Wheel Me Right Round, Baby Right Round

by Greyson

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Self Insert, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 7544

One does not simply walk into Mordor. That's fine though, as I'm neither walking into Mordor nor am I walking.

Once upon a time, I, Alexander Ian Greyson, lived on a world called Earth. More accurately, rolling myself around in a fine little town somewhere in the N.W of England with an absolute lad of a roommate named Jordan. Love the madman. I wonder how he's doing these days? He'd best be keeping my bloody room in top shape. Not that I'd know if he was or not.

I mean, I've not seem him for what, a few years now?

Hey, it's not my fault I got my sorry crippled arse flung headfirst into Wonderland itself... Actually, maybe it was. Who knows? I sure don't. At least I've still got my trusty wheelchair with me. Ah, good ol' Owen Wheelson, always with me every step of the way. Ha.

(A story written for no other reason other than boredom and/or drunkenness, starring a sarky wheelchair-bound Brit. Also, possible romance, some definite dark humour and a whole load o' wheel puns/jokes abound. Please don't get offended over anything in the story, 'tis merely for humour.)

Published 2019-01-07 17:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-11 00:36:29 UTC

Wheel How About That?

A Journey Of a Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step... Oh Wait!

Well here we go, I guess. That lovely little lavender librarian has been bugging me nonstop over the past few weeks to write some sort of diary or some shit about my experiences. Something about how it could help me in the future or something. I wasn't really listening to be honest. Not my fault that she just goes on and on and on. Still, she did make some good points. Maybe it would be nice to do something other than sit about. Not like I've much else to do other than that anyway, huh?

Well, if I'm going to do this then I guess I should go from the beginning. Or, at least, go from what I at least remember to be the beginning anyway. Yet again, I've not much choice in that regard, seeing as how I seem to suffer from a chronic case of I-can't-fucking-remember-fuck-allitis. It's a rare condition, y'know? It's the only thing that runs in my family. Get it? Runs?

Oh I'm just horrible.

Who knows, maybe if this writing and stuff goes well I could probably publish it or something. Make a whole load o'bits from it. Could give Daring a run for top book sales. Then again, would many people believe me if I wrote about a guy in a wheelchair who goes around fighting dragons, Gods and the undying love and admiration of all those who know him?

Maybe. Maybe not. Let's find out, eh?

Opening my eyes, I found myself in a position all to familiar. Flat out on the ground, covered in bruises and the sun in my eyes. Fortunately for me though, there were no bruises or incapacitating headaches this time, and the sun wasn't out and about tonight. I was still on the floor though, so perhaps I wasn't that far off the mark. Pushing myself up into a sitting position, a quick scan of my surrounding left me slightly disturbed, noting that I was neither at a pub nor my home. Wiping the remaining blades of grass from my face, I turned to my wheelchair, positioned rather conveniently to my side. 'How you doing today, Owen?'

It wasn't the most impressive of wheelchairs. I had never really cared to get too knowledgeable about its design, only wanting to know that it did its job and that it did it well. It does, and that was enough for me. I could perform some rather stylish 360's and wheelies if I both tried and/or didn't fear further paralysis. After a few seconds inspecting it outwardly, checking that there were no obvious damages, I clambered aboard.

After a few more basic inspections, I was satisfied. 'Now onto more pressing matters, eh Alex? Such as; where in the hell we are for example?' Now, as talented as I am in many things, basic geography was unfortunately not one of them. To me, it looked as if I was just in the middle of a forest. Sure, there were a few forests around in the area I lived, but this didn't exactly look like one of them. For a start, there were some weird ass looking mushrooms growing just a few metres away. They didn't exactly look natural to me. Neither did the local fauna for that matter.

Making a mental note to avoid the everlasting shit out of the suspicious fauna as best I could, I began to wheel myself towards the nearest exit. Thankfully I seemed to have found myself passed out on some sort of path or road, so that made movement easier at the very least. The last thing I'd need whilst lost in the woods would be for my only real mode of transport to get bogged down. That would suck very bloody hard.

As I was moving, I began to think back onto my actions the previous night. It took me a good minute until I realised that I genuinely couldn't remember. 'How much did I drink last night? Must've been a good party or something, bloody well gotten myself lost in some weird fuck-off forest and given myself amnesia. Quality.' I was so lost in thought that I almost missed the cottage ahead of me. Seeing it come into view, I couldn't help but let out a little cheer of relief. 'Well thank God for that, civilisation. Maybe they can give me some directions? Or at least a drink? Hopefully both.

It was a slight struggle to get over the small hill that stretched over a stream, but like the unbending hero that I was, I managed it. After one or two failed attempts which almost led to a bath that is. Nevertheless, I got over it in the end, and I carried on towards the rather cosy looking cottage ahead. Reaching the front door, I made myself look as presentable as I could and proceeded to knock. And again. 'Third time's a charm?... Guess not. Sick.'

Receiving no answer after the third knock, I deduced that perhaps the residents weren't home today. Sherlock'ing aside, I now had three options. Either A) Wait here outside of a cottage until the occupants returned, B) Break in and use it for shelter because it was actually getting kinda dark and I didn't value lounging around in this forest after dark. Self preservation ho! Or C) Follow the path a bit deeper into the ominous definitely-not-lethal forest of pure delight and fun times. 'Eeny Meeny Miney... Fuck it, that one.' Turning away from the cottage, I continued down the path. 'Maybe I'll find a house that's actually got someone living in it. Wouldn't that be a shocker.'

Also, to those who placed bets on Option C, please collect your winnings from your nearest Paddy Power.

Having expected the journey to escape from the forest to last longer than it would, I found myself pleasantly surprised when I saw the trees receding, giving way to a lovely little exit with which I could get outta dodge. 'Oh hello salvation, how are you today?' Continuing along the path, it wasn't long until, with a victorious smile upon my face, I found myself looking upon something that widened my smile even more. 'Ooh, a farm? Farm means people and food, a win-win for me right now.'

Indeed, I had in fact found a farm. I didn't exactly want to be outside for another night. Hypothermia and/or a mugging were not exactly a combination I felt comfortable with, so hopefully whoever lived here would be able to either give me a room to sleep in, or at least point me towards the nearest B'n'B. Wheeling myself up to the gate and, keeping an eye out for any angry old farmers with D.B shotguns wanting me off of their lawn, I push it open, thankful that it wasn't locked at all. It wouldn't exactly have been easy for me to reach over and unlatch anything. Because, you know, paralysis.

Unfortunately for me, I almost deafen myself in the process. 'Fucking hell, someone needs to oil this before I lose my hearing as well!' A moment later I could hear a door slam open. Turning towards the farmhouse, I was unable to make out any outlines of a person, yet I could definitely see a light moving towards me now. Deciding that it would probably be best to stay where I was in case they believed me to be some sort of paraplegic thief, I awaited the arrival of the farms residents. It didn't take long before somebody came to investigate the loud bang from the gate. As they got closer, I quickly became confused and a little bit disturbed.

What I would've believed to have been a human coming towards instead turned out to be a horse. A big, red coated draft horse. Even more confusing was the fact that it was carrying a lantern. In it's mouth. As you do, I guess. 'Okay, cool. I'm not hungover, I'm high as a motherfucker. Top class.' Gently placing the lantern to the floor, it kept its gaze focused on me, it's eyes tracing me all over before resting on my own. It even tilted its head in what I guessed to be confusion. Especially because its features mimicked such an emotion; eyes narrowed and brows furrowed.

"And how are you today my good sir?" I ask, grinning like a child, almost expecting the horse to reply. I'm unsure why but, when it did respond, I wasn't as confused as I would have expected myself to be. Probably because I still thought that I was high as a kite or something. At this point in time it wasn't really a bad assumption to make.

"Well, ah'm fine Mr-"

"Hey mate," I interrupt the red coated horse, his sentence dying in the wind, "did you just talk?" I ask, my smile still upon my face. He blinks before nodding. '...Nah.'

"Eeeyup." 'Yea, this ain't happening kiddo.' And with that, the smile goes. Along with what may have been a part of my sanity. 'I'm gone.'

"Nope."

"Ah'm sorry?" 'Just no, mate.'

"Nope. Just nope. Not having it. Have a good evening my fine fellow." And with that, I casually wheel myself away from the talking horse of my imagination and away from the farm, heading further down the path. In my wake I left a bewildered and somewhat amused horse wondering on whether or not he too was imagining things tonight.

"Grey you dumb fuck, what in the hell did you do last night you utter spastic?" I mutter, trying to figure out just what in the hell had led to the past few moments - having an imaginary conversation with an equally imaginary equine. 'Was I drinking again? Oh hell, did I get spiked? Son of a bitch, I bet I was.' Mentally berating myself for my own stupidity, I shook my head and decided to carry on. It soon turned out that the farm behind me wasn't located that far away from a town. That improved my mood somewhat, though I was still feeling rather moody. Mainly because I'd been out for a while now, and I wasn't exactly warm nor fed at this point. 'I'm a bastard at the best of times, but cold and hungry? Oh boy, I'll rip into royalty itself.'

All of a sudden, the darkness around me began to seemingly melt, growing brighter by the second. Casting my eyes to the sky, I realised why this was. 'Yea, erm... Nature? I just wanna let you know that that's not how the sun and moon work chief.' It would appear that my seemingly drug-fuelled trip had decided upon throwing both aforementioned celestial bodies into the sky, with the moon retreating to the ground, giving way to daylight. Knowing that I'd probably have a stroke if I kept trying to logically explain the astronomical phenomenon that had just occurred above me, I gritted my teeth in frustration and continued further on down the road.

Still, with everything now bathed in sunlight, I could actually get myself a clear view of my surroundings now. Similarly to the farm house - which I'd somehow managed to make out from the horse's lantern - the buildings here seemed to share the same design, giving the whole town a whole medieval feel. It reminded me somewhat of those old Anglo-Saxon villages that I'd seen in those history textbooks years ago. 'Christ, have I been dumped in the dark ages or something? Cool. Maybe I'll get tied to the stake and burnt alive for witchcraft. Hot.' There also appeared to be decorations plastered around, with a rather important looking building adorned with sun emblazoned banners. Perhaps the populace worshipped the sun? '...Or maybe have my heart ripped out in Aztec ritual. Even better.'

I would never admit to being scared or anything, and I sure didn't plan to do so in the near future, but I'd be lying to myself if I didn't at least feel apprehensive at my current situation: alone, in a strange town, with seemingly nobody around. 'Well this ain't ominous at all. I've yet to see a single human being all night, I'm prowling about in a town devoid of any and all bloody life, and I even said hello and goodbye to a talking horse. Maybe I've gone insane? Who knows, cause I sure as hell don't. This can't be real, though, right? Come on Alex, mate, you're just high as fu-'

My thoughts were cut off when I realised something both terrifying yet intriguing. I wasn't alone anymore. I'd have been happy with such a notion if it weren't for the fact that it wasn't humans who were standing before me. And around me for that matter actually. It turns out that I hadn't been focusing on what was going on around me, and I'd ended up wheeling myself right into the middle of an equine crowd. As one would expect, every single being within 100 yards was looking at me. 'Aah, well, ain't this just fucking grand. Looks like I've stumbled into something here.' Looking about the huge gathering of hor- no, ponies, judging by their much smaller sizes compared to the hulk I'd found at the farm, I found that each and every one of them came in differing shades of colour. Equally confusing were the marks held on their flanks - a harp for example, on a cyan coated pony.

Also to be noted was that the previously specified cyan coated pony looked rather happy to see me actually. That's nice.

I eventually found my attention focused on a certain group of equines in the centre of the crowd. My gut instinct told me that such a crowd had formed because of this group. Or maybe it's just because of the fact that two of them were twice the size as every other pony in the vicinity. Who knows? Still, they did seem important, especially as the two previously mentioned equines were wearing what seemed like tiaras. They also had wings as well. And horns now that I mention it. 'Does the Buy-One Get-One free deal go for everyone around here, or is it just them?'

A quick glance at the other ponies confirmed that, whilst many of the surrounding equines also had wings and horns, only the two larger ones before me had the pleasure of having both. 'Aah, so we've got unicorns and pegasus ponies prancing around in my head now. Cracking stuff right here.' Gesturing apathetically to the group in front of me, I shrug, choosing to ignore the flinches and recoiling of many of the surrounding equines.

"I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say that you lot can all talk as well then?" I ask, already anticipating what their replies would be. I received a mixture of responses from all around me, yet all held the the same answer anyway. "Ain't that swell. Well, if it's all the same to you folks, I'm just gonna call it a day and dip that way." And with that, I spin myself around and begin to wheel myself as far away from these talking ponies before they decide to lynch the weird creature that had just wheeled itself into their quaint little town. I didn't get that far before I realised I wasn't moving forwards.

In fact, I was moving backwards. Rather counterproductive. Looking down at my wheels, I was rather startled to find that they were enveloped in a golden light. A quick glance behind me revealed that the horn of the larger of the two hybrid horses was shimmering in the same light which gripped my dear Wheelson. With Plan A having been spectacularly dashed, I resorted to Plan B. 'You'll never take me alive!'

With a grunt, I threw myself off of my chair, landing in the dirt with a heavy thud, resulting in a cloud of dust and what I guessed to be a concerned gasp originating from somewhere behind me. As soon as I'd landed, I began to crawl as quickly as I could in the opposite direction of where I'd been heading. I hadn't even made it a few inches before I found that the ground was no longer the ground. It took me only a moment to realise I was floating. Or, more accurately, flailing upside down, slowly being brought towards the group of equines dead ahead. 'Well damn, guess I'm gonna be eaten.'

If the surrounding equines weren't confused before, they most definitely were now at the scene unfolding them. It's not everyday you see a rather handsome and intelligent wheelchair bound human literally roll into town, desperately attempt to escape from one of, if not the most powerful being on the planet, fail amazingly, and then dangle helplessly upside down before said being with both middle digits raised in her general direction. Still, what else was I going to do?

My eyes darted downwards/upwards/I-couldn't-bloody-tell towards a certain lavender coated pony who had stepped forward, coming within touching distance of me. Tilting her head with an adorable look of confusion on her muzzle that more or less demanded to be poked in the nose for such a crime, she asked the question that more than likely the whole town wanted to ask.

"I'm sorry, but, who and what are you?" Grinning, I do three things. Firstly, I spread my arms in a wide flourish, flashing her the most charming grin that a hapless upside down young man could muster. Secondly, I answer her question.

"Alexander Greyson, your friendly, wheelchair bound, sarcastic sorcerer supreme human, at your service!" Thirdly, I go ahead and punish her for her earlier crime by booping her on the nose, her muzzle scrunching up in a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. This also resulted in her looking even more adorable than she was a moment ago. 'You know, if this is Hell, I've been a good boy.' It also elicited some laughter from her companions, alongside rather well hidden grin from the one whose horn was still keeping me afloat. 'Oh yea, I forgot about you...'

Bringing my attention away from the boop-recovering lavender pony and towards the white maned one, it actually struck me that this one wasn't actually white. 'Hmm... Yea, that's some real light pink right there. That one over there? With the Indigo mane? That one has a white coat. This one? Nah, light pink. Definitely definitely lig-'

"Whilst I do commend your skills in colour identification," 'N-Nani?', "I do hope that you will be able to provide us with a more detailed explanation as to your sudden appearance in Ponyville?" Whilst shocked at how this pony had been able to read my mind, I felt compelled to respond to her question. Why? I don't know. Maybe in part to how she was in control of the lower half of my body.

"That, my dear, is a question I'd love to answer. And I shall do so, on three conditions." The middle finger on my right hand was joined by two of its siblings. "Firstly, you'll have to answer just a few of my own questions. Is that fair?" She nods. "Grand. Secondly, we do this Q'n'A of ours somewhere private. Bring these seven if you want, but no more. Agreed?" Another nod, plus seven other nods from the rest of the group. "Okay, sound. And finally?"

"Yes?" I myself nod, though towards my wheelchair, which was just tantalisingly of reach.

"Can I please have my wheelchair back? As much as I'm loving PonyAirlines right now, I do prefer my own means of transportation." A chuckle and a nod is my response, as I'm gently placed back into my chair. Giving myself a moment to recover from a good minute or two hanging upside down, I sigh contentedly. 'Aah, everything is as it should be. Minus this acid trip I'm on.' The light pink hybrid gave me an odd stare, before gracing me with a rather friendly and warm smile.

"Now then, shall we?" Nodding, I begin to follow the larger of the hybrids, wheeling alongside her. Beside her strode the smaller of the two. 'I wonder if they're sisters?' Of course, the larger one could read my mind, so I wasn't as surprised originally to see her nod ever so slightly. 'This is going to get really weird later on, you know that?' Another nod and an ever growing smile was her answer. 'Ah well, at least half of this ain't real.'

I pretended not to notice how quickly her smile vanished.

After a good minute of walking/wheeling, our little ragtag group were standing before a rather large tree. More accurately, a tree house. No, literally, a tree house. It had a door, windows, and even a chimney if I wasn't mistaken. That meant a fireplace. 'Because, you know, a fireplace in a tree of all things is just a great idea, and its architect definitely deserves an award for his towering intellect.'

Still, it was the actual purpose of the building that was the most ingenious part of it.

"So I take it this is a library, correct?" I ask to nobody in particular. My answer comes from that adorable lavender pony I booped earlier. 'She still looks rather embarrassed. Daww.'

"Indeed. It's also my new home." She said that last part with quite a bit of joy. 'Maybe she's just moved in.' Judging by the smiles going around between her and her friends, she wasn't the only one happy about the move.

"Lovely. But, yea, this is a library. And it's in a tree."

"Yes?"

"And it's filled with books, said books being made from paper, with said paper coming from trees."

"...Yes?"

"Am I the only one who finds that just a tad bit ironic?" I was met with an overwhelming silence. "Huh, tough crowd." 'For magical imaginary talking ponies, y'all are boring.'

"All joking aside," came the voice of the larger of the two hybrids, her friendly smile still plastered across her muzzle, "I do believe it is time for you to fulfil your end of the bargain." 'Yea yea, hold your horses. Haha, I'm funny.' Ignoring her exasperated sigh - it was obvious she did not understand such high class humour - I gestured for the group to sit down 'Well I guess we should all get comfortable then.'

"Please do take a seat everyone. As you can see, I brought my own." Yet again, met with silence and the odd bit of pity. 'Wow, you lot really aren't that funny.' "Anywho, I guess it's question time. I'll answer one at a time, so please put your hand... well, I guess, hoof, up, and I'll pick whoever strikes my fancy. Deal?" They all nod, "Swell. Aight, whose first?"

Every hoof in the room shoots up. 'Oh boy, I'm gonna be in here for a while.'

Author's Note

Yo, I'm not dead, fellas.

Basically, I'll write a blog post at some point detailing where the hell I and my story went, but to sum it up: I dun goofed.

If any of my old followers find this, sorry for the old story going to hell. Big F indeed.

-The Sarcastic Brit, AKA Greyson.

P.S - I'm not sorry about the jokes. Wheely, I'm not.

Making Friends

One Step At A Time.

It took me a good few days to even begin to wrap my head around the fact that I was indeed amongst the land of the living, and not lost in my own substance fuelled imagination. It would most definitely take a whole lot longer than a few days for me to actually accept such a concept however. Still, from what I'd learnt recently, it would seem I would have plenty of time to come to terms with my predicament. Many things had been explained to me by Celestia and Luna, the two 'hybrids' who I'd mentioned previously.

It was a bit of a shock to learn that they were also the rulers of the nation with which I'd found myself in. Leave it to me to run into such powerful figures within the first few hours of my arrival. It's almost as if it had been planned by some sort of higher power.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the ‘Alicorns’.

Firstly, they provided me with a basic explanation of how I was going to get home - I wasn’t (They still haven’t given up to this day, so A* for effort). Secondly, a bit of magical prodding and experimentation, including a failed attempt at ‘interdimensional’ teleportation. It didn't work, obviously, but it did make my kidneys feel a little tingly. Thirdly, sugar, spice, and a hint of sympathy. Literally. The sugar and spice came from a sort of ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party, with the sympathy from those I’d met. At least, anyone I'd met who hadn't ran and/or fainted. At that point, that list had been rather short, unfortunately. It also didn't help that I was still rather shell shocked to enjoy the party to its fullest.

Got to enjoy the cupcakes though, diabetes be damned.

Still, it wasn't all that bad. For a start, I was being sheltered and fed at least, so I did have that. I didn't exactly plan on staying forever, though, as I really didn't plan on being a burden towards my kind host. Whenever I brought this up to her, though, she always went on about how I was anything but a burden.

And by she, I mean the lavender pony - Twilight Sparkle. Or, more affectionately, 'Sparky', 'Sparkles', or 'Book Bitch'.

She still takes exception to that last one to this day. I've no idea why, though.

As had been the case for the past few days upon opening my eyes, I expected myself to be laying in my own bed, in my own room, in my own flat. As had been the case for the past few days also, I was not. A truly shocking turn of events. Instead, I was greeted by the same room with which I'd been graciously granted by one 'Twilight Sparkle'. I knew her now as that rather adorable lavender pony. I also knew her as the one who asked the most questions. Her eagerness for knowledge didn't take away from how adorable she was in her pursuit. ‘She's like a little puppy. A little puppy with a penchant for pestering. Still, I can't exactly fault her. I am an alien to her, after all, so questions are to be expected.’

I owed her whatever I could provide her with anyway. Upon realising that I'd no home at that point, Twilight had immediately volunteered to be the one to home me during my 'temporary' stay in Equestria. 'Equines, living in the lands of Equestria and in a town called Ponyville. It's like I'm living in a cartoon for kids.' After a basic tour, she brought me to a rather homely little spare room on the bottom floor.

For obvious reasons, I'd struggle to get myself up and down the stairs, so she and her little assistant/brother had taken it upon themselves to transform what was once a room for storing books into a makeshift guest room. It contained the essentials: a bed, wardrobe, bookshelf, desk, bookshelf, bookshelf et cetera. All in all, it suited me just fine.

Despite all of that, however, I wasn't the happiest of people. I'd hazard a guess that awakening in a strange new world with no recollection of how you'd managed such an accomplishment would leave one rather bummed out. Seeing my depression, the townsfolk had decided to throw me a 'Welcome to Ponyville' Party. Whilst it didn't exactly bring me out of my edge-o-bubble, their efforts did make me chuckle a wee bit. To a certain pink pony, that right there was basically mission accomplished right there, judging by the fact that she had the image of a Cheshire cat for the rest of that night.

She even proclaimed me her new ‘best human friend’. ‘The competition must have surely been fierce.’

Having completed my new daily morning routine of depressing thoughts for the day, I slumped back into my chair, a seemingly permanent frown having etched itself upon my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied a nearby mirror, large enough to fit my whole body in it. Curious, I brought myself over towards it, inspecting my rather dishevelled appearance. If I wasn't so annoyed, I'd probably take great pride in the fact that I'd finally managed to grow some proper facial hair. Still, I did look like an actual mess. Probably because I hadn't bathed in a while. The nearest one was upstairs, after all, and getting up there would be effort.

Other than that party, I'd yet to really leave my room other than for certain biological requirements. Having brushed away any attempts at communication from my two housemates the first dozen times, they decided that it would be best to leave me alone for a while, believing that I'd talk to them fully when I was good and ready. When would that time be? Nobody knew. Perhaps in a few days. Perhaps in a few weeks or months. Maybe even a good year or two.

Out of nowhere though, I suddenly felt something shift within me. As if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I could see clearly now what was wrong with me. The answer to my problems? The root of my depression? The source of my pain? It was all so clear to me now. I knew exactly what I had to do. With newfound determination and purpose, I nodded, understanding now just what it was that needed to be done.

"I need a bath, a cup of tea, and a sausage roll from Greggs."

Sometimes it’s the simple things that can solve the most complicated of conundrums.

It was a struggle, yes, but, like most obstacles that I face, I overcame the odds in the end. Having anticipated it to inevitably be more trouble than it was worth, I decided to forego even attempting to get my wheelchair up the stairs. Instead, I'd gone and crawled up them, dragging myself to the top of the stairs and to nearly every room up there, eventually finding and mentally noting down the position of the bathroom. Once I was satisfied that I was properly cleaned, I began the rather arduous task of dragging myself across the floor.

Perhaps I should've at least attempted to bring my wheelchair up here? It would've been entertaining to see if I could try and stick a landing with it from the top of the stairs. There was no protective railing either, so it could theoretically be done. 'I'll definitely bloody hurt myself at some point, even if I don't try that admittedly awesome sounding stunt.'

It was when I was halfway down the stairs that I heard the front door open that made me stop dead. Stepping into the library was the lavender custodian herself. It didn't take her long to see me, and when she did, I think she almost fainted in pure shock and terror. I wasn't sure why exactly, though the more logical side of me attributed it to the fact that she'd just found her paralysed ward out of both his room and his wheelchair. The library was silent for but a moment before her brain retook control, kicking her body into motion.

I didn't even have time to blink as I found myself levitating in the air again, before being deposited onto a nearby sofa, concern etched all over Twilight's muzzle as she appeared by my side. Her eyes darted all over my form, checking for any obvious injuries. As this was happening, my ears were ever so kindly bombarded with a flurry of words.

"OhmygoshMrGreysonareyouallrightohCelestiawhatinthenameofFaus-" 'Aaand now my hearing is impaired as well.'

"Mrs Twilight?" She carried on.

"-athappenedtoyou-" 'She still going? Yes, yes she is.'

"Oi, adorable book pony?" She still carried on.

"-onnabanishmeforthis-" 'Aight, Plan B. Ahem.’

"FOR CHRIST SAKE'S WOMAN I'M FINE!" Startled by my sudden outburst, Twilight let out a surprised squeak, stumbling backwards and falling onto her hind legs. Rolling over onto my back, I was met with her muzzle more or less in my face, the concern for my health still there. We remained like that for a while, before boredom set in and I thought that, perhaps maybe, I should talk to her. 'Not as if I've been ignoring her for almost a whole week. Oh wait!'

"So uhh... You got big fucking eyes, love." Smooth as always. Her following spluttering of words was an entertaining sight, yet I didn't have time to enjoy it. The floor wasn't exactly the most comforting thing to be laying on, and I preferred my spine only slightly damaged. With that in mind, I was about to start heading for my wheelchair, before it suddenly began moving towards me of its own accord. 'Huh, I don't remember having the force?'

Then I saw a rather familiar pink light enveloping its wheels. A quick glance to Twilight confirmed my suspicions. 'Damn, it's just her. Shame. Cheers anyway, my dear.' Twilight's assistance didn't end there though, as she then proceeded to gently lift me up off of the ground and into my chair. If I didn’t plan on getting on her good side as soon as I could, I'd have probably been annoyed with all the assistance I was getting. Despite being physically impaired, I was still fully capable of taking care of myself.

Still, I couldn't be annoyed at her for long. Especially when she's the one who owns the roof over my head. At the very least I allowed myself to throw snarky remarks, if only to ease my frustration.

"Would you like to take me out to dinner as well?" I innocently remark, batting my eyelids at her as I do so, dazzling smile also included. If her sudden frown told me anything, it was that she wasn't amused at my remark. 'Aww.'

"So you shut yourself in a room for days, ignore my every attempt at communication, leaving me up at night to think of a way to bring you out of your shell-" 'Damn, she sounds rather annoyed bro.' "-nd then I come home to find you crawling down my stairs, frightening me half to death! I thought you were hurt! What do you have to say for yourself, mister!?" '...Yea, that backfired rather well. Go figure.' Awaiting a response, I'm surprised any anger she had wasn't further inflamed when I nonchalantly shrugged.

"The Aristocrats."

What followed was a rather intense stare down. On the one hand, we had a magical, literature loving librarian mare. On the other hand, a handicapped English man with a penchant for alcohol, bad puns at his own expense and a healthy dose of sarcasm. Truly a showdown for the ages.

I won that staring contest in the end, though I had little time to celebrate my victory. Seeing as how I was now socially active, Twilight had decided that it’d be best for me to follow her to a small field outside of Ponyville, where she and her friends had decided upon throwing a little picnic. It was sunny, it was warm; overall it was definitely a pleasant day for a picnic.

Such a day would be seen as a sign of the end times in N.W England. Especially if it was during actual Summer time.

Twilight had wanted me to join this picnic for a number of reasons. One of them was so as to properly introduce herself and her friends to me. I could understand that, as, despite knowing her name and her borderline-obsessive love for the literary arts, I actually didn’t know that much about her personally. Nor about her friends either. I couldn’t actually remember their names, to be honest.

Funnily enough, I’d never actually asked that many questions during the little session we’d all shared in the library. It had mainly consisted of me being interrogated, acting as if nothing I was hearing was truly real, and then throwing in a cheeky remark here and there. This lasted until they decided to test a few theories to prove their words, such as the ‘If this isn’t real, would you feel pain,’ theory. They tested that theory at least three times for good measure. Suffice to say I didn’t get that much done afterwards, due to the shock from the reality of it all. Alongside a mild case of whiplash as well. ‘Fuckers hit me with a book at high speed because, you know, what better way is there to prove that I’m not on Earth than by yeeting a fucking book at me? None it seems.’

Her other yet equally important reason for me coming along was that, similarly to wanting me to talk to her friends, she and her friends also wanted to talk to me. It actually sounded like she and her compatriots were genuinely excited to talk to me again. She attributed such excitement to two overriding factors - the quest for knowledge and the hope of everlasting friendship. ‘I’d stand and salute their enthusiasm if I could. ‘Alas, ‘tis not possible.’

In reality it was probably down to my roguishly handsome looks.

It didn’t take long for us to reach our destination and, upon arrival, my attention was quickly grabbed a group of familiar mares. ‘...Yea, I remember them now… Fuck, what were their names again?’ As I struggled to place names upon the colorful creatures ahead, Twilight went ahead and shouted out to her friends, drawing their attention towards us. When they saw who it was accompanying their friend the eyes of the mares widened, the surprise on their muzzles drawing an chuckle from me. It was as we drew closer towards them that I was able to get a better look at them that realisation slowly began to dawn on me. ‘Okay, the yellow one with the pink mane is Fluttershy, I think. The prissy looking one is Rarily, or, Rarity? Yea, that one. Uhh, the LGBT mascot is Rainbow Dash I do believe. Who else do we ha- oh yea, that’s Applejack... Is that all of them? Yea, that’s all four.’

It took me a moment to realise that there was actually meant to be five here, yet I could only count five including Twilight. Before I could ask whether or not I’d merely been imagining a sixth pony, the view I had of the group was replaced by a mass of pink.

“Hi there!” ‘Oh, no, there is six.’ “It’s been awhile Mr Greyson sir!” ‘Isn’t this that party pony?’ “-of us have seen you since that super duper party I threw, just for you!” ‘What was her name again? Something to do with, like, pink I do believe.’ “-idn’t know if you liked it though because you seemed so grumpy the whole time, but you ate my cupcakes so that must mean you enjoyed it right? ‘Honestly, this is annoying me now, it’s on the tip of my bloody tongue.’ “-at am I saying, of course you enjoyed it! Everyone enjoys a-”

“PINKIE PIE!” ‘...Dammit man, what is it?’

“-party!” And with that, she dropped from her position upon my head and into my lap and, noticing my lack of attention, began poking me in the chest with her hoof every few seconds. ‘...Oh yea, it’s Pinkie Pie ain’t it? Gotcha. Whoa, it got a whole lot quieter all of a sudden. Has she stopped talking then?’ Indeed she had and, having seen me bear the brunt of Pinkie’s verbal bombardment, the rest of the ponies didn’t know how I was going to react.

To say they were surprised when I absentmindedly began to scratch the energetic ball of fluff behind the ears would be an understatement. Perhaps jealous would’ve been a better description. Looking down at how the pink pony has seemingly melted at my touch, a look of pure bliss adorning her features, I shrugged.

“No idea what she was on about, ladies, but I think I’ve got her sorted.” A hum of confirmation resonated from the mare lying on my lap, her ear reflexively twitching from my ministrations. ‘She honestly is like a bloody cat. Maybe Twilight will let me keep her?’

“Well ah’ll be, ah’ ain’t so sure ah’ve ever seen Pinkie Pie so… so-”

“Quiet?” She nods at this, and I smirk, ruffling Pinkie's mane, much to her delight.

“I’ve just got those magic hands, sweetheart.” Wiggling my fingers for effect, I was able to draw a few humoured chuckles from the group. ‘So far so good, Grey. Keep it up and they might accept you, buddy.’

“Now that that’s over with,” Twilight says, sparing a glance at the pony in my lap still, “I think we should join the girls, Greyson.” Hearing this, the mares quickly made room for us both to join them, levitating plates and food stuffs all over the place.

“Oh, don’t I have a say in the matter?” I reply, feigning indignation. One look my way quickly told her that I was only playing. ‘Shit boys, she’s onto me.’

“No.”

“Pretty snide, that.”

Compared to our last meeting, this one was a whole lot more informative for both myself and the girls. We'd introduced ourselves yet again, answered and gave questions on both human - mainly British - and Equestrian society and traded little stories about our lives. They were particularly interested in how I'd ended up in a wheelchair, though it took one of them a while to pluck up the courage to ask about it. By the end of it all though, both parties had come away feeling much better with the other. For my part, I'd learnt much more about the world I was in and about those who inhabited it.

For example, I learnt that there were yet more mythological species which I'd once believed to be fairy tales existing within Equestria. Another thing I'd learnt was that I'd literally arrived in the midst of some world-ending crisis, with a being known as 'Nightmare Moon' attempting to bring about an age of eternal night. Rainbow Dash made sure that I knew exactly who were the ones responsible for preventing such a catastrophe. 'Go you, Greyson. You're now friends with the local national heroes. Congratulations.'

By the time we arrived back at the library it was rather late in the afternoon. Twilight, having asked and gotten my permission, planned to spend an hour or two asking the more boring questions about my culture, society and so forth. The others weren't exactly interested in such questions, though, and had called it a day.

"You're an alien to Equestria!" Twilight had pointed out for at least the 80th time, her eyes gleaming with excitement, "Just think of how much we could learn from one another!" 'You could always just say please, maybe?'

Twilight had said that, provided that she was given enough information, she'd write and publish a great many books on Humans. I'd agreed, on the condition that she open a fireproof bookstore just for these books and to also name said store, 'The Great Library of Alexandria'. She told me she'd consider it.

Twilight had only just gone upstairs when the library door slammed open. Startled, I literally wheeled around to face the disturbance. I was actually expecting a thief, or at the very least a group of angry ponies who didn't take too kindly to foreign folk in these parts.

Either of the two would've probably been easier to deal with compared to what I got instead.

"Whoa. Is that the alien, Apple Bloom?" 'Well hello to you too.'

"Ah' think so, Scootaloo. Ah' mean, it don't look like no pony." 'No shit?'

"Erm, girls? I think he can hear us." 'Nah kid, I'm just deaf as well as paralysed. Please, do carry on with your business.'

No, there were no armed robbers or lynch mobs. Instead, I was faced faced with a trio of fillies, who didn't exactly seem to concerned with the fact that they'd literally just stormed into the building and were openly talking about me. Whilst I was literally just a few yards away, staring at them in utter confusion.

It was at this moment that I chose to ask a rather specific question. A question which, in time, I'd both come to regret and enjoy.

"...And you three are?" I ask, getting their attention. Suddenly, all three of the fillies jumped forwards and were now lined up right in front of me. Still confused, I just sat there wondering what it was that they had planned. 'They're kids. What are they gonna do, shout me to death?'

"WE'RE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"

I couldn't hear anything in my left ear for the next 24 hours.