Anon the Poniceman

by Uh-hmmm

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person
Length: 3566

Ponicemares risk skinned knees and noogies for the sake of the innocent. Now, if only Anon could get out of this desk job and actually make a difference... (RGRE) {This story has two versions, the last chapter is the first person version.}

Anon had a bad feeling when he saw the ice cream machine outside Firmly Asked Questions. Not only was the world softer and fluffier than he had anticipated, but he would also have to watch his weight.
{This story has two versions, the last chapter is the first person version.}
(RGRE)

Published 2019-01-07 04:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-30 15:42:08 UTC

Chapter Only (Second Person POV)

You are Anon, poniceman in a ponicemare's world. You figured you'd be better suited to handling the criminal element than all these marshmallow ponies. You were right, but you forgot two things:

You are a stallion

The criminals are marshmallow ponies too.

So here you are, stuck behind a desk while your fellow officers risk noogies and skinned knees. They only come to you when-

"Oh hey, chief. What's up?"

Gruff Puff looks grim.

"The bad pony who stole the ambassador's teddy bear won't talk. The ambassador hasn't had beddy bye for two nights."

She places a hoof on your shoulder, you can see how much she hates asking this of you.

"Could you persuade the bad pony to cooperate?"

You do your best to keep a straight face.

"I'll handle it, chief."

Gruff Puff gives a firm nod, then strides away. You make your way down to Firmly Asked Questions, stretching your arms to get you ready. The few ponicemares you pass give you sympathetic looks. You open the door to the hard chair room, and a roguish mare looks you over. You return the favor as you sit across the small tea set from her. Earth pony, grey coat, her black mane cropped at the jaw. She smirks.

"You have the wrong mare, Sweetflanks. Unless you have plans for me after you let me go?"

You just give her a flat stare. The smirk begins to falter. You methodically move the tea set onto the floor, piece by piece, letting the clatter sound in the small room. She watches you warily, uncertain. Once the table is clear, you stand up. The mare gets to her hooves too, tensing. It doesn't matter, you're quicker. You lean across and snatch her up into your arms, cradling her on her back.

"H-hey! What do you think you're doing?"

You bring her face close to yours, muddling her mind with your breath and scent. At last you speak.

"I'm disappointed, little filly."

Her eyes go wide, her struggling limbs slowing. You frown deeply.

"I thought I raised you better than this."

"Wha-"

"DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, FILLY!"

She freezes, assaulted by the raw force of your paternal presence.

"Y-yes papa."

You begin rocking her gently.

"I know you're not a bad filly."

You stroke some of her mane out of the way, gazing into her teary eyes.

"You just made a mistake, that's all. Now, why don't you tell me where you hid the colt's teddy, and then we can get you some ice cream?"

She sniffles.

"Really?"

You nuzzle her a little.

"Really."

She spills the beans and you send a mare to retrieve the teddy. Then you guide the shell shocked thief to the department ice cream machine and keep your word. After that, Gruff Puff gives her a stern talking to, and sees her to the door. The thief looks over her shoulder at you, blushing in embarrassment.

"W-would it be alright if we talked again?"

You give her a smile.

"Sure, just make an appointment with the front desk."

She smiles then.

"Thanks! I'll be good now."

You give her a wave, then return to the office. Gruff Puff walks beside you, eyeing you worriedly.

"You can take the rest of the day off, if you like. FAQ always takes a lot out of me, I can't imagine what it's like for a stallion like you."

You ruffle her mane, a little irritated by the consideration.

"I'll be fine, and I'd hate to let the paperwork pile up too much."

She unscrunches.

"Right, well. I know I've said it before, but the department's lucky to have a stallion like you on the force."

You grin.

"You just like staring at my butt."

Gruff Puff hits you on the arm, hitting like a marshmallow bouncing off a side of beef.

"I'm far too old for frisky colts like you. If you aren't going home, then get to work."

"Aye Aye chief."

She nods and retreats to her office. Just another day on the job.

___________________________________

It finally happened! Your campaign of suggestion, mild seduction, and the casual mention of a concern about your weight has finally paid off. You're on patrol! Admittedly in the quietest part of the city, with two mare officers accompanying you, but that's not important.

It feels good to walk around in your uniform, stretching your legs, keeping a watchful eye out for crime. The citizens you pass look at you with respect, deferentially looking down and blushing when you greet them casually. A weather team pushes some clouds over the central park, a few of the mares gesturing towards you.

"Hey tripod! Trot for us!

They laugh raucously. Downy Draft fluffs up angrily, her wings rustling. You look at her.

"What's up?"

The pegasus ponice officer scowls.

"Ponies like that give us pegasi a bad name."

You tilt your head.

"Reckon we should do something about that?"

Downy grins.

"Be my guest."

Point Hexter gives you an unimpressed look, but doesn't say anything. You turn towards the weather team and get serious.

"Hey! You three, get down here!"

The catcallers glance at each other and shrug. They swoop down and land about five feet away. The lead mare is gazing in what you have come to recognize as the crotchward direction.

"Can we help you, officer?"

You snap your fingers loudly, directing their gaze upward. Then you pour on the scowl. Ponies aren't great at shows of displeasure, but they're used to being scrunched at from time to time. That's not what you're doing.

Your forehead wrinkles, your frown deepens, you start a low rumble in the back of your throat. All five mares' eyes shrink to pinpricks. You bare your teeth in a silent snarl.

"I thought Manehatten weather teams were the best in Equestria. I thought they were professional, hard working mares."

One of the catcaller's wings slowly extend, her face reddening.

Just.

Ignore that.

"I better not hear about this again, understand?"

They nod once, then flee. Downy exhales shakily.

"Tarturus, Anon, remind me never to make you angry."

"Whaaaat? Why would you ever worry about angering a harmless little stallion like me?"

Point Hexter snorts.

"You are neither little nor harmless, officer Anonymous. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt whether or not you are even a stallion."

You rock back in mock pain.

"Whoa, sick burns from officer cold shoulder!"

She gives you a flat look as Downy giggles.

"My name is Point Hexter. Enough of this, we have a beat to patrol. I suggest we do so."

"Good point, Hexter. I'll try to reign in my shenanigans."

She nods sternly and takes the lead position. You fall into step with Downy. The pegasus beckons you closer with a wing, glancing at the unicorn. You lean down so she can whisper.

"Don't worry, she's just being a hardflank because she doesn't swing your way. Normally she's much nicer."

You look speculatively at Point Hexter.

"Doesn't that also mean that she likes you? Like, like like?"

Point Hexter glares at you over her shoulder, her face reddening.

"That is none of your business."

You hold up your hands in surrender. Downy Draft grins.

"He's going to hear about from somepony. Pointy and I...we have a somewhat special arrangement. We won't herd, even though I am bi."

You shrug.

"Sounds reasonable."

Hexter stops and jabs a hoof out at you.

"See? Even he thinks so!"

Downy ruffles her wings in a pegasusy shrug.

"I wasn't raised as liberally as you two. Doesn't feel like a herd unless there's a stallion to take care of the foals. I still love you, pokeymuffin."

Hexter blushes furiously, then does an about face.

"Th-that's enough talking, everypony. We're on duty, let's act like it."

You throw a mock salute.

"Yes ma'am!"

Downy smiles, and the three of you continue.

Point Sexter had mostly gotten back to normal by the time the patrol found a stallion staring fretfully up into a densely limbed tree. Hexter glances significantly at you and Downy, then leads the way over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

The stallion paws nervously at the ground.

"My foal is up there! Please, get him before he falls!"

Sounds like a job for officer monkey.

"He'll be down in a jiffy, sir."

"Anon-"

You scramble up the trunk, focused on the little colt up in the branches. You make it a few more feet before the little guy starts glowing and drifting down past you. You look down to see Point Hexter smirk at you, the colt soon reunited with his father. Laugh it up, fuzzball. When you make it back down, the two males had already wandered off. Hexter clears her throat.

"I realize you want to be a powerful, self-reliant stallion that does not require the assistance of any mare, but we are on a patrol for a reason. I recognize the brutish strength of your monkey race, please do the same for my magic and Downy's flight."

You glance sidelong at Downy.

"Your marefriend has a sharp tongue."

"Well,"

"I like it! At any rate, I apologize Point Hexter, I will strive to be more aware of the individual strengths of this team, and my place in that."

The unicorn gives you a rare smile.

"See that you do. Shall we go on?"

The rest of the day passes in a golden blur of small favors and the occasional stern lecture. When you get back to the station, Gruff Puff is waiting for you. Point Hexter steps forward.

"I am glad to report that officer Anonymous has successfully integrated into our patrol. We would have no objections if this would become his permanent assignment."

Gruff nods, not too surprised.

"Good, good. I do have one question, though."

Hexter looks attentively. Gruff Puff pulls out a hoofwritten letter.

"Why do I have a written apology from the major of the the weather team for her actions towards a stallion officer?"

...

"Wait, that was the major of the whole-"

Downy breaks down giggling. You round on her.

"You knew!"

The pegasus gasps for air.

"It was priceless! She'll never live down getting tongue-lashed by a rookie ponicestallion!"

Point Hexter is smirking at you again. Gruff Puff is coughing suspiciously into her hoof. You raise your hands imploringly to the uncaring ponicestation ceiling.

"Mares!"

Hexter grins.

"And now you finally act like a true stallion."

You stalk off to your desk while the three collapse in laughter. You have a job to do, and not even the mockery of lesbians and a cougar will keep you from it.

Chapter Only (First Person POV)

I am Anon, poniceman in a ponicemare's world. I figured I’d be better suited to handling the criminal element than all these marshmallow ponies. I was right, but I forgot two things:

I am a stallion

The criminals are marshmallow ponies too.

So here I am, stuck behind a desk while my fellow officers risk noogies and skinned knees. They only come to me when-

"Oh hey, chief. What's up?"

Gruff Puff looks grim.

"The bad pony who stole the ambassador's teddy bear won't talk. The ambassador hasn't had beddy bye for two nights."

She places a hoof on my shoulder, I can see how much she hates asking this of me.

"Could you persuade the bad pony to cooperate?"

I do my best to keep a straight face.

"I'll handle it, chief."

Gruff Puff gives a firm nod, then strides away. I make my way down to Firmly Asked Questions, stretching my arms to get me ready. The few ponicemares I pass give me sympathetic looks. I open the door to the hard chair room, and a roguish mare looks me over. I return the favor as I sit across the small tea set from her. Earth pony, grey coat, her black mane cropped at the jaw. She smirks.

"You have the wrong mare, Sweetflanks. Unless you have plans for me after you let me go?"

I just give her a flat stare. The smirk begins to falter. I methodically move the tea set onto the floor, piece by piece, letting the clatter sound in the small room. She watches me warily, uncertain. Once the table is clear, I stand up. The mare gets to her hooves too, tensing. It doesn't matter, I’m quicker. I lean across and snatch her up into my arms, cradling her on her back.

"H-hey! What do you think you're doing?"

I bring her face close to mine, muddling her mind with my breath and scent. At last I speak.

"I'm disappointed, little filly."

Her eyes go wide, her struggling limbs slowing. I frown deeply.

"I thought I raised you better than this."

"Wha-"

"DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, FILLY!"

She freezes, assaulted by the raw force of my paternal presence.

"Y-yes papa."

I begin rocking her gently.

"I know you're not a bad filly."

I stroke some of her mane out of the way, gazing into her teary eyes.

"You just made a mistake, that's all. Now, why don't you tell me where you hid the colt's teddy, and then we can get you some ice cream?"

She sniffles.

"Really?"

I nuzzle her a little.

"Really."

She spills the beans and I send a mare to retrieve the teddy. Then I guide the shell shocked thief to the department ice cream machine and keep my word. After that, Gruff Puff gives her a stern talking to, and sees her to the door. The thief looks over her shoulder at me, blushing in embarrassment.

"W-would it be alright if we talked again?"

I give her a smile.

"Sure, just make an appointment with the front desk."

She smiles then.

"Thanks! I'll be good now."

I give her a wave, then return to the office. Gruff Puff walks beside me, eyeing me worriedly.

"You can take the rest of the day off, if you like. FAQ always takes a lot out of me, I can't imagine what it's like for a stallion like you."

I ruffle her mane, a little irritated by the consideration.

"I'll be fine, and I'd hate to let the paperwork pile up too much."

She unscrunches.

"Right, well. I know I've said it before, but the department's lucky to have a stallion like you on the force."

I grin.

"You just like staring at my butt."

Gruff Puff hits me on the arm, hitting like a marshmallow bouncing off a side of beef.

"I'm far too old for frisky colts like you. If you aren't going home, then get to work."

"Aye Aye chief."

She nods and retreats to her office. Just another day on the job.

___________________________________

It finally happened! My campaign of suggestion, mild seduction, and the casual mention of a concern about my weight has finally paid off. I’m on patrol! Admittedly in the quietest part of the city, with two mare officers accompanying me, but that's not important.

It feels good to walk around in my uniform, stretching my legs, keeping a watchful eye out for crime. The citizens I pass look at me with respect, deferentially looking down and blushing when I greet them casually. A weather team pushes some clouds over the central park, a few of the mares gesturing towards me.

"Hey tripod! Trot for us!

They laugh raucously. Downy Draft fluffs up angrily, her wings rustling. I look at her.

"What's up?"

The pegasus ponice officer scowls.

"Ponies like that give us pegasi a bad name."

I tilt my head.

"Reckon we should do something about that?"

Downy grins.

"Be my guest."

Point Hexter gives me an unimpressed look, but doesn't say anything. I turn towards the weather team and get serious.

"Hey! You three, get down here!"

The catcallers glance at each other and shrug. They swoop down and land about five feet away. The lead mare is gazing in what I have come to recognize as the crotchward direction.

"Can we help you, officer?"

I snap my fingers loudly, directing their gaze upward. Then I pour on the scowl. Ponies aren't great at shows of displeasure, but they're used to being scrunched at from time to time. That's not what I’m doing.

My forehead wrinkles, my frown deepens, I start a low rumble in the back of my throat. All five mares' eyes shrink to pinpricks. I bare my teeth in a silent snarl.

"I thought Manehatten weather teams were the best in Equestria. I thought they were professional, hard working mares."

One of the catcaller's wings slowly extend, her face reddening.

Just.

Ignore that.

"I better not hear about this again, understand?"

They nod once, then flee. Downy exhales shakily.

"Tarturus, Anon, remind me never to make you angry."

"Whaaaat? Why would you ever worry about angering a harmless little stallion like me?"

Point Hexter snorts.

"You are neither little nor harmless, officer Anonymous. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt whether or not you are even a stallion."

I rock back in mock pain.

"Whoa, sick burns from officer cold shoulder!"

She gives me a flat look as Downy giggles.

"My name is Point Hexter. Enough of this, we have a beat to patrol. I suggest we do so."

"Good point, Hexter. I'll try to reign in my shenanigans."

She nods sternly and takes the lead position. I fall into step with Downy. The pegasus beckons me closer with a wing, glancing at the unicorn. I lean down so she can whisper.

"Don't worry, she's just being a hardflank because she doesn't swing your way. Normally she's much nicer."

I look speculatively at Point Hexter.

"Doesn't that also mean that she likes you? Like, like like?"

Point Hexter glares at me over her shoulder, her face reddening.

"That is none of your business."

I hold up my hands in surrender. Downy Draft grins.

"He's going to hear about from somepony. Pointy and I...we have a somewhat special arrangement. We won't herd, even though I am bi."

I shrug.

"Sounds reasonable."

Hexter stops and jabs a hoof out at me.

"See? Even he thinks so!"

Downy ruffles her wings in a pegasusy shrug.

"I wasn't raised as liberally as you two. Doesn't feel like a herd unless there's a stallion to take care of the foals. I still love you, pokeymuffin."

Hexter blushes furiously, then does an about face.

"Th-that's enough talking, everypony. We're on duty, let's act like it."

I throw a mock salute.

"Yes ma'am!"

Downy smiles, and the three of us continue.

Point Sexter had mostly gotten back to normal by the time the patrol found a stallion staring fretfully up into a densely limbed tree. Hexter glances significantly at me and Downy, then leads the way over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

The stallion paws nervously at the ground.

"My foal is up there! Please, get him before he falls!"

Sounds like a job for officer monkey.

"He'll be down in a jiffy, sir."

"Anon-"

I scramble up the trunk, focused on the little colt up in the branches. I make it a few more feet before the little guy starts glowing and drifting down past me. I look down to see Point Hexter smirk at me, the colt soon reunited with his father. Laugh it up, fuzzball. When I make it back down, the two males had already wandered off. Hexter clears her throat.

"I realize you want to be a powerful, self-reliant stallion that does not require the assistance of any mare, but we are on a patrol for a reason. I recognize the brutish strength of your monkey race, please do the same for my magic and Downy's flight."

I glance sidelong at Downy.

"Your marefriend has a sharp tongue."

"Well,"

"I like it! At any rate, I apologize Point Hexter, I will strive to be more aware of the individual strengths of this team, and my place in that."

The unicorn gives me a rare smile.

"See that you do. Shall we go on?"

The rest of the day passes in a golden blur of small favors and the occasional stern lecture. When I get back to the station, Gruff Puff is waiting for me. Point Hexter steps forward.

"I am glad to report that officer Anonymous has successfully integrated into our patrol. We would have no objections if this would become his permanent assignment."

Gruff nods, not too surprised.

"Good, good. I do have one question, though."

Hexter looks attentively. Gruff Puff pulls out a hoofwritten letter.

"Why do I have a written apology from the major of the the weather team for her actions towards a stallion officer?"

...

"Wait, that was the major of the whole-"

Downy breaks down giggling. I round on her.

"You knew!"

The pegasus gasps for air.

"It was priceless! She'll never live down getting tongue-lashed by a rookie ponicestallion!"

Point Hexter is smirking at me again. Gruff Puff is coughing suspiciously into her hoof. I raise my hands imploringly to the uncaring ponicestation ceiling.

"Mares!"

Hexter grins.

"And now you finally act like a true stallion."

I stalk off to my desk while the three collapse in laughter. I have a job to do, and not even the mockery of lesbians and a cougar will keep me from it.