Chapters Part One: Wait, what? Sober? What??
A cloudy day, temperature normal. She had made friends with the mare from Neighppon she had sought out, but she had accidentally interrupted a critical vote in the provincial legislature, which she’d thought was the entrance to the local cadet branch of the Royal Academy, and in fact was because she’d noticed students attempting to sign up for classes and failing because of a broken system. As the police closed in on her, she used her seven-league boots to leap up to a ledge in the dome, before walking out a window with her friend to the basalt and marble plaza below. Taking a breath, they stepped, or leapt, again, passing through the everything at unimaginable velocity, eventually landing on an isolated stretch of highway surrounded by ocean and in the midst of being pummelled by a tropical cyclone. She asked if anything could be done to help the other poor souls on the stretch of road. The bald, lanky, sunken-eyed stallion Rikskot said no. They stepped again, the rain and wind battering them like buckshot pellets, before they finally landed on an isolated island at sunset. No storms, no police, no irritating stallions. Just her and her new friend. She asked the much younger mare: “Will you please sing for us again?”. However, before an answer came, the world cracked apart into a darkness full of the most oppressive light.
Mayor Meyer Mare coughed as she reluctantly opened one eye to greet the orange hued sun shining directly at her eye level. She blinked, then allowed her eyes to adjust. A sharp pain in the upper half of her sinus cavity made her briefly put hoof to forehead. When her brain and eyes had finally adjusted, she noticed an attendant, resplendent in his fancy clothes and shiny cool-grey coat, staring at her with his unusual hexagonal pupils.
“Who are you? And what time is it?” Mayor Mare asked.
The stallion nodded. “I am Wulfric, m’lady. And it is officially daytime: 11AM!”
Mayor Mare’s eyes first widened, then narrowed at that second bit. “Eleven in the morning, and only now comes the sun,” she repeated. “I have a headache.”
“I see,” Wulfric replied with a frown as he nodded slowly. “Princess Cadance told me the only cure for your headache is time.”
“Cadance? Hang on. I need to process this…”
“Take all the time you need, m’lady.”
She did. Eventually she spoke again, this time more slowly as she focused her deep blue eyes, which were for once not glassed over or bloodshot.
“I’m in the Crystal Empire?” she asked.
“Indeed you are,” replied Wulfric with a small smile and furtive nod.
She shook her head. “Gods, it feels like I’ve been out for a year. I wonder what–”
It was at that point that Raven Inkwell, she of the grey coat, dark brown mane, and thick black glasses, entered. Upon seeing the Mayor was awake and seemingly coherent, she beelined for her.
“Uh, good morning…ish, Raven?” Mayor Mare said as Raven lightly nuzzled her.
Raven did not move for the moment, instead simply stating softly, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“I am,” the mayor confirmed, “And my head is killing me. Also, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Why are we in the Crystal Empire?”
Raven stepped back, her eyes widened, which was only accentuated by her glasses. “You don’t know what… oh my gods. You’re… you’re sober !”
Mayor Mare thought about this for a second, rubbing her temple. “That would explain the hangover,” she said. Then, without warning, Raven pounced and wrapped her in a massive hug, shocking her to the point they both fell off her chaise-longue onto the crystalline floor.
“Ow…” groaned the Mayor. “At least an injured shoulder should distract from my headache. So, uh, Raven. Did we… do anything while I was out of it?”
“No,” Raven replied with a slight pout. “Besides, you know Spike and Apple Bloom have been with us throughout this whole journey.”
“Have they?” Mayor Mare asked. “Then… where are they now?”
Raven scratched her chin before answering. “Spike is probably either asleep or mopping a floor right now. Princess Cadance told him that, as a Hero of the Empire and her personal guest, he was entitled to laze around but, you know him, always feels the need to assist any pony who isn’t Twilight.”
The mention of that name caused Meyer to groan. “And Apple Bloom?”
“She’s in the castle’s upper cellar, at her Potions tutoring. Radestan is an excellent teacher. Not as good as Zecora, but he has a greater knowledge of crystal-based potions. Learning from both will make her easily one of the best potion-makers in this world. Dare I say, a chemist.”
“Well,” Meyer said. “Sounds like they’re having a good time, however long we’ve been here…”
Raven looked towards a random spot near the ceiling. “You… probably don’t want to know the answer to that question.”
“I figured not. So, what have you been doing?”
“Cadance has allowed me to serve as her temporary personal secretary while Eðelþryð is out on maternity leave,” Raven said proudly.
Mayor Mare blinked as she tried to process all this. “So… you’re not working for me, and all of you are settling down to nice lives in the Crystal Empire, where we are for some reason.”
Raven nodded. “Essentially.”
“Then what am I meant to do?” asked Meyer, simultaneously curious and hopeful.
“Well…” Raven said with a guilty look, “We, uh, didn’t plan that far ahead. Honestly, none of us ever expected you would be sober enough to care. See, the Crystal Empire already has a Lord Mayoress who reports to Shining Armor, and the system here hums along in a way Ponyville never could. I guess ponies from before the War really were superior at things.”
“I see,” replied the mayor. “Sounds like I, and we, should head back to Ponyville and try and apply this newfound knowledge.”
Mayor Mare stood up and attempted to leave the conservatory, but Raven blocked her.
“There’s no rush. Let’s stay here. Now that you’ve finally woken up, we can leave the castle and enjoy the city!” Raven said, a little too earnestly.
“What’s there to enjoy?” asked the mayor, gesturing to the large windows through which could be seen one sparse, low-rise, sleepy neighbourhood. “The sun just came up and, if my brain is working correctly, it won’t be for long, meaning we’re in the middle of winter.”
Raven nodded. “Exactly! Best to walk around now while we still have daylight.”
Mayor Mare blinked. “Okay. You logic’d me there. However, I would still like to speak to Cadance if I can. Please, move out of my way.”
She slowly swept her right forehoof to the side. Raven sadly, reluctantly stepped aside so her boss and friend could exit the conservatory, but made sure to follow a few steps behind, just in case.
After turning a few corners, Raven spoke to Meyer in some awe, “How are you able to navigate the Crystal Castle? You hardly ever leave the conservatory.”
Mayor Mare turned back and smirked. “I was part of the delegation from Equestria proper that attended Cadance’s official coronation. We were given a tour of this place in case any of us were to return for more official functions.”
“I… I’m sorry, Meyer. I’m just not used to you thinking rationally,” Raven replied.
Mayor Mare stopped and furrowed her brow, her mouth registering a pursed frown. “It’s scary, isn’t it.”
They eventually reached the tall cathedral style double doors leading to the throne room. A sign to the left of the door probably indicated exactly that, but it was written in the old runes used a thousand years prior which neither Mayor Mare nor Raven could read. Nor could the orange Pegasus stallion in gold armour, who did not sport a ‘crystal’ coat, standing guard outside.
“Please state your business,” he said in his most professional tone.
Raven rolled her eyes. “Flash, you know who we are. Is Princess Cadance busy?”
“Hang on,” said Mayor Mare. “Flash… Sentry?”
“Yes?” Flash replied.
“You showed up in one of my dream hallucination things. You wore leather and everyone hated you for no good reason,” she said.
Flash’s head drooped slightly. “You aren’t the first pony to tell me this.” He sighed. “The princess is inside and, to my knowledge, is not averse to granting an audience to personal guests.”
He pulled open one of the giant doors and beckoned them enter.
On the Crystal Throne, seemingly ornate but in actuality austere, sat a very bored Princess Cadance slowly following the little specks in her lavender eyes with her full head as they sailed across her field of vision. To her right sat Shining Armor, her devoted husband, with a book in front of him along with quill and scroll on which he had childishly scrawled some runes.
The creaking of the door caused them both to perk to attention, though Cadance was a second or two slower. Yet she was the first to speak.
“Uh…? What’s this?” she asked no one in particular, softly.
Flash Sentry, using his best announcement voice called out, “Presenting Mayor Meyer Mare and Secretary Raven Inkwell!”
“We can see that,” Shining Armor mumbled as he grumpily tossed his quill backwards and crumpled up his scroll.
Cadance nodded with understanding. “Thank you, Flash. You may return to your post.”
Flash saluted, rapidly turned on his heels, and left the room.
“It’s been a long time, Meyer,” said Cadance. “What do you need?”
“Well…” began Raven with some hesitation, “I’m not sure how to explain…”
“Let me guess: She’s finally sobered up,” Shining Armor said with obvious sarcasm.
Raven adjusted her glasses. “Um, actually… yes.”
Cadance and Shining Armor stared at Mayor Mare wide-eyed, their mouths agape.
After several minutes, Cadance stepped off of her throne and approached the not-at-all-drunk mayor. Mayor Mare, for her part, tilted her head in confusion.
“Is it really that big a deal that I’m not drunk?” she asked.
Cadance nodded. “You’ve, uh, been in a state of, um, ‘altered consciousness’ for quite a long time. So, yeah it kind of is a big deal. Also, you usually don’t come to see me… not since you threw a pony-sized pink quartz at my head after I ordered Apple Bloom to cut off your supply of moonshine.”
Mayor Mare blushed, turning to Raven. “Did I do that?” she whispered.
“Uh, that was… just the first part. You’re really better off not asking details,” Raven replied softly.
“Fair enough,” said Meyer with a sigh. “I’ll get right to the point…”
Shining Armor and Cadance made brief but worried sidelong glances at each other before Meyer continued.
“It appears to have been a very long time since I’ve left Ponyville, and it seems I took advantage of your hospitality for far too long and without proper gratitude. So, now that I’m back in control of myself, I’d like to return home and resume my job,” she decreed.
While Cadance stared at the mayor quizzically, trying her best to maintain a neutral expression, Shining Armor facehoofed.
“What? What?” Mayor Mare asked them pointedly.
“That… isn’t exactly possible right now,” said Cadance.
“Why not?” inquired Mayor Mare, her expression belying her mounting testiness.
“You really don’t wanna know,” Shining Armor and Raven said in unison.
“It’s been a bit of a lowkey crisis, actually,” said Shining Armor in a wearier tone than Raven or the mayor had ever heard from him.
Mayor Mare slowly nodded her head, a serious expression on her face. “Look. In my too many years as Ponyville’s appointed mayor, I’ve successfully helped the beings under my care cope with floods, pestilence, beast attacks, racial tension, Twilight…”
“My little sister can be a hoof-full,” Shining Armor mumbled with a quick chuckle.
Cadance shook her head and shrugged in disbelief. “Was I the only one she wasn’t a pill towards?”
“Yes,” replied everyone at once, including Apple Bloom and Spike, who had quietly entered the room during the conversation.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Spike said. “But, are we talking about Twilight, because I’ve got stories, man. Stories… heh…” he trailed off.
Apple Bloom, along with everyone else, turned to Spike. “Why’re your eyes bloodshot? You been eatin’ them Hashativa crystals in the mine again? That stuff’s got huge bits of hydrotetracannibinol and/or mescaline. They’ll mess ya up!”
“How does she know those big words?” Mayor Mare whispered to Raven.
“I told you; she’s been studying crystal-derived potions,” Raven whispered back.
Apple Bloom cleared her throat. “It’s like Zecora said after I screwed up with that flower: It ain’t enough to know what goes into a potion; ya gotta understand why things work the way they do. Twilight was useless; taught me backwards. But honestly, crystals an’ rocks are easier than plants ‘cause they ain’t alive… usually.”
“Listen,” Cadance interrupted in a voice far more authoritative than anyone in that room was used to hearing. “As much as I’d love to hear about Apple Bloom’s studies or Marquess Spike’s drug-induced ramblings about my sister-in-law, it detracts from the issue at hoof here. Meyer wishes to return to Ponyville, not that I can blame her. More importantly in my mind, she’s sober, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible. I’ve been meaning to travel to the border myself to truly understand the situation there.”
“Um, hun? Is that really a good idea?” Shining Armor asked, clearly concerned.
Cadance smirked as she approached her husband. “Just because you can toss me like a hoofball or javelin doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself. That said, I would feel much safer with you by my side.” She nuzzled him.
Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. Raven pouted out of jealousy. Spike and Apple Bloom stuck out their tongues in disgust.
“Fine,” Shining Armor said, “But, who’s going to watch over this place while we’re gone?”
“I’d say Lord Mayoress Æthelflæd is more than up to the task,” Cadance replied with a smile. “We’re lucky our city has such a capable bureaucracy and someone to lead it in our absence.”
“I’m standing right here, you know,” Mayor Mare interjected with a frown.
Cadance chuckled guiltily, blushing, before regaining her composure. “No offense intended, Meyer.” She then turned to her husband. “Shiny, please gather together half a dozen thermal suits and snow-boots, I’m sure you can guess the sizes needed. Oh! Also six pairs of snow goggles. It’s likely we’ll have to get off our train at the border. Since Meyer, Raven, and Apple Bloom lack offensive capabilities, maybe take along some shields as well in case things take a turn for the worse. Okay?”
“Got it!” Shining Armor said as he galloped away.
Mayor Mare turned to Cadance, utterly befuddled. “What in the world is going on? For the Princess of Love, you’re acting almost like we’re preparing for war!”
Cadance’s countenance dropped as she replied, sadly, “We very well may be. Nevertheless, this is a journey both you and I must take. You’ll understand soon. Once our provisions arrive, get ready quickly. It’ll be dark by the time we leave, which may be for the best.”
“I just hope I’ll get some answers,” Mayor mare said with a sigh.
Outside the tall, narrow windows of the throne room, the sun, which had barely peeked above the horizon, began to dip again.
Part Two: Walking to the Train
The sudden darkness brought with it a biting cold, only somewhat ameliorated by the ambient warmth emanating from the Crystal Heart as it sat silently spinning slowly on its pointed plinth in the exact centre of the Empire.
Mayor Mare looked around as their sextet of five ponies and one juvenile dragon, along with Flash Sentry hauling their provisions in a wagon, made their way out of the Crystal Palace into the streets, which were rapidly emptying of citizens, before giving her verdict.
“Well, credit where it’s due. This city is extremely well-lit. Better than Canterlot,” she said, then sniffed the nippy air. “Cleaner too.”
“We try,” Cadance replied. “If all of you will please follow me to the rail terminal.”
Everyone gave a furtive nod and proceeded to follow Cadance along the wide, well-kept Cwinslæn. The few Crystal Ponies milling about outside their homes or businesses immediately prostrated themselves upon seeing Cadance pass by, not resuming their routines until she had passed. Meyer noticed the look of embarrassment and discomfort Cadance attempted to hide behind a serene smile and furtive bow of her head.
“She really isn’t used to this, is she?” Meyer whispered to Shining Armor, walking two steps behind Cadance to her right as per custom.
Shining Armor tilted his head. “Well, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been groomed for this all your life, which she was. Actually having others bow to you when you’ve always bowed to someone else is a real shock.”
“Why not just ban prostration?” asked Apple Bloom, her breathing slightly laboured as her stubby legs tried to keep up with the rest of the group.
“It’s not that simple,” Raven replied. “The Crystal Ponies are literally of a different time. Some were old enough before the War and subsequent time-slip to remember the Empire’s original Princess, from whom Cadance is descended. As far as they’re concerned, she may as well be the daughter who restored the Empire after a few years of terror and is treated accordingly, whether she likes it or not.”
“And I’m a Marquess!” Spike piped in proudly, his chest puffed out.
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes as the train station came into sight. “I still can’t believe they put a statue of ya up along Monument Circle,” she told Spike.
“You saw my hero-stuff!” Spike retorted.
The Crystal Empire Rail Terminal was, like most buildings in the city, built out of local stone whose high quartz content made it twinkle amidst the bright floodlamps illuminating the entryway and the platform on the other side. As far as train stations go, it was nowhere near as fancy as the Canterlot terminal but much nicer than humble waystations in small towns like Ponyville. A Crystal-pony stallion with a shiny light red coat and silver mane, dressed impeccably in a crisp navy blue suit with gold trim plus matching hat, approached the party and bowed politely for all of two seconds before speaking in a deep voice.
“Good evening, Your Highness,” he said to Cadance. “I am Eihwaz, your humble Station Attendant. We have been expecting you.”
“How does news travel so quickly?” Mayor Mare asked Raven.
Raven shrugged. “Not sure. The Empire doesn’t seem to have telegraph lines.”
“No,” Shining Armor said, “But I have this thing,” he tapped his horn. “I just cast a light-spell with Caddy’s emblem into the sky towards this station and the staff hop to work. I always try to give half an hour’s warning minimum because it takes time to ready a train. After all, we may be the legal rulers here, but we’re still new to the city and I learned a long time ago it’s a good idea to avoid making enemies.”
“Avoid making enemies? Hm. Maybe I should try that approach to governance…” mused Mayor Mare. “……Nah.”
Raven, Apple Bloom, and Shining Armor all facehoofed as Flash Sentry left to help a couple of station workers load the train. After a few minutes, most of which were taken up by the other stallions trying in vain to convince Shining Armor not to help due to his official royal status (only serving to annoy him), the three-car train was loaded and ready to go.
“Why are there three cars?” asked Meyer. “Shouldn’t we only need two? The engine plus one for us?”
Cadance rolled her eyes. “Take a look at how we’ll be travelling,” she said, gesturing to the middle car: a small but absurdly fancy room on wheels, painted dark violet with light blue and gold accents plus an accurate to-scale Crystal Heart relief carved into the door. “I’m sure you can agree that that car can’t possibly hold the six of us plus luggage and provisions for eight. That’s why they add a caboose.”
“Makes sense,” Raven replied.
“Actually,” said Cadance with a sigh, “I had to stop them from adding a fourth car, since the so-called Royal Car is only supposed to be used by me and Shiny. You four are my guests and friends and deserve better than the Guards’ Car.”
Mayor Mare nodded, “I appreciate that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said I wanted to go back home; this is a nice place.”
“Meyer, you made your decision, much to… everyone’s surprise,” Raven said with some measure of irritation.
“Surprise and fear, fear and surprise,” muttered Spike as he and Apple Bloom approached the Royal Car but were stopped by Eihwaz.
Apple Bloom looked at the stallion in shock. “What the hay?”
“Sorry,” Cadance piped in. “It’s a rule. No one enters the car before my bodyguard, then I enter first once the all-clear is given.”
“In case of a trap,” Spike said. “I guess I understand.”
Apple Bloom, however, did not. “But who’d ever wanna attack ya, Princess?”
Cadance tried her best to shrug while keeping all four hooves on the rock floor of the train platform. “It’s only been a couple years since I assumed control of this city-state. Not sure why this place is called an ‘Empire’, but that’s not important right now. The point is, Apple Bloom, even if my city is peaceful, the Northern Wastes are not. In and beyond the mountains surrounding this plain on three sides lie hostile territories belonging to Yaks, Gryphons, and Wild Dragons, to say nothing of solitary monsters like the Yeti. All of them have a reason to want this area and, indeed, were fighting over it for a thousand years during the time-slip. Plus, I have to be concerned about those few who benefited from this city’s previous dictator whose name I’d rather not say. Even a bloodthirsty slaving tyrant has sycophants.”
“What’s a sycophant?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Think about how Twilight acts around Celestia,” Spike and Mayor Mare said in unison, then looked at each other, then laughed.
Just then, Flash Sentry exited the Royal Car. “All clear, Your Highness,” he said.
“Excellent,” Cadance replied. “Come on, everyone, let’s hurry inside. We don’t want to keep the engineers waiting any longer than they already have.”
As Flash Sentry reluctantly began to walk back to the Crystal Castle, everyone else scurried into the Royal Car. Shining Armor was the last to enter due to his insistence on double-checking that they had packed every needed provision and that everything was properly secured. He had started inspecting the wheels when Eihwaz and the two engineers physically moved him toward the door of the Royal Car, much to his protestation.
Through the closed door, the other five could hear his muffled voice saying, “I was Captain of Celestia’s Guard! Stuff like this was my job ! Let me help! I mean, I’m sure you all are good at what you do, but details matter!”
Cadance chuckled.
“I think he’s more like Twilight than he wants to admit,” said Spike. “Or I suppose Twilight is like him, albeit with more of a temper.”
This made Mayor Mare sit up stock-straight. “Why did I decide I wanted to go back to Ponyville again? Someone, please remind me. I think I know what I said, but I am seriously having second thoughts. Am I actually less with-it when sober?” she babbled as Shining Armor was pushed into the car and he magic-locked the door behind him.
“Because, Meyer,” Raven said as she began rubbing her boss’s shoulder, “You realized there was no place for you in the Crystal Empire and didn’t want to be a burden. Very admirable, and I’m sure Ponyville will be glad to have us back.”
“Not like it matters. I doubt we’ll make it to Ponyville,” Shining Armor said flatly.
“Why not?” Meyer, Raven, Apple Bloom, and Spike all asked.
“You’ll see…” replied Shining Armor cryptically as the train’s whistle cut through the crisp cold air and everyone felt the engine roar to life.
Cadance sighed and tried to relax in her overstuffed personal chaise-longue as her personal train chugged out of the Crystal Terminal and down the track into the pitch night and bitter cold of the Northern Wastes.
Author's Note
Stay tuned…
Part Three: Canterlot Interlude
In a spacious, gloriously adorned, well-lit room in a rear corner of Canterlot Palace, Princess Celestia lay on a red velvet gold-trimmed pillow sipping her daily tea while reading documents. As she chuckled softly, she heard a sound at her door: a distinct rhythmic knock wholly different than those of her attendants and guards.
*tap-tap-tap-tap, tap; tap-tap-tap-tap, tap*
She knew exactly who was calling on her. “Come in!” she called in a tone as sweet as the icing on her daily cake.
Her door opened slowly to reveal Princess Luna, her dark coat concealing somewhat the bags under her eyes, which were nonetheless bloodshot. Luna closed the door behind her and approached.
“You appear worried, little sister,” said Celestia, a serene smile still plastered on her face. “Is this not the time of day when you should be resting?”
Luna scowled. “Play me not, Dear Sister. Where is thy Chancellor?”
Celestia’s smile only seemed to broaden. “I believe Orangeglow has temporarily absconded to the Crystal Empire border, along with a few bottom-ranked guards.”
The look on Luna’s face turned even more wild at that. “Art thou not aware that our former ward Cadance is en route to such place as we speak?!”
Celestia nodded, her grin at this point becoming what one might describe as ‘horse-apple ingesting’.
“He insisted on visiting the border,” said Celestia, then finished off the last of her tea before gingerly setting the china cup far away from either of them. “I was not about to interject myself into his actions. To do so would be against the idea of representative democracy, yes?”
“This is about me, is it not?” Luna spat. “Thou never hadst any faith in my plan to improve representation for our subjects! Thus thou allowed’st the Senate to select the worst possible Chancellor, all to make me look the fool!”
Celestia shook her head. “While it is true I did not support your endeavour, it was never my intent to sabotage it. If you wish to blame anyone, blame the Senate. They selected Orangeglow over either of our choices. After a millennium, Nobility can still act unexpectedly.”
“Undeniably. Dost thou even read those daily briefings anymore? We know Orangeglow does not. Equestria’s finances are in tatters, public funds are being grossly misappropriated and sent to sectors which deserve no attention, our relationships with all our neighbours are at their lowest ebb, ponies are marching in the streets in protest. And all of that before we even address what has transpired in Ponyville!” Luna near-screamed.
After a long silence during which Luna calmed down somewhat, Celestia spoke again, her tone almost mirthful. “I wonder what will happen when our dear sweet Cadance reaches the border and meets Chancellor Orangeglow.”
Luna’s eyes went wide. “Thou… thou set’st up this conflict!”
“Indeed I did. This was never about you, little sister. As you know better than most, sometimes the Nobility need be reminded of the larger picture,” Celestia said. “Do you truly believe I am unaware of what Chancellor Orangeglow says about us to others? How he speaks openly of wishing to overthrow me? His hurtful words toward nearly every facet of our citizenry? I have allowed him to get away with it, because I know with every move he makes, he merely threads more rope.”
Luna sighed and buried her face in a nearby pillow, groaning.
“Dear Sister,” she said, muffled, “I hope for thy sake thou hast thought this gambit through. Cadance will not react well. I suspect Shining Armor even less so.”
“Shining Armor is with her, and shall no doubt be livid. I will offer them a formal apology later,” Celestia said breezily.
“Let us just hope no pony dies because of this,” replied Luna, defeated.
Part Four: Screw This, Going Home
Everyone winced in minor pain from the screeching of metal on metal as the train came to a sudden halt, so sudden in fact that all the Royal Car’s passengers (save the royal couple themselves, who magicked themselves to their seats) were thrown forward and landed against the front wall with unceremonious splats.
Mayor Mare was the first to recover. Wobbling in place as she adjusted her glasses, she blinked a few times as her eyes and brain rattled around.
“Ah, that’s more like it,” she said.
Raven Inkwell, still on the floor, turned to her boss, one eye still shut from the shock, and said, “Meyer, if this is how you felt every day before sobriety, then I want no part of it.”
“Why’d we stop?” Apple Bloom asked as she lifted her head up from the crumpled heap, then noticed the little dragon atop her. “Spike? Y’okay?”
Spike turned to face his young friend. His expression was more annoyed than pained, though he smiled when he noticed everyone else was unhurt.
“You know how it goes,” he said. “Thick scales. Can’t feel a thing. Okay, that’s a lie; I can really feel whenever I smack into something, like that time I belly-flopped into a lava pool.”
Raven looked out one of the car’s windows onto an expanse of snow. “It appears we’re still in the Wastes,” she said.
“I’m gonna go check this out,” Shining Armor said as he donned a coat and snow-goggles. “The rest of you should probably stay inside for now.”
“Be careful, honey,” Cadance said as she kissed his snout. Apple Bloom and Raven smiled at the gesture; Meyer and Spike rolled their eyes.
Shining Armor gave her a look of total innocence. “When am I ever not?”
“Do you want the full list or just this year’s?” retorted Cadance with a smirk, although her eyes showed clear concern.
He said nothing as he slid open the door, whereupon a burst of wind and snow entered the car, chilling everyone, until he shut the door behind him.
The sky, from which snow gently fell onto the Wastes, suddenly became lit up by a succession of green bolts of magic, followed by a pained scream, then the ambient magenta light of a protective shield.
Cadance said nothing; she immediately donned her coat and snow-goggles, kicking the car door open as she ran out into the elements. Spike, Apple Bloom, Raven, and Meyer looked at each other and shrugged in resignation, then proceeded to don their coats and goggles and disembark.
They found themselves on a plain, a couple inches of snow blanketing the ground in all directions, white-topped mountains visible on the eastern and western horizons. Immediately in front of them, the railroad tracks stopped in a twisted hunk of steel and wood, obviously deliberately destroyed. In front of that stood Shining Armor, unhurt but with his barrier shield activated. From behind they could not see his expression, but it could not have been a pleasant one since next to him lay the train’s engineer, bleeding from a wound in his shoulder, slowly dyeing the snow beneath him red.
Several feet in front of them stood at least a dozen Canterlot Royal Guards, mostly Unicorns, who had assumed battle stances and expressions, their horns glowing. They were also wearing snow goggles.
Cadance wasted no time as she stomped through the light snow up to the guards.
“What’s the meaning of this?” she demanded in a voice much louder and deeper than anyone was used to from her. Even Shining Armor was taken aback enough that his shield flickered briefly. She glanced down to her wounded driver, then back to the guards. “Stand down. NOW.”
The guards wavered briefly before one of them, who looked exactly like the others but had a few extra accoutrements in his armour, stepped forward to speak.
“I’m the head of this platoon of border security personnel, and we cannot do that, Princess,” he said.
Cadance narrowed her eyes. “That regalia. You’re one of guards stationed directly to the Palace. Surely you know you’re priming to attack your former Captain?”
He nodded. “Yes, Princess. It’s not an ideal situation for us, but we are under direct orders to not allow ANYONE to cross the border wall. You will stand down.”
“What wall?” Mayor Mare quietly asked Raven, who shrugged.
Cadance turned to her husband, still prepared to fight. “Shiny, honey. You can calm down now. This should be easy enough to take care of on my own.”
“But…” Shining Armor replied, dejected, as he returned to an eased posture.
“Now then,” Cadance continued, turning back to the patrol’s leader, “There’s something I want you to tell me.”
“Name, rank, and serial number is all you’re gettin’ from us!” one of the lesser soldiers shouted.
“Quiet!” both Cadance and the platoon commander snipped in unison.
Cadance sighed and locked eyes with the commander again. “Who gave you the command to mobilize and sabotage our railway?”
The platoon commander did not respond.
“What Princess gave you that order?” Cadance demanded, causing everyone except Shining Armor and the commander to take a few steps back in shock. “Celestia would never allow so pointless an action. I seriously doubt it was Luna either. So. Who sent you here?” By this point, Cadance’s wings had unfurled, making her seem even larger, her voice loud and firm enough that even the commander began to sweat.
“I did!” came a male voice from behind the platoon. It was gravelly and high-pitched with a distinct accent.
Mayor Mare and Raven both groaned and simultaneously facehoofed. They knew exactly who that voice belonged to.
The guards, except for the commander, parted the way to allow the owner of the voice to strut his way through. It was a Unicorn stallion, orange with sandy blonde mane and tail (the former looking distinctly artificial), piercing beady blue eyes filled with anger and contempt, and a cutie mark of a single gold bit. His lips remained fixed in a sort of pouty snarl that made him look dyspeptic. His horn and hooves were small for a stallion of his size. Around his neck he wore a stiff white collar with a red tie that was too long; its end was discoloured from touching the snow. Affixed to the knot of the tie was a gold emblem emblazoned with Equestria’s official seal. He was not wearing snow goggles.
Clearly this stallion was important. At least, he thought so. So did the guards, who all bowed their heads in respect. No one in Cadance’s party was amused, though Apple Bloom and Spike were mildly confused.
Cadance rolled her eyes as he approached. “Chancellor Orangeglow. Only you would be so bold. Though, it is good we finally meet,” she said with as much decorum as she could, which wasn’t much.
“Uh-huh,” Orangeglow replied dismissively. “Care to explain why you and your caravan are charging my big beautiful wall?”
At that, Cadance looked to her left and right, eventually figuring out what he was talking about.
“Chancellor, there’s no wall,” she said, “Just a series of signs planted every fifteen yards that have ‘The Wall’ printed on them.”
“Well, we have to protect our border somehow from the nasty creatures in those hellhole countries. Sending them into Equestria to take our jobs. I made a promise that I would do everything in my power to—”
“You do know the Equestrian Diarchy still exercises suzerainty over my domain for now, right?” Cadance interjected. “This is a violation of… probably all the treaties.”
“Excuse me, I was talking. You’re being very rude,” Orangeglow snipped with maximum disdain.
Cadance sighed with a small growl escaping her throat. To her left, she saw her husband scowling, slightly twitching in his apoplexy. As she scratched her chin, desperate to figure out how to defuse this situation, Mayor Mare walked up to the Chancellor, Raven a few steps behind.
“Meyer, don’t do this,” Raven whispered frantically. “He has guards this time!”
Mayor Mare scoffed. “I am too not-drunk to care anymore.” At that she turned to Orangeglow and looked him in his cold beady eyes. “This is stupid. I could literally just walk across this tundra back into Equestria.”
Orangeglow’s eyes widened for a moment. “You’re that nasty pony who set my beautiful mane on fire! The one I had the arrest warrant put out for!”
“Technically,” Raven said in her know-it-all-secretary voice, “It was Spike here who set you on fire,” she gestured over to the little dragon.
Spike jumped. “What?! I set this guy on fire??”
“Uh, yeah ya kinda did,” Apple Bloom said, placing a hoof on his shoulder. “Ya don’t remember ‘cause they gave ya a full cask o’ my moonshine and you were half blacked out. That stuff was just for the Mayor but they gave it to you without tellin’ me.”
At that, Spike immediately started twiddling his fingers. “Twilight’s gonna kill me.”
“Not if these so-called border guards do first,” Raven said to the two of them. Before she could say any more, they were interrupted by Orangeglow.
“Arrest that traitor!” he shouted at the guards as he pointed his forehoof at Meyer.
“Shiny…” Cadance whispered to her husband, who nodded in understanding.
Three guards moved forward from their position in front of the destroyed tracks towards the so-called wall. One levitated a yoke-and-chain attached at the far end to their wagon. However, the instant he stepped one hoof across the border, Shining Armor fired off an attack spell that first sent the apparatus flying and then caused the guard to convulse until he collapsed on the snow, eyes rolled back and mouth foaming. He was not breathing. One of his comrades ran at Shining Armor, charging his own attack spell, but before he could fire it he was immediately reduced to a quivering pile of broken bones as soon as he crossed the line in the snow where ‘The Wall’ invisibly stood.
“Why you… stupid, evil, nasty, pathetic, greedy, ugly, worthless pinheads!” Orangeglow roared as best he could. Cadance, still staring him down, was not impressed.
She gestured to the ‘The Wall’ signs on either side of them. “If you’re going to be serious about this hard border, then I will be too. You don’t get to have it both ways. Sending your border guard stallions into my Empire without my permission violates our sovereignty and we are prepared to defend ourselves from attack. I already refused your extradition request against Mayor Meyer Mare, although you phrased it as a ‘demand’ replete with spelling errors, several months ago. I am the Princess of Love. That means it’s my duty to foster caring and understanding between sapient creatures. However, that may be impossible in your case.”
“Another lousy mare,” Orangeglow muttered loud enough that Cadance and Shining Armor could hear him. She stuck out her forehoof to keep her husband from attacking.
“Perhaps it was just poor luck on both your parts that you happened to be at our border at the same time as she attempted to return to Equestria,” Cadance continued. “Be that as it may, she remains on my territory for now, thus outside your jurisdiction. If you try to send any more guards over this preposterous border, my husband will ensure they meet the same fate as those two unfortunate souls.” She gestured to the corpses of the stallions ordered across ‘The Wall’.
“So, Orangeglow,” Shining Armor said, his voice slightly growly. “Care to explain exactly why you seem to have this vendetta against our Empire?”
Orangeglow nodded. “Sure. Crystal Ponies are ugly, their eyes are weird, and they have stupid names. They’re a bunch of illiterates too!”
“Actually,” Cadance corrected him, “They mostly speak the same language we’re using right now. However, they use an ancient writing system Equestria abandoned centuries ago. But none of that really matters to you, does it.”
“Nope.”
Cadance nodded. “I thought not. So. What shall we do to get beyond this impasse? That of course assumes you even want to. I could have this dealt with in a minute, but I know the second I turn my back you’ll attack me. In some ways you’re no different than the usurper I deposed over a year ago, except he was an actual threat.”
“Um,” Raven chimed in, “What do we do? We’re kind of stuck in a proverbial corner here.”
“I believe I can help with that,” piped a deep male voice that sounded like it was everywhere yet nowhere all at the same time.
“That voice…” Spike, Apple Bloom, and Raven all whispered in unison.
“It can’t be…” Cadance said, simultaneously in awe and disgust.
With a flash of light and a ‘poof!’ sound, a creature that appeared to be a mishmash of at least half a dozen other creatures popped into existence, straddling the top of the invisible wall. The surviving guards panicked and fled as far as they could get.
“Who are you, you ugly snake-horse-goat??” Orangeglow demanded before a snap of the creature’s fingers removed his mouth. He stamped on the snow-covered ground in disgust.
“You’ve been rude enough for one day, Chancellor,” the creature said blithely. “I do wish we could have met under better circumstances. Alas, you evidently didn’t get the memo about me. Or, based on what my dear Celestia has said, you did get it but didn’t read it, evidently a habit of yours. Sometimes I wonder what goes through that old horse’s mind. Perhaps she’s finally gone senile? Or maybe she’s bored and wants to watch the world burn. If so, then I ought to give her more credit. We have more things in common after all!”
Cadance bowed her head briefly. “Hello, Discord,” she said.
Discord levitated off the invisible wall, setting himself in front of Cadance and kneeling, a move that caused everyone else to stare at him in confusion.
“Mi-Amore Cadenza, Princess of Love, Ruler of the Crystal Empire,” Discord said with some degree of respect. “It’s been awhile. You look lovely as always.”
“Uh, honey?” Shining Armor asked.
“Now now, Mon Capitain,” Discord told him with a wag of his finger. “Much as it may surprise you, I’m not here to cause chaos. Thanks to that fellow,” he gestured over to Orangeglow, “I don’t have to.”
“So then, why are you here?” Cadence asked, genuinely curious.
Discord chuckled. “Isn’t it obvious?”
Everyone shook their heads no.
He sighed. “Too simple. You all really need to cultivate and grow more ideas in the garden of your mind. Miss Apple Bloom, I truly expected more from you, for you still retain at least some of the mind of a child.”
At that Apple Bloom pursed her lips. “Well, I might could have an idea why you’re here, but I didn’t want anyone to think I’m crazy.”
“Oh, we’re all crazy here, my little filly,” Discord replied as his hand detached and patted her head. “Just say it.”
“You, uh…” Apple Bloom began, “didn’t like how serious our standoff was gettin’? So you figger’d you’d come an’ do your thing?”
Discord smiled. “Correct! Yet still a bit off. I was sent here on a diplomatic mission to get you four ,” he made a sweeping gesture at Apple Bloom, Spike, Raven, and Mayor Mare, “back to Ponyville. Defusing this idiotic border standoff is just a bonus.”
“Why would Celestia send you to get us?” asked Mayor Mare.
“She didn’t,” was all Discord would say in reply, shrugging.
“Then… Princess Luna?” Raven guessed. Discord shook his head no.
“Twilight?” Shining Armor inquired before muttering, “But that doesn’t make any sense. She hates you and knows I can take care of myself.”
Discord nodded. “Your doubts are correct. I have to be in the mood to let your sister order me around. She doesn’t even know I’m here. Too busy pacing her floor, angry her spells don’t get the cleaning done as quickly as Spike.”
Spike gulped. “Is it really a good idea for me to go back to Ponyville?”
“Not my call, Spike,” Discord replied. “My call would be to give you another lovely little dream.”
Spike shivered at that thought. Apple Bloom placed her front leg around him as she looked up at Discord.
“So who did send ya?” she asked simply.
He sighed. “I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say. These lips… are sealed.” He zipped his mouth closed before continuing. “Mmmph mmph. Mmph mmph mmmph? Mmph mmmph mmmph mmph…”
This went on for over a minute. The whole time, he gestured for his four charges to move to a spot far away from the train while more politely gesturing for Cadance and Shining Armor to board the train with the wounded engineer, who had fallen unconscious and missed the whole thing. Once the three were onboard the train, Discord, with a simple twist of his wrist, flipped it around. Then, with a mere push of his right hand, sent it hurtling back at top speed towards the Crystal Empire’s main and only city.
“Uh…?” Raven attempted to ask but was tut-tutted by Discord.
“Those two are powerful magic-users. I’m sure they’ll find a way to stop their train before it crashes into the terminal. If not, well, then they should probably rethink their positions. It would be a glorious trainwreck; pity I can’t be there to see the outcome, whatever it may be.”
Pinching his thumb and forefinger together, Discord began to blow a bubble from his hand. He arched his back backwards as the bubble grew, until it eventually became several times larger than him, by which point he was laying on his back, or perhaps more correctly reclined while hovering a couple feet above the ground. He inspected the bubble with the eyes of a master craftsman. Satisfied, he pinched it off and gently tossed it into the air. The gigantic bubble moved through the chilly air like a pony through molasses before eventually landing, enveloping the three ponies, one dragon, and one draconequus.
“My direct duty is to you four,” he said once he was certain the bubble had properly encased them all, at which point he blew gently into one upper area of the sphere, which sent it and them hurling into the air at a much faster speed than expected.
“Woah!” Mayor Mare involuntarily exclaimed as she and Spike fell onto their backs. Raven carefully made her way to them.
“Be careful, Meyer!” she said. “What if this thing pops?”
Discord gave her an incredulous look. “Do you really think I would do that? Okay, yes, maybe a couple years ago I would have, but my proverbial wings have since been clipped and, to be honest, probably for the best. It turns out even a being like myself, a manifestation of the natural tendency of the universe towards entropy, needs some level of camaraderie. Therefore, I have allowed myself to supplicate to others and honour their requests, at least when I feel like it.”
Everyone except Raven blinked in confusion at what Discord had said.
“So, Mister Discord,” Apple Bloom piped in. “Are ya tellin’ us we can get home?” She pressed her hoof against the iridescent lining, which bent to her pressure but did not break.
“Why, my dear Apple Bloom,” Discord said with a smile, “You’ve always had the power to go back. Just close your eyes, click your heels three times, or quack I don’t really care, and say ‘There’s no place like home!’.”
“That sounds kinda cheesy,” Apple Bloom retorted.
“It wasn’t back in the old days. Victim of poor adaptation,” said Discord. “Point is, you all are returning to Ponyville. You’ve been gone long enough. I mean, seriously, even I feel like I’m four months late on this.”
Mayor Mare nodded. “Fair enough. But, what about the Chancellor? What about the open-air camps for Gryphon hatchlings and Crystal Ponies? What about the illegal misappropriation of fallow Apple Family farmland? What about—”
Discord placed a clawed finger over her mouth. “Shh. Those things are not your problem now. You and your lovely secretary should get back to taking care of local affairs. If you must, little Apple Bloom here can continue distilling and refining her moonshine. My dear Celestia tells me it packs quite the wallop. Not her words, obviously. Anyway, I will be dealing with those larger issues soon enough.”
“What about me?” Spike asked.
Discord had to think about that one for a moment. “Well, you at least have a much better life with Cadance than you ever will in Ponyville. But, sometimes we all have to endure things we’d rather not. Still, you’re better than most at keeping Twilight in check, which is vital to the stability of the world. Yes I know talk of stability sounds insane coming from me, but in fact it makes perfect sense. I don’t like chaos that’s out of my control.”
“I… guess that makes sense,” Spike eventually concluded.
The giant bubble zipped through the sky south over the various environs of Northern Equestria. The snow had given way to a giant undulating plain with cities dotting the landscape here and there along the waterways. Soon, the towering lone peak of Equus Mountain loomed in the distance to their left, and directly before them lay a river valley with a dark impenetrable forest beyond it.
The bubble slowed and dropped in altitude until it was directly above Ponyville’s central square. In front of the old Town Hall stood the standard makeshift stage with its usual bunting. Ponies had seen the bubble and, curious by nature, had gathered in the square to see it land, which it did on the stage, whereupon it disappeared, as Discord gently floated upwards again.
He smiled genuinely as he said, “Life is a movie. Write your own ending. I’ve now done what I’ve set out to do. Everything else is up to the lovers, the dreamers, and you.”
Then he turned to the assembled crowd. “Farewell, my little ponies! I present to you, your one and only mayor, Meyer!” He shouted through a bullhorn he had pulled out of nowhere.
The assembled ponies lightly applauded. Mayor Mare looked around, confused.
“Go get ‘em, tiger,” Discord whispered to Mayor Mare as he patted her shoulder. “And with that,” he again yelled into the bullhorn, “Discord has left the building!”
He snapped his fingers and disappeared.
Raven, Apple Bloom, and Spike stood on the stage as their friend, Ponyville’s mayor, began to speak.
“Um… It’s been a long time,” she began, “and I hope my absence didn’t cause too much trouble. But, I have learned a few things during my absence that might be useful for this town and the ponies in it…”
In the heart of the Everfree Forest, still wild but less and less outright corrupt with the passage of time, stood the ruins of the ancient capital from whence the Forest’s name came, separated from the former royal castle by deep fissures in the ground. This area, still devoid of trees, allowed the afternoon sun to shine down unlike anywhere else around.
A semicircular central plaza paved with weathered cobblestones sat next to what might once have been homes or businesses, all built of similar stone, but had long since weathered and crumbled, though a few walls appeared to have been blasted by a powerful magic force.
At the exact focal point of the plaza stood the remains of a basin, or perhaps a fountain given its central riser and broken pipe. Its statue was long gone, though tiny bits of white marble scattered about gave a hint of what might once have been.
Near the plaza’s edge sat a small yurt protecting its its occupant from the near-constant winds which blew dust through the few corpse-weeds able to stand the environment.
Discord floated down and knocked on its flap, somehow making a fist-on-wood sound despite the canvas material. “Come in,” replied a female voice that sounded at once youthful yet possessing a weariness that only comes with age.
He entered and immediately knelt down, not yet making eye contact with the being inside shrouded in shadow save for the glinting of a platinum brooch emblazoned with a relief of the moon in crescent plus four stars.
“I have completed your request, madame,” he said with utmost respect. “Though to be honest, it felt anticlimactic.”
“Meyer’s back at her post? Apple Bloom is safe?” she asked, businesslike.
“She is safe. I made certain. She did nearly burst my bubble though,” he said.
“Always curious. Jus’ like me at her age,” replied the voice. “I’m glad to know this ordeal’s over.”
Discord looked up, confused, finally making eye contact. “Over?? That daffy chancellor is still out there causing more chaos than I could ever hope to, caring nothing about the art-form!”
“Wouldn’t be the first time one of Celestia’s over-engineered plans went haywire,” she quipped with irritation. “I’m at the point in my life cycle, such as it is, that I shouldn’t care what he does, but Orangeglow put my dearest filly and my home in danger. I can’t forgive that.”
“Shall we deal with him?” Discord asked.
The owner of the voice shook her head. “Not yet. A moth dealt a poor hand in life can flame out too soon, but an overinflated ego risks gettin’ popped. For now, observe. I’ve got work to do here before I can meet the Princesses to discuss this. I’ll keep ya informed.”
She stepped into the light. Discord acknowledged the green Alicorn with blonde mane and orange eyes who placed her forehoof on his shoulder. “Thanks for your help,” she said softly.
Discord nodded. “Always a pleasure, Lady Antonovka.”
Then he was gone.
Author's Note
Confused? So am I.
Looks like Discord's taking orders from this old mare .
Mayor Mare already lives in interesting times and, like Tornado Alley in Springtime, things may deteriorate.
