The Cute One Part Trois: School Craze

by No one is home

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Profanity, Random, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2457

The most well-meaning degenerates in Equestria are founding a School of Friendship for all creatures. The Cute One Rides Again.

Twilight Sparkle and The Council of Friendship have finally been stripped of legal authority. In a desperate grasp to maintain power, they must become the greatest power mad despots of all... School Faculty.

Published 2019-01-21 15:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-24 14:52:53 UTC

Wait... What happened?

“Cutie Mark Crusaders, Spike,” Twilight smiled warmly at the youngsters as she stood awkwardly in the entry room of the castle of Friendship, “We all appreciate everything you did to help in the fight against the Storm King.”

“We were immediately captured, though?” Sweetie Bell cocked her head to the side quizzically.

“Seriously, we spent the whole war in pony kennels!” Scootaloo blurted out.

-=-=-=-=-

“So…” Apple Bloom interrupted an uncomfortable silence, “Am I th’ only one t’ be surprised that it was Stygian who went all ‘Pony of Evil”, and not Star Swirl?”

“I know, right?” Sweetie Belle replied, “I mean, Stygians such a nice guy, and Starswirl’s… kinda a big jerk… according to Rarity… and every other pony besides Twilight and starlight’s other special somepony… what’s his name?”

“Sun… something?” Scootaloo scratched her head in thought, “You ever notice they both wear capes? What’s up with that?”

“Like you’d never see it coming if Spike went evil, right?” Sweetie Belle observed, “We’d all be watching Twilight… I guess that’s what happened to the pillars.”

“Always th’ ones ya least expect,” Apple Bloom mused.

“But Seriously,” Scootaloo raised an inquisitive hoof, “What’s up with Starlight and cape-ponies? Do they have their own tribe, because they should totally have their own tribe! Can Pegasi be cape ponies? Or do you gotta have a horn?”

“Pretty sure ya just got a wear a cape.” Apple Bloom rubbed her chin in thought.

“We all wear capes!” Scootaloo proclaimed excitedly.

“But I’m pretty sure you gotta wear your cape all the time,” Apple Bloom reasoned, very reasonably, “And we only wear our capes at official meetings. I figure we’re more of a ‘secret society’.”

“So… we’re gonna get sold as cuddle slaves in Abyssinia, right?” Scootaloo interjected from her cage.”

“Yeah, unless Equestria defeats the Storm King in the next hour and a half or so,” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, as she flopped the floor in her own pony kennel.

-=-=-=-=-

“I reckon if you all’d had been 15 minutes later defeating the storm king, or that crew hadn’t taken an insanely long lunch break, we’d be on our way to Abyssinia.” Applebloom shook her head and shivered involuntarily.

“And we sure do appreciate the effort!” Pinkie pronounced with a joyful smile.

“Okay,” twilight smiled and twirled her hoof, “Let me reword that, we all appreciate your efforts and or sacrifice…”

“And the war crimes!” Pinkie burst in once more. “We totally appreciate the fiery war crimes!”

“Technically litteral accessory to war crimes,” Spike held up his claws defensively, “Cappers the one who’s on trial, not this dragon.”

“Okay, the point is we all appreciate your efforts, and/or sacrifices, during the war effort,” Twilight spoke with a friendly smile.

“I still have nightmares…” Scootaloo muttered.

“Geez,” Spike rolled his eyes, “I haven’t had my nostrils licked this thoroughly to distract me from bad news since Scootaloo trapped me in the north tower to make out.”

“Hey, I thought we agreed never to talk about that!” The filly snapped.

“Yeah, so did I,” the little purple drake said with a roll of eyes, “Apparently nopony agreed to that. Live with it like I do.”

“Okay the point is there have been some… changes… some good, some bad,” Twilight sighed heavily, “While the Princesses were trapped in crystal statues the nobles of Canterlot formed a provisional government, and we’re now a constitutional monarchy.”

“Fair warning, the nobles are super racist, so don’t take any of these new rules personally,” Pinkie proclaimed, winking at Spike in particular.

“It’s not necessarily racist, Pinkie” Twilight nearly growled before turn with a smile, “In fact the first part of this presentation….”

“You never said there would be a presentation,” Trixie hissed.

“We got off easy,” Starlight whispered tensely, “roll with it… improvise.”

“The Council of Friendship has been stripped of all legislative, judicial, and executive powers,” Pinkie declared in a burst of confetti, “Yay! Go pseudo-feudal capitalist oligarchy fun time!”

“Thank you Pinkie, it’s not like you just blew half of my presentation,” Twilight heaved a sigh and rolled her eyes.

“There’s only half as much presentation? The Great and Powerful Trixie thanks you very much Pinkie Pie,” the blue showmare beamed.

“Anything for a friend of a friend,” Pinkie replied with a wink.

“The point is it’s not necessarily racist,” Twilight explained with a huff, “They’re just defaulting to a lot of old laws, that were… a little… kinda…”

“Racist?” Rainbow Dash interjected drily.

“...Pony-centric,” Twilight finished with a glare at her cyan friend, “I’m sure they’ll work out the kinks eventually. Normally I’d just declare it a ‘friendship issue’ and make a few random decrees, but now apparently we only have legal authority if we can somehow tie the problem directly to the table of friendship. And unfortunately, there’ve been some… changes… in the Equestrian educational system.”

Twilight passed out three textbooks to the three crusaders, eliciting a raised eyebrow from Apple Bloom. “How come we all three got different text books, and how come mines all about farming?”

“I remember that textbook” Applejack declared with a fond smile, “I had th’ same one when I was a school filly… wait… that’s bad, isn’t it?”

“Mine’s okay, it’s all about how to practice unicorn magic and advance politically,” Sweetie Bell commented cheerfully.

“Well that’s great if your a total tribal stereotype, no offense,” Scootaloo growled in irritation, “My textbook is literally titled ‘Flight and Weather Management: How to Be a Good Pegasus’.”

“Yeah, like Pinkie said… it’s pretty racist.” Rainbow Dash offered a consolatory smile.

“Lucky for me I’m not a pony and legally an adult.” Spike grinned broadly.

“Yeah, about that,” Twilight positioned with a blush, “Thorax has been spending a lot of… let’s call it quality time…”

“We’re pretty sure they’re boinking!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Wait… Like where you go all the way to the alley behind Sugar Cube corner and make out while bouncing up and down?” Scootaloo quirked an eyebrow. “I tried that with Button Mash last week. Not as fun as it sounds... And Button has a restraining order out on me too now.”

“Welcome to the club, fellow crusader!” Sweetie piped in cheerfully. “Well the other club…”

“Ahem.” The Princess of friendship cleared her throat loudly. “As I was saying, Thorax and Ember have been spending a lot of time together, and he’s been working on teaching Ember the… uh… magic of, let’s call it ‘not abandoning your young and just pretending they’re little adults’.”

“Not sure I like where this is going…” Spiked glared at nothing in particular.

“Pinkie? Anything you want to interject?” The purple nerd-pony asked hopefully.

“Naw, you got this!” Pinkie grinned with confidence.

“Well.. you see…” Twilight both hemmed and hawed.

“Oh, come out and say it already!” Rainbow interrupted suddenly, “Ember called backsies, Spike, your no longer considered a legal adult by dragon rules.”

“What?!?!” Spike was absolutely floored. “You can’t take away my quasi-legal-adult-status! Dammit Twilight! I deserve this! How am I supposed to play O&O with Discord sober? It can’t be done!”

“Don’t you worry none sugarcube, Ah ain’t about to let no silly little gov’mint regulation like ‘legal drinkin’ age’, or ‘state issued liquor licenses come between mah brother and his game night.” Applejack shot a wink to the small drake.

“Thank’s AJ, you’re the best,” Spike smiled warmly at his friend.

“Shucks, tain’t nuthin’,” AJ replied to the praise with an embarrassed blush.

“But wait, there’s more!” Pinkie exclaimed gleefully.

“Now I have to enroll Spike in school,” Twilight groused dejectedly, “because apparently being home schooled by the embodiment of friendship isn’t good enough for the school board. And Cheerilee’s school just isn’t equipped to teach dragons… and - it’s - not - racist - this - time - it’s - a - legit - fire - hazard!.”

“If you say so sugar cube.” Applejack rolled her eyes.

“The only way I can see getting around this is if the cutie map suddenly gives me a flimsy excuse to open a school for all creatures, not just ponies, and preferably based around friendship.”

“So we’re just gonna exposition this whole thing like this?” Pinkie Pie raised a critical eye to the author. “Seriously?”

It worked for the season eight premiere, Ponk, just roll with it.

Author's Note

The Cute One Rides again!

Hey look... There's a Theme Song...

My Little Pony
I used to wonder what cuteness could be
My Little Pony
Then I realized that it was me
Expectations are quite low
Our morality is all for show
Justification is an easy feat
And Cuteness makes it all complete
To have
My Little Pony
Cuuttteeeee

“Sooo… you can just magically summon a school?” Starlight asked, looking sideways at her mentor.

“Well, I had to get the proper building permits,” Twilight replied sheepishly.

“Yeah…” Starlight Glimmer rolled her eyes. “I can see how that would be a problem with summoning an entire campus magically into existence… getting the proper permits.”

“I know right?” The purple princess replied obliviously. “It was a lot of paperwork, and I can’t use Spike as my assistant until he’s actually enrolled in the school. It turns out there are loopholes in foal labor laws for ‘teaching assistants’.”

“So they didn’t buy the whole ‘Friendship Farm’ pitch?” Starlight asked drily.

“Oh no, the idea that I operate a ‘friendship farm’ was actually very well received.” Twilight shook her purple head. “Apparently there’s an issue with Spike being my adopted son.”

“Let me guess…” Starlight rubbed her chin with one hoof in thought. “The reason for this is ‘not racist’ because ‘reasons’?”

“To be fair to the Bureau of Foal Services they were established strictly with the welfare of literal pony foals in mind.” Twilight held up her hooves defensively. “I mean it says ‘foal’ right in the name. Spike’s been taking the news… not well…”

-=-=-=-=-

“They said I was a pet!” Spike fumed before the assembled crusaders. “A PET!”

“Wow,” Applebloom mused thoughtfully, “that’s just racist as buck.”

“Don’t let Twilight hear you say that,” the young drake muttered, “She’s still making excuses for the damned bureaucracies.”

“It’s like Granny Smith is always sayin’,” Apple Bloom said in comforting tones, “‘Danged gov’mint tain’t good fer nuthin’ but collectin’ taxes and wastin’ time’. Huh, ya know it’s got bad when somethin’ looks even more racist when you hold it up to Granny.”

“I know it’s a bad time to ask,” Sweetie Belle interjected haltingly, “but… uh…”

“Yes, Sweetie Belle,” Spike grumbled in annoyance, “that means I can’t inherit any properties or titles from Twilight. Also, I’m pretty sure it anuls our betrothal and almost certainly derails your political ambitions.”

“Wait, so you and Sweetie are breaking up?” Scootaloo looked up with sudden interest. “Yes! Scootaloo is still in the game!”

“Wow…” Applebloom looked between her two friends. “I just… seriously… no words…”

“Still. In. The. Game!” The orange filly reasserted with a confident grin.

-=-=-=-=-

A pony, a yak, a dragon, a hippogryph, a changeling, and griffon were hanging around a school campus, and despite this being in Equestria, it was somehow was not not the opening line of an off-color joke.

“So,” the blue griffon smiled mischievously, “You guys want to go get high out by the pond?”

“Oh wow! You can get high on dry land too?” The hippogryph filly squee’d, “That is SO weird!”

“Bro,” the earth pony with a cutie mark of three sea turtles replied with a relieved grin, “I was worried I was gonna have to be the first to ask!”

“Yak are best at getting high!” The extremely fluffy yak declared in her most confident voice, “Winter is long in Yakyakistan! Young yaks get much practice!”

“Pfft, I guess you guys might not be as lame as I thought,” the purple and orange dragonette rolled her eyes.

“Is that legal?” The changeling filly shuffled nervously.

“Meh, it’s legal it Griffonstone.” The gryphon shrugged.

And so much very chillaxing took place by the pond and Sandbar, Yona, Smolder, Silverstream, Ocelus, and Gallus became instantly great stoner buddies, because that’s how that works.

-=-=-=-=-

“They declared your adopted son and/or little brother a pet darling,” Rarity stated flatly, pausing a moment in thought, “Although that have would solved the enrolling him in school issue… surely by now you have to realize that was a little… teensy bit…”

“The new government is racist, Twilight. It’s just a thing.” Rainbow dash rolled her eyes.

“Heck, even Granny Smith said them gov’mint varmints is racist,” Apple Jack drawled, “And when Granny Smith says yer racist…”

“It was a just a little mix up with the forms,” Twilight spoke with a near manic grin, “It’s funny… really. Everypony had a good laugh… except for me and Spike of course, who were mortified and enraged respectively. But looking back one day I’m sure I’ll understand that it was all in fun and they fixed the mistake and Spike is now a non-pony citizen, 2nd class. Which is really just one step down from citizen 1st class, which is only two steps down from unicorn nobility and I’m going to stop talking now.”

“Well, the important thing is it all worked out in the end,” Fluttershy smiled and said contentedly.

“And of course that you got your school accredited so your not just selling junk diplomas,” Pinkie grinned mischievously as she stroked her chin.

“Pinkie!” Twilight admonished her insanely pink friend. “We’re not going to charge ponies for education. What kind of monster would do that? Besides, the school is fully funded. This is an official mission of friendship.”

“Like that smoothie party last weekend?” Pinkie winked at her purple princess compadre.

“Those were smoothies of friendship, Pinkie, those are the rules,” Starlight replied as she walked by, “I’m going to go hand out with Maud in her cave and do not-cult things with her and Trixie…”

“I looked into, and it works the same way we get reimbursed for expenses and lost wages on any friendship mission,” Twilight continued happily, “So long as it involves ‘friendship’, we get paid.”

“I like to think of it as a ‘Thanks for the rainbow-lasers’ thank you card that I get every month!” Pinkie interjected randomly.

“So for instance, if I were to… say… ask one of you to watch one of my shops… as a favor for friend,” Rarity mused out loud, “Not only would I be reimbursed whatever I would have paid the pony I would have paid, you would also be reimbursed for all travel expenses and possible lost wages? I mean should that ever come up…”