Alpaca Lips

by WhatDidIJustRead

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, Them's Fightin' Herds, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Other, Comedy, Random, Violence, Crossover
Length: 4395

Paprika Paca is teleported to Ponyville. She just wants to share her love. Inadvertent horror and chaos ensues. Them's Fightin' Herds crossover.

Paprika Paca, the alpaca who has more love than she knows what to do with, comes on a little too strong. Like, lethally strong. A fun and silly game for her is a desperate fight for survival for everyone else. When her herd banishes her to Ponyville, will the town survive her literally insane love?

Them's Fightin' Herds crossover.

Cover art is by flaminbunny.

Published 2019-01-30 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-30 19:40:01 UTC

The laughter in slaughter

I've finally found them! My tribe, the Alpaca herd. As I walk into the camp, I hear shouts of joy. "She's back! She's back!" they yell, and raise an alarm to let everypaca know the good news! Metal pots bang together in a cacophony of music to herald my return, with excited friends scrambling about to make hasty preparations, probably for some kind of party. I can't wait.

A stern Alpaca approaches me with a long sharp stick. He tries to give it to me as a gift, aiming it straight for my heart (aww, how sweet!), but I twist my body and take it in my hooves, twirling it around and giving it back to him exactly where he had tried to give it to me. He looks shocked as his wool stains red with an outpouring of pure love, and I know I just made his day.

Another comes with a similar gift, but he looks afraid. Poor paca! I frown to show him how much I empathize, and in an instant, I am next to him. He yelps in gleeful surprise and I hug him, comforting him with every fiber of my being. I squeeze tighter and he gurgles out what must be a "thank you" as foamy crimson delight bubbles out from his mouth and nose. He twitches happily in my grasp, then goes still. Aww, he must have fallen asleep. I lay him down and pat him twice, wishing him sweet dreams, then look to the rest of the camp.

Most of my beloved friends (who I have missed so much!) are running away, with one exception. An older Alpaca named Suri, a mystic trained in the ways of magic and originally an outsider from another tribe, is sitting in a circle of stones connected by lines drawn in the dirt. She's got her hooves outstretched in a welcoming gesture, her eyes tearful and looking directly into mine. It seems all my other friends are giving me a moment alone with Suri as they continue leaving the area. They're so thoughtful.

I smile and pronk over to Suri excitedly. Her brown wool seems to glow with some kind of odd power. No matter, though. I lean in and embrace her, putting extra love into it, hearing and feeling a couple loud cracks and pops - oops! She cries out and growls (I wonder what she's angry about), then says some nonsensical words. The circle beneath us begins to glow.

"Begone, demon!" she says.

As I move in to give her a friendly lick, everything flashes an intense blue that brightens to a brilliant pure white, then fades to black. I notice Suri is no longer in my grasp! I flail my hooves around to try to find her, but I'm just in some kind of endless void. Oh no! My friends! Where did they go?

After several seconds, the blackness just goes away and I'm in a new place. There are buildings all around, and grass! So much grass! And it's so green! The Huacaya Mountains were never so lovely. For a brief moment, I forget about my friends and bend down to rip up a clump of the delicious-looking food. And delicious it is. It's moist and flavorful, not like the dry and dead grass of the mountains. Suddenly I am reminded that my friends aren't here with me, and the flavor turns to ashes in my mouth. I swallow it anyway, as wasting food is never good, and lie down, smooshing my face into the ground sadly.

"Hello, there. Are you okay?" comes a feminine voice from behind me. My eyes open widely against the grass, blades pressing against my eyeballs. I lift my head and turn around with a wild grin. Could this be a new friend? I don't know what kind of creature she is, but she seems to be an ungulate like those of Fœnum. Her coat is a mild purple and she has a short darker reddish-purple mane that hangs from her head and neck in neat curls.

"Ahh," I coo happily, my grin widening, extending beyond the limits of my actual face. The creature takes a hesitant step back. I decide to be much more subtle than normal, and simply grab her and purse my lips, pressing them against her mouth with a loud, wet mwah.

"Pteh! Fwuh!" she spits, staggering back. She grimaces and wipes her lips with a hoof and looks at me, confused. Clearly I was too subtle in my desire to befriend her. My eyes widen and my pupils shrink as I go in for a second, bigger kiss. She holds up a hoof to try to stop me, but I ignore it, knowing that she will change her mind soon enough. I bat her hoof aside and grab her, pulling her close. She screams in delight as I kiss her again on her mouth extra hard, pressing her head back and cutting off her happy screech. Her eyes widen in surprise as I kiss her, holding it for much longer to prove just how good of a friend I am, then pull off of her and slide my tongue out to swipe it all over her face. She's screaming again and another similar creature runs over.

"Berry Punch? What's wrong? What the hay is that thing?" says the new one. This one has a raspberry coat with a banana-yellow mane styled rather similarly to the one I am presently showing my affection to.

"Aaaah! Cherry Berry, is that you? I dunno what's going on! Get this thing offa me!" Berry Punch cries, flailing against my grasp and trying to turn her head to see the new friend. I continue licking her face to really make her see how nice I am.

"Hey! Let her go!" Cherry Berry yells. She runs up and tries pulling me away, but I know what I am doing, and I won't let their silly misunderstanding stop me from befriending them. I lick harder and Berry Punch yells louder.

"Ewww, stop, that's so gross!" she shouts. I just trill happily and keep going. "Ugh... Cherry Berry, go get help! This thing won't... let go!"

Cherry Berry nods and hurries off. I hug my new friend tighter and she squeals. "Hey! You're hurting me! Stop!" she says. Hurting? Oh no! I comfort her by hugging her even tighter and feel something crack. She screams again, much louder this time, and begins crying. "No! P-please don't k-kill me!"

The poor thing is so scared. I put on a serious face and prepare to really make her feel better when something interrupts me. It's a new voice, and a new friend!

"Hey!" this new one says. She's pink. Very pink. And her happy pink mane is as fluffy and poofy as my wool. "Put her down! You wanna hug ponies, you're gonna have to hug me first!"

Friend!

I drop the purple one and my eyes stare wildly at this new friend, my grin opening into an extra happy smile.

"Normally, I would throw a 'welcome to Ponyville' party for you," she says, "but you're kinda being a big meanie meanie-pants."

My breath comes out in sharp ragged gasps as I close in on her. She widens her stance and gets lower to the ground as she prepares to meet me. I lunge at her, legs wide and ready for a hug, only to catch nothing but air. "Uh?" I say with a head tilt. I feel a tap on my rump and turn to see her behind me.

"Missed me!" she says and sticks out her tongue, blowing me a raspberry. I grin madly. I love when they play hard to get. Their friendships are always the most rewarding.

"Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo," I squeal, suddenly cartwheeling at her. She deftly dodges to the side and hugs me from behind, constricting my forelegs as she pins them to my side. "Eh-heh!" I tilt my head back, curling my neck tightly until my upside-down face is pressed right against hers. I poke my tongue out and lick her mane and eyes, anywhere it can reach. She giggles.

"Hey, s-stop, that tickles! Ahahahaheheheee," she laughs, wriggling as my long tongue writhes all over the top of her head.

"Pinkie!" a new voice says.

"Twilight! Heheee, you gotta, ahaha, s-stop her! B-before she, hehehahaha, hurts anypony else!" Pinkie says.

A strange dark red aura glows within my vision, right in front of my eyes and surrounding every part of me. "Ohh?" I say, curious about this new development. Suddenly I'm lifted up and held above the ground as Pinkie lets go. I frown and whimper as I see my friend fall back to the ground.

"What is she?" the new purple one, apparently named Twilight, asks. I notice that she has a horn, similar to the unicorns in Fœnum. She also has a pair of wings like a pegasus. I've never seen a creature with both.

"I dunno, but I don't think we can let her go. She really hurt Berry Punch. I think her leg is broken..." Pinkie says sadly. Her sadness really makes me want to hug her.

"Why is she attacking? Do we know where she came from?"

Pinkie shrugs. "I dunno, but she seems to really want to hug ponies. And kiss them. And lick them."

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad."

"Yeah, but she was hugging way too hard. I don't like it."

"Maybe we should try talking to her," Twilight says, and looks up at me. "Can you talk?" I trill happily and writhe about in the strange magical field. "Hm... I guess not. But you can understand me?"

I nod my head vigorously. "Mm mm mm!" I hum in reply.

"If I let you go, will you be nice to everypony?" she asks me. I nod energetically, tongue flopped out and slapping my face and chin.

"Twilight, I really don't think that's a good idea..." Pinkie says.

"I don't see why not. We're all friends here," says Twilight. My eyes become as big as apples as I hear that. Everyone here is my friend! I can't wait to show them all how much I love them! I struggle violently against the raspberry aura holding me in place and Twilight giggles. "Okay, just be nice. I'm sure we'll all get along just fine."

I fall as the telekinetic field dissipates, and as soon as I hit the ground, I'm on Twilight. She laughs as I pull her into a loving hug, but her laughs soon become small airless gasps.

"Twilight!" Pinkie yells. She seems to be petting my back and head very hard. I purr warmly as I hold the purple creature. Her horn sparks but the magic dies out as I give her every bit of affection I can. Her face takes on a blue shade and her legs kick and her wings flap uselessly. Her eyes are bulging out of her head, streaked with red. And then she is asleep, unmoving in my grasp. It's odd that these creatures sleep with their eyes bulging out like that, but I set her down gently and smile at Pinkie, tilting my head.

"Brrrr?" I trill. Pinkie's eyes are red and tears run down her face in streaks as her mouth hangs agape in a horrified silent scream.

"T-Twilight! No!" she gasps in disbelief. I take a step toward the pink friend. I must comfort her. She takes a step back. "S-stay away! You're a... a monster! I need to warn everypony!"

Fast as lightning, I am behind her. I prepare to give her a nice surprise hug, announcing myself with a delighted "eh-heh!" The sound tips her off and she dives forward just in time to avoid my grasp. I notice a few long pink strands stuck in the cleft of my right hoof and shake them out. By the time I look back up, she is gone. I frown sadly, wondering where she went, and walk along the street to search for her.

I spot a new friend standing outside a cottage. "Oh, hi there, I don't believe we've met," he says, extending a hoof toward me. He's a butterscotch color with a medium length chocolate brown mane. "I'm Caramel."

I walk past his hoof and hug him close. He laughs as I kiss his face wetly. "Haha, whoa there, aren't you a friendly one," he says.

I hum warmly and kiss his face harder, excitement getting the better of me as I do. He struggles half-heartedly and giggles as I plant a big, wet sucking one on his eye. When I pull back, he is suddenly screaming. "Mmm?" Looking at him, I see a large hole where his eye was, leaking a stream of red. His eye dangles next to his snout, attached by a thin fleshy rope. Whoops! I quickly reach a hoof up and try to press it back in, earning a louder scream and desperate struggling. I press harder, but instead of going back in, it just deflates, leaking red and clear fluid onto both of us. Well, no matter. I can still kiss his owie to make it better.

I press my lips against the large hole and kiss it with as much love as I can muster. His screams and thrashing become rapid gasps and twitches as I feel something else coming out. I look again and see a mushy wrinkly gray thing, partly squished where it was forced into the crevice where his eye was. He's no longer moving, so he must be asleep too. I frown and set him down. Hopefully some rest will make him feel better!

I decide to move further along the road. Suddenly there is a loud shrieking siren sound. More friends step out of their houses and appear at windows. Panic soon follows and the streets fill with colorful creatures that I want to hug and love. I grab one at random and squeeze tightly, making her shriek and flail.

"Let me go!" she says. "That's the monster attack siren! We gotta get out of Ponyville!"

"Hohh!" I say with a determined smile. I'll help her get out of town where it's safe! Grabbing hold of her rear hooves, I begin spinning, lifting her off the ground.

"Hey! What are you doing? Stop that!"

Once I have enough speed, I let go and raise a foreleg over my eyes to block out the sun as I watch her fly away. In the distance, I see her hit the trunk of a tree and crumple to the ground. Hopefully she will be safe there!

Just as I reach for another friend, something suddenly hits me in the back of my head, confusing me for a second. I see a rainbow-colored streak above me that dissipates quickly. Following it skyward, my eyes land on a blue pegasus friend with bright rainbow colors on her mane and tail.

"Everypony, listen to me! That's the monster!" I hear her yell, pointing a hoof at me. "Get outta here, now!"

I tilt my head and burble happily. She looks fun. As she swoops down for another pass, I deftly reach up and pluck her out of the air, earning a surprised yelp from her. I hug her tightly as she squirms, showing her what a good friend I am. Suddenly I get hit in the back of the head yet again. With a wide smile, I turn my head 180 degrees and see another new friend, this one orange with a long tied up yellow mane and a cowboy hat on her head. I love hats. They're really popular in Fœnum.

I see an apple on the ground and realize she must have given it to me! I stretch my neck down and take the gift gratefully, chewing three times then swallowing it all in large chunks. "Mmm num num," I say, smacking my lips.

"Ya like apples, do ya? Well come and get these apples!" she says, expertly kicking two more at me. I catch one in my mouth, and the other hits my snout, making me laugh as I quickly eat the one I caught. The blue rainbow friend struggles free while I'm distracted, making me sad that I can't hug her anymore. I pick up the other apple from the ground and eat it as well. More of the red fruits fly at my face and I let them hit me, simply giggling as they do. This creature is so nice, giving me all these apples!

As I'm eating my gifts off the road, I sense the blue one coming back for more love from behind me. As she roughly pats me with a foreleg in a divebomb, I reach up again and catch her, but this time by her head. Her momentum carries her body forward, and I hear a loud snap as she stops. Still holding her head, I notice her neck is bent in a funny way and she has stopped moving. Tired herself out playing already, it seems. I set her down and pat her gently to let her rest up for next time.

"R-Rainbow?!" the orange friend says. "No! It can't be... ya can't be..." She looks at me with an intense burning in her eyes (probably desire and love!), and I tilt my head with a happy purr. "You!"

"Brrreeee!" I sing cheerfully.

She charges at me, making me excited. I can't wait to show her my surprise I have planned for her! She launches herself at me and I easily catch her in a warm and loving embrace.

"Aah! No! Let me go!" she shouts.

As I hug her, I notice there are more apples! On her flank! Curious, I reach my head down and give them a lick. They don't taste like apples. I bite into them hard and tear them away, eliciting a sharp cry from her. I chew the strange apples and they taste coppery. They're also oddly chewy and hairy. They really aren't very good. But I was raised to not waste food, so I swallow them dutifully and smile at my friend thankfully. Now it's time to show her my surprise I have for her.

I reach deep into my wool and pull out several bright red apples of my own. As my orange friend is still screaming, it is very easy to put them into her wide-open mouth. She cries and shakes her head as I hold the apples in her mouth, pressing against them, making her accept my gift in return for her own kindness to me. As I push them further into her, they make her throat bulge, and she stops making sounds as she struggles silently to knock my hoof away. I smile at her cute sweetness in trying to refuse my gift, but I shake my head and insist by pressing deeper. Silent tears streak her face as it turns blue and her struggles weaken and die down. She twitches lightly against me and goes to sleep. Eating apples sometimes makes me sleepy too. I smile warmly, happy that I have done something as nice for her as she did for me.

"Rainbow! Applejack! Are you okay?"

I turn toward the new voice. Several new friends are standing in a line on the road. The one who spoke is a light purple unicorn with a long dark purple mane that flows down into a slight upward curl. A couple of teal streaks highlight the lovely mane, and I immediately want to touch it. "Ooooh!" I say.

"A-are they... d-dead?" says a blue friend wearing a pointy wizard hat. Did I mention I love hats?

"Oh, sweet Celestia, no!" says a yellow pegasus with a long pink mane, her voice nearly a whisper.

"That's her! The llama I was talking about!" says my old friend Pinkie. I smile and wave at her. She doesn't wave back.

"A-actually, she's an alpaca," the yellow one says.

The unicorn that first spoke glares at me with concentration. The moment her horn lights up, I act. Time seems to slow to stillness. I jump high in the air, faster than their eyes can follow, then fall directly onto the blue one with the hat, surprising her with a big, happy tackle-hug. Something crunches and she cries sharply.

"Trixie!" I hear, then I am again surrounded by a magical aura. This time, it's a teal color.

"Ahh!" I say in wonder. It's very beautiful.

"I... I can't move my legs. Why can't I move my legs?" the blue one asks with panic in her voice. Aww, I wanna hug her and make her feel better, but the magic is keeping me held in place.

"That's it! This ends now!" the unicorn friend with the pretty mane says. A bright beam of light erupts from her horn and crashes into me and I laugh and laugh as it tickles and burns. By the time it ends, I am smoking and a couple tips of strands of my wool burn bright orange, but I am overall no worse for wear. I continue laughing at the fun game we just played. "W-what?! That spell would have killed a normal pony!"

My laughter continues, echoing along the otherwise silent street, filling every corner of it with my unfettered mirth. I'm still trapped in the telekinetic aura, but it feels somehow weaker. Still laughing endlessly, I struggle, feeling myself stretching it just a little thinner each time I move. I work myself back and forth and the unicorn seems to be sweating. It won't be long before I can give her a big warm happy hug!

"Everypony! I can't hold her for long. Get Trixie out of here and find somewhere safe! I'll, ugh, keep her here as long as I can!"

"Ehehehe!" I giggle as they scramble about to give me some sweet, happy alone time with this pretty friend. Her horn glows brighter and brighter, but her hold on me only weakens. Soon, she is crying, probably tears of happiness as she knows we will soon be good friends. Her face grows damp with her sweat and tears as she strains to keep her magic active, but it's not going to be long before I win this fun game. With a final powerful flail, I am free. I fall to the ground, landing on my hooves, and lunge at her. Her eyes widen and her horn glows again in a desperate burst of power. I'm pushed back several feet, but easily lunge once more at my friend who is now panting. I hug her.

She cries out and struggles weakly before becoming very calm. I wonder if she's already asleep and tilt my head. I notice her horn is glowing again, but so is she. Some kind of power deep within her radiates outward and I pepper her with kisses.

"Heh, never thought I'd be using this one," she says extremely calmly. I smile. It sounds like she has a surprise for me! "If I'm going to die, I'm taking you with me."

Suddenly her entire body burns a bright white, almost blinding, and she lets out a primal scream, filled with a mix of many powerful emotions. Then she explodes.

My wool absorbs most of it, but it really dazes me as I am sent flying back into a wall, slamming into it hard. I bounce forward onto the ground, feeling dizzy and a little sick, but mostly just sad that my friend went away. I stand up and look around for her, but all I see is one of her legs. Aww, I bet wherever she is, she wishes she has that. I take a step forward to pick it up for her, but stumble, unexpectedly feeling much weaker than I ever have. Maybe now is an okay time for a nap. I fall forward and sleep like that, face pressed into the dirt.

I have happy dreams of giving lots of friends smiling flowers and sugary apples and meaty broccoli. They all run away, laughing, and I befriend all of them with my bountiful gifts. I leave a trail of happiness and sleepy friends wherever I go. When I finally awake, I have a huge delighted grin spread across my face.

When I tilt my head up, blinking the dirt out of my eyes, there are lots of colors in front of me. And more friends! Two big ones look down at me, one a pristine white with a long and beautiful colorful mane that flows gently in an unseen current. And also a dark blue one with a similar flowing mane, except it's as black as the night sky, complete with stars and everything.

"This is the one?" asks the dark one. Pinkie is there with her! I wave again, and she still doesn't wave back. Aww.

"Yes. That's her," she says flatly.

"Very well. Sister. Are you ready?"

The white one nods. "Let's do it."

Their horns glow with powerful magic and I trill curiously, excited to see what these new friends want to do. They both grab me in a telekinetic field and lift me. Hey, I know this game! I wriggle and laugh happily as I try to break free, but they are very powerful. This might take a while. In the meantime, I pull off tufts of wool and reveal two knitting needles hidden inside the fluff. I quickly knit a cute yellow sweater and hold it out to them, dropping it to the ground where hopefully they will take it and love it. Sadly, they don't react or say anything. They just focus harder, and there is sudden flash in front of my eyes.

They're all gone! All my friends! Awww! Just another empty black void... I look around, seeing nothing, and frown and whimper sadly. I miss them already.

Then suddenly I am back. Back in the Huacaya Mountains with my Alpaca friends! They're gathered around Suri, who is lying on the ground unmoving. Most of them are crying. It makes me really sad. But, not to worry. I'm back! I'll just go cheer them up!

I smile and giggle at the thought of all the fun we're going to have.