Quite Possibly NEVER that Lonely!
“Man, do I miss having easy access to my horn sometimes…” Sunset Shimmer mused to herself as she fiddled with a guitar string. Her ‘B’ string specifically, which was the latest in a long line of B strings that liked to give up the ghost mid-riff. Being thinner, one would think the E1s would break more often, but Sunset somehow found herself replacing her B stings at about twice the frequency.
Sunset’s bandmates occupied themselves with their own instruments, idly tuning strings or adjusting the tightness of mini-cymbals. Twilight idly adjusted a knob on the soundboard as she asked without looking up, "Oh, you mean your magic?"
“Hehehe… yeaaaaah…” Sunset answered wistfully as she twisted a tuner on her guitar’s headstock. “Wanna switch powers?!” she quipped, looking up with an excited grin.
Twilight sighed. “I would if I could. Besides, I don’t know if you’d find it as useful as you probably think.”
Sunset smiled. “It’s very useful if you use telekinesis for almost everything!”
Fluttershy sat her tambourine on her lap then took a moment to examine her own fingers. “Even more useful than hands?”
“Yeah!” Pinkie shrilled in agreement. “Shaky and Grabby are the best!”
Sunset nodded. “Yeah, but there’s only so much you can do with only two hands. With magic, you can grab and manipulate a bunch of things all at once.” Sunset began to count on her fingers. “Move books, drink tea, write long, embarrassing-in-hindsight love letters to every single member of a band…”
Pinkie giggled. “Okay, but I think you can count on hands in a way you can’t with magic.”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? Magic is way more vers—” Sunset cringe-smiled as the joke smacked her in the face. “Oh, ha ha! Okay, so fingers are useful for certain gestures and tracking numbers less than eleven, but magic is still way more versatile at handling several activities at once.”
“So magic is like an octopus?” Fluttershy suggested.
“Huh? Well…” Sunset thought for a moment. “I guess so! Though magic can reach pretty far…”
“So, more like a giant squid, then?” Fluttershy suggested.
“Uh… probably…”
Rainbow Dash grinned at Sunset, “Okay, but I bet hands beat magic in another regard!”
Sunset thought for a moment. “It’s definitely easier to shake hands then press hooves or even do the whole… foreleg lock thing…”
Rainbow Dash’s grin turned a bit more mischievous. “I mean more along the lines of holding… and rubbing… but sure maybe a little shaking.”
There was a moment of silence as one by one the girls all tuned into the station Rainbow Dash was on.
“Oh, you mean masturbation!” Twilight said excitedly. “I admit, that took me a moment.”
Sunset chuckled. “Close, Twilight. Rainbow ‘Sex, Sports, and Rock n’ Roll’ is talking about hand jobs.”
“Really, Rainbow,” Rarity drawled out indignantly, “must you be so uncouth?”
Rainbow Dash glanced at Applejack. “Well, someone’s gotta tell it like it is.”
Applejack glared. “I feel moderately attacked right now…” she said. Rarity gave Applejack a half smile and slowly reached for and clasped one of the country girl’s hands.
Sunset just smiled. “Hands are well… handy in that regard, but I mean…” Sunset grinned slyly, “magic doesn’t actually feel like you’re doing it to yourself.”
Fluttershy leaned forward a bit, a ‘tell me more’ expression slowly growing on her face.
Rainbow Dash just absentmindedly waved a hand in the air. “Yeah, I’m sure a magic dildo feels great, but what about someone else’s hands?”
Sunset’s smile dropped and her lips pursed slightly as she thought about the question. “Okay, you’ve got me there.”
Applejack cleared her throat.
Rainbow Dash sighed. “And here comes the fun police!”
Applejack shot Rainbow Dash a dirty look. “Actually, I was gonna ask Sunset something kinda personal in a way that’s going take this dirt-caked pig of a conversation and have it wallowing right in a mud puddle.”
Sunset couldn’t help but laugh. “Uh oh, Dash… you must have really kicked AJ’s hornet’s nest if she’s going to escalate things.”
“Seems we really are going all in,” Rarity mused.
“Is that a problem?” Applejack asked, eyebrow raised.
Rarity tittered. “Well, I suppose it’s fine if we have a group accord.”
“Awww, man!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Everyone turned to look at Pinkie.
Pinkie just shook her head. “I just wished I played something besides the drums for that last line of Rarity’s!”
The other girls scrambled to get whatever it was Pinkie dropped, Twilight picked it up first. “Oh! A Chord! As in music… I got it!”
“Can Ah ask my question, or what?!” Applejack said impatiently.
Sunset giggled. “Alright Applejack, you dirty girl, ask away.”
Applejack blushed as the other girls broke into laughter, but then took a deep breath and asked, “Sooo…. ya ever get… lonely?”
“… Are you coming on to me?!” Sunset asked. “In like… a not-Adagio Dazzle-related context?!” she looked around. “She’s not here, is she? Or like…” Sunset glanced around the room. “Outside the window hitting us all with ‘sex’ rays, or something?”
“What?! No!” Applejack insisted. “I mean, probably not…” She also took a moment to look about. “Can she do that?”
Pinkie was on her phone in an instant. “Uhhh… Adagio says ‘Idm burst right now! Fuck schedule you avail later’!”
“I’d ask if someone speaks autocorrect,” Sunset said, “but honestly, that was pretty on point for Adagio.” She turned back to Applejack. “Why are you hitting on me again?”
“I’m not hitting on you!” Applejack insisted as her ears started going red.
“Okay, ‘cause I thought you and Rarity were kind of a thing,” Sunset said as she nodded to the evidence that the pair apparently couldn’t go one little song-break without holding each other’s hands.
“My hand gets cold…” Rarity said, her cheeks notably turning pink. “There was all this talk about hands, and I just… needed to warm mine up!”
“Dude, it’s fine,” Rainbow Dash insisted. “No one cares!”
Sunset shrugged. “I care in that you two can’t apparently go half a day of not being in each other’s presence. So much that you decide you both need to try and get a job at the same Caramel-apple booth despite both having jobs you’re perfectly suited for!”
Applejack drummed on her bass idly with her free hand. “Well, in my defense… apples.”
Rarity grinned nervously. “Also, It’s not a bad career move to broaden one’s horizons a bit… I’m sure ‘Apple food artist’ would at least help a resume stand out…”
“Yeeeeaaaahhh, sorry, no, not buying it,” Sunset stated, “You two might need therapy ‘cause anyone deciding they need to spend that much time together is not healthy.”
Pinkie narrowed her eyes. “Hey! Do I pick on you for any relationships alternative-reality versions of yourselves might have?! NoooooOOOOOooooo!”
Twilight turned towards Pinkie. “What, like alternative pony you in Equestria?”
“Pffft… more like alternative-alternative pony me in Van Nuys.”
“… You lost me,” Twilight admitted.
“Forget it, Twilight,” Sunset said. “It’s Pinkie Pie.”
Applejack spoke up. “Look, I meant lonely in a ‘homesick’ kinda way.”
Sunset’s forehead tightened. “…There’s a word for that, Applejack. It’s ‘homesick’.”
“Er… Well, I meant a specific type of homesick… You know, one you can only really know from being born a different critter in another dimension and all.”
The other girls all exchanged glances and shrugs as they attempted and failed to unpack Applejack’s sentence.
“Oh, just spit it out, Applejack dearest!” Rarity insisted. “The bloom is already off the rose, as it were.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “I was jus’ wondering if, even as a human, you were maybe inta’ horses. Or rather… wanted them inta you… or inside you… If you catch my meaning.”
There was a beat of silence as everyone attempted to digest what Applejack was asking before Sunset responded with a noise that was far more equine than human, yet still conveyed her anger.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Was that a ‘yes’?”
Giggling, Pinkie chimed in, “I’m pretty sure that was a ‘neigh’, AJ.”
Rarity covered her face with both hands, recovering one from Applejack. “I have so many regrets right now.”
Rainbow Dash looked at her friends in disbelief. “Did-Did Applejack just ask if Sunset Shimmer fucks horses?”
Pinkie grinned widely. “That does seem to be the long-and-longer of it right now!”
Her brain finally returning to a state where she could express herself with words, Sunset spoke up, “God, it’s hard figuring out which of you three I hate the most right now!”
“Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute!” Applejack said. “I didn’t ask if Sunset has ever laid down with a horse! What I asked is if she wants ‘ta lay down with a horse!”
“It’s Applejack,” Sunset stated, staring off into a void only she could see. “Definitely Applejack at this exact moment.”
“Okay, but why would you even ask that?!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash agreed. “Are you offering, or something?!”
“Well, Ah’m mostly just curious,” Applejack said, “but Ah mean, I know a few horses.”
“Applejack, by like a LOT,” Sunset added. “Like, so much more that she makes me like all of the rest of you out of some kind of cosmic balance.”
Applejack tossed a palm upwards. “Jus’ being neighborly.”
“What kind of fucked up neighbors do you have?!” Sunset exclaimed.
“Maybe ones that think animals are pretty?” Fluttershy posed in a perfectly innocent tone.
“I…” Sunset shook her head. “Fluttershy, you worry me sometimes…” She swept her gaze around the room, eventually asking: “Look, would any of you consider sleeping with a gorilla?”
“No,” Fluttershy replied quickly. “They only have penises that are about 5-centimeters in length.”
Sunset cringed. “Nevermind, let’s not have that discussion right now. Besides, horses here look way different and are substantially larger - in general, but also down there - than stallions are back home! Do you know how big those things even get?”
“50-centimeters,” Fluttershy answered without missing a beat, “with up to a 6-centimeter diameter.”
“NiiiiiiIIIIIiiiice!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
A series of weird looks began to be shot in the direction of Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
“Don’t kink-shame, bro!” Rainbow Dash cried.
Sunset sighed and rubbed at her forehead. “Fluttershy I kinda get because I know she’s familiar with animals” Her face twisted a little as an unfortunate thought came to her. “At least I really hope that’swhat’s going on here! But Rainbow Dash, do you have any clue how much a horse weighs?!”
“Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Whooooooa! … Whoooooa!” Rainbow Dash gave Sunset a look filled to near bursting with incredulity. “Nobody said there’d be a test when we started talking about being railed by a giant, meaty horse cock!”
Sunset let her guitar dangle as she brought both hands up to her face.
“Is- is there a point of no return in conversations?” Twilight asked. “Because I think we just crossed it.”
Rarity sighed heavily. “I suppose I should have known better than to let everyone go free rein in this situation.”
“HAAAAAH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Good one.”
“What?” Rarity thought for a moment. “Oh, for heaven’s sake…”
Sunset removed her hands. “Horses can get up to a tonne or more, Rainbow.” She stood straight, throwing her hands up in the air. “An entire tonne!”
Rainbow Dash pursed her lips and thought about this a moment. “Sooo… you’re saying it’d be like doing it with a really, really fat, hairy guy with a giant wang? Isn’t that like… that porn star ‘The Hedgehog’s entire deal?”
Sunset brought up every ounce of aggravation the conversation had given her and displayed it on her face. “Except horses are basically pure muscle.”
“Hot.”
Sunset narrowed her eyes and deadpanned. “Also, they’re horses.”
“Right, right… but if you say, minus the animal parts and put in dude parts instead, it’d be like being drilled by a guy who was like twice your size, all muscle, and had a massive dick, right?”
Sunset turned to glare at Applejack, motioning to Rainbow Dash. “Are you happy?! You did this! You did this!”
Applejack flung her hands up in the air. “How is it ma’ fault Rainbow Dash is stupid?”
“You know she’s stupid!” Sunset exclaimed. “And you know she can’t help it!”
“I mean… I probably could if I wanted,” Rainbow Dash replied. “But… eh,” she added with a shrug.
“Oh, erm… Are you concerned Mr. Horse might hurt you?” Fluttershy asked. “I could ask him nicely to be gentle!”
“Okay… now we’re past the point of no return,” Twilight mused, horrified.
Rarity sighed, “Fluttershy, dearest? I know you mean well, but I don’t think that’s the issue.”
Fluttershy pondered for a few seconds, before perking up and chirping, “Oh, Sunset likes it rough?”
Sunset hit a palm against her face so hard it made an audible ‘smack!’
“Answer the question, Sunset!” Rainbow Dash practically demanded.
Fluttershy continued, “Because, if it’s a matter of consent, well…uh… I can still help with that!” she added with a smile.
“Oh, my God, Fluttershy!” Sunset exclaimed. “I don’t need you to play ‘horse whisperer’, ‘horse chaperone’, or even ‘horse pimp’ for me!”
Fluttershy nodded with a smile. “Okay, so you’ve got your own pony skills to attract a mate here. Understood.”
“No! Damnit! I don’t know how to talk to horses here! I doubt anyone on this planet but you can really talk to a horse here!” Sunset yelled. “But that doesn't matter because I’m not going to fuck a horse or let a horse fuck me, alright?! End of conversation!”
Fluttershy clamped her mouth shut, her lower lip beginning to tremble as she let out a whimper.
Sunset sighed. “Sorry, Fluttershy. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that… I’m just… I’m just not attracted to horses over here, is all…”
Silence descended over the girls.
Applejack decided to break it. “Okay, but what ‘bout ponies here? With their smaller stature and penises, you’d wanna do it with one of them, ya reckon’?”
“It’s a good thing I’ve already resigned myself to my fate,” Twilight quipped. She opened her backpack, reached past a sleeping Spike to find her tablet, and began idly flipping through the pages of a fascinating article on theoretical astrophysics.
“At least you don’t go double-bareback riding with her!” Rarity cried. “I’m afraid that little activity is ruined forever!”
“You want to know what ‘homesick’ for me looks like, Applejack?!”
Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash all put on ‘Oh, not this again’ looks, meanwhile Pinkie and Fluttershy smiled with expectant glee. Sunset lowered her guitar to the ground and stripped to her underwear in an instant. “Neigh! Neigh! Whiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnniiiiieeeee! I’m going to go romp in a field and eat some hay!” she declared as she made a barefoot bee-line for the band room door and disappeared into the hall.
Everyone turned and silently glowered at Applejack.
“What?!” Applejack protested. “What!? Rainbow Dash started it!”
Silence and angry glares were her only answer.
“An’ then there was Fluttershy with tryin’ to be helpful and whatnot.”
The silence somehow grew louder.
Applejack frowned. “Pinkie and Rarity with their puns?”
In a voice that only Applejack could hear, the silence snarled at her.
Applejack sighed. “Alright, we all know the drill. Twilight, grab her clothes and keep the cops at bay, Pinkie can help me pick apples, Rarity, ya get us a big box, and Fluttershy can find a stick.”
“Wow! Outsource my job much?!” Came an indignant shout from the corner.
Applejack cringed and glanced over to where Spike the Dog was glaring at her with a hurt expression, punctuated by a loud yawn and more glaring. “Sorry Spike, forgot you were sleepin’ there…”
“I’ll forgive you… if you set up a date with Winona!” Spike said with a smirk as be began to pant excitedly. “And I don’t just mean for ‘walkies’ but you can leave the leashes, if ya know what I mean!”
“And yet everything keeps getting worse…” Twilight murmured as she stared at her tablet, hoping the silly pseudoscience described within would one day let her escape to a place far, far away from where these things happened.
Applejack cringed. “That’s disgustin’! What am I?! The animal hook-up for my friends?!”
A series of disbelieving cries rang out in the room.
Applejack looked back and forth the faces around her in confusion. “What?”
-ooo~Later that evening~ooo-
With a tired groan, Applejack walked into the rustic entryway of her family’s farmhouse. She barely had any time to tiredly place her hat on a hook on the wall before an elderly voice called out, “Is that you, Applejack?”
“Yeah, Granny!” Applejack shouted upwards.
“It’s yer turn to feed the horses!”
Applejack let out an elongated sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m not ready to face the horses, Granny! Can’t Big Mac or Applebloom trade with me?”
“Yer brother and sister are in town on a cider delivery! Now stop yer’ belly-achin’ and get!”
Applejack groaned, “Yes, ‘m.” Begrudgingly, Applejack reached for her hat and went outside in the crisp evening air. After retrieving two bales of hay, one for each shoulder, she made her way into the stables where she could immediately feel the eyes of every horse within upon her the second she was through the door. Sadly, she doubted it was ‘hay’ that was on the creature’s minds.
“Sorry gang,” Applejack said to the stabled herd. “She said ‘no’.”
Applejack was immediately met with a chorus of disappointed neighs and nickering.
“Now don’t get your bees in a bonnet!” Applejack snapped as she set down both bales. “Maybe the girl’s jus’ been over here a bit too long to appreciate the stallion physique and…” She trailed off and stroked her chin, putting put on a thoughtful look. “Huh… I wonder if Princess Twilight has a boyfriend in Equestria…”
The End.
Author's Note
Source: https://derpibooru.org/1729563?
