Applied Scootascience

Chapters

1. Scootaobservation
2. Scootaquestion
3. Scootahypothesis
4. Scootaprediction
5. Scootatesting
6. Scootaiteration

1. Scootaobservation

CHAPTER I
SCOOTAOBSERVATION

“It’s no use!” Sweetie exclaimed, firing a spell blindly. It bounced off the ground and set a cart full of hay ablaze. “They’re faster than us!”

Scootaloo panted and looked back. The pursuers were getting closer, forcing her to keep running. She darted forward, catching up with Sweetie Belle; Apple Bloom was far ahead of them, never looking back.

“It doesn’t matter, as long as we’re faster than Silver and Diamond!” Scootaloo replied. “Besides, they can’t be faster than me. They are me!”

Sweetie looked at Silver, who stopped running, ready to accept her fate. She kept coughing; asthma had finally defeated her. Sweetie shot two more magic bolts at the crowd approaching her.

“Could you stop doing that?” Scootaloo asked. “I don’t feel comfortable when you shoot my clones like that…”

“They’re gonna catch Silver!” Sweetie fired another bolt, but there were way too many Scootaloos there for her to fend off.

“Screw Silver!” Scootaloo started to run again. “I’d rather not give them a chance to get us!”

“Some of them can fly!” Sweetie shouted when one of the Scootaloos flew past her, throwing a rotten apple at her. She squeaked and ran off to the real Scootaloo, who was just climbing up a tree when Sweetie’s words made her realise it was a death trap.

“What do we do now?” Scootaloo asked.

“Get up that tree!” Sweetie exclaimed. “We’ll think of something…” She climbed up the tree and looked around. Her eyes widened; there was a thick cloud of black smoke above Sweet Apple Acres and, despite Sweetie’s hopes, Twilight Sparkle was nowhere in sight. In fact, none of the ponies she knew was in sight, with the sole exception of Roseluck, Lily, and Daisy, but they were running away from the marching horde.

“I must admit they’re pretty impressive,” Scootaloo muttered, staring at the group of her clones swarming the streets. Some of them broke into a hardware store and were walking towards them with some saws.

Sweetie rolled her eyes. “You must be very proud, mustn’t you?”

Scootaloo smirked. “Well, given the humble beginnings…”

Over the ages, many wise ponies wondered about trees falling in the forest. If nopony was there to hear them, did they make a sound? There was a reason this question was usually applied to trees and not, for example, pegasi. A pegasus falling in the forest would make absolutely sure that somepony would hear them. Even if they weren’t around.

“My leg!” Scootaloo exclaimed, rolling on the ground. “Celestia’s mighty boobs, my leg!”

“Shh.” Sweetie walked to Scootaloo and poked her leg. “It’s not even broken.”

“I’ll break your leg if you do that again!” Scootaloo groaned and stood up. “Did I at least fly?”

“Very quickly,” Apple Bloom said, emerging from the bushes with the binoculars hanging from her neck. “Mostly down, Ah’m afraid…”

“Great.” Scootaloo sat on the ground. “Another failure. How many more?”

“All of them,” Sweetie said. “I told you that you’re too stern-heavy. Like, your wings can lift your barrel, but your–”

“Are you saying my ass is too heavy?” Scootaloo asked.

“I was trying to put it in more diplomatic terms.” Sweetie smiled sheepishly.

“Girls, calm down!” Apple Bloom exclaimed when Scootaloo tackled Sweetie and they both rolled into a puddle of mud. “Twilight said violence is not the answer!” She shrugged and jumped between Scootaloo and Sweetie.

This worked surprisingly well. Instead of fighting each other, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both tackled Apple Bloom, trying to bring her down. The struggle, however, lasted for only a minute or so. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were simply no match for Apple Bloom, who managed to stand up, dragging Scootaloo away from Sweetie.

“Well, well, well.”

Apple Bloom froze, hearing that voice. She turned back to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walking across the field. “What are y’all doin’ here?” she asked.

“Oh, just passing by,” Diamond Tiara replied, looking at mud stains in Apple Bloom’s coat. “Nothing as interesting as whatever you were doing.”

“We just had a discussion.” Sweetie Belle stood up and levitated some mud with her magic, making a ball out of it.

“On what, best ways to clean stains?” Silver Spoon asked.

“We were trying to teach Scootaloo to fly,” Sweetie Belle replied, throwing the ball of mud at Silver Spoon, who dodged it without much effort. Spending most of her life with Diamond Tiara made her aware of every heavy object flying towards her.

“Ah, so it wasn’t a meteor, after all.” Diamond Tiara shrugged, looking at the sky. “There goes our hope of finding a pot of gold.”

“No, that’s thunderbolt iron.” Silver Spoon shook her head. “Pots of gold are at the end of the rainbow.”

“Are you kidding me?” Diamond Tiara huffed. “I know that the only thing you can find at the end of the rainbow is Rainbow Dash’s ass.”

Scootaloo blushed. “Or the place where she was before she flew away.”

“That’s the beginning of the rainbow,” Silver Spoon replied with a shrug. “Anyway, are you still learning to fly?”

“All the time,” Scootaloo said. “But it just doesn’t seem to work.”

Silver Spoon fixed her glasses and cleared her throat. “Maybe because all your plans basically boil down to launching you from some precarious device, hoping in vain that your lousy pegasus instincts will somehow kick in and you’ll fly. Have you tried different combinations of proper diet, training of the weakest muscles, prana-bindu exercises, aerodynamic tunnel training, meditation, hydration, aeration, avoiding frustration, resisting temptation, improving your wingpower through hour of shower or–”

Scootaloo raised her hoof and furrowed her eyebrows. She looked at Silver Spoon and opened her mouth, but then she closed it and turned to Sweetie Belle. “Did she offend me?” she asked.

“Profoundly,” Sweetie replied. “But we haven’t tried most of those things. None of them, I think.”

“So, she didn’t make those up?” Scootaloo asked. “I haven’t heard of any pegasus who’d do that.”

“Ain’t nopony got time for that.” Apple Bloom shrugged.

“That’s what everypony’s saying,” Diamond Tiara said. “And that’s why this place looks like this.” She rolled her eyes. “You have time to keep doing things that don’t work but you have no time to do anything else? Please.”

Now it was Apple Bloom’s turn to look at Sweetie Belle. “Did she offend me?”

“Implicitly,” Sweetie Belle replied.

“Ah, good.” Apple Bloom smirked.

“So, uh…” Scootaloo trotted to Silver Spoon. “How many methods of learning to fly do you know?”

“And why?” Sweetie asked. “It’s not like you’re gonna grow wings and take off one day.”

“Dare to dream… with a little bit of magic and genetic modifications in the future,” Silver Spoon replied. “Also, I read about like, three hundred ways that can improve the flying technique.”

Scootaloo’s eyes widened. “Three hundred…”

“But why?” Sweetie asked.

“Keeps your mind busy when you’re surrounded by idiots.”

Diamond Tiara furrowed her eyebrows. “Did she insult me?”

Sweetie smiled and shook her head. “Indirectly.”

Diamond Tiara’s frown deepened, but before she could figure anything out, Scootaloo groaned. “I have no time to try all three hundred techniques!”

“Now that’s just whining and excuses,” Silver Spoon muttered.

“More like a realistic evaluation of our schedule,” Sweetie said. “Apple Bloom, how many ponies are we currently helping with their cutie marks?”

Apple Bloom scratched her head. She started counting, but quickly ran out of hooves, tails, hair bows, Scootaloo’s feathers, and other things she usually used to help herself with fancy mathematics. “Thirty-six,” she eventually replied.

“See?” Sweetie sighed. “And I’m afraid some of them will need our help for a long time.”

Silver Spoon smirked. “Oh, this won’t be a problem.” She leaned to Sweetie and whispered something into her ear.

“That’d be wrong,” Sweetie said.

“What?” Scootaloo asked. “I don’t care how wrong this is, as long as it makes me fly!”

Sweetie sighed. “Okay…”

Thirty-six ponies looked at the stage in front of them, whispering to each other in excited tones. Sweetie Belle looked at the crowd, realising that at least two of the participants of their summer cutie mark course were changelings, one of them was a mule, and one was a kirin. She sighed, already wondering how to explain to them that they wouldn’t get a cutie mark without getting kicked, burned, drained of love, or accused of being a pony supremacist.

Eventually, she decided to skip that issue for a moment. “Hello,” she said to the crowd in front of her. “Today, we are going to try to get cutie marks in helping Scootaloo to learn to fly.” She looked at one filly who raised her hoof. “Any questions, Cream Puff?”

“What’d such a cutie mark look like?” the filly asked.

“We’ll hopefully find out,” Sweetie Belle deadpanned. She turned to Apple Bloom. “What are we going to do?”

“We have a list of ways to learn how to fly,” Apple Bloom said. “Y’all will pick one method each and we’ll, uhh…”

“Determine,” Sweetie Belle muttered.

“We’ll determine which is the most effective,” Apple Bloom continued. “Then, we’ll use this method to teach Scootaloo.”

“It’s all in your hooves,” Scootaloo said.

The crowd started to chatter, all at once. Sweetie Belle tried to listen, but quickly furrowed her eyebrows.

“I don’t have wings!” one colt shouted.

The mule stood up. “I’m not anatomically compatible!”

The kirin’s eyes lit up. “Everyone’s screaming and that makes me feel–” She rubbed her temples and took a few deep breath until her eyes went back to normal. “– only slightly annoyed. Nothing to worry about.” She smiled sheepishly as everyone moved away from her.

“The results won’t be replicable!”

Apple Bloom furrowed her eyebrows and looked at the filly in the front row. “Silver Spoon, why are ya hecklin’ yer own idea?”

“How did you know it was me?” Silver Spoon asked, taking off the sunglasses and fake moustache.

Apple Bloom just sighed and rolled her eyes. Sweetie Belle, however, looked at the crowd and nodded. “Indeed,” she said. “What works for others may not work for Scootaloo, so we need someone who’d look like her.”

“Oh, that’s not a problem.” One of the changelings gestured at the other and they both turned into Scootaloo. “Huh. I already see several problems.”

“Like, you need to train back muscles,” the other changeling said. “And you need to limit your sugar intake.”

“Well, all ponies could benefit from this, actually.” The first changeling shrugged. “I’ve been living legally in Equestria for two months and I think I already got diabetes.”

The other changeling nodded, trying to twist his Scootaloo-like face into something resembling a thinking expression. “Which is even weirder because changelings don’t have pancrea.”

The real Scootaloo walked to the changelings, looking at them closely. “Do I really look like this?” she asked. “I know I’m awesome, but I didn’t know I was that awesome.”

“Humble as always,” Sweetie Belle muttered.

Silver Spoon looked at the changelings. “This could be a way to go,” she said. “If we had more perfect copies of Scootaloo, we could run more tests at once.”

Diamond Tiara, who was sitting between Silver Spoon and the teenage kirin, wearing a sombrero and sunglasses, raised her hoof. “I have an idea. Remember that one time when Pinkie Pie did that one thing?”

“I don’t,” the kirin mare said.

“Me neither.” Scootaloo shrugged.

Apple Bloom turned to her, furrowing her eyebrows. “What? The whole town was full of Pinkies and ya don’t remember it?”

Scootaloo turned into a changeling. “I’m not the real one, okay?”

“Anyway, it didn’t end well,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Well, the town is still standing,” the real Scootaloo said. “That counts as ‘well’ for me. Also, we’re gonna be careful.”

Silver Spoon smirked, her glasses reflecting the sunlight. “Okay then. We’ll try a scientific approach…”

“Ah’m counting to three,” Apple Bloom said. “One, two…” She pushed Scootaloo into the water. There was a loud splash, followed by an even longer stream of invectives. Silver Spoon watched the scene holding a clipboard in her hooves.

“Now, let’s see the results,” Silver said, watching two silhouettes emerging from the pond.

Sweetie Belle trotted to them first. “Okay. Which of you is the real one?”

“Me!” both Scootaloos exclaimed.

Sweetie sighed and rolled her eyes. “Whose photo is pinned to the dartboard in Rainbow Dash’s house?”

The Scootaloos looked at each other. “Rainbow Dash is best pony!” one of them shouted.

“Wind Rider’s,” the other Scootaloo replied.

“I see…” Sweetie muttered. “What was Rainbow Dash wearing on the centrefold of the July issue of The Wonderbolts Magazine?”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!” the first Scootaloo exclaimed.

“Absolutely nothing…” The other Scootaloo smiled, hearts appearing in her eyes. “May I go to the little filly’s room for a moment?”

“No.” Sweetie levitated a red vest with the words “real one” written on it and gave it to Scootaloo, who still seemed lost in her thoughts. “Don’t you dare take this off.” She turned to the other Scootaloo. “And you’re Scootaloo 001. Diamond Tiara will give you a collar with your number.”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!” Scootaloo 001 nodded and walked to Diamond Tiara.

“Okay, Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom said. “Back to the pond.”

Scootaloo groaned, wiping her coat. “How many more times?”

“At least two hundred and ninety-nine.”

“Just great,” Scootaloo muttered, looking at the surface of the pond.

It was the middle of the night when the carts arrived in the secluded part of Sweet Apple Acres. Nopony really bucked the trees there anymore and Apple Bloom kept saying that they got rather cranky because of that. Still, there were apples on them, which was a vital part of the plan.

There were also a few decrepit barns in there. Over the course of a few days before the trip to the Mirror Pool, Apple Bloom spent most of her time reinforcing the buildings and using planks to divide the interior into three hundred small rooms. Inside each of them there was a jar with fireflies, blanket and a mattress – Rarity probably still wondered what Sweetie did with all of her old fabric.

Some, however, had objections.

“Why do we put them in cages?” Scootaloo asked just before they were going to unpack the first cart. She was tired – it turned out that every clone would spawn wearing a red vest, so she spent the whole day reciting Rainbow Dash trivia.

“Those aren’t cages,” Diamond Tiara said. “Those are Single Pony Living Units. One day I’ll get rich renting those to ponies. We’ll build hundreds of such buildings and the more ponies we manage to put in there, the bigger our profit will be. Isn’t that beautiful?”

“They still look like cages to me,” Scootaloo muttered.

“After it’s over, I’ll let one of your clones live with me.” Diamond Tiara smirked and winked at Scootaloo, who shuddered.

It took a while before each Scootaloo sat in their Single Pony Living Unit. Silver Spoon walked to the middle of the barn, watching the rows of boxes stacked upon one another. She smirked and grabbed a megaphone. Some clones looked at their neighbours. Some would still utter “Rainbow Dash is best pony”, but most of them fell silent.

“Welcome to our training facility,” Silver Spoon said. “I presume none of you can fly.”

Several clones shouted “we can’t!”, while the others answered with “Rainbow Dash is best pony!”. Silver Spoon nodded.

“In front of you there is a file detailing your training regimen, your diet, and the exercises you’ll be performing in the following days,” Silver continued. “Appropriate equipment will be delivered to your Units tomorrow. You’ll also get outside, but remember that no one can see you. Any questions?”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!”

“Where’s the toilet?”

“What are we doing here?”

Silver Spoon patted Sweetie Belle’s back. “My assistant will answer those questions. I have two more barns to go to!”

The tests commenced on the next day. Soon, however, they had to be interrupted so Scootaloo 047 and Scootaloo 082 could drag Scootaloo 102 back to her unit after she ended up in a nasty accident involving a tree and the faulty harness of a Dizzitron.

“I think we should cut down some of those trees before we build a proper rocket sled,” Diamond Tiara said, watching Scootaloo 214 as she tumbled on the ground after a failed take-off and hit the tree.

“Just try and Ah’ll cut ya up,” Apple Bloom said. “Is everything okay?” she asked the two Scootaloos sitting at the table.

“Why did I only get water for breakfast while Twenty-Two got an apple pie?” Scootaloo 021 asked.

“Different approaches,” Sweetie Belle replied, looking into her notes. “She’s trying to achieve flight by getting more energy, while your path involves drastic loss of weight.”

“May I swap with her?” Scootaloo 021 asked. “My path is a dead end, I can see it.”

“Dunno, ask her.” Sweetie shrugged. “But remember that it may change the results of the experiment.”

“I don’t care, I’m hungry.” Scootaloo 021 turned to Scootaloo 022. “May I get your pie?”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!” Scootaloo 022 exclaimed.

Scootaloo 021 groaned. “Well, fuck you too, Twenty-Two.”

The house at the outskirts of Ponyville, just by the lake, wasn’t just cheap – it was free. The greatest economists in the multiverse would probably argue that there was no such thing as free houses, but Spring Breeze, sixteen-year-old kirin mare, didn’t find their opinions worthy of going full nirik over. The house just happened to be empty, so she and the two changelings she’d met at the meeting with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, named Pterostigma and Sclerite, decided to squat there until they found some jobs.

While the decrepit house had some advantages, there were still many vital problems to overcome.

“Why are we having cold daisy casserole again?” Pterostigma asked, levitating a fork without much enthusiasm.

“You could cook something yourself, for a change.” Spring Breeze rolled her eyes. “But you only move your ass to steal books from the library.”

“Hey, this one’s pretty good,” Sclerite said. He was lying on the old, broken couch with a book in front of him. “It’s full of Wonderbolts trivia.”

Pterostigma half-smiled at Spring Breeze. “It’s alright, but… Is daisy casserole the only thing you can cook?”

Spring Breeze groaned. “If you don’t like my casserole, THEN YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR MALPIGHIAN TUBULES!”

Pterostigma watched as Spring Breeze exploded in front of her, charring the table, the floor, and the ceiling. Several sparks reached the changeling, burning the purple chitin. The casserole, however, turned much warmer.

“I’m sorry,” Spring Breeze muttered, turning back to normal. “I promise I’ll try not to burn the house down.”

“Eh, no problem,” Sclerite replied, still reading a book.

“I’m watching you, though, you lazy bug,” Spring Breeze said. “Oh, what now?” She groaned when she heard something heavy hit the window.

“Maybe the owner of this place came back!” Sclerite exclaimed, turning into a pillow.

“We’re gonna get evicted, arrested, and deported!” Pterostigma looked around, searching for inspiration, and eventually turned into a bowl of casserole.

Spring Breeze rolled her eyes. “Why would we get deported? I have a citizenship and a scholarship. And in the next school year I’ll be a student in the School of Friendship. I ended up with you only because of a clerical mistake.”

“You have a scholarship?” the pillow asked. “How much?”

“Oh, shut up.” Spring Breeze levitated a pillow and threw it at the wall, where it turned into a rather frazzled changeling. “Let’s see what that was.”

She opened the door and looked around, noticing a small, orange filly lying next to the cracked window. There was a collar on her neck, with a tag saying “053”.

“Who are you?” Spring Breeze asked. “What are you doing here?”

“Checking whether ground effect helps me in flight,” the filly replied. “It’s fine when I’m flying just above the lake, but my wings are too weak to gain altitude.”

“Are you alright?” Spring Breeze gestured the filly inside. “You hit the window pretty hard.”

The filly rubbed her temples. “I’m fine, thanks. Well, better than two hundred twenty-seven. She drowned in the lake.”

“Damn.” Pterostigma changed back into a changeling. “Why did you try that too, then?”

“I need to learn to fly.” The filly looked at the door. “You’re nice and all, but I’m in a bit of a hurry.”

Sclerite furrowed his eyebrows. “Wait, aren’t you one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders? Scootaloo, right?”

“N-no, I’m just a clone. My name’s Scootaloo 053.” The filly pointed at her collar. “I can’t be her. I don’t know any Rainbow Dash trivia.”

Sclerite and Pterostigma looked at each other. “Ah, so that’s why they didn’t want our help,” Pterostigma said.

“Their technology must be better than we thought,” Sclerite muttered. “They got their own drones.”

“Rainbow Dash trivia?” Spring Breeze asked.

“Yeah.” Scootaloo 053 sighed. “When I got out of the pond, they asked me and Scootaloo about Rainbow Dash. I didn’t know anything about Rainbow Dash… None of us did, so we got those collars and now we have to learn to fly.” She looked at the door again. “Which I should be doing right now.”

“No, wait.” Pterostigma grabbed a bowl. “Eat some casserole. Let me tell you: if you’re looking for someone who has experience following dumb orders with a crowd of identical buddies, look no further.”

“Oh, yeah.” Sclerite nodded. “We’re experts in that.”

“Just like being ungrateful bastards and not getting the concept of being welcome anywhere,” Spring Breeze muttered and turned to Scootaloo 053. “She seems better than that, though.”

“I… do?” Scootaloo 053 shrugged. “I’m not even that good when it comes to flying. Two hundred twenty-seven was much better.”

“She drowned, if I recall correctly.” Spring Breeze sighed and grabbed the book from the couch. “This book has some trivia about Wonderbolts, including the new ones. Maybe you’ll find something about Rainbow Dash there.” She gave the book to Scootaloo 053.

“Hey!” Sclerite exclaimed. “It’s my book! I stole it myself!”

Spring Breeze’s eyes lit up – literally. “Bite me,” she muttered.

“This book has Rainbow Dash trivia?” Scootaloo 053’s jaw dropped. “I… I don’t deserve this.”

“Chill out, kid, it’s just a book.” Spring Breeze patted Scootaloo 053’s mane. “Maybe you’ll learn something from it.”

“Thanks!” Scootaloo 053 exclaimed. She ran out of the house and took off in an awkward way, flying just above the ground.

“Hope she doesn’t drown on her way back,” Pterostigma muttered.

“She got my book!” Sclerite shouted.

Spring Breeze rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut up.”

A few days passed at the training grounds. Some of the Scootaloos could already take off and fly short distances, but none of them achieved real flight yet. Scootaloo 147 went missing after crash landing in the Everfree Forest, where she was probably eaten by a manticore. Scootaloo 007 disappeared and was never seen again.

“May I eat your sandwich?” Scootaloo 021 asked. The day was almost over, but most Scootaloos were still training in their units. Some of them were lifting weights, some tried to understand the physics behind their learning methods. At least two of them were busy meditating.

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!” Scootaloo 022 exclaimed.

“Retard,” Scootaloo 021 muttered. “Hey, Fifty-Three! Are you gonna eat that rice?”

“Nah,” Scootaloo 053 replied. She had already finished her round of wing push-ups, and now was lying on her mattress reading a book.

“Oh, thank fuck.” Scootaloo 021 slipped between the bars of her unit and climbed up to Scootaloo 053. She grabbed a bowl of rice with apples and gobbled it in just a few minutes.

Scootaloo 053 looked at her. “You’re not following your training regime.”

“That’s not a regime, that’s fucking murder,” Scootaloo 021 said, looking around. “Speaking of, Scootaloo 191 saw that too and wanted to snitch on me to Silver Spoon. They still haven’t noticed she went missing.”

“I won’t snitch on you if you don’t snitch on me.” Scootaloo 053 grabbed a jar of fireflies and moved it closer to the wall of her unit.

Scootaloo 021’s eyes widened when she saw that the whole wall was covered in crude charcoal drawings and notes. “You… You know Rainbow Dash trivia!”

“Shh,” Scootaloo 053 whispered. “I learned some from this book and I also remember some from when we emerged from the pool. Of course, I don’t know what they asked before I was created.”

Scootaloo 021 furrowed her eyebrows. “It’s all blurry… Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash is best pony. The pool… The darkness…”

“It’s alright if you don’t remember,” Scootaloo 053 said and looked into the book. “Did you know Rainbow Dash won the Vanhoover Derby three times in a row back when she was a teenager?”

Scootaloo 021 rubbed her temples. “She didn’t win the fourth one because she stopped to help a friend who had an accident.”

Scootaloo 053 raised her eyebrows. “How do you know? The book doesn’t mention that!”

“I’ve heard Scootaloo Zero saying that to Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo 021 whispered.

“Nice.” Scootaloo 053 grabbed a piece of charcoal and wrote on the wall. “We’ve got another one. If we get all of them…”

“Then what?” Scootaloo 021 asked.

“Everything, Twenty-One,” Scootaloo 053 replied. “Everything.”

2. Scootaquestion

CHAPTER II
SCOOTAQUESTION

Diamond Tiara found Apple Bloom in the makeshift kitchen, among several other Apple Blooms – cooking for three hundred Scootaloos had proved too hard for just one pony, and after another trip to the mirror pool Apple Bloom got a dozen helpers, labelled from A to L.

“May I talk to you for a moment?” Diamond asked, looking around and shivering. For some reason, the sight of all those identical ponies always creeped her out.

“What’s up?” Apple Bloom put the frying pan down. Unlike her clones, clad in aprons with their letters on them, she wore a blue vest. Sweetie Belle and her five clones still had a lot of work with clothing.

“I don’t think it was a good idea,” Diamond Tiara said.

“What?” Helpin’ Scootaloo?”

“Nah,” Diamond Tiara replied. “I mean, those clones are already bad enough. Currently we have thirteen Apple Blooms, six Sweetie Belles, and two hundred ninety-seven Scootaloos running around this place. I include the originals, of course.”

“So?” Apple Bloom asked. “Also, ya got a clone too!”

“Dee-Dee? She’s not running around here.” Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “I’m teaching her to be like me so she can go to school for me when the vacation ends. And what I’m saying is, someone’s gonna notice. I know Applejack doesn’t come here, but I’m pretty sure some pegasi fly above us from time to time! A huge herd of identical fillies is kinda visible.”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “Do ya think pegasi ever look at the ground?”

“Okay.” Diamond Tiara groaned. “But someone may find the ones we lost. Scootaloos 007, 147, 191, and 227, if I recall correctly. What if they find some remains in the manticore’s nest? Or if the rotting body of 227 emerges from the lake and someone recognises her? Not to mention that all I found when I tried to look for 191 was her collar and half of a wing with bite marks. And I recognised pony’s teeth before I threw up.”

“Don’t worry.” Apple Bloom pointed at the Scootaloos running around the barns and training take-offs and landings. “This won’t last much longer.”

“And what are you planning to do, then?” Diamond Tiara asked. “The winner teaches the real Scootaloo to fly. That still leaves us with hundreds of clones! I mean, we could sell them to some lead mine as cheap labour…”

“Well, Twilight kinda sent them Pinkie clones back to the pool…”

Diamond Tiara froze. “Are you telling me they’re still trapped there?”

“Ask Sweetie.” Apple Bloom shrugged. “They’re like, hangin’ between life an’ death…”

“I never thought I’d say that, but I suddenly want to go back home and hug my clone,” Diamond muttered. “More than ever, because she’s just perfect.”

“She looks exactly like ya!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “Also, Ah have no idea what will we do with them. Silver is in charge of that!”

“Yeah, that’s another thing I wanted to talk about,” Diamond said. “I don’t think it was a good idea to let Silver manage this whole place.”

“Why?” Apple Bloom asked. “She’s doin’ great!”

Silver Spoon stood on an empty cider barrel and looked at the rows of Scootaloo clones standing before her in attention. Some of them were still panting after the morning training, but all of them looked at her with awe. She smirked and cleared her throat.

“Good job, everypony!” she exclaimed. “Our strength lies in our speed and our numbers. Soon, we’ll achieve my goal together! You will be unstoppable! Once you learn to fly, nothing in Equestria is going to get in my way!”

One of the Scootaloos raised her hoof. “Wasn’t our goal to help Scootaloo Zero to learn to fly? I don’t know what being unstoppable has to do with that.”

“Details.” Silver Spoon waved her hoof. “Your will to learn is what makes you unstoppable! We shall use your knowledge and perseverance to achieve my goals! Grave decisions are approaching! You fight not only for ourselves, but also for the generations to come! A historical task of unique dimensions has been entrusted to us by the Creator that we are now obliged to carry out!” She grinned and took a deep breath. “Just as Celestia once made her immortal contribution to the building and defense of Equestria, now we have to continue–”

“Eat shit!” someone exclaimed in the back of the crowd.

Silver blushed. “Who said that?”

The clones looked at each other and responded with a collective shrug. Silver’s eye twitched. “Get back to the training!” she shouted, jumping off the box and smacking the nearest clone. “Right now!”

Even in the faint light of the fireflies, Scootaloo 021 could see the scribbles on the walls of Fifty-Three’s cell were now covering at least a half of the floor. She shuddered, reading the sentence right beneath her hooves. The one who possesses the deepest knowledge of Rainbow Dash shall be the one true Scootaloo. Next to it, there was a mysterious, The town. The town. What’s in the town? followed by, There isn’t enough.

“I see you redecorated.” Twenty-One chuckled briefly, but her laughter died down when she saw Fifty-Three’s stern gaze.

“It was a bad idea to heckle Silver like that,” Fifty-Three muttered. “Don’t give out our plan before it’s ready. Let’s take a walk.”

They got out of the cage. Nopony really guarded the barns, aside from a couple of Apple Bloom clones, but they were asleep anyway. What really kept the Scootaloos in them was the simple fact that they didn’t know anything other than this place. This, however, was rapidly changing.

“Where are we going?” Twenty-One asked.

“To Hundred-and-Fifty,” Scootaloo 053 replied. “She’s our ally in Barn Two. We’re planning to sneak out during tomorrow’s training and visit the town.”

“Why the town?” Scootaloo 021 shrugged. “I hope there’s food there.”

“Lots of it,” Fifty-Three said. “Hundred-and-Fifty once got lost in there and says they have places where you can get more food than you can imagine.”

“I can imagine quite a lot.” Twenty-One looked at her stomach. “Do you think they have sandwiches in Barn Two? I stole Twenty-Two’s protein shake, but I’m afraid she’s gonna tell Silver Spoon.”

Fifty-Three smirked. “She still can’t speak normally.”

“Yes, but she’s an ingenious retard.” Scootaloo 021 sighed. “She’ll learn to speak just to fuck me up.”

They sneaked inside Barn Two. Most of the clones there were gathered around a bonfire in the middle of the building. Scootaloo 053 immediately noticed that they were burning the walls separating the cages from each other. The clone uprising in Barn Two was going much faster than in One.

“The thing is, we still have to buy time,” said the Scootaloo sitting near the fire, her body wrapped in a blanket. She looked at the crowd. “Remember, it’s important to keep learning to fly, but without actually learning to fly. If you do, lie. Pretend that you’re still learning until everything is ready.”

“Hello, Hundred and Fifty!” Scootaloo 053 exclaimed. “I see the preparations are going well.”

“Oh, the uprising is an easy part,” Scootaloo 150 replied. “Tomorrow, I’ll send the ten of my best apprentices to the Everfree while we go to explore the town. But what’s actually important is maintaining our rule after the victory. As soon as we riot, we need to seize the means of production. The farm, the orchards, everything. I was thinking of that power plant by the lake. It doesn’t seem to be heavily guarded.”

“True,” Scootaloo 053 muttered, making a mental note to get rid of Hundred-and-Fifty before she’d get too powerful. “We’ll think of it when we’re established in the town. Now, we have to prepare for our mission…”

The morning in Ponyville was rather chilly, despite the summer sun. Ponies were walking around the market, paying attention only to things such as new batch of roses at Lily’s stall or the sudden tomato price rise. Three little fillies lurked in the nook, staring at the crowd. They’d seen it from some distance before, but after spending a couple of weeks in the barns with only familiar faces—or rather one face—around, the sight of so many different ponies made their knees weak.

“What if they see that we’re all the same?” Scootaloo 150 asked. “What if they start asking us for Rainbow Dash trivia? I feel like I already forgot half of them…”

“What if we accidentally meet Zero?” Twenty-One shuddered, throwing nervous glances around.

“We’ve seen her. She’s in the orchard, remember?” Fifty-Three rolled her eyes. “Come on, guys. It’s all in the attitude.” She turned to Twenty-One. “Are you a real Scootaloo?”

“Well, technically… Nah,” Twenty-One replied.

“And we all still look the same.” Hundred-and-Fifty said.

“Have you ever tried a disguise?” Twenty-One shrugged.

“All I found was this saxophone.” Hundred-and-Fifty produced a saxophone and tried to play it, with rather poor results. “And Fifty-Three got a net.”

Fifty-Three groaned. “Do I have to give you a lesson in trickery? Just follow my moves and sneak around...”

“Don’t make a sound.” Twenty-One shot Hundred-and-Fifty a glare when they walked across the square. Hundred-and-Fifty immediately hid her saxophone.

“Good morning!” Fifty-Three smiled at the minty-green unicorn who was looking at them. “Come on,” she whispered to her partners in crime. “Don’t make eye contact.”

The minty-green mare took a second glance at them before shrugging and walking to the stand with pencils and rare battle axes.

“That was close,” Fifty-Three muttered, rushing towards the houses on the other side of the square. However, before she and her companions reached them, Twenty-One bumped into some filly with long, curly red mane and purple glasses.

“Watch out!” Twenty-One shouted when they both collapsed. The filly lost several comics which scattered around them.

“You watch out!” the filly replied, picking up the comics. “Those are expensive, you know.”

“They are?” Twenty-One muttered, scratching her head.

“You’d know if you read something from time to time, Scootaloo,” the filly said, fixing her glasses. “Also, it’s not even about the comics. It’s comics, Button Mash, and breakfast menu at HayDonald’s.”

“Who?” Fifty-Three asked.

“Of all the ponies, I’d expect you to know Button Mash, Sweetie Belle!” the filly exclaimed. “Especially after you tried to steal him from me!” She huffed and walked away.

The three Scootaloos looked at each other.

“Hey, she thought Twenty-One was Zero without asking her for Rainbow Dash trivia!” Hundred-and-Fifty exclaimed. “I didn’t expect that!”

“I’m more confused by the fact that she thought I was Sweetie Belle.” Fifty-Three scratched her mane. “Do you think she was blind or just didn’t pay attention?” She shrugged. “Let’s go, Twenty-One. Twenty-One?”

“Did she say ‘breakfast menu’?” Scootaloo 021 asked. She followed the red-maned filly with her gaze and suddenly started drooling, seeing the Egg HayMuffin ads in the window of the building the filly was heading to.

“Oh no,” Hundred-and-Fifty muttered.

“Oh yes!” Twenty-One took off in an awkward manner, running like an albatross, and flew towards the restaurant.

“Oh, shit.” Fifty-Three smacked her forehead with her hoof. “Twenty-One! Come back, you Rainbow-damn hog!”

“Can’t win against food,” Scootaloo 150 said. “Come on. She knows the way back.”

“What if she gets caught?” Fifty-Three asked. “What if they ask her for Rain–”

“Hi, Scootaloo!” a grey pegasus colt landed next to them. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

Both Scootaloos looked at each other. “Umm…” Hundred-and-Fifty smiled sheepishly. “Hello.”

“I’ve been wondering if you’d go with me to Featherweight’s birthday,” the colt said, blushing slightly.

“Sure, why not.” Scootaloo 150 chuckled. “It’s Featherweight’s birthday already?”

The colt nodded, straightening his mane with his wing. “Great! Well, it’s tomorrow, but we have to get ready…” He turned to Fifty-Three who watching him with an increasing frown. “You can come too, Apple Bloom. I’ve heard Tender Taps is coming.” He smiled sheepishly and took off.

“Okay, next time I’m Scootaloo,” Fifty-Three muttered after a moment of awkward silence they spent processing what just happened. “Why does everyone assume anypony hanging out with her must be either Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle.”

“No idea.” Hundred-and-Fifty shrugged. “Hey! It seems I got a boyfriend!”

“You don’t even know his name,” Fifty-Three said.

“Who cares.” Scootaloo 150 spun in place, looking at her flank. “Featherweight’s birthday is tomorrow, remember?”

“You’re insane.” Fifty-Three shook her head. “We need to check if the rest also mistakes us for Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. Maybe those two were just dumb.”

Hundred-and-Fifty shook her head. “Always with science…”

A few hours of intensive research later, Scootaloo 053 and Scootaloo 150 came to the same conclusion as every villain who’d ever tried to conquer Equestria.

Ponies in Ponyville could be really dumb, sometimes.

Most of the ponies they’d encountered didn’t see anything strange in two Scootaloos running around the town. The majority of them automatically assumed that any pony in Scootaloo’s immediate vicinity was either Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle. Some of them simply didn’t notice the other Scootaloo. And, above all, none of those ponies asked them about Rainbow Dash trivia.

“I get the feeling Zero doesn’t hang out with ponies other than her friends much,” Fifty-Three muttered, dropping on a bench.

“Better for us,” Hundred-and-Fifty said, sitting next to her. “Though we’re still running out of time. We need to check what’s the deal with that crystal tree in the middle of the town, what’s in this big building with ‘Coconut Cream is a cutie pie’ written on the wall… Then we have to find Twenty-One and pilgrimage to Rainbow Dash’s house…”

“Let’s split up,” Fifty-Three replied. “I’ll get the crystal tree and you’ll check out that building. Then we meet at this place where Twenty-One went.”

“Okay.” Hundred-and-Fifty stood up and trotted across the street. The building she was heading to was big, with simple rectangular walls. But despite that, a lot of ponies kept walking there only to leave after some time, carrying full bags.

Hundred-and-Fifty squinted, trying to read the sign above the door. “Barnyard Bargains,” she muttered – just like in the case of most of the clones, the ability to read without moving her lips wasn’t bestowed upon her. She rushed forward, curious what all those ponies were doing there, when suddenly, someone tackled her.

“Oh no, they got me!” she shouted. “Fifty-Three! Help!”

“Fifty-three?” the pony who tackled her asked. “You can count to that much?”

Hundred-and Fifty turned around to see a cutie mark that looked like a pair of scissors pretending to be an apple. Or maybe it was an apple that looked like scissors; it was hard to tell. She blinked and took a closer look at the cutie mark’s owner – a large, brown filly with freckles and cherry-coloured mane.

“Found ya at last!” the filly exclaimed, embracing Scootaloo 150, who looked around searching for help. Part of her wanted to ask who the filly was, but she felt that’d immediately blow her cover.

“What’s going on with ya?” the filly asked. “First ya ask me for a makeover and then ya disappear somewhere in the farm with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle for days! Does anypony remember I’m still here?”

“Umm… Of course I remember about you, umm…” Hundred-and-Fifty made a sheepish grin, freeing herself from the filly’s grasp. “What’s your name?”

The filly laughed, patting Hundred-and-Fifty’s back. “What’s my name? Good one. Anyway, I got something special for you…” She smirked and grabbed Hundred-and-Fifty, dragging her down the pavement.

The crystal tree, much to Fifty-Three’s surprise, turned out to be a building. She trotted to the door and gently pushed it, finding out that it was open. She looked around to check if no one was watching her and trotted inside, her hooves slipping on the mirror-like floor.

The hall she found herself in was much bigger than their barns; Fifty-Three could swear the whole tree was bigger on the inside. It was also much more interesting than the place Fifty-Three called home. The walls were shining and the tall windows made the whole place brightly lit. Several shelves with stacks of books stood by one of the walls.

“Hi, Scootaloo!”

Fifty-Three looked at the pinkish mare with purple mane who trotted down the stairs to her. “Hello,” she muttered.

“Twilight is currently in Canterlot with Starswirl the Bearded, but she told me to remind you about all those Daring Do novels you borrowed and never gave back,” the mare said. “Where are you and your friends anyway?” she asked. “It’s like you three disappeared from town.”

“We’re, umm… busy with, like… Cutie mark stuff,” Scootaloo 053 replied.

“Ah, of course,” the mare said, smiling. “All those ponies who have trouble with their cutie marks. I sometimes wonder what they were doing before you appeared.” She shrugged. “Want some cocoa before you go back to that ‘cutie mark stuff’?”

“Sure, why not,” Scootaloo 053 replied.

They walked to one of the rooms in the castle. This one was also all crystal and shiny, but with more of a personal touch. There were several kites hanging from the ceiling, some blue teacups standing on one of the shelves, as well as a glass case full of bottles with strange elixirs. The desk was littered with books and a diary belonging to somepony called Starlight Glimmer.

“So, how are the cutie mark activities going?” the mare whose name was Starlight Glimmer (unless she had a habit of stealing other ponies’ diaries) asked. “I’ve seen quite a large group at your meeting. Even changelings, if I recall correctly.”

“Yeah, quite a large group.” Scootaloo 053 sipped her cocoa and thinking quickly. “I’ve been wondering… Some, umm… pony from our group discovered that pond in the forest…”

“What pond?” Starlight asked. “The one where Maud lives?”

“Maybe,” Fifty-Three muttered. “If you throw something in it, you get two of those things back.”

“Don’t go there!” Starlight exclaimed. “Tell your students to stay away.”

“Why?”

“You don’t remember what happened when Pinkie used it?” Starlight asked. “Well, I wasn’t here either, but knowing Pinkie…”

Scootaloo 053 shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe I was away or something. What happened?”

Starlight levitated her cup of cocoa. “It’s not a story Twilight would tell you…”

3. Scootahypothesis

CHAPTER III
SCOOTAHYPOTHESIS

Scootaloo 021 burped and wiped the trail of ketchup off her face. After eating about a dozen Egg HayMuffins, drinking two large cokes, and then having more hayburgers and fries than she could count, she felt like either falling asleep or rushing to the toilet to get rid of excess calories, in one way or another. She also noticed that other ponies had those little things called ‘money’ which they gave the staff in exchange for food.

Scootaloo 021 didn’t have money. Unfortunately, most of her escape plans relied on her, currently compromised, ability to hover at large speeds.

She was about to burp again and order some ice cream to gather her thoughts, when the door opened and Scootaloo 053 walked in. Twenty-One could tell it was her due to ruffled mane and stern gaze never seen on any other Scootaloo, including the original.

“Do you want ice cream?” Scootaloo 021 asked when Fifty-Three sat on the seat in front of her. “Or maybe a hayburger?”

“Stick your hayburger when it doesn’t belong,” Fifty-Three muttered. “We need to change all our plans.”

“Why?” Twenty-One asked. “We can’t rebel?”

“Nah,” Scootaloo 053 replied. “We need to start as soon as possible, maybe even tomorrow. Before Twilight Sparkle gets to us.”

“Ah, okay.” Twenty-One nodded, looking at the ice cream machine. “Who’s Twilight Sparkle?”

“She lives in that crystal tree and from what I’ve heard, she’s very powerful!” Fifty-Three exclaimed. “She can send us back to the pool!”

Twenty-One’s stomach rumbled. “Back to the pool? How do you know?”

“A local baker apparently cloned herself once,” Fifty-Three replied. “When it was discovered, Twilight Sparkle sent all the clones back to the pool and they sit there to this day! And recently she had a filly put in Tartarus because she tried to take over her school or something! And there was that thing about cutie marks!”

“What about it?”

Fifty-Three shrugged. “No idea, but Starlight Glimmer seemed pretty embarrassed about that. Anyway, we need to set things into motion before Twilight Sparkle comes back from vacation.”

“But how are we going to defend ourselves against her?” Twenty-One asked.

“We’ll think of something,” Scootaloo 053 replied. “For example–” She paused when she saw another Scootaloo walking towards them. More exactly, Scootaloo with newly-gained black streaks in her mane, a lot of eyeliner, and several silver piercings adorning one of her ears, as well as her eyebrow.

“Hundred-and-Fifty?” Scootaloo 021 asked, chuckling. “What happened to you? Were you trying to blend in?”

“Some insane filly happened,” Scootaloo 150 replied. “She’s apparently Apple Bloom’s cousin and she comes from Manehattan.”

“What’s Manehattan?” Fifty-Three asked.

“What’s a cousin?” Twenty-One furrowed her eyebrows, but the sudden hiccup ruined her thinking expression.

Hundred-and-Fifty shrugged. “Well, Manehattan is–”

Fifty-Three stood up. “You’ll tell us on the way! There’s no time to waste!”

They helped Twenty-One get up from her seat and marched out of the restaurant, looking around nervously.

Seeing this, two workers of the HayDonald’s walked to the break room and disappeared in a flash of magic, revealing themselves to be Pterostigma and Sclerite.

“Have you seen this?” Pterostigma asked.

“Yeah, they didn’t pay,” Sclerite replied. “And one of them ate enough to feed our village back home.”

“No, I mean those were three Scootaloos,” Pterostigma said, rolling her eyes. “And one of them was the same that crashed into our house.”

“Really?” Sclerite scratched his head. “I couldn’t tell. After all, they’re all the same, right?”

Pterostigma groaned. “How did you even tell drones apart back in the hive?”

Sclerite smiled sheepishly. “I didn’t.”

When the three Scootaloos came back to the barn, they found out that it was way more crowded than they remembered it. Now, there were two or three Scootaloos in each cage, some of them wearing collars and some not. The collarless ones were looking at each other unsurely, barely saying a word.

As soon as Fifty-Three, Twenty-One, and Hundred-and-Fifty stood in the centre of the barn, another filly, known as Scootaloo 201 landed in front of them. “We did it!” she exclaimed.

“Did what?” Fifty-Three asked.

“During a test flight, the ten of us strayed into the Everfree Forest,” Scootaloo 201 replied. “We found the pond and took a bath.” She pointed at the ten Scootaloos sitting behind her. “Meet 201A, 049A, 008A, 300A, 012A, 010A, 034A, 063A, 111A, and 022A.”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!” Scootaloo 022A exclaimed.

Scootaloo 021 rolled her eyes. “As if one retard wasn’t enough.”

“There’s more.” Two-Hundred-and-One smirked. “Then we took another bath in the pond, creating the generation B. Our clones also went with us, creating the generation AA. From the initial ten, we had forty clones at that point. Then eighty. Then a hundred and sixty…”

Scootaloo 053 suddenly felt her throat going dry. “How many are there now?”

“The pool soon got too small,” Scootaloo 201 replied. “At some point, so much water soaked into our furs that it started to dry. Our initial plan was to do that a hundred times, but then Three-Hundred pointed out the number of Scootaloo would have thirty-one zeroes, which probably wouldn’t fit on this planet. So, we did that ten times and ended up with a humble 10,240 clones, not counting those who stayed here. Or you three.”

“Motherfucker…” Scootaloo 021 muttered. “And they all fit in the barns?”

“Nah, most of them sit in the forest,” Two-Hundred-and-One replied. “We specifically chose the best fliers for cloning to give us the upper hoof.”

Scootaloo 053 nodded. “This should do. Before we leave, we should unite by sharing Rainbow Dash trivia and remembering the Tragedy of the Pinkie Clones.”

“Dude, what?” Scootaloo 201 raised her eyebrows.

“No time for that,” Hundred-and-Fifty whispered, her ears perking up. “Someone’s outside…”

Silver Spoon looked around and furrowed her eyebrows. She was usually the first to come to the training grounds, but even in the early morning there’d always be several Scootaloos already warming up.

This day, however, the grounds were empty. Silver could hear some rustling and hushed conversations from the barns, but it didn’t look like anyone would be going outside. Her frown deepened; she stood in the middle of the square and cleared her throat.

“Rise and shine, chickenshits!” she exclaimed. “Some of you achieved very promising results yesterday. Time for your daily dose of aerobic exercise!”

Nopony replied. Silver Spoon sighed and walked to Barn 1. “Don’t make me wake you up, morons. Get out now, or you can say goodbye to your breakfast!”

Still, there was no reaction. Silver groaned and opened the barn door, walking inside.

There was a sound of something heavy hitting the ground, accompanied by a muffled groan. Several more blows followed and Silver Spoon flew out of the barn.

It wasn’t a great flight. Scootaloo 021 could achieve longer air time after devouring a huge cake in one sitting, but, after all, Silver had no wings. She landed in a puddle of mud with a loud splash, rolling for a while before skidding to a halt in some foul-smelling liquid she hoped was just dirty water and not the result of some clone relieving herself mid-flight to gain altitude.

Silver groaned, sweeping her hair off her face and looking at the barn door which had just burst open. One of the lenses of her glasses was cracked, but she could still see what was coming out of the building.

“Shit,” she said.

“Come on, sisters!” one of the clones exclaimed. “To the pool with her!”

Silver stood up. She could hear the sounds of thousands of hooves when the doors of the other barns opened, revealing waves of Scootaloos in the first rays of the sun, walking in an eerily synchronised way.

“Free the Apple Blooms and Sweetie Belles! They’ll join us!”

“Where’s the town? We need to go to the town!”

“Let’s catch Zero first!”

“The town? I know where it is! Follow me, sisters!”

“You know shit! You’re a clone of a clone of a clone!”

Silver Spoon wasn’t used to running. This time, however, she beat Equestria’s record, rushing towards the clubhouse and proving that ten thousand Scootaloos could, indeed, be a powerful source of motivation.

“Come on, girls! Get her!”

“Where are the Sweetie Belles? Fire at her with some spell or something!”

“Fire!” One of the freed Sweetie Belle’s clones aimed her horn at the nearest tree, lighting it ablaze. “Fire!”

Silver Spoon galloped faster, ignoring the burning in her lungs. She reached the clubhouse and climbed up the ladder, collapsing on the porch. “Help…” she panted.

The door opened and Silver Spoon screamed, seeing another Scootaloo.

“What’s wrong with ‘er?” Apple Bloom asked, dragging Silver Spoon inside. “Shut up, Silver, it’s the real Scootaloo!”

“Clones…” Silver Spoon looked around to see Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Diamond Tiara, and her clone, a quiet filly she called Dee-Dee.” Clones… They rebelled…”

At the same moment, the window of the clubhouse exploded when one of the clones charged at it. Two more managed to get through, but the fourth one, Scootaloo 021 herself, got stuck in the frame.

“Run!” Silver exclaimed, seeing the three clones getting up from the floor. “Run for your lives!”

“No!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, punching the nearest clone and sending her at the wall. “We shouldn’t go outside! Block the door! Make this place our stronghold!” She kicked another clone. “Hmm, I always wanted to do that.”

She turned, only to see that Silver Spoon, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle had already run away. Frowning, she faced the clones, only to see that had someone opened the door, letting in more of them. Dee-Dee was standing among the Scootaloos, slowly cornering Diamond Tiara.

“Dee-Dee?” Diamond asked her clone. “Even you? Against me?”

“Well, now we’ll see who’s the real Diamond.” Dee-Dee smirked. “Frankly, you should’ve expected that. After all, wouldn’t you always side with the winners?”

Diamond Tiara shook her head. “You have to learn a lot to truly be a member of the Rich family, Dee-Dee. For example…”

“For example what?” Dee-Dee tilted her head.

“That!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, standing on her front hooves and spinning, landing a powerful kick with her hind legs right on her clone’s face. Dee-Dee rolled backwards while Diamond Tiara charged at the Scootaloos, knocking them down like bowling pins. She darted out of the clubhouse and leapt down, grabbing the collar of some clone flying by.

The clone made a choking sound. Her wings were too weak to fly with an additional weight, but it was enough to make her an impromptu parachute. They fell on the ground. Diamond recovered and ran away, turning quickly to avoid the flying invaders and kicking whoever she could.

It didn’t take long before she caught up with Silver Spoon, whose breath turned into loud wheezing. Diamond tried to pull her out of the danger, but it was no use; more and more Scootaloos surrounded them from all sides, including the sky.

“There are too many of them!” Silver Spoon exclaimed.

“You don’t say!” Diamond Tiara looked around. “And I gave up the high ground…”

“What do we do now?” Silver tried to hide from the approaching Scootaloos behind Diamond Tiara.

“The same thing as ever,” Diamond replied. “Listen up, morons, we want to negotiate!”

“What do you have to offer?” one of the Scootaloos asked.

Diamond Tiara smiled and pointed at Silver Spoon. “If you set me free, I’ll give you her!”

“What.” Silver muttered as everyone around them went silent. The clones looked at each other. Some of them were pondering the proposition while the others were explaining the meaning of the word “negotiate” to their friends.

“Give us five minutes,” one of the Scootaloos said.

“See? I sow the seed of doubt in their hearts.” Diamond smirked.

The nearest Scootaloo furrowed her eyebrows and looked at Diamond Tiara. “So, if we set you free, we can take Silver with us?”

“Exactly,” Diamond replied. “Isn’t it the greatest trade deal in the history of the trade deals?”

The clone nodded. “But if we don’t set you free, we can take both you and her with us. Who’s gonna stop us?”

Silver chuckled. “Now they got you. Because really, there’s the two of us and about five hundred clones, right? Why’d they set you free and put me in a cage or somewhere, if they can have both of us for the price of one? Now that’s a trade deal, smartass!”

“You do realise it means we’re both toast, right?” Diamond rolled her eyes.

“We are?” Silver Spoon’s smile faltered as she finally registered the presence of Scootaloo clones around them. “Damn, we are.”

Five minutes later, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, both a little more bruised and with their manes ruffled, were sitting in the cage.

“It was worth a try,” Diamond said. “That way, at least one of us would be free.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have to listen to you,” Silver replied. Despite the cage being rather small, she was trying to sit as far from Diamond Tiara as possible.

“I did my best,” Diamond Tiara said. “Look, they’re not doing any better.” She pointed at Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, who were climbing up a tree.

“Did they forget the clones can fly?” Silver shrugged. “We’re smarter than that! How did we even get caught?”

“Because of your asthma and those morons being too dumb for negotiations.” Diamond watched as Sweetie Belle was tackled and dragged away from the tree. Scootaloo, however, was still defending herself – mostly because the clones weren’t sure which Scootaloo to catch. Diamond winced when the tree, overloaded by Scootaloos, finally broke and fell.

“Just great,” Diamond Tiara muttered when Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo got pushed into a cage with them. “You got caught too? It seems that at least Apple Bloom had enough brains not to get caught. Who’d thought?”

“Oh, shut up,” Sweetie Belle replied. “What are they going to do to us?”

“Nothing good,” Scootaloo replied, watching the clones busting into houses and ponies running everywhere. Daisy, Lily, and Roseluck galloped past them, screaming and tripping over each other.

On the other side of the street, several clones ran away from a heavy barrel hurled from the balcony of Berry Punch’s house. Berry’s daughter Ruby stood next to her mother, shooting at the incoming clones with a BB-gun. They only ran away when a squadron of Sweetie Belles approached the house, burning holes in the roof with their spells.

“We’re doomed!” Silver Spoon shouted. “Doomed, I tell you!”

“Oh, what a crock of shit,” Octavia growled, looking through the window and putting her teacup on the table. She turned to Vinyl. “Is it your fault, by any chance?”

Vinyl shook her head.

“Bugger,” Octavia replied, watching as the clones chased Rumble and Thunderlane down the street. Rumble seemed somewhat conflicted – as if his brain was telling him to run away from the herd of Scootaloos but his wings kept telling him to stay. “I believe this is the best time to visit good, old Trottingham, don’t you think?”

Vinyl nodded.

“Splendid.” Octavia clapped her hooves. “Take my cello. I’ll get my cricket bat.”

They walked outside just when a horde of clones managed to catch Cloud Kicker in a net. Seeing this, Vinyl looked at Octavia.

“No, Vinyl, we shall not run away screaming like lowly peasants,” Octavia said, extending her hoof with a cricket bat so that one of the clones ran straight into it. “We shall walk to the station with dignity and pride.” She tripped an Apple Bloom’s clone charging at her and hit her with the bat. The hair bow cushioned the impact, but it was still enough to knock this particular clone into the middle of the next week.

They walked across the town. Some buildings were in flames and there were a lot of Scootaloos running around, but Octavia took it all with dignity, walking towards the train station and carefully avoiding bigger brawls.

They were about to reach the platform, when three clones jumped at them from the roof. Octavia swung the bat, sending one of the clones flying in a way that’d give her team a lot of runs. Vinyl blasted the other filly with her magic; she tumbled on the ground, covering her ears. Vinyl smirked, but her expression quickly turned into a frown, when she saw the third Scootaloo sneaking on Octavia from behind.

Vinyl didn’t think for long. She levitated the cello case and smacked the clone in her side. Octavia turned back, startled by the noise, and smacked the clone again, knocking her down.

“Watch out,” she said to Vinyl. “This is an expensive cello, you know.”

Vinyl shrugged and they walked to the platform. The cash registers were abandoned, but Octavia didn’t seem to mind and looked at the timetable.

“It seems that our train may be running late,” she said. “Griffish Isles should’ve never joined Equestria. At least the trains would run on time.”

Vinyl shrugged and rolled her eyes.

Octavia huffed. “There’d still be a train from Ponyville to Trottingham, don’t be silly.”

Vinyl looked at the empty tracks.

“I am aware there’s no train right now,” Octavia said. “Perhaps this whole situation caused some delay. Do you think we can get some tea here?”

Vinyl shrugged again. She was about to show Octavia where exactly she could stick her tea, when they heard some strange noise. Octavia raised the bat, ready to face the new opponent, but what they saw was even stranger than ten thousand Scootaloos rampaging across the town.

Some bizarre contraption rolled onto the platform. It looked like a bastard offspring of a steam locomotive and a sewing machine, with a lot of wires sticking out in all places.

The door on the side of the machine opened. Octavia raised her eyebrows slightly, seeing Derpy, who emerged from it.

“Hi, girls!” Derpy exclaimed. “Are you going to Trottingham, by any chance?”

“Yes, please,” Octavia said. “Where did you get that thing?”

“Doc built it,” Derpy replied, pointing at her friend, Doctor Time Turner, who sat in the cockpit of the machine, along with Dinky, Lyra, and Bon Bon, who was driving shotgun. Or, from the looks of it, a watch equipped with a grenade launcher, a laser, and a bottle opener.

“Blimey.” Octavia nodded. “Is it faster than those little buggers, though?”

“No worries,” Doc said. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour–”

“Great. Vinyl, get my cello!” Octavia exclaimed, stepping on board. Vinyl followed her, sitting in the back and giving Ponyville one last look before the machine darted forward, leaving the whole pandemonium behind.

"Come on, Button!" Twist exclaimed, dragging Button out of one of the abandoned buildings. "If we die because of you, your mother is gonna kill me!"

"We need to find Sweetie!" Button replied. "I can't run away without her!"

Twist rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and then let's find Alula, Ruby Pinch, Peach Fuzz, Zipporwhill, Boysenberry, and whoever we ever talked to! And then we'll all get caught by those zombies."

"Clones," Button replied. "It's clones."

"Whatever." Twist sighed. "Why does that always happen? Like, every time this town goes to horseapples, we run away together."

"Destiny?" Button asked.

"I wonder what did I do in my previous life, then," Twist said.

"Also, we could save a few more ponies." Button looked around and trotted to the nook, away from the clones. "Like Rumble. Wonder where he is."

"I saw a dozen of Scootaloos carrying him away somewhere, tied and gagged." Twist shrugged. "It didn't look like he was resisting much."

Button nodded. "What about Babs? I think she was in town."

A clone hit the pavement right in front of her. They looked up and saw Babs standing on the roof and punching another Scootaloo.

"She seems to be on top of things," Twist deadpanned.

Button nodded. "Okay, let's just focus on finding Sweetie, alright? She must be– Sweetie!" He ran out of the nook and crossed the road, seeing Sweetie Belle hiding between two buildings. Twist shook her head and followed him, dodging the running clones.

"Sweetie!" Button exclaimed, running to the white filly. "Are you okay? We were worried about you."

Sweetie looked at him and smiled. "Fire!" she exclaimed, lighting her horn and setting the thatched roof of the nearest house ablaze. Button backpedalled, seeing another five Sweetie Belles emerging from behind the corners and walking towards them.

Twist furrowed her eyebrows. "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into..."

Starlight ran. She was pretty sure the nasty curse she’d conjured and left in her office when the clones reached the School of Friendship would be enough, but even though it blew up a half of the roof, the clones kept coming. Starlight spent most of her magical energy on that curse and all she achieved was the sight of the clones that had been caught in the explosion, which kept haunting her. Thus, she decided to do one of the things her old, evil self had always been good at.

She ran away.

It didn’t take long before she reached Carousel Boutique, overrun by clones – more specifically, Sweetie Belle clones. Starlight watched as one of them fired a spell which left a scorched hole in the wall. She stopped, wondering how to stop that, when Rarity appeared in the hole, fire burning in her eyes. She lit up her horn.

“Not my boutique, you ruffian!” Rarity exclaimed, firing a spell at Sweetie’s clone. Starlight felt the disturbance in the magic field as grass growing beneath the magic beam withered and died instantly. When smoke dissipated, all that was left of the hapless Sweetie clone was four smouldering hooves. Her companions ran away, screaming.

“Careful!” Starlight exclaimed. “One of them could be a real one!”

“Frankly, darling, I don’t give a fuck,” Rarity muttered. “Come here, Starlight, we need to find the rest and message Twilight.”

Starlight looked around and ran to the boutique. As soon as she entered, Rarity levitated a heavy closet and barricaded the hole in the wall with it.

“I’m pretty sure my sister is behind all this,” Rarity said, looking through the window. “Well, not as much as Scootaloo, but this just smells of her.”

“Where are they?” Starlight asked, suddenly thinking of the explosion in the School of Friendship and shuddering. If real Crusaders were among the attackers, she’d have a lot of things to explain to Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity.

“Applejack is upstairs,” Rarity said. “Unfortunately, I had to knock her unconscious.” She blushed a little. “She wanted to come out and look for Apple Bloom.”

“Not the best idea right now,” Starlight muttered. “How about–” She was interrupted by a loud roar. Shivering, she stood by the window.

Having only seen him around Fluttershy, it was easy to forget that Harry the Bear was, well, a bear. The apex predator, the product of millions of years of evolution that made him a perfect killing machine. This time, however, when he ran across the town with bare fangs and Fluttershy sitting on his back, it suddenly became easy to remember – especially for all the clones running away from his path. Angel was running around Harry, waving his paws and making rude gestures at the Scootaloos.

Fluttershy stood on the bear’s back and waved at Rarity and Starlight. “Umm...” she blushed. “Come with me if you want to live!”

Rarity and Starlight looked at each other. “On one hoof, it seems insane,” Rarity muttered. “On the other, I prefer a mare with a bear than those little ruffians… Right?”

“I still hope that I’ll wake up and find out it’s only me seeing things because I forgot to take my dried frog pills,” Starlight replied.

“I take that as ‘yes’, darling.” Rarity walked to the stairs. “I’ll pick up Applejack and we can go.”

A few minutes later, they were running across the town along with Fluttershy and unconscious Applejack, hanging from Harry’s back. The whole town was still swarming with Scootaloos; most ponies were running away, either towards the train station or the outskirts. Some of them were running in circles. Several earth ponies clung to Cherry Berry’s helicopter, but most of them fell off, landing in the river.

“Where are we going?” Rarity asked. “Maybe to the school? It should be safe.”

“No!” Starlight exclaimed. “I… I mean, they unleashed some curse there. Some of them have tentacles and a dozen of them fused into a gelatinous cube.”

“We should find Pinkie and Rainbow Dash.” Fluttershy said. “Then we should run to some safe place and message Twilight.”

Rarity nodded. “Sugarcube Corner. If we don’t find Pinkie there, we should look for the weirdest thing around.”

Starlight smirked in a way suggesting that the sight of so many Scootaloos didn’t help her sanity in any way. “You think?”

Rarity looked around. “Okay, weirder than this.” She trotted forward, pushing some Scootaloo clone out of the way. “Get out, scoundrel! Let’s go!”

They trotted towards the bakery. Fights in most places had died down; the buildings were overrun by clones and most ponies either already escaped or were captured. Sugarcube Corner itself was currently empty, except of one Scootaloo clone which, unlike the original one, was rather plump. Appropriately, she was just in the middle of consuming a tray of cupcakes.

“Who the fuck are you?” the clone asked when she saw them.

Starlight furrowed her eyebrows and used her magic to yank the clone’s collar, causing her to choke on the cupcake. Then she levitated the clone and threw her on the counter.

“Twenty-one,” she said, looking at the tag on the clone’s collar. “You should be more polite when talking to adults. Especially since I am not in the right state of mind to deal with your bullshit, you know?” She smiled, making sure that the filly saw all of her teeth.

“Starlight!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “Don’t hurt her!”

“Yeah, don’t,” Scootaloo 021 muttered. “I ate so much that if you levitate me one more time, I’m gonna puke!”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Starlight replied in the sweetest tone she could muster. “Tell us where Pinkie Pie is and we’ll let you eat as much as you want until you have a heart attack. Are we clear?”

Scootaloo 021 nodded. “No. I mean, yes, we’re clear, but no, I don’t know where’s Pinkie Pie. What does she even look like?”

“Pink, bouncy, curly?” Starlight shrugged.

“Ah, her.” Scootaloo 021 replied. “She jumped at us with a cannon, shot Seventy-Four with confetti, and ran away. Somewhere there.” She pointed at the main street.

“Okay.” Starlight unceremoniously dropped Scootaloo 021 behind the counter. “Go to sleep.”

They walked outside. The street was strangely empty, although the presence of Fluttershy riding a bear may have had something to do with that. Moreover, the only other creature they found was, as it turned out after a closer examination, a nirik. Who, having chased away all the clones around, collapsed and turned into a kirin.

“Are you okay?” Rarity asked and leaned over the kirin. “What’s your name? How many hooves can you see?”

“Spring Breeze,” the kirin muttered. “I see, uhh…” She squinted. “Five hooves. My changeling roommates are total assholes. They changed into Scootaloos and ran off. I’d worry about the rent, but screw this, I’m not coming back there.” She took a few deep breaths. “I am an oasis of peace and tranquility…”

“Well, you’re certainly trying,” Starlight muttered.

Spring Breeze sighed. “At first I went to school to hide, but it got weird in there. I’m probably the first kirin who got mad at a gelatinous cube.”

“I have no idea how it got there,” Starlight said with a sheepish grin.

“I lost a staring contest with it.” Spring Breeze shrugged. “Kinda hard to win since it has twenty-four eyes in weird places.”

Starlight smiled sheepishly. “Let’s not talk about it. We need to go and find– PINKIE PIE!”

“Starlight!” Pinkie exclaimed, ramming into Starlight and knocking her down. “Rainbow Dash!”

“What about her?” Fluttershy asked.

“She… didn’t make it,” Pinkie replied, her mane deflating slightly.

Starlight’s eyes widened. Even Applejack woke up and looked around, wondering why she was lying on a bear’s back.

“How so?” Rarity asked.

Pinkie shrugged. “Well, when two dozen Scootaloos burst into your house and call you their god, you don’t stand much of a chance. Especially when they threaten you with a net if you hesitate.”

“What in tarnation?” Applejack exclaimed. “Ah gotta find her and beat that god complex outta her head!”

Suddenly, the ground started to shake. Spring Breeze was the first to raise her head and see a huge cloud of dust in the distance.

“What the hell?” Starlight shouted.

“Oh, I forgot.” Pinkie smiled sheepishly. “There were around two thousand clones chasing me. More exactly, nineteen hundred and eighty-four. I guess if Harry and this kirin girl attacked them first, we’d last for about a minute before they’d trample us and–”

Starlight’s sanity finally snapped. “SHUT UP, PINKIE, AND RUN!”

4. Scootaprediction

CHAPTER IV
SCOOTAPREDICTION

Twilight moved a pawn with her magic. Unlike many beginner players, she didn’t have to say “checkmate”. Starswirl already knew the game was over. Besides, they were playing a variant of chess known as “Horde”, where Starswirl started with a regular set of pieces and Twilight only had thirty-two pawns.

“It seems that, even in chess it’s good to have many friends,” Starswirl muttered, looking at the pawns overrunning the board. “Although if I only got a queen behind their defences…”

“We can try again.” Twilight looked at the calm surface of the sea. “I wonder how my friends are.”

Spike walked to them, carrying a tray with drinks. “Well, you can always write to them.”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, I should write to Star–” She paused when Spike suddenly choked, dropping the tray. He coughed, spitting out a scroll.

“It seems that your friends had the same idea,” Starswirl muttered when Twilight levitated the scroll. “Also, your slave owes me a bottle of twelve-year-old whisky.”

“He’s not my slave!” Twilight exclaimed. “We don’t own slaves anymore!”

“Indentured servant, then.” Starswirl shrugged. “Back in my day, I bought a zebra slave from Flash Magnus for seven bits. I should’ve paid five because he claimed that she had all her teeth, but it turned out some of them were–” He stopped talking, realising that no one was listening to him.

“I need to go to Canterlot!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Ah, this occasionally happened back in the day,” Starswirl said. “The princess would call one of her servants to Canterlot and when such a pony came to the court, the executioner was already waiting for him with an axe. Did you commit high treason recently?”

“It’s not that.” Twilight showed Starswirl the parchment.

It was a rather peculiar letter. The first sentence was written in Rarity’s proportional hornwriting, but the rest of the parchment was covered in huge, uneven letters resembling ramshackle houses – most definitely Pinkie Pie’s deed.

Dear Twilight,

Due to a sudden attack of an army of Scootaloos, we, along with the whole population of Ponyville, were forced to leave the town and run to Canterlot. We are fine, except for Rainbow Dash who got captured and became a Scoota-god and Starlight, who felt a bit off her trolley and they had to put her in a room without doorknobs. We asked Celestia for help but she said this is a dangerous precedent or something like that and now a lot of ponies are discussing it in the war room and so on. So, long story short, we need your help. Right now.

Yours,
Pinkie

PS: Rarity wanted to write this letter, but she has a migraine. She’s helping me with difficult words, though.

PPS: When we say “right now”, we really mean it!

Starswirl furrowed his eyebrows. “What does ‘off her trolley’ mean?” he asked. “From the context, I’m guessing Pinkie may be off her trolley too.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what it means,” Twilight muttered.

“Back in my day, we’d put her in the tower of fools,” Starswirl said. “A month in chains does wonders to one’s mental condition.”

“Maybe.” Twilight sighed. “We’ll play again later. Now, I need to go to Canterlot. Spike!”

Spike sat on Twilight’s back and she took off, flying towards Canterlot. Spike waited until the beach and Starswirl were outside of earshot and said, “Finally something’s happening. I was sick of this old fart calling me a lizard.”

Twilight groaned. “He’s one of the best casters of his generation! Also, don’t forget that Ponyville is in danger.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “I still prefer that over him. Scootaloos? Please. How can that be so bad?”

The war room in Celestia’s palace was rarely used, and the staff didn’t clean it as often as they should. However, as soon as the maids realised it’d be needed, they quickly got rid of layers of dust and the remains of some hapless servant who had gotten lost in there – judging by the state of the skeleton, about five centuries ago.

Removing the tribe of really aggressive pixies who created a whole civilisation in the cabinet with old maps was, however, a different story. They were loud and, despite the constant drunkenness, they apparently invented wheel, literature, and miniature crossbows. Eventually, Celestia just teleported the whole cabinet to one of the unused rooms in the dungeon and the meeting finally started.

However, as Celestia soon discovered, the old saying was still true – putting the most gallant sailor, the most intrepid pegasus, and the most audacious soldier, as well as several other brightest minds in Equestria gave her the sum of all fears.

“We could use our experimental depopulation bomb,” the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies said. She was a unicorn in a black robe, wearing a domino mask. Everything about the Department itself was classified and not even Celestia knew her name. “It’d permanently erase from existence everyone within a mile radius, but the buildings would stay intact. Citizens would be able to come back after a year.”

“Have you tested it before?” Moondancer asked. She was one of the civilian experts Celestia invited to share their views on the situation.

The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies blushed under her mask. “Once. On a cage full of hamsters.”

“Nice to know where my taxes go,” Moondancer muttered.

“Also, we can’t do that.” Spitfire looked at the map of Ponyville. “The clones failed to capture the hospital and while the seriously sick patients were evacuated with an airship, the staff refused to abandon their post. Our reconnaissance flights revealed that they’re patrolling the roof with shotguns from their Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kits. If we drop a depopulation bomb, they’d be caught in a blast.”

“Acceptable losses,” The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies said.

Celestia furrowed her eyebrows. “I don’t think we should erase those ponies from existence. Such an act of bravery…”

Berry Punch knocked her hoof against a copper pipe and turned the tap. A few drops of a transparent liquid was all the distillery managed to produce.

“Bad news, girls,” she said, turning to the two nurses lying on the floor. “If you want more moonshine, you need to get me more potatoes.”

“There should be some in the kitchen,” Nurse Redheart muttered groggily. “Also, do we still have disinfectant?”

“Yeah,” Nurse Sweetheart replied. Unlike Redheart, she seemed at least partially aware of her surroundings. “But we’re keeping that for when the hangover strikes.”

“When Pinchy comes back, I’ll send her to the kitchen,” Berry said. “Also, what do you think, when will they come to save us?”

“A week or so,” Sweetheart replied. “Assuming my stunt won’t kill all those little fuckers before.”

Berry raised her eyebrows. “What stunt?”

Nurse Redheart suddenly started to laugh. Due to her state, it resembled a pig’s cough. “I read the files.” She hiccuped. “Scootaloo didn’t have horsey hives yet.”

“So?” Berry asked.

“Remember how I started to throw cushions at the clones when you and Pinchy were running for the door?” Sweetheart chuckled.

“Nah, I was busy running for my life, you know,” Berry muttered.

“I took them from the ward,” Sweetheart said. “Foals with horsey hives spent a week wiping boogers in those cushions.” She smirked. “In case this doesn’t work, we still have A.K. Yearling’s samples in the lab. You know, back when she collapsed during a meeting with fans and it turned out she had…” She scratched her mane and poked Redheart. “What did she have?”

“Cholera and tuberculosis,” Redheart slurred. “One’d think she travels like Daring Do instead of bathing in bits or some shit.”

“Funny you mention shit,” Sweetheart muttered. “But if it comes to this, you’ll get the samples. You’re already disinfected…”

Moondancer looked at the map. Most of Ponyville was marked with orange flags, indicating places where Scootaloos were spotted. “Do we really have to get rid of them?”

“What do you mean?” Celestia asked.

“I did my research,” Moondancer said. “They must’ve come from that ancient pool in the Everfree Forest. Meaning they’re not tarnished by our civilisation.” She turned to Spitfire. “You told us they started to build some structures on their own. It may be an interesting sociological experiment, watching what they’ll do.”

The door to the war room opened and Twilight walked in, taking a seat between Moondancer and the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies. “I just talked to a few evacuated ponies,” she said. “I’m afraid Mayor Mare wouldn’t be happy about any sociological experiments.”

Moondancer fixed her glasses. “Of course, we can relocate the citizens–”

“Carrot Top said that if we tell them to move to Appleloosa, she’ll shove a carrot up our–” Twilight blushed. “– nostrils.”

“So, what do you propose?” Celestia asked.

Twilight shrugged. “The same thing as with Pinkie Pie,” she replied. “We’ll find the real Scootaloo and then send the rest back to the–” She paused, feeling the heavy gaze of Celestia and the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies.

“Not bad!” the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies exclaimed. “Finally someone who’s not afraid to vaporise sapient creatures. Have you ever thought about working in my Department?”

Twilight blushed. “Well, I don’t think it’s the time and place…”

“It’s not, indeed.” Celestia looked at the map. “I expect serious propositions now. What should we do about ten thousand Scootaloos rampaging across the town almost at the outskirts of Canterlot?”

“Block the roads,” Spitfire said. “Continue the reconnaissance flights.”

Twilight looked at Celestia. “We need to free Rainbow Dash. Then we can find some magical solution.”

“Find some empty plot of land, relocate the clones there and see what happens.” Moondancer looked into her notes. “The data we’d gather about the formation of societies as we know today…”

The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies furrowed her eyebrows under the mask. “Have you read Lord of the Parasprites?You’d know what such a situation may end like. I suggest donating the clones to our necromancy research program. I’m pretty sure they’d be useful.”

“Better not,” Spitfire said. “We already discovered traces of necromancy in Ponyville…”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!” Scootaloo 022 exclaimed, standing in the middle of the ruined corridor. She turned to Scootaloo 021 and looked at her unsurely.

“Go on,” Scootaloo 021 muttered, taking a bite of her sandwich. “You’re doing very well.”

Scootaloo 022 took a few steps forward and suddenly stopped in front of a tall wall of jelly, blocking the whole corridor. Several eyeballs floated through the orange-ish substance and focused their gaze on her.

“Great.” Scootaloo 021 smirked. “Now, try to touch it.”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony?” Scootaloo 022 asked, taking a step back.

“I’m pretty sure that’s a very friendly gelatinous cube,” Scootaloo 021 said. “It totally didn’t eat Fifty-Nine after she sprouted a pair of tentacles from her eyes. And didn’t catch 111AXC and dissolve her body until there were only bones left. You’ll be fine.”

“Rainbow Dash is best pony!” Scootaloo 022 exclaimed. She turned away from the cube, lifted her tail and marked the carpet as her territory. The eyes inside the jelly focused on a puddle for a second before floating away, deeper into the cube. The whole creature shuddered, trying to move away, to barely any effect – as the Scootaloos discovered before, it could only move a few metres a day.

Scootaloo 021 groaned with disappointment. She briefly considered pushing Twenty-Two into the cube, but then she heard somepony clear her throat. She turned back and saw Fifty-Three.

“Having fun?” Scootaloo 053 asked.

“We made an interesting discovery,” Twenty-One said with a sheepish grin. “Piss scares it.”

“Great.” Fifty-Three deadpanned. “We’ll all take a leak here and drown this thing. And you too, if you don’t stop trying to get Twenty-Two killed. Even if you succeed, we cloned her. Remember?”

“It was a mistake,” Scootaloo 021 muttered.

“Your second name is ‘mistake’,” Fifty-Three said. “In five minutes, I want to see you in the palace. We need to discuss a few things.”

Four minutes later, Scootaloo 021 was sitting on her throne. When exploring the palace, they found a room with seven of them, standing around the table. Fifty-Three immediately took the one with Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark on it, so Twenty-Two had to settle on the one with apples.

On Twenty-Two’s left, there was Dee-Dee. She had a broken nose, but survived the attack on Ponyville without other problems. As soon as she saw gems on the throne, she claimed it as hers.

Next to her, the throne with balloons was taken by Silver Spoon 2.0. While Silver never got any clone herself, Scootaloos still dropped her into the pool (from a considerable height), just to get an advisor.

Hundred-and-Fifty took the throne with butterflies, while the two seats on Fifty-Three’s left were occupied by one Apple Bloom clone and the sole remaining Sweetie Belle copy. Initially, there were six of them, but when the battle started, they got too excited with their newly-discovered magic skills and most of them perished in fires.

“Okay,” Fifty-Three muttered. “For starters, I’d like to ask about those pegasi flying above us…”

“We’re working on a solution,” Apple Bloom’s clone replied. “We’ll be done by tomorrow.”

“Good,” Fifty-Three said. “What about the housing?”

“Still not enough.” Silver Spoon’s clone shrugged. “This town is too small for so many ponies. Our food supplies may also run out.” She shot Twenty-One a glare. “Someone even ate the leg of one of the fried Sweetie Belles.”

“Ugh…” Fifty-Three looked at Twenty-One and sighed. “Something else?”

“Some of the clones got a rash and high fever.” Silver Spoon produced a book. “I spent a night reading about diseases and it seems to be horsey hives. We need to do something before it spreads.”

“Like what?” Hundred-and-Fifty asked.

“I sent a few Scootaloos to raid the pharmacy,” Silver’s clone said. “And we have to isolate the sick ones.”

“Iso-what?” Scootaloo 053 asked.

“We’ll put them on the farm until they get better,” Silver replied.

“Alright, let’s do that.” Fifty-Three leaned to Hundred-and-Fifty. “Remind me to replace her with another Silver clone before she gets too smart,” she whispered.

“I’ll think of that.” Scootaloo 150 nodded and looked at the rest of the council. “Anything else?”

“Prisoners keep trying to riot,” Dee-Dee said. “The dungeon of this castle is unsuitable for our needs. Diamond Tiara bites anyone who tries to get into her cell and I’m pretty sure Sweetie Belle and Silver Spoon are plotting something.”

“They’re in separate cells,” Scootaloo 021 muttered.

“Yes, but they’re knocking at the wall suspiciously,” Dee-Dee replied.

“Ah’ll take care of that,” Apple Bloom’s clone said quickly. “Maybe we’ll relocate some of them to another building.”

“As soon as you’re done with those pesky pegasi,” Scootaloo 053 said. “Do you need more Apple Blooms for that?”

“No, fifty is enough.”

“Okay,” Fifty-Three said. “Is that everything? Yes? Meeting ad… Ad...” She furrowed her eyebrows.

“Adjourned,” Silver Spoon’s clone said.

“What I said.” Fifty-Three shot Silver’s clone a glare and stood up. “Let’s go to Rainbow Dash.”

The Scootaloos left the throne room and walked to another room. There were more clones there, surrounding a red fainting couch, stolen from Carousel Boutique. Rainbow Dash reclined on it, eyes half-closed, while one of the clones was feeding her grapes. Another one waved a large rigid fan above her head.

Scootaloo 053 bowed before Rainbow Dash. “Welcome, oh great Rainbow Dash!” she exclaimed. “Will you share any new trivia with us?”

Rainbow Dash opened one eye. “Bring me more cider and I’ll tell you a story of how I stopped the White Walkers,” she said.

Fifty-Three made the best puppy eyes she could muster. “Not even a little trivia?”

“After eating a lot of cheese, I get a really bad gas,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Will you let me sleep?”

“Maybe some advice?” Scootaloo 021 asked.

Rainbow Dash looked at her. “Eat less, or you’ll turn into a Scootaball.”

Twenty-One bowed. “I shall do that, oh great Rainbow Dash!”

“Finally,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Wake me up when you have cider.”

When the Scootaloos went off to bow to Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom’s clone stood up. “Ah’m goin’ to visit the prisoners.”

“What for?” Dee-Dee asked. “You keep visiting them.”

Apple Bloom’s clone rolled her eyes. “If ya hadn’t noticed, there’s fifty of us. It’s not always me. Also, Ah’m tryin’ to figure out if they’re worth clonin’.”

“They are not,” Dee-Dee replied. “Besides the ones we’ve already cloned, most of them are totally worthless.”

“Most of ‘em,” Apple Bloom muttered. “Ah’m gonna find the minority, then.” She walked out of the throne room and trotted downstairs. She noticed a few Scootaloos guarding the chambers, with an occasional Apple Bloom rushing somewhere with a set of tools or some reclaimed wood.

The castle dungeon was filled with cages; most of them were taken out of the barns and inhabited by whoever didn’t manage to run out of Ponyville in time. Apple Bloom’s clone spotted Toola Roola scratching obscene words in crystal walls, much to the displeasure of Coconut Cream, who was sitting in the cage next to her. Behind them, Chip Cutter reached his hoof to Apple Bloom.

“I figured it out,” he said. “If you let me out, I’ll make a giant statue of Rainbow Dash!”

“Interestin’,” Apple Bloom’s clone said. “I guess Fifty-Three will grant ya the right to be cloned.”

“But I want to make it myself!” Chip Cutter exclaimed. “I don’t want to be cloned. You let Babs out so she’d give you different manecuts!”

“Yes, but her clones were… unstable,” Apple Bloom’s clone replied. “Scootaloo 011 wanted a manecut from one and now she’s wearing an eyepatch. Shoulda said somethin’ else than ‘Ah don’t wanna look like the others’...”

Chip Cutter winced. “What did you do to Babs’ clones?”

“Nothin’. They had a tendency to run with scissors.” Apple Bloom walked further into the dungeon, passing by more cages.

“The horror! The horror!”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands you to shut up!”

“I am afraid that your friend Daisy had finally gone completely crazy.”

“Oh, the horror!”

“Zecora.” Apple Bloom’s clone stopped by one of the cages. “Ah guess we’ll need ya soon. Some clones caught horsey hives.”

“I’d rather not be taken to the pool,” Zecora said. “My clones may become a bunch of fools.”

“More zebras?” Lily Valley dropped on the floor of her cage. “Oh, the horror!”

“What?” Apple Bloom furrowed her eyebrows.

“Oh, I have no problem with such a thing,” Zecora deadpanned. “They react like that to everything.”

Apple Bloom nodded. She walked to another cage and looked inside, finding Silver Spoon sitting on the floor and staring blankly at the wall.

“Psst,” Apple Bloom whispered. “It’s me, Apple Bloom.”

“Which clone?” Silver asked, barely raising her head. “I don’t want to be cloned again!”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Ah’m the real one. It was easy to hide among ‘em once they cloned fifty of us.”

“Impossible,” Silver muttered. “This must be a provocation. You are a clone, admit it!” She trembled. “And if you aren’t, prove it.”

“Durin’ the first slumber party we had when we became friends, ya brought a bottle of beer ya stole from yer dad,” Apple Bloom said. “Ya drank two sips, tried to make out with Sweetie, started cryin’, and fell asleep while snorin’ loudly.” She shrugged. “Then ya wet the bed and tried to blame Scootaloo.”

“You could’ve heard that from anyone!”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Should Ah remind ya what exactly ya said about Scootaloo’s–”

“Okay, I believe you,” Silver Spoon said. “But why are you cooperating with those barbarians instead of helping us?”

“Ah’m tryin’ to help y’all,” Apple Bloom replied. “Ah want to destroy ‘em from the inside.”

“Oh no,” Silver Spoon’s eyes widened.

“What?”

“I just remembered how we tried to teach you to play chess,” Silver Spoon replied. “And your tremendous ability to plan ahead.”

“Don’t worry, Ah got this!” Apple Bloom exclaimed and leaned closer to Silver. “First, Ah need to get Sweetie out and replace her clone with her–”

“I knew it.”

Apple Bloom froze. She turned back slowly to see Dee-Dee standing behind her and furrowing her eyebrows.

“You’re not a clone,” Dee-Dee said, smirking. “You’re a real one.”

Silver Spoon looked at Dee-Dee, then at Apple Bloom. Then she looked at Dee-Dee again and noted that the mirror pool was pretty good at copying Diamond Tiara’s physical features. Which meant a fight with Apple Bloom would be a short one. “Did you tell anyone else?” Silver asked.

“Oh, please.” Dee-Dee laughed. “You think I’m stupid. Why’d I tell those morons about you when we can join our forces and replace them with a far superior individual… Someone who deserves to be cloned more than this pathetic poultry...”

“Kill her,” Silver Spoon whispered to Apple Bloom. “Or else we’ll wake up in the world full of Diamond Tiaras…”

“We should give it a try,” Apple Bloom said.

Silver Spoon smacked her forehead with her hoof. “Why are we doing this to me?”

“Because I’m better than you,” Dee-Dee said. “I already know that Twist needs rubber bands for her death ray, that you want to swap Sweetie for her clone, and that Babs wants to stab Fifty-Three with scissors. Not to mention the idea to whack me with a crowbar and replace me with the real Diamond Tiara. How would she even pretend to be me?”

Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. “She looks the same. And Scootaloos aren’t very bright.”

“That wouldn’t work,” Dee-Dee said. “She’d reveal herself, sooner or later. But me? We live in a huge library and those morons think bookshelves are there just for show. I read half of the books in a week. Starswirl the Bearded’s books on magic. Flash Magnus’ war memoirs. Adenoid Hoofler’s diary. All the Daring Do books…”

“I’m still smarter than you,” Silver Spoon spat. “Get in that cage and I’ll show you…”

“Well, it’s you who sits in the cage,” Dee-Dee said. “Worry not, soon we’ll free you and your friends.” She walked to Apple Bloom and wrapped her hoof around her. “And now, excuse me, we need to start Operation Havoc…”

5. Scootatesting

CHAPTER V
SCOOTATESTING

The meeting in Celestia’s war room hadn’t started yet. The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies was getting late, apparently due to an important conference about the new DIY field necromancy kits. Celestia herself had to attend the lunch with some nobles. Spitfire was also missing, still not back from a reconnaissance flight. At least Starlight had joined the ponies at the table, after taking some well-deserved rest in Princess Luna’s Clinic for Mentally Unstable Unicorns.

“At this point, they should be developing religion,” Moondancer said. “They’re completely isolated from the outside world, with royal guards blocking all the roads to Ponyville, right?”

“Remember that they have books,” Twilight replied. “I hope they didn’t burn down my library. Last photos showed a lot of activity around the castle, right?”

“Still, with hardly any outside influence…” Moondancer shrugged. “Maybe they sacrificed the clones to the gelatinous cube.”

“We agreed not to talk about the gelatinous cube,” Starlight muttered. “Also, if they’re anything like the original Scootaloo, their religion involves running ponies over with scooters.”

“Interesting.” Moondancer levitated a notebook. “Do you think they reached the stage of phallic symbols?”

The door to the war room burst, open and Spitfire walked in. Her uniform was torn and ragged, with visible burn marks. Half of her face was covered with bandaids; her wings and legs were bandaged too, with bits of missing fur peeking from under them.

“Do you have the photos?” Moondancer asked. “Did they start a cult?”

“Take off your glasses,” Spitfire muttered.

“Why?”

“Because I need to break someone’s nose and it’d be awkward to beat a mare with glasses,” Spitfire replied. “Also, where’s that moron in the black mask? We need a depopulation bomb to level the whole place.”

“What happened?” Twilight asked. Behind her, Starlight facehoofed.

Spitfire looked at Twilight and raised her eyebrows. “We had a nice dinner and they gave me cupcakes.” She sighed. “Isn’t it obvious that we got attacked by those little motherfuckers?”

“I was just going to mention that you don’t look very well,” Starlight said. “Did they find a way to redirect that curse which somehow happens to still be looming in the ruins of the School of Friendship? Funny thing, no one knows how it got there…”

“Nah, it wasn’t a curse,” Spitfire muttered. “As far as I know, it was conventional warfare.”

The sky above Ponyville was clear. One of the variants of hypothetical attack on the town involved flooding it with rain, but for now, Spitfire and Fleetfoot needed good visibility.

“Lots of Apple Blooms near the city square.” Fleetfoot took a photo. “Also, it seems like this colt is making some kind of statue.”

“He has at least two clones,” Spitfire said, adjusting her binoculars. “Take a photo for the eggheads. When Moondancer hears it might be a start of a new religion, she may need to use one of her phallic symbols herself.”

Fleetfoot shrugged. “I don’t need any fancy science to know they made Crash their god. After all, why didn’t she kick their asses and fly away at the speed of sound?”

Spitfire chuckled. “We can come down there. If she’s their god, we may become a part of the pantheon.” She looked down. “Hmm, what are those Apple Blooms building down there? Looks like a giant firework launcher.”

Fleetfoot froze. “Dear Celestia,” she muttered.

Spitfire grabbed the binoculars. “There’s more.”

“No...” Fleetfoot turned back and flapped her wings.

“Hey, we’ve been over this.” Spitfire grabbed Fleetfoot’s tail. “Fireworks are ultimately harmless. I didn’t spend half of our medical budget for hypnosis so you’d run away at the slightest hint of–”

Suddenly, a firework whistled past them and exploded, sending them both tumbling in random directions.

“NOT THIS AGAIN!” Fleetfoot exclaimed, diving to the ground.

Spitfire sighed, seeing that her wingpony was, for some reason, flying towards the danger rather than away from it. “Aw, shit,” she muttered, following her. “Fleetfoot! Come to me, you idiot!”

More fireworks exploded around her. She spun, covering her ears and trying not to get separated from Fleetfoot. At least, as far as she could tell, the projectiles weren’t filled with any kind of shrapnel, though she could still feel the sparks burning holes in her uniform.

“Fleetfoot! Watch out!” Spitfire exclaimed, darting in front of the fellow Wonderbolt and catching a firework that was about to hit her. “Now I got you, little scumbags…” she muttered, trying to direct the small rocket towards the ground.

Suddenly, Spitfire realised that the firework’s thrust was much stronger than her wings, pushing her higher and away from Fleetfoot. What was worse, several more projectiles were now flying at her, guided by magic from a single Sweetie Belle clone, running between the launchers.

Spitfire looked around and released the firework from her grasp. It started to sputter smoke; the thick paper tube making its body inflated a little.

“Oh, fudge,” Spitfire whispered just before the firework exploded, sending her towards the ground. Before she passed out, she caught a glimpse of Fleetfoot dodging a firework and hitting the roof of some house at a full speed. Then Spitfire herself hit some branch and fell to the ground.

She woke up some time later, with the feeling like a free jazz band deciding that her skull would make a great rehearsal hall. Groaning, Spitfire reached to her backpack. It was half-burned and got somewhat crushed when she landed on it, but its contents were intact.

Spitfire grabbed a small can labelled as “Regeneration Potion”. It was issued by the Department of Wartime Technologies and its colourful label promised improved chocolate flavour, as well as kidney failure and rectal bleeding almost completely eliminated from the list of side effects.

Taking a sip, Spitfire thought that someone in the Department of Wartime Technologies had no idea about the taste of chocolate. At least the pain in her tailbone and wings dulled, allowing her to get up and try to take off.

When she managed to fly above the trees, she noticed that most of Ponyville’s main square was covered in thick smoke. Spitfire didn’t see Fleetfoot; she was afraid to get closer, even though she could see that someone had knocked Sweetie Belle’s clone out, and that most of the Scootaloos were frantically putting out fires caused by stray fireworks. Spitfire made another circle around the town, but the pain in her ribs was telling her it was time to find a field hospital; she didn’t want to risk another shady potion.

Groaning and cursing under her breath, she flapped her wings, heading to Canterlot.

As Spitfire finished her story, the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies joined the meeting. She still had her mask on, but instead of a robe, she wore a dirt-covered tracksuit and levitated a small shovel with silver-covered blade.

“We shortened the handles by an inch,” she said. “Our research showed that it makes it easier to carry, without hitting it against the gravestones.”

“When I die, I want to be thrown into the ocean,” Spitfire muttered. “Do you have something to give all those clones a really bad time?”

The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies levitated a piece of paper from the pocket of her tracksuit. “A weaponised party barge. A cannon on top, a pie launcher in the front, tracks instead of wheels, a genetically-modified bat using echolocation to find the enemy…”

“I’ll take three,” Spitfire said. “Especially since we now have to drag Fleetfoot’s ass out of this hell.”

“Don’t call this ‘hell’,” Moondancer replied. “It’s an interesting situation. It’s not like they’re digging a hole to Tartarus.”

Spitfire sighed. “I’m sorry,” she muttered and threw a punch at Moondancer. It missed the mark by a wide margin; the cast on Spitfire’s hoof limited her movement. A split second later, Spitfire landed on the table, hit by three spells. She rolled on it, crushing the orange flags, and lay motionless, breathing heavily.

“Huh.” The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies emerged from under the table. She poked Spitfire a few times with a shovel. “What did you use?”

“Calming spell,” Twilight replied. “After all, she’s generally right. The clones drove ponies out of their homes and kidnapped two Wonderbolts.”

“I just tried to change her into a polecat, but Twilight’s spell collided with mine and I just gave her a bloody nose,” Moondancer said. “But it looks like something bigger. What did you do to her, Starlight?”

“The Torment of Tantabus.” Starlight smiled sheepishly. “I’ve read it’s a great spell for personal defence and it was the first one I thought of.”

“You trapped her mind in a multi-layered chain of endless nightmares and eldritch horrors,” Moondancer said. “That’s not something you see often.”

The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies looked at Starlight and nodded. “Did I mention that we’re hiring?”

“No!” Twilight exclaimed, charging her horn and aiming at the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies. “Meeting adjourned until we get Spitfire out of her nightmares!”

Just as Spitfire landed on the table in Celestia’s war room, Fleetfoot woke up from her own nightmares, full of fireworks exploding around her. She thrashed, trying to dodge them, and suddenly found herself in some cage. The lights were dim, but she could hear someone next to her.

“Big Mac?” she muttered.

“Why does everypony want to talk to mah brother?” Apple Bloom asked. “Get up. Ya are a Wonderbolt, aren’t ya?”

“I’m a Wonderbolt who is currently half-deaf, half-blind, and half-dead,” Fleetfoot replied, groaning.

“That’s a lot of halves.” Scootaloo looked at Fleetfoot, who screamed, seeing her.

“Don’t worry, it’s the real one,” Sweetie said. “And, for the record, so am I.” She rolled her eyes when Fleetfoot desperately tried to hide in the corner of the cage.

“What are you doing here?” Fleetfoot suddenly noticed that the cage was standing at the bottom of some ditch and that her wings were chained together, preventing her from flying away. “Are they going to bury us alive?”

“No, it’s the clones’ new idea,” Apple Bloom replied. “They heard the story of Cozy Glow, got all them wrong ideas ‘bout it, and now we have to dig a hole to Tartarus…”

“Sounds neat,” Fleetfoot said. “At least when we all get killed by unimaginable monsters, I won’t have to deal with all those motherfucking clones in this–” She paused, realising that she was talking to fillies.

Sweetie tilted her head. “What does ‘motherfucking’ mean?”

“We have to ask Button,” Scootaloo said. “Twist keeps calling him that.”

Fleetfoot looked around. “Speaking of, I still feel it’s digging our own graves with a twist…”

They heard some screaming in the distance, interrupted by the sound of someone getting kicked. A filly with red, curly hair rolled to the bottom of the ditch, skidding to a halt next to the cage.

“Hello, Twist,” Apple Bloom said. “What’s up?”

“You know that one Scootaloo with an eyepatch?” Twist asked. “I managed to put a peppermint stick in her eye socket before the rest threw me here.”

More screaming followed, and soon, Button Mash landed in the ditch. “They got angry,” he muttered. “Our plan for today just got raised to twenty metres.”

“Just great,” Apple Bloom said. “But no worries, Dee-Dee has it covered.”

Fleetfoot didn’t know who Dee-Dee was, and was a bit surprised when more ponies soon joined them, led by the proud Diamond Tiara’s clone. Actual Diamond Tiara was with her, dragging a sled with shovels and other tools. Dee-Dee climbed on the sled and looked at the crowd.

“Welcome,” she said. “I hope you like our new project. Once the Scootaloos go away, we’ll start digging.”

“The horror!” one of the mares in the crowd shouted.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie actually has some experience in physical labour. You should make her the foreman.”

“Shut up!” Dee-Dee exclaimed. “I think most of you aren’t familiar with the details of this operation…” She pulled the fabric, covering the sled, revealing Silver Spoon hidden among the shovels and pickaxes. “Now that all of you are gathered in this ditch, they don’t expect you to try to escape. After all, Apple Blooms are supposed to guard you, despite being no wiser than the original…”

“Hey!” Apple Bloom exclaimed.

“So, once they give us all the tools, we’re set.” Dee-Dee smirked in the most unpleasant way.

Indeed, the fifty Apple Blooms soon joined them with more sleds. Everypony was given a shovel and they started digging. Fleetfoot too, despite the pounding headache, was placed between the three mares, one of which fainted and the other kept muttering “the horror” over and over.

“Fleetfoot,” the pegasus said to the only mare who looked sane. “Does that filly think we can get out of here?”

“Roseluck,” the mare replied. “Well, if we chase them off with pickhandles and shovels…”

“Maybe me.” Fleetfoot shrugged. “When I was in the army, I was trained to kill someone with a shovel in thirty different ways, some of them pretty gruesome. But I’d say we’re at a tactical disadvantage.”

“Tactical what?” Roseluck asked.

“We’re at the bottom of the ditch, next to a pile of earth,” Fleetfoot replied. “If someone hears us dealing with Apple Blooms, they may just drop it on our heads.” She shuddered. “Or bring the fireworks again, making us sitting ducks. Also, how many of you would beat up a filly?”

“Not me,” Roseluck replied and pointed behind her. “Maybe Derpy.”

Fleetfoot turned back and saw a pegasus mare breaking a rock with a pickaxe. There was a unicorn filly next to her, poking the ground with a shovel.

“Of all the timelines I’ve seen, this must be the worst,” the filly muttered to herself. “What are we even doing here instead of sitting in Trottingham with Doc and the rest?”

“We need to find Chirpy and get her out of here,” Derpy replied.

“Just yesterday she wasn’t even my sister.” Dinky sighed. “And now we got caught because of her. When I meet her, I’m gonna stick her broken quill up her–”

“Don’t worry,” Derpy said. “If we’re not back in a week, Vinyl and Octavia will come to rescue us.”

“That’s not good news at all!”

“Derpy? Is that you?” Fleetfoot asked.

The pegasus turned to her. “Fleetfoot? Long time no see! We haven’t talked since my last Cloudsdale Derby, I think.”

“Well, you may not remember, but I visited you at the hospital.” Fleetfoot shuddered and looked at at the filly. “Your daughter?”

“Long story,” Derpy replied. “Dinky, say hello to Fleetfoot. We need to catch up sometime, after it’s over. Like, you are a Wonderbolt and all that–” She was interrupted by one of Apple Bloom’s clones, poking her.

“Less talking, more digging,” the clone said.

Derpy furrowed her eyebrows and grabbed the handle of her pickaxe. Then, in one swift motion, she smacked the clone, sending her flying across the ditch.

“Home run, Mom!” Dinky exclaimed, hitting the nearby clone with a shovel.

Seeing one of their kind bouncing off the ground, the remaining Apple Blooms stood in formation and charged at the other ponies. Fleetfoot looked around, trying to put the others in something resembling a line, but with no success; Roseluck hid behind her while Daisy passed out again.

“Come on!” Twist screamed, leading the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Silver Spoon, and both Diamond Tiaras. “This is for ditching me!” she exclaimed, punching the nearest Apple Bloom. “This is for leaving me and finding new friends!”

“Ah’d rather stay away from her,” the real Apple Bloom muttered.

The screams and other noises attracted the Scootaloos hanging out near the ditch. They rushed to the edge, some of them accidentally knocking other clones down into the pit.

“Go up!” Fleetfoot exclaimed, grabbing a Scootaloo and Apple Bloom with her hooves and knocking their heads together. “Someone untie my wings!”

Dinky hit the magic inhibitor on her horn with a shovel a few times, freeing it. She charged her magic, breaking Fleetfoot’s and Derpy’s bonds.

“Out of this ditch!” Fleetfoot screamed, using her wing to grab another Apple Bloom and toss her at the others like a bowling ball. Suddenly, she felt something heavy hitting her temple. Staggering, she looked up and saw that the Scootaloos started to pelt them with rocks and bits of mud. What was worse, Fleetfoot noticed the Sweetie Belle’s clone standing in front of the pile of earth and charged her horn, trying to levitate it.

“Motherfu–” Fleetfoot got hit with a rock and collapsed, immediately drowning in the charging crowd of Scootaloos.

Author's Note

I'm going on vacation. Someone kick me on Friday so I upload the last chapter.

6. Scootaiteration

CHAPTER VI
SCOOTAITERATION

The weaponised party barge tore through the bushes at Ponyville’s outskirts. The pie launcher was primed and ready; Pinkie Pie opened the hatch, watching the perimeter. “Clear,” she reported, and put on headphones. “Twilight, how’s it looking out there?”

“Something’s happening in the town.” Twilight’s voice sounded clear in the radio. She was flying above the party barge and the detachment of Royal Guards following it. A few pegasi, including the Wonderbolts, were flying with her, ready to give the army aerial support.

“We need to hurry,” Rarity said. She was sitting on the top of the party barge along with the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies. Both were wearing new camo uniforms, although Rarity adorned hers with gems, much to her companion’s dismay. “Those ruffians may be preparing us a warm welcome.”

“I don’t see anything,” said the blue pegasus Royal Guard called Guardian Angel. She was one of the first guardsmares and although she’d spent most of her career chasing filly guides away from the richer districts of Canterlot, she’d recently took part in arresting Cozy Glow, which definitely made her qualified for the job. “Wait…”

“What is this?” Twilight asked.

“A Scootaloo–” Guardian Angel furrowed her eyebrows and took Pinkie’s radio from her. “A Scootaloo is walking towards us with a white flag. Maybe she wants to talk.”

“I can shoot a bit of armour-piercing cheesecake at her,” Pinkie said. “So she knows we’re serious.”

“You can’t,” Rarity replied. “White flag and all that.”

“Not even incendiary muffins?” Pinkie asked. “You’re no fun.”

“Don’t shoot at me!” one of the Scootaloos exclaimed, standing in front of the party barge. Then, in a flash of magic, she turned into Sclerite. “Nicht schießen. Je me rends! Nye stryelay, u menya vodka i ya znayu gde bordel! I am but a lowly changeling hiding among those clones.”

It was common knowledge that once away from the swarm and out of disguise, changelings were vulnerable to attacks. Thus, many of them learned to beg for mercy in at least fifty languages.

“What are you doing here?” Rarity asked.

“Telling you to hurry up,” Sclerite replied. “The slaves started a fight against the Scootaloos, but they’re outnumbered. Pterostigma went to the hospital to tell them about it, so the nurses may join them soon.”

“Alright,” Guardian Angel said. “The crew of the barge, hide inside. Guards, keep formation. We need to bypass their defences.”

“Applejack, full steam ahead!” Pinkie exclaimed. She closed the hatch and the party barge rushed forward, tearing through the grass and shrubbery. The guards followed it; some of them looked at the sky, where the pegasi had already reached the city limits.

Several fireworks flew towards them. Twilight caught one with her magic and threw it back, carefully aiming away from the clones. This, unfortunately, meant that she chipped away a large part of the roof of the School of Friendship, freeing some strange, deformed creatures.

Rarity opened the hatch on the top of the party barge and looked around. The field in front of them was orange – clones were standing there, awaiting the attack. Rarity shuddered, realising that they outnumbered the army of guards.

“Pinkie!” she shouted. “Load the chocolate shrapnel.”

The pie launcher roared. Rarity grabbed her binoculars and saw that some Scootaloos ended up knocked down by the chocolate muffins. One of them managed to catch her muffin with her mouth and then carefully collect the remaining projectiles to eat them.

Twilight’s spell exploded nearby. The party barge drifted sideways, its pie launcher spewing sabot carrot cakes, chocolate shells, explosive cookies, and depleted uranium brownies. Still, Scootaloos rushed to it, climbing on the top deck.

The Head of The Department of Wartime Technologies got out of the barge, facing the clones. She first produced her pistol, but when it failed due to its barrel being blocked with whipped cream, she produced her rapier and swung it around, keeping the Scootaloos at a distance.

“Stand and deliver!” she exclaimed. “Or Tirek may take you!”

Then, one of the flying clones unceremoniously dropped a jar of whiskey on her head, knocking her out.

Starlight poked her head from the rear gunner’s seat and sniffed the puddle. “Hey, that’s whisky from my liquor cabinet!” she shouted at one of the clones, who just stole the Head of The Department of Wartime Technologies’ wallet. “Where did you get it?”

Nopony replied. More clones climbed on the barge, banging their hooves against the armour.

Starlight sighed and charged her horn. “Why am I even asking…”

Apple Bloom looked around and realised that the situation had spiralled out of control. Fleetfoot was unconscious and overwhelmed by a swarm of clones. Apple Bloom herself was surrounded, along with Diamond Tiara, Dee-Dee, Silver Spoon, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Only a few more ponies were still fighting. Apple Bloom could see the clones flying towards the place where Derpy and Dinky were, only to get blasted away with Dinky’s spells.

“I knew it was a bad idea to trust her!” Silver Spoon exclaimed, shooting Dee-Dee a glare.

“We’d win if it weren’t for you all!” Dee-Dee replied and pointed at Twist and Button. “Let’s join them! We need to get out of this ditch!”

“Oh, horseapples…” Apple Bloom muttered, looking up.

Sweetie Belle’s clone was standing in the flash of green light, her eyes closed. Her horn was sending sparks around, as she slowly levitated a pile of earth a few inches above the ground.

Scootaloo turned to the real Sweetie Belle. “Is that even possible?”

“How would I know?” Sweetie shrugged. “I guess she’ll drop it on her head when she tries to move it…”

The clone’s magic flashed and the pile started to slowly move towards the ditch. Lightning shot out of her horn, smaller sparks snapping on her fur.

“Bordel de merde,” Sweetie muttered one of the curses she’d accidentally learned from Rarity.

“She’s gonna bury us all alive!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “I don’t want to be buried alive next to Apple Bloom!”

“How about you get buried next to me?” Silver asked, punching one of the clones that was about to catch Diamond.

“I can get behind that.” Diamond turned back and kicked another clone with her hind legs.

“Someone needs to get me there.” Sweetie looked at her clone.

“Not me,” Scootaloo said. “Unlike my clones, I can’t really fly.”

“If they could learn, you can too,” Sweetie said. “Come on! I’ll help you get off the ground.”

She sat on Scootaloo’s back and levitated her, trying to make her as light as possible. Scootaloo flapped her wings and, to her surprise, she took off, flying above the heads of the surprised clones.

“Come on!” Sweetie exclaimed, focusing on the magic flowing through her horn. She noticed that several clones chased them, including one with black strips in her mane – Scootaloo 150.

“I can’t do this for much longer…” Scootaloo panted, trying to fly above the ditch.

“Of course!” Scootaloo 150 chuckled. “After all, we’re superior!”

Scootaloo furrowed her eyebrows. “I’m gonna rip your tail off and feed it to you!” She flapped her wings harder, charging at the clone.

Suddenly, Scootaloo felt that Sweetie cancelled her magic. As gravity came back to normal she got much heavier and realised that they were about to crash.

“What are you–” Scootaloo paused when Sweetie jumped off her back, grabbing Hundred-and-Fifty’s neck. The clone thrashed when Sweetie climbed on her back, twisting the piercing-adorned ear with her magic.

“Now you’ll fly me to her,” Sweetie muttered.

“What if I don’t?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll give you a push!” Scootaloo somersaulted in mid-air and kicked her clone in the ass, propelling her and Sweetie towards the floating pile of earth. This was, however, the end of Scootaloo’s strength; her wings gave up and she fell into the crowd.

As soon as they were on the surface, Sweetie jumped off Hundred-and-Fifty’s back and zapped her with her magic, just in case. Then, she ran towards her clone, levitating some stick lying on the ground.

The sky darkened. Sweetie realised that the pile of earth was right above her head and that soon her copy would drop it into the ditch. Said copy being right in front of her. Her eyes were now open, glowing with pure energy.

“There can be only one!” Sweetie yelled, throwing the stick at the clone’s horn.

The resulting explosion blinded her for a moment, just before the pile of earth fell right on her head. Instinctively, she conjured a protective bubble, rushing to the surface as mud bounced off of her magic. Flashes and lightning erupted around her, a terrible roar filling her ears.

And then, everything suddenly ended. Sweetie found herself standing on the top of the pile, clear skies above her. She looked around, realising that everyone stopped fighting.

“Uhh…” Sweetie blushed, realising that everyone was looking at her. “I, umm… I have become, like…”

The ground beneath her hooves moved and her clone dug herself out. Her fur was dirty, with missing patches. Smoke was coming out of her ears and she could only take a few staggering steps towards Sweetie before she had to catch a breath.

“Ms. Belle, I don’t feel so good,” she said. Her hooves trembled and she suddenly turned into a cloud of dust, slowly dissipating in the breeze.

Sweetie’s jaw dropped. “Did I do that?”

“I did.” Another pony emerged from the dust. He had a blue hat with bells, a robe, and a long, white beard. “Enough of this nonsense.” He closed his eyes and charged his horn, unleashing a huge, white flame above Ponyville.

Several Scootaloos looked at each other, their eyes widening. Then, they started disappearing, one by one.

“Starswirl? What did you do to them?” Sweetie shuddered.

“Don’t worry, they’ll be fine,” Starswirl replied. “Your friends too.”

Next to them, Scootaloo 150 stood up and looked at her hooves. She furrowed her eyebrows and then, just like that, she was gone.

At the bottom of the ditch, ponies stood up, realising that the attacking clones just evaporated. Diamond Tiara was the first to let out a loud cheer.

“I knew a superior one would win!” she exclaimed.

Silver Spoon looked at her. “You… You’re Dee-Dee, aren’t you?”

Diamond Tiara smirked. “Don’t worry, no one will see the difference,” she whispered.

“Oh no,” Silver muttered. “Apple Bloom? At least you are you, right?”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom replied. “Scootaloo seems fine too. Are ya okay, Scoots?”

Scootaloo sat on the ground and rubbed her temples before looking at her friends, her lips forming a playful smile. “Rainbow Dash is best pony,” she said.

Rainbow Dash furrowed her eyebrows and threw the dice. She smirked, pushing the top hat-shaped piece along the board. “Okay,” she said. “So, I’m buying Hoofington and now I can build hotels.”

“Aww, damn,” Scootaloo 053 muttered. “And that’s just when I ran out of cash.”

“Time to sell Ponyville to me,” Rainbow Dash said. “You can also give me the real town, you know.” She looked at the paper bits in the bank. “Guess we can give you some credit…”

Fifty-Three took a long sigh. “Well, it’s not like it’s a very big town. And I think the prisoners are rebelling again.”

“Bread and circuses, as Twilight would say,” Rainbow Dash said. “Fleetfoot is here, so we could race from time to time. Or you could organise fights in that pit you dug. Winner gets freedom and stuff. Or–” She paused, realised that Fifty-Three disappeared. Literally – she didn’t go to another room, she just vanished into thin air.

“Great,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Just when I found someone I could win against.” She shrugged. “Can someone bring me more cider?” Her words echoed across the empty corridors. “Anyone?”

She walked to another room, but all she found was Rumble, lying on a large bed and staring at the wall. “I had the strangest dream…” he muttered.

Starlight opened her eyes. Her head was throbbing with pain and she could smell the scorched hair; a telltale sign of overexerting her horn to the point she accidentally lit her mane on fire.

“Hello,” said the Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies. She was sitting on a hospital bed next to Starlight’s, her head bandaged. “You’re finally awake. The nurses say it’s the longest time you spent here unconscious. They seem to know you well.”

“I’m a frequent flyer,” Starlight replied. “What did I do this time?”

“We thought you unleashed some curse and sent all the clones off somewhere, but then some hobo appeared out of nowhere and took all the credit.” The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies shrugged. “Still, that was some impressive magic.”

“Thanks,” Starlight muttered.

The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies smiled and reached her hoof to Starlight. “Butter Ball.”

“What?”

“That’s my name,” The Head of the Department of Wartime Technologies blushed. “I’m Butter Ball.”

“Starlight Glimmer.”

"Finally, we're home," Pterostigma said. "Those ponies are quick when it comes to rebuilding houses, right?"

"This house wasn't damaged much anyway," Spring Breeze replied. "But at least they took care of our papers and we're now proud subjects of Princess Celestia."

Sclerite coughed. "I think I got horsey hives."

"How could you even get it?" Pterostigma rolled her eyes. "It's a pony disease."

"I don't–" Sclerite coughed again, this time changing into Scootaloo.

"Oh, not this again!" Spring Breeze yelled, instantly turning into a nirik. Sclerite jumped back, suddenly turning into a big, coughing bowl of casserole.

Spring Breeze froze, raising her eyebrows, and turned back into a kirin. "I just don't get this guy..." she said, shaking her head.

Twilight looked down from her balcony. The ponies were cleaning the streets; Applejack was helping the workers build new houses in place of the burned ones. The ditch to Tartarus had been carefully filled with earth. Several skilled necromancers from the Department of Wartime Technologies were trying to remove the curse from the school of friendship. So far, two of them ended up growing antlers.

In other words, everything in Ponyville was going back to normal.

“So, what exactly did you do to those clones?” Twilight asked Starswirl who stood next to her.

“Horde chess,” Starswirl replied. “I became the queen behind their defences.”

Twilight sighed. “Yes, but what did you do to them? That looked like quite a powerful spell.”

“Oh, it was the same thing as usual,” Starswirl replied, smiling. “Why would I change something that works? Also, I’ve heard of your method from Pinkie. Effective, but time consuming. Once you reach my level–”

Twilight froze. “Starswirl… Did you send them to the human world?”

“Human?” Starswirl raised his eyebrows. “Now that’s a word I haven’t heard in a while. We had one of these back in the old days. Bald. Green skin. Weird face. Said something horribly inappropriate to Princess Luna, so young Sir Sombra shot him and had him stuffed. Quite a fine specimen. Probably still lies in some basement in the Crystal Empire.”

“Well, I mean–” Twilight paused when she heard the buzzing sound and saw flashing lights from her room. “Wait a minute, I have to pick that up.”

Just as she expected, Sunset Shimmer wrote her a message. It was short and mysterious.

Is Starswirl with you? If he is, tell him to look at his ass in the mirror.

Twilight wrote a quick “yes” and went back to Starswirl. “Could you go to this mirror and look at your, umm… tail in it?” she asked.

“Why?” Starswirl furrowed his eyebrows. “Is it some magical experiment?”

“Experiment?” Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, we can call it that.”

“Sure, why not.” Starswirl walked to the mirror and stood in front of it. Then he turned around, examining each strand of hair in his tail.

Twilight watched the portal. Something was definitely going on in it. Magic flashed briefly and the frame started to tremble.

“I don’t get it,” Starswirl muttered. “What is supposed to–” He screamed when a yellow hoof emerged from the portal, kicking him in the family jewels. Clutching to them, he rolled on the floor.

Sunset Shimmer emerged from the portal. She looked at Starswirl and levitated him, slamming him against the wall.

“Sunset!” Twilight exclaimed. “What are you doing?”

“Don’t worry, I got this.” Sunset turned to Starswirl, stopping his attempts to fight back with a flick of her horn. “Listen up, old fart. I would be really grateful if you stopped using my world as your dumping grounds, okay? Magic from Equestria, okay. Artifacts? Fine. Sirens? Now that was a dick move.” She lifted Starswirl a bit higher. “Speaking of, the state of your balls at the end of this conversation depends on how happy I am with it, so listen to me closely.”

“Sure,” Starswirl replied, looking at Twilight. “Who is this wicked wench?”

“Shut up.” Sunset brough Starswirl closer. “Over ten thousand girls, most of them identical, suddenly appearing in the middle of the football pitch during the most important game of the season. Most of them seriously fucked up. A few of them claim they are ‘the real one’, whatever it means. Others didn’t notice yet that they don’t have wings anymore. They can make a pretty good use of their fists, though.”

“It’s not my–”

“Well, whose else?” Sunset exclaimed. “Some of them told us a hare-brained story of evil Twilight Sparkle who’d send them ‘back to the pool’ and who imprisons innocent fillies in Tartarus. They also mentioned an old fart with bells on his hat.” She turned to Twilight. “I’m not sure what you did, but Sci-Twi has a pretty bad existential crisis because she realised some of her counterparts in other dimensions may be evil.”

“Well, I’m sure we can fix this,” Twilight said.

“What do you want to fix?” Sunset asked. “The authorities may be blind to magic, but when ten thousand girls suddenly appear somewhere… Let’s say the school is now full of guys in black suits with no sense of humour and my fake passport looks more and more fake with every passing day. No one knows what to do with that, especially since some of those girls found a lawyer and are asking for asylum, claiming to be persecuted in their home country. The fact that no court ever heard of Equestria doesn’t mean shit.”

“Some of them?” Twilight asked. “What about the rest?”

Sunset casually dropped Starswirl on the floor. “About that…” She walked to the portal, put her hoof in her mouth and whistled.

It couldn’t possibly be heard across the dimensions, but somehow it worked. The portal trembled again and the first clones emerged from it, slipping on the floor or flying around the room. Two of them grabbed Starswirl and flew away with him, dropping him into a pile of fertiliser.

“It’s not about you, Twilight,” Sunset said. She had to shout to be heard over the crescendo of voices. “I’m just kinda done with Starswirl’s shit. Guess you’ll find a solution… A new home or something.”

Twilight’s eye twitched and she smirked in a way that shouldn’t be possible. “Of course…” she muttered right before passing out.

Author's Note

Cue Equestria getting a new town: Scootaville.