Half an hour or bust!

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Random
Length: 1123

Half an hour to write a story, half an hour for our protagonists to figure out what the heck's going on.

Let's play a game, shall we? I'm gonna give myself half an hour to barf out as many legible horsewords as possible...

Starting in 3...
2...
1...

GO!

Published 2019-01-29 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-29 07:50:01 UTC

hork out those horsewords!

Pinkie Pie bounded along the endless abyss of Twilight's insane mind.

Hmmm... the mare thought as she continued to annoy Twilight, maybe I should tone it down a little. Twilight seems a little mad right now.

As if she could hear her thoughts, Twilight immediately spun around, groaning.

"Pinkie," she groaned, "Can you please stop trying to narrate your own thoughts out loud? I'm trying to read here."

"Aww, fine!" Pinkie complained, rolling out of the room Transformers-style.

It was at this moment when everything went wrong, starting with a large meteorite slamming through the roof of Twilight's castle, through Spike's bed, through three bookshelves, barely past Spike, and onto Twilight's book.

"MY BOOKS!" Twilight wailed, holding the still-sizzling tome that now featured a hole in the center, "DARN YOU UNIVERSE, WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

Spike rolled his eyes, grumbling about the lack of any empathy towards him. Nobody likes Spike. Nobody knows that Spike has feelings. Yet Spike is eternal, for he holds the reincarnation of Shrek, the god of all animes.

Ahem.

With a simple snap of a hoof, everything was set back in place.

Also, half the population randomly seemed to disintegrate. Because Twilight is purple. You know who else is purple?

That's right, the man himself, Thanos!

Naturally, being both purple, Twilight and Thanos had an interdimensional share in the powers of the Infinity Gauntlet. Don't mind the other purple creatures like Barney the dinosaur, they won't hurt you... unless you threaten them.

Oh, and Spike, being also mostly purple, also has his own share of the power. The world will now bristle before his might. I think.

Suddenly, Celestia crashed in from above, widening the hold where the meteorite had struck through simply because she was so thicc from all that cake. Though, the hole was already Celestia-sized, and it was mostly just her Rainbow Dash-style wrecklessness that widened the hole.

Either way, cake princess needs to cut back on calories.

"TwILighT!" Celestia honked, "EqueeStria nEds yoU!"

"What does Equestria need me for?" Twilight asked, helping the still-smoldering Princess to her hooves, "What services can I offer that Equestria doesn't already have for itself?"

Celestia locked eyes with Twilight, slyly licking her lips.

"Your love," she hissed, green magic enveloping her as she revealed herself as Queen Chrysalis.

"NO!" another Celestia screamed at the top of her lungs as she tumbled through the exact same meteor-hole with a mega-fly-swatter, swatting Chrysalis repeatedly, "BAD BUG! GO BACK TO YOUR BAD BUG LAND AND BE ALONE BECAUSE ALL YOUR BAD BUG FRIENDS ARE NOW MY GOOD BUG FRIENDS."

Chrysalis whimpered and then growled at Celestia after another smack to the face with the giant flyswatter.

"What is even going on anymore?!" Spike shrieked loudly, setting off an avalanche somewhere in the far north.

Meanwhile in the Far North...

"OH NOES, THERE IS AN AVALANCHE!" background pony #420 yelled.

"Nice." said background pony #42.

"Nice." said the Doctor.

"Nice." said the author, who is only using memes as filler material at this point.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" the only sane pony within a hundred miles screeched, running as fast as their pathetic toothpick-legs could carry them.

Wait, did I say toothpick legs? Sorry, I meant tree-stump legs. Like, this guy doesn't just do leg day, they are the physical embodiment of leg day.

Anyways, moving on, before y'all get permanently hooked onto some random pony's ultra-bulk legs.

The avalanche advanced faster and faster, enveloping everything in its path from houses, to ski lodges, to that one squirrel from Ice Age. His name's Scrat, wasn't it?

Either way, the entire Far North was now covered in snow and ice, no thanks to Spike. The Crystal Empire, which was (and still is) slightly more south than the Far North, was already sending rescue troops at this point, strangely led by none other than King Sombra himself, who was currently holding a pitch-black coffee mug filled with nothing but marshmallows and had derpy's face printed across the side. Yes, this king was long-since reformed, by the might of ~~The Crusades~~ ~~The Spanish Inquisition~~ MAGIC AND GOOD FEELINGS.

King Sombra swooped and swerved on his epic Fortnite swag, weaving through to gain the epic victory royal. But he can't do it alone, though. For the price of one soul and a few lifetimes worth of commitment, you can help King Sombra get the epic victory royal!

...

...

What just happened?

"The universe just did a dead."

Why?

"You killed it with Fortnite. Fortnite has no place in this realm of existence, and you should know that."

Well by golly, you're Celestia herself, aren't you?

The greenscreen panels fell away as the enchanted crown fell off of 'Celestia', revealing her to be nothing more than a clone of Applejack with leg extensions.

So... does that mean that the universe didn't crash?

"No, it definitely crashed," Twilight flatly stated as she cantered up to Anon, "But Shaggy was able to bring it back by using 2% of his power to simply will it back into existence."

"Shaggy from Scooby Doo?"

"Yes, Shaggy from Scooby Do--"

The world was instantly incinerated as Galeem careened into the Christian Minecraft server while the author continued to write the story, feeding off of his sleep-deprived mind for as many things to add as possible and to keep the thing a readable story.

"Ugh..." Twilight groaned, rubbing her head as she woke up inside the Golden Oaks library, "That was one weird dream."

She blinked, glancing outside her window, only to find the walls of her castle staring back into her very soul.

"Wait, what?"

"Yes!" Flim exclaimed, popping out of her bedsheets, "While you were experiencing a migraine last night from all that knowledge absorption through diffusion, Flam and I were able to convince you that it would be a brilliant investment to rebuild the Golden Oaks Library inside your castle, and sell the land that it used to be on in order to build the most magnificent..."

"TWILICANE STATUE!" Flam followed up, materializing out of nowhere (or more specifically, crashing through the wall Kool-Aid Man style), "And for the low, low price of all your money and your firstborn child, you too can look just like me. Ka-Chow!"

"Flam." Flim facehoofed, accidentally smacking Twilight in the face, "For the last time, you are not Lightning McQueen."

"But I am Mcighting Lqueen!"

"Nevermind, let's rob Twilight and leave."

"Sure!"

And so Flim and Flam robbed Twilight and left.

Celestia sipped her tea, cackling manically in the background while giving Discord a cup to enjoy. Like, he enjoyed the cup. Because Discord.

Author's Note

I need to sleep.