Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria

by Theboxcatgamr

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Death, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dungeons and Dragons, Comedy, Sex, Gilda, Profanity, Random, Adventure, Discord
Length: 36273

So I created a DND character... he was the best thing ever (Displaced inquire within!)

After repeatedly stabbing a false king in the chest, somehow pulling out a scythe out of the fake kings chest like a magician with a hat and a rabbit and creating a bar that sells SNAKE BEER (beer made and brewed inside of a animated glass snake. Usually Popular with prankster gods) Dagmire fell down many staircases alongside his small basilisk friend and through the front door/window of his bar he somehow ends up smack dab in the middle of enter-for-death-forest. Now In Equestria he feels a strong pull to a strange castle in the distance. Maybe now he can finally find the one who cursed him with chaos in the first place...

Or he might play ragtime music in a massive fight. ITS CHAOS BABY NOTHING IS SAFE

(Note: If anyone is intrigued and wants to slap a displaced in my story for a few chapters just contact me and I’m sure we can work something out.)

Published 2019-01-20 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-24 07:01:58 UTC

Good chaos: the spice of life

Author's Note

If the key to the universe is life...

Than exactly what the hell could be in the locked box it belongs to?

-Dagmire the discorded

Good chaos: the spice of life

10 years after stopping the apocalypse

“Oh that was great! I usually don’t say this but thanks dagmire. That was fine ale!”

Dagmire smiled underneath his mask and nodded his head in acknowledgment and appreciation. Dagmire walked up to the entrance window and flipped the sign over to its other side now displaying to the multiverses: “GON ADVENTERIN”

Dagmire laughs a bit at his choice of words on the sign and how lucky he was to be gaining more control over his curse. Now he was suddenly a much more valuable party member thanks to his ability to finally avoid spontaneously doing something silly in dire circumstances. Of course sometimes his curse turned into a blessing and he was able to do astounding things when under control. It is how he built his bar and found his best friend clearance in a lake. Chaos had given and taken many things from Dagmire. To this day he is still proud of the jesters attire he always wears.

A tapping noise began ringing through the bar signaling that clearance had finished cleaning the glass snakes and they were finally ready to brew some more drinks. The prankster god tipped his hat before smashing through a side window and disappearing into the multiverse. The window quickly repaired itself with magic and Dagmire sighed in annoyance.

“Why can’t he ever leave through the front window? I knew the fire escape was a bad idea.”

The glass snake the prankster was drinking from slitherd over to Dagmire with five pieces of gold inside of its transparent body before literally coughing up the cash. Dagmire collected the gold and was about to scratch the glass snakes chin before he remembered that it wasn’t a real snake. Dagmire paused then remembered the one traveler who brought something called a “roomba” the strange device had a knife crudely attached to the top. The traveler called it Sargent stabby before hugging the strange contraption and ordering a snake beer, he also asked if clearance’s name was supposed to be Clarance. Dagmire told the customer it isn’t and asked what a “Clarance” was. Dagmire continued his original plan of scratchys and afterwards the snake returned to the cellar for later cleaning.

Dagmire began hyping himself up for what would need to happen for him to make it up the stairs and on the balcony. Dagmire let out a battle cry and charged up the stairs dodging spears arrows and chickens as he progressed. Eventually he made it to the snake pit where the glass snakes are stored and he lept over it without hesitating. Eventually even chaos became routine for Dagmire as he soared over the pit of glass, a few snakes peaked their heads in curiosity although most remaind indifferent due to this constantly occurring every day. Eventually Dagmire made it to the top of the stairs and congratulated himself on a successful climb.

“Ok clearance I made it to the top!”

Clearance snickered and pointed his finger at the large trail of black sand that lead up the stairs and into the snake pit. Dagmire looked at his pocket only to find out that it was inside out and leaking a flow of sand

“Damm it. Panikos must have flipped it on his way out.”

Dagmire sighed grabbed a broom and prepared to try and clean up the mess. When suddenly his eyes flashed as they usually did when chaos happened and the sand was now many rainbow sprinkles littered throughout the bar. Dagmire and clearance’s eyes flashed with recognition and with a speed the god of thunder was jealous of, they collected as many of the rare objects as they could and laughed at their good fortune.

“Clearance! Let’s set up the forge!”

Clearance gave a thumbs up and as the slapped on his magic negating glasses before leaping through the front window to find the baker. Dagmire deciding to skip the stairs took off his magic boots and threw them up the stairs before using his now light body to leap up the stairs. When he was cursed many things had changed about Dagmire such as his hight shooting up a few feat and his body weight becoming almost non-existent.

He was glad that the castle he was being held captive in had a wizard who willingly enchanted his boots to bring him back to his old weight when worn. Dagmire usually didn’t jump up stairs like this without getting some form of injury so naturally he tended to avoid doing so.

This was a special occasion

Dagmire hit the wall and doing a strange tactical air swim he made it to his boots and put them on before quickly grabbing a muffin tray in a space under the floorboards. Clearance entered through the upstairs window holding a bag of icing and other ingredients. The duo sprinted out of the previous window and quickly took the one on the first story as their reentrance place to avoid the dreaded stairs, they went into a side room and slammed the ingredients on a table as they began filling the trays with the goods when suddenly the window broke...again

“Greetings. Are you still open?” The stranger asked from downstairs.

“Actually we are not. Sorry.” Dagmire said

“Oh...wait what’s that...”

The cloaked stranger suddenly appeared beside Dagmire and Clearance and pointed an accusatory finger towards Clearance

“BEGONE FROM THIS PLACE FOUL BEING!”

The stranger took out a hidden sword and took a swing at Clearance before being blocked by Dagmire’s scythe.

“Calm down. He’s friendly...also what kind of paladin would visit a bar run on chaos?”

The now uncloaked paladin seemed to inspect Dagmire thoroughly until his eyes laid on his mask.

“...I knew I felt something evil coming from here.”

“what?”

“All magical items within the city are banned under all circumstances.”

“The hell? This bar isn’t in a-“

“THEN WHY DID I APPEAR HERE AFTER JUMPING THROUGH THAT WINDOW?!”

Chaos, that’s why

“You’ll be going away for a long time heathen”

“And you’re going down that staircase for a long time”

“Wha-“

The paladin was interrupted by something wrapped around his leg pulling harshly yanking him down the staircase, as he fell for a very long time, Dagmire gave Clearance a high five and they began making their way towards the escape window (because I believe every house needs an escape window!) and unfortunately for the duo Dagmire’s eyes flashed again and instead of exiting the window of a bar he exited a banner of some sort of sun and hit the ground hard. Dagmire got up before being thrown down to the ground again by a flailing basilisk.

Today was not a good day to be Dagmire

Castle Crashing: power, wisdom, courage, DAGMIRE

Dagmire and Clearance were laying on the banner in a somewhat humorous fashion when suddenly Clearance did something unnatural.

“OW FUCK THAT HURT! WHO SAID THAT?!”

“By the gods you can speak!”

“What?”

Normally Clearance’s vocal cords were physically unable to provide the necessary sounds to speak English.

“God DAMM that sounds smooth as hell”

“Hehehehahaha! That sounds amazing!”

Suddenly a shadow looking thing passed by Dagmire and hit Clearance in the face

”you will do nicely”

“Clearance you ok? A shadow zipp-zoomed into your head and-“

Dagmire was silenced by Clearance taking off his magic glasses and turning Dagmire to stone. Before dropping them

”perfect. You will do nicely my pet...”

-twenty minutes later...

“Ah don’t like the look of all these statues girls” applejack admittedly said

“We need to go through here though if we want to stop nightmare!” Twilight stated

“Ah know... ah just wish that they weren’t so...creepy”

“Oh cool sunglasses!” Rainbow exclaimed while picking them up

“Wait don’t touch that! It could be a trap!”

Twilight’s warning caused rainbow to quickly toss the glasses over her shoulder...

And onto a very strange statue. The girls stepped back and prepared themselves as the glasses began shattering the stone encasing the creature. It’s legs were long and covered in a layer of some type of light clothing leading up to a multi coloured garb with a flowing thin cape emerging from the back. Under the legs were some strange metallic thing that the legs were resting on.

The creature wore a strange mask that had two halfs to it: a black left side and a white right side. Each side had a smile painted on in the color opposite to the sides they were painted on. The edge of both sides of the smile were cracked and the paint there was more scarce. The eye holes of the mask were simple large vertical cracks that exposed the eyes...but somehow concealed the face.

The creature held a strange staff with a blade jutting out of the top in a strange fashion while the underside of the object was leaking a strange black sprinkle every now and then and hidden under the cape was a blue shiny device that looked like a box full of glimmering blue strings and a crank on the other side giving it the look of a strange music box. The creature’s short brown mane seemed to hide all other features of the creatures head.

And then when it was finally free from the stone it’s very presence unnerved the group as it picked up the glasses before doing something the mane 6 weren’t expecting

“Huh? The fuck?”

It talked. The mane six huddled together to form a plan and after a few moments of trying to figure out a plan suddenly they noticed that pinky was missing and music was coming from the creture.

They turned around and found pinky sitting down in front of the creature listening to the music.

Twilight was baffled as the sounds of a violin emitted from the box and played a soft melody. After a few moments the rhythm stopped and the creature talked again.

“Ok I’m sorry I gotta go. A shadow looking thing bloody zipp-zoomed into my friend’s head and possessed him so now I gotta go figure that out before he turns everything to stone”

Confused twilight asked a question

“Stone? How would he do that? Use a basilisk?”

“...well...no. He is a basilisk”

“Right...so we gotta go stop nightmare moon. The town is over there-“

“Nope I’m not leaving until I find clearance.”

“Sigh...fine you can come with us.”

Suddenly rainbow butted in

“But if you try anything-“

“Then my ass is grass I get it jeez”

Rarity fake fainted onto a trauma couch at the language while rainbow held an annoyed expression. She had a feeling this was going to be a long night.

“Ok so we need to head towards that big castle looking thing right?” Dagmire inquired

“Yepers!” Pinky said instantly

“We need to find these artifacts called the elements of harmony.” Twilight explained

Dagmire nodded in response as many types of birds and bats fled from something overhead.

“Wait. Stop. Something isn’t right.”

The group stopped on a dime as Dagmire slowly followed some tracks that led into a bush. The bush shook violently in an almost cartoonishly fashion. A moment later Dagmire carried out Clearance (who now had his glasses on)

“What?!” Twilight exclaimed

“Magic sunglasses usually do the trick.”

“Yep. The anti-magic enchantment is also how I avoid turning things to stone.” Clearance stated while rubbing his head

A blue whisp exited the bush before leaving quickly.

This did not escape Clearance’s sight

“FOLLOW THAT ZIP-ZOOM!”

“Alright I trust you buddy. Well come on then! We gotta out zoom that zip!”

“Uh could you repeat that in equish?”

“GO FAST”

Rainbow simply smiled before taking off with the others in hot pursuit. They reached a bridge that the whisp quickly untied from its posts.

“Dagmire and rainbow should go and tie the posts on the other side back up.”

“What is he going to fly over there?” Rainbow chuckled

“Well in a sense. Yes.”

Rainbow watched in confusion as Dagmire took off his boots and Clearance coiled up. Dagmire jumped onto Clearance’s waiting hands as Clearance sprang up throwing the now light Dagmire over the massive canyon.

“Woah...”

“Hey he might be a bit unorthodox but you really gotta trust the guy.”

Rainbow quickly flew to the other side and caught him when she realized that Dagmire wasn’t falling

“Hey can you also bring me my boots? They are kinda how I stay on the ground.”

Rainbow nodded and quickly flew back over the cliff again and quickly grabbed the boots before heading over once more and giving the boots to Dagmire.

“Thank you.”

He put them on and fell to the ground safely. Then the fog came and he had difficulty seeing around him. Dagmire maneged to make out a few silhouettes around where rainbow was. The figures seemed to be talking to rainbow about something. Dagmire had a gut feeling that this was a problem. One of the figures raised a hoof up in a fashion that convinced Dagmire that it had a weapon of some kind.

Suddenly twilight called out to rainbow and startled the would be attacker into dropping the weapon.

”Don’t do it rainbow!”

Rainbow shook her head and to Dagmire it looked like she was refusing something. She flew off to tie up the bridge as Dagmire swung at the figures with his scythe flinging sand in an arc. The sand dispelled the figures and exposed the blue wisp again. The wisp disappeared as the group made it over the bridge.

“-because I could never abandon my friends!” Rainbow said

“And a good thing too considering they were going for one hell of a backstabb” Dagmire said holding the knife for rainbow to see.

As rainbow soaked in what could have happened to her, Dagmire made his way over to the massive stone door and knocked a few times. Sounds echoed throughout the insides of the castle as Dagmire knocked.

“I guess no ones home.”

“Try knocking.” Clearance said

“...didn’t he just-“ applejack was cut off by a large blinding light flashing from Dagmire’s mask and when her vision returned she saw the door had been somehow turned into a flimsy white door. Dagmire quickly kicked the flimsy door down and exclaimed something that sent pinky and dash into hysterics and rarity into even more dramatic fainting:

“And I walk into the place like wadup? I gotta big dick”

Clearance snickered at this as the jester made his way inside.

“so what are we even looking for?”

“The elements of harmony”

“Ah. How Vague!”

Dagmire was looking at an alter looking table in the centre of the room.

“Perhaps they could be over there.”

Twilight checked the alter and found the elements.

“Wait this is only five of them!”

“Uh twilight?” Clearance asked concerned by the glowing circular thing growing around her

“What?”

“MOVE!” Clearance said while he rushed to move her and Dagmire.

The three disappeared without a trace to the horror of the rest of the group.

They appeared in the tower

“Where are we?”

Nightmare moon laughed

“What? Do I look funny to you?” The jester deadpanned

“Your kidding. Your kidding right?”

“Come on. Just one spark...”

The stones crumbled and nightmare let out a bellowing laugh

“You little foal! Thinking you could defeat me? Now you will never see your princess, or your sun! The nightwill last fore-”

“Pocket sand!”

“GAH!”

Nightmare reeled back as she tried to remove the grainy black substance from her eyes. The rest of the group finally arrived.

“You think you can destroy The Elements of Harmony just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Harmony are right here.”

“AHHHHHHHH”

Let it be known that metallic sand hurts folks

“Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of... honesty! Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of... kindness! Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of... laughter! Rarity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of... generosity! Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of... loyalty! And Clearance who taught us to trust in each other represents the element of...trust! The spirits of these five ponies (and basilisk) got us through every challenge you threw at us.”

Dagmire was slightly disappointed that he wasn’t involved but at the same time he was proud of Clearence. Some amulets began appearing on the elements as they each got their respective gem Clearance got a nice amulet in the shape of a crashing wave. As they inspected their newly found jewelry nightmare got the sand out of her eyes and was S U P E R P I S S E D so she shot a massive laser at the elements...

Only for Dagmire to block it. His mask began receiving more cracks as he absorbed the heavy blows. Eventually the elements noticed and fired the beam of harmony... into the back of the chaos guy

Dagmire’s mask shattered as both beams eventually ceased revealing a broken man under two pressures. Nightmare teleported over to Twilight and yanked the element off her head. Suddenly in the distance they all hid, animals knowing what was wrong all stopped their howling as birds ceased their songs. The only sound that remained under the now deafening sound of silence was the sound of nightmare’s laughter.

“Hahahaha-URK!”

”stop laughing”

Clearance was panicking as Dagmire began strangling nightmare

“OK WE NEED SOMETHING! A MASK ANYTHING!”

“Why is he doing that!”

“It’s a small part of his curse-“

“Please there’s no such things as Curses”

“NOW IS NOT THE TIME TWILIGHT!”

Nightmare gasped for air as her windpipe was finally unrestricted by the human’s hand.

Pinky was beside Dagmire holding a replica up for him as he strapped it on calmly without a word. Pinky handed twilight her element and they fired as Dagmire remained separate from the group.

Sad

Alone

And shamed.

Clearance walked over and comforted Dagmire to his surprise. Dagmire hugged Clearence back as the rainbow hit nightmare.

And then Dagmire’s mask shined a luminous white and black exposing the duality of its features.

Is it even a man under the mask?

Only Clearance knows.

And he is sworn to secrecy.

Author's Note

After years of chaos Dagmire is pretty much completely immune to shook

Also try and guess what instrument Dagmire has!

the fool and his king: ironically it is only a fool who sits atop the bone zone throne

Author's Note

-“A ghost from your past might show up again to say goodbye. In the end it’s up to you if you wanna show them your skeleton collection in your closet.”

Dagmire the discorded on ghosts returning to say goodbye to family

the fool and his king: ironically it is only a fool who sits atop the bone zone throne

Dagmire had just finished dropping off Fluttershy at her house when suddenly Dagmire was face to face with Fluttershy’s grandpaw.

“So we finally found her eh?” Dagmire said

“Yep. After all this time I’m finally ready to move on.” The ghost replied

“Maybe someday I can join you up there.”

“If you can lose the mask that is.”

“I’ll find him someday”

“It’s not worth it. You and I both know how revenge ends up.”

“Who said I’m after him for revenge?”

“Huh?”

“We all gotta die someday. I’ll probably find him like that.”

“Hey Dagmire. You still haven’t told me if you were the ferryman.”

“I’m not. I’m just a guy with a big ol heart and one very pointy farming tool”

“Ah. Alright then. I guess this is goodbye.”

“Safe journeys you beautiful basterd”

Fluttershy’s grandpaw chuckled before fading away for the last time. Dagmire quickly heded back to the bar and Clearance was putting the snakes back in the pit.

“You did good Dagmire”

“Then why do I feel so empty?”

“That’s probably because you haven’t eaten in a few days. Here eat this bread.”

Dagmire got the bread and felt strangely accomplished as he ate it. He shrugged it off and immediately fell asleep on the spot like he usually did when he ate regular bread. He awoke in a strange constantly shifting place akin to a castle. Always in motion never truly resting Dagmire set off to find out the strange source of his fever dream.

What Luna saw as a sad dream in the dreamscape quickly shifted to one of horror, before diving in to drive away the nightmare as she would usually do it shifted to a dream of joy. Then back to sadness only for the cycle to repeat. Luna was beyond intrigued at this point so she dove into the amalgamation of colours and emotional energy. Luna was in front of a rather gruesome sight. A creature similar to Dagmire was sitting on a throne made of bones and bodies. Dagmire was chained up in front of him and being forced to dance and sing for the monster. Suddenly Dagmire was standing infront of a mirror without a mask. Luna tried to look at his face but despite the fact that it wasn’t covered by the creatures short mane it was only a blur to both the creature and herself.

How long had it been since this poor creature had seen his face?

Dagmire punch’s the mirror only for the glass to stain the ground in blood. In one of the most disorienting dream transitions Luna had ever seen the blood had slowly lead to the king only for it to enter through his chest. A farmers tool began pokeing through the mans body as Dagmire pulls the tool out in awe. Then suddenly he returns to the floor chained once more and continuing the cycle.

Deciding she had seen enough, Luna stepped in to stop the cycle of misery. Luna fully materialized in the dream and was greeted with the smell of rot and blood. Cringing internally, Luna made her way to the creature slowly as the king took notice of Luna.

”And exactly what am I looking at jester?” the king spoke in a booming voice that reminded Luna of Sombra.

“What?” Dagmire turned around and spotted Luna. Then it hit him

“Oh! It’s you from the bar!” Dagmire remembered

The king smiled a wicked grin that proud displayed malice.

”oh. Is this another friend of yours? Perhaps I shall make you another-“

“How about you don’t?” Dagmire requested

”oh I do like it when they are defiant. Guards. Bring me it’s head.”

“You need to leave” Dagmire said hastily

“We won’t until thou-“

Suddenly Luna was forcefully ejected from the dream. This was almost unheard of. After close inspection Luna discovered that the creature himself removed her. Luna simply huffed and walked onto the balcony.

The pale moonlight comforted Dagmire as he awoke from his nightmare. Looking around, Dagmire spots Clearance curled up in the corner asleep. Dagmire silently Got up and made his way outside. He needed time to think. Heading towards the fountain Dagmire sat on the edge and remained quiet as he talked with his demons in his mind

Literally

“(*Sound of door being kicked in*) WHATS UP FUCKERS!” Dagmire screamed out internally

“Oh gods he’s back!” The demon spoke

“YEP I HAVE GOT A FEW HOURS TO KILL SO NATURALLY IM HERE TO KICK YOUR ASSES!”

“Ok. Calm down.”

Dagmire was a bit confused as to why the demon was trying to reason with him.

He was also too pissed to care

“OK WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS DECIDED TO RIG UP THE DREAM?!”

The demon laughed nervously

“He did it!” The demon accused an empty seat

“...”

Suddenly the chair exploded

“Eep!”

The demon cowered in fear

“Look at me. LOOK AT ME.”

The demon stared at Dagmire in terror

“i am the captain now. And I have been ever since I figured you out. Calm your tits, stop your shit, and cut it out before I turn your penIS into a penWAS. Got that?”

The demon nodded

“Good. Now fuck off.”

Dagmire snapped back to reality when suddenly something crashed beside him. Dagmire looked over and spotted rainbow Dash looking a little bit dazed...in a crater she created on impact

“Wow. What a hole.”

“Ugh. Figures I’d run into you.”

“Wait what? Why are you mad at me?”

“Because I. Don’t. Trust. You.” Rainbow said while shoving her hoof into Dagmire’s chest with every pause

“Ok.”

“And do- Wait What?”

“You don’t trust me. That’s clear. And in time you will ether trust me or you won’t”

“I won’t.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you were never one of us. Were you?”

“...what?”

“I said that you-“

“I heard what what you said. It’s just...UGH could you have worded that any differently?”

“Why? Somepony tell you that when you showed them your true colours?” Rainbow said smugly

“First of all. It wasn’t my fault. Second of all that’s rather funny coming from the mare showing off an entire rainbow of colours.”

Rainbow made an attempt to hide her rage when suddenly she remembered one crucial mistake that the monster had made earlier when his mask came off.

Using her speed she swiftly lifted up the mask Dagmire had on...and immediately regretted the decision.

Unable to fully register what she was looking at she couldn’t have possibly avoided the knee heading towards her face

Dagmire quickly snatched back his mask and ran away carrying his second face.

Rainbow simply stood there contemplating exactly what she had done to the poor creature.

Dagmire had finally managed to calm down after slapping around his demons a bit. He had finally managed to stop hyperventilating. Dagmire looked at the mask. And spotted his reflection

“M-maybe she d-didn’t see it.”

Dagmire noticed he was in denial. He sighed and made a choice that would forever change his life.

“Fuck it. T-tomorrow I go without the mask. A-at least the c-curse won’t acti-acti- FUCK...
(Sigh) I’m a mess.”

Dagmire’s face felt strange being unrestricted by the mask. He knew he eventually would need to put it on...

But not tomorrow.

Tomorrow would be the first time in eight years that he had gone maskless.

And the first time ever that such a thing wouldn’t end in a bloodbath

The ticket master: Dagmire’s first friendship problem just got upstaged

Author's Note

”RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” - the sound Dagmire made while casting bardic inspiration In his sleep after rolling a nat 20

The ticket master: Dagmire’s first friendship problem just got upstaged

Twilight was having a rough day. After everything going poorly when she discovered that Celestia sent her tickets to the GGG she was finally ready to take a bite of a nice daisy sandwich when suddenly the waiter asked her a question.

“Miss are you going to eat out in the rain?”

Twilight confusedly looks to the sky only to see patchy cloud work that could only belong to an amateur...or somepony very out of it.

“Rainbow are you trying to get me to give you the tickets?”

“What? No that’s not what this is about!”

“Please don’t-“

“Twilight we need to talk.” Rainbow demanded in a serious tone

“...ok. What is it” twilight asked exasperated

“We need to go to the library first. This is...uh kinda personal”

Concerned for her new friend Twilight decided to oblige the request by teleporting rainbow, spike and herself into the library.

“Uh Twilight? You forgot your sandwich”

Twilight exploded in rage internally but maneged to keep her composure.

“Ok. What?” Twilight said

“Last night I uh...did something bad.”

“How bad?” Twilight deadpanned

“I kinda told Dagmire that he wasn’t one of us and sorta took off his mask.”

Twilight remained stone faced.

“And also I found out that it was a prosthetic?” Rainbow nervously laughed

It suddenly clicked in twilight’s head what exactly what rainbow had done.

“Are you COMPLETELY INSANE?!” Twilight screamed

“N-No that w-would be me.” Dagmire said from the chair behind them.

Twilight and rainbow stiffened. They hadn’t even heard him enter Rainbow went wide eyed and twilight slowly turned around. And then she saw it. His face was strangely pony-like but at the same time very different as it had very little fur. He had a small bit of facial hair and an unremarkable lower half of his face. Everything above the nose that seemed to protrude from his short muzzle was brutally torn and many chunks of his forehead was a simple fleshy red as if some maniac attempted to melt his head with a blast of scalding steam. The scalp seemed to escape the brutality and as a result his short mane was able to eventually grow to a size where he can hide his face. Without the mask to distract from his eyes, Twilight took note that his left eye was a milky white as if to signify that it was useless.

Twilight had never seen something so scarred in her entire life.

“Yep. I-it’s me.” Dagmire stammered out

“What happened to you?” Twilight asked in horror

“Somehow I maneged to survive a small dip in a pool of lava. Ironically it was the curse that saved me. I got lucky and the lava turned into love”

“Love?” Twilight asked baffled

“Yes. Love. It still sounds silly. Imagine the evil dark lords face when his moat of lava suddenly turned pink. Next thing you know I’m right behind him showing him the underside of his right leg and his court wizard offers to fix my face in exchange for his life. He whiffed the spell and took out my eye. All he could save was my hair...” Dagmire said with his confidence growing with each word

“...what happened to him?”

“Oh I let him go because everybody wanted to kill him. He had a wife so I said no, he is fine. He settled down and became a baker or something”

“So? Curse?”

“Ah the curse of chaos as I like to call it. To this day I am hunting the basterd who did it.”

Dagmire sighed and sat back down on the chair...before his eyes flashed blinding twilight and rainbow

“DAMM IT!”

To twilight’s surprise the chair that Dagmire was sitting on had inverted colours and was made of rubber

It was at this time that spike woke up and decided to ask questions

“Are you two done yammering on yet? I go-!”
And then spike saw Dagmire for the first time

“BLAST IT TWILIGHT!”

Dagmire frowned at the baby dragons response

“(Sigh) if you need me I’ll be at the bar.”

“But Ponyville doesn’t have a bar.”

“Well it does now”

Dagmire walked up to the door and began focusing on returning home...until pinkie happened. The large crowd outside waiting for twilight cheered...then went silent as the looked upon Dagmire’s face. Some recoiled and others cringed. Dagmire put back on his mask and walked away without a word.

“...freak” one of the ponys in the crowd said before Dagmire’s eyes flashed and the pony was yeeted into a grand piano playing ragtime music at triple speed.

A few hours passed since the mane seven (good for you Clearance!) had gathered up and solved the issue of the tickets...without Dagmire.

An hour passed without Dagmire. Then a day passed. Clearance searched day and night for his friend but nobody had seen him. He was just gone.

Clearance alongside the other six solved problems as time went on. Eventually the pony that had been thrown through a grand piano had warranted an assault charge on Dagmire and had gaurds track him down to be thrown into the dungeon.

Around winter time he was found a few towns over living with a strange pitch black unicorn. As he wasn’t an element of harmony he received no special pardon for his “crimes”.

In the dungeon Dagmire was forbidden to wear anything unnecessary. So naturally he was left only with his mask and pants (which the court would discover is magically bonded to Dagmire)... until a guard broke the prosthetic. Now a ticking time-bomb, Dagmire needed to escape somehow.

And then suddenly praying on Dagmire’s weakness and fear the demon escaped his head.

”you are weak fool”

“And you’re the bottom bitch in this prison.”

Dagmire knowing a small bit of magic himself cast psychic blade to combat the demon. With his weapon ready and the gaurds on their way, the jester twitched and swung at the demon. The demon caught the blade in his claws and seized Dagmire’s neck before hoisting him up while choking him

Dagmire smiled as he was in position

”why are you smiling fool?”

Dagmire couldn’t respond the psychic blade faded and the demon used both claws to choke Dagmire...

Leaving his nether regions unprotected.

Dagmire summoned the blade and succeeded in turning the penIS into a penWAS almost instantaneously

the demon looked at Dagmire in horror and pain as he started to tremble.

“You should have trusted that I make good on my promises” Dagmire said as he summoned the other blade into the demon’s throat

“Bitch”

The body hit the floor and the gaurds arrived just in time to see Dagmire walk away from the body

“WHERE THE FUCK WERE ALL OF YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU!”

“Stand down prisoner and drop the weapon!” The gaurds spat out.

“You know what?”

Dagmire’s eyes flashed and the prison bars turned into baguettes. Dagmire simply punched through the “bars”

“fuck. This”

Dagmire simply threw sand into the gaurds eyes and took her keys.

Dagmire entered the evidence room and gathered his things. The door to the room burst open just in time for the gaurds to see Dagmire flip them off and jump through the glass window. Dagmire and a Pegasus that had dove after him had vanished.

Dagmire reappeared in his bar through the fire escape.

“...Dagmire?” Clearance asked

“Yep! Mask me!”

As Clearance tossed the mask a Pegasus gaurd entered through the window

“HALT PRISONER! YOU CAN ADD ATTEMPTED MURDER OF AN ELEMENT TO YOUR SENTENCE AS WELL-“

The guard was shut up by suddenly being turn into stone by Clearance.

“Ok. So what happened while I was gone?”

Clearance pointed at the group of ponys and the DJ that were starring at the two of them.

“...huh”

The pony from earlier was present as well

“I thought I got rid of you-“

“Silence tiny horse!”

Dagmire punched the pony in the teeth

Punching a gift horse in the mouth: violence isn’t the answer...it’s the question (and the answer is yes)

Author's Note

“Hey guys put the shell up to your ear and listen! Can you hear it guys? ITS THE SOUND OF YOU DICKS SHUTTING YOUR FUCKS UP!”

-Dagmire the discorded after being absolutely done with the party’s shit.

Punching a gift horse in the mouth: violence isn’t the answer...it’s the question (and the answer is yes)

“So what happened while I was off?” Dagmire asked

“Well we found something called a zebra who makes potions-oh and she also has asked to see you at some point, we made an egomaniac fuck off after she brought a huge ass bear to town, and you reappeared right in the middle of our “welcome to Ponyville” party.”

“Huh. Well that’s great. While I was off I ran into an old friend.”

“Really? Who?” Clearance asked

“Remember Stella?”

“That shadow unicorn thing you have?”

“Yep! Her ass was hiding in the basement when we came here! She set up shop and made something of herself.”

“Really? Well good for her! Nice to know I won’t have to worry about her being found inside an empty keg again. What-“

With clearance distracted from the gaurd the stone encaseing her managed to crack enough for her escape

“STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!” She cried while thrusting her spear at Dagmire in an attempt to impale him.

Dagmire quickly sidestepped and easily grabbed the spear out of the ponys hoof.

“Call Stella for me!” Dagmire called out to Clearance while he dogged the attack

“Ok.”

Clearance took a deep breath as a glassy look flowed over his eyes while he muttered the summoning words used to bring forth the bringer of shadows

“Stella...ella ola, clap clap clap!
Say yes, chicko chicko, chicko chicko chak!
Say yes, chicko, chicko, allo, allo
Allo allo allo!
Say one, two three four, FIVE!”

The moment the last word left Clearance’s face the entire bar began to shake as a thunderous booming grew louder and louder until a shadowy figure smashed through the floor boards

“YOU RANG?” Stella boomed

“I need your help subduing this pony” Dagmire said

“But Dagmire...”

“What?”

“She’s already In chains”

Dagmire looked back at his attacker only to find that she was hanging by her hind hooves from a chandelier

“Oh. Thanks Stella!”

“No worries! That and since you called me out here my job just became WAY easier! There’s a library in town that was built into a house so I’m basically here to make sure it’s all up to code” Stella explained

“Up to code? What?” Clearance asked confused

“Well basically when I woke up in this place I suddenly discovered I could talk! It was very strange. Anyway after talking the talk and walking the walk I ended up in a small town called bucksenburg-“

“Ok I think I know where you are going with this. You got a job and your assigned town was Ponyville when suddenly Dagmire dropped in and eventually went to jail.” Clearance said impatiently

“Yeah pretty much” Stella confirmed

Unknown to them the pony Dagmire punched managed to sneak outside of the bar...and end up straight in front of an angry mob that was sick of her shit.

“Well I guess I gotta go do inspection for now.” Stella huffed

“And I’ll join you. It is my friends house your inspecting after all.” Clearance stated

“Alrighty then. Let’s go see the damage.”

Dagmire hid a prideful smile under his mask as Clearance and Stella left the bar. It was always difficult for Clearance to find friends (usually due to him being a basilisk).

Dagmire was about to follow them when suddenly the guard from before spoke up

“I’ll get you someday! Or my name isn’t strong wings!”

Dagmire recognizes the name instantly and simply chose to ignore the guard for the moment as he walked out of the door.

“Ok so according to the records the house should be right over there.” Stella said

Stella approached the tree house (pun!) and began looking at everything the outside had to offer

“Alright so since it’s a hollowed out tree I am somewhat concerned about the structural integrity of the building. I need to see if the owner has any enchantments on the building that would keep it in place. Hey Clearance could you call out the owner?” Stella asked

“Ok”

Twilight was reading a book when suddenly a knocking on her door brought her back to reality. She left the couch and opened the front door.

“Hi Clearance!”

“Hi Twilight. Listen apparently I got someone here to inspect your home and ask a few questions about it.”

“That was quick! She’s ahead of the schedule...(Sigh) ok where is she?” Twilight asked

“Right over here” said a voice Twilight didn’t recognize.

Twilight left the house and was suddenly starring at something that should be impossible. A living shadow. She inspected everything about the newcomer and to her surprise it actually wasn’t a trick of the light. The unicorn was pitch black and didn’t seem to have any unique details on her form. Her face seemed to hold the only two details that allowed twilight to see her as anything other than a dark haze: a horn and a pair of bright red eyes.

“Hello Twilight. I am Stella and I’m here to inspect your house”

-meanwhile inside twilight’s brain

“TALK TO ME DAMM IT!” A Twilight with a helmet screamed

“Miss I’m looking at this thing in every way possible. WHAT THE BUCK ARE WE LOOKING AT?! IT DOSENT EVEN HAVE A CUTIE MARK!” A twilight with goggles said

“Uh check the library! There might be information on it inside!” A twilight with glasses spoke

“Wait! I think It just asked us something!” Goggles said

“Uh did you catch any of that?” Helmet asked

“Twilight is too stressed...and someone zoned out?!” Glasses said

All eyes rested on a twilight with slippers on in a chair beside the sound control...she was asleep.

“WAKE UP!” Helmet screamed

“Hey come on! That was the most rest I’ve had in months!” Slippers said

“WE GOT A SITUATION!” Glasses screamed

Stella was looking directly at them with a face that displayed impatience

“DONT WORRY I GOT THIS!” Slippers said while pressing a button

-meanwhile outside of Twilight’s head

“BOOK!” Twilight screamed at Stella before teleporting inside.

Twilight began frantically looking for something that might hint at what Stella is. Twilight couldn’t understand why she was mentally cussing out somepony named “Slippers” for “dropping the spaghetti” but she continued searching for the book while Stella waited outside.

Twilight couldn’t find anything on Stella in the library and in her frantic search she didn’t notice Dagmire enter the library until he shut the door

“House keeping! I come in? I come in now.”

“Not now Dagmire! I gotta...gotta.”

Twilight stopped when she realized who was talking

-meanwhile inside Twilight’s head

“By Celestia...” Helmet said

“He’s alive! I knew it! I knew we didn’t get him killed!” Slippers said while getting up from her beating

“But how?! He has been missing for months!”

“But now he’s back!” A twilight with hair styled like pinkie’s screamed out after suddenly appeareing behind Helmet

“GAH! LIGHT! Don’t scare me like that!” Helmet said

Light giggles a bit and after skipping over to the controls she began rapidly bashing in the “hug” button

“Do it.” Light commanded forcefully

“No we still-“ goggles tried to talk before getting cut off by both Slippers and light at the same time

“DOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOIT!”

“OK FINE!” Helmet said in defeat

-meanwhile outside of Twilight’s head

Twilight made a noise that to
Dagmire sounded like a ding (somehow) as she realized he was back. She promptly teleported behind Dagmire and hugged him. He patted her head awkwardly and eventually she let go

“Where were you! I’ve been so worried about you!” Twilight said

“I was in jail.” Dagmire said bluntly

Seeing twilight’s shocked expression Dagmire took a moment to explain to twilight what happened

“Ok I just wanted to check in. I gotta go back to the bar now. I’ve got some business with one of the guards” Dagmire said

“Wait!”

But Dagmire was already through her window and back at the bar. The party was mostly gone by the time Dagmire arrived and only a few stragglers remained.

“Alright then.”

Clearance entered through the same window as Dagmire.

“Dude What the hell?”

“Hey Clearance I need you to set up the snake rave again.” Dagmire said

“Wait are you telling me that the guard has someone here!?” Clearance asked

“Yeah pretty much” Dagmire summarized

“Could you please let me down already?” The guard said from the chandelier with annoyance

“Ok but you’ll have to do something for me before we untie you.” Dagmire said

“And that is?”

“Oh just wait for a bit” Dagmire said while lowering the chandelier and releaseing her from it.

Clearance quickly pulled the lever and began the rave.

“GAH!”

“Just calm down. Oh and also look to your right.” Dagmire said while opening the curtains and exposing the full moon once more

Strong wings looked reluctantly at the snake to her right...a snake with a familiar scar

Her eyes widened in realization as the snake began letting out a somewhat dopey laugh that she was all to familiar with

“Quick steel!” She called out at the snake.

The snake nodded and quickly slithers over to the pale moonlight, the snake bursts into a rainbow of colours as it hits the moonlight and eventually the light fades enough for strong wings to see her old unicorn friend

“Well you haven’t changed much” the ghost said

Dagmire quickly removed the chains and freed strong. Confused, strong looked at Dagmire

“Well go on. Say goodbye”

Strong rushed over and began frantically apologizing

“It’s not your fault.” The ghost began

“But I left you to die!”

“And now I’m leaving you to live. We are even.”

“But-“

“Just get out and live your life...also I need you to do me a favour.”

“Yes?”

“Avenge me. And please help me do it”

A photo of the prison guard that broke Dagmire’s mask dropped from the ghost as well as a wrapped up package

“Ok steel. You have my wings.”

“And you have my horn...literally.”

Inside the package was a golden spear with a horn on the end instead of a spear head.

“I need you to stop the corruption of the guard strong. Oh and Dagmire.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you. I’m glad I listened to you.”

“It’s what I do. Though I’ll admit I have somewhat of a selfish reason to help you all.”

“Really?” The ghost asked

“Well yes. Every soul I appease gives my scythe more power. If I help all of you I will finally have the power to break my curse”

“Well regardless I wish you luck with that”

The ghost wavered and sighed

“I need to go strong. My time is up.”

“Steel...”

“Hey. I said I would be your friend until the bitter end.”

“But this is the end!”

“...well I lied...

I’ll be your friend forever”

The spirit gave strong a hug and to strong’s surprise steel grew wings. Steel smashed through the window and once more the sky echoed with a dopey laugh as it was pierced by a spirit moveing on. A key appeared on Dagmire’s scythe.

“Uh Dagmire...” Clearance said while tapping his shoulder

“Yeah?”

Clearance pointed to twilight standing outside the other window who had finally looked back down with wide eyes at what she witnessed

“Well shit”

Griffin the brush off: I spent half an hour working on this stupid title and gave up

Author's Note

“There is no such thing as a death wish. Only a request to become deceased”

-Dagmire the discorded on running around the royal palace leaving sand everywhere

Griffin the brush off: I spent half an hour working on this stupid title and gave up

A pale man entered the bar looking at the large amount of snakes roaming around

“Sorry friend! Uh you might wanna...Wait you want to meet him? Well that’s a first. Alright sir could you please come inside”

The man entered the bar without a word and seemed to be focusing on the snake that requested him

“...”

The man smirked and took out a prisim and let it hit the pale moonlight. Suddenly Dagmire’s bar was full of many strange creatures ranging from men to Minotaur and even small horses as the rainbow light shined upon them. The man went up to the spirit he was called by and lead him to the window. The spirit grew wings and flew off to Dagmire’s surprise. Dagmire’s scythe now had a small carving at the hilt that looked like an X

“What?”

“Use the chaos my friend. It will free you.”

“Oh ok I guess that doesn’t make sense”

“...”

“Well alright then. I uh guess I’ll get to that”

“You will know when it’s time to leave here.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Nope”

The pale man laughed as he himself took flight and left through the window. Suddenly a dark figure appeared at the window.

“We claim this town for the dark lord-“

The black knight was hit by a thrown table

“MARRY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!”

-Dagmire’s bar: 3AM

“Wait. Did you really say that Dagmire?” Twilight asked after hearing his explanation

“Yeah. I’ve say and do some stupid things when I get startled” Dagmire confirmed as he finished his flashback

“So what happened to the town?” Twilight asked

“The dark lord took it until someone blew it up. Nice guy but he had the wrong idea. He managed to kill the dark lord in the explosion but he also killed a few innocents.”

“I see...” Twilight said

“Well that’s all I got. Oh and also I need you to keep quiet about this. Seriously if people get the idea that I’m some sort of god of life and death or something than things will get difficult for everyone.”

“Ok. I cro-“

Clearance put his hand over Twilight’s mouth

“Don’t do that. A regular promise will work...that and if you finish that then pinky will appear again”

“...”

“Just roll with it. Anyway I’m going to bed.” Dagmire said dismissively

Dagmire to Twilight’s confusion began jogging on the spot

“What are you doing?” Twilight asked

“Preparing.”

Twilight looked in confusion at Dagmire until he began screaming and sprinting up the staircase while dogging many obstacles. Eventually he made it to the top of the stair case after kicking a bear that emerged from the wall.

“Ok. Night twilight!” Dagmire said from the top

Twilight stared in disbelief as Dagmire casually walked into another room upstairs

“Eh Just roll with it. Also since your here do you wanna take me up on my offer to show you some of our books?” Clearance asked twilight. Twilight snapped back to reality as Clearance asked the question.

“Yes please” Twilight said.

Clearance led twilight into a back room behind the bar that had a few bookshelves

“Eh it’s not much but I do believe that something in here is useful. Have fun!” Clearance said before shutting the door

Twilight looked at the literature before her and began reading out the titles

“Ok let’s see... how to build a good defence, necromancy for dummy’s, meme stealing 101, Samuel Jackson’s go the fuck to sleep, proper care for your pet snakes, dealing with amnesia, how to get the voices to stop, how to convince your nemesis to “go commit toaster in bathtub”, why Martha took the kids, titanic except the iceberg is actually moby dick, proper scale care... what even are these?” Twilight asked

Twilight looked back at meme stealing 101 and decided to read it. Instead of an actual book coming off the shelf the book tilted down with a large *clank*

Twilight stepped back as the bookshelf descended into the floor revealing a hidden room. Inside of the room was a large table with cranks and knobs on it (talking about the door knobs. Get your mind out of the gutter) and beside the table was a chest with a very strange looking set of armour beside it.

Twilight saw a pole in the corner of the room that led up to a hole in the roof. Thinking nothing of it Twilight began to inspect the armour as it was emitting a magical signal.

She picked it up in her magical grasp and immediately dropped it in surprise as the armour began bending and shifting to fit her aura. Not a moment later Dagmire slid down the pole to inspect the noise.

“Who’s there?” Dagmire said with an unusual air of seriousness

“Hi” Twilight said sheepishly

“Oh. Alright then. Screw it. Fuck it. Might as well show you all my secrets well I’m at it.” Dagmire said with a hint of malice

Dagmire sighed and in a single swift motion put the large armour on twilight. It conformed to her shape and features with ease. Twilight simply watched the armour and after a moment of silence Dagmire spoke.

“Long ago there was a man by the name of-“

Suddenly Dagmire’s eyes flashed and he was sat down in a lawn chair drinking something

“(Sigh) I give up” Dagmire said while quickly tossing the drink that ruined the moment

Dagmire walked over to the table and turned the knobs revealing the table had little figures on it. Dagmire turned the crank and a soft melody began to play from the table

The little figures moved around and eventually even fought some large creatures. Eventually the table flipped to the other side revealing a desolate and barren battlefield with many figures strewn about. Twilight tried not to think about the fact that many of the little figures were missing arms and legs. The little Dagmire on the table was playing a tiny piano that was going across the battlefield due to the slanted land. A little monster struck Dagmire as he flew by and cracked the little figures mask. The music hit a sour note as the cover of the table came back on without warning

“...sorry about that. It was supposed to explain more but it’s been ten years since I got this thing.” Dagmire said calmly

“Explain?” Twilight said in confusion

“Ok fine. After the fight I needed a new eye thanks to that one little guy you saw. Out of everyone only one person actually helped me. Clearance.”

Dagmire removed his mask and pressed one of the keys on his music device. Dagmire’s right eye changed to a much more reptilian version.

“We had a great mage shink down Clearance to appropriate size to do the transplant as a favour for saving the land. The operation was a success and now I have Clearance’s right eye... and he has mine.” Dagmire began

“Wait what? That would never work! Your biology is too different for your body to accept something like that!”

“And yet now my eye flashes whenever the chaos goes off. It doesn’t matter. That’s all I’m explaining for now about my past. Good night.”

Dagmire’s eye flashed again and suddenly Twilight was in a cannon pointed out the window. Dagmire quickly put out the fuse and profusely apologized for it. Dagmire awkwardly let twilight out through the front entrance and closed off the room.

The next morning Dagmire got out of bed and ended up face to face with Stella

“Sooooooo I need a place to stay-“

“Ok. Second verse same as the first. Your room is still open Stella.”

Stella thanked Dagmire before heading off into town for more inspections.

Dagmire got prepared and tactically used his secret room to get downstairs without taking the stairs. Dagmire grabbed his mask on the way out of the secret room.

“Alright! Let’s get some food for the bar!” Dagmire said to himself while leaving the bar.

Dagmire explored Ponyville, searching the town for a restaurant while he satisfied his cravings to look around. Dagmire took the wrong road multiple times to avoid the restaurants and bakery’s so that he could explore even more. Eventually he came upon Fluttershy and a griffin.

The griffin shouted at Fluttershy and she quickly fled. The griffin spotted Dagmire

“And what are you supposed to be?”

“A butcher!”

The griffin looked confused

“Really? Why set up so far from the empire?” She said

“Well probably because it’s a bit hard to “prepare” griffin meat so close to there...course now we are a bit far from home...friend” Dagmire said with a mirthful chuckle and enough malice in his voice to kill a changeling

The griffin took a defensive stance and began sizing up Dagmire. His legs were so thin that she could easily snap them in two...yet were strangely muscular. As she looked over the creature she saw more and more concerning features hidden behind the guise of fragility. At the moment she inspected the mask that seemed to be a zebracin mask that held multiple meanings. Usually used as a type of mateing call but also used to identify someone who is mentally unwell. His mask said “bedroom” but his eyes said genocide. The griffin was suddenly glad she had taken that dumb class about other species’s cultures.

The griffin decided to back off until the creature began laughing

“I’m sorry! I couldn’t resist! Hello I’m Dagmire. And you are?” Dagmire inquired

“...my name is Gilda-“

“Actually I really don’t care. Listen, if you keep acting like an asshole eventually you are going to get yourself killed. So how about we drop the hostility’s and just talk normally.” Dagmire bluntly stated

“Fine. What’s up?”

“Well honestly not much. Also I was only yanking your chain with the whole butcher thing. I am the owner of the debauchery.”

“Wait Really?!” Gilda said with an air of unease

“Yep. Hear of us before?” Dagmire asked

“That’s like the legendary bar everyone talks about!”

Dagmire took the compliment with pride

“Why thank you! Listen. How about I give you a free drink as a peace offering?”

“I think I would like that...could I bring a friend?” Gilda asked

“Sure! We open in two hours or so and close up at nine.”

“Got it. See you then!”

“Later!”

Gilda flew off leaving Dagmire to his thoughts as he left to go get food to prepare for the night.

Now if only he knew who the baker in town was...

A time at the bar: how’s that for a slice of fried gold

Author's Note

“Sleep is for the meek”

Dagmire the discorded on knocking out reluctant bandits instead of killing them

A time at the bar: how’s that for a slice of fried gold

Dagmire waited patiently for some bread bowls to be made. Tonight was going to be a good one as for once his plan went pass “fuck bitches get riches”. He was going to make some soup for both the ponys and that one griffin coming with her friend. Dagmire was glad that he had found the bakery with ease after confronting the griffin.

“Well it is somewhat unusual to make this but honestly I’m glad you found another use for bread!” The baker said

“Thanks. I’m making soup in them” Dagmire said vaguely

“Ok. So 26 “bread bowls” would come to a total of...28 bits”

Dagmire handed the baker a large gold ingot

“Uh will this work?”

“...”

The baker fainted at the massive amount of riches

“Ok then. I uh guess I’ll take these” Dagmire said while grabbing the bread bowls

Dagmire left the shop and made his way back to the bar cautiously as to not drop the edible bowls. After entering the bar Dagmire went over to the fireplace and began setting up his cooking stations: one for the meat and one for the plants. Normally Dagmire throws it all into the same pot and serves it as such but he was hesitant to sell meat to some of the ponys due to Gilda’s earlier reaction.

Dagmire threw in some spices and such while juggling ingredients. Eventually it was time to actually begin cooking so Dagmire went into the cellar through the trapdoor behind the bar and collected some chicken and hydra meat as well as a few fruits and vegetables.

Dagmire added the ingredients to the pots and eventually after half an hour the liquid inside both pots had turned into thick rich broth. Dagmire began cleaning the stage and preparing for the incoming hoard of customers and their friends. Clearance re-entered the bar and slapped down a few bottles and plates onto the bar

“Hey Dagmire we got someone in town who brews!”

“Great! What’s her name and what’s her price?”

“Berry punch or something? I uh kinda forgot” Clearance said while unintentionally and unknowingly mimicking the authors poor knowledge of the show

“Well alrighty then. Just don’t forget about recruiting her if we can”

“Alright...soup?”

“Yep. And this time I promise that no one will die from joy.” Dagmire said while looking over the plaque of the poor souls who had been enlightened and invited to the heavens by the dish

“I never even knew it was possible at first. It wasn’t poisonous or bad. They just sort of reached a point where their poor little bodies couldn’t handle anymore- oh gods I think they literally drowned themselves in it” Clearance said in realization

“This will be different! We got bread bowls”

“How”

“Went to the ba-“

“No, how will bread bowls help?”

“They aren’t stale and can’t hold more than two servings of soup before they leak”

“Ah. Nice”

“Yep. So let’s get going before these can kill somebody”

“Alrighty then!” Clearance said pumping himself up.

Dagmire went back to gently sweeping off the stage as Clearance awkwardly stood in the room.

“So uh...I guess I’ll go?”

“Yeah you can have fun while I clean up.”

“Ok. I’m going to see what pinkie is up to”

“See you later.”

Clearance left as Dagmire finished up the stage. An hour passed and Dagmire flipped the sign that notified customers that the bar was open. Another hour passed with no customers. Dagmire was a bit concerned when eventually the moon once again took to the skyline and still no one was in the bar. The bar was empty and Dagmire was a bit upset about the lack of customers when suddenly he heard something wrong. The sounds of someone uncontrollably sobbing filled the air around the bar and Dagmire went outside to investigate. It was Gilda casually defying physics and using a cloud like a trauma couch as she cried. Dagmire feeling sorry for the griffin decided to send the grief stricken griffin a gift.

Gilda was simply laying there on a cloud emotionaly exposed and vulnerable as she sobbed. It went against everything she knew about her pride to do this yet she simply couldn’t control herself. Many little droplets of sorrow fell from her eyes as she wept over the loss of her best friend. Years of trust ruined in a single night. Something had risen up beside her and eventually she managed to see exactly what it was.

It was a little bowl of soup tied to a red balloon. Gilda wiped the tears from her eyes and looked down from her cloud and spotted Dagmire simply looking up at her (she tried to ignore the three other bowls of spilt soup that were on the ground. Hey it’s hard to get soup to high places ok!) and she briefly forgot about her ongoing depression as she opened the lid of the soup and was hit by a Savory aroma of high end meat and 13 herbs and spices. She lowered herself down to Dagmire’s level while keeping her composure. He simply entered the bar and beckoned her to come inside.

As Gilda entered the bar a sense of unease washed over her until she found that besides Dagmire behind the bar there was nopony present within the bar.

“Have a seat. You look like you’re having a rough night.” Dagmire said

“...”

Gilda simply remained silent as she sat with her head down

“Ok. Uh I’m going to have a drink. I’ll get you one also.” Dagmire said while reaching under the counter for the whiskey. Dagmire poured a shot into a glass before putting the shot back under the table And draining the bottle himself.

“...ah buck it. Gimme one of those” Gilda said

Dagmire complies and the two share a few drinks

-three bottles of whiskey later...

“-And so our rogue. The crazy motherfucker went up to the gaurd and while he was still turned into a horse and said “no one will ever believe you” as he grabbed the loot with his teeth, our wizard teleported him out of there and the gaurd just stood there in utter confusion!” Dagmire finished

“That’s crazy!”

“Yep! There was also this one time-“

-eight bottles of whiskey later...

“-And tttthats why I told uuuuuuhhhhh what’s-her-tits to go fuck a tree ifffff she likes nature so alot” Dagmire said intelligently

Gilda laughed and listened as the jester once again began another tall tale

-thirty bottles of rum all over the wall (and floor) later

“-the uh eight traits of humanity are literally just fight, friend, and fuck. It’s all we do. Seriously! Some guy literally fucked a dragon. It worked. Now we got some crazy guys who can breathe-use fire and shit. Literally all magic from my world was created because everyone just couldn’t stop fucking magical creatures! Itsh an epppedemmimick-epidemic! That’s the word!” Dagmire explaind

“Who wouldn’t wanna fuck a dragon?” Gilda said with a slur

“I’st never said it was a not-good epedmehaw” Dagmire preached

“Shhhhow what are you?!” Gilda scream-
asked

“Dragonborn? Magic Alpaca? Human? I’m told one o mah ancestories was some guy named Smaug or somethn”

“Eh closhe enughf”

Gilda flew to the bedroom and Dagmire hobbled after her.

Outcome? Train go boom

-half an hour later

Clearance finally returned from the party and began talking to himself

“That was nice. Got rid of a bully and got to party..?”

Clearance heard the sound of floorboards creaking

“Didn’t Dagmire say something about what that means? Something about human mating rituals? What was it called...sex! That’s the one!” Clearance exclaimed

Clearance also rememberd how private and intimate the rituals usually were so Clearance flipped the sign and opted to simply sleep downstairs on the couch out of respect for his friend.

The hangover will be legendary

Wow if you squint you can almost see exactly how fucked Dagmire is: oh and dragonshy too

Author's Note

“Yeet! *clang!*”

-the sound of Dagmire throwing a tiny piano at a succubus

Wow if you squint you can almost see exactly how fucked Dagmire is: oh and dragonshy too

Dagmire awoke with a splitting headache. He looked over to the nightstand and saw an unmarked bottle with a note on it. The note read: “to sober Dagalag. Drink this XOXO kill yourself- drunk cool dagarag”’ Dagmire took a sip and found that the drink was actually vodka. Dagmire put the drink down and shifted out of bed only to discover that he wasn’t wearing pants. He quickly found a pair in his dresser and after putting it on to his horror he heard a moan of pain from behind him.

“Ugh what’s with the killer hangover?” Gilda said

“...”

Dagmire simply stood there wide eyed. Gilda slowly got out of the bed and she quickly noticed something was wrong. She looked up and saw a beet red maskless Dagmire wearing only pants.

“...oh shit” Gilda said while judging the severity of the situation

Dagmire quickly grabbed his mask and strapped it on. He took a few deep breaths and attempted to find a solution

“Ok...what the fuck happened last night?” Dagmire asked

“Uh I think you said something about being part dragon or something?” Gilda admittedly said

Dagmire inspected the room and it seemed surprisingly clean despite the questionable activity’s that took place earlier...except for the bloody spear near the door and the blood trail

“Damm I think I tried to make it up the stairs.” Dagmire said sheepishly while grabbing a blood rag

“Woah. Dude are you ok?” Gilda said while momentarily forgetting about the situation

“Yeah I’m fine. Just don’t ever take the stairs. They are seriously dangerous.” Dagmire said

“Ok...so what do we do?” Gilda asked

“I’m not quite sure. I’ve never been in this situation before” Dagmire admittedly said

“Dagmire we got a situation here!” Clearance called from down stairs

“Ok I’ll be down in a second! Shit. Ok uh leave through the window and if the want to come back at anytime just smash through a window while thinking about the bar. It’s magic.” Dagmire said while quickly getting dressed and leaping off the balcony

“Ok Clearance what’s going on?” Dagmire asked with seriousness

“We got a dragon problem up on some mountain. If we can’t move it than this place is going to get covered in smog”

“Wait so a dragon isn’t attacking?”

“No. He’s sleeping. Twilight said it’s kinda important-“

“Say no more. Let’s go” Dagmire said without a moment of hesitation”

The duo made their way to the rest of the elements.

“Woah hold up. Dagmire what are you doing? Rainbow asked

“Getting ready for another adventure”

“This is a dangerous job Dagmire. We simply cannot in good con-“

“BITCHYOUDONTKNOWMYLIFE!” Dagmire shouted interrupting Rarity

“Seriously though girls. Trust me. He’s up for it.” Clearance said

“Yep! If dragons and dungeons are involved I’m the man to call! It’s literally my job”

“I thought you were a bartender?” Twilight said

“We both know that isn’t true Twilight.” Dagmire said bluntly

Twilight thought about it for a moment and remembered the secret room.

“Anyway let’s go.” Dagmire said as he began walking up the slope

Fluttershy was scared but also determined. She nervously began her climb behind most of the group. She needed answers.

-twenty minutes later...

“Thanks again man. I uh don’t do well on slippery slopes.” Clearance admittedly said while piggyback riding Dagmire

“No problem! Besides you let me ride on your shoulder when you were big. And now I can finally return the favour!” Dagmire said with a hidden grin under his mask

“...where are the others?” Clearance asked

Dagmire stopped climbing and looked down the mountain. The ponys were having a small bit of difficulty climbing the mountain due to their biology

“Huh. I guess it would be difficult to climb without hands.” Dagmire sheepishly said

“Dude you have hands and legs. Trust me. It’s a bitch without both” Clearance stated

“Ok. Let’s wait for them so they can catch up.”

“Alright. Just set me down near that tree. I don’t wanna slide off this mountain...again”

Dagmire set Clearance down beside the tree and Clearance wrapped his body around the bark

“...alright! I’m good for now. So anyway why are they having so much trouble with the smoke anyway?” Clearance asked

“Probably aren’t used to fire and brimstone. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

“Why would it be bad?”

“Well for starters they aren’t exactly used to conflict of any kind from what I’ve seen. Basically if this dragon decided to be an ass and burn down the town they would be helpless”

“Well I guess...”

“It’s been so weird living here. Seriously. When I was in jail the inquisitor only broke three ribs when I wouldn’t “expose my evil plan”. Seriously. I’ve never seen a more pissed off person and they did less damage than an unlucky run up the stairs”

“Really? That kinda ruins the point of an inquisitor doesn’t it”

“Yep. Also the prick that broke my mask ran out of the room screaming. Honestly that hurt more than the ribs did.”

“Why didn’t you turn him to stone?” Clearance asked

“I might have your eye but I still lack the magic to do that. Seriously the amount of magical energy required to turn someone to stone is ridiculous. If you were human you would probably be a master wiz- oh. OH. TECHNICALLY you are a little bit human because you have my eye!”

“Wait so your telling me that I can use magic?”

“Well if you get a wand yes”

“Why do I need a wand? I’ve never needed one to turn people to stone?”

“Well if you cast a fireball and it backfires your claws wont explode”

“Oh”

“Yep. You gotta be careful man”

“So where can I get a wand?”

“Well anything inherently magical can be used as a wand if it’s strong enough. I think I’ve still got the blade of the hydra somewhere at home...but I always carry a shard with me in case of emergency”

Dagmire reaches into his bag and pulls out a green stained glass shard and snaps the glass blade in two. Two more stained glass shards sprouted from the weapon’s crude hilt.

“Here. Try this” Dagmire said while handing the crude weapon to Clearance

Clearance studied the shard with curiosity and his left eye began shining a brilliant purple as he thrusted the shard into the air. The shard sparkled and a massive beam of multi coloured light poured out of the blade. Clearance threw the shard down instinctively and the shard exploded.

And just like that they were all at the top of the mountain

“What? Where are we?” Twilight asked

“We are at the top of the mountain. Your welcome” Clearance said

“Woah... wait where’s Dagmire?” Applejack asked

Clearance looked over the cliff and saw Dagmire still on the ledge they were on just a moment ago. When clearance looked back he noticed he moved the tree as well and was still wrapped around it.

“Hey rainbow do you think you could get Dagmire?”

“Woah he’s way too heavy for that!”

Clearance pointed behind himself to show rainbow that Dagmire was flying up the mountain by flapping his arms hard with his boots in his backpack

“Woah...”

“Yep. When he’s in a pinch he literally just goes up and away by doing that.”

“He looks like an idiot”

“Well someone has to go and play the part of the fool” Dagmire replies while finally reaching the top and quickly putting on his boots

“Alright So apparently I can do magic!” Clearance said

“We can worry about that later. We got a dragon to politely ask to leave” Dagmire said while casually walking into the cave and ignoring all of Twilight’s warnings

Dagmire approached the dragon and began bopping the large creature’s nose. The dragon awoke and looked curiously at Dagmire

“And who might you be...Wait”

The dragon sniffed the air and looked at Dagmire with wide eyes. The dragon began uproariously laughing at Dagmire as he simply stood there. After a moment of this the dragon calmed down and spoke

“Oh by the gods Smaug actually did it! That crazy basterd was actually telling the truth! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Dagmire continued to stand there

“OH MY SIDES! tell me little one *snicker* how does it feel to be the love child of the *snicker* great Smaug, the matriarch of the gaurd... AND AN ALPACA! HAHAHAHA!”

“Eh. Like both of them had some very fucked up fetishes. Also Smaug was my grandpa. Anyway could you please-” Dagmire bluntly said before being interrupted

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

”don’t mock me again. I know where you live you son of a bitch”

“Haha th-the only basterd child here is y-you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Dagmire while seething in rage takes off his mask and looks directly into the eyes of the dragon while his own begin shining...

“Ok he’s been in there long enough. I’m going in!” Rainbow shouted before suddenly stopping.

The sound of scrapping stone invaded the ponys ears and they all covered them in an attempt to get the horrid sound to stop. Eventually the sound left and when everyone finally got back up they saw Dagmire with his mask on dragging a large statue frozen with a smile on its face

“Hey Clearance! I can turn shit to stone!”

“Hell yeah!”

The ponys jaws all dropped

Look before you sleep: “roll for sleep”

Author's Note

“I PET ITS HEAD!”
*rolls nat 20*

“You kill the bear by petting it too hard and as the blood of the innocent hits your hand you contract blood distortion syndrome”

“FUCK YOU! GET BEAR AIDS YOU EVIL SADISTIC BITCH!”

-a dnd conversation I overheard once

Look before you sleep: “roll for sleep”

After releasing the dragon from its stony prison, a quick battle ensued when he was a sore loser and decided to attack Dagmire. Fluttershy shut that shit down quickly and a day passed.

Dagmire was just boarding up the windows and preparing for the storm that supposedly was coming. Apparently the snakes go from passive to absolutely ballistic when it rains.

“Alright Clearance! Were all good. So your sure that twilight is fine with us staying the night?”

“Yep! I told her that it’s somewhat important so we should be good to go!”

A bolt of thunder struck a tree beside the bar and suddenly the snake pit opened and snakes blasted out erratically. Dagmire and Clearance quickly bolted out of the door and slammed it shut. They sprinted across the town in an attempt to get inside before the storm intensified and managed to follow rarity and applejack inside of Twilight’s house

“Thanks for letting us all stay Twilight!” Dagmire expressed with gratitude

“No problem guys! You can join in on the slumber party!”

“Huh? What’s a slumber party?” Dagmire asked

“What’s the point of partying while asleep?” Clearance enquired

“No you don’t party while your asleep. You basically here sleep overnight after we do a bunch of fun activities!” Twilight explaind

“Ok then...” Dagmire said while rarity was complaining about something

“So what’s first?”

“Well the book says that makeovers-“

Dagmire quickly gave a peace sign and with a flash of his mask and an explosion of croissants in his wake he was gone the moment Twilight uttered the word makeover

“...what was that about?” Clearance said while not noticing the evil grin of the two unicorns behind him

Suddenly Dagmire shattered the window and grabbed Clearance

“LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND!”

Dagmire then with Clearance in his grip flew backwards through the window as if he was in reverse. Even the glass went back into place. Quickly recovering from the shock twilight grabbed the essentials...

Ten minutes passed and after they were done with the mud masks and scary stories Dagmire and Clearance fell out of the ceiling panel they were hiding in.

Dagmire looked at rarity who looked at applejacks hoof (for a reason That Dagmire couldn’t find) as applejack gave rarity a deadpan look.

“...sup?” Dagmire asked casually

“Oh you’re just in time! Were are about to make “s’mores” I’m so excited!”

Dagmire decided not to ask what a s’more was as he was currently focusing on the strange small white cylinder shaped objects in a bag twilight pulled out.

Remaining cautious and remembering the time Stella convinced Dagmire to try hay, Dagmire politely turned down the strange treats

Dagmire watched with curiosity as they skewered a white cylinder and began roasting them over a fire.

They put them on some gram crackers and ate them (after rarity and applejack fought a bit more) and then they began playing a game called truth or dare

“So your telling me this is just a game of vicious mockery?” Dagmire said with interest

“Well I wouldn’t say it like that but basically yes” Twilight said

“Alright I’m in!” Dagmire said finally ready to participate in an activity

“Me too!” Clearance echoes

The game started off with applejack in a dress and rarity soaking wet due to the rain. Before they could argue some more Dagmire quickly cut in and took his turn

“Alright Twilight! Truth or dare?” Dagmire asked

“Truth” Twilight said playing it safe

“Ok...what are you afraid of” Dagmire said while fishing for prank material

“Snakes, bats and rats” Twilight said too giddy to be embarrassed

“Ok Clearance truth or dare?” Twilight asked

“Truth” Clearance said

“Ok...how did you use magic on the mountain” Twilight said with all the subtlety of the Spanish Inquisition

“I don’t know” Clearance said honestly and smugly at how he dodged the question

“Alright Dagmire! Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Dagmire stated

Clearance gave a sly smile that promised embarrassment and regret

“I dare you to go without your magic for the rest of the night”

Dagmire began sweating profusely and then suddenly sighed

“Fine. Twilight could you follow me to the bathroom for a moment? I’m not giving him the pleasure of seeing it happen” Dagmire said grudgingly

Twilight follows Dagmire to the bathroom and as she casts the spell a blinding light explodes and suddenly Dagmire was gone. In his place (and clothing minus the mask) was a small fluffy alpaca. his hair had changed to a style similar to that of pinky but much less intense. Twilight looked confused at the creature until it spoke in Dagmire’s voice

“Let’s just get this over with” Dagmire said now in his true form

“W-what!?” Twilight stammered out

“Well we’ve got stuff to do. Come on then!” Dagmire said strangely joyfully while walking over to the door.

-meanwhile inside Twilight’s mind

“WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” helmet screamed

“I believe it’s called an “alpaca”. Apparently they are a rare species that were found very far Away from here” glasses said

“Wait so THATS Dagmire?!” Goggles exclaimed

“It appears so...” Slippers said while wide awake for the first time in two months

“Well we need to deal with him. He’s a threat to the slumber party manual!” Helmet stated while stomping her hoof

“Well Twilight is too stressed to deal with this rationally” glasses said

“Why?” Helmet inquired while looking back at the others:

Slippers was star struck, goggles had the goggles swapped out with binoculars that seemed to focus on Dagmire’s assets, and glasses was resting on a cloud in the shape of a nine

“What’s going on here?!” Helmet screamed

“I...I think Twilight’s flustered!” Glasses said with panic evident in her voice

“What?! But how?! He isn’t even a pony...ok nevermind that point was worthless the moment we saw him but still! What do we do!” Helmet said

“Hey he’s getting away!” Slippers said watching Dagmire finally figure out how to open the door with hooves and walk into the living room while Clearance chuckled at his appearance

“Well don’t just stand there! Defend him! Uh I’ll complement his tail!” Goggles said while she smashed into the dashboard and quickly formed a sentence

“...what did you do? Why is everypony starring at us?” Helmet asked

“I...told him he has a nice ass?”

Helmet slammed her head on the dashboard and quickly pressed the big red “awkward laughter” button with her hoof

“...Well ah mean we weren’t lying” a Twilight with a Stetson on said

“Yeah and at least rarity and applejack aren’t fighting anymore” party said with a spring in her imaginary step

“Wait hold on! Is Twilight blushing?!” Helmet cried in panic

The large door with many locks on it and many chains had a lock break

“Shit! If we keep going at this rate than we’ll unleash the dark fantasy’s!” Glasses exclaims with worry

“HOLD THE LINE!” Helmet screamed while moving Twilight back into the bathroom

“I got it!” Party said while sprinting to the dark door and propping a single chair against it

“Good job soldier! We need more chairs! Keep them coming!” Helmet said without realizing the speaker was on

-meanwhile in Twilight’s living room

“WE NEED MORE CHAIRS!” Twilight screamed out while retreating to the bathroom

“...I’m going to make garlic bread!” Dagmire said happily as if nothing had happened

Clearance smiled knowingly at Dagmire as he skipped into the kitchen and began rooting through the pantry

“What in tarnation is going on!?” Applejack screamed out in frustration

“Well he has difficulty being happy in his other form and the longer he stays in a form the more sad he gets. So every once in a while I have a wizard or something negate his magic and allow him to shift to the next form for a bit.” Clearance explaind to the two

“What?”

“Basically I let him run around as an alpaca because that’s the form he was born as and eventually a week later the mask’s magic kicks back in and he shifts back into his human form...and occasionally he turns into a dragon born for a bit.” Clearance said

“But darling where is the mask?” Rarity said momentarily forgetting about her and Applejack’s feud

“It disappears or something when this happens”

“Hey! Who wants garlic bread?” Dagmire asked while stepping out of the kitchen

“Oh I’ll have some” Clearance replies

“Ok! Here we go!” Dagmire said as he charged back into the kitchen

Applejack and Rarity were concerned about the sounds of metal striking metal in the other room. It sounded as if a massive brawl was taking place as steel met steel in the pursuit of glory and garlic bread.

Eventually everyone was at the table of the kitchen as they watched Dagmire defy many laws of physics as he zoomed around the kitchen and eventually stood at a stand still as he stared into an oven and waited for the bread to be done.

“Uh are you ok?” Applejack asked Dagmire

“Probably not” Dagmire said as he took out the garlic bread put it on the table and threw himself onto the couch before falling asleep immediately

“And there’s the crash. He’s out for the night” Clearance said while twilight began pulling out pillows in preparation for the oncoming fight

“Ok so now we are doing what’s called a pillow fight” Twilight explains as rarity and applejack dueled it out.

Clearance smiled and grabbed a pillow before charging into the fray

Meeting Zecora... again: second curse same as the first except there’s less alpaca, more fear of zebras and one very disgruntled author

Author's Note

“Did...did you just hit her with a squeaky hammer?”

“I’m sorry man. Chaos happened and suddenly things also happened”

-me trying to explain to my friends exactly what happened when things happened when I tried to do a thing to an anime lady

Meeting Zecora... again: second curse same as the first except there’s less alpaca, more fear of zebras and one very disgruntled author

Dagmire awoke with a start and he quickly realized that he was still an alpaca. He got out of the couch and began stretching as he let out a yawn.

“Morning” Clearance said groggily

“Good morning!” Dagmire replied happily

“We are going to cut off the whole “alpaca” thing for a bit. We gotta go see zecora” Clearance said while grabbing a backup mask from his satchel

“Ok! Here we go!” Dagmire said as the mask was put on him.

Blinding white light erupted and instead to returning to normal he ended up as a green scaled Dragonborn just like his father.

“Oh! Well I guess this is me for the next month or so. Eh beats being stuck in a nearly useless body” Dagmire casually said while adjusting the mask that oddly enough fitted his snout

“...”

Clearance was quiet as he looked at Dagmire in reflection

“What? Let’s go!” Dagmire said joyfully

“Right! Ok let’s go” Clearance said while leading the way

They both left and made their way to the forest after they prepared themselves at the bar for the possibility of a fight

“Alright So now we got about half an hour to get to her house-“

Suddenly a hooded zebra walked past them and entered the town

“Oh or she could come here I guess” Clearance said awkwardly

“Wait that’s her? Cool. Let’s say hi” Dagmire said happily

They followed the zebra through the town and saw everyone who was open suddenly close their shops when Zecora walked by

“Huh. Strange.” Dagmire stated

Zecora stopped in front of a shop that sells flowers and herbs (no not the weed type of herb. This is Equestria not Canada) and started digging into the ground with her hoof in what seemed to be frustration

“Hello!” Dagmire said causing the zebra to turn around

She seemed to inspect Dagmire for a moment but stopped when she spotted Clearance and smiled

“Hi Zecora! This is the friend I was talking about. His name is Dagmire” Clearance said happily

“Greetings my friend! It is good to see you again. I am Zecora of the trees of the everfree.” Zecora said

“Charmed. Anyway I was told you make masks?” Dagmire said

Zecora nodded and explained to Dagmire what masks she had while rhyming the whole time. She began leading them to her house in the forest not noticing the small filly that also followed.

After a moment of walking they heard applejack call out to apple bloom. Seeing the ponys were dangerously close to some rather shady flowers Zecora belted out a warning

“Beware! Beware, you pony folk! Those leaves of blue are not a joke!”

“you keep your creepy mumbo-jumbo to yourself, ya hear!” Applejack said while everyone except twilight and spike began shouting at Zecora.

This caused her to retreat back into the woods without Clearance and Dagmire

“Oh. Good. Now could you explain to me exactly what the heck you were all doing?” Dagmire said while trying his hardest to keep it PG

“*Gasp* oh no! She put a curse on Dagmire!” Pinky said in alarm

“Nah. I just got one of those faces” Dagmire said while giving a toothy grin to the elements

“I thought you said that the alpaca was your true form?” Twilight asked accusingly

“Listen are you sure you want to ask that question?” Dagmire said

“Ugh whatever. Point is that curses don’t exist!”

“Than what in tarnation is up with Dagmire” Applejack said with her southern drawl

“This is a curse-“

“AHAH!” Applejack cut in

“-But it’s one I’ve had since I was a small child” Dagmire finished a bit annoyed

Twilight completely fed up with the situation decided to just leave.

The rest of the group followed shortly after.

One day later Dagmire awoke with a start and slowly got out of bed. He made some breakfast and began washing a dirty mug when suddenly he heard a scream come from the library.

“Oh god I hope Cletus didn’t drop in on them.” Dagmire said with genuine concern

“Eh knowing him he’s still taking care of those porcupine’s on his farm.” Clearance said a bit drowsily

“Heh! I still prefer his name for them. Prickle-pigs” Dagmire said

“Well as long as we don’t say his name three times he shouldn’t pop up out of nowhere”

“Yeah. We might need him at some point though.

“(Sigh) whoever decided to give that hillbilly immortality was an idiot”

“Hey That “hillbilly” is my cousin! And he can still die!” Dagmire said defensively

Clearance rolled his eyes and smiled

“Well What should we do now?” Clearance asked

“Let’s go see what the others are up to.” Dagmire said while opening the door

two minutes later

“Spike?”

“(Snirk) Yeah Dagmire?”

“Why does Twilight’s horn look like it has erectile disfunction”

This sent spike into hysterics and Twilight was flush with embarrassment. The rest of the elements entered the library with strange afflictions as well

“Ok. So: pinky has been gagged with her own tongue, Twilight’s horn can’t get it up, rainbow Dash keeps ramming into shit like a goat on the sticky icky, Fluttershy sounds like the guy who sold the meth to said goat from before, and applejack is small” Dagmire summarized

The group expressed there outrage at their current situation and cursed Zecora more while Dagmire decided that he was done listening to their bitching. Dagmire left and made his way to the forest.

He eventually arrived at Zecora’s house/hut and explained the situation

She was a bit miffed that they ignored her warnings but she let it go quickly. Apple bloom entered the hut and Dagmire told her what was up while Zecora asked them to go collect ingredients.

A little bit later more shouting emanated from the hut and it was at this point that Dagmire was done with the element’s shit.

Instead of telling them off Dagmire elected to simply scream at them

“...what was that about?” Twilight asked

“Oh god I need a pint of the good stuff right now. It’s been nice seeing you Zecora but I’m going to go back to the bar. Your always welcome or something”

“Thank you Dagmire. But why are you so wrathful over such a small rut?”

“Hell if I know. Oh wait that’s right! I really dislike it when people shun others. Good by!” Dagmire said while jumping through the window to escape the hotbox of racism and save this poor author from the absolute shit show that was writing this sub par chapter

Winter wrap up: no Zecora doesn’t and never will rap about winter wrap up. You can’t make me go through that again

Author's Note

“If you didn't want to hear me play my heart will go on than why the hell did you buy a boat?”

-Dagmire the discorded on the grand voyage

Winter wrap up: no Zecora doesn’t and never will rap about winter wrap up. You can’t make me go through that again

Dagmire woke up and things were cold. Like they were last week. In the dark of the early morning Dagmire felt childish urge as his mask flashed and suddenly he was wearing a scarf and holding a sled. Dagmire asked Clearance to join him but he had vouched to stay indoors as he disliked the cold and it was 3 am. Dagmire shrugged and dove from his balcony anticipating the fun snowy joyride to come. He immediately ate shit and broke the sled upon coming into contact with the frozen snow free ground

“Ow. Where’d all the snow go?” Dagmire asked himself

“It’s winter wrap up tomorrow and I’m getting a head start!” Pinky joyfully said while dashing past Dagmire

“Cool.”

“No silly! The point is for it to be Warm!” Pinky corrected as she ran through the night with no real destination in mind

“Ok. Let’s go see twilight” Dagmire said

Dagmire was about to knock on the library door when he heard twilight and spike talking

“-saddle, check; boots, check; Spike refusing to get up and going back to sleep, check. It's a good thing I'm so organized, I'm ready. Bright and early!” Twilight said while opening the door... “Oh... maybe a little too early.” She said noticing the still and sleepy town

“Jump the gun?” Dagmire asked

“Dagmire? What are you doing here at...” twilight left to check the clock in the house. She shortly returned “-at 3 in the morning?”

“Eh it gives me time to play my music and practice singing” Dagmire said

“You sing?”

“Yep. Kinda hard to be a bard.” Dagmire said while mentally saving the catchphrase he just came up with

“Mind if I listen some time?” Twilight asked

“Sure. I’ll figure out a time and place or something” Dagmire said

“Great! Night!” Twilight said suddenly flustered as she slammed the door

“...the hell was that about?” Dagmire said as he went to the frozen lake he practices on

-5 hours later

Dagmire was confused.

He was given a vest that said his job was to clear up the iced over lake but when he was about to head out to do his job the ponys just started singing about winter coming to an end. Shrugging it off he went to the lake and saw the ponys skating on the surface of the lake

“What are you guys doing? Don’t we gotta break this ice?” Dagmire asked

“We are! We gotta weaken the top of it so the ponys in charge of demolition can break it easily” pinky said while skating circles around Dagmire

“Oh. I guess that makes sense. Alright let’s go!” Dagmire said as his mask flashed.

Dagmire reappeared upside down with ice skates on his hands.

“Damm it!” Dagmire said as his mask flashed again

This time he was right side up with skates on his feet...but he was going out of control. He slipped and caught himself in a hand-stand...

With the skates still on his hands.

Dagmire began flipping between right-side up and upside down rapidly like he was performing a bladed cartwheel. He quickly drilled through the ice while in this fashion and while everyone watched in awe at Dagmire’s strange “technique” as twilight who had been watching earlier had been dissuaded from attempting the ice due to fear of screwing up. She left Dagmire unaware that he had been screaming for help as he violently bounced around the ice.

-20 minutes later

“I’m sorry Dagmire! I thought you were having a great time!” Pinky said apologizing

“It’s fine. Besides I’ve spun faster than that.” Dagmire said

“Really?!”

“Yeah. Chaos and all that.” Dagmire said while standing up and dusting himself off.

In the distance Dagmire heard arguments and bitching so he cautiously approached

“-and Dagmire made the ice chunks too big to break with that stupid technique of his!” Rainbow said passing on the blame

“Actually rainbow that wasn’t planned at all. I was screaming for help for half an hour while I spun madly around until I broke through the ice!” Dagmire said angry

“...oops” rainbow awkwardly said

“It’s fine.” Dagmire said with a dismissive wave of his hand

“Rainbow Dash, y'all on the weather team need to melt the rest of the snow here on the ground and the trees, pronto.” applejack commanded

“Got it” rainbow said

“Wait. My poor little animals' homes will get flooded if the snow melts too fast.”

“Alright” rainbow replied

“I'm tellin' you, Rainbow, you gotta melt that snow now.”

“No you simply must wait” Fluttershy said

They went back and forth with their demands until rainbow got fed up and the mayor herself intervened

“Oh! What in Equestria are all you arguing about? This sort of silliness is why we were late for spring last year...and the year before that...and the year before that!” The mayor said

Twilight piped up after she heard the mayor

“Wait. Late?” She simply said

“I was hoping my amazingly inspirational speech would urge everyone to do better than last year, but now it looks like we're going to be later than ever. I mean just look at this catastrophe. The ice scorers made the ice chunks too big to melt-“

“Oi fuck off! It was a accident that could have really fucked someone up and NOT A SINGLE PONY helped me until I crashed into the snow bank!” Dagmire said his rage returning

“-The nest designer is horrendously behind, we need several hundred, and she's only made one.“ the mayor said while ignoring Dagmire’s outrage.

At this Dagmire threw his hands up into the air and flipped an invisible table...which promptly crashed and cracked all over the floor leaving an indent in the snow and ice. He then tried to leave and distance himself from the mayor before he did something he would regret.

To make a long story short: Twilight used the power of OCD to organize teams better and find self worth while spike fell in a frozen lake and had to be saved by Dagmire while the rest simply laughed.

After escorting spike back to twilight’s house, Dagmire returned to his bar.

“Hey! What’s a man gotta do to get a drink around here!” A human with a ninja headband said to Dagmire while Clearance was pinned to the wall with throwing stars

Dagmire sighed as he freed Clearance from the wall (to the man in orange’s confusion) and began washing a mug alongside Clearance

“Well you would probably have to pay” Dagmire said as he mentally prepared himself

A displaced? In my bar? it’s more likely than you think!: Dagmire the discorded tries to knock out a weeaboo before he blows up Ponyville

Author's Note

“Is ThAt A mOtHeR fUcKiNg JoJo ReFeRaNcE?!” - literally everyone who knows the jo’s

(Note the person in this story is just someone I made up to introduce this story to the displaced. There probably is already a Naruto displaced and please know that if that’s the case than this is a completely different Naruto from that person ( whoever they are). I’m looking forward to ~~free content~~ inviting other people to this shit show!)

A displaced? In my bar? it’s more likely than you think!: Dagmire the discorded tries to knock out a weeaboo before he blows up Ponyville

The man looked at the menu and paused when he saw Dagmire’s staple drink

“Snake beer?”

“Yep. Really popular for those wanting to prank someone. Basically it’s a glass snake with brew in it. It’s made inside the snake and it’s enchanted to move around like a snake. If you want I can also pour it into a regular mug if drinking from a snake is too much.” Dagmire explains

“Let’s cut to the real reason I’m here” the poorly dressed ninja said

“Alright. I’ll ask the first question. How did you find my bar?”

“Oh that was easy. I followed a chakra path through a glass window and it led to that staircase.” The man said

“Ok. Well what’s your question?”

“How did the merchant screw you over.”

“Wait what? Oh. OH GOD FUCKING DAMM IT.”

“What? Was it that bad?”

“Yes and it happened quite recently. That fucker made it so any overpowered displaced can easily come over bend us over AND SKULL FUCK US!” Clearance interjected

“Wait. Your not displaced? Where is-“

“We don’t have one. Just me.” Dagmire said

“Well I’ll be the judge of that!” The spiky haired man exclaimed as he threw a giant throwing star at Dagmire.

“...dude. What the fuck?” Dagmire calmly asked as the weapon got stopped by the bar rising up to protect its owners

“What! B-but how!” The man said stuttering for absolutely no reason (unless he was somehow shocked and disturbed by “rising wood”...gigidy)

“Ok first of all let’s start over. I’m Dagmire and I serve all who remain peaceful in my bar. And you are?”

“Naruto”

“Cool that tells me so much about who you are!” Dagmire said sarcastically

“...you’re going to pay for that.”

“Why? Why am I going to pay for that?”

“IM NOT A BUCKING LOSER!” Naruto said while getting angry for no reason

“What? When did I call you that?” Dagmire said trying to ignore the fact that Naruto used a pony swear word instead of a regular one

“Rrrrrgggaaaaaaa!” The person screamed as he charged towards Dagmire

“What the fuck is your deal!”

“RASANGAN BARRAGE!”

Dagmire was blasted through the wall behind him and the few ponys remaining in the streets scattered

“Hehe. Gotcha!” Naruto said mockingly

“(Welp it’s a man-child with the body of some ninja guy. Some guy needs to lay off the anime a bit)” Dagmire thought

“Now your evil companion is next” Naruto said while suddenly feeling a chill up his spine. As Dagmire’s mask flashed and he teleported behind

”Bitch i think the fuck not”

“N-Nani?” The ninja said before getting pile-drived through a table

Dagmire quickly threw the displaced through a window and returned him to his own reality.

“Oh thank fuck. If that guy didn’t act like a monologuing villain That could have been much worse” Dagmire said thankful for his Chaotic luck and for only partially cracking his skull

“I think we may have to switch you back to a human to heal that. You know as well as I do about how hard it is to do surgery on a dragon-born.” Clearance said.

Dagmire swapped masks and his form shifted to a human once more after ye olde blast of light.

“Alright let’s get to the hospital”

“Yay stitches!”

“Let’s go.”

“Wait. Unless we make one of those token things I doubt shit like this is going to stop.”

“Your playing into your uncles hands.” Clearance advised

“Well maybe he can learn to fuck right off. Anyway until we can find a better way to control my chaos we need to make sure they don’t try and hunt me down because I’m related to that evil bastard. I might have a similar magical signature to the fucker but as you know my magic is about as reliable and useful as the ring of detect fire.” Dagmire said as the split in his skull let out a spurt of blood

“Still don’t know who thought a ring that literally just says “yep that’s fire” was a good idea” Clearance said distracted

“Wizards man. Wizards”

Dagmire took a glass snake and focused as he spoke.

“Hello I’m Dagmire and this glass snake is a token. you aren’t hallucinating. Yes it’s full of beer. If you need a drink or someone to talk to than I’m your guy. No I’m not a displaced. I’m the son of a displaced and I ain’t got shit but chaos so don’t expect me to ride in on my cart of magical bullshitery and save the day. Also no I don’t offer happy endings. Anyway I’ve made this too long. If you wanna come and visit then just grab a mug, pour it in and drink the fucker.”

The snake rose up on its own as Dagmire let go and it disappeared.

“Alright now let’s get shitfaced!” Dagmire said forgetting what he was just doing

“No. I’m taking you to the hospital. You lost a lot of blood and I think you’re delusional”

“Thanks Clearance. Your the best- why is my head red?” Dagmire said before passing out

-20 minutes later

“Well it seems like Dagmire was extraordinarily lucky. If It weren’t for the straps on the back of your mask keeping your head together than you would probably have lost a bit of your head. We patched you up with stitches and I recommend you stay in bed for at least a week before leaving.” Doctor hooves said

Instead of being a stubborn arse and getting up anyway Dagmire slumped back into the bed and got comfortable

-one week of rest with the best later

Dagmire entered his bar and began washing dishes when suddenly a man who had the “I want to speak with your manager” hair smashed through the window

“WHERE IS NARUTO!” The edge lord screamed

“Back the way you came. He blasted me through a wall and was a complete ass. Go back the way you came and look for glass shards and a lost flip flop”

“...thank you.” The cloaked figure said before leaping through the window again”

EDGE LORD CRISIS AVERTED

Falling leaves: inactivity is just the first step to fragility

Author's Note

“If you cut me do I not bleed? If you put me in a pipe do you not smoke me?”- Dagmire on his resiliency

Well this chapter is basically the one that proves that Dagmire’s past victories were mostly flukes and luck.

This is going to be bad

Falling leaves: inactivity is just the first step to fragility

It was a bright and sunny day in Ponyville. Children were singing, birds were singing and the adults were...also singing.

Literally everything was fucking singing for some reason and this made Dagmire feel a bit useless. After all: what good is a bard in a world that breaks out into song more often than he did?

Every time Dagmire attempted to sing about his journeys through the lands while at the bar someone always upstaged him.

He could accept Clearance being the chosen one and unintentionally making Dagmire a third wheel. He was quite proud of Clearances growth as a person. He could tolerate the bigotry and hypocrisy that seemed to plague the lands as usually it ended with one of the elements learning a valuable lesson.

But singing?

FUCK NO

Singing was all he had. It was all he WAS. Without it... He’s just some twit playing the part of the fool.

Dagmire needed validation. Proof that he can do SOMETHING other than get booted out of the spotlight.

He needs to steal the entire damm stage.

And so his quest to stop feeling like a soy boy began. He looked all over town for an opportunity to shine and impress.

He found none.

Feeling hopeless Dagmire followed Clearance to sweet apple acres. Then he heard something that gave him a chance to prove himself.

CHALENGE PISSING!

“I challenge you to an Iron Pony competition. A series of athletic contests to decide who's the best, once and for all.” Rainbow said going on the offensive

“You know what, Rainbow? You're on.” Applejack said while sporting a grin

“And I’m getting involved too!” Dagmire said more as a demand than a request

“Fine by me. Just try and keep up” rainbow said mockingly

“I’ll do more than that. Ima put you both in the dirt!” Dagmire said aggressively

“Oh it’s on!” Applejack said

-20 minutes later

“Ah’m sorry Dagmire. I didn’t mean to throw you through the table” applejack said half sorry-half smug

“Hehe. Nice going” rainbow said competitively

“Dude did you forget that even with your boots you only weigh as much as a dumbbell?” Clearance asked

“Eh they’ll be sorry when we come to MY challenge” Dagmire said

They moved on and twilight joined in as the score keeper as spike did commentary.

Dagmire did well on the barrel’s... and then he was easily beaten by both rainbow and applejack.

“Nuts and chews! Still, that's 22 seconds. Still ah’m not in last so not too shabby. Hey, don't be nervous. Remember, it's all in good fun.” Applejack said to rainbow

The next event began and Dagmire was quickly snapped to attention by the fact that spike was getting thrown around like a ball as he struggled to hold on to applejack

“WOAH HOLD UP!” Dagmire shouted at applejack causing her to stop

“HEY HE INTERRUPTED HER TURN! PENALTY!” Rainbow shouted aggressively

“Why the hell is spike getting the tar beaten out of him!” Dagmire demanded

“He HAS a Helmet! Ten second penalty!” Twilight declared

“You know what? Screw this. I came into this hoping to find SOMETHING that makes me less useless! But THIS I didn’t sign up for.” Dagmire said angrily

“Well I guess that makes you a quitter!” Rainbow said cruelly

The word bounced around in Dagmire’s head and taunted him.

“You know what? Put me in.” Dagmire said giving rainbow a death glare

“Ok. But then applejack has to go again after rainbow” twilight said

“Deal” Dagmire said as he gently pulled spike off and set him on twilight’s back. He instantly fell asleep

“Oh I’m going to enjoy this” rainbow said

Twilight started the show and rainbow kicked with all her might to get the light human off her but he held an iron grip as she threw him back and forth. Suddenly she flew into the air and slammed Dagmire into the ground. A sickening crunch was heard as Dagmire hit the mud and rainbow got up triumphantly. A devilish grin was present on her face as Dagmire slowly got up.

“Dude you need to let spike go next. Your injury’s will open up again!” Clearance said with concern for his friend

“Oh not yet. He still has to do applejack. How else will we know who’s the iron pony?” Rainbow said

“...you may begin when she leaves the pen” twilight said as Rainbow helped Dagmire on to applejacks back

Applejack kicked and bucked and Dagmire began feeling light headed as as he continued. Without the underhanded tactic rainbow pulled Dagmire held on longer until he was thrown into the fence

“Rainbow dash wins this round!” Twilight said

“YEAH! IN YOUR FACE!” Rainbow shouted at applejack

They moved on to the next event and after the previous round Dagmire couldn’t even lift up the mallet. Applejack kicked the thing and won easily as rainbow grumbled

Dagmire couldn’t think straight as he limped to the next event

“Dude stop. You lost. You aren’t even in the competition anymore” rainbow stated

Dagmire simply stared. She was confused until she realized he was staring THROUGH her.

“This is the final event!” Twilight said.

All that played in Dagmire’s head was a ringing sound. And the hood of his tormentors cloaked the ponys around him. The crowd cheering and demanding bloodshed.

“Next prisoner” the hooded fiend declared as the rope he held in his hands turned to chains. A dark pit of bubbling tar lied in front of him as well as another prisoner on the other side. One voice amongst the crowd screamed for them to stop as Dagmire was was tied to the other prisoner

“The winner of this test will be the kings next gladiator. And the loser...” the fiend laughed a menacing twisted laugh as the other prisoner quickly yanked the chain and threw Dagmire’s head into the boiling liquid.

His opponent let out an uproarious noise in victory as Dagmire screamed and violently struggled while kicking and writing in an attempt to free himself. He couldn’t. Not again. NEVER again. He broke free and sprinted through the cheering crowd as he ran Deep into the woods. A sickening crunch was heard behind him and he saw something that brought him back to reality. Clearance had punched Rainbow so hard that a tooth went loose. Dagmire looked on at the crowd as they stared in terror and confusion. He had mowed a path through a few ponys in his mad dash to get away. Dagmire matched their terror when he noticed his mask was wedged in the mud

“Oh my! Look at his face!”

“What happened to him?!”

“Don’t look at it sweetie”

“I’m just a part of the crowd! HUNG-!” A pony said while having a heart attack and collapsing on the spot.

As the crowd focused on the pony having a heart attack Dagmire fell to his knees and cried

“What was that for?!” Rainbow asked Clearance

Clearance simply pointed to Dagmire having a breakdown

“Congratulations. Your the iron pony. And just like an iron pony you have no brain and no heart.” Clearance said resisting the urge to finish the job

“What are you talking about” rainbow said

Clearance simply grabbed the whimpering Dagmire and took him back to the bar.

“What was that all about?” Rainbow said ignoring the trail of blood Dagmire dragged from the rodeo pit

You wanna know how Dagmire got these scars?!: the start of something tragic and/or beautiful

Author's Note

“Reality can be whatever I wa. You should know this by now”-Waluigi talking to Thanos in endgame

And now we are going to have a bit of backstory on our depressed jester

You wanna know how Dagmire got these scars?!: the start of something tragic and/or beautiful

Dagmire sat in his room still a bit shaky. A whole two months passed and he still felt the pain as clear as day. His room was in ruin and covered in scratchings and mad scrawlings on the walls and floor. Not wanting his friends to worry he covered up most of the writing with posters.

“Dagmire?” Clearance asked softly

“Yes?” Dagmire replied wearily

“I think we should go out for a bit. We are worried about you.” Clearance said

“...ok.” Dagmire said attempting to get out of bed

Due to his injuries from the competition he walked with a limp as he made his way out the door. The elements were all there with looks of disbelief and horror

“Oh my...it’s much worse than we thought” rarity said

Rainbow and applejack remained silent as if a single word would set Dagmire off. They seemed to be in a condition similar to Dagmire’s with guilt written on their faces

“Listen. If you need someone to talk to than we are always here.” Twilight said

“...actually” Dagmire said getting their hopes up

“I think I will tell you all a story. My story. If you are all interested than...well come back in half an hour. I need time to prepare” Dagmire said while putting on a fake smile

“Alright. We’ll see you then buddy” rainbow finally spoke.

-37 minutes later

The ponys arrived at the bar and no lights were on. They entered and called out Dagmire’s name. Suddenly the stage lights turned on revealing Dagmire without a shirt on seemingly showing them off.

“Come. Have a seat.” Dagmire said while having the pony’s sit back in recliners

An extra guest followed rainbow in and gawked at Dagmire’s scars.

“...well have a seat Gilda. You deserve to know as well” Dagmire said as they all sat down.

The recliners didn't really work that well with the pony’s body structure but they and Gilda sat down in them anyway

“You wanna know how I got these scars? My father was once a regular man. He went to a convention, a costume event if you don’t know what that is, and dressed up as a character of his own creation. While there he saw a familiar face running a booth. This man was his brother and my uncle. Many hate and despise “the merchant” for what he does to them but my father? He was none the wiser. So when offered a special deal on the vault key his costume was missing he took it without hesitation. This my friends is where shit hits the fan.” Dagmire said while pacing around the stage

The ponys were listening avidly as Dagmire spoke. Pinky pie was munching on popcorn and Dagmire stoped until she sheepishly tossed the bag

“Alright. So basically my father feels strange. Like a feeling in the back of your mind that just screams at you when you feel something’s off. He collapsed as my uncle laughed and then he started to change. The plastic imitation of his character seemed to melt into his skin as he shivered. His face warped and twisted until it became an almost reptilian snout. This is where he gets booted into the world of :();;))3?$ as a child with no memory of what happened or who he is.

Nineteen years later he has grown up without a coin to his name and a sabotaged family and decides to have a rather unique night with a general of his towns guard. I’m not getting into details but let’s just say a magic alpaca was involved and this is when I was conceived. I never saw him again for reasons I never found out. He was the one who gave me the mask I first had on when I arrived.

It was cursed and after being captured by a false kings knights I had activated the curse after... well I’m going to be honest. This part is very brutal. If you-“

“It’s fine. We can handle it.” Gilda said softly while Fluttershy gave a hesitant nod

“Alright. So basically from ages five to twenty I was whipped and beaten everyday. Somehow I always got back up. My reasons were not to simply get out of there. But to make the basterd king pay. After a while he started maiming people in many ways to set examples. As you can tell by my face...well I lost. I was being drowned in a lake of boiling tar. The only reason I’m still here is a certain person gave me a chance to escape. I kicked free of the hooded man and sprinted into the armoury and grabbed the only thing I owned that was important to me. My mask. I put it on and suddenly the court wizard teleported me in front of the king in chains. He taunted me and hit me over and over again... than all the hatred I had for him activated the curse...suddenly I was dressed like a jester and my mask had two halves: one of light and one of dark. A cannon ball smashed through the stained glass above him and I grabbed a shard while he was pre-occupied with the damage. Clutching it hard enough to make me bleed the king forgot my chains were just close enough for me to grab him. I threw him back with all of my might...than I ran him through. Over and over I repaid his debt as I just... I just started stabbing, stabbing and laughing.” Dagmire said said losing his composure

“A man who was almost as tall as I was walked back into the room and shattered my chains. I walked over to the king once more and pulled the shard out...but instead of a glass shard I somehow pulled this scythe out instead. I put his crown on my head and heard a voice:

“Are you the bringer of apocalypse?” The voice spoke

“BITCH I AM THE APOCALYPSE!” I replied not really in the right state of mind

“You are not the demigorgon and he will come to finish your pitiful world off. Where is the king?”

“I killed him. And tell the gorgon he’s next” I said with a laugh

The voice also laughed and said “I would like to see you try”

The crown turned to a powdery sand and planing to throw it in the eyes of the basterd’s who Condemned me to this fate I followed the large man as I set off to save the world... twenty years passed since I met Clearance and he helped me with my eye as I slowly began losing the bit of muscle I had. A paladin obsessed with order came into the bar and what happened next was kinda fuzzy. But whatever it was it’s what transported me to Equestria. A few months later and here we are.” Dagmire concluded as he put back on his mask

It was quiet for awhile as they digested the information. And Dagmire was suddenly being hugged by Gilda. The ponys shortly joined in and Dagmire felt welcomed.

“Ok. I feel a lot better for getting that off my chest. Thank you”

“We will always be here for you Dagmire. But I got a question. How did you figure out the truth about your dad?” Gilda asked

“Well one day before we left to fight the apocalypse I received his journal in the mail. Apparently he found out through some type of memory spell and sent me his journal” Dagmire explains

“...wanna get shitfaced?” Gilda asked to the elements horror

Dagmire simply smiled and poured some shots of whiskey

One week of therapy later: A very dapper baskalisk and a guessing game

Author's Note

“Trauma couch? Nah man. That’s just a longer sled with extra steps” -Dagmire the discorded a few days before winter wrap up

One week of therapy later: A very dapper baskalisk and a guessing game

Dr.trauma quill was talking to what she was told was a victim of severe PTSD. She listened attentively as the creature began talking about one of his “adventures”.

“So imagine my and Stella’s surprise when the four horses of the apocalypse show up without the horse-men! We managed to get war to leave with Stella tricking it into thinking we were one of the horsemen. Imagine my surprise when suddenly a few hours later I was escorting the pale horse himself into a room. Honestly one of the best costumers I had in a while. He was very polite and-

patient showing signs of previous hallucinations and mania as he recounts the time that death itself had ended up aiding him on his quest to “save the world” it appears he fully believes this happened to him after his trauma. For now it will be good to simply keep him talking. the therapist wrote down as Dagmire talked. She took a sip of her coffee and asked Dagmire to continue as she mentally prepared herself for a long day.

Clearance was pacing (or slithering if you want to get technical) the halls with concerns for his friend. Dagmire had gone into therapy again. He was anxious and getting increasingly worried as every session seemed to last longer than the previous one. He needed a distraction. Thinking hard he thought about his friends and the ones he hadn’t quite helped yet. On that list only rarity and rainbow remained. Clearance set out to find something to do to alleviate his nerves.

As Clearance walked into the carousal boutique he caught the end of a conversation between Rarity, Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow dash

“-I'll make one for you and you and all of you. Oh! And of course Pinkie and Fluttershy too. Oh, and when I'm done, we can hold our very own fashion show!” Rarity said with stars in her eyes

“What a great idea! If you're sure you can handle it.” Twilight said

“Oh, it'll be a little bit of work, but it will be a wonderful boost for my business. Plus, fun!” Rarity said hopefully

“Mind if I get in on this Rarity?” Clearance asked hopefully

“Why not at all! I’d bet you would look absolutely dashing in a suit! Hmm... well what about Dagmire? I guess he is joining along?” Rarity said unsure of weather or not Dagmire is mentally well enough

“Nah Dagmire is still in therapy.” Clearance said

“Well alright... I think I have something for a gentlecolt like him...” Rarity said

“So all you have to do is make a different, stunning, original, amazing outfit for one, two, three, four, five... plus yourself, six ponies one...whatever Clearance is and a human lickety split?” Applejack asked concerned

Rarity sprung to work at a speed that was uncommon for the prim and proper unicorn. She was sewing and stitching many things at once with her magic as she sang a little song. Within the next hour the ponys and Clearance were instructed to come back inside the boutique as they were told to keep their eyes shut

“That's it. Keep them closed. Don't look...Okay, you can look now!” Rarity called

Everyone gasped at the designs

“These are your new outfits. What do you think of your old duds now, Applejack? Pretty swanky, are they not? And Twilight! I made this dress for you and I designed each outfit theme to perfectly reflect each pony's unique personality. Oh, it took me forever to get the colors right on this one, Rainbow Dash, but I did it. Oh, and it turned out beautiful, don't you think? And I know you are going to love yours, Fluttershy. It just sings spring! And Pinkie Pie, look! Pink! Your favorite! Aren't they all amazing?” Rarity finished with a pause to hear the reaction

“Wow... They're...” Twilight said but couldn’t finish

“Yeah, they're...” Rainbow said drawing a blank like Twilight

“They sure are... somethin'.” Applejack said trying to hide her frown

“Yes! Something.” Twilight said hastily

“I love something! Something is my favourite!...what about you Cleary?” Pinky asked attempting to change the subject

“I love it. Look at the texture on that! And the hole in the bottom! I can wear this easily!” Clearance said gratefully

This put a smile on Rarity’s face... until:

“Mine's just not as cool as I was imagining.” Rainbow said as blunt as snoop dog’s weed

“I guess what we're all saying is that they're just not what we had in mind.” Twilight said.

The rest of the group (except Clearance) agreed

“That's okay. Not a problem. There's plenty more where that came from. They were only a first pass. You're my friends and I want you to be 110% satisfied. Not to worry, I'll redo them.” Rarity said collecting the dresses while trying to hide her hurt expression

“No I’m happy with this! I’m good!” Clearance said while clinging to his dapper ensemble

“Alright. If your truly happy with it you can keep it.” Rarity said with a genuine smile

Clearance nodded and took his clothes and Dagmire’s suit while he headed home.

Clearance had come to the fashion show not necessarily because he was interested in fashion. (He only recently learned that his suit made him look something called dapper) but because his friends were performing in the show.

As the show went on Clearance saw designs of many shapes and sizes and to his surprise he was the only one clapping for most of them. Than the judge spoke

“Oh, those amateurish designs look like a piled-on mishmash of everything but a kitchen sink! It's a travesty is what it is. Those outfits are the ugliest things I've ever seen, oh for shame. Who is responsible for subjecting our eyes to these horrors? Not to mention wasting my valuable time. For Celestia’s sake that strange creature in the crowd is wearing a better design! And it’s a baskalisk!” She said while the spotlight focused on Clearance

“And that’s supposed to mean what?” Clearance snapped at the judge

Although he knew nothing about fashion Clearance knew all about insults and threats (especially after being on the receiving end of many)

“...nothing good sir! I’m simply complaining your unique ensemble. And now that I look closer the colours complement your scales quite well” she said focusing more on the suit than its occupant

“Why thank you!” Clearance said switching from hostile to friendly at the drop of a hat

“And just look at the material! I simply must know where you got it from!” She asked

“Well actually I got it from lady Rarity” Clearance said with pride

While Clearance was talking to the judge the other elements put on the original outfits Clearance retrieved from the trash and spike announced that the real show was starting.

“-And our rouge wouldn’t stop talking about how big his dick was so I told him to go use his dick like a lock pick if it was so big. He dropped his pants and actually stuck his thing into the lock of the chest...only to find it was a mimic! The party laughed as he tried to pull it out of the now pissed and trapped box! HaHa! Oh I miss the crazy guy!” Dagmire finished

“Oh. Well our time is up! If you need to talk again just call bye!” The therapist said as she shoved Dagmire out of her office.

“Ok. Thanks again doc!”

“No problem!” Dagmire said as his mask flashed and he disappeared

“Oh thank the heavens. I thought he was going to drive me mad!”

The door shut with a click and suddenly when she turned around another pony was on the couch

“...who are you?” The dr said

“Oh just somepony in need of information on a client of yours.” The pony said while standing up to their full height revealing holes in the pony’s legs.

“He’s tall, masked and most definitely a problem”

“Miss you need to leave-“

Suddenly a flash of green magic blasted the doctor and she was covered in a green cocoon

The attacker laughed at her prey and transformed into her until another flash of magic caused both the psychiatrist and the imposter to be caught in a straight-jacket.

Suddenly Dagmire turned around in the psychiatrist’s office chair dramatically

“Well. Dr.quill The turns have been tabled.” Dagmire said

“Oh thank Celestia! This imposter tried to kidnap me!” The changeling said

“What?! She’s lying!”

“Regardless of who’s real and fake don’t forget that I have you both by the metaphorical balls” Dagmire reminded them

“I’m going to ask a question. Whoever answers correctly wins freedom. I hope you remembered our session!”

“Can’t we do something else?” Both doctors said at the same time

“Ok. This is the tuna of Truth. It swims towards the truth. So I’m going to ask you a question and you should both answer.”

Before they could complain Dagmire began and the fish seemed to swim through the air like water

“Question one. What is the speed of an air laden swallow.” Dagmire asked

“What? We never-“ suddenly the imposter was interrupted by a fish slap.

“WRONG. Question two. Were you aware that the door I left from was made of glass and I actually know who the imposter is?”

Mimicking the fish of truth the imposter’s mouth dropped

“...no answer? Alright. Question three. Did you know that there is no dr trauma quill?” Dagmire asked the imposter as Stella took off her costume

“What? B-but I-“

“Your fucked. Your just fucked.”

The changeling had been caught hook line and sinker at its own game. It felt shame before being clocked in the back of the head and blacking out much to the dismay of the hive mind

“Gentle persuasion”: Dagmire calls in a favour

Author's Note

“Karen took the undead hordes” -Langthan The good necrodancer on Why he joined the group

“Gentle persuasion”: Dagmire calls in a favour

When the changeling awoke it was bound to cart. It’s horn was covered in something that was cutting it off from the rest of the hive mind.

“Hey you! your finally awake. You were caught crossing the border right?”

The changeling looked around in confusion and noticed two very large ponys were driving the cart.

“What?” It asked

“Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.” The blond creature said

“Is this some kind of joke?” The changeling asked as the cart nears what looked to be a small town

“Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that horse and be halfway to Hammerfell. You there.”

The creature looked at the changeling

“You and me - we shouldn't be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants.” The thief said

“We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief.” The blond said

“Quiet back there!” The driver yelled

“Watch your tongue. You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King.” Another captive said

“Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they've captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?”

“WHAT THE BUCK IS HAPPENING?!” The changeling finally yelled

“I don't know where we're going, but Sovngarde awaits.” The blond said.

The cart stopped and the prisoner’s were extracted.

“Wait. Who are you?”

“I-I’m thrak” The changeling nervously answered

“He’s not on the list” the creature said filling the changeling with hope

“Execute him anyway” the chief said

“What?!”

“I’m sorry”

The thief ran as the chief was distracted and was promptly shot with arrows in a brutal display at her command. The changeling shat itself as it realized exactly what it was dealing with as a guard moved it to the execution

The creature with a bandana was promptly executed in front of the changeling. It tried to escape its bonds as it was being was moved to the block and was forced into a resting position. The executioner raised his ax and as it was brought down on the neck of the panicked changeling suddenly it was punched in the face.

The changeling was on a chair under a chandelier and Dagmire was in front of him

“Enjoy your trip thrak?” Dagmire said

“Wh-What?”

“Thanks for the help langthan.” Dagmire spoke to a hooded man being guarded by a skeleton

“No problem.”

“Where am I?” The changeling asked

“Hell” Dagmire replied

“What’s-“

“Who are you working for?” Dagmire demanded

Suddenly it clicked in the changelings mind and it remembered it was being interrogated before that strange dream

“Ha! I’ll never talk!” It said receiving a fist to the jaw

“We have ways of making you talk” The hooded necromancer said

“You’ll have to kill me first.” The changeling said

Dagmire and langthan gave menacing grins

“We can arrange that.” The necromancer said as he stabbed the changeling in the neck.

The changeling bled out

“...ok that’s long enough. Bring it back” Dagmire said

The necromancer cast a spell and suddenly the changeling awoke

“W-what?”

“Ready to talk now?” Dagmire said

“WHAT THE BUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“Oh should we do it Again?”

“NO! Just don’t kill me again. Never again. Nononono.” The changeling muttered

“...well someone went to hell and back” langthan summarized

“My queen is a changeling that goes by the name of chrysalis. She wanted information on you”

“Thank you thrak. I was worried I would have to send you to skyrim again. Alright your dismissed”

“Wha-“ the changeling suddenly disappeared

“Thanks again for the help.” Dagmire said

“No problem. Now I gotta get back to the war.” Langthan said as a portal opened

“ALRIGHT MEN. IF A SINGLE ONE OF YOU DIES WITH A CLEAN SWORD IM GOING TO RAPE YOUR CORPSE RESURRECT YOU THAN RAPE YOU AGAIN!” Langthan said as the portal closed behind him

“...what a guy” Dagmire surmised

Dagmire turned off the lights of the building and shoved many pieces of paper with notes on thrak’s interrogation into his bag. Dagmire opened the door and entered a side room grabbing an item in a canister. He dumped the contents all over the floor and he took out a separate vial and poured it over the few brutalized and maimed changeling’s that survived

“I would apologize for you lost souls but considering you all keep trying this shit I’m going to have to be sneaky about how I get rid of you guys. Seriously your just lucky I got to you before langthan did. Ugh usually he makes good on his promises. Yuck. Anyway. This healing potion should give you back a few limbs he took. Anyway I would try to avoid doing this again.”

“Y-yes. Come on. Lets get out of here” the changeling spoke as twenty others followed it. One of the ones had collapsed and perished on the spot.

Dagmire continued to pour the original substance until the floor, walls and bodies of unfortunate changelings were slick with it. Dagmire left the building and tossed a lit match from a tinderbox into the building and walked away whistling a marry tune when it and the mountains of bodies were completely engulfed in flames.

“Note to self. Never use langthan for interrogation ever again” Dagmire said to himself trying to ignore the large loss of life

Thrak landed in the badlands without the object blocking the hive mind. As the voices flooded in the changeling’s royal guards circled thrak as as he got up

“You have been found guilty of treason for your actions.” The guard said

“What?”

Suddenly the changeling was bound in a cart headed towards a town

Thrak looked up and saw a crudely painted sign hanging seemingly in the sky with a little drawing of a smiley face. Thrak read the sign out loud as the guards ignored it

“Elder scrolls v: Skyrim...

god damm it Dagmire” The changeling said as it was moved away in the cart

Dagmire returned to Ponyville with a spring in his step as he entered the bar.

“Dagmire?” Clearance said

“Yep. Sorry about that.”

“What did you do it’s been two days!?”

“Me and all those changelings had a bit of a heart to heart”

“Well...come on. Rainbow is doing some sort of competition in cloudsdale or whatever they called the place” Clearance said with concern for his friend

“Alright should be fun.”

A distant explosion was heard and Dagmire sheepishly looked down as Clearance looked at him unamused

Crisis in the empire: Starring at the man In the mirror and asking him to stop flipping me off as I try to explain the situation

Author's Note

“Listen we can hear you talk about how your dicks all pierced The heaven’s and united the seven kingdoms or we can actually go and do shit and make it a reality. The unification not the long dongs I mean.”

-Dagmire the discorded to the nobles of the elven kingdom

Crisis in the empire: Starring at the man In the mirror and asking him to stop flipping me off as I try to explain the situation

*smash*

“Mail call!” A grey Pegasus called out as she set a few letters on a table

Clearance awoke from his bed and thanked the Pegasus before she flew through the window again.

“Alright let’s see...applejack wants me to come with her on a train ride, spoiled rich is suing me for endangerment to the public, a letter for Dagmire from Gilda, and a letter from someone called the “DAMM HAMSTER” written in all caps. Wonder what that could be?”

Clearance opens the letter with his claw and it’s full of glitter. Upon cleaning the glitter off the letter simply has the letters “KYS” written on it. Having no clue what it means Clearance shrugs it off. Clearance goes upstairs to give Dagmire his letter and leaves it on his nightstand before leaving to go off and help Applejack not paying any mind to the convoy of griffin’s heading to the bar.

Dagmire awoke with a start and fell through the floor and roof until he hit a cold metallic ground. Dagmire was already on a train headed towards the griffin empire when he awoke. He guessed that it wasn’t the mask’s doing as in front of him sat a griffin waiting patiently while staring at him. That and he was still wearing pants.

“Ow.”

“Good morning. The empire requests your presence” the griffin said plainly as if Dagmire didn’t just fall through the train a few times

“Wha... why?” Dagmire said trying to knock the tiredness out of his tone

“It seems you have gotten quite “friendly” with one of our ambassadors” the griffin continued

“Yes. And?”

“You will be tested to prove your mettle and worth in the house of trueblood since you seem to have upstaged miss Gilda’s soon to be betrothed sir gritty.” The griffin said with a bit of restrained rage

Dagmire was too tired to laugh at the dumb name

“So basically until the end of this I am-“

“In custody of the house of trueblood until you fail” the griffin said lazily

“I find your lack of faith in me disturbing”

“Can you fly sir?” The griffin asked

“I can glide” Dagmire answered

“That will not be enough” the griffin said

“I’ll make do.” Dagmire said

“...We’ll see about that” the griffin said

An uncomfortable silence filled the train as Dagmire pondered his options

“Well why now? Why pick me up now?” Dagmire asked

“Well we couldn’t have those ponys interfering now could we?” The griffin said with a cocky grin

Dagmire tried to ignore Stella’s smug expression as she hid on the luggage rack beside Dagmire’s luggage

“Fair enough. So how far is the empire?” Dagmire asked

“A few minutes. You are quite the sleeper” the griffin said

“That I am. This should be interesting” Dagmire said as the train pulled into the station

Dagmire pulled a barrel shaped case out of the luggage

“What’s in that?” The griffin asked

“Snakes”

“Don’t play games with me sir. What’s in the barrel?”

Dagmire opened the top of the barrel and a glass snake poked its head out in confusion

“...”

“What? I told the truth”

While the griffin was distracted Stella used her illusion magic and slipped into Dagmire’s shadow to remain hidden

“Why would you ever need something so grotesque?” the griffin asked befuddled

“Oh just to help someone with a favour”

“What kind of favour?” The griffin said before handing a train attendant a sack of bits

“Why don’t you visit me around midnight and find out Glory?” Dagmire ominously said

“What?! How did you get that name!?”

But when glory turned back around Dagmire was gone

“...what?”

Dagmire atop the train station with Stella looking at the massive city that lay in front of them

“Woah...this place is huge!” Stella exclaimed

“Yeah. Thanks for the save in the train Stella” Dagmire said

“No problem. Now then...what now?” Stella asked

“Well until we go and figure out this trueblood stuff we are technically breaking the law if what Glory said is correct. So for now let’s go there and see what happens.” Dagmire stated

“Are you sure that’s the only reason you’re going there?” Stella asked tauntingly

“No. I’m also going to free a soul or two and say howdy to Gilda” Dagmire answered bluntly

“Oh how blunt. Well I guess I got nothing better to do now that the changeling’s are gone” Stella said

“I still wish we could have solved that better.”

“Welp let’s go. We’re burning daylight”

Dagmire and Stella jumped to the next building and decided to follow Glory this time on their own terms

“Alright. He’s stopping here. Let’s listen” Dagmire told Stella

“It seems that he has slipped from our grasp.” Glory said

“Damm it Dagmire! I need you!” Gilda’s voice rang out

“Ok on second thought...”

Dagmire took off his boots and dropped them behind Glory causing him to sidestep before Dagmire used his reduced weight to gently fall to the ground in the “paint me like one of your French girls” pose. He gently touched the ground before speaking

“You rang?” Dagmire said confidently

“Dagmire!” Gilda sang out uncharacteristically with joy

Gilda surprised Dagmire with a swoping hug which he returned. After a while of remaining in each other’s embrace they broke off

“I’m so glad to see you!”

“Most people aren’t” Dagmire joked

“Although this is a touching moment we need to prepare for-“

Suddenly Glory was cut off as a griffin that looked more like a peacock shoved him out of the way

“you” the griffin spoke

“you” Dagmire repeated

“how dare you steal away my wife!-”

“I chose him first bird brain” Gilda said with no emotion

“Quiet sweetheart-

“-Oh don’t do it-“

“-The males are talking” the griffin said vindictively

“...you may proceed Stella”

Suddenly like a drop bear (but it’s an actual bear instead of a koala) pouncing on its prey Stella dropped from the roof and landed on the griffin. Screaming and hooves hitting solid things began playing as the griffin desperately tried to drop the tiny horse on the ground. The griffin threw the pony into the ground and instead of landing with a thud Stella sank into her shadow then launched back out at the same velocity directly into the griffin’s genitalia.

As the griffin clutched his privates Dagmire finished the polite talk he had with Glory and Gilda

“-and this is my friend Stella. Shall we go and discus the details of this challenge from mr nitty gritty?”

“Yes. On second thought I believe I was wrong about you mr Arkmoon” Glory said apologetically

“Please. Dagmire is fine. Let’s go inside. We have much to discus”

“Indeed” Glory said as Stella followed them inside

A noble cause part one: getting that saucy salsa to go

Author's Note

“Let’s see you be so positive with colon cancer captain positivity!” -my brother (we called him captain colon cancer when he did this) in a rubber unicorn mask crashing the parade and giving the school mascot cancer at the annual positivity rally.

A noble cause part one: getting that saucy salsa to go

Dagmire walked through the large halls of the building looking around while Glory talked to him about the challenge. He understood the basics and that was pretty much it. They introduced Dagmire to all the rooms and while Dagmire was never one for fancy things he was impressed with the decor.

“-and I believe that is the gist of it. Any questions?” Glory finished

“Nope.” Dagmire said

“Alright. You know where your quarters are and I’ll see you in the morning”

“Actually I’ll see you at midnight.”

“Sir why midnight?”

“It’s a surprise!” Dagmire said with confetti pouring out of his sleeves as he gave vigorous jazz hands

Gilda continued smiling in an unnerving manner

After finally returning home and getting a well earned rest, Applejack prepared for another day on the farm. The moment she stepped outside she saw Clearance. Considering how the friendly basilisk usually spends this hour sleeping Applejack immediately knew something was up

“Meet me at the train station.”

“Why? Did something happen?” Applejack asked

“Yes” Clearance said before leaving without any explanation

A few moments later everyone was gathered at the station

“So Dagmire got kidnapped and now he’s in the griffin empire” Clearance said without wasting time

“What?! We gotta go save him!” Twilight said without missing a beat

“That’s the plan. Gilda sent Dagmire a letter warning him about the griffin’s but they got him before he could read it.” Clearance explained

“Alright. Let’s get going” rainbow said with all the energy her tired body could muster

As they all climbed aboard the train to the griffin empire they didn’t notice an extra stowaway follow them. With blood red eyes and a sinister smile the stowaway began setting its trap.

It’s a long way to the empire...

It was the stroke of midnight. And the land was shrouded in a red light as the harvest moon foretold something’s end

In the dark of the night Glory stood wide awake. Unable to sleep and plagued with a burning curiosity as Dagmire’s words worked their way into his mind. How did he know? What even is he?

“...buck it. I cant take it anymore” Glory said while grabbing a lantern and exiting his room.

He navigated through the dark halls as he made his way to his destination with a look of determination plastered on his face. Had he not had things to do he likely would have paused and appreciated the beautiful tinted moonlight drifting in through the large windows. He approached the room and knocked on the door.

“Come in.” Dagmire said from within

Glory entered. Instead of the room he expected he ended up in a forest of sorts. He jumped when the door behind him shut suddenly.

“Sorry about the room. That harvest moon just opened a window of time for the souls to recreate something familiar”

“What? What is this?!” Glory said

Dagmire simply laughed in the red light and began playing a soft melody. A snake left Dagmire’s luggage and shined brightly in the light as it shifted and changed.

Glory’s eye went wide when his father stood in front of him with a smile that had been absent from him until the day he died.

“I’ve taught you well my son” the spirit said with pride

“I-“

“Come. We have much to discuss before I take my final leave” the spirit said prim and proper

Glory listened and followed his father

Dagmire smiled and as they talked he politely walked out of earshot as the spirit’s previous request asked of him.

As he continued the song he saw the spirit fly in front of the moon and fade away. Dagmire’s scythe received a tally mark and the back side of the tool sprouted three feathers. Dagmire threw the tool and like a boomerang it returned to him. He sat down on a stump as the world faded and he was suddenly on a chair in his room.Dagmire finished the song and Glory awoke on Dagmire’s bed as a single tear escaped his eye.

“Thank you” Glory said with his eyes closed with a bit of blood on his claws

“No problem.”

“Now it’s my turn to return the favour” Glory said getting up

“No you don’t-“

“I wasn’t asking” Glory said sternly with a hint of emotion

“...alright. What’s up?”

“Just follow me” Glory said as he led Dagmire down the hallway.

They turned left and entered a side room.

“This is the real reason we called you here” Glory said

“What?” Dagmire said unable to comprehend what he was looking at

The train rocked back and forth in the red light as it made its way along the track. The ponys all rested in their seats as the ride took its toll. Clearance was wide awake as the blood moon filled the air with a sense of fragility...and death.

A figure enters the room and passes him with little regard causing Clearance to go on high alert. The creature walks down the aisle and stops at a sleeping rainbow dash.

Clearance slowly unsheathes the blade of the hydra as the figure starts smiling. The figure pulls out an empty syringe and lightly chuckles while Clearance slithers behind it. Grabbing the hand that held the syringe and slamming the creature into the ground Clearance quickly turned the figure to stone.

“Well...that was anticlimactic” Clearance said as the pony’s looked in shock at the creature.

Hearing a sound on the roof Clearance climbed out of the window and saw three more creature’s just like the last one. Wind whipped violently as the intruders edged closer to Clearance all with daggers drawn.

Clearance raised his blade and lightning struck it as he prepared for a fight. They were almost upon Clearance when suddenly he felt a prick in the back of his neck.

They were decoys!

Clearance spun and used his tail to fling the attacker off the train while throwing a blade. As the blade made contact with the creature lightning struck it and blasted it downward into the hard ground. The train entered a tunnel and all Clearance could see was three sets of eyes and Erie grins. It seemed that these emitted light somehow. Suddenly the lights cut out as soon as they realized that he could see them. Only one set opened again as it fell out of sight.

The train exited the tunnel and exposed the creatures once again this time missing a member. One of them had fallen off the train. The other only stared at Clearance.

Obviously this wasn’t a very bright thing to do as the creature turned to stone

Clearance carried the statue as he went back inside his cabin only to find the creature he blasted with lightning injecting something into its front leg. Clearance felt for what had pricked him on the roof only to discover it’s absence. The creature laughed and bailed from the train through the window

“Damm crazy junkies. Thanks for the help Clearance.” Rainbow said

“I don’t think they are junkies” Clearance said

The creature that fell off the train was actually hanging by it’s hoof from the roof with a dazed look on its face. It took off the cloak that concealed the ponys appearance and reviled a familiar young Pegasus

“Where am I?” Dumbell said

A noble cause part two: standing in the mirror, singing in the shower, under my umbrella

The train pulled into the station and eventually everyone onboard left the train as others got on. The elements got off alongside dumbbell and his two friends

“Hey thanks again for breaking us out of...whatever that was.” Dumbbell said

“No problem” Clearance said while scratching the spot the needle went into

The three Pegasi left and took the train back to Ponyville as the elements all began their trek over to the mansion. After half an hour of exploration, Stella bumped into Clearance with a joyous look on her face

She lead them to the mansion and Dagmire stood at the doorway alongside Glory.

“Hey! It’s great to see you!” Dagmire said giving Clearance a hug

Clearance gave out a toothy grin (well as toothy a grin as someone with a beak instead of teeth could give. Dagmire and the elements knew what it meant but to Glory it just looked like Clearance only opened his beak) and returned the hug. Dagmire noticed a stray scale poking him in the ribs and after saying hello to the other elements

“Why’s your scales all roughed up?” Dagmire asked

“We got attacked by someone on the train. He stuck a needle in me during the fight. Honestly it feels like it’s still in there.”

“Well jokes on him. You’re practically invincible on a harvest moon” Dagmire said

“Yeah... so what’s the big deal?”

“Well first of all I need you all to follow me. I got something special to show you” Dagmire said as he began leading them through the hallway. After many twists and turns Dagmire arrived at a doorway

“Alright. I need you to all quiet down a bit” Dagmire said gently as he lead them all to a trio of pedestal’s

“that’s it? What are you trying to show us again?” Rainbow said impatiently

“Look at what’s on the pedestal’s” Dagmire said

“...what did someone leave their breakfast on here? What’s with the egg shells?”

“Dagmire sir? Gilda wishes to speak” Glory said interrupting rainbow

“Well then. Great timing.” Dagmire said as he motioned the group to follow.

They walked around a bit more and Dagmire stopped outside of a room. He adjusted his mask and flattened his hair as he pushed through the door.

Twilight’s jaw dropped, Rainbow’s eyebrows shot to the sky, pinky suspended in mid air with a look of disbelief, Fluttershy was behind everyone and couldn’t see, rarity sprinted into the room and flopped on the trauma couch dramatically, applejack was wondering why her hat was missing and Clearance was busy staring in wonder.

“Go over and say hi!” Dagmire said to one of the tiny griffin’s with pride as another one perched on his head coaxing a giggle out of both the griffin and Dagmire

The little tyke waddled over like a cat with boots on and fell on his little rear in front of Clearance

“Unc!” The little bundle of fur said while raising his front claws wanting up.

Clearance’s heart exploded as he gently picked up the baby and noticed a few green scales on the underside of the tiny griffin and a fluffy patch of brown fur on his head

“I’m a dad!” Dagmire finally said

Pinky shot into the roof at this statement and with her head through the ceiling her overjoyed scream was muffled.

But not by much.

One of the tiny griffin’s was wearing Applejack’s hat while giggling.

“W-when did this happen?!” Rainbow said

“About a year ago on the twenty-second of September I saw a very lonely and sad griffin. I gave her some soup and whisky and eventually we had a one night stand... then a few weeks later we had another...it went like this until a few days ago when Glory brought me here and showed me the room with the eggs. Caught the things as they were hatching and the rest is history.” Dagmire said

“...so is she-?” Rainbow said before getting interrupted

“That would be a yes birdbrain” Gilda said while walking into the room

“Gilda...”

“So why did you come here?” Gilda asked

“Ma!” The small griffin in Clearance’s arms cried

“I’m here sweetie.”

Gilda picked up the griffin by the scruff of her neck and set her down on her back

“Well we thought Dagmire had been kidnapped and we all came here” Twilight explains

“Well it’s nice to know you all care” Dagmire said with a smile

“Dagmire it’s time for those trials we talked about” Gilda said

“Alright. Well let’s get this done and over with. Tonight I introduce the kids to garlic bread” Dagmire said with a little clap

Dagmire left through the window and the children giggled at their fathers antics as he descend towards the arena

“...so what’s their names?” Fluttershy asked

“The one on ms Gilda’s back is Leroy, the one wearing the Stetson is Hercule and finally the one sleeping is Ludwig” Glory explained

“...so...huh.” Rainbow said

“Yeah. I’ve grown up a little bit since...Ponyville” Gilda said

“Yeah. You even have a family now. Speaking of which...what did you see in him?”

“Dagmire? Well he’s charming, very carefree and caring, and he loves me for who I am. Why do you ask?” Gilda said

“...no reason”

“Are you ready?” Glory asked Dagmire as he slowly plummeted towards an gladiator-esq arena

“Nope. Here we go!” Dagmire said as he touched ground

The arena was large and full of dust. Many griffin’s and a few other creatures filled the rows atop the arena. Sir Gritty stood parallel to Dagmire with an angered expression. In one of the rows Dagmire spotted Stella with a hat on. Dagmire could faintly hear her among the roar of the crowd

”BUTT SCRATCHER! GET YOUR BUTT SCRATCHERS HERE!”

Dagmire giggled at Stella’s antics

A large robed griffin sat in the emperors chair as guards stood by him. The griffin got up and the arena went silent as the griffin prepared

”TODAY WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO HONOUR THE CHALLENGE FOR THE CLAW OF MS GILDA! WHEN SIR GRITTY OF GRIFFINSTONE IS READY. ARE YOU PREPARED SIR GRITTY?” the emperor shouted

“YES I AM!” Gritty said

”AND SIR DAGMIRE OF THE HOUSE OF ARKMOON! ARE YOU READY!”

“READY, WILLING, AND ALREADY ON FIRE!” Dagmire said as he dumped a bucket of water on himself to put out the fire

”CLAIM YOUR WEPONS AND STAND ON YOUR PODIUMS!” the emperor screamed

Gilda emerged with the group in one of the stands and she walked up to the emperor’s stand and took her seat beside the emperor.

Dagmire stood atop his podium with a weighted hammer holding him to the ground. He would have to fight without his trademark boots and mask. Praying for the best Dagmire chose a Helmet that covered his face and as the masks were made with long fronts to support griffin beaks Dagmire ended up transforming into a dragonborn in a burst of light. Without his boots he would have to use the wight of the hammer to move himself around

”YOU MAY BEGIN THE FLIGHT TEST ON MY MARK...GO!”

Gritty flew into the air and began flying through hoops and rings as he made his way across the arena. He was stopped in his tracks when suddenly he saw something unreal.

Instead of abandoning the hammer to gain more momentum in his flight Dagmire was using the hammer like a paddle in an invisible boat as he sat on nothing and sailed through hoops with style and a bit of chaos.

Infuriated by the sure display of mockery Gritty tripled his effort’s as he flew through rings without any issues. He dodged and weaved through the hoops and eventually completed the flight in record time.

Dagmire’s invisible boat seamed to clip one of the rings as he was launched forward and the ring shattered. Dagmire landed on the ground on his feat

”THE WINNER OF THE FLIGHT CHALLENGE IS SIR GRITTY!” the emperor said as the crowd lost their shit

Rainbow had a nervous expression on her face but Leroy decided now was a good time to take a nap on her head. Rainbow was briefly distracted from the competition.

”NOW WE TEST YOUR VALOUR WITH THE TEST OF SPIRIT!” the emperor said as an obstacle coarse more akin to a saw trap emerged from the sand

Dagmire and Gritty returned to their starting positions

”SIR GRITTY AND SIR DAGMIRE! FOR THIS CHALLENGE YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO USE YOUR WINGS! LET THE CHALLENGE BEGIN!”

Gritty blasted off and began dodging spears and flames as he slowly made his way through. Grabbing a rock Gritty threw it at Dagmire in a display of poor sportsmanship as he made his way.

{Dagmire has received a critical failure!}

Dagmire was hit in the head with the rock and although the helmet protected him the force of the rock sent him flying into the wall. Dagmire cartoonishly left an indent in the stone and he quickly freed himself from it. Using the wall to launch himself forward Dagmire blasted through the first obstacles only to lack behind Gritty.

{Gritty has received a critical failure!}

“Just give up now Dagmire. I’m clearly superior” Gritty said before getting hit in the back with a flame trap while he taunted

“WHAT KIND OF COMPETITION IS THIS?!” Rainbow screamed

“An honourable one” Gilda said

As Gritty put the fire on him out. Dagmire hit the ground and frantically began making his way through the traps getting flashbacks of his staircase as he caught up to Gritty.

Gritty quickly put out his flaming tail and began sprinting on all fours as Dagmire managed to not only catch up. But pass Gritty as he began swimming through the sand at breathtaking speeds

Dagmire finished the course first leaving Gritty in the dust

”SIR DAGMIRE HAS FINISHED THE TEST OF SPIRIT FIRST! HE CLAIMS VICTORY!” the emperor says now genuinely enthralled by the newcomers actions

Gritty seethed in rage as Dagmire spun on the spot and fell into a polite bow

Ludwig was watching his father from the crowd and suddenly something shiny caught his attention. He zoomed off in pursuit of the shining object as a hooded pony smiled. Clearance was already on the trail of the suspicious pony as he followed the hooded person baiting Ludwig down into the gladiator holding pen. As Clearance entered the pen he was smacked with a wood plank as Ludwig revealed blood red eyes.

Ludwig was bait! It was a trap!

”OUR FINAL CHALLENGE APPROACHES! THE TEST OF METTLE! BOTH OF YOU HAVE SWORN TO PROTECT MS GILDA FROM HARM BUT AS WE KNOW THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! A SPELL HAS BEEN CASTED OVER YOUR WEPONS THAT WILL MARK YOUR QUARY WITH A “WOUND”. THE FIRST PERSON WITH THREE FATEL WOUNDS SHALL BE DECLARED THE LOOSER! ARE YOU PREPARED!” the emperor said

Both Dagmire and Gritty raised their weapons in the air and suddenly a large bang sound emitted from beside the stands

”YOU MAY BEGIN!”

Gritty and Dagmire began circling each other as they prepared for the first move. Confetti blasted underneath Gritty causing him to jump, using the distraction Dagmire dashed in and hit Gritty in the chin with the hammer before swinging it back around and slamming the hammer and Gritty into the ground causing Gritty to fly back. all that remained of the damage was two bright red marks indicating the hits. Dropping his sword Gritty slashed Dagmire with his claws causing real damage and drawing blood. A large blast emerged from the gladiator pit throwing Clearance out as well as a cloaked pony. The pony stomped on the ground and suddenly archers descended upon the arena and all took aim at Dagmire to Clearances horror.

“WHAT IS THIS?!” Dagmire cried out

“Oh a dramatic reveal. I heard how much you liked these” the cloaked pony said while a few archers fought the guards

Time seemed to slow down as the pony with his hoof on Clearance’s head took aim at Dagmire. Gritty stabbed Dagmire in the back with his claws and held him out as an easy target.

The pony’s hood fell off revealing a completely fine pony without blood red eyes

“Who said I was being controlled?” Dumbbell said pulling the arrow and taking aim as Clearance went wide eyed.

Gilda screamed in horror

”fire”

Slaves of fate: now that we got that out of the way we can talk about what’s really important. Agriculture!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Killer Karen: Dagmire woke up and people want more. can we go now?

Author's Note

“-but it seems that the mind control is inadequate against those who are mentally deft” the wizard said.

Gronk smiled as he had finally found his calling

“It’s...it’s like I was made for this”

-gronk the barbarian (god bless his soul)

Killer Karen: Dagmire woke up and people want more. can we go now?

“-and that’s when you woke up” clearance finished explaining to Dagmire

“Oh. Well I’m ready to go and do stuff now. Months fly by when you are stoned after all” Dagmire said

“You were only frozen for a day” Gilda said

Dagmire smiled knowingly under his mask at nothing confusing Clearance and Gilda

“Welp I wanna go do something” Dagmire said brushing the rubble off and getting up

“About That...” Gilda said while pointing towards the flaming bar

Dagmire pulled out a super soaker and shot a tiny stream of water at the charred building and to Gilda’s confusion the building shook off the soot and fire like a dog

“Nice” Clearance said

“I’m going to go to bed.” Gilda said exhaustedly as she quickly hugged Dagmire and flew into a cloud

“...do you think we could have a normal day today?” Clearance asked

“Honestly you deserve it bud. I’m going into town though” Dagmire said

“Thanks man” Clearance said before entering the bar and cleaning the cups

Dagmire pondered how to make his grand entrance into Ponyville and decided to flip a coin to decide. The coin stopped mid air as a lightbulb appeared over Dagmire’s head as a particularly potent idea came to mind

The sun was shining over Ponyville as the residents walked around following their routines as usual. Twilight was exiting the library as she went off to meet her friends for the day when suddenly she spotted a strange contraption across the road.

“Uh Twilight? What’s that?” Spike asked worried

“It looks like a catapult... with a giant bit loaded in it?” Twilight said in confusion

The contraption suddenly shot forward as it released its payload and launched the massive coin towards the middle of town

The massive coin spun wildly as it sailed through the air and eventually found a resting place at the town square. And by a resting place I meant burning crater. A giant face was looking to the sky and to the horror of nearby ponys the coin started shaking violently. The coin bent with a horrible screeching noise and exploded into a shower of coins with Dagmire in the centre of the wreck. He pulled out a small handful of confetti and threw it all in one direction instead of in the air

“I’m back bitches!” Dagmire shouted into the wind as the gold fell around him

And now we ignore the whole “I can’t believe you’re alive” thing from the elements and we skip ahead a day so i can ACTUALLY WRITE A FUCKING STORY AND POST IT! SO PEOPLE CAN FUCKING ENJOY SHIT!

...sorry. I got a bit worked up there. It’s just been so hard to come up with the start to this chapter so I just decided to skip a bit for the stories sake. Anyway here’s Wonderwall

“You know we really haven’t hanged out with each other much. I wanna change that” Dagmire said to Fluttershy as they walked to the carousal boutique

“I think I would like that” Fluttershy said

“Great! I’ll see you in a bit!”

“...was that a pun?” Fluttershy asked

“Yes. Yes it was” Dagmire said remembering last nights events

Dagmire speed walked away and returned to the bar to relax for a while

“No I don’t want to sell alcohol to children. Please stop” Dagmire overheard Clearance say

“But what if-“

“No buts.” Clearance said interrupting apple bloom

“How did you get in here?” Dagmire asked the small filly

“Ah saw a strange shadow across from twilight’s house and we thought to investigate it and when we did-“

“Hey are you giving that filly alcohol?!” A random pony said from across the bar

“No we are trying to-“

“I want to see your manager!”

With the key word triggered the pony was quickly thrown out of her chair and ejected from the bar

“Oh. Forgot about that.” Dagmire said

“What was that?” Apple bloom asked

Dagmire picked up the filly by the scruff of her neck like a cat and calmly took her outside

“Hey!”

“We don’t serve minors. No offence but this isn’t negotiable” Dagmire said sternly

Apple bloom walked away dejectedly

“Ok. So let’s head over to Fluttershy’s ho-“

“Dagmire the lady is back!”

“(Sigh) damm it Karen” Dagmire said as he spun on his heel and returned to the bar

When Dagmire looked inside he saw a very angry Karen covered in many different foods and drinks

“-il have you fired-“ the Karen tried to say before getting hit in the face with a pie

“Ha! Classic!” Dagmire said gaining the attention of the enraged beast

Instead of using words the Karen simply screamed at Dagmire and lunged at him with a fury known only to demons of the underworld...and soccer moms. Dagmire reflexively spun around and kicked the maniac in the head causing her to crash through a table

“You come in my house, insult my friends, and try to get him fired?” Dagmire said

The Karen screamed

Dagmire stomped a floorboard causing the other end to fly into the air launching Karen, she came back down and hit another floor board causing Dagmire to fly forward and grab the top of her head. He spun around and threw the demon out of the bar at top speed.

“AND STAY OUT!” Dagmire shouted after her

He slumped down to the floor and took a breather

“You ok?” Clearance asked

“Yeah. I could go for a snack though.” Dagmire replied

Deep in the ruins of the frozen crystal empire something was stirring. A simple twitch of life among the death so prominent. Two red eyes shined through the snow bank encasing them as a sinister smile worked its way on to the owner’s face. Slowly but surely the crystal heart began filling the empire with warmth and the promise of protection from the storm. The long wait would soon be over and eventually he would be free...

Dagmire felt a chill up his spine as he sat up. Clearance looked concerned at his friend as he looked into the distance

“...clearance?” Dagmire asked

“Yes?”

“Where are the kids?”

displacement and sailors: And we have Dagmire’s neutral special “GUN”

Author's Note

“The hatred will keeps you warm now...but it will leave you cold in your grave”

from some guy’s dream

displacement and sailors: And we have Dagmire’s neutral special “GUN”

Unknown location
12:23 pm

Dumbbell was sitting on a haystack watching over his captive and waiting for the small griffin to awaken

The small bird slowly got up and took a look around his environment only to find he was quite literally inside a bird cage

“So you finally woke up.”

“Where am I?” Ludwig asked

“...”

Dumbbell gave a smile that unnerved the small griffin

“Oh we are going to have a lot of fun little colt”

“I don’t think you know what fun is” Ludwig said noticing something shift in the haystack the pony was sitting on

“Oh you’ll see soon enough...” dumbbell said as he stomped the uncomfortable hay

“Hey. Do you know how to find a needle in a haystack?” Ludwig asked

“What?”

“You bring a magnet” Stella answered as she dispelled the disguise and broke the birdcage she was trapped in

“WHAT THE BUCK?!” Dumbbell screamed as something hit him in the back of the head

He collapsed and Stella moved the hay away to expose another birdcage this time with the real Ludwig inside

“Nice job! You did your part perfect Ludwig” Stella said praising the young griffin

“I’m just glad this is all over. Can I go home now?” Ludwig asked hopefully

“Yeah. This should only take a minute”

One minute later

“Ok so I might have overestimated my skills a bit” Stella said chained to the cold stone wall

“Why are they keeping me in a rusty old bird cage anyway?” Ludwig asked

“Quiet inmate!” A guard said from under her hood

“This May take awhile” Stella said

“Dagmire another one of those token things are acting up again. This time it’s someone looking for something to fight” Clearance called out from the back of the band wagon

“NOW IS NOT THE TIME, GIVE IT TO THE UP DOG BY THE CACTUS!” Dagmire shouted as a whip struck his back causing him to rush even faster

“What’s a cactus?” Clearance asked

“PLANT” Dagmire screamed

Clearance shrugged and tossed the ribbon onto the potted cactus. The cactus grew three times its regular size and leapt off the wagon as it summoned the displaced

“Are you really sure this is the fastest way?” Gilda asked flying along side the wagon

“It is not. But we need a safe place to hide should things go sideways” Dagmire said as he moved a large pole into the sky

“Where did you even get this thing?” Gilda asked looking at an old faded logo on the side

“It was my fathers. Now could you go and place this picture of an angry cat at the top of the pole?” Dagmire asked as the cart started shaking

Gilda did as Dagmire asked as she was used to his unconventional methods

“It’s all set!” Gilda shouted

“Good! Now get inside the wagon. Clearance call Thor then get inside!”

Clearance took out an old ox horn and blew it loudly before his hasty retreat

“HEY PRICK! IM CALLING YOUR TAB!” Dagmire said as lightning struck the pole he was holding

Dagmire stuck the poll on the front of the wagon and pulled the Changling’s driving the wagon inside.

“STOP EVILDOERS!” A squeaky voice screamed from behind

“NOW ISINT A GOOD TIME!” Dagmire shouted to the lightly dressed teen

“I stopped your evil cactus monster from ravaging the town and now I’m here to stop you!

“...Clearance why is a high schooler chasing us?”

“TRANSFORM!” The teen shouted as rainbows engulfed her form

“...what the actual fuck is happening here?” Dagmire asked as suddenly the teen turned into a semi lewd girl in blinding light than into a superhero

“Sailor moon ready!”

“I bet you don’t even have a boating license” Dagmire quipped

Sailor moon blasted Dagmire off the wagon with a strange projectile from a hair pin and prepared to stop the crazy contraption in its tracks when she heard laughter and the sounds of a chainsaw.

It was Dagmire using a chainsaw as a unicycle to catch up. Dagmire tried to jump from the tool to the wagon but a stray projectile from sailor moons wild firing knocked Dagmire back on to the chainsaw causing the device to break and leave Dagmire in the dust.

“Ok. Now this is the end for you evildoers!” She shouted as she rushed the wagon only to be electrocuted

This gave Dagmire the opportunity he needed to catch up, he pulled out his scythe and tied a ribbon that had fallen from sailor moon to his tool and hand and threw the tool backwards.

“BOOMERANG!” Dagmire shouted as the scythe suddenly began spinning wildly and flying back in the direction of the wagon

Sailor moon saw Dagmire again and since he was being spun around wildly she couldn’t hit with her projectiles, she decided to try a physical attack on the jester as he got close

“SAILOR MOON KICK!” She screamed as her leg made its mark, the force of the kick caused Dagmire to rebound and strike sailor moon in the back while going in the opposite direction! The scythe found its target and embedded itself into the wagon with Dagmire still attached, Before sailor moon could do anything Dagmire yanked the ribbon and vaulted back onto the wagon.

“DAGMIRE WE ARE APPROACHING THE TOWER!” One of the Changling’s said

“BRACE YOURSELVES!” Dagmire shouted

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!” Sailor moon demanded

“THEY HAVE MY SON YOU IDIOT!” Dagmire shouted as the wagon approached the stone tower

On a dime the wagon stopped and a strange electric outline of the wagon kept charging with Dagmire riding

“LIGHTNING CHARIOT BITCHES!” Dagmire screamed as the outline smashed through the wall leaving a massive hole

Sailor moon just looked at the hole and was alarmed when Dagmire exited with a book

“...your contract is complete. Now get the fuck off my planet” Dagmire said causing the displaced to drop through a convenient portal

“What’s that you are reading?” Clearance asked

“It’s a rule book for displacing. It says here that once a contract is completed the summon is returned home”

“Isn’t that kinda meta?” Clearance asked

“As long as I manage to get the story rolling I can do whatever the fuck I want. Now let’s save my son” Dagmire said as he led the charge into the tower

The raid

Today is a day of which will be remembered as a genocide or as the day the world saw many secrets.

Only time will tell

The tower: ah yes. A mysterious dungeon

Author's Note

“Sometimes you gotta ask yourself who you would swan-dive down the stairs for”

The tower: ah yes. A mysterious dungeon

The many floors of the tower rumbled and shook after the collision threatening to topple over. A large amount of hooded unicorns fought against gravity as they attempted to straighten the tower. Dagmire and Gilda crept pass the now distracted guards and entered the architectural nightmare that was a wizards tower.

“Ok so what’s the plan?” Gilda asked

“We walk upstairs stealthily taking out whoever is in the way and I give a special someone an example of the word defenestration“ Dagmire explained

“Got it. I’ll watch your back” Gilda said

They crept up the stairs silently and quickly only to find the many floors empty. Likely most of the ponys were helping keep the tower stable

HAH FUNNY HORSE PUN DO YOU LIKE ME NOW STRANGER

Ok so after my totally not narcissistic joke Dagmire and Gilda made it to the floor that held prisoners. They were locked up and many different creatures from ponys to dragons stood in their cells looking blankly ahead. A tall scaly creature’s glazed look fell on Dagmire as a small dose of recognition briefly crossed its features.

“Ax?” Dagmire said as the creature returned to its idle unmoving state

“What is that?” Gilda asked

“An old friend. Looks like he finally grew up” Dagmire replied

“Come on. We need to find Ludwig.” Gilda reminded Dagmire

With a saddened nod Dagmire and Gilda ascended the tower and found the top floor. Quickly the door to the stairs shut and a robed individual lunged at Dagmire.

Dagmire took the hit to the face and a honk sounded as the male pony made contact. Gilda was too slow to react and was quickly held down by two others

The pony took another swing only to hit a cardboard cut-out of himself. As he hit the item a hoof came out of the cut-out and hit the pony with about the same force. Dagmire dropped from the ceiling and landed on a plank of wood that the pony was standing on causing him to go airborne as the plank responded to Dagmire’s weight.

The pony landed on its hooves and sprung towards Dagmire so suddenly that he took a direct hit. Gilda wriggled out of the ponys grasps and sidelined Dagmire’s attacker. Dagmire uppercuts the pony and Gilda spikes the pony into the others leaving them knocked out. Dagmire and Gilda approach the cell holding Stella and Ludwig when a large shadow is cast over them

“-It has to be him! That’s exactly what he said he looked like!” Ax argued

“No. It can’t be. You know Azelf said he could never come back. You’re alone like you always are.” A voice chastised

Ax briefly gnawed at the bars before returning to his dazed state

“Oh please. You know why he left you to die. You are just as pathetic as you were in beach cave. So Just give up and submit already.”

This angered the Haxorus. Ever since his Evolution he found himself getting more volatile and aggressive than he used to be

“I will NEVER give in to the likes of you. All you do is spread hate and suffering everywhere you go.” Ax said

“Settle down coward-“

Forcing the hatred into action Ax began slamming his armoured body against the iron rods preventing his escape. The red rune on his head flashed and he found himself paralyzed

“You are powerless before me.”

“I refuse to lose him again. I’m seeing my big brother again.” Ax said as he raised a claw to the rune

“No matter the cost”

The voice screamed in agony as Ax clawed at the seal fused with his head until he pulled out a bloody chunk containing a little device silencing the voice permanently. Completely cold and snared in a blood rage Ax shredded the bars with his axe like tusks and quickly made his way to the top of the tower.

“Going somewhere?” Dumbbell said

“Yes.” Stella said simply from within her cell

“...I know that isn’t you.” Dumbbell said in defiance of his own name

THUMP
THUMP
THUMP
THUMP
Stella and Ludwig fell from the ceiling and
Everyone present in the room punched dumbbell from every possible angle when Ax came charging into the room.

The next moments were a blur of fists and hooves as despite Dumbbell’s newfound power it didn’t do much against getting shoved to the ground and stomped on by a crowd.

What? Were you expecting him to flatten anyone in his path? Nope. No cinematic fight for now. But now that he’s down for the count...

Dagmire hoisted the pony onto his shoulder as the tower rumbled and shook. The ponys that stood stoically and unmoving suddenly burst into panic and sprinted out of the room. A full evacuation was in effect as the tower swayed and crumbled. Everyone ran down the stairs and escaped the tower relatively fine.

Outside the ruins of the tower many ponys and gryphons stood about trying to figure out why they were dressed like cultists

Elsewhere an ancient horror was brewing and stewing in its hatred. Slowly but surely the ice cracked and splintered as hatred wafted into the air poisoning the very air around it.

Fighting for it: can we go on with the story without an angsty child FOR FIVE MINUTES?!

Author's Note

“And with an echo through the night we heard it. The sound brought the fear of god and reminded us that even with our power we must remain humble. After all who can say that they were destroyed by the ghost of a yodelling man and not lose credibility? How do you explain that you hear him in your dreams, like visions sent from an angry god? Simple. You don’t. You just pray he is simply having fun rather than bellowing out a chorus of war.”

-tales from the bonfire 4

Fighting for it: can we go on with the story without an angsty child FOR FIVE MINUTES?!

The group stood outside of the now collapsed tower admiring their handiwork. The entire building collapsed like a house of cards the moment magic stopped supporting it only cementing the fact that wizard towers were poor ideas without proper architecture.

Elated that a long lost friend had returned Dagmire was practically skipping all the way home. Which was somewhat impressive as he not only remained head to head with the wagon but was also going double Dutch. About half way there a faint rumbling was slowly getting louder, beginning to skip backwards at the speed of lunacy Dagmire observed where the rumbling was coming from only to be met face to face with a kid in an orange jumpsuit running alongside his very confused and familiarly edgy cloaked friend.

“...why are you here?” Dagmire asked ditching the Dutch for a sliding T-pose form so he wouldn’t trip at his current speed

“I have come to defend my honour” the edged one said

“Why? We both know no honour will come from this. I’m just trying to get my family home after a long day.” Dagmire explained deciding on riding on the cart to appear more serious

He to Dagmire’s surprise actually seemed to reconsider

“...Naruto why are we here?”

“Sauske (I probably spelled that wrong but whatever) I TOLD you that this guy was a jerk! He threw me through a window!”

“Now I would like to remind you again that this was because you we’re about to attack Clearance.” Dagmire exclaimed

Sauske looked over at Naruto even more confused

“What? He had it coming!” He said matter-of-factly

“Oh screw off kid. Seriously just leave us alone!” Dagmire shouted refusing to take it in the ass

“You will all regret that you bucking lunatic-“

“BITCH YOU THINK YOU GET TO KILL ME?! IM FUCKING CRAZY! ILL EAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Ax said having enough of the argument

Dagmire recoiled a bit. He just needed to remember that this wasn’t the little nervous Pokémon he knew anymore.

“OK WHY DONT WE JUST RELAX AND TURN ON THE RADIO?! WOULD YOU LIKE AM OR FM?!” Dagmire said as calm as he could

“RASANGAN!”

“ROBO-BITCH!” Dagmire said throwing a tricycle at the blue ball

An explosion happened when the tricycle hit the ball and Naruto was left in the dust as Sauske sighed

“Listen. For the record I actually don’t want to do this. I’m sorry”

“Oh no completely understandable. And I can tell you were mostly dragged along for this. It’s not you I’m mad at. It’s mr cheese puff back there. Seriously. What is his problem with us? I don’t get it” Dagmire said rationally

“I know about as much as you do. Anyway I gotta wrap this up.” He said taking out a sword

“So be it.”

“CHIDORI!” The man screamed charging at the wagon

“MEGA FAGGET!” Dagmire said as his mask flashed and he threw a doll dressed up like the author at the man

(I had to do that because I myself rolled a one. Don’t care if I spelled it wrong tho)

The doll collided with sauske in a rather flamboyant fashion causing him to trip and safely fall on a meticulously placed hay bale

“And that’s that” Dagmire said while getting back into the wagon

“...so Dagmire...why were you at that tower?” Ax asked

“Oh I was trying to rescue my son.”

“You have a kid?!”

“Yeah! He’s the little ball of feathers and fur over here” Dagmire said holding Ludwig up for the world to see

“Hi!” Ludwig said with enthusiasm

“Oh he’s adorable!” Ax cooed

Ludwig giggled a bit before Dagmire set him down next to his mother

“So how’s paradise been since I’ve left?”

“Lonely. We lost the grandmaster a little while back and it hit moral hard. Before I was brought here everyone left and I was about to attend his funeral and do the same” Ax said

“Oh no! What happened to tufftsy?!”

“someone poisoned the food before we ate in the mess hall. Turns out something meant to incapacitate us mixed very poorly with the Apples...”

“Why? Why would they do that?”

“I don’t know. Without that dimensional scream you had we didn’t see it coming.”

“You know who did it?”

The hooded pony laughed and Dagmire connected the dots

“They wanted to capture us for some reason. Since I was the only one left at paradise they got the jump on me and knocked me out.” Ax finished

“Damn. Do you know what they looked like?”

“Pretty much the guys we just escaped from. Dark hood bloody eyes.” Ax confirmed

“So what-“

CONNECTION INTERRUPTED. IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ANY REMAINING READERS AVAILABLE IN NEXT CHAPTER. EXPLANATION WILL FOLLOW.

Waking up, black sand and dust: it’s not cocain, don’t snort don’t trust

Dagmire and Clearence sat there embracing each other as they waited for the rest of the elements to regain consciousness. In the centre of the room was Luna: free, pure and minty fresh! Clearance decided it was time to shove off and after getting up and throwing himself and Dagmire through the window they ended up back in their ol faithful bar: the debauchery. After making sure they were clean and safe Clearance decided to open up shop again... only to find it was a simple door at the front instead of a window. This was bad. It meant that the harmony in the world they just visited was so strong that it maneged to balance out and instead of having access to the multiverse they were stuck In Equestria until the chaos went off the charts again.

In short they were stuck indefinitely for the time being.

Dagmire sighed at this revelation and simply flipped the “FECK OFF” sign to it’s respectful “GET IN BITCHES, WE ARE GOING DRINKING” on the other side. A special enchantment allowed this message to only be seen by adults and the bar is completely invisible to anyone under the age of maturity. An hour passed and the door knocked, as Clearance went to let the customer’s in, Dagmire felt a sense of dread. A gut feeling that this would be a long night kicked off and Dagmire quickly began stocking the shelves with snakes and for this occasion, regular whisky for those who might not like snakes. This sparked an idea in Dagmire’s mind and he quickly noted down to at some point invent snake whisky. The door opened and there stood Luna trying to get away from the celebration outside.

“Greetings jester” Luna said wearily remembering how her final moments as nightmare moon ended with strangulation

“Hi...sorry about my uh outburst.”

“It is fine. We needed something like that anyway”

“What? Why?” Clearance said while pouring a glass of whiskey for the mare. She remained silent and as she quickly downs her drink, the door receives a hearty knock alerting Dagmire about new patrons to snake...-er serve. That’s right serve.

Clearance opens the floodgates and twenty ponys in party hats prance in the room with one harmonious and completely unified cause:

To all get absolutely obliterated.

“So what be your poison’s lads? Snakes? Whiskey? Adventure? We got all you need and more! Just try to avoid the stairs. That’s where the snake pit is.”

Most of them stared at the strange creature pouring princess Luna whisk but few pony’s laughed at this question until a quick demonstration showed that there was indeed a snake pit on the stairs.

The quiet yellow one that Dagmire remembered was a part of his and Clearance’s adventure a few hours ago seemed strangely interested in the snake pit. Dagmire was slinging drinks left and right as many of them decided to order. One of the glass snakes from the pit emerged and wrapped around Dagmire’s leg and looked into Dagmire’s eyes pleadingly.

“Sorry buddy. We gotta wait just a bit longer. We can start after hours ok?”

The snake nodded and uncoiled from Dagmire’s leg and returned to the side pocket of the stairs to return to the pit.

“Heh you know for snakes made of glass they sure are soft.” Dagmire said

“What?” The yellow pony asked

“Oh sorry. I got distracted. Welcome! What’s your poison?”

“Water.” She replied

“Ah the old classic. Mineral, magic or regular?”

“...?” The pony seemed confused

“Ok so the magic water isn’t actually magic. That’s just a title I use for the...”premium” water that someone requested before.”

“How could water be premium?”

“Hell if I know but it seems to keep a few people satisfied so I sell it.”

“I’ll have mineral water if that’s ok.”

“Oke-doke-Smokey! That’ll be two gold”

The pony handed Dagmire the gold and he in turn gave her the water. The pony remained secluded from the rest of the ponys and simply sat at the bar

Eventually Celestia took Luna home and the crowd thinned, only a few remained.

“Ok I think we should be fine now. Clearance could you help start the snake rave?” Dagmire asked

“It would be my pleasure”

“Snake rave?” The yellow pony asked

“It’s what Dagmire does for the glass snakes every other Tuesday” Clearance answered

If the yellow pony’s interest wasn’t already peaked it sure as hell was now

“Can...can I watch?”

“...”

Invisible to the pony, Dagmire smiled under his mask

“I would be delighted to have you!”

Dagmire set off to go and clear out the bar from all remaining ponys. After he finished closing up shop the only ones remaining were Dagmire, Clearance, and the mystery pony.

“Clearance...”

“Yes?” Clearance replys in anticipation

“RELEASE

THE

SNAKES!”

Clearance pulled the poll on the stairs down to expose a few gears and a glowing crystal gem. The pit on the stairs lowered and the small cupboard under the stairs was replaced with a shiny force field. Many snakes passed through the open hole and each one began taking on a new colour when it passed the field. When all 58 snakes made it out of the pit it looked as if the room was covered in long glowing see through gemstones. The yellow pony watched in awe as they traversed the room like a sea of serpents once Dagmire began playing music on that strange music box he always has. It was a soft and gentle melody.

“Hey. You know your the first person to ever ask If you could watch Dagmire. What’s your name?” Clearance asked

“Oh it’s Fluttershy.”

“That’s a nice name.” Dagmire said overhearing the conversation.

A few snakes had looked at the newcomer with a bit of curiosity. Some looked strangely familiar to Fluttershy.

“Oh hey! Newcomers! Uh hi... I’m sorry for what happened to you. This will be very strange for a bit but hey it’s not that bad. Besides. There’s a good chance you’re going to see them again before you all shove off. Enjoy the moment my friends.”

The snakes nodded and left one by one until only one ruby coloured snake remains

“Yes?”

The snake simply stared at Fluttershy as it began shifting colours rapidly and shaking uncontrollably. The music went silent and everything seemed to completely stop for Fluttershy. Dagmire gasped and Clearance quickly threw off the curtains blocking the moonlight. The moonlight rested on Dagmire’s music box as he took it out and began playing a very soft melody that Fluttershy immediately recognizes as a lullaby her grandpaw used to sing to her when she was a little filly.

The snake shattered and a bright light emitted and shifted until it took the form of an old and weathered stallion. The ghost pony simply smiled at Fluttershy as he handed her a note. It read: “don’t forget about me now. I won’t forget about you shy.”

Fluttershy read the note and managed to see her grandfather smash through the moonlit window. She ran over and saw her grandfather rise higher and higher until all she could see was a distant light in the sky. A new star had been born and after many years of waiting he finally got his wish.

Dagmire finished the lullaby on a soft high note.

“memento mori, sed etiam vita ... vita, quae est cum eo.” Dagmire said

“What?” Fluttershy asked

“Remember death...but also the life that comes with it.”

Dagmire’s scythe gaind a few more decals on it depicting a Pegasus mid flight.

“Alright three down...fifty five to go.”

Fluttershy fainted

Author's Note

PLOT TWIST: DAGMIRE ISINT AN ELEMENT OF HARMONY.

“Why pick a low hanging fruit when you can uproot the whole damm tree?” Dagmire the discorded’s remark after blowing up the necromancer’s tower, saving the world in the process and derailing the campaign all at the same time

The warden: tits me’gee and his retard three get fucked up by a dragon-born, a small basilisk, an anime protagonist and a hillbilly with a shotgun

Author's Note

“Aight. Let’s bag a dark lord” - Cletus Arkmoon moments before blowing a hole through a large door by ramming a goblin in armour into it

The warden: tits me’gee and his retard three get fucked up by a dragon-born, a small basilisk, an anime protagonist and a hillbilly with a shotgun

Things to buy:

Milk,

Eggs,

Fruit thing?,

Spanish cheese,

Wait a second...

It has just dawned upon me that this is in fact. Not notes.

ANYWAY

Dagmire awoke with another start and someone was knocking on the door. Grumbling Dagmire put on his pants and went to the door.

It was a downtrodden strong

“(Sigh) I need your help...” she admits

“Ok”

“I know I’ve- Wait what?”

“You need help and that’s that. So I’m helping. Give me five minutes and a loaf of bread.”

Strangely she had some on her

“Alright. Now I gotta go round up my friends. This isn’t going to be something we can do alone”

“What are your friends going to do? They clearly aren’t trained-“

“Well neither am I yet I still make heads stop, drop, and/or roll” Dagmire said while grabbing his armour and items from his chest

“For something like this you’re going to need more than numbers” Strong said only now noticing that Dagmire wasn’t human anymore

“True...give me ten more minutes.”

Without any further information Dagmire left the bar and sprinted over to the library

“Hey Clearance! We gotta go do stuff!” Dagmire shouted up to the balcony

“Why? Kinda busy!” Clearance said while chasing a parasprite

“No don’t hurt it!” Fluttershy called from within

“Oh crap! We gotta get rid of that thing!”

“Why? Is it dangerous?” Twilight asked

“Yes! These things are literally what causes small towns like this one to fall apart!”

The parasprite multiplied

“That’s it! Dagmire call Cletus!”

“CLETUS CLETUS CLETUS!”

A massive bolt of thunder struck the ground leaving a large man in overalls wearing a dusty Stetson in its wake. The man spotted the bugs and immediately caught them in a butterfly net before smashing them with his boot obliterating both the bugs and the net.

“You rang cousin?” The mountainous man asked.

“Yep. We got a Zander situation again.” Dagmire said

“Aight. Ah’ll help ya. Just like ol times!”

“Who’s that Dagmire?” Twilight asked almost expecting such a strange occurrence at this point

“This is my cousin Cletus. We’ve been close ever since we’ve met!”

“Yup! Me n’ Daggy are slicker than spit on a sword!” Cletus said with a smile while hugging Dagmire

“Ew.”

“Well we got to get going now! We’ve got a corrupt prison to deal with” Dagmire said while Clearance followed the two heading to the bar.

“Strong? Meet Cletus. He’s no stranger to this situation”

“Howdy” Cletus said politely

“Nice to meet you. Now we got to get there soon. He’s rounding up civilians as we speak”

“What?!”

“Ahm going to kill em...” Cletus said with a fire in his eyes

“Well first we gotta get there. Let’s get going!” Clearance said while leading the way

Three hours passed and they arrived at the town

“...where is everyone?” Dagmire asked

“...” Strong remained silent

“Hey Cletus. We need to wishbone his ass” Dagmire said with a grimace

“Ah was think’n the same thing” Cletus said

“What’s a wishbone?” Strong asked

“Well it’s when two people grab a person’s legs and pull in separate directions until one of them...breaks” Dagmire said not mentioning the fact that half the time a leg comes off

“Alright. So here’s the plan. Dagmire will district the guards and Clearance will turn them to stone. We. Do. NOT. Kill. Then when we get to the warden and his three lackeys we do the same thing with them. Free everypony and get out before they break free of the stone.” Strong said

“Alright. Let’s do this-“

“Ah already got em’” Cletus said while showing off the moving burlap sack containing the warden and three others

“What?!”

“While you were talking ah noticed he was walking the street burning buildings. So I just walked up n’ hogtied em”

“Oh no” Strong said while the bag suddenly exploded

“You thought you would get away with this?” The warden said while kicking away Cletus

“This time. We’ll skip right to the execution” a lackey said with a shit eating grin

“Ok. Strong? How about we finish this once and for all?” Dagmire offered

“Maybe we’ll pay little breeze a visit-“ a lackey said before getting a hoof stuck in his teeth

Strong slashed wildly at the lackey and eventually got a direct hit to the head.

Dagmire took out his music box and wound up a crank. An intense melody began pounding from the box as Dagmire charged toward the warden. He dodged the warden’s wild swing and he grabbed the warden’s leg.

Dagmire spun around madly with the stallion in his grasp

“CLETUS! READY!”

Cletus sprinted to Dagmire and cocked his shotgun

“AIMING!”

Dagmire threw the tiny horse into the air and Cletus fired a round into the target...only for it to break like it was a peace of glass

Cletus was impaled by a horn and blown to pieces by its magic

“Don’t you see? This is your fate” the warden spoke unaware of how bad of a mistake was made.

“...”

The lackey’s suddenly stopped fighting Clearance and Strong and suddenly dropped to the ground.

Cletus’s body had floated into the air and the hole in his chest regrew.

“All this will do is let me kill you again”

Cletus And Dagmire grabbed his hind legs and split the warden in half. After screaming in agony the fake shattered

“Oh you’re never going to le-“

the real warden was cut off by Dagmire’s frost breath encasing his head and a spear skewering him through the head

“You know it’s- AGH!”

The warden was silenced by the horn on the spear burning through his skull. Dagmire snapped the frozen horn off with ease severing the bone from the skull and stoping all of his magic.

“This one’s for my friend...bitch”

Strong drove the spear all the way through his head and hurled the spear with the warden still attached into a wall. The spear made contact and a massive blue explosion shredded what was left of the warden into ash.

A lackey tried to backstab Strong but was bludgeoned by one of his now stoned partners

“Cheeky cunt tried for a backstab.” Clearance said while tossing the statue he hit the pony with aside

Strong collapsed to the floor and began crying.

“...Ah gotta go tend to mah prickelpigs. It’s been fun”

A bolt of lightning struck Cletus and he was gone leaving Dagmire and Clearance to tend to the sad mare

“It’s going to be alright” Dagmire said awkwardly patting Strong on the head

“Hey Strong. We got a prison full of innocent’s to deal with. You gotta be strong for them alright? They need a leader. Trust me” Clearance said wisely

Strong nodded and wiped away the tears

“O-ok. I can do this” she said while hugging Clearance and walking down to the prison without acknowledging Dagmire’s help

“...alright. Let’s go home.” Dagmire said

“Aren't you mad that she didn’t thank you?” Clearance asked

“If we were getting paid that it would be different cause she would have just left without paying. That’s the time we go and ask for a thank you. And besides, who would want to thank me? You’re the saviour of this place.” Dagmire said sombrely

“...”

It was a quiet yet restless night for Clearance as he pondered what Dagmire said

In space no one can hear you scream. In cloudsdale everyone can hear you whisper: can’t get to cloudsdale? Just fly there. Have cancer? Just don’t. Hotel? Trivago.

Author's Note

“Dagmire. Why is there an orchestra in my house?”

“we need more bards”

“Why?”

“Well I can’t always play your music while we fight so I made a deal with some fine folk.”

“But why are they here?”

“Oh these aren’t the ones I hired.”

“...why are they playing boss fight music?”

“They are doing what?”

*BOOM*

-Dagmire the discorded on why there was an orchestra in the mages house

In space no one can hear you scream. In cloudsdale everyone can hear you whisper: can’t get to cloudsdale? Just fly there. Have cancer? Just don’t. Hotel? Trivago.

Dagmire approached the library and saw rainbow outside practicing for something while Fluttershy tried to cheer her on. Dagmire entered the library and caught the end of twilight’s conversation

“Thank you so much for helping me clean up all these books, guys. It was a crazy week of studying.” Twilight said

Suddenly rainbow smashed through the window and knocked over the bookshelf

“Sorry about that ladies. That was a truly feeble performance.”

“Actually, it wasn't all bad. I particularly liked it when you made the clouds spin.” Fluttershy complemented

“ Ugh. I'm not talking about my performance, I'm talking about yours. That feeble cheering!” Rainbow said

“What are you two arguing about?” Twilight asked while trying not to blow a gasket

“Were we arguing? I'm sorry.“ Fluttershy apologized

“ugh I wish you guys could come to Cloudsdale to see me compete in the Best Young Flyer Competition.” Rainbow said

“What’s that?”

“It's where all the greatest Pegasus flyers get together and show off their different flying styles! Some are fast!” Pinky said while mimicking a car “And some are graceful.” Pinky said as she smashed into the wall

“Golly. I'd love to see you strut yer stuff in that competition.” Applejack said

“Yeah. I wish you guys could be there. Fluttershy's a great support, but her cheering isn't exactly inspirational.” Rainbow said

“Ooh! I'd love to see you make a sonic rainboom! It's like, the most coolest thing ever! Even though I've never actually seen it, but I mean come on! It's a sonic rainboom! How not cool could it possibly not be?!” Pinky said quickly

“Well I might be able to come.” Dagmire said

“That’s right! You have that curse thing!” Rainbow said with the subtlety of the Incredible Hulk

“Yep. It’s going to suck to be without boots but I should be fine.” Dagmire said while suddenly getting picked up by the speedster

Suddenly Dagmire was in rainbows house without his boots. The “floor” was surprisingly solid. It seemed that clouds followed different rules In Equestria

“Rainbow where are my boots?” Dagmire asked

“They are in that bag thing you have.”

“What? My bag of holding?”

“Dagmire I’m not that dumb. It’s just a bag. What’s with the holding bit?”

When rainbow turned around Dagmire was gone and only the bag was in her house. Panicking she quickly grabbed the bag and flew out to try and catch Dagmire. She was freaking out when she couldn’t see him but suddenly the bag moved And Dagmire’s head poked out of the little satchel

“Sup?” Dagmire said

“What?!”

“Yep. Magic. It’s a bag of holding because it is enchanted to hold many items at once. Including people”

“Woah. I could pull some awesome pranks with that!”

“Yep. But for now let’s go to that contest you were going to.”

“Alright.” Rainbow replied

After grabbing something that looked like a lock box and telling Fluttershy that they would meet in cloudsdale, rainbow dashed (pun! HHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!) off into the clouds while dragging Dagmire along with him flapping in the breeze like he was a wacky inflatable arm-flailing tube-man. A few moments later Dagmire and rainbow were in line for the competition

“-I’m just saying that would be a mistake”

“Oh come on! You said it could make me go faster!”

“It makes everything go faster. Including your opponents.”

“Darn. Well what-“

“No. Listen. After the incident we had last time I’m not doing anything unless things go wrong”

“Fine.”

“Good. Also we got your entry pass an hour ago. You’ve Been spending so much time arguing with me that we now need to go and prepare for it after that tour you offered your friends”

“Tour? Nopony else is-“

Dagmire let out an audible groan and turned Rainbow around to see her friends using the cloud walking spell.

“...oh. Now I remember. Well come on! We gotta tour cloudsdale!” Rainbow said without missing a beat.

Rainbow quickly left with her friends while Clearance coiled around Dagmire.

“...a piggyback ride?” Dagmire asked

“Yep.”

Dagmire gave an inquisitive look at Clearance and noticed that his pupils were completely narrow like a cornered cat. Under his calm mask (irony!) he was likely freaked out by something

“Alright.” Dagmire said as Clearance got on Dagmire...

And the two sunk through the clouds.

Thinking quickly Dagmire stuffed Clearance into the bag of holding and he began flapping his arms as hard as he could

Thanks to his strange weight being that of a damp feather, Dagmire managed to start ascending.

“Look at that mommy!” A little Pegasus said to his parents as he witnessed one strange ass bird fly south for the winter

“Wow...nature is beautiful” the mother said awestruck as the creature started sparkling with little black specks falling from it

”OW FUCK I GOT SAND IN MY EYES! AGHAAAAAA-“

“It sure is sweetheart” the child’s father said as the strange bird stopped on a cloud likely resting from its long journey

Dagmire was standing under a cloud using the rain to flush the sand from his eyes

“I’m sorry Dagmire. I thought that you were good with the clouds” Clearance said from within the bag of holding

“It’s fine. When nature and magic mix, usually nature pile drives magic into the ground” Dagmire surmised

“So...What now?”

“Well that fiasco made us lose an hour... so we gotta get to the rainbow factory”

“You mean that large building that’s spewing out clouds?”

“Yep that’s the one”

“I think we are on top of it.”

“Oh...well then I guess we just jump down?”

Before Clearance could object he poked his head out and saw that Dagmire was about to hit the clouds below him.

Dagmire landed silently behind three ponys who seemed to be finishing up insulting Rainbow Dash.

“See you then, Rainbow Crash!” One of them said as they flew off following rarity

“Did you see that? I was so assertive!” Fluttershy said asking for praise

Clearance slid out of the bag of holding and approached rainbow

“Hey rainbow. Why the long face?” Clearance asked with genuine concern

Dagmire’s mask flashed

*BA-DUM-CRASH*

“...sorry. This happens sometimes” Dagmire said as the drums dropped through the clouds and shattered on the ground far below

“What am I gonna DO?! I'll never win the competition now...” rainbow said as she half heartedly made her way to the stadium

They arrived and rainbow was escorted away. After constantly changing her number so she wouldn’t have to go and rarity taking her sweet damm time preparing eventually:

“Look, ladies. I don't know what to tell you. There's only time for one more performance. If you both want to compete, you'll just have to go out there together!” The announcer said

“Well, Rainbow Dash? Shall we?” rarity said

Rainbow nervously babbled like a toddler on the peak of a roller coaster

“Good luck, Rainbow Dash. Just do your best. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of changing our music. That "rock and roll" doesn't really match my wings.” Rarity said her bitchness showing

The round started and rainbow made a few mistakes that the pony’ from earlier capitalized on as they made fun of her completely ignoring rarity flying like a brick with pretty wings and a pretty lil red bow

“You know what? Fuck this. CUT THE MUSIC!” Dagmire said getting out his instrument

Dagmire’s mask flashed and the music halted. An intense melody began playing from the music box as Dagmire played the strings faster than a woodpecker smashing its face into a tree

Rainbow and rarity were just a little bit faster and rainbow made more elaborate tricks. At the same time rarity grew more bold as the song carried on.

Eventually rarity fucked up

“Look upon me, Equestria, for I... am... Rarity!” She said as her wings evaporated and the song stopped

She fell and ended up knocking out her would be rescuers with her flailing.

The climax of the song kicked back in and rainbow blasted through the sky and caught them with a massive explosion of light and colours

And then Dagmire stopped looking through a kaleidoscope and then rainbow did the sonic rainboom.

See? I pulled a sneaky on ya

“Nice” Dagmire said content with himself

Rainbow set down the ponys on the clouds (and she set rarity on the hot air balloon as without the wings she couldn’t cloud walk)

From there she began flipping out as her hero’s thanked her for her actions and rarity was forgiven.

After the ride down and even more apologies from rarity, Dagmire and Clearance went back to the bar for a nice nap. When they returned some glass snakes were looking out the window longingly.

“They’ll come eventually. They always do” Dagmire said comforting the lost souls

All but two snakes left. The two that remained weren’t as colourful as the rest and was coloured soot black in some spots causing them to look as if someone tried to light a window on fire and stop when the scorched mark was left. They looked at Dagmire with a look of concern

“...yes I know it’s going to be quite sketchy If he comes...he’s probably going to hate me because of my heritage. I still don’t give a shit. You two are going to meet him again say goodbye and have the best fucking afterlife there is.”

The two snakes seemed unsure

“Come on. I knew the risks when I took you two in. Let’s just rest for now and see what tomorrow brings ok?”

The snakes paused as if thinking and then slowly nodded before heading back into the pit

“Alright. Now then...”

Dagmire collapsed from exhaustion on the spot and began snoring loudly as Clearance picked him up and took him to bed

Chaos quickys: consequences

Author's Note

A little something extra for the long wait 😓

Chaos quickys: consequences

“Am I really ready for this? For this choice I’ve made? Once I make it I can never go back. The consequences of my actions shall haunt me for as long as I live if I make the wrong choice.” Stella said to an unusually serious pinky

“You can’t Change your mind you know. Once you make it that’s it. It’s over. You will be living in uncertainty until it’s too late to change your mind. Never again blessed with the freedom of choice. Are you absolutely sure this is the choice you wanna make?” Pinky asked Stella

“...yes. I’m sure of it.” Stella confirmed

“Alright then. Things are in motion that cannot be undone” pinky said

“Alright here’s your rocky road miss. And for you sir?” The vendor asked Dagmire

“I’ll have a scoop of vanilla” Dagmire said

“Fool” pinky said cryptically

Where I’ve been and the future of this story (spoiler, I’m planning to continue)

Hi it’s boxcat. I have something of a confession to make regarding my story’s. If it wasn’t obvious they were self indulgent writing written by a lonely fool. I mostly wrote these as a way to escape. Unfortunately in later chapters I started getting rather obsessed with the idea that I was some secret chosen one or some other crap. Took a lot of self reflection but I decided it was unhealthy and only alienating me from people who do care. However I feel that Dagmire’s story is not yet complete and although it might take some time I wish to finish this story. Somewhere around the 100k word mark is where I’ll be satisfied and finally able to put this chapter of my real life to bed. It’s been what, 3 years? Life happens and often gets in the way. So consider this me officially returning to this story. And to writing on this website for the final time. After I finish up Dagmire’s story I believe I need to start making my own. In real life. Take a tip from a guy around the misery, you need help, ether from others… or you yourself.

I will take a bit of time to learn where I was going with it and finally point forwards for the final time.

We ride again