Teams, ponies and other madness

"It vas a eerie atmosphere in ze lab of the greatest doctor, who vas masterfully preparing his equipment for ze dangerous mission that lied ahead." *crash* "Ah DUMMKOPFS can't you see I'm trying to vork?" The Medic turned his attention towards the Scout, who was screwing around in his lab as he searched for the last part to complete his gun. "Ah zhere it is." His new gun would be called Ze Quick Fix. "Now Schwachkopf, why are you interrupting my work?"

"Medic!" The Scout cried, he was jumping on one leg, the other is in his hands. "The RED Demo led me in a trap! “Heeelp!" He continued to jump up and down while bleeding and holding his torn (or in this case blasten) off leg.

The Medic facepalmed. "You vere fooled by a one eyed drunken Scot? Yes,  you are a proud addition to our team, now stand still Schwachkopf." He powered his Quick Fix (which will be referred to as medigun) and sent ze healing beam towards the Scout's body. "Vat would you dummkopfs do without me?" He sighed.

The Heavy, who was cleaning his 'baby',  finished. He got up, and took a bite of his sandvich. He quickly grew bored he walked over to a red punching bag and proceeded to train a little bit.

"I've seen worse, mate!" The Sniper said, pinching his trademark sunglasses. "Back in the Australian outback some man can do this..." He pointed to Scout’s quickly healing leg, "...to themselves." He then climbed up on a big pile of boxes and sat down, and drew his Sydney Sleeper to adjust the scope. (The rifle was in the holster on his back, under his trusty Razorback)

The Medic finished healing the Scout and said. "Now, we should prepare, it iz time once more to retrieve an intelligence case from zhose filthy REDs." He grabbed the Overdose, his Über saw, and his coat. "Now, do any of you require assistance? If not zhen I say we prepare."

The Heavy glanced at the rest of the team. He didn't know about them but he was seriously wanting to use his dear Natascha to shove a bullet up those puny RED's asses.

The Sniper took his always smoking pipe in his left hand, and set it on the edge of the box he sat on.

"Let's have a go at it!" He shouted, and with one fluid motion he jumped off of the boxes, landing before them, his rifle in his right hand. The Tribalman's shiv he wore attached on his left leg, made a clinging noise when he landed. Lifting the rifle up, pointing to the ceiling, he put back the pipe in his mouth and a determined expression appeared on his face.

"Vell, Scout do go and get ze rest of the team, Heavy, come vith me. Sniper you know vat to do, get in a good position und take out any dummkopfs in your line of sight, especially zat annoying Red doctor, me und Heavy vill make sure they von't get far, either Scout or Spy can secure ze inteligence." He gave the orders, while Soldier thought himself the leader, everyone knew better than to question Herr Doctor, that and the last time Scout did so, Medic sewed his arms where his feet were and his feet where his arms were.

The Heavy looked at the Medic and grinned. "We will CRUSH tiny baby team!"

‘To get in position earlier, the more kills you get’ - the Sniper knew this too well. He rushed through the small corridor to the snipers' nest and readied his rifle. When the metal door opened up before him, he raised his rifle in eye-level, looking in the scope, checking it for the last time. Then he went through the door and got in position, crouching next to the wall. A few moments later he saw his first target, the unlucky RED Engineer, who was running through the 'terrace' on the other side of the battlements.

He aimed for a second then pulled the trigger. The compressed airblast launched the syringe out his rifle and hit the Engineer on his neck. The lethal dose of Jarate made him fall while he made a last cry.

"Back to the drawing board, genius!" Sniper whispered and smirked.

The doctor was retelling his glorious story. "And that's how I got banned from ze institution." He put on a quizzical face while he overhealed the Heavy. "Und strangely enough those who had contact vith me disappeared. Does not matter." His Ubercharge was at 80%. "I am almost charged. Heavy are you ready to go practice medicine?" He asked with a wicked grin as they got to the entrance, in front of them were the downstairs sewer area to their left the entrances to their base. "Now vait here Heavy, und slaughter those who try und get passed you. Zhen we charge, should give Spy or Scout enough time to retrieve ze intelligence." He instructed as he got behind a wall, the healing wave still connected to Heavy.

"Tiny men are going to die!" Heavy said to the medic, wearing the same grin, and getting ready for any incoming dead men.

Continuing his job, Sniper checked the other side, looking for any enemy who dare (or stupid enough) to run in his sight. Seeing no one, he changed position, to the other side of the snipers' nest. He knew, he had to hide immediately as there was the enemy Sniper, who was a sneaky bastard, who once, shot his hat off of his head (to prevent that, he wore a green bandana from that day). His instinct was correct, right when he got in cover, a red colored trace of a shot from a Machina hit the wall behind him.

"Oh, now that's gonna be a real piece of piss!" He said and checking the trace, he searched for the other Sniper. The luck was on his side, he saw him and shot him square on the forehead.

"There ya go!" He shouted and waved to the late RED Sniper.

Meanwhile, Engie built his level 3 turret in the most compromising position so any RED scum would get butchered, behind his dispenser with his Jag ready to whack any RED Spy’s that came along. A thought popped into Engineers head: why the hell is their intelligence not in a safe or at least under the frigging table. But he just waited there thinking of the magnificent Golden Wrench (which was secretly made of Jarate).

The Demo was followed out the RED base by both the RED Scout and RED Pyro. RED Scout said: "Depth perception pal, look into it." The Demoman flipped him off when he reached the sewer entrance to his base.

As RED Scout stepped into the entrance he shouted: "Oh no, you're not getting away you one-eyed freak." But when the Scout stepped in, he was greeted by a carpet of stickies. *beep...BOOM* Demoman smiled as he took another gulp of Scrumpy.

"Couldn't you see the bloody bombs?" He broke the bottle and stumbled back into base. "I'M DRUNK YOU DONT HAVE AN EXCUSE!"

The Pyro positioned himself somewhere near the RED spawn, where he was sure the Spy would pass by. He was ready to fire at a moment's notice. Meanwhile, the Soldier was randomly running around, sometimes when he found another BLU he would yell something along the lines of 'Maggots!' or 'Is that what you call a postion?!?' .

Meanwhile, up on the surface, in the snipers' nest to be exact, Sniper just shot down his third victim of the day. The RED Scout's face was priceless when he saw Sniper aiming at him.

"There was you, very full of yourself. Then, very briefly surprised. Then, dead." Sniper said to himself in a whisper, as he watched the RED Scout's body fall in the water from the top of the bridge.

The Demo stumbled upon the RED Engie building a turret in the BLU base.

"Ayeahhsayeaaehy ae*BUUUUUUUURRRRPPP* That's a right pretty bra washer you got there you big ugly girl." He fired his grenade launcher blowing the turret up and giving chase to the Engie as he planted his machines. "Don't hide behind your toys, lass."  As he turned a corner he got a face full of wrench and as the Engie prepared to show him the Southern Hospitality, he found himself facing an intimate contact with the Demo's sword. "You come wide at me again boy and I'll shove that wrench right up your arse."

The Heavy was getting bored of waiting. The Pyro was getting bored of staying still. The Spy was wandering around, searching for someone to destroy. He saw the body of the RED Scout and had to suppress a laugh.

"Here lies scout. He ran fast and died a virgin!" He said and laughed.

All along, the Scout had a better plan. Using his superior speed he quickly snuck behind the lines, using the most obvious way: the front entrance. He was running to the direction of the stairs, but heard a familiar beeping sound.

"Oh, crap." He said. Stopping at the doorway, he peeked at the stairs and found a level three sentry. Thinking out a new plan he grabbed his backpack and rummaged through it, getting a Bonk! Atomic Punch, in his hand. Quickly drinking it he felt unstoppable and made a run for it.

Of course the sentry sensed him and started to shoot bullets and rockets either but he dodged every one of them, moving like a ninja.

"Hey overalls! You suck!" He shouted to the Engie who was just standing there, mouth agape, watching the Scout disappearing, as he run downstairs to the intel room.

"Heavy be ready to charge, when our team returns with ze intelligence." Medic was fully charged. Meanwhile the RED Heavy, Medic, Soldier and Pyro were ready to attack the BLU base. Time was running out as the day neared its end, the Sun slowly going down the horizon.

"Tiny men will be crushed." Heavy said as he prepared his Natascha.

"WHERE ARE THESE MAGGOTS?!?!" Soldier shouted to himself as he kept running through the map with his shovel.

Sniper upstairs could answer Soldier's question.

While his teammates were searching for the enemy team or was getting the intel, he had to force back the respawning REDs. He already killed the RED Scout three times, the Medic-Heavy combo once and now the rocket-jumping Soldier gave him headaches.

"Hold still, wanker!" He shouted and pulled the trigger, sending the lethal dose of Jarate in the syringe right in Soldier's heart.

"Aieaeeaaaahhh!!!" The RED Soldier cried up and collapsed.

"Take that, ya rocket-hopping simpleton!" Sniper shouted and quickly ran back in the spawn room for ammo, he was almost out of it.

When he returned and scanned the area for enemies, he could swear he heard footsteps, but he saw nothing.

"Grrraaah.." He whispered and looked in the scope again, stepping sideways, checking the other side of the enemy snipers' nest.

And then, with a loud cracking and sizzling sound, his Razorback broke.

Very quickly, he grabbed his Tribalman's shiv and swung it behind him as he turned: he hit the shocked (in both ways) RED Spy. The Spy cried out in pain, his blood practically shooting from his chest.

Sniper swung his shiv again, and cut the Spy's head off.

"Spies, bloody useless!" He mumbled with a bit of joy in his voice, then went back in the spawn-room to get a new Razorback.

"Zhere he is, the Scout, charge Heavy, dummkophest is starting." The Medic smirked he readied his übercharge and was ready to give Heavy invincibility. Meanwhile the whole RED team had respawned and they were angry, the BLU Scout was halfway down the bridge with the intelligence, Heavy and Medic charged down the bridge until they got in range. "OKTOBERFEST!"

The Heavy readied his minigun and shouted to the doctor. "CHARGE ME!" As he pointed his minigun at a certain RED Scout's face.

The Pyro, who was nowhere to be found for a while, has just arrived right in his best friend's back: The RED Sniper.

"Heeeey, I'll give you rainbows, are you happy?" He said under his mask. It came out as: "Mhmhhmm, Mhm mhhm mhm mhhmhmhm, mhm mhm mh-hmm?"

The RED Sniper turned around just to get burned in a ~1000°C flame. He screamed for a few seconds, until his throat melted.

"Ooohh, he likes it!" The Pyro said and raised his Rainblower above his head, laughing in joy, the RED Sniper in his point of view was rolling on the floor, laughing.

What really happened:

"Mmmmhh, mh mhmm hm! Mh-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmhmmmm!" The Pyro 'said' while shaking his flamethrower above his head as he looked down at the burning corpse of the former Sniper. He then turned around and went in the inner base area, to search for the Engie.

"Now go!" The Medic activated the übercharge, the RED Medic was nowhere near maximum charge, him and Heavy became invincible as they mowed down tiny baby men as Heavy would put it. Giving the annoying Scout time to return with it. The only ones missing from the group was the RED Sniper and RED Spy.

Meanwhile the RED Soldier had finally found a target. It was a sole BLU Pyro. He shouted, "MAGGOT!" and then proceeded to blast the Pyro's face off.

Sniper could swear he heard a blasting sound somewhere, but he haven't seen the blast itself or anything so he just continued to camp in the snipers’ nest.

"Bloody hell, I should've gone to the toilet before..." he said and felt the urge to go. But he cannot leave his post.

"Bloody pikers have to wait, I have more important things to do." He went behind the metal planks and put his rifle on the side of it, standing a meter away from the other corner. He unzipped his trousers..

"Oh, this is gonna be a real piece of piss!" And he started to urinate in the corner... or on something else that was there.

"Eeeeeeewww!" The now visible RED Spy said, as his cloak broke. "I HATE you!"

"You again? How’s about calling it a day, mate?" Sniper asked as he grabbed his shiv and cut the Spy's head off.

"Spies... bloody useless." He whispered and continued to piss on the now headless Spy.

{VICTORY} The weird female voice announced just as the Heavy finished mowing the rest of the REDs. The Blue Medic counted.

"Eins, zwei, oh I do not think we brought enough body bags, hmmm vat is this?" The medic picked up the dead RED Spy's dead ringer when the Sniper threw his body down the ledge, it smelled... bad. Getting away from the stinking corpse he said. "Good job mein frauilein. Ze engineer could reprogram it." He entered and saw the Spy. "A present colleague, de Engineer vill need to look at it though." He handed him his enemy's Dead Ringer.

While the Medic had his little talk with the Spy, the Heavy was busy reloading and cleaning his gun.

The Pyro respawned, just in time to hear the Announcer saying 'victory'.

"Oooh, but I wanted to give them candy!" He said and raised the Lollychop in his right hand. "Oh well."

For an outsider it looked like this:

"Mhhhm, mhm mh mmhmhm mh mhm mhmhm mhmh!" The Pyro raised a blood stained fire-axe in the air, laughing manically. "Mhm-mhm."

Then, he headed to the bridge, waiting for his teammates while singing a lovely tune (funeral song).

On his way there, he met the Sniper, who was busy reigniting his pipe.

"Do you have a light?" The Sniper asked.

The Pyro raised his flamethrower; the ignition-light was more than enough to ignite the pipe's contents.

"Thanks, mate!" And with that, the Sniper sat down, on the edge of the snipers' nest, smiling and enjoying the late afternoon sunshine.

"Good vork everyone, if anyone needs me, I vill be in ze lab." A letter fell out of nowhere at his feet."Oh?" He read it."Hmm, everyone, our next mission is at the Mann Manor, get vatever you need and prepare. Spy, make sure you hand that to Engie. Heavy make sure you clean Natascha, Sniper fix your equipment, Demoman make sure you get enough Scrumpy, Scout stay out of Demomans Scrumpy, Soldier give the word."

The soldier saluted." ALRIGHT MAGGOTS YOU HEARD THE DOCTOR GET YOUR ASSES IN GEAR AND BE READY, WE LEAVE AT FIRST LIGHT."

The Heavy was already cleaning Natascha, The Spy was handing the RED Spy's Deadringer to the Engie, but he was somehow disguised as himself. He liked to be disguised.

The Sniper, after hearing the command, took his rifle and cleaned it, checking the air-compression system. When he was done, he cleaned his shiv and sharpened it, he liked when he can cut the paper with it only in one touch. He holstered both weapons in their respective places afterwords.

After everything he did, he took off the Razorback, switching out the old battery for a new one. After it was done, he put it back it in his cabinet.

He then went to his comfy armchair, sitting down and fetching the book he read yesterday, while sipping smoke from his pipe.

The Scout, who took off his bag, walked in front of him.

"Hey what's that book about? Camping? Hehehe!" He taunted Sniper.

"What is it about?..." He took a deep breath, then started to speak. "Here's a touchin' story. Once upon a time you died, and I lived happily ever after. The end." He drew his Sydney Sleeper, aiming it at the Scout's head.

"Okay-okay-okay, I'm outta here.." The Scout said and retreated, he was in no mood for getting Jarate on him.

The Sniper, when the Scout was out of earshot, laughed quietly and, after holstering his rifle, he returned to read the book.

"Piker..."

Later...

The Scout thrashed in his bed. "No, no, Ma, what are you doing?" The Scout had a nightmare about his mom doing the RED Spy. "No no no." He started sucking on his finger. "Hehehe *low echoing laugh in his head* Prepare for your examination." He saw the Dream Medic as he felt himself carved and stood in a mirror. "Aaaaaaah" The Scout had his normal head...on a dog. "You're so bloody tiny, you pint size mut."Dream Demo said, before vomiting on the dog-scout. That woke him up screaming. He got a smack upside the head from Heavy.

"Shhhh, Natascha is sleeping." Scout just made a poker-face and got back to sleep.

/Meanwhile in place so wonderful, Disneyland are still beating their employes over with rusted pipes for not thinking it up./

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and 2 alicorn sisters were bored as hell. The boring idiot in the court room was sooo dull in his speech it was physically draining. It didn't help Luna especially, she didn't get a chance to relieve herself even after she came back, mostly because this generation of ponies were a bunch blood-sucking parasites that didn't care for anything else other than bits and status. Same could be said for Celestia. When the court finished, they each let out a bored sigh. They were bored, and the duties they had didn't help...

Pinkie was bouncing around Sugarcube Corner, randomly appearing in places and disappearing in walls like her random Pinkie abilities let her do, somehow doing this while preparing cupcakes.

"All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the mix..." She was singing the Cupcakes song, but then she suddenly stopped, tripped over her own hooves, crashed into the wall and got up, without being hurt somehow. She was shaking. "Doozy! Gotta warn the girls! Because my Pinkie sense is never wrong! At least my tail isn't twitching because if it was twitching then something was gonna fall but it isn't then nothing is gonna fall and oh my gosh what if it is a super cupcake doozy, my cupcakes are gonna turn into rainbow manticores that fly like butterflies and bite like alligators and..." She stopped talking as she got her Pinkie Sense again. "Gotta warn the girls gotta warn the girls!" She said to herself, as she somehow finished the cupcakes in 10 SECONDS and ate them, then bolted out of the door with unnatural speed towards the house of Twilight.

Twilight, who was busy reading a book about transmorphing magic, suddenly felt an ENERMOUS wave in the steady magical sphere of Equestria. She looked up from the book, like if she can see the reason of the wave.

"This can't be natural. I must find the source!" She was excited but determined, as her element AND cutie mark was magic, she felt it important to know everything about it and do her best on studying it. Gigantic anomalies were the same, she had to study it. She got up from her sitting position, quickly levitated few essential equipments in a saddlebag and put it on. Then she opened her magical senses and using it as a compass, started her journey to the wave's source.

Fluttershy was busy feeding the animals, like always, her gentle nature assured safety and nurture to all the animals around. Angel was being a complete shitbag and fucked around the cottage with any and all. But fate is a cruel mistress and sometimes she fucks you over really bad. Angel tried to steal a deer's food, said deer did not take kindly to that and Angel got a face full of hoof, flew through the open window, and into the hollow of a squirrel. A very angry squirrel gave him a haymaker in the left eye, sending him barrel rolling on the ground into some dog shit. Said shit was accompanied by more shit from flying birds. Angel was having  a shitty day, but it did not end there folks, oh no, after getting up he got hit by a ball and was sent flying into a tree and he was out, a stray dog found it necessary to take a piss on him and move on.

Meanwhile with Rainbow Dash...

She just helped saving a child from mortal peril that no pony else was brave enough to act. But that only happened in her mind, what she was actually doing was bragging for the hundredth time to some pony that elicited a reoccurring reaction: said pony wishing some pony would clip her wings and shut her up. At this point she was hated by almost the entire town. She was a bigger biii---ehe they did not use that word, she was a bigger cunt than Trixie. But in her apparently very sick mind, every pony was cheering for her awesomeness. (Herr Doctor will have to fix her with some shock therapy.)

Pinkie was running in superhuma-...superpony speed and ALMOST bashed Twilight's face. She stopped half an inch from her face, almost startling her to death.

"TWILIGHT!" She shouted as she had the Doozy Pinkie Sense again. "MY PINKIE SENSE IS TINGLING! DOOZY!" She kept shouting at Twilight with the most worried face in the world.

"Pinkie, calm down!" Twilight said when she recovered from the initial shock. "What's wrong again?" Though deep inside she still couldn't believe in Pinkie's 'sense', she accepted it as a true and real thing, and learned to live with it.

Somewhere in that universe a bunny was feeling the wrath of Karma, he was battered, bruised, hit, thrashed, bashed, cut, pissed on, stomped on, got hit by blunt objects, got burned, electrocuted, scrapped and bruised, not particularly in that order.

Meanwhile Rainbow majestically and expertly landed through Twilights window, it was flawless... in her head. What actually happened: She went at high speeds, lost control and crashed through the window bits of glass getting stuck in her flank. She hit the floor, bounced, hit the ceiling, fell on the floor and bounced into a shelf that fell on her.

"Oh my gosh Twilight it's a doozy something is going to happen we need to take cover what if it is Godzilla [HOW THE HELL DOES SHE EVEN KNOW] or if it is a giant gorilla or a rare seven headed hydra or a cupcake monster or a manticore with kitty cat face or..." She stopped with the Pinkie Sense again.

"Pinkie, calm down and tell me when did you sensed it first." Twilight said in an almost dead serious tone, watching Pinkie doing weird moves. To prevent her doing these and let her talk, she enveloped Pinkie in a magical aura.

Rainbow Dash... oh use your imagination, it's too long to write whats going on in her afflicted brain. She got out of the rubble and saw Pinkie and Twilight talking, obviously about how awesome she was and who to be her biggest fan. (Wanna kill her yet?). She shuffled over and said.

"No need to fear the most awesome pegasus in history is here."

After at least 20 second of struggling, Pinkie finally calmed down. "Twilight, it's my Pinkie Sense! There's a d-" She got the Doozy combination again. "-oozy! I HAVE NO IDEA where it is this time!!! "Pinkie said in her diabetes-inducing voice.

"Good day to you, too, Rainbow Dash." Twilight looked at the multicolored invader. "This time if you don't pay me the price of the new window, I'll call princess Celestia herself. And Pinkie..." She sighed and looked back at her. "I sensed it too. A gigantic wave in the natural magical sphere of the planet. I think it might be generated by something very powerful, it cannot occur naturally."

Somehow the only words Rainbow heard were : Awesome, are, and you. So she waved it off. "Yeah yeah I know." But seeing as some part of her brain was still (surprisingly) active she caught on." And don't worry your silly little head Twilight I will beat the flank of any danger that comes around. I always train after all (by sleeping on clouds?). And if they are smart they would probably start worshipping me." She puffed her chest and any creature in the nearby vicinity would probably feel a urge to maim.

Pinkie (somehow) calmed down and looked at Rainbow Dash. "Oh hi, Rainbow! Blah blah blah bl-" She proceeded to repeat EVERYTHING she had said before.

Twilight, while her two 'friends' talked to each other, released Pinkie from the magical grip and closed her eyes, concentrating to find the source, again. She had no luck; Pinkie's high pitched voice was getting on her nerves pretty fast. She decided to silently leave the library, making a quick note to Spike on her way out. When she was finally outside, she took a big breath and sighed in relief. After all, it was a nice sunny day, what could go wrong?

She had no idea...