Princess Cadance awoke to the sound of shrill, prolonged crying, and she wondered why she even bothered having an alarm clock. She rolled over to find Shining Armor sleeping peacefully beside her like a child—smiling, snoring, and drooling all over her mane—and she wondered why she even bothered having a husband.
She tried to do what he did. She splayed her limbs out in various directions, shut her eyes with as little effort as possible, and threw her tongue out of her mouth, but no matter how good her re-enactment, she could not fall back asleep.
There was simply no good position for the pillow.
Soon she was in the dining hall, sitting at the long, empty table. She was upright, but clearly dazed and haggard. The Princess of Love never looked so ready to murder somepony.
The coffee mug in front of her had too much milk and not enough coffee. The hard bench was all bum support and no lumbar support. Horizontal beams of orange light shone into the room, reflecting off of every surface made of crystal, which was all of them. Cadance looked as though she were alone at a disco that had become frozen in time.
The crying had not stopped. It continued to rise and fall in both volume and pitch. Cadance knew that it would not go away until she addressed it, yet she couldn't bring herself to move. Luckily, the crying addressed her first.
"Princess Cadance!" Rarity cried from across the dining hall, makeup spilling down her face. "I need your help!"
"Good morning, Rarity," droned Cadance.
Rarity, gasping for air, slid across the bench on the opposite side of the table, coming to rest directly in front of Cadance's thousand-yard stare.
"Dreadfully sorry to bother you so early, Darling, but I have an urgent love problem, and I assumed the baby would be keeping you up anyways. Say, how is Flurry Heart?"
"Soundly sleeping…"
"Oh, precious. Anyways, you're not going to believe what Fashion Plate's done to me now."
"Mm-hmm."
"I saw him fraternizing with this other mare, you see. Practically canoodling, dare I say. And when I confront him about it, he has the gall to claim she's his sister! Pfah! Just who does he think…"
Some time ago, Cadance had picked up on the fact that the middle section of Rarity's speeches could be ignored without consequence. But she always spent that moment of peace marvelling at how often it worked instead of thinking about anything productive.
"…So Mayor Mare says I can't see their birth certificates because of privacy laws, whatever those are, and then she goes and tries to convince me that they really are siblings! Can you believe it? Fashion Plate got to her first! Oh, I am woe incarnate!"
Cadance moved the milk jug so Rarity could slam her face into the table.
"I'm drowning in a river of LIES!" Rarity sobbed. "I'm floundering in falsifications and being pulled under by my own frailty!"
She slammed her hoof on the table, leaving it with a thin crack. She took a brief sobbing break before pulling up and continuing, her hooves on Cadance's shoulders.
"But you are my delta, Princess Cadance. The island of sanity that splits the river of lies into ribbons and shows me the truth!"
Cadance nodded. "You see, Rarity," she slurred, "Relationships… are built on trust."
Rarity pulled back. "But you told me that last week."
"…Did I…"
"And I've tried that already, but he says he already trusts me! Well, he mentioned he'd like to know where I keep disappearing to when I come up here, but that's not his business." Rarity leapt onto the table. "Say, I've got an idea. Can you cast a love spell on him? Granted, he already loves me, naturally, but a little extra nudge couldn't hurt."
Cadance's mouth fell open. Only air came out.
"Besides! It would make us both very happy, so I think we're in a bit of a grey area here, morally."
"Black…"
"Pardon?"
Cadance blinked. "Hmm? Oh, just… reminding myself how I like my coffee."
Rarity glanced at the jug of milk perspiring on the table. "I see… You must really be tired. Perhaps you should take a vacation to Ponyville? Let Shining take care of the baby? It'll make you more accessible!"
Like lights at the end of a tunnel, Cadance's eyes twinkled. "Rarity," she said, "did you know… that relationships will become a lot like friendships over time?"
"You mean… gradually?"
"Nnnnnnope… After a certain number of weeks, it switches. Like a… switch."
Rarity sat back down and scooted forward. "How many weeks?"
"…How long have you been seeing this guy?"
"168 days."
Princess Cadance was no mathematician, but for a moment, she became Marechimedes. "24 weeks," she answered, nodding in agreement with herself.
Rarity took a moment to channel her inner Fiboneighcci. "Goodness me, I'm already there! So what should I do?"
"Well… maybe you don't have a love problem… so much as a friendship problem."
"…And?"
Cadance wondered if there was a whiteboard somewhere in the castle. Or maybe just a map and a laser pointer.
"Hold that thought!" Rarity blurted. "I've just had an epiphany. What if I get Twilight to help me?"
"…Yes…"
"And with you coming to Ponyville, I'll have both of you!"
"…No…"
"Why, if the two of you put your minds together I'm certain you'll set that boy straight! It's settled. I'll go get the train tickets!"
Rarity bolted from her seat. Cadance melted into hers. She wondered if she could force herself into a coma using only sheer willpower when Rarity shrieked from across the room.
"Fashion!" Rarity cried. And for a moment, Cadance assumed that was just Rarity's version of the F-word. But then she heard another voice.
"Babe!" said a stallion. His voice was vaguely masculine.
Cadance glanced at him, or at least at the blurry image of him. Her eyes appeared to be shutting down. She couldn't wait.
"I've had enough," the fuzzy Fashion Plate continued, "of your running around, and your secret-keeping, and your weird stalk-y behaviour!"
Rarity stammered. She guffawed. She looked to Cadance for backup, but the princess was too busy wondering why her castle was so easy to infiltrate.
"But… Whatever do you mean?"
"Oh, my, See-less-tia," Fashion Plate said. "We are through."
Cadance inhaled slowly, coming up for air.
The splotches of colour were leaving now, to the sound of clacking hooves. Rarity called down the hall, "But that's not fair! How did you find out where I waaaaas?!"
That was an interesting question. Cadance wanted nothing more than to never hear the answer. She crept up to the doorway, peered around the corner, teetered, and smiled in relief.
"Can I go now?" she squeaked.
Darkness.
Darkness everywhere.
If there was a void somewhere in Equestria—a perfect vacuum with no light, no sound, and no hard surfaces—it had nothing on Cadance's bed. Cadance lay somewhere between a layer of satin, another of fur, a thick comforter, and a soft, springy base supporting everything. And with Shining Armor mysteriously vanished, there was nothing keeping Cadance from drifting off except the remnants of a little caffeine. But in just a few more seconds, it would all be over.
There came a noise from some imaginary realm outside the darkness. A door opening, followed by a long, exaggerated sigh. It sounded like a husband of some kind.
There came a voice. "Hey, Honey," it said. "Weird morning."
"That's nice," Cadance said, although she might not have said anything at all. It didn't matter. Not long now.
"Spike came by."
Cadance's heart-rate rallied. She made several horrifying connections.
"He said he needed some girl advice."
"No…"
"Yeah! Apparently he's crushing on somepony, but he wouldn't tell me who."
"Stop."
"Crazy, right? Anyway, he said he told the guy she was dating some secret about her to get them to break up." Shining Armor let out a loud sigh, and Cadance's darkness shook violently.
"So…?" Cadance asked.
"Well… the poor guy feels real guilty about it."
Cadance rose like an eruption—out of the darkness and into the light. She frowned so hard that part of her satin sheet got stuck inside a crease in her face and hung there. Shining's expression was that of terror, which was perfect for what she was about to say.
"Tell him to grow a pair."
Shining Armor frowned at her. "But he already did," he said.
Cadance blinked. Shining Armor blinked.
"What?" Cadance asked.
"You've seen his new wings, haven't you?"
Cadance groaned and shoved the rest of her face into the sheets.
"Aaaaaanyways. It sounded like a love problem, so I told him you'd talk to him. He's downstairs when you're ready."
With that, he was finished talking. He invaded the realm of darkness and kissed Cadance on the back of the head. She wanted so badly to smother him, but after giving it some thought, she decided against it. She knew she wouldn't be able to do it.
There was simply no good position for the pillow.
Author's Note
Thank you for reading. If you liked this, you can click here for another fun, lighthearted comedy that you may enjoy. It's about hiding a dead body.
Have a great day.
M-
