A Bigger Mac

by WhatDidIJustRead

Rating: teen
Tags: Drama, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Death, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Granny Smith
Length: 1133

Big Mac and Celestia are an item and have been for some time. Granny Smith makes the mistake of trying to stop them.

Princess Celestia and Big Mac have been together for a little while, meeting secretly in the orchard. When Granny Smith finds out, will it be the last mistake she ever makes? Crazy revelations and unbelievable plot twists abound in this extremely short story.

This was written as an offered request for Sonic_RainbowDash2005, who supplied the initial idea which I then wrote and expanded on.

Cover art is also by Sonic_RainbowDash2005.

Published 2019-01-25 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-25 19:20:01 UTC

Big Mac ascends

Princess Celestia stalked regally through the apple orchard, head held high as she searched for her lover. She had been dating Big Mac for months now; the two had been engaging in erotic rendezvous during his morning shifts when nopony else was in the fields. She heard the distinctive thunk of hooves hitting a tree.

Ah, yes, there he is, she thought. Her arousal grew as she neared the large stallion. He was the biggest non-princess pony in Equestria, and the only one big enough to please her.

Creeping quietly behind him as he picked up apples from the ground, she looked at his delicious ass and surprised him by picking up all the apples in her telekinesis and quickly placing them in a bucket sitting at the base of the tree. Haha, stupid useless earth ponies, she thought as she leapt out and kissed him. He smiled and kissed her back, happy to see his royal marefriend.

As the two made sweet mouth-love, Granny Smith crested a nearby hill and saw the two with their lips locked in a passionate embrace.

"Dag nabbit, you two! Big Mac, git yer tongue outta yer sister's mouth!" she yelled. Then she realized what she had just revealed. "I mean, non-sister." It was too late, however, as Big Mac had excellent hearing and suddenly knew the truth.

"A-are you saying I'm... a princess?!" he asked his decrepit wrinkled hag of a grandmother.

"N-no, I'm just jealous of yer siste- I mean Celestia. I just, uh, wanted ya all to ma'self. Ehh, yep, that's all it is," Granny Smith said, sweating little droplets of prune juice.

"No!" Celestia said, standing between the two. "He's all mine! I won't let you have him!"

"Eh, ah, wha?" the wrinkled sack of senility asked. It was no surprise to Celestia that a pony her age would have bad hearing.

"I said no, you old denture-wearing, diaper-wearing, wig-wearing, hearing-aid-wearing, slipper-wearing, glasses-wearing... uh..." Celestia trailed off awkwardly as she ran out of things old ponies wear.

Granny Smith just looked confused, which of course she would at her age. She probably didn't even know where she was.

"A-all I'm sayin' is you two shouldn't be smoochin' like that. Y'all should find other ponies ta be with. It just ain't meant ta be," said the shriveled overgrown raisin of a mare.

"Granny!" Big Mac shouted. "Ah love my sister and ain't nothin' you can say ta change that! If you try to stop us again, so help me Celestia, I will end you." Realizing he wasn't really acting his normal self, he quickly made one amendment to his outburst. "Eeyup."

Celestia smirked at her sexy stallion's tough and believable attitude.

"Big Mac! Don't you talk ta yer elders like that!" yelled what might have been the revived mummified remains of a long-dead pharaoh.

"That's it! I have had it!" Big Mac yelled. He began to scream, a low and intense vocal growl as his anger overtook him. Celestia's eyes widened as she sensed his power increasing.

I-impossible! she thought, wondering somewhere in the back of her mind why she would stutter in a thought. Most of her attention, however, was on the scene before her. Small pebbles, clumps of dirt, and apples floated up from the sheer aura of energy surrounding Big Mac. His scream grew more intense, and the ground beneath him formed a small crater.

"Now just what in tarnation is happening?" the semisentient prune asked.

With a final yell, there was a brilliant flash of light followed by a deafening blast, then absolute silence. Floating several feet above the marred grass was Big Mac. Except it wasn't really him as either Celestia or the dry husk of a formerly likeable mare knew him. He was much bigger. Atop his head sat a beautiful crown just behind a long, sharp horn. On his back were two large, powerful alicorn wings. They flapped slowly as he descended to the ground. When he opened his eyes, they were glowing with power and filled with righteous anger directed at his ancient dried green potato of a grandma.

"What are you?" asked the wrinkled incontinent oversized baby.

"I am all that ever was or ever will be. I am infinite. I am the universe's unknown secrets, coalesced into a being and given free will. I am every shattered dream, every broken promise, every lie made true, every unfulfilled wish given physical form. I am the beginning and the end, the alfalfa and the omega. I am a perfect being. And you," he said, pointing at the ancient sack of boring stories, "are unworthy."

A pinpoint of blinding light appeared at the tip of his horn, then formed a deadly beam of pure energy as it shot forward, engulfing the gravebound old crone. Her scream was cut short as she disappeared completely.

"Wow, Big Mac. That was incredible! I'm so proud of you finally becoming a real princess," Celestia said and kissed him.

"Eeyup," was all he said as he returned the kiss sweetly.

"But what did you do to her? That spell wasn't lethal," Celestia said.

"Well... I just did what you would have in my situation."

"Are you saying...?"

"Eeyup."

Celestia broke down in helpless laughter, prompting Big Mac to do the same. The two rolled on the ground in unfettered mirth as they thought about what just happened. It wasn't long before their laughter turned to lewdity, however, and they made sweet love right there under the apple tree.

Hundreds of thousands of miles away, on the dusty surface of the moon, an elderly green mare appeared, about as dry and barren as the landscape suddenly surrounding her.

She tried to speak, but noticed something strange. Her voice made no sound. When she attempted to breathe in to try again, there was nothing to breathe. Her eyes widened in panic and she flailed about as she tried to get a breath of air, only for her lungs to remain as empty as her contributions to morning conversations.

As she struggled uselessly, her face took on a pale blue shade, and her life left her body. It wasn't much of a change, really.

Author's Note

Hi everypony! :pinkiehappy: So, with this being a request that I voluntarily put to him, I sprinkled a bit of Sonic_RainbowDash2005's style into this, what with horrible abuse of innocent ponies, and uh... creative characterization, we'll say. This was a ridiculous write, I hope you can set aside your seriousness and find it a ridiculous read as well. It was fun and stupid. I actually like Granny Smith, so I felt a little bad, but in the end, it's all fiction. No real ponies were hurt in the making of this fic.