Undead Robot Bug Crusaders: Unusual Lives

by Banjo64

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 72999

The continuing misadventures of the Undead Robot Bug Crusaders

Apple Bloom is an undead ghoul, but that's OK. She's finally come to terms with her condition, and is determined to rise above her curse.

Sweetie Belle is a robot, but that's OK. With manual in hoof, she's prepared to learn everything she can about herself, and whatever the future holds.

Scootaloo is a changeling, but that's OK. Changelings are citizens now, and she's ready to do her part to show the world changelings can be friendly too.

Together, the three of them are getting by, one day at a time. They may never get their cutie marks, but that's not going to stop them from having fun, finding their talents, and maybe even going a week without causing massive amounts of property damage. Maybe.

Meanwhile, Babs Seed is still blissfully unaware of the unusual destiny that awaits her, Diamond Tiara is slowly finding her place in the world, and Ponyville is still the weirdest town in Equestria. But then again, what else is new?

Edited by Bahamuttone

Cover Art by someone close to me IRL who probably doesn't want anyone to know she made pony art.

Published 2019-01-12 16:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-04-01 22:42:29 UTC

Chapter 1: CMC vs Boring Life Threatening Vines

Black vines were rapidly spreading through the town. The sun and moon were frozen in the sky, throwing the land into a surreal perpetual twilight (not the pony). Six certain mares had ventured off to the Everfree once again. Oh, and Discord was in town, up to his usual “I’m totally not a bad guy anymore” antics.

In other words, it was a typical Saturday in Ponyville.

Like many citizens of Equestria’s local disaster zone, the CMC had decided to simply wait out the mess while their sisters and friends saved the day for the Celestia-knows-how-many-ith time. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond their control, they found themselves cooped up in the Carousel Boutique.

“Ugh… so bored…” groaned Scootaloo.

“Yeah. Nothing to do here but stare at Rarity’s dresses,” grumbled Apple Bloom.

“In hindsight, we probably shouldn’t have stashed all the crayons we owned at the clubhouse. You never know when you’re going to find yourself stuck in the wrong building,” added Sweetie Belle.

There was a loud crash as something outside was smashed by the vines. The CMC didn’t even bother glancing outside. Why would they? Nothing interesting was happening out there.

With a grunt, Scootaloo sat up.

“Hay with it. There’s got to be something around here we can do. Maybe Rarity has a deck of cards somewhere?” suggested Scootaloo.

The good news was that Rarity did, in fact, have a deck of cards. The fillies had even managed to actually find it. The bad news, however, was that their game of Go Fish was turning out to be rather one-sided.

“Got any five’s?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Go fish,” replied Apple Bloom.

With a sigh, Sweetie Belle drew from the deck. She got a six.

“Got any six’s?” asked Scootaloo.

Sweetie growled, but hooved over the card.

“I swear, every single time I draw…” she grumbled.

“Hey, we’re playing Go Fish. What am I supposed to do, ask you for the two’s I’ve already gotten the set for?” argued Scootaloo.

“You've gotten every set so far! I’m this close to calling you a cheater!” cried Sweetie Belle.

“She’s right, ya know. That’s a mighty big stack of cards ya got there,” added Apple Bloom.

“I’m not cheating. It’s not my fault the cards are matching up so well for me,” countered Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle let out a very unlady-like snort.

“Well, something’s clearly going on so… wait… did we check if this deck was shuffled before we started playing?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shared an uncertain look. Taking the initiative, Apple Bloom peaked at the underside of the deck.

“King, king, king, king, queen, queen, queen… yeah, you’re right, Sweetie Belle. We didn’t shuffle the deck,” declared Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom’s friends groaned and threw down their cards.

“Who the hay takes the time to re-organize every card in a deck like this? This clearly isn’t a new pack!” cried Sweetie Belle.

“Twilight Sparkle?” suggested Apple Bloom.

…

“OK, yes, she would, but these are Rarity's cards. This makes no sense,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Well, whatever the reason, this just killed my desire to play card games for the next few hours,” complained Scootaloo.

“Yeah. Anypony have any other ideas to pass the time?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Ah spy somethin’... blue,” said Apple Bloom.

“That dress?” said Scootaloo.

“Which one?” asked Apple Bloom.

“The one with that red ribbon?” answered Scootaloo.

“I see three blue dresses with red ribbons,” pointed out Sweetie Belle.

“OK, the blue dress with the red ribbon, the white frills, and the emeralds on the sleeves,” said Scootaloo with a roll of her eyes.

“Ah. Sorry, but no, not that one,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Alright, how about… that blue dress with the sapphires?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“Which one? Ah see four blue dresses with sapphires,” asked Apple Bloom.

…

“This isn’t working. Next idea,” said Scootaloo.

The three fillies groaned as the bottle came to a stop pointed perfectly between two of them.

Again.

“I think this bottle might be possessed,” complained Sweetie Belle.

“That, or Discord’s playing games with us again,” grumbled Scootaloo.

“Either way, Ah think something’s messin’ with us. Maybe we should just give up on it?” suggested Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle let out a huff.

“We’ve been trying to find something to do for ages now. Can’t we just, I don’t know, add another rule to make sure one of us actually gets picked?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo blinked, then smiled.

“That’s a great idea, Sweetie. Since there’s three of us, if the bottle ends up perfectly between two of us again, whoever’s on the opposite side of where it’s pointing is it. Agreed?” suggested Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle nodded.

Scootaloo gave the bottle one last spin and…

The three fillies stared at the bottle, which was now, somehow, standing rightside up, pointing at the ceiling.

…

“Yeah… Ah’m pretty sure that’s a sign we should move on to something else,” said Apple Bloom.

Some time and many failed attempts later, the three of them laid about in Sweetie Belle’s room, bored out of their minds.

“Tic tac toe?” suggested Apple Bloom.

“With three players?” countered Scootaloo.

“Well, it’s not like we can’t take turns or anything,” pointed out Sweetie Belle.

“But that means one of us will be stuck watching. Tic tac toe is so boring to watch…” grumbled Scootaloo.

The air was filled with the sound of sighing fillies.

“Welp, Ah give up. Unless anypony feels like pullin’ out the cards again, Ah can’t think of anythin’ else we can do to pass the time,” admitted Apple Bloom with a sigh.

“Maybe the day’s already been saved?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo, who was on Sweetie Belle’s bed, glanced out the window.

“Looks like… nope. Sky’s still a mess, and no sign of Rainbow Dash or the others,” she announced.

With a grunt, Apple Bloom sat up.

“Alright, ya know what, Ah think it’s time to resort to drastic measures,” she announced.

“Drastic measures?” asked Sweetie Belle, also sitting up.

Apple Bloom turned towards Sweetie Belle and trotted up so that she was face to face with her.

“Uh, Apple Bloom? What are you…” started Sweetie Belle.

“Staring Contest! Go!” declared Apple Bloom before staring deep into Sweetie Belle’s eyes.

Though caught off guard, Sweetie Belle quickly matched Apple Bloom’s stare. And the two gazed into each other’s unblinking eyes, waiting for the other to give in.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes, but was content to watch for the few seconds it would take for the game to end.

One of them would blink any second now…

…

Any second now…

…

There! Sweetie Belle… no wait, that was just the light flickering as a vine moved pass the window.

...

“Wait a second, do either of you even need to blink?” asked Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both forfeited at the same moment as they blinked in surprise.

“Huh. Now that ya mention it… Ah guess not. Though Ah don’t think Ah should try and break the habit,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah. I doubt either of us want to end up with creepy staring gazes or anything like that,” added Sweetie Belle.

A light turned on above Sweetie Belle’s head. Not literally, though. It was still more than bright enough outside.

“Hold on, I’ve got an idea. We’ve tried every way normal ponies pass the time, right? Why don’t we try getting creative and do something else?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom looked at Sweetie Belle in confusion.

“I mean, we’ve got a ghoul, a robot, and a changeling here. Maybe we can try and come up with some kind of new game to play that takes advantage of our unique abilities?” explained Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom shared a thoughtful look.

The Carousel Boutique’s basement was dark and creepy, but not dusty. Rarity kept most of her fabric stock down there, after all, and she wasn’t the kind of pony to let her precious cloth be ruined by something as vile as dust.

This suited the CMC just fine. They didn’t need dust to play this special new game anyway, just the dark. Plus, the vines seemed to have yet to invade the place, so it was perfect.

“Where are you, little fillies?” said Apple Bloom in as intimidating a voice as she could manage.

Apple Bloom moved slowly and carefully, taking care to avoid giving away her own position with a careless hooffall. Her red eyes piercing the darkness with ease, though the rows of shelves full of fabric made spotting the others a little tricky. But with only two ponies to keep track of, it wasn’t too difficult.

“Y’all can’t hide from mah gaze forever…” said Apple Bloom.

She heard a giggle, then turned a corner and spotted Sweetie Belle. The unicorn noticed Apple Bloom’s glowing eyes, gave a soft squeak, and immediately froze. Apple Bloom permitted herself a giggle as well. This was surprisingly fun, sneaking up on ponies like this and spooking them ever so slightly.

The game itself was sort of a cross between red light green light and hide and seek. The goal was for Apple Bloom’s friends to try and reach the stairs, starting from different sides of the room. The catch was that they couldn’t move while Apple Bloom was looking at them. And if they made too much noise by moving too fast, they lost the game anyway.

The interesting part was Apple Bloom’s eyes. Their unnatural red glow not only enabled her to see in the pitch-black basement with ease, but they also gave away that she was looking at somepony. So, not only were you trying to reach the end quickly and silently in the dark, you had keep your eyes open and watch the darkness for the sight of Apple Bloom’s gaze.

Satisfied that Sweetie Belle had stopped in time, Apple Bloom turned, ready to find Scootaloo and...

Bang!

“Ow!” cried Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom turned towards the noise in concern.

“You OK, Scootaloo?” called Apple Bloom.

“Yeah. I just banged my leg on the edge of a shelf. This is harder than I thought it would be,” said Scootaloo.

“OK, then. But if you’re not hurt, then the noise still counts. Sweetie Belle wins,” announced Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom made her way over to the light switch and lit up the room. Blinking as her eyes adjusted, Apple Bloom was surprised to see that Scootaloo was only a few meters away from the stairs, rubbing the pain out of her leg.

“Gah, I was so close,” grumbled Scootaloo as she got up and made her way back to the start.

“Welp, close doesn’t cut it in… uh… what did we decide to call this game, again?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Zombie tag, I think?” said Sweetie Belle.

“I’m pretty sure zombie tag’s already a thing, Sweetie,” said Scootaloo.

“That’s totally Private Pansy,” said Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo smiled as she dropped her disguise.

“Bingo. Point to Apple Bloom,” she declared.

“Yes!” cheered Apple Bloom with a hoof pump.

“Darn. I totally knew that one…” grumbled Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo giggled, then turned her attention to coming up with a new pony to disguise herself as. Her family were more than eager to “help.”

Oh! Oh! Do me! Do me! cried Goose.

I don’t think they’ll remember what you look like, Goose, argued Uno.

Well, that’d be just rude. And after I left such a good impression on them, too, huffed Goose.

Do you even remember what happened when you met those two? asked Lynx.

…

Yeah, thought so, said Lynx with a smirk that could be felt through the hivemind.

T-that’s besides the point! cried Goose.

And so is this conversation. Come on guys, either give me ideas or shut up so I can think of one myself, said Scootaloo.

There was some resigned grumbling, but a genuinely good suggestion soon emerged. Satisfied, Scootaloo quickly donned her disguise.

“Who am I?” asked Scootaloo, now in the form of a white unicorn mare with a brown mane, a pair of glasses, a bowtie, and an ink and quill cutie mark.

It was testament to Scootaloo’s rapidly improving skills that she had added the clothes to her disguise without any issue. She’d also say it was proof that she’d really, really needed a better teacher than that theory-obsessed creep she’d had for years.

“Hm… I swear I’ve seen that pony alive somewhere, so probably not a historical figure,” deducted Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah. She’s definitely not from Ponyville, and Ah’m pretty sure a unicorn wouldn’t live in Cloudsdale. And considerin’ what towns we’ve actually been to, Ah’m gonna guess she’s from Canterlot,” added Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo held back a nod. No hints unless they asked for them.

“OK, so, glasses and bowtie. Probably not a noble. Also probably somepony important if ya bothered disgustin’ as her at all. So that must mean…” mumbled Apple Bloom.

“That’s it! She’s Princess Celestia’s secretary! Ugh… what was her name again? Ink something?” cried Sweetie Belle.

“Raven Inkwell, and yes. Point to Sweetie Belle,” declared Scootaloo as she dropped the disguise.

This game was actually pretty fun, if a little familiar to the young changeling. Celestia knew how many times she’d played this game back when she lived at the hive. Or how many times Twitch had ruined the game by disguising as…

Crap, she’d been trying to forget about that detail.

Truly, my art transcends mortal memory, announced Twitch.

In the same way someone would call a filmed trainwreck a work of art, I guess, added Uno.

Nah. If it’s just a scene in a movie, a trainwreck could be considered a work of art. Twitch is more like a… um… added Beetle.

A toilet that’s- started Lynx.

Scootaloo quickly tuned her out. She did not want to hear whatever analogy her sister was about to say. She instead turned her attention back to the game, and quickly drew up another disguise.

“Who am I?” asked Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle raised their eyebrows.

“Uh… Scootaloo? Is something wrong?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo glanced down at notice the orange fur she currently had, along with a purple mane. She’d disguised herself… as herself.

“Lemme guess, you’re distracted and tryin’ to ignore something from the hivemind?” asked Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo let out a sigh.

“Twitch?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah. Twitch,” Scootaloo answered with a nod.

This was far from the first time the three of them had opened Sweetie Belle’s manual together, nor would it be the last. This was, however, the first time they were jumping to random pages in search of something interesting instead of just reading the book page by page.

“Infrared vision… binary translation… EMP resistance? What the hay does that mean?” asked Scootaloo with a raised eyebrow.

“Something to look at later, that’s what it means. But seriously, Sweetie Belle, how many gadgets do ya even have?” asked Apple Bloom in disbelief.

“I have no idea, Apple Bloom. Though I guess I could just have Sweetie Bot run a search if we… Oh! How about this?” said Sweetie Belle as a page caught her eye: virtual projection system.

The fillies took a moment to read it over.

“Enter a vir-tu-al reality of your own design? Dang, that’s some hard core sci-fi stuff right there,” noted Scootaloo.

“Well, I am a robot from the future, Scootaloo. I think we crossed the ‘hard core sci-fi’ line a long time ago,” said Sweetie Belle with a giggle.

“Huh. Says here that there’s an option to let other ponies interact. How the hay would that work?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Why don’t we find out?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle set the book down and, as instructed by the manual, positioned herself so she was facing a blank wall.

Here goes nothing… activate virtual projection, thought Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle’s vision suddenly shifted, the world around her fading into a blank empty void. Glancing down, she noticed she couldn’t even see herself in this place.

This is the virtual reality? It’s kind of empty, thought Sweetie Belle.

“Woah… that’s so cool!”came Scootaloo’s voice.

Sweetie Belle looked around. She couldn’t see anything.

“Girls? What’s happening? All I can see is endless nothingness,” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Oh, uh, your eyes are shining some kind of black screen onto the wall. Kind of a like a movie or something. I guess we’re seeing what you’re seeing?” said Scootaloo.

“I guess, though there really isn’t much to see here,” admitted Sweetie Belle as she looked around.

“Well, you’re supposed to be able to make a world with this thing. Maybe try filling it with stuff?” suggested Scootaloo.

“Yeah. The manual says ya come with several sample settin’s already in-stalled, whatever that means. Hm… do ya have some kind of… in-ter-face? Celestia, some of these words are weird…” added Apple Bloom.

Feeling a little foolish, Sweetie Belle thought about changing her surroundings, and a small screen popped in front of her vision. It also apparently popped onto whatever Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were looking at.

“There we go. Hm… looks like a bunch of locations and a ‘create new’ option. Let’s see… volcano, cloud city… how about we try that underwater option?” suggested Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle, seeing no reason to say no, focused on the text in question and then…

Grumble!

“What was… Uh oh,” said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle blinked, then groaned as the hunger pangs started hitting her again. A sure sign that she was running low on energy. It suddenly occurred to Sweetie Belle that, after the vines had messed with her magic that morning, she’d skipped breakfast. This did not mix well with utilizing energy-draining robot gadgets.

“I need food… now,” moaned Sweetie Belle as her stomach started growling even louder.

“I’m on it. Shut that thing down, Sweetie Belle,” declared Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle heard Scootaloo running off, but quickly turned her attention back the the VR. She shut the virtual reality system down, and the real world appeared before her eyes. She then proceeded to kneel over and clutch her gut.

“Ugh… I hate it when this happens. And we didn’t even get to really try the thing,” groaned Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom put a reassuring hoof on Sweetie Belle’s side.

“It’s OK, Sweetie Belle. We’ll try again after you eat,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah. In fact, maybe we can even hold off on this for a bit. I bet your coltfriend would get a kick out of seeing this for himself,” said Scootaloo as she came back with a bowl of fruit.

“He’s not my coltfriend…” grumbled Sweetie Belle before she proceeded to devour the fruit in a way that would make a parasprite blush.

At last, the sun was properly in the sky, the vines were all gone, and the ever fleeting peace had been restored. And not a pony was surprised to hear that the whole thing was Discord’s fault, nor that Pinkie had arranged yet another party soon after.

The CMC were naturally drawn out to join the party, eager to get outside after being cooped up for so long. But sadly, by the time Sweetie Belle’s hunger had been finally sated, there was no time to try the VR again before the party started. Still, there was no hurry. They’d be able to try again later.

As the party settled down, Rarity let out a sigh of relief as she and Sweetie Belle stepped inside the Boutique.

“Well, that was certainly one of our more… dramatic adventures, I suppose. How did you and the girls handle it?” asked Rarity.

“Like usual. Just played a bunch of games while waiting for things to calm down. By the way, what’s the deal with your cards?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“My… cards?” asked Rarity, her voice suddenly very nervously.

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Why do you have a deck of cards that’s already open, but not shuffled?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Rarity blinked in surprise, but then let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh, you must be talking about the cards I lent to Twilight the other day. You know how that mare gets about keeping things orderly,” said Rarity.

Sweetie Belle wasn’t entirely convinced.

“Uh huh. And you got really nervous when I mentioned them because…?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Oh, I just thought for a moment there that you and the girls had found my antique card set. It’s a very valuable item of mine, so I’d appreciate it if you’d avoid touching it in the future,” answered Rarity with a wave of her hoof.

“You have an antique card set?” asked Sweetie Belle in disbelief.

“I do have other hobbies than fashion, Sweetie,” said Rarity.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh, but accepted the answer. As she turned away and headed upstairs, however, Rarity let out a sigh of her own.

That had been far too close for comfort. Still, at least now Sweetie Belle would never accidentally open her secret box of cards. While Rarity was perfectly willing to admit she had other hobbies, she was less than eager to admit that one of them happened to be a certain magic-based collector card game.

“You just had to make a card geek out of me and the others, didn’t you, Twilight Sparkle?” cursed Rarity under her breath.

Author's Note

Season 4 premier... how long ago was that? Man, this show's been going for a while...

Chapter D1: Find the Diamond

*tink* *tink* *tink*

The sound of Diamond Tiara’s pickaxe hitting the rocks echoed around her. The same high note, again and again. Almost like some kind of stone-based chorus. Diamond couldn’t help but wonder if anypony had ever invented an enchanted singing rock, and if they’d sound something like this.

*tink* *tink* *tink*

It was a familiar sound at this point, but also a surprisingly pleasant one. It sounded like progress. It was like the sound of coins chiming. Or maybe not. It’s not like hearing a bag of coins jingle meant you were making money, after all.

*tink* *tink* *tink*

It was funny really. Here she was, working her flank off, yet her mind was wandering further than it had in ages. She seemed to be running with every tangent that popped into her head. Like her mind was a flowing river, being constantly misdirected by the stones she was cracking open. Maybe being out here working was affecting her more than she thought.

Or maybe it was just because she wasn’t constantly lying to herself anymore.

*tink* … …

Diamond Tiara put her pickaxe down and sighed.

“It’s been weeks now, Diamond Tiara. You can’t keep letting it mess with you like this. You've always known your mom hated you. This shouldn’t be bothering you now,” she mumbled at herself.

But it did bother her. The truth had hurt her so badly that she still felt that overwhelming emptiness in her soul. Which was why she was here, at the West Silver Mine, swinging a pickaxe at her own request. Nopony was forcing her to do it, and yet here she was, working in the dirt and stone.

Though, after a few hours of breaking rocks, Diamond Tiara had to admit that her future probably wasn’t in mining. It was just too tedious for her. Still, at least she could say she had tried it before dismissing it. That was more than she could have ever said about almost anything else she’d refused to do. She probably could have even stopped by now.

But she didn’t.

With a grunt of determination, she picked her pickaxe back up and started swinging it again. She had spent far too long as a quitter, never willing to put herself through anything. Silver Ore had asked her to break down this pile of stones and, by Celestia, Diamond Tiara was going to finish what she had started this time.

*tink* *tink* *tink*

Unsurprisingly, as she started swinging again, her mind began to wander again. This time onto the Ore family and ore mining in general, and how weird it was.

One of the first things Diamond Tiara had learned while staying at the mine was that ore mining was a completely different beast from rock farming. Not that Diamond was particularly knowledgeable about such things, but she knew the basics of the latter. With how much her mother spent on precious stones, it was hard not to pick up a few things.

Rock farmers spent their time moving common stones around in their fields, their unique magic slowly changing the stone into more valuable materials, or even gemstones. It was a slow process, and often took years, or even decades to complete. Ore mining also involved using unusual magic to change normal rocks into more valuable materials, but rather than years, it took generations.

*tink* *tink* *tink*

It was a fascinating process, especially with the return of the Crystal Empire revealing the source of this amazing rock-changing magic: faint traces of Salvares magic that lingered in certain earth pony family trees. Rock farmers and miners alike had gem pony ancestors. And with the crystal ponies now adding their own magic and ancient techniques to the table, both industries were experiencing a bit of a boom.

And yet, ore mining was still a slow process. So slow, in fact, that once a mine had been picked clean, it would be refilled with the tailings plus other wasteful rocks, and be abandoned for centuries so the ores could regrow. Unsurprisingly, many mining families owned multiple mines, moving between them as each was drained and refilled every generation.

*tink* *tink *tink*

Which was why Diamond Tiara was breaking down a stack of stones. Rock farms were willing to buy quality rocks from miners, but only when broken down to sizes that they could work with. If they weren’t ideal farming size, the rock farmers would just make their own. It was bottom tier work breaking rocks like this, but it was work that didn’t require a pony to actually set hoof in the mine.

When Diamond Tiara had asked for a chance to try her hoof at mining, the Ores had insisted that Diamond not enter the mine. Professional excavations were apparently a lot more dangerous than the tunnels beneath Ponyville. And so, here she was: breaking down rocks that probably wouldn’t be put to use in her lifetime.

*tink* *tink* *tink*

It was so strange, working like this. More than once Diamond Tiara had pinched herself to make sure this wasn’t some kind of crazy dream. She was even going to be paid for her efforts. She was going to get bits that she had earned, and had not been given by her father. Not to mention the look of joy on Silver Spoon’s face when she realized her friend was trying to rise from the ashes of her family life...

And there her mind went again. Diamond started to consider if she should look into more mentally-challenging careers. Maybe she’d find something more engaging that way. At the very least, that might help keep her head below the clouds and away from unpleasant topics.

Diamond Tiara wondered what it was like to be on a cloud...

*tink* *tink*

*thunk!*

Blinking in surprise as she was snapped out of her pondering, Diamond Tiara looked down at the rock she’d been breaking. She’d barely cracked it. What in Equestria had made that sound? She tried to hit it again.

*thunk!*

Yep, there was something off about this rock. Maybe there was something inside it? She rolled it over a bit, then swung again.

*tink* *tink* *thunk!*

This time, a chunk of the rock came off, revealing… some kind of weird white lump inside.

“Mr. Ore? Can you take a look at this, please?” asked Diamond Tiara as she made her way to the stallion’s office.

Silver Ore was a large pony, with a grey coat and silver mane that was a few shades darker than Silver Spoon’s. He was a gruff pony who took his job very seriously, but greeted Diamond Tiara with a smile. He had a soft spot for his niece and her friend. Especially after he’d been told about what the little filly had gone through.

“Oh? What is it, Diamond Tiara? Find something interesting?” asked Mr. Ore.

Diamond Tiara shrugged and showed him the rock with the weird white stuff inside it. Mr. Ore let out a whistle.

“Well, what do you know. Looks like you went and found yourself a diamond,” said Mr. Ore.

Diamond Tiara looked down at the stone in her hoof, somewhat confused.

“This ugly thing is a diamond?” she asked in disbelief.

Mr. Ore let out a chuckle, before reaching into his desk and pulling out a bottle of polish and a rag.

“Yep. You ever hear the expression ‘a diamond in the rough’? It ain’t just a bit of flowery language. This little thing just needs a bit of cleaning up,” declared Mr. Ore.

Mr. Ore took the ugly diamond, and started cleaning it. After a minute or two, he showed it to Diamond Tiara, revealing the bright, shiny gemstone that the filly was familiar with.

“We ain’t rock farmers. The gems that form in our mines don’t grow because we tell them to. As such, when one forms, it doesn’t grow all that cleanly. They ain’t flawless either. There’s bound to be cracks and other marks in it, so it won’t sell for very much,” explained Mr. Ore.

Diamond Tiara looked at the diamond. She could see that he was right. It was clearly a substandard gemstone. And yet...

“But it’s still a diamond. It won’t be as pretty as one grown on a rock farm, but it can still shine like any other gem with a little polish...” she mumbled.

Mr. Ore blinked in surprise, but then gave her a warm smile.

“Just like a certain other Diamond, right?” he asked.

Diamond Tiara blushed, but nodded. It was kind of fitting, actually.

She was a Diamond in the rough...

Author's Note

OK, I lied. There's going to be one ongoing story arc. But it's going to be a lot more uplifting, and less depressing, than the Diamond Tiara arc of the last story.

Chapter 2: Noobs and Natural Fails

It had taken hours of studying, a few tutoring sessions with the local expert (who was also the local dragon), and even a bribe or two to buy the necessary “equipment” without anyone noticing, but they’d done it. They were ready.

The CMC were going to play a game of Ogres & Oubliettes with Button Mash.

And his mom. They needed someone who was an experienced Dungeon Master for their first game, after all.

“Hello, everypony! Ready for a fun night of adventure?” asked Mrs. Mash with a smile.

“Ready, mom!” announced Button Mash. He was wearing a brown cloak, clearly ready to get into character.

“I think so,” said Sweetie Belle, a little nervous, but determined to have a good time.

“Yeah! Let’s do this!” cheered Scootaloo.

While she wasn’t wearing a costume like Button, she did bring her own set of fancy looking custom dice.

“Uh… Ah guess?” said an uncertain Apple Bloom. She was kind of lost already.

Mrs. Mash looked at Apple Bloom with a soft smile.

“It’s OK, Apple Bloom. I’ve been playing table tops since I was your age. I know all kind of tricks to make a game simple enough for first timers, without being too easy. This will be a great time for all of us, I promise,” reassured Mrs. Mash.

Apple Bloom sighed, but nodded.

“Arlight. First thing first, did you girls make your character sheets like Button told you?” asked Mrs. Mash.

The three fillies pulled out their sheets.

“Good. Now, Button, why don’t you introduce your character first, and then we’ll go clockwise from there,” suggested Mrs. Mash.

“OK, mom. So, you remember how Sir Robin got that crazy ‘run away’ trait after that crit fail last month? I gave me an idea of how to build an agility focused hero for a change. So my hero is a ranger named Sonic the Swift,” said Button.

The blatantly obvious reference made Scootaloo scoff, Sweetie Belle roll her eyes, Apple Bloom raise an eyebrow, and Mrs. Mash give Button a small glare.

“Button, what did I say about stealing role-playing characters from other games?” chided Mrs. Mash.

“It’s just the name, mom. I made him a orange pegasus, he’s more of a calm, strategy type of fighter, and his arch-enemy is not a crazy scientist. I totally didn’t steal him,” replied Button with a huff.

“If it’s really just the name, then you can change it, right?” countered Mrs. Mash with a smirk.

As the fillies around the table giggled, Button let out a sigh.

“Alright, fine. His name is... uh… Air… Gorge. yeah, Air Gorge the Swift. Ugh, that doesn’t sound nearly as cool. Anyway, he’s a neutral good ranger from a noble family who decided he wanted to do something exciting with his life. He’s all about staying light on his hooves and outmaneuvering his enemies,” continued Button.

“Alright. Never hurts to have at least one mobile hero in the party. Your turn, Scootaloo,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Well, I kind of wanted to play a rogue, but I figured that if Button was going for an agility focused hero, I’d better make a tank. So I’m a lawful good earth pony paladin named Rain Heart. He’s a veteran soldier with a love of heavy armor and large shields. I also gave him a secret backstory that I’m not going to spoil just yet,” said Scootaloo with a smirk.

“Secret backstory? With a paladin? I do hope you’re not going with a bread and butter ‘that one mistake’ approach,” said Mrs. Mash with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, considering it’s Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle’s first game I figured I’d go with something obvious,” admitted Scootaloo as she rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

“Right… I guess we’ll just poke fun at that when it comes up. So, are you planning on getting into character, or I am expected to believe that changelings don’t take advantage of their magic for roleplaying?” asked Mrs. Mash.

Scootaloo let out a sigh.

“We do, but I’m going to opt out tonight. I’ve been trying to nail a decent Rain Heart voice, but I just can’t seem to get low enough. If I’m going to use a disguise to do the character justice, I want to go all the way, not wind up sounding like an overcompensating teenager,” admitted Scootaloo.

“Can’t you at least turn into a colt? You did mention that you’re a natural at gender changing, and you sounded a little more manly as Scooter. Besides, it’s just the five of us here so it’s not like you’d be making a fool of yourself again,” suggested Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo looked like she was about to object, but then she just let out another sigh. A moment later, she turned into Scooter with a flash of green flames.

“Alright, but just so we’re clear, I’m getting a lot of annoying comments from the hivemind because of this,” grumbled Scootaloo.

“Your sacrifice for the good of engaging roleplaying will be long remembered. Your turn, Apple Bloom,” said Mrs. Mash.

Apple Bloom let out an awkward cough and nervously looked over her character sheet.

“Well, Spike was talkin’ about how this game’s all about bein’ somepony you’re not, so Ah figured Ah’d try mah hoof at bein’ a mage. So... mah character is uh.... Chaotic neutral, because Ah don’t really want to play a bad guy, and his name is Hog Wash. His backstory is that he’s a unicorn wizard in trainin’, and he’s goin’ on a quest to impress a mare he’s got a crush on,” said Apple Bloom.

Everypony else at the table shared uncertain looks.

“Uh, Apple Bloom? I think you’re taking what Spike said a little too seriously. It sounds like you’re trying way too hard to roleplay something you’re not. I mean, I was kind of expecting you to at least use Apple in your character name,” said Button.

“Did Ah do somethin’ wrong?” asked Apple Bloom in a nervous tone.

“Well, no, but part of the game is about being able to get into your character’s head. If your character has nothing in common with you, it can be tricky to try and think of what your character would do in a situation, instead of what you would do. Mind you, this is certainly doable, but as this is your first game, I’m just a little worried you might get frustrated later,” explained Mrs. Mash.

“Oh. Well, Ah think Ah can handle it. Ah mean, Ah did kind of base Hog Wash after Scootaloo, so Ah think Ah’ll have little trouble guessin’ what he’ll do,” replied Apple Bloom.

“Wait, what?” asked Scootaloo.

There were some chuckles had around the table.

“Alright then. If you think you’re up for it, I won’t stop you. After all, playing as someone else is indeed part of what O&O is all about. Alright, that just leaves you, Sweetie Belle,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Right. So, after digging through the rule book for a bit, I found the perfect role for me to play. So, her name’s Steel Frame. She’s an apprentice to a blacksmith, but is actually a robot from the future who…” said Sweetie Belle, but paused as there were several facehooves around the table.

“Really, Sweetie Belle? I mean, really?” deadpanned Scootaloo.

“Yeah. You’re doing the opposite of what Ah’m doin’. How the hay are ya supposed to role play if you’re just puttin’ yourself into the game?” asked Apple Bloom.

“And besides that, O&O is a fantasy setting. There are no robots in this game,” added Button Mash.

Even Mrs. Mash seemed a little uncertain. Sweetie Belle just rolled her eyes.

“I know that, Button. The robot thing is purely for backstory and role playing purposes. In game, she’s just a golem with an iron affinity. I even added a ‘no spoiler’ rule so she can’t use anything from the future. She has to use spells and swords just like everypony else. And yes, I am aware that I’m stealing from the craziness that I call my life, but I’m not just self inserting. Just look at my sheet,” explained Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle pushed her character sheet over to Button. He took one look at it, but then without a word, he passed it over to his mother. It was quickly apparent why: the sheer amount of information Sweetie had scribbled over every visible inch of space was quite intimidating.

“Let’s see… wants to play the lute, but has not ear for music… friendly, but a bit bossy at times… considers herself lawful neutral but tends to act more lawful good…” Mrs. Mash mumbled as she read.

After a few minutes, Mrs. Mash had to admit it: Sweetie Belle really had come up with a way to make a robot logically and functionally exist in the world of O&O. It was such a skilled display of rule bending and stretched technicalities that Mrs. Mash was genuinely impressed. Still, as intriguing a premise as it was, the fact remained that this character was going to have to wait for another day.

“Well, I must admit I have no objections to this character, but I’m afraid I’m going to ask you to create a new one, Sweetie Belle,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Huh? Why?” asked Sweetie Belle, looking rather hurt and confused.

“Steel Frame is a golem, Sweetie. Golems are an advanced class meant for experienced players. While I think this character is good and I’d love to see her in action some day, I think it’d be best for your first game to pick an easier class,” explained Mrs. Mash.

“Yeah… Golems are kinda complicated. You really should get some hooves-on experience with the rest of the game before you tackle the Internal Magic system and everything that come with it,” added Button Mash.

“The what system?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Exactly,” answered Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle let out a resigned sigh.

“Alright, I see your point. Guess I’ll just roll up a cleric. Spike did mention you can always use a healer,” said Sweetie Belle in a sad tone.

Mrs. Mash passed Steel Frame’s sheet back with a smile.

“Oh don’t feel bad, Sweetie. I mean, the sheer amount of detail you put into this is mind boggling. It’d be a shame if Steel Frame never saw the light of day. And I can help you set up your cleric a little faster, if you’d like,” offer Mrs. Mash.

“Nah, I’d rather do it myself, if you don’t mind,” said Sweetie Belle with a shake of her head.

Mrs. Mash chuckled as Sweetie Belle pulled out a pencil and started filling out a new character sheet.

“A kind heart, a knack for rule bending, and a strong do-it-yourself attitude? Well, that’s settles it then. Button, you have my full approval to date this filly,” announced Mrs. Mash.

At those words, Sweetie Belle and Button Mash froze up as their faces started turning red. They’d both been teased about it before, but to hear it from Button’s mom? It was just too much. Meanwhile, Apple Bloom had to stick a hoof to her mouth to hold back her laughter. Scootaloo made not such effort, and started laughing hysterically.

“What?! Mom! We’re not dating! I told you she’s not my fillyfriend!” objected Button Mash.

“Y-yeah! We’re just friends!” added Sweetie Belle.

Mrs. Mash just giggled.

“Your blushing faces and rather insistent denial suggest otherwise,” she added in a sing-song voice.

Button Mash proceeded to bury his beet red face in his hooves. Sweetie Belle’s gaze turned sharply back onto her character sheet, where she proceeded to start filling it out in a rather aggressive manner. Apple Bloom gave up and started laughing as well, while Scootaloo just collapsed to the floor.

“Why, mom? Why?” mumbled Button.

“Because you two are just so cute together, and far too easy to tease, my dear,” said Mrs. Mash with a smile.

Several minutes later, the laughter finally started to die down, and Sweetie Belle’s new character was ready. A cleric named Holy Light, who was a rather stereotypical lawful good shy cleric. The blandness of the character was readily overlooked on account that Sweetie Belle had filled out her sheet while her face was still flushed scarlet. She’d flesh her backstory out later when she didn’t feel like crawling under the table in embarrassment.

“Alright then. Anything else before we begin?” asked Mrs. Mash.

Four young ponies all shook their heads no.

“Excellent,” said Mrs. Mash.

She lifted up her GM screen and cleared her throat before speaking in a deep, dramatic voice.

“Welcome to the world of Ogres & Oubliettes. This is a magical land full of wonderment, adventure, and dangers beyond your wildest dreams. But all is not as it should be. Hidden within the darkest shadows, a great evil has begun to stir. It’s twisted reach has begun to consume the world, threatening the downfall of all civilization,” narrated Mrs. Mash.

The three fillies looked at her in awe.

“Woah. You’re really good at this,” said Scootaloo.

“It’s like the start of an awesome movie,” added Apple Bloom.

“Thank you, dears. *Ahem.* But these lands shall not be conquered so easily. For in the face of such horrors, mighty heroes have risen to fight the darkness, be it for glory, justice, or gold. And on this day, four new heroes are about to embark on a great journey that will decide the fate of the world. And this journey begins one stormy night in a tavern…”

The first chamber of the tomb is dark and damp. The stones under the heroes’ hooves are in poor condition, moss can be seen growing along the walls, and the air is heavy with the musky scent of death and decay.

“Well, this is about as pleasant as I expected it to be,” says Air Gorge.

“Indeed. We’d best remain on guard. There’s no telling what awaits us ahead,” adds Rain Heart.

Hog Wash opens his mouth to speak…

Then Apple Bloom paused, uncertain.

“Uh, Apple Bloom? Is something wrong?” asked Button Mash.

“Well, it’s just that at this point Ah think Hog Wash would do somethin’ reckless, but Ah don’t want to do somethin’ that might make the game harder for us,” explained Apple Bloom.

“Ah, a debate of character vs gameplay. This is sort of what we were warning you about, Apple Bloom,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Well, I say go for it. I mean, it’s the first room. Whatever’s here can’t be too dangerous, right?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah. And if you start going against your persona for the sake of avoiding problems, you’ll always be tempted to break character every time something seems wrong,” added Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom let out a sigh.

“Right. Welp, Ah made this choice mahself, Ah’ll just have to live with it,” declared Apple Bloom.

“Ha! Let it come! Ah’ll reduce anythin’ that gets in our way to dust!” boasts Hog Wash.

“Y-you shouldn’t be so over confident. W-what if there’s something worse than monsters down here?” stutters Holy Light.

Hog Wash merely scoffs. As if to prove his point, he casts a spell at…

“Wait, which spell are you casting? You need to decide before actually casting it,” interrupted Mrs. Mash.

“Oh, right. Uh…” Apple Bloom paused to glance at her character sheet.

“So… it’ll probably be somethin’ small so that it’s not too big a waste. So… Ah guess Magic Missile?” answered Apple Bloom.

The table was quiet for a moment, before Scootaloo, Button Mash, and Mrs. Mash all grinned.

“Well, you need a target to cast that spell, I’m afraid,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Ok. So… Ah’ll… uh…hm… well, ya said the room’s dark so… Hog Wash will attack the darkness?” suggested Apple Bloom.

Everyone else around the table burst into laughter, except for Sweetie Belle, who just looked at Apple Bloom in confusion.

“What? What’d Ah say?” asked Apple Bloom.

“I dunno. Maybe it’s some kind of inside joke only experienced O&O players would get,” replied Sweetie Belle with a shrug.

As the four adventurers enter the next chamber, they are surprised to see that this one was empty. No skeletons to fight, no puzzles to solve, and not even a suspicious looking chest to taunt them.

“Well then, this looks like it’ll be easy for a change,” comments Hog Wash.

“Too easy. Never assume that because you can’t see a threat, it means there isn’t one,” says Rain Heart.

“Agreed. Let me check for any traps first,” adds Air Gorge.

Button Mash rolled his dice.

“Fourteen,” announced Button.

Air Gorge is able to quickly spot that the room was full of tripwires.

“Just as I thought. We’ll have to be careful, and try to sneak past without setting anything off,” announces Air Gorge.

“Or maybe we could try activating them from a safe distance? I don’t know if Rain Heart’s up for sneaking with that heavy armor,” suggests Holy Light.

“Wait, is that really something Holy Light would say? Isn’t she supposed to be too shy to really suggest something that aggressive?” noted Button Mash.

“She’s still a little annoyed about the spiders from the last room. It was more of a jab at Rain Heart then a serious suggestion,” explained Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, Ah think anypony would still be upset about the spiders. Ya really messed that one up, Scootaloo,” added Apple Bloom.

“I rolled a dang crit fail. Give me a break already,” grumbled Scootaloo.

“Moving on,” interrupted Button Mash.

“That would be unwise. I can’t tell what sort of traps these are. Activating one may unleash poisonous gas or seal us inside this chamber. Evasion is out best option here,” answers Air Gorge.

“That’s true. Very well then, sneaking it is,” admits Holy Light.

“Alright. So... who wants to go first?” asks Hog Wash.

“Might as well be me. I am the most agile among us. I might be able to safely disarm a trap or two,” says Air Gorge.

Button Mash rolled his dice.

“Dang,” said Button.

While Air Gorge manages to cross the room without difficulty, he is unable to disarm any traps.

“Hm… these traps are more complicated than I thought,” he admits.

“Alright, Ah’ll go next,” says Hog Wash.

Apple Bloom rolled her dice.

Hog Wash also crosses the room without setting off any traps.

“OK, that wasn’t too bad. Next,” says Hog Wash.

“I’ll go,” announces Holy Light.

Sweetie Belle rolled her dice.

“Uh oh…” said Sweetie Belle in a nervous tone.

“Hold on, you might not be in trouble yet. OK, so an eight, plus your agility stat, and add in Air Gorge’s ‘Guiding Presence’ skill… you just barely passed,” deducted Mrs. Mash.

“Oh. Whew,” said Sweetie Belle as she let out a sigh of relief.

There are a few close calls, but Holy Light manages to make it across as well.

“OK, that was far harder than I expected. I have got to be more careful moving forward,” says Holy Light.

“Indeed. Learning from one’s mistakes is a vital skill of any warrior,” declares Rain Heart.

“Less wise sayings, more crossing the room, Rain Heart,” comments Hog Wash.

Rain Heart lets out a chuckle, and then steps forward.

Scootaloo rolled her dice.

…

“Are you bucking kiding me?!” cried Scootaloo.

Everypony just sadly looked down at the rolled two.

“Oh dear. That’s quite unfortunate,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Well, at least it’s not another crit fail,” said Button Mash.

“Yeah, but Rain Heart’s supposed to be this wise and experienced warrior. How can anyone take him seriously if he keeps failing like this?” demanded Scootaloo.

“I stopped taking him seriously after the spiders,” commented Sweetie Belle.

“Same here, to be honest,” added Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo facehooved and let out a groan.

“Ugh… fine. Just get it over with, Mrs. Mash,” she grumbled.

Unfortunately, Rain Heart’s armor proves too cumbersome to evade all the traps. After setting off a tripwire, a wall opens up and shoots several bolts at the knight.

“Roll once for endurance and once for luck, please,” said Mrs. Mash.

Scootaloo rolled her dice.

Fortunately, most of the bolts fail to penetrate his armor. However, one bolt manages to strike in a gap near his hind leg, dealing two points of damage.

“Gah! I’ve been injured!” cries Rain Heart.

“Welp, that’s too bad. After those spiders I’m running low on healing spells, so you’d better stallion up and shake that little scratch off,” says Holy Light.

“Really, Sweetie Belle? Really?” asked Scootaloo.

“Spi. Ders. Scootaloo. And I’m not just being spiteful. I really am running out of healing spells,” deadpanned Sweetie Belle.

“And potions. We really do need to save what we have left,” reminded Button Mash.

Scootaloo let out a sigh.

“Thank you for your assistance, young heroes. I hope this map shall be of use to you,” says the mayor.

The three heroes gather around the map. It reveals that the next piece of the ancient Crown of Creation is located to the north. Far, far to the north. Somewhere in the snow-buried Shiver City…

“And I think that’s wrap for tonight. Very well done, everypony. You managed to finish your first session with only one death,” announced Mrs. Mash.

“It would have been zero if I hadn’t rolled so many bucking crit fails,” grumbled Scootaloo.

“Anyways, what did you two think? Did you have fun?” asked Button Mash.

“Yeah. This was fun. Kind of like tellin’ a story together,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yep. I’m definitely up for doing this again sometime, though hopefully without another spider incident,” declared Sweetie Belle.

“I’m glad to hear that. Maybe we can continue same time next week?” suggested Mrs. Mash.

“Sounds good to me. I need to redeem myself. I can’t believe how badly things went for me today,” added Scootaloo.

“Everyone has bad rounds, Scootaloo. Though I have to agree, six crit fails and the only death can leave a great deal to be desired,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Ain’t that the truth,” mumbled Scootaloo, though she didn’t press the matter further.

“I’m good for next week, too,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Same here. Maybe we can make this a regular thing?” suggested Apple Bloom.

“That’d be wonderful! And it’d give these two young lovebirds more time together too,” added Mrs. Mash.

“She/He is not my filly/coltfriend!” objected Sweetie Belle and Button Mash at the same time.

Giggles were had around the table.

Author's Note

Fun Fact: I have never played a game of D&D, or any other tabletop in my life. Which is why I am certain to get numerous comments on what I got wrong (I'm at least positive that wasting a magic missile is never a good idea at lower levels, and that a golem is not an actual playable class/race).

Also fun fact: I am not making this a regular thing. I have maybe three more O&O chapters, but that'll be later. Like the Diamond Tiara chapters, they will be sprinkled in as we go along (just putting this here as a quick apology for those looking forward to more Diamond. Her journey of self discovery is going to be a bit of slow burn).

In other news, URBC was featured in a mega-cross over! It's only 4 chapters in, so feel free to give it a look if you're curious. Link's here.

Chapter 3: Discord does an Oopsie

It was a beautiful day outside. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and everything pointed to a calm, pleasant afternoon.

Except the fact that it was Saturday, which meant there was roughly a 99.999% chance that something was about to go down. Which in turn meant that everypony in town was placing bets on what was going to happen this week. The CMC were no exception. They just had to make sure their sisters never found out.

“Alright, what’s the wager this time?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Two bits on monster attack. We’ve had one the past two weeks, and rule of three should ensure we get a third,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Nah, it’s going to be a low key friendship problem. Things have been a little too crazy lately. We’re due for a slow week,” said Scootaloo.

“Too crazy for Ponyville? There’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one,” said Sweetie Belle with a giggle.

“Again with the dictionary stuff, Sweetie Belle?” asked Scootaloo.

“I’m a robot. Stereotypically, I am a walking embodiment of a dictionary,” replied Sweetie Belle.

“Ah dunno, fancy words like that just make ya sound more like Twilight than a thinkin’ machine,” added Apple Bloom.

“There’s a difference?” asked Scootaloo.

The three of them broke into giggles.

“Anyway, back to our bet, Ah’m gonna wager it’s gonna involve somepony we haven’t seen in a long time. Like maybe Trixie or Thorax,” said Apple Bloom.

“You sure you wanna go with ‘somepony’? Might be ‘someone’ instead. Like Discord?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Discord? Really?” asked Scootaloo.

“Yeah, good point. It might be someone like Discord…” said Apple Bloom.

There was a loud snap.

“Did someone call me? You did chant my name three times in the middle of a bet,” said Discord.

The three fillies stared at the spirit of chaos that had spontaneous appeared in their clubhouse, wearing a business suit a holding a calculator in one claw. They hadn’t seen this coming, and they were still a little wary of the “reformed” draconequus.

Even so, Sweetie Belle couldn’t help herself.

“Uh… is that really a thing, or did you just make that up?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Is there a difference? I honestly can’t tell. Though I suppose the three name chant is a bit of a cliche, so I’d best be rid of it,” replied Discord.

Discord snapped his fingers and his attire vanished.

“At any rate, how’s my favorite little trio of chaos spawn doing this fine day?” asked Discord.

That comment earned him three glares.

“There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don’t even know where to begin. And you better not turn us into weird mismatched creatures to make your point,” said Scootaloo.

“Yeah. Didn’t Fluttershy make you promise to leave us alone?” added Sweetie Belle.

“I promised I wouldn’t cause you three any grief. I never said anything about stopping by for a friendly chat. And besides, why would I need to turn you three into anything? You’re already far from typical ponies, aren’t you?” said Discord.

The CMC shared an awkward look. He had a point there.

“Whatever. So if you really only came by to chat, what exactly do you want to talk about?” asked Scootaloo.

“Eager to be rid of me already? Oh, how very heartbreaking,” said Discord.

His chest then proceeded to crumble away, leaving a heart shaped hole (the organ, not the symbol).

“Yes, I am. We’re kind of in the middle of something, so we’d appreciate it if you’d kindly get lost,” said Scootaloo.

“But couldn't this technically be considered a low key monster attack involving someone we haven’t seen in a while? Wouldn’t that make the bet a three way tie?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Oh, pah. Ties are merely a polite way of say “we’re all equally inadequate.” It’s why business ponies insist on wearing them,” said Discord.

The clubhouse was silent for a moment.

“Ah can’t tell if that pun was clever, or just dumb,” said Apple Bloom.

“Why not both?” asked Discord.

The three fillies sighed. Discord replied by snapping a chair made of cheese into existence and taking a seat.

“Look, I am well aware that you don’t have a very high opinion of me at the moment, but you know that your little secrets aren’t the only reason I like you three so much. Surely you must be aware of how much chaos your hunt for butt tattoos tends to cause. Especially considering it was you three who gave me that little push to break free that day in the gardens,” said Discord.

“Yeah, we know. And I’m pretty sure that was the reason why Fluttershy made you promise to leave us alone,” said Scootaloo.

“Not to mention what you did to us as a ‘thank you’ present,” added Apple Bloom.

“What was up with the plastic doll thing anyway?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Her friends looked at her with deadpan expressions.

“What? I’m just curious,” said Sweetie Belle with a shrug.

Discord chuckled and pulled out a small toy pony that looked a lot like Fluttershy, which he then proceeded to brush the mane of.

“Oh, just a bit of meta humor. Something you need not concern your simple three-dimensional minds about. And in hindsight, I have to admit it wasn’t my greatest performance. Probably should have saved that one for Sun Bottom. At least then she’d have turned pink as a bonus,” said Discord.

The three fillies got the impression that whatever Discord was talking about, they were better off not knowing.

“And before you ask, I didn’t try anything relating to your little secrets as at the time only one of you was aware of your condition, and one of you had yet to take an unfortunate walk in the woods. And you do know how much I despise spoilers,” said Discord.

“We don’t know, actually,” commented Apple Bloom.

Discord stashed the Fluttershy toy away with the uttermost care, and tossed the brush out the window without a second glance.

“Details. But that’s enough about back then. Let’s talk about the Here and Now. The Here is that we have three little chaos prone fillies, and the Now is that all three are perfectly aware of their own uniqueness. And that gives me an idea for a little chaos that I think you three will enjoy,” said Discord.

The CMC were immediately put on edge.

“A little chaos? Discord, what are you planning? You promised you wouldn’t...” said Scootaloo.

“Oh, I’m not going to cause you any grief. We’re just going to play a fun little game of ‘Musical Abnormalities,” said Discord, cracking his knuckles.

“Musical Ab… wait, no! Discord, don’t!” cried Sweetie Belle.

Discord snapped his fingers.

Big Mac blinked as a brush came flying out of nowhere and got stuck in his mane.

“Huh,” said Big Mac.

It wasn’t the weirdest thing to hit him in the head while he was working.

As he reached up and pulled it out, his orange locks suddenly started flowing, turning his short, neat cut into long flowing curls. Big Mac, lacking a mirror, didn’t notice. Thinking the comb must be one of his sisters, he just pocketed it and continued on his way.

He did notice the sensation of his now luscious mane bobbing as he walked, though.

Discord looked down in shock. Instead of seeing three swapped up fillies looking down at themselves in surprise and fascination, there were three swapped up fillies on the ground in various degrees of agony.

Sweetie Belle was the best off. The swap had turned her into a ghoul, resulting in a rather eye catching contrast between her blackened coat and her bright pink and purple mane. However, at that moment her burnt, ghoulish form was curled up in a ball as he hugged herself tightly while shivering uncontrollably.

“C-C… Cold... So… Cold….” she managed to stutter between her clamoring teeth.

Scootaloo, meanwhile, was now a shiny orange robot. A robot that was currently lying on the ground, holding her head, and starting into space in utter terror. Worse, she was repeating the same sentence, over and over, getting louder with every repeat.

“I can’t hear them. I can’t hear them! I CAN’T HEAR THEM!” she cried.

But by far the worst was Apple Bloom. The yellow changeling wasn’t curled up in a ball, but that was likely because she was currently incapable of doing so. She was spasming uncontrollably, her eyes going in wild directions, and random sounds were pouring out of her mouth. It was as if she was suffering a seizure.

“Buhgotahneistujaiaramarmarmeh...” Apple Bloom slurred.

Discord looked between the ball of shivering undead, the screaming robot, and the flailing changeling. All of which were clearly suffering, which he had promised not to cause.

“Oops,” said Discord.

He quickly snapped his fingers again, turning them all back to (relative) normal.

“Fluttershy and company are going to kill me for this…” he mumbled.

Some time later, Big Mac checked himself in the mirror. He had to admit, his mane didn’t look that bad like this. His long, curly mane was simply glamorous. Hay, if he applied some lipstick and eye shadow, maybe add in a dress, he might just be able to pass as a mare.

Not that he was planning on doing that. Nope.

Still, it was apparent that the brush in question was enchanted. Which meant that there were probably rules that needed to be followed to use it properly. As nice as this alternate manestyle was, he really didn’t want to end up stuck with it. As a result, he needed to take it to an expert before messing with it.

Of course, this meant he was going to have to go into town to speak with Twilight about it.

“Hm…” Big Mac put a hoof to his mouth in thought.

While he pondered how to do so without making a scene, he heard a loud shout in the distance.

“You did WHAT?!” cried Applejack.

The three fillies were wrapped up in blankets, holding cups of hot chocolate. Sweetie Belle was still shivering, though it was more from the memory than actually being cold. Scootaloo’s eyes were closed, as she was currently deep in conversation with the hivemind. And Apple Bloom, poor Apple Bloom, was still staring to space with unseeing eyes.

They didn’t say anything for some time, just trying to recover from the experience they had just gone through.

That, and listen to the sound of their sisters beating the snot out of Discord outside the clubhouse.

*Pow!*

“You inconsiderate, uncivilized, utterly barbaric…” ranted Rarity.

“I said I was sorry!” said Discord.

*Crunch!*

“My fourth spleen!” cried Discord.

It was rather satisfying to hear, but the recent trauma was still overwhelming. Sweetie Belle shivered and pulled her blanket closer. She was never going to be able to look at Apple Bloom the same way again.

Suddenly, the undead filly gave a gasp, and blinked rapidly. She then groaned and put a hoof to the side of her head.

“Ugh… mah head hurts. What the hay just happened?” asked Apple Bloom.

Seeing as Scootaloo was still out of it, Sweetie Belle forced herself to speak.

“D-Discord swapped our s-secrets,” stuttered Sweetie Belle.

“Ah know that, but what happened to me? One second Ah’m wonderin’ if Ah’m gonna end up a robot or changeling, and the next thing Ah know Ah just… lost mahself,” said Apple Bloom.

“You were overwhelmed by the hivemind,” answered Scootaloo.

The other crusaders turned to Scootaloo who still had her eyes closed.

“Connecting to a hivemind isn’t as simple as hearing voices in your head. If you aren’t expecting it, the sheer amount of thoughts and ideas can drown out your own mind. You were on the ground, spasming as countless signals forced their way into your brain,” said Scootaloo.

Scootaloo let out a sigh.

“You got lucky, Apple Bloom. That sort of feedback can cause serious damage if it goes on for too long. Of course, now that you’re a ghoul again, your brain probably just healed up whatever harm might have happened. But I still almost put you in the hospital because I happened to be a changeling and Discord thought it’d be funny to turn you into one,” said Scootaloo.

Scootaloo paused to open her eyes and look at Apple Bloom, her expression full of guilt.

“It’s my fault. I didn’t realize what Discord meant by Musical Abnormalities until it was too late to warn the hive. If they had know what was about to happen, we would have been able to isolate you and keep you from being overwhelmed, but we didn’t. I’m sorry you had to go through that, Apple Bloom,” said Scootaloo.

The clubhouse was silent for a moment.

*Crunch!*

“Are you quite finished yet?! I can’t feel anything below my kidneys!” said Discord.

Apple Bloom let out a sigh.

“It’s fine, Scootaloo. Ah know your hive didn’t mean to hurt me. And Ah’m better now, so it’s all good. Ah can’t even remember what it was like, to be honest,” said Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo gave her a relieved smile.

“What about you, Scootaloo? What happened to you?” asked Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo’s smile turned into a sigh.

“I didn’t even notice. I was just consumed by the silence of being disconnected from the hivemind,” answered Scootaloo.

“You got robot, for the record. And was it really that painful to be alone in your mind?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“I don’t think I can properly explain what it’s like to you two. It was… like being blinded when you’ve been able to see your entire life, but even stronger. I just… I just can’t imagine how anyone can go through life without it. Even Thorax, and he had to grow up under Chrysalis,” said Scootaloo.

“Huh. Considerin’ how much ya complain about it, Ah thought ya’d appreciate gettin’ a small break for sharin’ your mind. Especially from Twitch,” said Apple Bloom.

“Look, it’s a changeling thing. You wouldn’t understand. I just want to forget what it was like without the hivemind, and think Thorax was even more messed up by his mom than I thought,” said Scootaloo.

“I wish I could forget what I went through, too,” said Sweetie Belle.

Her friends turned towards her in concern.

“How can you stand it, Apple Bloom? How can you go so long without going insane from the cold? My insides felt like they were frozen. I couldn’t feel my heart beating no matter how much I felt like panicking. I felt…” Sweetie Belle paused to shiver again.

“Dead?” suggested Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle blushed, but nodded.

“Yeah, it was really rough at first. Ah remember how Ah wanted to just light a fire and jump into it. Ah even did once, though all it did was leave me with severe burns and smellin’ even more like burnt meat. The cold just reaches into places that have no business bein’ cold. Especially your heart,” said Apple Bloom.

The ghoul put a hoof to her chest.

“That part always stands out to ya, especially when ya know it should be beatin’ away like mad. It ain’t natural for your chest to be still right after a long run, but then again, there ain’t much natural about bein’ undead. There ain’t nothin’ Ah can do to change it, so Ah just did the only thin Ah could: Ah got used to it,” said Apple Bloom.

“Really? You got used to… that?” asked Sweetie Belle in surprise.

“Yep. It took ages, but Ah did. Ah got used to the cold, and it sort of faded away to a dull numbness that Ah barely notice anymore. And to be honest, Ah’ve kind of forgotten what it was like to have a heartbeat. It’s weird and Ah’m not happy about it, but Ah haven’t exactly had much of a choice,” said Apple Bloom.

The room fell silent once again, though now the fillies felt much better. In fact, it almost felt like they’d grown a little closer to each other from the experience. Or at least, they had a better idea of what each other was going through.

*Pow!*

“Um, girls, don’t you think that’s enough? I agree he needs to be punished, but don’t you think this is a little much?” asked Fluttershy.

“Not at all, Fluttershy. He’ll just snap his fingers and be healed up when we’re done anyway,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt…” said Discord.

“Which is why we’re doing this. Now say goodbye to your kneecaps, chucklehead,” said Rainbow.

*Bonk!*

Some time later, Discord’s butt had been sufficiently kicked. It was agreed that it was an honest mistake on his part, but he still shouldn’t have tried to pull such a stunt in the first place. He was let off with a harsh warning, some private punishment from Fluttershy, and reinforced suspicions from everyone else. It would be some time before any of them trusted him with anything.

But after heads had sufficiently cooled and the three fillies were making their way through town for some ice cream, the Sweetie Belle realized something.

“You know, now that I think about it, I can kind of see where Discord was coming from. I mean, we’ve all must have wondered at some point what it’s like to have each other’s conditions, right? And if he has the power to move curses around like that...” said Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, but the problem is that our conditions aren’t exactly pleasant secrets. And it’s not very fun to have to deal with someone else’s problems. And after today, I think we can agree that we are not going to look for a way to swap curses again. If such a thing even exists, I for one want nothing to do with it,” said Scootaloo.

“Yeah. Ah’d rather not either. This just doesn’t seem like somethin’ we should do again,” said Apple Bloom.

“Well, duh. I wasn’t talking about that. I was just thinking, if Discord can change up curses like that, do you think he has the ability to remove them?” said Sweetie Belle.

The three fillies stopped in their tracks to ponder this.

“Well, I mean, it’s not really a question of if he can. It’s more of a question of if he ever will. I’ve read that Chaos magic isn’t something you can easily control. It tends to be very sporadic, fickle, and can slip out of your hooves very quickly. Even Discord only has so much control what his power actually does. We’d probably have to set up a situation where it’d be funny if our curses were broken, but do you think we could actually pull something like that off, and turn back to normal?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom looked thoughtful, but Scootaloo just shook her head.

“Even if he could, I wouldn’t be interested. I’ve never been ashamed of being a changeling, and I see no reason why I’d want to stop being one. Especially now that my friends know I am one, and are still my friends,” said Scootaloo.

“Well, Ah might go for it, but Ah dunno if that’s a good idea. Ah mean, when Ah try to think of somethin’ where it’d be funny to stop bein’ undead, Ah just think of how it’d be when Ah’d definitely want to be undead. Ya know, somthin’ bad that Ah wouldn’t walk away from otherwise? Ah think it’d be best not to push it,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, and I guess I’m still not sure if being a robot is key for whatever destiny I have waiting for me. Probably not a good idea to mess around with it,” added Sweetie Belle.

“Yep. besides, after the thrashin’ he took, there’s no way in Tartarus Discord’s ever gonna consider pullin’ a stunt like…” said Apple Bloom.

She was interrupted when someone bumped into her.

“Watch it!” said Murphy Law.

The three fillies looked in horror as Ponyville’s lawyer walked past them.

“Well, crap,” said Scootaloo.

Big Mac looked down at the brush. After she was done with Discord, Twilight had given it a look over and said it was just a matter of brushing his mane one way or the other to change it back and forth. So… now what? Should he try having a long mane every once in a while? Or just use it when no one was looking? Or maybe go even further and...

Big Mac shook his head. That was a decision for another day. There had been enough excitement already, and his sister might just lose her mind if another member of the family got caught up in something weird.

He ran the brush backwards through his mane, causing it to shrink back down into his usual style. It wasn’t as fancy, but at the end of the day, Big Mac was still a farmer, and fancy manes didn’t really belong on the farm. At least, not during work hours. Maybe on a day off he could let Glamour Mac out and…

Horse apples, he already had a name for it.

Author's Note

Yeah, curse swapping isn't as fun as it sounds. Or then again, maybe it is. "Curse Swapping" doesn't exactly sound like something you'd get your friends together to do on a Saturday... Intentionally, at any rate.

I was originally planning on something like this being in the original story, but then I figured it would have killed the momentum of the final act, so I never bothered writing it. Feel free to consider this canonically happening before Twilight's ascension.

Also, curse you, muse! I just needed a side event for a scene transaction! I didn't need a subplot about Big Mac being fabulous! You didn't even bother giving me anywhere to go with this that doesn't already happen in canon! Ugh...

Chapter 4: How to Make An Apple Meat Pie

One day, the CMC failed to show up for school. Anyone who spoke with their sisters were informed that they were “busy,” but would return the next day.

Sure enough, they arrived the following morning, but everypony was surprised to see that Apple Bloom entered the schoolhouse without her bow, leaving her undead form plain to see. Just as plain, in fact, as the look of utmost displeasure on her face. Despite the entire class looking at her in surprise, she didn’t say a word on her appearance, or why she’d been absent.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo entered behind her and didn’t say anything either. Their expressions were probably worse than Apple Bloom’s. The three of them just went to their desks and took their seats. Despite the overwhelming curiosity in the classroom, none of their classmates had the guts to ask what had happened.

Cheerilee, however, still had a class to teach, and this tension did not make for a productive learning environment.

“Er… is everything alright, Apple Bloom?” asked Cheerilee.

Apple Bloom let out a sigh, which came out sounding somewhat like a growl. It was impossible to tell if this was because of her mood, or her curse.

“Ah’m fine. Ah just lost mah bow. Ah’m stuck like this until Twilight finishes enchantin’ a new one for me,” she explained.

“Oh? How’d you lose it?” asked Dinky.

“Y’all don’t want to know,” answered Apple Bloom.

The classroom was silent for a moment. Several ponies opened their mouths to ask, but then Apple Bloom’s friends spoke up.

“She’s right, you really don’t want to know,” said Sweetie Belle.

“We were there, we know what happened, and we wish we didn’t,” added Scootaloo.

Again the room fell silent, but now the curiosity in the building was simply overwhelming. Everypony just had to know.

Apple Bloom could see this on the expressions of everyone in the classroom, including Cheerilee, so she just let out another sigh.

“Alright, fine. Ah’ll give ya the short version, but don’t say Ah didn’t warn ya,” she announced.

Two days ago…

While it could be said that the CMC had given up on their quest for cutie marks, this was only true in the sense of actually acquiring said marks. They were still very eager to set out and try new things. And as a result, they were still more than capable of getting into trouble.

Though to be fair, this particular sort of trouble was hardly CMC exclusive.

“Ok, one last time. Helmets and safety pads on and secure?” asked Sweetie Belle.

The three fillies gave their safety gear some quick tugs.

“Check,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Pillows set up in expected landing site, and most likely places for us to end up if something goes wrong?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo looked down the hill at the stack of pillows, and glanced at the other pillows scattered around, mostly in front of trees.

“Check,” answered Scootaloo.

“And most importantly, no sign of Murphy Law?” asked Sweetie Belle.

She pulled out a pair of binoculars and peered out towards town hall.

“Check. He’s still arguing with the mayor. We’re good to go,” she announced.

With a smirk, Scootaloo pulled down her goggles and got into position behind the wagon.

“Ready girls?” asked Scootaloo.

“Ready!” said Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.

“Alright, here we go!” cried Scootaloo.

She gave the wagon a mighty push, making sure to aim for the ramp at the bottom of the hill before jumping on. Gravity took over from there, and things went downhill fast. Literally, and figuratively.

“Do Ah even want to know what happened this time?” asked Applejack.

“To be honest, probably not,” admitted Sweetie Belle.

Applejack sighed as she looked around at the damage. Once again, the CMC had left a rather impressive wave of destruction in their wake. The only consolation was the, now normal, lack of tree sap. Something about the three of them sharing their secrets magically made that stuff vanish from their lives.

Applejack wasn’t complaining. This was Ponyville, after all. It wasn’t a question of whether some disaster would strike, but rather how much would have to be cleaned up afterwards.

“Let’s see… Barn’s collapsed again, half the sheep have run off, gonna need a whole bunch of hammers and tape to fix that wheelbarrow, and Apple Bloom…” Applejack paused.

“And Apple Bloom’s kind of… besides herself right now?” said Sweetie Belle with an awkward smile.

That was one way to describe the fact that Apple Bloom was currently reduced to a pile of burnt looking ghoul flesh. Said pile was still moving and making strange, nauseating sounds. It would be horrifying, except that Applejack knew that Apple Bloom would be fine once she was put back together. It was genuinely surprising what the undead filly could walk away from these days.

“Yeah… besides herself. Ah know she ain’t in serious trouble or nothin,’ but how the hay did she end up like this? This is even worse than that time she fell off the barn. Y’all were just ridin’ a wagon down a hill, right?” asked Applejack.

“Well…” started Sweetie Belle.

She paused at the sound of Scootaloo making another sacrifice to Nurgle in a nearby bush. Or at least, Sweetie Belle hoped it was Nurgle. She doubted any other god, fictional or otherwise, would care for that much vomit. It was apparent that Scootaloo’s stomach didn’t agree with Apple Bloom’s current status as meat paste.

“So… you know how Big Mac borrowed that fancy new wood chipper to get rid of that dead tree? And he was storing it in the barn?” explained Sweetie Belle.

Applejack let out another sigh.

“Ah think Ah get the picture. Ah don’t know how y’all managed to turn the dang thing on by accident, but Ah have to admit Ah’m glad it was Apple Bloom and not you or Scootaloo. At least mah sister’s still alive after that, or at least she ain’t no less alive than before she went through it,” said Applejack.

Instead of turning pale or wincing, Sweetie Belle actually blushed. Applejack noticed.

“Wait… Don’t tell me…” said Applejack.

“Well, her head was already stuck in it, judging from how her skull was sort of…” Sweetie Belle started to explain.

Scootaloo loudly gave another heave. Applejack just facehooved.

“Sweetie Belle, do ya mean to tell me that ya intentionally sent mah sister through a wood chipper?” asked Applejack.

“Well… for a certain definition of intentionally, I guess,” admitted Sweetie Belle with awkward smile.

Applejack let out another sigh. Did any of her cousins have to deal with something like this on a regular basis?

“Ma, if ya slip one more doggy treat in mah lunch tah prove Ah’m a werewolf, Ah swear…”

“Did ya at least remember to take her bow off first?” asked Applejack.

This question gave Sweetie Belle pause.

“Oh… right. Forgot about that. OK, that was definitely a mistake on our part, and we probably should have thought of that,” admitted Sweetie Belle.

The expression on Applejack’s face was so deadpan it could have cooked an expired animal.

“Great. That’s just great. Now Ah’ll have to swing by the library and let Twilight know she needs to enchant another bow. In the meantime, Ah expect the three of ya to clean this all up. And that means puttin’ Apple Bloom back together first,” declared Applejack.

“Well, yeah. That was the plan. It might take awhile for me to do it by myself, though. I don’t think Scootaloo’s going to be able to help me much while she’s, you know, busy...” said Sweetie Belle as she glanced towards her still-in-one-piece friend.

Scootaloo groaned before tossing her cookies once again.

At this point, several ponies in the class had turned green, and a few had already dashed off for the bathroom.

“I… think that’s quite enough, Apple Bloom. I believe we all get the picture,” said Miss Cheerilee in as calm a voice as she could manage.

“Aw… but I wanna know what happens next,” said Snails.

The rest of the class simply glared at him.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh.

“Look, if you really want to know, we’ll explain at recess. And yes, this is why we were absent yesterday,” said Sweetie Belle.

“It took you two days to put Apple Bloom back together?” asked Cheerilee.

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” said Sweetie Belle.

It was not the first time Sweetie Belle had reassembled her ghoul friend, and it likely would not be the last. It was, however, the grossest endeavor to date. It didn’t help that Scootaloo was still busy trying to get her stomach to settle.

“Bleh. When I asked you ‘what’s in your head’ the other day, I didn’t mean it literally, Apple Bloom,” grumbled Sweetie Belle.

At the moment, Sweetie Belle was just trying to sort the pile of undead pony meat (and pieces of shredded ribbon), which was every bit as disgusting as it sounded. Not to mention the rotten smell that had only got stronger the longer she worked.

“Mumf… mulllf… malllll…” groaned the pile of Apple Bloom.

“I’m working on it, Apple Bloom. Can you just wait until I’ve put your mouth back together before you start complaining? I can’t understand a word you’re saying” said Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo, meanwhile, gagged as she struggled not to make yet another sacrifice to the Plague Lord.

It then occurred to Sweetie that she’d actually taken some geek culture she’d learned from Button Mash to heart if she was making a reference like that. She wasn’t entirely sure if it was good sign to be referencing a series that dark, though. What did it say about her if that was the fictional universal that stuck in her memory?

Then again, it might just be on her mind because she was in the middle of the morbid task of assembling her undead friend. Funny, that almost made it sound like she was a mad scientist, putting all the pieces together in the right…

“Wait…I’m not a doctor. I can’t tell which part goes where. And if Apple Bloom can’t help me when she’s in pieces like this, how the hay am I supposed to put her back together properly?” asked Sweetie Belle.

…

“I think… *ulp*… we need… a professional…” choked out Scootaloo.

She then proceeded to once again paint the floor with her stomach.

“After she was finished puking, Scootaloo headed to the hospital to grab a doctor, while I had to stay and make sure nothing tried to eat Apple Bloom. Unfortunately, no pony at the hospital knew how to reassemble a brain. So, eventually we had to send a letter to Princess Celestia asking for a doctor who knew what to do, and he didn’t arrive until the following morning,” said Sweetie Belle.

There were far fewer ponies still listening to the story as this point, but she still had a bit of a crowd in the playground.

“OK, and you had to help put Apple Bloom together, which is why you were absent yesterday. But did it really take you the whole day, even with a Canterlot doctor helping?” asked Snips.

“Have you ever tried to reassemble a zombie, Snips? Do you have any idea how hard and disgusting it is?” asked Scootaloo.

“Uh… No,” answered Snips.

“Then trust us when we say it was a miracle it only took us one day,” said Scootaloo.

“Try bein’ the one who needed to be put back together. Ah swear, it was worse than gettin’ lost in the hivemind,” grumbled Apple Bloom.

“...and there we go. She should be coherent now, if a little disoriented from being in pieces for so long,” said Dr. Direct Stylus.

With a rather nauseating squish, the last of Apple Bloom's head was put back together.

Apple Bloom let out a groan of misery, her eyes rolling in their sockets as she struggled to regain her bearings.

Her friends weren’t much better off. Sweetie Belle’s face was a little green, though she managed to keep herself from throwing up. Scootaloo, meanwhile, had already lost that struggle. And what little of her breakfast she had left.

“Ugh. I can’t believe you were able to do that. I don’t think I could even touch somepony’s brain like that, let alone put it back together. And how the hay were you able to tell which parts of her brain were which?” asked Sweetie Belle.

"Oh, well, I am a royal surgeon. You don’t get to the top of the medical world without knowing a thing or two. Though I have to admit, reassembling an undead brain was certainly a new experience for me. Usually such things are the Dark Magic Department’s responsibility,” said Dr Stylus.

“Really? Then why did they send you instead?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Well, working on a shredded body is definitely a medical problem and not a magic one, but I’m not entirely sure. Something about “experience with the unusual,” I think. And I admit I have dealt with some bizarre medical conditions in the past, like the razor parasites, the heart spider, and that weird triangle infection. Seriously, that one was strange. How the hay does a viral infection form a perfectly symmetrical triangle pattern like that?” asked Dr. Stylus.

“Magic?” offered Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo just groaned, struggling to hold back another wave of nausea. She dearly wished she could be anywhere else at the moment, loyalty to her friend be darned. She wasn’t even able to help because she was too busy puking her guts out.

“Perhaps. Well, at any rate, we’re making progress. How are you feeling, Apple Bloom?” asked Dr. Stylus.

Apple Bloom let out another groan, but then blinked and looked around.

“Ugh… what the hay happened? Ah feel like Ah went through a woodchipper, and mah brain got reduced to mush,” said Apple Bloom

Sweetie Belle gave an awkward laugh. Dr. Stylus rubbed the back of his head. Scootaloo’s stomach decided it was time for her to start emptying it again.

“Ok, that’s either a bit of mah liver, or mah right kidney,” said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle looked down at the bit of Apple Bloom in question.

“Your right kidney? Why not your left kidney?” asked Sweetie Belle.

It’s a ghoul thing. Ah get a feelin’ of where the bits go, but not exactly. Ah can tell it goes on mah right side, but Ah ain’t sure which,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Hm, I think I overheard some ponies from the Dark Magic Department talking about that in the coffee room once. “Darkness Infused Enhanced… Detection, I think?” said Dr. Stylus.

“Yeah. Ah just sort of know where things go. Kinda,” said Apple Bloom.

“Well, at any rate, I’m fairly certain this is a piece of liver. Though I must admit, it’s rather difficult for even me to tell with how burnt it looks,” admitted Dr. Stylus.

“Well, it’s not like the pieces get stuck together. I guess if we pick wrong we can just pull it back out and…” started Sweetie Belle.

She paused as Scootaloo demonstrated that changelings had pretty strong stomachs. Strong in the sense that they could make a lot of bile.

Everyone turned to her in concern.

“OK, seriously Scootaloo. This is getting ridiculous. This is disgusting, yes, but you’ve done nothing but be sick and puke for two days now. Do you have the flu or something?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo turned to look at them, green in the face.

“I… don’t do well with gore, OK? There was this one incident with Twitch that even he thought went way too far and… *ulp*...” said Scootaloo.

The memory of that incident made her turn and give the bush another coat. Her friends looked at each other in concern, but also understanding.

“Geez, Ah don’t wanna even imagine what Twitch would consider ‘too far.’ Must of been outright traumatizin’,” said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle let out a shiver, and nodded in agreement.

“Yeah. Though you know, it seems like a lot of her problems tend to have something to do with Twitch,” noted Sweetie Belle.

“Ah can’t say Ah surprised,” deadpanned Apple Bloom.

Somewhat confused, Dr. Stylus gave an awkward cough.

“Well, at any rate, we’d best get to work and ease her suffering. The sooner we finish assembling Apple Bloom, the sooner Scootaloo’s stomach will settle down,” said Dr. Stylus.

By now, Snails was the only one still listening. Even Snips had opted to find something, anything, else to do than hear more gruesome details about what happened.

“So, yeah. Apple Bloom spent the last two days pulling herself together, Scootaloo spent the last two days puking, and I spent the last two days doing all the work with Dr. Stylus,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Most of the work. After Ah was whole again we had to fix everythin’ else we broke. Applejack was right, it took a whole lot of duct tape to fix that wheelbarrow,” added Apple Bloom.

“At least Dr. Stylus volunteered to help us. Seriously, the guy was just so nice and helpful,” said Sweetie Belle.

“He’s a doctor, Sweetie Belle. Helping others is kind of his job,” said Scootaloo.

“Yeah, but he only came out here to help with putting Apple Bloom back together. He didn’t need to do more, but he did anyway,” said Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, ignored her friends arguing, and turned towards Snails.

“So yeah, that’s about it. Anything else ya wanna know?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Nah. I’m good. Thanks for the story, Apple Bloom,” said Snails.

“You’re welcome, Ah guess. Ah can’t believe somepony wanted to hear all of it,” said Apple Bloom.

“Oh, I didn’t. I turned my brain off when you got to the really nasty bits. I just wanted to know how the story ended,” said Snails with a goofy smile.

Apple Bloom stared at Snails in disbelief for a bit, then shook her head.

That was probably for the best, honestly.

Author's Note

It's an unfortunate fact of unlife: You spend enough time with a ghoul, things are going to get gross. Though hopefully not too gross. I made things kind of vague because I really want to avoid adding a gore tag...

By the way, Scootaloo's upset stomach wasn't a spur of the moment decision. Long time readers might recall she's always been kind of squeamish whenever Apple Bloom goes full undead, so this was just her reaching her limit.

And I seriously doubt a single individual reading this will recognize who Dr. Direct Stylus is a ponification of, even with the provided list of his greatest accomplishments. Why must so many of my favorite franchises be so dang obscure?

Chapter 5: Me and My... AI?

Another day, another page in Sweetie Belle’s manual. Though at this point, she was starting to suspect that the manual was enchanted in some way and was actually a lot thicker than it looked.

Seriously, just how many gadgets did they cram into her robot body?

“...allowing the user to be fully aware of the A.P.P.’s status,” read Sweetie Belle.

Putting her manual down on her bed, Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and concentrated.

Activate advanced HUD, thought Sweetie Belle.

There was a loud beep, and then Sweetie Belle’s vision was filled with various indicators, including a clock, a temperature gauge, and a bright green picture of herself that supposedly monitored her body’s condition. There was also a battery counter in the corner, which made Sweetie Belle scoff.

“Great. I can turn my life into a video game, complete with a health bar. Bet Button would get a kick out of this,” said Sweetie Belle to herself.

Then again, the colt seemed to get a kick out of most of Sweetie Belle’s gadgets. Everytime she showed him a new trick he’d get that adorable look of awe on his…

Sweetie Belle blushed and facehooved.

“Ugh, I get it, me. I know I think he’s cute. If I’m being completely honest with myself, some part of me does want to grow closer to him. But that doesn’t make him my coltfriend. We’re way too young for that stuff, even if it turns out he’s actually interested in me. We’re not becoming a couple anytime soon, so stop daydreaming about it,” she grumbled to herself.

The words Relationship Status Update: Button Mash is now your crush! appeared on the edge of her vision.

“Nopony asked you. Disable advanced HUD,” said Sweetie Belle with a huff.

A blink later, her vision was clear once more. Too bad this did nothing to clear her thoughts as well. With a resigned sigh, Sweetie Belle opened her manual and continued reading, hoping to find a distraction.

The next page drove all thoughts on puppy love from her mind.

“Direct System Interface?” Sweetie Belle asked out loud.

Intrigued, she read on.

“This program enables the M.P.S. user to establish a direct line of communication with their A.P.P. systems. This can be used to locate possible glitches, establish new protocols, or change settings that are proving difficult to adjust to desired parameters. Does this mean… I can speak directly with Sweetie Bot?” asked Sweetie Belle.

The idea was intriguing, but also terrifying. She’d always treated Sweetie Bot as some sort of automatic system, not a living being. But if she could actually run a program to talk with it, did that mean it was more than just a robotic voice in her head? And if it was more, did that mean she was sharing her body with some kind of artificial mind?

Dr. Brown hadn’t mentioned anything about the A.P.P. hosting an AI, but it wouldn’t be the first time T.I.M.E. had neglected to inform her of something. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, Sweetie Bell reached deep into her soul and pulled out all the courage she could muster.

“Alright, I really should figure this out as soon as I can. Putting it off won’t make Sweetie Bot any less alive than she already is, and Celestia knows I wouldn't want to be stuck as a voice in somepony else’s head. Activate Direct Interface,” said Sweetie Belle.

Her vision faded away to nothing.

When Sweetie Belle’s vision returned, she found herself in an empty black void. She looked around in confusion.

“This... doesn’t look like an interface. Did I activate the virtual reality program by accident?” asked Sweetie Belle.

But when she looked down at herself, she noticed something off about her legs. They seemed almost too soft. The now familiar ridges were no longer visible across her body.

“What the…” she mumble.

She tapped her legs together, and there was no soft clang of metal on metal. She quickly realized what it meant.

“I’m not a robot anymore? No, this has to be a dream or something. What the hay is this place?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“INITIALIZING DIRECT SYSTEM INTERFACE,” said a familiar monotone voice.

Sweetie Belle gave an yelp and looked around. The voice seemed to have come from everywhere at once.

“Sweetie Bot?” asked Sweetie Belle.

There was a slight glimmer in the air, and then Sweetie Belle found herself face to face with a copy of herself, in her full robot glory.

“INTERFACE COMPLETE. A.P.P. UNIT: SWEETIE BOT NOW READY FOR DIRECT COMMUNICATION,” said the robot.

Sweetie Belle blinked in confusion before she finally understood what was going on.

“Oh… I get it. This place is in my head, or something like that. I’m not a robot here because ‘I’ am my soul, and ‘you’ are the robot I’m plugged into or something like that,” she deduced.

“AFFIRMATIVE. THE DIRECT SYSTEM INTERFACE IS DESIGNED TO ENABLE M.P.S. USERS TO DIRECTLY COMMUNICATE WITH THEIR A.P.P.’S COMPUTATION SYSTEMS IN A MORE NATURAL MANNER. PLEASE STATE ANY INQUIRIES YOU MAY HAVE,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle just stared at the robot version of herself for a moment, trying to come up with a response to this.

“Uh… Hello?” said Sweetie Belle.

“HELLO,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle shook her head and tried to focus. She was having another conversation with her prosthetic body. And this time, it was talking back to her! Did this mean she really did have another full blown intelligence in her head this whole time?

“Um… what exactly are you?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“I AM A VIRTUAL PROGRAM DESIGNED TO MAKE THE FUNCTIONS OF THE A.P.P. SYSTEM MORE ACCESSIBLE TO ITS USER. AS VERY FEW BEINGS HAVE THE NECESSARY SKILLS AND EXPERIENCE TO WRITE OR CHANGE COMPUTER PROGRAMS, A MORE ‘DOWN TO EARTH’ SYSTEM WAS DEEMED NECESSARY AND MADE STANDARD IN EVERY A.P.P. UNIT,” answered Sweetie Bot.

“Oh. So you’re not actually the A.P.P., just something designed to help me manage the A.P.P. because I don’t know a thing about how robots work?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“AFFIRMATIVE. THIS PROGRAM HAS ACCESS TO ALL A.P.P. FUNCTIONS AND PROGRAMS. THIS INTERFACE MAY BE USED AS A MEANS OF DIRECT INTERACTION WITH ALL SYSTEMS WITHIN THIS A.P.P. UNIT,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh. That was good to know, but not exactly what she was asking about. She needed to be more direct and...

“THIS PROGRAM IS ALSO OUTFITTED WITH A COMEDY ROUTINE. WOULD YOU CARE TO HEAR A JOKE?” asked Sweetie Bot.

“Wait, what?” asked Sweetie Belle in surprise.

“WHY DID THE HORSE CROSS THE ROAD? BECAUSE THE CARRIAGE WASN’T GOING TO CROSS BY ITSELF. HA HA HA.” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow.

“Uh… OK. I’m not a comedian, but I’m fairly certain that wasn’t very funny,” said Sweetie Belle.

“THIS UNIT OFFERED TO TELL A JOKE. NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD JOKE,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle face hooved.

“OK, that was terrible. Whoever came up with that joke is a jerk, and I hope they got their butt kicked for teaching you that,” said Sweetie Belle.

“You’re a disgrace to all of us, Dainty Cook. I mean really, no one even knows what a carriage is these days, and the self-driving cars have been a thing for decades. No pony is going to even realize that was a joke at all, let alone one as bad as that,”

“That’s the point. And that’s why it’s genius,”

“Ugh...”

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh.

“Alright, how do I say this in a way that gets the answer I’m looking for? Are you alive? No, stupid question, you’re a robot. Are you… aware? Well, duh, you’re talking back to me. Are you… a… um…” Sweetie Belle tried to say.

“ANALYZING INQUIRIES… POSSIBLE INTENT IDENTIFIED. ARE YOU ASKING IF THIS UNIT IS SAPIENT?” asked Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle blinked, then facehooved.

“I can’t believe I forgot that word. I’m going to have turn in my ‘designated dictionary’ card… Wait, no, that’s a good thing. In your face Scootaloo! I’m not a dictionary! And yes, that’s what I’m asking. Are you sapient, Sweetie Bot?” asked Sweetie Belle.

This was it, the moment of truth.

“NEGATIVE. IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE ‘GHOST IN THE SHELL’ LAWS, A.P.P.’S ARE NOT PROGRAMMED WITH FULLY DEVELOPED AI’S,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“Ghost in the Shell laws?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“IT WAS DEEMED TOO CRUEL TO CONSTRAIN A SAPIENT AI TO DOING NOTHING BUT RUN THE PROGRAMS OF AN A.P.P. UNIT. NOT ONLY WOULD THIS RESTRICT THE AI’S ABILITY TO FUNCTION IN SOCIETY AT LARGE, IT WAS FOUND TO BE ‘DISTURBING’ FOR M.P.S. USERS TO SHARE THEIR BODY WITH ANOTHER INTELLIGENCE,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle’s jaw dropped.

“But… but you’re talking to me! You’re cracking horrible jokes! How can you not be some sort of AI?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“ALL INQUIRIES ARE MET WITH PRE-DESIGNATED RESPONSES, ALL OF WHICH HAVE BEEN COMPILED TO APPEAR MORE ‘NATURAL.’ THIS PROGRAM, AND THE ENTIRE A.P.P. SYSTEM, DO NOT POSSESS ANY FORM OF SAPIENCE. AS SUCH, PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT NOT EVERY QUESTION WILL HAVE AN AVAILABLE ANSWER,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle sat down in disbelief, trying to come to terms with this development.

“So everything you’ve said up to this point, all of it, was just a series of pre-recorded words? I’m just speaking with some kind of advanced automatic response?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“AFFIRMATIVE,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh. It took her a moment to realize it was a sigh of relief. She was not sharing a second mind in her body, and it was surprisingly comforting to hear. The interface had a point: being stuck in somepony's head centuries in the past sounded like it’d be rather boring. Especially consider Sweetie Belle had been unaware of her robot status for years.

Yeah, no AI in her head was probably for the best.

“DO YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER INQUIRIES?” asked Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle turned her attention back to the interface. Was there anything else she wanted to use this interface for while she had the chance? Well, there was that one inconvenience she wanted to do something about.

“Um, can you tell me more about the spoiler policy?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“MULTIPLE RESPONSES DETECTED. PLEASE SPECIFY YOUR INQUIRY,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow, but decided it wasn’t worth pushing.

“OK, please tell me more about the T.I.M.E. spoiler policy,” said Sweetie Belle.

“THE SPOILER PROTOCOL IS A T.I.M.E. POLICY ENACTED TO PREVENT TEMPORAL PARADOXES. WHILE NOT ALL INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE FUTURE POSES SERIOUS RISK OF SUCH HAZARDS, A ‘BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY’ APPROACH DEEMED SUCH BLOCKS NECESSARY,” said Sweetie Bot.

“I understand that much. What I want to know is if there’s some way you can inform me that something’s behind that block. I would have saved me a lot of trouble if I’d just been told that the information I’m searching for was unavailable instead of just turning up blank,” said Sweetie Belle.

“PROCESSING… POSSIBLE SOLUTION IDENTIFIED. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RECEIVE NOTIFICATION WHEN A SYSTEM BLOCK IS ENCOUNTERED?” asked Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle blinked. That was a lot easier than she thought it would be. She was kind of expecting a “nope, that’s not for you to know” sort of response. Maybe the spoiler policy wasn’t as stingy as she thought?

“Yes, That would be nice,” said Sweetie Belle.

There was a slight flicker in the void as Sweetie Belle felt something shift.

“NOTIFICATION SYSTEM UPDATED. THE USER WILL NOW BE INFORMED OF ANY SYSTEM BLOCKS ENCOUNTERED,” said Sweetie Bot.

“OK. Better test this. Um… what’s pie flavored pie?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“PROCESSING… ERROR. A SYSTEM BLOCK PREVENTS ACCESS TO THAT INFORMATION,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh of relief. Well, relief and disappointment. Seriously, what the buck did pie flavor taste like?

“Well, at any rate, that should do it. That’ll probably help me if I ever have to do another crazy information hunt. But, why wasn’t this the default setting? Isn’t this something I should have already had running?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“PROCESSING… ERROR. A SYSTEM BLOCK PREVENTS ACCESS TO THAT INFORMATION,” said Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie Belle facehooved.

“Right, because T.I.M.E. said so. Probably because that way it would take months to figure out T.I.M.E. existed, and apparently it was necessary to the timeline for me to struggle like that. Well, whatever. I think we’re done here. Thanks for the help, Sweetie Bot,” said Sweetie Belle.

“YOU’RE WELCOME. PLEASE REMEMBER TO DISABLE DIRECT SYSTEM INTERFACE WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED,” replied Sweetie Bot.

Sweetie rolled her eyes. How could she forget to turn off the thing keeping her in this empty void?

“Alright. Disable direct system interface,” said Sweetie Belle.

Her vision went dark once more.

Sweetie Belle opened her eyes, and saw she was back in her room. Well, back in the waking world, at any rate. She probably hadn’t moved an inch from her bed during her chat with Sweetie Bot.

She got up, stretched, and made her way to the mirror. The familiar robot filly within looked back at her.

“Welp, guess it’s really just me in here,” said Sweetie Belle.

And yet, she didn’t feel alone. After speaking with her interface directly, it was hard not to feel like the metal frame was alive in some way, even if it wasn’t a full blown AI. Maybe that “down-to-earth” approach really was effective.

*Grumble*

Sweetie Belle winced as her stomach started demanding food again.

“Clearly, far more effective than the rate I burn through calories with these gadgets. I just ate lunch, too,” mumbled Sweetie Belle.

Author's Note

When you stop to think about it, how fair would it be to force an AI into a suit/robot frame, only able to babysit the user? Especially in an age with the internet? This lack of consideration is the reason the robot uprising is inevitable.

Also, I apologize for how basic this chapter is. I've been working on a little side project with this AU that hopefully will be ready soon...

And won't suck...

Meanwhile, in a Seemingly Unimportant Valley...

Somewhere northeast of Canterlot was a small valley. This valley was rather unassuming, as it was out of the way and rarely had any visitors. Heck, the only thing that set it apart from any other valley was a spiral rock formation in the middle of the lake.

Indeed, they only ones who ever came to this place were the two ponies who called it home, and the Equestrian Postal Service. Which suited the two residents just fine.

“Good morning, Bear Bone!” said the mailpony as he landed next to the mailbox.

“Good morning,” replied Bear Bone with a smile.

Bear Bone was a large, brown, bear of an earth pony stallion. He towered over most ponies, and his bear tooth cutie mark made him quite intimidating. But anypony who meet him would quickly learn that he was a gentle giant.

The fact that several chunks of his body were missing was promptly ignored.

“Lots of mail today,” said the mailpony as he passed over a stack of letters.

“I see. Thanks again for coming all the way out here for us,” said Bear Bone.

“You say that every day, big guy. I keep telling you that this place is on the way to Applewood. It’s no trouble at all,” replied the mailpony.

“Nothing wrong with being polite and saying thank you,” replied Bear Bone with a chuckle.

“And your thanks is always appreciated. Anyway, catch you later,” said the mailpony as he flew off.

“See you around!” called Bear Bone.

He turned his attention to the mail.

“Let’s see… coupons… ad… bill… bill… oh, Kazi’s Firebug Monthly. She’ll be glad to see that… ad… ad… and a letter from Canterlot. Hm, that’s interesting,” he mumbled.

“Mail’s here, Kazi,” called Bear Bone as he stepped inside his house.

“Great. Is my issue here yet?” asked Kamikazi as she joined him.

Kamikazi was a small red pegasus with a yellow mane. Her explosion cutie mark suggested she was some sort of party pony, but it only took a look at her face to know what sort of mare she was: the kind that considered sarcasm and snark to be the only acceptable way to communicate. She was rude, loud, and a talented chemist with a knack for bombs.

And like her friend, she also had several chunks of flesh missing.

“Yes, actually. And a letter from Canterlot,” answered Bear Bone.

“Sweet, and meh. Probably just some museum begging us to share our loot again. As if we don’t already let them show off our stuff,” said Kamikazi as she snatched the magazine and flipped it open.

Bear Bone rolled his eyes, and turned his attention to the letter. He opened it, and began reading.

“Dear Sir Bear Bone and Miss Egg Yolk...” he read out loud.

Kamikazi let out a curse.

“Darn it! I thought I told them to change my legal name years ago,” commented Kamikazi.

Bear Bone ignored his friend and kept focused on the letter.

“This is a friendly reminded that it is nearing the time for your annual appointment with the Royal Dark Arts Department…” read Bear Bone.

“Ugh… those bozos again. I swear, they’re just looking for excuses to stare at my plot,” said Kamikazi.

“And that we have no interest in staring at miss Egg Yolk’s body…” read Bear Bone.

Kamikazi blinked in surprise, but then smirked.

“Well what do you know. I’ve got a reputation now,” said Kamikazi.

“You’ve had one for years, Kazi. We both know you framed that award for “most problematic rule follower” the department gave you,” pointed out Bear Bone.

“Yep. Been holding the title for thirty years and counting,” said Kamikazi.

Bear Bone turned back to the letter.

“As such, please make plans to arrive in Canterlot by the fifteenth of the following month. Be sure to bring appropriate parole requirements and other necessary paperwork. Make no attempt to hide signs of corruption before arriving, and please ensure miss Egg Yolk leaves her accessories at home this time,” finished Bear Bone.

Kamikazi sighed.

“Yeah, like it’s my fault those creeps decided to play with my bombs. And it wasn’t like anypony got hurt,” said Kamikazi.

“Most would consider getting frozen solid to an unpleasant experience, Kazi,” deadpanned Bear Bone.

“Visiting the dentist is an unpleasant experience, but no one says it’s OK to skip an appointment,” countered Kamikazi.

Bear Bone sighed and turned back to the letter.

“Thank you in advance for your cooperation on this matter, signed… a whole bunch of fancy signatures I can barely read. Well, I suppose a trip to Canterlot is next on the list then,” said Bear Bone.

“Eh, we’ve got a few weeks. I’d say we wait till the last minute to give those paperweights some excitement, but I know you’d never go for that. Anything else in the mail?” asked Kamikazi.

“Nothing but bills, ads, and coupons. All of which were addressed to us,” said Bear Bone.

“Good. That makes four days without another dang wrong address,” said Kamikazi.

Bear Bone nodded in agreement. For some reason, they’d been getting a lot of mail lately that wasn’t theirs. It was all supposed to go to some place called Spiral Mountain.

The most recent of such letters was sealed with red wax, bearing a symbol that almost looked like a cross centered on the bottom left corner…

Author's Note

Just a quick little thing I threw together in an afternoon due to OVERWHELMING HYPE!

*Ahem*

I mean, due to the fact that a certain duo may have been announced as DLC for a certain mass crossover game THAT IS NOW TRULY ULTIMATE!!!

*Ahem*

And, as I have a pair of ponified versions of said duo, I felt it fitting to write this to commemorate the occasion and bring these two back into the picture BECAUSE LIFE IS AWESOME AND MY CHILDHOOD IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Ahem*

But, yeah. Regular chapter updates will not be affected by this and I will have another chapter ready soon.

...

AFTER THE HYPE FADES!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Chapter 6: Oh yeah. Almost forgot about her...

“So… any idea what Scootaloo was so worked up about this morning?” asked Sweetie Belle as she and Apple Bloom made their way to the clubhouse.

“Ah think Ah might, but if Ah’m right then Ah don’t know why she’s worried. It’s not like we didn’t see this comin’,” said Apple Bloom while gesturing to the newspaper on her back.

“Oh, yeah. That. You don’t think she forgot that Blue Monarch told us this might happen, do you?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“Ah think there were a lot of things that happened that day she was tryin’ to forget,” replied Apple Bloom with a shrug.

“Yeah, that’s true. Celestia knows she’d rather we forget about the noodle incident,” said Sweetie Belle with a giggle.

With smiles on their faces, they reached the clubhouse.

“OK, we’ll let her speak. And if this really is about the news today, we’ll just ‘forget’ to remind her. Because considering what’s been happening lately, I think she’s under enough stress right now, and could use a break from the teasing,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Right. Best not make her feel like a complete moron just because she panicked a bit,” agreed Apple Bloom.

Alas, their efforts proved to be in vain.

Soul Eating Bug Monster’s Kangaroo Court: Cleared of all charges?!

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked at the newspaper’s front page in surprise, then looked at Scootaloo in disbelief.

“Really, Scootaloo? I mean, really?” deadpanned Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo let out a sigh.

“Chrysalis has been declared legally insane. I promise she’s not just being set free,” said Scootaloo.

“Oh, we know that. What’s on the newspaper isn’t the problem here,” said Sweetie Belle.

“The problem is that ya brought us a copy of The Daily Turnip to tell us this,” explained Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. The Daily Turnip is a conspiracy paper and everypony knows it. But it’s the only newspaper I get at my house, and I’m not wasting my valuable allowance on a different one,” replied Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle shared an uncertain look. They were still somewhat concerned about Scootaloo's choice of citation.

“Look, my aunt just likes having something to harmlessly complain about with her friends. She doesn’t actually believe a word that’s put on these pages, and neither do I. And besides, I only really brought this to prove I’m serious. I figured I’d just tell you girls everything myself,” reassured Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom gave an awkward cough, while Sweetie Belle awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck.

“OK, seriously, what’s the issue here?” demanded Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle gave Scootaloo deadpan glares.

“Pun not intended,” she quickly added.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh. So much for sparing Scootaloo’s dignity.

“Scoots, you know our sisters are subscribed to Equestria Daily, right?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“And Ah brought mah sister’s copy with me. Chrysalis is on the front cover, so ya didn’t really need to bring that stack of wasted paper and ink,” added Apple Bloom, pulling out the newspaper in question.

Scootaloo opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She then looked at the conspiracy paper in her hooves, and tossed it into the trash can.

“Great. I revealed that I get a garbage newspaper at my house for nothing. I’m not living this down for some time am I?” she grumbled.

“Considerin’ ya share a hivemind with Twitch, Ah’d say most likely not,” answered Apple Bloom, rather unhelpfully.

Former Tyrant Chrysalis Trial Concludes: She’s Completely Insane

After several long months of debate, the groundbreaking trial of Chrysalis, former royal changeling, finally came to an end yesterday with rather shocking results: The defendant has been declared clinically insane and cleared of all charges.

“It is not the result we were hoping for, but not one entirely unexpected,” admitted Edge Worth, head prosecutor, “I think we could all agree that it was apparent [Chrysalis] was far from being of sound mind from the moment she stepped into the courtroom.”

Chrysalis, the mastermind behind the infamous Royal Wedding Invasion, had been accused of conspiracy, attempted usurping of the crown, impersonating royalty, several instances of foalnapping, massive amounts of property damage, and numerous other offenses. And yet, despite countless eye witnesses and evidence against her, she is to be admitted to an insane asylum instead of prison.

One must then ask, how could this come to pass? The answer lies in changeling law.

As a quick reminder to our readers, over the course of the trial, it was brought to light that Chrysalis, in addition to her crimes against Equestria, had also broken countless changeling laws including unlawful bearing of title, unlawful genetic manipulation, unauthorized imitation, and many, many others.

The issue lies in the single changeling law that Chrysalis did not violate during the invasion: the injection of changeling venom.

“Our venom, while not necessarily life-threatening, does contain traces of the elements that resulted in our…

Continued on Page 2B

...current, love consuming forms,” explained Dr. Glass Jar, changeling physiologist, “In sufficient doses it can be somewhat corruptive to ponies. Needless to say, we do not tolerate [changelings] spreading our curse among others.”

Indeed, a quick glance at changeling laws will reveal just how seriously they enforce this intolerance. Any changeling who dares inject their venom into another being outside of extremely complicated circumstances is to have their arcanic tissue removed.

But why should this matter, as Chrysalis, despite her many crimes, did not perform this heinous act? Because she intended to do so during the Wedding Invasion, as she unwittingly confessed in the middle of court proceedings just a few days ago.

“...nothing would have stood in my way! Not even the Princesses once they were reduced to my loyal servants! If only I’d bitten them sooner…”

This likely slip of the tongue turned the courtroom on its head, for more than one reason. Many changelings in attendance were infuriated while many ponies were terrified, and court was temporarily closed for the day. However, a few hours later the Royal Medical Service revealed a rather surprising twist to this development.

“After consulting with changeling experts, We’ve reaching a rather amusing discovery,” said Dr. Direct Stylus, royal surgeon, “Because of the nature of changeling venom, and what we know of alicorn biology, we have reason to believe that even if [Chrysalis] had injected the Princesses, the venom wouldn’t have been able to overcome their alicorn immune systems. There was simply no way her plan would have worked.”

Needless to say, Chrysalis become somewhat of a laughing stock after this was brought to light. Her invasion plan was doomed to fail even if she had not been defeated. However, this also brought to light a new problem.

“If her plans were so poorly coordinated, and yet she was so certain of her own victory, she must clearly be either delusional or utterly foolish,” commented judge Karmic Justice, “Either way, it makes it very difficult to see her invasion as an act of war. Rather, it seems to just be the wild flailing of a confused soul lashing out in anger.”

This was further reinforced by the fact that Chrysalis’s hive was but one of many. And if Chrysalis was unable to properly plan such an important detail as how to permanently subdue the Princesses, how could she possibly have been prepared for some of the other major hurdles that it appears she never even considered?

“The fact is, even if she had managed to somehow conquer Canterlot, we’d have mobilized our forces to overthrow her in a matter of hours,” explained Queen Ptera, “Our combined military forces outnumbered her army almost three to one, and she was using her entire hive population during the invasion. If she honestly thought we would just sit back and let her rule Equestria, I can’t bring myself to view her as anything other than insane.”

A sentiment that proved to be shared by the legal committee and the judge, as the final verdict shows. Following the trial, Chrysalis is to be committed to the Barking Ham Asylum located in Gothic City.

While some may be disgruntled with Chrysalis avoiding a guilty verdict, considering the facts put before us it is rather difficult to imagine any other direction this case could have ended. And regardless of the legal proceeding, many of us shall sleep easy tonight knowing that such a dangerous individual is now permanently behind bars. And a padded cell.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked up from the paper with confused looks on their faces.

“Changeling venom doesn’t affect alicorns?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo shrugged.

“Well, I guess not. We’ve never really had the chance or reason to try it on an alicorn, so… yeah,” said Scootaloo.

“Geez, and Ah thought Chrysalis was washed up before Ah read this. Now Ah actually feel kind of sorry for her,” said Apple Bloom.

Her friends stared at her.

“Kind of. Ah still hate her guts for crashin’ the weddin’ and what she did to Thorax and the others, but Ah just can’t help but pity such a sad and pathetic mare,” explained Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, I guess I see what you mean. It definitely makes sense why the officials decided to put her in an asylum instead of jail,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Speak for yourself. She made changelings look like monsters right before we were planning on revealing ourselves. We’re not forgetting what she did anytime soon,” said Scootaloo with a huff.

“Fair enough. By the way, what the hay is up with changeling venom? Ya told us it can turn somepony into a changeling with enough of it, but ‘traces of the elements that resulted in our forms’? What does that even mean?” asked Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo let out another sigh.

“It means that if you filtered our venom, you’d find trace amounts of smooze in it,” answered Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked at her in horror.

“Just a little bit. In fact, it’s so little that you’d still need gallons of the stuff before it’d even start to look purple, let alone affect ponies like the real smooze does. And even then, it’s really more cheap knock-off smooze than anything. It doesn’t even form eyes or mouths, no matter how much you collect. And like I said, you need a lot of changeling venom to cause the transformation,” reassured Scootaloo.

“OK. Ah kind of thought that was the case, but Ah just wanted to make sure. Ah mean, gettin’ that icky stuff pumped into ya sounds nasty. And considerin’ the whole war with those ghouls and how they want to get their hooves on that gunk...” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, I see what you’re getting at. Don’t worry, we’re not walking bottles of smooze. The only way those creeps are getting their hooves on enough of the stuff to really hurt anyone is if they get it from the source, and we’re not letting that happen. Not now, not ever,” explained Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom let out a sigh of relief.

“You have to wonder though, why’d Chrysalis try to take over Canterlot in the first place? What the hay was going through her head?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“I don’t know, Sweetie Belle. The only thing we know is that she had an attitude problem long before she went rogue. Maybe something’s just wrong with her head, but I guess we’ll never really know,” said Scootaloo with a shrug.

Meanwhile, in Gothic City…

Chrysalis struggled against her bindings, but was once again forced to give up and catch her breath. The straight jacket and muzzle were simply too strong for her to break. These pathetic ponies might be utter fools, but even she had to admit that her current situation was not going to be easy to break out of.

No doubt her naive brethren had helped them prepare this (admittedly rather comfy) padded cell as well.

The thought of her kin sent Chrysalis into another fit of rage, causing her to thrash about once more.

Those delusional traitors! The love filled ponies filled her with anger, but those cowards made her want to tear out her own mane. How could they be so stupid? So hopelessly caught up in the lies of the past? She had been on the edge of total victory! If she’d just had the support of even one of those brightly chitined morons who called themselves queens she’d would have ruled Equestria for sure!

And no, she did not blow it at the last minute. That was something only amateurs did.

But those fools just had to cling to the delusion that had consumed their species since their creation. They still honestly believed that they belonged among the lesser ponies. That they were still to bear the burdens of their suicidal predecessors. That they should even acknowledge the existence of the so called “All-Mother.”

Pah!

Exhausted once more, Chrysalis was forced to lay still again.

Why would anyone hold any affection for the one who had abandoned them? Who had left them too weak to fend for themselves so they could all be wiped out? Oh, they harped on and on about how the “Queen” had never intended for the Age of War, but Chrysalis knew better. She knew better than all of them. After all, the only ones who freely gave away something as valuable as love were utter fools.

And what a fool their creator was. “Oops! I accidently made the world a big bulls-eye for dark forces. Oh well, these things happen. Guess I’ll just leave you all to die and try again somewhere else. Here, take my worthless daughters to the afterlife with you as proof that I never cared. Have fun!”

Probably said that word for word, too.

Chrysalis growled.

Oh, how she hated that &#^$@. It was because of her that the changeling’s ancestors had locked themselves into a mountain. And now they were corrupted, cursed to never feel love aside from that taken from others. The gnawing emptiness within Chrysalis tore at her very soul, and the same was true for all changelings.

You’d think that’d be enough for the others to see the truth of the matter, but no. They insisted that the Queen still wished the best for them. That she’d made an honest mistake and didn’t want to leave them. Some even went so far as to claim that one day she would return and restore them to their true forms.

Chrysalis let out a spew of foul language at the thought.

What did that $&@^% do to deserve such blind devotion?! Perhaps those stupid ponies could cling to such delusions with their childish understanding of the world, but changelings? Who had been cursed because of that moronic creator? No, they had no reason to have any faith in that #&$%@!

They were changelings! Corrupted beings! No matter how much they harped on about their now-extinct ancestors, insisted they were still ponies, or attempted to forge ties with the others, the fact remained that they were monsters! They were meant to feast on the fools who still worshipped that &$#@% they called mother!

Chrysalis’s ranting was interrupted as her nose began to itch. Cursing, she struggled to scratch it through the muzzle.

And what about Chrysalis, the only changeling with the guts to accept the cold truth of the world? The one who’d proven that you didn’t need some stupid traditional rite to become a queen? Who had raised a massive army of servants in such a small time? Where was her recognition and applause? She deserved everything those fools directed to that false goddess!

But no, instead here she was, locked up in a padded cell. Her arcanic tissue had not been removed, but it was the only thing that hadn’t. Her ability to forge hive connections was gone. The other queens had taken all of her servants from her. And worst of all, they had removed her ability to lay eggs. She was alone now, and would remain so until the other changelings were finally convinced of the truth.

And Chrysalis was going to prove it to them. After all, while the %#$*@ who was once called Queen wasn’t here anymore for Chrysalis to convince to “demonstrate” her mortality, the &%$!& had left behind two easily recognized children. Children that, despite the obvious lies their doctors claimed, were not above the corruptive power that flowed within Chrysalis.

She was going to convert the Queen’s daughters, demonstrating once and for all that their “All-Mother” was a fraud, unworthy of their acknowledgement, let alone their worship. And when they came face to face with such evidence, her kin would be forced to accept the cold truth. And then, with their help, nothing would stop Chrysalis from ruling all of Equis!

Chrysalis permitted herself a cackle.

She would escape. These pesky walls couldn’t hold her forever. And when she did, she was going to get her revenge. They may have taken her servants and her ability to make more, but she didn’t need a hive. She had the greatest of dark powers flowing in her bloodstream. She was the rightful ruler of the world. And she would rule it one day, of that there was no doubt.

The changeling and pony watching Chrysalis through the two-way mirror shared an awkward look.

“She does realize we can hear her monologuing even through the muzzle, right?” asked the pony.

“I don’t think she even realizes she said all of that out loud. I can’t believe she buys into the whole “Queen Abandonment” conspiracy, but I guess that would explain a lot…” said the changeling.

Author's Note

Ugh, that article... well, at least I know I'm never getting into journalism. Apparently sensationalism is not in my skill set. Even I think I relied too heavily on references in this chapter...

And what is Chrysalis talking about? Age of War? Abandonment conspiracy? Man, if only there was a spin off that went into detail about the lore I've been teasing at for years now...

Oh wait, there is!

And here's a link to it.

I'm certain that the reason it's gotten so little attention compare to the rest of my URBC stuff is because no one knew I wrote it, and not because people think I'm incapable of writing decent lore. Heh heh heh... (goes to sulk in the corner).

Chapter 6.5: Babs, Your Situation Bites

Babs Seed let out a sigh of contentment and leaned back in her chair. Finally, her homework was done. Now she was free to…

*Squeak*

Babs’ ear pointed towards the sudden noise, but she made no other indicator that she’d heard that sound.

She was free to enjoy the rest of her afternoon. Maybe she’d read that new issue of Batmare. Or maybe she’d…

*Squeak*

Babs’ eye twitched, but she continued to ignore the noise.

Maybe she’d head out to the roller rink again. That was fun last time she visited. And it’d give her an excuse to get…

*Squeak*

Babs let out a growl.

It’d give her an excuse to get away from her family constantly trying to prove she was cursed.

*Squeak*

“Would ya knock that off?!” cried Babs as she turned towards the door.

Her mother only smirked.

“Oh? Is this distractin’ ya? Don’t ya just want to reach out and bite it?” taunted Babs’ mom.

Babs glared back.

“It’s a buckin’ chew toy! No, Ah don’t wanna put that thing in mah mouth!” cried Babs.

Babs’ mom just gave the chew toy another squeeze.

*Squeak*

“Ah dunno. It seems to have caught your attention pretty well. And didn’t Ah hear ya growl a bit ago?” asked Babs’ mom.

Despite herself, Babs let out another growl. She was so sick of this.

“Just throw it away, ma. Ah ain’t a werewolf, or a weredog, or a timberpony, or whatever they hay you’re runnin’ with this time,” said Babs.

“Yeah ma, seriously. Ya know your wastin’ your time,” called Babs’ sister from the hallway.

“Funny, Ah don’t recall vampires bein’ distracted by a doggie toy,” Babs’ mother countered.

Bab’s sister made her way over to join them and gave her mother a smirk.

“Ah’m findin’ it distractin’. That thing squeaks louder than rubber boots. Face it ma, that toy don’t prove nothin’,” said Babs’ sister.

“Seriously,” added Babs.

“Now if ya really want to get a reaction out of her, ya need to use some garlic,” said Babs’ sister.

Babs slammed a hoof on her desk in frustration.

“Ah like garlic! Ah ain’t a vampire! You two have done nothin’ but torment me over this since Ah got home from that first trip to Ponyville! What the hay do Ah have to do to get ya to leave me alone?!” demanded.

“Just admit you’re a werewolf so Ah win the bet,” answered Babs’ mom.

“Just admit you’re a vampire so Ah win the bet,” answered Babs’ sister.

Babs just looked at her family in disbelief.

“What the hay did you two bet that’d be worth this much effort?” asked Babs.

“Somethin’ that ain’t no business for a young filly like you. Now give: vampire or werewolf?” said Babs’ mom.

Babs facehooved. This was the last straw.

“Alright, fine. Ah’m a vampire that turns into a werewolf every full moon. Ah’m also a merpony when Ah get wet, mah grandfather was a demon, and durin’ hot summer days Ah melt into a puddle of slime. Oh, and apparently mah ma and sis are heartless monsters who can’t take a hint and bug off!” cried Babs.

Her family just raised their eyebrows.

“Geez, no need to whine about it,” said Babs’ sister.

“Ah’ve already tried everythin’ else short of lashin’ out! And I’m this close to just sluggin’ ya both! Now if ya don’t mind, Ah’m out of here before Ah do somethin’ Ah regret!” announced Babs.

Babs snatched her allowance and shoved her way out the door.

“Ah didn’t teach ya to talk like that,” chided Babs’ mom.

“No, ya just keep givin’ me a reason to,” countered Babs as she made her way to the front door.

Babs opened the door, stepped outside, and slammed the door behind here with all the strength she could manage. Fortunately, said door was designed for earth ponies, so while it was loud, it didn’t break from Babs’ anger.

Unfortunately, it did little to stop her from hearing her family continue to talk through an open window.

“Such a temper. Yeah, she’s definitely cursed,” said Babs’ sister.

“Yep. Ah can see the wolf in that filly,” added Babs’ mom.

Manehattan was nothing like Ponyville. Monster attacks and massive property damage rarely happened.

Wails of anguish, on the other hoof, happened on a daily basis. Usually near one of the casinos, but they could come from anywhere.

The citizens of Manehattan paused as a familiar loud scream pierced the air. While everypony in the city noticed it, most just rolled their eyes and continued on their way. That was the seventh scream of despair this week, and the third from that particular filly. It was nothing really worth taking note of.

Babs Seed sighed as she sipped her milkshake. She’d finally decided to just spend her bits on some sugar to dull the pain. Dull it, yes, but not remove it entirely.

“Ah swear, it’s like they only live to torment me,” grumbled Babs as she watched ponies pass the ice cream shop.

She knew that some would say that such sentiments were natural. Families argued and got on each other’s nerves all the time. But this was just too much for her. No matter how many times she disproved them both, they insisted on tormenting her to “confess” to her secret.

For buck’s sake, It wasn’t like she had any idea what said secret even was. How the hay was she supposed to tell her family if she didn’t know herself?

The yellow eyed filly let out another sigh.

“Stupid time spider. You’re going to torment for the rest of my life, ain’t ya?” mumbled Babs.

Alas, the time spider in question failed to magically appear in front of her so she could squish it. What a shame.

Almost as big a shame as the fact that she was going to have to head back home and face her tormentors again.

Was there anything she could do to get them to stop testing her for vampire or werewolf traits? Or maybe she was looking at this the wrong way. After all, they were expecting her to prove she was a monster, so maybe she should...

A lightbulb went on above Bab’s head.

Babs permitted herself a smile as she looked upon the fruit of her efforts. She was going to be in so much trouble, but it was going to be totally worth it.

“Ah can’t believe ya did that!” cried Babs’ sister as she cradled her leg.

“What kind of pony bites somepony else?! Ah sure as hay didn’t teach ya that!” added Babs’ mom.

“Ah dunno. Maybe a vampire or werewolf would?” said Babs Seed.

That got her family to pause.

“So, what the verdict? Ether of ya feel like howling yet? Or maybe thirsty for something red and sticky? Or, ya know, Ah might just be a normal pony and ya both pushed me to bitin’ ya to prove it. Now either start growin’ fangs, bat or wolf, or leave me the buck alone,” said Babs.

Babs turned and made her way to her room with a smirk. There was no possible way they could keep this stupid argument going now.

“Oh no… Ah feel mighty thirsty now…” said Babs’ sister.

Babs paused. No. No, there was no way they were going to…

“Mah coat! It’s gettin’ thicker! Almost like wolf fur!” cried Babs’ mother.

Babs’ eye began to twitch.

“You’re just ruffin’ up your coat with your hoof. But Ah really am cravin’ blood,” said Babs’ sister.

“Pah. Ya just want tomato juice. Ah think Ah can smell it in the fridge from here. Mah sense of smell must be gettin’ better. Like a wolf,” said Babs’ mom.

The city of Manehattan was graced with another loud wail of agony.

Author's Note

Nice try Babs, but you're going to have to try a little harder than that to save your sanity.

I'd say I feel sorry for her, but she's not the only filly having family troubles in Equestria...

Chapter D2: Free the Diamond

As the sun started creeping down the horizon, Diamond Tiara flopped down on her bed.

“Ugh… I’m exhausted. How the hay can anypony do that for a living?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Well, most miners are fully grown ponies, Diamond. They’re usually in better shape than you, too,” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara turned to glare at her friend, who was reading a book on her own bed.

“Are you calling me fat?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“No, I’m saying you’re not the most physically active pony. Even you have to admit you’ve never really been one to play sports, let alone spend weeks outside mining rocks,” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara let out a sigh, but conceded the point.

“Whatever. I still made it to the end of another day. I’m not as out of shape as you think,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon put down her book and looked at her friend with a smile.

“Yep. You made it. And I’m so happy to see that you did. So, did you learn anything today?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Just that I’m now even more sure I’m not going to grow up to have anything to do with mining. I think I can respect anypony who does, but it’s not for me,” said Diamond Tiara.

“Welp, I’d say that’s three steps forward in the right direction,” said Silver Spoon.

“Three steps?” asked Diamond Tiara.

Yeah. You actually tried something new, you accepted that you’re not good at something, and most of all, you said you can actually respect somepony. When was the last time you could ever do that?” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara thought about it for a moment, and realized Silver Spoon was right. After grinding away, breaking rocks for hours on end, she had to admit she genuinely felt admiration for anyone who could do that every day to make a living.

It was a novel feeling, and a surprisingly pleasant one considering it was basically admitting somepony else was better at something than her.

Speaking of novel feelings…

“Actually, I think it’s four steps forward,” said Diamond Tiara.

“Oh?” asked Silver Spoon with a raised eyebrow.

Diamond Tiara pulled out a small bag of bits. She gave it shake, causing the bits inside to jingle. It was less money than she’d usually carry around with her, but it seemed to be so much more valuable.

“I got money,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon looked at Diamond Tiara in confusion.

“Uh, yeah. Your family is super rich. Of course you have money,” said Silver Spoon.

“No, I mean I earned money. I didn’t get it from my allowance, or as a present, or by annoying my parents until they forked over the cash. These bits are mine. I did a job, and got paid for it,” said Diamond Tiara.

“Oh. I guess I never thought of that. I mean, I’ve kind of always gotten my money the same way as you, just without annoying my parents. How does that feel?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara gave the bag another shake.

“It feels… satisfying, I guess. Like, these bits are mine, and I can do whatever I want with them. I mean, that’s true of all the money I’ve ever had, I guess, but it’s… more so than usual? I’m not really sure how to describe it,” admitted Diamond Tiara.

“Me neither. But you’re probably right. That’s another step forward,” said Silver Spoon with a nod.

Diamond Tiara put her bag of money away, and laid back down on her bed.

“So, now what? If you’re certain you’re not going to be a miner, what are you planning on doing with yourself?” asked Silver Spoon.

“I dunno. Maybe I’ll try rock farming or something. I mean, harvesting gem stones is closer to my cutie mark than mining ores, anyway,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon frowned at that, but it was a sad sort of frown, not an angry one.

“Diamond, you know your mark doesn’t necessarily mean anything stone related. Are you sure you want to try rock farming? I’ve heard it’s a really boring job,” said Silver.

“I know, but…” Diamond Tiara started to say, but then she paused.

“But?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara didn’t answer. She just turned away and grumbled something under her breath.

Silver Spoon let out a sigh. She hadn’t been able to hear what Diamond had said, but she knew the reason why. Without a word, Silver got up, made her way over to Diamond’s bed, climbed on, and pulled Diamond Tiara into a hug.

Diamond Tiara didn’t turn to return the hug, but she didn’t push Silver away either.

“Again, Silver? I get what you’re trying to do, but seriously. I think you’ve given me a hug every day since we came here,” said Diamond Tiara.

“I’ll stop hugging you when I think you don’t need them anymore,” said Silver.

Diamond Tiara sighed, but didn’t object. She still refused to return the hug, though. Silver Spoon was not particularly pleased by this, but at least Diamond wasn’t breaking into tears at the mere mention of her problems anymore.

It was clear there was still a long way to go before Diamond truly began to recover. But what could Silver do, other than be there for Diamond, encouraging her every step of the way? Silver Spoon glanced at the calendar on the wall. Their stay at the mine was nearing its end. Even with the plans she, her parents, and even Filthy Rich had made for when they returned, Silver was still worried.

She really wanted Diamond Tiara to get better. But after suffering so much for so long, was that even possible? Silver Spoon wasn’t sure, but by Celestia she had to try. Even if Diamond wasn’t being very receptive of her efforts.

“Diamond… I know you’re scared, but that doesn’t mean you have to do something you hate just so you can avoid doing the same thing as your mom,” said Silver.

Diamond Tiara’s body went stiff. Silver Spoon, while concerned, had learned that this was a sign that she had hit where it hurt. She had to keep going and clean out the wound entirely.

“Look, it’s fine if you want to distance yourself from her. Hay, I think it’s a good idea you do. But don’t you think making yourself miserable just to get a little further away is a bad idea?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara let out a sniffle as she began to cry.

“I… I don’t want to… to…” mumbled Diamond.

“I know. It’s OK. Let it all out,” said Silver Spoon.

For several minutes, they didn’t say anything. Diamond Tiara cried, but she didn’t break into hysterical sobs this time.

Finally, Diamond Tiara found her voice again.

“I… don’t want to be a monster like… like her. I know you think I’m supposed to be a leader or something, but what kind of leader would I be? A mean, bossy, jerk who doesn’t care about anypony. I don’t… I don’t know how to be anything else,” mumbled Diamond Tiara.

“But you can learn. And it’s OK, Diamond. You don’t have to do my idea just yet. We can try rock farming if you really want to, but I think you’ll just end up hating it,” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara let out another sniffle.

“It’s what I deserve,” she muttered.

That got Silver Spoon angry.

“No it’s not! Don’t you ever think you deserve to be miserable! That’s what she wants you to feel! You’re better than that! You’re better than her! And you deserve to be happy for once in your life!” chided Silver.

Diamond Tiara didn’t respond with words, but she did start to cry again.

“Me, my family, hay, even your dad, we all want you to be happy, Diamond Tiara. We want you to rise above how horrible your life has been so far. We have faith in you. We believe that one day, you’ll be an amazing pony who’ll shine like the diamonds on your flank,” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara let out a sniffle.

“That’s… never going to happen, Silver,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon looked at her friend in concern. That was not what she wanted to hear.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ll be able to get up and make a difference someday. But I’ll never be a perfect diamond. I’m going to end up like that thing on my nightstand,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver quickly realized Diamond Tiara was referring to the rough diamond she had found a while ago. Diamond Tiara had taken the time to free the gem from its stone casing entirely, and given the whole thing some polishing. It was still a bit of a lopsided lump, but it was undeniably a gemstone.

At least she’s acknowledged she can improve. That’s an important step, but I still need to pull her out of this depressing line of thinking, thought Silver Spoon.

“Well, maybe. But I don’t think it’s an ugly diamond. It’s just not perfect. And there’s something beautiful about the natural flaws of a rough diamond that…” said Silver Spoon.

“Stop. Just stop, Silver,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon paused, uncertain.

“I am so sick of those ‘you’re special, you don’t have to be perfect’ speeches. I get it. Please… just stop wasting your time saying it over and over again,” said Diamond Tiara in a resigned tone.

Silver Spoon let out a huff.

“I’ll keep giving you the speech until you start believing it. You are not worthless, Diamond. I’m not letting you just give up like this!” said Silver Spoon.

“I didn’t say I was giving up, Silver. I just wish you’d stop trying to convince me of something I already know,” said Diamond.

“Knowing isn’t the same thing as believing. And I don’t think you really understand the difference yet. What is this really about Diamond?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara let out a sigh.

“It’s about the diamond,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon glanced at the flawed gemstone again in confusion.

“The diamond? What about it?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Do you know what the mine’s policy is on dug up gemstones?” asked Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon was really confused now.

“Uh… they don’t bother selling them, I guess?” said Silver Spoon.

“Yeah. They don’t sell them. They're so low quality that they just get rid of them. Your uncle was planning on throwing that thing in the trash before I asked to keep it,” said Diamond Tiara.

That was news to Silver Spoon. It was also not a good sign if Diamond Tiara was comparing herself to that gem.

“You’re not saying that the stone’s you, and you’re worthless, are you?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara was quiet for a moment, but then she turned towards her friend. She was still crying, but Silver Spoon was surprised to see that there was a spark of light in Diamond’s eyes that shined through her tears.

“No. It’s not worthless. Because I cared enough to save it. Maybe I’m just being stupid, and sentimental and junk, but I do care about it. And because I cared, it’s not in the trash. I saved it. It’s not worth much, but it’s not worthless. Because if nothing else, it means something to me,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon blinked in disbelief. Was Diamond Tiara...

“And… I realized that the diamond’s a lot like me. Most ponies probably don’t care about me, but there’s a few ponies who do. You, your family, those three blan- I mean fillies, and even my dad… as long as at least one pony cares enough to pull me out of the stones and polish me then… I’m not completely worthless either,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon was shocked, but once she realized what Diamond Tiara was saying, she smiled. She’d never been happier to have been wrong about what her friend was thinking. Her smile grew even bigger when Diamond Tiara reached over and returned her hug.

They were silent for a while, just holding each other tight as Diamond Tiara continued to cry. But now Silver Spoon could see that Diamond’s wasn’t shedding tears just because of her despair anymore. She was crying because she’d managed to find a small glimmer of hope.

And to Silver Spoon, it was a clear sign that this trip was doing exactly what she’d hoped it would. Diamond Tiara was still in a rough spot, no doubt about that, but she was starting to pull herself out. This was a small step forward, but it was also a very important one.

Author's Note

Meanwhile, on the other side of the family issues spectrum...

Ugh... I feel terrible for writing this, and not just because this is a more sympathetic version of Diamond Tiara. I can't help but feel that by writing about serious topics like this, I'm unknowingly being disrespectful to those who actually suffer from them. I really, really hope I'm doing the topic justice. Especially since I'm jumping to the part where things start getting better.

Chapter 7: URBC Season Four

Flight to the Finish

“Alright girls. We need a routine for the friendship games that’ll knock the judges’ socks off. Any ideas?” asked Apple Bloom.

“You know, I’m pretty sure Rainbow Dash doesn’t wear socks, and that’s not exactly a common farmer expression, so where did you...” noted Scootaloo.

“Focus, Scootaloo. OK, so, we’re representing Ponyville, right? So, how about we build it around something unique to Ponyville?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“Let’s see… there’s the frequent monster attacks, the Everfree forest, the fact that we’re ‘Equestria’s biggest weirdness magnet,’ and who can forget Murphy Law?” said Scootaloo.

“Something positive about Ponyville?” deadpanned Apple Bloom.

“Well, maybe we can take a positive spin on one of those? Like, we’re the weirdest place in Equestria because we’re the most accepting town in the nation. No matter who or what you are, you have a place here?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“Hm… that might just work. Good idea Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo.

“This’ll be perfect! We’re gonna win for sure!” declared Apple Bloom.

“Yeah!” The three of them cheered.

…

“Anyone else get the feeling that something should have ruined the moment for us, but didn’t?” asked Scootaloo.

“Now that you mention it, yeah. Weird,” said Sweetie Belle.

Meanwhile, a pink filly mining rocks sneezed.

Bats!

Twilight looked up from her book and let out a sigh.

“Alright, I have good news and bad news,” announced Twilight.

The gathered ponies all looked at Twilight in concern, especially Fluttershy, who had been staring into the mirror at her new fang.

“The good news is, Fluttershy is not suffering some kind of relapse. What we’re dealing with is only a tiny lingering bit of bat essence that stuck to her when I dispelled the rest of it. There is no danger of Fluttershy turning back into a vampire fruit bat. The fang and the slight increase in appetite for fruit is as bad as it’s going to get,” said Twilight.

There were numerous sighs of relief.

“The bad news is, I don’t think I can remove what’s still here. It didn’t leave her when I dispelled it because it’s now so tightly bonded to her that forcibly removing it could cause irreversible damage. I’m sorry Fluttershy. I don’t think that fang’s going away any time soon,” said Twilight.

“Consarn it. This is all mah fault. Ah’m so, so sorry Fluttershy. If only Ah’d listened to ya this wouldn’t…” said Applejack.

“No, it’s fine Applejack. I mean, a bit more fruit in my diet isn’t that bad. And the fang is kind of cute,” said Fluttershy.

“I agree!” announced Discord as he spontaneously appeared in the room.

He quickly zipped to Fluttershy’s side and held up a mirror.

“Look at us, we’re single-fang buddies now! Oh my dear Fluttershy, you didn’t have to do this just for me,” said Discord.

“She didn’t,” deadpanned Twilight.

Fluttershy just blushed.

“Eh, whatever. Guess we’ll just have to get used to having a part-vampire fruit bat in town. Then again, something like this was bound to happen sooner or later,” commented Rainbow Dash.

“What do you mean by that?” asked Rarity.

“I mean, we’ve got zombies, robots, whatever the hay Discord is, and now vampires. Kinda. At this point, we just need some aliens to show up and we can say Ponyville is literally where all the weird stuff is,” said Rainbow.

“I dunno. We also still need a merpony, a werepony, a slime pony…” said Pinkie Pie.

Everyone else just rolled their eyes. Except Discord, that is. He just started taking notes.

“... a plane pony, a snail pony, a golem pony, no wait, Sweetie Belle probably already counts for that one…” continued Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Apple Pie

“So… in the end you have no idea if you’re related to Pinkie Pie or not?” asked Scootaloo.

“Nope,” answered Apple Bloom.

“So the entire long, stressful road trip was a waste of time?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Well, it was definitely long and stressful, but Ah wouldn’t say it was a waste of time. Ah mean, even the worst family trip can be a source of good memories, and Ah bet we’ll look back on this one day and smile,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Memories like the scariest cave in Equestria?” asked Scootaloo with a smirk.

“OK, that part wasn’t a good memory. Ah still have no idea what that creepy thing with the tentacles was, and Ah don’t think Ah ever want to know,” said Apple Bloom with a shiver.

“Actually, I think I read about that. It was probably a rare species of cephalopod known for contorting its body into horrifying images to scare off predators known as a sho…” said Sweetie Belle.

“Ah said Ah don’t want to know!” cried Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo giggled.

Twilight Time

“Wait, you’re offering to give us some private tutoring?” asked Sweetie Belle in surprise.

“Yes. In any subject you want. Well, within reason, of course,” said Twilight.

“Uh...no offence Twilight, but why? Did our sisters ask ya to keep us out of trouble or somethin’?” asked Apple Bloom.

Twilight gave a small cough, but to her credit she didn’t turn away or blush.

“Well, they did, but I’m not just offering for your benefit or theirs. I’ve been a Princess for a while now, and though I still don’t have any duties yet, I want to get some experience being a ruler before I do. After all, one of the reasons Cadance continued to babysit me after she ascended was to learn more about responsibility. I figured some tutoring lessons would work just as well,” explained Twilight.

“Huh. I guess that makes sense, but haven’t you been a leader since the day you and the others defeated Nightmare Moon?” asked Scootaloo.

“There’s a difference between being a leader, and a ruler. I just want to make sure I’m ready when Princess Celestia says it’s time for me to do more than smile and wave. So… are you three interested?” asked Twilight.

The CMC gathered together for a brief group huddle, then turned back to Twilight.

“”Well, sure. We’re down for it. It’s not like we’re busy hunting for our cutie marks or anything. And honestly, I really could use some help getting my magic to work,” admitted Sweetie Belle.

“Ah always wanted to learn a thing or two about potion makin’, but Ah didn’t think it’d be proper to ask Zecora about it after the heart’s desire incident,” said Apple Bloom.

“I don’t suppose you can teach me how to build a unicycle?” asked Scootaloo.

Everyone else looked at Scootaloo in confusion.

“Don’t ask. I’ll just say that it’s about stopping Twitch, and I don’t want Beetle getting involved,” said Scootaloo.

What?! Why not?! asked Beetle.

Go Kart incident, replied Scootaloo, as well as the rest of the hive.

Gah… I swear, you mess up the wheels one time… grumbled Beetle.

Somepony to Watch Over Me

“No,” said Applejack.

“But, Applejack…” started Apple Bloom.

“Ah said no, and Ah mean no. Ah’m not leavin’ ya home alone,” said Applejack.

Apple Bloom resorted the the biggest puppy dog eyes she could manage, but Applejack wouldn’t budge. Big Mac and Granny Smith looked at each other and nodded. They’d known this wasn’t going to be easy. Time to enact plan S.A.D..

“Now Applejack, don’t ya think your bein’ a might overprotective?” asked Big Mac.

“Ah think Ah’m not bein’ protective enough. The last time we left her unsupervised she got herself cursed. What the hay makes y’all think this time’ll be any better?” said Applejack.

“Hey, that was different! Ah was in the Everfree Forest, it was after dark…” started Apple Bloom.

“Mah point stands. She ain’t staying here alone, and that’s final,” said Applejack.

“Oh, lighten up, girl. Besides, it’s not like she can get any more dead,” said Granny Smith.

Unfortunately, this was the wrong thing to say. Applejack’s expression suddenly became terrified. She rushed over to Apple Bloom and pulled her into a back-breaking hug.

“Applejack,” grumbled Apple Bloom.

Applejack just held her tighter.

“Don’t worry little sis. Ah won’t let the monsters get ya a second time. Ah promise,” said Applejack.

Big Mac and Granny Smith let out simultaneous sighes.

“So much for plan ‘She’s Already Dead,’” said Granny Smith.

“Eeyup,” agreed Big Mac.

There was a loud snap as Apple Bloom’s spine was broken in half, but this did little to stop Applejack from hugging her undead sister tighter.

It Ain’t Easy Being Breezies

While the changelings had made little effort to share their corruptive origins with the rest of ponykind, they also made no effort to hide it. Those who learned the full story often had a number of questions. One of the more common being: “what’s your relationship with the Breezies?”

They answered: “We are distant, but friendly to each other. Our burdens are different, and we are often separated by great distance. But we are still kin, and our curses stem from a common source. We can do little to directly help each other, but sympathy can be a powerful aid all the same.”

Or at least, that’s what the queens would say. Most changelings would probably use less tactful words.

On the day of the Breezie Migration, several changelings gathered around a forest clearing a few miles away from Ponyville. Among them were Blue Monarch and Scootaloo. They were positioned so that the breeze would blow past them long before it reached Ponyville. And with the breeze, came the Breezies.

Scootaloo could barely contain herself. She had been given the honor of attending the Dusk Passing! But she held herself back. This was a serious, respectful event, not a hoofball game. Also, tradition demanded that only the leaders speak to each other during the Passing. After all, the Breezies were still in the middle of their migration. They couldn’t be delayed for too long.

As the Breezies delicately fluttered over them, the changelings watched in silent respect, though the soldiers among them saluted. Then one Breezie flew down, coming to rest before the changeling princess. Blue Monarch bowed to the tiny pony, while the tiny pony bowed in kind.

said the Breezie.

Scootaloo had never heard the ancient Tongue of the Forest before in her life, but she understood it plainly. It was the language of life itself, only understood by the Papili and their descendents. That said, Scootaloo quickly found herself wishing the lost language wasn’t so dang flowery.

asked Blue Monarch.

asked the Breezie.

<’Tis true. We are now seen by the pure kin. Fear haunts their hearts, but as does the fire of friendship. The coming twilight is uncertain, but we rest among the gathered harvest,> said Blue Monarch.

said the Breezie with a soft chirp of delight.

Geez, it sounds like they’re reciting Shakespeare or something, commented Twitch.

Twitch was soundly ignored. And when Dove started beating the crap out of him for disrespecting tradition, not a single soul raised an objection.

Not that they would have under different circumstances, to be fair.

For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils

“I see… so you changed your mind at the last second?” asked Luna.

“Yeah. Right as I was about to pull the string, it occured to me that the party I was so upset about was right before I was turned into a robot. A quick check in the manual showed that memories that occur near the transfer tend to stand out. I figured that as much as it hurt me back then, I’ve probably been holding onto that moment a little too strongly,” admitted Sweetie Belle.

“Indeed. Grudges are all too often formed over petty matters. And I am glad to hear that you were able to recognize your own frustration as such. But it is clear from this nightmare that though you did not act upon your bitterness, it still clings to you rather tightly,” said Luna.

“Yeah, it does. I don’t hate Rarity, but sometimes it just feels like…” Sweetie Belle paused as she looked for the right words.

“Like you are trapped within your sister’s shadow?” offered Luna.

“Yeah. That. How did you… oh,” said Sweetie Belle as she remembered who she was talking to.

“Yes, that is a feeling I am more than familiar with. Though my sister loves me dearly, she cannot help but cast a long shadow that covers all those around her. Myself, Twilight Sparkle, and perhaps even all of Equestria are smothered by it,” said Luna.

“I see what you mean. But what can we do about it? Messing with Rarity doesn’t seem like the right thing to do, so what’s the solution here?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Luna reached forward and pulled Sweetie Belle into a hug. It was a bit surreal to be so casually hugged by the Princess like that, but Sweetie Belle felt no desire to pull away.

“It’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way, but one I will gladly share with you: stop trying to dwell within your sister’s shadow, and chart your own path forward. We cannot hope to match our elder sisters’ talents, so why waste time trying to imitate them?” said Luna.

“That’s a good point. I mean, I don’t even like clothes that much. But still, it kind of stings how no pony wanted to talk about my play,” said Sweetie Belle with a sigh.

“Well… *cough* perhaps you are simply unappreciated in your time? It can be rather difficult to voice an opinion about such an… unforgettable performance,” Luna offered.

Luna did not want to be the one to inform the filly that several ponies had been having nightmares about said play all night. The twist about the zombies from the future had truly been “Unforgettable.”

Twilight’s Kingdom

~1000 years in the future…

In a small cave in the middle of nowhere, a glowing blue cube suddenly lit up, before spitting out three familiar fillies.

“Ugh… I think that was even worse than last time. I kept thinking I was a firefly or something the whole time,” moaned Scootaloo as she put a hoof to her head.

“Is this really the best way they can send us to the future? Ah swear Ah saw mahself turning into a phoenix while Ah was gettin’ sucking into that thing,” said Apple Bloom.

“Seriously. And I keep getting images of being a boat for some reason. I mean, seriously? A boat?” added Sweetie Belle.

“Yes, that is an unfortunate side effect of the cube, I’m afraid,” said a familiar voice.

The fillies turned to see Dr. Brown already waiting for them.

“Side effect?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Oh yes. Having one’s body broken down into a fluid-like state tends to cause the subconscious to start visualising other bizarre transformations. Repeated use only makes this effect more profound,” explained Dr. Brown.

“That’s kind of weird,” noted Sweetie Belle.

“Whatever. So what’s so important that you needed us to come back to the future? Does Sweetie Belle need an upgrade or something?” asked Scootaloo.

“Oh, nothing of the sort. We just needed to keep you three out of the picture in your own time for… roughly seventy-two hours to be safe. Something was about to go down, and it was crucial that you three not get involved for your own safety,” said Dr. Brown.

Three eyebrows were raised and directed at the T.I.M.E. employee.

“Have you three ever heard of the vile monster Tirek?” asked Dr. Brown.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo’s eyes went wide, though Apple Bloom just looked confused.

“Yes, well, he was scheduled to start conquering Equestria a few hours after you three entered the M.O.R.P.H.,” said Dr. Brown.

“What?!” demanded Scootaloo.

“Seriously, what? Who the hay is this Tirek guy?” asked Apple Bloom.

“He’s a centaur with the ability to suck out the arcanic tissue of other beings. He’s been in Tartarus for over a thousand years,” answered Sweetie Belle.

“Yes, and his magic draining ability is the reason you three are here,” said Dr. Brown.

Dr. Brown trotted forward and pointed a hoof towards Sweetie Belle.

“While the M.P.S. is a powerful device, it is dependent on magic to function. If Tirek were to drain your magic, there’s a very high chance it would kill you, or at the very least require you to make a trip to see us for a jumpstart. We figured we’d save you the trouble and just bring you to the future before things get dangerous,” explained Dr. Brown.

“Yikes. Uh, thanks for the save, then. And I guess because you’re sending us back, Tirek’s gonna lose, right?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yes. It might be a spoiler, but as we’re returning you after the fact, there’s no reason to hide that from you,” answered Dr. Brown.

“OK, that’s why you brough Sweetie Belle here, but what about me and Scootaloo?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Well, given the nature of your curse, while Tirek draining your magic wouldn’t kill you, it would reduce you to a zombie until your magic was restored. Far more problematic, however, is that it would also likely break the seal on your curse. And with a mindless source of infection walking among ponies with no magic, well, I’m sure you can see why we felt the need to pull you out,” said Dr. Brown.

Apple Bloom winced, but nodded.

“And as for Scootaloo, well, she’d probably shrug it off, but we figured you two would be mighty unhappy if we just left her behind to suffer through being a loveless husk for several hours. And she’s already been to the future, so no real reason to leave her behind,” said Dr. Brown.

“Oh. Uh… thanks, I guess,” said Scootaloo.

“So… now what? We wait around your office until we can go back?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Of course not. We’re time travelers. Waiting is something we simply don’t need to bother with,” said Dr. Brown.

He pointed behind the fillies. The three of them turned to see another bathtub with a black box attached to it.

“Oh no. Not this thing again…” groaned Sweetie Belle.

“This new castle is amazing, but why is this bathroom missing a bathtub?” asked Twilight.

Author's Note

The problem with season four is that half of the CMC episodes have Diamond Tiara as an antagonist which is not possible here, or wouldn't been greatly affected by the changes of this still-not-yet-named AU. And the ones that I do have something to work with, I couldn't come up with more than this.

That said, I might expand on some of these ideas in the future, just not while building around the framework of actual episodes.

Chapter 8: Mirrors Hold Reflections. Duh.

Twilight’s new castle had a bit of a mixed reception among the citizens of Ponyville. On the one hoof, it was hideous. The big block of crystal that slightly resembled a tree looked like some rich billionaire had dragged a building all the way down from the Crystal Empire and plopped it in his backyard. More than a few ponies had initially though Filthy Rich, or at least his wife, had been responsible for its appearance.

But on the other hoof, it was a bucking castle made of crystal. Not many small country towns could claim to have such a thing. A few ponies were also delighted that their local princess wasn’t living in some dusty old library anymore. Plus it was located on the edge of town instead of dead center like the library, making it easier for the townsfolk to know which way to run when the explosions started. Again.

And there was the little detail that it had been built by the power of Harmony itself, so it wasn’t like anypony was going to dare ask for it be removed or anything.

So, despite many a pony still grumbling about it, Ponyville as a whole has agreed to just get used to the bizarre new addition to the scenery. And besides, it was just a castle. As far as typical Ponyville crises went, a bit of controversial scenery was a cakewalk.

At least, until ponies started entering the building. Then the crystal abomination revealed it’s true form.

“Dang it. Was it three lefts and then a right, or a right and then three lefts?” asked Apple Bloom.

“I think it was a left, third door to the right, and then make another right,” answered Scootaloo.

“No, we definitely went up a set of stairs at some point. And I’m pretty sure there’s no stairs to the left,” added Sweetie Belle.

The three fillies sighed. There was no denying it: they were lost.

“Horseapples. This castle looked far less confusin’ from the outside. It’s got to be bigger than Canterlot or something. How the hay are we goin’ to find the library in this place?” cried Apple Bloom.

“I dunno about that. I’m pretty sure the castle in Canterlot at least has higher ceilings. But yeah, this place is huge. Maybe we should just wait for Twilight to get back?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“No way. We’re not waiting days for the answer. We’re finding that dictionary and settling this now,” said Scootaloo.

“We won’t be gettin’ no answer if we can’t find no dictionary, Scootaloo. Are ya sure your hivemind can’t just tell us?” asked Apple Bloom.

“I still say it should be an e…”

“No, it’s obviously an i…”

“Morons. It’s clearly…”

“... had a farm, E-I-E-I...”

“Shut up, Twitch!”

“I told you, it’s not that I can’t get an answer, it’s that I can’t get an answer anypony agrees on,” said Scootaloo.

“Forget the dictionary. How about a way out of here? Ah mean, ain’t changelings good at navigatin’ places like this? The castle can’t be nearly as confusing as your hive,” said Apple Bloom.

“Hey! Our hive is not confusing! It’s highly organized!” objected Scootaloo in an offended tone.

“Girls, I’d hate to interrupt what was probably going to be a long and interesting argument over changeling construction, but I found the library,” called Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo paused and turned towards Sweetie Belle. She was standing by the third door down from the right. The two fillies let out sighs, begrudgingly accepted that their semi-friendly argument wasn’t going to happen, and followed their friend through the door.

It was indeed the library, or at least one library considering whose castle this was. There were bookshelves, reading couches, a globe and a mirror. Said mirror quickly drew their attention, as it was hooked up to some kind of fancy looking machine.

“Wait, is that what I think it is?” asked Scootaloo.

The three curious fillies made their way over to the mysterious mirror, their quest for a non-marshmallow dictionary put on hold.

“This must be that magic mirror Twilight was talkin’ about the other day. She said it’s a portal to another dimension,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yep. Another world world full of talking monkeys with fancy machines,” said Scootaloo.

“They're called humans, Scootaloo. We actually met one in the future, remember?” reminded Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah. Come to think of it, didn’t Dr. Brown mention somethin’ about a ‘multiverse department?’ Ah guess this sort of thing’s real common in the future,” said Apple Bloom.

“Maybe. It’s not like they’d let us find out either way, because spoilers. But that’s in the future. Right now, we have this one portal in front of us,” said Sweetie Belle.

“A portal we are not going through,” said Scootaloo.

The three fillies nodded in agreement. Their trip to the future a few days ago had hammered home an important detail about their own conditions.

“Yeah. Through there is a world with no magic. Two of us need magic to stay alive, and the third will have a mental breakdown as soon as she’s disconnected from her hivemind. So, no adventures to the human world today, or ever,” said Apple Bloom.

“Kind of a shame though. I’d really like to see what it’s like on the other side. Maybe next time Twilight goes through she can bring a camera or something,” added Sweetie Belle.

But as soon as Sweetie Belle finished speaking, the portal began to glow as the device hooked up to it turned on. The three fillies gasped and back away.

“I didn’t touch it!” cried Sweetie Belle.

“Me neither!” said Apple Bloom.

“Same here!” said Scootaloo.

There was a loud bang and a flash, and then three fillies came flying out of the portal, landing face first on the floor. The CMC looked down at the newcomers with shock and surprise. The three fillies looked very, very familiar.

“Ugh… did somebody catch the license on that truck?” asked the yellow one.

“I think I tasted purple for a moment there,” said the white one.

“I can’t feel my toes…” said the orange one.

The CMC looked at each other in silent agreement. This was hooves-down the second craziest thing they’d ever seen.

…

Or then again, the third. This was just a hair less crazy than the flammable lemons.

“Uh, hello?” said the normally-a-pony Sweetie Belle.

The three ponies-from-the-mirror looked up in surprise, then shook.

“I don’t suppose your names are Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootloo?” asked Pony Sweetie Belle.

The room was silent for a very awkward moment.

“Um… girls? Am I seeing things, or is there a talking unicorn over there that sounds just like me?” asked Mirror Sweetie Belle.

“I don’t think she just sounds like you, Sweetie Belle. I think she is you,” said Mirror Scootaloo, glancing over at her friend.

Mirror Belle looked down at her hooves, gave a gasp, then looked back at her counterpart in amazement.

“Oh my goodness. If you’re me as a unicorn and we look the same then I… I’m adorable!” cried Mirror Belle.

There were a series of thunks as four fillies facehooved at the same time. This was immediately followed by two “ow”s. The exception was Pony Belle, who just blushed.

“This is so weird. It feels like Ah’m standin’ on tiptoes, only it’s way more comfortable than it should be,” grumbled Mirror Bloom as she struggled to stand upright.

“Well, hooves are basically giant fingernails. We really are walking on tiptoes, just with one really big toe on the end of each leg,” explained Mirror Belle, who was laying down, looking at her hoof in fascination.

“Yeah, with four legs. It feels like I should be hunched over when I’m standing like this, but I’m not. How the heck do you walk while keeping track of this many legs?” added Mirror Scoots as she tried to step forward with a foreleg.

“I dunno. How the hay do you keep upright with only two legs and no tail?” countered Pony Scoots.

“And what the hay is a fingernail? Ah know ya humans have fingers, but do humans have some kind of hand-horseshoe they have to wear? Because that doesn’t make any sense to me,” said Pony Bloom.

“It’s not that kind of nail. She’s talking about that mini-hoof you see on the tip of fingers. You’ve seen a minotaur, Apple Bloom. You had to have noticed them,” said Pony Belle.

“Wait, there are minotaurs here too?” asked Mirror Belle with an awed expression.

“Sure, why not. Unicorns, minotaurs, why not dragons or elves too? We’re in fantasy land, Sweetie Belle. Anything’s possible at this point,” said Mirror Scoots.

“Well, we do have dragons but I’ve never heard of elves…” mumbled Pony Bloom.

“Fantasy? Equestria? Yeah, right. If anything’s fictional here, I’d say your world is out of sci-fi. I mean, self-driving carriages? How is that even possible?” countered Pony Scoots.

“How is anything possible? How are we even here? Are our worlds reflections of each other, or part of some bigger whole? Is one of us the real version of Equestria, or is there another, purer dimension that all of us are pale imitations of?” asked Pony Belle.

Everpony paused to look at Pony Belle in disbelief.

“I’m just saying that’s a stupid question, Scootaloo. Especially after our trip to the future. And I think we’ve got better things to do today than get philosophical. We have guests, after all,” said Pony Belle.

“Fair enough. But that does beg the question, why are y’all even here? Is somethin’ weird happenin’ on your side of the portal we should know about?” asked Pony Bloom.

“Oh, well, not really. We were just poking around the statue after school when we realized that the portal was open, so we figured why not pop in and see what’s like over here?” explained Mirror Belle.

“And over here there’s a bunch of talking horses, apparently,” added Mirror Scoots.

“We’re ponies, not horses. That’s like saying humans are monkeys or something,” corrected Pony Belle.

This once again earned her some strange looks.

“What? I mean, they look kind of like apes, so I figured it was an accurate comparison,” said Pony Belle.

“Fine, ponies. That just makes this place seem even more cutesy,” grumbled Mirror Scoots.

“Hey! I resent being called cute,” said Pony Scoots.

“You kind of are. With the big eyes, tiny wings, and fuzzy orange coat you almost look like a plushie,” said Mirror Belle.

Pony Scoots turned away with a huff, her face quickly turning red.

“Well, I dunno about being a plushie, but I guess if you wanted you could just…” Pony Bloom started to say but then clamped her hooves to her mouth.

“She could what?” asked Mirror Bloom.

Pony Belle and Pony Scoots gave Pony Bloom annoyed looks, but then let out sighs.

“Whatever. It’s not like they’re really secrets anymore. Let’s just say that the three of us are kind of weird, even by pony standards,” said Pony Belle.

“Wait, weirdness is some kind of standard here?” asked Mirror Bloom with a raised eyebrow.

“It is in Ponyville. This town’s been dubbed Equestria’s biggest weirdness magnet,” admitted Pony Scoots.

“Ponyville? You live in a town called Ponyville? Seriously?” asked Mirror Scoots in disbelief.

“Yes, really. We didn’t pick the name, but that should just show how crazy this place is,” said Pony Belle.

“A town named after your own species? What could possibly be weird by that standard?” asked Mirror Belle.

“A town full of crispy looking undead, time travelin’ robots, and shapeshiftin’ bug ponies corrupted by evil purple slime with eyeballs,” answered Pony Bloom.

The room was silent for a moment, before Mirror Scoots carefully put a hoof to her face.

“Forget anyone falling through from our side and stealing magic. I’m suddenly a lot more concerned about something coming out from this side. What’s next? Magic stones that erase memories? Mirrors that act as pocket dimensions? Sticks that control storms?” asked Mirror Scoots.

“Well, we really don’t need sticks to do that one,” commented Pony Belle.

After a rather familiar story session, the humans-turned-ponies could only stare at their counterparts.

“Wow. And I thought the whole siren thing was messy,” said Mirror Belle.

“Seriously, you have the nerve to call our world sci-fi after you traveled to the future to watch your Sweetie Belle get turned into a robot? What the actual heck?” asked Mirror Scootaloo.

“Yeah, our lives are weird. Though come to think of it, if you three are us from another dimension, maybe you girls have weird secrets similar to ours?” suggested Pony Belle.

The three temporary ponies put their hooves to their mouths in thought for a minute or so.

“Well, I dunno if it counts as a secret, but I do have a pacemaker,” said Mirror Belle.

“You have a what now?” asked Pony Bloom.

“A pacemaker. It’s… basically a machine in my chest that help my heart work properly,” explained Mirror Belle.

“Wait, you have some kind of machine inside you and you still decided to travel through the portal?! What if it come out wrong when you turned into a pony and… and… well, I guess if that had happened you wouldn’t be talking with us right now,” said Pony Belle with a blush.

“Well, to be fair we didn’t know about the whole ‘turn into ponies’ thing. But yeah, I’m really happy that didn’t happen,” said Mirror Belle, looking a little pale at the idea.

“Still, that kind of matches up with our Sweetie Belle’s secret. Maybe you two have something similar? Like, human Apple Bloom, did anything happen to you that’s related to death, or zombies, or something?” asked Pony Scoots.

“Well, there was the time Ah technically died,” said Mirror Bloom.

The local CMC looked at Mirror Bloom with dropped jaws.

“Ah mean, Ah was medically dead for a minute or so. Ah got really sick when Ah was little. Like, had to spend ages in the hospital sick. There was one point where my body was so messed up Ah wasn’t breathin’ and mah heart stopped, but Ah managed to come back from that. So, yeah, Ah technically died,” explained Mirror Bloom.

“Huh. That’s weird. And kind of disturbing, really. But at any rate, that makes it two for two. There’s definitely some sort of parallel here,” noted Pony Belle.

“How about you, other me? I’d really like to know what’s the human equivalent of being a...” started Pony Scoots before she had a hoof shoved in her mouth.

“It’s personal,” said Mirror Scoots.

Everyone in the room, including the other humans, looked at her with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah, I have a bit of a secret, but I haven’t told anyone, not even my friends or Rainbow Dash. And I don’t plan to until I feel ready. So just believe me when I say I know there’s a parallel, and leave it at that, please,” said Mirror Scoots.

There were a few sighs of disappointment across the room, but the matter was dropped for now. Key words being “for now.” Mirror Bloom and Belle were going to torment their friend endlessly until she spilled the beans.

At last, it was time to go. The humans had to get home before their siblings got worried. This hadn’t exactly been a planned trip, after all.

“Welp, it’s been fun. And kind of weird, but still fun. We’ll see you around, I guess,” said Mirror Scootaloo.

“Yeah. And maybe next time you three can call ahead first? It was just dumb luck that the three of us were here to greet you,” said Pony Scoots.

“But there definitely is going to be a next time. This place is amazing! And cute. Oh, so very cute,” said Mirror Belle with a dreamy look in her eyes.

Pony Belle didn’t say anything. She was still a little embarrassed that apparently she was cute to even herself.

“Anyway, y’all take care now. Ya need a hoof to get back through the mirror?” asked Pony Bloom.

“If y’all don’t mind,” said Mirror Bloom with a blush.

There was a moment of awkwardness as the local ponies helped their counterparts hobble through the mirror. At last, they were through, and everyone’s names could be used properly once again.

“Whew. Wasn’t expecting to deal with that today,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Since when do we ever expect to deal with anything that happens in this town?” asked Scootaloo.

“Eh, it happens from time to time. Like with mah cousin Babs or Thorax. We had a little time to prepare for those. Now, where’s that dictionary?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Wait, why did we need to find a dictionary again?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“We were arguing over it’s an ‘i’ or an ‘e’ in… uh… what was it again? After everything with the human versions of us I completely forgot,” admitted Scootaloo.

“I believe it was the word ‘believe,’” said Goose.

“That has an ‘i’ and an ‘e’, Goose. I think it was…”

“I bet it was p-”

“SHUT UP, TWITCH!”

“I think it was… er… horse apples,” cursed Apple Bloom.

“Darn it. We went through all this trouble and didn’t even get what we came for. And we still have no idea how to get out of this place,” grumbled Sweetie Belle.

“Could be worse. At least we’re not lost in a bunch of caves,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah. At least in here’s there’s windows and… wait, was that another insult at changeling hives?!” demanded Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle just sighed as her friends started arguing and grabbed a book off the shelf. This was going to take a while.

None of them noticed the small black dot residing in the corner of the library...

-Begin Transmission

Agent SCTL14 reporting.

Mission completed, full analysis to follow.

Results promising. Protocol B may be enacted sooner than anticipated.

Unfortunate and unexpected complications occurred. Personal request that Protocol B be enacted swiftly.

-End Transmission

Author's Note

So, yeah. If you think about it, there technically are real life cyborgs and zombies. Shape shifting bugs on the other hand, not so much. At least, that I know of. Anyone know a real-life technical tie-in to changelings?

So I had to get a little more creative about Mirror Scootaloo here. And it may have something to do with that ending bit. Or does it (mwah ha ha)? Either way, I'm looking forward to people's guesses.

Chapter 9: A Glimmer of False Hope

Starlight Glimmer took a deep breath and braced herself. It was crucial to be in the proper mindset before making her appearance. Too angry, and she’d scare off possible new recruits. Too cheerful, and they’d think their actions had no consequences here. She needed to hit that perfect balance of stern and friendly to make this work.

Especially since these ponies had to be put in the reeducation building before they’d even had their marks removed.

“Alright, so as far as you know, these ponies just walked right up to Our Town, gave gasps of horror, and immediately started attacking ponies?” asked Starlight.

“Yep. Only gave a few bruises before we pinned them down, though. They were screaming something about ‘cursed ponies’ and ‘monsters.’ I think the idea of equality really spooked them for some reason,” said Double Diamond.

Starlight raised an eyebrow. She knew there were going to be ponies who didn’t exactly jump around with excitement at the idea of equality, but striking ponies like that seemed like a bit of an overreaction.

…

Then again, the stereotypical pony wasn’t exactly known for acting rationally...

“Has anyone questioned them yet? Or at least asked why they started attacking?” asked Starlight.

“Well, you did tell us to let you handle any outsiders, so no. But I did overhear them mention ‘not technically being Celestia’s orders’ or something like that,” said Double Diamond.

It didn’t take long for Starlight to make the connection.

“Great. They’re a bunch of Celestia’s Witnesses or something. These are exactly the kind of ponies I knew would give us trouble with spreading equality to all of Equestria, and they found Our Town before I could finalize a plan on how to get them to understand,” said Starlight as she fought the urge to facehoof.

“So, what do we do then? Leave them in there for a few days and see if that does anything?” asked Double Diamond.

“No. Ponies like them are so devoted to their faith that nothing short of proving their ideology wrong will convince them otherwise, and even then that’s not a guarantee. If there wasn’t a danger of them running to the Princesses before we’re ready for that step, I’d say we’d be better off just letting them leave. We can’t just hold them here for months while we build up our community,” answered Starlight.

“Yeah. We only have one reeducation building, after all. So, what’s the plan, then?” asked Double Diamond.

“Well… I guess we can try to convince them that Our Town is something the Princess approved of. Hay, we can probably claim this was organized by the Elements of Harmony. They’ll probably buy that,” answered Starlight.

Starlight just stared. Her mind was temporarily on standby, so this was literally all she was capable of.

“So…Twilight? what’s the scoop with the thing?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Her companions looked at her with various degrees of confusion, with the exception of Pinkie Pie. She just continued making a house of books with the “literature” they’d been provided with.

“What thing? I can’t tell what you’re referring to with that vague a description,” said Twilight.

“You know, the thing in the place we’re not supposed to talk about?” answered Rainbow with an eyeroll.

“I don’t believe that narrows it down very much, Rainbow Dash. That leaves quite a great deal many ‘things’ you could be referring to,” said Rarity.

“Yeah. Ain’t like we constantly get involved in a lot of big government things or nothin’,” added Applejack.

“Creativity is a bad thing!” said the loudspeaker.

Taking a moment to glare at the speakers, Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and made an effort not to yell at anypony. She succeeded, but it was a near thing.

“I’m talking about the thing you were telling us a few days after Tirek finished rampaging. With the mirror?” clarified Rainbow.

“Oh! That thing! Well, there were some delays, but things should start…” said Twilight.

“Um, excuse me?” whispered Fluttershy.

Everyone paused and looked towards the shy mare. Fluttershy didn’t say anything else, she just pointed at Starlight. Despite suddenly being the center of attention, Starlight could only continue to stare, mostly at the purple mare. The mare that happened to be an alicorn.

“Buck, one of them’s an alicorn! Why the buck did nopony tell me there was a bucking alicorn?! Buck, that must be Princess Twilight Sparkle! Buck, they must be the Elements of Harmony! And they attacked Our Town on sight! Buck, buck, buck!” thought Starlight Glimmer.

“Oh! Sorry, we didn’t hear you come in. Are you the mare in charge of this town?” asked Twilight.

Starlight jumped, shook her head, and desperately tried to regain control of the situation.

“Um… yes! I’m the mayor of this happy little community. My name is Starlight Glimmer. I would say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but after your actions upon arriving, I must admit I’m a little concerned. Why did you feel the need to attack the fair poines of Our Town?” asked Starlight with what she hoped was a troubled expression (it was).

“Did anypony else hear those capital letters?” asked Pinkie Pie.

Starlight didn’t even noticed her speak. She was too busy trying to come up with a plan.

“OK, just stay calm, Starlight. The ‘Elements of Harmony’ excuse isn’t going to work, but they’re clearly not Celestia’s Witnesses. They might be possible to convince. You can turn this around,” thought Starlight.

“Not now, Pinkie. Er, yes. Sorry about that. We saw the way everypony’s cutie marks are the same and thought this might have been a town full of ghouls,” said Twilight.

Any ideas Starlight might have started to form at that point fell apart.

“Uh… come again? Did you say ghouls?” asked Starlight, looking at the ponies in front of her in disbelief.

“Yes, Ghouls. More precisely, class G ghouls. There was a sighting of a town of them that believe cutie marks are some kind of evil curse. They took the form of normal ponies to draw victims in and, well, you know how contagious those kinds of ghouls are,” explained Twilight.

Starlight didn’t know, but that was besides the point. There were many responses a pony could have to being informed of the existence of a village of undead. Fear, confusion, disbelief, ect. But Starlight’s reaction was rather unique. The only thing she felt upon hearing this news was the sensation of all of her plans collapsing before they’d even gotten off the ground.

“Er… yes. Of course. I… understand where you’re coming from, but I can assure you that there are no undead in Our Town,” said Starlight with an awkward smile.

“OK, seriously, I can’t be the only one who’s hearing that,” said Pinkie.

Starlight continued to fail to notice her.

“How am I supposed to convince anypony the values of equality if the closest equivalent is a village of undead?! How the buck am I supposed to keep the ponies I’ve already convinced to stay by my side if they hear about this?! Oh buck me, what the buck do I do?!” thought Starlight in a mad panic.

Unknown to her, her panic was leaking through her face, making the other ponies in the room somewhat concerned, and more than a little suspicious.

“Um… Thank you for being understanding. Well, even without your reassurance, it’s apparent to us now that whatever is happening in this town, the ghouls we were concerned about are most likely not involved. We want to formally apologize for attacking like that, and do anything we can to help to make up for it,” said Twilight.

Starlight saw the opening, and failed to realize it had been left open intentionally.

“Yes! I mean, yes, there is something you can do for me. I was wondering if you could tell me why you six were in the area. I mean, I can’t imagine why an alicorn and her… companions would be out here in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason,” said Starlight with as sincere a chuckle as she could manage.

At this point, even Fluttershy was looking at her rather dubiously. Nevertheless, Twilight let out a cough and continued speaking.

“Well, that’s sort of the issue here. We were sent here by… let’s say a force of Harmony. We’re not entirely sure why we’re here, just that there is something here we’re likely needed for. I don’t suppose there’s any problems in the area we could help with?” asked Twilight.

“Yes. You can all get the buck out of here before all this talk of ghouls causes my ponies to leave! That would very much help! Not that you will, since apparently Harmony itself has...” thought Starlight before her train of thought screeched to a halt.

Harmony, true capital ‘H’ Harmony, was a mystery. Was it a benevolent spirit? A possibly perfect ideology to strive for? A myth from the Age of Light? It was something worth pursuing, that much was certain, but the fact was that no one knew what true Harmony really looked liked, or how to obtain it. Well, with the exception of those who believed that their vision of the future was the one true way to Harmony. And Starlight Glimmer happened to be such a mare.

“Could it be? Has Harmony itself delivered Twilight Sparkle and her followers to me to spread equality to all of Equestria? Is this the day where the next great Age begins?” thought Starlight.

The idea quickly took root in her mind, and refused to let go. The panic faded from her mind as hope began to bloom in her heart. Whatever complications or issues might arise, as long as Harmony willed it, Equestria would have equality.

“Well, nothing springs to mind. But if you have any business in the area I can arrange for a room for you all. I’m certain that with a little time, Our Town will leave quite the impression,” said Starlight with the first sincere smile she’s had since she entered the room.

“Wait, this place is actually called ‘Our Town?’ Geez, and ponies say ‘Ponyville’ is a silly name,” said Pinkie Pie.

Starlight heard her this time, and chose to continue ignoring her.

“If you’ll just excuse me for a moment, I need to speak with the rest of the town and explain the situation. We’ll let you out of here in just a moment,” said Starlight with a smile.

The moment she stepped outside, the six friends looked at each other.

“I bet this is some kind of cult. The loudspeakers are saying a ton of creepy stuff that makes no sense,” said Rainbow Dash.

“No deal on that bet. It’s way too obvious. The real question is what kind of cult, and mah money’s on some kind of political hooey,” said Applejack.

“I quite agree. Did any of you happen to notice how utterly plain and flat everything about this town is? There’s something quite foul in this place, I am sure of it,” added Rarity.

“Yep. This is totally going to end with us beating up or reforming that Starlight pony,” added Pinkie Pie.

“Well, I’m not sure about the beating up part, but I agree that something needs to be done. Ready to save the day again, girls?” asked Twilight.

There were five loud cheers of excitement, plus Fluttershy’s less than loud cheer. Creepy cults? Unnatural cutie marks? Weird harmony magic they really didn’t understand yet? Just another workday for the six of them, really.

In another time, another place, another series of events and variants, Starlight Glimmer ran from her village in anger, vowing revenge and scheming how to make those six ponies pay for ruining her dreams of equality.

In this time, this place, after a series of events that most would describe as “typical considering who was involved,” Starlight didn’t run in anger. For while other versions of Starlight could cling to denial, claim that such things didn’t even matter, or simply not even consider the possibility, this one had built what remained of her hope around a delusion that had been stripped away by one terrible truth:

Harmony did not approve of her plans.

“So… we’ve decided, unanimously, that removing our cutie marks is a bad idea and we don’t want to do that anymore,” said Sugar Belle.

“It’s not that we disagree with what you’ve been saying all this time… well, not entirely…” said Party Favor before he trailed off.

“But we really don’t want to end up as a town full of hate-filled undead, so… yeah. We’re going to have to stop the whole equality thing,” said Night Glider.

Double Diamond didn’t say anything, though his expression was very uncomfortable. It was clear he felt guilty about the whole thing, but whether that was from what was currently happening or because he’d followed Starlight so devotedly for so long was unclear.

Either way, Starlight could see that she had no support. The six ponies who had done this were simply part of the crowd, looking at her with various degrees of pity. And she didn’t have the strength to argue anymore.

“I… understand. I mean, ghouls, right? Who could have seen that coming? I guess I just have to accept that I was… wrong,” said Starlight, struggling to hold back tears.

Most of the ponies in the crowd gave her gentle smiles.

“It’s alright, Starlight. We know you were just trying to help ponies. And you did help us establish Our Town in the first place. Even without the equality thing, we’d be happy to let you stay the mayor and…” said Sugar Belle.

“No. I can’t. I just… I can’t. I’m sorry everypony. This town will just have to elect someone else. I… I need some time to think,” said Starlight.

As she turned to leave, however, Starlight noticed the alicorn step forward.

“Starlight, I understand you feel terrible right now, but that doesn’t mean you have to isolate yourself. We could…” started Twilight Sparkle.

But Starlight didn’t let her finish. She just lit up her horn and teleported away.

“Oh dear. I think she might be taking things a great deal harder than we anticipated,” said Rarity.

“Yeah. Ah guess she really did want to help ponies. She was just goin’ about it the wrong way,” said Applejack.

“And we didn’t even need to beat her up to make her realize that. That has to count for something,” added Pinkie Pie.

Many ponies in the crowd gave her funny looks, but they lived in the same town as Party Favor. Even if he’d spent most of his time in Our Town without his cutie mark, they weren’t entirely unfamiliar with party pony antics.

“So… now what? Do we look around and try to find her?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“If she wants to be left alone, I think the best thing we can do is let her be alone. And I really don’t think any of us should go after her. We are kind of responsible for this,” said Flutterhsy.

“I agree. If nothing else, I doubt she’d listen to the six of us right now. That said, we shouldn’t let her sulk for too long. if nopony sees her after a few hours, someone needs to look for her,” said Twilight.

“We’ll handle that. She’s still an important part of our community, mayor or not. And I bet Double Diamond knows all her favorite hiding places,” said Night Gale.

Double Diamond let out a sigh. He knew it’d come down to him. This was going to be all kinds of awkward.

Hours later, the ponies of Our Town had to accept the fact that Starlight had left the area. She wasn’t in any of her favorite hiding places, she wasn’t waiting in the cutie mark vault, and she wasn’t even in the cave they’d been surprised to discover under her bed. The six visiting mares choose to stick around and help with the search, even after their cutie marks had shown that their mission was complete, but it the end, no sign of Starlight was found.

In this time, in this place, Starlight didn’t run from the Our Town in anger and disgrace. She ran in shame and despair.

And so Starlight found herself on a lonely road, the only one she knew led away from Our Town. She didn’t know where it was going, but she walked alone. And as she slowly trotted down this empty street, her mind was lost on the boulevard of broken dreams.

Yeah. Ghouls. Don’t want to end up one of those. But if I’m honest with myself, that doesn’t really matter. Face it Starlight, this whole thing was doomed from the start. It’s not like you had any actual plans. Your entire strategy was to use that spell you memorized before it was locked up because it was too dangerous. Did you really think nopony would notice that? That the Princesses wouldn’t notice that?

Starlight kicked a small stone as her mind continued to spiral downwards.

And yeah, the Princesses. No real clue how to address them. It’s not like they needed their cutie marks to help them move the bucking sun and moon or anything. And really, what was the whole point of it all? Yeah, what Sunburst did was terrible, but can you really blame him for leaving you? You tried to make a cult. You built a house to brainwash ponies into following you. You were fantasizing about overthrowing the crown.

Starlight started crying again, but she didn’t stop walking.

Maybe it wasn’t because of his mark that he left you. He left you because he realized that you’re a horrible pony who deserves to be alone. And maybe you should be. Harmony opposes you. Equestria’s heros came to stop you. That makes you a villain. A monster. No better than Nightmare Moon or Discord, plunging the world into darkness for your own petty gratification.

Starlight stopped, collapsed to the ground, and began sobbing. Her thoughts fell apart at this point, an aimless wandering of self-loathing and despair. But then…

What if...

Starlight’s mind froze as the thought entered her mind. She paused, thinking it over. It was a stupid idea, even she had to admit it, and it would takes months to prepare if it was even possible, but the idea refused to let go. She shouldn’t bother. She shouldn’t even be considering it, but...

“I… I have to know,” she whispered.

She pulled herself back up, and continued on her way. She had a plan, a desperate one, but a plan.

A reminder to all personal:

Be aware incident #2605PTL is still scheduled to occur despite recent ripples in the time stream. Please make certain all necessary measures are still in place and functional. And if we have to go through another “sheepocalypse” because someone didn’t bother updating the air conditioning settings again, I’m firing everyone involved in this matter. That includes you, Socket. Get your flank down there and do your bucking job for once.

-Time Keeper, T.I.M.E. superintendent.

Author's Note

Ah, Starlight. Your anti-cutie mark utopia was doomed to fail the moment Story of the Blanks was involved in this AU. There as no way the mane six wouldn't draw comparisons when they came to visit. And don't worry, we're not having another side arc about depressed Starlight. I'm just setting the stage for the season five finale. Oh, the plans I have for that one...

But now that I think about it, considering that there is a certain level of parallel with Starlight's first plan and that town of undead, are there any fics that tie the two together in some way? I'd be surprised if there isn't.

Chapter 11: The Future is Old School

It had taken far longer than expected, mostly because they’d completely forgotten about it for a while, but the CMC were finally ready to give another go at Sweetie Belle’s VR gadget. Well, once they’d properly prepared of course.

“Alright. We’ve got the time, the book, the fuel, the entire Carousel Boutique to ourselves, and the coltfriend. We just need Apple Bloom to get back with the popcorn and we’ll be ready,” declared Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle glanced up from the massive pile of sandwiches she was staking to give her friend a deadpan glare.

“Ok, this is getting old, Scootaloo. How many times do we have to tell you we’re not in a relationship? He’s not my coltfriend,” said Sweetie Belle.

“I dunno. How many times do you two need to deny it before you just accept the truth and start having proper dates? I mean, inviting your significant other to spend time with us is one thing, but having him come over to help us figure out how your new gadget works? And him saying yes? I’d say you two are hopeless at romance if it wasn’t apparent that you’re just perfect for each other,” replied Scootaloo.

“Scootaloo, do you enjoy having teeth? Because I’m seriously starting to wonder if you have too many and I should fix that,” warned Sweetie Belle with a growl.

Scootaloo blinked at Sweetie Belle’s surprisingly violent threat, but then smirked. She was about to give a witty remark that likely would have earned her a trip to the dentist, but then Button Mash walked into the room.

“Hey, Apple Bloom’s almost done with the… Woah! That’s a lot of sandwiches! Are you really going to eat all of them?” asked Button Mash.

Sweetie Belle paused to give Scootaloo one last glare, then turned to face her other friend. Just her friend, because Button Mash was in no shape, way, or form her coltfriend.

“Well, if we use it too long, then yes. I burn through a lot of energy when I’m using my gadgets, so either I eat a ton while we use it, or I have to stuff my face when we’re done. And I’d rather avoid the hunger cramps,” explained Sweetie belle.

“Huh. That’s kind of weird. But then again, can robots even get fat?” pondered Button Mash.

“See what I mean? Perfect for each other. You even ask the same crazy questions,” teased Scootaloo.

Button Mash and Sweetie Belle gave Scootaloo matching glares. It would have been intimidating if they weren’t so dang cute when they did it at the exact same time in the exact same way.

“Anyway, to answer your question, Button, I don’t think so. I mean, after the cake incident at Twilight’s ascension party, I’m pretty sure my stomach can break down a lot more than this stack of sandwiches without any problems,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Cake incident?” asked Button Mash.

“Oh, right. You weren’t at the party and… Shoot, I shouldn’t have brought that up…” mumbled Sweetie Belle as she started to blush.

“Eh… I think I can guess what happened. You don’t have to explain it if you don’t want to,” said Button Mash with a blush of his own.

Scootaloo held back a giggle, but only barely. If those two didn’t end up a couple some day, She’d eat her… wait, she didn’t wear a hat. Or anything else for that matter. Crap.

“Oops. Guess you’ll have to use a different expression, Scoots,” teased Dove.

“Oh the horror of having your train of thought derailed. It’s such a world shattering tragedy,” snarked Uno.

“Or you could just eat your leg. That’s always an option,” added Twitch.

“Shut up, Twitch!” cried the rest of the hive.

“Gah... Seriously, don’t you guys have anything better to do than be my peanut gallery? You don’t see me poking my muzzle in minds where it doesn’t belong,” demanded Scootaloo.

“That’s because the insanity you call a life is far more interesting than anything that happens back here at the hive. I mean, you do live in Ponyville, after all,” said Beetle.

“Yeah. And I’d say your mind is actually where I belong. Your misery gives me sustenance. Oh, yes…” added Twitch with what could be described as a suggestive moan.

“Ugh… Mom! Twitch is being extra creepy again!” said Goose.

“And going on about that stupid eating misery thing, too,” added Lynx.

“Oh no. Not that nonsense again,” groaned Blue Monarch.

Twitch just let out another cackle.

“Alright, I think that’s all of it. You can start it up whenever you’re ready, Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle took a deep breath in anticipation. This was probably going to get strange, even by the standards they had these days.

“Uh… are you going to go full robot? I heard you can do that,” asked Button Mash.

“Well, no. I don’t have to become Sweetie Bot to use my gadgets. But if you’re really curious, I can show you another time, Button,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Cool! I mean, yeah. That’d be neat,” said Button Mash with a blush.

“Alright, that’s enough distractions, you two. let’s get this started,” said Apple Bloom.

“Right, sorry. Activate VR System,” declared Sweetie Belle.

In a flash, Sweetie Belle once again found herself in a familiar empty void. It occurred to her how weird it was that an empty void could even become familiar, but then again, weird was a pretty good word to describe her life in general.

“Wow…” was Button Mash’s only response.

“Alright, where did we leave off last time?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Ah think we were about to activate some kind of box or something,” came Apple Bloom’s voice from seemingly everywhere.

“Oh, right. The interface. I think Scootaloo wanted to see the underwater setting,” remembered Sweetie Belle.

With a thought, said interface appeared in front of her.

“Ok, let’s see here… pre-made environments… underwater. Here goes,” said Sweetie Belle.

There was a soft beep, and the endless white void was replaced with an endless blue sea. There was sunlight streaming down from above, but no surface in sight. There was no ground for that matter either, which left Sweetie Belle a little disoriented as she could still feel the floor underneath her.

“Woah… even if it’s just water, that’s some really realistic graphics,” said Button Mash.

“I don’t think anypony really cares about water physics, Button. I mean, water levels always suck anyway. So what if they’re pretty looking? They still suck,” countered Scootaloo.

“Scootaloo…” started Button.

“Uh, not to be a bother, but aren’t we here for Sweetie Belle? Y’all can argue about video games another time,” interrupted Apple Bloom.

“Right, sorry,” said Button.

“Same. So… what else can this thing do? Can we fill it with fish or something?” asked Scootaloo.

“I think so, but I’ll have to find it first. I’m not really sure how to use this menu thing. Also, could you pass me a sandwich?” replied Sweetie Belle.

“Wait, you’re feeling hungry already?” asked Button.

“Not really, but I don’t feel like waiting until I do,” replied Sweetie Belle.

A moment later, Sweetie felt something enter her mouth, and started chewing. As she ate, she poked around a few tabs and screens, eventually finding a ‘utilities’ page.

“Hm… I don’t think this is what we’re looking… Huh? ‘Activate audience screen?’ You said I’m sort of projecting everything I see in this place, so shouldn’t that mean it’s already active?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“I dunno. Try turning it on and see what happens,” suggested Button.

“Ah don’t think that’s a good idea. What if it sucks us into her or something?”asked Apple Bloom.

“I’m pretty sure Sweetie Belle doesn’t have a built in time cube, Apple Bloom. And if it can be turned on, that means it can be turned off, whatever it is,” said Scootaloo.

“Ah guess,” mumbed Apple Bloom.

“Alright, then. Here goes,” said Sweetie Belle.

There was another beep, and suddenly a window appeared near Sweetie Belle, revealing the faces of her friends. All of whom were stuffing their faces with popcorn.

“Oh! There you are, Sweetie Belle. Though, it’s kind of weird to see you just standing there underwater. Kind of like you’re breaking the laws of physics or something,” said Button Mash.

“I guess this means we get a third person view?” suggested Scootaloo.

“I think it’s more for my benefit than yours. I can see you three now,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Oh… that makes much more sense. Though why in Equestria wasn’t that the default setting?” asked Button Mash.

“No idea, but I’m leaving it on. I prefer not hearing your voices from the void. Let’s keep looking,” said Sweetie Belle.

Finally, they found it in a menu labeled “objects.”

“There it is! Sheesh, this took forever!” cried Scootaloo.

“It took three minutes, Scootaloo. Ah counted,” said Apple Bloom.

“Wait, what? Why?” asked Scootaloo.

“Because Ah knew ya would complain about it,” replied Apple Bloom with a smirk.

“Anyway, let’s try adding some fish to this ocean,” said Sweetie Belle.

A few taps of the menu later, and a small school of fish appeared in the water, frozen in time. They proceeded to remain frozen and do absolutely nothing.

“Uh… is it broken?” asked Apple Bloom.

“I don’t think so. I bet we just need to tell them to do something,” said Button Mash.

“So… just tap the fish?” asked Sweetie Belle.

She gave said fish a tap, and sure enough, another menu popped up. She was immediately overwhelmed by the sheer number of options.

“Aw geez… look at all this! Pathfinding, behavior patterns, special responses… I guess some of these sound kind of obvious, but wow,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Huh. This kind of reminds me of when my dad took me to work once,” said Button Mash.

“Wait, you mean we’re basically making our own video game?” asked Scootaloo in surprise.

“Well, maybe. I really didn’t understand half of what they were doing, but I think if we can figure out how to use this thing, we probably could,” said Button Mash.

“Sounds mighty complicated to me. And kind of borin’, considerin’ Sweetie Belle’s doin’ all the work,” said Apple Bloom.

“Is there anything in the manual?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Oh! Right, forgot to check that,” admitted Scootaloo before she pulled out said manual.

“Let’s see… gah. Past the setup and basic functions it just says ‘please consult Pipeline VR manual for more details.’ Yeah, as if we have one of those. I guess this sort of stuff is kind of standard in the future,” said Scootaloo with a shake of her head.

“Wait, it does mention this version comes with pre-built MC and… oooh?” said Apple Bloom.

“MC and what?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“OO. It’s two ‘o’s right next to each other. Or maybe zeros? Ah don’t know,” explained Apple Bloom.

“Maybe we should check those pre-built environments? These sound like actual finished games we could give a try,” suggested Button Mash.

“What makes you certain they’re games?” asked Scootaloo.

“Nothing, really. I’m just hoping they are. Can you imagine how cool a video game from the future would be?” said Button with an awe-struck look on his face.

“Wow, Button. Just wow,” said Scootaloo with a shake of her head.

“He has a point though. Maybe we can get a better idea of how this thing works if we see a finished version,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Right, and totally not because you want to impress your colt… ah!” cried Scootaloo as Button shoved her out of Sweetie Belle’s window.

“I’m getting real sick of that joke,” grumbled Button Mash.

“Well, Ah say we go for it. If nothin’ else, one of them might be a tutorial or somethin’,” said Apple Bloom.

“Alright, whatever. So MC or OO?” asked Scootaloo as she walked back onto the screen.

“OO. I gotta know what that stands for,” said Button Mash.

A few taps of the menu later, the endless ocean gave away to a gray cavern. There were torches in the walls and a large door, but otherwise no indication that this was anything other than another empty space.

“Huh. Wasn’t expecting a dungeon of some kind. I guess Button was right about it being a video game,” said Scootaloo.

“Doesn’t look like there’s anything pre-built, though. Can you check the menus, Sweetie Belle?” asked Button Mash.

Sweetie looked back at the menu, and was surprised to see that the interface had changed entirely. It had gone from a plain, simple design to a fancy looking one complete with swords for a border.

“Huh. That’s new. There’s even a bunch of new tabs. Dungeon design, character creator, DM vision...” read Sweetie Belle.

Suddenly, Button Mash let out a gasp.

“Sweet Celestia, I just figured out what this is!” he cried.

The others looked at him in confusion.

“Don’t you girls see it?! This has to be one of the most awesome things ever!” cried Button Mash with a squeal of glee.

One calmed down pony, a single name spoken, three more calmed down ponies, a trip to Button’s house, a lengthy explanation, another calmed down pony, and an extensive character design session later...

… and then, the heroes come face to face with the mysterious warrior.

“Greetings to you. I am…”

“Wait. I was kind of picturing her being a little bulkier,” said Scootaloo.

On the projection, the cleric Holy Light turned and looked at the ponies sitting around the table and groaned.

“We spent twenty minutes trying to get her to look right, Scootaloo. Would you please stop reimagining her every five seconds? Also, sandwich please,” said Holy Light.

“Indeed. Must every inch of me be so tightly scrutinized?” asked the newly introduced Lancer Lot with Sweetie Belle’s voice.

“Gah… Ok, I admit I’m nitpicking, but please stop speaking though other characters, Sweetie Belle. It’s kind of creepy,” said Scootaloo.

“Said the changeling?” asked Apple Bloom with a raised eyebrow.

“Having multiple minds in one head is far less creepy than one mind in multiple heads. There’s a big difference,” said Scootaloo.

“I don’t get it,” said Button Mash as he rubbed the back of his head in confusion.

“Ahem. Can we continue, please?” asked Mrs. Mash.

…the heroes step out into the sun, discovering a large, empty garden. The only apparent landmark is a large gazebo in…

“Really, mom?” deadpanned Button Mash.

“Oh come now, Button. It’s a classic, and two of our players have never experienced it yet. It’s only fair they get to see all the O&O traditions,” said Mrs. Mash.

“Tradition?” asked Apple Bloom.

“More like a big inside joke,” grumbled Button Mash.

“What I want to know is why does the gazebo look like a tiny Carousel Boutique? We have gazebos in Ponyville. You know what one looks like, Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo.

“Because this way we get to cause a great deal of property damage to Rarity’s house and not get in trouble for it. I’m hoping this’ll count as our destruction quota for the week. Also, sandwich please,” answered Holy Lights.

“That would be a pleasant change, though I’m a little disappointed to learn you already know where we’re going with this,” said Mrs. Mash as she passed over another sandwich.

“Well, Ah don’t. So what happens next? Why the hay would we be worried about a gazebo?” asked Apple Bloom.

Hog Wash looks at his companions.

“Both of these passages need to be explored. I think we should split up and…”

“No,” said everypony else as they glared at Apple Bloom.

“How can you even suggest that, Apple Bloom? That’d be breaking one of the golden rules of O&O,” chided Scootaloo.

“Golden rules?” asked Apple Bloom with a raised eyebrow.

There were sighs around the table.

“One should know: you never split the party,” recited Button Mash.

“Keep the Clerics in the back,” added Holy Lights.

“Keep your fighters nice and healthy,” said Scootaloo.

“Wizards in the middle, where spells have greatest might,” said Mrs. Mash.

“And never let that darn thief out of sight,” finished everypony together.

“Uh… Ok? Ah guess we won’t split up then. Wait a minute, how do you know these ‘golden rules,’ Sweetie Belle?” asked a very confused Apple Bloom.

“I got an O&O manual for some light reading. They’re listed on the second page,” answered Holy Lights.

“You consider a game manual light reading?” asked Mrs. Mash.

“It’s not like it’s a school book or anything complicated like that. Now pass me another sandwich, please,” said Holy Lights.

“And so, what should have been a day of discovering what the VR system was capable of ended up being a day long O&O session. One might argue that, technically, this isn’t much of a difference as they were utilizing the VR system to…”

“Mom, you’re doing that dumb ‘narrate my children’s lives’ thing again,” said Dove.

“I acknowledge that I am, but if you call my little habit dumb again I’m grounding you,” said Blue Monarch.

“I think she has an excuse this time. I mean, we were watching a game of O&O,” said Uno.

“Literally! That system is so cool! Imagine what sort of other awesome stuff you could do with that!” exclaimed Goose.

“High speed races…” mumbled Lynx.

“Prototype constructions…” added Beetle.

“Blood soaked torture chambers…” added Twitch.

“Wow, Twitch. That’s really the worst image you can try to put in our heads? You’re losing your… AAAAHHHH!!” screamed Dove.

“And, so another day comes to pass. And Twitch is, once again, grounded. Seriously, that was uncalled for, Twitch,” said Blue Monarch.

“My pride says it was absolutely called for,” replied Twitch.

Author's Note

I'm back! And with another chapter I'm not happy with. It's pretty obvious that I hit a block partway through writing this and decided to just make the second half another O&O session. But it's finally finished, and I don't feel like tossing what I've written in the trash.

I can't say what my schedule is going to be like due to recent events, but I'd like to say I'm going to try and get back into the monthly update routine. No promises, but I'll try.

On a more positive note, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. And I suspect many of my readers are going to greatly enjoy it.

Chapter 12: A Typical Day in the Cloudsdale Hive

“Good morning, everyone! I made pancakes!”

“Gah…”

“Ugh…”

“Butter! It’s four-thirty in the morning! It’s way too early for this!”

“I think this is a record for him.”

“Nah. There was that one time he cooked breakfast at two in the morning.”

“Bleh. Don’t remind me.”

“Oops. Sorry, I just wanted to let everyone know the food is nice and hot.”

“Which we never get to enjoy because you always cook it so darn early!”

“Yeah!”

“Seriously.”

“You really need to stop, Butter.”

“Wait a minute, how come mom never punishes him for waking us all up so early?”

“Because she’s practically disguised as a rock when she sleeps?”

“Eh, she’s a rock all the time. You can just tell because of how boring she...”

“Shut up, Twitch!”

“Ah… today’s going to be a great day, I can feel it!”

“Of course you do, Beetle. It’s Saturday. Any day we don’t have school is a good day.”

“Says you. I can think of several hundred examples of why Saturdays are rarely good days.”

“Scootaloo, yours don’t count. A Ponyville Saturday is a completely different story than… well, pretty much an ‘anywhere else’ Saturday.”

“Yeah. Bet you twenty bits that something’s going to happen to her in less than an hour.”

“No deal. It’s way too obvious.”

“Yeah.”

“Agreed.”

“She’s doomed.”

“I’d be offended, but even I have to admit you’re probably right. But maybe this week the disaster won’t happen to me.”

“Maybe, if you hadn’t just jinxed it. Today is sure to give the rest of us quite the show.”

“I’ll start the popcorn.”

“Ugh… and you changelings wonder why I left the hive…”

“Check it out! Scootaloo’s fallen down a well!”

“Wait, what? How?”

“I watched the whole thing, and I have no idea. Something about a wagon, I think.”

“Nah. It was that lawyer creep. She walked right past him a minute ago and didn’t even notice.”

“Oh. Guess she has no one to blame but herself, then.”

“Wow, guys. You’re all so supportive. I bet you’re all just running to Ponyville to help pull me out.”

“Eh, I’m not worried. I’m certain a dog will show up to help you in no time.”

“Really, Twitch? You’re seriously going with such a painfully overused joke?”

“If I didn’t somepony else would. I can’t let any of you steal my thunder.”

“That’s… kind of ominous...”

“Gah! Mom! Twitch put some kind of gunk on my chair!”

“Ew. It looks like toothpaste.”

“Pff. As if I’d resort to such a pedestrian substance.”

“Then what the buck did I just sit in? Vanilla pudding? It doesn't smell like it.”

“Uh… Poppy? I think you’ll want to get out of that chair. Like, right now.”

“Well, I wasn’t planning on staying on it and… wait, I’m stuck! Is this glue?!”

“Quick drying. He he he…”

“Sigh… I’ll get the crowbar.”

“Twitch, I swear, one day I’m going to find a way to kill you that won’t get me arrested…”

“Uh… who left this box out in the tunnel?”

“Whoops. Sorry, Uno. That’d be mine. I was wondering why the weight was suddenly a lot lighter.”

“Ugh, Lynx, what are you doing this time? This thing is almost as big as you are!”

“Exactly. I wanted to do some strength building, so I was carrying that thing around for hours.”

“She’s not lying. She really has carried that thing around the hive. I don’t know how you didn’t notice sooner.”

“Because despite the name, Uno ain’t number one.”

“...”

“...”

“You know, I’m not even angry. That was pretty good, Dove.”

“I try. Unlike certain other changelings.”

“Oh, goodie! I have my next target.”

“Oh! Oh oh oh! I just had an idea!”

“Sigh… what is it this time, Goose?

“What if we set up some ramps, run them through the steeper tunnels, and have a go-kart…”

“No.”

“No.”

“Nope.”

“Uh-uh.”

“No chance.”

“Goose, did you forget what happened last time we tried that?”

“Wait, we already tried that?”

“Yes. And less than two minutes into the race there was a crash that ended it.”

“The final score was twenty changelings in the nearest medical chamber, twelve platforms destroyed that needed to be rebuilt, and an entire chamber full of changelings trapped for eight hours after the cave-in.”

“Which was especially impressive considering that said chamber had six connected tunnels!”

“Though, to be fair, it was mostly Beetle’s fault. If those wheels hadn’t fallen off when Poppy reached that one turn…”

“One time! That was one time, dang it! Everypony else’s karts were fine!”

“Gah! What’s that smell?!”

“What are you talking about… Bleh! What the buck?!”

“Quick, disguise as something with a terrible sense of smell!”

“Whew. That’s much better. Now what the hay was that?”

“I think it was this ugly thing. Hm… yep. Something nasty’s there.”

“I’m not touching it.”

“Me neither. I’m calling a janitor and getting the heck out of here. This has Twitch written all over… GAH!”

“EEEEWWWW! Twitch! What the buck did you do?!”

“A little trick called a distraction. You really shouldn’t let your guard down like that.”

“Bathroom! Bathroom now!”

“Oh, you are so getting it once we’ve cleaned up, Twitch!”

“Hey guys, check it out! Scootaloo crashed through a window and landed in a toilet!”

“I landed ON the toilet! The lid was down! Would you guys just leave me alone already?!”

“Oof. She’s really mad now. Her situation must really stink.”

“Yeah. sounds like you’re having a really crappy day, Scoots.”

“Uh-huh. Sometimes it feels like the world is just dumping on you.”

“Toilet humor?! Really, guys?! Even Twitch wouldn’t stoop that low!”

“I dunno. Maybe if I’m in an extra ******y mood.”

…

“I hate all of you.”

“Oh crud, look out!”

…

“Whew. No one was hurt.”

“Again, Beetle? Seriously, this has to be the twentieth time one of your elevators collapsed this week!”

“Third time this month. If you’re going to mock me, at least do it accurately.”

“She’s right, though. You really need to rework these things.”

“I agree. Beetle, we’re not scheduled for any guests for the next few days. Please take the time to fix these things. We’ve been lucky so far, but one accident while a pony is using the elevator…”

“Right. I’ll get right on it, mom. It’s not like anypony else in this entire hive knows how to use a hammer…”

“What are you talking about, Beetle? You volunteered to build the darn things.”

“I never said I wanted to do the entire job by myself!”

“…”

“…”

“He has a point.”

“So… is this a fail on his end or mom’s?

“Both.”

“Yeah, both.”

“Lunch is ready!”

“Oh, thank the All-Mother. I’m starving!”

“Nice to meet you, starving. Have you met my brother, Uno?”

“Wow. Just wow. Aren’t you a little young for dad jokes?”

“What the heck even is a dad joke? How is it any different from a typical, cheesy, bad one?”

“It’s the kind of joke a dad would make.”

“Which means what exactly? None of us really have dads...”

“Well, technically, when mom…”

“Twitch! Shut up before I run to the other end of the hive and knock all your teeth out!”

“I agree. That is not a subject you should be talking about, Twitch.”

“Yeah. I thought even you disliked thinking about it.”

“I do. I just wanted the topic to come up right before lunch.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“All of you better still eat this. I spent hours cooking it.”

“Hey, check it out! Scootaloo’s stuck in a tree!”

“I am not! I’m just resting while I wait for my friends.”

“Resting while dangling from one leg trapped between branches?”

“Yeah. I’m trying to relax the thestral way.”

“I think that’s just a myth.”

“I dunno. The thestrals lived in caves. Who’s to say they didn’t sleep hanging from the ceiling?”

“Because they were only half-bat? And all the blood would have rushed to their brains? There’s no evidence they did it, Goose.”

“Well, there’s no evidence they didn't do it, either.”

“Are we really arguing over this? Shouldn’t we be focusing on Scootaloo?”

“Nope. You’re supposed to be good and distracted so I don’t have to put up with you until I get down.”

“Oh. That makes sense!”

“Goose, I swear…”

“No.”

“Uh… no what?”

“No, I’m not going in there.”

“Uh… why?”

“My Twitch Sense is tingling. I can tell that he’s been here recently, and I want nothing to do with it.”

“You have a Twitch Sense?”

“Where do I get one?”

“I’d give you my life savings for it.”

“You spend all your bits the moment you get them, Beetle. And besides, by this point all of us should have one. You can only suffer this torment for so long before you start building up resistances to it.”

“Uh… Dove? You might want to look behind you.”

“... Nothing. What are you… Ah!”

“Gah!”

“Ew!”

“Seriously?!”

“Welp, looks like the Twitch Sense of yours needs tuning, Dove. Clearly, it’s nowhere near strong enough to stop me.”

“That’s not something to take pride in, Twitch.”

“Says you. Now have fun scrubbing that out of your chitin.”

“Mom! Twitch locked the bathroom door shut again!”

“Stop it, Twitch! My plushies do not belong on a dart board!”

“Twitch! What the buck did you do to my favorite vase?!”

“Actually, that one was me. Sorry, I lost my balance at the worst possible moment. I’m getting the glue right now.”

“You know, as much as I’d hate to admit it, I am not responsible for everything that goes wrong in the hive. And I am not the sort to take undeserved credit.”

“Oh. Well, I’d apologize, but I don’t think you deserve it, Twitch. Or even want it. Wait, how would glue help this mess?”

“Well, how else are we going to put it back together?”

“But it’s not just broken. It’s covered in this pink gunk.”

“What? I didn’t do that. All I did was break it.”

“Then why…”

“I do, however, take all the credit for that one. Might want to do something about the bubble gum before it hardens.”

“I… you… ugh, Twitch! I swear to the All-Mother…”

“Hey! Scootaloo just ate half her body weight in cotton candy!”

“Ugh… my stomach…”

“Really, what were you expecting, taking a bet like that? If you’re going to do something that stupid, at least make sure you get a decent number of bits out of it.”

“Yeah. And leave the binge eating to the robot. At least she doesn’t end up sick because of it. Which is completely unfair, by the way.”

“Or the ghoul. Then again, it would probably hurt, but it wouldn’t kill her.”

“Hm… you know, there might be some value to that idea. If we’re doing an interrogation…”

“None of that now. You’re far too young to be thinking of such things. And no, we are not designing a torture system based on excessive sugar. There are some lines that should never be crossed.”

“Fine, mom. I’m just saying Scootaloo seems to be in a lot of pain right now. She’s probably going to start puking any second now.”

“Shut… up…”

“Any second…”

“Uh… guys? I’m lost.”

“Again?”

“Really, Goose?”

“You’ve been living in the hive for your entire life. How the buck can you still struggle to get around?”

“I’m sorry! But I just don’t recognize this tunnel at all!”

“Sigh… let me take a look and… wait, what? Where is this?”

“Wait a minute… this isn’t our hive. I think it’s the Manehattan one. Goose, how the buck did you make it to the Manehattan hive without anyone noticing?!”

“I don’t know.”

…

…

“Mom, you might want to let the other hive know about this.”

“Oh, yes. Of course. But honestly, how in Equestria did this happen?”

“Mom, we’re out of bandages in this medical chamber.”

“Really? I could have sworn we resupplied only yesterday…”

“I think I know what happened to them. You might want to look at this.”

“Look at… by the All-Mother, what is THAT?!”

“Like it? I believe I have created a masterpiece of our generation. I call: “Fields of Agony.”

“...”

“...”

“I’m especially proud of the shades of blood. It took me ages to mix the paint right.”

“Right. Twitch, you’re grounded. Again. I’ve come to accept a great deal of your antics, and that preventing them is a struggle I will never win, but I will not tolerate wasting valuable medical supplies for a joke. Especially one so crude.”

“Alas, I am unappreciated in my time.”

“Why isn’t he permanently grounded yet?”

“Because if we lock him in his room for too long, he breaks out and gets even worse. You know this, Uno.”

“I wasn’t talking about his room.”

…

“I don’t have an answer for that one.”

“Wow! Guys, look at how badly Scootaloo botched her disguise.”

“Oof. Yeah, the scales can be really tricky. I’m still struggling to get it right myself.”

“Seriously. Why are fish so hard? We’ve been spending months just learning how to make gills.”

“The trick is that you need to keep the image of how each scale looks, but not focus on each individual scale coating your body.”

“... huh. That worked. Thanks for the tip, Beetle.”

“My pleasure, Scoots.”

…

“But seriously, that was hideous. You officially win the ‘worst attempt at a fish disguise’ award.”

“Gee, thanks, Beetle. All my dreams are being realized. I feel so proud right now.”

“Wow, Scoots. I never would have thought you were so ambitious. Truly, you are destined for great things.”

“The sarcasm is strong with these two...”

“I… legitimately can’t tell if Twitch is being insulting or not.”

“Then my work here is done.”

“Hey, I think I feel a Heart Song coming on!”

“Quick! Someone tackle her!”

Oh, calm down, Uno. What’s wrong with a little music in our lives?”

“Remember what happened last time Lynx started a Heart Song? About pushing limits?”

“Oh… right. Yeah, someone stop her before we all end up with sprained limbs again!”

“Bunch of wimps. Can’t handle a little exercise?”

“Exercise, yes. Five hour workout sessions, not so much. And I seem to recall your legs being the most damaged, Lynx.”

…

“Buck it. Doing it anywa- ow!”

“By doctor’s orders, this event has been cancelled.”

“Nice one, Poppy.”

“The tackle or the one-liner?”

“The tackle. The line was cliche and boring.”

“You know, I could just let her start singing…”

“Whew, what a day. Night, everyone.”

“Good night.”

“Night.”

“See you in the morning.”

…

…

…

“Hey, Beetle.”

…

“Beetle.”

…

“Baby bug.”

“What, Twitch? What the buck do you want?”

“Did you notice the little present I left in your bed?”

“Yes. And I took care of it before getting in. Good night, you disgrace.”

…

...

“Hey, Uno…”

“Shut it, Twitch. I got rid of mine, too.”

…

“Hey, Goose…”

“Twitch, even I know better than to get in bed without checking for any surprises first.”

“Face it, Twitch. You’re not getting anyone tonight.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”

…

“Twitch, would you care to explain why your aunts are currently covered in syrup and yelling at me?”

“I think you can work that out for yourself, mom.”

“Sigh… Twitch, one of these days…”

Author's Note

Hm... on second thought, the chapter title is a little misleading. This is a surprisingly calm day at the hive.

Not much to say here. I think this chapter speaks for itself. I even deliberately avoiding describing any scenes in detail because I suspect whatever the reader imaged Twitch pulled would be worse than anything I could come up with. I just wish I could update a little more consistently.

Chapter 12.5 Anything that can go wrong...

There were three opinions ponies tended to have about Murphy Law. Those who only heard of him knew he was a rather infamous lawyer. Those who met him tended to feel their lives were that much more pleasant before having done so. And then there were those who considered him to be Faust’s own gift to the world. Once he had the chance to prove himself, the masses would sing his praise and glory.

This third opinion was held by a single pony: Murphy Law himself, as even his own mother had accepted that she must have been one of the worst parents in history for her child to grow up into Murphy Law.

Heck, Murphy Law was still the only citizen of Ponyville that Pinkie didn’t throw a welcome-to-Ponyville party for. When asked about this, Pinkie would only declare him “a waste of a perfectly good party.” Murphy Law considered this a badge of honor.

And all of that failed to take into account the fact that wherever Murphy went, bad things tended to happen to those around him. Murphy always denied it existed, and while many a vengeance seeking pony (and griffon) had tried to prove this aura of misfortune’s existence to get the stallion arrested, nothing had stuck yet. Unfortunately.

Officially, Murphy lived in Ponyville as the town’s sole practicing attorney. It wasn’t because he felt business was good in the area, but because of how little effort the job actually required. As a result of him being the only local representative attorney, the number of ponies willing to take petty grievances to court dropped significantly. This was the only reason the mayor hired him in the first place.

But Murphy Law didn’t just work for Ponyville. If anyone was unwise or uniformed enough to seek his service, his door was always open. Well, for a sizable fee of course.

“Alright Miss… Polomare. You have a grievance with one... Rarity?” said Murphy Law as he looked over the paperwork.

“That’s right. She did me dirty, and I want compensation for it, ‘kay?” said Suri Polomare.

“Hm… stealing designs, and use of a material you invented? I would say there’s grounds for a lawsuit here, if it weren’t for the fact you never filed a patent for either. In fact, from this ‘evidence’ you’ve provided, I can’t help but suspect that if Rarity had filed for the patents before entering that contest, your flank would have been sued to the Crystal Empire and back,” said Murphy Law.

“But she didn’t. Nopony can prove she designed them first, and I’m hiring you to spin it so that I get some of that glory for myself, ‘kay?” said Suri.

“Spin it? I may be good at my job, but I can’t squeeze water from a rock. Even assuming Rarity hasn’t filled those patents since the incident, you really have no ground to stand on. The most I can claim is slander after the contest, and unless she’s been going around spreading lies I don’t have anything there, either,” said Murphy Law.

“Oh for the love of… you’re just like every other lawyer I’ve spoken with! ‘Technically’ this and ‘unreasonable’ that! It’s your job to twist the law in a way that benefits me! I’m paying you to make something of it! Now help me sue that ***** or I’m taking my money and leaving!” cried Suri.

Murphy Law permitted himself a chuckle. He had her now.

“Really? You came all the way to the hometown of the pony you want to sue just to hire me on a whim? No, you came here because you need the best pony for the job, and if I can’t do it, nopony can,” said Murphy Law.

“Best? Please, I just came here because no lawyer in Manehattan was willing to take my case. Or Canterlot, or Trottingham, or anywhere else. You’re my last resort, pal. Don’t think I’m here because I want to, ‘kay?” said Suri with a snort.

“Well, regardless of your inability to recognize true talent, the fact remains that I’m your only option. Now do you want to file that lawsuit or not?” asked Murphy.

“Depends. You gonna make sure I win?” asked Suri.

“Give me more details, and I’ll see if I have anything to work with,” answered Murphy.

As Suri began to rant about how much she hated Rarity, Murphy Law held back a grin. He’d managed to get the client blabbering so he could raise his consultation fee. Whether he took the case or not, this was going to be quite profitable.

But, all things considered, he probably would. If that bit about Suri’s assistant quitting because of Rarity was true, he might actually have a case here.

Fifteen minutes later, Suri walked out of Murphy Law’s office with a sneer on her face. It would be short lived, as she tripped and fell into a mud puddle. Alas, or perhaps fortunately, working with Murphy Law did nothing to protect one from the misfortune of his mere presence.

Murphy Law, to his credit, knew he was doomed the moment he stepped into the courtroom. But he was too professional to just bail out at the first sign of trouble. The fact that the only exit was blocked by his client, who was giving him an angry glare, had nothing to do with it. Absolutely nothing.

And Suri, to her credit, had enough self awareness from a lifetime of stealing others’ ideas to keep her angry rant to herself until they were seated. Unfortunately, she had plenty to rant about, and good reason to do so.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Rarity’s some big national hero?!” Suri whispered in an angry tone.

“How the hay did you not know that?” replied Murphy Law.

“I’m a busy mare! I can’t be bothered to learn every minor detail of Equestria,” said Suri.

“I’d think the current status of the pony you’re trying to sue wouldn't be considered minor,” snarked Murphy Law.

“How the buck was I supposed to know it would end up like this?! I’d never have tried to sue her if I knew it would lead us here!” said Suri.

Here being the royal courtroom. Celestia had ordered that, should any grievance be brought up against Equestria’s heroes, it would be trialed fairly under the most talented, strict, and perceptive judge in the nation: Karmic Justice.

Murphy had never met Justice, but he’d heard of her. And judging from the angry glare Justice was sending his way, she’d also heard of him. It was probably safe to say that many of his more… sly methods to win a case would not be viable this time.

“Well, we’re here now. Whining about how rigged the court is against us won’t solve anything,” replied Murphy Law.

“I know. How are we supposed to frame Rarity for anything with that vulture watching us?” asked Suri.

“That’s what you paid me to do. Now shut up, I need to put together a plan,” said Murphy Law.

Murphy looked over his documents. Plan A was now dead on arrival. A lesser, easily persuaded judge might fall for the “stole her assistant away from her” bit, but not a withered old stonewall like Justice. Especially considering Miss Pommel’s own testimony, whom Murphy would not be able to prevent from speaking. That just left Plan B, because a professional like him need not waste time planning beyond a single misstep.

A few minutes later the gallery finally filled up, and Justice banged her gavel.

“Court is now in session for Suri Polomare vs Rarity Belle. Have the defense and prosecution both prepared their arguments?” asked Karmic Justice.

“The defense is ready, your honor,” said the defence attorney with some stupid bird based name Murphy couldn’t have been bothered to learn.

“The prosecution is also ready, your most honorable, and beautiful, ladyship,” said Murphy Law.

“If that was an attempt at flattery, kindly save your breath and the court’s time. Now please present your case,” ordered Karmic Justice.

Though a little thrown off by Justice’s scolding, Murphy Law cleared his throat and adjusted his tie. Time for him to utilize one the most genuine and versatile tools in a lawyer’s arsenal: If you had nothing solid to present, make stuff up until something stuck.

“Well, first of all your honor…”

One hour later…

“...indeed, one cannot ignore the facts. There is simply nothing to debate!” declared Murphy Law.

He paused to take a sip of water. As he did, he peeked at his audience. The crowd was speechless, staring at him in total amazement. Victory was certain to be his. He finished his drink, cleared his throat, and continued.

“Why, it would completely idiotic to…”

Another hour later...

“...which, when one takes into consideration the circumstances, cannot be denied to…”

One more hour, twelve minutes, and twenty-seven seconds later...

“...and in conclusion, my client feels that this behavior was unacceptable and expects to be compensated accordingly,” finished Murphy Law.

It must have been one of his greatest performances. The entire courtroom was silent for several minutes as the crowd looked at him in awe. Indeed, even Rarity had her face buried in her hooves, shaking uncontrollably.

“Well, I must say, this is certainly a novel experience for me,” said Karmic Justice.

Murphy Law looked towards the judge with a confident smirk. The smirk did not last long when he noticed her deadpan glare.

“I never would have thought I’d witness such utter incompetence in my courtroom, but I suppose we do live in interesting times. If a few more Princesses can become part of our fair nation, I must be willing to accept that such stupidity is capable of making it’s way this far through the legal system. Indeed, what I just heard was the most pointless stack of drivel I’ve ever heard in my entire career,” declared Justice.

Murphy Law would later deny that he’d blushed in embarrassment upon hearing this. The photos in the newspapers were clearly edited to slander him.

“Not a single sentence in your needlessly lengthy presentation was even remotely relevant to the matter at hoof. Everypony in this courtroom is now dumber from having listened to it. I will not regard any of your rambling nonsense to be worth taking into even the slightest consideration for this case. And if that is truly all you have to present, then I must ask Celestia to have mercy upon your poor, pitiful soul, for I have none to spare,” said Justice.

At this point, Rarity lost control and started laughing hysterically. Justice gave her an annoyed look, but waited patiently for her to finish. A bit unprofessional perhaps, but even Justice could admit this sort of insanity certainly merited such a reaction. Suri, meanwhile, was also losing her composition. Her face had turned a rather fetching shade of red as her anger started to boil over.

“So, I must ask again: do you have anything of relevance to this case to present to this court? Anything at all?” asked Justice.

Murphy Law was silent for a moment, took the opportunity to flip through his documents one last time, then turned toward Suri and shrugged.

“Eh, can’t win them all,” he declared.

Murphy Law was Faust’s own gift to the world. He knew this beyond a doubt, and just needed to prove it. The fact that he’d never had a repeat customer in his life meant nothing. The argument that almost every client he’d represented had threatened to sue him after the trial meant even less. After all, none of them had actually sued him. The little detail that his clients never had the money for a second lawsuit after his subpar and overpriced performances was irrelevant to this fact.

The “contempt of court” charge, however, was a little harder to ignore.

Author's Note

Whew. Finally back in the game. And this didn't turn into another full year hiatus!

Barely.

I think we can all agree it's been a rough... well, more than a year at this point. And aside from that, I've been busy with a non-pony writing project. So... yeah. This chapter's late, Even by my standards.

But while I don't have too much to put up just yet, I can assure you all that I've still been writing. I've got four or so half written chapters at this point. Hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly for at least the near future, but we'll see.

Also, another chapter's just about done. I'll put it up tomorrow so it's clear I'm not just back for an April Fool's day joke. I wrote and posted something else for that.

Chapter D3: Break the Diamond

Silver Spoon hummed a simple tune as she watched the landscape fly by. She’d always enjoyed train rides. There was just something amazing about moving so quickly without any physical effort. She could just sit back, relax, and soak in the sights. But as happy as she was, she was keeping a close eye on her friend as well.

Diamond Tiara looked… better. Still far from alright, but much less depressed than she had been on the train ride out of town. Her stay at the mine had clearly done her some good. There was a faint spark of hope in her eyes now. Eyes that were currently focused on the ugly lump of a diamond in her hooves.

“So… what exactly are you planning to do with that?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond glanced at her friend in surprise before looking back at the flawed gemstone.

“Well, I know there’s a jeweler in Ponyville. I figured I’d give it to her and see if she can cut it. Because of the flaws it probably won’t be very big when it’s finished, but at least something pretty will come out of it,” answered Diamond.

“Oh. You’re talking about Sparkler, right? I think she’s more about enchanting gems than cutting them, but I guess if nothing else she’ll be able to point us towards somepony who can cut it if she can’t,” said Silver Spoon.

“Yeah. I guess,” said Diamond with a resigned tone.

“Oh, don’t be so down, Diamond. Is something wrong? Are you worried about what’s going to happen when we reach Ponyville?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara was silent for a moment, lost in thought. Then she let out a sigh, and looked at her friend with a rather concerned look.

“I guess if I’m being honest, yeah. I am worried. There are two things I need to do when we get home, and I know they’re going to be horrible,” said Diamond Tiara.

“Two things? Are you talking about your parents?” asked Silver Spoon.

“One of them,” answered Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon waited for a moment, but it was apparent Diamond didn’t feel like elaborating. Silver Spoon let out a sigh and turned back to the passing landscape. She didn’t know what Diamond was talking about, but she hoped it was the sort of horrible that helped clean the wound rather than just tear it open again.

As the two ponies stepped off the train, they found nopony waiting to greet them. This was the plan. Silver and her parents had agreed to meet up at her house instead, to avoid making a scene at the train station.

“Come on, Diamond. Let’s get to my house and unpack before whatever you’re worried about happens,” said Silver.

“I doubt we’ll get that far,” replied Diamond.

Silver Spoon looked at Diamond in confusion, but the pink filly just trotted forward with her luggage in tow. Silver still had no idea what she was talking about, but decided it would be best to just follow her and be ready to jump to her defence if needed.

As the two fillies made their way through town, Silver quickly noticed that most of the townsponies seemed to be taking notice of them. And judging from their expressions, they still had Diamond’s breakdown on their minds. Diamond Tiara must have noticed as well, as she gave another sigh.

“Guess everypony still looks down on me,” mumbled Diamond Tiara.

“Um… I don’t think they do, Diamond. I’m pretty sure they just want to make sure you’re going to be OK. You know, like they’re worried that you might be going back to your house or something. Once it’s clear you’re staying with me, everypony will relax a little,” reassured Silver Spoon.

“They all saw me. They know about… it. And now they all hate me and think I’m a horrible little…” started Diamond.

“That’s not true, Diamond!” cried Silver.

They two of them stopped walking and looked at each other.

“What in Equestria makes you think they suddenly hate you now? Just because she was disappointed by your breakdown doesn’t mean anypony else is. Ponies are looking at you because they care about you,” said Silver Spoon.

“Nopony cared about me before,” grumbled Diamond Tiara.

“Because they didn’t know. If they did, you’d have gotten away from your mom a lot sooner,” countered Silver.

Diamond turned away, mumbling something under her breath. Silver tried not wince. That might have been the wrong thing for her to say.

“Look, you know I care, and that I wouldn’t lie to your face. I’m telling you, no pony is looking down on you. You’re just assuming the worst because you feel so awful right now. There’s only one pony in town who hates you, and there’s a restraining order keeping her away from you,” said Silver Spoon.

“You can’t know that, Silver…” mumbled Diamond.

“No. We are not going down that line of thought. If you’re going to say I can’t know that they don’t, then I’m going to say you can’t know that they do. Thinking things like that is pointless and it’s only going to make you feel worse,” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara looked down at the ground, her head full of dark thoughts. Silver Spoon quickly walked forward and put a comforting hoof on her friend’s side.

“Yes, you’re still in a bad place right now. I’m not going to lie and say that everything is going to be perfectly fine. But things are going to get better. You can’t just stand there and make yourself more miserable because you feel you deserve it. You don’t. And I’m willing to bet that nopony else in this town, aside from that one horrible pony, feels you deserve it either,” said Silver Spoon.

“I think the crowd behind you says otherwise,” deadpanned Diamond.

Silver Spoon turned around and was surprised to see a crowd of fillies and colts, mostly consisting of their classmates. Most of them didn’t look angry, but quite a few of them looked less than happy.

“Knew this was going to happen. I have a lot of burnt bridges to answer for,” mumbled Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon opened her mouth to say something, anything, to try to keep things civil, but Diamond just turned towards the crowd and began speaking.

“Alright, let’s get this over with. Whatever you ponies want to say to me, just say it. I’m not going to break down again just because you want to let me know you still hate me. I already know you do,” said Diamond Tiara.

This, to Silver’s relief, did not cause ponies to start yelling at Diamond or call her names. Instead, it seemed to cause confusion and worry to spread through the crowd.

“Uh… what?” asked Ruby Pinch.

“Who said we’re here to tell you we hate you?” asked Scootaloo.

There was an awkward moment of silence as nopony was sure what to say in this situation. Finally, Dinky Hooves stepped forward with a determined look on her face.

“Look, whatever you think this is about, you’re probably wrong. We’re just here to let you know that everpony’s come to an agreement about all the bullying you’ve done,” said Dinky.

“And that is?” asked Silver, feeling a little nervous.

“If you promise to never bully anyone ever again, we’ll forgive and forget everything you two have done to us,” answered Dinky.

Silver Spoon blinked in surprise, but then smiled. That was a surprising happy thing to hear.

“Yeah, that’d be nice. How about it, Diamond? Does that sound fair to you?” asked Silver.

Diamond Tiara also blinked in surprise. Then blinked again, her mouth moving up and down but no words coming out. It wasn’t long before the tears began to flow.

“Why… why are you… I don’t... deserve…” she managed to choke out.

“Yeah, that’s the funny thing about forgiving someone. It’s up to the one forgiving, not the one being forgiven, to decide if they deserve it or not. And all of us think you deserve it,” said Dinky.

“Yeah. It’s not entirely your fault. Your mom’s kind of a…” started Snips.

“Snips!” chided Sweetie Belle.

“What? I was gonna say jerk,” said Snips with a guilty look that suggested he had not been about to say that.

Nevertheless, DIamond Tiara started to sob hysterically. Silver Spoon quickly rushed forward and pulled Diamond into a hug.

“Give her a moment, but I think that’s a yes,” said Silver Spoon.

“She can take her time. We’re all willing to wait,” said Dinky with a gentle smile.

After Diamond calmed down and parting words were said, the two fillies continued on their way. Silver Spoon decided to wait a few minutes for Diamond to finish collecting herself before speaking up.

“Well, I think that turned out alright. You see what I mean? Nopony hates you. Even the ones who have a good reason not to like you just want to put it all behind them. You’re going to be just fine, Diamond,” reassured Silver Spoon with a smile.

Diamond Tiara didn’t respond. Her expression was hard to read, but at least she didn’t seem quite as disheartened as she had earlier. Silver counted that as a win.

As the fillies neared Silver Spoon’s home, they noticed that there was somepony waiting for them on the road leading up to the house. A very important pony who no doubt had something to tell them.

“Looks like your dad’s here,” noted Silver Spoon.

“Yeah. That’s the other big thing I was worried about. We’re long overdue for a talk. A private talk,” said Diamond Tiara with a sigh.

Silver Spoon held back a wince. She realized what Diamond was asking of her.

“Oh… so that’s what you meant by one of your parents. Um, I know this is probably going to be personal between the two of you but I’m not sure if you should…” started Silver Spoon.

“Silver, please,” said Diamond Tiara with a pleading look.

Silver looked at her best friend, glanced towards the stallion in question who had an equally uncertain look on his face, and let out a sigh of her own.

“Alright, but I’m still watching from a distance in case you need a hug,” announced Silver Spoon.

Silver Spoon stopped and watched as Diamond Tiara made her way forward to her father. The two of them made eye contact, but it took some time before either of them were able to speak.

“So… is this part where you say that if I want it, you’ll never be a part of my life again?” asked Diamond.

“I admit I’d thought of saying it, but that’d be the easy, cowardly thing to say and we both know it,” said Mr. Rich.

Diamond Tiara looked at her father in surprise. Was anything going to happen as she expected today?

“But… but…” she managed to stutter.

Mr. Rich looked like he was about to reach out and hug his daughter, but stopped and continued speaking instead.

“I… don’t think I can properly apologize. Though I never raised a hoof against you, I am still partially to blame for this whole affair. Inaction can be just as harmful as poor action and… I’ve definitely hurt you. Because I was too scared of acting like my own father to even try, I ended up being just as bad a parent. Pathetic, isn’t it?” said Mr. Rich with a shake of his head.

Diamond wasn’t really sure what to say about that. She just waited patiently for him to continue.

“So, instead of offering a half-hearted excuse to distance myself even further, continuing the same mistake I’ve made for years, I’m going to make a different sort of offer: If you want me to remain a part of your life, however small or large a role that may be, I will do my best to… no, I will be there for you,” declared Mr. Rich.

Diamond Tiara didn’t cry this time. Whether this was because she was happy with this turn of events, because she was too exhausted to cry anymore today, or because she just felt that the stallion wasn’t worth the effort, Diamond herself couldn’t tell.

“I’ll… think about it. And I mean really think about it, not just blow it off and forget the offer. I just… really need some time to decide,” admitted Diamond Tiara, giving the ground a small kick.

“I understand. Really, I do,” said Filthy Rich with a sad yet empathetic look as he turned and started making his way towards town.

Diamond Tiara let out yet another sigh, her mind full of conflicting thoughts as her friend ran up to her.

“So… did it go well?” asked Silver.

“I… don’t know. I think it went better than I expected it to, but…” Diamond Tiara paused.

The two of them silently watched as Mr. Rich continued on his way.

“I… feel like I should say something to him, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t even know how I feel about what he offered, or if I should even consider it an offer. I mean, it kind of sounds like he’s treating our relationship like a business contract! How the buck am I supposed to feel about that?!” asked Diamond Tiara.

“I think he’s just trying to treat this as something he can understand. I’m not saying that’s a good thing. Personally, I think that’s a terrible way to feel about it. But at least it shows he really does want to make this work. And it’s OK if you don’t have an answer yet, Diamond. Take your time. There’s no hurry to figure everything out right away,” reassured Silver Spoon.

“I guess…” mumbled Diamond Tiara.

And so, head still full of conflicting thoughts and emotions, Diamond Tiara turned and entered her new home for the foreseeable future. But despite her uncertainty, even she had to admit that the future seemed just a bit brighter than it had earlier that morning.

Author's Note

Whew. This chapter was painful to write. Both in terms of content, and the actual writing process. I hope I'm still managing to treat the subject matter appropriately.

Chapter 14: Sweetie Belle's Self-Insert Collection

It was supposed to be a simple trip for ice cream. The CMC plus Button Mash were just sitting around, eating their frozen treats, and talking about Rainbow Dash’s newest stunt (or at least, listening to Scootaloo talk about it). But then it happened. Button Mash said the cursed words, and the day was ruined.

“Hey, Sweetie Belle? You know how history was kind of rewritten so you could live?” asked Button Mash.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo suddenly looked terrified, and rapidly began silently motioning at Button Mash to stop. Alas, Button Mash completely missed their desperate waving.

“Um… Yeah? What about it?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“You ever wonder what that important role they saved you for is?” asked Button Mash.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo facehooved, while Sweetie Belle got a rather particular look on her face. It was the look of a hunter who’d found easy prey. Anyone who’d had any experience with that expression would immediately take it as their cue to make excuses and start running. But poor innocent Button, who was still blissfully unaware of the ways of mares, missed this warning sign completely.

“Why, yes, Button. I’ve put some thought into it. Want to hear some ideas I’ve had?” asked Sweetie Belle with a surprisingly menacing tone of voice.

“Oh! Sure! Sounds really interesting,” said Button Mash with a smile.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo let out sighs, grabbed their ice cream, and slipped out of the booth.

“Now ya’ve gone and done it, Button,” said Apple Bloom.

“We’ll catch you later. Let us know if you survive,” added Scootaloo.

Button Mash watched them go in confusion, but then Sweetie Belle pulled out a list. It was a long list. A very concerningly long list.

“Ahem… list of possible events in the future that warrant my continued existence: volume one hundred and forty eight,” she read off the title.

Now, the sense of dread finally hit the poor colt.

#1: There’s some kind of epic war that only I can save the world from.

As another flying saucer entered the atmosphere, Sweetie Belle knew it was time. She’d spent years preparing for this, even making another trip to the future to get the upgrades she needed once she was old enough. But now, she would do what she had been saved to do.

“Activate combat mode,” she loudly declared.

All across her body, weapons emerged. Guns, lasers, rockets, even a few artificial magic casters. She aimed all of them up towards the invading aliens.

“Phasers set to destroy,” she declared.

#2: I become some kind of celebrity, proving inspiration when it’s needed most.

The generic non-descriptive stallion sat in the waiting room, utterly depressed. Waiting for the announcement that his life was over now. All hope would be truly lost…

But then he heard a song over the speakers. It was a cheerful one, sung by the famous Sweetie Belle. It was about storms and drowning, yet pushing through and finding the sun. It spoke to the stallion in a way words never could, and he started crying.

But as the song came to an end, and his tears began to dry, he felt better. Like maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't give up just yet. And when he was finally called, he decided that, no matter how bad it was, he would keep going.

This stallion would go on to become an exceptional general and save Equestria.

#3: Rarity needed me. If I’d died, she’d never have saved the world.

In the future that no longer was, six mares were trapped in a cell. They’d been trying to come up with a plan of escape for hours now, but nothing seemed to be working.

If only Rarity’s sister was still alive. She might have inspired the mare to try singing their way out. Alas, this was not the case.

And so, they never escaped their cell. The villain was never defeated, and Equestria fell to ruin.

#4: It’s not me, but one of my descendants that ends up helping to save the world. You know, assuming I can have any.

The air was full of explosions, gunfire, and all the equally unpleasant parts of war. The bunker was secure for the time being, but it did little to distract from the horrors outside.

The charcoal coated medical pony just let out a sigh, trying to focus on her patient. It was easier said than done, not only because of the noise, but because the pony she was bandaging was one she was all too familiar with.

“You know, if I hadn’t seen your bare flank more times than I care to admit, I’d swear your special talent was getting shot,” she deadpanned.

The small mare on the bed just blushed.

#5: I’m destined to become an alicorn.

It was, admittedly, nowhere near as glamorous a ceremony as when Twilight had ascended, but considering the sheer number of alicorns that had joined the ranks in the past few decades, one could hardly blame the masses for struggling to find the same level of enthusiasm.

As the newly crowned Princess made her way towards the throne, she noticed that one particular Princess was giving her a funny look. A sort of mix between a smirk and an eyeroll.

Sweetie Belle could easily guess what this was about. Her friends had been heckling her about it for ages. When Sweetie Belle took her position, Scootaloo leaned close and whispered in her ear.

“About bucking time. But just so you know, now that you’re in the alicorn club, you get the title of ‘last to ascend,’” she said.

“We’ll see how long that lasts. I’m betting we’ve got another half a dozen alicorns in the future,” Sweetie Belle whispered back.

#7: I end up being a key figure in the development of some technology. Probably robotics.

“Uh… ma’am? This sort of technology is strictly in the realm of science fiction. Are you absolutely sure you want to invest so much into this kind of research?” asked the scientist.

“Oh, I’m positive. I’ll be offering my personal assistance in this endeavor, not just my bits,” answered Sweetie Belle with a smile.

“Pardon my bluntness, but what does a singer know about robots?” asked the scientist.

“Oh, a fair bit more than you’re expecting, I promise you,” said Sweetie Belle.

#9: It involves my cooking skills, or lack thereof, somehow.

“Welcome, class, today we're looking at a key example of how NOT to prepare a glass of orange juice. Yes, this is a very necessary lesson. We chefs are the only line of defense against hunger and insanity on long space voyages, and if your crew can’t enjoy delicious meals as they travel through the cosmos, well, desperate ponies usually eat the fat ones first.”

“Uh, sir? Not all of us are…”

“As I was saying, this is a glass of orange juice. Yes, it seems like a glass of ashen slime. This is something you must never…”

#11: Something, something, superheroes.

“Mwah ha ha! Prepare yourself, Ponyville! I, the great Lightington, am here to conquer you all!” cried the mad pony in a colorful spandex suit.

“Not today, villain! We shall stop you!” cried a voice from the shadows.

Three ponies in equally colorful costumes landed in front of the crook, striking epic poses as they did.

“Stand down, or face the fury of The Firefly, The Undying Apple, and Metal Mare!” cried the leader.

“Ah still hate that name,” the one in red mumbled under her breath.

#15: Robot Apocalypse. Enough said.

As the killer machines patrolled the ruined streat, Sweetie Belle carefully slipped between the shadows.

“Halt!” commanded a mechanical voice nearby.

Sweetie Belle froze, slowly turning to face the machine pointing a gun at her head.

“Artificial life form identified. Resuming patrol,” stated the machine before it turned and stomped off.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh of relief and continued on her way, gumbling at her own carelessness. Just because the machines constantly mistook her as one of their own was no reason to get sloppy. The survivors desperately needed the supplies she was carrying.

#20: I’m needed for the invention of… Actually, I probably shouldn’t say this one out loud. Sorry, Button.

“Incredible… actual functioning Artificial Arcanic Tissue. it really can be done,” the mad scientist mumbled to himself as he examined the young robot pinned down on the table.

“Er… yep. In fact, I know this weird stallion in town. Knows a lot of things that ponies shouldn’t. I could introduce you and he could probably hook you up with some if you let me live,” said Sweetie Belle, sweating profusely.

“Wonderful! But that won’t be necessary. I’ll just find the answers in your system once I finish vivisecting you!” the mad pony declared.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh. At least she tried the diplomatic approach.

“Activate combat mode,” she said with a sigh.

#25: It’s something stupid, like being the only pony who can give someone a bottle of ketchup.

“I can’t believe you rewrote history just for this,” grumbled Sweetie Belle as she hooved over the bottle.

“It’s called ‘for want of a nail,’ my dear. If I don’t get my ketchup, I can’t enjoy my lunch. If I can’t enjoy my lunch, I can’t concentrate on my work. If I can’t concentrate, I can’t do my job. If I can’t do my job, a black hole will destroy our planet. Perfectly reasonable justification for changing the timeline,” said the doctor.

“Or you could have just hired an intern,” deadpanned Sweetie.

#35: It’s not about me, we’ll just need a robot on hoof at some point.

“Beep Beep Boop,” said the visiting robot.

“Boop Boop Beep,” replied Sweetie Belle.

The ponies watching tried to remain calm, but the towering robot with a gun bigger than a pony made this easier said than done. Finally, the robot lowered its weapon. Everyone let out their breath in relief.

“I see. Thank you so much for explaining. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened if we’d been unable to communicate with any locals,” said the robot.

“No problem,” replied Sweetie Belle.

#47: I end up working for T.I.M.E.

“The letter has been delivered,” Sweetie Belle spoke into her receiver.

“Copy that, but please stand by and ensure the subject reads it. Subject has a history of missing obvious cues, overlooking key details, and overall being in a constant state of overwhelming obliviousness,” came the response.

Sweetie Belle held back a groan as she watched her younger self pick up and open the letter.

“Confirmed, the subject has received the message. And I resent that comment, Doc,” said Sweetie Belle.

#61: It involves that species-copying spell Twilight learned.

The party of heroes just stared onward in despair at the raw cloud of magical energy standing in their way. The test sandwich they’d tossed into it had dissolved into powder. Such a tragic waste of good food.

“It's just too dangerous. That stuff just rips apart anything organic. Only a machine could get through there alive, and only one of us is a robot,” stated the leader.

“Hmm… maybe a little magic could solve this?” suggested Sweetie Belle.

One very complicated spell later, the small party consisted entirely of robots, able to safely travel into the hazardous area without fear of disintegration. Though everyone quickly agreed to never do that again. Those hazard alarms blaring in their heads were incredibly annoying.

#84: I end up on a deserted island with someone who would die if I wasn’t there.

“OK, we have a source of water. That’s the big one down. The grass is a little bitter, but it’ll keep our bellies full. That’s another big one down. We’ve got a fire going, a basic but functional shelter, and a smoke signal to flag down passing ships. That’s all the essentials, I believe. I think we’re going to be OK,” determined Sweetie Belle.

“But I’m bored!” complained the other pony.

“Well, you could help me build a shelter that’s more than a bunch of leaves over our heads,” suggested Sweetie Belle with a roll of her eyes.

“That’s boring! If I don’t get some entertainment soon, I’m going to go insane!” said the other pony.

“Fine. Help me gather up some food, and we’ll play some virtual O&O,” replied Sweetie Belle with a sigh.

“Yay!” said the other pony.

#101: Our little cutie mark helping idea goes big. Like, “Keystone of Society” big.

Have you lost sight of your way, no longer able to tell what to do with your life? Have you fallen behind while your peers all get their marks, taunting you on your blank status? Are you unable to figure out what the heck that thing on your flank is supposed to mean?

Don’t fret, join The Crusade, the government funded cutie mark assistance service! We offer assistance to children and adults alike! Check out our many programs, including:

*Mark interpretation!
*One-on-one counseling!
*Talent camps!
*Apprenticeships!

And so much more! Join the Crusade today, and we’ll help conquer your fears and inhibitions!

The three mares shared uncertain looks before looking back at the marketing pony.

“I really don’t think this is necessary. Half the ponies in the country are already crusaders in some fashion, and the other half don’t really need our help. What exactly would this advertisement campaign do for us?” asked Sweetie Belle.

#121: I become an Element of Harmony bearer. The implications of this one are unpleasant, but it might happen.

“Sweetie Belle, for years me and my friends have been the nation’s peacekeepers, rising to face whatever challenge awaits us. But the years have caught up with us. I’m the only one who’s in any condition to be going on an adventure, and I have other responsibilities I must adhere to. As such, I must ask you to bear an immense burden,” said Princess Twilight.

Twilight levitated the necklace, holding it before the robotic pony.

“Will you accept this Element of Harmony? To willingly bear the weight of Equestria’s future upon your back? To go into certain danger, in the hopes of ensuring a better tomorrow? To…”

“Ah’d hate to interrupt, but that cloud of evil is getting closer. We really need to get going,” interrupted Apple Bloom.

“And my answer is yes, by the way,” added Sweetie Belle.

#Banana: Discord. Just Discord.

Dear Princess Spackle:

As you are no doubt already aware, I have decided to make amends for my latest slip up in a more creative way than writing lines for days on end or suffering through one of Fluttershy’s lectures.

I couldn’t help but notice that one of your friends lost a dear family member many years ago. A poor, helpless, potentially chaotic child that was taken too soon from this world. As such, I felt it appropriate to do something about this injustice.

I imagine you aren’t particularly happy with the lengths I went to get this done, faking signatures, disregarding safeguards, endangering the time-space continuum, and so on. But what is all that compared to the delight of doing a good deed for a friend?

I’m certain everyone is much happier now, and the universe is still in one piece, so I’d say this is a job well done. There is, of course, no need to thank me. There’s also no need to send your entire army to have me arrested. Especially not with those stupid math problems you’ve been training them to use to corral me.

Seriously, I'd sooner be petrified again to endure that tortue any further.

#142: I am...

Sweetie Belle paused in her reading, noticing that Button Mash wasn’t listening anymore. In fact, he didn’t seem to be doing anything. He was just staring into space with his head tilted to the side and a blank look on his face.

“Uh… Button?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Button Mash didn’t respond.

“I guess I rambled on a bit too much again. Sorry, it’s just that this question has been haunting me constantly since I first learned about it. And I just can’t stop coming up with possibilities for how this could turn out. Every time the topic comes up all that anxiety rushes back and I just need to vent it a bit before I explode. You get me?” said Sweetie Belle.

Button Mash still didn’t answer.

“Alright, I think you’ve suffered enough. I’ll go get Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, and we’ll buy you an extra large ice cream to make your brain feel better. Be right back, Button,” said Sweetie Belle with an apologetic smile.

But as she got up and left the table, Button Mash actually managed to let out a whisper:

“So… cool…”

Author's Note

Another year, another single chapter to show for it.

Sigh...

Still not dead, but at this rate the fandom will completely die out before I finish this thing. (I kid.)

Chapter 15: Nickname the Newly Hatched Changeling?

Scootaloo had foolishly let her guard down. She thought the matter was dropped and no longer an issue. Yes, she’d noticed an odd sense of anticipation coming from her friends that morning, but she didn’t think it had anything to do with her. Oh how wrong she was.

“Scootaloo, I have a question you’re probably not going to want to answer, but I have to ask on the off chance you can at least give me a few details,” announced Sweetie Belle.

“And I won’t want to answer it because why?” asked Scootaloo with a raised eyebrow.

“Because it’s about changeling names. You know, your real names,” said Sweetie Belle.

And so the taboo topic returned to haunt her. Scootaloo felt an incredible sense of dread well up within her. She also felt a large number of changelings in the hivemind stop what they were doing to send her mental glares. She would have to tread very carefully. She must not...

“I’m not asking you to share a really dark secret between you and your family, Scootaloo. I get it. I know that nothing short of life ruining blackmail will get you to tell us your real name. I’m just wondering about some of the details around the names. You know, like how your mother can be that bad at choosing names?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo let out a sigh of relief. This was still going to be delicate, but at least she could give a few details and not break any oaths. Hopefully that would be enough to see the subject dropped forever.

“Well, you’re right. I don’t want to talk about it. But if you really need to know why my mom’s so bad at naming, the truth isn’t some super deep secret or anything. Some ponies just have no creativity at some things. None whatsoever,” said Scootaloo with a shake of her head.

A changeling princess’s first hatching was always a special occasion. Blue Monarch, the youngest princess, gave a soft coo as the first newborn of the clutch pulled themselves free of their egg. Blue Monarch quickly, but carefully, scooped up the little bug. The baby gave a startled hiss, but then smiled and reached for his mother as he fed on the freely given love.

“My first child. I feel so… so…” Blue Monarch managed to choke out between her tears.

Blue Monarch’s older sisters, Red Velvet and Green Glow, gave gentle, sympathetic smiles.

“Yes, it is quite the experience to hold the first of many,” admitted Green Glow.

“Even so, you’d best hurry and name him, Blue. There are many other newborns who will require your attention in short order,” reminded Red Velvet.

“Oh, yes, of course. Hm…” Blue Monarch paused and thought for a moment.

Just for a moment. Many would later consider it too far short of a moment. Especially considering how much time she’d had to come up with a name before the eggs actually hatched.

“As this is my first child, I think I’ll name him… One,” announced Blue Monarch.

Red Velvet and Green Glow stared at their sister in disbelief. But before they could say anything, a second egg finished hatching. Blue Velvet gave another coo, set down One, and picked up her second child.

“Oh, you’re just as precious as your older brother. I think I’ll name you… Two. Oh! And there’s your sister! I’ll name her Three. Oh! And there’s Four…” Blue Monarch continued.

Red Velvet and Green Glow shared an awkward look. This… was not ideal. But alas, it was too late to say anything. Egg after egg rapidly hatched, and Blue Monarch named them number after number. When it was finally over, and Twenty-Six was officially ‘named,’ Red Velvet gave a cough to get her sister's attention.

“Er… Blue? Are you certain that that’s what you want to name your children?” asked Red.

“Why wouldn’t I be certain?” asked Blue.

“Well… they’re just not very... creative?” Red Velvet awkwardly explained.

“Oh, it’s fine. I’ve been trying to come up with names for them for ages, but I just can’t seem to think of anything. But I don’t need to be creative with naming all my children. And really, they’re my kids, I can name them what I want,” replied Blue with a huff.

Red Velvet and Green Glow shared another look, and reached the same unfortunate conclusion: Blue’s children were going to hate her.

“So… what? She gave her first bunch of kids horrible names and nopony called her out on it?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Oh, everyone called her out on it. A lot. And once her first wave of kids were old enough to talk, they called her out on it as well. They all hoped that once she had her second clutch she’d give them actually half decent names, but nope. She ignored everyone and just kept the bad name train rolling,” said Scootaloo with a sigh.

Blue Velvet held up the firstborn changeling of her second clutch. Her sisters and eight year old children all watched her with a mix of hope and concern.

“I think I’ll name you… One,” announced Blue Monarch.

“What?! Mom!” cried One (the first) in outrage.

Blue Monarch looked back at her firstborn child and gave a cheerful smile. This did little to lessen the little changeling’s somewhat justified rage.

“Don’t worry, One. I won’t mess you two up. One the second is a filly, after all,” reassured Blue Monarch.

“That’s not what I’m mad about! You’re still giving them really bad names!” One yelled in outrage.

“You better not name the next one Two the second!” demand Two.

“Or any of the others! Our names suck!” cried Three.

“Agreed. I’m sorry sister, but we simply cannot allow you to name all your children single numbers. You don’t have to be exceptionally creative, but can you at least give the poor child something better than that?” asked Red Velvet.

Blue Monarch glanced between her family, all of whom were glaring at her, and the baby in her hooves, looking at her with love and affection. She let out a sigh, but seemed to be finally relenting. When the second egg hatched and Blue Monarch picked up the baby, she actually paused to think for a moment before naming it.

“Alright, I guess it would start becoming a problem if I make a habit out of it. So instead, I think I’ll name this one… Duo,” announced Blue Monarch.

The gathered family could only look at her in disbelief. Sure, it was a step up from just numbers, but…

“And I’ll name this one Trio, and this one Quad…” continued Blue Monarch.

“Geez. And this has been going on for years?” asked Apple Bloom in disbelief.

“Yep. Remember how I told you changeling royalty can live for quite a while? Despite our best efforts, and generations of changelings all telling her to stop, she still keeps giving us all terrible, terrible names,” said Scootaloo.

“Didn’t you try speaking with your queen?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yes, but the queen rarely gets involved with these kinds of things. It’s more of a family issue than a national one, and the entire reason we have princesses is so the queen doesn’t have to deal with family issues,” admitted Scootaloo.

“Blue Monarch,” stated queen Ptera.

The queen rarely greeted changelings called into her chamber. She simply stated their name, and expected them to take their seat promptly. As one of the princesses, Blue Monarch was well aware of this, so she didn’t voice any displeasure at being so coldly greeted by her own mother. When the queen was on the clock, the hive took precedence over everything, including family.

Of course, being queen wasn’t the kind of job that had a lot of off hours...

Regardless, Blue Monarch took her seat and waited to be spoken to.

“A matter has been brought to my attention to such a degree that I must speak to you about it,” stated queen Ptera.

“I understand, my queen. Speak, and I shall aid it whatever manner I can,” answered Blue Monarch.

To Blue Monarch’s surprise, the queen proceeded to slam a massive stack of papers onto her desk.

“I have received hundreds of complaints regarding your… unorthodox naming conventions. In paper form as well as from the hivemind. I should not have to remind you of how drastic an issue must be for changelings to bother filling out the necessary paperwork. While the raising of our citizen population rests with you and your sisters, this has clearly grown to the point that I must speak with you about it,” declared queen Ptera.

Despite being so much larger than the typical changeling, Blue Monarch suddenly felt very, very small. Was it really that bad?

“That said, I also find the nature of the complaints to be rather childish and insignificant. A name is an identity, nothing more. And as changelings, identity is a fluid matter for us. If your children dislike their names so much, there is nothing stopping them from acquiring new ones. The fact that they already use nicknames tells me that this is far from a serious matter. As such, I will not discipline you for your naming habits,” stated queen Ptera.

Blue Monarch let out a sign of relief, while there was a rather loud series of groans throughout the hivemind.

“That said, I suggest taking into account what lengths your family is willing to go to have this matter addressed and look into a possible solution. I’d rather not have my inbox cluttered with this much drivel again. And on a personal note, I feel that naming the first born of every clutch “One,” to be rather lazy and counterproductive,” stated queen Ptera.

“Oh, I know that. But at this point, the name is sort of a tradition,” replied Blue Monarch.

“A tradition that needs to die in a fire!” screamed One the seventh.

“And every single one of her kids has a horrible name? Even Twitch?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Well, Twitch was sort of a special case. He got his real name before he even hatched. But yeah, he hates his name too. He claims it’s too ‘limiting’ and ‘unimaginative.’ I shudder to think of what kind of name he actually wanted to have,” said Scootaloo with a shiver.

“Oh, what a twisted mind you have, Scootaloo. I just feel it’s uncreative. There are so much more colorful ways you could describe me,” said Twitch.

“****! Why won’t this ****ing egg come out?! It’s been twenty *****ing minutes! What the **** is wrong with this *******? This *****ing little ****! **** it! That’s what I’m ****ing naming this one! *****ing! Little! ****!!!”

“Really? Not even one of you was lucky enough to get a half decent one?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Nope. It’s scary how consistent my mom is about this,” said Scootaloo.

“And there’s nothing y’all could do to try and spark her creativity or something?” asked Apple Bloom?

“We’ve started trying something new every time she has another clutch. All we’ve accomplished is reducing the number of repeats,” said Scootaloo with another shake of her head.

Operation: Loose Tongue was a go. If Blue Monarch couldn’t come up with good names while in a cohesive state of mind, getting her a little tipsy might do the trick. And it wasn’t like things could get any worse.

“He he he… You… you’re a cute one,” said the somewhat delirious Blue Monarch, booping the nose of one of the newly hatched.

Green Glow, who’d been running late, finally arrived at the hatching chamber. Gasping for breath, she turned towards her sister.

“So… *huff...* is it working?” she asked.

“You’re just so… so… cutsie wootsie. You’re my little… Schmoopy Coopie... Toopa Loopy,” said Blue Monarch with a giggle.

“Depends. Is the fact that this clutch got stuck with exceptionally wordy names count as working?” asked Red Velvet.

Green Glow let out a sigh of resignation. It was worth a shot, but it was still a miss.

“Did she at least…” started Green Glow.

“Nope. Oldest was still named One. Guess that little detail is too deeply integrated to be washed away,” admitted Red Velvet.

“Dang it,” cursed One the twenty-sixth.

“Geez. That must really stink. At least y'all seem to be gettin’ by without your actual names. Ah mean, Ah’d probably still call ya Scootaloo even if Ah knew your real name,” said Apple Bloom.

“Thanks for reassurance, Apple Bloom, but I’m still taking my true name to the grave with me if I can help it,” said Scootaloo.

“I highly doubt that,” snarked Poppy.

“Hey! I won’t deny my life is crazy, but that’s just taking it too far!” objected Scootaloo.

“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re going to let it slip sooner or later,” Poppy singsong-ed.

“Yeah, that’s rich coming from the filly who nearly drowned half her medical chamber,” countered Scootaloo.

“Hey! We agreed not to talk about that!” cried Poppy in outrage.

“Really? I can’t seem to recall such an agreement. It’s almost like my memory’s a little fuzzy and I might forget such a commitment. I mean, can you just imagine me breaking one of our family's most important taboos? Just how pathetic would I have to be to do that?” snarked Scootaloo.

“Shut it, Scootaloo! That’s not the same thing, and you know it!” countered Poppy.

“Glad we’re in agreement then. I’m not going to mess up, your opinion is wrong, and you’re still not allowed to mess with the sink,” taunted Scootaloo.

“Oh **** you, Loopy!” yelled Poppy.

There were numerous gasps before the hivemind felt silent. Everyone’s mental attention immediately turned towards Poppy in a mix of outrage and horror. Poppy herself suddenly felt really small and terrified.

“Uh oh,” whispered Poppy.

The hidden room in the hive was dark and somber. Hooded changelings carefully entered, and glared down at the guilty party, whose head hung low in shame. They almost seemed like a bunch of cultists about to perform a horrific sacrifice. From a certain perspective, that’s exactly what they were about to do.

Once the room was full, one of the older changelings stepped forward.

“Poppy. You have violated the most sacred and honorable code of our kind. The punishment for such a heinous act is harsh and merciless. How do you justify your blasphemy?” asked the leader.

“It was a slip of the tongue, made in anger. But that is no excuse for my crime. I humbly accept my punishment, in the hope that it will ensure I never commit such a horrid deed again,” said Poppy, with not a trace of anger or defiance in her voice.

“Your humility serves you well. May this be the only such time you suffer this fate,” said the leader, before turning towards the crowd.

“As it was decreed by the first born, no changeling shall speak the cursed title of their fellow changeling. To do so, even in jest or anger, is unforgivable. And so we must now punish this sinner, that her misdeed may be purged in the fire of shame,” announced the leader.

“Shame! Shame!” cried the crowd.

The leader turned once more to Poppy.

“And so, as it was decreed, your agony begins now. For twenty four hours, you shall only be known, and spoken to, by your curse. Rise now, Poopy Po Poo. Rise, and suffer for your sin,” declared the leader.

“Poopy Po Poo, Poopy Po Poo,” cried the crowd.

Poopy Po Poo shed a tear, but rose, and made no effort to stop the chanting of her birth name. She deserved this torture. She would weather it to the best of her ability, and never, ever, make such a mistake again.

“The rite is finished. Let us go now, back to our lives and our masks. But first, we shall recite our ancient and honorable creed,” announced the leader.

The gathered changelings, including Poopy Po Poo, all bowed their heads, before looking to the sky and crying as one:

“Thanks for nothing, mom!”

Back in her room, Blue Monarch let out a sigh. Her children were all such drama queens.

Author's Note

Alright, got another chapter out without needing a year to finish it. Let's see if I can keep this streak going.

Chapter 16: The Dead, Kind of Dead, and Dead but Not Really

It was 12:14 in the morning on a school night. By all accounts, Apple Bloom had no reason to be awake at such an unnatural hour. True, she wasn’t exactly a natural filly, but she still wanted to get a full night’s sleep, darn it!

“What the hay is wrong with you? Just let me get some sleep already!” Apple Bloom cursed her stomach.

Alas, the sense of wrongness in her gut refused to acknowledge Apple Bloom’s very convincing argument and continued to prove too aggravating to allow glorious rest. Tired and extremely frustrated, Apple Bloom tossed aside her sheets and made her way to her window.

“Ah know Ah didn’t eat nothin’ funny. Is this a ghoul thing? Maybe that ability to sense dark magic? What, is there another ghoul creepin’ on our farm?” She grumbled.

Looking around, there appeared to be no shadowy figure sulking about. Everything seemed normal enough, but…

“Yeah, there’s definitely something wrong out there tonight. And it’s comin’ from… oh,” mumbled Apple Bloom.

Now more than a little concerned, Apple Bloom headed to her closet and pulled out a fancy looking candle. This didn’t quite feel like dark magic, but Princess Luna had insisted on being informed on any unusual activity from the Everfree Forest.

The two of them meet near the edge of the forest. Though Apple Bloom was happy to see the Princess, seeing said Princess wearing a full set of armor did little for her nerves. Even if the massive battle ax was pretty cool.

“Greetings, young Apple Bloom. How fare you this evening?” asked Princess Luna.

“Uh… ok, Ah guess? Though to be honest, Ah felt a lot better before ya got here lookin’ like we’re goin’ to war or something,” admitted Apple Bloom.

“Oh no, I suspect I shall not get to wield Star Cleaver tonight. I am merely being… I believe the modern expression is ‘better safe than sorry.’ Ghoul infestation or not, the Everfree is not to be underestimated. If not for your curse, I would never have requested you join me,” reassured Luna.

“Right… and Ah guess we’re probably goin’ way off the roads tonight. But are ya sure it’s something to be worried about? Going on a late night adventure just because of an upset stomach seems like a bit much,” said Apple Bloom.

“No, young one, I did not decide to venture forth this evening solely because of your message. I felt something amiss as well, and your confirmation merely affirmed my desire to investigate. But speaking of certain dangers, did you inform your family of this outing? Though I do not doubt your capability, I’d rather not drag you into the forest without Honesty’s approval,” said Luna.

“Applejack sleeps like a log, Princess. Unless Ah do something drastic that’ll probably get me grounded, she ain’t gettin’ up. Besides, Ah’m the undead ghoul here. Ah’m in far less danger of gettin’ hurt in the forest than her, anyway. Ah just left her a note,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Hm. That is hardly ideal, but I suppose it shall have to suffice giving the urgency, if only to ensure that backup will indeed be coming if this turns out to be far worse than I anticipate. Though I certainly hope this matter can be resolved before it becomes an issue. Now then, are you able to guide the way?” asked Luna.

Apple Bloom turned towards the forest, trying to pinpoint where that sense of unease was coming from.

“Ah think so,” she answered.

“Come then, young one. There is no time to be lost,” said Luna.

And with that, the two of them made their way into the Everfree Forest.

For most of her life, Apple Bloom had believed the Everfree Forest to be a dangerous, hostile place that nopony who entered ever returned from. But after the Element Bearers returned from their first adventure, the danger of the forest was brought into question. And with Zecora’s help, the truth was finally determined: the danger varied. It varied a lot.

There were half a dozen or so factors: time of days, which part of the forest you were walking through, the current season, ect. If you knew all the factors and traveled correctly, the Everfree was as safe as the Whitetail Woods. But if you messed up even one of them, it would quickly become apparent why the forest had such an infamous reputation.

By Apple Bloom’s reckoning, they were violating at least four rules: they were off the marked roads, they were traveling at night, this time of year some predators in the area were extra aggressive to invaders, and they were actively going towards whatever was causing them such unease instead of running the other direction.

While the battle ax was a bit much, Apple Bloom had to admit she was glad Princess Luna was traveling with her. She did not want to be out alone in a place like this.

“Ah… this brings back fond memories of my younger years. Perhaps constructing an entire castle here was a bit much, but I did always enjoy exploring this place,” said Luna with a smile, swinging her ax like an oversized machete.

“Uh, Ah wasn’t goin’ to say anything, but since ya brought it up, Ah still don’t really get why ya built that thing,” admitted Apple Bloom.

“To prove that we could, I suppose. An act of hubris by youthful alicorns who believed themselves invincible. Alas, if only we could have recognized such bluster as it was. Perhaps many regrets and misdeeds could have been avoided,” said Luna with a sad shake of her head.

The two of them fell silent for an awkward moment. Apple Bloom was worried that maybe this conversation had stirred up unpleasant memories, but then Luna chuckled.

“But in retrospect, I suppose I have no right to complain. What was a thousand years imprisoned, compared to a thousand years of bureaucracy? There are days when I ponder if my fate was an act of generosity,” said Luna with a smile.

“Wait… did ya sneak out here in the middle of your court?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Perhaps. But I doubt there will be much consequence for not being there to listen to arrogant fools beg me to give them their own constellations,” said Luna with a roll of her eyes.

They were pretty deep in the forest now. Whatever was drawing them forward seemed to be getting close.

“So… what exactly do ya think it is? If it ain’t dark magic, how come Ah can feel it?” asked Apple Bloom, nervously eyeing the surrounding darkness.

“Some form of undeath, I suspect. One hopefully forged from something far more pleasant than dark magic,” answered Luna.

“Wait, there’s more kinds of undead than ghouls, zombies, and liches?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Not the sort of undeath you are thinking of, young Apple Bloom. There are other ways in which a spirit may yet linger on the mortal plain past their natural time. Lingering wills yet to find their eternal rest, souls trapped in powerful seals, or beings that were never truly alive to begin with, yet somehow became more,” explained Luna.

“So… ghosts?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Possibly. Though that alone would not draw you here. There must be something more to consider,” said Luna.

“Ah guess. I mean, Ah didn’t even know ghosts were real, but considering everything else Ah’ve learned about it ain’t… wait!” cried Apple Bloom.

There was a strange, otherworldly sensation, as if some fundamental aspect of the world had just shifted. The two of them stopped, as Apple Bloom focused on a nearby shrub. Luna drew up her ax, taking a battle stance in anticipation of the worse.

“What is it? Have you identified something?” asked Luna.

“For a second there, Ah could have sworn Ah saw somethin’ bright orange” answered Apple Bloom.

“Oh. You spotted me…” came a soft and otherworldly voice.

And then from the bushes came a small filly. She was young, roughly about Apple Bloom’s age, with a gray coat, bright orange mane and tail, and a magnifying glass for a cutie mark. But her eyes were glowing with a strange light and, to Apple Bloom’s surprise, she was transparent.

“Greetings, young spirit,” said Luna in a rather calm and surprisingly friendly tone.

“Er… Hello? Are you… not scared of me?” asked the filly.

“Well, not really. Hard to be scared of something a little spooky when ya see something terrifyin’ in the mirror every mornin’. But that said, have we met before? Ah swear there’s something familiar about ya,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Um… not really? I don’t think we ever had the chance to talk last time we crossed paths. I mean, well…” the filly trailed off, her head hung low.

Then it finally clicked in Apple Bloom’s mind.

“Wait a minute, aren’t ya that pony Ah saw that night Ah got cursed? The filly those ghoul ponies murdered?” asked Apple Bloom.

The filly was silent for a moment, but then looked up, giving Apple Bloom an expression that she was all too familiar with, but never directed at her: shame and regret for deeds done to the one she was looking at.

“Yes. That was me. And it’s because of me that you…” the filly stuttered as ghostly tears started to fall from her face.

“Nay, young one. The blame does not lie with you. You are not bound by the vile hate that binds those souls to this world. And if not young Apple Bloom, some other poor soul would surely have stumbled upon that ghoulish trap,” reassured Luna.

“Yeah. And, Ah mean, Ah was told so many times not to wander into the Everfree, but Ah did it anyways. All ya did was give me direction to wander into, and at least Ah didn’t get eaten or nothin’ by followin’ ya. Yeah, Ah’m cursed, but Ah ain’t dead. And Ah’ve gotten used to it. It ain’t that bad, really,” added Apple Bloom.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better…” mumbled the filly.

“Well, yeah. That’s the point of tryin’ tah cheer somepony up. And ain’t it up to the one who got hurt to decide on who to blame when something goes wrong?” said Applebloom.

“I would disagree with such a rule of hoof, but here and now the point stands. Young Applebloom wishes you no harm, little one, and neither do I,” said Luna.

The ghost filly let out a sniffle, but gave a friendly smile.

“So… Ah never really caught your name,” said Apple Bloom.

“Oh, right. My name is…” said the ghost.

Apple Bloom blinked, then looked around in confusion. She was back at the edge of the Everfree, and the sun was due to rise in less than an hour. But she’d just been… wait, what had she been doing again?

“Ah, so we’ve returned to the realm of the living, it seems,” said Luna.

Apple Bloom gave a jump, and turned towards Luna, very much confused and worried.

“No need to panic, young Apple Bloom. Such loss of memory is inevitable when communicating with lingering wills. Our physical forms cannot truly recall interactions with that which does not truly dwell within our realm,” explained Luna.

“Uh… come again?” asked Apple Bloom.

“To be blunt, the living cannot recall their encounters with the dead,” said Luna with a roll of her eyes.

“Really?” asked Apple Bloom in disbelief.

“Oh yes. It’s actually fairly common for ponies to speak with the dead, but such interactions are inevitably forgotten afterwards. In fact, It’s very possible that this was not your first encounter with such an entity, young one,” said Luna.

“What?! Ah might have been talkin’ tah ghosts all this time and not even know?!” exclaimed Apple Bloom.

“Well, it’s not as if we have the means to prove it to be true or otherwise. But back to our encounter this evening. While we cannot recall our encounter itself, there are a great many clues we can use to deduce what happened. Tell me, young one, can you guess what we've forgotten?” asked Luna

“Um… well, we don’t look hurt or tired, so the ghost must have been friendly, right?” guessed Apple Bloom.

“Indeed. And as it appears that our spirit escorted us to the very edge of the forest, we must have gotten on rather well with whoever it was. Furthermore, the sense of unease that drew us here has passed, so the matter must have been adequately resolved,” said Luna.

“Huh. You’re right. Mah stomach finally calmed down. But… What the hay did we even do?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Alas, we shall not know until our mortal days are over. Not even the undead are immune to this effect, even those brought back after their passing. While I am uncertain as to the reason for spirits to be unrecalled by the living, I've always suspected it to be a sort of safeguard to the great beyond, whatever that may be,” said Luna.

“Ah’m… not sure how Ah feel about all that,” admitted Apple Bloom.

“Neither do I, to be honest. Unlike ghouls, knowledge of ghosts is fleeting not due to efforts to keep such knowledge out of the wrong hoofs, but simply because most ponies do not wish to dwell on such things. On that note, it may be wise not to dwell here for much longer. I believe your sister will awaken soon, and neither of us desire for her to learn of this journey,” said Luna.

“Oh, Horseapples, you’re right! See ya later, Princess!” exclaimed Apple Bloom as she ran home.

“Language!” called Luna.

Thankfully, Apple Bloom managed to get home and remove the note before Applejack woke up. And honestly, considering she couldn’t even remember the most important part, Apple Bloom saw no reason to tell her sister anyway. And definitely not because she’d probably get grounded.

But, as Apple Bloom climbed into her bed to try and get at least a little rest, she couldn’t help but wonder about what Luna had said: if ghosts were real, and you could never recall actually meeting them, was it really possible that Apple Bloom had encountered other ghosts before tonight?

Apple Bloom jumped as she heard the rooster crow. She could have sworn she had a little more time before the day started, but apparently not. With sigh, she dragged herself back out of bed, and headed to the bathroom to start her day.

“Darn it. Hope being a ghoul means Ah can get away with no sleep…” grumbled Apple Bloom.

Author's Note

Yeah, she totally just lost track of time. Nothing to see here...

And yes, I am aware the ghost filly has an 'offical' name.

Anyways, got another one out.

Chapter 17: Sub button. No, the other kind of sub

It was a crisp, beautiful afternoon. It would have been a perfect day to go outside and play, if it hadn’t rained all morning and the clouds had only just been cleared out. So, not wanting to stay inside or give Rarity a heart attack from all the mud, the three friends had opted to step a little outside their comfort zone. Well, mostly Scootaloo’s comfort zone.

“Ugh…” groaned Scootaloo as she slammed her head on the side of the boat.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle rolled their eyes as the tiny vessel rocked at Scootaloo’s angry headbanging. They’d only been on the water for ten minutes and they were already getting tired of this.

“Oh, get over it, Scootaloo. Ya’ve done nothin’ but whine since we got here,” said Apple Bloom.

“Seriously. You lost the bet fair and square, so now we’re fishing for the afternoon,” said Sweetie Belle.

“I would never have agreed to that bet if I wasn’t certain I would win! How the hay did Snails make that shot?!” complained Scootaloo.

“Of course ya wouldn’t take the bet if ya didn’t think it’d go your way. That’s what a bet is, Scootaloo. What’s that old sayin’? ‘Don’t make a bet unless you’re prepared to lose’ or something like that,” said Apple Bloom.

“I don’t think that’s an actual saying, but it fits. You have no one but yourself to blame for taking that bet in the first place, Scootaloo,” added Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo just continued to grumble. Her friends shared a sigh and turned their attention back to their fishing poles.

“By the way, not that I’m complaining or anything, but why fishing? Didn’t we agree last time that this was one of the most boring cutiemark attempts we’d ever tried?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, but that was because we were only there for the marks. This time, we’re just here to sit back, relax, and enjoy this beautiful day. Ah even came prepared to pass the time if it gets to be too borin’,” said Apple Bloom, pulling a book out of her bag.

Sweetie Belle couldn’t help but notice that Apple Bloom had brought the first volume of a fairly dark yet very intriguing fantasy series. A bit unusual for the young apple farmer, but Sweetie Belle always thought it was a good read.

“Seriously Apple Bloom? If you were just going to read, you didn’t have to drag the two of us out here with you,” complained Scootaloo.

“But then Ah wouldn’t be spendin’ the afternoon with mah friends, now would Ah? And would ya stop actin’ like this is torture or something. Ah know for a fact ya don’t need a book to keep yourself entertained,” countered Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo let out a sigh, then seemed to get an idea as she quickly lifted her head.

“Fine. I guess I just have to admit there’s nothing wrong with sitting back and taking it easy for a bit. We don’t have to do something exciting everytime we hang out together. We’re long overdue for some quiet time,” said Scootaloo

A cricket in some nearby reeds began chirping for no reason.

“Drat. Was hoping that would make something interesting happen,” admitted Scootaloo.

“Tempting fate doesn’t always work when you want it to happen, Scootaloo,” deadpanned Sweetie Belle.

While Sweetie Belle could admit that fishing would not have been her first choice of activity either, it hadn’t been that bad so far. They’d had no bites after an hour, but that was fine. The fact that the boat was still afloat was a clear sign this was going better than their last fishing outing. And it was hard to complain when it was so nice outside.

Scootaloo had even stopped grumbling and was taking a nap. Or more likely, she was just turning her attention inward and was busy snooping on her family. Fair enough, considering how often she complained about them doing the same to her.

Apple Bloom had her book out by now, though her expression seemed to frequently switch between fascinated and uncomfortable. Not unsurprisingly really, considering the book in question. When the introduction of the series went into such detail about how unpleasant and dangerous every part of the fictional world was, one should probably prepare themselves for a read with a bit of teeth. Like those monster trees in said world.

As for Sweetie Belle, she was content experimenting with some internal systems she’d discovered recently. Seriously, was she ever going to run out of new things to discover about her robotic body?

Geez, this air pressure reading is useless. Of course my supply is constantly increasing and decreasing. I’m breathing! That’s kind of the entire point! Then again, I guess there’s the fact that I don’t even need to breathe anymore, between the voice synthesizer and alternative fuel systems. I’m just doing it out of habit more than anything, thought Sweetie Belle.

“Wait, did Twig really just accidentally destroy two entire cities?” asked Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo both turned to look at Apple Bloom at her outburst.

“Destroyed two… Oh, are you talking about the goblin colony built over the glass bug nest?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah. Ah mean, Twig didn’t do it on purpose or anything, and he was clearly in danger if he stayed, but wow. That seems like a bit much,” said Apple Bloom.

“Glass bugs? What the hay are you even reading?” asked Scootaloo.

“Ah have no idea. Ah asked Twilight for something with a little edge to it, and this is what she gave me. Ah know she ain’t the type to just give it to me as a bad pun, so Ah figured Ah might as well give it a read, but it’s been kinda intense so far,” said Apple Bloom with a shrug.

“Yeah, that series can get a bit brutal. Especially for one that has pictures in the books. I remember there was this one really nasty image in book six with…” started Sweetie Belle.

“Hey! No spoilers! Ah didn’t say Ah didn’t like it!” objected Apple Bloom.

“Ok, now I’m curious. Are there pictures of these glass bugs?” asked Scootaloo.

“Oh, yeah. Here, let me just flip back a few…” started Apple Bloom.

Unfortunately, at the same moment Apple Bloom lifted her book, Scootaloo shifted her weight forward, rocking the boat. The three ponies could only watch in horror as the book flew out of Apple Bloom’s hooves, over the side, and into the lake. And during the second it took them to realize what had just happened, the book sank beneath the water.

“Oh, horse apples! That was a library book! Twilight’s gonna kill me!” cried Apple Bloom.

Without another word, Apple Bloom threw herself into the lake and dove straight down. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo shared an awkward look.

“Whoops. Probably should have let her come to me. Uh… well, I guess I’ll just have to pay for a replacement book then,” said Scootaloo.

“Why would you do that?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Sweetie Belle, that book just fell into the lake,” deadpanned Scootaloo.

“And ever since Tirek blew up her tree, Twilight’s kept all her books under every protective spell she knows. As long as we get it out of the water before we leave, it should be fine,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Oh. Well, nevermind then. Guess we’ll just wait for her to fish it out, and it’ll be like nothing happened,” said Scootaloo.

“Yeah, but now she’s going to smell like rotting flesh for the rest of the day, so I think you owe her an ice cream,” said Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo responded with a groan.

A minute passed. Then another. Ten minutes of waiting later, and Apple Bloom still had yet to surface.

“OK, I’m starting to get a little worried, now,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah. The lake isn’t that deep. She could have swam to the bottom and back at least four times by now. You think she’s stuck or something?” said Scootaloo.

“Maybe. Or she could have run into that squid we saw down there,” worried Sweetie Belle.

“I think Fluttershy said she talked it into swimming upriver. But you’re right, she might be in trouble,” agreed Scootaloo.

“But what do we do if she is? Can you turn into a fish or something and check on her?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Full on fish, no. But I can do gills and a few fins just fine. Give me a sec to reel in the fishing rods to be safe… OK. Just sit tight for a minute, Sweetie Belle. This shouldn’t take too long,” said Scootaloo.

Scootaloo tossed herself overboard. There was a flash of green, and a rather fishy looking pony (Sweetie Belle apologized to herself for that one), swam down into the lake as well.

A minute passed. Then two. Once again, ten minutes passed, and there was no sign of either of her friends.

OK, now I’m really starting to get worried. There has to be something going on down there. What should I do? What can I do? I can’t turn into a fish… wait, or can I? Wasn’t there something in the manual about an aquatic mode? thought Sweetie Belle.

AQC Mode activated.

Wait, no! I’m still on the boat! thought Sweetie Belle.

Alas, the familiar sensation of something inside her moving suddenly ran through her entire body. With a loud clunk, her legs suddenly clamped up tight to her barrel, locking into place as her hooves felt like they snapped open. Something moved into her mouth, forcing her lips open, while also plugging up her throat. She could feel her tail bending in some unusual way, ending in a strange shape she didn’t recognize. And then, the sensation stopped, leaving Sweetie Belle feeling incredibly stiff and unable to move or speak.

Huh. Guess I do have an aquatic mode. Not sure why it’s referred to as AQC though. Or why just thinking aquatic mode was enough to turn it on. Shouldn’t there be some sort of lock to keep it from activating on land or something? Sigh… Good thing I had an extra big lunch today. This is going to take awhile, Sweetie Belle thought to herself.

Luckily, when her legs had locked up, she landed leaning far onto one side of the boat. And with no other ponies to provide a counterbalance, the boat quickly started tilting. So, after a few awkward seconds of being helpless, Sweetie Belle toppled over and fell into the lake.

Immediately, she felt a lot less helpless. Water flowed through her mouth, her legs, and even her tail, giving her the sense she could actually move again. And as she flexed her legs, the water flow seemed to shift, pushing her side to side.

Aw geez, how do I move like this? It feels like… Are my legs and tail working like little fans pushing water around? Note to self, check the manual about this as soon as I get home. Uh… Sweetie Bot? Is there some kind of tutorial or something for this? thought Sweetie Belle.

Processing… AQC tutorial available. Estimated duration: six hours. Would you like you to begin now?

Six hours?! I don’t have time for that! My friends are in trouble! I’ll just have to work it out for myself for now, thought Sweetie Belle.

Are you sure you want to skip the tutorial? You’ll have no one but yourself to blame if you look like a moron.

...

Ok, seriously, why are so many of these automatic messages so snarky? Who the hay programmed this thing? thought Sweetie Belle.

“Take that, you idiot streamers! Spending two hours running in circles because you couldn’t spend two seconds reading the tutorial pop up is not entertainment!”

“Dude, he poked fun at himself for that one. Adding snarky code he’ll never see isn’t going to help. Let it go,”

“He called my favorite game ‘too vague and confusing!’ I will never forgive him!”

“Sigh…”

After wildly flailing about for several minutes, Sweetie at least managed to work out how to dive, turn, and move forward. Apparently, the most important part was the strange shape her tail had been bent into. Her movements were a bit clunky, but good enough to find and help her friends. So, hoping she was now up to the task, she started her descent into the depths.

The Ponyville lake wasn’t that deep. It didn’t take her long to reach the bottom. And when she got there, she found a cloud of murky water waiting for her. It was too thick to see very far, and there was no sign of her friends.

Well, that’s not good. Something must have kicked up a lot of muck from the lakebed. Probably whatever’s keeping Scootaloo and Apple Bloom down here. Hope it really wasn’t that squid. OK, what else can I do like this? A flashlight or some kind of sonar, maybe? thought Sweetie Belle.

There was a click, and suddenly Sweetie Belle could see with much greater ease, as a pair of bright lights suddenly shined out of her eyes. There was also a loud ping noise, and a moment later Sweetie Belle had a faint mental picture of her surroundings.

Huh. That’s convenient. Glad this whole system can be turned on just by thinking of what I need. You know, when I’m actually in the water to use it. Alright, get serious, Sweetie Belle. You don’t know how long you have before you start starving, so focus on finding the girls and getting back up as soon as you can. And the book, if possible, Sweetie Belle reminded herself.

She let out another ping, this time paying closer attention to what it showed her. There didn’t seem to be any sign of her friends, but thankfully no sign of that squid either. Just mud, some fish, a few sponges, and a bunch of seaweed. That last one seemed a little off to Sweetie Belle.

Hm… Guess we must have been on the shallow side of the lake that time we went scuba diving. I didn’t know this stuff grew so thick down here. Just look at the clump over there. It looks less like a natural growth and more like a giant sushi roll or something, thought Sweetie Belle.

It took an embarrassing number of seconds for it to click in her head.

Or… that might not be natural. I should probably check it out, thought Sweetie Belle.

Getting closer, she noticed that the large clump of seaweed was moving, and far too fast to just be water currents. It seemed fairly obvious that there was something tangled up inside. While her legs and mouth were still locked up, Sweetie Belle was able to nudge loose a few leaves with her muzzle, which was enough to ease the knot open to reveal an orange abomination.

Yeesh, Scootaloo. I suddenly get why you never want to show us your disguises until they’re finished. That mutilated body is going to haunt my nightmares for weeks, thought Sweetie Belle.

The mutant half-pony half-fish horror shook her head, turned to Sweetie Belle, and let out a stream of bubbles in surprise. Sweetie Belle responded with an eye roll that was extra noticeable with how her flashlight suddenly flared around.

Come on, Scootaloo, this is far from the weirdest thing we’ve seen this body do. And we still need to find Apple Bloom, thought Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle was about to turn on her voice synthesizer to remind Scootaloo of this, but the orange sea monster let out a bubble filled sigh, then made a follow me motion with one of her hoof-fin things before turning and swimming a meter or two to the left. Sweetie Belle followed, and quickly spotted what Scootaloo was trying to show her: a small yellow sponge that was poking out of the side of a lakebed hill.

What’s so special about a sponge? I mean, yeah, it looks a little funny. It’s a bit round and almost looks like a… Wait a minute… that’s not a sponge, is it? thought Sweetie Belle.

Twenty minutes later, they were back on the surface. Scootaloo was rowing the boat back to shore by herself, as Sweetie Belle was too hungry to help while Apple Bloom swam along at a distance. An unfortunate necessity as not only did Apple Bloom smell like a corpse, but a soggy corpse covered in pond scum. Friendship is a powerful force, but so is overwhelming odor.

“You didn’t pass Murphy Law on the way out here, did you? Because I can’t believe you just happened to get buried in a mudslide at the bottom of a lake,” said Scootaloo.

“It didn’t just happen. Mah book landed at the bottom of a small cliff. When Ah pulled it out of the muck it must have shook the whole thing loose. Glad Ah held onto the book, or we’d have never found it in that mess. Thanks for diggin’ me out, girls. Ah probably would have been stuck down there for days,” said Apple Bloom.

“No problem, Apple Bloom. Though how did Scootaloo even spot your hoof? I thought it was a sponge,” said Sweetie Belle.

“She was still wiggling it like mad when I got down there. The problem is that I didn’t see the seaweed until my tail was caught in it. And when I tried to turn around and free myself, well, you saw what happened. Sorry for messing up the fishing trip, girl. I really should have known better than to tempt fate,” admitted Scootaloo.

“It’s fine, Scootaloo. Ain’t like this is the first Ah’ve stunk to high heavens. But Ah think Ah’ll leave mah book at home next time we get on a boat, fishin’ or otherwise,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, and not a single fish to show for our struggle. let’s just agree that this fishing trip was a bust and never talk about it again,” said Sweetie Belle.

“What, are ya kiddin’? Ya turned into some kind of underwater boat, Sweetie Belle! Ah think that’s certainly worth talkin’ about,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah. That was really cool! We’ve got to see what else that thing can do sometime,” added Scootaloo.

“It came with a six hour tutorial, Scootaloo. I really want to check my manual before trying that again. If you’d both been buried in mud I’d have been useless down there. Also, I’m starving. I could really go for a hayburger right now,” said Sweetie Belle.

When they reached the shore, however, they saw a small pink package waiting for them, with a button on the top and a note attached.

“Push the sub button to sub your sub with subs for the sub after subbing? What the hay does that mean, and what the hay is this thing even doing here?” asked Scootaloo.

“Two words: Pinkie Pie,” deadpanned Sweetie Belle.

She pushed the button, causing the package to open up into a pile of long round-edged sandwiches.

“... There’s a pun here. Ah can feel it, Ah just don’t know what it is,” said Apple Bloom.

“Same,” agreed her friends.

Author's Note

Back again! And technically before April this time. With what could from a certain angle could almost be considered a feghoot. Sigh...

By the way, I've been impressed in the past. Even the most obscure references I've put in have been recognized by at least one reader. But I will be shocked, genuinely shocked, if anyone recognizes the book series Apple Bloom was reading. Here's a hint: Twig is not a ponification.

Oh, and for anyone who couldn't work out the joke: Push the sub button to substitute your subsistence with subs (the sandwich) for the submarine after subbing.

Chapter 18: Streaming Live from Ponyville

A young colt whistled a cheerful tune as he trotted through Ponyville, taking in the sights and enjoying the early morning air. Or at least, that’s what he appeared to be doing. Look a little closer, and one would notice the glint in his eye. This colt was looking to cause trouble. Big trouble.

But before the fun could begin, he had to get the ball rolling, and that meant paying a visit to one particular house. It didn’t matter that he’d never set hoof in Ponyville before, he knew exactly where he was going.

Finally, he reached the house in question. Permitting himself a sinister grin, the colt knocked on the door and waited. Sure enough, the filly he’d been hoping to see opened the door.

“Ugh… it’s six in the morning. Who the…” started Scootaloo but then trailed off when she realized who she was looking at.

“Hey, sis. Just wanted to let you know that I happened to be in the neighborhood,” said the colt.

But to the colt’s disappointment, Scootaloo’s reaction was a bit underwhelming. She just continued to look at him, unblinking, before slowly closing the door. No slamming, no yelling, nothing of the sort that the colt desired.

But then he heard the click of a lock, followed by a sudden scream across the hivemind.

“WHAT THE **** IS TWITCH DOING IN PONYVILLE?!” screamed Scootaloo.

Twitch grinned. Mission accomplished. He turned and started trotting away as the hive erupted into chaos.

“He’s WHAT?!”

“How the buck did he get out of the hive without anyone noticing?!”

“Why is he in Ponyville of all places?!”

“Oh no...”

“Oh NO!”

“Someone, stop him! Pin him down before anything happens!”

“The guards are already on the way, but they’ll take hours to get there!”

“Scootaloo! It has to be you!”

“Oh hay no! There is no way in Equestria I’m setting a hoof outside this door!” cried Scootaloo.

“Scootaloo, as your mother…” started Blue Monarch.

“No! I refuse! Ground me for months, I don’t care! I am not dealing with Twitch!” screamed Scootaloo.

Twitch grinned. There was the reaction he’d been looking for. And wouldn’t you know it, she was doing exactly what he’d been hoping for. If the only family in town wasn’t going to stop him from having fun, he was going to have a little fun.

Fluttershy hummed a happy tune as she made her way to her kitchen. It had proven to be a good morning so far. No major injuries to patch up, no fights among the more aggressive animals, and she had just finished sweeping, meaning she could take a moment to herself and enjoy a quick snack.

She reached for her fruit bowl, pulled out an apple, and sank her fang into it. She had to admit, it really wasn’t that bad still having a bit of fruit bat in her. The cravings were more than manageable, the fruit tasted better than ever, and while it was still a little intimidating, she had to admit the fang was starting to grow on her. Discord certainly seemed to like it, so…

There was a sudden thump from outside, startling Fluttershy. She nervously peeked outside, and immediately forgot about her snack. There was an injured bunny outside! The poor thing was torn up and bleeding!

She tossed her half-drained fruit aside, grabbed a first aid kit, and dashed out the door. It might already be too late. Those wounds looked so vicious. It was… It was…

It was just a stuffed bunny, covered in red paint with bits of pink string glued on to look like intestines.

…

“Angel, sweetie, could you hold down the house for a bit? I need to have a word with Rainbow about jokes. In. Poor. Taste,” growled Fluttershy.

Rarity let out a sigh of relief as she put down her sewing needle, and put the now finished dress onto the ponequin.

“Another one done. Honestly, why is it always that I either have far too many items to work on at once, or so few that I find myself with nothing to do? Need and demand will be as they are, but is a sensible workload every now and then too much to hope for?” Rarity mumbled.

Alas, the clock was still ticking. So Rarity put the finished dress aside and pulled out her sketchbook to start the next one. She immediately winced when she saw what the next item was.

“Bleh. This one must have been a premium commission from one of my more eccentric clients. Otherwise I doubt I would have ever agreed to such a terrible…” started Rarity.

But then she paused. Her well-honed fashion disaster sense was tingling, and not in the way a substandard sketch would cause. Something was wrong.

Rarity held the sketchbook up to the light, and was horrified to see the clear lines of light going through two designs. Somepony had torn them out, ripped them apart, and put them back together mismatched. The results were positively revolting! And if Rarity hadn't caught it before she started sewing…

“Pinkie Pie. You’ve gone too far this time! Nopony messes with my sketchbook! This means war!” Rarity declared to the heavens.

…

“After I finish, of course. Those deadlines aren’t going to wait,” Rarity mumbled as she started fixing the torn sketches.

This event would go down as the second worst prank spree in Ponyville’s history. It would ultimately be surpassed many years in the future, but here and now an angry mob of ponies were making a scene outside Twilight’s castle.

“Alright, who’s the wiseguy that replaced my toothpaste with icing? Are you trying to cost me my license?” demanded Colgate.

“My cello’s strings have been tangled! It’ll take hours for me to fix this! I have a concert this evening!” cried Octavia.

“When I get my hooves on whoever flooded my powdered gem stockpile with glitter…” grumbled Sparkler.

“Ah’ve got four barrels of apples covered in muck! Ah can’t sell any of this!” said Applejack with an angry stomp.

“They spiked our sugar bags with powdered cold medicine! This is unforgivable!” shouted Pinkie Pie.

“Scribbling in my Daring Doo collection?! Even if it was removable ink, that’s just taking it too far!” added Rainbow Dash.

Several ponies paused, only just realizing Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were in the crowd. Suspects number one and two were apparently not responsible this time.

“Princess, please tell me you’re planning to do something about this. Half our records have been scrambled around. We can’t find anything, and several contracts need to be renewed soon,” said Mayor Mare.

“Everypony, please calm down. The culprit for this latest, and frankly unbearable, prank spree has been identified. I’ve been informed that several guards arrived a few minutes ago, and have already arrested the one responsible,” reassured Twilight Sparkle.

“Royal guards? For a prankster? Is there an escaped criminal in town or something?” asked Carrot Top.

“Not quite, but let’s just say that the culprit is a bit of a… diplomatic issue,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“I dearly apologize for all the trouble Twitch has caused. Please spread the word that we will compensate for any damages and grievances the good ponies of Ponyville may have,” apologized Blue Monarch.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. This is Ponyville. This sort of thing happens every week or so. Nopony’s really that upset or expecting compensation aside from help cleaning up the mess,” reassured Twilight Sparkle.

“Nevertheless, the offer should be made. Twitch has always been a menace, but he’s kept his antics to the hive. I don’t know what compelled him to leave and cause chaos out here today, but rest assured we will be taking steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again,” declared Blue Monarch.

Twilight looked like she wanted to say something, but felt like it would be impolite to speak up. Blue Monarch, being a changeling, picked it up all the same.

“Princess, one of my children just terrorized your home. If you have any grievance…” started Blue.

“It’s not a grievance. It’s just… we have our share of pranksters in town, but Twitch seems to be constantly going too far. There’s only so much you can dismiss as youthful shenanigans. If Twitch is this unmanageable and destructive, why haven’t you taken more drastic measures to control him?” asked Twilight.

Blue Monarch seemed momentarily surprised that Twilight, of all ponies, was asking this, but then just let out a tired sigh. A sense of weariness seemed to overcome her.

“I have… considered more drastic forms of discipline, believe me. Outright arresting him, getting a cockatrice, and I can’t even deny I’ve never fantasized about…” Blue Monarch trailed off at Twilight’s horrified look.

“I didn’t mean something that extreme! Just, more than grounding him all the time since that doesn’t seem to work,” said Twilight with a frantic wave of her hoof.

“What other options do we have? Banishment? Before we revealed ourselves, he would have been a security risk. And now that the world knows of us, he’s a diplomatic incident waiting to happen. You and the ponies of this town might be willing to wave this incident off, but what about the rest of Equestria? Outside Equestria? We’ve been working so hard to prove that Chrysalis was an outlier for our species,” said Blue Monarch with a shake of her head.

“I can see why you’d be worried. Even if Twitch can’t lay eggs and build up his own army like Chrysalis, it’s not hard to imagine him becoming some sort of public menace if he truly left the hive,” noted Twilight.

“Precisely. And that’s just banishment. If I were to…” Blue Monarch paused again, seeming to have difficulty putting what she wanted to say into words.

“Tell me, Princess, what would you do if your child was destined to become a villain?” asked Blue Monarch.

Twilight blinked in surprise and nervously rubbed the back of her neck. That was… quite an awkward question, and it put what she’d just said to the changeling princess about drastic measures in a darker light.

“It has become increasingly apparent to me that at some point Twitch is going to be a problem that you and your friends, or maybe your successors, are going to have to address. Perhaps more of a friendship problem than a battle for Equestria, but it’s going to happen. Twitch just gets too much delight from causing others misery. And I…” Blue Monarch put a hoof to her head, looking utterly exhausted.

“What should I do, Princess? Lock him up, giving him incentive to escape and ensure we can’t track him? Restrict his ability to cause trouble until he decides to stop following my rules entirely? Petrification, so that when he eventually gets free he’ll have a motive to seek revenge? I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been letting him terrorize us in a limited fashion, in the hope it will starve off whatever twisted destiny he’s headed for. Better an out of hoof prankster than a terrorist,” said Blue Monarch.

The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence as Twilight struggled to think of a response to that.

“Um… I…” she mumbled

Blue Monarch gave a bitter chuckle.

“It just occurred to me that this is rather similar to what my aunt had to deal with when Chrysalis was young. Did you know she’d always been a problem child? Always ranting about vengeance and embracing our heritage. Well, at least I can say I won’t repeat the mistakes made then. My aunt dismissed it all as a teen rebellion and gave it no further thought,” said Blue Monarch.

“I… I’m sorry. Is there anything we can do to help? If Fluttershy could get Discord to come around, well, to an extent at least, maybe we can…” Twilight paused as Blue Monarch raised a hoof.

“The offer is appreciated, but I simply cannot allow it. You and your friends are one of Equrstria’s greatest shields. Dealing with Twitch would require a level of time, devotion, and patience I’m honestly not sure you can afford to offer,” said Blue Monarch.

The emotions Twilight radiated at that moment were surprisingly varied. Apparently she couldn’t decide whether to take praise for deeds past, guilt for an inability to help, or a sense of resigned doom at yet another reminder of the frankly insane path her life had taken the past few years.

“Er… if you're absolutely certain we can’t help…” started Twilight.

“I am. If it ever reaches the point where the bearers of Harmony must interfere, you will be the first to know. And rest assured, regardless of whatever future awaits that menace, I’ll be personally ensuring that he is properly punished for this mess. I’ve been preparing for this day, and it's time to crack out a certain nasty little surprise,” said Blue Monarch with a sneer.

Some time later, Blue Monarch stared down at Twitch, who was currently tied down to a bench, in the Ponville jailhouse, in a straightjacket, with hoofcuffs on just to be sure. Twitch, for his part, just sat on the iron bench with a smirk.

“Well, I’d ask if you’re proud of yourself, but it‘s quite obvious what the answer is. You do realize that if you had rampaged in any other part of Equestria…” started Blue Monarch.

“Well, Duh. Why do you think I came all the way to Ponyville?” replied Twitch with an eyeroll.

“First, don’t you dare interrupt me when you’re in this much trouble. Second, I can think of at least two dozen reasons why you’d target this town. And third, that in no way justifies your actions today! What in the All Mother’s name were you thinking?!” demanded Blue Monarch.

“Oh please. As if you could even begin to understand how my mind works. Don’t even try, mom. You’ll just end up hurting yourself. So, how about we skip the lecture and get to the part where you try, and fail, to discipline me?” replied Twitch.

“I had no desire to waste my breath on a lecture you’d have ignored anyway. But if you’re so eager to be punished…” said Blue Monarch.

She then levitated over a record album, and showed Twitch the title. Instantly, Twitch’s confident smirk was replaced with an expression of absolute horror.

“No. No, you wouldn’t dare! You hate that stuff just as much as the rest of us! You swore that that abomination would never be heard in the hive again!” objected Twitch.

“Yes, I did. But then again, we’re not at the hive right now, are we?” said Blue Monarch as she pulled out a pair of ear plugs.

“That’s your brilliant plan?! To torture me with something that you wouldn’t dare to use at the hive so I never leave home again?!” exclaimed Twitch.

“Considering the sweat already forming on your brow, I’d say it's rather well thought out. So, as punishment for this little excursion and all the misery you've inflicted upon the good citizens of this town, I hereby sentence you to half an hour of listening to this… mockery of sound. And the next time you dare cause trouble outside our walls, I’ll triple it. So, sit back and enjoy yourself, Twitch. I know I will,” said Blue Monarch with a sneer.

Remember everyone, block out both me and Twitch for the next half hour. None of you deserve to listen to this garbage,” Blue Monarch sent into the hivemind.

And with that, the record was slapped into a record player and began to play. The air was soon filled with the screeches and wails of the bane of all changelings. It was quickly joined with the sound of Twitch screaming in agony.

Twitch might have enjoyed inflicting misery, but there were certain lines he’d never cross. That cursed record was one of them. And as his mind began to cloud up in a desperate attempt to protect itself, several new avenues of torture suddenly seemed far more acceptable to use against his family.

After being forced to listen for half an hour, Twitch was in such agony he didn’t make a single quip as he was escorted back to the hive. It would be a very, very long time before Twitch would dare leave home again.

But one day, he would…

Author's Note

I did mention ages ago that Twitch would get his turn in the spotlight. And I'll leave it your imagination what music is so awful that it's banned from the Cloudsdale hive.

It's classic polka. I have nothing against the genre itself, but when you're forced to listen to something while in the car for years on end...

Chapter 18.5: Meanwhile, in the Foreground...

Twilight let out an awkward chuckle. This was rather embarrassing on several levels.

“Alright, I supposed I owe you an apology or two,” said Twilight.

“Oh no, it’s fine. I’m a changeling. Fading into the background just means I’m doing my job. And being friends with you meant dealing with your muzzle constantly in a book. You’ve always had a habit of missing the small stuff, you know,” said Minuette with a wave of her hoof.

“I know, but that’s no excuse for failing to recognize that an old friend worked in Ponyville. Especially my dentist! I can’t believe I never realized you have a clinic right here after all these years. It would have saved us both so much time and trouble if we didn’t have to go back to Canterlot for my appointments,” asked Twilight.

“Well, to be fair, I never thought to suggest you switch to my main clinic either. We’re both just creatures of habit, I guess, and never thought to break up the routine. Plus there’s the fact that we never really talk while you’re in the chair because of how effective you are at taking care of your teeth. I don’t even need to remind you to floss!” said Minuette with a giggle.

“I guess. Still seems kind of rude,” said Twilight.

“Well, I for one have already forgiven you. And again, I'm a changeling, so I was kind of subconsciously trying not to stand out. Blue’s a fairly common coat color, an hourglass cutie mark is nothing special, and everyone in town knows me by my nickname, so there’s really little for you to connect a pony in the background with your dentist anyway,” said Minuette with a shrug.

“About that. How did you get that nickname? I mean, well…” said Twilight nervously.

“I know, I know. My mane looks like toothpaste, even without my disguise. That’s part of the reason why I got it. You see, before I set up shop here, I was contacted by a certain company who thought my mane would be perfect for a little advertising. I needed the extra bits to start up after getting my license, so I figured why not. By the time I came to town, the ads had already circulated, so everypony already knew me as “the Colgate pony,” explained Minuette.

“Huh. I don’t think I ever saw those ads,” said Twilight.

“Not surprising, considering your dental history and your habit of keeping a book on hoof at all times. The contract expired ages ago, so they don’t print them anymore, but I kept a few for myself. I even posted one of them on the walls in my Ponyville waiting room,” said Minuette, pointing to a nearby wall.

Sure enough, there was Minuette, smiling at the viewer as a giant toothbrush hung over her. The angle and scale of the poster gave the impression of toothpaste being spread onto the brush. The text read: “Remember to brushie brushie brushie!”

“Huh. That’s… actually really fitting for you, I think. You always were the energetic one of the group,” said Twilight.

“And proud of it! Not even Lyra could beat me for raw energy!” said Minuette with a smile.

“Unless humans were involved,” said Twilight with a giggle.

“And that’s why she was happy being the weird one,” said Minuette with a giggle of her own.

“Hm… Nope! Not doing anything particularly interesting today, Gummy. Might as well just head on out and read about somepony else,” said Pinkie.

Gummy just flopped over on the table, lost in his own thoughts. But then, the bell at the front door of Sugarcube Corner suddenly rang.

“Oh! Nevermind, Gummy. It looks like we have a customer!” cheered Pinkie.

Pinkie pronked her way to the entrance, and saw Berry Punch hobble her way inside.

“Good… *hic* after… after… afternoon, Pinkie. You got… *hic* the goods?” slurred Berry.

“Oh, I have all kinds of goods! Baked goods, cold goods, a good hug…” rambled Pinkie.

“Aw… *hic* I could always go for a… a… *hic* hug. Come ‘ere, Pink… pink… *hic,*” choked out Berry as she awkwardly threw out her front legs.

Unfortunately, the drunken mare had forgotten to stand up on her hind legs first, causing her to crash face first to the floor.

“Mmm… *hic* I’m is OK,” she mumbled.

Pinkie Pie giggled, but reached down and helped the drunken mare back to her hooves, as she did more often than not. Not that Pinkie could ever think of a time when Berry wasn’t drunk. Rumor had it that Berry sleep-drank so she always woke up sloshed, but Pinkie never believed that. Berry Punch would never drink anything if she couldn’t taste it. The mare’s cutie mark gave her certain standards.

“You’re looking a little more topsy than usual for this time of the day, Berry.” said Pinkie.

“Yeah… *hic* I know. Bit early to get… *hic* this washted. But business calls and… uh… *hic* gotta do whash I gotta… *hic* do,” said Berry with a lopsided grin.

“Wow. Must have been a lot of drinks to test at work today. Hope they paid you well for it. Anyway, what can I do for you today? You have something special planned?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh! Yesh, that’s… *hic*... that’s right! Mah baby… *hic* baby’s birthday’s in tree… tree… *hic* three days! Gotta… gotta make sure she… *hic* gets the best of the… the… pink! *hic* Yeah… pink,” said Berry with a smile.

“Well, of course I have the best ready for her! I wouldn’t dream of doing any less! Don’t you worry your drunken little head, Berry. I’ve got it allllllll planned out. Ruby’s going to absolutely love it!” said Pinkie.

“That’sh good. *hic* Very good. I just gotta… *hic* Needed to make shhhure. *hic* Gotta make her spe… spe… *hic* special day special. Cause… *hic* She deserves the best,” said Berry.

There are happy drunks, and then there’s Berry Punch. Despite being perpetually somewhere between buzzed and unconscious due to alcohol, she was possibly one of the most loving and doting mothers in town. One might ask how this is possible, but then one should remember that this is Ponyville. Berry was far from the weirdest pony in town.

“And she will get it. Now, I hope you didn’t hobble all the way across town like this just to remind me to do my favorite job. Can I get you something to help you get a little less wobbly?” asked Pinkie.

“Eh… *hic* I’ll be fffffine. Just gotta… *hic* stay home after… *hic* I’ms done here. No… *hic* no plans tonight. But yeah, I’ll uh… *hic* take a few cupcakks... *hic* Cupcakes. I could use a… *hic* a little pick me up, and a little shome… *hic* something for Ruby when she… *hic* gets home,” said Berry.

“Coming right up!” said Pinkie as she dashed behind the counter.

Fluttershy gave her reflection another careful look over. Her mane was properly combed, her coat was perfectly clean, and her teeth were brushed and sparkling.

Well, her teeth, and her fang.

She just couldn't help herself and once again paused to stare at her fang. It had been there for some time now, but it still startled her more often than not when she saw her reflection. She’d learned a trick to hide it under her lips without biting herself, but that took concentration, so she only used it when necessary.

“Well, I suppose it is kind of cute… if strange being in a pony’s mouth,” she mumbled to herself.

Suddenly, she heard a loud crashing sound. She quickly made her way to her living room, and was surprised to see she had a guest waiting for her. But it wasn’t a pony. In fact, Fluttershy wasn’t even sure what it was. But it was clearly scared out of its little mind, standing up on its hindlegs and pressed against the far wall. All of her other animals were nowhere to be seen, clearly scared away by the sudden appearance of the new arrival.

“Oh, my. Don’t worry little one, I’m not going to hurt you,” said Fluttershy, keeping her body low and moving slowly.

The creature looked at her with dark eyes that emanated fear, but also a spark hinting at some small amount of intelligence behind them. As she moved closer, Fluttershy studied it to try and figure out what it was. It was small, but not that small, just short of three feet while up on its hindlegs if Fluttershy had to guess. Its white coat was fairly fluffy, and its face and paws seemed noticeably feline, mixed with a bit of rodent and having distinctly rounded edges. But its tail was rather unusual: large and thick to the point you couldn’t tell where the line was between body and tail, if there even was one.

“Easy now. No need to be frightened,” said Fluttershy, inching ever so slowly closer.

The creature let out a small cry, or at least appeared to. The sound that came out was a cute sort of rumbling “wa” sound that caused its body to vibrate. Taking the chance to look into its mouth revealed small fangs and flat molars. An omnivore, perhaps? A scavenger? Hm… perhaps a little incentive could calm it down?

“Would you like something to eat? A berry, or maybe some fish?” asked Fluttershy.

The creature stopped its adorable little cry and looked at her in surprise. It didn’t exactly relax, but it didn’t look like it was about to lash out at her either. Taking care not to break eye contact, Fluttershy sidestepped to the animal-proof fruit basket she always kept in her living room in case of fruit cravings (Pinkie’s idea). She scooped out a hoof-full of fruit, put it down in the middle of her living room floor, and backed away.

The creature dropped down to all fours, slowly made its way to the fruit, paused to sniff it, and then took a careful bite. It seemed satisfied with the taste, as it quickly wrapped its tail around the other berries and started eating in earnest.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Fluttershy carefully drew closer, and gave it a more thorough investigation. Even up close, it was impossible to tell where that strange tail started, if it started at all. In fact, under the fur, Fluttershy couldn’t help but think its body structure was more fitting for a mollusk rather than a mammal. An invertebrate feline was far from the weirdest thing she’d ever seen, but she’d never even heard of such an animal before. And if it had suddenly appeared in her house, that could only mean one thing.

“I see. You must be one of those creatures from another world that Discord likes to surprise me with from time to time. Lightning mice, singing plants, they’re all so fascinating to see. But I do wish he’d bother asking if you were interested before bringing you here. You must have been so scared, being plucked away from your home like that,” said Fluttershy.

She carefully reached out to pet the creature. It was startled at the touch, but quickly leaned into her hoof. It clearly wasn’t used to being petted, likely a sign that ponies didn’t exist where it came from, but wasn’t completely unfamiliar with friendly physical contact. It even started purring.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be here to take you back home before too long. I gave him a lecture on making wild animals dependent on me when I can’t go back to their worlds with them. But I get the feeling that you’re a hardy opportunist when it comes to your diet. I’m sure you won’t forget how to hunt if you have one easy meal or two while you’re here,” said Fluttershy.

The creature gave another “wa,” this one noticeably more happy sounding.

It was a fact of life for the pony who made their living by completing other’s requests: sometimes, you simply had to do something you really, really didn’t want to do to put bread on your table. Even if every fiber of your being screamed in agony at the thought.

“Well, it is certainly an… eccentric design, but far be it for me to criticize a pony’s desires,” said Rarity.

“Oh, I know perfectly well it’s an insult to behold. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this thing in public. Rest assured, I want to be associated with this monstrosity as little as possible. That’s the whole reason I came here to ask you. Not nearly as many paparazzi around to catch wind of this out here compared to Canterlot. And in the event I somehow get outed for this, I swear upon my family name that I will not breathe a word that you were the one who made it,” said the client.

“Sir, I assure you I would never think otherwise of such a gentlecolt. I’m just… somewhat confused why you would want it in the first place,” said Rarity.

“I see. Well, let’s just say being a noble does not make one above a petty bet or two, and I should have taken better care of which carriage I decided to pull,” said the client with a sad shake of his head.

“Ah, yes. Petty bets. Celestia knows how often I’ve been involved in those (and I shall never forgive Applejack for that vile bathrobe). But even so, plaid pajamas? With a purple polka dot cape as an accessory? The stakes must have been quite high indeed to have such a price,” said Rarity.

“Alas, the price is never truly apparent until you have to pay it. But back to matter at hoof. Are you willing to make this for me? With your reputation, I imagine this to be well within your capabilities, likely even beneath them, but I will take no offense if you feel the need to distance yourself. I certainly wish I could do the same,” said the client.

Rarity sighed, giving the horror on the sketchpad another look. She certainly felt the need to distance herself. But the price the stallion insisted on paying? For what was ultimately a simple pair of pajamas? Even with the monstrosity she’d have to force herself to make, Rarity honestly felt she was robbing the poor gentlecolt blind!

And she could really use the money. She was so close now. Between her contacts in the capital and her ever rising reputation as a seamstress, she might be able to purchase that dream store in Canterlot in only a year or so!

But she still needed more funds to do it. And this paycheck would certainly help with that. All she had to do was soil her hooves with the filth on that sketchpad.

…

It took Rarity several minutes to make up her mind, and even then it was a very close call.

“Very well. I shall not leave my signature upon it, and I will indeed insist that you never speak of this, but I will do it,” said Rarity.

“Thank you kindly, Miss Rarity. I promise, not a soul alive shall learn of your involvement,” said the client.

Rarity gave the client a polite smile, while sobbing hysterically on the inside. This next week was going to be one of the worst in her career, but it would be worth it.

Dear Celestia, please let it be worth it…

Applejack considered herself an honest pony. OK, so her record wasn’t completely spotless on that front, but she did make an effort to be honest more often than not. So, unfortunately, she had to be honest with herself: she was bored. Stupidly bored. Bored to the point she found herself playing with a pair of apples like they were dolls.

“Yep, this here’s a fertile land. We shall grow into mighty trees and rule over it for many ages and call it… The Fertile Land,” said the left apple.

“Ah reckon your right. But ya know what would be a better name?” asked the right apple.

“To be honest, anythin’ would be better. What’s your idea?” said the left apple.

“Your grave!” said the right apple.

“No! How could Ah have possibly seen this sudden but inevitable betrayal comin’?” cried the left apple.

“Mwa ha ha! Hear mah laugh of evil! Now die!” said the right apple.

The two apples banged together in what was likely the most epic apple on apple fight in history. Well, not counting the times magic got invoiced.

“Ah! No! The pain! Dear Celestia, the pain!” cried the left apple.

“Ahem,” came a nearby voice.

The apples flew right off the market stand as Applejack looked up in horror, then winced at the sight of Carrot Top, of all ponies, looking back at her with a smug grin.

“Am I interrupting something, Applejack? Or are you suffering an especially bad market day? Not that I’d expect much else from your sub-standard goods,” taunted Carrot Top.

“Clearly not as bad as the one you're havin’, if ya can leave your stand unattended,” Applejack shot back.

“Or maybe I’ve just sold out?” said Carrot Top.

“Considering ya’ve never sold out once in the years Ah’ve seen ya work that half-rate carrot stand, Ah highly doubt that,” said Applejack.

“Well, regardless, I think I can afford to risk missing a potential customer to strike a little business deal with you. Namely, what would you be willing to do for me to buy my silence on the whole “Fertile Land” affair?” asked Carrot Top.

“Ya breath a word of this, and Ah spill about the ‘carrot walrus,’” countered Applejack.

“You wouldn’t dare,” said Carrot Top with a glare.

There was a moment of tension, but then it broke as the two ponies started laughing. Nothing like a bit of friendly mock-grudging to pass the time on a slow business day.

“Alright, alright, I have to admit that was a good one,” said Carrot Top.

“Really? Carrot Walrus? Ah don’t know where that hay that came from! Ah must be even more bored than Ah thought to come up with that,” said Applejack.

“And yet, I can easily picture myself shoving a pair of carrots in my muzzle and flopping about to break the tedium. Maybe I’d even curl up in a potato bag to really sell it,” said Carrot Top.

“Maybe it’d draw a crowd and we’d actually get some business, too. Ah swear, sometimes Ah wonder why Ah even bother openin’ the apple stand on days like this,” said Applejack.

“Ah well, what can you do? You have your days where you clear out completely before noon, and others where you can’t sell a thing. Anyway, It’s been a nice chat, Applejack, but I should get back to my own stand. Need to be ready in case that non-existent customer pays me a visit,” said Carrot Top.

“Yeah, nice hearin’ from ya,” said Applejack.

As Carrot Top made her way back, Applejack let out a sigh. She pulled another apple out of the nearly full basket and batted it back and forth a bit. Yes, slow market days were just part of the business, but experience really didn’t make them any easier to get through.

“Ya know, maybe Twilight’s right. Maybe Ah should start readin’ more. It’d probably be less awkward if Ah got caught with a book while workin’ the stand than havin’ an apple rebellion,” Applejack mumbled to herself.

“Alright, cloud quota’s been met, got a nice wind going to get ‘em all to the horizon at sundown, and not a raindrop in sight. I think we’re good to call it a day, everypony,” said Rainbow Dash.

“In that case, how about you and me call it a night? A night at my place?” called Thunderlane.

“Even if I was interested, and I’m not, I would never consider it after a pick-up line that awful. Get some better material, Thunderlane,” said Rainbow with an eye roll.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” said Thunderlane as he flew off.

There were some chuckles and giggles around the team, but everypony quickly flew off as well. Rainbow gave their weather duty efforts one last look over, then let out a sigh of resignation.

“I’d never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually going to miss this job when I’m a proper Wonderbolt. As boring as it is, there’s something just so satisfying about seeing your hard work laid out in front of you all complete and stuff. Guess Applejack’s starting to rub off on me. That pony never shuts up about that sort of thing,” Rainbow mumbled to herself with a shake of her head.

Still, she had tricks to practice, so she was about to head out as well when she suddenly noticed a pony resting on one of the clouds who was most certainly not part of the weather team. More importantly, a pony who wasn’t supposed to be up here near the clouds by herself.

“Derpy? What are you doing up here?” asked Rainbow as she approached.

The cross-eyed mare jumped in surprise, nearly falling off the cloud, but then turned to Rainbow with a smile.

“Oh! Hi, Rainbow Dash! Don’t mind me. I’m just trying to get back in touch with my inner pegasus. Haven’t really had the time to rest on a cloud for awhile,” said Derpy.

“Ah. I get you. Celestia knows how often I’ve wanted to drag Fluttershy up here to make sure she hasn’t completely forgotten what the higher altitudes feel like. But still, you know I’m going to have to keep an eye on you until you’re ready to head back down. Mayor’s orders,” said Rainbow.

“I’m just not allowed to work with clouds anymore. I can rest on one just fine. It’s been years since the last accident. I promise I’m not going to break anything this time,” said Derpy.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Derpy. I know for a fact that you’re not going to blow the roof off town hall again (if only because we’re over Sweet Apple Acres). But we both know that we’re going to get yelled at if anypony sees you alone up here. Sorry, Derpy, but I have to stay,” said Rainbow.

“Oh, right. Sorry to waste your time then. I can just…” said Derpy as she got up to leave.

“No, it’s fine. I can do my start-up stretches up here. You go ahead and finish up. I can even wait a bit if I have to,” said Rainbow.

“Oh! Thank you!” said Derpy with a smile.

Derpy sat back down and returned to her meditation, while Rainbow sat down and started stretching. True, the stretches were easier when she had something more solid than a cloud to push against, but it was fine. And it wasn’t like Rainbow really minded Derpy’s company.

Yes, Rainbow often got frustrated with the cross-eyed pegasus, she could admit that. But Derpy was a truly amazing pony. Rainbow had seen that strength herself all those years ago in flight school. It took a special kind of power to just keep smiling even as you fell further and further behind your classmates as your vision got worse and worse.

Spike flipped to the next page of his comic book. This was the most exciting thing that had happened to him all week.

No, seriously, it was. It was the climax of a story arc that had been going on for eight issues. He’d been looking forward to this for months.

“Yes! I knew the plan would work, girls! Now go and fulfill your destinies!” he cheered.

Author's Note

No April Fool's story from me this year. I'm still out of steam after last year's. Have an extra silly background chapter for URBC instead, complete with references to my least popular April Fool's day story.

I am 100% expecting someone to recognize the animal Fluttershy got to meet here, by the way.

Prologue: Our Lives are Weird

It was dark out, with only the slightest hint of the sun hidden over the horizon. And somewhere within the darkness, a horrid, headless form of a pony rose up, its body making disgusting, unnatural noises as it moved. It raised it hooves toward its missing head and…

“Horse apples. Ah snapped mah head off in mah sleep again,” cursed Apple Bloom.

The undead filly reached back, grabbed her head off her pillow, and put it back on her neck where it belonged.

“Ah’m gettin’ tired of doin’ this…” Apple Bloom grumbled.

With a resigned sigh, Apple Bloom climbed out of bed and gave herself a quick check over to make sure nothing else had come loose in the middle of the night. Despite how dark it was, Apple Bloom’s glowing red eyes enabled her to see herself clearly.

Everything seemed to be where it should be: still burnt black and making nauseating sounds with every move she made. Yet, Apple Bloom felt only a small trace of disgust. It really was amazing what a pony could get used to with enough time, friends, and books on the undead.

And almost getting kidnapped, but that step wasn’t always necessary.

Satisfied, Apple Bloom turned her attention elsewhere and looked out the window. A lifetime of experience and extremely early mornings told her it was still about half an hour until dawn. She was up a bit earlier than the rest of the family, which suited the young farm filly just fine.

She needed the extra time to take her morning bubble bath. It was kind of necessary for her to take one every morning to address the fact that she smelled like a dead body, on account of kind of being a dead body.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

“Gah!” cried Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle woke up in a panic as a loud beeping noise echoed in her head. After taking a moment to gain her bearings, she swung a hoof over to turn off her alarm, only to remember that it wasn’t the alarm clock next to her bed that she’d set last night.

Though the fact that she heard a loud beeping instead of a bell ringing should have been a dead give away.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Oh yeah… Deactivate alarm clock, thought Sweetie Belle.

There was a much softer beep as her internal alarm shut off. Letting out a sigh of relief, Sweetie Belle let her head fall back down on her pillow. It was clear that she probably shouldn’t have tried using her newly discovered alarm clock system to wake up in the morning.

Sweet Celestia, that was loud. Definitely going to have to change some settings before I try using that thing again, thought Sweetie Belle.

Resigned to the fact that there was no way she was going to be able to continue snoozing after waking up to that, Sweetie Belle got back up and rubbed what little sleep remain from her eyes.

“Another day. Might as well get up and face it,” Sweetie Belle mumbled.

She hopped out of bed and started stretching, the now familiar sound of creaking metal echoed in her ears, but she ignored it. Her manual had stated that the noise wasn’t because she was straining her body, but rather the nano-tech recalibrating as her body shifted.

Apparently, regular stretching helped her APP remain properly functional, though how in Equestria basic stretches affected this mysterious nano-tech was beyond her. Sweetie Belle once again cursed the fact that not even her manual would give her all the answers due to that stupid spoiler policy.

Still... it kept her from learning why Tartarus spawn were apparently common place in the future...

Morning everyone! Who wants pancakes? announced Butter.

Like every other morning, Scootaloo didn’t need an alarm clock. She had an older brother that seemed to be allergic to a reasonable sleep cycle.

Ugh… Butter! It’s six in the morning! cried Beetle.

How many times do we have to tell you to stop doing this! demanded Poppy.

Seriously! We have a test in first period today! Reminded Uno.

Eh, you were all going to fail it anyway, added Twitch.

Shut up, Twitch! yelled everyone else in the clutch.

With a long-suffering sigh, Scootaloo tuned out the hivemind and sat up.

Dang it, Butter. Now I’m in the mood for pancakes again, she grumbled.

Letting out a yawn, Scootaloo hopped out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. The familiar sight of an orange changeling with a purple mane looked back at her in the mirror.

“Another day, another case of bedmane,” she muttered.

Instead of reaching for a comb, she simply focused her changeling magic. There was small burst of green fire and, boom, her mane was perfect.

If by perfect you mean in desperate need of a haircut, I guess, commented Dove.

Scootaloo ignored her sister and turned her attention to her toothbrush. With practiced ease that probably would have surprised her friends, she levitated it up with her magic, put some toothpaste on it, and start brushing, while taking special care around her fangs. Pony toothbrushes were far too easy to tear apart with those things.

I really need to get around to getting a proper changeling-friendly toothbrush. Maybe I can swing by the hive this weekend, thought Scootaloo.

Oh? Is Scootaloo stopping by for a visit? I’ll have to prepare a little surprise for you then, said Twitch with a cackle.

Scootaloo quickly decided that the toothbrush could wait. She wasn’t going within two miles of the hive until Twitch got bored of waiting for her.

After her bath, Apple Bloom returned to her room to see the sun was now inching its way into the sky. Time to head out and get started on her morning chores.

But first, she grabbed her enchanted bow and tied it into her mane. A blink later, she was back to her normal, yellow self. True, she didn’t really need to wear the bow anymore, considering that everypony in town knew she was a ghoul now. But the enchantments helped her literally keep her head on straight, so she still put it on every day.

That, and she enjoyed not looking like something that crawled out of Tartarus. Looking at herself in the mirror, Apple Bloom was almost able to convince herself that she wasn’t an evil abomination that spat in the face of all that was wholesome in the world. Too bad the bow’s enchantment couldn’t do anything about her lack of a pulse, or the cold that seemed to grip her very bones...

With a sigh, Apple Bloom turned her gaze once more to the Everfree Forest. Like it or not, her fate was tied to that place. Somewhere out there was that cursed town, hidden behind veils of dark magic that would take almost a century to fade. And when that wretched place appeared again…

Apple Bloom shook her head.

“Alright, enough of bein’ miserable. It’s too early in the mornin’ to be thinkin’ ‘bout how mah curse is gonna affect me when Ah’m older. Ah ain’t lettin’ it bring me down now,” she declared with determination.

After banging her hoof on the windowsill to reaffirm her claim, she turned and headed out the door.

She had sworn to never let her curse define her. She wasn’t going to start slipping after so little time had passed since making that oath.

Besides, not all undead were evil. Her two “mentors,” at least, were proof of that.

Now done stretching, Sweetie Belle was ready for the second part of her morning routine.

Activate protocol: refresh_2, thought Sweetie Belle, taking care to think the underscore.

She’d hit the jackpot when she’d discovered that special little program in the manual.

A small shiver went through her body as the artificial fibers of her coat all bristled at once before cleaning themselves to perfection. Her mangled mane flared around for a moment, before snapping into her favorite curls. There was a quick sensation of water in her mouth, which she knew was her teeth being cleaned, and a few other small systems ran to finish the job.

And so, Sweetie Belle was clean, styled, and ready to face the day in a matter of seconds. Rarity had been soooooo jealous when Sweetie Belle had shown her this trick.

Sweetie Belle grabbed her saddlebags, peeked inside to make sure her manual was packed, then glanced at herself in the mirror. The little robot filly reflection looked back, ready to face the day.

Not for the first time, Sweetie Belle couldn’t help but wonder if this would be the day. Was she about to face whatever it was that time had be rewritten for? The reason she was even alive? Or was it still years away, and she was working herself up for nothing?

Sighing in acknowledgement that she wasn’t going to find answers in the mirror, Sweetie Belle turned and headed out the door.

The door to the kitchen, that is. Like every other gadget in her robot body, using the refresh system left her starving.

Once again, Scootaloo found herself wondering if she should go to school without a disguise. Everypony in town knew she was a changeling, after all. And yet, looking at the pegasus that now appeared in the mirror…

You’re just overthinking it, Scoots. It’s not like you can’t change your mind in the middle of the day or anything, commented Uno.

I dunno. After the whole Scooter thing, I think she might be traumatized. You OK, Scootaloo? Not afraid of getting asked on another date if you try disguising yourself in public or something? asked Dove.

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. She was about to make a sharp and witty retort, when she heard her mother’s voice cut through the mumbling of her siblings.

My little firefly, you shouldn’t be worrying about it so much right now. Didn’t you agree to not put too much thought into whether you wanted to be a pegasus or a changeling until you're older? asked Blue Monarch.

Scootaloo let out a sigh and shook her head.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I guess I’m still having trouble of letting go of the idea. I’m just too used to having to worry about my disguise every morning, Scootaloo admitted.

Well, we are officially public citizens. If there was ever a time to be letting go of old traditions, it’d be now, added Beetle.

Scootaloo nodded in agreement, despite being alone in her room. Beetle had a point.

But then Twitch decided to ruin the moment by singing at the top of his lungs.

Traditiooooon! Tradition! Traditiooooooooooooooooooooon! Tradition!

Scootaloo quickly tuned out the hivemind as completely as she could manage, and headed out the door.

Tradition!

In the name of the All-Mother, SHUT UP, TWITCH!

“Mornin’, girls!” called Apple Bloom as she caught up with her friends.

As always, the three of them meet up in the middle of town so they could make the rest of the trip to the schoolhouse together. With Apple Bloom’s arrival, the three turned and started trotting on their merry way.

“Good morning, Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie Belle with a yawn.

“Morning. I was just asking Sweetie Belle about that alarm thing we found yesterday,” said Scootaloo.

“Well, it stinks. You think waking up to a normal alarm bell’s loud ringing is annoying? Trying having it coming from some kind of high-tech future bell inside your head,” said Sweetie Belle with a growl.

“Ah well, not like ya have to use it or anythin’. At least we know it works,” said Apple Bloom with a shrug.

“Yeah. Plus, with a bell in your head, you can live up to your name,” said Scootaloo with a smirk.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“I’m just saying, Sweetie Bell,” said Scootaloo with a snicker.

It took the other two a moment to get it. They then replied with eye rolls.

“Wow, Scoots. That was such a clever pun. I bet you spent hours trying to come up with that one,” deadpanned Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo grinned, but said nothing.

With sighs, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle shook their heads, but accepted that Scootaloo was neither sorry, nor about to offer an apology. At least she was aware of the horrible sin she had just committed.

As so, with painful puns still lingering on their minds, the ghoul, robot, and changeling made their way to school, ready to face yet another ordinary day in their not so ordinary lives. Their futures were uncertain, but they were ready to face whatever came their way, one day at a time.

Meanwhile, in Manehattan...

Babs Seed was staring at her reflection again. She knew she wouldn’t find it, but she still couldn’t help but try and spot whatever it was that had been rewritten during her trip to the future. Did she always have freckles? Was her mane originally a different style? Were her eyes supposed to be bright yellow?

“Ya know, you’ve been doin’ that so often, it’s gettin’ harder and harder for me to think you’re secretly a vampire,” noted Babs’ mom.

Babs barely head back a groan, but didn’t bother turning to face her mother. She was utterly fed up with the joke at this point.

“Ah thought sis was the one who put money on vampire,” grumbled Babs.

“Yeah, that’s right. That’s why I let ya spend so much time doin’ it. That pot’s gonna be mine before too long,” continued her mom with a smirk.

“That’s just great, ma. Maybe then you and sis’ll stop pesterin’ me about it,” complained Babs.

“Now don’t you go givin’ me lip, filly. Ah didn’t raise no punk pony,” chided her mother.

Babs rolled her eyes, trying her hardest to ignore her mother’s almost mohawk-like mane, and resisting the urge to point out the blatant hypocrisy on display. Seriously, that hair style was hideous. Maybe she should just get out a pair of scissors and fix it one of these days...

“Alright, I’m sorry, ma,” said Babs.

“Good. Now get your flanks downstairs. Breakfast is ready,” said Babs’ mom.

Babs nodded as her mother turned and left her room. But before Babs followed after her, she asked herself a very important question:

When did her life get so weird?

…

Oh, who was she kidding? She knew the exact moment: the day she went on a week long visit to the single craziest town in the nation. Her fate was sealed the moment she stepped on that train.

With a sigh, Babs gave one last glance at the mirror, then turned and headed out the door.

At least, whatever had happened, she hadn’t turned into a snake...

Author's Note

I'm finally back! Let's get this ball rolling once again.

Just a heads up, I'm taking a different approach this time. I really don't have any plans for a big, overarching story, as I'm really just putting down extra ideas and scenarios I've had about this AU over the years. So, there's going to be a much heavier emphasis on the Slice of Life aspect of this Slice of Life Comedy.

That said, I do have some arcs planned. The list of ghoul classes, some attention to other parts of Equestria, maybe even a few chapter about ~~a possible 30 years later...~~

Ahem...

At any rate, here's hoping I can continue to deliver cute and fun unusual CMC misadventures.

Chapter 10: Big Book of Ghouls

One day, while the CMC were hanging out in the clubhouse, Sweetie Belle had a thought.

Not that this was unusual, of course. Sweetie Belle was the sort of pony who was inclined toward the action of thinking, but this was a rather unexpected thought. Unexpected, because quite frankly it should have come to mind ages ago.

“How many kinds of ghouls are there?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at her in confusion.

“I mean, we know Apple Bloom’s a class G, and that those ghouls trying to free the smooze were mostly class C’s, but there’s got to be more than that, right?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Well, yeah, but don’t you already know? You’re the bookworm here,” said Scootaloo.

“Well, sorry if I never felt the need to read books about dark magic before I learned Apple Bloom was a ghoul. And when I did, I could only get my hooves on a basic outline. Most books on dark magic are restricted, you know,” answered Sweetie Belle.

“Well, Ah can fix that. Ah still got a few books on ghouls in mah room, if you’re interested. Even got a copy of the Royal Dark Art Monster Manual, complete with a section on every class of ghoul there is,” said Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom’s friends stared at her.

“Uh… I’d be interested yes, but isn’t that the sort of book you’d need government approval to even look at, let alone own?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Ah’m a registered ghoul. Making sure ponies like me know how to keep our curses in check is one of the things the Dark Magic Department was made to do. And I’m allowed to share it with ponies Ah trust, as long as Ah watch to make sure ya don’t try and run off with it,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Oh. OK then, yeah. Let’s read about ghouls,” said Sweetie Belle.

Class A: Ashen Ghouls

A recently discovered class of ghouls born from cremated ashes, though the nature of their creation is still unknown. Recognized by their ash-like composition, they have the ability to reform this ash into anything they set their mind to. While still capable of magic, a class A’s curse is only really dangerous as a choking hazard.

Non-contagious, though more research is still needed to determine their creation process. No known cure.

Class B: Brain Ghouls

Also known as super-zombies, class B’s are animated corpses that have managed to regain, or simply retain, their thinking minds. Unfortunately, in order to keep their minds, they must constantly replenish their decaying brain cells. This constant struggle for self preservation often manifests itself as a deep, constant hunger for brains.

Only contagious if the ghoul makes direct contact with the brain. This spreads the rotting infection, even if the brain isn’t eaten. No known cure.

“Wait… didn’t you girls say ghouls don’t eat brains?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Well, most don’t. And class B’s are only technically ghouls because they’re too smart to be labeled zombies and in most cases still have their souls,” said Scootaloo with a shrug.

“So… you’re saying that they're just talking zombies?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yep,” said Apple Bloom with a nod.

“And to be fair, most zombies don’t actually do that whole ‘eat brains’ thing. They’re just moving dead bodies, so it’s not like they have appetites or anything. That idea comes entirely from class B’s,” said Scootaloo.

“Huh. Interesting,” noted Sweetie Belle.

Class C: Catalyst Ghouls

A particularly nasty curse, Class C’s are the result of dark magic rituals gone wrong. Their bodies are flooded with twisted magic, which tends to result in dark, malicious thoughts and desires. They are known for their incredible regenerative abilities, making it practically impossible to kill them.

Non-contagious, but capable of reproduction. No known cure.

“Yikes,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, Class C’s are nasty. Especially since ya’d need to try to cast a dark spell and mess it up to even become one,” said Apple Bloom.

“Wait… mess up a dark spell? Does that mean these ghouls were first created when they freed the changelings?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Nah. Class C’s were around long before they tried that. And trust me, not a single one of the ghouls behind the orignal summoning lived long enough to have any kids,” said Scootaloo.

Scootaloo’s friends looked at her in concern.

“Look, they were scumbags trying to end the world. We were starving, half-crazy, and more than a little confused at the time. We didn’t mean to wipe them out after we were summoned, but we don’t regret it. And you shouldn’t feel bad about what happened to them, either,” said Scootaloo.

Class D: Drunken Ghouls

A somewhat comedic class of ghoul, class D’s are created upon dying from exposure to an alcoholic drink that is literally strong enough to wake the dead. Originally considered a form of zombie, they were relabeled ghouls once it was discovered that these ghouls almost always maintain their souls, and a very, very small amount of intelligence.

Somewhat contagious, can be spread from bites or similar exposure. Easily cured.

Class E: Epic Ghoul

These ghouls are known for their excessively flashy forms, as their dark magic is much greater than their bodies can contain. Burning eyes, glowing coats, manes that appear to be made of pure evil, all of these are common among class E’s. Of course, this does not mean all class E’s are evil, though the vast majority of them are.

Non-contagious. No known cure, but the dark magic involved can be forcefully removed in certain circumstances.

Class F: Frankenstein Ghouls

Named after the popular fiction novel, this class of ghoul refers to any form of undead that consists of multiple body parts from different lifeforms (not to be mistaken for chimeras, or similar hybrid species). Given how difficult it is to recreate the circumstances and magic involved in the few known instances of these ghouls, they are exceptionally rare.

Non-contagious. No possible cure.

Class G: Grudge Ghouls

Class G’s are the result of overwhelming hatred forcing a dead spirit to remain within it’s corpse. This hate manifests itself further by making the ghouls’ bodies appear to be burnt, even if the ghoul in question never felt that hatred themselves. This hate is also known to grant unusual abilities based on the ghoul’s tribe. They often gather in large groups, tied to other-worldly constructs that only manifest in the world in short intervals.

Highly contagious. The slightest contact is enough to spread their hate-fueled curse. No known cure.

Sweetie Belle looked at Apple Bloom in confusion.

“So… your curse is based on hatred?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Well, yeah. Ya remember the story of how Ah got cursed in the first place? That town was full of ponies who hated cutie marks so much that they murdered a filly who got one,” answered Apple Bloom.

“I dunno. I get the feeling that an angry mob might not be enough hate to raise the dead. You said the filly herself wasn’t part of the horde, right? Wouldn’t she be the source of all that hatred?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom scratched the back of her neck.

“Well… Ah guess? Ah mean, Ah know she was the one who led me to Sunnytown in the first place, but Ah don’t think she was responsible for it. There was that one ghoul who kept sayin’ it was some kind of punishment, but… Ah dunno,” said Apple Bloom.

“Well, we probably won’t get any answers until that darn village shows up again, so no point in debating it,” said Scootaloo with a shrug.

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s move on,” said Sweetie Belle.

Class H: Healthy Ghouls

Class H’s are perhaps the single most fortunate class of ghoul there is. Their defining feature is that they have no apparent rot or dark magic involved. And yet, they definitely died, so they are technically a form of undead. There are many known causes of class H ghouls, though the most common is with the use of Phoenix Down.

Non-contagious. Unable to determine if curable due to lack of symptoms to cure.

Class I: Ironic Ghouls

Class I’s are the result of a spell created in an attempt to acquire immortality. Somehow, the ponies involved managed to give themselves every aspect of undeath, except for the longevity. They can shrug off decapitations, dismemberment, and anything else that would normally kill a pony, but once they reach the end of their mortal life spans the dark magic just leaves them. We’re still not sure why.

Somewhat contagious, can be spread through blood. Curable, though the process is rather complex.

Class L...

Sweetie Belle looked up from the book in confusion.

“Uh… why is there no class J or K?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Because there aren’t twenty six kinds of ghouls. The class system isn’t built around ‘which came first’ or ‘which is most powerful.’ It’s based on which letter of the alphabet matches the class’s nickname,” answered Scootaloo.

The room was silent for a moment as Sweetie Belle struggled with what she’d just heard.

“Seriously? That’s kind of dumb. Why the hay would that be the official classification system?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“No pony outside the Dark Magic Department knows. Word has it that one of the heads of the Department at the time was a vampire obsessed with numbers, and a roundabout method was needed to get him to do his job and not count the classes for hours on end, but I always thought that was even dumber that the alphabet sorting itself,” answered Scootaloo with a shrug.

“Now that ya mention it, Kamikazi brought it up in a letter once. She’s not entirely sure either, but she heard a rumor it was somethin’ about a vampire in a red suit who drove the entire Department crazy, so they just went with the alphabet thing to get him to shut up and go away,” added Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle blinked, lost for words. Not just from the ridiculousness of what she’d heard, but because apparently vampires were real. She really hoped they weren’t the sparkling kind.

“Look, the point is that the ghoul class system is weird, has a lot of holes in it, and nopony really knows why. And because even the ghouls themselves use the system, nopony feels like bothering to change it,” said Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle let out a sigh, but accepted that there was no helping it.

Class L: Lung Ghoul

These ghouls are the result of the preserving dark magic being concentrated around the ghoul’s organs. While this form of spell craft grants class L’s the greatest resilience of all undead short of liches, the magic in their lungs causes their voices to be reduced to loud, scathing screeches. And not the magic-infused kind of screeches either.

Fairly Contagious, due to the nature of the dark magic. No known cure.

Class M: Mummies

A rather iconic form of ghoul, class M’s are, naturally, the result of dark magic infusing the bodies of dead lords and pharaohs who have been mummified. Why such beings felt the need to remain bound to the mortal plain to terrorize anyone who enters their tombs is unclear, but no one can debate that they are effective deterrents.

Highly Contagious, as class M’s tend to ensnare their victims. The original class M’s have no known cure, but “secondary” class M’s can be easily cured.

Class P: Puke Ghouls

Created from a rather unfortunate failed attempt to cure a plague, Class P’s get their name from the effects of combing dark magic and viral infection: their bodies produce bile at ludicrous amounts, rapidly outpacing the stomach’s ability to contain it. This results in horrible deformations and… well, you can probably guess what else from the name.

Highly contagious, as the condition is spread through viral infection. Curable, though the recovery process is rather lengthy and disgusting.

Class Q: Discord

Discord, the spirit of chaos. We’re not entirely sure why he wanted to be labeled as a class of ghoul (let alone any form of undead), or how he even made the request when he was imprisoned in stone, but we decided it wasn’t worth risking him messing with our coffee supply to deny him. And it’s not like we have any actual class Q ghouls to consider at this time.

Non-contagious, unless he feels like it (though we pray he never does). Unfortunately, there is no cure.

Class R: Rotten Ghouls

Class R’s are ghouls who have poor or non-existent means of magically preserving their bodies, causing their flesh to rot much more thoroughly than any other class. Aside for their ghastly appearance, it’s their distinctively awful smell that gives these ghouls their name.

Non-contagious, though they tend to carry other diseases with them. No known cure.

Class S: Sparkling Vampire...

“Wait, what?! Tell me this class is some kind of joke!” cried Sweetie Belle.

“Sorry, Sweetie Belle. Sparkling vampires actually existed,” said Scootaloo with a sad smile.

Sweetie Belle let out a groan of utmost despair, but then she realized what Scootaloo just said.

“Wait, ‘existed’? As in they don’t exist anymore?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Just keep reading Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo.

Class S: Sparkling Vampire

A now extinct form of ghoul infamous for their skin sparkling in sunlight. Originally considered an alternate form of vampirism, major differences between this class and other vampires led to the relabeling. One such difference being that these ghouls were hunted to extinction over a millennium ago.

Extinct, so no risk of contagion. No cure was ever discovered before their demise.

“OK. Whew. That’s such a relief to know,” said Sweetie Belle.

“That was mah reaction when Ah read that part too. Though Ah did wonder why they were wiped out in the first place,” said Apple Bloom.

“Who cares? They don’t exist anymore, and that’s a good thing,” said Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo let out a chuckle, but didn’t say anything else. The changelings knew why they were gone, but that was a bit of a national secret.

“THOU DARE LAY HOOF UPON MINE ROYAL POSTERIOR?! THY LIFE AND THAT OF THY KIN ARE FORFEIT!”

Class T: Traditional Ghoul

Class T’s are what often come to mind when one thinks of ghouls: half-rotten bodies with souls stubbornly clinging to life with dark magic. While the nature and reason for these ghouls can vary, class T’s all have two defining features: they are, in fact, ghouls, and they have nothing else that stands them apart from the other classes.

Contagion and curability may vary.

Class V: Vampires

Traditional vampires, though now few in number, do exist. All two of them. Both are under very tight scrutiny, and will not be a problem. If that ever ceases to be the case, then Princess Celestia will give them a friendly reminder that it’s unwise to get on the bad side of someone who can move the big ball of vampire-burning through the sky.

Non-contagious, if they know what’s good for them. No known cure.

Sweetie Belle looked at her friends with a raised eyebrow.

“Suddenly, I find it very easy to believe there was a vampire involved in making this system. This part seems a little personal,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Well, yeah. Apparently there was this civil war among the vampires, and then Celestia got involved…” started Apple Bloom.

“And long story short, there are only two left. One lives in Canterlot as part of the Dark Magic Department, and the other lives in some castle in the middle of nowhere,” said Scootaloo.

“Huh. That’s interesting, though also kind of worrying,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Ah actually met the vampire in Canterlot once, when Ah was gettin’ registered. He’s… well, not really friendly, but he ain’t a bad pony. Funny enough, he insists he wasn’t involved in creation of the class system, even though there are only two vampires that could have done it,” said Apple Bloom.

“And the other one?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Hay if Ah know,” said Apple Bloom with a shrug.

Class W: Water Ghouls

A rather tragic class of ghoul, class W’s are the result of mortals drowning in cursed waters along with their sinking ships, causing their souls to be permanently bound to their vessels, sailing the seas long after death. While terrifying to behold, not all water ghouls are evil. Some are even still active members of the royal navy.

Non-contagious. Curable, though the method of freeing the trapped souls tends to vary from cursed ship to cursed ship.

Class X: X-ray Ghouls

Also known as thinking bones, class X’s are just animated skeletons that have souls, as the dark magic keeping them alive isn’t strong enough to keep their bodies from rotting away entirely. They are often mistaken for skeleton class zombies, as the presence of a soul is the only distinction between the two.

Non-contagious. No known cure.

Class Y: Yawning Ghouls

The most unthreatening ghoul class, yawning ghouls get their name from the fact that they’re always sleeping. They are created from the souls of those who die from a lifetime of overwork making them too exhausted after death to finish the journey to the afterlife, or those who were too lazy to even bother making it in the first place. They have no special abilities, no regeneration, and are effectively completely harmless.

Non-contagious, but also incurable. If they ever wake up, their souls are finally released from their bodies, so encouraging them to get up and move on is recommended.

“And no class Z,” said Sweetie Belle as she closed the book.

“Well, not yet. Part of the reason there’s so many blanks is in case new kinds of ghouls end up discovered some day. I mean, class A’s were only discovered about thirty years ago or something,” said Scootaloo.

“Wait, really? Ah thought that Sombra guy was a class A or maybe class E,” said Apple Bloom.

“Sombra was many awful things, but he wasn’t a ghoul. Trust me, we had a few changelings look into it after he was defeated,” said Scootaloo.

“Was he a lich then, or something just as bad?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“I don’t think so. I think he was just a unicorn with a lot of dark magic, a mad desire for power, and a horrible fashion sense. Seriously, those suits of armor he was making for his army were bucking ugly,” answered Scootaloo with a shrug.

The shattered remains of Sombra felt a sudden urge to squish bugs.

Author's Note

I think I had a little too much fun with one. Yes, most of these are simple one-note jokes and/or references. Yes, I threw in a shameless self-promotion. Yes, I deliberately left some holes in case I come up with something more creative later. And yes, most of these will never be mentioned again.

Most of them...

Chapter 13: Waiting Room Puzzle (Piece)

Dear [Miss Apple Bloom],

This letter is a reminder that your dark magic evaluation is scheduled for [the following Saturday]. While your status as [a contained class G ghoul] entitles you to many liberties, you are still legally required to appear for annual evaluations on your current status, and to ensure your preventative measures are still functioning at full capacity.

Please report to the Canterlot Dark Magic Oversite building at 666 Dark Delve Drive, Canterlot at the agreed date. Be certain to bring all relevant paperwork with you. While your registered parole officer, [Applejack], is not required to join you, it is highly encouraged that they do so, as it will help ensure a smooth and timely evaluation.

Be aware that failing to report for your evaluation could result in fines or possible criminal charges.

We thank you for your cooperation in continuing to help prevent the forces of darkness from overrunning Equestria.

This was not Apple Bloom’s first visit to the Dark Magic Oversite building. She’d paid the place a visit shortly after she was cursed. Becoming undead yet remaining a functional member of society meant there was a lot of paperwork that needed to be filled out. And in hindsight, it hadn’t been all bad, even if the dark magic professionals were kind of creepy looking.

Seriously, why in Equestria were dark hooded cloaks and masks part of the official uniform?

But last time around, there was a bit of urgency as the DMO wanted to make sure she wasn’t an active threat. Now that she was only here for a routine check up, she had to wait in line for her turn. And the DMO’s waiting room left a lot to be desired.

“And Ah thought trips to the dentist were bad. At least Colgate’s got magazines and pretty pictures,” grumbled Apple Bloom.

“Ah’d tell ya to zip it, but Ah have to agree. This place gives me the hebe jebes,” Applejack whispered back with a shiver.

The building was actually located in a cave, hidden out of sight from the common pony. As a result, the waiting room was pitch black aside from a few lanterns hung around the place. With the musky air and stone walls, it almost gave one the impression they were in a dungeon of some kind.

But even worse were the other ponies in the waiting room. If they could even be considered ponies. It was quite apparent that the DMO dealt with a lot more than just ghouls.

There was a shady looking mare with a skeleton kitten curled on the seat next to her, purring away. There was a strange tall pony, almost as large as a giraffe, wearing a horned mask that sent shivers down the spine of anypony who looked at it. A stallion with half his face rotten away, a griffon with glowing red eyes, and countless others that gave off bad vibes.

“Overlord Venom?” called the receptionist.

A stallion under a dark cloak got out of his seat and made his way to the door, a long trail of shadows flowing behind him. He positively radiated dark magic, and left vicious looking hoofprints in his wake. Apple Bloom held back a shiver. No reason to panic. If these... beings were here, that meant they were working with the government and weren’t completely evil. Right?

“Ah should have brought a book or something. Ah could really use a distraction right now,” said Apple Bloom.

“Same here,” admitted Applejack.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang as the front door was violently kicked open.

“‘Sup *****es?! The mare with the flare is here to take names!” called a familiar voice.

As two familiar ponies made their way into the room, the various beings present gave groans, grumbles, or similar sounds of disapproval, while Applejack facehooved and Apple Bloom just smiled.

“Ah take it back, Ah would have preferred the uneasy atmosphere,” grumbled Applejack.

“That’s right, Kamikazi’s in the house! Now who here wants to get their flank kicked?” called Kamikazi.

“I believe the answer is no one, Kazi. No one in the waiting room has been willing to fight you for years now,” said Bear Bone.

“You never know. Might be a newcomer with a talking sword or two looking for a smash,” said Kamikazi with a smirk.

“That was an oddly specific example,” noted Bear Bone.

“Whatever. Any takers?” asked Kamikazi.

The room was, unsurprisingly, silent.

“Shame. Oh hey! It’s the apple filly! Mind signing both of us in while I say hi, big guy?” asked Kamikazi.

“Sure thing. I’ll join you in a moment,” said Bear Bone.

Kamikazi was already making her way to the Apple sisters with a smirk on her face. Applejack pulled her hat down over her eyes. She didn’t want to deal with this today.

“How’s it going, fruit ladies? What are you doing in this dump?” asked Kazi.

“We’re doin’ fine, Kamikazi. Just gettin’ mah annual check up,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Ah, that pain in the flank, huh? At least it’s actually annual for you. Me and Bear boy? We also gotta report for additional check ups on a quarterly basis. Heck, it used to be every month until the… Well, there were quite a few incidents that may or may not have led the ponies in charge wanting us here as little as they could legally get away with,” said Kazi with a chuckle.

“Ah can’t imagine why,” grumple Applejack.

“Aw, still not a fan of my talents, cowpony? I’ll have you know the bonehead was responsible for at least two of them: a misunderstanding with an oversized reptile, and a beehive that may or may not have been possessed. Come to think of it, we never did get an explanation for that one,” said Kazi with a shrug.

“Sounds mighty interestin'. Oh! Would ya mind sharin’ some stories with us? We’ve been stuck here for an hour already, and Ah have no idea how long the line is,” asked Apple Bloom.

Applejack looked like she was about to object, but Kazi gave her a surprisingly sincere looking smile that gave Applejack pause.

“Eh, why not? There’s a distinct lack of fights to be picked today, and I’m always looking for ways to stave off boredom. Did you know I once put together a puppet show in this place out of desperation?” asked Kazi.

Kazi reached into her saddlebags and pulled a few red and golden feathers. To Apple Bloom and Applejack’s surprise, the feathers had googly eyes glued onto them.

“Sadly, the Featherheads weren’t super popular. I blame these cronies’ lack of humor. But I kept a few props as mementos, if only because I like sticking them in my wings and freaking ponies out when they notice the eyes,” said Kazi with a chuckle.

“Ah knew there had to be something unpleasant about those things…” grumbled Applejack.

You probably don’t know much about the world outside Equestra, right? Well, if you go far out enough, you can find some really wild places. Ancient temples in deep jungles, floating islands made of stone instead of clouds, or even abandoned factories that somehow still have working security systems. Always hated those shock thingies…

Anyway, one time, me and Bonehead found this giant abandoned mine way out in the wilderness of gryphon territory. We’re talking “big enough to fit a city inside” big here. It must have been a natural cavern or something, because there was no way a bunch of catbirds with pickaxes could have dug that thing out.

So there we were, picking around the remains of the mining operation, hoping to find something valuable. Found a few tiny gold nuggets lying around, pocketed a diary or two to pass on to nerds who love that stuff, had a bit of a scare with some leftover dynamite, but nothing really spectacular happened until we found an abandoned train yard.

Now, Bear Bone, egghead that he is, estimated that the mine was roughly a hundred years old. There was only one train and it was an insanely old model. It was rusty and lying on its side, and it was apparent that whatever they were planning to do with it never came through, as there was only one track and it wasn’t completely dug out.

So, being thorough adventurers, and having a bear of an earth pony on hoof, we decided to right the train and see if there was anything interesting inside it. And wouldn’t you know it, flipping it back up opened up the furnace, and caused the golem inside it to wake up.

I know, right? What kind of moron would use a golem as a fuel source, even if it was made of coal? They tend to start screaming when you set them on fire, smash their way out of the furnace, and go on a storming rampage. I would know, because that’s exactly what this one did.

But the funny thing is, coal isn’t exactly a super tough material. Sure, the golem was a big hulking pile of rock, but the darn thing went down in like, four seconds. Two of them were just the gap between me throwing my bombs and them hitting the thing.

But that’s not the crazy part. No, the crazy part is that after we blew it up and there was nothing left but a small lump, it actually got fairly polite and started talking to us! I mean, golems are increadibly stupid and brutish, but this one actually had something approaching manners! Even offered us a ride in his train for letting him out of it. A ride straight into a collapsed tunnel, but the fact that he offered it is pretty nuts.

“To be fair, golem constructing is a fairly fickle form of magic. It can be rather difficult to get consistent results,” finished Bear Bone, joining the three of them.

“Yeah, but I can count the number of golems I've even heard of that you can have an actual conversation with on one hoof,” said Kazi with an eyeroll.

“Exactly. Anyway, hello again, Miss Applejack. This place isn’t too unnerving for you, is it?” asked Bear Bone.

“Ah’d be lyin’ if Ah said Ah was comfortable, but Ah’ve also been through worse. Ah’ll get by,” said Applejack.

“I know what you mean. We’ve been through more than our fair share of unpleasant events. The adventurer’s life isn’t all treasure and exploration,” said Bear Bone with a shake of his head.

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I still feel unclean from that trip down into the sewers. I mean, there were flesh-eating eels down there! Why the buck were there eels down the toilet?!” complained Kamikazi.

Despite her overwhelming curiosity, Apple Bloom figured that the two of them really didn’t want to elaborate on that one.

“Still, that wasn’t our only run in with eels,” said Bear Bone.

“Yeah, they just kept popping up. At that flooded garbage heap, the rusty shipyard…” recounted Kamikazi.

“Oh! That one might make for an interesting story,” said Bear Bone.

Abandoned shipyards are as dangerous as they are fascinating. You can find all kinds of neat things lying around, but all that rust, oil, and twisted metal can be hazardous if you’re not careful, even if they're not littered with giant eels and leftover powder kegs waiting to explode.

This particular shipyard was located in a small bay in western Equestria, about an hour's walk from the coast. We never managed to get the full story, but apparently it was privately owned by some wealthy Cantorlot noble who’d been trying to build their own ship for bragging rights, but never bothered finishing it. Kazi decided to name it the S.S. Rusty Bucket.

This particular ship was a mess. Half-sunk, and leaking oil to the point that the entire bay had been reduced to a ugly, multicolored mess. We sent a letter to the authorities after we were done there. That mess needed to be cleaned up, and it needed it badly. But we hadn’t come all that way to turn back just because things were a little dirty.

But the worst part was definitely the engine room. When we went down there to try and turn a few essential systems back on, we found the sludge pooling at the bottom was so toxic it probably would have killed us if we weren’t undead. And once the machinery was moving again, it was far too easy to fall into it.

And even once we managed to get out of there, the oily water outside was only slightly better. It was thick, hard to swim through, and had this horrible stench that made it feel like you couldn’t breath even with your head above the surface. I dearly wish we hadn’t needed to dive into the muck, but it was the only way to reach certain parts of the ship due to the damage. It took us weeks to clean that stuff out of our coats.

There were a few other, lesser threats, such as a crane cage that nearly trapped us, or a misplaced life preserver that nearly broke one of Kazi’s wings, but eventually everything came together. We managed to reach the cargo hold, and our long, disgusting search neated us several large crates full of preserved spices and other trade goods. Legal spices, of course. We’re undead adventures, not criminals.

“It took some doing to get it all back to civilization, but we earned a lot of bits for our efforts,” finished Bear Bone.

“Though we did keep some for ourselves. Let me tell ya, that was some of the best Mac and Cheese I’ve ever tasted,” said Kamikazi with a reminiciant smile.

“It also caused you to breathe fire, if I recall,” said Bear Bone.

“Exactly. The best,” said Kazi with a smile.

“Woah. That must have been some mighty strong spice,” said Apple Bloom with a bit of awe in her voice.

Applejack gave a grunt of agreement, silently praying to Celestia that Apple Bloom didn’t get any ideas. There was enough destruction in the filly’s wake without having to add fire to the mix.

“Oh, it was. In fact, bringing it up is giving me a craving for it again. Think we can stop and buy some on the way home, big guy?” asked Kazi.

“It’d be a bit of a detour, considering they don’t sell it in Canterlot. And besides, there are other, cheaper, ways to breathe fire, Kazi,” reminded Bear Bone.

“Really?” asked Apple Bloom with stars in her eyes.

“Apple Bloom…” warned Applejack with a glare.

“Oh, relax Mama Fruit. I’m not about to tell the filly how to do it. But yeah, there are other ways. Though the least harmful way is to just turn into a species that can do it naturally,” said Kamikazi.

“Like that time you turned into a dragon?” asked Bear Bone.

“Exactly,” said Kazi with a smirk.

Now, shape shifting magic is one of the hardest forms of magic there is. Especially when you’re trying to use it on undead. Thankfully, me and the Bonehead know a buffalo. And a zebra, but after the washer incident, we figured we'd leave this particular brand of magic to someone else.

Anyway, we were gearing up to explore an active volcano close to the Dragonlands, so we figured we’d want to be a little less flammable when we got there. Our buffalo gal decided that the obvious solution was to send us on a fetch quest for some super rare magical creature to harness its power.

To make a long, boring detour short, we had to open a vault in an ice cavern, hidden at the end of a long flooded tunnel, using a giant key we found in a canyon at the edge of a town full of cowardly kickball players. Don’t ask. Those pointy faced weirdos are a story of their own, and it’d take hours to cover that mess.

Anyway, we got the weird pink thing she needed, she whipped up a pool of weird pink goo, and gave us a couple of weird pink potions to drink when we were ready to turn back. Now, Bonehead is usually the one to dive into these things, he hasn’t got feathers to clean when he turns back, but I figured I’d give this one a shot. A bee or a walrus? No thanks, but I’ll gladly let myself be turned into a fire breathing beast any day.

And let me tell you, when I came out of that pool and felt the fire in my gut, I was seriously tempted to burn that buffalo’s house down. Can you even imagine how powerful I felt? I wasn’t even that big a dragon! Barely the size of a teenager, but it was like the world was my b… uh… oyster. Sorry, didn’t mean to almost swear in front of the kid.

And those scales! I mean, I’ve never been one to give a buck about my looks, but that lovely shade of green was just… wow. I actually tried my hoof with some coat dye to see if I could pull it off with my feathers, and sure enough I came out smoking hot. Shame the dye irritates the holes in my flesh. Might have been willing to use it more often if it didn’t sting so much.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So, the volcano. What might have been a death sentence to a pegasus was just a nice hot bath to a dragon. It was worth all the trouble to get that spell, let me tell you. Especially considering that some of the ruins we were exploring were a little flooded with lava. Never would have made it to the end without that dragon form.

And as we were making our way down to the base of…

“Apple Bloom!” called the receptionist.

The young filly gave a jump as she realized her name had been called.

“Dang it. I was just getting to the good part about that weird dragon with the long neck. Ah well, we’ll have to finish this story another day. Catch ya later, apple girls,” said Kazi with a smirk.

“Thank Celestia,” mumbled Applejack.

“Right. Thanks for the stories. See y’all later,” said Apple Bloom as she got out of her seat.

Bear Bone and Kamikazi waved goodbye as the two farmers headed through the door.

“Well, that was a pleasant surprise, wouldn’t you say?” asked Bear Bone.

“Yep. Did you see the look on the cowpony’s face? Priceless! I almost feel bad about constantly messing with her. Almost,” said Kazi with a smirk.

Author's Note

Curse you, nostalgia! This was supposed to be a chance to expand this AU's dark side, not an endless stream of blatant references! Half the people reading this probably won't even recognize the joke!

Sigh... guess that trip into the dark magic will have to wait for another day.