Hoity Toity Gets Possessed By Duke Nukem.

by thewaffler

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance, Fancypants, Sex, Hoity Toity, Random, Photo Finish, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 9495

Hoity Toity starts hearing voices in head, the only thing is they aren't imaginary.

Hoity Toity wakes up in his lavish penthouse in Upper Manehattan and starts hearing voices in his head. However, turns out he isn't crazy. You see in an Alternate Universe an ultra bad ass human and king of Testosterone named Duke Nukem has just died from saving a bus full of orphans on the way to get heart transplants. It turns out his soul ends up in Equestria in the mind of Hoity Toity probably the most prissy and uppity stallion on the planet. He wakes up one day and little subtle changes start happening.

Join us as we meet the odd couple. A prissy and proper stallion and a macho sadistic narcissistic pervert share one mind. Will Duke change Hoity and help him get the attention of a certain fashion photographer or will Hoity teach Duke some things about himself and grow a little in the process.

Warning this has some strong language and Duke will spout off some homophobic slurs and f-bombs. So, if your easily offended this may not be for you.

Published 2011-12-12 04:30:12 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-19 18:24:14 UTC

The pasing of an Icon.

Duke woke up in his lavish hotel suite in Arlington, Texas when he felt the call on nature. Duke normally lived in his penthouse apartment on top on his own hotel and casino aptly named “The Lady Killer”. He was in Texas as part of his book signing tour. His book titled, ”Go Fuck Yourself: I’m Duke Nukem” had been on top of the New York best seller list for the past six months and the people wanted to only bask in his glory as he was the most important beloved being on the planet.

He looked down at the sheets of his king sized mattress to see four female forms underneath the covers and around the room to survey what had occurred last night; he saw two kegs, a mountain of cocaine the size of a man, a donkey, a passed out midget in a clown suit, various chains and leather on the floor, and an unknown substance on the ceiling. You see for the uninitiated Duke loved three things in life: women, grain alcohol, and kicking ass and taking names. At this site, this for anyone else would have been the greatest night their lives, but for The King in was just another Tuesday night. He slowly got out of bed and looked at the collateral damage and went to the bathroom to drain the beast. He got out and looked at the alarm clock.

“All Fuck, I needed to be on the road hours ago.”

Duke put on his denims, red wife beater, and size eleven boots and left the room quietly, but not before snorting some of that coke and whipping out his wallet and placing five thousand dollars in cash on the nightstand.

He got into his tour bus to which his driver Alfonzo asked him if he had had breakfast. Duke wiped his nose of powder residue.

“Yeah I had breakfast Alfonzo, breakfast of champions,” Duke said with a laugh.

They were on their way and all of a sudden traffic came to a complete halt near a suspension bridge just outside of Dallas. Duke got off the bus to see what was going on and heard cries for help.

“The bridge is collapsing and there’s a stuck bus full of orphans on their way to get heart transplants and the driver is only two days away from retirement,” an old man yelled.

‘It’s hero time. I can probably save the kids, but the driver is dead either way cause I know what happens when your two weeks away from retirement,’ thought Duke.

He proceeded to platform over the parked and stopped cars in the way to save those damn kids. He final got to the shaking bridge and he saw the suspension cables snapping. One of the cables stuck the bus violently and came down with enough force to kill the bus driver and spew his gore all over the screaming tikes. Duke had to act fast.

“You kids climb on to my shoulders and neck,” shouted Duke. They did as they were instructed and he ran with ten kids clinging on to him. He got them to stable ground when he left to get the remaining four children. The bridge was getting worse with every passing second. He got to bus and gathered the remaining orphans and this time even Duke with his stamina of a charging rhino was exhausted and blurry eyed as he ran towards the end of the bridge trying to dodge the debris. He looked down for a brief moment and saw that the ground was giving out from beneath him and he was only eight feet from the end and with no hope of surviving he threw the kids to solid ground just has the bridge finally collapsed sending over 16 tons of twisted steel and tarmac raining down upon Duke as the people from the road leading to the former bridge watched in shock as a man who not only saved this planet twice but gave his life to save nature’s lowliest creatures.

GAME OVER

Duke was deader than a door knob and yet his mind was still conscious as he had woken up in a black void when he heard a male voice call out to him is a tinge of excitement to his voice. He looked as a figure in a dark cloak appeared to him welding a scythe.

“Duke Nukem, I’m a big fan. Oh, boy the other reapers are gonna be so jealous that I get to take the soul of the one, the only DUKE “MOTHERFUCKING” NUKEM. Could you please sign my scythe?”

Duke just stood there in disbelief as he meet a grim reaper who was gushing on about him like a raging fanboy. The fact that he was dead didn’t bother him so much as how less creepier and cool the grim reaper is when he’s acting like a virgin man-child.

“Uh, yeah. You gotta pen,” asked Duke as the squealing reaper produced a silver permanent marker.

“Who do I make it out to?”

“To my best friend Tim Hoskins the best grim reaper ever,” exclaimed Tim the reaper as Duke signed the scythe and handed it back to him.

“Thanks, Duke. Well I guess It’s time I take your so—

Duke interrupted Tim as he grabbed the scythe and tore a hole into the void and jumped in. His spectral image going into another universe and another dimension, if you asked him why he did it he’d tell you that he couldn’t spend another minute with this panty waste of a grim reaper and just winging it seems to be the best option.

*If you wanna know how he knew that that would happen when he took the scythe from the reaper. A wizard did it.*

Meanwhile in Manehattan a white haired maned and gray coated Earth pony named Hoity Toity was at a fashion show and expo. He was making small talk with some of the designers and models. Most ponies had two misconceptions about the fashion consultant and fashion designer. One was that he was coltcuddler as the tabloids suggested. It wasn’t true it’s just that Hoity is a workaholic and that the one mare he had his eyes on made his throat tighten, caused him to stutter and knees begin to buckle. In other words he turned into a complete idiot. Even before he met her, he was never actively seeking companionship; which is probably how those nasty rumors got started in the first place. The second misconception they had was that he was a pompous jerk. Hoity was pompous yes, but a jerk no. He was just a stallion with very little patience and a large schedule. Hoity could tell the occasional cocktail joke and make small talk; heck, he even had a few close friends.

As Hoity was congratulating the model known as Silver Star on a magnificent performance on the catwalk she walked in to the room. It was Photo Finish a light blue mare with a white mane and she just happened to be Equestria’s best fashion photographer. She was a true artist and a camera was her paintbrush. The single still images she took could do more justice to a subject than words could ever accomplish on their own. Photo was the subject all Hoity’s fantasies and the only mare could appreciate true beauty like him. He had been introduced to her at an art exhibit about a month ago in Canterlot. Normally the stallion had no issues talking to anyone, but this time he could only sputter, stutter and stammer out sentence fragments. He continued to do this till he managed to excuse him himself.

Flash forward to tonight and there Photo exactly the same as she appeared a month ago albeit this time with her entourage of yes ponies and assistants. She was there chatting with a former client of his and once she was done she started walking towards Hoity was a small smile on her face. He felt his chest tighten and as she walked toward him and then all of a sudden a bright flash of light stuck Hoity. He fell down immediately as if he had been hit by a train. Photo and the others were shocked, as he watched his world go black.

Three days later

“Ah, my head. Where am I,” mumbled Hoity as he observed an IV in his right front leg as the rest of the rubbing alcohol scented room came into focus. Then a brown coated unicorn stallion with a white lab coat spoke.

“Oh, good you’re awake. Hello, Mr. Toity I’m Doctor Saver. You’re in Manehattan General Hospital and you were rushed here three days ago after you supposedly suffered a nasty fall in lounge area of that big fashion show and expo.”

“How’d I get here and what’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

“A very worried blue mare with a thick accent brought you here and to answer your other question we found a spike in brain activity, but it’s doesn’t look like anything is physically wrong with you.”

“May, I leave. I am very busy and three days is far too long of a vacation from my work load.”

“Only if you’re felling well enough to leave under your own power and I’ll just need you to fill out these discharge papers and you’re free to go.”

Hoity is out of hospital and back in his posh penthouse in the Upper East Side. A lot of thought are on his mind like, ‘what was that light that struck me? What shall I do about Photo, should I thank her with a dinner at one of the finest restaurants? And why do I have the sudden urge to consume mass quantities of Beer and nachos at 10 AM in the morning?’ He shook his head violently trying to dispel these thoughts.

‘Maybe some sleep in my own bed will help me get my mind straight,’ thought Hoity as he walked into his master bedroom, plopped down on the bed and drifted off to sleep. However little he know there was a someone else in his mind slowly gaining consciousness.

Next Chapter: The Colt with Two Brains.

The Colt with Two Brains.

That night things weren't going much better in Hoity's mind. He could hear explosions, heavy metal, and the lamentations of the mares. He could smell gun powder, grain alcohol and napalm. 'Smells like victory...huh? Why did I think that?' His dreams were like a distorted Michayal Bay movie. The dream reached it's climax and Hoity woke up in a cold sweat and yelled, "I'M HERE TO KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM!!!" He stopped himself, got out of bed, went to his bathroom and threw some water on his face. He went back to bed and sleep without interruption.

It was ten in the morning when Hoity rolled out of bed, he looked at the clock was shock on his face.

"I dear say I'm running rather late. "

He went to his kitchen, pulled out a bowl from his dishwasher and went to the pantry and got himself his brand of imported oats from Prance. What he didn't know he was doing was grabbing a bottle scotch from the liquor cabinet and poured it over the oats. It was like he had no control over his body, like a unseen force needed to suckle from an alcohol teat and he didn't realize what he was doing because he was still in that state between asleep and awake. He took one spoonful.

"GAH!!, that taste horrible." Hoity said as he was shocked from the taste in his mouth. He was about to toss the mixture away, but in an out of character moment he loss control over his body and started to gorge himself on the contents of the bowl like a savage animal, he even let out a wolf like howl once he was done. He snapped out of his trance.

"That was odd to say the least." Hoity looked at the clock on his stove which read: 10:37.

"Whaa...but I've only been awake for 15 minutes. Where did the other 20 minutes go, I need to get that bedroom clock fixed, and I needed to be at my design studio seven minutes ago."

He got a quick shower and got dressed and was mildly disappointed he didn't have time to style his much beloved mane.

It was 11:17 by the time he arrived at his studio to which his assistant, clients and apprentices were waiting for him. His assistant named Fast Scribe was the first to speak.

"Sir, your eleven o'clock is here, and your new students Glitz and Glamor need direction before they start. Oh and if you don't mind me saying sir you look pretty ragged out. Rough night?"

Fast was Hoity's only assistant and he trusted her to run his affairs. To be honest Hoity would be loss without the small purple and green unicorn mare. Hell, he couldn't even remember his social security number without her or remember to buy groceries. Their relationship went farther than that of an employee and boss. They were very good friends. She only referred to him as "sir" during work hours.

"Sorry Miss Scribe, I couldn't sleep last night, but I'm fine. Thank you." He smiles to her, yawns and shakes his head to make sure he's fully wake.

"Okay sir, um... like i said your even o'clock is here." She pointed to the large blue maned unicorn with a mustache. "There's fresh coffee in the pot".

He looked at the black liquid and instead of pouring himself a cup he started chugging the coffee pot.

"Let's rock." he said, doing a slight double take at the words he said.

"Mr. Pants I assure you, your suit and those of your groomscolts will be done in time for your wedding at the end of this month. You have my word or my name isn't Hoity Alfonzo Toity."

The two continued to talk about the attire for the ceremony. It had been a solid thirty minutes.

"...I say, It's been a pleasure doing business with Mr. Toity"

Hoity spent the next two hours with clients ranging from pop stars to foreign dignitaries. Next on his agenda was come up with some new designs for a big show in Mareami this weekend.

He had been piecing things together for a stallions suit when he was compelled to rip the sleeves off of it. Hoity saw what he had done and was angry with himself.
'why'd I do that? I need to get out of this place and recollect my thoughts.'

"Miss Scribe, I'm not feeling well, could you cancel the rest of my appointments for today and tomorrow? I will be taking my leave."

"Sir. I hope you feel better when you come back. I'll move your schedule over two days."

"Thank you, I owe you." Hoity said and walked out the door.

Hours later and "the incidents" have seemed to stop. Hoity hoped that he would have some sleep tonight and tomorrow would be different. Sadly tonight was even worse than the night before it. Yesterday's dreams were only images and little sound; however, tonight his mind was host to the sounds of a deep masculine voice. He couldn't process what it was saying, but it sounded very angry and tough.

He did mange to stay in bed all night but he was even more exhausted. He went to the mirror and got a good luck at himself. He noticed stumble in the silver color of his mane showing. 'That's it, I'm gonna see a psychiatrist, about this.' He trotted to the elevator and and out the doors of his penthouse complex without breakfast in fear of what he might force himself to eat.

By the end of the day and after speaking to several psychiatrists all of which find nothing wrong with him. "Quacks, " he calls them.

He looks at a mirror an takes a deep breath and says.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!"

"No"

"Whaa? Who said that?"

"I did you limp wristed man-gina."

"Great...the voices in my head are using foalish insults."

"I have a name, you prissy loser."

"LOSER? I'll have have you know I'm very a rich and powerful fashion consultant and designer, what have you done with your life if I can call it that, except drive a colt mad." Hoity shot back at the voice. 'Great I'm talking to and arguing with the the voice in my head, yeah I've lost it.' He thought to himself.

"Who am I? I the Duke, Duke Nukem, first off you haven't lost it and second your talking to the guy whose saved his planet twice from aliens, all around ass kicker, pleaser of women, beloved by all, and the the guy who sacrificed himself to save a bus full of orphans. Oh, and I'll nail anything with a pulse and a great ass."

"Huh?"

"Oh Fuck it, let me show you."

Hoity's eyes when white and visions appeared in his mind like an old film reel. It showed every one of Duke's past exploits, the explosions, the alien ass kicking, the corpse desecration and the females he ploughed through. The movie ended and his eyes returned to there natural state.

"Uhhh"

"Was it as good for you as it was for me."

"Great...I'm sharing my mind with a macho sadistic narcissistic pervert"

"I know fun right anyway let's ROCK!"

"Where's that music coming from? I detest rock music"

"It's my theme song, the only thing as cool as me is Megadeth and too damn bad. Now let's get laid."

"Whaa?"

"You heard me homo, I need some trim, I've been dead for two weeks and The King needs some action. Now point us in the way of the nearest bar so I can get acquainted with your women of this world or what ever you call females. I've got balls of steel."

Just then Hoity lost control of his limbs, like he now a backseat driver in his own body.

'This isn't going to end well.'

"It's a good thing my set is big enough for the the both of us."

Hoity Nukem trotted out of the penthouse and into the still young night.

Next Chapter: Shit get's real.

A/N: I'm sorry with the lack of updates on this and my other fics, I've been busy with college and work.

The King and The Fashion Guru

The King and The Fashion Guru

A/N: Sorry about the delay, I got sidetracked by other ideas.

It's half past ten in the morning and Hoity's eyes slowly open up.

"Ugh...Where am I? Why do I feel like I just got ht by a carriage? Why can't I feel my crotch?" Hoity says to himself, because apparently his unwanted mind guest named Duke was taking the day off. Hoity began to survey the room. There were nine mares he counted. Three were in his bed, two were cuddling each other on the fold out sofa one was slumped over in a chair and three were in the bathroom passed out. Hoity slowly crept out of bed, got his wallet and saddlebags and got out of the hotel suite. He made his way to the lobby to see he was in the most expensive hotel in the city.

Once there he approached the front desk to speak to one of the clerks.

"Hello, Mr. Jet Set do you need anything else or are you ready to check out?" The young stallion at the front desk asked him.

'Wait...Jet Set? We'll at least Duke was smart enough not you use my real name.'
Hoity thought as he looked through his saddle bags to find 400 bits and a wallet that belonged to a Mr. Jet Set. 'Where did this come from?'

Hoity staggered "Yes... I'm ready to check out, here's 400 bits, which should cover everything." Hoity threw the money at a very confused hotel clerk and ran out of the hotel.

Hoity had made it to Middlefield Park. Hoity sat on a park bench with his mane disheveled and suit wrinkled and grungy. A passing by old griffin tossed him a couple of bits, thinking he was homeless. Hoity continued to look down at his hooves. He started calling out to Duke.

"Duke." He called out with no response

"Duke we need to talk." He again received no response

"Duke, we need to talk, immediately!" Hoity yelled out eliciting some odd looks from ponies walking around the park.

"What is it loser? I'm tryin to sleep."

"What is the meaning of renting the most expensive room at the most lavish hotel in the city and renting a grand total of nine whores."

Duke sneered and gave his explanation and filled in the gaps from last night. "First off Sergeant Panty Waste, I only rented the room with money I won hustling pool last night and that wallet I stole from that asshole Jet Set, the girls weren’t hookers I’m just that good and it was a slow night. I'd like to say somethings about this world. Your chicks need some double whammies and why aren't there any drugs?"

"Stop whining."

"You listen to me colt-cuddler, I'm not whining, I'm complaining and if you back sass me again I'll kick our ass."

Hoity dismissed his treat just as Duke takes one of Hoity's hooves and pimp slaps him with it.

"OUCH, LUNA IN THE MOON DAMMIT, THAT HURT!!!" Hoity said while regaining control of the same hoof that hit him.

Duke laughed. "See? Now be quiet I need some sleep, I suggest you do the same, who knows we might run into that German chick again."

Hoity wondered if he was talking about Foto, but then he realized that Duke probably has access to his memories. Hoity managed to get out of the park while still being stared at my several ponies that thought he has lost his mind. He made it to his penthouse and did as Duke suggested.

The next morning

Hoity wakes up and prepares himself a simple low calorie and nutritious breakfast. It's an extremely dainty meal. Duke sees what he's eating and loses it.

"What is this garbage?"

"It's goat cheese on watercress with a side of whole wheat toast points." Hoity retorts while chewing his meal. Duke forces Hoity's hoof away from the table.

"It's homo food, from now on it's a six pack of beer, twelve energy bars, half a dozen raw eggs, two hundred pushups and a five mile run every day starting at 5am."

"WHAA?!?!"

"Get ready to bare-knuckle box with the gods, bitch."

"What's a knuckle?" Hoity asked as he received a hoof across the face.

"Don't question me, Man-gina!"

Against all his pleading Duke forced Hoity to obey his new diet and exercise routine. Hoity felt like he was gonna keel over any minute from his five mile run.

"I'm a fashion expert, not an athlete." Hoity said as he panted.

"Shut up, jackass. Now start those pushups."

The fashion cautious pony's only reprieve was that he had to go to work on those designs that were due soon for the big show in Mareami.

Hoity was exhausted to the point where he felt sick, but sadly he had been away from work for too long so he completed his workout or his case torture, got in a quick shower. To his surprise Duke hadn't thrown out his favorite scented bath soaps. He did his mane, which he opted to just to run a comb through it, because after this morning's events he was too tired to give a damn. Finally he got dressed and within twenty minutes he was out the door and at his design studio.

He was greeted warmly by Fast Scribe in her usual casual tone and friendly demeanor.

"Sir, I hope those two days off were what you needed. Anyway there is so much to do. First off there is a Mr. Power Lifter here to see you in your office." Hoity cringed at that name Power Lifter was Hoity's irritating nephew that always tried to weasel bits from him. "Next, Glitz and Glamor need you to sign off on their next project and fill out their intern evaluation sheets. Following that there is news that the show in Mareami has been moved to this weekend and Oh, a Ms. Foto Finish called to say she's coming here to check up on you, chat and view your latest designs at around three."

Hoity felt a knot in his gut build up at the sound of that last bit of information. It wasn't the fact that the deadline had been moved up, it was news that Foto, his dream mare was coming to check up on him and it couldn't have happened at the worst possible time. A time when he was sharing his brain with a macho sadistic pervert. "This isn't going to end well." He thought to himself.

"Oh, quit yer bitchin, let's see what you belly achin about." replied duke from inside Hoity's brain as he began to access the fashion stallion's memory.

"Oh, so your barn door does swing the right way. I gotta say you got odd taste in females."

"I think she's splendid, refined and--" Duke interrupted Hoity's emotional reminiscing of Foto.

"I don't need you to tell me her life story. Let's get to work."

Hoity went to his office to speak with his nephew whom was wearing his trademark face paint and tassels and he had his dirty hooves on Hoity's expensive solid oak desk.

"UNCLE TOITY, THE POWER OF DESTRUCITY, DEMANDS YOU GIVE ME BITS, I NEEDS MORE ROIDS TO DEFEAT HOAK-COLTGAN ON THE TERRRAIN OF TESTIMENT!!!!" Power Lifter bellows in sentences that barely make any sense.

Back inside Hoity's mind Duke decides to have a conversation. "What's his problem? He retarded or something?"

"No, Duke, he's a pro-wrestler that's quite touched in the head. He's also my sister's son." Hoity groans as he mentioned his relationship to the roided up moron.

THE POWER OF THE ULTIMATE LIFTER NEEDS THOSE BITS, NOW!"

"I think you need to buy--" He was interrupted by Power Lifter.

"JUST GIVE ME BITS, SUN GLASSES SUCK." he said as he jabbed a hoof at his uncle.

When he said those last three words it was like he sealed his own fate. Duke didn't mind Hoity getting emasculated, but the moment someone puts down and berates sun glasses the gloves were off and it time to "kick ass and take names."

Hoity felt himself blackout as Duke regained full control of Hoity's body. It was like the king was wearing the shell of the fashion guru. Music for the scene: prodgidy : invaders must die

Power Lifter felt a hoof land a blow that set his reeling back about four feet.

Duke-Toity looked down at the large stallion whom was trying to process the information. "Your ass is grass and I've got the weed whacker."

"GAH!!! I'MA GONNA RIP YOU HALF, HOAK-COLTGAN." He yelled out as he charged head first into Duke-Toity, which knocked him back into the adjacent wall. Even a charging rhino gets lucky sometimes. Duke got up and pried himself off thanking that he didn't have to worry about the pain associated with any of these injuries in a few hours.

He looked at the stallion and smirked. Power Lifter was shocked that anypony could have dealt with him slamming into them. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that pro-wrestling is fake, but me, I'm real. Now get up bitch it's time to party."

Just as Power Lifter has ready to begin another assault Duke balanced himself on his hind legs and dealt the hulking idiot a full on round house kick that sent him careening out through a wall and out of his office. It was a TKO as for a brief second a score appeared on the screen that was not too dissimilar to that found in Street Fighter 3 Third Strike.

Security picked up Power Lifter and took him out of the studio as the other ponies just gawked at their boss with shocked expressions. Many of them couldn't fathom such a refined stallion as Hoity Alfonzo Toity delivering an unprecedented ass kicking as the one displayed just moments ago.

Hoity still controlled by Duke turned to Fast Scribe, " You! Um...secretary lady, get someone to clean up the mess, while I hit the can to drain the sea monster."

Fast Scribe was flustered by all this. In all the years she's known Hoity she's never seen him act like this, but at his request she did as he asked of her and decided that she'd ask Hoity about what just happened later on today.

Hoity woke up in the handicapped stall and looks down to find his front hooves covered in blood. His suit tattered and also blood stained and ragged. His trots slowly towards the mirror and shakily turns on the faucet and is only slightly relieved that the blood covering his hooves and face was not his. He leaves the bathroom and goes into the studio where he receives a lot of shocked glares. He looks at the wall of where his office is, and sees a huge whole and splintered studs and smashed drywall. 'Urg,... my head and my hooves are killing me.' He feels general soreness like he had been engaged in some sort of fight. He recalls talking to Power Lifter but after that he blacked out.

"Miss, Scribe would you please tell me where is my nephew?"

"You don't remember? Security escorted him out of the building and called him an ambulance carriage to take him Manehattan General."

Hoity took in this information. On one hoof he had just acted like a total barbarian, but on the other hoof he had just put his idiotic money grubbing nephew in his place.

"Sir, if I may ask what happened back there." Fast was still worried about her boss' odd behavior.

Hoity needed to come up with a good reason. "The ruffian tried to extort money from me and I needed to defend myself."

"Any way I need to move to the next task at hoof, which is..."

"...Glitz and Glamor's intern evaluation sheets."

"Right." Hoity went to the area where the two unicorn twins were working. They were a little worried after seeing their teacher beat the hell out of a stallion twice his size. Hoity's appearance didn't help matters.

Hoity was pleased at their work and quickly filled out their intern progress reports. 'They keep up this level of work and I'll have no choice but to keep them on board past their internship.'

He looked at the clock and realized that Ms. Scribe had said Foto would stop by at around three and sure enough the intercom buzzed and it was Foto. She was coming up and he looked like Inspector Tequila from the end of Hard Boiled. It was too late to find a new jacket.

"Hoity, zeet's good to see you. What happened to you?" Foto said while taking in his appearance.

Hoity had to come up with an excuse. "I-I h-had to defend my honor against an unwelcomed g-guest."

"Defend? He threw a stallion twice his size through a wall!" shouted Glitz from across the room.

Hoity looked back at Foto sheepishly. "I'm rather sorry for my ghastly appearance."

Foto just smiled. "I Foto Finish zhink you look rather rugged." Hoity felt his face heat up and was about to say something cliché and nauseatingly saccrine. Duke was just watching this scene play out and getting extremely impatient. "Oh, for fuck's sake, just get on with it!" He yelled inside Hoity's mind. "I can't take anymore of this high school Care Bears bullshit."

After a twenty minute chat about their careers and up and coming shows Hoity asked the question he had been dying to ask her even before his accident at the fashion expo. "Foto would you do me the honor of allowing me to escort you to the Gala next month."

"I Foto Finish will accept your offer." Hoity smiled and she accepted his offer and even liked her little idiosyncrasies like the way she spoke in the third person at the beginning of her sentences. However, he wasn't prepared for Foto to give his a light peck on the cheek.

"I Foto Finish do apologize zo cut zhis meeting short, but I have an important client zo meet. Would you mind walking me zo zee elevator?"

Meanwhile, Duke still exhausted from the fight was being tortured by all this lovey dovey garbage.

"Maybe we can have lunch after I get back from the big show in Mareami this weekend." Hoity said to Foto as she was waiting for the elevator.

"Slap her on the ass." Duke called out.

Hoity was appalled my Duke's request. "No, I am a gentlecolt, not a prude."

"She'll like it. Trust me."

"No, I shall not." just as Foto enters the lift Duke controls one of Hoity's front legs and slaps Foto on the flank. Instead of getting mad, she blushes and gives the fashion guru a passionate kiss.

"I-Foto Finish didn't expect zhat." She smiles as the elevator doors close.

Hoity just stands there dumbfounded. "Don't say I never did anything nice for ya." Hoity just stood there not moving. "Ummm...Loser?" Hoity fainted. "What the fuck is wrong with him, I musta pissed somebody off to get this guy as a host." Duke said as he decided to take control of Hoity's body again.

"I guess I need to do his job." Duke Toity said to himself. He knew that there was some kind of important fashion show thing and that if Hoity didn't get paid then Duke didn't get booze or laid.

Duke trotted up to the mannequins and realized that he didn't know the first thing about sewing. Lucky for him he could just access Hoity's memories.

"Let's see here." He said viewing Hoity's memories like a rolodex.

"Sewing."

"First day at prep school, nope."

"Sewing."

"Lost my virginity, nope but could be an interesting read for later." Duke laughed at that one.

"Sewing."

"Celestia awful fashion show in Ponyville, lame."

"Sewing."

"Mother teaches me to Sew, Aha bingo."

Duke Toity now armed with sewing knowledge decided to make the outfits about the only theme he was an expert on and if you know Duke Nukem then you probably know what he chose as his subject matter. The King got to work and this was probably the closest he had been to actually having a normal job in years. When he was done he felt an odd sense of accomplishment. He was tired and instead of going out to a bar and wreaking all sorts of new havoc, Duke opted to go back to Hoity's home and crash for the night.

A/N: The next chapter fashion show surprises, Hoity saves the day and the end is near. Also I'm really sorry I made you guys wait. I'm been busy with school and work and I was also a bit lazy.

THE FINALE: At Least it’s not Duke Nukem Forever

Ch.4 THE FINALE: At Least it’s not Duke Nukem Forever. XD

A/N: Sorry for the wait.

When we last left our heroes Duke while controlling Hoity had thrown the destucity fueled Power Lifter through the wall of the fashion guru's office, he got Hoity a date with Foto to which Hoity promptly passed out leaving out testosterone laden hero in charge of finishing Hoity's designs for the big fashion show coming up this weekend.

It was 5am and Hoity Toity was up for his daily exercise routine that Duke had bestowed upon him.

"675...676 *pant*...677.......678 hnnnh...679..." That was has far Hoity got before he collapsed from exhaustion.

"Come on, you only had 21 more three legged pushups to go." Duke berated his tired and beaten host. Hoity only responded with a soft groan and sound of his hooves trying to get off the ground. Hoity made two steps forward and fell down once more on the cold concrete.

"Great, I gotta carry your ass home." Duke sneered as he lifted Hoity and trotted to his penthouse.

Five Hours Later

The King felt a weird sensation over the past two days since the Power Lifter incident. He had only been drinking three six-packs of beer as opposed to his normal eight and had been using less homophobic slurs towards his host. 'What the fuck is wrong with me?'

"I need to take things up a notch to proof I'm still an All-American kicker of ass." Duke said in a firm voice with only slight hesitation.

The king trotted down the street and found what he was looking for: The Celestia Utility Building. The seventy-eight story skyscraper was the tallest built structure in the modern world and it was where a fashion designer that was being possessed by an otherworldly entity would be attempting a stupid stunt in order to hide said entity's insecurities.

Duke lifted one of Hoity's hooves against the base of the building to feel the smooth concrete exterior. "Perfect."

20 Minutes Later

Hoity woke up to the sound of fire-cart sirens and cheers. Hoity looked out his eyes as he was not in control of his body. Duke being the type of guy he is decided to give his host a view of his surrounding to which Hoity was freaking out as he saw fire-carts, news cameras and crowds of cheering ponies.

"HOLY CELESTIA!!! WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SANE ARE WE SCALING THE CELESTIA UTILITY BUILDING?!?!"

"It was there and like every woman, every mountain and building needs to be mounted and claimed in the name of the Dukester."

Hoity realized what time it was realized that if they didn't leave now, they'd miss the train to Mareami.

As if sent from the heavens or by a lazy writer Sibsy the fastest taxi driver in the all of Manehattan appeared before Hoity. She notices him and chuckles. "You've got balls of steel to be climbing the tallest building in city as an earth pony no less, ha ha."She calms down."You want a lift?" Hoity nods and gets inside her sky cab.

They were finally on the train to Mareami. Duke was getting impatient and against Hoity's wishes he dragged his host to the bar car to get some fuel. After spending about half an hour there, Duke was completely sober and Hoity was quit the opposite as they were both using the fashion designer's liver. Hoity staggered back into his private car.

Duke thought it was a good time to bring up a certain memory that Hoity was a tad embarrassed over, because he figured he needed to have fun at the prissy pony's expense to meet status quo.

"Psst. Hey, loser."

"Huh? What do you need, I'm trying to get some rest we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow and I need to get some rest before the show."

Duke adjusted his sunglasses. "Moovilla."

Like a Bob Hayger song Hoity's mind was flooded with the memories of trying to solve those awkward teenage blues. "How dare you! That was a private moment." The gray stallion was offended that his mental roommate had found a fresh new way to torment him.

"So, what you lost your virginity to a cow on prom night. You should have seen the first chick I nailed; she was...no scratch that my second grade teacher was great in the sack."

"If you must know it wasn't her it was when her father caught us and she accidentally bucked me out of a second story window." Hoity cringed remembering the sounds of broken glass, the pain on impact and how awkward the rest of high school was for him after that night. Duke on the other hoof could not and would not stop laughing.

Hoity was still angry and decided to take a walk the lounge car of the locomotive, but this attempt to calm his nerves and sooth his anger was all in vain as he was met with a new form of hell as he entered the room. There hitting on a female train attendant were the outdoor fashion designers known the Field and Stream brothers. The brothers designed apparel for fishing, camping, hiking and hunting; they were also well known for their crass behavior, disgusting sense of humor and pension for buggery. In other words they were like Duke only even worse if one were to believe it.

The two continued to harass the mare. "Sirs, I think you should leave the lady alone."

"Yeah, what's it to ya..."Stream recognized the gray earth pony in front of him."...hey, Field it's that darn queerosexual from Manehattin."

Sure enough Field ceased his verbal groping of the mare operating the snack cart as his brother called him. "Yep, brother that's him alright." He then turned to Hoity. "Now, listen to us ya ascot wearin' mo. We is gonna have us a some fun, before we gotta show off our latest in designer camouflage, so kindly get to steppin' before we treat ya'll to some down home cookin' and by cookin' I mean we is gonna beat y'all ass." Stream gave Hoity a shove as he and brother went back to harassing the poor mare.

Duke enjoyed watching the two redneck fashion designers give Hoity a verbal beat down, but he also sensed his surrounding getting darker as if Hoity's mind was reaching its breaking point. 'All shit.' The king shook his head as grasped that something big was coming.

Hoity cleared his throat. "I can’t stand for this kind of behavior, please leave the madam to her work."

"And... we said go get bent ya flaming fagot." Field checked Hoity into the counter of the bar. The grey stallion then rolled on to the floor with a bloody nose, to which the brothers bro-hoofed and laughed about what they had done. The bartender threw a damp wash cloth towards Hoity.

As he lay on the floor something in Hoity snapped as he got back on to his legs. Years of repressed anger flooded his mind; today had been the day where everything finally reached its boiling point. His prep-school lessons on manners were thrown out the window. Even Duke's physical manifestation in Hoity's mind had set up a trench and a thick wall of sand bags.

Field and Stream were too busy laughing because if they had both taken the time to look at their surroundings then they'd notice the room had become eerily quite and had the faint smell of ozone.

Just as the brother had stopped their fit of giggling, Stream was knocked into the far left side of the bar car.

THUD

Field was shocked to say the least but tried to maintain his cool and was about to say something but just as he did Hoity crammed his right forehoof into his mouth. Hoity took off his iconic shades and threw them down at the ground in disgust, he was looking to release years of pent up aggression and hate and didn't need anything obscuring his vision.

Stream was the first to recover and charged at the fashion guru wit what appeared to be some kind of bull shit wrestling move. The grey stallion wasn't having any of it and threw him into a nearby pool table near his beaten older brother.

The two bloody wealthy rednecks acquired a set of pool sticks and gathered up the balls from the table. The both of them formed some kind of strategy that boiled down to two chuck billiard balls at Hoity and use the pool sticks as bo-staffs.

"Hey ya limp hoofed MOTHER FUCKER, try these out for size." The brothers flung the hard resin balls at Hoity causing the train attendant to duck under her cart and the bar tender to hide in the cabinet where he kept the kegs as pool balls whizzed around the car ricocheting off the walls and smashing windows as well as some of the bottles of spirits that lined the back wall behind the bar.

The days of Duke's intense training had finally paid off because Hoity for the first time since junior high was able to hold his own in a fight. Hoity used lounge chairs and the occasional overturned table as cover as he made his way towards his goal. Even though the brothers were slightly unnerved with about sixteen pool balls at their disposal they nailed Hoity with a cue ball in the left shoulder causing him to howl in pain and drop to the ground.

Stream motioned toward his brother to grab a pool stick so they could beat their fellow fashion designer into pulp.

They closed in on Hoity and just as the brothers were about to pommel him to a fine paste the grey stallion rolled out of the way and reared back and knocked the two fashion rednecks onto the pool table.

Once composed fashion designer whom had finally snapped rolled up his sleeves, ripped off his ascot and used it to wipe the sweat from his brow. To Hoity this was not a billiard table it was an operating table and he was the surgeon.

Hoity used every ounce of the twenty-five years of pent up aggression, even Duke whom had once used a corpse as a toilet was impressed at his host's actions.

After about ten minutes Hoity was finished and just stopped shy of actually crippling Field and Stream whom at this point looked like the ground during a buffalo stampede. 'Gutter trash.'

Hoity composed himself and called out the bartender. "Good sir, take this as payment for the damages." Hoity went through the camouflage jacket of Stream and placed two, one hundred bit notes on the counter top.

The train attendant from earlier turned to Hoity whose dress shirt was in tatters and front hooves covered in redneck blood from the fight. "Hey, I just met you and this was crazy, but here's my number, so call me, maybe?" She proceeded scribbled her number on a cocktail napkin and stuffed it in his pocket as she went back to work.

Hoity and Duke went back to his private cabin on the train and got some sleep.

Mareami was the largest city on the southern east coast of Equestria; home to damn near half a million creatures of every sentient species, fantastic bars and restaurants, and miles and miles of sun kissed beaches. It here in this city that the Mareston Fashion Expo was chosen to take place.

The train pulled into the station of the design district just a little before noon. The show was at four or so Hoity thought, turns out when Duke was using Hoity's body the day he attacked Power Lifter, he accidentally signed them up for an earlier time slot of one o'clock this afternoon.

"Oh, dear Celestia that I won't have enough time to prepare for the show and fur--" Hoity was cut off by his interns Glitz and Glamor.

"Do not fret Mr. Toity, our train arrived half an hour early and we have taken care of everything. The models are being prepared as we speak." Glitz said trying to dismiss most of his boss's fears.

"Very well, let me thank the two of you for your hard work." Hoity at this point was absolutely gonna hire the twins after their internship.

Hoity looked sat himself and saw that the he was still wearing the tattered dress shirt and vest from his ordeal, then he looked back at the train and saw both Field and Stream being carted off to a nearby med tent. The fashion industry of Equestria was a dangerous world full of fights, walk-offs and sometimes sequins. 'I just need to get changed out of this ghastly attire.' Duke rolled his eyes and tried to drown out all this fruity nonsense with heavy metal.

The grey stallion was about to make his way to a shower and put on a fresh set of clothing when a supervisor for the show stopped him. "Mr. Toity you are going on in five minutes, I'm sorry to say this but prep time is over."

Hoity was about to protest this, but he realized it would do him no good and Duke surely was not going to help him out in a situation such as this.

The announcer came on to the loud speaker. "I am pleased to present the latest work from Hoity Toity!" The crowd when wild as the veteran fashion designer walked out from behind the curtain to be present while 'his' work went on display.

The earth pony's disheveled appearance plenty of reactions from the audience and photographers and not in a bad way. Hoity could hear the whispered words of the ponies, and other creatures present.

"He looks rugged."

"That’s type of stallion worthy of siring my eggs." A large green and blue dragoness called out.

"Where can I get a shirt like that?"

A certain sky blue fashion photographer blushed heavily at the stallion's new look.

Several of them even threw hotel keys at him. Hoity was extremely confused by the attention he was getting and maybe his cerebral roommate was on to something.

His praise for Duke was short lived when he saw what the models were wearing. He didn't recall ever making those outfits. They were wearing red lace, black vinyl and latex. It was a mess of garter belts, lingerie, socks and bondage. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY, DID YOU DO?!" He screamed at Duke.

"I fixed your lame homo-designs." He said confidently.

"BY DRESSING THEM UP AS WHORES?!" Hoity continued to yell as he currently wanted to dig the deepest hole and bury himself in it at this point in time.

The fashion guru or ex-fashion guru as he thought was contemplating on how to salvage his career after this show. He expected boos and tirades over what his models were wearing but no such reaction came instead he heard cheers and provocative "whoos" he looked at the crowd whom were all loving the new risky designs.

"Bu~ How?"

Duke peaked over the newspaper he was now reading in Hoity's mind. "Sex sells, baby."

After the show critics and the press were praising Hoity's new line of lingerie and even the ninety year old minotaur owner of Playbull wanted to commission some new outfits. What Hoity thought was going to be a complete disaster turns out to be one of his best shows in a very long time. Hoity made his way past the crowd and Field and Stream whom were both in more bandages than a pair of mummies visibly shuttered as the now proud fashion guru walked to his dressing room. He saw a note in the door that read:

Hoity it is I Foto Finish would like to request your company at my studio off of Aventura Boulevard.

Hoity was ecstatic at this message and Duke was hopeful at the prospect at finally getting more tail since it had been more than forty-eight hours since he last got laid.

One change of clothing, a cab ride and twenty minutes later the grey earth pony arrived at Foto's studio simply named The Factory. There was one tiny issue and was it was now on fire. Scratch that last part it was a huge issue and the building was raging inferno. It would later be found out the fire was caused by very flammable silver nitrate being exposed to a warm flash bulb.

Hoity rushed to the entrance and saw Foto's entourage standing outside the building. The firefighters were simply trying to contain the blaze.

"Is anyone still in there?!" Hoity questioned a blue maned stylist. "We think Miss Finish is still in there."

"Is anyone going to save her?"

"The fire is too big and the fireponies are just trying to stop the fire from spreading as magic has no effect on silver based flames."

Hoity could just barely hear a something coming from a second story window. "Looks, like we have to save her Duke."

"Yeah, how about no." The king said in a cold voice.

"What do you mean no?! What about the whole hero thing?!" Hoity shouted out loud.

"The hero thing as you call it only works for large groups of people. I mean looks at this way she's only one chick, there are millions of them elsewhere."

"Fine, I don't need your help. I can save her myself." Hoity was about to run into the burning building not he felt that his hooves wouldn't move. "Duke, let me have control of my legs, now."

"No."

Hoity knew the only way to win was to build up enough will power. He mentally grabbed one of his own forelegs and punched himself in the face. In Hoity mind that sent Duke reeling back slightly.

The ponies in the area were watching the fashion guru kick his own flank. Hoity bashed his head against the concrete of the sidewalk. "THIS...IS MY...BODY... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!?”

Duke was for one the first time in his life. He was slowly fading away and Hoity knew it, so instead of beating himself unconscious which would mean he couldn't save Foto. He stopped fighting and rushed into the building. Once he was inside he bucked open the door to the stairs. Hoity finally found her with a support beam pinning her to the ground. "Foto!" He called out to her to see if she was still conscious. He received no response.

The fashion guru had to work fast. So adding one more injury to his list for the evening, he rammed himself into the beam causing it to snap in half and he lifted the unconscious and burned but still breathing mare on to back just as the ceiling from the floor above gave out. Hoity saw the entrance of the building but blacked out as he just massaged to get outside.

(Blackness)

Once again Duke was in the void and once again there was Tim the grim reaper. The former kicker of ass turned to the robbed figure and shrugged his shoulders. "What the hell." Duke crossed over to the other side.

The void was now bathed in a soft white light as Duke stepped forward with the grim reaper making sure that this time he didn't try to pull a fast one.

Four days Later at Mareami Urgent Care

Hoity had woken up six broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a heavy concussion and deep lacerations to his front legs. He woke up about two day after the incident and when he came to; he noticed a lack of Duke Nukem.

As for why he was still at the hospital, he was visiting Foto Finish whom looked like she had been through hell herself.

Foto Finish was finally waking up after four days. She noticed the grey stallion and motioned towards him to come closer. She threw her forelegs around his neck and brought him in for a tight hug which wasn't a good idea as she yelped in pain as her legs were still covered in burns.

Instead of returning the embrace Hoity firmly pressed his lips into hers because if there is one thing he learned from Duke and that was to 'just go for it.'

Foto just giggled at this brash action. "So, where do we go from here?"

"Well, my dear since I now have more than a few new commissions; I am going to skip waiting for the Gala to spend time with you instead once you leave this dreary place, I shall take you out for a night on the town here on Down Beach. Then I am going to..." Hoity learned in and whispered something into Foto's ear which caused the sky blue mare to go wide-eyed and blushed heavily at the grey stallion's intimate suggestion.

"...aren't you a little bold?" She cooed.

Hoity shook his head. "My dear Foto, fortune favors the bold."

Foto scooted over in the hospital bed and motioned for Hoity to join her and the two continued to make conversation and hold each other. A nurse got an earful of what they were talking about and decided to close the door to the private room less the two fashion-centric ponies disturb the other patients.

The End

Special thanks to anyone who waited patiently for this fic.