"How can I help you, sir?" asked Mrs. Cake
"Yes, I'd like to order two more of your delicious pies, please. Same as the last, please, they were delicious!" said Soarin.
"I'm...sorry, sir, but we're all out."
"...I beg your pardon! ...The pink pony behind the counter said that I was the first pony to order any pie of any variety today! And I only ordered one!"
"I know, Soarin. But after you left, Spitfire came in and ordered all of our pies to go. She flashed a fair pit of cash around too, so we couldn't really refuse. She did ask if they were hot, and we said yes so she wouldn't yell at us about ending up in a full body wing and hoof cast drinking out of a straw. You can lose your job that way. Want to hear a story about one of our worker's adventures?
"Oh, yes please!"
Aug. 31, 2006
It was a grey day on the Island of Sodor. Most engines and ponies had gathered together in their sheds to catch upon whole seasons of TV programs left to record while they were working. But not so much Percy and Pinkie Pie. They had been drafted, once again, to take Jack and Alfie to Cronk Station.
Cronk, for the record, was another station that had just appeared right the hell out of nowhere. The people justified this by smacking anyone who asked about it across the face and hissed at them to 'not overthink things, ugh, oh my gosh you guys', which was effective. Also, people kept confusing it for that one character from the Emperor's New Groove. So that was a pain.
Jack and the Pack were here to build a new repair shed for the people of Cronk. The last one had been demolished by Kelly when the wind had blown so fiercely. But to make matters even harder for them, the rain of the past two days had completely wiped out the building site. It was now muddy and mucky, and some would argue that they are the same things, but they are wrong! The script says so. Alfie, however, loved it.
"LET'S! GET! MUCKY!" said he.
"Now! It's a nightmare out here, especially with the mud, so ye know what that means! Let's make this a catchphrase!" cried a nervous Miss Jenny.
"Safety first!" said Byron, feeding Miss Jenny's addiction to catchphrases.
"And no horsing about, Max and Monty! Ye horse about and I'll get me boys at the yard to send you back!"
"Yes, Miss Jenny."
Miss Jenny glanced around, saw Carlin and stormed over, determined to take out her nervous aggression on someone. "AND WHAT THE BUCK DO YE THINK WAS THE POINT IN TAKING YER TIME!?"
Big mistake.
"Oh yeah!? Well what the buck do you think you're doing coming over here and throwing your stuff at me, you...red headed snot!"
"Oh, OH IS THIS HAPPENING? THANK BUCK! YE LOOK LIKE YER MAMMY PUSHED YE OUT IN A DITCH! And ye smell like ye've not have a bath since domesday, ye American sod!"
"Oh buck yourself to Tartarus off with that! You look the height of fashion sense...if today's fashion was based around Photo Finish, Rarity, Sassy Saddles, or even Coco Pommel, youuuuu WANK PHEASANT masquerading in bitch form!"
"Ummm, Carlin?"
"SHUT THE BUCK UP PERCY!" said the two of them, now nose to nose, staring at each other in complete and utter rage. Percy shut the buck up.
"You know what this means?"
"AYE!"
"WE MUST HAVE A WORD OFF!" The two of them stormed off into the distance to have their argument. We'll come back to them later. Let's get on with the plot.
Jack, Alfie and Pinkie Pie were having a blast, primarily because of all the mud around them. Alfie loved mud. He loved it more than fuel. More than when he was on the TV. More than even Jack. He loved mud, and this was the muddiest mud that had ever muddied a place.
In case you couldn't tell, it was really quite muddy. And in case you didn't, Alfie spinning around like a loon screaming "MUD! GLORIOUS MUD!" while practically rubbing into his frames would have tipped you off.
Byron, meanwhile, was doing his job. He cut straight and precisely. All would be well as long as he didn't notice the several large oak trees that towered over him. "Look at that!" He said, admiringly. "A work of art."
"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDD!" screamed Alfie, who was ready to dedicate the rest of his life to worshipping his messy god, if so need-be. No one was watching Byron work. Which strikes to me as going against the whole 'safety first' issue, but hey, what do I know?
...
"WELL YE'RE SO OLD, YE MAKE BRUCE FORSYTH LOOK LIKE A TODDLER!"
"Well you're so big a numbskull that you'd make the She Wolf of the SS say "That's going a bit too far!"!"
"Oh, a Nazi joke! How very profound! Yer sense of humor is about as up to date as Jim Davidson's, ye out of date hay eating brute!"
"Funny! I was just about to say the same about your hair, you overblown snob!"
...
And now back to the plot!
Max and Monty were, of course, up to no good. The threat of being sent back to the yard..somehow, had not affected them. They raced around through puddles and all the rest, splashing Percy.
"Bust my buffers! CARLIN! THEY'RE BEING MEAN TO ME!"
"BUCK OFF!" came the reply, as Carlin was far too busy coming up with stellar insults to think of anything else.
"What do you think of my wicked, rad, totally not boring trench, Oliver!?" said Byron, proudly. Oliver was trying his best not to sink into the mud. Therefore, he didn't really care enough to make a response. Byron wanted someone, anyone to give him approval! Except for that oak tree.
Because the oak tree could go straight to hell!
Like Nigel.
...Poor Nigel.
His attention was suddenly taken by the sound of two engines revving loudly.
"READY!"
"GO!"
And off shot the two dump trucks. The other Pack members began to drive away, throwing themselves out of the way as best as they could. Alfie couldn't move, however. He shouted out an ineffectual "SLOW DOWN!" but it was too late.
There was a loud crack. The water pipe shattered. And a geyser of it shot up like a rocket and began to drop down upon the ground. And then Alfie began to sink.
...
"YE'RE LIKE A MOLDY KITKAT LEFT IN THE WRAPPER! Ye sound like ye might be appetizing, but once ye take a bite, ye're a load of old dog doo!"
"Speaking of dog doo, is that an ugly gala dress you're wearing, or is that just your natural musk?!"
"BUCK YE!"
"BUCK YOU!"
"BUCK YE!"
"BUCK YOU!"
...
"HELLLLLP! MUD GOD, WHY WOULD YOU BETRAY OUR LOVE!? WHYYYYYY?"
"I'LL GET YOU OUT!"
"Don't, Jack!" said the foreman. "We can't actually afford to lose him!" The workmen shut off the water, but there was no way to get Alfie and Pinkie Pie out of there.
Miss Jenny rushed over, still cursing a storm at Carlin. "BUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A RUSTY NAIL! I go away for TWO minutes and this shite happens! I will have words with ye! Byron! Applejack! Can you help Alfie and Pinkie Pie?"
"I'm coming, Alfie!" Byron and Applejack were not blind, and he could see that Alfie was quickly sinking. "Grab my blade!"
One embarrassing performance later, Alfie admitted. "I can't reach it! NO NO NO!"
"Careful Byron! You'll sink too"
Byron inched closer and closer. "Hold on!" cried Byron.
One slightly less embarrassing performance later, Alfie latched onto Byron's blade. "GOT IT! Now hurry up! I don't want to see mud anywhere near for the next week or so!"
"Come on, lad, come on." whispered Kelly.
Byron pulled and struggled, and struggled and pulled, and all the various combinations of the two until at last, Byron pulled Alfie to safety.
Applejack has just had her lasso grabbed by Pinkie Pie's muddy hooves. She was up to her mane now in the mud."Hold on!" cried Applejack. Applejack also pulled and struggled, and struggled and pulled, and all the various combinations of the two until at last, Applejack pulled Pinkie Pie to safety.
Alfie and Pinkie Pie were happy to be out of the mud. Percy was just happy his friends were safe.
"Well done Byron!" said Percy.
"Well done Byron!" said Alfie and Pinkie Pie.
"Well done Byron!" said Kelly, Oliver and Jack.
"GO DRIVE OFF A CLIFF, BYRON!" shouted Miss Jenny and Carlin.
Eh, thought Byron, three out of four ain't bad.
...
That night,
"Ye'll be spending the next three days in the shed!" said Miss Jenny. "And you should be ashamed of yourselves. You could have seriously hurt someone with your carelessness."
"Yes Miss Jenny." said the two of them, in agreement with her for once.
Then Miss Jenny stormed off towards Carlin. "And ye!"
"Yeah?"
"BUCK YE!"
"BUCK YOU!"
"BUCK YE!"
"BUCK YOU!"
"BUCK. YE!"
"BUCK. YOU!"
PRESENT DAY
"That was an awesome story!" said Soarin.
"Glad you liked it." said Mrs. Cake.
"I gotta go, bye!"
"BYE!"
