A low rumble of thunder rolled overhead, carrying on and on as seconds passed. There was no lightning that she could see accompanying that rumble, just the sound. She felt the vibrations inside her body, rumbling in her chest. The rumble carried on, stuttering, cracking, but continuing. Gradually, the rumble stilled, then went silent.
The pitter-patter of rain splattering the ground continued in the absence of the rumble. It was a steady pitter-patter brought on by a gentle spring shower. The shower wasn't enough to ruin the day, but it did make it a lazy day. It kept ponies inside, out of the rain. It was the sort of day where ponies would wake up and instinctively know it was raining, and because they knew that, they wanted nothing more than to lay in bed all day, in a blissful, half-awake state.
It was a Sunday. Most ponies had today off, with the exception of those who couldn't have the day off because their jobs had to continue. The weather pegasi, for one. At least those pegasi tending to the shower. But they were paid well for working on a Sunday. Most other ponies, since they didn't have to do anything job-related, and since foals had no school today, would stay home to avoid the shower.
The road before her was drenched in water, broken by the occasional standing pool that, when she watched, she saw each rain drop hit, sending ripples out, never clearing to allow an undistorted reflection of the sky above. But it wasn't stormy, the ripples weren't aggressive, the wind didn't howl, the rain didn't hammer her back. The raindrops fell. There was no feeling to them. They weren't alive. It didn't matter what was going on in the world. The rain didn't feel any of it. The rain just came down in a gentle shower, just enough to keep ponies off the street.
And so she was alone as she walked the deserted cobblestone streets. Nopony to run into, nopony to break her stupor. It was like a dream. The shower was almost like the fog that clouded her dulled mind.
The shower had soaked her coat. Her mane and tail clung to her body. Her feathers were waterlogged. But she walked on. She was aware that it was raining, but only just. With each step, she heard the click of her bare hoof touching the stone. With each step, she carried herself along. No destination in mind. She walked on instinct. Her hooves carried her through the rain without any thought.
Another rumble of thunder came from overhead, carrying on and on, on and on, echoing throughout the city. She felt the vibration in her chest. She heard the rattle of windows.
She stopped. She stood there, feeling the rain coming down, splashing her coat, causing little rivers to roll down her body. Some of the rain washed down her legs, other droplets gathered on her fur, then dripped down onto the street, joining the rest of its companions.
She inhaled, then exhaled. She smelled the scent of the rain. It was like a distant memory she could barely recall. She could see her misty breath as she exhaled. She watched the cloud of mist as it expanded and disappear, mixing in with the rest of the air to be lost in with the rain. And when the cloud was gone, hardly a memory of it remained. She wasn't sure it had happened. Inhale, exhale. Another cloud of misty breath, expanding and disappearing.
It wasn't that cold, but she still felt the cool of the air on her coat. The cold had seeped into her skin, seeped into her bones, seeped into her core. She felt a numbness in her core. An emptiness. Something was missing. But she didn't know what was missing. No thoughts came to mind. There was nothing to think about.
She licked her lips and her eyes jumped up towards the sky. The clouds rested above lazily, churning, yet clinging to the whole mass, unwilling to move on. She could see the thin, wispy gray clouds near the base shifting, churning, growing together. She could see the thicker, darker layer of clouds above that, blanketing the city, hanging there just out of reach.
It was overcast. She couldn't see the sun. Even if she knew it was up there somewhere, just hiding behind that cloud layer, the sun was out of sight, leaving the skies gray. She didn't feel the warmth that some part of her was vaguely aware that the sun gave. The warmth didn't penetrate those clouds. Her back was numb.
Her eyes fell back down, falling onto one of the structures lining the street. Her muzzle fell, inch by inch, until once again, her gaze rested on the imperfect cobblestone street she trod. Water trickled through the spaces between each stone, but it was lost on her.
The low, crackling rumble of thunder sounded again. A gust of wind came, not much, but she felt the coldness it brought, washing over her coat. She didn't shiver. Her tail swayed behind her with the wind, then her mane lifted from her neck. Her neck felt the chill of the air. She felt the raindrops striking her neck. The gust stopped. Her mane and tail fell back into place. Her neck felt colder.
She swallowed, then ran her tongue over her lips. She tasted the rainwater on her lips. Cold and wet, untainted by any imperfections. She brought her tongue back into her mouth.
More rain washed over her body. More rain trickled down her muzzle. She felt drops grow on her upper lip, then drip down onto her lower lip and roll down her chin before dripping off to the street beneath her.
Heat mixed in with the rain that rolled down her cheeks. It tickled. She blinked and looked down the street. Everything had a whitened, blurred appearance. The rain wasn't that heavy, but the effects of the shower could still be seen. Rain splattered canvas that protected the entrances to buildings. Wind made the canvas ripple back and forth, like a pegasus's wing drifting through water, flicking water up into the air and throwing it down onto the street.
The buildings furthest away were hard to see. Her eyes jumped left, then right. Nopony else was around. She was alone.
Her gaze drifted back down onto the street before her. Just a few steps and she passed that spot. The cobblestone grew blurry. The puddles grew even blurrier; she couldn't see the distorted, rippled reflection of the cloudy sky. Warm raindrops rolled down her cheeks, joining the cold ones, if only for a time before the warmth faded.
She felt and heard the puddles of cold water when she stepped into them. The cold water clung to her hooves, and every time she raised a hoof for a step, she felt the chill of the air, that much stronger.
Her eyes looked up and to the right as her hooves carried her on. She passed by a window, and inside, she could see somepony standing behind a counter, wearing a smile. It was a kind smile. The pony didn't see her. She walked on, and her eyes fell back on the cobblestone street.
She felt cold. She felt numb. An emptiness, a hollowness, all throughout her body. She felt dissociated from her body. Was she actually there? Or was it just a dream? Was she just imagining this? Or was this just a memory? There was nothing here for her, walking these deserted streets. But some distant feeling, something that she wasn't even sure she felt, kept her moving.
A thought occurred to her, whispered in her mind so softly, she wasn't sure she heard it, 'What am I doing?' She stopped, and her eyes jumped up. She looked at the building at the end of the street. She still couldn't make it out for the shower.
'Where am I?' whispered in her mind.
She turned her head to the left, looking over the buildings. She saw them, she took them in, but recognition past her by. Marble walls, gilded edges. Purple and gold were strong themes. She turned her head further left and looked back behind her. Tall walls, spires stretching into the sky. It was a castle of some kind. Even in the rain, she couldn't mistake it for anything else.
'Where am I?' whispered again, this time unheard over the murmur of the shower.
Looking back at that castle, she felt some vague sense of familiarity. She knew that castle. She knew that she knew it. She felt that she knew it. But recognition escaped her. She felt a draw towards that castle; looking at it, she felt pulled. Pulled towards some feeling deep in her chest, something else besides the numbness, more than the foggy sluggishness clouding her mind. There was some distant feeling of a desire to turn back and face that castle.
Comfort. Looking at that castle, she felt some sense of comfort. She recognized that castle. She knew she did. But looking at it, nothing came to mind.
Memories played out before her mind's eye. A tall white pony, smiling gently at her. She felt reassured. She felt comforted. She felt a sense of being home.
Thunder rumbled overhead again, and just like that, the memory faded, forgotten. She blinked and watched the castle. It was so still, even through the shower.
Her head lowered. Her eyes dropped back to the water-washed streets. The rocks glistened from the water.
Another gust of wind blew by. She felt the cold water splatter her face from a new angle, then roll down her cheeks and drip off onto the street.
But she was already soaked, and as soon as those droplets dripped back to the ground, they were forgotten about. Only the fresh coldness remained to hint that something had happened.
She lifted her head again, then saw the top of a mountain rising so nearby. She knew that mountain. She knew where she was.
'Canterlot...'
What was Canterlot? Where was Canterlot?
Her eyes leveled on the building across the street from her. Her eyes darted left, then back right, jumping across the marble wall. Each time her eyes left the last spot, she forgot that it even existed. No memory remained of even looking there.
'Canterlot.' When she thought the word, she felt some distant sense of familiarity, a vague sense of fondness. There was something familiar with that name. 'Canterlot...' It felt important. But recognition escaped her.
Her head drifted straight ahead once more. She lifted her right forehoof, and her forehoof carried her on. Her steps were forgotten about as if they had never happened, forgotten just like the thoughts that came before.
That building at the end of the street came into focus. She stopped in front of it. There was a sign over the door. She couldn't read it. She looked at each letter, her eyes tracing over the outlines. But as soon as she looked at the next letter, the last was forgotten.
Recognition escaped her.
She inhaled, then exhaled. The vapor of her breath steamed in the air then disappeared.
She turned, then walked forward again. Immediately, she forgot whether she had turned left or right. Immediately, her previous step was forgotten. Immediately, the memory of seeing her breath was gone.
Another rattle of thunder echoed across the sky. She stopped and looked up, taking in those thin, wispy clouds as they wafted across the sky together, just below the thick, unmoving blanket of clouds above.
Somewhere beyond those clouds, she knew that there was something. Something warm and comforting. Something bright and cheerful. Something that wasn't so dim. It wasn't thick, it wasn't dreary. It wasn't gray, no, it was some bright, warm color.
She vaguely remembered looking up and seeing a different color. It wasn't dull like the clouds. It was something else, so much more comforting, something so much brighter. The color, whatever it was, was the antithesis to the dullness. But she only vaguely remembered some feeling of a different color being there. She couldn't picture it. She couldn't grasp it. She couldn't name it. She couldn't remember when she had seen it. She wasn't sure if she had seen it.
'Where am I?' whispered in her mind again, only for her to immediately forget about it. Only the vague sense of hearing something remained, the vague sense of knowing that something had been said. The vague sense that something had happened, but only knowing that vague sense.
She turned again. She didn't remember reaching a corner. She didn't remember walking that far.
She felt the coldness in her legs. She felt each step, but it was a vague, distant feeling. She was aware she was walking, but it didn't register in her mind. It didn't register that she was moving, that she had moved, and that she was going somewhere.
The rain picked up. The shower was still gentle, but more forceful. The shower made its presence known, coming down and down and down. She felt the rain sting her back. She felt the water roll down her body, roll down her legs, roll down her neck. She felt the tickle of the raindrops dripping off her chest, dripping off her chin.
Her mane and tail clung to her body. It was the only distant sense of warmth she could feel, where her mane and tail covered.
She stopped, then lifted her gaze back up and saw the buildings around her, but as soon as her gaze slipped onto the next building, the last was forgotten, leaving behind only an impression that she had seen something else before.
She turned around, facing where her back had been. She turned around again, completing the circle. The whole while, her eyes drifted over her empty surroundings.
There was nothing there for her. Not a single pony. Just the hard marble, just the callous, uncaring rain.
Something was missing. But it was only the feeling of something missing. Deep down, she felt it. Something that wasn't right. Something that shouldn't have been. It registered, and she knew something was missing. But she couldn't comprehend what it was, only that there was something missing. An impression of wrongness.
Alone. She felt alone. Loneliness, slowly creeping out from her chest. It crawled down her legs. It was an old friend of her numbness, right there, never to leave. The feelings always welcomed one another.
She exhaled. Her breath misted and disappeared in the rain. She inhaled, then exhaled again. Her breath misted and was gone, like the vapor that it was.
Her hooves carried her onward. She didn't know where she was going. She didn't know where she had been. She didn't know where she was. She didn't even know if she was moving. There was just that distant impression that she was walking. She could hear her hoofsteps, but the clicking didn't register as her own movement.
It all passed in a blur, and then it was over. Barely a trace of a memory of walking remained, only the feeling that she had been somewhere else, that she had seen something else. An impression that something had happened. She found herself in a park, standing on a concrete sidewalk. To her right, there was a bench, sitting beneath a tree.
She heard the rain falling on the leaves, that gentle, relaxing rustle that threatened to lull her to sleep.
On instinct, she turned, then sat down. She felt those small, cold pools of water on her haunches, then it was gone, and then it was forgotten.
She stared ahead, and looking ahead, there was a field of grass, broken by trees and flowers, but even the flowers were so dull in the shower. The petals were all beaten down, dropping from the force of the raindrops. Instead of the petals reaching for the sun that she knew was somewhere beyond that impenetrable layer of clouds, the flowers all fell towards the ground.
There was nothing for them to reach for. It was a lost cause.
Inhale, exhale.
Rain dripped down from the tree, still landing on her, leaving her perpetually soaked. It didn't register. She was somewhat aware that water was falling on her, but she didn't feel it.
She stared ahead. Through the rain, she could barely make something out. Stone? Marble? A statue? It was something. For the briefest moment, there was a flicker of recognition in her eyes: a spark. She felt something stir inside of her, some sense of energy, some awakening. And just as soon as it came, it was gone, and all that remained was the feeling that something had happened, the feeling that there was something missing, the feeling that she felt some sense of familiarity.
That sense of recognition left her feeling a shaking in her core, a trembling. Anxiety. She didn't want to look at what she couldn't stop staring at.
A monument, that's what it was.
Her chest tightened. The tension was like having heavy chains wrapped around her, then pulled tight, but it came from inside of her body. Everything, it all just felt tight, constricting.
Her eyes felt warm. The downpour of rain blurred and fractured in her vision. She could still see that monument. Warmer raindrops rolled down her cheeks, cooling in the unforgiving air before falling off her body and dripping onto the ground.
'Twilight!'
Recognition. Her eyes focused on the monument. She heard something.
'Twilight!' it repeated.
She recognized it. Somehow, she recognized it. She knew it. She felt that she knew it, she knew that she knew it. That voice. It was familiar, but whose voice was it? Whose had it been?
Names came to mind, one after another, 'Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Shining Armor, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Spike.'
'Twilight!' repeated, screamed out in pain. She felt a rush of energy in her chest. That energy twisted in on itself. Agonizing pain; her body felt like it was trying to rip itself apart. Her stomach churned, her gut twisted. She felt sick.
'Twilight!' the scream was all too real. She could hear that voice. She recognized it. It was familiar. She knew that voice.
The memory came back. She felt the coldness of the air, the coldness of the rain. She felt the cold. It felt so foreign, so alien. It wasn't a part of her, but it clung to her. She felt her heart jump into her throat. Her throat tightened into a knot. Her stomach dropped out from under her. The blurred monument shattered into pieces, so distorted by her blurred eyes.
A sharp, high pitched whimper went unheard over the raindrops falling on the leaves.
She clamped her eyes shut. Her head went limp and rested against her chest. She still saw the monument. The memory wouldn't fade.
'Twilight!' screamed out again. Then another scream, one so different from the first. A scream that should have been happy, but it was all so twisted. It twisted in her gut, stabbing her, cutting her to pieces, shredding her.
She inhaled, or she tried to. Her body shook. Her legs trembled. She hiccuped from trying to inhale. Her body didn't want to. She overcame it, somehow.
She whimpered again, and her breath steamed in the air, though it went unseen. And the cloud of her breath disappeared just as quickly as it formed.
Just as quickly as it had happened.
Clicking of hooves. She heard the sound of hooves clicking on the concrete sidewalk. No, the sound of metal clicking on the concrete.
She barely found the strength to lift her head up. She cracked open her eyes. A tall pony walked towards her, though the mare refused to meet her eyes. Her white coat was soaked and matted down. Her mane laid limply on her neck as water rolled down it. Her waterlogged tail dragged over the sidewalk. She stared, her lower lip trembling.
She turned her head up to keep watching as the pony came to a stop on the sidewalk, just beside her. For a moment, the pony did nothing except stare at the ground. Then, she opened her mouth. But as soon as she had, the words fled, and she had nothing to say.
The pony turned her head and looked at the monument.
The pony looked back at her. In her eyes, she saw resignation, acceptance of something that couldn't be changed. Acceptance of something that shouldn't have been. Pain. Remorse. Defeat. And immediately, the pony looked away from her, then turned towards the monument, and sat down beside her without so much as a word.
She let her head go limp again and found herself staring at the concrete.
Time past. The rain continued. Thunder rumbled overhead. The coldness remained. But at least the screaming didn't repeat.
"I'm sorry," was eventually said. The comfort and reassurance her voice normally had were nowhere to be felt. The voice was barely a whisper, so broken.
There was nothing else to say. There was nothing else that could be said. The pony stood up, then walked away.
But then the clicking of metal on concrete stopped and more was said, "Don't blame her."
She lifted her head back up, then turned to face the mare, who looked back at her with a somber expression. "It wasn't her fault. It wasn't your fault." And then she was gone, just like her memory, just like her breath.
'Twilight!' screamed out again. She clenched her eyes shut and bared her teeth. It was a scream that haunted her dreams.
In an instant, the park was forgotten. It was gone. She was back there again, that accursed memory. And she knew it, and it petrified her in fear. The coldness from the rain was nothing compared to the ice that now coursed through her veins, the ice that froze her heart.
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move, so terrified was she. And everything played out before her eyes.
And there wasn't a thing she could do about it.
She was powerless. It was just a memory. Something that had already happened. Nothing could change what happened. She was there. She knew what happened. She had seen it when it happened. And she felt terrified to see those events play out before her eyes again. As if her dreams every night weren't enough.
She heard the screams, she heard it all. It was supposed to be happy. It was supposed to be one of the best days of her life. It was beyond a doubt the worst day of her life.
'Twilight!' the scream paralyzed her. She trembled. She saw the look on her face, she saw it all. She knew what was happening, she knew what had gone wrong. She had realized what was going wrong. But she couldn't stop it. There was nothing that could be done. She couldn't act fast enough. She was paralyzed by fear. It was going wrong too fast.
'Twilight!' screamed again.
"Twilight."
She jerked at the sound of the voice. The memory was gone. She exhaled, then inhaled. Exhaled again, then inhaled again. Fear. She felt fear. That voice had been real. She blinked. Her trembling faded. She lifted her head up and turned to the left.
Princess Luna stood there now. Even she wasn't immune to what had happened, what plagued and haunted her. Luna hadn't been there, but Luna had seen her dreams. Her nightmares. Luna was tired. Her wings sagged, her body drooped, reaching towards the ground. Her mane and tail flew without their normal grace, and even the pouring rain had no effect on her.
She didn't know how long past as the two of them stared at each other. Luna eventually broke the silence, "Come back with me. You should not be out here in the rain. It is not good for your health."
She looked away from Luna. She hadn't meant to, but her gaze fell back on that monument. She felt numb again. Why did that monument exist? What gave them the right to do such a thing? Equestria mourned, but Equestria wasn't there. Equestria didn't see what she had seen.
Equestria didn't feel what she felt.
She inhaled, then exhaled.
"I know you are hurting, Twilight," Luna said. "But this will not help."
She stayed silent. There was nothing for her to say. How could she speak?
The silence drew out even longer. She heard Luna inhale, then exhale. "She misses you, Twilight. Do not do this to her."
She turned to face Luna. Luna looked at her solemnly. She still had nothing to say, but she couldn't keep looking at Luna and seeing her look at her in such a way. She looked back down at the concrete sidewalk.
"If you will not come back with me, then I will tell her where you are," Luna threatened.
She swallowed, then licked her lips. She tasted the cold rainwater once more. For the briefest moment, she had the vague impression that her lips lifted up into a smile, that her lips had pulled back, but it passed so quickly she was sure it didn't happen. "By the time... By the time you find her, by the time you tell her, and by the time she gets here," she said, "I won't be here."
Thunder rumbled overhead, drawing out, carrying on and on, on and on. Seconds passed before the rumbling stilled.
"But that is your choice. You can change that," Luna said. "Do not abandon her so. This is just as hard on her as it is for you, if not more so. You weren't the one..." It felt like even the rain stopped in the silence that followed, even if she still saw it crashing down into the ground in sheets.
She inhaled, then exhaled. Seconds drew on, and there was nothing more for her to say.
"So be it," Luna said.
With that, she heard the click of Luna's shoes on the concrete. With each step, it grew more distant until the sound of the rain drowned it out.
She inhaled, then exhaled.
The numbness returned. The memory of ponies visiting her, it just faded. It faded until she only felt the sense that somepony had talked to her. It faded until she only felt the distant feeling that she had spoken something. Just an impression, all cloudy, like the sky above her.
Her eyes drifted back to that accursed monument.
She felt a spark inside her. It was a spark of anger. She wanted to destroy that accursed monument. There was no reason it should have been allowed to stand. There was no reason Equestria should have had something like that. It made her burn with anger. In her core, she felt fire.
But she still felt too numb to act on it. Her limbs were distant. She couldn't remember any spells. She wanted to destroy the monument, but it was impossible for her to do so. She had no way of doing it. She was only vaguely aware of having the power to do it. Whenever she thought she remembered a spell that would do what she needed, she grasped for it, only for it to break apart into trillions upon trillions of pieces.
It was like Spike trying to pick up a claw full of fine, dry sand. It fell right through the cracks, and then it was forgotten.
She heard the click of hoofsteps. No shoes, nor boots. Bare hooves, clacking against the concrete. Each step was so slow, so drawn out, so hesitant. With every pause, she felt certain that the next click wouldn't come, that she wouldn't hear her retreat over the murmur of the rain.
But they kept coming, slowly approaching her. And she felt fear. Each click of a hoof against the wet concrete sent a wave of panic through her. Her heart raced. She trembled.
The steps stopped. "Hey..."
She clenched her eyes shut. Her lips wobbled and trembled. She felt warmth roll down her face. "H-hey," she croaked out.
She didn't hear it, but she felt the wooden bench shift as more weight was added to it. She felt the warmth of another body, soaked though it was, press up against her side. Then, she felt a soaked wing wrap around her back, blocking the downpour of water. She felt, even with the cold water, the warmth of that pony's wing.
It was an unassuming warmth, one that asked for nothing in return.
And she cried.
It took nothing, not even the barest amount of coaxing, let alone force, and her marefriend's wing pulled her close, hugging her, squeezing her. She wasn't even sure if her marefriend had pulled, or if she had fallen.
She turned to her marefriend, then pressed her forehead into her shoulder. "I-I'm sorry!" she wailed.
That soaked wing brushed up her back, then back down before squeezing her wing. The fogginess and numbness receded. She felt her marefriend's warmth. "It's okay... it's not... it wasn't your fault..."
She still whimpered.
Author's Note
I wrote this to experiment with writing something new/different than what I normally write. I don't really have experience with this sort of writing style, so it's something new for me.
How did I do?
