Lyra's Human Weiners

by Misty Shadow

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Sex, Ember, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Human, Lyra
Length: 5044

Lyra Heartstrings finally goes nuts. Features sausage transformation. Featured on Goodreads.

NOTE: This is an old gag story. It does not reflect the style and philosophy of my writing now.

Lyra and her friends go on a bizarre adventure to get what Lyra calls "human weiners". Featured on Goodreads.

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/18804320.CloudMistDragon

Published 2019-01-09 13:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-09 13:00:01 UTC

Starlight's Response

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

Starlight Glimmer replied to Lyra Heartstrings as such in response to the absurd proposition she had made in Twilight Sparkle’s castle that day. She gave Lyra a dumbfounded stare as she, unphased, cheerfully answered…

“Human weiners. I was wondering if you could get me some human weiners.”

“But I don’t even know what a human weiner is.” Starlight replied, perplexed as ever. “I don’t even know what a human or a weiner is.”

“You really need to get out more then.” Lyra teased, leading Starlight to roll her eyes in bemusement. “Humans are the creatures that inhabit the mirror world and that other place that looks like a globe.”

“Eh?” Starlight said, still confused.

“You know, that big ball...heh heh…” Lyra explained before she lost herself in thought, chuckling as her face contorted into a naughty grin. “Big balls…eh heh heh heh heh...”

Starlight pulled a foreleg away, walking back nervously and looking at Lyra with concern before Twilight Sparkle and Spike walked into the library.

“Guys...I think Lyra’s beginning to get a tad *bird whistle*.” Starlight tried to communicate her thoughts on Lyra’s possible delirium to her friends as modestly as possible, imitating the sound of a bird whistling and rotating her hoof about the side of her head. “Do you know of anything that’s happened lately that could’ve disturbed her? She’s behaving oddly about these things she calls “human weiners”.”

Just the name had Spike covering his mouth with his claws to muffle his laughter, only for Twilight to shoot him a look of bemusement while giving him a nudge.

“Oh, come on!” Spike exclaimed in protest. “Even Ember would laugh at that!”

“Is this part of some in-joke you’ve yet to let me in on?” Starlight suspected, shooting the two a suspicious glare.

“Trust me, it’s not.” Twilight answered in frustration, remembering her personal experience with in-jokes in What About Discord?. “I’m unsure myself of what she’s referring to. Even in my years of intense research and dimensional travel, I know little about humans other than the fact that they live on a giant ball that’s mostly wet.”

Lyra continued to coo even louder as Spike chuckled to himself again. He stopped as Twilight turned around to look at him before turning back to Starlight.

“As for weiners...she could mean their dogs…”

Both Lyra and Spike laughed, causing Twilight’s face to contort into a stern look.

“That’s enough!” she yelled. “If this is part of some prank you two are pulling, come clean about it now! This kind of humor is simply juvenile!”

“This isn’t a joke though.” Lyra replied. “I know a place where we can all get some good human weiners.”

“Well, I guess that answers the question of, “Are those real?”, ha ha ha!” Spike continued cracking up at high-school boy jokes at Twilight’s expense. Putting her hoof on her face, Twilight decided to bargain…

“Look,” she proposed, “if we come with you to get those weiners, will you stop snickering to yourselves like prepubescent colts every three seconds?”

“Sure.” Lyra promised. “If we can’t do this the quick and easy way with the magic from Starlight’s horn, we’ll just take the nice and long road with the magic from Ember’s scepter.”

“Oh no…” Twilight said in thought, groaning as she remembered what Spike said about the kind of thing Ember would laugh at too.

“Pfft...huh huh huh huh…” Ember snickered to herself like Twilight feared she would after they arrived at the Dragon Kingdom to explain the situation.

“What’d I tell ya?” Spike bragged to an annoyed Twilight.

“So, you mind telling us what got you into this weiner business with Lyra?” a still irritated Twilight asked Ember with low enthusiasm.

“It puts meat on the table for my subjects and I.” Ember answered proudly.

“You meet with your subjects on the table?” Twilight asked in confusion, not knowing what Ember meant by “meat”, having never eaten or even seen meat made all her life as a herbivore.

“Show her, Gulper.” Ember said with the snap of her fingers, signaling to a blue dragon with white hair covering his eyes to show Twilight and her companions how they prepared weiners in the Dragon Kingdom.
Gulper walked over to a nearby tree, and when a pig appeared from behind the tree, Gulper donned an evil smile as he pulled out a large axe. Lyra and Spike watched unphased with smiles on their faces while Twilight and Starlight looked on with shock as chopping sounds and the pig’s squeals were heard. Eventually, the noise of the chopping stopped...and it was shown that Gulper had finished cutting down the tree and turning it into a table and chair, as the pig squealed with delight, clapping and complimenting Gulper’s work.

“You see,” said Gulper, “that’s the table…”

*FWOO*

Gulper suddenly let out a breath of magical fire on the pig, transforming it into a large sausage.

“And that’s the meat.”

Gulper then put the sausage on the table and sat down, gulping the entire sausage down in a single bite.

*tick tick click*

“32 seconds!” Ember exclaimed as she hit a timer. “Better than yesterday’s 35!”

Ember then turned to Twilight and her friends.

“So, what do you all think?” she asked, oblivious to Twilight and Starlight’s disturbed reaction. “Pretty impressive, right?”

“.....One of your henchmen just killed and ate a sentient being whole.” Twilight replied, aghast.

“Just?” Ember responded in bemusement, misunderstanding why Twilight wasn’t impressed. “I’ll have you know that it takes practice and dedication to do that so quickly! And it’s not just one, it’s tons of my henchmen who can do that in record time!”

“EMBER!” Twilight and Starlight yelled simultaneously, enraged. “What you’re doing is MURDER! Killing innocent animals like that is EVIL!”

“Oh, please.” Ember retorted, unmoved by their outburst. “Ever heard of survival of the fittest? It’s not because of some pampered pony’s idea of evil that weak, stupid animals like pigs fall prey to strong, smart animals like us dragons. It’s just natural selection. Isn’t that right, Lyra?”

“You bet!” Lyra affirmed Ember’s thoughts. “That’s what I learned from studying humans. They created and proved the theory of natural selection. You’d be surprised at how intelligent human beings are. I’m so proud to get my favorite weiners from them!”

Beginning to put two and two together, Twilight and Starlight then asked with concern…

“Can you please tell us more about how these humans create their weiners? Is it also by roasting pigs with magical fire?”

“No, they grind them up back in their world.” Lyra answered nonchalantly. “But they do sometimes roast them with fire too after they’re done for fun.”

“And after witnessing all this,” replied Twilight and Starlight, “you mean to tell us that you don’t find the ideologies or practices of these humans to be abhorrent?”

“Um...no?” Lyra answered, taking slight offense at their suggestion. “Human beings have been favored by nature in their world through their hard work and determination. They’ve contributed far more to their society than any pig, why does what they do offend you so much?”

“.....” Twilight and Starlight stayed quiet for a while upon hearing that, admittedly stumped.

“Um...uh…” they stammered, trying to think. “Because…”

Lyra, Ember, and Spike all gave them weird stares, pressuring Twilight into blurting out a half-baked argument.

“Because we’re all equal here?” Twilight said sheepishly, even earning herself a weird look from Starlight.

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Ember and Spike shared a hearty laugh together as Twilight frowned and put her head down in embarrassment and despondence.

“Wow, I guess it’s true what they say.” Ember said in a derisive tone. “If you don’t eat meat, you’re a pussy!”

“A pussy that could really use a weiner in her hole!” Spike mocked. “Ha ha ha!”

Lyra blushed upon hearing Spike say that, thinking about what she liked to do with her weiners with Bon Bon.

“Hey, chin up.” Ember told the glum Twilight. “I’m not going to keep grinding you into the ground. I’d rather just do what you came here for and take you to the human world to see the grinder.”

“Actually…” Twilight replied as she tilted her head up forebodingly. “Though I appreciate the offer, I would rather just go there with Starlight.”

“Huh?” Ember reacted in confusion as Lyra and Spike shared it with puzzled looks on their faces. “Why’d you change your mind all of a sudden?”

“I just think it would be better if I gave Starlight a personal, private lesson first, to make sure she understands why what you do is okay.” Twilight answered.

“...This has nothing to do with-” Ember said in suspicion before being interrupted.

“No, no, no!” Twilight hastily exclaimed. “I’m totally down with this whole weiner thing now, trust me. Just wait for me at the castle and I promise I’ll bring you all some weiners back!”

“Works for me.” a nonchalant Lyra said, shrugging with her eyes closed and a smile on her face. “That’ll give me time to invite Bon Bon over for later. Just make sure you go to this farm and tell them you’re picking up “Lyra’s special”.”

Lyra then used her magic to telekinetically give Starlight a piece of paper with a teleportation incantation on it. Walking away snickering to herself, Spike and Ember just shrugged their shoulders to themselves in confusion and uncertainty before flying over to the castle. Starlight shared this sentiment, looking over at Twilight to ask her in a bewildered tone of voice…

“So...what about this lesson?”

“Well…” Twilight said in an ominous tone with a sinister smirk on her face. “Let’s just say that if we must accept Ember’s barbaric ways, we must ensure that the ones she has oppressed are being treated as equal to their oppressors…”

Starlight gulped, worried as the sound of a clock tower bell could be heard. Black birds were pecking at something on the ground that suddenly began to squirm, and startled, the birds flew off. Lyra, watching this from the dining room window of Twilight’s castle, chuckled to herself forebodingly. Meanwhile, Spike was talking to Ember at the dining room table, where both of them sat across from each other.

“Do you think we threw the bird at Twilight a little hard back there?” Spike asked Ember, feeling unnerved and somewhat guilty. “The more I think of it, the more I realize why a sight like that wouldn’t leave her and her mind feeling completely unmolested.”

“Give it a rest, Spike!” Ember exclaimed. “She’s not going to fly over the cuckoo’s nest over me challenging one of her ideologies! I don’t care if it’s just weiners, when you’re challenged like that, you got to make your point, stick up for it, and drive that point home! It’s a matter of principle, always stand up for yourself and be brutally honest! That’s just how I roll, and I treat everyone the same way, regardless of whether it’s Twilight or Lyra!”

“Lyra?” Spike replied curiously. “You’ve argued with Lyra before? I’ve seen her fight with Bon Bon, but other than that, she doesn’t seem to be the disputatious type.”

“Oh, trust me.” Ember confidently rebutted, smirking. “I’ve gotten her going before, at least one time when I was helping her get to meet humans for her anthropology research, or whatever she calls it...”

A flashback began showing Ember and Lyra on the weiner farm, arguing outside of a farmhouse over humans.

“No, Ember…” Lyra said, frustrated. “They do not all look alike!”

“Do you even know how easy it was to get these humans to come here?” Ember retorted. “All I had to do was tell one group of eight that we were going to Popeye’s, and the other eight that we were going to Chik-fil-A on the way home from a Sunday drive! I think that should be enough to prove my case!”

Behind them stood sixteen young human males who all had the same white skin complexion and the same mop of brown hair. One of them, angry over being deceived and insulted, said to Ember…

“Your heart is black, girl…”

“As black as the beans under your weiner!” Ember snapped. “You should just be grateful I got you out of the house, away from your social media and creepy Mark Zuckerbot!”

“People have social media on their phones too, Ember.” Lyra told Ember in bemusement. “They’re not privileged to have you kidnap them, and Mark Zuckerberg is just over there!”

Lyra angrily pointed to Mark Zuckerberg having a cow in a pen drink milk.

“Milk comes from a cow before it comes from a sausage…” Mark creepily hummed to himself.

“Well, you’re right about them always being hostage to people like him, unfortunately…” Ember admitted as both she and Lyra had disturbed looks on their faces. “But us, we’re magical creatures! And even though they see ponies like you every day, I’m a dragon! I’m like an alien to them! It’s not every day you get abducted by an alien!”

“What, why you…” Lyra fumed in response to how overbearing Ember came off as while being fully unaware. “Why are you so stubborn about being prejudiced towards these humans?”

“Because I’m right!” Ember exclaimed assertively.

“Why do you have to be this way?!” Lyra cried. “Tell me why!”

“Because I want it that way!” Ember yelled. “It’s not like I made them all look like they’re part of a boy band!”

“Boy band?” Lyra replied before she started chuckling to herself strangely and going into her own little world like she had done in front of Starlight. “Heh heh...yeah, you got me there. Being backstage with all those boys would be pretty special…”

Ember just looked at Lyra oddly before the flashback ended.

“I’ll tell you,” Ember continued discussing things with Spike, “Lyra is weird sometimes. I thought I’d be able to connect with her better after I found out these humans she kept obsessing over actually existed, but it still feels like she’d just rather be in her own little hole.”

“Great, that makes two ponies now who we have to worry about flying over the nest.” a concerned Spike replied. “It makes you wonder if they both fell prey to the same stone...oh no. You don’t think that Starlight too, would-”

“Would I WHAT?” Starlight interrupted Spike both abruptly and angrily from behind, having teleported back, startling him and Ember.

“Oh, hey there, heh heh…” Spike greeted an annoyed Starlight with a nervous chuckle. “Weren’t you having a lesson with Twilight?”

“I left in a huff.” Starlight answered indignantly. “I couldn’t take being the “faithful student” of my “morally superior” teacher who considers herself too high and mighty for facts and logic anymore. Who needs the truth when you got fantasies of “complete unity” with the only race of creatures stupid enough to ignore reality in favor of destroying themselves besides us ponies?”

“So you’re a self-hating pony now?” Ember gawked. “Damn, she cucked you pretty hard.”

“Don’t even start with me!” Starlight exclaimed. “You’re not the one who had to sit through Mark Zuckerbot and his retinue of phony tech tycoon “friends” preach the wonders of dumbing down the population and putting the “oppressors” under the “good kind” of slavery that we all “deserve”. I’m just standing there like, “Twilight, these are the same people who have beaten and killed millions of equines just like us!”, and Twilight’s just like, “Well, I’m sure they only do it to ponies like Chancellor Neighsay.”. Like, EXCUSE ME?! Oh sure, millions of ponies are just like a one-in-a-million minority!”

“Then you have my apologies.” Ember remorsefully replied, flabbergasted. “I know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. Twilight is much crazier now than Lyra will ever hope to be. She is something radical now.”

“Oh, for sure.” Twilight said creepily, suddenly appearing behind Ember and startling her in the same fashion of how Starlight startled Spike. “Nothing wrong with being radical for the side speaking out against oppression. The humans I spoke to agreed wholeheartedly, and I’m certain the beliefs they shared with me accurately reflect the wishes of all of humanity. Were it not for each and every one of you, I would’ve never stepped out of my comfort zone and opened my eyes to the light. So to all of you, I must offer a reward.”

“Ooh, ooh, did you get the Jumbo pack?” an oblivious Lyra asked excitedly. “Extra long? Cheese-filled?”

“Better.” Twilight replied as she held out an 8-pack of hotdogs and a key. “You get to have your weiners and a special room with Bon Bon.”

Lyra started to sweat, hyperventilate, and blush.

“Oh their GOD!” she cried, feeling intense ecstasy as she grabbed the weiners. “I can already feel them squirming in delight!”

“Wait a minute...don’t tell me…” Ember had a terrifying premonition, thinking back to her conversation with Lyra as something donned on her.

Twilight then turned to Spike.

“You get to watch Lyra do her thing with Bon Bon.”

Spike gulped.

“I have the weirdest boner right now…” he thought to himself nervously as he followed Lyra.

Twilight then turned to Starlight.

“Starlight, you get a makeup lesson in my office later. Try to bail out of it and you’ll be out of your job as the school guidance counselor.”

“As if!” Starlight exclaimed. “I quit! And don’t even think for a second that I’m done with you!”

Starlight teleported away.

“Hmph.” Twilight grunted. “As if you can escape me. I know where you live after all.”

“I can say the exact same thing.” Ember boasted.

“Ooh, flapping your smart mouth as always.” Twilight retorted. “My gift to you will be doing us all a favor and shutting that smart mouth.”

“And if I refuse to be silent?!” Ember bellowed, her hands shaking with rage.

“Well…” Twilight replied sinisterly as she made another 8-pack of hotdogs appear with her magic. “Princess Celestia is not yet aware of your valkyrian tradition yet. If I were to tell her that you could not be reasoned with, that would be the perfect motive for us to go to war with the dragons. However, if you agree to be my slave and allow me to drive some weiners down your hole, I’m sure we can work something out…”

Furious, Ember immediately grabbed Twilight’s mouth with her claw.

“I’LL DRIVE YOU INTO THE GROUND FIRST!” she shouted as she slammed Twilight into the floor so hard, an indentation in the floor was made. A wave of sound shook up the castle, causing a door to slam.

“YYYYYAAAAAHHHHH!” Spike screamed in horror. “HELP ME! I CAN’T TAKE THIS, STOP!”

“Holy SHIT!” Ember yelled in shock. Extremely paranoid of what Lyra could be doing to Spike after seeing how crazy Twilight got, she quickly flew down the corridor, not noticing Twilight twitching slightly behind her...

“This isn’t fair!” Spike continued to holler, scaring Ember more and getting her to fly faster. “I’m too young!”

“Please help, anyone!” Spike kept yelling as Ember was franting. “I’m caught by the balls right between…”

Ember finally arrived to rescue Spike, only for her fear to become astonishment at the sight of Spike’s weiner, which was invisible to the human eye (don’t tell him that), trapped in the doorway of Lyra and Bon Bon’s special room.

“...a door.” Spike finished, feeling embarrassed after seeing Ember’s reaction. “I was just following Twilight’s orders by watching Lyra and Bon Bon do their thing, when all of a sudden, there was this huge boom, and now this jam!”

Ember tried to fight it, but couldn’t resist cracking up a bit at Spike’s wording.

“Don’t you dare laugh!” Spike demanded in frustration, gesturing to the problem. “This is a big deal!”

“I’m sorry…” Ember apologized, albeit half-heartedly. “I just can’t believe I rushed over here expecting To Catch a Predator only to get The Dick van Dyke Show! Ah ha ha ha ha!”

“Holy human Jesus, Ember, grow up!” Spike yelled. “Have some empathy! It’s funny to you because I’m the small one suffering and you’re the big one who’s blessed!”

“Take it easy, I’ll help you.” Ember consoled as she went over to the door to try and get Spike’s guy parts unwedged. “It can’t be that hard.”

“Oh, I wish…” Spike said bashfully, blushing red with embarrassment.

As hard as Ember tried to push the door open, she didn’t succeed until Lyra helped pull from the other side, finally noticing the commotion.

“Well…” she remarked giddily, chuckling to herself as Spike was freed, his face now redder than a tomato. “That’s one way to ding-dong ditch! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Lyra!” Ember called out to Lyra, not forgetting her objective. “You need to tell me what’s going on right now! What have you been-”

Ember paused in mid-sentence, dumbfounded at the sight of Bon Bon dancing around while cloaking herself in a bed sheet and singing Goodbye Horses. Pulling back the sheet to unveil her full body, Ember and Spike finally got to see what Lyra had been doing with her special order of human weiners. Ember was even more shocked when she saw the weiners begin to squirm in Bon Bon’s lower hole, as if they were alive.

“I should’ve known…” she said in awe. “I had my suspicions, but I couldn’t put it all together until now. You were never interested in weiners made by humans...you wanted weiners made from humans.”

“What’s the problem with that?” Lyra asked. “The humans aren’t dead, they’ve just been transformed.”

“Yeah Lyra,” retorted Spike sarcastically, “you’re not a killer, just a rapist.”

“And a liar!” Ember scolded Lyra as such. “You told me you were just studying those humans I brought to you!”

“This is part of my studying!” Lyra argued feebly. “Sex education!”

“If you keep up being a smartass,” threatened a fuming Ember, “I will shut your big mouth just like-glomph!”

“You did with me?” Twilight gloated with a sneer, abruptly appearing again and interrupting Ember by sticking a pack of hotdogs in her mouth and tackling her to the ground by way of revenge.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Spike asked in fear and confusion as Ember spit out the hot dog pack and started having to wrestle against Twilight on the floor. “Why are you two fighting?”

“Trust me, this isn’t just over some catty remarks she made…” Ember joked to keep herself calm under the pressure. “She is totally insane, she legitimately wants to go to war with the dragons just because I like to eat meat!”

“Oh, how wrong.” Twilight retorted. “I hold no grudge against you and the dragons, I only view you as an obstacle. Ponies, dragons, and humans alike are all overpopulating our worlds, and you wish to kill pigs rather than bring balance to our worlds. Slaughtering farm animals in mass while hoards of humans who offer the world nothing remain unscathed. With so many humans choosing to be worthless, what could be so evil about binding their souls to meat that can at least be put to use? For their own sake, we need an establishment to keep the humans under control!”

“I don’t believe it…” Spike remarked in awe at Twilight’s madness. “Twilight was behind 9/11! Not George Bush!”

“Resistance is futile!” Twilight exclaimed as she kept Ember subdued with the magic of her horn. “Even if you have greater physical prowess, you don’t have it what it takes to compete against a master of magic!”

“Magic…” Spike thought to himself. “Oh yeah!”

Spike remembered that there was magic in Ember’s scepter, and since he was the one who originally claimed the scepter, he could rightfully call it to his hand. Breathing fire on his claw, he caused the scepter to teleport to it. Then, taking careful aim, he used the scepter to shoot a magic beam at Twilight’s face.

“Agh!” Twilight grunted in pain, releasing Ember from her magical grip while distracted.

“Hyah!” Ember cried, using the opportunity to kick Twilight off of her.

“Thanks Spike,” she told the smiling dragon as he handed her the scepter, “I owe you one. Let’s finish this before things get any more out of hand. And Lyra, make sure you and Bon Bon get back…”

Lyra and Bon Bon obeyed as Spike and Ember held hands, causing the scepter to charge with magical energy. Twilight, seeing this as she recovered, scoffed.

“Oh yeah?” she gawked. “Well, two can play at that game!”

Twilight started charging up magical energy in her horn to counter attack Spike and Ember with...magical hands.

“Take that!” she yelled as she jumped at Ember and slapped her with the hands she magically generated on her hooves. “Once I’m through with you, my greatest detractor, I can finally convince everyone to love me!”

Ember shot Twilight a deadpan glare as she pointed the scepter that had finished charging at Twilight and made one final comeback…

“No one loves you, Oscar Meyer.”

*PUWOO*

With one direct hit from that charged blast, Twilight was blown out of the guest bedroom she had lent Lyra and Bon Bon, crashing through the walls and into the other guest bedroom she had lent to Starlight.

“Woah…” Spike remarked in amazement. “That was so...weenie.”

“...” Ember blushed, feeling slightly embarrassed about her goofy finishing line. “At least you didn’t say it was corndog…”

Meanwhile, as Twilight was trying to recuperate, dragging herself on the floor in Starlight’s bedroom in pain, she soon found herself approached by two familiar silhouettes. One of her student, the other, her former mentor.

“Uh oh.” Twilight said with a nervous gulp.

“I guess all that leaves now is you…” Ember and Spike said simultaneously in agreement as they turned to face the other criminal.

“Hey, what are you looking at me for?” Lyra complained. “You’re the ones who made the hole in the wall! OW!”

Lyra rubbed the back of her head in pain after Bon Bon clubbed her there with her hoof, as even she was growing tired of Lyra’s disrespectful charade.

“Alright, I’m sorry I lied to you.” Lyra conceded and apologized. “But you have to understand, I honestly didn’t believe I was doing anything wrong. Beastiality may be a taboo in the human world, but I am an intelligent pony who identifies as a human. I knew what I was doing to those guys was dirty, but I was told they’d enjoy it. If some humans don’t even believe that males getting raped is possible, it must not be that bad…”

“Lyra…” Ember said sternly. “You had me kidnap innocent people and unwittingly help them be turned into sex toys. Even if you don’t view what you did as wrong, it’s thanks to you that I now have blood on my hands.”

“But you have to understand, I didn’t start this!” Lyra exclaimed defensively. “Human beings were going to do this to themselves no matter what! If I refused their offer to make people into weiners for me, someone else would’ve just taken it! It’s just part of the-”

“That’s enough.” Princess Celestia interrupted them, walking into the bedroom with Starlight by her side. “Lyra, you must accept accountability for your actions. You could’ve told me what was going on and I would’ve worked things out with these humans right away. You have no excuse.”

“Forgive me.” Lyra apologized more sincerely. “I will bear any punishment you feel is necessary.”

“Just promise that you will no longer subject anyone to this treatment.” Celestia ordered.

“You have my word.” Lyra replied.

“Good.” Celestia said as she confiscated the weiners (much to Bon Bon’s embarrassment), returning them all to their hotdog pack. “I will see what I can do to restore the humanity of these poor innocents.”

“Wait, what about Twilight?” a concerned Spike asked.

“Twilight has been taken into custody after willingly surrendering herself to us.” Starlight explained. “She does not wish for a pardon, her defeat apparently caused her to remember the good pony she once was. She says that she feels something evil came over her, like a demon took advantage of her frail psyche that wasn’t prepared to understand humans. Whatever the case, it seems the Twilight we know and love is still with us.”

“So...it’s over?” Spike replied, dazed.

“I guess.” Starlight said with a shrug.

“I don’t know, it just feels weird.” Spike remarked, unsure of how to react. “For all that screwing around, this ending just feels premature.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely over.” a bemused Starlight teleported away as a snickering Celestia did the same.

“Come on Spike, don’t go having an existential crisis on me.” Ember interjected. “Who cares if the ending feels weird so long as we both had a great climax?”

“Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” the two shared one last good laugh together.

“I feel this has been a pretty happy ending, personally.” Lyra chimed in. “We all learned a valuable lesson about the importance of loving humanity.”

“Yes, loving humanity normally.” they reminded her.

“Don’t worry, I fully intend to keep my promise.” Lyra assured as she began conjuring a spell with her horn. “Thanks to what Twilight showed me in that fight, I already have an idea for a good substitute.”

*POOF*

Lyra and Bon Bon both squealed with delight as they looked down at Lyra’s magically generated human weiner.

“Talk about compensating for something.” Ember joked.

“Hot dog.” Spike remarked.

Epilogue

Twilight Sparkle found herself in a dark room in Princess Celestia’s castle, quivering with fear as she awaited to be “reeducated” by whatever “private lesson” her “former” mentor had planned.

“I hope you are ready to face the consequences of your careless actions.” Celestia told Twilight bluntly, the light from her horn illuminating only their faces. “Just because a few commoners now know about humans and our connection to their world doesn’t mean they’re ready to learn the full truth about the human links…”

The pack of hotdogs Celestia had confiscated from Lyra began to squirm more than ever as a ball of spectral light was shown struggling in chains...