Death has a Cutie Mark Problem

by The Mountaineer Brony

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Violence, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death
Length: 12426

Death Himself seeks out the Cutie Mark Crusaders for help getting back in touch with his special talent.

Death. For some, it is a blessing after ravaging disease or a life well lived. For others, it is an inevitability to be feared above anything else. Everyone wonders what happens after you meet the Reaper, but no one knows for sure.

Death. It comes just as surely to ponies as it does to any other creature. A part of life as natural as birth.

However, the Death that comes to ponies is more like a pony than you would expect.

In Equestria, Death has a Cutie Mark.

And with Cutie Marks come Cutie Mark Problems.

So what happens when the Reaper of Souls, the Pale Horse himself, loses touch with his purpose in life---er, death?

He seeks out the three fillies most suited for the job in all of Equestria.

Surely, if the Cutie Mark Crusaders can help so many other ponies with their problems, then they can help Death in Pony Form?

Alternatively titled The Grim Adventures of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Cover art furnished by myself. I used a template for the general body plan, but I couldn't make out the signature to tell who created it. If you recognize it as yours, though, I'll credit you.

Published 2019-02-19 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-08-21 04:21:54 UTC

Sors Immanis et Inanis

It was never supposed to go this way, he thought.

It was just supposed to be a simple trip up to Vanhoover. He and the boys were delivering supplies that they'd need come winter, just like they had for so many years before.

He hadn't expected anything like this to happen.

It was dark that night, very dark, and stormy. The thunder roared overhead, lightning fractured the sky like glass, and the rain drove down with great force. In the middle of his caravan, Hearty Hooves trudged through the mud and grit, burdened by the great packs atop him, as the team of stout ponies and mules traversed the narrow path along a sheer cliff. It wasn't a path they took often, but downed trees had closed off the main road and railways to Vanhoover, and it would have taken a hundred Pegasi to transport so much cargo, so they didn't have much choice.

"Stay close to the wall of the cliff! It shouldn't be long before we find the pass headed back down the mountain!"

Hearty could barely hear the short, bearded pony ahead of him over the night's tempest. He tried to call ahead to grab his attention, but his cry went unheard. The caravan ponies were too far spaced to make physical contact.

He stopped briefly as he felt one of his forehooves sink into the earth. Something told him that this part of the trail wasn't exactly stable. He yelled back over his shoulder to warn the mule behind him, but almost as soon as he could get his word out, a massive snag of lightning descended from the heavens to strike lower down on the mountainside.

The flash was blinding, and the sound was louder than any he'd heard before. The impact of the bolt shook the earth like a tremor.

Then, amidst the water and grime collecting around his hooves, Hearty noticed the ground give way.

The muscular chestnut colt was at the mercy of nature and physics as the portion of trail beneath his hooves crumbled away like a sand castle. His efforts to scrabble back up were to no avail; soon, the target of his team's horrified stares, he was falling through open space, 3,000 feet to the forest below.

They say it's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Had Hearty Hooves been able to say so after his fall, he could've verified that claim.

It was an immense, crushing pain that subsided very quickly once his skull had split.

Now an ethereal, bluish specter, Hearty looked down on his broken mortal form, eyes half-lidded and glazed over, soaking in a pool of blood that had been impacted out of his body, no doubt massively bruised and hemorrhaged on the side on which it had landed. A clean crack in the rear half of his skull leaked blood and gray matter onto the hard, grassy earth, littered with pine needles. The rain would no doubt wash it all away, but he doubted that the stains would leave his mane so easily.

"Th-this... this is... it? I'm... dead?" He said to himself, looking at his translucent hooves.

"But I... I'm... I'm too young to..." He tried to touch his own corpse, but his hoof passed through it, a disgusting warm feeling sliding up his foreleg. "How could I be... dead?! It can't possibly end like this! I-I-I shouldn't be dead!"

"Everypony feels that way when their time comes." A deep, gravelly voice emanated mysteriously from the mists.

Hearty Hooves turned to face the source of the voice, a dark silhouette slowly walking forth from the parting fog. It looked like a tall, graceful pony, but from this distance, he couldn't be sure.

"Who are you?"

As the pony stepped into the light Hearty's spirit now cast, he could make out a skeletal unicorn's head emerging from beneath a grayish hood, fringed with purple flame embroidering. Two blood-red eyes gazed out from hollow sockets.

"Take a guess." It spoke.

The voice almost seemed to come from all around them, as the unicorn's jaw did not move. If Hearty still had a physical head, it might've sounded like it was coming from within it.

"Oh..." he said, sounding almost defeated. "I... guess this is the end, isn't it?"

"No... you think?" said Death, whose eyes almost seemed to glow with biting sarcasm. "I doubt even a dragon could survive a fall like that, and they're extremely hard to crack."

"But I can't afford to die now!" Hearty protested, stomping a cloudy hoof in vain on the earth. "I've got a family to support! I have a foal! She's only seven years old!"

"Then she will have to live without you!" Death raised his voice angrily, though Hearty backed down only slightly. "Honestly, some of you mortals are so selfish! If your filly's life had been in danger, you would not have hesitated to die for her, would you? Or for your mate?"

Hearty opened his mouth, but was unable to speak. He shook his head.

"Then be happy that you spent the life you had on earth so well, and that you knew the ponies you did." Death lowered the great scythe that was slung over his shoulder, looking into the great crystal orb to which the blade was attached. Within it, Hearty saw a reflection of his life's major events.

"You had a happy childhood, found a job you enjoyed, met a mare you'd have given anything for, and started a family with her, producing a beautiful child who knew her father loved her, and will grow up with the hopes of making you proud. I cannot think of a happier life one could have had." Death glanced away from the images in his scrying stone to look at Hearty. The ethereal stallion wiped tears of vapor away from his eyes as he looked upon the sea-blue mare he was wed to and the beautiful little filly they'd created. Death raised the scythe back to his shoulder.

"They will join you someday, and while your mortal descendants may mourn, your spiritual ancestors shall rejoice."

Hearty looked up at the long, pallor face of Death before him, his eyes still moist from the tears.

"They are waiting for you now." He said, in a much gentler voice.

Death extended a gaunt, bony hoof towards Hearty's immortal soul.

"Touch my robe."

Slowly, but unafraid, the colt reached out to brush Death's sleeve with his own hoof, and in a gradual upwards shimmer of light, the specter faded away, and the spirit of Hearty Hooves was at peace.

After the miraculous spectacle before him had subsided, Death let forth a great sigh.

"UUUUGH." He turned it into a groan. "By the Sun and Moon, this job is unbearable!"

He trotted annoyedly around the corpse laying on the forest floor, talking to himself.

"I try to be 'comforting' like ponies expect, tell them that this is just the way things are, that pleasant things await them, but the way some of them act just drives me up the wall! 'Ooh, but I've got a family!'" he took on a mocking, high-pitched tone "'I've got friends and ponies who love me!' Well it must be damned nice, eh? I thought you knew that death is indiscriminate." He thought back to the time that a rather annoying mare tried to convince him that a housefire wasn't possibly a good enough way for her to die, that she deserved something fitting of the silver screen. Even worse were the ancient Coltic warriors-- some of those would actually try to fight him, convinced that it was some rite of the gods. That's why Death started carrying a scythe.

"Maybe I'm just not cut out for reaping souls... or at least, not anymore." He murmured to himself. "But what else am I supposed to do? If I don't do my job, then the circle of life turns into a straight line, and that's not good for anything. Plus, we'd have a bunch of ghosts running around Equestria-- or zombies, or some worse thing I haven't fathomed."

Death leaned his head against his scythe in thought. "Maybe there's somepony somewhere in the world that can help me get back on track." he said as he flew high in the sky as a black cloud of smoke. He left the body where it fell; after all, it wasn't his concern what happened to the mortal form. Gazing out over the moonlit world, which is when he thought the world looked best, his red eyes scanned every hamlet, town, and city in Equestria, looking for some way in which he might find his purpose again. He kept looking until the sun peeked over the horizon once more, when, sometime that morning, something caught his gaze.

Zoning in to a small town in the shadow of Canterlot, he could see four young fillies gathered round a little treehouse. He couldn't quite tell what they were doing, save for it being some playful activity, and all at once the fourth pony's flank blazed with light as her Cutie Mark appeared. The others leapt and shouted with joy as the gears turned in Death's skull.

"Hmm... they may only be fillies, but they do seem capable of bringing one's special talent to light. Besides, perhaps a younger pony's perspective is just what I need: a different, more optimistic outlook on the world and on life." Determined to at least try them, Death's shadow shot across the sky, bound for Ponyville.

Death and Taxes

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo all waved happily as their classmate galloped gleefully away, eager to inform her parents of her recently acquired Cutie Mark. The Crusaders then turned to begin cleaning up the assorted pieces of various board games they had sprawled upon the grass.

"What a changing world!" Sweetie Belle remarked. "I think that's the first pony we've ever seen get her Cutie Mark in game development."

"Yeah!" added Scootaloo "And who would've thought you could make a super-fun board game based on tax evasion?"

Admittedly, the fillies didn't have much clue as to how taxes worked, but their version of it was certainly more exciting.

"We'll definitely have to play that one again!" Apple Bloom said, picking up a large spinner and putting it in a box.

"Hey, we're missing our dice." Scootaloo said, lifting the box and looking around. "Did one of you have them?"

"Oh, no, they got thrown over by the treehouse when Apple Bloom kept rolling threes and landing on the 'go to jail' space, remember?" Sweetie Belle smiled broadly as Apple Bloom curled up within herself.

"I think y'alls gave me loaded dice."

"I'll go get them." As Sweetie Belle cheerfully trotted over in the direction of the dice, she reached out with her magic, the horn atop her head blazing brightly, to try and see if she could roll anything other than three. Upon reaching the plastic cubes, she saw that both of them had come up one.

"Ooh, snake eyes!" As she lowered her head to pick them up, she heard an odd noise, like wind rushing, coming from ahead of her. From the corner of her eye, she saw what looked like smoke. The air around her suddenly felt cold. The young unicorn looked up, her eyes meeting those of one older than she could possibly imagine. The sun-bleached skeletal head looked down with its red, unfeeling eyes, regarding the small, marshmallow-like creature which stood no taller than its knees.

He was as the fall of a thunderbolt to the lordly mountains, the roc to all the birds, the dragon to the assemblies of wild beasts...

Death, in pony form.

Sweetie Belle tried to scream, but it became trapped in her throat. All she could manage was a shudder, and several slow steps back towards her friends.

"Sweetie Belle?" Apple Bloom called. "You find those dice ye--- WHAT THE HAY?!"

Sweetie Belle tried to turn and run but quickly stumbled over her own hooves. She hit the grass, then rolled to look fearfully up at Death, a whimper barely escaping her throat. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo slowly, cautiously forced themselves forward.

Much to their surprise, however, the skeletal being before them did not act harshly. His horn began to glow with a reddish aura, the same color as his eyes, and he lifted the dice to present them to Sweetie Belle. Curious, if still cautious she took them in her hoof and scooched back towards her friends.

"A-are you... here for me?"

"I would have been, had you tried to pick them up with your mouth."

Apple Bloom helped Sweetie Belle up off the ground as Scootaloo took a tentative step forward.

"Are you really... well... Death? The Grim Reaper?"

"Indeed." The frail-looking skeleton replied. "The end of life personified."

"Are you here for Granny Smith?" Apple Bloom asked with a mixture of curiosity, indignancy, and fear.

"Oh Celestia no!" he said, almost recoiling "That mare scares me. I tried to come for her during a bout of illness when you were just a newborn, and she ran me off with her walker and a pitchfork. Kept going on about 'You jist git on outta here, Bonesy! I ain't used it all up yet!' You know she's well over 100 years old? And she still keeps me at bay!"

"How do you know us?" asked Sweetie Belle, head cocked to one side.

"I have a passing familiarity with every living creature in Equestria, because, with very few exceptions, they will all die someday, and will have to keep me company. Also, I can learn about you from your ancestors. They like to keep tabs on you mortals for some reason."

"So..." Apple Bloom began, looking uncomfortable and unsure whether or not to speak. "Why did you... um... take mah… parents?"

Death rolled his head and eyes, the vertebrae of his neck producing a loud sound between a clatter and a crackle.

"Look, child, I cannot explain every death I've come across. And besides, some things are better off unknown, especially to children. Keep your minds innocent while you can."

"You know I'm an orphan, right? I'm not exactly a prissy little pony." Apple Bloom's glare could've cut glass. Sweetie Belle brought a hoof to her friend's chest, pushing her back as she continued to stare daggers at Death.

"Look everypony, arguing isn't going to get us anywhere. Let's just figure out why Mr. Grim is here so he can be on his way... why are you here, actually?"

"Truth be told, I am actually here to see the three of you..."

Scootaloo threw her hooves up in the air in defeat.

"WELP! That's it! We're done! I always knew I was gonna die young. Hey, Mister, if you don't mind, could you at least, like, huck me off a cliff or something so I can say I died while flying?"

Death had a brief flashback to Hearty Hooves, and how it wasn't the fall, but the abrupt stop that killed you.

"I'm not here to take you! I'm here for your expertise."

"Our what now?" said Scootaloo.

"Idn't that one o' them words what Rarity uses?" Apple Bloom spoke in Sweetie's direction.

"I need your help." Death simplified. "I saw how you helped that filly recognize her special talent and earn her Cutie Mark."

"Well... yeah." Apple Bloom said. "Helping ponies with their Cutie Marks is what we got our Cutie Marks in!"

"Excellent." said Death "I believe that I have lost touch with my special talent, and I would appreciate anything you can do to help me find my purpose again."

The Crusaders, needless to say, were all taken aback by this. They shared several confused glances.

"You... you have a Cutie Mark?" Sweetie Belle asked, her squeaky little voice cracking with curiosity.

"...Yeeeeees…?" Death seemed equally confused at her confusion.

"But, like... how?" asked Scootaloo. "You're a skeleton."

"Yet I am also a pony." Death retorted. "A pony who would appreciate any help you can provide."

Sweetie looked to her left and right at the two other girls. Scootaloo seemed enthusiastic to help, while Apple Bloom was still a bit unsure.

"Well..." the unicorn continued after giving it some thought herself. "I suppose the Cutie Mark Crusaders are always up for a challenge... and this may be just the one that puts us on the map!"

"Mister Death, you've just enlisted the help of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Equestria's premier problem-solvers!" said Scootaloo in her best formal voice. "We thank you for visiting us at our Ponyville offices! I'm Scootaloo, and this is Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, though you probably already knew that. If you'll allow me, we'd be happy to show you around our clubhou----headquarters!"

Scootaloo reached for Death's forehoof, but was stopped by Sweetie Belle's cry.

"Wait!" The unicorn called aloud. "If she touches you, will she... you know... die?"

"Not unless I want her to." He responded.

"Good!" said Scootaloo, grabbing his sleeve with her hoof and guiding him towards the treehouse. "Let's go!"

The CMCs only had a mildly difficult time getting the Reaper of Souls through their doorway. After all, a pony as tall as one of the princesses carrying a scythe as long as he was tall is only likely to hit his head on the ceiling multiple times. Death seated himself awkwardly on a chair far too small for him while the CMCs stood at the front of the room, Sweetie Belle holding a clipboard as she arguably had the most legible penmareship.

"So, Death, is it?" Sweetie asked, holding back a giggle as she pretended to fill out an important form. "What seems to be the trouble with your Cutie Mark?"

"I don't enjoy my work anymore." Death spoke. "I used to take pride in easing ponies into the hereafter, in keeping the circle of life flowing smoothly, but now it's just monotonous and feels like more trouble than it's worth. Nopony seems to appreciate the importance that death plays in our world."

Apple Bloom put her hooves to her chin, analyzing what had been said. She turned to murmur to Sweetie Belle.

"Okay, I heard something about a hay-rafter and a Monoceros."

"Like from Cheerliee's biology lecture? Equus sapiens monoceros?"

"A what?" Scootaloo inquired.

"A fancy way to say unicorn." Sweetie Belle explained.

"Oh." Scoots scratched her head. "I think I fell asleep during that class."

Death waved a bleached bone forehoof to grab their attention. "I don't quite think you understand what I'm saying. My work has become, well.. boring, I guess you'd say. Tedious. It feels like a slog to get through and I don't enjoy it, even though it's something that has to happen."

"Well maybe there's another facet to your... uh... life... we can help uncover!" Sweetie Belle perked up. "Cutie Marks often have multiple different meanings or interpretations. Maybe yours is hiding something from you?"

Death turned his head rearward, his horn glowing softly with light. He drew the train of his cloak up his skeletal leg, before finally revealing a frail-looking equine pelvis. Though he bore not an inch of flesh across his entire body, the light cast upon Death's flank almost seemed to form an ethereal thigh, the ghostly curve of which could be seen sloping around the joint where the leg attached. Upon Death's "flank" stood out a Cutie Mark, almost appearing to float in thin air above the bones: it was a pony's skull resting beside an hourglass, in front of which was a large scythe slashing downwards.

"Oh... yeah, that's... pretty straightforward." Sweetie Belle said, deflated.

"But that doesn't mean there's no hope at all!" said Scootaloo. "You've just gotta do what we did to get our Cutie Marks: try a whole bunch of new stuff every day until you find something that works!"

From outside the treehouse, hoofsteps could be heard coming up the wooden walkway.

"Apple Bloom!" a drawled voice called out. "I brought y'all some o' Granny's cookies and some apple juice!"

"Oh no." said Apple Bloom, realizing how bad things were about to become.

Her older sister's head rounded the corner, topped with her characteristic brown hat.

"Everything's pretty fresh, so it should be---"

Applejack's eyes and mouth fell open and a plate full of food clattered to the floor. The Crusaders and Death stared uncomfortably back at her, silent.

"Wh-wh-wh-what in tarnation?!"

Author's Note

Title mostly because I couldn't resist.

Shivers Down Your Spine

The muscular mare took tentative steps backward, muttering nervously.

"Ah knew Ah shouldn't-a left y'all unattended... I've seen y'all do some off-the-wall stuff, but little fillies summonin' demons in their treehouse is some absolute road apples! GRANNY!!!"

"AJ, relax. That was just Ogres and Oubliettes. It's just a game! See, we were helping this filly--" Scootaloo began.

"AH DON'T MEAN THAT!" Applejack said, raising an accusatory hoof. "AH'M TALKIN' ABOUT THAT!!"

"But Applejack, that's just Mister Death. He's the newest client of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" Sweetie Belle stepped forward with a smile, putting her forehoof gently on Death's.

"What kinda crazy are you talkin' 'bout, Sweetie Belle?!"

"I had the same reaction, Sis." Apple Bloom said, stepping forward with her head lowered slightly. "But it's jest that simple. Death came here with a Cutie Mark problem, and we need to help him."

Applejack, though still greatly confused, could sense the honesty in her sister's voice, and so allowed her to briefly explain the situation thus far. Death, wisely, said nothing, but did occasionally nod along to add veracity to Apple Bloom's claims. The orange farmpony rubbed her temple and sighed.

"Ram me in the barn..." She scolded under her breath quietly enough to evade the fillies' sensitive ears. "Alright, Crusaders, Ah s'pose that Ah can let'cha go on with this, but Ah still gotta let'cher sisters know---and probably Twilight too. She's the one what knows about..." she vaguely gestured a circle at Death with her forehoof "... woo-woo magic stuff."

"I don't suppose there's any way we could... charm our way out of that?" Sweetie Belle gave her best little filly eyes and a winning smile.

Applejack was not amused. "NO." She closed the door behind her.

The Crusaders sighed. "Well," continued Scootaloo "I suppose we'll just see what we can get done before she gets back."

"Are you three sure I'm not being an inconvenience?" The tall skeleton asked from his uncomfortably small chair.

"Nah, it'll be fine." Sweetie said, scratching her neck. "We get in trouble more often than you think."

"Though it ain't nothin' near like it was back before we got our Cutie Marks!" Apple Bloom said with a chuckle.

"Yeah!" said Scootaloo enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe how many times we ended up covered in tree sap!"

The three fillies weren't able to experiment with different talents but for a few minutes before the frantic beating of hooves and flapping of wings approached their humble treehouse. Applejack rushed forward and opened the door first, stepping inside before allowing her friends to do the same.

"They're in here!"

"Applejack," Twilight's calm, studious voice drifted from outside "I think you might be overreacting to--HOLY MOTHER OF THE PRINCESSES!"

Of all the things Twilight was expecting to see inside that treehouse, she hadn't even fathomed the gaunt, undead creature reclining in the floor as the Cutie Mark Crusaders played charades around him, struggling to guess Sweetie Belle's mimicry, which, to Twilight's eyes, was clearly a penguin caught in quicksand.

Rainbow Dash and Rarity entered the room at about the same time. The young Wonderbolt stuck her head in from the top of the doorframe.

"What's going on in--HOLY SH-" The alicorn in the room quickly cast a silencing spell over her friend's muzzle to protect the children's ears. Rarity's response, meanwhile, was much more befitting a lady: she swooned, then fainted. Applejack rushed to catch her, fanning her with her hat to try and revive the fair unicorn. From across the room, the Crusaders ceased their shenanigans, and Death turned to face the gathered mares.

"I am sorry to have caused you such fright." His deep gravelly voice echoed from within the heads of all present. "As Applejack has likely explained to you, I am Death Incarnate, and I seek the help of these three fillies with an issue pertaining to my Cutie Mark."

"It's... an honor?" Twilight turned her attention from Rarity and asked unsurely. Death shifted his gaze to portray a change in countenance; if he possessed eyebrows, he would've cocked one.

"It is an honor" Twilight said, this time more gracefully "to meet an ancient being of such great power. I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Leader of the Elements of Harmony, and personal protégé of Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria."

Death lifted his chin, regarding Twilight from a loftier position. "...You know the princess?"

"Both princesses, yes. I've known Celestia on a personal level since I was a filly. She is both my teacher and dear friend."

"A great privilege, I'm sure." The old one replied. "And what of Luna?"

"Well, my friends and I used the Elements of Harmony to purify Luna when she returned from her banishment as Nightmare Moon, nearly a decade ago now." Twilight said, gesturing towards Rainbow, Applejack, and a slowly-awakening Rarity with her horn. "All but two of us stand before you now. Meet Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack."

"I have heard of you from the other world, but have neglected to keep up on your exploits; for that, I apologize. Clearly you all have had quite an impact on the history of Equestria… if my meeting with the Storm King last year says anything."

Twilight jumped momentarily at the mention of the Storm King, and the memory of the tense battle where Tempest Shadow struck him down. Twilight had gotten used to her enemies either running off or being reformed over the years; she wasn't accustomed to thinking of one being dead.

"Please don't take him away, Twilight!" Sweetie Belle said suddenly, trotting forward and throwing a foreleg around Death's. "We still need to help him with his Cutie Mark problem!"

"Yeah!" Scootaloo added, buzzing her wings long enough to lift herself to Death's back. "We wouldn't be doing the CMC name justice if we didn't pull this one off!" Death uneasily shifted his scythe away from the orange filly, not wishing her to touch it, and while he didn't like the close proximity of the two fillies, he chose not to move them and potentially offend them or their sisters.

"Princess Twilight?" Death asked politely. "Would it be too much trouble to perhaps visit Canterlot? I feel as though the princess might wish to know of my presence here before rumors start flying... you know, one cosmic being to another?"

"I've already sent word to Princess Celestia that I might be visiting her, though admittedly, I didn't know what exactly was going on here at the time. If you'd like, we can try and sneak you to the train station, then have the Royal Guard meet us in the city."

"This is wise." Death remarked, his bones rattling slightly under the weight of a Pegasus filly. "I might be a little difficult to disguise, but if--"

"Hey!" Sweetie Belle once more piped up and stepped forward. "If Death is going to Canterlot, we're coming with him!"

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders have a duty to uphold!" Apple Bloom added.

"We won't leave his side until his Cutie Mark problem is solved!" Scootaloo said, hopping down from Death's rickety old spine.

Twilight cast her gaze towards the fillies' three guardians for approval. Applejack sighed. "Well... Ah guess Ah can't argue with that kinda conviction. Ah'll letcha come along, but don't do nothin' out-o-bounds while we're seein' th' Princesses."

"And stay within our sight at all times, dear." Rarity addressed her younger sibling.

"You got that, Scoots?" added Rainbow Dash.

The Crusaders quietly cheered among themselves, frolicking in a little circle on the wooden floor. Meanwhile, the four mares and one skeleton in the room huddled to plan out how to stealthily get to Canterlot. Twilight's managerial side quickly manifested itself.

"I'll have Spike write ahead to the Princess to arrange an escort by the guard. Rainbow, go get Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy as fast as you can; let them know what's going on and bring them to the train station. Applejack, I want you to scout out a path through or around Ponyville that will have us seen by as few ponies as possible. I would just teleport us to the station, but I don't know what kind of effect, if any, my magic might have on a being like Death."

"And I don't use such magic myself." The profound voice of Death sounded through the ponies' skulls. "I have my own mode of rapid transit that really only works if you're dead or me."

"Rarity," Twilight glanced back at the snow-white mare. "think you can fashion some sort of temporary disguise for our old friend here?"

"I'll get right on it, Twilight. Sweetie BELLE can help me, can't you dear?" Rarity spat a little frustration out of her system. Sweetie sighed, but resigned herself to the task if it meant helping Death.

The group of mares broke up, and it didn't take long to put their plans into action. Rainbow waited with Pinkie and Fluttershy at the train station, Twilight quickly gathered some things from the castle that might be necessary, and Applejack navigated a route through town that wouldn't take them past too many townsfolk. Meanwhile, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and the other Crusaders had encountered some difficulty in crafting a suitable ensemble for the Reaper of Souls.

Given the frail, skeletal proportions of their model, baggy clothing was going to be the best bet at a disguise, something that went with boots as well, to hide his bony hooves. In the end, a frumpy dress with a large skirt seemed like the best option, and Death deigned to agree, saying that he'd worn worse. Rarity had initially wanted to do something in a bright pink, but Death refused, both for the attention a bright color might draw, and also, in his own words, "I wouldn't be caught alive in pink." So, Rarity had to go for a more subdued color, a dark violet; this, along with a wide-brimmed sun hat and having his scythe disguised as a parasol ironically made Death look like a funeral attendant. Unfortunately, they couldn't do much to hide his skeletal head and neck, apart from tying a dark silky scarf around it and hoping nopony looked.

"How do I look?" The Grim Reaper asked, clearly unamused.

Sweetie Belle restrained herself from saying "like my grandma," instead replying "Fine."

Applejack's pathfinding skills had actually proven far more apt than she herself expected: Death's escort encountered next to none of Ponyville's residents along the backroads, at least none that the disguise didn't convince from a suitable angle, and for those with keener perception, there was usually something of fitting size to shove the skeletal being behind.

In fact, the only close call they had they didn't even notice, and the witness wisely decided to keep what she'd seen to herself. At the train station, the blue-maned unicorn known as Vinyl Scratch stood waiting on the two o'clock to pull in, completely absorbed in the world between her headphones. She was nodding her head along to the music, quietly singing to herself, as the grave entourage passed.

"Seasons don't fear the reapeaaAAAAAAAAH!" Vinyl's jaw dropped as she shared an awkward glance with a skeleton in a sun hat waiting to board the train. As the music blared on through her headset, the unicorn slowly stepped backwards away from the platform as the old steamer came to rest on the tracks before it, ready to ferry the ferryman to Canterlot.

Author's Note

I had to massively resist the urge to spell Applejack's "Twilight" as "Twailaight". I think it's cute, but I know from growing up in Appalachia that writing out a country dialect as it's heard can make your English nigh unreadable. :ajsmug:

Also, the band is Blue Öyster Colt. Great group. Vinyl has good taste.

Romance Macabre

Twilight watched nervously out the window as the train rattled up the tracks, ascending the mountain towards Canterlot.

"I probably should've informed Princess Celestia a bit more about who we're bringing into her house." The young mare bit a hoof and fidgeted. "How do you think the princesses will react to coming face to face with Death?" she asked, turning in her seat to face the nearest friend. Pinkie Pie sat across a low table from the disguised specter, who seemed surprised to be several moves into a game of chess he didn't remember starting.

"Ah, it'll be fine, Twilight!" the pink mare waved a hoof in dismissal. "With the kind of lives the princesses have lived, I'm sure they've faced death plenty already!" Glancing back at the board, Pinkie leaned in, scooting a pawn forward and smirking at the reaper. He hadn't expected her to move that piece. Furrowing a confused yet nonexistent brow, Death began pondering his next move.

At last, the Friendship Express pulled into the station at Canterlot, the shining capital city of Equestria. The Elements, the Crusaders, and their tall, dark, and lifeless guest stepped out onto the platform and were quickly met by a squad of Royal Guards. Flash Magnus was at their head.

"Princess Twilight," he said with a quick salute. "Celestia and Luna are waiting to receive your retinue in the throne room. We'll make sure you get there quickly." Flash was somehow completely ignoring the death stare the tall "lady" in the back was giving him, almost as if to ask "How in Equestria are you still alive?!" With this, the party left the station, headed for the castle grounds.

The grand doors opened in front of the young alicorn as she and her friends entered the celestial throne room. Likewise did they creak shut behind them as Celestia requested privacy from her guards, who ducked away into side rooms should they be needed. The Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted ahead of Twilight and gave playful bows towards the Royal Sisters, who smiled.

"Welcome, Twilight; it's good to see you and your friends here in Canterlot." Celestia greeted warmly. "Though it seems as though something rather urgent has brought you here, judging by your letters... I hate to say this, Twilight, but as your teacher, I know your hornwriting is better than this."

Twilight chuckled sheepishly. "I was... in a hurry."

"Well, what is it exactly that brings you all before us so hurriedly?" asked Luna.

"If Ah may, Your Majesties," Applejack spoke up and stepped forward. "we're here because of a rather... interestin' client the Cutie Mark Crusaders decided to take on..." The tall pony in a dress carrying a parasol stepped forward.

"Oh? And who might that be?" Celestia asked.

Just a moment after, the dress, the parasol, and all the accompanying frills were blazed away in violet flame, revealing the skeletal pony beneath in a dark robe, carrying a long scythe. Rarity's mouth fell agape and she hit her knees, sobbing to herself about how much hard work had just been incinerated. The princesses gasped, nearly jumping in their seats. The pale horse stepped towards them and bowed.

"Your Majesties," Death's booming voice came from everywhere and nowhere. "A pleasure to meet you once more after such long millennia."

"Indeed, it has been millennia since we encountered each other, Death." Celestia replied, sounding very distant and untrustworthy. "What exactly has brought you to Ponyville to seek council with the Cutie Mark Crusaders? And, likewise, has brought my faithful student to seek council with me?"

"A problem regarding a Cutie Mark, of course." The wraith replied. "The endless march of time and the countless souls I've shepherded on to greener pastures has worn on these old bones. I simply wonder if there is something more for me to do; a change of pace, if you will. And, judging by the flanks of these fillies, destiny has chosen them to solve problems such as mine."

Celestia eyed him apprehensively; Luna was sitting bolt upright and silent on her throne, a look of discomfort dominating her face.

"Then why is it you were so willing to come to Canterlot with my student, instead of staying in Ponyville? I'm sure Twilight could've convinced me of her claims without physical proof." The radiant alicorn cast a gaze like sunlight upon him.

"You do remember we are immortal, correct?"

Death laughed. "Oh, dear Celestia, you think I've forgotten? I keep those who destiny chose to defy me close to my black, withered heart." Death reached a hoof inside his cloak and pulled forth several golden pendants on chains, resembling small sundials. On one side was a picture of the creature whose life force they represented; on the reverse was an empty hourglass overlaid with an infinity symbol. Twilight's eyes were in awe looking at them, and her inner magical sense couldn't begin to comprehend the aura these pendants gave off. She could spot several beings she knew: Celestia, Luna, Tirek, Discord, and Flurry Heart among them, as well as several she didn't know. Before she could stop to ponder what this meant for herself and Cadance, Death had hidden the pendants away.

"I just hope you remember, O Daybreaker, that if you keep getting yourself imprisoned by a changeling queen, or losing your magic to a demon lord, or getting turned to stone by a unicorn with a bunch of toy airships, I'll have to come and collect you just the same." Death said haughtily. The Sun Princess almost allowed herself to huff loudly in a very unladylike fashion.

"But Luna..."

The blue alicorn froze. Death approached her very gently, yet seemed to instantly appear in front of her just the same.

"The offer I made to you over 1,000 years ago still stands."

Luna sat upon her throne uncomfortably as the skeleton extended a hoof in her direction.

"I know we were much younger back then, but you are just as marvelous a pony still. You and I could live together forever among the peaceful souls in Elysium." His bleached bone hoof reached down and took up Luna's own, daintily raising it between them as she sat, wide-eyed and silent. "Never would you have to die by such cruel means as war or disease. Your soul and body would reside in my realm... the princess of night in eternal sleep..."

Death's glowing red eyes seemed almost gentle as they looked into Luna's. The princess was sweating bullets.

"…a serene and graceful Queen of Death."

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" Celestia brought her hoof down against the marble floor with a sound like thunder. Nopony would've been surprised if she'd cracked it. "Luna made it clear to you 1,000 years ago that she desired not your hoof in marriage, and I can tell from how she behaves in your presence that she still does not!" Death quickly retreated back to where he'd been standing before the dual thrones.

"Now begone, grim reaper!" Celestia stood, her eyes and mane seemingly ready to burst into flame. "And take your pall of darkness with you!"

Death lowered his head, though his eyes were locked on Celestia; he was angry, but knew he could do nothing to harm her. Not wanting to upset Luna, he quickly became his cloud of black smoke once more and whisked himself out of the throne room. The CMCs quickly trotted after him, hoping to calm him down and start on solving his Cutie Mark problem.

Celestia then quickly turned to her sister, putting a comforting hoof on her shoulder and wrapping her up in broad white wings. Twilight approached the throne with a few flaps of hers; Luna was breathing rapidly, and Celestia was doing her best to soothe her.

"Princess Luna, are you alright?" Twilight inquired. The princess was too busy hyperventilating to respond.

"She'll be alright, Twilight. Luna has had panic attacks ever since we were young, and I've learned how to treat them effectively."

"Really? I've never seen one before."

"They're brought about by... very specific circumstances." Celestia explained. "Usually traumatic memories do it, like being overtaken by Nightmare Moon."

"What exactly happened between Luna and Death?"

"That's something Luna is going to have to tell you about. I only know what little she has told me. Perhaps it would help her to talk to you or Starlight; I feel like she might be able to open up to somepony more removed from the whole situation."

Author's Note

And we have a subplot!

PS: Thanks to hyreia for help editing and encouragement.

Them Dry Bones

"Do I have to do this?" asked the reaper. "Why can't you figure out something else?"

"I'm sorry about this, Mr. Death, but we could really use your help here. We don't want to get in trouble with Miss Cheerilee." Sweetie Belle appealed in her squeaky little voice.

"Besides, buddy, we're helpin' you with your whole Cutie Mark problem." Apple Bloom winked at the specter. "The way I see it, you owe us."

"Perhaps I'd be more enthusiastic if there had been some kind of result by now." The gravelly voice of Death resounded from their heads.

"Negative results are technically results!" Scootaloo said with a chuckle. "Besides, it's not like we're asking you to spare us from an inevitable future of aging and death... we just need help with our science project!"

Death huffed and glanced back at Sweetie Belle. "What is it you had in mind?"

With a flourish, Sweetie reached beside her and whisked the blanket off of the object she and Apple Bloom had wheeled out from behind the clubhouse. It was some sort of wooden armature on a mobile base, seeming to have been hastily nailed together with tools borrowed--or pilfered--from Applejack's workshop.

"And what is that?" Death asked.

Scootaloo trotted over to the contraption and Apple Bloom helped her hop atop it with a buzz of her wings.

"You just sit on it," she replied, striking a pose "and you'll look like a model skeleton from a science lab! Then we can give a report on anatomy for our class!"

Death jerked his head back in surprise. "And what makes you think I'd want to do that?!" His voice sounded a little more shrill than he'd have liked it to, but he couldn't help it at the moment.

"Pleeeaaase, Mr. Grim?" Sweetie Belle chimed. "It's the least you could do. We are trying our best to help."

Though Death was not prone to displays of emotion, especially in this physical form, he was unable to restrain an immense, exasperated eye roll. He dropped his scythe to the ground; at his will, his dark cloak vanished from around him in purple flame, and he stood before the Crusaders as bare bones, with only the faint hint of a living equine's outline catching the sun's rays.

He uncomfortably took his place atop the display, a long strip of wood cradling his spine from beneath as though it were holding him up. Some twisted strands of wire held his jaw in place, and various smaller pieces of wood or wire adjusted the angle of his limbs and tail.

"...This is an odd sensation." he mused.

"Can you make yourself look a little more... lifeless?" asked Apple Bloom. "We can still see your eyes an' your Cutie Mark."

Per her request, Death vanished his eerie red eyes and any trace of his ghostly figure or Cutie Mark. He looked to all the world like the skeleton of a tall unicorn, like one might find in a biology lab at a university.

"Perfect!" cried Sweetie Belle. She gave a little hop into the air, feeling chipper as ever.

"We're gonna get such a good grade on our project!" added Scootaloo.

"I suppose this isn't the worst idea they could have thought up." Death thought to himself. "Children can be horrid little creatures sometimes. But they seem well-adjusted enough... I suppose if this gets me closer to solving my 'problem,' I can tolerate this embarrassment..."

"You can stay here at the clubhouse tonight, Mr. Death, that is, if you even need to sleep." said Sweetie Belle. "We'll come back by and get you in the morning."

"I tell you what, girls," Apple Bloom said as the three of them trotted off towards the Boutique, where Rarity was waiting for them "after dinner, we better find a book about skeletons and bone up on our bones! Gotta be able to tell a pelvis from a patella if we want an A from Miss Cheerilee!"

Death passed out of the world for some rest after they'd left. Though he would never have said it out loud, he marveled at their enthusiasm and at their confidence in their ability to help him; as he faded away into the beyond, he wondered if they might actually succeed when all was said and done.

The Crusaders' youthful vigor and excitement for life was on full display for Death once more when they arrived at the clubhouse that morning to retrieve him. Scootaloo tugged the rolling display behind her scooter along the dirt road to the schoolhouse, and the other two fillies trotted along beside her making conversation.

"I can't wait to see the look on everypony's face when we roll in with a great big skeleton for our science project!" Scootaloo said with a grin.

"Just remember, if anypony asks, we borrowed it from Princess Twilight." added Sweetie Belle. "Too many ponies already have heard rumors about us, and we don't want to worry our friends or Miss Cheerilee."

Scootaloo's wheels rattled over a rocky spot in the road, eliciting a muffled groan from the thing under the blanket.

"Watch the bumps." Death muttered.

"Sorry."

"What I think we'll do" Apple Bloom said "is park you just outside the school, then bring ya in when it's time to present."

"And I've got my facts all ready to go!" added Sweetie Belle, producing a passel of flashcards from her mane. "This should go over as smooth as silk!"

"As easy as pie!" quipped Apple Bloom.

"Like a clear sky in ten seconds flat!" said Scootaloo with a smile.

"We can only hope so." said Death. "I certainly hope 'classroom display' doesn't become my new special talent..."

"Thank you, Snips and Snails, for that... wonderful cup of dirt...!" said Cheerilee through a veil of non-disappointment. After a brief pause to flip the page on her clipboard, her countenance brightened. "Next up to display will be the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

The three fillies gleefully popped up out of their seats, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom taking up positions at the front while Scootaloo stepped outside to retrieve their 'project.'

"Thank you, Miss Cheerilee." Sweetie Belle replied in her most polite tone before clearing her throat and switching to a voice of showmareship.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are proud to present to you a science project the likes of which has never been seen at the Ponyville Schoolhouse! A project to surpass even the largest baking soda volcano or the zap apple-powered clock!"

Scootaloo re-entered the room backwards, tugging the display along with her, before positioning it near the teacher's desk and hopping next to Apple Bloom with a flourish.

"Classmates, for your education, I present..." Sweetie grabbed the cloth with her teeth and dramatically whisked it away. The entire class let forth oohs and ahs, with some shifting back in their seats in surprise.

"This is a true-to-life model of the 205 bones in the equine body!" Sweetie smiled, levitating Cheerilee's pointer from the chalkboard tray. "Of course, unicorns have a horn, that's one bone extra, and Pegasi have wings that add a few more."

"But now, we're gonna tell y'all all about the skeleton an' how it's put together!" Apple Bloom chimed in.

Sweetie trotted over to her companions and began to instruct, gently indicating with the pointer what she spoke of and occasionally glancing at a flashcard.

"Starting from back here, a pony's tail is made up of 18 bones and comprises the end of the vertebral column. As you know, our tails are mostly hair, which grows from the dock, the visible, end sequence of tail bones, the rest of which forms the..."

Death had no issue remaining perfectly physically still while the girls presented, but internally, he was struggling. After all, this felt extremely awkward, both the sensation of sitting atop a wooden frame for a good half-hour, and the fact that he was essentially standing naked in front of a room full of children. It wasn't necessarily stage fright (although he wouldn't have known if it were, having never performed anything for anypony,) but simply a combination of strange feelings, strange activities, and strange places. He desperately wished to be someplace else; if he'd had any sweat glands, his anxiety would have been plainly visible.

As the girls continued pointing out various features of the skeletal system, Cheerilee stood to inspect the "model" for herself. Death's proverbial stomach proverbially dropped as Cheerilee looked deep into his vacant eye sockets.

"Where did you find this, girls?" The teacher asked after waiting for a lull in the presentation. "It's remarkably accurate. It almost looks real. Don't tell me you made this yourselves?"

"Nope. We borrowed it." replied Sweetie Belle. "From Princess Twilight."

"I may have to see if she can get one for the classroom." Cheerilee mused. "Not to mention, I am very impressed with your knowledge, girls!"

The trio wrapped up their presentation shortly after with applause from the class and teacher. The skeleton was parked at the back of the classroom while the rest of the students presented, and at the end of the day, some of them walked over to inspect it or curiously prod at limbs or ribs.

That evening, the Crusaders took dinner at their clubhouse, with Death sitting beside them, his pallor self once more.

"You didn't have to let them... examine me." he said, almost shuddering.

"They were curious." said Sweetie Belle simply.

"Hey--at least you taught 'em somethin'." added Apple Bloom.

"And you helped us get an A+ on our project! Thank you so much for that!" Sweetie Belle happy cuddled the reaper's foreleg, which he would have moved if he knew she wouldn't keep trying to hug him.

"Thank you for not playing my ribs like a xylophone." he replied drolly.

"I really wanted to." said Scootaloo.

"Hey, there's an idea!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. "We haven't tried music yet!"

"Ooh, good one!" chirped Scootaloo. "I'll add it to the list!"

"List?" asked Death.

"Well, yeah. Our Round 2 Talent Testing list!" she replied. "I started writing it up at my desk while Sunny Daze and Peachy Pie showed off their plant breeding experiment."

"We don't give up easily, Mr. Death!" cooed Sweetie. "We promised to help you solve your Cutie Mark problem, and that's exactly what we're going to do!"

"We can start tomorrow morning!" Scoots continued, gleefully staring up into the face of Death.

Death took a moment to ponder how odd that was. But he shrugged it off. He knew this was their passion in life--he just hoped they could help him find his.

"I don't have anything else particularly pressing." He said. "But, if you don't mind... could we make it a late morning? I'd like a little time to myself after... today's events."

Sweetie gave a small frown. "I'm sorry, once again, I really had no idea what Snails was going to do with the class hamster."

Author's Note

:unsuresweetie: "Rarity? These anatomy books of yours don't have any skeletons in them. In fact, these are the weirdest pony diagrams I've ever seen."
:raritydespair: "Anatom--? SWEETIE NO!!"

XD Ah, I'm just kidding. That didn't happen, this is a T-rated story. :scootangel:

Of Cutie Marks, Crusading, and Limbo

Later that day, the Cutie Mark Crusaders and their otherworldly client found themselves back at the clubhouse, discussing what could be done about their predicament.

"Mmkay," Scootaloo mumbled from around the crayon in her mouth "we've comphiled a lisht of--" Scootaloo took a moment to spit out the crayon "We've compiled a list of some things that we think might suit you talent-wise!"

Truthfully, it wasn't a particularly long list, and it didn't have much input from Death Himself, but that was probably because he didn't really have any hobbies or interests besides the whole reaping thing. He lifted the list with his magic, red orbs in his skull scanning the crudely scribbled words. Though he had no brow to arch, the confusion was almost visible across his pallor face anyhow.

"Are you quite sure about some of these? I'm having trouble picturing number 12 in particular."

"Don't worry, Mr. Reaper!" Sweetie Belle reassured. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders always find a solution! And we never give up, do we, girls?"

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shared a glance of unsureness, trying to remember numerous times they'd almost given up.

"Do we, girls?" Sweetie Belle emphasized.

"We sure don't!" Apple Bloom sounded off. Scootaloo pounded her hooves together in determination.

"Then let's get started on the case that'll make the CMC famous!" Sweetie Belle thrust a hoof towards her friends, who each placed one atop hers. Smiling, Sweetie gestured with her eyes for Death to join in, and he did so reluctantly.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, GO!!! The girls cheered as they raised their hooves to the sky.

Talent Test #1: Landscaping

The fillies led their guest to a large open field on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres. Apple Bloom had been a little hesitant to do so, both because she was somewhat distrustful of Death (though she didn't let her suspicion show to her friends,) and because she didn't wish to get in trouble with Applejack or Granny Smith should something go awry. Nonetheless, the three ponies and a supernatural entity found themselves before a plain of grasses and weeds, which was normally a hayfield for the Apple Family when it was in season.

"I mean, this is what a scythe is intended for, right?" Sweetie Belle's lilting voice inquired. "If not a farmer, you might make a good groundskeeper! Or a landscaper!"

"Lawn maintenance is a very important part of maintaining property value in today's housing market." Scootaloo added with a nod.

Everypony looked at her, somewhat astonished. The little Pegasus shrugged.

"The doctor's office has magazines for a reason, guys."

Death turned his attention back to the field, a somber voice sounding out from within the skulls of those near.

"I was destined to be a reaper of a different sort, or so I thought. Since the first pony passed out of this world, I have existed. For untold millennia, I have watched them come and go, each one's life but a blink in time, falling like leaves from trees or blades of grass. The company I keep only grows, but even so, the living keep living just the same."

The Crusaders were momentarily silent.

"Ooooookaaaaaay..." Apple Bloom drawled out.

"And apparently I'm weird." Scootaloo muttered.

"Well, time to try some new talents!" Sweetie Belle chimed, gesturing to the field with a smile. "Give grass cutting a go!"

Death took a step back, planting one of his hooves into the ground as he shifted his scythe off his shoulders. The Crusaders stepped back a good ways for their own safety. The reaper's eyes seemed to narrow as he raised his blade above his head, the large orb in its head seeming to glow and ripple with ethereal fire.

Finally, he swung the scythe in a great, sweeping arc before him, and the air seemed to be sliced open by the passing blade. The whoosh that the fillies were expecting to hear was replaced by a faint yet horrid screech, and a wave of energy swept forth from the blade, growing wider as it leveled the grass in its path. Foliage wilted and fell to the ground, dying as the wave passed over it. A great miasma of decay rose up from the ground as the entire field was rendered fallow within the space of a minute. The earth itself almost seemed to moan in despair.

As Death turned to regard his companions, each of them displayed a wide-eyed, slack-jawed countenance that, honestly, he wasn't expecting. The three were quickly released from their awestruck stupor by the sound of a door being loudly swung open. From some distance away, Applejack emerged from one of the storage sheds on the hill and began shaking her hoof angrily.

"Consarn it, Apple Bloom! Look whatcha gone an' done to the hayfield! I'm prob'ly gonna hafta replant the entire--"

"RUN!" Apple Bloom abruptly cut in, before she, the others, and Death all quickly trotted away in the direction they had came. Sweetie Belle carefully levitated the list from her mane and a pencil from behind her ear, marking off attempt number one.

Talent Test #4: Painting

Evidently, the residents of Ponyville had somehow become aware of the presence of Death in their town, though whether it was because of a frightened unicorn named Vinyl Scratch or words from another horse's mouth, nopony could be sure. So it seemed that even as the Crusaders attempted to skirt the residential limits with their grim guest, any ponies nearby turned and ran upon catching a glimpse of a frazzled purple mane or a marshmallow-like hoof. Nonetheless, the three fillies that accompanied the specter eventually found themselves at the local art studio, which likewise had been vacated by ponies; the only exception was Treehugger, who, being generally unfazed by most things, welcomed them in without batting an eyelash.

The girls had set up Death with an easel, a canvas, and a selection of paints and brushes. He thoughtfully levitated a line brush and inspected it, observing the bristles and the delicate wooden handle.

"I've never tried my hoof at the arts before." He commented. "Of course, I suppose I've never really had much reason or inspiration to do so." He was still hopeful of finding something new to occupy his eternity, though he was beginning to wonder if pulling oneself away from the call of their Cutie Mark was as easy as it had seemed.

"You just gotta try what feels natural! Let your heart guide the brush!" Scootaloo said with an artistic gesture of her hoof. "Sometimes I just smear paint all over the thing until I've made a mess I'm happy with! It doesn't have to make sense!"

"I think that's also why Miss Cheerilee made you stay after class, Scootaloo." Apple Bloom added. "You had trouble staying on the canvas."

"Anyway," Sweetie Belle spoke up "the girls and I are going to sit over there and do our own paintings. Then we can all share our artwork together!"

"But I don't know what I should paint." Death replied.

Sweetie tilted her head. "It's like Scootaloo said. It doesn't necessarily have to be anything. You could just paint how you feel, if you want. As long as there's paint on the canvas in a way that means something to you, it's a painting!"

As the fillies sat down to create their own works of art, Death put a hoof to his chin and pondered what his canvas might become. He eventually decided that painting his emotions might not be a bad idea. After all, he'd been through plenty of them in the past day alone. Putting brush to canvas might help in processing them. Carefully, he lifted a larger brush, dipped it into his favorite color, black, and began slathering the blank slate.

Some time later, the four of them had added the finishing touches and were ready to show their work.

"Alright!" said Sweetie Belle. "Check this out! I made a little Nightmare Night scene! There's the moon, a bunch of ghosts, and us and Death with lots of candy!" Turning her canvas to face the others, there was indeed a not-subpar rendition of three little fillies in reaper cloaks with buckets full of sweets, accompanied by the reaper and a gaggle of galloping ghosts under a full moon.

"Me next!" called Scootaloo, turning her canvas about. "I did a skyscape with me and Rainbow Dash making a Sonic Rainboom!" Indeed, upon the canvas there were two rudimentary ponies surrounded by clouds, blue sky, and a flurry of explosive rainbows blasting out from around them. If Death had wished to use a modern colloquialism, which he didn't, he would have said it was "freakin' rad." But instead, he simply gave a slow nod of approval.

"What did you paint, Apple Bloom?" Sweetie asked. The yellow filly smiled and rolled her eyes.

"About what you'd think." She replied, turning her canvas. It was a bright, shiny, red apple, exquisitely detailed, and taking up most of the canvas. The other two girls laughed, but commended her effort and her improvement from the last time they'd painted together.

"Alright Bonesy, what'd you paint?" The country bumpkin drawled out with a smile.

"I'm not sure this is ready to be seen by mortal eyes..." Death replied. "I drew upon my inner turmoil to create this. I... don't want to risk your safety."

Sweetie Belle mimicked her sister's pbbt accompanied by a dismissive wave of the hoof.

"It's okay, Mr. Death." she said. "Everypony is unsure of sharing their art at first. But what better way to overcome those nerves than by showing your three closest friends first?"

Death raised the brow he didn't possess. He wasn't quite sure he'd call them friends yet, but at the very least, he had grown accustomed to them. He supposed that if sharing his artwork was part of the exercise, then so be it. After all, he came to them to ask for help.

"Very well..." he said slowly. "Tell me what you think."

Upon turning his canvas around, the three fillies' eager faces suddenly became blank slates. Their jaws slacked open and their eyes went even wider than normal, filled with the popping and jumping lines of interdimensional static, the faint sound of which escaped their gaping mouths. Sweetie Belle even toppled sideways off of her stool, stiff as a statue.

For the first time in his entire vast memory of his own existence, Death let out a quick, high-pitched shriek of panic.

He dropped his canvas face down on the floor, concealing its eldritch image from further viewing. He quickly rushed over and put Sweetie Belle upright, back on her seat in roughly the position she'd been in. After rushing to check on Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, all the while muttering panicked no's to himself, he retrieved his scythe from the corner of the room. After using its blade to draw a rough approximation of a magic circle around the group, he hurriedly recited an incantation before striking the ground with his scythe. A column of mystic light shot upwards to the sky, visible even from outside the building, and when it faded, the Crusaders were their normal selves again, albeit with headaches and lacking memories from the past few seconds.

Treehugger, having witnessed all this from across the room, let out a mildly interested huh.

"Ugh... what happened?" asked Sweetie Belle, rubbing her noggin.

Scootaloo massaged her temples. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"I think we were showing off our paintin's..." Apple Bloom said, a bit woozy. "Death, were you gonna show us your paintin'?"

"Nope." Death said firmly, using his scythe to banish the painting from their current plane of existence. "What's next on the list?"

Talent Test #7: Baking

After taking a brief rest and testing some other talents to no avail, the four made their way to Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville's famous bakery. After explaining their intentions to Pinkie Pie, she gladly let them into the kitchen and began laying out a multitude of ingredients to be used in the making of cupcakes.

"Making cupcakes is super-duper simple, Mr. Reaper! You just take some basically basic stuff, toss it all together, bake it, and you've got a deliciously yummy sweet treat that everypony enjoys!" Pinkie said as she cheerfully pronked about. Death regarded the Crusaders with suspicion as they set up an array of baking implements before him and bound him with an apron and chef's hat.

"Something tells me this won't end like you expect." he said dryly. "I've never--"

"I know, you've never done this before." Sweetie Belle gently chided. "But you can't know if you're good at something if you don't try it. That's what the Cutie Mark Crusaders are all about!"

"A modus operandi that's as good as any, I suppose." Death replied. "But what need have I for baking? I don't eat."

"Is that because it goes right through you?" Pinkie chimed in with a childish smile.

"Maybe you can make something that other ponies will like?" Scootaloo posited. "Food can be a great way to make friends! I can still remember the first time Sweetie, Apple Bloom and I ate together, right here at Sugarcube Corner!"

"Alright, ponies!" Pinkie emerged from behind the opposite side of the counter. "Making cupcakes is really a piece of cake! Just follow my instructions and you'll have something scrumptious in no time!"

And so, Death and his diminutive helpers followed the pink pony's guidance, mixing together various quantities of milk, sugar, butter, flour, and other ingredients into a thick batter. For flavoring, Pinkie opted to create chocolate fudge cupcakes with diced walnuts mixed in, which she would top with sugary pink frosting; the Crusaders, meanwhile, couldn't decide what kind they wanted to make, so they allowed Death to choose, resulting in manna-flavored cupcakes which would be topped with pomegranate seeds and an ash-grey frosting.

Whereas Pinkie chose to bake her cupcakes using the oven's usual settings for about 20 minutes, Death placed his cupcake sheet into another dimension (which, to his credit, he accessed via the oven) which required the mortals present to don eye protection. After letting them bake for about 30 seconds, during which time the oven shook violently and roaring could be heard from within, Death extracted the cupcakes and placed them on the table; their texture and coloration somewhat resembled scorched earth.

After both parties had completed the final steps of decoration, they arranged a taste test with some blind participants, after, of course, Death assured everypony that the ingredients he'd introduced were not lethal. He and the Crusaders observed curiously from the kitchen as Pinkie passed out the treats in the lobby, telling the customers it was a new recipe she was experimenting with. Several ponies curiously inspected the only-slightly-charred cupcakes before biting into them. A variety of reactions were elicited, some partially positive, most negative.

"It's a good flavor..." said one "...very mild. But it doesn't feel right in my mouth."

"I suppose that's because manna isn't really an ideal mortal food." Death pondered, listening from the doorframe. "It fills the stomach, but nourishes the spirit more."

"What's manna?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Pure spiritual energy that is fed to souls in the afterlife." Death replied. "Using magic, it can be made manifest in the physical world, but it's really just filler in that sense. But, since one is usually starving when they summon it, it also helps to inspire them to keep going."

Another pony coughed and spat out their cupcake in the lobby. "Ugh, what? No offense, Pinkie, but I don't think this one is a keeper."

Death turned, half frustrated and half demoralized. Next to him, the three fillies were each trying his cupcakes, with varying degrees of confusion and scrunched-up little noses.

"I don't think it's that bad." Sweetie said. "I like pomegranate, and the seeds give it a nice crunch. It's just that the rest of it... needs work." She gave a small burp from deep in her chest, followed by a polite request to be excused.

"They ain't really baked goods, but they ain't baked bads neither." Apple Bloom added, wiping icing from her mouth. "They're more like... baked mehs."

"Why don't you try one, Grimmy? You made them, after all." Scootaloo held up one of the baked mehs with a smile.

Suppressing his immense desire never to be called "Grimmy" again, Death took the cupcake from her, opened his jaw for the first time she could remember him doing so, and made the treat disappear into his cloak.

"So? What'dya think?" asked Apple Bloom.

"I don't have a tongue, I can't taste."

Later that day, as the sun was beginning its trek toward the horizon, the CMC and Death were exhaustedly walking back to their treehouse, pulling a busted up little red wagon behind them. Scootaloo buzzed along on her scooter.

"I told you number 12 wouldn't work." Death remarked.

"At least we didn't end up covered in tree sap." Apple Bloom quipped.

"Maybe you didn't." The reaper replied.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Death." Sweetie Belle said, a downtrodden note in her voice. "I thought something on our list would surely have worked for you today."

"Guess you're a bit too tall for our brand of daredevilry." Scootaloo chimed in.

"I've never seen a wagon do that before." Apple Bloom added.

"Look," Death said "I truly appreciate the effort you three have gone through to help me find fulfillment once more, but I fear that I may simply be a lost cause." The group of four arrived at the treehouse, and Death rested himself upon the ground with a clatter of bones.

"My art makes ponies' minds break. It's hard to play soccer when a fast-moving ball can dislocate your parts. Candle-making went great, but purple fire and the scent of decay makes ponies uncomfortable. The only birdhouses I can make look like coffins, and as we've just learned, putting me in a wagon attached to an out-of-control scooter results in the two of us careening into a market stall full of oranges."

"Not oranges." Scootaloo corrected. "Tangelos."

"Whatever." Death replied. "The point is, I'm not sure that I'm doing anything more than wasting your time."

"I s'pose he could literally give us more time to make up for it." Apple Bloom whispered to Sweetie Belle.

"Please, Mr. Death." Sweetie pleaded, stepping forward to grab his cloak. "Don't give up on us yet. We will find something you're good at. We've actually got one more thing on the list..."

"And what would that be?" Death inquired as the filly retrieved her paper.

"Ever hear of a game called limbo?"

Scootaloo carefully maneuvered herself underneath the bar, balancing carefully on her hind legs and buzzing her little wings for support, careful not to turn her head or let any part of her body touch the bar. Upon reaching the other side, she flipped herself around with a smile.

"And that's how it's played!" Sweetie Belle said with a flourish of her hoof.

"That's ridiculous." Death scoffed. "Why on earth would I attempt something so pointless? It's not a game, it's barely an obstacle course."

"C'moooooon!" Scootaloo begged. "It's fun! Watch, Apple Bloom can go lower than any of us!"

Scoots and Sweetie each took an end of the bamboo pole in their teeth and lowered it by three notches on its rack. Apple Bloom rubbed her forehooves together in eagerness, before straining underneath the tight constraint on her hind legs, barely managing, but succeeding, to get through without touching the bar. On the other side, she did a cartwheel in celebration and struck a victory pose as the girls cheered.

"Let's see you do better than that!" she taunted.

Death rolled his eyes. "Allow me."

In his aura, he lowered the bar to its bottommost rung. Stepping back, he turned himself into the black cloud via which he had traveled to Ponyville earlier that day and slipped beneath, not a single wisp casting itself upon the pole. Reforming on the other side, his featureless face almost seemed to be smirking. Apple Bloom pouted.

"That's cheatin'." she muttered.

"Did you like it?" asked Sweetie Belle eagerly.

Death tilted his head. "It was a brief repast from the stresses of the day."

"That's exactly what games are!" she said. "...I think!"

"Ultimately though," he continued "I do not see it worthy of a continued investment of my time."

"I do suppose you're already as good as somepony could get..." said Scootaloo, looking at the ground.

Suddenly, from off in the distance, a voice could be heard calling.

"Sweetie Belle!" It was Rarity. "It's time for dinner! That's enough 'crusading' for today!"

"Just a minute!" the filly called back. "I guess we'll have to try this again after school tomorrow, girls."

Suddenly, Apple Bloom's eyes popped open wide.

"SCHOOL!" she cried. "Girls, we completely forgot our science project for Miss Cheerilee's class!" The other fillies leapt into a panic along with her.

"Oh no!" Sweetie Belle said, grabbing her head in her hooves. "If we get a bad grade on this one, our sisters will probably ground us!"

"And then we won't be able to help Death with his Cutie Mark problem!" added Scootaloo. "What are we gonna do?!"

"I can't believe we forgot all about the project!" continued Sweetie Belle. "How are we gonna whip up a last-minute presentation for a science class?!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the fillies' heads raised from their panicked state.

They looked at each other.

They looked at Death.

Death's eyes flicked between them.

"What have I gotten myself into?" he thought.

Author's Note

You wouldn't believe how hard it was to think of talents that could be fouled up in this situation... or at least, ones without the potential for juvenile dismemberment. :unsuresweetie:

Decided I'd bring this one back from the dead for Spooktober's sake. Please keep the comment section a happy place, guys.
(For instance, you could see how many references to other media you spot in this chapter!) :pinkiehappy: