Author's Note

Don't ask, it's too stupid to explain what brought this on. All characters are 18+.

Trouser Snake

On a cold winter day, the first day of the final semester of Rainbow Dash's senior year of high school, the most popular and most awesome athlete, guitarist, and pep leader at Canterlot High School staggered and stumbled blearily down the stairs of her family's two-story suburban home, rubbing sleep crust from her eyes, her hair in complete disarray. "Ugh," she mumbled. "I'm so tired I can't even walk straight."

"You're just holidayed out, dear," her mother Windy Whistle called from the kitchen, light laughter and good cheer in her voice. "You'll be right as rain after a good breakfast and a shower and ready to wow your friends with every little thing you do!"

"That's right, hon!" Rainbow's father, Bow, said jovially, not looking up from his morning paper. "Our Dashie's the best at waking up hung over without even drinking alcohol, and the best at putting herself together and facing the day with—"

He was interrupted by a tremendous CRASH as Rainbow Dash fell down the last four steps and faceplanted on the hallway landing. Bow immediately threw his paper aside and shot to his feet, racing over to the kitchen door to check on his daughter. "Rainbow Dash!" he yelled. "Are you okaOH MY GOD IS THAT A PYTHON?!" He drew back, face pale and sweat beading. "SNAKE! ANACONDA! BOA CONSTRICTOR! BIG BIG TROPICAL SNAKE EATING OUR DAUGHTER! GET THE POLICE, ANIMAL CONTROL, THE NATIONAL GUARD!"

"Bow? What is iAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

Rainbow Dash was tangled up in something long, thick, and serpentine. It was dark blue and had a shiny-slimy look about it, and was coiled tightly around her left leg. She tried to sit up, put a hand on it, frowned, squinted at it, and joined her parents in completely freaking the fuck out. "GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!" she screamed as she scrabbled against the faux parquet flooring of the landing, dragging the massive blue beast with her as she struggled to stand. She managed to make it to her knees; the serpent writhed on the floor from where it protruded from the bottom of her oversized T-shirt. "IT'S EATING ME IT'S EATING Mwait."

Rainbow stopped screaming and planted her knees wide and firm on the floor, then grabbed the hem of her shirt and stripped it off. Her parents stared in fascination, astonishment, and horror. Their screams trailed off into confused, stunned silence.

"That...that's not a snake," Bow said. "That's...well...definitely not a snake." He scratched his stubbled chin. "I mean it's kind of a snake, but...huh."

"Rai-Rainbow Dash?" Windy asked shakily. "Am...am I going crazy, or do you have a penis?"

Rainbow wrapped both hands around the massive blue length that had somehow grown out of her body overnight and stretched it out in front of her. It landed on the floor with a pronounced thump. It was thicker than her thighs and about as long. It had a flat disc for a head and a knobbly ring around it part of the way back. It glistened in the overhead lights.

She reached underneath it and felt around. "Yeah there's a nutsack," she said in a flat, dull tone. "I've got really big nuts here."

Rainbow's dick convulsed and shot a thick jet of cum across the living room. Windy fainted dead away.

Bow scratched his head. "Uhh...just gonna go ahead and call you in sick today," he said. "Huh..."

* * * * *

After breakfast (which Rainbow had to stay on the living room floor for), her parents helped her back upstairs to her room. The going had been rough, as Rainbow's new dick kept tripping everyone up until finally, fed up with it, Rainbow gathered it up in her hands and carried it upstairs. As soon as she was flat on her back in bed, Windy brought a bowl of hot water and two bars of soap and a bottle of hand sanitizer and furiously cleaned Rainbow's hands.

Bow had called in sick for work and Windy had canceled her appointments for the day. It was now close to noon, and Rainbow still lay on her back in bed, her new appendage trailing between her legs, dribbling spurts of precum all over her Wonderbolts bedsheets.

"How did this happen?" Bow wondered for the tenth time as he paced back and forth outside Rainbow's bedroom. "The last I checked, eighteen year old girls don't just randomly grow impossibly huge wangs!"

"Well...she does occasionally grow wings and pony ears," Windy said; she was in the bedroom with Rainbow Dash, keeping a discrete distance.

"Yeah, but they always go away after like a few minutes!" Rainbow Dash cried. "This has been going on for hours now!"

"Should we...should we call a doctor?" Windy wondered. "I mean, you know what they say on television about erections lasting more than four hours..."

"Yeah, I don't think this is quite the same thing, Mom." Rainbow sighed, her face beet red. "Much as it sucks, only thing I can think to do is call Sunset Shimmer. If anybody can figure this out, she can."

"You're sure it's magic and not some kind of weird, I dunno, mutation or disease?" Bow wondered.

"All things considered and the fact that it's a horse dick and not a human dick? I'm gonna bet it's related to Equestria somehow," Rainbow said. With a sigh, she grabbed her phone from her bedside table and went through her contacts. "Hey, Sunset? Listen, I've got kind of a...well, problem. It might be Equestrian magic, we're not sure. I'd...really rather not explain it over the phone, it's really embarrassing. Can you come over after school and, umm...take a look?" A pause. "Thanks, I owe you one." Rainbow ended the call and put her phone aside, then closed her eyes and sighed again.

"Are...are you in pain, honey?" Windy asked. "Can I get you anything?"

"Just a glass of water and maybe some aspirin," Rainbow said, struggling to sit up without agitating her monster horse cock. "Think I'm gonna watch some TV until school's out."

"Okay, hon. Just...let us know if you need anything, okay? And...and try not to mess around with it too much..."

Rainbow snorted. "I'm way too freaked out by this thing to go messin' with it."

* * * * *

By the time Sunset Shimmer arrived, there were dozens of crusty, congealed cum stains all over the walls and ceiling. Rainbow Dash held her dick in both hands, swinging it back and forth like a Tommy gun, making "pewpewpew!" noises as she fired off jets of cum at the ceiling.

The doorbell rang, and Windy called from downstairs, "Rainbow Dash, your friends are here!"

Rainbow looked around at the ridiculous mess she'd made of her room, and her eyes shrank to pinpricks. "Oh crap," she muttered. She looked at her hands, which were sticky and gross, and grabbed the bowl of now-tepid water and soap her mom had left, furiously washing her hands as her dick flopped down between her legs and twitched idly.

There was a knock at the door, and Sunset Shimmer opened it, taking a half step in. "Hey, Rainbow Dash, you oka—" She froze, her nose wrinkling in disgust. "Ugh, it stinks in here! What—"

The door exploded the rest of the way open, and Pinkie Pie pushed her way into the room past Sunset. "Hey Dashie! We missed you at school today! Don't worry, we're all here to cheer you up and make you a hundred percent better and HOLY CHALUPA IS THAT A GIANT HORSE COCK?!"

Sunset Shimmer looked all around the room slowly, her eyes contracting to pinpricks, her mouth dropping open in absolute disbelief. "Oh. My. God."

Rainbow chuckled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head with one hand—and coming away with a wad of stray cum. "Eheheh...I got bored waitin'?"

Rarity took one delicate step into the room. Her nose twitched. The stench assailed her delicate senses. She turned green. She promptly turned on her heel and ran to the second floor bathroom, where the sounds of violent retching filled the house mere seconds later.

Fluttershy walked into the room. She stopped short as she took in Rainbow Dash's bedicked body, then slowly turned to take in the full scene. Her hands flew to her face. "Oh. My. Goodness," she murmured. "Rainbow Dash, just...why?" she moaned, shaking her head.

Applejack walked in, took one look around, and pushed her hat down over her eyes. "Nope," she said. She turned and walked right back out.

Twilight Sparkle was the last to enter. She took one look at Rainbow Dash. Her left eyebrow raised. "Fascinating," she said.

"That's...certainly one word for it," Sunset said. "SO! Rainbow Dash! You...grew a dick!"

"And balls!" Pinkie Pie said, crouching down to examine Rainbow Dash's groin intently. "Huuuuuuuuge balls!" She grabbed Rainbow's nuts and juggled them this way and that, examining them from all sides.

"GAH! Pinkie! Cut that out!" Rainbow cried.

"Hey look, she still has a pussy!" Pinkie reported. She unceremoniously thrust two fingers into Rainbow's slit, eliciting a strangled gasp. "How's that feel, Dashie? Everything working okay there?"

"GAH! Don't...AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rainbow cried.

"PINKIE! Knock it off!" Sunset said sharply. "This is...this is seriou—" She paused, looking around the room again, surveying all the wank stains, and Rainbow with a huge blue dick that was slowly starting to rise to attention in response to Pinkie Pie's invasive investigation. A snicker escaped her lips. She clutched her stomach. She doubled over. "This i—is s-s-s-seri—ous...

"*snort...

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sunset Shimmer laughed long and loud for five straight minutes. Pinkie Pie giggled, watching her with a bright grin while she nibbled on candy corn she'd produced from her hair. Twilight shifted uncomfortably over by the dresser, which had the least amount of wank stains splatooned across its surface. Fluttershy stood in the doorway, frequently peering over Sunset's shoulder and through her hair at Rainbow Dash, a brilliant flush lighting up her face.

Rainbow watched Sunset with crossed arms and a stony glare. "You done yet?" she asked sourly.

"S-sorry, it's just...this is...s-so f-f-f-f-funny!"

A thick jet of cum splattered across Sunset's face, much of it getting into her open mouth. She abruptly stopped laughing and spluttered. "GAH!"

"Still funny?" Rainbow asked archly.

"No, not...not especially," Sunset said sourly, grabbing a towel and scrubbing her face. "Actually, that was pretty nasty and please don't ever do that again."

"Right," Rainbow said. "So, how about you start working on how to get rid of this stupid thing?"

Sunset sighed. "I...guess we'd better, umm..." Her face turned green. "Investigate."

"Oh goodness," Fluttershy said. "Umm...what k-kind of investigation are we talking here?"

"Honestly? I have no idea," Sunset said. "I'm way open to suggestions." She sighed. "Maybe I'd better write to Princess Twilight before we start, umm...probing this thing."

"Ha ha."

"I've got some medical instruments in my bag," Twilight said. "I'll be right back."

Sunset blinked. "You carry medical instruments around with you?"

"You don't know everything about me!"

As Twilight headed downstairs, Rarity cautiously crept back in, mouth covered with a burgundy silk scarf, and looked around in distaste. "So...this is what it's come to now," she said. "Magic horse genitalia."

"Yep," Sunset said drolly, popping the P perfunctorily.

"Lovely," Rarity said acidly.

Rainbow suddenly let out a panicked noise. "Uh, girls? I...I gotta pee." She looked around wildly. "And I don't know which one it's gonna come out of," she added.

The girls looked at each other in alarm and bolted for the stairs.