The Doctor often told Derpy that he was impressive and, he maintained, that he was even more impressive in this new incarnation.
He said that he could see all that was, all that will be and all that could be. He thinks he's wonderful, incredible and indescribable.
Derpy thinks he's full of crap.
He may be extremely intelligent, possibly the smartest pony she had ever met; he may be energetic, buoyant and witty, sexy, sarcastic and caring, but he was still, at core, a stallion.
That meant that he couldn't really do more than one thing at a time—especially listen to her—whilst he was rattling away at a hundred miles an hour on trivial rubbish about the planet they are planning to visit next called Earth and attempt to 'fix' the TARDIS.
Multitasking; not really something the Doctor was capable of. Like most stallions.
"—so the Holy Hadrojassic Empire was then amalgamated into Maxarodenfoe's third domain. He, of course, decided that his name should be imported into the final product, a bit like the Coca-Cola-Pepsi merger of 2711."
Derpy sighed, bored with his ramblings. "Are you nearly done?"
"Not that the merger was successful, I mean after you reveal your secret ingredient, obviously your sales are going to go down—"
"Doctor?"
"—especially if you end up telling people it was Dodo saliva which you've been farming under Cleveland for centuries. The ramifications of that!"
Derpy wrinkled her nose. What on earth is he talking about now? "Are we going to visit Earth, like you said?"
"I mean, for one thing, the phrase; 'dead as a Dodo' was now obsolete and had to be rephrased and, call me a cynic, but 'dead as a parakeet' just doesn't have the same ring to it."
"You really could talk the hind legs off a pony." Derpy muttered, but even the insult hadn't penetrated and he tucked himself under the console, still talking.
"Dead as a dormouse could work, but only after 2570 when they all mysteriously vanished off the face of the Earth, confused scientists for years that one. It was like they'd done a Mary Celeste."
Derpy perched on one of the very few chairs there are in the TARDIS, trying to make sense of what he was saying. It was interesting in an abstract way, but he didn't really need an audience. This incarnation had certainly gone cuckoo.
Maybe she could shake him out of it.
Derpy made herself comfortable on her chair. "I think my daughter's an alien."
"Of course, they didn't know that the dormice were actually abducted by the Khajiit who had depleted the mouse population of Keizaal and needed a secondary supply. Took some finagling on my part to persuade them that Earth dormice were of a different constitution and were, therefore, inedible to most lifeforms—"
Derpy blinked. He hadn't even heard her! She wasn't so selfish that she thought her every word would be listened to, but to be completely ignored?
"We need to create a nursery in the TARDIS." Derpy said, determined to make him react. "I'm having triplets."
Nothing.
"They're the Captain's, incidentally."
"—I would have returned all the dormice back to Earth but they were so happy on Keizaal that I left them there. Created their own little world and get on quite well with the Khajiit, which is quite a feat. Nasty little buggers, Khajiit—"
Derpy started to smile. Actually she wondered how far she could go here.
"We need to save Equestria. The Zygons are going to build a hyperspace bypass." Derpy grinned as he carried on regardless of her little announcement. "Seriously, they're going to destroy Equestria, build it right through the Hollow Shades."
"—thought that by now they'd be used to it. Annoying little things, plus they make Space Nettle soup without removing the stingers! It's like catching your teeth on a cactus. How that ever caught on, I'll never know—like Disco. Baffles the mind."
Her tail wagged in entertainment, mind working furiously. "I've decided to join the Intergalactic Circus; acrobatic swings in zero gravity sounds easy enough."
"Now, rock and roll, I appreciate and even punk—"
"I'll need a costume. I've always wanted to try skirts, so can we go shopping? You'll pay for everything of course."
Say yes, say yes. That'll serve you right, she thought.
"Techno, hip-hop, rap—which was first brought to Earth by a Sontaran with a stutter, by the way—and even some country music, I get that. But Disco? Roller skating to music? What is with that? And at the same time as flares, talk about safety hazard! All that polyester a fire hazard. I'm not surprised that they were called the roaring seventies... Oh wait, that was the twenties."
Derpy giggled. "I want to fly away with Nightmare Moon. We're going to lead the Bat Ponies and take over the universe."
"The thirties weren't bad, a bit depressing, of course, but then so were the nineties... the 20-teens were okay, I suppose, if you discount the whole human race as an instantly downloadable source-network. Speaking of downloadable sources, what the hell does this do?"
"Destroys the universe, I told you," she said, thoroughly enjoying herself. "It's part of our diabolical plan."
"Maybe it needs rejigging. I came first in jiggery-pokery, you know."
"But failed social interaction. That reminds me, Doctor, Princess Twilight wants your autograph. Says she's in love with you." She smothered a laugh with her hooves.
"But then again, I think I may have a spare knocking about somewhere; could be just as easy to replace as to rejig, but I may need it again someday."
"But I told her you were mine and that she'd have to get her own. Then she said we hadn't even kissed yet, and she's right."
"But that day is today and so it might be better to replace it now."
"So, Doctor, wanna buck? Or make out for half an hour? All in interest of your safety from the Princess."
"Where did I put it?"
"Do—"
"Derpy?"
She jumped guiltily and plastered a smile on her face as he turned his attention to her.
"Yes?"
"Can you fetch me the rapid inhibitor from the kitchen? It's in the second drawer from the left. I think we've been using it as an egg timer."
"Sure." Stifling a smirk, Derpy wriggled off her perch on the chair and headed for the door.
Stallions; they really were clueless.
"Oh, Ditzy?"
She half-turned. That's new, he used my real name. "Yeah?"
He leaned against the console, a sly smile firmly in place, hooves fixing his tie. "Little Dinky isn't an alien, at least not one I've heard of. The TARDIS already has a nursery, although I don't think Jack is quite that fertile. The Zygons don't build hyperspace bypasses, those are the Vogons and Hollow Shades could use the renovation. There is no point wearing a skirt in zero gravity and I'm pretty sure acrobats wear tights. Besides, last I check, the Circus is full. I already made sure Princess Luna will never transform into Nightmare Moon again. World domination is so passé and you can tell Princess Twilight I'm not interested, okay?"
Derpy blushed. "Okay."
He gave her his biggest, sexiest smile. "Great, the rapid inhibitor?"
"Okay." Flushing bright pink, Derpy headed for the door again before something occurred to her and she stopped. "You didn't answer the last one."
Wanna buck?
"Sorry," he smirked, "I wasn't listening."
END
