Cutcakes

by myothercarisapony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 3891

Cupcakes, now requiring 100% less brain bleach. And with any luck, containing a bit more comedy.

Remember Cupcakes? Remember thinking how funny it would be if someone rewrote it to be completely sanitised and family-friendly? Oh. Well here it is anyway.

Credit to Sergeant Sprinkles for some of the dialogue carried over into this. As well as, of course, for writing this story's inspiration.

19/1/12: Made a tweak to a couple of sentences that felt clumsy. No major changes.

Published 2011-12-12 04:43:01 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-12 04:43:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Author's note: If you've got the original Cupcakes to hand, this takes over from the part where Dash passes out for the first time. It's not necessary to have read it though.

**********

Rainbow Dash groggily opened her eyes. The nearly pitch-black interior of the room greeted her. Puzzled, she attempted to clear her head a little by shaking it, but found it wouldn't move.

Neither would her legs.

Her sense of urgency rising, she tried again. Then she realised it was no bout of paralysis: tight straps were positioned all over her head and legs, holding her in place on some sort of rack. Her wings were mercifully unbound, but she flapped them frantically to no avail.

Her struggles continued until something leapt into view, causing her to jump.

Her vision had started to adapt to the darkness and she could tell the shape was a pony, but nothing beyond that.

“Oooh goodie you're awake. Now we can get... started!”

“Pinkie?” Dash said, recognising the voice. “What's going on? I..I can't move!”

“Well duh- you're tied down! Of course you can't move. I didn't think I'd need to tell you that!”

“But why? What's happening? I thought I was going to help you make cupcakes.”

“You are helping. I ran out of the... "Special Ingredient" and I need you to get more!”

“Special ingredient?” Dash couldn't help herself; she was out of breath and starting to panic. “What special ingredient?”

Pinkie giggled.

“You, silly!”

Time seemed to freeze momentarily for Dash as a stab of terror shot through her body. Then she started to laugh and said, in a voice near hysteria, “Woo, you really got me there, Pinkie Pie. I mean, making me think I’m gonna get baked into a cupcake? I gotta tell you; this is your best prank ever. You win, you’re the best.”

“Aw DASHIE!” The pink pony's smile collapsed into a pout. “You weren't supposed to work it out so fast!” Then as quickly as it had left, her smile returned. “You're too big of a smarty-pants for Pinkie Pie!”

Rainbow Dash laughed again as a wave of sweet relief crashed over her, far larger than she was willing to let on.

“Pinkie... this wasn't funny.” She said, trying and failing to keep the smile off her face.

“Then why were you laughing?” The grinning party pony countered, as she bounced up and down.

Dash could now begin to see more of the rack she was tied to. It was extremely strongly-constructed, and had what looked for all the world like a fully-functional mechanism for tilting it.

“All this for just one lame prank?” She would have shaken her head if she could.

“Ooh no- now I remember! I wanted to show this to somepony I know before revealing it to everypony!”

Pinkie bounced out of view. With a click, dim lights winked into life, illuminating the room weakly.

Dash jumped again as she caught sight of the pony skulls decorating the room. Realisation dawned that they were actually lovingly-crafted out of papier-mâché, with black paint daubed in appropriate places for the eyes and teeth. In fact, the entire room was laid out with various spooky items, including carved pumpkins, toy spiders, and as-yet unlit black candles. Nets resembling spiders' webs dangled in every corner. Balloons shaped like hydra heads were grouped strategically all around.

In effect, a typical Pinkie Pie spread in the basement of Sugarcube Corner, but heavily themed for a certain upcoming festival.

Rainbow couldn't help feeling a warm glow of affection. This must have taken hours.

She then spotted the large banner hanging from the ceiling. "Have a Spook-tacular Nightmare Night!"

“Spook-tacular?” Rainbow Dash's raised eyebrow said it all.

“Good, isn't it! Well first I was gonna go with "super-duper scary", but I didn't think it would fit. And I don't think terrortastic or frightilicious are words... although that last one does sound tasty now that I think about it... do you think it's too late to change it?”

Once again Dash's withering side-to-side head movement was thwarted.

“Pinkie, it's awesome just the way it is... Everything's really awesome.”

“Aw, thanks!”

A few moments passed. The only sound was Pinkie's continued on-the-spot hopping.

“Pinkie?”

“Yeah?”

“Um... are you gonna let me out of this?” Much as she hated to admit it, she was powerless to free herself.

The slightly twisted grin from before returned. “Of course! But first I need help with a super scary story to tell on Nightmare Night... how about the tale of... THE HORRIBLY TORTURED PONY!” She reared back, her front legs held up dramatically.

Dash rolled her eyes. She should have known that she'd have to put up with some typical Pinkie Pie insanity before being able to convince her to do anything. “Fine, run it by me.”

“Hm? I don't know all the details yet, you silly filly! But we both know how it begins! I need your help with the middle parts, because I think I know the ending: The pony can't take any more and begs me for mercy!”

“Wait, I'm that pony? You're going to...?” Dash trailed off, slightly nervous again.

Pinkie was wearing a solemn look for the first time. “You know I would never, ever hurt anypony, never mind my most awesomest ever friends.” Then she smiled wryly again. “Besides, I hardly need to! You wouldn't last ten minutes if you let me try some of the ideas I had earlier!”

Rainbow's ego instantly took over. Aspersions cast on her toughness? Rainbow Dash, the toughest, most invincible pony in all of Equestria? She wasn't going to take slander like that lying down.

“Oh, you think I would break that easily, huh?! Bring it on!” Dash's attempt to puff out her chest was somewhat diminished by her bonds, but it was close enough.

Pinkie bubbled over in excitement at her friend's acquiescence. “Ooh that sounds like a challenge! I love challenges!”

She disappeared out of view again. Dash was a little unnerved by Pinkie's tone. She sounded worryingly like she meant business. Dash had barely enough time to start having second thoughts before Pinkie reappeared, holding a misshapen pile of fabric, as well as some half-deflated balloons. Whatever it was supposed to be, the net effect was one of a brightly-coloured eyesore, even in this dim light.

“Remember this? I designed it myself!”

That was sufficient to jog her memory. It was the fashion disaster of a dress Pinkie had made Rarity stitch together, aghast the entire time, back when the fashion pony was creating them all an ensemble for the Grand Galloping Gala. It had been a humbling lesson for the other ponies, Dash recalled, in that experts in a particular field are the experts for a reason, and the best results come from them using all their skill to create a thing of beauty tailored to their customer, not from the customer insisting on controlling every fine detail. Rainbow of course had been the exception, designing something far too cool for anypony else to appreciate.

Now Pinkie was holding up what was left of her own contribution to this hideous fashion experiment. Fully half of the balloons had burst, and all of the lollipops were conspicuously absent. Dash didn't need two guesses to solve that particular mystery.

“I didn't see why everypony hated this at the time”, Pinkie began, “But I think I've got it now! See, it's very greeny-blue. And I'm super pinky-winky pink. And then there're all the different-coloured balloons. When I wear it, it's all just a... crazy clashy colour catastrophe!”

“Oh no...” Dash groaned as she realised where Pinkie was going with this.

“I know! I didn't think that was possible either to begin with! Too much colour? Are you crazy? But then I thought about it some more. I said to myself, "What would Rarity do?", and then it came to me: IDEEAAAA!! This would look simply dashing on Dashie!” She giggled.

“You can't be seriou-” was as far as Rainbow Dash was able to get before Pinkie had crossed the gap between them and, without any flair, started feeding the gods-forsaken garment over the cyan pegasus. Dash tried desperately to pull away, but the braces held her still.

Pinkie's face screwed up in concentration as she worked the fabric between the straps. Even as Dash strained to escape this humiliation, she wondered how it was even possible to put a dress on somepony tied down like she was. Of course, Pinkie wasn't the sort to let silly little things like the laws of physics get in the way of anything she considered fun.

Suddenly however, even she hit the buffers.

“Hmm! This would be a lot easier if your wings weren't in the way, Rainbow Dash!”

It had been almost involuntary; her cyan wings had spread out to make it as difficult as possible for Pinkie to continue her unwanted activities. The pink pony wandered over to the table at the side of the room, covered in cutlery and all manner of sealed confectionery items ready for the festivities to come.

She trotted back, now bearing a large cake knife. Dash tensed as she approached.

“Pinkie, what are y-”

The blade came down into the side of the dress, held a safe distance away from the pegasus by Pinkie's other front hoof. Carefully, she undid enough of the stitching to make a sufficient gap and threaded Dash's protesting wing through it. Then she moved to the other side and repeated the process, chatting idly as she did so.

“Aw, your wings are almost a perfect match for this as well! Practically the same colour! You really are dressing in sty-”

“Don't...even...say it!” Dash grunted, as she twisted fruitlessly in her tight bonds.

Pinkie just smiled even more widely, and bounced off to retrieve the last few pieces of the outfit. She applied them without mercy. A ridiculously-oversized bow tie around Dash's neck, the remaining wrinkled balloons attached to her tail. Finally, Dash could only watch as the oversized cupcake hat plopped down between her ears, her most urgent head-shaking attempt yet availing her none.

Pinkie stood back to admire her handiwork.

“Oh my- Rainbow, you look absolutely DAHling!” Pinkie simpered in her best Rarity voice.

Dash tried not to look. Instead she concentrated on flapping her wings as hard as she could, attempting to throw the dress off. It was no use, however: it had been pushed right down to the base of her feathery appendages and she couldn't get any purchase.

“Come on... stop that! Don't you want to see?”

Dash looked up to find Pinkie holding onto a large wheeled mirror that she would be prepared to testify in a court of law hadn't been in the room ten seconds ago. Her reflection stared back.

She felt her face starting to become very hot as her body withered in embarrassment. Once, she had crashed through the roof of Rarity's clothes shop into an entire week's worth of stock and had emerged looking better-dressed than this. She thanked Celestia nopony else was here to witness such an utter crime against good taste.

“Oh for... DASHIE!” Pinkie was once again wearing that I-don't-know-why-I-bother pout. “Didn't I say that pink didn't help? That's a mean trick, making your face go all pink just to ruin all my hard work! Didn't anypony teach you any manners? It's very rude tWait you can make your face change colour?!? You never told me that! Is that why your name is Rainbow? Ooh, ooh, can you try yellow for me? I did wonder if it would look better on Fluttershy! No wait, green, Green! Orange!”

Not for the first time in her life when dealing with Pinkie, the anthropomorphic version of Dash's internal monologue had ground to a halt, thrown up its forelegs, and shrugged in defeat. She simply had no idea whether the ebullient figure opposite her was serious or not.

“Pinkie, you don't really think I can-”

She was interrupted by a single loud DING from upstairs.

Pinkie leapt into the air, gave out one of her trademark deafening gasps, yelled “MY COOKIES!!” and shot out of sight.

Rainbow's mouth was still frozen open mid-sentence. She snapped it shut irritably, wondering just how much more of this madness she was going to have to endure.

Soon, Pinkie re-emerged carrying a baking tray, which she set down on the table.

“Pinkie... aren't those cupcakes?”

“Oh, did I say cookies? I'm sorry, I did mean cupcakes. It's just I keep getting distracted by this horrible daydream where I'm making cookies for a party. And I burn them!”

Silence reigned for a few seconds. Before she could stop herself, Dash replied: “That's it? Your horrible daydream is some burnt cookies?”

“Oh no- in fact they look even more delicious like that!” Pinkie licked her lips, before looking afraid. “But everypony has turned into some sort of horrible monster! Me! You! It's super scary!” She shuddered, and then turned around, busying herself putting finishing touches to the cupcakes, her back facing Dash.

The pegasus decided that this particular avenue of conversation was something of a dead end. She changed the subject.

“So, ah- what now?”

“I just wanna see if these came out alright! It's always important to sample one or two. Or five. Oh, this one is perfect! Just ideal! You've really got to try it as well, Dashie!”

She bounced back and proffered the confectionery item in front of Dash's muzzle, just inside the latter pony's peripheral vision. In the dim light Dash thought it looked like Pinkie had overdone the icing, but on reflection she doubted the party pony had any concept of such a thing.

With a small facial shrug, she bit off a mouthful. Immediately realising her mistake, she gagged and spat it out.

“Huh? Well if you didn't want it, you could have said no.” Pinkie chided, throwing the rest of the cupcake up into the air and swallowing it whole as Dash continued to splutter. “It's not as if you haven't had my cupcakes before...”

Through the haze of pain and tears, Dash watched Pinkie trot off again. That last statement may have been true, but Dash could only marvel at the fact that, no matter how many weird looks Pinkie received, no matter how many ponies recoiled in disgust, the pink pony had never quite grasped that she was likely the only living entity in the whole of Equestria who enjoyed her cupcakes best when doused in a thick layer of lava-hot chilli sauce.

Dash for her part was emphatically not a fan of heavily-spiced confectionery. Open-mouthed, wide-eyed and drooling slightly, she stared nowhere in particular as she busily constructed an elaborate mental fantasy chiefly involving her mouth and a fire hose.

A minute or so passed as Pinkie went back to her cupcakes. Dash's ridiculous hat slipped down over her eyes, but even if she'd been in a state to care, she was helpless to do anything about it. At last, however, she felt it being pulled back into position.

“Alrighty then! Ready for the next round?”

Dash looked at Pinkie, who had turned her attention to the small container she was now holding. As she pulled the lid off, Dash could see the red-hot glow of whatever was inside. She could only think of a few things that would give off that light, and every single one set her heart racing.

Pinkie reached in as Dash held her breath, and took out a single red feather.

This rather subverted the pegasus' expectations, but she wasn't ungrateful for that. It dawned on her that this was a genuine phoenix feather- one of Philomena's by the looks of things- Princess Celestia's very own pet.

“Fluttershy let me borrow this for a few days- isn't it soo pretty?” Without waiting for a reply, she moved to Dash's left. “Gotta make the most of it while I can!”

The base of anypony's leg was not something that ever contacted the ground directly; that was the job of their hooves. The seam where these two areas joined was similarly not subject to regular abuse, and therefore was not nearly as tough as a hoof. Quite the contrary, it was one of the most sensitive spots on a pony. That applied even more to a pegasus like Rainbow Dash who spent as much time as possible flying rather than walking.

She realised that this very area was where Pinkie Pie was now pointing the feather.

“Aw NO Pinkie!” Dash squeaked. “No...NO!”

The feather lurched forward and rapidly flicked back and forth against Dash's soft skin. She squealed as she pulled and thrashed at the braces, powerless to escape the onslaught. Pinkie brought the feather away just long enough to let Dash think it was over, and then started again with more wild motions against the sensitive spot on the base of her leg. Dash tried to stifle her reaction this time, but the tickling sensation was just too much. When Pinkie upped the pace even further, Dash burst out laughing and begging.

“Puh-haha, puh, puhlea-aha-se sto-ohohoh-op! Pleasepleas-ahahaha-stohohopp!!”

Pinkie paused.

She waited until the pegasus had regained her breath, and then replied in a cheery voice:

“Sorry, I didn't quite get that! What did you say?”

Dash caught wind of her tormentor's tone. It reminded her why she was subjecting herself to this in the first place.

“Uhm, nothing! I just thought you should stop, is all. Before you damage Fluttershy's feather. Yeah.”

Pinkie turned away and rolled her eyes, smiling. The Element of Bluffing this pony was not.

She walked back in front of her friend and stared pensively at the hopeless liar of a pegasus. She certainly hadn't seen Dash laugh that much since that one time Applejack hosted one of Pinkie's parties at her farm. Not content with imbibing enough apple cider to poison Twilight several times over, the farm horse then went on to insist she could still help Big Mac buck apple trees later that afternoon - with predictable results.

One thing was clear: Pinkie's cyan friend was very ticklish, and had made the mistake of trying to pretend she wasn't. Time to bring out the big guns.

She rotated the wheel on the rack, and Dash looked around nervously as she was slowly laid on her back. The hat fell off her head and dropped onto the floor noiselessly.

Small mercies.

Pinkie approached her helpless friend. The soft undersides of where Dash's forelegs joined her body were completely vulnerable. She gave Dash a wink and then plunged her front two hooves in. The bound pony reacted immediately; her body seized, and her hips thrust skyward as she shrieked with involuntary laughter. She bucked as hard as she could against the straps, but it was doubtful even Applejack would have had the necessary strength. Pinkie merely giggled and tickled her even harder. As Dash writhed, she suddenly knew with utmost certainty that she could not stand it any longer, there was no escape for her, and the only way out was...

“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, YOU WIN!”

Pinkie stopped immediately.

For a little while there was only the sound of Dash panting, her exposed chest rising and falling. Then Pinkie's face appeared in front of hers.

“I win??”

Dash's mouth was dry. She swallowed. “Yeah, Pinkie. I can't... You- you beat me. Just no more... of that. Please?”

“Aww, well since you asked so nice!”

The pegasus flopped in exhaustion as Pinkie went around her, systematically undoing all the straps. This was so unfair. Why did she have to be so ticklish?

“You know Dash, I thought you would have lasted longer”, Pinkie said, now loosening the bonds around Dash's hind legs. “I only got to try a bit of dressing up and some tickling? Bor-ing!”

Dash's ego had taken a pounding this evening, but that grated. Her mouth was still glowing, after all.

“Hey it wasn't just those two things! What about that cupcake?”

Pinkie paused and stared blankly back. “Huh? The cupcake? That wasn't a part of this, silly! It was yummy! What was wrong with it?” She blinked.

“Never mind.”

“Alrighty then!” She finished setting her friend free and then helped her to her hooves.

Dash immediately started pulling off the vile dress she was still mostly wearing. Pinkie watched with a slight touch of sadness in her face.

“And you looked so nice, Dashie...”

Dumping the last piece of fabric off to one side, Dash opened her mouth to respond. Then she stopped, her eyes centring in her head as a dark look made its way onto her face. Without a change in expression, she reached back and pulled the lollipop off her flank with a sound like separating velcro. She made to throw it away, but there was a pink blur and suddenly she was no longer holding it.

“Oh WOW Dashie! I knew there was one missing! I thought it had fallen off somewhere! I love the fruity ones!”

“Wait Pinkie, you're not actually going to-” Dash brought a hoof to her face as her unfinished question became a redundant one.

“Mmm!” Pinkie intoned as she flicked the sweet end of the lollipop around in her mouth with her tongue. “There's a slight Dash of Rainbow on this as well!” She giggled, and then offered the slobber-covered item to her friend. “You're not bad. Wanna try some?”

“I'll pass.”

“Your loss!” She crunched up the rest of the treat and then put the stick down. “Actually, that reminds me... your forfeit!”

“My what?”

Pinkie approached her cyan friend. “Your forfeit! Because I beat you, remember? You have to do whatever I ask!”

Her face was very close to Rainbow's now. Dash could smell the sweet citrus on her breath.

“Wh-what do you have in mind?” She stammered.

“You have to... help me make more cupcakes!” The pink pony started jumping on the spot in excitement again.

Dash laughed. Typical Pinkie. She would go with the request that was at once both weird and mundane.

“Oh yeah, you need to help me come up with some more super-scary pranks as well! It's not long before Nightmare Night and I haven't been able to think of many- I've just been soo busy!”

Dash had already had an idea for a "prank" in the last ten minutes, but since it involved Pinkie and several hundred volts of natural electricity, she was going to keep that one close to her chest.

“I don't know Pinkie; it'll be hard to beat the one you just did... You scared me. Just a little.” She admitted. “If you'd actually been serious...” she trailed off and shook her head, some of the fear from before returning. Then, slowly, her mouth started to twist into a grin.

“Waitaminute... Twilight will read anything you leave lying around in her library, right?”

“Uhuh.” Pinkie's muffled response came through the cupcake she was now eating.

“You said you needed a scary story! Well I've got one! There a pen and paper lying around somewhere?”

“Mmhmm!” Pinkie gestured for Dash to follow her. She trotted alongside, chuckling slightly. This was gonna be so awesome.

Making more cupcakes with Pinkie could wait.

Rainbow Dash had a friend to prank.