FFDP Wrong side of heaven (It goes with this chapter.)

(warning. This deals with PTSD and attempted suicide.)

Bedding down for the night they had returned to the town. With the siege broken they took a chance to rest while some patrols and scouts had been sent out to make sure the enemy didn't attempt a surprise attack. The area was secured with ground sensors and with the fleet watching from above, ready to fire now that the enemy was no longer near the village. For some sleep came easy, for others not so much.

Gerad was one of those. He was a veteran by any standard, battle tested and scarred up not just outside but inside. He tossed and turned within his sleeping bag, whimpering softly as his mind was plagued with nightmares. What nightmares you might ask? Well let's just say that leadership is it's own burden, having to order troops into battle knowing full well that your orders will get someone killed regardless of even the best intelligence and weapons.

NCOs and officers who've experienced this turn into one of four people. The perfectionist who strives to make sure everything runs smooth, micromanaging everything. The indecisive who holds back on ordering his soldiers into combat as he tries to reduce troop and equipment loss. The Cold one who no longer cares and treats his soldiers like machines, running them into the ground. Finally the Realist. The one who knows they'll lose people but they do the best they can still knowing not everyone will come home but still treats their soldiers like family.

Gerad was a Realist. He loved his soldiers to death despite every lose hitting him in the gut like a hammer blow. That's why his rest was never peaceful. In his dreams he tried to save them but he couldn't. He watched his friends die again and again, New soldiers fresh from training lose limbs or their lives, some no older than 20 years of age, and he watched the life drain from them as their blood pooled around their bodies with the casevac just minutes away but just a few seconds too late.

(Inside Gerad's mind.)

"Stay with me private, hang on". He said as he drove the damaged armored vehicle through the war torn streets. One hand was on the steering wheel of the IFV while his free hand held tried to keep pressure on the soldier's gut wound. "HEY! KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN"! He yelled as the private groaned and laid her head back in pain. They hit a bump which jostled his hand and that caused another wave of pain to run through the wounded female.

She coughed up blood and it dribbled from her mouth and stomach. The floorboard was slick with blood and intestinal fluids she had lost and she was going into shock. He tried to keep her awake and alive, pushing the wounded vehicle to it's max. He wasn't fast enough as she passed and the memory faded into darkness with only the lifeless look on her face.

A scream ripped through the darkness as a new memory flashed up. "IT BURNS! OH MY GOD IT FUCKING BURNS"! Gerad busted through a wall and shoulder chucked and alien into the opposite end, killing the creature. Turning around he saw a sergeant come through after him and check the soldier. It was a Specialist who looked like his stomach had been eaten through with acid.

The creatures they had been fighting were what remained of the former inhabitants of the world, changed by radiation and some type of virus. It was able to eat through the tough shielding and armor of those on the surface which was a first for the military. Now there was a scramble to come up with something resistant to this high of a PH level. The sergeant took a knee next to the soldier who was gasping and looked at the sergeant with his blue optic system hiding the pained expression beneath.

"Sarge? I-I hurt sarge. T-tell my ma......T-ell her I did m-my.....best". With that he ceased breathing and ceased moving. The looked at the body for a moment and then to Gerad. "I'm going to make these things pay. To be honest, I blame you more than anything. You sent us into a position that was untenable knowing full well that it was". The sergeant said with hostility.

Gerad looked at the body and then at the sergeant. "Look, I didn't want to send anyone here but someone had to be sent otherwise we would have lost our entire eastern flank and half the city. I don't like getting you all killed". He said in retort as he already felt grief and regret. Looking outside the building there were about 20 bodies of other soldiers of varying rank laying dead on the battle field. Their bodies with various acid burns on their bodies and in some cases they were eaten all the way through.

"Well maybe if you had chosen a better defensive site or choke point these men wouldn't be dead! My platoon might still be alive god damn it"! The sergeant roared at him which made Gerad spin around while friendly soldiers came to reinforce the area. "YOU THINK THIS WASN'T THE BEST OPTION?! IT WAS THIS OR OUT IN THE PLAZA OR EVEN WORSE THE GOD DAMNED FIELDS"! He yelled back. He was already upset about the loss of life but he knew he had chosen the lesser of the two evils.

The dream faded and Gerad was left in and empty black space sobbing. Yanking his hair and screaming in his dream as the faces of every soldier he had lost flashed in front of him. He screamed loudly as he reached out for something, anything. His hands touched something cold and metalic and he picked it up. Feeling it up he found some type of grip and the cold metal lit up a soft purple. His own combat knife was held in his hands and it glowed temptingly.

Tears streamed down his face as he apologized again and again to every face he saw. Soon enough voices surrounded him in the darkness. "Failed us. KILLED US. I wanted to go home. HELP ME! SAVE US"! The voices were many and he let out a scream as he raised the knife, ready to end it, to plunge it into his chest.

At that moment there was an explosion of white light and the knife was knocked from his hands. He was blinded and screamed loudly in fear as he cried. He expected to see an unholy terror, a monster made up of the bodies of those he had let down. Instead there stood a dark blue mare with soft blue eyes.

"Gerad"? The voice questioned. It was soft, sweet, motherly almost.

His response was to scream and fall to his knees, rocking back and forth on them as he held his head. "Make them stop. I ke-keep apologizing. I never w-anted t-them to die. Plea-se m-ake them stop. Please kill me". He begged in short broken sentences as he dug his nails into his scalp. His tears formed a pool around him which rippled when it was disturbed by a blue hoof.

He looked up with a tear stained face and bloodshot eyes. Luna stood before him and before he could question what she was doing she dragged him from the puddle with her magic. Gerad squirmed and tried to get free but stopped when he felt her soft blue wings wrap around him, her hooves wrapping around his back and pulling him close.

Luna hugged him tightly to her, refusing to let the man go. He had already turned the course of a war that they had been losing for years and watching his dream she had seen the suffering he had gone through. She wouldn't let him go, she couldn't let him go. She had seen enough death and she didn't want to see anymore, especially by the species that had come to their aid. "What were you doing Gerad"? She asked him and looked into his eyes with her own.

She watched him look away but she refused to let him turn away and made him look at her. "Tell me Gerad". She said softly to which Gerad visibly tensed and swallowed a lump in his throat. He didn't want to say it, no one wanted to come out and say they wanted to kill themselves. It just wasn't Human nature to tell someone something like that lest they be judged as weak.

She wasn't going to take his silence and decided to answer it for him. "You were going to kill yourself weren't you"? She asked him which made him nod his head. "But only in here. Not out there I swear"! He said quickly which made the Lunar princess shake her head.

"Do not lie to me Gerad. What ails you? Is it the loss of your friends, the burden of command, or is it both"? She inquired and laid next to him, keeping him close to her barrel and chest. She watched Gerad fidget uncomfortably.

"Both. I can't stop seeing their faces Luna, I can't take it. They keep growing in number with each passing year and I can't stop it". He said with tears threatening to spring forth once again.

She intercepted those tears with a brush of her soft feathered wings, wiping them away and hugging him tighter. "I know how you feel Gerad. I too have lost good friends from the guard and I miss them dearly. I know it hurts and I know it pains you to know that they are not coming back but take heart in knowing that none of them blame you". She said and nuzzled his cheek softly.

Gerad looked away. "But I gave the order, I put them in those positions". He looked back to her. "And I made them fight".

Luna shook her head. "No, they chose to fight when they joined and while you gave the order I know you did the best you could to make sure they might survive". Nibbling his ear softly she continued to console him. "I know the loss and the memories sting and in some cases it might feel like that's all you'll be able to see. I don't want to see you like this Gerad. Think instead of your victories, of the many you've saved, and of those you'll be able to save in the future. We all make mistakes and we all lose people. The best we can do to honor their memory is to continue living for them".

Gerad looked tired as he seemed to relax from her touch and being so close to her. "But......".

Luna put a wing to his lips. "No buts. Rest Gerad, I will guard you". She gave him a soft kiss on the forehead which she noticed made Gerad blush softly.

"Yes Milady....Is there.....any.....other orders......zzzzzzzzz". Gerad's mind finally reached a peace where the exhaustion finally set in. True to her word Luna guarded his dreams and his mind, letting him sleep peacefully for the first time in years.

Luna couldn't help but wonder one thing. Why the hell did she kiss his forehead?

Author's Note

For those who don't understand. PTSD is a serious issue. My mother had it from her time in the Army after her deployment.

I watched her go off the deep end and spiral into drinking, smoking, and becoming increasingly hostile towards me.

Me as prior service I watched some of my NCOs who've served in combat try to seem tough but some of them I saw were injured either mentally or physically.

Just know that whether you have PTSD from being in the service or PTSD from being abused, you're all important and you all matter. You're not alone.