The Mane Six were gathered in the farm house of Sweet Apple Acres, huddled in a circle at the center of the large building. Twilight Sparkle had contacted her five best friends for an emergency meeting. "Thank you all for coming," she said in a low voice, as though anypony outside could be listening even though she had secured and checked the building five times already while waiting for her friends to arrive.
"And thanks for being so specific, Twilight," Applejack drawled sarcastically, rolling her eyes. She was frustrated that her friend wouldn't tell them any information until they had all gathered. "Y'all know I got apples to buck, right?"
"Shut the fuck up," whispered Fluttershy. "Twilight has something important to say."
"Well it had better be important!" Rarity cut in, flipping her mane over her shoulder. "I was in the middle of a terrific design session."
Twilight waved her hooves in the air. "Okay, everypony calm down! I just wanted all of you to be here before I to--"
"Wait a second!" interrupted Rainbow Dash, prompting a frustrated sigh from Twilight. "Can I go home and grab a snack? I just finished practicing with the Wonderbolts."
"Rainbow Dash?" said Twilight. Rainbow turned to her with a smile and tilted her head questioningly. "SHUT THE HELL UP SO I CAN TALK, YOU FUCKER!" The pegasus's eyes widened, and she stopped flying, landed on the ground and turning her head away. Twilight waited in case there were any more interruptions, but it seemed that all was finally calm.
"Thank you. Now as I was as--"
"Oooooh, can you hold that thought, Twilight?" Pinkie said. "I didn't use the restroom before I came because I was in such a rush!"
Twilight pulled out a gun and shot Pinkie through the heart, killing her instantly. Then she gasped, realizing what she had done. She dropped the weapons and raised her hooves innocently. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
Fluttershy shrugged. "Never liked her anyway." The rest of the group nodded in agreement, Applejack even spitting on Pinkie's corpse as they chattered. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.
"Now everypony, you have to keep this a secret." Twilight brought a hoof to her lips, and the other four ponies around her nodded. "There have been rumours going around saying Princess Celestia has been murdered," she said. There was a collective gasp around the room. "And they also say that Princess Luna disappeared on the same night Celestia was murdered!"
"Wait a second," said Rainbow Dash. "It sounds like... Princess Luna killed Celestia."
There was a sarcastic clap from Twilight, followed by an eye roll from every other pony in the room. "Congratulations. You're a genius, Rainbow Dash," said Twilight, facehoofing.
The rainbow-maned pegasus puffed out her chest proudly. "I know, but you can praise me later. We should probably get back to how Luna killed Celestia." Somepony cuffed her around the back of the head. "Hey, what was that for?" she complained.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Fluttershy.
"Yeah. Fuck you, Rainbow Dash," said Applejack. She turned her head back to Twilight. "Anyway, what were you saying, sugarcube?"
The purple unicorn opened her mouth to speak, then raised her ears. "Did any of you just hear that?" All five ponies listened closely. There was somepony outside cursing so loudly that they could be heard through the window.
"Ah hear 'em!" said Applejack. "Sounds like..." Her eyes lit up.
"Princess Luna!" The group all said simultaneously. Without wasting another second, they all barreled outside to see the commotion. The sight that greeted them was very unique. Indeed, it was Princess Luna. She was inside the pig pen, stomping and kicking them.
"Fuck you all!" screeched Luna. "I'll cut off all your dicks and feed them to the guards!"
"Fuck that noise," shouted Applejack, tackling the Lunar Princess to the mud and slamming a hoof in her face. The two scrambled around for a moment, but to everypony's surprise, it was Applejack who ended up on top, pressing her hoof against Luna's chest.
"We surrender!" said Luna, holding her hooves up.
Twilight walked into the pigpen, cursing as she realized her hooves were now dirty. She kicked Luna's soft belly in retaliation, winding her immediately. She gasped for breath, holding her hooves in front of herself protectively.
"Ow, fuck!" she shouted once she had her breath back.
"What did you do to Celestia!?" demanded Twilight, looking Luna directly in the eyes. She searched, but she didn't find anything in Luna's gaze.
"What dost thou meaneth?" said Luna. Twilight took out her gun and shot Luna's front hoof. Luna screamed in agony as the bullet pierced through, lodging itself in the ground. "Why the fuck did thou do that!?" she yelled.
Twilight stared at her intensely. "I don't have time for games, Luna! Equestria is falling apart. Tell me why you killed Celestia!" Once those words came out of her mouth, Twilight saw Luna's eyes widen at the accusation.
"YOU WANT THE TRUTH?" YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" screamed Luna. "But I'll tell you bitches. Gather around, my little ponies." She beckoned the other ponies forward, who shrugged and sat down in the dirty pen. "First of all, I did kill Celestia," confessed Luna. "AND I'D DO IT AGAIN!" Everypony gasped, even Pinkie Pie from beyond the grave.
"But why?" whispered Twilight.
"YOU FUCKING STUPID PURPLE PIECE OF SHIT, I WAS GETTING TO THAT. DON'T INTERRUPT, YOU FUCKING NERDY ASS VIRGIN BOOKFUCKER!"
"Okay, go on," said Twilight.
"I was playing Super Smash Sisters with Celestia. We liked to do that sometimes at night when nopony else was watching," explained Luna. "She'd never won before. It was always me, winning so badly that sometimes it made me moist down there. Anyway, she beat me this time. But she didn't beat me fairly. SHE HAD ITEMS ON."
Twilight gasped. "Fuck Princess Celestia! That's cheating!"
Luna nodded. "You understand. I knew you would. You were always smarter than my sister, even as a filly."
Twilight blushed at the praise. She turned to all her friends. "Well everypony, our job here is done!" she exclaimed, firing multiple shots from her gun in the air in celebration.
"Woohoo!" cried the other four ponies as they headed back to their respective homes.
Princess Luna returned to Canterlot, and everypony lived happily ever after.
Author's Note
hi everypony, im so sorry I havent been posting recently :( school has started again and multiplication is petty dificult 
but i am learning and that is what matters!
