Raising Villains

by Uh-hmmm

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Nightmare Moon, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Slice of Life
Length: 3601

In another life, they may have threatened the world, but here they merely changed Anon's. It's an odd little family, but he wouldn't trade it for all the treasures in the world.

In another life, they may have threatened the world, but here they merely changed Anon's. It's an odd little family, but he wouldn't trade it for all the treasures in the world.

Published 2019-01-10 04:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-10 04:10:01 UTC

Chapter Only

You're beginning to get the hang of being a dad, after someone left three adorable foals in a basket on your doorstep.

Chrysalis regularly tries to change into Sombra to get him in trouble. Daily "who's the real Sombra?", but you just wave a ringpop in their direction, Sombra loves ringpops. Chrysalis can't get away with nothing.

Moony loves to turn off the lights. You've resorted to clap on lights, hooves can't get the right sound. When Moony gets sad, you toss a blanket over the both of you, and cuddle in the eternal night.

For Sombra's birthday, you get him a prism and a magnifying glass. He only sets fire to his sisters' hair the one time, he is much more responsible now.

Chrysalis watches TV and turns into her favorite character of each show. She spends hours in front of the mirror, looking at her lustrous mane, trying on different forms. While you are at work, she tries to boss her siblings around by turning into you. They catch on pretty quick, Chrysalis can't get your voice right.

Sombra has a huge stuffed animal collection, he arranges them in rows and pretends to be their king. Chrysalis starts collecting an army of dust bunnies to combat this threat. Moony makes arms deals, a squirt gun here, a grabby claw there, the war only escalates. Each night, they declare a truce and race to see who will get to you first to get their teeth brushed. Moony can do it herself, but she still likes it when she wins the race. After you change into your pajamas, you all pile into bed. It's a lumpy snuggle pile, but everyone gets comfortable and drifts off to sleep.

Moony says "Good Night, Father."

Chrysalis says "Don't worry, I told the bedbugs to stay away."

Sombra is already asleep, and mumbles "crystaaalllllls"

Breakfast: Pancakes.

Moony always cuts the pancakes into lunar crescents. Sombra tries to make little castles, but he only really suceeds when you serve waffles. Chrysalis rolls them up and stuffs them in her cheeselegs for later.

At the playground, the first thing they do is try to find the highest spot to perch. After squeaking about who is the ruler of the playground, they scatter. Chrysalis looks at her reflection in the metal slides. Moony usually goes to the swing set, going as high as she can before jumping off and gliding to the ground. She's very smug about being the only one who knows how to fly. Sombra annexes the sandbox, often ordering the other kids to help build the Sand Empire.

Moony always wins at hide and go seek. Chrysalis loves duck duck goose. She changes into a goose every time (it's a pretty big goose, so she does alright). Sombra loves to play with the weird things, bells, speaking tubes, and so on. Tic Tac Toe tournaments are fairly common, and highly competitive. Afterwards, if they were good, they get a treat. Moony gets cotton candy, Chrysalis gets sweethearts (it gets pretty stale, but she doesn't mind), and Sombra gets rock candy.

When you get home, you get out the sleeping mats. They each get bundled up in a blanket as you read them a story. While they nap, you clean up the dishes and counters, and handle all the other little chores that go into raising your little disaster zones.

When they wake up, they try to help you make dinner. Sombra has the coveted use of the knife. Moony is really good at mixing things. Chrysalis likes mashing fruit.

After dinner, you all pile on the couch to watch a movie. Chrysalis likes to act along with the movies she knows. Sombra insists on absolute silence. Moony claims the remote control as soon as possible. She is careful to pause the movie whenever you have to answer the phone. Even when the call goes on for a while, she stands her ground before her siblings' unrestfulness. After the movie, it's time to brush everyone's hair.

Sombra tries to get out of it, but between your size and his sisters, you catch him pretty easily. Chrysalis likes to lay her head on your lap as you brush her mane, making an odd purring sound. Moony insists on having her mane styled in a different way every night. You are now an adept bobby pin user. Some days, it feels like more than you can handle. But as you fall asleep with three little terrors nuzzled up against you, that makes it all worthwhile.

They get a little older.

Moony develops a huge crush on Batman.

"You do not understand, father. I am going to marry Batman."

Chrysalis digs a "bugs only" hive. If left unattended, Sombra can and will make couch forts in seconds. They each have their own room.

Moony spends all her money from yard work on an insane amount of glow in the dark plastic stars. She insists she is too old for bedtime stories, but when you read to Chrysalis, she listens from behind the door.

Chrysalis has replaced her dust bunny army with Barbie dolls. You end up installing some hooks in the ceiling, and tying a simple web of rope up there. When she's done playing with the Barbies, she puts them back in their boxes and hangs the boxes from the rope.

Sombra's room is a trap. Lego's everywhere. While the things he makes are pretty cool, he still leaves a heavy spread of Lego piece caltrops on the floor. The kids have learned that your feet are much more sensitive to that sort of thing than their hooves. Sombra's bed is always base when they play tag, the cheaters.

After much consideration, you get them a turtle. Chrysalis is in charge of finding slugs to feed A'Tuin. Once, when she came back from slug-gathering, she chased her siblings around the house with her muddy and slug filled hooves. After some serious scolding, careful removal, and the gentle attentions of the garden hose, she was allowed to come back inside. Sombra likes to make little Lego cities and put them on A'Tuin's shell. Moony takes the responsibility of turning the heat lamp on and off very seriously.

Every once in a while, each kid gets a day alone with you. Chrysalis goes to watch a romcom in the theater.

"Everybody tastes so good daddy!"

Moony goes to the observatory.

"Whoever is in charge of arranging the stars is terrible."

Sombra goes to the science center.

"Can we have a volcano in our backyard?"

Keep thinkin', kid. The trampoline is bad enough. Whoever gets on first starts a king of the hill type thing. Goodness knows how many scrapes you've bandaged, bumps you've kissed better. It's a pretty big trampoline too, it's not like they all wouldn't fit. You know this because sometimes, when they think you aren't there, they will all jump on it. Sometimes they drive you crazy like that.They have other ways too.

One day you get home, and there is a pool of red in the kitchen. One heart attack and Olympic sprint later you find Sombra squeezing ketchup around a barbie. He freezes, looking at you with a deer in the headlights expression. You break open your economy pack of aspirin and down two little helpers. Sombra casually puts the bottle on the floor. It takes him a while to clean up the mess, and you take the barbie and put it in the throne room of his favorite castle set. He is not happy to hear the king has been deposed, but he takes it like a man. Later he convinces Chrysalis to play, it gets pretty Game of Thrones. Doctor Sparkle Barbie retains the throne through cunning and intimidation.

They have their quirks too. Moony likes to perch on top of the fridge. As you go about your business, she commands you to do what you are about to do. She gets fussy when you do something else, but also very smug when you do what she says.

Chrysalis says she is going to marry you when she grows up. She names all her ken dolls "Anon Jr." She gets very territorial when women come around. Which isn't often, but still.

Sombra collects glass. You are very strict; he has to keep the collection in the garage, and clean up after himself. One day you find him making a stained glass portrait of your odd little family.

"This is how you are supposed to remember important things."

It takes a lot of work, but you install it in the place of the living room window. You're pretty proud of the little guy.

Chrysalis is getting better at voices. She practices with the radio. You play a game where you name a song and she sings at least the chorus. Bohemian rhapsody gives you chills, like you really are in the presence of Freddie Mercury.

Moony has taken to sitting on the roof at night. You talk with her as you two gaze up at the stars. When she falls asleep, you carefully carry her to bed and tuck her in.

You regret showing them the X-men. They whined, begged, threatened, commanded, and partially funded for you to get a wheel chair. You and your totally not-bald head.

Sombra is Magneto. He learns chess precisely for this purpose. He knows he's supposed to say something ominous and meaningful, but what comes out is,

"You are probably going to burn dinner"

Or,

"You should get us popsicles. For the good of mutantkind."

Chrysalis is Mystique. She doesn't quite get what the deal is. She just flops around on the couch and looks at you with half-lidded eyes.

Moony is Storm. "Magneto" and "Mystique" regularly plead for you to make her stop with the lightning already. You touch your temple and tell her to play nice. She rolls her eyes, and contents herself with floating around on her own little cloud.

They've started to collect "Daddy's bad words". It started at the county fair. They had fun, getting their faces painted, cheating at ring toss with levitation, but the carousel creeped them out. Then a clown came up out of nowhere.

"Fuck!"

Bless their little hearts, they came to your defense. Moony zapped the clown pretty good. Sombra chased him to the mirror maze. You aren't sure what Chrysalis did, but you could hear sobbing as you walked away. You gave them all a big hug, and told them how brave they were, working together to defeat the evil clown. Then Chrysalis looks up at you with her big green eyes and asks.

"What does fuck mean?"

"It's a secret word only adults get to use."

Sombra gives you a look.

"But Hissy just said it."

"She used it wrong."

Moony's eyes light up.

"Fuck! That's the right way to say it, right father?"

You do not need this right now.

"Guys, I need you to promise me to wait until you are an adult before you say that word."

Moony pouts.

"But I said it right and everything."

You give them all a serious look. Sombra nods in understanding.

"It is too powerful for us right now, we might lose control and hurt somebody. Very well, dad, I promise."

You hug your favorite son in the whole wide world.

"I'm proud of you, Sombrerbro."

The girls get jealous immediately.

"I promise too!"

"No, I promise more!"

You let go of Sombra and scoop up the fillies and sling them onto your shoulders.

"I'm proud of you girls too. Now who wants some ice cream?"

You thought that was that. But no.

You open your eyes.

It's 2:00 AM. You feel a presence hovering over you.

"Is that you, nom nom nom?"

She drops from her cloud onto your chest.

"Why weren't you scared?"

You hug her tight.

"I love you too much to be scared by you."

She nuzzles your chest, and quietly replies.

"I love you too, daddy."

Your heart melts. But your eyes ache.

"Awww, thanks. Now daddy needs to sleep, or he will be cranky tomorrow. Alright?"

She gets to her hooves and hesitates.

"Can I stay with you?"

You sigh, but not without fondness.

"Alright. Goodnight sweetie."

"Goodnight daddy."

Day Hearts and Hooves. You are trying hard not to be lonely. Kids get back from school. You manage a smile as you welcome them home. As you help them out of their backpacks, Chrysalis keeps glancing at you. Finally she says,

"Do you have a special someone, Daddy?"

Keep that smile up, Anon. For the kids.

"Not yet. You aren't thinking of setting me up with your teacher again, are you?"

She shakes her head, and removes an envelope from her backpack. It barely reaches your hands before she runs off to her hive in the backyard.

What.

Sombra and Moony exchange glances and head off to their rooms, bags of candy levitating from their backpacks. You sit down on the couch, and open up the letter. A ton of glitter pours out, getting all over the cushions an your pants. You swear, you would kill these kids if you didn't love them so much. The piece of paper has a rough drawing of you and Chrysalis in a big ol' red heart and the words,

"I want you to feel like those people in the movies - Your top secret admirer"

You sigh, and chuckle weakly.

Such secret.

You walk out to the hole in the backyard. Cheeselegs peeks out at you, and pouts. As you sit down nearby, she asks,

"Why didn't it work? You're supposed to stop being sad."

She sinks down a little.

"Am I not good enough?"

Oh, kid.

As you lift her out of the hole, she squeaks in surprise. You pull her into a hug.

"You are plenty good, it's just a gown-up thing, that's all."

"I can be a grown-up!"

And suddenly you are holding a woman. You put her at an arm's distance, and you recognize the form as the female lead from the last romcom you two saw. Not a bad choice. Wait, can't think that way.

"Honeybug, I need you to be you. I get lonely sometimes, and that's okay. But I would be much sadder if you tried to be something you are not."

She slowly shifts back to her real form.

"But being lonely hurts. I can feel it."

You pull her in for a tight hug, and sigh.

"Can you feel how having you as a daughter makes it hurt less?"

She rests her head on your shoulder.

"A little bit."

You pet her mane.

"That's enough for me."

Then there was the time you got sick.

For days.

Moony declared quarantine. If you got up to do something, she would dutifully proceed you, calling out, "Contagion!", levitating anything that had come into contact with you. Early on, you wisely designated Sombra as the official food preparer. Not that the other two don't try, but after a glass of very pulpy orange juice and thirty mangled oranges, you put your foot down.

Chrysalis has taken it upon herself to be your personal nurse. So you always have a thermometer in your mouth. She honestly thinks having a thermometer in your mouth will make you get better. Part of that is occasionally taking it out, looking at it, shaking her head, and then returning it. She also throws a tantrum if your meal isn't chicken noodle soup.

Sombra answers the door most times. It's usually one of the many mothers you've accidentally befriended at the park. Casseroles for days. The kids don't mind getting fussed over too much. God help any of those ara ara's if they try to dote on you, though. Chrysalis goes full jealous, insisting she does all the nursing around here, thank you very much.

Nice thing about being sick, you can play vidya without guilt. Mariocart tournaments gets pretty intense, finally you claim Peach to keep the girls from fighting over her. Zelda games are almost like storytime. The kids regularly take naps during the endless terrain crossings. Honestly, you aren't immune either.

When you finally do get well, it's with a heavy heart. You rather like spending more time goofing around with the kids. Oh, and you have to return all those casserole dishes.

Your ears ache for a "Are we there yet?" or, "I'm booored". But there is no way your kids would be so normal. Chrysalis is floating her sticky jelly beans mere inches away from Sombra's mane, jealous of his front seat. Meanwhile, he is playing a nonstandard game of chess with Moony. Some of the pieces are from that old HeroQuest game, others from monopoly. The thimble is over the head of the bishop, so Sombra now controls it.

You think.

The next rest stop, you are going to put your foot down, Sombra really doesn't need to be riding shotgun. It's just another one of their weird little dominance contests. Which is to say, Sombra won the barbie games. Ice skating was super effective against veterinarian, and black death Kelly just swept the rest.

Point is, the car is pretty quiet, except for Chrysalis's ominous giggling.

"Honeybug, if you put those in his hair, I will cut them out and you will have to eat them. Got it?"

She pouts, and pops a jelly bean into her mouth.

"Whatsh sho great about the ocean anyway?"

"It's just something you have to see at least once in your life."

Cheeselegs isn't convinced, but she amuses herself with making pictures on the windows out of the bugs that splatter on your windshield. Sometimes, you wish you had magic, but then again, that's what child labor is for.

You make it to the beach with minimal fuss, only a few toys thrown out the window and lost to the endless highways. You could only listen to Sombra's tickle-me-Elmo for so long. He mourns the loss of his interrogation specialist.

Once they're out of the car, the kids are pretty happy. Though they do squirm a bit when you put the sunscreen on them. Aaaaaand then they're off!

Sombra begins work immediately, conscripting from the other kids on the beach. Chrysalis pokes at the dead crabs in the sand. Moony gazes at the large waves coming in with trepidation. You walk to her.

"Want to swim?"

She glances at you, then tentatively steps into the shallow water. A wave almost immediately surges past, and she scrambles back with a surprised squeak. You laugh and back into the water, holding out your arms.

"C'mon, I'll keep you safe."

She hesitantly steps toward you, then dashes into your arms. You pick her up, and hold her tight as you go deeper into the salty water. Once she gets used to the bobbing surge of the waves, she relaxes her death grip on your torso. You pull her along by her hooves, and Moony grins as she cuts through the water. Before long, she's swimming on her own, and riding the waves to the beach.

You decide to check on Sombra, only to find him resting in imperial splendor on a throne of sand and buckets.

"Welcome, dad, to the kingdom of Silica. I have much to show you."

Everywhere a kid is piling sand up, or digging ditches, fortifying against the inevitable high tide. Behind heaped up walls, a more delicate work is continuing. Sombra walks among his architects and artisans, leaving a compliment here, a suggestion there, and nearly bursting with pride. You have to admit, it is an impressive city, but you've left Chrysalis alone long enough.

You find her in the middle of a bunch of divots in the sand, carefully drawing on a smoothed out spot. She sees you and beams.

"Daddy, come look at what I've found!"

You get to about the middle of her odd little field, and then her horn glows green. The putrid remains of too many crabs rise up out of the sand and start massing around your legs, struggling to climb.

"Son of a Bitch!"

The zombie crabs fall away, and your daughter claps her bughooves.

"I got another one! Dumbra is going to be so jealous!"

"Just, just clean up the crabs alright?"

You scrub your legs in the ocean, then head for your towel. Chrysalis follows you, the crabs shuffling off into their holes. You pause to gaze out over the water, waves dazzling in the afternoon sun. She settles down by you.

"What do you think so far?"

She looks down at her hooves.

"It's not so bad."

You smile, absentmindedly keeping an eye on your other kids.

"How about you go get Nighty and Somby and we'll have a nice treat?"

" 'Kay!"

And off she goes.

Several popsicles apiece and a couple hours later, it's time to go. Sombra had his dramatic moment, grimly witnessing the collapse of his kingdom under the relentless waves, and crying out to the uncaring sky. Moony rode the cresting wave herself, tackling him off of his throne.

And then there's the nearly endless hours of rinsing to get the sand off and the salt out. Chrysalis giggling the entire time, as you poked the sand out of her ticklish cheeselegs. As you drive away, the setting sun illuminates the tuckered out forms of your kids, napping on top of each other in the backseats. Definitely something you have to see at least once in your life.