Flash Sentry Calls an Uber

by MythrilMoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Equestria Girls, Random, Sex, Flash Sentry
Length: 4640

Flash Sentry calls an Uber.

Flash Sentry calls an Uber.

Just another entry in this ongoing tennis match.

Published 2019-01-08 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-12 20:40:00 UTC

Sunday

Flash Sentry sighed, shoulders slumped, as he watched the tow truck haul what was left of his beloved Mustang up on its winch. The second tow truck was having considerably more difficulty with the compact SUV that had T-boned him; its front looked like a busted accordion, and one of its wheels was bent outward at an awkward angle. Nearby, a woman his mother's age was consoling a shaking, nervous girl with short seafoam-green hair, who looked like she was about to fall to pieces.

The tow truck driver walked up to him, a toothpick sticking out his mouth. "Only got room for them," he grunted. "Got a ride you can call?"

Flash nodded. "I'll call an Uber," he said. The driver grunted and trudged off. Flash sighed again, watching the trucks rumble off with the two young women and his baby, then thumbed through his phone until he found the Uber app. Once he'd requested a ride, he found a relatively clean stretch of curb on which to sit down and wait.

Thirty minutes and a whole lot of Candy Crush later, a rust-red minivan glided smoothly up to Flash, its electric motor humming silently and its headlights' dim glow shedding soft light onto the asphalt. Flash stood up, gathering up his guitar and his tote bag, and climbed into the minivan. He started as he looked toward the front and nearly tumbled right back out.

The man behind the driver's seat was wearing a full-body elk costume, complete with massive, pointy antlers. "Uhh..."

"Boomer wants to fly away, away from here, yes yes yes?" the elk-man asked raspily, his voice deep and harsh.

"Umm...y-yes?" Flash said hesitantly. "Uhh..."

"Boomer stands around spitting too much!" the elk-man grunted. "Hurry up! Nancy Jane wastes glimmer while you spit!"

"R-right," Flash said hastily, swallowing. *What the hell IS this?!* He settled into the seat, stowed his things, and buckled in; the elk-man pulled smoothly away from the curb and turned around, guiding the minivan back onto the road. "Are you...going to a convention or something?" he asked hesitantly.

"Guitar boomer will not spit while riding in Nancy Jane," the elk-man grunted. "No leaving garbage or gum or turds or things on the floor or seats."

Twenty minutes later, the minivan coasted to a stop outside Flash's house. He gathered up his things, thanked the odd driver, and got out. He had barely even closed the door when the minivan took off again. Shaking his head, Flash went around to the back door and let himself in.

In the kitchen, his father, Vance Sentry, looked up at him, a pained grimace on his face. "Got your text," he said. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," Flash said, rolling his shoulder and wincing. "Just really shaken up. And bummed out. The car's totaled."

Vance sighed. "Well, all we can do is hope her insurance will take care of it."

"Yeah, but now I'm screwed for getting to work and back," Flash said miserably. "I'd just gotten my summer job, too."

Vance grunted. "Well, I can get you to work, but you're on your own for getting home," he said. "Looks like you'll be using up your first paycheck on Uber."

Flash sighed. "Great," he muttered. "The Uber drivers in this town are total kooks."

Vance chortled. "Come on, son, it won't be all that bad..."

Author's Note

I hope I handled a certain elk respectfully, it's been a while since I last left off reading that particular massive colon dump of horsewords.

Monday

Author's Note

DISCLAIMER: I know the car and driver described in this chapter would never pass Uber's minimum requirements. But this is a comedy fanfic, so...chillax and roll with it, mmkay? :raritywink:

Monday

Flash's first official day on his new job at the music store in the mall was exhausting, frustrating, and mind-numbingly boring. When his shift ended and he clocked out, all he could think about was grabbing a cold smoothie and heading home to rest. After sending for an Uber, he stopped by the smoothie bar, where he chatted with Applejack for a minute while she made his order. By the time he had a cold smoothie in hand, the app had signalled his ride's arrival. Flash bade Applejack farewell and headed for the exit.

When Flash found his ride, he stared at it in dismay. The car was probably older than his dad; its vomit green paint was peeling in places, and oily smoke belched from its muffler, which rattled ominously. He hesitated, shuffling his feet on the pavement.

The passenger side window rolled down. "Ey, you called for a ride, ese? You gettin' in or what? ¡Ándele, pendejo!"

Flash shook himself and, with trepidation, got into the back seat. As soon as he was in the car, a stench assailed his nostrils. The entire compartment reeked of something pungent, musky, and smoky. He started to feel lightheaded.

The car started moving before he even got the door properly closed, nearly throwing him out again. He scrambled to yank the door closed and fumbled around for a seatbelt, but found none. The muffler roared and the suspension shook as the car rumbled out of the lot.

The driver turned to look back at Flash. He was somewhere around Flash's dad's age, with leathery skin and a thick, bushy, greying mustache. "Ey, you go to CHS, right?"

"Yeah," Flash said.

The driver chuckled, nodding his head as he turned to look forward. "I love CHS, ese. Principal Celestia? Nngh, bet she's got some fine pussy." His smirk filled the rear view mirror. "I'd put that bitch over a table and go down on that pussy, man, I'd eat that bitch out all night ese!"

Flash frowned, his hands curling in his lap.

"But them Rainbooms, man? Them chicks with the band? Ffffsss..." The driver made a rapid lip-flapping sucking sound. "Mmm-UM! Now that is some pussy buffet! Blue pussy, yellow pussy, pink pussy, purple pussy, orange pussy, white pussy, cowgirl pussy..." The muffler let out a spectacular fart, and the entire car lurched. "You ever get any of that pussy, ese?"

"Those girls happen to be my friends," Flash said tightly.

The driver exploded in wheezing laughter. "Oh, man, you so LUCKY, ese! Shit, man, I bet you get all that pussy! Hey. Which one has the best pussy, huh?"

Flash felt bile rising in his throat. "Stop the car," he said roughly. "I'm getting out here."

The driver looked back at him, his face tight, his smile dropping. "Ey, man, what gives? We just talking here, ese!"

"I said stop the car," Flash repeated. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to this crap."

The driver spat off to his side and grunted. "Little bitch," he said, pulling over to the curb. "Get the fuck out, little punk faggot!"

Flash opened the door and got out, slamming it behind him. The driver hauled himself up out of his window and turned to look at Flash. "Punk faggot bitch!" he snarled. "Fuck you think you better than me, bitch? Fucking little faggot punk!"

A police cruiser turned onto the street. The driver abruptly ducked into his car and trundled away. Flash squared his shoulders, grunted under his breath, and started walking, checking his phone for bus stops. He sighed; the nearest stop to his location was a good fifteen minute walk, then a thirty minute wait for a bus, and then another thirty minute walk from the stop nearest his house to home.

"Ugh..." His head slumped. "Shoulda just put up with that asshole..."

Tuesday

Flash stared at the car and its driver in sheer disbelief.

Waiting for him at the curb was a Mini Cooper with the top down. The car itself was a glossy dark pink with a glacier blue interior and a darker blue top. Seated in the driver's seat was a familiar girl with light blue skin, whose glacier blue hair with two darker blue stripes was pulled up in a high ponytail.

She smiled brightly at him. "Hi, ready to go?"

He pointed dazedly at her. "You're...one of the Dazzlings," he said. "The...same ones who—"

"Yeah yeah," Sonata Dusk said, rolling her eyes. "But that was a long time ago and you can't possibly still be holding a grudge over that, right?" She opened the passenger side door. "C'mon, I'm just gonna drive you around. No evil, no magic, nothing but a normal ride."

Flash hesitated, but ultimately shrugged and got in, tossing his bag in the back as he buckled up. Sonata pulled out of the mall parking lot, checking her mirrors, driving at a normal speed, humming tunelessly as she drove. Flash found himself surprised, honestly, at how professional and normal she was being.

Then, three blocks from his house, she suddenly took a wrong turn.

"Umm...my house is that way," Flash said.

"Oh I know," Sonata said. "But I'm hungry. I'm just gonna swing back around and hit up Los Tacos Hermanos real quick."

Flash blinked. "Uhh...that's like five miles from here in the wrong direction."

Sonata giggled. "It's just a side trip," she said. "I just wanna get there while the Taco Tuesday discounts are still on." She batted her eyelashes at Flash. "You don't mind, do you? I mean, are you in that big a hurry to get home?"

Flash started to protest. Then his stomach rumbled. He remembered, quite suddenly, that he'd actually missed his lunch break because of a minor disaster at the store. He shrugged. "Actually, I could eat," he said. "Go for it."

"Yay!" Sonata suddenly floored the gas pedal; the Mini's engine roared as it shot down the road at well over the speed limit.

"HEY!" Flash cried as he was thrown back against the back of his seat. "What the—"

"Gotta vroom!" Sonata declared, a wicked grin on her face as she leaned forward into the steering wheel. The car hit a brief but steep incline and gained air briefly, sailing twice its length before touching down roughly, its suspension squealing as the shudder of impact jolted through the frame, making Flash's teeth vibrate painfully.

"Speed limit! SPEED LIMIT!" Flash cried, clinging for dear life to the side of the car.

"Speed limits are for pussies!" Sonata declared dismissively.

"You have a pussy!" Flash retorted.

Sonata blinked, then blushed. "L-lewd!" she shouted. "I'm putting a sexual harassment note on your rating for that!"

"Just...just drive legal, okay?!"

Sonata rolled her eyes. "Fine, Mr. Grumplestiltskin," she muttered, slowing down to just a hair over the limit. "I guess it'll be nice not to have to clean as many splattered cats off the car this week..."

"There's something seriously wrong with you," Flash said, staring at Sonata in disbelief.

"I'm a thousand year old sea monster from another dimension," Sonata said in a bored tone. "What's your excuse?"

As Flash floundered for a retort, Sonata turned on the car stereo, filling the car with a pounding Eurotrash beat. "Oh, sweet God," Flash moaned as Sonata began cheerfully la-la-la'ing along with the song, swaying back and forth in the driver's seat. "You actually like this shit?"

"Mm-hmm!" Sonata said chipperly, tapping her fingers against the steering wheel in time with the beat.

Flash shook his head. After a full chorus, he said, "Good sound though. The car, I mean."

"Yeah, I tricked it out," Sonata said. "I don't even have my subwoofer on," she added with a grin. "I keep it turned off when I'm running rideshare because it kinda ticks off the cops, know what I mean?"

"Yikes."

A few minutes later, they came to the tangled nest of overpasses, offramps, and service roads where three highways intersected, which were dominated by a dozen different fast food places, two car dealerships, and a haphazard collection of other retail shops and other businesses. Their two lanes of service road were completely plugged with cars; signs posted above the road flashed updates on an accident up ahead and estimated wait times. Sonata coasted to a stop behind a powder blue PT Cruiser and whined. "Awww, come on!" she wailed. "Tacos! They're RIGHT OVER THERE!" She threw out her hands, emphasizing the presumed location of Los Tacos Hermanos (Flash guesstimated it was still a mile or so away) as her ponytail flailed wildly about. "Greeeeeeeat," Sonata moaned. "Why?!"

Flash frowned. On the one hand, he could blame this situation entirely on Sonata. She'd taken a detour off the route, which Uber drivers weren't supposed to do, and gotten them stuck in a traffic jam on the other end of town from his house when they'd been almost there earlier. On the other hand, he'd agreed to the detour, which meant this was just as much his fault as hers. Worse, if he got out now and arranged another ride, it wouldn't make much of a difference—he'd still get stuck in this traffic nightmare, because the only way out was through.

Sonata checked the time and let out an eep. "Oh no, we're gonna miss half price chalupas and fifty cent sides!" she complained. "The daily specials expire in ten minutes, and we're stuck here for..." She looked up at the sign. "Longer!"

Flash shrugged. "So we pay full price and get less food," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"NO!" Sonata declared fiercely. "I'm not gonna let this stupid traffic jam ruin Taco Tuesday for me!" She started fiddling with buttons on the car stereo, then gripped the wheel firmly. "Grab hold of something," she growled.

Flash glanced at her in alarm. "What're you do—"

And that's when the bass dropped.

The Mini Cooper JUMPED into the air, as did every car around it. The ground shook violently. Sonata revved the engine, aimed for a gap between two cars on her right, and shot through, going up on the right two wheels as the bass DROPPED again and skiing between cars until she hopped up onto the sidewalk. The car came back down on four wheels, scattering pedestrians and shaking the ground as Sonata drove along the curb, forcing people to jump out of her path.

"WHAT! THE! FUCK!" Flash roared over the pounding, angry gangsta rap booming out of the stereo.

"Calm your joobies," Sonata said sweetly, a wicked grin splitting her face. "I do this like, all the time."

"And you still have a license?!"

"Hang on, we're coming in hot!" Sonata called as a powerful THUMP of her subwoofer launched the Mini into the air and over a cross street, the tires skidding across the top of a mid-sized car before clearing the curb and slamming down in the parking lot of Los Tacos Hermanos—just feet from the crowded drive-thru line. Sonata jerked the wheel hard to the right, turning the car into a violent skidding turn and knocking it back up on its right wheels. For three horrifying seconds, Flash was completely upside-down as Sonata skirted past the line of cars in the drive-thru before somehow managing to U-skid into an open parking space, at which point her car slammed down on all fours. She killed the subwoofer and cut the engine, then sat back against her seat, panting heavily. "Whew! Made it!"

Every bone in Flash's body shuddered and creaked. His pulse pounded in his ears. He wasn't entirely sure his hair was still blue. His stomach lurched and his lungs squirmed. "You. Are. INSANE," he gasped out.

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Sonata said absently, digging a pinkie finger in her left ear. "More importantly, tacos! Let's go!"

Flash stared at her. "Are you fucking kidding me?!"

Sonata shrugged. "Well it's what we came for, right?"

Flash sighed and undid his seat belt. "Yeah, I guess," he said. "But I'm calling for a different ride after I eat," he added. "There's no way in hell I'm getting back in any car you're driving."

Sonata giggled. "Yeah...I get that a lot too."

Wednesday

Author's Note

Sorry for the delay. This was meant to update daily throughout the week. I was not expecting to come down with the flu and end up sidelined for two days.

Wednesday

Flash warily approached the turd-brown van waiting at the curb. He prayed to any god that was listening that today's driver would be normal, sane, and safe. Taking a deep breath, he slid open the side panel of the van and climbed in.

"Hey there!" the driver—a teenage girl—said cheerfully. She was around his age, with pale skin and bottle-green hair pulled back in twin ponytails, and she wore stylish little pince-nez glasses. She had on a purple blazer over a light blue blouse. "I'm Juniper Montage, I'll be your driver this afternoon, and I hope you enjoy your ride!"

"Thanks," Flash said as he situated himself and buckled in.

"We're gonna take an alternate route," Juniper announced as she pulled away from the curb. "The direct route has construction today and traffic's bottlenecked. The other way's a little slower—"

"Yeah, I know which way you mean," Flash said. "I take that way whenever the main road's shut down."

"Oh, you have a car?" Juniper asked.

"Well, I did," Flash said. "It kinda got totaled the other day. Got T-boned by a nervous student driver."

"Ouch," Juniper said with a wince. "I don't know what I'd do if my car got totaled."

"Yeah, well, stuff happens," Flash said with a shrug.

"I mean, a few months ago, some jerk scratched up my door," Juniper said conversationally as she turned onto a narrow road with cars parked all along the curb. "I followed him halfway across town to a parking garage, waited until he went inside, then keyed the word 'DICKLESS' into his car in five places." She giggled. "Bet he thinks twice before he scratches up anyone's door again!"

Flash blinked. "Uhh..."

"So, you in high school or college?" Juniper asked as she navigated her bulky van through a veritable maze of parked cars.

"Oh, uh, high school," Flash said. "CHS."

"No kidding!" Juniper said. "I go to Crystal Prep myself. I just missed making the Friendship Games team." Under her breath, she grumbled, "Like Indigo Zap's grades are so good..."

Flash laughed. "Heh, yeah. The Games...that was, uh...really something."

"So I heard," Juniper said. "So, if you go to CHS, you must know Sunset Shimmer, right?"

"Yeah," Flash said. "We, uh, we used to date. I mean, a while back."

"Really." Something in Juniper's voice tightened, as did her grip on the steering wheel.

"So, uh, how do you know Sunset Shimmer?" Flash asked.

"Oh, I ran into her and her friends a while back," Juniper said tightly. "On my uncle's movie lot." She jerked the wheel sharply, narrowly missing a compact car on their right. Flash heard a muffled scrape-thump-snap.

"Uh...I think you just took that car's mirror off," he said hesitantly.

"Stuff happens," Juniper said with a shrug. "He was parked too far out, not my fault." She swung sharply into a turn, rounding a corner and merging into traffic on a broader through street. Someone's horn honked loudly. "OH, HONK YOURSELF," Juniper snarled, baring her teeth.

"Oh God not again," Flash moaned, slouching low into his seat.

"Sorry," Juniper said tersely as she evened out into the center lane. "I just really hate it when people get in my way."

"Can you just, like, tone it down?" Flash pleaded. "I've had a really stressful week and yesterday's rideshare nearly killed me with her crazy driving. I just...I just want a normal ride home."

"Oh, sure, it's all about you," Juniper said snidely. "It's always all about somebody else. Nobody ever cares what my day was like! Well let me tell you, my day sucked!" She jerked over into the right lane, cutting off a Beetle. "You have any idea how shitty working at the movie theater is?! My boss is a pain in the ass, the kids rub snot all over the counter, people spill popcorn and soda and stuff everywhere and I'm the one that's gotta clean all that crap up, and today—TODAY!—I was emptying out the trash and some bitch had stuffed a diaper full of fresh SHIT right in the top of the trash can, and when I took the lid off to grab the bag, it dumped out all over me! I'm lucky I had a change of clothes in the back, and I'm the one who's gotta pay for the ruined uniform!"

A pickup truck shot past Juniper from the left lane, cutting her off in line for the offramp.

"OH, YOU WANNA GO, BITCH?!" Juniper snarled. She plunged a hand into a large cardboard box wedged between the front seats, pulling out a drab green metal object that was roughly egg-sized.

Flash's eyes widened. "Oh my god is that—"

Juniper pulled a metal pin from the hand grenade with her teeth, then leaned halfway out the window as she swerved onto the offramp and around the pickup that had cut her off, which was now stopped at the left turn signal. She tossed the grenade through the open passenger-side window of the truck, then floored the gas and sped ahead, taking a sharp right turn and narrowly avoiding getting swiped by a sedan. A chorus of honking horns filled the air as Juniper's van raced down the service road, slowing to a stop for the red light ahead.

Flash could just barely hear the explosion. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST—"

Without even looking, Juniper aimed a massive handgun at him. "You didn't see a fucking thing, capiche?"

Sweat trickled down Flash's neck. "Uhh...y-yeah," he said, swallowing nervously.

"Good," Juniper said. Five tense minutes later, she turned onto Flash's street. He wasted no time in disengaging himself from his seat belt, and had the door open before the van even stopped, but before he could grab his things, Juniper put the van in park, unbuckled her own seat belt, and climbed into the back, grabbing Flash's door and pulling it closed as she straddled his lap, a manic, predatory gleam in her eyes. "One more thing," she said, licking her lips...

Ten minutes later, a very confused, shellshocked, and terrified Flash staggered out of the van, drenched in sweat and tangled up in a reel of film. As the van sped away, he blinked after it dazedly.

"What...just happened?"

Thursday

Flash stared in horror at the car that awaited him on Thursday.

It was a jet black hearse.

"Nope," he said, shaking his head and slowly backing away toward the mall entrance, his phone already out and the Uber app open to cancel. However, his escape route was cut off when he collided with an unyielding figure behind him. He turned and looked up...

A figure in a ragged black cloak towered over him, the shadowy hood completely hiding its face. One hand gripped the rough-hewn haft of an ancient scythe. Flash gulped. "What—"

Flash Sentry. I have come for you.

"L-like hell!" Flash stammered, backing away and breaking into a sprint. His heart pounded like a jackhammer and his lungs burned as panic wracked his brain. *This is ridiculous,* he thought as he ran. *Utterly ridiculous!* Just as he rounded a corner, an errant bee flew straight up his nose. Surprised, he broke stride, tripping and falling to the pavement as he scrabbled furiously at his face, snorting and attempting to dislodge the bee. He finally managed to eject it and sat up, rubbing at his bruised and scratched arms and knees. A bare whisper of sound behind him raised the hairs on the back of his neck, as did the chill wind that swept over him despite the warmth of the day. He looked up.

You're only making this hard on yourself, you know.

Flash crab-walked backward from the grisly reaper, eyes wide in terror. "N-no!" he gasped out. "I-i-i-it's not my time! I—I have so much left to do! I—"

Death drew an hourglass from his robes.

I don't have the time or patience for this. On your feet. We're leaving.

He punctuated that statement by giving Flash a very close-up view of the razor edge of his scythe. Flash gulped nervously, then bowed his head in defeat and stood. "Alright," he said, swallowing. "J-just...can I have a minute to, to s-say goodbye to...to my—"

Death tilted his robed head.

There's no need for dramatic farewells.

With that, he glided back toward the hearse. Flash sighed glumly and followed. Death opened the rear passenger side door and swept a skeletal hand forward, gesturing for Flash to enter. Flash's heart sank into the pit of his stomach as he ducked into the car.

Then he blinked.

The inside, instead of being designed to carry a casket, looked more like a rather cramped limousine, with padded benches along both sides and a seat behind the driver. "What the—?"

The door closed; a minute later, the driver's door opened, and Death clambered in, tossing Flash's bag into the back as he laid his scythe in the passenger seat.

I have a few stops to make before I take you home.

Death started the engine. A haunting and familiar classic rock song issued from the car stereo.

Flash blinked. "T-take me home?" he stammered.

He got the sense Death was peering at him curiously as the car pulled away from the curb.

Well of course. You did request an Uber, didn't you?

Flash's jaw dropped. "Y-you mean this is...? I'm...I'm not...?"

Death chuckled. The sound made Flash's brain scream.

Not yet, no.

The hearse smoothly navigated busy commercial roads and quiet neighborhood streets, with the same song playing on loop. Flash idly drummed his hands in his lap. "So, are you...I mean, are you really—?"

Death? Yes.

Flash shuddered. "I, uh, I see," he said lamely. "Umm...s-so you, uh...you're Death, but you're driving an Uber."

It's the government shutdown. We're all having to take side jobs to make ends meet.

"You're shitting me."

Let's just say I'm looking forward to the day I meet the President. Very much so.

Flash gulped.

In time, Death pulled into a familiar neighborhood, coming to a stop in front of a house Flash recognized. "Hey, this is—"

Remain here.

Death exited the car. A few minutes later, the passenger door opened again, and a man Flash Sentry knew all too well climbed into the car. He was dressed in a mortician's suit at least a century and a half out of date and had unhealthy-looking, wrinkled yellow skin, deep creases around his mouth, a hooked nose, and thick eyebrows. Balding on top, his grey hair was full in the back and on the sides, framing his broad, intimidating face in an iron curtain. His right eye was squinted closed; combined with the creases in his face and the downturned sneer of his wide lips, this gave him a fiercely angry expression.

"Grandpa Angus!" Flash exclaimed.

Angus Sentry squinted at Flash, baring his uneven yellow teeth. "Boooooyyyyyy," he rumbled. He took a seat on the bench across from Flash, staring stonily at him. Death got back into the driver's seat and pulled away from the curb.

Flash picked at the hem of his hoodie. "S-so, uhh..." He looked up at Angus with a game smile. "Coming over to visit with Dad, huh?"

No, he's going...somewhere else.

"Oh," Flash said, mulling that over. "Umm...doctor's appointment?"

Bit late for that, I should think.

Flash blinked at that. He started to ask another question, then stopped, his eyes wide and his face pale. "You mean he's—?!"

Dead, yes.

Flash stared in shock at Death, then at his grandfather, then at Death again. A long silence stretched out in the hearse.

Awkward...