Chapter 1: Our Asses Will Be Pie
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The Orville: First Impressions

Chapter 1: Our Asses Will Be Pie

The U.S.S. Orville was a standard Exploratory-A-class cruiser, a mid-level ship by Planetary Union standards with a crew of three-hundred. It looked sleek sitting between Equestria and the moon, sunlight catching the hull just enough to make it shine against the backdrop of space. There was always just a little bit of relief and excitement every crew felt when returning to their ship; it was very much like coming home. Even the cloud of debris surrounding the ship couldn't dampen that spirit.

The shuttle flight back to the Orville was mostly silent. As the shuttle headed towards the aft hangar and passed through the Orville's quantum rings, Gordon commented on how the damage to the lower ring was mostly repaired, but no one else said a word. In fact, not another word was spoken until the shuttle touched down in the hangar and they disembarked. Once again, it was Gordon to break the silence.

"Pheeeewww... dodged a bullet on that one, am I right?"

"Gordon-" Both Kelly and Ed were about to simultaneously chastise him, but it was actually LaMarr that beat them both to the point.

"Really? Really? We're in it up to *here*, basically pissed off an entire planet and you think we've dodged a bullet?"

Gordon made a wide, defensive shrug. "I'm not saying we're fully in the clear! I'm just saying that we're GOING TO BE. Eventually."

"Yes, but what WE are saying, Gordon, is that we are FAR from being in the clear. We're on ice so thin we can see piranha swimming underneath it," Kelly said.

"And the piranha have tiny bibs and are branding steak knives," Ed added. "Just like in Spy Fox."

"We all saw what she did to that pie. WITH her mind," LaMarr said, looking at each of them. "We miss up again and our asses are going to be that pie."

"No one's ass is going to be pie," Ed cut in. "We're just gonna get through this one night and then we'll put this system and all ass-pie related matters behind us."

Gordon rubbed his neck, knowing that some of those memories were actually fuzzy for a few of them. They departed the hangar, each of them going to their respective areas of the ship. With the ship locked in an orbital course, the helmsman had a couple hours before he'd be needed on the bridge again, so he grabbed a nap and a quick meal. He even had some pie from the synthesizer, because why not?

LaMarr kept his eyes mostly on the floor on his way back to the engine room. Once he was there, he took over supervising the repairs and even other duties. It wasn't known to many, but John LaMarr didn't actually have a lot of self-confidence. He was good with the ladies, friendly around people but when it came to his duties, he pushed himself, he second-guessed himself and was often more nervous than he needed to be. The sound of the metal pie tin crumpling like a soda can occupied the back of his mind, rushing to the front on occasion when something similar sounded was heard. Engineering sections were not quiet places, either.

Ed and Kelly returned to the bridge together. "Hey Bortus."

"Captain Mercer, Commander Grayson," the Moclan greeted them both with a slight bow of the head. "I trust your meeting with the planetary sovereign went well."

"Not as well as it could have gone."

"Ed got hit with a pie," Kelly chimed in. "Almost two pies."

"Yeah, so it's almost like we were treated for lunch," Ed said, taking his seat. Both he and Kelly took to their respective command chairs on the Orville's bridge. Bortus took his usual position, monitoring the incoming sensor data and other vital information for the ship.

"Sir, we are receiving a priority hail," Isaac, the ship's Kaylon science officer said. "It is from Admiral Halsey."

"Ah, good," Ed said, a bit relieved. "Put it through, Isaac."

"More good news, I hope," Kelly commented.

The appearance of the Admiral appeared on the ship's viewscreen at the front of the bridge. Admiral Halsey sat in a chair on a much larger bridge compared to the Orville, that of the USS Leviathan, his flagship. Unlike Ed's ship, there were three command chairs on the Leviathan, a necessity for a Union heavy cruiser.

"Ed, I just received your report."

"Uhm, yes sir, we're uh, staying in the Equestrian system a bit longer than expected to help out with some local trouble. Trouble that uh, we inadvertently caused," Ed explained.

"I understand, Ed," the admiral said, leaning forward. The older purple-uniformed officer was known for his compassion as much for his seasoned record. "You're clear to spend as much time as the princesses need. I'm not going to mince words, but Equestria is an important planet and we'd like for it to join the Union formally fairly soon."

Kelly nodded. "Yes sir, we're doing our very best to make sure they know that. We haven't exactly made the best first impressions, but we have the opportunity to fix that."

"Yes, we will make sure Equestria knows how much we value them and how much we want them as part of the Union. Part of the team, sir. And we're going to show them that with teamwork," Ed said confidently. He was very good at letting his crew bolster his own confidence, something a good captain could do. They were all part of a team.

Halsey nodded, leading forward. "I know how it can be with new planets. And besides, if we didn't have faith in you, you wouldn't be out here. But that's not the only reason I hailed you."

Ed and Kelly exchanged a concerned glance. "What is it, sir?"

The admiral looked straight at them. "We've had reports of increased Krill activity in that sector." Upon the uttering of the word "Krill", everyone on the bridge turned to the screen slowly. It was like a wave of concern crept from the viewscreen to turn every chair, ear and eye to the speaker.

Officially, the Planetary Union and the Krill were not at war. Nor was any faction, including the Equestrians, at war with the Krill, though it would make little difference if the Krill ever encountered them. If found, the Krill would do what they do with any other form of non-Krill life: they would destroy them. Because of their religion, the Krill believed that other species had no souls and were unworthy of life. As commanded by their god Avis, the Krill killed other higher lifeforms on sight in an effort to cleanse the galaxy. This put them at odds with all other forms of life, including some plants.

This was a stark contrast to the Planetary Union, which observed the rights of even artificial lifeforms like the Kaylon. The official policy of the Union was to avoid the Krill if possible, though sometimes it was not always an option.

"We've had no sighting of the Krill so far," Kelly explained. "But we only just arrived in this system a few days ago."

"Wasn't Admiral Mitchell's ship the last to come through here?" Ed asked.

"Admiral Mitchell is dead."

"Oh... shit."

Silence hit the bridge like a meteor. "How is that possible?" Kelly asked.

Halsey looked at them both grimly. "The U.S.S. Forthright was destroyed two days ago. She was ambushed en route to Outpost 42. She went down with all hands from what we can tell. Must've been a dozen ships, maybe more."

"Outpost 42's not far from Equestria," Ed commented.

"Exactly. We sent patrols to that sector to check for survivors, but we didn't find anything... and the Krill were long gone," Halsey said, voice sounding somewhere between frustrated and exhausted. "We're not sure what they're doing there but we can't afford to give up Equestria."

"We understand, admiral. We'll prove that it's worth it to be in the Union to Equestria before we're done here," Ed said, determined.

Kelly looked to Ed for a moment, then at the viewscreen. "Are we going to be getting any backup in case the Krill show up?"

"That is a good question."

"The Orville is not combat ready," Kelly asserted, and everyone on the ship would have happily backed her up. There was no danger of the ship breaking apart from its damage, but it wasn't in any condition to fight off dangerous threats to the Union, the Krill being at the top of that list.

Halsey seemed to pause, as if considering multiple options. "We're working on getting more support out there. After the task force is done investigating, they can escort you in for repairs. It shouldn't be longer than two days."

"Glad we're not trying to order a pizza out here," Gordon said. The otherwise-silence from the information was palpable; they could be dead long before help arrived. "But nah, we're just trying to survive. If we were just waiting for pizza, I'm sure it'd be here in twenty-minutes or less."

"Do whatever you can to protect yourselves. But we need Equestria in the Union."

"Understood, admiral. We'll get it done."

"Good luck, Ed. Halsey out." The viewscreen returned to the starscape. It was a full minute before anyone said anything.

"This isn't going to be easy," Kelly said.

Ed nodded, rubbing the underside of his chin with both thumbs. "Yeah. We're alone, the closest planet doesn't like us and the Krill might be coming. Easy would be, uh, if all of those things were the opposite of what they are. Instead of easy, we're screwed."

"Have the Equestrians been informed of the Krill threat?" Bortus asked.

"Probably from Admiral Mitchell when he was here," Kelly said. Upon the mention of the lost admiral's name, another wave of scared silence overtook the crew. "But actually, that's a pretty good idea."

"What is?" Ed asked.

"We could tell the Equestrians we're willing to protect them from the Krill. The ponies aren't spacefaring yet, they might accept support if they know how dangerous the Krill are," Kelly explained.

"You're forgetting the blue one can control the moon. I'm guessing there's more than one of them that could probably kill us with their minds so, maybe they don't exactly need a bodyguard," Gordon pointed out.

"But they might appreciate a head's up," Ed countered.

Gordon spun around in his chair again. "They probably would've appreciated a head's up before we got here," he muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"We'll tell them either way," Ed said, getting up. "Right, so Kelly and I are going to check in with Equestria's chief of security and then we'll begin our guard duty. Bortus has the bridge while we're gone."

Bortus nodded. The Moclan was just slightly more on edge than normal, eyes slightly wider. It was important to make a good impression on the Equestrians, but this meant the ship would be in his hands if the Krill showed up. Kelly and Ed departed the bridge and Bortus turned back to the starfield. The hangover still panged his knees, as was part of the Moclan biology, but he ignored the pain. There was something more important to focus on and more than their lives depended on it.

Princess Luna did not waste time on fixing the damage to Equestria's moon. Using her magic, she even was able to transport some of her pony followers into orbit to assist. But she didn't teleport them into space; she sent them directly to the Orville itself.

"Bridge to Captain Mercer."

Ed and Kelly were almost to the shuttle bay when they heard the announcement. "Isaac? What's wrong, we're almost to the shuttle bay."

"Equestria's chief of security wants to speak with you. Immediately."

The two exchanged a confused glance. "Tell him we're on our way to see him now, we can't go any faster than this," Ed said.

"I believe you misunderstand, captain. You cannot depart to see him at this time."

"Why not?"

"Because he is here."

The shuttle bay doors opened to reveal the entire bay was full of ponies. Uniformed unicorns, pegasi and armed earth ponies were assembled in rows, forcing the Orville's crewmen back to the walls. They all wore a similar uniform with the symbol of the Element of Magic emblazoned on the front. Some were inspecting the lights and the shuttles, others were questioning the crew.

"What the hell is this?" Ed asked. "Is this an occupation?"

"Stop." A white stallion unicorn held out a hoof. "By orders of the Duke of Ponyville, there are to be no unauthorized departures from this vessel."

"But- you can't!"

"Sir, sir, excuse me, but we have to repair our ship. The Krill-"

The stallion did not move. "Stand back. I won't tell you again. Any departures from this shuttle bay will have to be authorized by the duke himself, no exceptions. You are a security risk."

"That's not right, this is a Union starship," Kelly protested.

Ed motioned to her to calm down. He shared her sentiment, however. "Can we at least speak to the... the duke, please?"

The white stallion said nothing. Very quickly, the ponies formed rows, standing at attention. There was another bright flash and a new figure arrived in the Orville's hanger bay. Only he wasn't a pony.

A human roughly five and a half feet tall walked down the deck to Ed and Kelly, barely taking notice of anything else. The man wore ceremonial-looking armor of some kind, purple, gold and black with a purple cape. In the center of his armor was a plain black chestpiece with the word JERK labeled on it in bold, white letters.

"So which one of you would like to be most responsible?" Dan asked.

Kelly and Ed exchanged another confused glance. "Uh..."

"We were under the impression that..."

"You're the Duke of Ponyville?" Ed asked.

"I am," Dan asked. "I am the Duke of Ponyville, Duke of Jerks and minister of security to the kingdom. I answer to PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle, who answers to her majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna."

"I wasn't aware there were other humans on Equestria," Kelly said.

Dan nodded. "Myself and Justices Wright, Redfield and Rogers are among the only humans on the entire planet."

"I se-"

"Because you guys tend to be ass clowns."

"I-"

"Total ass clowns," Dan said, silencing them both. "And you wasted no time demonstrated your ass clownishness when you first got here. So, for the record, I advised against giving you and your glass slipper of a ship a second chance."

Ed and Kelly both waited to see if it was okay to talk. "We... understand, your highness. We appreciate the second chance from Princess Luna. And we hope to regain your trust."

Dan paused for a moment, then laughed. "HAHAHAHA... ha ha ha ha... oh, you're actually serious? HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHA... oh goodness, oh that's rich. That's really rich, Failmily Space Guy."

"Sir," Kelly stepped forward. A blue barrier immediately separated her from Dan, produced by two of the ponies flanking him. Several stallions drew their weapons and were aiming them at both Ed and Kelly. Taking the message, the commander took a step back, but continued speaking.

"I'm sorry, your highness. We all are for what happened and we can't change things. But the Planetary Union, the entire crew of the Orville is willing to work around the clock to make things right. We will make this up to you," Kelly asserted. "You have our promise."

Dan nodded. "Noble. But again, you're convincing Princess Luna, not me. Whatever they decide, Ponyville remains independent and under my jurisdiction. You'll be patrolling Canterlot anyway. Your debriefing is in the shuttle. Any questions or concerns will be handled by the duchess, my wife."

So, did that mean they were in the clear? Were they finally okay to start making it up to the Equestrians? And now that they knew, were there any other humans somewhere on the planet? Too many questions, not enough answers. Dan turned around and the ponies closed ranks, blocking them from his path.

"Uh, is there anything specific we should know?" Kelly asked over the stallion's heads.

Dan turned. "To be honest... yes. We've had trouble with some... scientist-types, lately. A few months ago, we almost lost everything and we're still recovering from that. You're not the only group of space clowns to show up on our doorstep unannounced."

If there was anything else they wanted to ask, it stayed embedded in the captain and commander's throats. Dan got to the end of the formation and disappeared in a flash of light, to where, none of them knew. The rest of the ponies remained in the hangar, watching the crew. They were still there when Commander Grayson and Captain Mercer boarded their shuttle and departed the Orville.

Author's Note

The white stallion is Aegis Ally, making a cameo appearance. Other background royal guard ponies making an appearance include Support NPC Pony and Friendly Fire.