Skygun

Chapters

The 60,000,000,000 Bit Pony
Wonder of Doubt
Mess Maker
Hard Bucker

The 60,000,000,000 Bit Pony

The sun-baked desert stretched for endless iles in all directions. Two mares crested a rise, hooves kicking up dust and startling the occasional lizard or desert-dwelling rodent.

Of these mares, one had a sun-bleached lavender coat and a pink-streaked blue-violet mane and tail; she was draped in stark white blankets and a matching poncho, with heavy saddlebags clanking noisily against her flanks as she walked. Her gait was more of a trudge; her eyes were dull and weary, heavy with telltale bags.

The other mare was more upbeat and cheerful in both attitude and appearance. The twin suns had not managed to leach any vibrancy from her bubblegum pink coat nor her poofy, vividly pink mane and tail. Even with the heavy suede poncho draped over her and the bulging saddlebags she carried, she was positively bouncing alongside her companion.

"How far do you reckon it is to St. Germain, huh Twilight?"

"A few more iles, Pinkie."

"Goodie! I can't wait to see what kind of sweets they have there...Strong had all those tasty sugar bubbles but they also had that weird--"

"Could you PLEASE focus, Pinkie?!" Twilight interrupted. "We're not on a world food tour. We're on an important mission!"

"We are?" Pinkie asked, confused.

Twilight facehoofed. "The whole reason we're OUT HERE in the middle of nowhere, remember? What the chief sent us out to do?"

"I...uh...huh?"

The purple pony sighed in frustration. "Nevermind. Just...keep your eyes peeled. She could be anywhere. If we're not careful, we could end up dead. Or worse."

"Who could be anywhere, Twilight?" Pinkie asked.

"HER. The Equine Typhoon. The pony with a bounty of sixty billion bits on her head. The pony we were sent to find. Dash the Stampede."

=THE 60,000,000,000 BIT PONY=

"Dash the Stampede? Why, I heard she passed through Weseluck 'round about a few days ago."

"Yeah, an' y'heard what happened to th' town, right?"

"Oh yeah, I heard there ain't nothin' left nowhere, 'cept a pile of bodies."

"Naw, what I heard is, a lotta ponies got hurt, but ain't nopony got killed."

"Kinda like a miracle without Celestia?"

Everywhere she went, she was used to hearing this kind of gossip.

Presently, she was seated on a cloudstool in a saloon called Thirsty Wings, a pegasus bar that perpetually hovered above the town of St. Germain. She tried her hardest to drown out the incessant chatter as she poured a shot of Zap Cider.

So engrossed was she in her drink that she almost failed to notice the entire top half of the bar disappearing.

The other barflies had completely freaked out and bolted for any convenient exit, of course--those that were still whole, anyway. Quite a few of them had been shorn in half by the enormous cloudplow that had demolished the saloon.

The cloudplow sailed back on its original course and was caught in the mouth of a massive, heavily-muscled white pegasus stallion with tiny wings and bulging legs that had been liberally modified with the sort of odd, barely-reliable steampunk implants one saw all over this Celestia-forsaken planet.

"YEEEEAH!!" the hulking horse roared, bloodshot beady red eyes bulging. His thick red duster coat billowed impressively about his hooves. All around him, several smaller pegasi raised hailguns. The rapid staccato thunder of gunfire roared out; the din was joined by the ear-splitting cacophony of shattering glass as the saloon's surviving wares spilled out into the fluffy clouds, which were themselves being chewed to wispy white shreds by hundreds of small hailstones. Within seconds, the saloon had ceased to exist, save for one cloudstool, upon which sat one mare, holding a bottle of Zap in one sky-blue hoof.

She looked up, magenta eyes narrowed annoyance. With her free hoof, she flipped a pair of orange-tinted glasses onto her face, adjusting them as she stood, kicking away the stool she had been seated upon. Setting aside her bottle, she dipped her snout into a pocket of her travel-worn old red longcoat, emerging with a massive chrome steel revolver clenched in her teeth. She took one step forward with her left front hoof, which was wrapped tightly in black leather and shod with a gleaming, studded steel shoe. The wind picked at strands of her wild rainbow-hued mane.

The cylinder of her revolver clicked once, the small sound somehow deafening in the stillness of the sudden showdown.

"Dash the Stampede?" the sheriff asked. "Yeah, I saw him. Him an' his whole damned posse, come ridin' right inta town like Hell's own cavalry."

The stallion who had just woken him up from his nap scowled, the wild blond mustache above his lip quivering. "Him? But...Dash the Stampede is a mare, not a--"

"Nah, he's a stallion alright," the sheriff interrupted. "Saw him myself. Big fella. Huge. Pegasus, tiny wings. Earrings in both ears, bloodshot red eyes. Wears a red coat. Carries a huge weapon." He gestured vaguely with a hoof. "Saw 'im ter headin' east, that was right around supper yesterday. Want my advice? Stay away. Y'heard about Weseluck, right? Whole town shot right t' hell. Funny thing is, nopony died. Lotta ponyfolk got hurt, but nopony died."

The blond-mustached stallion snorted. "Like a miracle without Celestia, huh?" He shook his head, his long blond mane fanning out from beneath his wide-brimmed hat. "Anyway, thanks." He tossed two bits onto the desk and turned, adjusting the harness carrying his rifle. The tail of his gray suede coat whispered on the ground around his hooves as he turned and left.

Two exhausted mares trudged into a saloon in St. Germain. They had hoped to stop and rest in Weseluck, but by the time they arrived, the town was in shambles, the latest victim of the Equine Typhoon.

"What'll it be, ladies?" the stallion behind the bar asked.

Twilight slammed a purple hoof on the bar, upsetting and annoying a white bunny that had been napping there. "I'll have an alfalfa smoothie and an oat muffin with raisins!"

"And I'll have a big piece of raspberry meringue pie!" her pink companion bubbled. "Oh, with whipped cream and a cherry! Oooh, and ice cream!"

The bartender stared flatly at them.

The patrons, a collection of rough, ill-mannered, drunken stallions, laughed raucously and gathered around them. "Hey now, just where'n the hay d'you think you are, little lady?" asked a stallion whose cutie mark was completely encrusted with lice eggs.

"This ain't one'a them fancy-dancy city places, silly filly," another pony with a cloud of flies swarming around his hindquarters grunted in a gravelly voice. "You wanna make a joke like that, you gotta remember t' ask fer milk."

"Yeah, we'll give you all the mi--" the speaking stallion's mouth abruptly snapped shut, surrounded in a red-violet magical glow.

"You really don't want to go there," Twilight advised sweetly.

Beside her, there was a loud, sharp THUMP; the entire saloon shook. The gathered barflies stared, wide-eyed, at the massive, colorful, gaudily-decorated cannon which had fallen out of the pink mare's saddlebag.

"Whoopsie," Pinkie lamented. "Broke another saddlebag."

"Good thing you have a spare, huh?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah..."

As Pinkie resecured her frighteningly large weapon, and the bar patrons scurried away from the two mares, Twilight turned back to the bartender. "We're looking for information about Dash the Stampede."

"Oh, him," the bartender grunted. "Yeah, saw him an' his posse breeze through town a little while ago. Reckon we're lucky t' still be alive."

"I thought Dash was a mare?" Pinkie asked.

"Naw, Dash is a big ol' fella. White, red eyes, tiny wings, earrings in both ears. Wears a big ol' red coat an' carries a huge weapon." He paused to spit into a glass and wipe it with a grimy rag. "Yep, heard he done steamrolled right over Weseluck, t'ain't nothin' left but rubble an' a whole lotta scared, confused ponies." He peered sharply at the two mares. "Don't tell me two sweet li'l things like you...you ain't after that bounty...?"

"We're only here on business," Twilight said curtly. "So, which way was he heading?"

"East, I reckon," the bartender said with a snort and a shrug. "Y'all better get a move-on if'n ya want first crack at him."

"Thanks," Twilight said, turning to leave. "Come on, Pinkie."

"But...I never got my raspberry meringue..."

"NOW!" Twilight snapped. Pinkie squeaked and bounded after the irritable unicorn.

"I'm telling you, boss, I don't think that was Dash," a dark gray stallion with a short-chopped mane and tail said. He let out a choked whinny as the massive white pegasus cuffed him on the head with a steel-clad hoof.

"AN' I TOLD YOU, I DO THE THINKIN' AROUND HERE. YEAH!!"

"S-sorry boss..."

The overly muscled pegasus returned to scanning the dusty, rocky terrain below with his beady red eyes. "Now, where the hell'd that slippery little shit..."

At the base of the mountain, the posse was busily searching for their escaped quarry. An old stallion with a gray mane and mustache crept stealthily along the ground, gun clenched tightly in his mouth.

Had he been looking up instead of down, he'd have noticed the red-garbed blue pegasus mare falling out of the sky. He'd have noted, with an appropriate level of alarm, that she was about to collide with him at potentially catastrophic speeds.

However, the poor old pony failed to notice any of this, which is how he wound up flat on the ground, his spine twisted at an odd angle, as the very mare he was searching for crashed plot-first into his face.

He might've even enjoyed that last part, if he were still conscious.

"CRAP that was close!" the mare said as she stood, dusting herself off. She looked down at the old-timer she'd landed on, and smirked. "Enjoy the show? Think I'll charge you, oh...all your bullets for that."

As she rifled through the stallion's possessions, she reflected on the incredibly awkward moment, back at the remains of the saloon, where she realized she was completely out of ammunition.

"Talk about being hip-deep in manure," she muttered. "Almost bought the farm there..."

"THERE SHE IS!" a voice cried from a rocky outcropping.

"CRAP!" the mare spat, bucking the unconscious old-timer's gun at the lookout. It collided with his face, knocking him off the rock. Three more ponies popped up behind him, raining hailfire on the sky-blue pegasus. Whinnying, she rounded up her newly-acquired stash of ammunition and scrambled for cover.

"IT'S NO USE HIDIN'," a rough voice bellowed from above. "WE KNOW YOU'RE DOWN THERE, DASH THE STAMPEDE! YYEEEEEAHH!!"

"Alright, if you want a fight--"

She heard a click and felt hard, unyielding metal press against her right ear.

"--shit."

"So what's the plan?"

Pinkie and Twilight were galloping briskly over the rocky terrain. "Well, we catch up to Dash, and we give him the peace offering..."

"We're only giving him one piece? I thought we were giving him the whole box! Oooh, can I have the rest?"

Twilight muttered something impolite under her breath. "Look, just...stay on your guard, okay?"

"Okey-dokey-lokey!"

Ahead, through the shimmering waves of the afternoon heat, they could see a huge, red-clad pony. Several other armed ponies stood around him; at the base of the mountain just ahead, a miserable-looking blue mare with a wild, rainbow-colored mane was tied up helplessly.

"There he is. That's him." The two mares slowed to a trot.

"Okay boys, good work. Let's get out little bounty head here to the feds--"

"Hey boss, look behind you."

The massive pegasus turned, fixing his red eyes on the two mares. He sneered. "Whadda YOU want?" he grunted.

The two mares crept slowly toward him. The purple unicorn's horn glowed; a cardboard box lifted itself out of her saddlebag and hovered in front of her face as she approached. The pink mare behind her was hunched down, trying her best to hide behind her friend's rump, eyes wide and terrified, ears flat against the sides of her head.

"Mister Dash the Stampede?" the unicorn began. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. On behalf of the Barnyardelli Insurance Society, my partner Pinkie Pie and I would like to present to you this token of respect..."

"Nice, Twilight!" Pinkie whispered.

The white stallion snorted. "You fillies with her?" he asked, gesturing with an enormous hoof at the trussed-up mare on the ground, who offered a sheepish grin.

"No," Twilight said curtly. "As I said, we're representatives of the Barnyardelli Insu--"

A gunshot rang out, silencing her.

The posse turned and stared up. Perched atop the rocks was a steely-eyed, brown-coated, blond-maned unicorn stallion with a mustache. A wide-brimmed black Stetson topped his head, and his long gray duster flapped in the hot wind. A cross-shaped shotgun hovered in front of him, enveloped in a brown magical aura. The ponies on the ground heard the sound of another shell being chambered as the stallion's narrowed eyes came to light on the hulking pegasus. "There you are, my little sixty-billion-bit pony."

The pegasus snorted. "Who the hell are YOU?"

"My name is Loose Hoof," the unicorn said in a calm, conversational tone. "Also known in some parts as Constance Rifle. I'm a bounty hunter, and I've come to collect your head, Mister Dash the Stampede."

The blue pegasus on the ground blinked. "Wait what?"

The dark-gray pegasus henchpony laughed. "Oh man! Hey boss, this guy thinks you're Dash!"

The white stallion blinked. "Huh? What the hell?"

"Don't try to deny it!" Loose Hoof said, gun aimed squarely at the massive pony's face. "I heard it all from a reliable source. Dash the Stampede is a huge white pegasus with tiny wings, beady red eyes, earrings, a big red coat, and a huge weapon."

"Uh-huh, that's what we heard too," Pinkie spoke up, coming out from behind Twilight.

The hulking horse snorted. "You dumbass," he replied, "Dash the Stampede is a mare in a red coat, with a big handgun!"

Loose Hoof blinked, as did Twilight and Pinkie. "That's weird," Twilight said, "the rumors don't match at all."

The white pegasus' henchpony suddenly noticed something, and sidled up to his boss. "Hey boss," he whispered, "look..."

As Loose Hoof's duster flapped in the wind, its red satin lining was clearly visible.

The stallion grinned. "YYYYYEEEEEEEAH!!" he whinnied. "So that's your game, is it? Even came up with that stupid fake name...Dash the Stampede! C'mon boys, LET'S GET 'IM!" He slung the massive cloudplow out of the sheath on his back and took to the air, his posse spreading out around him.

Loose Hoof backed up a step, his shotgun wavering. "Well I'll be damned," he whispered softly. "So that's how--"

"Oh my gosh! The Equine Typhoon is on the loose! This is bad!" Pinkie squeaked. "What do we do?"

"What do we do?" Twilight asked. "I'll tell you what we do..."

"We get the hay outta here!" the purple unicorn cried as the two mares galloped back to St. Germain as fast as their hooves could carry them.

"But should we really run away?" Pinkie asked. "I mean, aren't we abandoning our post?"

"Right now, it's more important that we warn the townsponies," Twilight replied. "The same thing that happened in Weseluck could happen here, and if we can get everypony out of town--" She trailed off. "Wait..." She turned to look behind and to her right, eyes narrowed. "Hey, you...!!"

The blue pegasus mare had somehow managed to extricate her wings and one forehoof from the ropes binding her, and was racing alongside the two ponies, happily chowing down on the box of cupcakes Twilight had been carrying earlier. "Ffnks ff thf fffd," she said around a mouthful of frosting. Licking her lips, she added, "That really hit the spot!"

"HEY!" Twilight cried. "That wasn't for you, you--"

"So, don't tell me you ponies are after that bounty too," the rainbow-haired pegasus said as she finished off the last cupcake.

"No, we're not," Twilight said. "Our company sent us to find Dash the Stampede and stick to him like glue 24/7--" She trailed off as she realized she was talking to empty air.

The blue pegasus had stopped a short distance back, wings beating idly, blinking distractedly behind her orange glasses.

An idea suddenly formed, and Twilight circled back. A money pouch floated out of her saddlebag, and several coins drifted out, landing in front of the bound pegasus. "Tell you what," she said. "How about in exchange for this and the cupcakes, you go on ahead and warn the townsponies about Dash?"

"Twilight, you're not thinking of--" Pinkie asked, a hoof raised to her mouth.

"Yep," Twilight replied, face set in a hard, determined expression. "We're gonna go back up there, and we're gonna do our job!"

The ropes binding the blue mare glowed magenta and began to unravel.

"There, that takes care of that," Twilight said happily, smiling at the pegasus. "So, we're agreed then? Good! Good luck!" With that, she and Pinkie charged back in the opposite direction, toward the battle they had just left.

The rainbow-haired pegasus just stared after them.

"Wow, it's quiet up here," Pinkie whispered as the two mares entered the shadowy pass near the outcropping where the stallions had been fighting.

"Yeah...wait, there they all are. Doesn't look like anypony's injured," Twilight said softly.

"But didn't they kill that bounty hunter?" Pinkie asked.

A shotgun pumped behind her, its muzzle buried in her flank. "Not exactly," Loose Hoof said calmly.

"Huh? Hoof, did you find 'er?" the gruff voice of the bulky pegasus called out.

"No, it's just those two silly mares from before," Hoof replied, gesturing for the two ponies to trot out into the open.

The white pegasus snorted. "An' what th' hell're you two doin' back here?" he grunted.

"Mister Dash the Stampede," Twilight began, bowing down low with her front hooves, "on behalf of the Barnyardelli Insurance Society--"

"Ah, shut up, I don't really care," the stallion snorted dismissively, beady eyes scanning the ridge line. "Any sign of her at all?" he asked the bounty hunter.

Hoof shook his head. "Pretty sure she's cleared outta here by now..."

"Dammit, it took forever to catch that little bitch..."

Twilight blinked. "Wait...you're all working together now?"

"Well, when we realized we'd made a mistake..." Hoof began.

"Hey, YOU made the mistake," his erstwhile partner rumbled, jabbing with a hoof for emphasis. "We HAD Dash, but YOU let her get away..."

"It doesn't matter," Hoof said dismissively. He eyed the two mares. "Well, I suppose we should get back to town, see if maybe she's gone back that way. But first..."

The hulking white pegasus followed his gaze, beady red eyes narrowing. He leered. "YEEEEAH..."

Twilight's eyes narrowed. Her saddlebags suddenly burst open, and several dozen tiny pistols erupted from within, surrounding the surprised stallion and pointing right at him. "Don't. Even. Think about it."

The pegasus gulped.

Hoof coughed. "Now, Miss...t'ain't no need to get all in a huff over a little...misunderstanding..."

"Oh, I think we 'understood' just fine," Pinkie said from behind him, blue eyes narrowed. Hoof turned and swallowed audibly as he beheld the enormous pink cannon aimed right at his flank.

"Ah...heheh...yeah..." the musclebound stallion said nervously, ears twitching as he backed away from the two mares. "Um...we'll just get back to lookin' for..."

He fell to the ground suddenly as a colorful blur shot past him, scattering Twilight's magically-levitated guns all over the place. The flying blur curved, leaving a rainbow trail in its wake as it slammed into Loose Hoof, who was knocked clear into the wall of the mountain pass, nearly knocking over a startled Pinkie Pie.

"What the--?" the white pegasus grunted, shaking his head to clear it. He looked up, and his eyes widened. "YOU!"

"Now, you fellas weren't gonna throw down over little ol' me, were ya?" the blue pegasus asked, batting her eyes playfully as she hovered in the air.

"GET 'ER, BOYS!" the bulky brute below bellowed.

The pegasus posse took to the air, their hailguns blasting away. The red longcoat of the blue mare flapped wildly around her flank as she dodged, ducked, and dived at dizzying speeds. Twilight and Pinkie could only stare in shock and awe.

"She's...she's crazy..." Twilight breathed. "Totally, completely horse-apple crazy..."

"Could she be..." Pinkie wondered, blinking her bright blue eyes. "Could she really be...Dash the Stampede?"

"No. There's no way. There's absolutely no way that completely insane pony is the world's most dangerous outlaw..."

"DIE, YOU LITTLE--!" the muscular horse bellowed, unlimbering his cloudplow. The belted mechanism on his foreleg whirred and hummed to life as he drew back to throw.

High in the sky, the blue mare listed wildly to the side, dodging the enormous blade as it whizzed past...in the direction of the two insurance mares. Scowling, she darted after it, violently kicking it to knock it off course. It slammed into Loose Hoof, who had just been getting to his hooves, knocking him out cold again.

The rainbow-maned pegasus turned and faced the bulky stallion, cocky smirk firmly in place. She flew high into the air, then streaked down in a steep suicide dive. The beady red eyes of the white stallion widened in alarm as he took a hoof to the face and was laid out cold.

His posse bolted off in multiple directions, not daring to look back.

The blue pegasus came to a stop, hovering just above the two insurance mares, who blinked up at her. "Well, whaddya think?" she asked, grinning cockily. "Did I work off the money and the cupcakes?"

"You...came back...to save us?" Twilight asked.

"Eh, I couldn't just leave ya hangin'," the rainbow-maned mare said.

A cluster bomb tumbled across the rocky ground, landing just beneath her hooves.

The three mares looked down at it.

"Oh SHI--"

A bedraggled Twilight Sparkle sat at a desk in their room at the inn in Klassen. A quill floated through the air in front of her, scratching furiously on a sheet of parchment.

"Our investigation has determined that the rockslide which destroyed half of St. Germain was caused by the illegal use of explosives by a bounty hunter named Loose Hoof. Please pay all insurance claims related to this incident as per company policy." She sighed, setting the quill down. "And we still haven't completed our mission...we never DID find Dash the Stampede..."

Behind her, Pinkie lay on her back on the comfortable feather bed, snoring loudly, a huge bubble of snot dangling from one nostril.

"Didja hear about St. Germain?"

"Yeah, they said Dash the Stampede buried half the town in a pile of rubble."

"Yeah. Strange thing is, nopony got hurt."

"Who needs Celestia for a miracle, huh?"

The wind carried the gossip through and past the ears of a blue pegasus mare in a red longcoat, who flapped slowly east, the setting suns at her back making her shadow stretch out in front of her.

It's in our nature to doubt what's right in front of our eyes. Sometimes you wonder, "is this the truth?" Sometimes you wonder, "is this really right?"

It's in our nature to wonder about those we encounter in life.

The next chapter of Skygun, "Wonder of Doubt", is gonna be 20% cooler...

Wonder of Doubt

Under the cover of night, a pegasus wearing a long red coat flew low over a shallow dune, peering intently at an austere mansion below, its windows aglow with bright electric light. Moonlight glinted brilliantly off the silver weapon held in clenched teeth.

A gunshot echoed in the stillness, and a bullet bit into the pegasus' side. Hissing in pain and biting back a curse, the red-garbed pony turned and flew slowly into the dark desert.

=WONDER OF DOUBT=

Every day, there seemed to be something new to add to the checklist of Things Twilight Sparkle Is Tired Of.

She had started writing the list after that horrible day, just over a week ago, when their first solid lead in their current assignment ended in confusion, chaos, and a concussion.

In the nine days since the disaster in St. Germain, Twilight had become Tired Of:

* Pinkie's near-ceaseless bubbleheaded randomness.
* Pinkie's snoring.
* Shifty, lecherous stallions in filthy saloons.
* Confusing, misleading rumors about Dash the Stampede.

And ESPECIALLY...

* Pegasi in red coats.

"I cannot BELIEVE," she complained to her partner as they cantered up a dusty rise, "how many pegasus ponies are wandering around wearing red coats. How did I ever not notice before that practically every pegasus in the ENTIRE WORLD owns a red coat?"

"Mmm, I don't think they ALL do," Pinkie replied. "I mean, that big nasty pony we thought was Dash had one, but none of his henchponies did..."

Twilight groaned in aggravation. "Nevermind. Just..." she sighed. "I really hope we get to the next town soon. I'm parched."

"It IS a little hot and dry today," Pinkie said. "Well, more hot and dry than usual."

The two mares crested the rise and saw a relatively large town resting in a valley below. Pinkie blinked. "Wow, that's a big town. What town is that?"

"It's Creber," Twilight said absently. She glanced around. "There's the trail down into the valley over there. Come on."

A few minutes later, they were on the dusty streets of Creber, which upon first glance seemed to be a ghost town. "I don't see anypony, Twilight," Pinkie said.

"Yeah, it looks deser--A WELL!" Eagerly, the lavender unicorn charged over to the unguarded well in what appeared to be the town square. Pinkie followed hot on her hooves. The two thirsty, travel-weary mares hauled up the bucket...

Two pebbles and a few grains of sand rattled around in it. There was no water.

"There's no water," Pinkie complained.

Twilight groaned, facehoofing. Just as she was about to berate Pinkie for stating the glaringly obvious, the wind carried the faint sound of conversation to the two mares. Twilight's ears twitched. "There IS somepony here," she whispered. Glancing around, she pointed with a hoof. "Over there."

The two ponies crept stealthily in the direction of the voices...

"Yeah, I heard it too. The brothers' mansion was attacked last night. Somepony said they saw a pegasus in a red coat, with a big silver gun..."

Twilight's eyes widened. "Could it possibly be...?"

"First the water dries up," a second voice complained, "then that damn outlaw shows up! This town ain't fit fer nopony no more..."

Twilight and Pinkie exchanged a glance.

After a little investigating, they learned there was a large, luxurious mansion a little over half an ile outside town. Pinkie's eyes lit up as they approached. "Wooooow."

"Whoever lives here must be loaded," Twilight mused. She raised a hoof and knocked on the front door. "Hello? Excuse me! My name is Twilight Sparkle, I'm with the Barnyardelli Insurance Society. My partner and I would like to ask some questions--"

"And we'd really like some water!" Pinkie added.

"Pinkie!" Twilight admonished furiously. "Don't say that--"

The door opened. Two hooves crossed the threshold, a glass of water balanced on each.

Despite her admonishment, Twilight eagerly accepted the water and drank quickly, as did Pinkie. Once they had quenched their thirst, Twilight opened her mouth to thank their benefactor...

"YOU?!" she shouted in disbelief.

The blue pegasus mare standing in the doorway waved lazily. "Hey," she said with a cocky grin, "didn't expect to see you two again!"

"What...are you doing here?" Twilight asked through gritted teeth.

"Well, it just so happens, I'm these guys' new hired gun..." the rainbow-maned pony explained, stretching and flexing her wings as she examined the edge of her right front hoof with half-lidded eyes.

"Hm? Do we have guests?" a male voice asked from within. A yellow unicorn with a short red mane streaked with white and a thick, waxed mustache peeked out over the mare's shoulder.

"Ah, you must be the owner here!" Twilight greeted. "We'd just like to ask some questions, if you don't mind..."

"Not at all, not at all!" the stallion replied genially, stepping back and making an ushering-in gesture with his forehooves. "Well? Show the little ponies in, Dash!"

"DASH?!" Twilight and Pinkie shouted.

The blue mare rubbed the back of her head with a hoof, grinning sheepishly. "Come on in, I guess..."

A steaming teapot sat in the middle of the large mahogany table in the center of the lavish sitting room. At one end of the room, there was a raised, polished wooden stage, a red velvet curtain draped in front of it. The blue pegasus lounged lazily on a plush sofa across from the two guests, who sat in comfortable chairs, cups of tea in front of them.

Their host cleared his throat. "Just a moment, ladies..." His horn glowed a deep green, and he disappeared in a bright flash. A moment later, the curtain in front of the stage parted, revealing their host and another unicorn stallion, identical save for his lack of a mustache. Both were dressed in loud blue-and-white striped vests, bow ties, and straw boaters with blue satin hatbands. A scratchy phonograph began to play a jaunty melody.

And then the two stallions...sang.

"He's Flim!"
"He's Flam!"
"We're brothers, as you see!"
"We're very pleased to offer you our hospitality!"
"We've got water, we've got ice!"
"We sell it all at a great low price!"
"Well we don't like to see anypony drying out--"
"--so we sell them all our water, 'cause that's what we're about!"
"Oh he's Flim,"
"He's Flam,"
"We run the waaa teeeeer traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade..."
"And everypony needs water every day, so we raaaake iiiiiiiin biiiiiiiiits iiiiiiiiiin spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaades!"

They finished the last line together with a grand flourish, doffing their hats and shaking them in the air.

Pinkie clapped, giggling. The pegasus rolled her eyes, blowing upward on her multihued bangs. Twilight just stared at the twins.

"Uh...that's...nice?" she offered.

The two brothers stepped down off the stage; the curtain closed behind them. They took seats at the head of the table. Flim--the brother sans mustache--said, "It's just a little something we do in our spare time. A hobby, you see."

"Yeah, you wouldn't believe how stressful our job here is," Flam added. "We've gotta unwind somehow."

"I...see," Twilight replied. She coughed. "So, you manage the water resources for this area?"

"That's right, little filly!" Flam said proudly. "We just happen to be lucky enough to be sitting right on top of a nice big underground reservoir!"

"But we can't just hand it over to the townsponies," Flim explained, pouring himself a cup of tea. "They don't know how to manage water, you see, so it'd all be gone in a week!"

"Yeah, you can't just drink it all up without rationing, filtering, pumping, recycling..." Flam added.

"I get it, I get it," Twilight interrupted. "So you sell water to a dried-out town."

Flim sighed. "Well, we did until five days ago."

"We've been under attack, you see," his brother added. "Somepony wants us dead."

"We heard about that," Twilight said.

"That's why we hired this charming little pegasus!" Flam said, gesturing to the blue mare, who stood at attention, saluting smartly.

"Yes! The coolest, most awesome pegasus in the world, the pony who flies faster and shoots straighter than anypony else, the mare with the bounty of sixty billion bits on her head...I am that mare!"

"So you ARE Dash the Stampede!" Pinkie exclaimed happily. "We did it, Twilight! We found Dash!"

Twilight groaned. "Get serious, Pinkie. There's no WAY this...CLOWN is THE legendary outlaw."

"CLOWN?!" the pegasus protested, fuming. "I oughtta--"

"We were surprised too," Flim said, ignoring the ranting pegasus, who sank back onto the sofa in a deep sulk. A slip of paper levitated from the corner desk onto the table in front of the insurance mares. "After the attack, we put out an ad for a bodyguard, you see. We asked for a pony with ace gunfighter skills like Dash the Stampede."

"Imagine our surprise when the real thing showed up!" Flam added.

"Yeah, you see? The real thing. The. Real. Thing," the pegasus interjected, flying over the table and jabbing Twilight in the chest with a forehoof for emphasis.

"Yeah, I'll just bet," Twilight muttered, facehoofing. "Do you really, honestly believe a wanted outlaw would just respond to an ad like this out of the blue?"

"Why not? Even outlaws gotta eat," Flim shrugged. "Besides, we're a little desperate. You see..."

The velvet curtain opened again, and there was a new pony on the stage. The red-coated pegasus mare suddenly focused her attention raptly on this newcomer, wings flared in excitement.

The mare on the stage was also a pegasus; she wore a midnight blue spandex bodysuit which covered her from head to hoof; the only exposed parts of her body were her wings, ears and snout, which were of a cyan color similar to the rainbow-maned pony. Her mane and tail, however, were a bright, shiny white. Heavy goggles covered her eyes, and a stylized lightning bolt graced the flank of her bodysuit where her cutie mark would normally appear.

"Oh wow!" Pinkie exclaimed. "So you have a twin too?" she asked the red-coated mare.

"Nah, we're not related. I kinda wish we were, though..."

Flam explained, "This is Fleetfoot, a member of the Wonderbolts."

"Wonderbolts?" Pinkie asked.

"They're a world-famous aerial stunt team," Twilight explained. "They fly all over the world, putting on stunt-flying shows for everypony."

"And we could really use a break on our insurance premiums," Fleetfoot said as she stepped down from the stage and sat primly at the table. "We're really getting bucked in the flank..."

"Not...really my department, sorry," Twilight said with a nervous laugh.

"Fleetfoot's been staying with us recently," Flim said, "to work out an agreement to put on a show here, you see."

"To revitalize the town, you see," Flam added. "On account of how dead things've been, what with the drought and all..."

"Yes, we noticed how quiet and empty the town is," Twilight said, nodding.

"Well, we certainly can't let anything bad happen to our guest, and of course we don't want to get killed ourselves," Flim said with a chuckle, "so that's why we hired Dash here to be our bodyguard, you see."

"You can count on me!" the multihued pegasus said, striking a confident, reassuring pose.

Twilight's left ear twitched. "Um...could I talk to you for juuuuust a second?" she asked Flam.

"Why certainly, little lady!" the yellow unicorn replied. The two of them both vanished in bursts of light; a moment later, their muffled voices could be heard from behind the velvet curtain.

"I hate to tell you this, but you're being deceived."

"On the contrary! We're the ones doing the deceiving!"

"Come again?"

"Okay look...obviously that rainbow-haired loony out there isn't the real Dash. But you see, it doesn't matter! Just the word getting out that we hired Dash the Stampede as our bodyguard guarantees our safety! Nopony's stupid enough to try to attack the mansion as long as they think a legendary ace gunpony is hanging around, you see."

"So that's how it is..."

"Funny thing, though...when that pony showed up at our door, for a minute we thought she was the one trying to kill us! At least, until we got a good look at that mane. The pony trying to kill us wears a long red coat just like that, and has a big silver gun just like that, but has a white mane, you see."

"A white mane just like Fleetfoot's?"

"Hmm...now that you mention it..."

Outside the curtain, Pinkie asked Fleetfoot, "Are you secretly a merciless outlaw out to kill Mr. Flim and Mr. Flam?"

The Wonderbolt raised a forehoof; a pained grimace crossed her face. "Of course not! Why would you even--"

"Hey, back off, ya pink weirdo!" the other pegasus exclaimed hotly, getting right in Pinkie's face. "There's no WAY a Wonderbolt would ever do somethin' like that!"

"Oh, okay. I just wondered."

Flam and Twilight reappeared. "Alright then...it's decided. Since it's entirely possible the pony after your lives is the real Dash, Pinkie and I will stay on as bodyguards and help investigate the situation. AND, we won't even charge for our services."

"Splendid, splendid!" Flim exclaimed exuberantly. "We're really grateful, really and truly grateful!"

"Since when does the definition of 'bodyguard' include 'kitchen staff'?" Twilight grumbled as she stirred a pot using magic.

On the other side of the kitchen, Pinkie was happily baking a pan of muffins. "Oh, I don't mind at all, I love cooking and baking!" she beamed.

"Now, Pinkie, stay focused," Twilight admonished. "Something very strange is going on in this town, and I don't entirely trust anypony in this house."

"...but...I'm a pony in this house..." Pinkie said, eyes watering, a hoof raised to her mouth. "You don't trust ME?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Of COURSE I trust YOU, Pinkie! I meant the brothers and that Wonderbolt and especially that crazy pegasus!"

"Oh. ...Okay!"

The hired gunpony prowled the halls of the mansion. As she rounded a corner, she collided nose-first with Fleetfoot, who crashed to the floor with a sharp cry.

"Omigosh, I'm so sorry!" the red-clad mare exclaimed, leaning down to examine the stunt flier. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah," Fleetfoot replied, rubbing her sore nose with a hoof. "Don't worry about it."

"So hey, I wanted to talk to you about the Wonderbolts--"

"Um...could we maybe talk after dinner?" the white-maned pony interrupted. "I've gotta go over some plans and stuff..."

"Oh, okay. Sure, no problem. See you at dinner then." The rainbow-maned mare trotted off down the hall, ears flat and head hung low.

Fleetfoot watched her go, frowned, then continued on her way.

Twilight went out into the small garden in the mansion's courtyard to pull up some daffodils to use as garnish. As she did so, she saw, through one of the windows, the Wonderbolt creep into a room and prowl around, looking nervous.

The unicorn frowned. "Wait a second...is that...the brothers' study?"

Late that evening, an hour after dinner, the hired bodyguard began searching the mansion fervently. Cantering into the sitting room, she called out, "Fleetfoot? Hey, Fleetfoot? Where are you? I drew you up a nice hot bath..."

"Wow, you're really sucking up to that stuntpony," Twilight commented somewhat acidly.

The gunpony reared up, kicking the air with her forelegs. "Hey! You startled me! And I'm NOT sucking up to Fleetfoot!" She paused, setting her hooves back down and shuffling them somewhat nervously, head bowed. "It's...I just...the Wonderbolts are my idols, okay?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She frowned. "Have you seen Mr. Flim or Mr. Flam? I wanted to let them know I'm taking first watch..."

The pegasus scratched at her multihued mane with a hoof. "Now that you mention it, not since dinner..."

"Hey Twilight?" Pinkie called, running up with something in her mouth. She spat it out on the floor. "Look what I found..."

The three mares stared down at the rumpled spandex suit, goggles, and a pile of blood-stained bandages.

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "I knew it."

"Huh?" the blue mare cried. "You don't think--" she drew back. "No way! There's just no WAY!"

"The evidence is pretty overwhelming," Twilight pointed out.

"And I'm tellin' ya, you crazy horse, Wonderbolts don't go around shootin' at people!" the gunpony exclaimed, wings flared wide...

Her left wing got tangled up in a velvet cord hanging from the ceiling. She yelped and fought to free herself; as she did so, she tugged on the cord, causing the velvet curtains to open. A second, harder tug caused a secret panel in the stage floor to drop open with a loud *thunk*.

The three ponies stared at the suddenly-revealed secret passage.

"Maybe everypony went down there," Pinkie suggested. Twilight facehoofed.

Fleetfoot, clad in a tight red longcoat with a star-shaped silver badge pinned to the chest, crept quietly around a dimly-lit cavern beneath the mansion. A large, shiny silver gun peeked out of a holster just under her right foreleg. Before her loomed a large dam, enormous vacuum tubes atop the concrete structure glowing with the electricity being generated.

As she approached the dam, eyes narrowed, hidden speakers began broadcasting scratchy carnival music.

"So here you are, our little superstar! But you're not really a flying ace!"

The pegasus' eyes widened in alarm as the two unicorn brothers emerged from the shadows on opposite ends of the cave. They had sinister expressions on their faces, and the timbre of their singing was menacing.

"You're a spy, come a-snoopin' for our dirty little secrets, it's as plain as the nose on your face!"

Scowling, Fleetfoot drew her weapon; she squeezed the custom mouth-trigger, and the massive gun fired a horseshoe at the nearer brother. The recoil caused her to wince; her shot went wide, the horseshoe clattering against the concrete canal running through the center of the cave.

"Well you gave us quite a scare, you silly little mare, but you know we can't let you go!"
"You're a threat and a menace, you're a spanner in the works, you could ruin the whole darn show!"
"But you're not quite up to form, no, not really at your norm, 'cause we shot you, me oh myyyyyyyyyyy--"

Without warning, the two brothers disappeared and reappeared in a flash, surrounding her; Flam bucked in her the side where she had taken a bullet the night before, and she collapsed to the ground with a pained scream.

"--so say goodnight, my snoopy little pony, 'cause noooow yoooooooou're goooonnnnaaaaaaa diiiiiiiiiiiiie!"

"Hey you know somethin'? You guys' singin' really sucks," a voice interrupted. The brothers and their victim looked up to see the red-clad, rainbow-maned mare hovering above the landing of the secret passage. A moment later, Twilight Sparkle appeared beneath her in a flash, and a laughing Pinkie Pie tumbled down the ramp and rolled across the cave like a bowling ball, bouncing off the rock wall with an odd *sproing* before uncurling and landing on all four hooves beside her partner.

"O-ho, more party crashers, brother mine!" Flim exclaimed.

"One, four, it doesn't matter. They won't be the first nosy ponies we've had to take care of," Flam replied calmly.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "You two are slime," she spat.

"Maybe so, but we're RICH slime!" Flim said jovially. His horn glowed, and a handgun appeared in front of him, aimed at the purple mare.

The rainbow-maned pegasus, meanwhile, had flown over to attend to her fallen idol. "Hey, you okay?"

"I-I'm fine," Fleetfoot replied shakily.

The gunpony noticed the silver badge on Fleetfoot's coat, and her eyes widened. "You're a marshal?" she asked.

Fleetfoot nodded as she stood, stumbling. "I was sent here undercover to try to expose these two and their little scheme."

The other pegasus looked up and frowned. "That dam...it's causing the drought in town, isn't it?"

"So what if it is? That water passes under our land, we can do whatever we please!" Flim snorted, not taking his eyes off Twilight, who stood frozen in place.

A rainbow blur suddenly filled his vision, and he was sent flying across the cave, crashing head-first into a pile of ice blocks. His gun clattered noisily to the cave floor.

"Why you little--!" Flam shouted, magically drawing and firing his own gun. The other ponies present stared in surprise as the cocky pegasus dodged the bullet with contemptuous ease.

"Wow, she's fast," Pinkie said, impressed.

Twilight's mouth dropped open. "How did she...?"

"HAH! You'll never hit the fastest flier in the whole entire world!" the rainbow-maned mare laughed. "Come on, keep shootin'! I'll dodge every last one!"

"I'll take you up on that," Flam said.

"So will I," Flim added, recovering shakily.

For the next thirty seconds, the cave was filled with streaks of rainbow light as the gunpony dodged a barrage of bullets fired by the two brothers. By the time they ran empty, their target hadn't taken a single hit.

"My turn," she said, drawing her revolver.

The unicorn brothers glanced at one another.

"Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin', brother mine?"

"Indeed I am, Flim, indeed I am!" Flam's mustache twitched. The brothers nodded to one another, then turned to face the dam. Their horns glowed...

A panel on the face of the dam slid open with a loud grinding sound, and a massive gatling cannon emerged.

The pegasus' eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Oh crap."

Twilight and Pinkie stared, stunned. "What the hay?!" the purple unicorn gasped.

"That's one biiiiiiiig gun," Pinkie said quietly. "Even bigger than mine..."

"DIE!" the brothers cried in unison as the massive barrel began to rotate, spewing out blazing death.

With an alarmed yelp, the multihued mare dove behind the pile of ice blocks. Ice chips flew in every direction as the bullets bit into and ricocheted off of the blocks, sending everypony scrambling for cover. Getting an idea, the pegasus hefted one of the massive ice blocks off the top of the pile and, with effort, flew straight at the dam. She had nearly reached the barrel of the gatling gun, her shield of ice dangerously depleted, when there was a sudden shattering of glass, followed by a loud *pop-fizzle* sound.

One of the tubes atop the dam had shattered, and the generator was shorting out.

The gun turret ground to a halt, its source of power cut off, and everypony emerged from their hiding places.

Two pegasi held cocked guns to the foreheads of the two stallions, who swallowed audibly.

"Just--just who are you, anyway?" Flam asked the rainbow-maned pony.

She grinned cockily. "I'm just a bodyguard, doin' the job you hired her for. I'm protectin' Fleetfoot here."

"And I'm arresting you two," the marshal added.

"Um...everypony?" Pinkie asked suddenly. "Is...um...is the dam supposed to be leaking and sparking and smoking and steaming and hissing like that?"

The pegasi and unicorns turned to look at the dam...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Six thoroughly drenched ponies, two of them hog-tied and unconscious, stood on the ridge overlooking Creber.

Or what little could be seen of it. Only the rooftops of the larger buildings were still visible; the rest of the valley was completely flooded. An extremely irritated white rabbit could be seen riding atop a broken restaurant sign, a sad little pile of soggy lettuce beside him.

"Don't worry about the town," Fleetfoot said. "The water will go back underground where it belongs, and the town will prosper like never before."

"That's a relief," Twilight said. "It's also a good thing the town was pretty much deserted in the first place."

"There is that," the marshal nodded. She turned to her rainbow-maned savior. "But you know, you were really something down there. Something completely and totally insane, but something."

The other pegasus rubbed the back of her head sheepishly with a hoof. "Aww, it was nothin'," she said.

"But you know...the way you dodged all those bullets...it's almost as if you really WERE Dash the Stampede," Fleetfoot mused.

"Yeah?" the multihued mare replied, preening her pinions. "And what if I was?"

"Then I'd arrest you," the marshal said simply.

"Right...of course you would." The cocky mare stopped preening, suddenly less cheerful.

"So, your job here's done, right?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," Fleetfoot replied.

"Unfortunately, we're right back where we started..." Twilight sighed. Then she noticed that the rainbow-maned pegasus was taking off. "You're leaving already?" she asked.

"Yeah, not much point stickin' around here. Adios!"

The group watched her until she was a speck on the horizon.

"She might make a good Wonderbolt," Fleetfoot commented.

"If you say so," Twilight said, shaking her head. "Come on, Pinkie, we'd best get going too."

"Dammit," the pegasus grumbled as she flew over the desert in the pale moonlight. "My perfect chance to get in good with the Wonderbolts...but I don't wanna get arrested...bet I get blamed for this one too..."

Derpy Hooves. A mare who spends her days and nights lost in muffins and cider.

Derpy Hooves. A pony who used to believe in something. Now she just derps around, making messes for other ponies to clean up.

What do you believe in? What does anypony believe in? Everypony needs a purpose in life.

Derpy Hooves. A pony without a purpose, looking for answers in the bottom of a bottle.

The next chapter of Skygun, "Mess Maker", is gonna be 20% derpier...

Mess Maker

The moons shone down on the dark, quiet streets of Libman City, the most peaceful town in the world. The sole disturbance in the otherwise still night was a wall-eyed pegasus mare staggering through the city, a cider bottle clutched in her mouth. One of her eyes swiveled towards the brightly-lit entrance of a saloon, and she stumbled drunkenly in its direction.

The saloon doors swung open, the sounds of lively nighttime patrons boiling out into the streets as she lurched inside. She crashed into a table, dropping her bottle and upsetting the stallion and the donkey sitting there. She laid her forehooves on the table, getting right in their faces. "*hic* H-heeeeeey, mister, can you help a pony out? I need...I need some muffins, bad. I don't have any money, but I'll *hic* take aaaaaaaaanything that's a muffin! Blueberry, banana nut, chocolate, even b--*hic*--bran, I'm desp'rate! C'mon, gimme a muffin..."

"BUCK OFF, ya derpy-eyed freak!" the stallion roared, bucking the pegasus back out through the saloon doors. "An' don't show your stupid-ass face in here again...oh, sorry George."

"It's okay," the donkey seated across from him replied drearily.

Out in the alley, the wall-eyed pegasus picked herself up, shook herself off, and trotted down the dark, lonely street, occasionally crashing into rainbarrels, trashcans, and walls. "I just...I just dunno what went wrong..." she muttered forlornly.

=MESS MAKER=

Twilight and Pinkie sat on a bench in the lively town square of Libman City, eating lunch. "So, what do we look for today, Twilight?" Pinkie asked. "A red coat? A mare? A stallion? A pegasus? A pegasus mare in a red coat with a big silver gun? A bunny rabbit?"

"...bunny rabbit?" Twilight asked, eyeing her partner oddly. Shaking her head, she bit into her hay sandwich. Chewing thoughtfully, she said, "I'm through chasing stupid rumors. From now on, we do this scientifically, and rely only on factual evidence."

"Oh, okay."

A blue pegasus mare in a red coat flew past on the street overlooking the square, her rainbow mane fluttering in the light breeze. "Hi Dash!" Pinkie called out, waving a hoof.

The pegasus looked down at her and waved. "Oh hey, it's the insurance mares! Working hard?"

"Yes, we are!" Pinkie replied cheerfully.

"Well then, good luck!" The pegasus waved again, then flew off.

"Well, Twilight? That proves it. She's Dash."

"How does that prove she's Dash?" Twilight asked skeptically.

"I called out her name and she waved back," Pinkie said simply.

The unicorn groaned. "You called out and waved to her, and she waved back. That's a natural response. It doesn't prove anything. Besides, there's absolutely no way that crazy pony is Dash the Stampede. It just doesn't fit!"

"But...she DOES match the rumors, and she DID answer to the name, and you saw her fight like, twice now, right? And she's really really good, and somepony like Dash the Stampede has to be really really good at fighting, so..." Pinkie gestured emphatically with her hooves as she rambled.

"Sorry, not buying it," Twilight said, shaking her head dismissively. "If that lunatic is Dash, I'm a white rabbit."

A white rabbit hopped past their bench just then, cocked an ear, turned to glare at her, gave her the middle paw, and hopped off angrily.

"...Pinkie?" Twilight asked. "Did you put anything...funny in our lunch?"

"Funny?" Pinkie asked. "You mean funny like too much pepper, or funny like bad mayonnaise, or funny like poison joke, or funny like those weird mushrooms I found yesterday? Because I didn't put too much pepper or any bad mayonnaise in the sandwiches."

Twilight stared hard at her. "Or any poison joke or weird mushrooms either, I hope."

The pink mare put a hoof behind her head and laughed. "Um...well..."

Twilight groaned. "Somepony must really hate me."

The rainbow-maned mare flapped down the street, eyes scanning the signs on the shops to either side of her. "Now where's that--"

Without warning, something collided with her and knocked her sprawling to the ground. She rolled several times before righting herself, rearing on her hind legs, wings flared. "Alright, who's the wiseguy?"

Near where she had fallen, she espied a blond-maned gray pegasus mare whose fur was stained with spilled cider. A shattered bottle lay at her hooves. The gray pony picked herself up and shook her head; when she opened her eyes, one of them fixed on the cyan pony, while the other looked off in a different direction entirely. "H-hey, watch where you're flyin'," she slurred. "Y'--y'made me spill my BLEUUUUUUUGH!"

The rainbow-maned pegasus wrinkled her nose in distaste at the prodigious puddle of putrid pony puke now covering the broken bottle. "Yyyyyyeah...later," she said, taking wing. She had just reached rooftop level when she was knocked to the ground again; hot breath that stank of alcohol, bile, and...blueberries?...assailed her nostrils.

"C'mon, you knocked me down an' an' made me spill my cider an'--an' made me puke aaaaaaall over," the wall-eyed mare said. "An' for that, y'--*brrp* ooooh--y' gotta buy me some bre'fas'. An'--an' s'more booze!"

"Ugh, get OFF me, you--"

"Y'GOTTA!" the gray mare insisted, hopping up and down on the other pony's back insistently. The cyan pegasus swore she heard bones cracking. She groaned.

"Alright, ALRIGHT! I'll pony up. Just...breathe somewhere else, willya? And stop jumping on my back!"

"WOOHOO!" the gray mare cheered, leaping high into the air and spinning crazily.

The saloon doors opened, and the plump old unicorn behind the bar looked up from where she was polishing a glass. "Ugh, you again," she muttered. "Got any money this time?"

"It's okay, my friend here's buyin'!" the gray mare said cheerfully, one hoof around the red-clad pegasus. She dragged her new "friend" over to a table and plunked her down face-first on a chair, then dropped onto the chair across from her, breaking it underneath her. "Whoopsie," she burbled.

The unicorn rolled her eyes, but approached the table with a tray of fresh-baked chocolate chip muffins and a large bottle of cider. As she trotted over, she eyed the blue pony warily. "Hey, I'm gonna need to hold onto your gun," she said gruffly. "Don't want no trouble in here."

"Sure, no problem," the mare replied, pulling her large silver revolver from its holster and placing it on the table.

The unicorn picked it up with her magic, eyeing it curiously as she floated it above the table. "Heck of a strange gun," she noted.

"Yeah, it's pretty old. Somepony gave it to me a long time ago. It's pretty good, though--"

"Naw it ain't," the sloppy, wall-eyed mare across from her said.

"Yes it is!" the rainbow-maned pegasus replied hotly, banging a hoof on the table.

"Bet it don't shoot straight," the lush muttered. "Bet it's off three inches from ten yars."

The blue pony spluttered indignantly. "Well...well...what would you know about shootin' straight, you...derpy..." She trailed off, eyes narrowing. She frowned, leaning across the table. "Say, you wouldn't happen to be Derpy Hooves, by any chance?"

The gray mare swallowed a muffin in one gulp, then took a long drink of cider. She said nothing in response.

"Yeah, that's Derpy," the bartender replied, shaking her head. "Don't tell me you came here to see her."

"Uh...well...yeah, actually," the blue pegasus said, eyeing Derpy oddly. "I was kinda hopin' she'd be, well..."

"Sober?" the unicorn finished with a snort, shaking her head. "Fat chance of that. Derpy ain't been sober one day in the last ten years." She fixed the pegasus with a stern glare. "And if you came lookin' to get her to fix your gun, forget it. She'll just break it, like she breaks everything el--"

The cider bottle Derpy had been drinking from smashed into the bar beside the bartender, just missing her hoof.

"Great," the blue pegasus muttered, blowing upwards on her multihued bangs. She reached out for a muffin, only to discover they were all gone. She banged her face against the table with a loud sigh.

"What do you mean, there's no sheriff here?!"

Twilight and Pinkie stood across a large granite desk from an old gray-maned mare. The mare in question simply smiled kindly at her. "Well, what do we need a sheriff for? Libman City's the quietest, most peaceful place in the world! Only trouble we get around here are a few crazy drunks and one derpy-eyed pegasus who breaks stuff a lot. There just isn't any need for a sheriff here."

Twilight frowned. "Well, I hate to tell you this, Madame Mayor, but we've learned that the legendary outlaw, Dash the Stampede, is headed right for this town, and may in fact be here already!"

The mayor laughed. "Dash the Stampede? Oh, what fun! I certainly wouldn't mind seeing somepony like that stir things up a little around here..."

Twilight stared at her in disbelief. "You're insane," she said dully. She turned to the door and trotted out. "Come on, Pinkie. We're obviously wasting our time here. It's up to us to protect this town from Dash."

"Don't mind her," Pinkie said to the mayor as she left. "She was up all night with the Trots--"

A gunshot rang out, and a bullet ricocheted off the floor an inch from Pinkie's left hind leg.

"Wellgottagomypartner'salittlecrankynicetownyouhaveherehopeitisn'tdestroyedbye!"

On a high bluff overlooking Libman City, a burly tan bull charged up the narrow pass, kicking up a cloud of dust. "HEY BIG BRO!" he bellowed. "It's just like we heard! The stagecoach is a-comin', an' this town ain't got no sheriff!"

Seated atop a large, open-topped iron wagon, a tall, lean black bull in a violently purple suit grinned. The light of the twin suns reflected brightly off his horns, his teeth, and the tiny silver-rimmed red glasses he wore. "Yeah yeah yeah!" he shouted. "Alright alright ALRIGHT!" He leapt down from his perch; two unicorns at his side magically lifted a heavy weapons harness onto his back and strapped it in place. The daunting guns clacked open and closed ominously as the larger tan bull was hitched up to the wagon. "I smell opportunity up in this here town," the purple-suited bull said.

"It gets better," the other bull said. "They say that legendary outlaw is on the way here. You know, Dash the Stampede."

The purple-suited bull raised an eyebrow. "Dash the Stampede? The Equine Typhoon? Here? Well al-RIGHT, this couldn't BE better!" He grinned nastily. "Why don't we head on down there, show these ponies a REAL stampede?"

The blue mare had helped Derpy get home after a long day of drinking and chomping down muffin after muffin. Now, she watched the wall-eyed pegasus sleep, lost in thought.

"Derpy Hooves?" the tailor in McNeil had said when she inquired about the famed gunsmith. "I'd forget looking for her if I were you. Sure, she used to be the greatest gunsmith in the whole world, but...about ten years ago, she was at the bank with her little filly, and there was a robbery. Her daughter got shot and killed, and Derpy, well...old Derpy took one in the head, see. She survived, but she hasn't been quite the same ever since. The shot wonked up one of her eyes and made her really clumsy. About the best thing you can say for her is she also completely forgot about her daughter, so she doesn't even feel the pain..." He had sighed, shaking his head. "Yeah, she just derps around these days. I doubt she can even pick up a gun, let alone fix one. Best to just forget about it..."

In the flickering lantern light, as Derpy slept, the blue mare could just make out the ugly scar, hidden by her mane. She looked around at the massive collection of broken and empty bottles and dented muffin pans and sighed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" a scream tore through the quiet of the morning. Derpy opened her eyes, squinting against the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows.

"DASH THE STAMPEDE'S ROBBING THE STAGECOACH!" the same pony screamed.

Derpy leapt to her hooves, wings flared. "What? Dash the Stampede?" she flew to the open window, bumping into the sill twice before finally managing to fly out into the street. In the dusty alley that ran behind her house, she saw a rainbow-maned head duck into a trashcan.

"You're...kidding, right?" Twilight asked as she eyed the leader of the bandits, one eye twitching.

"Oh wow, Dash the Stampede isn't even a pony at all," Pinkie said, blinking.

The lean black bull in the purple suit leered at them. "That's right, little filly! I'm Dash the Stampede, and I'm one hundred percent bull!"

"You're one hundred percent bull alright," Twilight muttered.

A very large gun filled her field of vision, cocking menacingly. "What was that?" the bull claiming to be Dash asked.

"Nothing!" Twilight replied, taking a step back.

"I didn't think so. Now, be good little ponies an' help my boys here fill up that there wagon..."

With a sigh, Twilight began levitating large bags of money into the bandits' getaway wagon.

"Well this sucks," the blue mare said as she watched the commotion in the street.

The trashcan lid on her head slammed down. "What're you gonna do?" she heard Derpy say above her.

She pushed against the lid, heaving the gray pegasus' hooves off and peering back out into the street. "Maybe take the place of one of the hostages," she mused.

The lid slammed down on her head again. "That sounds scary."

Gritting her teeth, she pushed up again, knocking the lid askew. "Maybe I'll just fly in there and make a big commotion," she said.

Derpy hopped on top of the trashcan and began jumping up and down excitedly. "But isn't that the really scary outlaw Dash the Stampede?" she asked. "You could get really hurt--"

The trashcan tipped over with a loud clatter, and Derpy tumbled out into the street, whinnying in confusion, as the occupant of the trashcan angrily bucked the lid. "SHEESH," the blue mare muttered, trotting out of the alley, dusting herself off with her wings.

Out in the street, Derpy tumbled right into Pinkie, knocking her over. A bag of bits fell off the startled pink mare's back, landing on the hoof of one of the bandits. The accosted bandit pony yelped, taking a step back and colliding with the large tan bull. "IDIOT!" the bull bellowed, snorting and charging him; the unicorn tumbled end-over-end, crashing into the back of the getaway wagon.

"You're ALL idiots," the bandit boss snorted. "Get back to work before I gore every last one of you!"

"Sorry boss!"

"Wow, you ARE scary," a mare's voice called out.

The purple-suited bull looked up at the red-clad blue mare who was leaning against the getaway wagon. "Who--who the hell are you?!" he rumbled.

"Oh, is this your wagon?" the pegasus replied, examining it curiously. With a well-placed kick, she shattered one of the wheels; the wagon collapsed to the ground. "Oops, looks like it's broken!"

The bandits stared in confusion and rage. "YOU LITTLE--!" the boss bull bellowed.

The tan bull got right in her face. "Hey you! Don't you know who this is? This is the legendary outlaw, the most dangerous gunslinger in the entire world, the one and only Dash the Stampede!"

"Yeah, right," the pegasus replied. "Everypony knows Dash the Stampede is a pony, not some lame bull."

"I'll show YOU lame!" the tan bull cried. Lowing angrily, he bowed his head, pawed at the ground, and charged the pegasus.

...who yawned, before taking wing; the charging bull slammed into the broken wagon, denting its iron side and sending bags of bits spilling out into the street.

"Wow, you sure showed me lame," the pegasus jeered, grinning cheekily. She flew down and kicked the bull sharply in the nose, sending him sprawling onto his back. The other bandits stared in dismay.

"You...what...just who the hell ARE you?!" the boss bull roared, eyes bulging behind his small red glasses.

"Who, me? Oh, I'm nopony special. Just the most radically awesome pony you'll ever meet..."

The sound of several dozen guns cocking interrupted her speech.

"Alright, that's enough," Twilight Sparkle said, staring down the bandit bull, who suddenly found himself surrounded by a veritable forest of small pistols, each suspended in a pinkish-red magical aura. "Why don't you and your little goon squad clear out of here before things get messy?"

The purple-suited bull stared at her, sweat beading on his forehead. "What...the..."

"Ooooh, nice guns!" another mare's voice interrupted. Derpy hovered in between the bandit and Twilight's guns, derped eyes darting around excitedly. "I like little guns, they remind me of muffins! All cute and little and--"

"Delicious?" Pinkie asked, looking up at the pegasus.

"No, silly, guns aren't delicious! But muffins are."

"Oooh, yeah! I love muffins!" Pinkie squealed.

"You too?" Derpy asked. "Muffins are my favorite!"

"Muffin THIS!" the bandit bull roared, ramming the wall-eyed pegasus in the rump with his horns. Derpy squawked as she was knocked right into Twilight...whose guns fell to the ground as she lost concentration.

The boss bull grinned nastily. "Well, now," he said as his own guns cocked and clacked, the full might of his formidable arsenal brought to bear on the three mares.

"Hey, ugly," a voice said from behind him, and he felt a sharp jerk on his tail. He turned, eyes narrowed...

A hoof slammed into his face, right between the eyes, shattering his glasses. The barrel of a silver revolver was pressed against his nose.

"Give it up already," the blue pegasus said, eyes narrowed. "You're done here."

"So it turns out that wasn't really Dash the Stampede," Pinkie said as Twilight began writing the company report. "It was a local bandit they call A Bull Named Brokeback."

"Well there's a big DUH," her partner replied grumpily, magically pressing an icepack against the large lump on her head. "Ugh, that stupid pegasus..."

"Which stupid pegasus? Derpy or Dash?"

"Derpy, and for the last time, THAT. ISN'T. DASH!"

"I'm pretty sure she is," Pinkie said. "Anyway, everypony's having a big party over at the saloon. I'm gonna go over there. You coming?"

"No thanks," Twilight replied. "I've got paperwork to do."

"Okey-dokey!" Pinkie said cheerfully.

"CHEERS!" a chorus of voices rang out as cider glasses were raised in a toast.

"Whoo, this is the good stuff!" the blue mare, the hero of the hour, declared, beaming happily.

"Oh, hey," Derpy said suddenly. "I tried to fix your gun, but...well..."

She pulled a burlap sack out of her saddlebag and dropped it on the table. It fell open, revealing a pile of gun parts, half of which were utterly destroyed.

The blue pegasus stared, wide-eyed, at what was left of her gun.

"I kinda broke it. Sorry," Derpy said sadly.

"You...you...that...you..."

A pink head popped up between them. "Oooh, is your gun broken, Dashie?" Pinkie asked. "I can take care of that!"

The blue mare blinked at her. "YOU can?" she asked.

"Uh-huh!" Pinkie replied cheerfully, unstrapping her own saddlebags and dropping them to the floor with a pronounced *thunk*. "I always carry a gun repair kit around with me. You know, in case of gun repair emergencies."

Ten minutes later, the pegasus' revolver was completely repaired, cleaned, and oiled.

"Wow, you're good," Derpy said around a blueberry muffin.

"Hey, thanks!" the other pegasus replied as she holstered her piece. "You're a real lifesaver!"

Pinkie beamed. "Anytime, Dashie!"

As the party wound down and the blue pegasus left, Derpy trotted out behind her.

"Say," she asked, "I've been wondering...are you really Dash the Stampede?"

"Well, I--" the blue mare began, but trailed off, a strange expression on her face. "Oh gosh...I'm gonna..."

Derpy shrieked and took wing as a massive pile of manure exploded out from beneath the other mare's red coat. "EWWWWWW," she exclaimed. "Even I never crapped in the street." Thoroughly nauseated, she flew off for home, occasionally bouncing off the walls of the surrounding buildings.

"Pinkie?"

"Yeah, Twilight?"

"Did you put any of those weird mushrooms in the muffins you baked for the party?"

"Um, maybe a little, why?"

"Because those mushrooms? Give ponies the Trots."

"Ooooooh....oopsie!"

A pony with something to protect has to be willing to take cold steel in hoof, and do whatever is necessary to protect that precious thing...even die.

A pony with something to say has to stand firm, hooves planted in the dust, and speak out in a loud, clear voice.

A pony who wants to control her own destiny has to be willing to take the bit between her teeth.

The next chapter of Skygun, "Hard Bucker", is gonna be 20% Dashier...

Hard Bucker

"Pleeeeeeeeeathe buy me a gun, Mama?"

In a small family diner, a filly with glasses and a curly red mane tugged at her mother's apron with her teeth, eyes wide and pleading. A little blue plastic revolver sat in a vinyl holster tied around her neck.

"What do you call that you have there?" her mother asked tiredly.

"That'th a toy! I want a real gun!" the filly whined.

"You're not old enough," her mother explained patiently.

"I'll thcrub the floorth and windowth and I'll clean out the outhouthe!" the filly pleaded.

"I'm telling you, Twist, you're too--"

The doors were kicked violently open.

Four large, dangerous-looking stallions stormed in. All four were heavily armed.

The patrons and staff looked up wildly, rearing and whinnying in alarm.

Hammers were cocked. Bolts were drawn back.

In the center of the storm of chaos, a blue pegasus in a red coat sat calmly, eating breakfast, oblivious to the carnage about to ensue.

The ponies' guns blazed...

=HARD BUCKER=

The mares, fillies, and old stallions who made up the staff and clientele of the little diner stared in wide-eyed horror at the scene before them.

The restaurant had been almost completely destroyed. None of the staff or patrons were injured...except for one.

The blue pegasus mare lay dead on the floor, a spreading pool of red surrounding her body and matting her rainbow-hued mane.

The gunponies at the entrance broke out in cheers.

"We did it!" their leader whooped. "The sixty billion is ours!"

"Dash the Stampede, brought down in Thiessen City," one of his cohorts said. "What a headline!"

"Hey, relax," the leader called out to the cowering townsponies. "We're billionaires now! We can fix this place up--heck, we'll make it better than ever!"

"R-really?" one of the waitresses asked.

"Sure, soon as we..." The leader broke off as he noticed one of his cohorts cautiously approaching the corpse, gun at the ready. "Hey, what's the matter? Why you actin' so scared?"

"I can't help it, boss," the stallion replied. "I mean, it's...it's HER lyin' there. It's Dash the Stampede."

"Yeah, and she's DEAD," the leader pointed out. "So relax."

"I know, it's just..."

A hoof pressed against the muzzle of the gun's barrel. The gunpony's eyes widened. "H-hey boss..."

"Oh, what is it noWHOA!"

The pegasus stood, one forehoof wrapped around the neck of the terrified gunpony, whose gun lay forgotten on the floor.

"I was right in the middle of breakfast, y'know," the blue mare said crossly.

The gunponies backed away nervously, forehooves raised. "H-how..." The leader approached, nose twitching. "You smell like...hot sauce?"

"Yeah, it spilled all over me when you idiots shot up the place," the pegasus replied. "You're gonna pay for my dry cleaning, pal!"

"You...!" The leader drew his gun and pressed it against her forehead. "You're gonna die!"

Nopony saw the pegasus move. And yet suddenly, the toy pistol Twist had been wearing was in her mouth, and six sucker-darts were pinned to the faces of the bounty hunters.

"Wh-what the..."

The blue mare tossed the plastic gun back to the curly-maned filly, then stared at the gunponies, smirking. "Well? Whatcha gonna do about it?" she taunted.

"Y-YOU...!!" the leader bellowed, raising his machine gun and drawing back the bolt.

The pegasus just stood there, smiling.

The leader pulled the trigger...and nothing happened.

"What...?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the pegasus taunted. "Looks like you're outta ammo."

"What? How did you know...?!"

"I counted," she replied calmly. "Now..." Her eyes narrowed, and she grinned wickedly. "My turn."

Two minutes later, the four stallions charged out into the streets, stripped bare to their flanks. In the diner, a pile of coats, hats, guns, and saddlebags sat in the middle of the floor.

"Well now," the pegasus said happily, "how 'bout some more pancakes?"

Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie stood on a bluff overlooking a city that was in terrible shape.

"There it is," Twilight said, peering through binoculars. "Thiessen City."

"Wow, half the town is covered in sand," Pinkie said.

Indeed, a sizeable portion of Thiessen City was buried under the perpetually-shifting sands of the surrounding desert. Where the city wasn't covered, the rest of the town was in obvious disrepair, with damaged buildings, sand-blasted signs, and debris everywhere.

"Their plant must have malfunctioned," Twilight mused, looking up at the large structures towering over the city. Every town on the planet had a plant; they consisted primarily of generator towers connected to glass enclosures resembling upside-down light bulbs, perched upon the desert at odd angles and supported by large, spindly metallic armatures. Three such towers overlooked Thiessen; only one of them was glowing. One was dark and clouded, and the third was shattered.

"Can't they fix them?" Pinkie asked.

"It costs a whole lot of money to fix a plant," Twilight replied with a shake of her head. "Probably more than the entire town has..." She lowered her binoculars. "Anyway, Dash the Stampede was spotted heading this way. We'd better hurry..."

"Yeah, that sure was somethin'," the toothless old stallion said, bushy mustache twitching as he watched the pegasus chomp her way through a stack of pancakes. "It sure was somethin', th' way you got rid'a them fellers without killin' 'em."

"Eh, killin' ponies just ain't my style," the mare replied through a thick mouthful of pancake and syrup. She swallowed, then added, "Besides, why waste money on bullets when I can spend it on a good breakfast?" She laughed loudly.

The old stallion laughed as well.

The barrel of a gun pressed itself into the back of the blue mare's neck.

"Please..." the waitress said, tears gathering in her dark eyes. "Please, don't move..."

The matronly old unicorn behind the counter produced a gun as well, pointed right between the blue pegasus' eyes.

The old stallion pulled a gun out of his vest, the mirth gone from his eyes as he held the weapon between leathery old gums.

The rainbow-maned mare looked around at the three of them, and sighed. "So that's how it is..."

"I'm very sorry," the old stallion mumbled, "but...you ARE Dash the Stampede, right?"

Outside, an entire crowd of townsponies had gathered...all bearing weapons.

The pegasus sighed tiredly. "Here we go again..."

Twilight and Pinkie stood atop one of the high-tension towers overlooking the city. "Something isn't right..." the unicorn muttered.

A massive explosion erupted, a cloud of dust billowing into the air. Dozens of angry shouts drifted up from the streets below.

"Wow, that doesn't sound like a very fun party," Pinkie said.

"It sure doesn't," Twilight replied. "We'd better check it out." She disappeared in a burst of magic; a moment later, Pinkie hopped off the metal tower, a pink parachute popping open as she descended.

"One thing's for sure," Twilight said as her partner landed beside her, a predatory grin on the unicorn's face, "today, Dash the Stampede is finally going down..."

"AAAAAAH!" the pegasus screamed as she plummeted into an alley, snagging on a clothesline. "WHY THE HAY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!"

"She went this way!"

"After her!"

"Don't let her get away!"

Disentangling herself from the clothesline, the pegasus dropped to the ground, hooves kicking up dust as she landed. "Seriously, why can't I ever catch a break? I just wanted some stupid pancakes, for neighin' out loud--"

"I FOUND HER!"

A burst of gunfire erupted; bullets bit into the sandblasted stone near the rainbow-maned mare's head. With an alarmed whinny, she reared and took wing, zipping down the alley so fast she overturned trashcans, kicked up clouds of dust, and caused a white rabbit to fall out of a window and land on its head.

"Why...won't...they...stop...bucking...SHOOTING AT ME?!" the mare cried out in frustration, making a ninety-degree turn straight up and rising into the sky above the city.

A rocket-propelled grenade missed her flank by inches.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

"YOU DUMB ASS!" a stallion roared angrily. "Don't use grenades! We can't get the bounty if they can't identify the body!"

"Sorr-ry," a sleepy-eyed gray donkey replied, dropping the bazooka mounted on his back.

Twilight and Pinkie stared in disbelief at the chaos around them. "What...in the world..." Twilight wondered.

"She went this way!" somepony cried.

"Don't let her get away!"

"Ahh! My laundry! DIE!"

"HEY! WATCH WHO YOU'RE AIMING AT!"

"OW! Hey, who threw a shoe?"

"Ahh, my hoof! It huuuuuurts!"

Twilight stared at the pony who had just collapsed at her hooves, and scowled. "Alright, this has gone far enough." She levitated a megaphone out of her saddlebag. "ATTENTION, PONIES OF THIESSEN! The outlaw you're pursuing is Dash the Stampede, the most dangerous pony in the entire world! If you value your lives, you'll stop chasing after her--"

//ALL PATROLS, TEMPORARILY HALT PURSUIT OF DASH THE STAMPEDE,// a voice called from the loudspeaker tower in the center of town.

"TEMPORARILY?!" Twilight cried in disbelief.

//REPORT TO BASE CAMP. REPEAT, ALL PATROLS REPORT TO BASE CAMP.//

Twilight grumbled. "Come on, Pinkie, let's go to this base camp and find out just what the hay is going on here."

The white rabbit who had been rudely roused from a nap moments earlier had found a new, quieter place to sleep--inside a rainbarrel.

The ground suddenly shook, and the barrel tipped over. Angrily, the rabbit scurried out, chittering...

...then took one look at the enormous red hoof filling the middle of the street, and withdrew into the alley once again, ears flat and limp.

"Okay, our last contact with Dash was in sector C..." the chairpony muttered, looking over an array of diagrams, maps, and hastily-scribbled reports on a large table in the center of a pavillion in the town square.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" Twilight bellowed at him through her megaphone.

The chairpony jumped, then turned to face her. "I'm sorry, miss, who are you?"

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, from the Barnyardelli Insurance Society, and I demand to know what's going on here!"

"What's it look like?" the chairpony muttered crossly. "We're trying to catch Dash the Stampede!"

"The whole town? All of you at once?" Pinkie asked.

"That's right," the chairpony replied.

"It's for the plant, isn't it?" Twilight asked as realization struck. "You need the bounty to repair the plant and save the city."

"That's right," the chairpony replied.

A dark-maned chestnut stallion cantered up to him, a sheaf of papers clutched in his mouth. He dropped them on the table. "Here are the damage estimates from the first assault."

"Your insurance isn't going to cover that, you know," Twilight said archly.

The ground suddenly shook.

"Insurance and damage estimates may be a moot point," the chairpony said with a grimace, covering his head with his forehooves. His ears lay flat. "I think our trump card just showed up."

"Trump card?" Twilight asked.

The chairpony pointed skyward with a trembling hoof. "That."

Something massive blotted out the suns just then: an enormous red stallion, body augmented with prodigious amounts of steam-powered bionic implants. A tiny yellow filly with a red mane topped with a cute pink bow sat perched on the improbably huge pony's back.

Twilight's jaw dropped. "That's...the Apple Family..."

The chairpony nodded miserably. "The Apple Family, guilty of over a hundred class-A criminal offenses."

"But they're supposed to be in the stockade!" Twilight exclaimed. "What the hay are they doing HERE?!"

"Ah..heheh...funny story there..." the chairpony said nervously, ears twitching.

"Oooh, I love funny stories!" Pinkie exclaimed happily.

The ground shook again.

"...this isn't gonna be the 'haha' kind of funny story, is it?" Pinkie asked, ears drooping.

Twilight facehoofed.

A filly suddenly ran up to them, curly mane bouncing. "We caught her! We caught Dath the Thtampede!"

The pegasus looked around at the waitresses, cooks, fillies, and colts surrounding her. The mares all had guns or other weapons readied.

She sighed. "Why?" she whispered hoarsely.

"I'm...I'm sorry," the waitress said, her gun trembling. "But...for the good of this town...it's so our children can survive...for them, you have to...you have to..."

"For the good of your children?" the blue mare asked quietly. "So you're going to murder somepony in cold blood right in front of them? And that's good for them?"

The waitress' eyes widened. She looked nervously around at the wide-eyed fillies and colts watching the tableau. Her gun nearly fell to the floor. "But...but...no...we have to..."

"The pony you want to kill is a legendary outlaw with a sixty billion bit bounty, right?" the pegasus asked.

"Y-yes..."

The waitress' eyes met the solemn rose-colored eyes of the blue mare, who nodded grimly. "Then I won't stop searching until I find such a pony, and I promise...I promise that with these four hooves, I will bring that pony to justice, and the bounty will be yours!" She posed impressively on her rear hooves, wings flared to their fullest extent, right front hoof raised in a salute. Then, she smiled softly, sadly, and said in a quiet, pleading voice, "So please...for the love of Celestia...Drop. Your. Gun."

She waited. The waitress stared at her, lip quivering. The children watched, anxious.

A hammer clicked...

The front wall of the building collapsed.

"NO!" The curly-maned filly cried. "My mom wath in there! And my auntie! And--"

The chairpony leapt onto the table, scattering documents everywhere, and snatched Twilight's megaphone. "APPLE FAMILY! YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR! I DEMAND YOU RETURN TO THE STOCKADE IMMEDIATELY!"

"That ain't gonna happen!" the little yellow filly yelled back. "Dash th' Stampede is right here in this here town, an' me an' mah big brother aim t' claim that there bounty!"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" the chairpony cried. "That wasn't the agreement--!"

"AGREEMENT?!" Twilight snapped, rounding sharply on the stallion, who flinched away from her.

"Saaaaay," Pinkie said, head tilted curiously. "You didn't happen to do something silly like let those two outta the stockade, did you?"

"Of--of course not! Don't be ridiculous!" the chairpony replied, laughing nervously. He coughed, and muttered, "We just...er...sort of told all the guards to take the day off, and, well..."

Twilight facehoofed. "Apple Bloom and Big Macintosh, two of the most dangerous criminals in this area...you were planning to turn them loose on Dash the Stampede, weren't you?"

"Uh...well..."

"GIVE ME THAT!" Twilight roared. She retrieved her megaphone. "APPLE FAMILY! You're supposed to be serving six consecutive life sentences in the stockade for numerous criminal offenses! You MUST surrender yourselves and return--"

"SHUT YER YAP!" Apple Bloom retorted. "We ain't goin' back t' no stockade, an' that's that!" Turning her back on Twilight, she shouted at the pile of debris that was formerly a family diner. "GIT YER RUMP OUTTA THERE, DASH TH' STAMPEDE!"

The wind whistled, scattering sand and dust. Everypony watched, waiting.

Slowly, a blue pegasus mare with a rainbow-hued mane emerged from the wreckage, carrying another mare on her back. Both were covered in dust and grime. The eyes of the pegasus were grim; her mouth was set in a grave frown.

She gently bore the mare to the other side of the town square, where she laid her gently on the ground. She turned and trotted back into the wreckage, emerging a moment later with a colt with at least one broken leg.

The townsponies, the Apples, Pinkie, and Twilight watched as the pegasus removed several unconscious ponies from the ruined diner. *Her...? What...what's she doing here?* Twilight wondered.

"GONNA IGNORE ME, ARE YA?" Apple Bloom shouted, hopping up and down on the giant red stallion's back. "WELL THEN, HOW ABOUT THIS? GIT 'ER, BIG MAC!"

"EEYUP," the stallion bellowed. He turned his back on the wrecked diner, into which the pegasus had just gone. His head swivelled around on his neck until it was facing the same direction as his rump. He raised one massive hindleg. The gleaming, steel-shod hoof began to spin. Suddenly, it launched out at blinding speed, attached to a thick steel cable. Twilight gasped as the massive metal hoof slammed into the wreckage, further violating the structure. The roof completely collapsed; with a resounding crash, the diner caved in on itself, raising a tremendous cloud of dust.

A bright streak of rainbow erupted from the collapsing diner.

Big Macintosh withdrew his hoof. Across the surface of the hoof, written in hot sauce, were the words:

A glass bottle rolled out of the dust, rattling across the sandy street as it clattered to a stop at the hooves of the massive stallion.

"So, y'finally decided t' stop horsin' around...Dash th' Stampede?" the obnoxious yellow filly asked.

Twilight watched the dust cloud with wide, alert eyes. Her mind whirled.

*That's her...the Devil's Right Hoof, the pony with a bounty of sixty billion bits, dead or alive...the monster who destroys entire cities if you make her mad...*

The dust began to clear, and the silhouette of a pegasus, wings beating slowly in the air, was just barely visible.

*Right there, in front of me...finally...the legendary gunpony, the Equine Typhoon...*

The tail of a red longcoat peeked through the settling dust.

*The pony who reduced a city of over a million ponies to rubble in a single instant...Dash the Stampede...is just over there...!*

The silhouette emerged from the dustcloud.

Long red coat, flapping in the light breeze.

Cyan wings flared to their full extent.

Rainbow-colored mane caked with dirt.

Magenta eyes narrowed.

One forehoof bare, the other shod in leather and metal.

*Wait a minute...*

"See, Twilight? I told you it was her!"

*This...this isn't right...*

The pegasus gently lifted one of the ponies lying unconscious in the rubble, and carried her over to lay beside the other victims she had already retrieved.

*This...no. Dash the Stampede is a violent criminal, a ruthless...*

"Well, ain't you th' sweetheart?" Apple Bloom jeered.

The pegasus ignored her, continuing to remove the unconscious townsponies from the rubble of the Apples' attack and move them carefully out of harm's way.

"It...it can't be..." Twilight whispered, eyes wide.

As the blue mare lifted one final victim out of the rubble, Apple Bloom gestured to her brother. The massive, iron-shod red hoof raised and launched out again, the steel cable connected to the massive system of pullies and belts snapping taut as the prosthetic limb streaked through the air, impacting the rubble pile...

A rainbow streak peeled away from the rubble a split second before the impact.

When the dust settled again, the rainbow-maned pegasus stood atop the rubble pile, wings flared, positioned defensively in front of an unconscious filly. Her eyes narrowed dangerously.

"It...really is her..." Twilight breathed in wonder.

The pegasus reached into a pocket of her coat, extracted a pair of orange-tinted glasses, and flipped them onto her face with a look of determination.

And then...

Dash the Stampede drew her revolver.

"So, you're finally ready ta fight?" Apple Bloom jeered. "Well, Ah'm tellin' ya right now, Dash, you ain't gonna stop mah big bro from buckin' ya clear to th' fifth moon with that dinky little gun!" She paused to pull a large carrot from her brother's saddlebag, then stuck one end of it in her mouth; she produced a blowtorch and began roasting the other end. "Big Mac, give 'er a taste of our special Apple Family cider!"

"EEYUP!" The stallion's hoof began to whine and spin again...and he shifted to point it at the survivors from the diner.

"NO!" Dash cried, wings bristling.

Pinkie gasped. "Those ponies...!"

"MASH 'EM GOOD!" Apple Bloom cackled.

The immense steel hoof launched forward. The few of the injured ponies who had regained consciousness whinnied in alarm and tried to scramble to their hooves. The others lay there, unaware of the terrible fate awaiting them...

Gunshots cracked the air in rapid succession, echoing like summer thunder.

The hoof spun out of control, crashing harmlessly into the already-wrecked diner.

"WH-WHAT?!" Apple Bloom shrieked.

Twilight gasped. "Amazing! She...she actually did it!"

Dash glared at the yellow filly, eyes narrowed behind her orange glasses. "Knock it off," she snarled. "These people ain't done nothin' to you! If it's me you want, then let's fight fair and square!"

Apple Bloom stared at the long steel cable which lay limp on the ground, and the huge hoof which was still embedded in the rubble. "You...you couldn'ta...not with just six little bullets...! Nopony coulda shot mah big brother's hoof outta th' air with just six little bullets!"

"Gee, where'd you learn to count?" Dash retorted with a smirk. "I only fired five shots." She flipped the cylinder out of her revolver, ejecting five spent cartridges. "I've still got one left." She spun the cylinder, then snapped it back into the gun. "Might be my special one."

She aimed, and fired her last bullet.

It tore deep into the inner mechanism of Big Macintosh's prosthetic hoof. The red stallion bellowed in pain and fell over on his side. Apple Bloom leapt clear in alarm as her brother landed on the street with a crash that shook the entire square.

"Big Mac! Git up, ya lazy, stupid, clumsy oaf!"

"NNNNOPE!" Big Mac bellowed, sobbing.

In a rainbow streak, Dash the Stampede was nose-to-nose with the yellow filly. "So, we done here?"

Apple Bloom pulled a slender pistol out of her own saddlebag and tried to aim it at Dash. It trembled violently.

"Guess not," Dash sighed. Suddenly, a blue plastic pistol was in her mouth, and six sucker darts were plastered to Apple Bloom's face. The filly's gun fell to the ground.

Grinning, Dash tossed the toy gun back to Twist. "Hey, thanks. That's two I owe you for now."

Twilight stared, mane in disarray, left eye and right ear twitching, as Dash and Twist began romping playfully in the dust around the cowering escaped convict and her moaning, sobbing brother.

"It...it really is her...she really is...Dash the Stampede..."

Pinkie trotted over to the unicorn, a roll of parchment and a quill in her mouth. "Umm...Twilight? You need to write the company report..."

Mechanically, Twilight took the parchment and quill with her magic and began to write, talking aloud as she did so.

"Barnyardelli Insurance Society company report, Twilight Sparkle reporting. Four months, seven days after receiving our assignment, we have established contact with the target, the outlaw known as...

"Established contact with the target, the outlaw known as...

"The outlaw known as...Dash the Stampede..."

Twilight threw back her head and screamed. "WHY THE HAY DOES IT HAVE TO BE HER?!"

The past...it can be cruel.

The past...it doesn't remain buried.

The past...it carries forward into the future, dictating the course of our lives, dictating our actions.

The past...no matter what we do, it can never be changed.

The next chapter of Skygun, "Forsaken Faust", is gonna be 20% darker...