With an electric blue flash accompanied by a sound like reality itself had just had a slight tear ripped in it, four ponies and a winged, small, purple dragon appeared amongst idealistic meadows and gentle slopes.
“Hah!” Starlight proclaimed proudly. “Even closer than before!”
Trixie couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Starlight, we’re literally in the exact same spot as the last time you teleported you and me to the changeling hive.”
Starlight scoffed. “As if!” she pointed to a spot directly behind her. “THAT was where we popped up last time!” Starlight cast a glance at Twilight, Fluttershy, and Spike. “Also, I had more passengers this time.”
Spike smiled. “Well, I say it beats the train or even flying all the way here from Ponyville any day!”
“I like to call it the Starlight Express,” mentioned Trixie.
—”No you don’t, you like to complain about my teleporting all the time!”—
Spike thought about Trixie’s words for a moment. “‘Starlight Express’, huh? I like it!”
Trixie smiled. “Well, you can start using it! For a reasonable fee of course.”
Smirking, Spike rolled his eyes. “I don’t like it that much.”
Twilight let out a laugh. “Well, Starlight’s teleportation accuracy is impressive, but not something to be jealous of. Haha, no!” she said, stressing the ‘no’ perhaps a bit too hard and muttering something about Canterlot and Princess Celestia’s private bathroom.
“Really?” Trixie said. “Because I’m basically crazy jealous, like… literally all the time!”
Starlight frowned. “Oh Trixie, I’m not trying to show off, don’t feel bad.”
“Who said I feel bad?” Trixie said. “I mean, I’m better looking and more charismatic than you.”
“… I take it back,” Starlight replied dryly. “I kind of want you to feel bad, now,” she said earning a chuckle from Spike and Fluttershy.
“Don’t worry, Starlight,” Trixie said. “Trixie will pick up teleporting soon here and you won’t even have to worry about how I feel.”
Sighing, Starlight turned towards Twilight for support.
Twilight smirked. “Hey, don’t look at me. You told me to ‘be nice’. I figured ignoring her was a good compromise.”
Starlight groaned. “Okay, you got me there.” She managed a smile. “I just hope Thorax is totally thrilled with our surprise visit to check up on how the changeling hive has progressed since we were last there!”
“Uh, me too…” Spike said, raising an eyebrow.
Starlight chuckled to herself. “Can you believe we haven’t been back since the whole Pharynx fiasco?!”
“Erm… I’ve never even been here,” Fluttershy said.
“Right!” Starlight said. “Can you believe Trixie and I haven’t been back since that whole deal, Twilight is making something of a diplomatic visit, Spike is meeting up with his good friend Pharynx again, and Fluttershy is here for the first time just because it sounds like she’d have a good time with the changelings?!” She asked nopony and yet everypony at once.
“Yes,” Spike answered simply. “We’ve all been really busy so it’s not exactly easy just to get up and visit the changeling hive. Why are you explaining all this stuff to us when we already all know it?”
Starlight cringed slightly. “Sorry! I get expositiony when I’m excited.”
“Speaking of excited,” Trixie exclaimed. “I’m excited about how I’m going to finally be able to teleport!” Trixie closed her eyes and seemingly strained every muscle on her face as a lilac aura flickered around her horn. “Aaaaand- teleport!” Trixie tried harder, earning a few errant sparks. “Aaaand- TELEPORT! GHAH! AAAAAND TELE—”
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—”
With all the noise and grace of a screaming shooting star, a sunshine-colored female changeling suddenly crashed directly into Trixie, knocking the great and cushioning unicorn into a heap on the ground and sending her hat flying.
“HAH!” Twilight yipped.
Every pair of eyes not currently dizzy from surprise impacts turned to stare at Twilight.
“ER, I mean-Oh, no!” Twilight said unconvincingly. “That poor changeling! Erm, and Trixie!”
“Haha, oops! Sorry!” The changeling said as she extended her wings and flew off back towards the hive.
“Trixie does not forgive you!” Trixie shouted at the changeling’s back.
“Okay, but seriously,” Twilight said, “what the heck is going on?!” Twilight asked as she watched a few more errant changelings get thrown one way or another, including a light purple changeling male that was screaming towards the group.
“AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—!”
Literally.
Panic on her face, Trixie closed her eyes, and concentrated hard.
“—EEEEEEEEEE—”
‘Poof!’
“—EEEEEEEEEE…”
The changeling quickly extended his wings as he passed through the space previously occupied by Trixie and quickly flew off with a grumble back to the hive.
Trixie stood there, only a few pony lengths from where she had been before, in stunned silence for a moment then looked down at where she was standing. “I did it! Trixie did it! I teleported!” She announced before she began dancing in place.
“Way to go, Trixie!” Spike cheered.
“Yes, good job!” Fluttershy said with a smile.
“Guys, we have more important things to focus on,” Twilight buzz-killed.
“Disagree!” Trixie exclaimed. “Disagree strongly.”
“… Yeah, I do too, to be honest,” Starlight said. “Good job, Trixie! You should be proud.”
Trixie pointed her snout upwards with a big smile. “Oh, Starlight. That’s my secret. I’m always proud.”
“Okay, now dial it back a tad,” Starlight said.
“NEVER!” Trixie cried.
“Wait! There’s Thorax!” Twilight said. She squinted. “And he’s… He’s slap fighting another changeling!” Pressing her lips into a tight frown, she added, “Looks like we arrived just in time to address a problem with the hive.”
Trixie took a measured look at the group around her. “Does anypony wonder how when a bunch of us get together, something out of the ordinary always seems to happen? No? Just Trixie? Well, okay then.”
"Wait a second... I have an idea!” Spike declared. “Come, on Starlight!” he said, motioning for the unicorn to follow him as he strolled away from the group.
“Oh, uh… Sure!” Starlight replied as she began to follow Spike, the two disappearing into the brush surrounding the hive.
“Oh… okay?” Fluttershy uttered in a somewhat perplexed tone. “We’ll just… Wait here?”
“AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh!”
‘Buzzzzzzzz!’
Fluttershy suddenly found her attention being focused elsewhere as Thorax sent his previous assailant flying. “I guess I’m perfectly okay with that.”
“Well, I’m not!” Trixie stated. “How dare they leave us, specifically me, behind!”
Twilight raised a forehoof to her lips and shushed Trixie, “Let’s just trust them.”
“I do trust Spike!” Fluttershy said as her eyes followed Thorax and a changeling female into a cave where they disappeared together. “At least six out of seven days of the week, I trust him… But…er… Starlight well… uh… erm… I guess she at least tries hard.”
Trixie chuckled. “You can just say she’s a walking disaster Fluttershy. I mean, I’m her best friend and even I know it.”
Twilight flashed Trixie an irritated glance.
Trixie’s eyes went distant for a moment and she huffed out a sigh. “The things I’ve seen…”
Fluttershy looked at Trixie for a moment. “I was going to say ‘a little bit of a trouble maker, at times’ but I like yours way better.”
“You can start using it! It’s fine!”
Fluttershy smiled. “Really?”
Trixie nodded. “Yep!”
“Oh, thank you!”
Twilight gave Trixie a scrutinizing look. “How much is that going to cost her to use?”
Trixie looked at Twilight, completely aghast. “Do you really think I’d stoop so low as to cheat Fluttershy?!”
Twilight’s expression softened. “I’m sorry, Trixie. That was pretty rude of me, if I’m being honest with myself.”
Trixie nodded. “Yes, it was! Now, Rarity I might cheat, and Rainbow Dash I’d cheat in a heartbeat, but Fluttershy?! Not ever!”
Twilight let out an irritated growl. “Just… never mind,” turning her head, she added, “Okay! They’re coming back!” Twilight’s expression immediately curdled.
“With popcorn!” Trixie said in an excited tone as she noted Spike was holding a red-and-white striped bucket of the foodstuff.
“And I can make enough for everyone!” Starlight said with a grin as she took her position next to Trixie and magicked up four more buckets.
Despite the heavenly scent of warm butter over freshly popped kernels, Twilight continued to glower at the events unfolding in her immediate vicinity. Specifically, Thorax has reappeared with the changeling female. Held aloft in his arms like he was going to go for distance when throwing her.
“AAAAAAAiiiiieeeeeeeee!”
‘Buzzzzzzzz!’
Which is exactly what happened.
“I can't believe it!” Spike said.
“You can't conceive it!” Starlight chimed in.
“How'd he achieve it?” Trixie asked.
“It’s the best throw around!” Fluttershy added.
Despite the awe her friends displayed, Twilight couldn’t help but feel something was very wrong here. Perhaps many things wrong, including the fact that Spike had wasted no time climbing onto her back.
“Okay!” he said as he stretched himself out and began to lounge on the alicorn’s back. “Now we’re in business.”
"Spike!"
"What?” Spike protested. He motioned to the popcorn in front of Twilight. “Oh, is it not buttery enough?” He offered up some of his own popcorn. “I had Starlight conjure up more butter on mine.”
Starlight chuckled nervously. “Butter… riiiiiiiight… absolutely regular butter from milk in this dimension... ”Her eyes quickly darting from left to right, she punctuated her sentence with a quick: “Totally.”
"I'm not an easy chair!" Twilight insisted as she shifted uncomfortably under the dragon’s weight.
"Well… No, but you're one of two ponies here with a down-feathered back. And, I'm always a little afraid I might break Fluttershy if I climb up there."
Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Er... That's fair."
The scream of a lilac-colored changeling female caught everyone’s attention for a moment as a forest green changeling with a purple carapace and red wings and antlers raised a foreleg over his eyes as he admired his handiwork. “Ahh… another satisfied female,” he declared loudly.
Starlight winced. “Grrrrrreeeaaaat… It’s Pharynx,” she said with an obvious touch of sarcasm.
Twilight frowned. “Thorax’s grumpy brother? Maybe we should find someone else.”
“Agreed,” Starlight said simply
“Too late!” Trixie exclaimed. “Trixie made eye contact!” she announced as she retrieved her hat from the ground and waved over Pharynx with it.
“Trixie, no!” Starlight cried.
“Trixie, yes!” Trixie shot back. “Sorry, Starlight, the potential to annoy Twilight is too great.”
With a sneer and a landing that was far closer and far more taxing on the ground than it had to be, Pharynx appeared in front of the ponies. “What the heck do you snacks want?!”
Fluttershy let out a timid cry and tried to hide under her own wings.
“Charming,” Spike quipped dryly as he clambered off Twilight’s back.
Twilight huffed out a sigh and fluffed her feathers. “Well, I’m already annoyed.”
“Then Trixie’s mission was successful,” Trixie announced proudly as she placed her hat back on her head and smoothed it out along with her cape.
Pharynx immediately singled out the most affected pony in the group. “You! Why don't you speak?” he demanded of Fluttershy.
“Scared. Can't talk!” Fluttershy informed.
Pharynx grunted in disgust. “So you’re even more of a coward than your average pony ilk.”
“Yes,” Fluttershy eked out.
“Pharynx,” Starlight said in a warning tone. “That’s Fluttershy. If you’re mean to her I’ll vaporize you. No court in Equestria would convict me of any wrongdoing and I’d sleep very well that night.”
Pharynx sneered at Starlight. “You… I hate you slightly less than the rest of the ponies.”
“Uh-oh!” Trixie said with a sly grin. “Sounds like love is in the air.”
“eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIII—”
“GHAH!”
‘Poof!’
“In more ways than one!” Trixie said. “Also, why am I the only pony having to dodge, here?!”
Pharynx smirked. “Looks like Trixie is the quick one.”
“Did you mean my cat-like reflexes or cat-like wit?” Trixie asked.
Fluttershy pursed her lips. “I don’t know if kitties are especially witt—”
“Because I’ll assume you meant both,” Trixie said smugly.
“Wait, love?” Starlight asked. “What does that have to do with—”
“WHY THE HECK DID YOU THROW THAT CHANGELING GIRL?!” Twilight demanded.
“Yes, that,” Starlight said as she pointed towards Twilight with a forehoof
Pharynx shrugged. “When you got it, flaunt it.”
Twilight took a deep, calming breath, then let it out. "Let me try again, WHY ARE ALL THESE CHANGELINGS BEING THROWN ABOUT?!"
"It's mating season, you daft feather duster!” Pharynx snapped.
"How is that an answer?!"
Pharynx raised an eyebrow. “How is it NOT an answer?!” he countered.
“It lacks crucial details!” Twilight exclaimed. “Like what mating has to do with throwing changelings around!”
“It has everything to do with mating!”
“Er…” Fluttershy’s feathers ruffled somewhat as she got up on her haunches. “You can somehow mate just through the act of well… um… throwing?”
“It has about HALF to do with mating!” Pharynx corrected. “The other half is… well… mating.”
“Well, could you please explain the throwing half?!” Twilight asked.
“You can explain the other half, too,” Fluttershy said. “If that’s okay with you, that is.”
“Fluttershy!” Twilight scolded. “Spike is here!”
“Twilight, I share living spaces with Starlight,” Spike countered. “How is knowing how changelings mate going to mess me up worse than that?!”
“Ooooh, burn!” Trixie exclaimed as she smirked at Starlight.
Starlight just shrugged. “I mean… if the horseshoe fits…”
Twilight groaned. “Fine, whatever! Pharynx, Just… help me fill in the blanks!”
Twilight’s friends all snickered and looked at each other.
“Okay,” Trixie said, “We all go on three… one, two three—”
“You came to the right place for that!” Spike crowed.
“Wow, Twilight,” Starlight said, “Maybe shop around first!”
“Er, I didn’t think he was your type, Twilight,” Fluttershy mumbled with a smile around her hair.
“You came to the right place for-DANGIT!” Trixie cried as she glared at a smug Spike.
Twilight scowled at the others as Pharynx let out a disapproving grunt. “I’m sure my filament would catch fire if I stuck it in the Pony Princess of Friendship.”
Snickering bordering on hysterical laughter escaped the mouths of the three ponies and one dragon.
“Hahaha!” Trixie did her best to contain herself. “Okay! Again on three! One, two—!”
“No, no, no!” Twilight exclaimed as she waved her forelegs about. “That’s quite enough of that!”
“Aww, man,” Spike uttered as Starlight and Fluttershy just giggled to themselves.
Trixie put her forehooves up around her mouth. “Boooo! Twilight Sparkle, Boooooo!”
“Just quit for a second! Alright!” Twilight said. “Let me figure out what’s going on so I can work some, possibly literal, friendship magic!”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather us poke fun at all your accidental innuendos?” Trixie asked.
“YES!” Twilight cried.
“Okay, but you’re making quite a few of them,” Trixie pointed out. “I mean, I’m sure we could do something with ‘friendship magic’.”
Twilight leaned past Trixie to look at Starlight. “Is there a way to shut her up?” she asked, pointing at Trixie.
“Hmmmph! More like Princess of Rudeness!” Trixie quipped.
Starlight chuckled. “I wish. If you think this is bad, you should try sleeping with her!” she answered Twilight.
There was a pause as Starlight noted the amount of close attention she was getting just jumped substantially.
“Er… I meant… like… while Trixie and I travelled together, no… Oh, we’re all adults here! Both. Both ways, sure.”
Trixie giggled. “And who wouldn’t want to hear the sound of my angelic voice at all opportunities possible.”
“Your voice is fine,” Starlight said, “I could do with being called ‘daddy’ a little less when you’re in the throes of passion.”
“I think we’ve all heard enough of this,” Twilight said.
“I can stand to hear a bit more!” Fluttershy chimed in.
Spike just shrugged. “I’m good either way.”
“See, Twilight!” Trixie said. “Everypony loves hearing me talk!”
Twilight took a moment to sneer at Trixie before she focused narrowed eyes on Starlight. “Also, Spike’s not an adult.”
Starlight shrugged. “Close enough.”
“Can I go now?!” Pharynx asked. “I’ve got a lot more mating to do!”
A teal changeling streaked across the sky with an “AAAAAHHHHHIEEEEHHHHHHHHAAAA!” and a ‘Buuuuuzzzz!’
“With all the mating season it is, and all!”
“Sorry, Pharynx,” Twilight said. “Please, just bear with me for a sec-STOP SMIRKING TRIXIE, B-E-A-R, NOT B-A-R-E!”
Starlight frowned. “I don’t get it.”
Trixie smiled in Starlight’s direction. “It’s funnier if you wear a hat and a cape all the time.”
Starlight considered that for a long moment before saying: “Oh, right, Sunset explained that one when I got in trouble during my visit. I’m technically on parole in that universe... probably count as a fugitive by now.” She shrugged. “Underwear is itchy.”
“Bored now…” Pharynx said. “Or more like five minutes ago.”
“Right, SORRY!” Twilight said as she refocused her attention on Pharynx. “Please, just… Take it from the top! Mating, throwing… Just! I need an explanation!”
“Well, if you’re sure you’re all done horsing around!”
“Whoa, hey!” Starlight called out. “Not cool!”
“It’s fine, Starlight!” Twilight insisted.
“It’s the opposite of ‘fine’, Twilight,” Starlight counter-insisted.
“Do you want to hear about Changeling mating or not?!” Twilight exclaimed. She frowned to herself. “That came out wrong.”
“Er, no… I think it was just fine,” Fluttershy said. She smiled warmly at Pharynx. “Please, Mr. Pharynx, with your big, strong throwing arms… Tell us how Changelings mate.”
Pharynx smirked at Fluttershy. “Well, since you asked nicely. It all started with our transformations and the new genitals we all got.”
There was a rather pregnant pause accentuated by a slight breeze through the valley.
“Yes, go on,” Fluttershy said.
The ponies and dragon turned to stare at Fluttershy.
Fluttershy sighed. “Must I say it?”
“… Say what, exactly?” Trixie asked.
“Nature is so fascinating,” Fluttershy said in a sour tone with an equally sour expression on her face.
“Fascinating is right!” Pharynx said. “Now instead of our blessed queen—”
Twilight grimaced. “One problem at a time, Twilight… one problem at a time…” she murmured to herself.
“— we are all burdened with glorious purpose,” Pharynx said. “And the purpose is to throw our rivals, mate, then throw those we had just mated with. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick it back up from step one!” he announced before storming off towards another female changeling.
“Well, that happened,” Spike said. “Now can we go back to eating popcorn and watching.”
“No, Spike!” Twilight proclaimed.
A series of protesting groans from all ponies and the one dragon present raised up against Twilight’s proclamation.
“Somepony has to explain that this isn’t right!” Twilight exclaimed. “And by ‘somepony’, I, of course, mean us.”
“Er… Twilight, you know I hate to disagree with you…” Fluttershy began.
Twilight looked at Fluttershy and smiled. “I know! That’s why I can always count on you, you’re so faithful!”
Fluttershy frowned. “It’s not that I don’t think you’re wrong at times, I just hate to disagree with anypony... Anyway, I was going to say we shouldn’t make too many assumptions. This isn’t too far from how some insect species mate… For all we know this is completely natural for the changelings.”
“You’re right Fluttershy! It’s completely unnatural!”
“Um… that’s the literal opposite of what I just said. Maybe we shouldn’t condemn them without knowing all the facts is all…”
Starlight nodded. “But we should find someone who isn’t, you know…”
“The walking definition of ‘pain in the flank’?” Trixie suggested
“I was going to say ‘so abrasive’, but I like yours better.”
Trixie grinned. “If you want it, you can have it! … For two bits!”
Starlight merely replied with a smile and a roll of her eyes.
Trixie smirked. “Oh, you’ll come around…”
“Spike! Starlight! Trixie!” the King of the Changelings called out excitedly.
Twilight smiled. “Oh good, someone who is basically the exact opposite of Pharynx. My plan worked perfectly.”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “You mean the old ‘mill about and wait for something to just happen to us’ routine?”
“… What?” Twilight replied.
“I said ‘Hey, Thorax!’” Spike said with a wave as the changeling approached.
“Hi, Thorax! Surprise! Again!” Starlight said.
“Trixie demands to know why she didn’t get top billing!” Trixie cried.
Thorax grinned widely as he approached the group. “Princess Twilight! And uh…”
Fluttershy smiled. “It’s Flutt—”
“That’s Fluttershy!” Twilight interrupted.
“Er… that’s okay…”
Twilight continued, “You helped rescue her from Chrysalis… but I guess you rescued a lot of ponies.”
“Haha. Right?” Thorax said. “What a day that was! So, uh, how are you all doing?”
Twilight chucked for a moment. “Great! Great!”
Thorax smiled. “That’s… great! Well, as you can see, things are—”
“WHOUAAHAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa—”
“Wha!” Trixie managed a split-second teleport with a ‘Poof’ that moved her right behind Starlight as a teal changeling male zipped right through the space she was occupying before his wings unfurled.
‘Buzzzzzzzz!’
Thorax grinned at Twilight “—buzzing around here.”
“I get it!” Trixie exclaimed. “Also, Trixie has mixed feelings about what’s’ going on!”
Twilight nodded. “I can see that… Now could you kindly explain why all these changelings are being thrown?!”
“Ooooooh, right!” Thorax said. “Hehe, this must be quite the surprise for you, but you know what they say, ‘Out with the old Queen, in with the new reproductive organs!’”
“Hah!” Trixie cried. “Well, I know what saying I’m going to incorporate into casual conversation.”
Twilight groaned, “Putting aside the fact that’s not a saying, could you please break this all down for us?”
“Yes, please,” Fluttershy chimed in.
Thorax nodded. “Well, you see. First one or more changeling males find a changeling girl they’re interested in.”
“Uh… Hey!” a mauve-colored female called out to no one in particular a little ways from the group. “Is there anyone out there who wants to mate with me?”
A cotton-candy colored male rushed up. “I do!”
Another male, this one of a mint color, likewise rushed up. “Me too!”
Thorax continued, “If more than one male shows up to mate with the same female, they have a brief contest of strength.”
“Hey you, let’s fight!” the cotton-candy changeling declared.
“Them’s fightin’ words!” The mint changeling replied. The two immediately reared on their hind legs and engaged each other with a series of slaps from their forelegs as the other averted their face from the breeze of blows.
“The winner of the fight is the one to first pick up and throw the other!” Thorax said.
The mint changeling suddenly bent down and grasped the body of the cotton-candy changeling as blows drizzled down on his carapace.
“No, wait!” The cotton-candy changeling pleaded. “This is not how I thought this-WHAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa-”
‘Buzzzzzzzzz!’
“Then the female and male go off to mate together!”
The mauve female grinned at the victor. “My ‘happens to be here and the best at throwing’ guy!” she declared as the two changelings scampered off.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “It can’t possibly be that simple. There has to be more going on than just that!”
A teal-colored female suddenly went flying out of the caves with an “AAAAAaaaaaaa!” before extending her wings and flying down to safety.
“Oh!” Thorax exclaimed. “Also, the guy throws the girl out when they’re done mating.”
Twilight gasped. “That’s terrible! Those poor changeling women! How could they possibly enjoy that?!”
“Haha!” the teal changeling cried as she flew by. “What. A. Rush!”
Fluttershy motioned in the direction of the scene that had just unfolded in front of the other ponies and dragon. “Uh, Twilight?”
“Just a second, Fluttershy!” Twilight shushed. “I’m having a hypothetical conversation!”
Spike groaned. “Oh, here we go…”
“Thorax, this is wrong!” Twilight proclaimed. “This whole thing is wrong!”
Thorax looked around as two more changelings flew through the sky, screaming before they extended their wings and gained control of their descents. “What?”
“THIS!” Twilight exclaimed as she motioned around to everything going on around the group. “The whole… EVERYTHING that’s happening here?! Why do I even need to point this out?!”
Thorax frowned. “Maybe erm… maybe you can explain what exactly you find wrong and how we can do better?”
Twilight’s face suddenly contorted in a dozen directions at once.
“Er… are you okay there, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.
“I’m having a stroke!” Twilight declared.
“Well… obviously,” Spike said.
“Of GENIUS!” Twilight gave Thorax an excited look. “Thorax! Can we go somewhere private!”
“Er… okay, but do you want me to throw someone first? Also, fair warning, we’ve been at this a few days and my walls and bed are mostly covered in slime.”
“What! NO!” Twilight said. “We need to go somewhere to have a frank discussion about a strategy to undo all of…”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhh…”
‘Buzzzzzzzz!’
“… this!”
“Oh, strategy!” Thorax said. “You’ll want the war room.”
“WHAT?!” Pharynx indignant call cried out as flew up to the group. “You dare let these ponies into our most holy of sanctums?!” he cried, practically choking on the word ‘ponies’.
Thorax frowned. “I thought you considered Queen Chrysalis’s bedchambers the holiest sanctum. I mean that’s where you do all your meditative sobbi—”
“Pharynx will concede the use of the war room if this conversation ends this second!”
“Deal! Follow me, everypony!” Thorax said.
Pharynx turned and extended his wings.
“And also Spike and Pharynx!”
“What?!” Pharynx protested. “Why am I suddenly involved?!”
“Because you’re HERE!” Thorax shouted back as he and the crowd began walking to one of the larger cave entrances.
“Only because the non-winged purple one has a strangely alluring mad glint in her eyes!” Pharynx countered.
“Trixie! Stop nudging me!” Starlight demanded.
Soon, Thorax had navigated the group to a large, open cavern that had clearly once been the home of crude stone maps and charts, but was now heavily decorated with colorful wildflowers that filled the room with their scent.
Twilight looked around her surroundings with a satisfied look on her face. “Well, it’s simple really,” Twilight began. “Rather than just going up and asking to mate with a female, you should take the time to really get to know her and make her want to mate with you.”
A hurt look danced across Thorax face. “You… you don’t think the women I’ve mated wanted to mate with me?”
“That sounds stupid and you sound stupid,” Pharynx said without missing a beat.
Twilight glared at Pharynx. “It's simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing.”
Pharynx sneered and shoved his face right in front of Twilight, causing the pony princess to duck out of the way of his black forehead thorn. “It sounds like a bunch of pony propaganda to me! You’re trying to undermine our ability to save our own species and my right to share my essence with everyone! I have half a mind to cocoon you for what you’ve just said.”
Starlight’s face tightened, and her horn began to glow as a low, warning hum emanated from it.
“Pharynx, you can’t fight in here!” Thorax called out. “This is the War Room!”
Starlight spoke up, “Also I propose a moratorium on the threat of cocooning and the phrase ‘share my essence with everyone’!”
Pharynx turned to Thorax. “This is simply too much!” he declared as he motioned to Twilight. “Now these pony pip-squeaks are meddling with our mating! Do you realize that friendship is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous pony plot we have ever had to face?”
Twilight let out a sound of protest.
Pharynx looked at Twilight, “I have hurt your feelings.”
Twilight nodded.
“Good.”
Thorax sighed, “Pharynx, this is outrageous. I have never heard of such behavior in the war room before. I know you’re hesitant to take on new ideas from the ponies—”
“They’re weak ideas from a weak species!” Pharynx insisted.
Trixie scoffed. “Kicked your ass.”
“I threw you and the flightless purple-one in a bag when we met!” Pharynx exclaimed.
“I meant in a broader sense,” Trixie qualified.
Starlight spoke up, “So, you’re scared of appearing weak and your plan is to pitch a fit to cover up the fact you’re too scared to try out new pony ideas.”
Pharynx turned and shot Starlight with a look of pure hatred.
Starlight met it with a look of pure smug. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
Letting out a series of rage grunts, Pharynx stormed off towards the far wall of the war room and proceeded to glower at everyone else in it.
Seeing her Pharynx problem was taken care of for the moment, Twilight turned to Thorax, “Let’s assume, just for the moment, that you’re a changeling desperate to incorporate the tenants of friendship into everything you do.”
“Assume away!” Thorax replied.
“Uh, right… Well! You should cautiously and gently approach each female and then strike up a dialogue with her.”
Thorax nodded. “And then I ask her to mate with me?”
Twilight winced. “Third date…” She rubbed at her chin with the back of her forehoof for a moment. “I mean, most books on this subject seem to agree that’s the societal norm…”
“Oh!” Thorax took a moment to lean his head closer to Spike. “What particular date is she talking about?”
Spike raised his claws in front of him defensively. “I’m staying out of this one, man.”
Twilight gave Thorax a reassuring smile. “I’ll be happy to guide you through it, step by step!”
“Have quick, yet oddly fulfilling mating sessions or take the time to engage in unexpected and unrequested discourse! Oh, my unholy Queen, What a dilemma! I’ll have to think about it…” Thorax said.
Twilight frowned. “Well, if you’re not su—”
“I’ll do it!” Thorax announced.
Pharynx sighed heavily. “Really?”
Thorax motioned to Twilight, “She’s the Princess of Friendship.”
“Yes, I am!” Twilight said proudly.
Thorax continued, “The urge to merge can rob us of our senses, and if anyone understands the deeper intricacies of mating, it’s got to be someone who knows a lot about friendship.”
Spike’s eyes widened as his face crumpled in awed fear. “It’s like watching a zeppelin burn up in super slow motion.”
“Okay, first,” Twilight began, “You can’t just literally toss your rivals away and just claim a female like a prize! You’ve got to slow down! Take your time.”
“What, like roleplay?” Pharynx suggested with a smirk.
“Uh, erm…” Twilight thought for a moment
Thorax looked at Twilight and chuckled. “We’re changelings, so yes. We engage in the odd roleplay sometime.”
Pharynx chuckled. “I’m partial to the Debutante and the Bricklayer.”
Thorax smirked. “I favor the Ordained One and Contortionist, myself.”
“Hah! That’s nothing compared to the Virgin Milkmaid and Well-Hung Stableboy.”
Fluttershy’s wings suddenly unfurled like a switch had been flicked on her body.
“Stableboy?” Spike said, his eyes raising slightly.
“I have many questions,” Starlight said, her face tightening.
“Oh, Me too~” Trixie purred.
“Me three…” Fluttershy desperately squeaked out with wide, interested eyes.
“No, no!” Twilight said. “Look, what you do once you’ve properly courted a mare is totally between you two in the privacy of your own bed chambers”—
“Or an affordable and convenient inn room,” Trixie interjected.
“Or a conveniently placed utility closet,” Spike said, smirking at Twilight knowingly.
“You can’t prove that!” Twilight snapped, her feathers ruffling with the rest of her.
Spike's smirk grew three sizes and became far, far toothier "No, but Sunset can."
“Only if she took pictures of me and Flash for Blackmail…” realization set on Twilight’s face like quick-dry cement. “Oh-OH! That conniving…” Sighing, she looked at Spike. “What happens in Canterlot High, stays in Canterlot!”
Spike thought for a moment. “Didn’t the girls over there have some sort of forest adventure?”
“Wait, I’m confused,” Thorax interjected. “Are you saying we need more closets and forests for mating?”
“Uh, let’s just put a pin in that for now.” Twilight said. “Look, until I’m sure you’re doing courting properly, I absolutely have a valid say in how you should conduct yourself.”
A series of grimaces were exchanged between Twilight’s friends as if they where watching a foal play with matches next to a lantern oil shed as Trixie leaned over to Starlight and whispered, “Do you think you can magic up some more of that popcorn?”
Thorax grinned and nodded at Twilight. “I trust that you do because I pretty much have no actual frame of reference for mating past the last few days!”
With a resigned sigh, Starlight’s horn glowed electric blue and more popcorn appeared in front of Trixie who began to eat it gleefully.
“Great!” Twilight said as she ushered Thorax to follow her out of the war room. “Just follow my advice and I’m positive everything will work out better for everyone!”
Groaning to himself, Pharynx followed. Spike and Starlight, showing no more enthusiasm than the changeling warrior, likewise made their way out of the room. They were soon followed by Fluttershy whose wings where still in their full upright and unlocked position, and Trixie who floated kernels into her mouth a look of excited anticipation.
“Okay! I’ve found an unattended female who looks like she’s waiting around to be noticed!” Twilight said as she motioned to a rose-colored changeling with black eyes. Twilight, her ‘student’ and everyone else had found a collection of bushes large enough to hide behind. “Go up to her!” Twilight enthusiastically said to Thorax. “And remember everything I’ve taught you!”
“Well that shouldn’t be hard,” Thorax said as he trotted out from behind the bush. “It’s been a few minutes and you’ve barely taught me anything.”
"That's how she works." Starlight deadpanned.
"To be fair, Celestia teaches by hoofing over a fork, pointing at an electrical socket, and crooning motherly to 'go learn a life lesson,' " Spike mumbled around his popcorn.
“Oh, right!” Twilight said. “Well, get out there and I’ll help from here! Good thing I’m so good at improvising.”
Spike wordlessly pinched the bridge of his snout.
“Erm, that’s like the opposite of a true thing,” Fluttershy said.
Trixie turned to Starlight. “Have I mentioned we should hang out with Fluttershy more? Because we should hang out with Fluttershy more.”
“Remember!” Twilight said with a massive smile as Thorax made his way to the rose changeling. “Smile and the world smiles with you!”
Trixie chuckled. “That pony should be in a straitjacket.”
“Oh! And ‘break a leg’!” Twilight added.
Thorax looked back at Twilight with a hurt expression. “Why would you say that?!”
Twilight sighed. “It means ‘good luck’!”
“Oh, uh… confusing idiom…”
“Especially for a pony!” Pharynx declared. “You break just one leg, and suddenly they act like they’re going to die.”
“I know, right?!” Thorax replied.
Starlight took a deep breath and let it out. “He’s doomed…”
“Uh, hey, baby!” Thorax called out as he approached the changeling female
“Oh!” The changeling immediately turned at the sound of the catcall and smiled. “Hello!”
“NO! No ‘baby’!” Twilight shouted.
The changeling’s forehead immediately tightened, and she leaned over to glance at the Twilight and the small group that was ‘hiding’ behind a few errant bushes.
“Uh, hello… my little… sex kitten?”
The changeling tilted her head slightly. “Haven’t heard that one before.”
“Oh, sorry. Hey… baby?”
“WHAT?! NO, BABY!” Twilight cried. “AGAIN, WITH THAT BABY! THERE MUST BE NO MORE BABIES!”
Pharynx grunted in displeasure, “There aren’t going to be any at this rate…”
The changeling glanced in the direction of Twilight, “I mean, I didn’t say I wasn’t into it. It’s fine if ‘baby’ is off the table.”
“Twilight, it’s going well!” Thorax called out.
“Just do it like we practiced for that one minute!” Twilight shouted out.
“Oh, alright,” Thorax turned back to the doe. “Hello, I would like to treat you to a costly pasta meal.”
The changeling’s entire face scrunched up. “No, sorry… this isn’t working for me. Can we go back to the ‘sex kitten’ thing?”
“NO!” Twilight insisted.
The changeling craned her head past Thorax. “Are you sure? I’m okay if you all watch!”
Twilight let out an annoyed groan.
“Answer the question, Twilight!” Trixie exclaimed.
“... Seconded …” Fluttershy murmured.
Thorax took a deep breath. “Instead of just jumping straight towards the mating, I thought we could maybe… spend some time together? Take some walk and maybe talk about our feelings?” Thorax gave the doe a smile. “What do you say?”
“Uh, okay, Wow. Look, King Thorax, You’re really nice and all, just all the time, but… I kind of feel all this niceness right now is giving off mixed signals. So, maybe we can mate later when you’ve gotten some of these feelings out of your system?” The changeling female said with an awkward smile.
Thorax winced. “If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart, bullseye!”
The changeling paused. “Wait, are you trying to get me to be the dom here? ‘Cause I think I can work with that.”
Twilight’s face tightened. “Okay, I’m going in.”
“That sounds like the opposite of a good idea, but erm, okay,” Fluttershy said as he watched Twilight saunter up to Thorax and the doe.
“Uh, excuse me, Miss…?” Twilight began.
“Oh! It’s Zeitgeist,” the changeling answered.
Twilight frowned slightly. “Well, that sounds like a bit of a mouthful.”
Zeitgeist’s eyes widened. “Are you coming on to me?”
“Oh, that is so unfair!” Thorax moaned.
Zeitgeist continued, “I mean… I’m not sure I swing that way, but if you throw a guy or girl for me, I don’t mind seeing how this plays out.”
“Double unfair!” Thorax cried.
Twilight sighed, “I’m not hitting on you!”
“Aww, dis!” Zeitgeist said. “Look, I’d say I appreciate the effort, except I’m not even sure what’s going on at this point, so if no one is going to throw anyone else—”
A pastel orange colored changeling male suddenly flittered up. “I’ll throw someone! I’ll even throw Prince Thorax!”
Thorax narrowed his eyes. “Excuse me, but the lady and I were having a conversation!”
“Were we, though?” Zeitgeist asked.
“Well…” The orange changeling picked up Thorax, or more accurately, managed to position himself under the King and push him up with his back. “Now you’re not!” he said has he pushed upwards with all four legs.
“Hey! What are y-AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaah!” Thorax quickly found himself many yards away, but more importantly, airborne.
‘Thud!’
But not for very long.
“See!” Zeitgeist said as she walked up and linked forelegs with the new arrival. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
“Ah! Thorax! Hold up!” Twilight shouted as she chased after the changeling prince.
Pharynx let out a disgusted scoff as he and the rest of the group followed Twilight. “Well, that was just disappointing,” Pharynx said, “he was barely thrown off the ground!”
“Being nice didn’t work at all!” Thorax cried as he got back up to his feet. “Also, I’m going to go throw that guy!”
“Thorax! That’s not the friendship way!” Twilight insisted as the rest of the group caught up.
“You have to forgive your enemy. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
“Disagree!” Pharynx exclaimed. “Strength is the attribute of the strong!”
“It’s another idiom! It’s not meant to be taken literally!” Twilight burst out.
Pharynx narrowed his eyes. “Then what good is it?”
“Also, how does that solve my problem of wanting to throw that guy?” Thorax asked
“Hatred is a poison you eat and hope the other person dies,” proclaimed Twilight.
“Where are you getting all these?” Spike asked.
“I read a quotes book recently, okay?! Let’s just move on and try again with Pharynx this time.”
“Die screaming!”
“Erm… Thorax! Again! But this time try being even more docile and submissive. Oh, and remember to ask for permission.”
“To mate?”
Twilight nodded. “To mate, touch, anything!”
“‘Anything’, anything?” Spike asked.
“Yes, anything! EVERYTHING!” Twilight exclaimed. She turned towards Thorax. “It should be your avowed policy to never to strike first with conversation!”
Spike groaned and turned to the other ponies present. “Does anypony have a way to get through to Twilight, here?”
Fluttershy gave Spike a small frown and shook her head.
“Why are you even asking us?” Starlight asked.
Spike sighed. “No, you’re right… If I’M at a loss dealing with Twilight, then it looks like everyone pretty much loses.”
Trixie snickered. “Especially Twilight.”
“Well, I thought that went without saying,” Spike added.
“There!” Twilight singled out a doe of red with highlights of pastel yellow, orange, and blue with soft pink eyes. “Go try and see if you can get to know her by her initiating conversation with you!”
Thorax looked at the changeling, “That’s Djali Zwan.” He informed. “She likes eclectic music, especially acoustic covers.”
“Okay! Neat!” Twilight said. “You have something to talk about if she decides to talk to you first about it! So… go up and talk to her, but don’t initiate conversation first, because she might not want to talk to anyone! Just… just hang around her and hope she notices you!”
“And you’re sure this will work?” Thorax asked one last time.
“Waiting around to be noticed doesn’t require that anything work, Thorax!” Twilight countered. “It requires only the will to do so.”
“Oh, uh okay…” Thorax wasted no time walking over to Zwan as soon has got within a couple pony lengths of her, he stopped, sat on his haunches, and silently looked at her.
“Alright!” Twilight called out. “Back to the bushes, everypony!”
“Te-he,” Fluttershy uttered as the ponies filed back to their ‘hiding spot’, “I don’t think Starlight and Trixie ever left.”
“Why Twilight, Starlight and I never—dangit!” Trixie exclaimed. “Even Fluttershy is getting in on this!”
Fluttershy smiled darkly to herself. “Yes, even Fluttershy.”
“Uhhh… hello?” Zwan said as she took notice of large changeling buck sitting close and in uncomfortable silence near her.
“Hello!” Thorax replied.
Zwan pursed her lips as she waited for Thorax to follow up with… pretty much anything.
Thorax glanced behind him. “What do I do now?!” He asked Twilight.
“Ask her how she’s doing!” Twilight replied in a whisper that was much closer to a shout.
“But she hasn’t given me permission to ask her how she’s doing!” Thorax exclaimed.
“Oh, good point!” Twilight replied.
There was the audible smack of an open claw being propelled into a waiting forehead.
“Uhh… I’m fine!” Zwan said. “How are you?”
“Oh, uh, fine!” Thorax replied.
Zwan nodded. “Okay, well… we’re all fine then.”
Thorax’s smile turned slightly nervous. “Yes, it’s erm… good, we’re all fine.”
Zwan nodded again. “Yes, good. It’s good that you’re fine and I’m fine.”
Thorax managed to widen his smile. “I agree with you. It’s great to be fine.”
Zwan inhaled through her nose then exhaled. “So… what are you doing, exactly?”
“Oh… uh… Just sitting here quietly! Hoping you notice me.”
“Uh, I noticed you staring at me,” Zwan said. “Did-did you have something you wanted to say to me?”
“I mean, yes? If, if that’s okay with you, that is.”
Zwan frowned. “Are… are you asking my permission to talk to me even though we’re already talking?”
“Uh, er, maybe?” Thorax said, his response more a question than anything. “Do… do I have your consent to talk to you?”
“We’re already talking!”
“Oh… Right!” Thorax exclaimed. “Shoot, I messed up… Let me start all—”
“SNEAK ATTACK!” Pharynx screamed as he charged forward.
“Wait, wha-AH!” Thorax counter screamed as his brother positioned his head under him and propelled him far away from the conversation.
Pharynx turned and stared at Zwan. “Would you like to mate with we?” he asked.
The Zwan blinked away her confusion. “Okay!” she said with a smile.
“WHAT?! NO!” Twilight called out. “Pharynx! That’s ALL WRONG!”
“But it feels so right!” Pharynx shouted back.
“Would you shut it for a second and listen to me?!” Twilight cried.
“You shut up!” Pharynx called back. “I’m going to mate here! You’re just the audience. I outrank you!”
“Outrank me?!” Twilight cried indignantly. “But I’m a prince- ack! They’re already mating!” Twilight exclaimed as she covered her eyes with a wing. “Spike! Cover your eyes.”
“No,” Spike answered simply.
“Somepony, cover Spike’s eyes!”
“No, thank you!” Starlight called out.
“Trixie declines!”
“I think it’s educational,” Fluttershy said.
“Ghah! Well, somepony lead me to the war room, at least.”
“I’m on it!” Trixie called out excitedly. Roughly three seconds later, Twilight found herself being lead directly into a thorny bush.
“Ow! OW! Fluttershy, lead me to the war room!”
Trixie sighed heavily as she released Twilight. “Trixie overplayed her hoof.”
“Of course, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. “After I’m done watching this.”
“GHUA!”
An uncomfortable silence had descended over the war room as Twilight examined her feathers and winced as she pulled out thorny bur after thorny bur. Similarly, Spike scoured the body of the princess and pulled off the odd foreign plant life that painfully clung to Twilight’s coat.
“Okay, that’s the last one,” Spike said as he tossed a purple hair-covered bur into a pile of burs in a similar state.
“Are you sure?” Twilight asked. “I still feel sore.”
Starlight snorted. “Trixie has that effect on ponies.”
Trixie just giggled proudly to herself. “Yeah…”
“Twilight,” Spike began, “I hate to be the buzzkill to your attempt at being a buzzkill, but based on the findings of the last two attempts, my conclusion is that this idea is not a practical quick-mating deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all too obvious.”
“Quiet, Spike!” Twilight hushed. “I appreciate your input, but this isn’t the time for snap-judgments based on casual observation!”
Spike groaned and motioned to Twilight as he looked at the other pones.
“There, there,” Fluttershy said as she gave Spike a comforting pat on the shoulder. “You tried, and that’s what’s important.”
“I say ‘just enjoy the show,’” Trixie said.
Starlight smiled. “And I’m being a supportive friend, but in a non-involved sort of way!”
Taking a breath, Spike made one last effort to appeal to Twilights better, but apparently on vacation, reason, “Maybe we should break on this one a little, you know… sleep on it?”
Twilight laughs, “Friendship never sleeps, Spike,” she turned to a Thorax who was sitting on his haunches at attention and Pharynx who was far more fidgety.
“Let’s review what went wrong,” Twilight began.
Thorax raised a foreleg. “I should have got consent to speak before I even opened my mouth.”
“Good!” Twilight responded.
Spike opened his mouth as if to speak and raised his claw. He worked his mouth a few times but exasperated befuddlement came over him before he could make a sound. He opted to rest his chin on is open claw and look on in defeat in lieu of speaking.
“Right, does anyone else want to speak up about what they might have done wrong?” Twilight stared directly at Pharynx who simply glared back. “Aaaaaaanyone else…”
“… No…” Pharynx answered.
Frowning, Twilight continued, “Just going to come right out and say it then, Pharynx, you sabotaged your own brother!”
Pharynx shrugged. “When I saw things weren’t going well, I figured I better step in and save him from embarrassment.”
“By throwing him?!” Twilight exclaimed in disbelief. “You made a fool of your brother!”
“I mean, he didn’t need any help there…” Trixie quipped.
“No, no,” Thorax hushed gently. “I can see it. Being blindsided and thrown is far less embarrassing than carrying on an awkward conversation with a girl.”
“Ghuh… Well, Pharynx, then you proceeded to mate with and throw that changeling!”
“Well, I can’t not throw her after I mate with her!” Pharynx countered. “That would be ludicrous.”
“Throwing someone after you’ve mated with them is ludicrous!” Twilight insisted
Thorax frowned. “Wait, you want us to gently go up to a prospective mate, get them to agree to mate with us… then not throw them after we mate with them?!”
“YES!” Twilight cried. “Why is that hard to understand?!”
“Why would we not throw the girls after we’ve mated with them?!” Thorax asked. “ It makes no sense!”
“Look, this isn’t just about throwing!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s about respect! It’s about boundaries!”
Thorax and Pharynx exchanged confused glances.
“I respect the women enough to throw them after we’ve mated,” Thorax said.
“Wait, she said ‘boundaries’,” Pharynx said, “maybe she means we’re throwing the girls too far.”
“Oh! Like in a pony ball game, or something!”
Twilight did a full body grimace. “Let’s put throwing after mating aside for now…” Twilight took a long, hard look at Thorax and tilted her head. “Maybe the problem is you still don’t look approachable enough?”
Starlight gave Twilight a look mired in perplexity and motioned to Thorax. “Thorax looks like if the concept of ‘kindness’ decided it needed an avatar that was a large elk-bug!”
“Oh my, yes,” Fluttershy agreed.
“How is he not approachable?!” Starlight asked.
Twilight pursed her lips in concentration for a moment. “Maybe if he had a stylish hat?”
Trixie grasped. “And then he’d have something to tip and say m’lady’ when he greets women!”
Twilight turned and levelled a forehoof at Trixie. “Yes! It’s brilliant!”
“NO! IT’S NOT!” Starlight cried. “Trixie! Stop ‘helping’!” she added in an irritated tone.
Trixie frowned. “Can I at least go back to giggling to myself and insulting Twilight quietly?”
Starlight nodded. “That is acceptable.”
Trixie chuckled to herself. “What a schmuck.”
Twilight frowned. “So, is that a ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ on the hat?”
A resounding ‘nay’ came up from those present.
Twilight pursed her lips. “You know, that response was a little confusing. Maybe we should try ‘yes’ and ‘no’s?”
“Maybe we need a love expert?” Spike suggested.
Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “Spike, for the last time, ‘Love Doctor’ is not an accredited title!”
“No, I mean Princess Cadance,” Spike said. “We’re not that far from the Empire. Maybe she can help sort out this mess.”
Twilight gasped. “Good thinking! She could definitely get everyone to see how right I am!”
Spike nodded solemnly. “That is one way to interpret the thing I said, sure.”
With a magenta flash, Twilight materialized a scroll and quickly penned a letter. “Alright, Spike, here!” Twilight furled up the scroll and floated it in front of Spike. “Send this to Cadance.”
Spike looked at the scroll in confusion. “Twilight, I only know how to send things to Celestia.”
“Just, I don’t know, try realigning your dragon fire antenna! Think lovely thoughts!”
Spike huffed out a sigh. “This sounds very unscientific.”
Twilight gave Spike a wounded look. “Uh, okay… I guess I am getting a little excited.”
“A little?!” Spike exclaimed.
“Okay! A lot excited!” Twilight admitted then smiled and clopped a quick hoof on the ground. “Think of it as an experiment where you’re testing the hypothesis of if you can send messages to other princesses.”
Spike shrugged. “Okay, but if I don’t get ahold of Cadance, do you know what’s going to happen to you?”
“What?” Twilight asked, her face tightening.
“You’re going to have to write an embarrassing explanation letter to Celestia!”
Twilight smirked. “Threaten me with a good time,” she muttered.
Spike blew a quick gust of green flame that completely consumed the scroll and whisked it away in a puff of smoke flowing on the wind. In what seemed like no time at all, a small red heart suddenly appeared, grew to a size just a bit bigger than that of a fully-grown pony, spun around, rapidly, then exploded into a shower of smaller hearts of reds and pinks as Cadance appeared, one of her forelegs lifted and her snout and mane flung straight up.
After everyone simply stared at Cadance in stunned silence, the Princess of Love lowered both forehoof and chin. “Hello, everypony! I got your letter!”
“Cadence!” Twilight exclaimed happily. “Oh, I’m so happy to see you! We can really use your help.”
“Oh, really?” Cadance replied. “I have to admit I didn’t get any further than ‘changeling mating season’ before I teleported here!”
Starlight looked at Cadance in amazement. “How did you teleport here?! I know you’re a princess, but you’re not exactly known for being the greatest at magic.”
Cadance turned to Starlight, “Love finds a way—” Cadence trailed off for a moment and squinted “—you!”
Starlight narrowed her eyes. “It’s Starlight. Starlight Glimmer? I only helped save your empire… er… at least I knew a guy who was pretty instrumental in saving your empire.”
“Oh, right, right! Your Sunburst’s friend from The Flurry Heart incident… Yeah, I had been awake for several days straight and in a near panic from almost dying with my family and entire, you know, Empire, so sorry if details are a bit fuzzy,” Cadance chirped with an earnest tone and a happy smile.
Trixie’s forehead scrunched up in confusion. “Wait, how can a Princess not be good at magic?”
Cadance chuckled. “Oh, I actually happened to be a pegasus before my ascension, so I’m not as practiced as most princesses.”
“Oh!” Trixie replied. “Well, you’re a credit to your race.”
Starlight let out an incredulous gasp.
“Hey!” Cadance began in a protesting tone. “Unicorns aren’t the only ones who—” Her eyes widened as if she was truly seeing the pony in front of her for the first time. “The Great and Powerful Trixie?! Oh, I love your shows! Can I have your autograph?!”
Starlight shot Trixie a miffed look as the show mare just gave Cadance a dazzling smile. “Of course! Always happy to make a fan’s day!”
“Day made for sure!” Cadance cheered before she turned towards Twilight. “Twilight, I need some paper. I know you have some…”
Twilight let out a groaning sigh as a scroll, quill, and inkwell appeared in a puff of magenta smoke. “She tried to take over Ponyville, you know?”
Candace just shrugged as Trixie gleefully took the writing material and proceeded to fill the entire scroll with her signature. “Sunset Shimmer tried to take over Equestria,” Cadance answered simply, “and you’re buddies with her!”
Starlight chimed in, “I stole Twilight’s cutie mark once, imprisoned her, then later tried to ruin her very existence! Her literal existence from the timeline! She invited me to live with her.”
Trixie frowned at Twilight as she passed the scroll to an ecstatic Cadance. “Would you maybe like Trixie more if she tried to take over the world and made a few attempts on your life? I can certainly do that if you want.”
Having scrunched her face up to the point it had almost folded in on itself, Twilight answered with a quick, “No, thank you.” She turned her attention back to the pretty pink princess. “Cadence, it’s awful! The Changeling men are just walking up to changeling women and mating with them! I, personally, think it’s horrible and worse yet, no one is listening to me! We’ve got to get everyone listening to me about how these does aren’t being listened to!”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “So, what about the Changeling men who aren’t good at picking up other dudes and throwing them?”
“Uh? What about them?” Twilight replied, clearly confused by the question.
Spike sighed, “Never mind… I got this…” He turned to Trixie, “I need your hat!”
“… And Starlight?”
“Huh? No. Just your hat.”
“Hmm… I don’t get it, but alright, as long as I get it back,” Trixie said as she tilted her head and pulled off her hat before she gave it to Spike who giddily placed it on his own head.
Starlight flashed Spike a quick ‘you get ‘em, tiger’ smile as Cadance continued her discussion with Twilight, “So, have you talked to any of the women changelings yet? I mean, it’s entirely possible some unintended inequity is going on here, but maybe the female changelings just need a little support so they can openly express how they really feel.”
Twilight thought for a moment. “Do you really think that will work?”
Cadance smirked. “You’ve seen the average changeling male or even average changeling, right? They’re kind of all about openly discussing their feelings and talking things out. It’s entirely possible the females have been ignored here, so I don’t see how it would hurt to get everyone on the same page.”
“That does sound like a good idea,” Starlight chirped.
“And to think you used to be a Pegasus before you got that horn!” Trixie added.
Cadence’s smile suddenly widened and took on an unnatural quality as she stared at Trixie with so much intent one might think the magician’s next trick would be to catch fire spontaneously and disappear in a cloud of ash. Yet, just as magically it disappeared as her eyes took on a more star struck appearance. “Well, not all of us pegasi have our heads in the clouds, if you catch my meaning. Hehe.”
Starlight flashed Cadance an unamused look. “Really?”
“Come on, Twilight!” Cadance said. “Let’s go find a girl who isn’t actively mating or being thrown to talk to.”
“You know,” Thorax began, “maybe I should go back to being a bit more assertive?”
Twilight frowned. “I think even Fluttershy will tell you that’s a bad idea.”
“Erm, actually, it’s a great idea.”
“See!” Twilight said as she motioned toward Fluttershy. She turned back to Cadance. “Now come follow us so I can tell you everything that’s wrong with you and how to fix it!”
Trixie chuckled to herself. “More like, how not to fix it…”
Thorax sighed. “Yes, ma’am,” he said as he hung his head and trudged after Twilight.
Starlight gave Trixie a small glare before bopping her on the back of a head with a forehoof.
“Ow!” Trixie exclaimed.
“Trixie, that was mean! And racist even!”
Trixie snickered. “Yeah, I know.”
“Well, you also hurt Fluttershy’s feelings! TWICE!” Starlight said as she motioned in the direction of a clearly saddened Fluttershy.
Trixie winced and turned to Fluttershy. “Sorry, Fluttershy. I forgot you were there.”
“It’s okay…” Fluttershy said in a deflated tone. “That happens to me a lot.”
Pharynx snickered. “Well, I approve of anything said or done that hurts anyone in this general vicinity!”
Starlight shot Pharynx a quick glare, then her horn blazed electric blue as she shot a respectably sized rock between the legs that hit with an audible ‘Crunch!’
Pharynx took immediate action. Said action was gasping in pain and collapsing to the ground.
“You were saying, you walking definition of ‘pain in the flank’?” Starlight asked in a tone dripping with venom.
Trixie cleared her throat.
Starlight sighed, and with an electric blue glow of her horn, produced two shiny bits she deposited into Trixie’s eagerly waiting hooves.
Pharynx gulped as he looked up at the pony face hovering with malevolent intent above him. “Okay, you were right. I’m scared.”
Starlight put on an icepick smile. “Oh?”
“…Is this what love feels like?” Pharynx asked.
Starlight’s cheeks suddenly turned luminescent. “Trixie? Help!”
“Trixie calls nexties!”
“DEAL!” Pharynx exclaimed.
“Trixie!” Starlight chastised. “You’re being an unsupportive douche!”
“Hey, you knew that about me when you first befriended me!”
“Yes, but you’re doing it to Fluttershy, specifically,” Starlight said. “And that’s just monstrous.”
Trixie grimaced. “Sorry, Fluttershy,” she said, more earnestly this time. “I respect you as a pony and I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings… Just Cadence’s.”
“Why?!” Starlight exclaimed. “She even admitted she was a fan!”
Trixie threw her forehooves up the air. “Trixie likes irritating Princess, alright! It’s not important. It’s a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. The first step is admitting it!”
Starlight raised an eyebrow, “And all the following steps involve doing something about it.”
“But that sounds haaaaaard!” Trixie whined.
Fluttershy smiled. “It’s okay, Trixie. Apology accepted. You can’t help who you are.”
“She can!” Starlight insisted. “She just admitted she can!”
A baby blue colored female changeling with striking yellow-red eyes strolled up to the group. “Excuse me, but who does Zero have to fuck to be thrown in this stinking hive?”
Pharynx was back on his feet in an instant. “I’m your huckleberry!”
Zero immediately took a few steps back. “Uh… no thanks.”
Pharynx winced. “Wow, is that what that feels like? Okay, I’m going to double-down on hating everything Twilight is trying to do here.”
“Pharynx, I think you’re scaring the poor girl,” Starlight pointed out.
“Scared, who’s scared?” Zero asked. “Zero just prefers guys with a generous helping of self-esteem issues.”
Trixie gasped. “Thorax! Come quick! We have a live one for you!”
“Uh, hi?” Thorax greeted pensively.
“Oh, my yes,” Zero drawled as a syrupy smile spread across her face. “He’ll do perfectly.”
Twilight tossed a glare at Thorax and let out an irritated growl.
“Er, I mean… We should get to know each other first.”
Zero simply blinked at Thorax a few times. “Uh, no thank you?”
Thorax frowned. “Well, would you rather I just mate with you?”
“HEY!” Twilight protested.
Cadance raised a forehoof to her mouth and gently shushed Twilight. “Let’s see where this goes before we interrupt…”
The doe tilted her head as her look of confusion increased. “Preferably after you throw someone, but yes.”
“Oh!” Thorax said as he bent down to pick up his brother.
“Hey! Wait!” Pharynx protested as he found himself up in the air. “I don’t agre—”
Thorax threw with all his might.
—eeeAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAaaaaaaaaaaa…”
Zero stared at Thorax as a smile spread itself across her face like syrup on hot pancakes. “Zero thinks she just dropped an egg… ER…” Zero’s demeanor suddenly became far more passive as she looked up at Thorax with wide hopeful eyes. “Be gentle with me Ni-san! It’s my first time,” she squeaked out in a high-pitched voice.
“Oh, this is just like my Neiponese animes,” Fluttershy murmured.
Cadance grinned. “Ooooh! I think we’re about to see something magical!”
“Whoa! Hold up!” Twilight demanded. “What the heck is this?!”
Zero shot a glare at Twilight. “It’s called, Role-playing! You know… A game? You friggin’ no-lifer…”
Cadence sighed and hung her head. “Has she been like this?”
“Yep,” Starlight confirmed. “All day!”
Trixie raised her forelegs to her lips again.
“Boooo! Twilight Sparkle! Booo!”
Starlight and Trixie turned to look at Cadance, a mixture of shock and awe on their faces.
“Cadance!” Twilight protested.
“Well, you’re being a filament defilement!”
“… A what?!” Trixie asked in confusion.
“Oh!” Cadance turned and faced Trixie, excitement clearly on her face. “You see, a filament is basically an insect’s di—”
“Do we HAVE to do this now?!” Bemoaned Twilight.
“I want to do this!” Cried Zero. “You ponies can get your OWN brothers to fight over you, mate with you, then throw you!”
Fluttershy cringed. “I need about five very hot showers now to try washing off whatever this feeling is…”
“But you don’t have to do this!” Twilight cried. “You have feelings that should be considered!”
“… Zero feels that she should be mounted, already!”
“Okay, if that’s what you really want, fine!” Twilight exclaimed. “But remember that the guys have to ask if you’re alright with being mated with first.”
“It is what Zero wants and all the guys have asked if Zero would like to be mated with!”
“ER… And you’ve said ‘yes’ to all of them!”
“YES! All but one!”
“Again, ow!” Pharynx called out.
“To almost every single one of them?!” Twilight asked in disbelief.
“You’re being pretty brutal for the Princess of Friendship!” Pharynx exclaimed.
“YES!” Zero cried as Zeitgeist and Zwan curiously approached the group. “Does Zero go over to your pony land during mating season and start asking a bunch of invasive questions about what is probably a super weird and maybe gross courting ritual?!”
Thorax turned towards Twilight. “Wait… Was your concern that women weren’t being asked if they wanted to mate? Because even Pharynx has been on top of that!”
Trixie snickered.
“Giggidy…” Cadence uttered.
“Gig-dangit!”
“Uh, erm NO!” Twilight insisted. “It’s about being respectful to women and figuring out what’s really going to make them happy.”
"Uh... We like being fought over," Zero informed.
"And thrown!" Zeitgeist added
"Oh yes. That's basically the best part,” Zwan chimed in.
“Can confirm," Cadence quietly murmured.
“Well… well… don’t you want to at least want to get to know the guy who uh-you know-”
“You can say ‘mate’, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. “We’re all adults here.”
“Again, Spike’s not!” Twilight looked around. “Wait, where’s Spike…”
“YEEEEEE-HAWWWW! YIIPPPIE-KAY-YAY!” Spike’s rather timely yelps came as the group turned in time to watch him ride the sunshine colored changeling across the sky in a neat little arc.
Twilight gave the display a look of parental disapproval. “Oh, I’m so mad about this.”
“You’re mad!” Trixie exclaimed. “How do you think I feel?!”
Starlight smirked at Trixie. “You’re just upset because you didn’t think of it first.”
Trixie turned and glowered at Starlight.
“Come on! Tell me I’m wrong.”
Trixie folded her forelegs across her chest and put on a pout. “It’s Trixie’s hat…”
Twilight just sighed. “Can we get back to the complete lack of connection going on between changelings before you all begin mating?”
“Tte!” Zero hissed from between her teeth dismissively. “I’ve known Ni-Thorax for the entire eleven years I’ve been alive.”
Starlight cringed. “I didn’t think it was possible, but things are getting weirder around here…”
“Oh, yes…” Cadance purred.
Thorax frowned at Twilight, “Twilight, did you think everyone was engaging in mating while being relative strangers?”
“ER, well… It didn’t seem like there was a lot of build up…”
“We all grew up together!” Thorax said. “I go to yoga with Zwan and Zeitgeist loves to read her Antidisestablishmentarianism poems!”
Zeitgeist put on a manic grin. “I know she was a power-hungry despot that literally ruled us as if she had sole control of her lives. Basically, because she also had that, but you’ve got to admit she was way cooler than any of us!”
“Yer preaching to the preacher, there,” Pharynx said.
“But… we were trying to help!” Twilight insisted.
Zwan tilted her head slightly. “… Who asked you to help, exactly?”
“Well no one ASKED us to, but we saw you were being treated unfairly, and—”
“Treated unfairly?” Zero interrupted. “Do you see any girls out here complaining?”
Zeitgeist raised a foreleg “I got thrown into a cliff!”
Twilight grinned and motioned in the direction of the changeling who spoke up.
The orange changeling male from before winced visibly. “Sorry about that! I’ll aim away from solid objects next time!”
“Okay, cool! That’s all I’m asking!”
Twilight let out a defeated groan.
“So, let me get this straight,” Zeitgeist began, “You all took one long look at this thing that didn’t concern you were basically no one was expressing outrage but decided you didn’t like what you were seeing and decided you’d ‘help’ by changing for everyone else even though it would continue to not concern you in the future?”
Twilight began to shuffle nervously in place. “Well… When you put it that way…”
“Objection!” Trixie called out. “Nothing I said or did can realistically be construed as help!”
“Er… I was against this in the first place,” Fluttershy said.
“I already learned my lesson from the first time I tried to help the changelings,” Starlight said. “So, I was mostly just here for support! You know, the kind of support that doesn’t require I do anything.”
“Moral?” Fluttershy suggested.
Starlight frowned. “Nope. Never heard of it.”
“I literally just got here and, to be frank, I like what I’m seeing!” Cadance said.
Zero smiled at Twilight. “Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you succeeded in making these last few awkward exchanges typical for mating, I’m pretty sure we’d all become so grief-stricken and anguished we’d, well, envy the dead and not want to go on living!”
Twilight’s left eye twitched. “How am I supposed to take that comment as anything but incredibly negatively.”
“You’re not!” Zero said cheerfully. “Zero just wanted to be clear! Now if you excuse me, Zero has to go collect on that wincest she was promised!”
Starlight cringed. “I would like to propose a moratorium on the word ‘wincest’.”
“As the Princess of Love, the law states that I must say I’m considering your proposal,” Cadance said.
Starlight frowned at Cadance, “But you’re not actually, are you?”
“Not as such, no,” Cadance admitted.
Twilight turned to glare at her friends. “You all were against this and just let me do it anyway?! Why didn’t anypony say anything?!”
“Er, Saying this was a bad idea was basically the first thing I did,” Fluttershy said. “You just didn’t listen.”
“Watching you fail gives me life, Sparkles,” Trixie stated with a Cheshire grin.
“Again, I just got here,” Cadance said.
Starlight smiled at Twilight and put a forehoof, “Just supporting you even when you’re failing horribly and making a mess out of everything, so you can learn from your mistakes! Just like how you taught me in my friendship lessons!”
“…THAT’S THE BIGGEST TAKE AWAY YOU GOT FROM ALL MY FRIENDSHIP LESSONS?!”
Starlight gave Twilight a befuddled look. “Should it not have been?”
“Ba-but…” Something snapped behind Twilight’s eyes. “I can’t believe this! Friendship has to be the answer here, it just has to!” Twilight grit her teeth and pressed her forehooves against her cheeks.
“Twilight, what’s wrong?” Fluttershy asked. “Is there something—”
“I’m hysterical!” Twilight declared. “I’m having hysterics. I’m hysterical. I can’t stop. When I get like this, I can’t stop. I’m hysterical.”
Fluttershy sighed heavily and took a few steps away from Twilight. “Oh, dear,” Fluttershy looked at Starlight and Trixie. “Does any pony have like… an old doll or blankies of Twilight’s?”
Cadance thought for a moment. “Honestly, her brother’s method of dealing with this is just to go away and find something else to do… Which I realize isn’t exactly helpful right now.”
Starlight groaned. “Well, she’s clearly hit her limit. We should—”
“Trixie knows what to do!” Trixie declared as she teleported away in a lilac glow and a ‘poof!’ Almost as quickly as she disappeared, she re-appeared with a cup of water that she summarily tossed onto Twilight.
Starlight frowned. “I don’t think you do…”
“I’m wet! I’m wet!” Twilight cried. “I’m hysterical and I’m wet!”
Trixie brought a forehoof across Twilight’s face with a ‘Whap!’
“I’m in pain! And I’m wet! And I’m still hysterical!”
Trixie raised her foreleg again.
“Trixie, just get away from Twilight,” Starlight said. “You’re just making her worse.”
“Worse, or better?!” Trixie retorted. “Maybe if I teleport again with more wa—“
“AAAAAHHHHH-“
’SMACK!’
Trixie was suddenly knocked to the ground in a heap of Zero who quickly stood up and dusted herself off.
“Hehehe, that was great,” Zero commented to herself as she bounded happily away. “Ni-Thorax is such a good thrower…”
“The Grrrrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie is currently sticky and not okay with this!”
Twilight took a couple of deep breaths. “I’m-I’m okay...”
“See!” Trixie said as she got back to her hooves and motioned to Twilight. “Helping!”
“Only in that you were there for Zero to land on, sure,” Twilight said.
Trixie’s eyes narrowed. “You’re sounding an awful lot like you’re still hysterical, Twilight. Maybe another slap will help.”
“I’m not hysterical, Trixie,” Twilight said calmly.
“That’s exactly what someone in hysterics would say,” Trixie countered.
“No, it’s the exact opposite of what somepony in hysterics would say,” Twilight counter-countered.
Starlight groaned. “How about we go for a short walk where changelings WON’T crash into us and I teleport us all home?”
“Fine, fine,” Trixie said.
Fluttershy thought for a moment. “Well, I guess I do need to feed the animals,” she said in a disappointed tone.
Twilight perked up, “OR we can try being louder and ANGRIER to get our points across!”
Starlight sighed as she walked to the side of Twilight and gently nudged her along with her head. “Let’s go, Twilight.”
“Wait-WAIT!” Twilight cried as she found herself being somewhat forcibly moved. “I’m not done meddling! I have a plan!”
Rolling her eyes, Starlight’s horn glowed with an electric blue light that engulfed Twilight and picked her off the ground.
“Starlight!” Twilight shrieked as she struggled vainly inside her small magical bubble. “I can walk!” she protested.
“Yes, you can,” Starlight asserted. “Just do it over here, moving away from the hive!”
Twilight groaned. “Oh, alright…” she said in defeat as Starlight put her back on the ground. “But first we need to collect Spike.”
“Yo,” a very satisfied looking Spike greeted as he practically popped up next to Twilight.
“At least one plan is working…” Twilight said begrudgingly.
“You!” Trixie said as she pointed an accusing forehoof at Spike. “How dare you use Trixie’s hat as a super-fun prop for riding changelings as they’re being thrown about!”
Spike smugly handed the wizard hat to Trixie who swiped it in a huff.
“Jealous much?” Spike said.
“Incredibly!” Trixie admitted.
“Well, maybe this will cheer you up!” Spike said. He motioned off towards a group of changelings “Come on guys! We’re going to Ponyville!”
A modest party of even more modestly sized changeling guys tentatively trotted up.
“Spike! What are you doing with all these changeling men?!”
Spike smiled widely. “I’m taking them to Ponyville where they can pick up some girls the old fashion way… by not literally having to pick them up.”
Starlight cocked her head. “Do you think there are mares out there who want to do it with a changeling?”
“‘Do I think there are mares out there who want to have sex with someone who can transform to look like literally anypony?’ Yeah, I do. One doctor’s waiting room worth of ‘Pony’ and Celebrity magazines and I got this.”
Trixie’s eyes fired open wide. “Is there like a signup sheet?”
Spike immediately passed a clipboard to Trixie. “Just pick how many changelings you want and what you want them to look like.”
Trixie’s eyes lit up. “Can I pick all of them and can they all look like me?!”
With a series of flashes, several identical copies of Trixie where suddenly walking alongside the ponies.
“Can some of them still have dicks?!”
‘Zap!, Zap!’
“This is the best day of Trixie’s life!” Trixie proclaimed as she began feverishly writing stuff down.
Starlight just stared straight ahead with a thousand-mile long stare on her face. “I have the weirdest lady boner right now.”
“Not me,” Fluttershy said dryly as she tapped on Trixie’s shoulder who passed the clipboard and quill to the butter colored Pegasus. “I have a perfectly normal lady boner,” she said as jotted down her own details of what she wanted.
Twilight glowered at Spike. “As proud as I am at how organized you’ve been, you are too young to be organizing a changeling brothel, mister!”
“I’m too young for like three-quarters of the stuff that happens to me!”
Twilight threw her forelegs up in the air. “Is anypony going to help me with anything today?!”
Trixie snorted. “Oh, like you don’t know what I’m going to say.”
“Erm, sorry Twilight,” Fluttershy said, “But I only care about getting to Ponyville and what happens immediately after that at the moment.”
“I’ll help!” Starlight said joyfully.
Twilight turned towards Starlight with an expectant smile.
“Yay! You go Twilight!” Starlight cheered as she clapped her forehooves together. “I believe in you!”
Twilight groaned. “Okay… Cadance?! A little help here?” Twilight looked around. “Wait where is—CADANCE!” Twilight called out as she took note of the Princess of Love sitting on her haunches her back turned to the group and a bucket of popcorn at her hooves.
“Oh, hey, Twilight!” Cadance called back. “Sorry, but I’ve decided to stay, and observe…” Cadance turned and watch as Pharynx and Zeitgeist disappeared into one of the caves together. “For now…” she purred. “Anyone not currently the proud new manager of a brothel want to join me?”
Trixie and Fluttershy looked over their sign-up sheet, at each other, then at Cadence. “We’re good!” they answered in unison.
“Cadance, please!” Twilight pleaded.
“Sorry Twilight,” Cadance stood up and gave Twilight one last wink. “I guess I’m just a prisoner of love,” with that she turned and began happily skipping towards the hive.
“But-but-Frrrrriendship!” Twilight moaned.
“There, there!” Starlight said as she gave Twilight a couple comforting pats on the back. “It’s best to leave before the fire burns hot enough to consume the dumpster itself. And, hey! At least you learned a valuable lesson from all of this!”
Twilight simply let out a mournful groan of defeat.
“That’s exactly how I feel!” Starlight picked a point far outside the normal range of pony vision and stared hard at it. “Every. Single. Time.”
Queen Chrysalis stared up with wide, confused eyes at her horn as it momentarily blazed with unexpected green flame before a scroll materialized in front of her face and dropped to the floor.
She stared down at the now, perfect mundane scroll as the winged, horned baby in her arms reached for it and burbled excitedly.
Chrysalis raised the baby in front of her and sneered. “What did you do?”
Flurry Heart merely giggled joyously and leaned forward to affectionately rub her horn on the twisted bit of carapace that jutted from Chrysalis’s own forehead.
Chrysalis just sighed. “SHIIIINIIIIING!” the changeling queen bellowed loud enough to shake the castle.
With a plum flash and a ‘Pomff!’ Shining teleported into Flurry’s room. “Yes, Chrysalis? What is it? Bored? Slobbered on? Flurry needs a change?
“Something just came out of me!”
In an instant, a look of absolute joy appeared on Shining’s his face. “Am… Am I a daddy?! Again?!”
“WHAT?! NO!” Chrysalis cried.
“IS Cadance a daddy?” Shining gasped. “Are she and I now co-daddies?!”
Chrysalis gave Shining Armor an incredulous look, the fifth of such she had already given to him today. “It’s just a scroll I somehow materialized you escaped-mental-patient posing as pony royalty!” she snapped.
“OH!” Shining said as he floated the scroll over and unfurled it. “It’s from Cadance... Also, there’s surprisingly little difference between the pony aristocracy and the committed.”
“Yes, I figured as much upon uttering the insult.” Chrysalis took another glance at her horn. “Also, this answers nothing for me…”
Shining’s eyes widened. “Uh… Chrysalis? You and I might have, uh, royal business to discuss with Cadance.”
“Oh my!” Chrysalis said with mock urgency. She glanced out a window at the bright, shining day. “Is it literally any day of the week?!”
Shining walked over to Chrysalis and Flurry Heart and gave the baby a quick peck on the forehead, much to her delight. “Grown up royal business,” he stressed.
Chrysalis’s face tightened. “Fine…” she growled out through clenched teeth. “CHYSTALLEEEEEER!” she shouted, once again, shaking the entire castle.
Shining glanced at the door as Chrysalis pre-chambered an irritated glare as the sound of galloping and one very out of breath pony approached. The door was quickly thrown open and an even more frazzled than usual looking Sunburst appeared behind it.
“Here!” Chrysalis said as she immediately deposited the giggling Flurry heart into the winded pony’s forelegs. “Do the one thing we keep you around for, royal baby-sitter!”
Flurry Heart burbled happily and tugged on Sunburst’s beard.
Sunburst gave Chrysalis a hurt look. “B-b-but, er,” Sunburst momentarily juggled the baby with one foreleg as he pushed his glasses back in place. “I’m very knowledgeable about magic, too! Also! I have a name!”
Chrysalis leaned down and sneered at the pony which looked back up her in fright, something that might have come off as terrifying if it weren’t for the baby filly cooing and embracing both ponies like she was in the middle of a surprise hug. “Your name is ‘Pony I BARELY tolerate over the grotesque rabble #3’!”
“Nice!” Shining said as he passed by the others in the room. “Right below me!”
Chrysalis raised her head followed Shining and swatted at Sunburst with her midnight green tail, knocking his glasses askew once more. “Be grateful you’ve earned that much from me, peasant.”
Sunburst let out a dejected sigh and put on a frown that quickly changed to a smile as Flurry Heart took a quick moment to fix his glasses with her tiny hooves and give him a couple reassuring pats on the cheek.
“Please tell me this is more than an elaborate booty call from ‘she who can never be satisfied’!” Chrysalis exclaimed as she followed Shining into an ornately furnished office.
Shining turned and smiled. “It’s definitely more than that.”
Chrysalis frowned. “Still a booty call, though, I take it?”
Shining rolled back his head and laughed. “You know Cadance so well.”
“Unfortunately, that is very true,” Chrysalis bemoaned. “So what elevates this booty call from being elaborate?”
Shining smirked. “It’s changeling mating season.”
Chrysalis’s entire body seized up in an angry sneer. “That was known as ‘The Queen desires sex!’ not too long ago. Why would you and Cadance feel I’d desire to know this?!”
Shining awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. “Well, uh… We thought… Maybe you’d want to get in on this? I mean… they are your kind, after all.”
“That’s disgusting!” Chrysalis cried as her features twisted to show how revolted she was. “Why would you even ask that?!”
“Oh, right!” Shining said. “I forgot they’re all basically your children.”
“Why would that be a problem?” Chrysalis asked. “I’ve mated with drones of my own creation for centuries. What I meant was why would I want to stick anything that comes from my body in those pastel eye-sores?”
Shining shrugged, “Well, apparently you get to throw the guys before you mate with the women and then throw the girls after you mate, too.”
“…Excuse me?!” Chrysalis said, her words coming out a mixture of surprise and intrigue.
Shining nodded, “Yeah, Cadance theorizes it’s some sort of natural instinct to better safeguard superior genetics or something… but she’s also giving me a pass to get with some shapeshifters and work on my distance throw, so—”
Chrysalis’s horn suddenly burned with jade fire that consumed her body in an instant and replaces it with a much more muscular and masculine body, at least as masculine as mint with seafoam highlights could be, all topped with golden twenty-point antlers.
Shining’s eyes widened as he attempted to visually take in all of Chrysalis’s new form. “… Oh, I’m so happy I’m in a polygamous relationship with you and Cady.”
Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “Because you don’t have to compete with all of this, or because you get a piece of all this later?”
Shining looked up, “Sorry Chrysalis, I wasn’t listening. Too busy staring at your bug-abs… you could grind flour on those things.”
Chrysalis simply rolled ‘his’ eyes and trotted towards the door. “Alright, Shining. Let’s go pick up some chicks.”
