A Perfectly Useless Body

by Pokota

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Human
Length: 3401

Brony wakes up near Highland Resivoir to find himself a walking cliche.

An amateur writer woke up one morning to find himself near a lake. To his horror, he discovered that he had both wings and a horn. But after a short while, he finds himself introducing himself to the living embodiments of the elements of harmony in the hopes that they can help him get home. But, between his fears, his intentions, and his effects on the ponies around him, will he even be allowed to leave?

Published 2012-08-06 17:04:09 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-06 17:04:09 UTC

I already feel sueish enough as it is

The sunrise, like the millions before and after it, slowly woke up ponies all across Equestria. But for one young male, this sunrise would bring something very different.

"Mmm... cold." was all he said. He stood up and trotted his way over to a lake to get some water. But catching his reflection, he noticed something was odd.

He had a horn. He wasn't supposed to have a horn. He felt like he had wings, too. For that matter, why was his face covered in...

"Oh, dear God NO!" he screamed, galloping away from the lake. "Anything but that!"

The creature ran his way through the fields, his wings tucked low to his body, his head held low so that his mane covered his horn.

After all, of all the cliche'd ways to wake up in a different world, why did he have to be something that shouldn't exist?

"...and there'll be balloons and ribbons and music and ribbons and, wait, I said ribbons already. Can't we have a party?" A perfectly pink pony bounced around a yellow pegasus, who looked very much like she wanted to not be there at all. Barely making any sound, Fluttershy tried to fly away, only to find Pinkie Pie somehow holding on to her tail with her hooves. "I won't make too much of a mess this time, I promise! And I'll make sure not to scare the bunnies away too! Can we please please please..."

Despite Pinkie Pie's added weight weighing her down, Fluttershy rose higher and higher. "We can have a... what is that?"

Out of the blue, a blue streak of blue and red and yellow and green and many other colors blew right past the timid pegasus, causing her to lose what little balance she had. A moment later, Fluttershy found herself sitting on top of Pinkie Pie, who didn't really seem to notice. Rainbow Dash quickly made a U-Turn, and came to a relative stop in the nearby air.

"Sorry Fluttershy, I was in a rush to get to the lake and didn't see you there." The coltish pegasus apologised briefly, then made to fly off again.

"I wonder what's going on at the lake?" Fluttershy asked, slowly getting back into the air.

"Whatever it is, it sounds fun!" Pinkie pie said, and bounced off at full speed, all thoughts of her party forgotten.

The Pink Wonder made her way through Ponyville, causing many ponies to look agitatedly out at her as they rubbed the sleep out of their eyes. Every morning for the past week, Pinkie Pie had been waking every pony in Ponyville up early with babbling about whatever it was she was excited about for that day while darting around. The brave few would try and keep up with the Pink Menace in the hopes that whatever it was that day would be interesting, but for the most part she was basically an overexcited alarm clock system for the town.

One of the brave few this morning was Twilight Sparkle. She normally didn't really care what Pinkie Pie was excited about in the mornings, simply thinking of her as a volunteer alarm clock when she did her morning dash. No, this morning the reason she was one of the brave few was because she had an overnight experiment going on at the lake that she didn't want disturbed. Galloping as fast as she could, she at least managed to keep Pinkie Pie within her range of vision.

"Pinkie Pie, wait!" yelled Twilight as loud as she could, which given the exertion that keeping up with the rambunctious pony required really wasn't all that loud at all. After all, she did still need to breathe.

After a few minutes, Twilight and Pinkie arrived at the lake. Pinkie Pie immediately turned around. "I won!" Clearly, she had forgotten why she was going to the lake in the first place.

Rainbow Dash was flying around over the lake, looking around for something as Twilight half-scolded Pinkie Pie. "Pinkie Pie, *huff* don't disturb my *huff* experiments today, *huff* please?"

Pinkie Pie merely laughed and bounced her way back to Ponyville. Twilight took a moment to catch her breath, then looked up at the sky. Rainbow Dash was still flying around, looking for something, as the rest of this morning's brave few started the trek back to Ponyville.

"Rainbow Dash, do you know why Pinkie Pie decided to hold an impromptu race to the lake this morning?" she called up to the sky.

There was a rush of wind as Rainbow Dash came in closer to where the purple unicorn was. "Huh? Pinkie Pie held a race? When was this?"

Twilight sighed. "Never mind. What are you looking around for, anyway?"

"One of the Mail Pegasi said she saw a strange pegasus running away from here this morning." Rainbow Dash said. "Considering it was Derpy Hooves, I figured she meant 'flying' instead of running."

Twilight tilted her head to one side. "How do you expect to find the pony by flying around in the air? Do pegasi leave trails in the air?" She asked as she turned and started to check on her experiment. Rainbow Dash thought a moment about what Twilight said, then shrugged and continued flying around on the off-chance that the reported pegasus had in fact left a trail in the air.

From not very far away, a pair of crystal blue eyes were watching from within a bush. "If anypony can help me, Twilight Sparkle can." The owner of the eyes said to himself, not realizing what he had just said.

One hour later, and the owner of the pair of eyes still hadn't left his spot in the bushes. He wasn't sure why it was that he wasn't moving. This was a dream come true for him, in one sense - he had said only the night before to some of his friends that he would give up everything he had to be near Twilight Sparkle, but now he found himself paralyzed with both fear and confusion.

'Not that I can stay hidden with Pinkie Pie bouncing around' he said under his breath. As if on cue, Pinkie Pie bounced right on top of him.

"Hi there! I'm Pinkie-"

He didn't even give her a chance to introduce herself. "Yes yes, You're Pinkie Pie, you want to be my friend, and now that we've just met, you're about to burst into song, and so on and so forth. You can call me Tom Dan, it's nice to meet you, but I'm really not supposed to be here."

"Tom Dan? Like Rarity's rock that she doesn't want us talking about any more but that we tease her about when she starts being greedy about stuff?" Pinkie Pie asked.

Tom Dan grimaced. "I want to keep my real name a secret from everypony. I'm not even supposed to be a pony or a pegasus or a unicorn or whatever it is I am."

"What are you supposed to be, then?" Pinkie asked. It was a minor miracle that Twilight Sparkle hadn't heard anything yet. Tom Dan leaned in close to Pinkie's ear and whispered something. "You're supposed to be a WHAT!?" So much for staying undercover. So much for small miracles. So much for stage fright. Twilight Sparkle came darting over to where the two of them were, as did Rainbow Dash.

"What's going on?" Both of them asked as they got close. Pinkie Pie bounced around excitedly.

"This pony here, Tom Dan, he says he's supposed to be a Human! I don't even know what a Human is, but I'm super excited to meet one!"

Tom pawed the ground nervously. "I woke up this morning by the lake, and I was like this. I'm a walking cliche like this, too, what with the wings and the horn and-"

Rainbow Dash gave him a quick once-around. "He doesn't have a cutie mark. Where are you from, anyway?"

Pinkie Pie was bouncing around again. "He said he's from Earth." She was bouncing in the direction of Ponyville. "I'm gonna get the others, maybe they can help."

The others. Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy. "Just what I need, an unintentional harem." Tom Dan groused. Twilight was hiding a smile behind a hoof.

"It's actually my fault that you're here, Dan Tom..." Twilight began.

"Tom Dan." He corrected automatically.

"Tom Dan, sorry."

"Wait, isn't that the name of Rarity's...?" Rainbow Dash started to ask, but Tom cut her off.

"Yes it is, please continue Twilight."

"Well, I was running an experiment to see if I could summon a mythical creature from before the Age of Discord. Humans went extinct on Oath during Discord's first reign, so..."

Twilight went on about the history of Oath, but Tom wasn't paying attention to what she was saying. So humans had lived in this world at one time, but they'd all died out during Discord's first reign. "Discord's first reign, was that the one ended by the Princesses?"

Twilight nodded and continued on about the history of Oath as Tom processed this interesting bit of information. Rainbow Dash started to fly around out of boredom, and Tom decided to try something that he would end up regretting a moment later.

He hopped.

He skipped.

He jumped about three feet into the air, flapping his wings furiously.

Nothing. He sure got some funny looks from Twilight and Rainbow Dash, but at least now he knew that he was incapable of flight. As Rainbow Dash pointed out a moment later. He tuned her out, though, in order to test something else.

He closed his eyes.

He focused on the lake.

He imagined water rising from the lake.

Nothing. No magic. No flight. He may as well have become an Earth Pony for all the good his wings and horn were doing him. It would have been easier for him to blend in if he'd had.

"...and that's how I got my cutie mark!" Twilight finished triumphantly.

"I thought that was Pinkie Pie's joke." Tom said flatly. "And I know a lot more than I should about all of you. Though now I'm wondering when it is now. I know this is after you've had your fight with Discord, but... have you heard from your brother recently?" He asked.

"You have a brother?" Rainbow Dash asked the perplexed purple unicorn.

"I do, but I haven't heard anything from him since I moved to Ponyville. Should I be worried about my brother?"

Tom Dan sighed. "I don't know yet because I don't know what day it is. Has Cranky Doodle Donkey moved into town already? Has Apple Bloom caught the Cutie Pox yet? I need to know when this is so that I know-"

Then it clicked. He knew what question to ask. "Have you found the Time Travel spells yet?" He asked directly to Twilight Sparkle.

"Cranky Doodle Donkey moved into Ponyville a month ago, Apple Bloom caught the Cutie Pox before that, and they're in the Starswirl the Bearded section, as I found out last week. How do you know about all of that?" Twilight Sparkle gave him a Look.

"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you while having all three princesses vet my answers, so I may as well say 'I'm from the future' for all the good it will do. Wait, you brought me here? Can you send me back?"

"Well, no. The spells I know only work in one direction. Besides, if you're supposed to be a human, the spells I know of wouldn't fix that."

Tom shook his head in despair, revealing the horn that he'd been hiding. He could hear Twilight squeaking with excitement.

"Wow, wings and a horn? You must be a very important human to have been turned into an Alicorn."

Tom shook his head. "I was - am - whatever. I'm not a very important human at all, just a normal one who is pretty much as lost back home as he is here in Equestria. Besides, the wings and horn don't work anyway, I tried them not too long ago."

He was starting to feel more relaxed, and the three of them chatted for a bit. Tom Dan forgot entirely about warning Twilight about how her brother was going to be in danger and how she should probably get in touch with him as soon as possible, and the ponies seemed to forget about it as well. Before long, Pinkie Pie led the others to where they were all at. "Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, this is Tom Dan, a Human."

"Nice to meet you, Tom."

"Well howdy there, Tom Dan."

"The pleasure is mine, I assure you. Wait, Tom Dan, as in that rock that nobody but myself seems to want to forget about?"

He hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "It's an assumed name, as I want to keep my real name a secret."

Rarity looked torn between hate for this living reminder of her being brainwashed, and joy at meeting such an exotic creature. The look on her face seemed to be a forced grin. "Well, the pleasure is still mine, Mister Dan. Are you a prince among humans, or are all humans as royal as your body suggests?"

Then the questions started pouring in.

"What's yer cutie mark?"

"Do humans even have cutie marks?"

Tom shook his head in the negative. "If humans had cutie marks, I'd still be a blank flank."

"Do humans really stand on two legs?"

"Is it true that humans don't have... you know?"

"Yes we do, when we're not turned into ponies. No, we don't have fur if that's what you're asking."

The questions kept coming, and everybody came away knowing more about Humans than they started out knowing (except for Tom, but he came away knowing a fair bit more about ponies). Time passed, and eventually it was mid-afternoon.

"Oh yeah. Tom Dan, there's a party this evening at the old barn if you want to come. Your horn is small enough that you can hide it with your mane if you want to come. Oooh, I know! An AFRO will hide it perfectly! Rarity, can you give him a big poofy afro so that his horn can be hidden so that ponies will think he's a pegasus?" Pinkie said all in one breath. Nobody knew how she was able to do that.

Rarity took a look at Tom. "I could give him an afro if I knew what one looked like. Besides, I'd have to bring him to Carousel Boutique in order to do anything with his mane. He could probably do with a smart suit too, and I need to get to work on Lyra Heartstring's pants today anyway. May as well get Tom measured while I'm working on his mane."

Tom snickered. "Lyra really does wear pants? I thought that was an invention of the fans."

"Lyra has fans?" Rainbow Dash groaned. "I'm way more awesome than she is and I don't have any fans."

"You're also a lot more bigheaded than she is and take any sort of lack of praise to be a condemnation. That gives ponies plenty of reasons to not be your fans." Twilight pointed out.

"Oh, right. You know, you could have told me I was being a bigheaded jerkmuffin instead of disguising yourselves as Mare-Do-Well and upstaging me that whole week."

"We tried talkin' some sense into ya, but you wouldn't listen." Applejack said flatly.

Tom Dan turned to Rarity. "I think Cheerilee can show you what an Afro looks like, not that I'm particularly keen on wearing one."

“I find it a little odd, now that I think about it.” Tom said as the two of them trotted to Cheerilee's house.

“What do you find to be odd?” Rarity asked.

“Well, I'm a stranger in a strange land, and here you six are accepting me as someone who's been in Equestria all his life.” He scratched at his nose with a wing.

Rarity laughed. “Ever since Gilda the Griffin, we've given Pinkie Pie license to vet everypony new. If she says you're okay, then that's good enough for the rest of us.”

Tom sighed, slightly dejectedly. “That doesn't help matters one bit. It feels like I've woken up in a Sattelite-Of-Love-worthy self-insert fic.”

“A... what?” Rarity asked, clearly confused by the choice of words.

“A self-insert fic... it's a story where the writer inserts himself into a story, though the phrase is usually only used when it's not the author's original world that he's inserting himself into. It's part of why I call myself Tom Dan, helps me to feel less like a bad original character.”

“Bad... as in evil?”

“As in poorly-written.” Tom sighed again. “Though I suppose it's a good thing that Spike hasn't lunged out of the darkness with the mistaken idea that we're on a date.”

Rarity giggled. “Well, this is a sort of a date, I suppose. It has been so long since I've seen Cheerilee at home, too. Mostly it's been meeting her at school or at the Boutique for something about Sweetie Belle.”

“Shouldn't a parent go to parent-teacher conferences?” Tom asked, upset at the idea of parents not caring about their children's education.

Rarity frowned. “Yes. Yes they should. I've long hoped that my parents would try home-schooling Sweetie Belle as they travel Oath for their research, but they think she'll do better staying in one place.” She sniffed. “I do think it's had a positive effect on her, but she's essentially my daughter for eight months out of the year. More if my parents succeed in fobbing her off on me during the summer months. Still, she is my sister, and I do love her.”

Tom turned this information over in his head. “The bronies would probably explode in anger if they heard that about your parents.”

“The whats, now? Are they creatures from your world?”

“Bronies are humans who have fallen in love with a cartoon that... well, you won't believe this, but a cartoon that follows you and your friends – and occasionally Sweetie Belle and her friends – as you all live life. It's popular all over my world.” Tom said, starting to get excited about The Show. “The series opens up with Twilight Sparkle first coming to Ponyville, and so far it's... it's... well, I know that it ended with something very significant.”

“So we're finally world famous? Wait, what is a 'car tune'? Is it like an opera?”

Tom held up a wing to try and calm Rarity down. “Huh, these things make more sense the longer I have them. Kinda glad the horn doesn't work, though. Overpowered Original Characters just scream 'Mary Sue', and I already feel sueish enough as it is. A cartoon is a series of pictures that tell a story.” He flapped his wings experimentally.

Rarity had tilted her head at him again. “Mary Sue? Sueish? I'm a little confused by what you mean.”

“Say, for example, that Rainbow Dash tried writing a Daring Do story with herself in it.”

“Oh, so she did like it? I was wondering why she was hanging out at the Library so much these days.”

“Well, can you imagine if Rainbow Dash wrote herself into the Daring Do stories?”

“There would be Sonic Rainbooms everywhere, the villains would be rendered incompetent by her very presence, and she would at the very least be dating every eligible character in the story.” Rarity said flatly. “Rainbow Dash has a very powerful sense of the dramatic, but she simply has not got enough experience in storytelling to tell a believable story.”

“That would effectively be what a Mary Sue does to a story. There's no meaningful conflict with just what's already in the story. I intend to keep myself from becoming a Mary Sue. And the first step in that process is hiding – or better yet, removing – this horn.”

The two of them had finally arrived at Cheerilee's cottage. Rarity knocked on the door. “I get the feeling you're a writer, Mister Dan.”

“I'm an amateur writer, and I'm happy to keep things that way. Gives me more freedom to write the stories I want to write without stepping on anybody's toes... hooves... whatever.”