Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade and the Chaise Lounge
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is bookplayer's fault. See this blog post by DH and this comment by bookplayer. Also see bookplayer's How to do a Sonic Rainboom, which has nothing to do with this story but is really good. NOT NOW! After you read this story. I'm not allowed to use the OC tag because device heretic and bookplayer invented the character, so there.
Churning dark clouds hurried overhead past Ponyville, blown on a chill, foreshadowing wind. The red glow on their undersides faded as the sun's last rays died and night descended on the town.
The gaunt, old grey unicorn pulled his tattered and dusty cloak tighter about him as he made his slow and deliberate way down the town's empty streets. The traveler paid no mind to the street signs, but stopped now and then to sniff the air, and cock an ear to the sky, before grunting to himself and continuing. Eventually he found himself on the doorstep of a nice Ponyville townhouse, one of those new tri-levels going up on the south end. He eyed the row of peonies in a window flowerbox dubiously before rapping heavily and ominously on the door.
Inside, the red-and-black alicorn Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade stood in a room by himself, silently regarding a tan chaise lounge situated between two oak end tables, one with a brass lamp with fringes on its shade, the other with a vase of red flowers. His massive muscles rippled with every movement of his battle-scarred body as he turned his head, first to one end table, then to the other. On hearing the hollow, foreboding knock, he turned and looked over his shoulder.
"Honey, could you get that?" he called.
An earth pony stallion with a maple-sugar coat and mane trotted down the hallway, past the room where Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade stood pondering the furniture arrangement, and into the entrance foyer. He opened the door to find the stranger waiting there. They both twitched their noses and blinked, looking equally surprised. Then the stranger spoke, in the deep, unwavering voice of one who has seen unspeakable sights and knows terrible and glorious secrets.
"I have followed the scent of destiny to your doorstep, young stallion. I have grave words to speak, and grim – but there is yet cause for hope."
The earth pony turned his head over his shoulder and shouted, "I think it's one of those Jehoovah's Witnesses."
"Just flame at him and he'll run away," Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called back.
"I don't flame," the earth pony said.
"I have come from a distant land, drawn here by emanations of vast magical power, and by prophecy."
"Oh, come on, just roll your eyes at him and call him 'darling'! It'd be so cute."
"Not gonna happen, Nighty."
"The fate of all Equestria hangs in the balance!" the unicorn intoned.
The earth pony nodded. "Yeah, yeah. Look. Come in for a second, I can get you some water, okay? But then you hafta leave." He took one step towards the kitchen.
"SILENCE!" the old unicorn thundered, and when he stamped one hoof for emphasis, a lightning bolt split the sky behind him and left an echoing crack and a ringing in all their ears.
"My bad," the earth pony called over his shoulder. "He's an adventurer."
"Oh, Celestia!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called back. "They're even worse!"
The unicorn cleared his throat. "I am Dan-galf Shadowhax, the grey pony, the midnight crow, counsellor of kings..."
"Come on, Nighty, you know he's here for you."
"... summoner of tides, wayfarer of wastes..."
"I'm not here! Can he hear me?"
"... keeper of the crimson croissant, and I must speak to the prophesied one – to Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade!" He glared at the earth pony with the visage of one used to commanding armies and giving stern warnings to kings and queens.
The earth pony stared right back. "Yeah. Well, he's a little busy. So whattya need?"
The unicorn scrutinized the brown earth pony doubtfully. "And who might you be?"
"Phil," the earth pony answered.
"Phil?"
"Phil."
The traveler frowned. He did not look like a pony used to being denied an audience, or to explaining himself to ponies named Phil.
"Look," Phil said, "let me guess. You got an evil sorcerer needs killing, a relic of great power to get or destroy, a dangerous rift that might open a portal to another dimension, or some kinda Discord-related issue."
The traveler said angrily, "Do not speak to me as though I were a colt! I have climbed the heights of Mt. Varanus, I have ridden the wind on the backs of dragons, and I—"
"Which?"
The old unicorn turned his face away. "The third," he muttered.
"Yeah. And it's in the Everfree Forest, right?"
Dan-galf raised both eyebrows.
"I thought so. It's rift season. Just hold on here a moment." He disappeared into the back briefly, then re-emerged holding a battered black steel toolbox in his mouth, which he set on the floor. "Nighty," he called, "I'm gonna go help this guy with his rift, okay?"
"But we were going to go through that new catalog from Neighman-Marecus together tonight!"
"I'll be back quick, I promise."
"Pinky-promise?"
Phil groaned. "Pinky-promise." He turned back to the old unicorn. "Now let's you and me go take a look at this rift, then we can come back here and you can talk to Nighty if you still want."
The unicorn stamped one hoof stubbornly. "The prophesied one must come!"
"Look, he's staring at the furniture again, and in another few minutes he's gonna start pushing it around, and that could go on for an hour."
"The prophecy says—"
Phil raised a hoof, cutting him off, and said, "Listen. Do you like musical dance numbers?"
He grimaced. "I despise them."
"Then leave him here. Trust me. So, this rift. Does it go hiss, or a sort of zhurp-zhurp-zhurp?"
The old pony sighed and slumped his shoulders. "It's more of a zhurp zhurp," he said.
"Uh-huh. And would you say it pulses, streams, or just glows steady-like?"
"Pulses. It throbs with an other-worldly—"
"Uh-huh. Gonna need a socket wrench." He opened the toolbox and began rummaging through it, tossing a few tools onto the floor. "Is this rift English or metric? Ah, better take both sets."
Dan-galf gasped at the pile of tools, some of which were forged from metals that were a wicked-looking cold grey, or strangely iridescent, and covered in ancient runes. "Is that – is that the Dagger of Invictus?"
"Yeah," Phil said. "Nighty gave me that. Never needs sharpening. Wish I had a dozen of those babies."
"And the Hammer of Amit?"
"Yeah, we're gonna need that to drive in some shims," Phil said. He threw some of the tools back in the box, left the Dagger of Invictus and a few others lying there on the floor, then strapped on some saddlebags that were hanging in the foyer and put the toolbox inside.
"I still don't understand," the old pony said. "Why is Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade, the great warrior foretold to us in ancient prophecies, obsessed with the placement of furniture?"
Phil leaned in, put one foreleg around Dan-galf and said quietly, "Well, lemme put it this way. Some ponies believe that every guy like me and Nighty is a natural-born genius at matching colors and furniture and all that."
The gray pony wrinkled his brow, perplexed. "Like you and Nighty?"
"Yeah, but it's just a myth."
"And your... friend is one of the few with real talent?"
"Phil!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called from down the hall. "Have you seen my color swatches?"
"They're Rarity's swatches, which you were borrowing, and she came by and picked them up yesterday because you never returned them," Phil called out.
He turned back to the old unicorn and leaned in closer. "My 'friend' is one of the ponies who believes the myth. Come on, let's get out of here before there's a montage or something." He pushed Dan-galf the Grey Pony out the door and shut it behind him.
Back in the most-remote corner of the townhouse, Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade absent-mindedly stroked his chin with the blood-red pearl of great magical power mounted in his adamantium-clawed battle-hoofring while he contemplated the two end tables. End tables normally went on the two ends of something; but the whole purpose of a chaise lounge was to break up that kind of symmetry. Functionally, both end tables should go at the end where a pony's head would go, one behind and one beside the lounge. But that would push the lounge away from the wall and leave a big unusable empty space behind it, which was bad Feng Shui.
He loved chaise lounges, but the mystery of how to coordinate them with matched end tables still eluded him. Possibly... if you pushed it back into a corner, angled so that the end table behind the lounge just fit into the space between the lounge and the corner...
A little less than an hour later, Phil and Dan-galf returned. "Amazing," Dan-galf was muttering. "We are eternally grateful to you... Phil."
"Remember to check it every week with the torque wrench, crank it back up to 35 if it goes under 30 pounds, but no more or you'll strip the threads. Whack the shims if they start working their way out. Call me if reality starts going wibbly-wobbly."
"I shall, Phil of Ponyville," Dan-galf said. "This I swear by—"
"Phil!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade exclaimed, galloping into the room. "You simply must see what I've done with the sitting room! You're going to love it."
"Can we still sit in it?"
"Come, come, come!" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade tugged at Phil with a fiery red plasma of immense yet gentle magical power.
"Hail, Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade!" Dan-galf said. "I have heard the bards sing of your—"
Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade jerked his tall, stately head toward Dan-galf. "My designs? You've heard of them?"
Phil shook his head urgently at Dan-galf.
"Er... no. I have heard tell of your deeds of bravery..."
But the handsome alicorn had already lost interest and turned his deep, soulful red eyes on Phil. "You won't believe it. I asked myself, How can I balance a tan lounge with oak end-tables? That's bad color theory right there to begin with. But I found these forest-green throw-pillows..."
Phil mouthed Get out while you can! to Dan-galf and waved him towards the door as he was dragged backwards by the alicorn's irresistible strength.
"Er... I take my leave of you, Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade. And of you... Phil." He watched them disappear down the hallway and into the sitting room.
"Nighty!" he heard Phil exclaim. "It's exactly the same as before!"
Then Dan-galf Shadowhax the Grey Pony, counsellor of kings, shut the door behind him very quietly and ventured back into the cold and windy night.
Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade and the Library with Bad Feng Shui
Spike was pacing anxiously back and forth outside the library, watching the road that led to the south side of Ponyville, when a maple-sugar-colored earth pony appeared on it and trotted up the path to the great tree.
Spike ran out to meet him on the lawn that spread about the library. "Phil! You got my message! I wasn't even sure if it would work." He peered down the road behind Phil. "But where's Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade?"
"He might be a little late," Phil said. "We should just get started."
"Ooh!" Spike said, clasping his hands together. "Is he facing down dreadful monsters from the depth of Tartarus?"
"No, I kinda burned your letter, moved the furniture around enough to distract him, and nailed the door shut behind me."
Spike blinked. "But... why?"
"Just a hunch," Phil said.
The little dragon frowned. "Well, that won't slow down Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade! He'll just teleport right through your nailed door."
"I don't think so."
"Oh, yeah? Why not?" Spike demanded.
"I used mismatched nails. Come on, let's see what we've got." Phil trotted past Spike and on up to the library. Spike narrowed his eyes at him as he passed, then threw his hands up in the air in frustration, and rushed to catch up.
Inside, Twilight's five friends were arguing on the library's main floor, the only space big enough to hold them all.
"Well, I say we rope her and pull 'er out!" Applejack was saying.
"Applejack, darling, do be reasonable. Aside from the impropriety, what would you do then? Drag her about town on the end of a rope?"
"Mmm," Fluttershy said to herself quietly.
"Flutter, dear, you're poking me with your wing again. No," Rarity continued, "I fear this is a psychological problem."
"Don't worry, everybody!" Spike announced. "Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade is on his way!" He glared at Phil. "He'll know what to do!"
From the doorway came a deep, bold voice, saying, "Did someone say Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade?" A breathtakingly-handsome, firmly-muscled, black-and-red alicorn strode majestically into the room. "Phil, honey," he said in softer voice. "Sorry I took so long. Can you believe somepony broke in and moved our furniture again?"
"It's a rough town," Phil said.
"Mmm," said Rarity, her eyes on the alicorn stallion.
Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade looked slowly around the library full of ponies. "Dear me," he said. "You ponies obviously have a problem."
"That's right!" Spike said, and rushed across the room to look up at his hero. "A purple problem. Twilight won't get out of the shower! She's been in there all day! When I tell her to come out, she just says she isn't finished!"
"Oh, I think you have a bigger problem than that," said Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade, glancing about the library.
Phil leaned towards Spike. "We'd better hurry," he said, "or something awful's going to happen."
Spikes eyes bulged out in alarm. "What? Is she going to explode?"
Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade was staring around himself with a look of horror, transfixed by the bookshelves and the thousands of dusty volumes arranged on them. He shook his head slowly but emphatically. "Oh, no," he said, "this won't do at all."
"Too late," Phil said.
"Look at that," Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade said to nopony in particular. "Would you just look at that?"
"Don't," Phil advised, but the other ponies had already turned to see. He sighed, and went upstairs by himself, disappearing into a cloud of steam wafting from the bathroom while the others raised their ears to listen to the alicorn.
"There's no variety at all. The same pattern on every wall."
"You're so right!" Rarity said, trotting over to where he stood to get a better view.
"Um, yeah," Spike said. "Books."
"Exactly," the alicorn said. "But watch this!" He lifted a bookshelf telekinetically and spun it around, replacing it so that you saw only the solid oak backside. "Now I've broken up the pattern!"
"Brilliant!" gasped Rarity.
"Uh, right, but nopony can get at those books now," Spike said.
"Oh, Spikey, you dear little thing," Rarity said with a smile. "Don't worry! It was the philosophy section."
"And then," the alicorn went on, "within the shelves, the books are arranged completely at random!"
"Er, no, not really, at all," Spike said. His expression had been gradually changing from that of a pony unwrapping a cutie-mark day present, to that of the same pony who, after unwrapping said present, found it contained a sweater and a set of pens and pencils. He went up to one wall full of bookshelves to explain, pointing out different sections as he spoke. "It might be a little counter-intuitive, but the 'geography' section is sub-categorized chronologically, and the 'history' section is sub-categorized geographically, and the shelf in the middle is the intersection between them—"
"She has a yellow book," Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade said in a deep-pitched squeal of outrage, "next to an orange book!" He pointed an accusing hoof while averting his eyes. Rarity raised a hoof to her mouth and gasped.
"An' what's wrong with that?" Applejack demanded.
"It's a violation of basic color theory! And there"—he stomped one hoof—"there's an orange magic book next to a green magic book!"
"Lemme guess," Rainbow said. "Color theory?"
"No," Phil said, reappearing on the second-floor landing overlooking the library's main floor. "They fight."
Rarity stroked the agitated alicorn's shoulder. "There, there. I know just how you feel. Just relax."
The handsome alicorn nickered and took a few deep breaths. "Thank you. Poor color coordination—it always gets to me." He pulled himself up straight again. "But I'm fine now."
"Just calm down and relax," Rarity said, moving on down to stroke his heavily-muscled chest.
"No, really, I'm fine," he said, taking a step back.
"Just... relax," she repeated through gritted teeth, lunging forward and trying to keep her grip.
Phil trotted back down the stairs and rejoined the others. "I took a look around, but I got nothin'."
"You an' me both," Applejack said.
The brown earth pony nodded glumly. Then his expression brightened. "I know a guy who might have an idea, though. Lemme see." He strode over to Pinkie Pie and looked deep into her eyes.
"Ooh, is this a staring contest?" she asked. "I'm REALLY good at staring except when I get distracted which now that I think about it is always but Fluttershy's EVEN BETTER!"
"Hmm," Phil said. He gave Pinkie a few sharp raps on her head.
"Hee-hee!" Pinkie giggled, rubbing her head. "That hurt!"
"It's no good," Rainbow said. "Nopony's home."
"Can't be sure," Phil said. "It is a Thursday. But it's worth a try."
"Lookie here, mister," Applejack said. "I reckon giving Pinkie a few blows to the head can't do any harm, but how's it going to help get Twilight to come out of that there shower?"
"Have you tried offering her a nice hot cup of tea?" the Doctor asked.
Applejack snorted. "If she didn't come out for my apple fritters, I hardly think you'd lure her out with a cup a' leaf soup and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?" She shied back from the Doctor, raising one hoof defensively, and glanced around the room for any other intruders.
Fluttershy was peeking out from under her hooves, and Rainbow Dash was sitting with her rump on the floor and a dazed look in her eyes. "He just climbed... out of Pinkie's mane."
"Yeah," Phil said, "she's a ptardis. You didn't know that?"
"I'm bigger on the inside!" Pinkie Pie shouted.
"Hey!" Rainbow stuck her neck out angrily at Phil. "'Course we know. But we don't say it."
"No, no," the Doctor said, tapping Rainbow on the shoulder. "A P.T.A.R.D.I.S."
Applejack eyed the brown earth pony and the Doctor suspiciously. "What in tarnation is a—"
"No time," said the Doctor, cutting her off with one hoof.
"Why do you always say that?" Phil asked. "I mean, you've got a—"
"No time. So what's got all these ponies hot and bothered? Is it that time of year again already?"
Spike shook his head and quickly explained the situation to the Doctor, who nodded attentively as he listened. "There's one thing I don't understand," he said when Spike was done. "Why did you call on Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade? Why don't you ask her friends the Princesses to go in after her?"
"Uh... we tried that last time," Spike said, blushing a deep red and looking down at the floor.
"Wait," the Doctor said. "This has happened before? What made her stop last time?"
"We asked the princesses to go in after her," Spike said, shutting his eyes tightly.
"What—"
"No time," said Spike.
"Oh, don't worry about that, I've got a—"
"No TIME!" Spike roared, and a gout of green flame licked at the Doctor's nose whiskers.
"They did come out eventually," Applejack pointed out. Spike winced.
"I could go in after her," Fluttershy offered.
"All right, then," the Doctor said. "I've seen cases something like this before. It might be the, I mean, when a big buildup of magical energy gets sent through water there's a sort of a wobbling—"
"Checked for that already," Phil said.
"Did you? Good pony. What about the lines of the—"
"Nope," Phil said. "But I was thinking, what with all the birds nearby, and the humidity—"
"Well, it is a Thursday," the Doctor agreed. "But I doubt that's the problem. By any chance is the bathtub perfectly elliptical?"
Phil shook his head. "Good idea, but there's no sign of acoustic fractures."
"Magnetised plumbing?"
"She's non-ferrous."
"You know the only thing left is, well, I didn't say it before because it seemed too obvious, but you know how these bookish types are—"
"That just could be it," Phil agreed, rubbing his chin.
"Try it out and let me know. Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush." The Doctor put one hoof up to Pinkie's mane, then paused. "Miss Dash, you might want to look away for a moment."
"Eeeearar-blururgh!" Rainbow Dash said.
"That was a mite disturbing," Applejack agreed.
"Mmm," said Fluttershy thoughtfully.
"Pinkie," Phil said, "I need a bottle of shampoo."
"Sure thing!" Pinkie said, and pulled one from her mane.
Phil took the bottle in one hoof and inspected it carefully. "Hmm. Yeah, this'll do. Come on, Rarity—hey, Rarity! I need you to do a little levitation spell. The rest of you wait here." He trotted upstairs, with Rarity trailing along behind reluctantly, still casting glances at the alicorn as he posed handsomely while pondering the decor.
Spike and the four ponies sat watching and waiting, getting as close as they dared to the bottom of the stairs. Phil and Rarity returned less than a minute later.
"Yep," Phil said, "that should do it. Here's your problem." He held out a different bottle of shampoo. The ponies gathered round and sniffed at it hesitantly.
"I don't get it," Rainbow said.
"Here," Phil said, pointing to something printed on the bottle.
Spike peered closely at where he was pointing. "It says, Lather—Rinse—Repeat."
"Yup. Poor kid was stuck in an algorithm. Happens sometimes to these brainy types." He shook his head sadly. "She oughta know better than to try a strange algorithm without consulting an oracle."
Just then Twilight emerged from the bathroom, shaking her mane and spraying them with a light mist of water droplets. "My," she said, "I thought I'd never finish!"
"TWILIGHT!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing up the steps toward her.
"Sweet buttery Celestia!" Applejack whooped. "You're a sight for sore eyes, sister!"
"Oh, my dear, I thought we'd lost you forever!" Rarity wailed.
"It's very nice to see you again," Fluttershy said quietly.
"You look like a prune!" Rainbow said.
"Rainbow, it's not nice to tease somepony about their color. But I'll overlook it, because I'm feeling positively wonder—"
Twilight broke off in mid-sentence, noticing the black-and-red alicorn humming to himself as he placed a final, black-covered book on top of a pyramid of books he'd stacked in the center of the room, their spines to the outside, the books chosen and arranged so that a rainbow stripe ran horizontally around the outside, shading from white at the bottom to black at the peak. Most of the other bookshelves had been rearranged to radiate outward from it.
"What," Twilight said.
"Do you like it?" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called up to her. "It's HSV space! Only you didn't have enough white books for the base. I had to paint some."
The librarian stood frozen at the top of the steps like a purple statue. The only movement she made was a spasmodic twitching under one eye.
"Do y'all feel something?" Applejack said.
In the library behind them, books began to slide slowly about on their shelves. Several fell to the floor with loud thumps, one after another. Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade jerked his head up in alarm, and darted back and forth around his color pyramid, trying to prod books that were shifting and sliding back into place.
"Feels like an earthquake," Spike said, looking around.
"I think it's Twilight!" Rarity exclaimed. And, indeed, looking closer, they could see that Twilight's still-frozen body was vibrating, with an ever-increasing amplitude, until it was blurred around the edges. Her eyes and horn began to glow white, and then her skin. The air was filled with the sharp smell of ozone. Behind them, a bookcase fell over with a loud bang.
"WHAT," boomed the not-quite-Twilight in a much deeper voice than usual, which echoed longer than was acoustically possible, "HAVE YOU DONE"—the remaining bookcases began to topple, knocking others down like dominoes—"TO MY LIBRARY?!" As she spoke these final words, her eyes shone red, and there was a sudden flash of dark un-light, and when everypony could open their eyes again Twilight stood at the top of the stairs, tall and majestic, with a proud, commanding look in her eyes, and she snapped her broad wings open wide.
"So that's how alicorns are made!" Pinkie said.
Then Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade blinked, and raised his head high, and looked at Twilight with narrowed eyes. "Why?" he asked quietly. He tilted his head slowly to one side, and steam began to rise from his nostrils. "Don't you like it?"
"Pinkie, I think you'll be okay, but everypony else has to get out of here," Phil said hurriedly, and flung the front door open. "Get a safe distance away!"
Pinkie sat on a reading table, watching the two alicorns and munching on a box of popcorn, fresh from wherever. "Wait!" Rarity called after Phil. "What's a safe distance?" But the brown earth pony had already answered by galloping off down the road out of Ponyville.
