Twilight Sparkle vs Ponyville

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1652

Princess Twilight Sparkle wakes up early one morning, stretches, then decides to destroy Ponyville. As you do.

Princess Twilight Sparkle wakes up early one morning, stretches, then decides to destroy Ponyville. As you do.

Featured from Jan 12- Jan 15 '19. Mucho Gracias!

The sequel is Twilight Sparkle vs Equestria

Published 2019-01-12 11:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-12 11:30:01 UTC

Emergency! Alicorn At Four O'Clock!

Ponyville is under attack!

Run for your lives, mares and gentlecolts!

...Okay, so maybe this isn't the first time the town has been under dire threat. Or even, the second and third.

Truth be told, it's almost become an annual tradition that some unscrupulous mega-fiend would mosey in to try and conquer this seemingly insignificant hamlet.

You might think if it didn't happen this way, the local citizenry would be checking their watches and calendars, that something had gone awry with the schedule.

And even when said preening overlord invaded, with impossible plans aplenty and an e-v-i-l laugh to boot, life would quickly return to normal and the experience would later amount to a mere hoofnote in history.

Why? Well, look no further than the ongoing vigilance and tireless public service of Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends!

With the elements of Magic, Loyalty, Laughter, Genorosity, Kindness and Honesty on their side, and the more-than-adequate support of the fully reformed Starlight Glimmer and Spike The Magnificent (his humble self-chosen alias), justice shall always prevail!

The bad guys may as well pack away their twirling moustaches and top hats right now, because as long as this studious alicorn and her crew are on the case, nothing shall overcome the forces of good and righteousness!

It's an impossible task! Preposterous! It simply can't be done!

...Erm, we might have a bit of a problem on our hooves, everypony.

For look up yonder, to see the shocking identity of the latest danger to impose itself against the tranquility of this hallowed region.

Two wings. Four legs. One horn (extra long)...

...And a big egghead brain.

Yep, you guessed it. The day we all dreaded is finally here. The Worst. Possible. Thing has literally arrived on our doorstep (apart from unrequested junk mail).

It's time to start panicking everypony, this time for realsies.

For one of our own has turned against us. The mare we thought we knew, we didn't actually know that well at all. This turncoat, this wretch, this vile lavender betrayer has seen fit to lay waste to everything she helped build. And it stinks.

Why? We do not know, and quite frankly at this stage it matters not. All we can do, as we huddle in fear at the scenes of unparalleled destruction unfolding before us, is hope for a miracle. PLEASE, SOMEPONY, ANYPONY, HELP US...

"You talk too much." A ruthless Twilight snarled from the air, as she roasted the narrator with one single blast of powerful magic. "I can describe everything accurately enough without your endless wittering to distract me, thank you. Now, where was I..."

Townsponies galloping around bopping heads everywhere in abject terror? Check.

Widespread property damage? Check.

The successful subjugation of all my former friends? Check.

Cutting of all lines of communication to Canterlot and the Crystal Empire? Check.

A packed lunch consisting of cucumber sandwiches, croutons and an apple? Check, and mate.

"In fact, that reminds me..." Twilight almost kicked herself for forgetting, as her mental checklist was completed. "Sweet Apple Acres, you're the next to go! I remember the time I worked on you for a day whilst Applejack was at the spa, and it was not a pleasant experience! I was too tired to even study afterwards, and it took me all night to scrub that pig dung out of my mane! Take that!"

Not giving a hoot whether any stray Apple family members remained in the general area, Twilight simply torched the farm to the ground, outhouse and all. Then, after nonchalantly turning away from the smouldering remains, she began randomly blowing up other locales in town, which had presumably offended her delicate sensibilities in one way or another.

"Sugarcube Corner? You gave me that filling a few years ago. And I hate the dentist! It's been sweet, but you gotta go!" ZAP!

"Fluttershy's Cottage? Block me from having a decent view of The Everfree Forest from the horizon, would you? Say goodnight, you dirty animals!" BANG!!

"Rainbow Dash's Cloudominium? You're a blot on the skyscape too, when I want a panoramic perspective. Time to disappear into a puff of smoke!" SHAZAM!!!

"Carousel Boutique? You never once got my measurements right since my ascension into godhood! I'm a few inches taller now, stupid! You're out of business... for good!" BAM!!!!

"School Of Friendship? It took me months to get you started, and I'm extremely proud of all the students that've graduated from you. But, your coffee is terrible, and that's a sin I just can't forgive. Class is dismissed... forever!" BOOM!!!!

"Castle Of Friendship? ...I think i always preferred the tree. Farewell." CONFRINGO!!!!!!

Just about out of power (and punchlines) after utterly destroying her old homestead, Twilight postponed her trail of annihilation temporarily to gaze in admiration at her hoofiwork so far.

All around her, complete chaos reigned, to a degree which even Discord might've found excessive.

The countless fires and hysterical locals however, were a far cry from mere cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain. Also, for all his natural malevolence, the crafty draconequus never actually looked to disintegrate an entire town full of ponies...

...The very next item on Twilight's agenda, just as soon as she recovered her strength.

"Twilight Sparkle, stop this madness at once!" As if by magic, the majestic figure of Celestia torpedoed out of nowhere suddenly, casting a large shadow on the burning wreck of the town and giving her old student the most baleful of stares.

"What the?! Celestia... but I thought I took care of you already!" The previously unassailable Twilight raised a petulant eyebrow at the possibility of her brilliant plans hitting a slight snag.

"The jokes on you, O vile backstabber! In your shortsightedness, it was the cherry cheesecake you poisoned! Don't you know I always have a nice moist sponge on a Tuesday afternoon?! Your lack of foresight shall cost you dear, for now you shall pay for the death of my sister and... why are you crying?"

"Oh, I should've known better than try to outwit the calibre of opposition such as you." All the grandiosity and smugness had apparently left Twilight's tremor, and now she hung defeated with her head bowed low in the presence of Her Majesty. "I give up. You got me. I may not ever be able to make amends for the many atrocities I've perpetuated, but could I at least get a fair trial?"

"I promise that by surrendering now, you will be dealt with all the fairness and equality that the Equestrian legal system can muster." Celestia nodded her head brusquely, as her regal mane blew gently in the breeze. "But your multiple crimes are truly abhorrent, not to mention completely baffling. Tell me, Twilight Sparkle, what drove such a formerly respectable mare into the depths of such despicable depravity? If you can tell me this, maybe I could begin to understand your actions more."

"I-I can't say at this moment in time, it's too complicated. A-All I know is right now, I-I need a hug from an old friend. D-Do you mind? T-Then, I'll follow you anywhere. C-Could you do this small favour for me, my queen?"

"Well..." As much as Celestia would've liked to arrest and imprison the pathetically snivelling figure in front of her there and then, an old feeling of familiarity twanged an emotion inside her heart. "...Okay then. Just bear in mind that regardless of your former services to the Crown, the future punishment for you will be most severe. After all, multiple murders and wanton carnage cannot simply be remedied by a simple slap on the hoof, and... T-Twilight Sparkle, I-I don't feel so good.... AARRGH!!"

"I knew your perplexing penchant for 'mercy' would prove to be your downfall one day." Twilight sneered sadistically, as she blew up her mentor into a squillion microscopic pieces with an almighty blast at close range. "Now, who's next? Shall I start disintegrating ponies indiscriminately? Should we draw lots? Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, perhaps? Or a pop quiz... with the winner dying last? What do ya think?"

And it was as the survivors trembled together in despair and pain, as a smirking Twilight rapidly descended through plumes of smoke and decay, that the final resolution was made...

.............................................

"Okay Ms Sparkle, I think that's enough for our session today."

"Aw, no fair! Just when I thought I was starting to make some progress!" Twilight deposited the miniature figurines of herself and Celestia back into the model replica of Ponyville, to glance apprehensively at her psychologist. "You know, Leather Couch, that I could never do anything like this in real life. It's just a simple coping mechanism for cooling off, to help me with the never-ending strain of running a school full of demanding children, protecting a world which is always in peril, looking after a sarcastic dragon and dealing with the fact I've now read nearly every book in Equestria. You don't think I'm dangerous, do you?"

"No, not at all. Not at all." Leather Couch gently guided his illustrious client out of his office. "Now, why don't you trot along? We can discuss the finer points of your long-suppressed minor hostility towards others next time around. My secretary will give you your paperwork on the way out. Oh, Nail Polish..."

"Well, as long as you're sure! Till my next appointment, then..." Twilight walked past the waiting area on her way outside, as the secretary took her place in the doctor's room.

"What can I do for you, Sir?"

"Inform my employers I'd like to take my vacation time now, please."

"Certainly! How long shall I say you're going away for?"

"Forever. The market for vicious beast trainers In Tartarus is ever-expanding, after all. At my age, I could do with a safer job..."

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to comment. :scootangel: