My Little Punniesby AstralMouseChapters29. Just duet!2. Flier trouble3. Spaghetti and memories6. I need a drink8. It's not in a bottle10. The Great and Powerful Trixie!11. Big snek12. A Flim Flam funny13. Guards on duty, in doody14. Nopony knows about his nose16. Lyre17. Hooves. Derpy Hooves.19. Hooves. Derpy Hooves. Part 321. Baby Button24. Poker ace25. Duck bills26. Yaks best at politics27. But why's the rum gone?28. Animal cleaner30. Go away, mom1. Necronomicon4. Nightmare's moon5. CMC7. Confirmed canon9. Hardhat area15. How to parachute18. Hooves. Derpy Hooves. Part 220. Exploding blue stars22. Red as a rose23. Making music together29. Just duet!"Where are they?" Starlight Glimmer says to nopony in particular. She's waiting anxiously backstage for Applejack and Big Mac to show up to sing a duet about friendship in front of the entire school. A month ago, Applejack had come to her with the idea, and Starlight made all the preparations, from decorations to the scheduling nightmare that was finding a good time slot that wouldn't interfere with other teachers' plans. She paces nervously as the full auditorium seems to become restless. Suddenly Apple Bloom bursts through the door and runs toward Starlight. Her mood lifts as she sees the filly, expecting her two siblings to be following, but then it quickly sours again as she notices Apple Bloom's apprehension. "Starlight!" the filly calls as she trots hurriedly over, "Ah'm sorry, but Applejack and Big Mac can't make it." Starlight scowls, then forces a more pleasant expression. "Okay... why not?" she asks through gritted teeth behind her fake smile. "They're real sorry and all, but last night while they were practicin', they started ta argue about who could sing better, and they just kept singin' louder and louder until they couldn't no more. So, the reason they can't make it is-" Apple Bloom says, but is cut off by the guidance counselor. "Oh... hoarse Apples." 2. Flier troubleRoseluck, Lily Valley, and Daisy hum happily as they nail up fliers advertising their flower stand. "Hey, what the-" Daisy says as a nail and flier both fall to the ground. "What is it, Daisy?" Lily asks. "When I nailed it to this beam, the nail just, like, popped out!" Daisy complains. She tries again, hammering the nail through the hole in the paper and deep into the wood. This time, her two friends are there to see the nail slowly slide out and fall to the grass. "Okay, what gives?" Roseluck asks nopony in particular. An old stallion sitting in a rocking chair nearby notices their struggle. "Whatcha got there, young fillies?" he asks. "We're, like, trying to advertise our flower stand," Daisy says. "Oh, sorry. You can't post those fliers there," he says. "What? But there are others hanging here," she says with a little impatient hoof stomp. "Yeah, but that there is made of yew," he replies. "Me?" she asks. "No," he says with a short laugh. "Yew is a type of wood. You can't hang those up there." "But they stayed up just fine everywhere else!" Roseluck says. "Right," he says. "But only yew can prevent florist fliers." 3. Spaghetti and memories"Alright, everypony," Applejack says, "get ready for a trip down memory lane." She presses a button to start a loud, whirring projector, pointed at a large screen. The Apple family sit together, eating Granny Smith's famous spaghetti. "Aww, lookit Apple Bloom, ain't she a cutie?" Granny Smith says with a smile as the jumpy, colorless video shows a month-old foal struggling to walk and repeatedly falling over. Apple Bloom blushes and looks away, focusing on her food. The delicious noodles are soon gone, and she frowns. She's still hungry and no longer has food to keep her distracted from the humiliating show. "Applejack," the filly says, "can I have more spaghetti?" "In a minute, Apple Bloom. Pa's about to play with ya," Applejack replies, not taking her eyes off the screen. "But I'm still hungry," Apple Bloom says with a whine. "Ah said no. Now, be patient, you can have more after this is over. Yer stomach ain't more important than family," Applejack says. "Applejack," Apple Bloom says, annoyed. "Pa's passed. Pause the past to pass the pasta." 6. I need a drink"Berry Punch, hi!" the friendly bank employee says. "Hey, Moneybag, I need a loan," Berry Punch says. "Sure, how much do you need?" Moneybag asks. "Five bits," is her reply. "...Five bits? You do realize that most loans are in the thousands, right?" he says incredulously. "Look, just give me the bits," she says impatiently. "Very well, I suppose it's not technically against protocol..." After some paperwork, Moneybag retrieves a small roll of 5 bits from behind the counter and gives it to her. "Finally," she says. Later, at the cider bar, she is sitting at a table contemplating her bits, the five coins spread around on the table. She wants to buy a drink, but then her money would be gone. Another mare approaches the sad-looking Berry Punch. "Hey, mind if I sit here?" asks a minty green unicorn. It's Lyra Heartstrings. "Okay," Berry Punch says sadly. "What's got ya down, Berry? Wanna talk about it? I'll buy ya a drink," Lyra offers with a smile. "Sure," Berry Punch says with a small smile as her mood lifts. "It beats drinking a loan." 8. It's not in a bottle"Professor Rarity!" Sandbar calls after the white unicorn. She turns around and smiles. "Sandbar, darling, what do you need?" she asks. "I need help with a personal project, and it's really important!" he says. "I just need some model glue, and I heard you might have some." "Why, of course, dear. I use the stuff all the time in my designs. Come on, follow me to my boutique!" she says. As they walk, she becomes curious. "So, tell me about this project." "Oh, it's a birthday present for a friend, Chill Wind, in Vanhoover. He's been trying to get into this boating school. Like, it's his passion, you know? I can't help him get in, so I figured I'd do the next best thing and send the school to him!" Sandbar says with an excited smile. "Ooh, you mean a miniature of the school itself?" Rarity asks. Sandbar nods. "I do love a good miniature. How do you know him?" "Well, my family lived in Vanhoover for a while before we moved to Ponyville. He was my best friend in school there. And he was really cool. Like, he even wore sunglasses and went 'eyyy' all the time, you know?" Sandbar smiles at the memory. At the boutique, Rarity lends him the model glue and wishes him luck. A couple days later, she sees an interesting short article in the school's weekly newsletter. Friendship School friend ships cool friend ship school. 10. The Great and Powerful Trixie!"Hey, Starlight," Twilight says, trotting into the castle library. "Hi, Twilight," the unicorn replies, looking up from her book. "Reading, huh? What kind of book is it?" Twilight asks curiously. "Oh, it's great. It's about this tannish grayish foal who uses her superpowers to defeat Ponseidon, the mythical alicorn of the ocean. But because he's stronger than her, she has to outsmart him! She's really devious. Reminds me of a young me, really," Starlight says. "Huh, I don't think I've read that one. What's it called?" Twilight asks. Starlight's answer confuses Twilight. "But Trixie is blue, not tan or gray," Twilight says. "That doesn't make any sense." "Who said anything about Trixie?" Starlight asks, confused. Twilight's expression becomes extremely suspicious. "Can you show me the title?" "Sure," Starlight says, flipping the book over. "Seriously? Where am I even getting these books from?!" Twilight nearly shouts. "The Gray Tan Power Foal Tricks Sea?" Author's Note Woo, up to 10 now. I wanna make this Twilight misunderstanding a book title thing a running gag. Maybe every 5th entry. Also, I want to try to update with several at a time, since they're so short. Maybe 2 or 3 at a time. Might depend on how often I come back to do more. I'm super glad you all like them so far. You masochists, you. 11. Big snek"Hey, Fluttershy, I'm here to pick up Tank's food. Whoa, that's a big snake!" Rainbow Dash said, impressed. In a large glass tank, there was a huge snake. "Oh, hi, Rainbow! Yeah, he's a viper. One whole meter long. Sorry, but Tank's food will have to wait just a moment while I make this big guy sneeze. Poor thing got a piece of glitter stuck in his nostril after Pinkie Pie threw him a party, and it has to come out," Fluttershy said. "Ooh, I don't think I've seen a snake sneeze before! How do you do it?" Rainbow asked curiously. "Well, I mix some water with black pepper and just trickle it down the side of his tank, like so," Fluttershy said as she grabbed an eye dropper. She gently lifted the lid of the tank and squeezed a few drops out against the glass, where the peppery water ran down the side, leaving a streak of small black specks in its wake. "Now the smell should entice him to come over and lick it, making him sneeze out the piece of glitter!" The snake turned its head and flicked out its tongue, tasting the air. It slithered over to the edge of the tank. "Oh! He's going for it," Rainbow said, suddenly very excited. Both ponies leaned forward in anticipation. And then... The meter viper licked a speck of trickled pepper. 12. A Flim Flam funny"So, how long have you two been publishing the Guileful Gazette?" the reporter asks. "Probably about six-" Flim starts. "-and a half-" Flam interrupts. "-months," Flim finishes. "I see. And what prompted you two to save the missing cyclists?" the reporter questions. "Well, we knew the area," Flim says. "And we had some fancy new bicycles for sale," Flam adds. "So we saw a chance to make a sale and get some good publici- I mean karma," Flim says. "Right. And you missed your weekly 'Risktaker's Riot' event at your casino for it?" the reporter asks, jotting down notes. "A real shame, that," Flam says. "Yes, and it's our most profitable event, too!" Flim complains. "Between our casino and our tabloid, we're barely even making a profit!" Flam says, dramatically throwing a leg across his forehead. "Ah huh... Well, thank you for the interview, fellas. Your story will be in the Manehattan Herald tomorrow morning," the reporter says before leaving the hucksters in their office. The next morning, Flim brings the paper in. "Here it is, brother," he tells Flam. "Ah, great, no such thing as bad publicity," Flam says, rubbing his hooves together. "Especially when it's good publicity! Shall I read it?" Flim asks. Flam nods excitedly, and his brother begins with the article's title. "Misleading writers lead missing riders, miss leading rioters." 13. Guards on duty, in doody"You lost your saddle?" Ironshod asks. "Um... kind of?" Sad Sack replies. "Well, keep looking! We can't be late reporting to the captain." The two royal guards search for the missing equipment, with no luck. "Oh, I am gonna be in so much trouble," laments Sad Sack. "Yeah, well, I'm not gonna be late with my report again. I'll go deliver it while you keep looking. It probably fell in the water or something." Ironshod leaves his partner and travels along the stream, going with the gentle flow of the water. Eventually he reaches the captain's campground and finds his tent. "Captain Shining Armor, sir! This is Private Ironshod, here to deliver my report," he announces at the entrance. "Come in," comes the captain's voice from inside. Ironshod enters the tent and salutes stiffly. "Nothing to report from the North, sir," he says. "Good. And your partner, Sad Sack. Where is he?" Shining Armor asks suspiciously. "Well, sir, he appears to be, uh..." Ironshod says hesitantly, not eager to get his partner (and thus himself) in trouble. "Up the creek without a saddle." 14. Nopony knows about his nose"Next," I say as a stallion steps up to my window. "How can I help you, sir?" He sniffles and says "Hi there-" sniff "-I have trouble with my-" sniff "-sinuses. I need something-" sniff "-to let ponies know not to-" sniff "-smoke pipes or light incense near my house." He sniffs once more. I sigh and assign a sinus sign. 16. Lyre"I have the same weird dream every night, Princess," Bon Bon says worriedly. Princess Luna nods. "Tell me what happens in this dream." "Well, it's about my best friend, Lyra. Well, not her directly. Her cutie mark is a lyre, see, and I keep dreaming about a lot of them dancing around all fancy-like. But the weird thing is they're all doing it on the strings of this really huge lyre." Princess Luna widens her eyes slightly. "Are you saying that..." Bon Bon nods solemnly and finishes the sentence for her. "Lyra's lyres prance on wires." 17. Hooves. Derpy Hooves."Okay, Doctor. I'm in," Derpy Hooves said overtly into the fancy cuff covering her fetlock. With a small crackle, a smooth masculine voice came through her earpiece. "Good job. As you know, this is the castle of the infamous black market salt lick baron, Salty Saddle. Be careful around him, as he is known for being a tad... temperamental. I suggest you mingle with the other party guests while you find a way to covertly enter his private office," he said in a distinct Bitish accent. "Copy that, Doctor," Derpy said far too loud into her cuff again. She straightened out her elegant dress and stepped into the main ballroom that was holding the extravagant party. Champagne glasses clinked and ponies chattered merrily as violinists softly played soft, slow music. "Hi everypony!" she announced to the room. Ponies went silent and the music stopped as they all stared at her. She waved at them and smiled. After an awkward moment, the music began again and the rich ponies went back to their conversations. Derpy walked among the other guests, bumping into them as she passed by. "Oops. Sorry. Pardon me. 'Scuse me," she said as she bumbled about. Spotting a bathroom, she hurried toward it and inside, locking the door behind her. Opposite the door was a window large enough for her to fit through. After cautiously opening the window, she silently pulled herself through it, and promptly fell face-first into the snow below the windowsill. "Okay, Doctor, I'm in the courtyard now," she wheezed into her fetlock microphone before picking herself up. "Great work. Now see if you can't get a view from higher up. Salty Saddle's office will be somewhere on the top floor," the Doctor said. Derpy looked around and saw a high wall with a lone guard patrolling it. She reached into a pocket of her dress and removed a long, thin wooden tube. Golden eyes narrowed in focus, she placed one end of the tube into her mouth and aimed it just ahead of the guard. With a strong blow of air, the stallion on the wall was soon clutching at the back of his neck before slumping forward. He would be out for about an hour, plenty of time for Derpy to complete the objective. She spread her wings, and... The ritzy ditzy spy mare went up the wall to scout. 19. Hooves. Derpy Hooves. Part 3Derpy awoke, ropes around her hooves, tied to a table. "Ugh... my head..." she said. "Finally awake, are you?" Salty Saddle said, adding a distinctly evil laugh afterward. "You'll never get away with this!" Derpy exclaimed. "Oh, but I already have, my dear," he said, again laughing evilly. He produced a golden gun from his jacket. "For, you see, this gun I have here, as outlined in my evil plans, fires mane-seeking bullets! And the only thing that can stop it, once fired, is clouds!" He cackled as if his plan was flawless, but Derpy was already formulating her own plans. "You mean like that cloud right behind you?" Derpy asked. Salty Saddle quickly turned around, looking for the cloud. "What? Where? I don't see any clouds! Given your utterly hopeless situation, you have no reason to lie to me, so I must assume there is really a cloud here. Now, where could it be? If I were a cloud, where would I be hiding? Hmm..." In the time it took him to speak, Derpy had used her steel-like jaws to chew through the ropes binding her hooves. She grabbed the 'Evil Plans' envelope conveniently sitting on a nearby table and made her escape. Salty Saddle turned around just as she was going out the door. "No!" he yelled. Giving chase, he followed her up the stairs to the roof of his evil castle, and saw her flying away. Derpy could see the clouds she had rode in on. If she could reach them, she knew she would be safe. She flapped her wings harder. "You're not getting away that easily, Derpy Hoooooooves!" yelled Salty Saddle. She was so close. Just a little more... Out came the gun and fired upon her mane. But the ritzy ditzy spy mare was in the clouds again. 21. Baby Button"He's beautiful," Cream Heart says, holding her newborn colt. "My little Button Mash." "Yes indeed, and he seems to be in perfect health," Nurse Redheart says warmly. Cream Heart's nose twitches as she picks up an unexpected smell. It's sweet and pleasant, like flowers in a candy shop. She notices it's coming from her baby colt, specifically his breath. "That's odd," she says, prompting the nurse to turn her attention toward the mother. "Does their breath always smell sweet like this?" "Oh yes, every newborn foal smells nice. Surprisingly, pretty much everything that comes out of them does. Not so surprisingly, it goes away as they get older," the nurse explains. Cream Heart's lips form a warm smile under her tired eyes. "So," she says, "in a sense, innocence is inner scents." 24. Poker aceLuna looks at her cards, confident she has the winning hoof. She narrows her eyes. It all comes down to this moment. Can Celestia have her beat? Nah, she must be bluffing. It's time to put her to the test. "I bet the moon," Luna says. "Interesting..." Celestia says, then smirks confidently. "I raise the sun." 25. Duck billsTwilight walks out of her guest room in the castle of the Crystal Empire. Shining Armor is sitting in a chair, reading a book spread out on a table in front of him. She makes a conscious effort to ignore the fact that he's reading a book. Yep, the book doesn't matter to her. Not at all. And she can prove it. "Book morning," she says. "Good. I mean good morning." See? She has herself under control. "Morning, Twilight," he says. "Wow, this book sure is interesting." Horseapples. "Great," she says. "I believe you. In fact, you don't even have to tell me the title and I'll still believe you! Please don't tell me the title." "Duck Bills?" he says with a head tilt. "What's wrong with that?" "No! Agh. It's happening again!" she says, rubbing her head with a hoof. "Twi, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" he asks, worried. "What's wrong is that I know that book has nothing to do with ducks or their beaks," she growls. "Well, of course not." Shining Armor's confusion builds. "And I know it's just going to be something completely different. Like walking out on the check at a restaurant. Wait! That's it, isn't it? Duck bills. Like, avoid paying. Ha! In your face!" she says with a proud smirk. "What? No. Twilight, you're really worrying me. It's just a training manual." This erases her smirk and her expression sours. "I don't know if I even want to know," she says. Her brother doesn't seem to notice and explains. "It's about fighting against polearms and getting underneath them to get in close. It's got some stuff about halberds and spears, but its main focus is on how to-" Twilight sighs, turning it into a growl, cutting her brother off, and finishes his sentence without bothering to even ask to see the title. "Duck Bills." Author's Note Hope this one makes sense. As someone with a passing interest in medieval weaponry and combat, however, I had to write it. Yay, 25! Halfway to 50! 26. Yaks best at politicsPinkie Pie marvels at the huge number of yaks. Vast herds of them are headbutting, wrestling, yelling insults, and just being all around rowdy. "Wow! I never knew yak politics were so interesting!" Pinkie says. "Oh yes, yaks best at politics. Pony politics boring," Prince Rutherford replies. "I guess I can see that," she concedes. "Why are they all fighting, though? Well, not like fighting fighting, but competing I guess." "It tradition. Yaks compete, see who more serious about leading discussion. Yakyakistan win two years in a row now. We propose ideas, other tribes vote on them. This year very important, so we bring angriest yaks in whole city. Usually worse temper make them fight harder," Rutherford explains. "Oooh, so what you're saying is..." Pinkie Pie says, smiling at Rutherford. "The surly herd sets the terms!" 27. But why's the rum gone?Berry Punch reaches into her liquor cabinet and finds the rum. "Yeah, this new drink I made is gonna knock your socks off. If you were wearing them, I mean. It's weird but you'll love it," she tells her friend Cherry Berry. She shakes the rum bottle, noticing it's a little low, barely enough to make the drinks she plans to. "Dang, the rum's almost gone. No problem though, I have a whole tub of it I can refill the bottle from." "Dang, BP, you really go through that stuff fast," Cherry Berry says. Berry Punch places the bottle under a tap and pulls a lever, only for a small dribble and puff of air to come out. Cherry Berry raises an eyebrow as her statement is proven even further. Berry Punch growls. "No! Why is the rum gone?" she says, annoyed. "Now I have to make more." "Well, at least there's enough for your weird new drink, right?" Cherry Berry says in an effort to be reassuring. "Yeah, I guess so. Just one pitcher, though. Guess I should get started. I like to call it the Sodden Sod. Cause the main ingredient is lawn clippings," Berry Punch says. "Then I'll start making my next batch of rum. Don't wanna have to rely on storebought stuff forever." "Lawn? Like, from your front yard? So you're telling me you're gonna-" Cherry Berry starts, only for Berry Punch to nod and cut her off as she heads toward her front door. "It's time to pick grass and brew a tub of rum, cause I'm all out of rum." 28. Animal cleanerThe Manehattan veterinary hospital was the largest in all of Equestria. One pony, a particularly cowardly sort named Bright Hide, worked in the ward that specialized in cleaning animals. They had large stables, pens, and plenty of hoses, washcloths, and soap. The wards were kept separate and were named after different animal sounds. For some reason, his was named after a crow's caw. Animals who did not need immediate care in the Meow Ward would often come to his ward for general bathing or scrubbing before being sent to the kennel or stable where they would be staying. One crazy day, they had a dairy farmer bring in over a hundred cows from his farm for vaccinations and general checkups. Of course this meant Bright Hide had to clean all of them. They arrived covered head to tail in grime and mud, as if they had all rolled around in a rain-soaked field of mud. And to make matters more difficult, the bovines were all scared, as if they rarely interacted with ponies. Most of them tried to hide in a corner of the stall as he cleaned them. It wasn't pretty, and it was one of the most demanding days he had ever had while working there, but he had a job to do. Caw Ward's coward scoured cowered cow herds. 30. Go away, momTwilight Sparkle sits on a too-small chair at her old desk, in her old room, reading a book. "What are you reading?" Twilight Velvet asks her daughter. Seeing her sitting in her room brings a smile to the mature mare's face as fond memories of late nights spent helping her study come back to her. Her daughter's answer surprises her, twisting her smile into a perplexed expression. "Uh, sure, sweetheart. I can leave if you want." "What? No, you can stay. I like having you around," Twilight Sparkle says. "Okay, but... I thought you told me, to go away, is all." "No, that's just what the book is called. It's the one that taught me directions when I was a filly. It's about a mare who is indecisive about where to go, and her daughter just keeps telling her to pick any direction," the alicorn tells her mother. "You don't remember it?" "Can't say that I do. Can I see the cover?" "Sure," Twilight Sparkle says, pausing for a moment as she realizes something. "Huh... so this is what it's like being on this side." "Side? Of what, dear?" Twilight Velvet asks. "Oh, nothing. Here's the cover." "Go A Way, Mom." Author's Note This one wasn't particularly clever, but hopefully the wholesome cuteness of imagining a tiny Twilight reading about directions makes up for it. Also, apologies for lack of updates for a bit there, I really got into some other stuff that stole my attention. Hope you've enjoyed these last 5, including a different Twilight misunderstanding a book title. 1. Necronomicon"What are you reading there, Fluttershy?" Twilight asks her buttery yellow friend. Fluttershy answers, making the alicorn do a double take. "You're reading about summoning eldritch horrors? I gotta say, I didn't expect you to be into that sort of thing," Twilight says, hiding her excitement. "Oh my, no. It's a story about a pony who broke out of jail and drowned in a river," the pegasus says with a smile. "Really? That's... even more surprising. In a few ways, actually. That's not a bit too dark for your tastes?" Twilight asks with a tilt of her head. "Oh, that's not why I'm reading it. It has a really interesting bit about the life cycle of a rare kind of fish. They lay eggs in the bodies of dead animals - or ponies in this case - and the eggs eat it from the inside out. When they found his body, his neck was full of them. Isn't nature just fascinating?" Fluttershy asks with a warm smile. Twilight's expression and mood both sour. "Wait, but what does that have to do with-" Twilight begins, then changes her mind and rewords her question. "Can I see the book title?" "Sure!" Fluttershy says, turning it toward Twilight, who reads it aloud. "Neck Roe Nom A Con." 4. Nightmare's moonOn the summer solstice of the thousandth year after Nightmare Moon was banished to the moon, a mare of the Royal Guard, is patrolling the walls of Canterlot Castle. She hears a loud evil cackle from above her. "Muahahaha, after a thousand years, my time for revenge has finally come!" It's Nightmare Moon! The legendary Mare in the Moon herself! The guardsmare readies her spear. "You! Nightmare Moon! You won't get away with this!" she yells up to the villain. Not being a unicorn or pegasus, there is nothing she can do, however. Nightmare Moon looks down at the fearless pony in surprise, then smiles and sticks her tongue out, blowing her a raspberry. Then she turns around and mockingly wiggles her rear at the powerless guardsmare. With a frustrated growl, the guard turns around and presents her own armored rear in defiance, smacking it with a hoof. Somewhere below the castle wall, there's a flash and the distinctive sound of a camera shutter. She looks down, unable to see anypony, and when she looks back up, Nightmare Moon is gone. Oh no... The next morning, she collects her daily newspaper and lifts a hoof to her face as she sees her rump, cutie mark clearly visible, wagging up at Nightmare Moon. Then she reads the headline. Nightmare Moon's back! Moons mare knight. Knight mare moons back. 5. CMCTwilight yawns as she steps into her library. It's a nice day to do some studying and- She lets out a surprised yelp as she sees something she does not expect. Pinkie Pie is sitting on the floor just inside the main entrance, reading a book. "Pinkie!" Twilight says, annoyed. "You scared me! What are you doing here so early?" Pinkie looks up, her eyes bloodshot. "Early? It's not early, silly filly. In fact, it's probably getting pretty late," she says, punctuating the last word with a yawn. "No, Pinkie. It's just after sunrise," Twilight says. She looks down at the book spread open in front of Pinkie. "Were you up all night reading? And why are you lying in the doorway?" "Really?! All night? I guess I'm the silly filly," she says with a giggle that turns into another yawn. "I was just looking up ways to make business more efficient for the Cakes so they'd have more time for the twins, and after reading a couple books, I found this one. I figured a couple pages right before I leave wouldn't hurt, and, oopsies, I guess I'm almost done with it, huh?" "What book is it that kept you up all night?" Twilight asks. Pinkie's answer doesn't make sense. "Somepony wrote a book about the Cutie Mark Crusaders? And I had it in my library?" Twilight asks with a scrunch of her face. "No, silly filly! Hehe, I guess we're both silly fillies now. It's about the ponies who help ponies that paint lines on the floors in shops, showing where customers have to stand in line! You wouldn't believe how interesting it is!" Pinkie says. Twilight narrows her eyes. "Pinkie... Can I see the cover?" "Sure," the pink mare says cheerfully and flips the book over. "Oh, come on! Really?" Twilight says, smacking her face with a hoof. "The Queue Demark Crew's Aiders?" Author's Note Well, this is stupid, I can't deny that. But I love thinking up things like this. I'd like to add more over time as I think of them, but for now have these 5. I hope you enjoy the cheese. 7. Confirmed canon"Applejack!" Pinkie shouts excitedly. "You gotta see this!" Applejack stops mid-buck, leaning forward on her forehooves next to an apple tree. "Huh?" she wonders. Pinkie Pie is rolling a strange cannon up the hill. When she reaches Applejack, she stops, panting. "Beggin' yer pardon, Pinkie, but just what in the hay is that thing?" Applejack asks. Pinkie finishes catching her breath and answers. "This, my dear Applejack, is my newest invention! It's based on my party cannon design! I'll show you what it can do." The pink mare makes a show of picking up a can of beans and placing it in the barrel. She swivels it to point it at the apple tree and pulls a cord hanging from the back. Boom! It fires the tin can at the tree, causing it to explode, spraying an annoyed Applejack with beans. "Now, just what in tarnation-" she begins, but is cut off. "That's not all it can do! Watch!" Pinkie says. With impressive speed, she scoops up a few hooffuls of beans from the tree, the ground, and Applejack's face, and loads them directly into the barrel. She produces an empty tin can, its lid open. She pulls out a stick of gum and chews it for all of two seconds before sticking it to the tree, then sticks the bottom of the empty can to it. Aiming the cannon again, she pulls the cord a second time. Boom! It fires the lump of beans at the can. They somehow all hurtle directly inside, closing and sealing the lid behind them. "How did..." Applejack starts, but trails off. "Isn't it great? And best of all, it's gonna be official lore!" Pinkie says. Applejack has no idea what she is talking about. A week later, as she is perusing a catalog, Applejack sees a very familiar item listed. She reads the description out loud to herself. "Uncanny canon cannin' cannon can can 'n' uncan." 9. Hardhat areaThe Great and Powerful Trixie focuses inwardly, feeling her magic building inside her, ready to be channeled through her horn. "Teleportation spell... go!" she says under her breath. There is a flash and she disappears from her wagon and reappears just above a large round vat, falling into its contents with a soft splat, her hooves sinking into it slightly. "Ewww," she says, but keeps quiet when she hears voices below. "Yeah, this here is the cob we're gonna use to build it. It has to dry for about eight more hours, with frequent mixing, before we can start," says a stallion's voice. Trixie approaches the edge, noting that the slimy stuff she is walking through feels like wet clay and straw. Two ponies are below her, wearing yellow hardhats. "Alright, boss, I'll give it a good mix right now," one stallion says to the other and starts turning to climb a ladder up to the side of the vat. Uh oh. Trixie panics. She tries to focus on her teleportation spell, but she can't get it to work. "Teleportation spell go. Teleportation spell go! Teleportation spell GO!" she cries desperately. "Hey! Who's up there?" the stallion says. She can hear him climbing faster. Her spell fails her and she is left awkwardly standing in the construction material. The stallion peeks his head over the side and sees her. "Hey, you! Get outta there!" "What's the problem, Brick?" the stallion on the ground calls up. "Well, boss, there's a, uh," Brick says, looking at Trixie, "unicorn on the cob." 15. How to parachute"Hey, Rarity. Reading a book, I see," Twilight says. "What's it about?" Rarity smiles and answers. Twilight instantly narrows her eyes. "Ah ha! I'm not falling for that again. I know you have no interest in parachuting. Let's see... You like fashion! I bet it's actually about how to pair a shoe! Yeah. Hahahaheheee," she cackles maniacally. "You books think you can trick me again? Well, not this time!" "Darling, what ever are you on about? It's a cookbook," Rarity says, concerned. "A cookbook," Twilight states flatly. She can sense it's about to happen again. "Yeah, it's about cutting down things like celery and asparagus to make a more attractive dish! I'll definitely be trying this out next time I cook for Sweetie Belle," Rarity says. Twilight sighs, resigned to her fate. "Can I see the cover?" "Of course, darling," Rarity says, flipping over the book. Twilight physically cringes as she reads the title. "How to pare a shoot." Author's Note Hey, I made it to 15! And another misunderstood book title. Hope you all enjoy and groan along with Twilight. And hopefully the facehoofing hasn't caused bruising! 18. Hooves. Derpy Hooves. Part 2"I see his office," Derpy said. The unconscious guard was snoozing next to her. "Excellent," the Doctor said. "It will be heavily guarded from the outside. See if you can access it from a ventilation shaft or perhaps cause a distraction to make the guards leave their posts. You may need to knock one out and use his hoof on the hoofprint scanner outside to-" "I'm in," Derpy said, cutting him off. "Great wickering stallions, how did you do that?" "I flew up and opened the window," she replied simply. "O-oh. Right. Well, the document you're looking for will be in a manila envelope labelled 'Evil Plans'. Let me know when you find it." Derpy crept up to the villain's large mahogany desk and saw a large envelope sitting conveniently in the middle of it. She reached a hoof out to grab it, when suddenly there was a low, gravelly voice from directly in front of her. "I've been expecting you... Derpy Hooves!" said the voice as the desk's chair slowly swivelled around. "Salty Saddle!" Derpy exclaimed. She grabbed the envelope with large red letters on the front saying 'Evil Plans' and tried to escape. Unfortunately, she clumsily fell over as she turned around, and the stallion was standing over her, holding a wooden cane. Down came the cane and knocked the spy mare out. 20. Exploding blue stars"Hey, Rainbow," Twilight says cheerfully. "Which Daring Do book is that?" "It's not a Daring Do book. Sheesh, Twilight, I do have interests besides Daring Do," Rainbow Dash replies. "Could've fooled me," Twilight says with a snarky grin. Rainbow gives her an unamused scowl. "So, what is it?" "It's called 'Exploding Blue Stars' and I can't believe how much it happens!" Rainbow says, burying her face in between the pages, as if being closer to the words will make her read them harder. "I... seriously doubt you are that into astronomy," the alicorn says, resigned to the inevitable. The book title would not really be what she thought she heard. "So, what is it about?" "Well, you're right, because that science-y word you said sounds boring. This is about famous ponies whose fame made them all sad and depressed and stuff, and then they had a total meltdown! Yelling, throwing things, eating grass clippings. It's totally crazy!" Rainbow says with a laugh. "Okay, let's just get this over with. Let me see the cover," Twilight deadpans. "Ugh. I already told you the title. Whatever," Rainbow says and shows her friend the cover. "See?" "But that doesn't make any sense! What does that have to do with... oh... wait," Twilight says and rereads the title. "Exploding Blue Stars." Author's Note 20! 20 puns! Ah, ah, ah. Took me some thinking to write that Derpy spy trilogy. Hope you all liked it. 22. Red as a roseAzalea, Great Laurel, and Labrador Tea are outside, playing among their family's rhododendron garden. The three colorful sisters chase each other about, laughing. Labrador and Azalea stop as they reach the goose pen, surveying a disastrous scene before them. The geese are all fine, except for one. Kept separate from the others is the oldest of them, covered from bill to tail in red paint. Nearby is a long splash of it covering the ground where somepony had hurled a bucketful into the pen. The goose honks weakly, struggling with the sticky substance matting its once-gray feathers. "What happened here?!" Azalea shouts. Labrador Tea, the oldest of the fillies, thinks she knows. "I bet it was those derned Roses playin' another prank on us," she says, eyes narrowed. "They always did play dirty." Just then, Great Laurel catches up behind them. "What's goin' on he- aaah!" she shrieks. "Don't worry, Laurel, it's just paint," Azalea says. "Azalea and I will stay here and look for clues and keep watch," Labrador Tea says to Laurel. "W-what should I do?" she asks. "Go tell Aunt Rhody that the old gray goose is... red." 23. Making music togetherOctavia is panicking. "How can they ask us to play an unrehearsed duet? Unrehearsed, Vinyl!" she says. "Whoa there, take a chill pill. Well, don't actually take one of those pills from the bag that says 'chill pills' on it. What I mean is, relax. We got this. We play together all the time at home," Vinyl Scratch says, giving her friend a reassuring smile. "At home, yes. This is completely different. Now there's a bloody audience!" Octavia says shrilly. "I can't handle this." "Hey. Listen to me," Vinyl Scratch says, grabbing her friend's shoulders. She lifts up her glasses and forces eye contact with the nervous mare. "I have a plan. Just play slow and sadlike. Whatever your heart desires, as long as it's emotional. I'll be the dissonant upbeat and excited counterpart to whatever you play. That way, you can just play what you want, and I'll handle the harder improvising. How's that sound?" Octavia's rapid breaths slow down just a bit. "I... I think I can do that. Yes. I'll just... close my eyes and pretend they don't exist. And... play like we do at home. And you're sure you can follow along?" "Heck yeah, I got this," Vinyl says. "Just remember the plan." Octavia nods. "Right, I think I've got it." Vinyl smiles and reiterates, just to be certain. "I'm wubber, you're blue. Whatever you play, bounce it off of me and I'll stick to you."
29. Just duet!"Where are they?" Starlight Glimmer says to nopony in particular. She's waiting anxiously backstage for Applejack and Big Mac to show up to sing a duet about friendship in front of the entire school. A month ago, Applejack had come to her with the idea, and Starlight made all the preparations, from decorations to the scheduling nightmare that was finding a good time slot that wouldn't interfere with other teachers' plans. She paces nervously as the full auditorium seems to become restless. Suddenly Apple Bloom bursts through the door and runs toward Starlight. Her mood lifts as she sees the filly, expecting her two siblings to be following, but then it quickly sours again as she notices Apple Bloom's apprehension. "Starlight!" the filly calls as she trots hurriedly over, "Ah'm sorry, but Applejack and Big Mac can't make it." Starlight scowls, then forces a more pleasant expression. "Okay... why not?" she asks through gritted teeth behind her fake smile. "They're real sorry and all, but last night while they were practicin', they started ta argue about who could sing better, and they just kept singin' louder and louder until they couldn't no more. So, the reason they can't make it is-" Apple Bloom says, but is cut off by the guidance counselor. "Oh... hoarse Apples."
2. Flier troubleRoseluck, Lily Valley, and Daisy hum happily as they nail up fliers advertising their flower stand. "Hey, what the-" Daisy says as a nail and flier both fall to the ground. "What is it, Daisy?" Lily asks. "When I nailed it to this beam, the nail just, like, popped out!" Daisy complains. She tries again, hammering the nail through the hole in the paper and deep into the wood. This time, her two friends are there to see the nail slowly slide out and fall to the grass. "Okay, what gives?" Roseluck asks nopony in particular. An old stallion sitting in a rocking chair nearby notices their struggle. "Whatcha got there, young fillies?" he asks. "We're, like, trying to advertise our flower stand," Daisy says. "Oh, sorry. You can't post those fliers there," he says. "What? But there are others hanging here," she says with a little impatient hoof stomp. "Yeah, but that there is made of yew," he replies. "Me?" she asks. "No," he says with a short laugh. "Yew is a type of wood. You can't hang those up there." "But they stayed up just fine everywhere else!" Roseluck says. "Right," he says. "But only yew can prevent florist fliers."
3. Spaghetti and memories"Alright, everypony," Applejack says, "get ready for a trip down memory lane." She presses a button to start a loud, whirring projector, pointed at a large screen. The Apple family sit together, eating Granny Smith's famous spaghetti. "Aww, lookit Apple Bloom, ain't she a cutie?" Granny Smith says with a smile as the jumpy, colorless video shows a month-old foal struggling to walk and repeatedly falling over. Apple Bloom blushes and looks away, focusing on her food. The delicious noodles are soon gone, and she frowns. She's still hungry and no longer has food to keep her distracted from the humiliating show. "Applejack," the filly says, "can I have more spaghetti?" "In a minute, Apple Bloom. Pa's about to play with ya," Applejack replies, not taking her eyes off the screen. "But I'm still hungry," Apple Bloom says with a whine. "Ah said no. Now, be patient, you can have more after this is over. Yer stomach ain't more important than family," Applejack says. "Applejack," Apple Bloom says, annoyed. "Pa's passed. Pause the past to pass the pasta."
6. I need a drink"Berry Punch, hi!" the friendly bank employee says. "Hey, Moneybag, I need a loan," Berry Punch says. "Sure, how much do you need?" Moneybag asks. "Five bits," is her reply. "...Five bits? You do realize that most loans are in the thousands, right?" he says incredulously. "Look, just give me the bits," she says impatiently. "Very well, I suppose it's not technically against protocol..." After some paperwork, Moneybag retrieves a small roll of 5 bits from behind the counter and gives it to her. "Finally," she says. Later, at the cider bar, she is sitting at a table contemplating her bits, the five coins spread around on the table. She wants to buy a drink, but then her money would be gone. Another mare approaches the sad-looking Berry Punch. "Hey, mind if I sit here?" asks a minty green unicorn. It's Lyra Heartstrings. "Okay," Berry Punch says sadly. "What's got ya down, Berry? Wanna talk about it? I'll buy ya a drink," Lyra offers with a smile. "Sure," Berry Punch says with a small smile as her mood lifts. "It beats drinking a loan."
8. It's not in a bottle"Professor Rarity!" Sandbar calls after the white unicorn. She turns around and smiles. "Sandbar, darling, what do you need?" she asks. "I need help with a personal project, and it's really important!" he says. "I just need some model glue, and I heard you might have some." "Why, of course, dear. I use the stuff all the time in my designs. Come on, follow me to my boutique!" she says. As they walk, she becomes curious. "So, tell me about this project." "Oh, it's a birthday present for a friend, Chill Wind, in Vanhoover. He's been trying to get into this boating school. Like, it's his passion, you know? I can't help him get in, so I figured I'd do the next best thing and send the school to him!" Sandbar says with an excited smile. "Ooh, you mean a miniature of the school itself?" Rarity asks. Sandbar nods. "I do love a good miniature. How do you know him?" "Well, my family lived in Vanhoover for a while before we moved to Ponyville. He was my best friend in school there. And he was really cool. Like, he even wore sunglasses and went 'eyyy' all the time, you know?" Sandbar smiles at the memory. At the boutique, Rarity lends him the model glue and wishes him luck. A couple days later, she sees an interesting short article in the school's weekly newsletter. Friendship School friend ships cool friend ship school.
10. The Great and Powerful Trixie!"Hey, Starlight," Twilight says, trotting into the castle library. "Hi, Twilight," the unicorn replies, looking up from her book. "Reading, huh? What kind of book is it?" Twilight asks curiously. "Oh, it's great. It's about this tannish grayish foal who uses her superpowers to defeat Ponseidon, the mythical alicorn of the ocean. But because he's stronger than her, she has to outsmart him! She's really devious. Reminds me of a young me, really," Starlight says. "Huh, I don't think I've read that one. What's it called?" Twilight asks. Starlight's answer confuses Twilight. "But Trixie is blue, not tan or gray," Twilight says. "That doesn't make any sense." "Who said anything about Trixie?" Starlight asks, confused. Twilight's expression becomes extremely suspicious. "Can you show me the title?" "Sure," Starlight says, flipping the book over. "Seriously? Where am I even getting these books from?!" Twilight nearly shouts. "The Gray Tan Power Foal Tricks Sea?" Author's Note Woo, up to 10 now. I wanna make this Twilight misunderstanding a book title thing a running gag. Maybe every 5th entry. Also, I want to try to update with several at a time, since they're so short. Maybe 2 or 3 at a time. Might depend on how often I come back to do more. I'm super glad you all like them so far. You masochists, you.
11. Big snek"Hey, Fluttershy, I'm here to pick up Tank's food. Whoa, that's a big snake!" Rainbow Dash said, impressed. In a large glass tank, there was a huge snake. "Oh, hi, Rainbow! Yeah, he's a viper. One whole meter long. Sorry, but Tank's food will have to wait just a moment while I make this big guy sneeze. Poor thing got a piece of glitter stuck in his nostril after Pinkie Pie threw him a party, and it has to come out," Fluttershy said. "Ooh, I don't think I've seen a snake sneeze before! How do you do it?" Rainbow asked curiously. "Well, I mix some water with black pepper and just trickle it down the side of his tank, like so," Fluttershy said as she grabbed an eye dropper. She gently lifted the lid of the tank and squeezed a few drops out against the glass, where the peppery water ran down the side, leaving a streak of small black specks in its wake. "Now the smell should entice him to come over and lick it, making him sneeze out the piece of glitter!" The snake turned its head and flicked out its tongue, tasting the air. It slithered over to the edge of the tank. "Oh! He's going for it," Rainbow said, suddenly very excited. Both ponies leaned forward in anticipation. And then... The meter viper licked a speck of trickled pepper.
12. A Flim Flam funny"So, how long have you two been publishing the Guileful Gazette?" the reporter asks. "Probably about six-" Flim starts. "-and a half-" Flam interrupts. "-months," Flim finishes. "I see. And what prompted you two to save the missing cyclists?" the reporter questions. "Well, we knew the area," Flim says. "And we had some fancy new bicycles for sale," Flam adds. "So we saw a chance to make a sale and get some good publici- I mean karma," Flim says. "Right. And you missed your weekly 'Risktaker's Riot' event at your casino for it?" the reporter asks, jotting down notes. "A real shame, that," Flam says. "Yes, and it's our most profitable event, too!" Flim complains. "Between our casino and our tabloid, we're barely even making a profit!" Flam says, dramatically throwing a leg across his forehead. "Ah huh... Well, thank you for the interview, fellas. Your story will be in the Manehattan Herald tomorrow morning," the reporter says before leaving the hucksters in their office. The next morning, Flim brings the paper in. "Here it is, brother," he tells Flam. "Ah, great, no such thing as bad publicity," Flam says, rubbing his hooves together. "Especially when it's good publicity! Shall I read it?" Flim asks. Flam nods excitedly, and his brother begins with the article's title. "Misleading writers lead missing riders, miss leading rioters."
13. Guards on duty, in doody"You lost your saddle?" Ironshod asks. "Um... kind of?" Sad Sack replies. "Well, keep looking! We can't be late reporting to the captain." The two royal guards search for the missing equipment, with no luck. "Oh, I am gonna be in so much trouble," laments Sad Sack. "Yeah, well, I'm not gonna be late with my report again. I'll go deliver it while you keep looking. It probably fell in the water or something." Ironshod leaves his partner and travels along the stream, going with the gentle flow of the water. Eventually he reaches the captain's campground and finds his tent. "Captain Shining Armor, sir! This is Private Ironshod, here to deliver my report," he announces at the entrance. "Come in," comes the captain's voice from inside. Ironshod enters the tent and salutes stiffly. "Nothing to report from the North, sir," he says. "Good. And your partner, Sad Sack. Where is he?" Shining Armor asks suspiciously. "Well, sir, he appears to be, uh..." Ironshod says hesitantly, not eager to get his partner (and thus himself) in trouble. "Up the creek without a saddle."
14. Nopony knows about his nose"Next," I say as a stallion steps up to my window. "How can I help you, sir?" He sniffles and says "Hi there-" sniff "-I have trouble with my-" sniff "-sinuses. I need something-" sniff "-to let ponies know not to-" sniff "-smoke pipes or light incense near my house." He sniffs once more. I sigh and assign a sinus sign.
16. Lyre"I have the same weird dream every night, Princess," Bon Bon says worriedly. Princess Luna nods. "Tell me what happens in this dream." "Well, it's about my best friend, Lyra. Well, not her directly. Her cutie mark is a lyre, see, and I keep dreaming about a lot of them dancing around all fancy-like. But the weird thing is they're all doing it on the strings of this really huge lyre." Princess Luna widens her eyes slightly. "Are you saying that..." Bon Bon nods solemnly and finishes the sentence for her. "Lyra's lyres prance on wires."
17. Hooves. Derpy Hooves."Okay, Doctor. I'm in," Derpy Hooves said overtly into the fancy cuff covering her fetlock. With a small crackle, a smooth masculine voice came through her earpiece. "Good job. As you know, this is the castle of the infamous black market salt lick baron, Salty Saddle. Be careful around him, as he is known for being a tad... temperamental. I suggest you mingle with the other party guests while you find a way to covertly enter his private office," he said in a distinct Bitish accent. "Copy that, Doctor," Derpy said far too loud into her cuff again. She straightened out her elegant dress and stepped into the main ballroom that was holding the extravagant party. Champagne glasses clinked and ponies chattered merrily as violinists softly played soft, slow music. "Hi everypony!" she announced to the room. Ponies went silent and the music stopped as they all stared at her. She waved at them and smiled. After an awkward moment, the music began again and the rich ponies went back to their conversations. Derpy walked among the other guests, bumping into them as she passed by. "Oops. Sorry. Pardon me. 'Scuse me," she said as she bumbled about. Spotting a bathroom, she hurried toward it and inside, locking the door behind her. Opposite the door was a window large enough for her to fit through. After cautiously opening the window, she silently pulled herself through it, and promptly fell face-first into the snow below the windowsill. "Okay, Doctor, I'm in the courtyard now," she wheezed into her fetlock microphone before picking herself up. "Great work. Now see if you can't get a view from higher up. Salty Saddle's office will be somewhere on the top floor," the Doctor said. Derpy looked around and saw a high wall with a lone guard patrolling it. She reached into a pocket of her dress and removed a long, thin wooden tube. Golden eyes narrowed in focus, she placed one end of the tube into her mouth and aimed it just ahead of the guard. With a strong blow of air, the stallion on the wall was soon clutching at the back of his neck before slumping forward. He would be out for about an hour, plenty of time for Derpy to complete the objective. She spread her wings, and... The ritzy ditzy spy mare went up the wall to scout.
19. Hooves. Derpy Hooves. Part 3Derpy awoke, ropes around her hooves, tied to a table. "Ugh... my head..." she said. "Finally awake, are you?" Salty Saddle said, adding a distinctly evil laugh afterward. "You'll never get away with this!" Derpy exclaimed. "Oh, but I already have, my dear," he said, again laughing evilly. He produced a golden gun from his jacket. "For, you see, this gun I have here, as outlined in my evil plans, fires mane-seeking bullets! And the only thing that can stop it, once fired, is clouds!" He cackled as if his plan was flawless, but Derpy was already formulating her own plans. "You mean like that cloud right behind you?" Derpy asked. Salty Saddle quickly turned around, looking for the cloud. "What? Where? I don't see any clouds! Given your utterly hopeless situation, you have no reason to lie to me, so I must assume there is really a cloud here. Now, where could it be? If I were a cloud, where would I be hiding? Hmm..." In the time it took him to speak, Derpy had used her steel-like jaws to chew through the ropes binding her hooves. She grabbed the 'Evil Plans' envelope conveniently sitting on a nearby table and made her escape. Salty Saddle turned around just as she was going out the door. "No!" he yelled. Giving chase, he followed her up the stairs to the roof of his evil castle, and saw her flying away. Derpy could see the clouds she had rode in on. If she could reach them, she knew she would be safe. She flapped her wings harder. "You're not getting away that easily, Derpy Hoooooooves!" yelled Salty Saddle. She was so close. Just a little more... Out came the gun and fired upon her mane. But the ritzy ditzy spy mare was in the clouds again.
21. Baby Button"He's beautiful," Cream Heart says, holding her newborn colt. "My little Button Mash." "Yes indeed, and he seems to be in perfect health," Nurse Redheart says warmly. Cream Heart's nose twitches as she picks up an unexpected smell. It's sweet and pleasant, like flowers in a candy shop. She notices it's coming from her baby colt, specifically his breath. "That's odd," she says, prompting the nurse to turn her attention toward the mother. "Does their breath always smell sweet like this?" "Oh yes, every newborn foal smells nice. Surprisingly, pretty much everything that comes out of them does. Not so surprisingly, it goes away as they get older," the nurse explains. Cream Heart's lips form a warm smile under her tired eyes. "So," she says, "in a sense, innocence is inner scents."
24. Poker aceLuna looks at her cards, confident she has the winning hoof. She narrows her eyes. It all comes down to this moment. Can Celestia have her beat? Nah, she must be bluffing. It's time to put her to the test. "I bet the moon," Luna says. "Interesting..." Celestia says, then smirks confidently. "I raise the sun."
25. Duck billsTwilight walks out of her guest room in the castle of the Crystal Empire. Shining Armor is sitting in a chair, reading a book spread out on a table in front of him. She makes a conscious effort to ignore the fact that he's reading a book. Yep, the book doesn't matter to her. Not at all. And she can prove it. "Book morning," she says. "Good. I mean good morning." See? She has herself under control. "Morning, Twilight," he says. "Wow, this book sure is interesting." Horseapples. "Great," she says. "I believe you. In fact, you don't even have to tell me the title and I'll still believe you! Please don't tell me the title." "Duck Bills?" he says with a head tilt. "What's wrong with that?" "No! Agh. It's happening again!" she says, rubbing her head with a hoof. "Twi, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" he asks, worried. "What's wrong is that I know that book has nothing to do with ducks or their beaks," she growls. "Well, of course not." Shining Armor's confusion builds. "And I know it's just going to be something completely different. Like walking out on the check at a restaurant. Wait! That's it, isn't it? Duck bills. Like, avoid paying. Ha! In your face!" she says with a proud smirk. "What? No. Twilight, you're really worrying me. It's just a training manual." This erases her smirk and her expression sours. "I don't know if I even want to know," she says. Her brother doesn't seem to notice and explains. "It's about fighting against polearms and getting underneath them to get in close. It's got some stuff about halberds and spears, but its main focus is on how to-" Twilight sighs, turning it into a growl, cutting her brother off, and finishes his sentence without bothering to even ask to see the title. "Duck Bills." Author's Note Hope this one makes sense. As someone with a passing interest in medieval weaponry and combat, however, I had to write it. Yay, 25! Halfway to 50!
26. Yaks best at politicsPinkie Pie marvels at the huge number of yaks. Vast herds of them are headbutting, wrestling, yelling insults, and just being all around rowdy. "Wow! I never knew yak politics were so interesting!" Pinkie says. "Oh yes, yaks best at politics. Pony politics boring," Prince Rutherford replies. "I guess I can see that," she concedes. "Why are they all fighting, though? Well, not like fighting fighting, but competing I guess." "It tradition. Yaks compete, see who more serious about leading discussion. Yakyakistan win two years in a row now. We propose ideas, other tribes vote on them. This year very important, so we bring angriest yaks in whole city. Usually worse temper make them fight harder," Rutherford explains. "Oooh, so what you're saying is..." Pinkie Pie says, smiling at Rutherford. "The surly herd sets the terms!"
27. But why's the rum gone?Berry Punch reaches into her liquor cabinet and finds the rum. "Yeah, this new drink I made is gonna knock your socks off. If you were wearing them, I mean. It's weird but you'll love it," she tells her friend Cherry Berry. She shakes the rum bottle, noticing it's a little low, barely enough to make the drinks she plans to. "Dang, the rum's almost gone. No problem though, I have a whole tub of it I can refill the bottle from." "Dang, BP, you really go through that stuff fast," Cherry Berry says. Berry Punch places the bottle under a tap and pulls a lever, only for a small dribble and puff of air to come out. Cherry Berry raises an eyebrow as her statement is proven even further. Berry Punch growls. "No! Why is the rum gone?" she says, annoyed. "Now I have to make more." "Well, at least there's enough for your weird new drink, right?" Cherry Berry says in an effort to be reassuring. "Yeah, I guess so. Just one pitcher, though. Guess I should get started. I like to call it the Sodden Sod. Cause the main ingredient is lawn clippings," Berry Punch says. "Then I'll start making my next batch of rum. Don't wanna have to rely on storebought stuff forever." "Lawn? Like, from your front yard? So you're telling me you're gonna-" Cherry Berry starts, only for Berry Punch to nod and cut her off as she heads toward her front door. "It's time to pick grass and brew a tub of rum, cause I'm all out of rum."
28. Animal cleanerThe Manehattan veterinary hospital was the largest in all of Equestria. One pony, a particularly cowardly sort named Bright Hide, worked in the ward that specialized in cleaning animals. They had large stables, pens, and plenty of hoses, washcloths, and soap. The wards were kept separate and were named after different animal sounds. For some reason, his was named after a crow's caw. Animals who did not need immediate care in the Meow Ward would often come to his ward for general bathing or scrubbing before being sent to the kennel or stable where they would be staying. One crazy day, they had a dairy farmer bring in over a hundred cows from his farm for vaccinations and general checkups. Of course this meant Bright Hide had to clean all of them. They arrived covered head to tail in grime and mud, as if they had all rolled around in a rain-soaked field of mud. And to make matters more difficult, the bovines were all scared, as if they rarely interacted with ponies. Most of them tried to hide in a corner of the stall as he cleaned them. It wasn't pretty, and it was one of the most demanding days he had ever had while working there, but he had a job to do. Caw Ward's coward scoured cowered cow herds.
30. Go away, momTwilight Sparkle sits on a too-small chair at her old desk, in her old room, reading a book. "What are you reading?" Twilight Velvet asks her daughter. Seeing her sitting in her room brings a smile to the mature mare's face as fond memories of late nights spent helping her study come back to her. Her daughter's answer surprises her, twisting her smile into a perplexed expression. "Uh, sure, sweetheart. I can leave if you want." "What? No, you can stay. I like having you around," Twilight Sparkle says. "Okay, but... I thought you told me, to go away, is all." "No, that's just what the book is called. It's the one that taught me directions when I was a filly. It's about a mare who is indecisive about where to go, and her daughter just keeps telling her to pick any direction," the alicorn tells her mother. "You don't remember it?" "Can't say that I do. Can I see the cover?" "Sure," Twilight Sparkle says, pausing for a moment as she realizes something. "Huh... so this is what it's like being on this side." "Side? Of what, dear?" Twilight Velvet asks. "Oh, nothing. Here's the cover." "Go A Way, Mom." Author's Note This one wasn't particularly clever, but hopefully the wholesome cuteness of imagining a tiny Twilight reading about directions makes up for it. Also, apologies for lack of updates for a bit there, I really got into some other stuff that stole my attention. Hope you've enjoyed these last 5, including a different Twilight misunderstanding a book title.
1. Necronomicon"What are you reading there, Fluttershy?" Twilight asks her buttery yellow friend. Fluttershy answers, making the alicorn do a double take. "You're reading about summoning eldritch horrors? I gotta say, I didn't expect you to be into that sort of thing," Twilight says, hiding her excitement. "Oh my, no. It's a story about a pony who broke out of jail and drowned in a river," the pegasus says with a smile. "Really? That's... even more surprising. In a few ways, actually. That's not a bit too dark for your tastes?" Twilight asks with a tilt of her head. "Oh, that's not why I'm reading it. It has a really interesting bit about the life cycle of a rare kind of fish. They lay eggs in the bodies of dead animals - or ponies in this case - and the eggs eat it from the inside out. When they found his body, his neck was full of them. Isn't nature just fascinating?" Fluttershy asks with a warm smile. Twilight's expression and mood both sour. "Wait, but what does that have to do with-" Twilight begins, then changes her mind and rewords her question. "Can I see the book title?" "Sure!" Fluttershy says, turning it toward Twilight, who reads it aloud. "Neck Roe Nom A Con."
4. Nightmare's moonOn the summer solstice of the thousandth year after Nightmare Moon was banished to the moon, a mare of the Royal Guard, is patrolling the walls of Canterlot Castle. She hears a loud evil cackle from above her. "Muahahaha, after a thousand years, my time for revenge has finally come!" It's Nightmare Moon! The legendary Mare in the Moon herself! The guardsmare readies her spear. "You! Nightmare Moon! You won't get away with this!" she yells up to the villain. Not being a unicorn or pegasus, there is nothing she can do, however. Nightmare Moon looks down at the fearless pony in surprise, then smiles and sticks her tongue out, blowing her a raspberry. Then she turns around and mockingly wiggles her rear at the powerless guardsmare. With a frustrated growl, the guard turns around and presents her own armored rear in defiance, smacking it with a hoof. Somewhere below the castle wall, there's a flash and the distinctive sound of a camera shutter. She looks down, unable to see anypony, and when she looks back up, Nightmare Moon is gone. Oh no... The next morning, she collects her daily newspaper and lifts a hoof to her face as she sees her rump, cutie mark clearly visible, wagging up at Nightmare Moon. Then she reads the headline. Nightmare Moon's back! Moons mare knight. Knight mare moons back.
5. CMCTwilight yawns as she steps into her library. It's a nice day to do some studying and- She lets out a surprised yelp as she sees something she does not expect. Pinkie Pie is sitting on the floor just inside the main entrance, reading a book. "Pinkie!" Twilight says, annoyed. "You scared me! What are you doing here so early?" Pinkie looks up, her eyes bloodshot. "Early? It's not early, silly filly. In fact, it's probably getting pretty late," she says, punctuating the last word with a yawn. "No, Pinkie. It's just after sunrise," Twilight says. She looks down at the book spread open in front of Pinkie. "Were you up all night reading? And why are you lying in the doorway?" "Really?! All night? I guess I'm the silly filly," she says with a giggle that turns into another yawn. "I was just looking up ways to make business more efficient for the Cakes so they'd have more time for the twins, and after reading a couple books, I found this one. I figured a couple pages right before I leave wouldn't hurt, and, oopsies, I guess I'm almost done with it, huh?" "What book is it that kept you up all night?" Twilight asks. Pinkie's answer doesn't make sense. "Somepony wrote a book about the Cutie Mark Crusaders? And I had it in my library?" Twilight asks with a scrunch of her face. "No, silly filly! Hehe, I guess we're both silly fillies now. It's about the ponies who help ponies that paint lines on the floors in shops, showing where customers have to stand in line! You wouldn't believe how interesting it is!" Pinkie says. Twilight narrows her eyes. "Pinkie... Can I see the cover?" "Sure," the pink mare says cheerfully and flips the book over. "Oh, come on! Really?" Twilight says, smacking her face with a hoof. "The Queue Demark Crew's Aiders?" Author's Note Well, this is stupid, I can't deny that. But I love thinking up things like this. I'd like to add more over time as I think of them, but for now have these 5. I hope you enjoy the cheese.
7. Confirmed canon"Applejack!" Pinkie shouts excitedly. "You gotta see this!" Applejack stops mid-buck, leaning forward on her forehooves next to an apple tree. "Huh?" she wonders. Pinkie Pie is rolling a strange cannon up the hill. When she reaches Applejack, she stops, panting. "Beggin' yer pardon, Pinkie, but just what in the hay is that thing?" Applejack asks. Pinkie finishes catching her breath and answers. "This, my dear Applejack, is my newest invention! It's based on my party cannon design! I'll show you what it can do." The pink mare makes a show of picking up a can of beans and placing it in the barrel. She swivels it to point it at the apple tree and pulls a cord hanging from the back. Boom! It fires the tin can at the tree, causing it to explode, spraying an annoyed Applejack with beans. "Now, just what in tarnation-" she begins, but is cut off. "That's not all it can do! Watch!" Pinkie says. With impressive speed, she scoops up a few hooffuls of beans from the tree, the ground, and Applejack's face, and loads them directly into the barrel. She produces an empty tin can, its lid open. She pulls out a stick of gum and chews it for all of two seconds before sticking it to the tree, then sticks the bottom of the empty can to it. Aiming the cannon again, she pulls the cord a second time. Boom! It fires the lump of beans at the can. They somehow all hurtle directly inside, closing and sealing the lid behind them. "How did..." Applejack starts, but trails off. "Isn't it great? And best of all, it's gonna be official lore!" Pinkie says. Applejack has no idea what she is talking about. A week later, as she is perusing a catalog, Applejack sees a very familiar item listed. She reads the description out loud to herself. "Uncanny canon cannin' cannon can can 'n' uncan."
9. Hardhat areaThe Great and Powerful Trixie focuses inwardly, feeling her magic building inside her, ready to be channeled through her horn. "Teleportation spell... go!" she says under her breath. There is a flash and she disappears from her wagon and reappears just above a large round vat, falling into its contents with a soft splat, her hooves sinking into it slightly. "Ewww," she says, but keeps quiet when she hears voices below. "Yeah, this here is the cob we're gonna use to build it. It has to dry for about eight more hours, with frequent mixing, before we can start," says a stallion's voice. Trixie approaches the edge, noting that the slimy stuff she is walking through feels like wet clay and straw. Two ponies are below her, wearing yellow hardhats. "Alright, boss, I'll give it a good mix right now," one stallion says to the other and starts turning to climb a ladder up to the side of the vat. Uh oh. Trixie panics. She tries to focus on her teleportation spell, but she can't get it to work. "Teleportation spell go. Teleportation spell go! Teleportation spell GO!" she cries desperately. "Hey! Who's up there?" the stallion says. She can hear him climbing faster. Her spell fails her and she is left awkwardly standing in the construction material. The stallion peeks his head over the side and sees her. "Hey, you! Get outta there!" "What's the problem, Brick?" the stallion on the ground calls up. "Well, boss, there's a, uh," Brick says, looking at Trixie, "unicorn on the cob."
15. How to parachute"Hey, Rarity. Reading a book, I see," Twilight says. "What's it about?" Rarity smiles and answers. Twilight instantly narrows her eyes. "Ah ha! I'm not falling for that again. I know you have no interest in parachuting. Let's see... You like fashion! I bet it's actually about how to pair a shoe! Yeah. Hahahaheheee," she cackles maniacally. "You books think you can trick me again? Well, not this time!" "Darling, what ever are you on about? It's a cookbook," Rarity says, concerned. "A cookbook," Twilight states flatly. She can sense it's about to happen again. "Yeah, it's about cutting down things like celery and asparagus to make a more attractive dish! I'll definitely be trying this out next time I cook for Sweetie Belle," Rarity says. Twilight sighs, resigned to her fate. "Can I see the cover?" "Of course, darling," Rarity says, flipping over the book. Twilight physically cringes as she reads the title. "How to pare a shoot." Author's Note Hey, I made it to 15! And another misunderstood book title. Hope you all enjoy and groan along with Twilight. And hopefully the facehoofing hasn't caused bruising!
18. Hooves. Derpy Hooves. Part 2"I see his office," Derpy said. The unconscious guard was snoozing next to her. "Excellent," the Doctor said. "It will be heavily guarded from the outside. See if you can access it from a ventilation shaft or perhaps cause a distraction to make the guards leave their posts. You may need to knock one out and use his hoof on the hoofprint scanner outside to-" "I'm in," Derpy said, cutting him off. "Great wickering stallions, how did you do that?" "I flew up and opened the window," she replied simply. "O-oh. Right. Well, the document you're looking for will be in a manila envelope labelled 'Evil Plans'. Let me know when you find it." Derpy crept up to the villain's large mahogany desk and saw a large envelope sitting conveniently in the middle of it. She reached a hoof out to grab it, when suddenly there was a low, gravelly voice from directly in front of her. "I've been expecting you... Derpy Hooves!" said the voice as the desk's chair slowly swivelled around. "Salty Saddle!" Derpy exclaimed. She grabbed the envelope with large red letters on the front saying 'Evil Plans' and tried to escape. Unfortunately, she clumsily fell over as she turned around, and the stallion was standing over her, holding a wooden cane. Down came the cane and knocked the spy mare out.
20. Exploding blue stars"Hey, Rainbow," Twilight says cheerfully. "Which Daring Do book is that?" "It's not a Daring Do book. Sheesh, Twilight, I do have interests besides Daring Do," Rainbow Dash replies. "Could've fooled me," Twilight says with a snarky grin. Rainbow gives her an unamused scowl. "So, what is it?" "It's called 'Exploding Blue Stars' and I can't believe how much it happens!" Rainbow says, burying her face in between the pages, as if being closer to the words will make her read them harder. "I... seriously doubt you are that into astronomy," the alicorn says, resigned to the inevitable. The book title would not really be what she thought she heard. "So, what is it about?" "Well, you're right, because that science-y word you said sounds boring. This is about famous ponies whose fame made them all sad and depressed and stuff, and then they had a total meltdown! Yelling, throwing things, eating grass clippings. It's totally crazy!" Rainbow says with a laugh. "Okay, let's just get this over with. Let me see the cover," Twilight deadpans. "Ugh. I already told you the title. Whatever," Rainbow says and shows her friend the cover. "See?" "But that doesn't make any sense! What does that have to do with... oh... wait," Twilight says and rereads the title. "Exploding Blue Stars." Author's Note 20! 20 puns! Ah, ah, ah. Took me some thinking to write that Derpy spy trilogy. Hope you all liked it.
22. Red as a roseAzalea, Great Laurel, and Labrador Tea are outside, playing among their family's rhododendron garden. The three colorful sisters chase each other about, laughing. Labrador and Azalea stop as they reach the goose pen, surveying a disastrous scene before them. The geese are all fine, except for one. Kept separate from the others is the oldest of them, covered from bill to tail in red paint. Nearby is a long splash of it covering the ground where somepony had hurled a bucketful into the pen. The goose honks weakly, struggling with the sticky substance matting its once-gray feathers. "What happened here?!" Azalea shouts. Labrador Tea, the oldest of the fillies, thinks she knows. "I bet it was those derned Roses playin' another prank on us," she says, eyes narrowed. "They always did play dirty." Just then, Great Laurel catches up behind them. "What's goin' on he- aaah!" she shrieks. "Don't worry, Laurel, it's just paint," Azalea says. "Azalea and I will stay here and look for clues and keep watch," Labrador Tea says to Laurel. "W-what should I do?" she asks. "Go tell Aunt Rhody that the old gray goose is... red."
23. Making music togetherOctavia is panicking. "How can they ask us to play an unrehearsed duet? Unrehearsed, Vinyl!" she says. "Whoa there, take a chill pill. Well, don't actually take one of those pills from the bag that says 'chill pills' on it. What I mean is, relax. We got this. We play together all the time at home," Vinyl Scratch says, giving her friend a reassuring smile. "At home, yes. This is completely different. Now there's a bloody audience!" Octavia says shrilly. "I can't handle this." "Hey. Listen to me," Vinyl Scratch says, grabbing her friend's shoulders. She lifts up her glasses and forces eye contact with the nervous mare. "I have a plan. Just play slow and sadlike. Whatever your heart desires, as long as it's emotional. I'll be the dissonant upbeat and excited counterpart to whatever you play. That way, you can just play what you want, and I'll handle the harder improvising. How's that sound?" Octavia's rapid breaths slow down just a bit. "I... I think I can do that. Yes. I'll just... close my eyes and pretend they don't exist. And... play like we do at home. And you're sure you can follow along?" "Heck yeah, I got this," Vinyl says. "Just remember the plan." Octavia nods. "Right, I think I've got it." Vinyl smiles and reiterates, just to be certain. "I'm wubber, you're blue. Whatever you play, bounce it off of me and I'll stick to you."
