Adventures in Multidimensional Dating

It had been a really long day.

"I understand that some of us on the team may be focused more on killing the enemies than pushing the objective, but c'mon fellas, this is a team-based shooter, and there is clearly a payload to move!" I tried to plead with my incompetent teammates, attempting to make them see reason, but unfortunately, everyone except me (and the Reinhardt I was pocketing) went off to the next chokepoint and got immediately killed. The Rein and I looked at each other and sighed. "I think I'm gonna need a break after this one."

"I getcha, fam. Shouldn't be too much longer now. I for one appreciate that someone's dedicated enough to main our lovable Egyptian Grandma." And with that reassurance, we stuck to that payload like glue.

I alternated between healing my pocket and casually melting the health bars of any who shot at my buddy. I had my ult, and so did he, but the rest of their team would probably decimate us anyways. As much as I loved that Cthulu-looking Zenyatta skin, he had been a pain in my ass for the entire game, and his ult would negate anything we threw at it. And Orisa and Bastion never make a good combo. The seconds ticked by. "Might as well use the-" But just then, our Reaper found their backline, and with a single press of Q, singlehandedly wiped out the entire enemy team. Miraculously, we had won.

"Welp, that's it for me. G'night, Jonnie."

"Night, Scerick. Man, I hate playing Rei-" and with that, Overwatch was shut down.

"Fuck my life. Fuck it with a white-hot branding iron. Wrapped in barbed wire. Why do I main her?" I lamented to nobody in particular. It was nearing eleven at night, and the residential authorities at Harpers Ferry Job Corps were bound to come in, checking to see if all our lights were out. Though I liked to live life dangerously (even though I was an Advanced Microsoft student, and thus a fat, lazy computer nerd), I didn't want to get in trouble. After all, Job Corps had done more for me than anything I'd ever experienced in my life. Well, except for Boy Scouts and Dual Enrollment, but really, fuck them. Boy Scouts was all paperwork and fundraising for assholes who didn't deserve it, and Dual Enrollment drove me batshit crazy. Sure, I earned Eagle Scout and got that glorified high school diploma in the end, but Job Corps would actually get me a job. Might even let me keep one for once!

Mental ranting's almost as exhausting as actual ranting, I concluded as I navigated my way over to Reddit. One last check of my PMs to see if I got anything from anyone, as well as a few memes to save to my Pictures folder, and then it was off to bed, to prepare myself for another hard day of studying for the A+. Maybe one of these days I might even pass that practice exam!

Something was off with Reddit. I'd bought myself a year of Gold, so I shouldn't have seen any advertisements. And yet a particularly annoying colorful square was flashing itself at me. It displayed to me a photo of some spiral armed galaxy, and it had the head and shoulders of a feminine pony grinning at the camera inlaid in the bottom middle. On either side of the galaxy came the words We know how lonely you are. Join us today, and meet someone new! It looked like some generic advertisement for some fake dating site for furries and bronies. I should know, as I'd fallen for several similar scams before. This thing looked no different. So I refreshed the page.

It didn't go away. This time, the pony's eyes followed me as I moved my head from side to side, inspecting my laptop. I looked at the ad, bemused. Why had it not gone away? Was it a virus? The idea seemed more and more likely, but Avast! hadn't picked up anything. I logged out of Reddit for the moment, thinking. What viruses can't be detected by something designed to find them, and then destroy them? That'd have to be a pretty damn good programmer. I logged back into Reddit.

The ad had changed again. Now the pony looked worried, and a little confused. The words had changed, too. They now said, Why haven't you clicked on me yet? Here I thought you were the adventurous type. That did it for me. I closed Chrome entirely, and then restarted my laptop. I tapped my fingers impatiently on the table. My fatigue had been tossed in the corner while I tried to solve this issue, but hopefully, this would have fixed it. I just needed to make sure that nothing else was wrong. A few more keystrokes slid me smoothly onto my main screen.

And then the ad popped up of its own accord.

It was almost completely different now. The galaxy had moved up to the top of the now screen-sized rectangle. It continued to spiral while the words Interdimensional Dating! flashed gently on top of it. The pony was glowering now, snout scrunched up in an admittedly cute expression. She had freckles along her cheeks, and her eyes flashed an impossible violet color. Her coat had a sharp shade of vermillion to it, and her mane was interlocking strands of emerald and chartreuse. Whoever this hacker was, they were either good at designing original characters or had enough money to afford a good artist. The mare wasn't positioned in such a way as I could see what her cutie mark was, but I would assume that it was galaxy-related, from the insistent way everything else flashed at me, and the overall space motif of the intrusive ad. The words on either side of the mare now read, Really! After all the trouble I go through to try to help you out by getting you a partner, you make halfhearted attempts to make me go away? Not on my watch, mister!

I stared at my screen. "Who are you?"

The mare smiled. More words appeared as the old ones faded. Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a mare in an advertisement.

I frowned. "You're quoting V for Vendetta at me."

Her smile widened. Your powers of observation serve you well.

I sat back in my subsidized government furniture. "So."

The mare tilted her head, confused. So?

"Not to sound rude or anything, cute pony virus that is in my computer, but, uh, how do I make you go away?"

She looked affronted at this. I am not a virus! Viruses hurt things! I was made to seek out those who need our services and offer them to that entity. Any entity across the multiverse! She blushed a little. I may have gone through your social media a little bit, but it wasn't anything too intrusive. I was just looking. I swear!

This thing was being honest with me, which was unnerving. I raised an eyebrow. "And your services are... dating?"

She nodded vigorously. Yup! All kinds of ponies from all across the dimensions have signed up! No furries or scalies, though. My creator hasn't figured out how to get to their worlds yet.

"Why would you sa- oh yeah, you went through my search history."

And your pictures folder. She blushed again. A lot of interesting things in there.

"So, how does it work?" This thing wasn't acting like a virus. Those things were direct and riddled with typos. While she was direct as well, she seemed more trustworthy. And that was the first law in Boy Scouts. I couldn't exactly get rid of her, either, so I might as well just ride it out.

She perked up considerably. All you have to do is click my snout, and we can begin!

I shrugged, moused over her snout, and clicked it. She went cross-eyed for a moment, then giggled, and promptly vanished. The logo on the top was still there, but it shrank a little. The mare had moved to a corner and was pointing a hoof at some boxes I could type into, and some familiar directions on top of them. A few were already filled out for me. The 'Male' box was already checked, as was my age selected as '20' and my location as 'Earth - Human'. "I assume you filled those out?"

Like I said, I looked through your social media. I hope you don't mind me expediting a few things here and there. As I scrolled further down, I noticed a few things that she'd selected for me that definitely made sense in that context. Gender Preferences had already been completed, with 'Female' and 'Hermaphrodite/Futanari' checked. Age Preferences had '18 to 30' selected, but also checked 'Impossibly Old and Ageless but Looks Like They're In Their Twenties'. For reference, next to this statement there was a picture of Princess Celestia, comically stuffing her face with cake and grinning sheepishly at the camera. Degrees of Humanity had 'Human', 'Anthropomorphic', and 'Pony' selected, but it also had 'Monster Girl (Situational)' checked as well. What hadn't she done for me?!

It turned out that there were only two left. 'What type of relationship are you looking for?' and 'Describe yourself!' were both left empty. There was no option to post a photo or a video. "What's up with the lack of photo and video posting capabilities?"

We want users to get to know each other without the whole 'judging a book by its cover' nonsense. We disable that until enough conversation is sent between users that the both of them can check the 'I like this user enough to want to meet them' box. That's where this comes in. Right next to me, something started to materialize. It was short and black, and looked like one of those things you buy from Netgear and you could hook up to your computer, and that would boost your wifi or some shit like that. It even had a USB drive. This is how you travel across dimensions. It scans your entire physical form, then it sucks you through and assembles you at your partner's home, right next to them. The same thing happens to someone who wants to visit you. That only becomes an option after you've seen their photo and/or video, and you both still like each other.

"That's... actually a fair system. I actually like what you have going here. Thank you for this!" And with that, I set to work describing myself and what I wanted. You pretty much already know the short version of the former, but the latter was a bit tougher to put to words.

Wait, who's even reading this? I'm just writing this down for shits and giggles, and as a record of all the events that transpired that evening, but who would actually read this? Or even my accounts of everything that followed? And why am I allowing myself to be distracted like this? I swear, if I didn't know deep down that this shit was real, I'd think I was seriously fucked up.

But yeah, I filled out both sections. It was pretty standard as far as what anyone would want from a partner: friendly, kind, loving, passionate. Looks didn't matter to me, though. It'd be hypocritical of me, the fat, lazy, acne-plastered fella, to judge based on appearance. I never did, and I never would, so I included that bit of info too.

I checked the time. Holy shit, it was two in the morning! I needed to go the fuck to sleep. I turned to the pony dating site version of Clippy and asked her, "Is this everything?"

She nodded. Go ahead and get some sleep now. I promise you that tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of your life! She squished herself against the inside of my monitor, trying to hug me goodnight. I reciprocated it with a grin, and then shut down my computer with a yawn.

It had been a really long night.