The Crusaders read...by The Blue EM2Chapters...Halo! Halos in Space!...Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction!...Half Life: Full Life Consequences...Halo! Halos in Space!It was a cool evening at Sweet Apple Acres. As was typical for a day such as today, three girls could be seen speeding across the apple orchards, past the shed which held the locomotives of their small railway, and into the house itself. Apple Bloom smiled, and wiped her brow. “Well,” she said to her friends, “Ah think today’s been a mighty fine day.” “Yep!” Scootaloo added. “I’d agree with you on that!” The three girls had been out trying out rock climbing at the local park, which had been a lot of fun for the three of them. Well, except Sweetie Belle. “I hope Rarity will be accommodating,” she said, indicating the smudges on her jacket. “You know what she’s like when things are dirty.” “Well that’s rich!” Scootaloo replied. “Didn’t you have to wash her clothes one time because she wouldn’t come out of her room because she was crying over a failed dress she’d made?” The other two girls simply stared at her. “What?” Apple Bloom siged. “Scoots, ya need ta use WAY more commas when ya speak.” Scootaloo just looked utterly confused. “Why would I need to use commas when I speak?” “It makes your sentences easier to understand,” Sweetie Belle replied. “And yes, I did have to wash her clothes. The amount of ice cream stains in them was ridiculous!” “Ya also run live steam on yer layout, don’t ya?” Apple Bloom asked her white skinned friend. Sweetie Belle nodded. “That can get a little smoky at times, but we use methylated spirit to run them, combined with radio control.” Scootaloo grinned. “Sweetie Belle, you are great with technology. It’s no wonder you and Button Mash get along so well!” Sweetie Belle simply blushed. “Thank you,” she replied. “Shall we head up ta mah room?” Apple Bloom said. “We’ve got stuff ta do, remember?” “Oh!” Scootaloo said. “Right.” “Onwards to Adventure!” Sweetie Belle called, and away they went, up the stairs. “Not so loud!” called the voice of Bright Mac. The three girls reached Apple Bloom’s bedroom, where a camera had been set up just above her computer so it could record whatever was looking at the monitor. In addition to their usual hobbies, the Crusaders also ran a YouTube channel, where they uploaded a mixture of music videos, reaction videos, recording of railway related things, and many other recordings. They took turns to record at each other’s houses, and tonight Apple Bloom was doing the honours. “So, what are we reacting to today?” Scootaloo asked, taking off her trainers and sitting on Apple Bloom’s bed. “Is it another wheelslip fails video?” Sweetie Belle added her enquiry to the pile. Apple Bloom looked back over her shoulder. “Well, actually, Ah was thinkin’ we could try somethin’ a little different,” she said. “Namely?” Sweetie Belle asked. There was a pause, as Apple Bloom held her friends in suspense. “Fanfiction!” she said at last. Sweetie Belle clapped her hands, but Scootaloo just looked at her, dumbfounded. “You mean stuff like 50 Shades of Grey?” “I think we’re too young to have read that,” Sweetie Belle added. “Not ta mention it’s just bad,” Apple Bloom said. “From what Ah’ve heard!” she quickly added. Scootaloo shrugged. “That book started life as a Twilight fanfiction, according to Wikipedia.” Apple Bloom turned back to her PC, and typed in her password. There was a momentary pause as the machine logged in, and then the main screen appeared. Apple Bloom clicked on the Firefox icon, and opened a bookmarked page. “Nah, bad fanfiction!” Scootaloo looked at the opened page. “Halo: Halos in Space?” “I’ve never played that game,” Sweetie Belle said. “I bet Button has though.” “Aw, c’mon!” Apple Bloom said to her friends. “It’ll be a hoot! What ya say, y’all?” There was another pause. “I’m in!” Scootaloo said finally. “Me too!” Sweetie Belle called. Apple Bloom reached up to the camera, and set it running. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” There was a pause, before Apple Bloom began speaking again. “Tonight, we are gonna do somethin’ a little bit different. Tonight, and every now and then, we will be reactin’ ta bad fanfiction. Today’s entry is Halo: Halos in Space!” Scootaloo leaned in. “Sheesh, needs an apostrophe.” Sweetie Belle peered at the publish bar. “Published June 6th, 2006? Wow, this one is old.” Apple Bloom spoke up. “Aliens are comin’ ta Joe Cheifs ship and he has ta leave and go ta Halo army base quick?” She shook her head. “What? That don’t make sense!” Scootaloo looked over. “Hey, do you wanna read Sweetie Belle? You’ve got the best public speaking voice.” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat, and began to read. “Joe Chief was in Space and had wepons and was a army guy but he wasn’t a robot liek Master Chief so he didnt fly.” “An army guy?” Apple Bloom ventured cautiously. “OK, I can see this guy has serious issues with spelling, punctuation and grammar.” Scootaloo’s comment rang especially true. “Joe Chief was one day in a place and shooting wepon at targits and then got a call on the space tv in the ship that said to him "JOE CHIEF ALIENS ARE SHOTING AT SHIP COME HERE QUICK" so he went.” Sweetie Belle shook her head. “Talk about breakneck pace.” “And why are the aliens...shoting? Showting? I have no idea how to pronounce that word!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “Joe Chief ran fast there to where bullets were from aliens and took out his wepons and shot at space to hit ships.” “What?” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “That don’t make sense at all!” “Yeah,” Sweetie Belle added. “I get the impression this guy doesn’t do logic.” She then resumed. “Aliens started flying from space into Joe Chiefs ship so he had to do somthing quick. Joe Chief punched a alien and ran fast to get big wepon from the lock room so he went there and got it and shot alien again in teh legs and they fell and Joe Chief shot again and killd them. Joe Chief lookd at dead aliens and said to them "Aliens we are human people and you are aliens but we dont need to kill things like us" and then pushed them into space.” “Well, that speech made no sense,” Scootaloo added. “How did this even pass moderation?” “There is no moderation on Fanfiction.net,” Apple Bloom explained. “It goes straight through.” “Explains why the quality is so crap,” Scootaloo added. “This is terrible.” “Ya think this is bad?” Apple Bloom asked. “Just wait till ya read the next bit!” “After teh normil aliens the flood came and every thing got wet and messy and lightningy becaus water hit teh space tv and all the things and made sparks. After teh aliens sent the flood other aliens with big heads came and Joe Chief had to runaway becaues there was to many of those and they were killing other human people on teh ship.” At the point when they reached ‘wet and messy’, Scootaloo cracked up. “Oh my God this is hilarious!” she cried as she laughed. “Is that even a word?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Ya know, becaues?” “Ah think the author meant, ‘because’,” Apple Bloom admitted. “Besides, ‘and all the things and made sparks’ makes no sense. If we may continue?” "Human people army guys hurry and come in ship!" Joe Chief said to the human people there becaus aliens were killing them and he was in a escape ship and ready to go. 3 other human people came just in time becaus the big ship blew up n they were flying fast in space and going to the Halo to meet the army base and get ready fo tight.” “Ready fo tight?” Sweetie Belle asked. “That sounds like the time when Rarity made some clothes that were a tiny bit too small for me.” “I never knew you could spell ‘because’ so many different ways,” Scootaloo added. “You’ve got a bit of an interestin’ history in that regard,” Apple Bloom said in response. “That was only because somebody asked me to spell ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “You try spelling ‘rhombus’!” “Rohmbus?” Apple Bloom ventured. “If we may get on,” Sweetie Belle said. “And it’s rhombus.” “Joe Chief had to fly fast and go a round tings liek alien ships and things. Then out of no where BOOM happend and the back of the espcape ship fell open n one of the army guys fell out and explodd in space then another one closed it and said "NOOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!" and then got tired and slept.” “Is it normal to describe and explosion using onomatopeia?” Sweetie Belle asked, confused. “Are you some kind of walking dictionary today?” Scootaloo retorted. “Besides, Ah’m pretty certain that is not how ya spell ‘escape’, or how ya spell exploded.” “Besides, do you explode if you fall out into space?” Scootaloo asked. “Actually, you would,” Sweetie Belle continued. “Your skin would inflate as the water evaporated, causing you to-” “Too much information!” Apple Bloom called. “C’mon, we’ve only got three more paragraphs ta read.” “Joe Chief lookd a front of him and seen alien shooting at him so he did a barral roll and teh lasers went around him and went away. Joe Chief sawd the Halo in Space so he put the ship faster and went there quick becaus a lot of aliens were there. Joe Chief shot like "bang bang bang" from teh ship and made aliens blow up and then landed ship on Halo.” “Is this guy just bad at English, or is he a troll?” Scootaloo said. “Because something doesn’t feel right.” “I don’t know,” Sweetie Belle countered. “This somehow feels genuine.” “Joe Chief said to teh other 2 army guys "Were here now get wepon n kill aliens fast" so they did but when they left a ship landed and skwashed them. Human people army guys were all dying fast and Joe Chief had to save them but he didnt know how but then he saw something and went to it and piced it up and said "no we win" to himself.” Scootaloo cracked up again. “I think I’m gonna piss myself from laughing!” she hooted. Apple Bloom shook her head. “Well, he did do that thin’ with the somethin’.” “The pacing is terrible,” Sweetie Belle added. “He didn’t know what to do, then knew what to do?” Apple Bloom looked into the camera. “Well, that’s all fer tonight. See ya next week!” She then stopped the camera. “What did ya think?” she asked. “Can we do more of these?” Scootaloo asked. “That was hilarious!” Apple Bloom smiled. “Sure. Another one, this time next week?” “It’s my house next!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. Author's Note https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKYKXAakmuw Yes, this story really is as bad as it reads. ...Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction!“So,” Scootaloo said, as she kicked off her trainers. Said trainers sailed across the room and hit the wall of Sweetie Belle’s bedroom, leaving a smudge on the wall. Given the wall was painted yellow, this was very noticeable. “Scootaloo!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, shocked. “You’ve made a mess of the wall!” Scootaloo looked around her, her cheeks red. “Oops, sorry.” She then resumed her original line of enquiry. “What have you got for us this week?” Sweetie Belle closed Steam, then opened up her web browser, selecting a page she had bookmarked. “Does this qualify as bad enough?” she asked. Apple Bloom scanned over it, and looked closely. “Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction?” she asked. “Yup, this is bad enough!” She motioned for Sweetie Belle to start the camera. The girls prepared to give their intro. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” There was then an awkward pause. “As ya requested, we are doin’ another piece of bad fanfiction today. The ‘story’, if ya can call it such, is called ‘Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction.’” Scootaloo leaned in to look at the date. “Wow,” she said. “It was published only a few years ago.” Sweetie Belle sighed. “Is it the same guy-” “Or gal,” Apple Bloom interrupted. “-or girl as last time?” Sweetie Belle finished. “Nope!” Scootaloo answered. “This is by a...PeterChimaera. The last one was by SquirrelKing, right?” Apple Bloom nodded her head. “Well, shall we start?” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat, and began to read. “Atuhor’s nose-” Sweetie Belle immediately broke down in laughter. “What does that even mean?” she snorted, through a mass of giggles. “Do they mean ‘author’s note’?” Scootaloo ventured. “Maybe,” Apple Bloom replied. Sweetie Belle had finally composed herself, and resumed reading. “Atuhor’s nose: Uncycylopedia (which is online encyclopidia like wikiped) said I was writing story called Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction and dontn't know where come but I decide to write anyway.” “Uncycylopedia?” Apple Bloom asked. “I think he means Uncyclopedia,” Scootaloo explained. “It’s a satirical website that spoofs Wikipedia.” Apple Bloom simply nodded. “OK then. ‘And dontn't know where come but I decide to write anyway’? That doesn’t even make sense!” “Maybe he forgot to proofread?” Sweetie Belle suggested. “Always proofread your work, especially if someone else proofreads it for you.” Scootaloo grinned at her advice. “Well, that explains how ya put a comma in the middle of the word ‘hello’ in an essay once,” Apple Bloom said in a snarky manner. “Hey!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “That was Microsoft Word messing up!” “Shall we continue?” Sweetie Belle asked. “YEP!” the other two chorused. Sweetie Belle began reading again. “Chapter 1: What it Means.” Sweetie Belle paused. “What a weird title.” She then glanced down, and took a look at the next sentence. “Gordon Freechmen was studying in his was studying laboratoried. Fellow scientist cow-orker Jimm said "Gordon Freemant what are you working on" "UI have discovered new radoactive isatope but it is so vollatile that it does not have a half-life but quarter-life so we must observe with hasty". She stopped. “Seriously!” she exclaimed. “When writing dialogue, put a period or another piece of punctuation at the end of the sentence!” “The importance of speaking in punctuation can NEVER be understated,” Apple Bloom added. Scootaloo looked closer at the screen. “Notice he spells ‘Freeman’ differently each time the word is written,” she observed. “I also wonder what a ‘cow-orker’ is.” “An Ork that looks like a cow?” Apple Bloom suggested. “You’d know more than I would on that,” Scootaloo answered. Apple Bloom glared at her. “First, mah family ain’t farmers. We simply run the orchard on the side. Second, when we were briefly a farm-and that were before Ah were born-we never kept cows. It were pigs.” “That’s where Piggly-Wiggly comes from, right?” Sweetie Belle asked. Apple Bloom glared at her too. “Never mention that again! Anon-a-Miss gave me enough trauma as it was!” “Anyway,” Scootaloo added, “I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty certain that is NOT how radiation works.” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. “Juts then a headcrab went on Jimms head OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM! GHordon wents to get his crowbarb ut it was missing so hhad to borrow a claymore sword. He hits teh headcrab and Jimm was okay but his head was cut”. She shook her head. “Now that is the definition of a run-on sentence.” “I like how the author considers a Claymore to be an improvised weapon,” Scootaloo snorted. “Why’s he throwin’ a ground explosive at Jim’s head?” Apple Bloom asked. “Surely that would kill Jim!” “Not that type of claymore!” Scootaloo called. “The claymore here is a sword, often associated with the Highlanders of Scotland.” “Well, you’d know more about that than me, eh?” Apple Bloom answered. “Just because my mom’s maiden name is MacLeod does NOT make me Scottish!” Scootaloo replied. “So, Jim was OK but his head was cut?” Sweetie Belle asked. “That makes no sense; in fact, that’s a contradiction in terms!” “Ah’m assumin’ that ‘OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM!’ is spoken dialogue?” Apple Bloom asked. “Because there’ no parentheses around it.” Sweetie Belle resumed reading before they could continue the debate. "Watch where you swings at me just kidding thanks" " HAha" They laughed "Whait oh no where id isotop?" "UIt is been stoled!" She simply facepalmed. “Good Lord, what a mess.” Scootaloo leaned in again. “Yeah. So, Jim is laughing even after being cut with a sword? So weird.” “And most of that last sentence has nothin’ ta do with the story.” Apple Bloom looked frustrated with the story already, but they had to finish it. “CHAPTER TWO: THEY REVOCER TEH ISOTROPE BUT THEY DON'T.” Sweetie Belle looked stunned. “What? Was that tiny parcel of text the entirety of chapter one?” “Way to go on telling us what’ll happen in the next chapter!” Scootaloo laughed. “Gordon and Jimm arrived at teh alien scene where a bad guy from the game said "I have take the isotope and it will cause meltdown!" "NO, NOT ALL OF DALLAS!" Which swas target of where they were and it was nice place and my friend lives there.” At that point the three girls just fell about laughing, and needed a moment to compose themselves. “Why tell us that bit about Dallas?” Scootaloo asked. “It completely breaks any immersion we had with the narrative.” “And who is ‘bad guy from the game’?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Anybody who hasn’t played Half-life will have no idea who they mean!” “Oh well,” Apple Bloom sighed. “As if this pile of junk is gonna make a lick of sense anytime soon.” "IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO MY DEMANS" "TOO LATE" and the isotope hit quarterlife and teh room was slowly become vaporize "Ew must escapes out of here fastly" but Jimm was already blowed to smitheroons.” “What on Earth?” Apple Bloom asked. “Ah’m pretty certain that is bad nuclear physics.” “And what is this word?” Scootaloo ventured. “Smitheroons? That is not a word!” “‘Ew must escapes out of here fastly’?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Does he mean, ‘We must escape quickly?’” “Oh well,” Apple Bloom sighed. “One more chapter ta go.” “CHAPTER THREE: DESTRUACTION IS IMMINANT.” Sweetie Belle sighed yet again. “PUNCTUATION! And why is he so concerned about getting distracted?” “Maybe he meant ‘destruction?’” Scootaloo suggested. “God only knows,” Apple Bloom added. “What I’d be without you!” Scootaloo answered. "This is Gordon Freeman how do we contain teh meltdown? I know!" And he used portals to push henemy headquarters into a portal so Dallas wouldnt melt down and it would only go off harmless in Atlantic ocean. "Hooray I scucceeded at winning the mission" "Not so fast, Mr. Gordon". Scootaloo shook her head. “The pacing is WAY too fast. There’s no time taken to develop any of these ideas, at all.” “And what’s with this random ending?” Apple Bloom asked. “It’s not a good way ta end a story, especially one as bad as this.” “That’s all for this week!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “See you next week!” She then switched the camera off. “So, Scootaloo, yer up next,” Apple Bloom smiled. “Got one ready?” “I got just the thing...” Author's Note https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOvglodUIcA Another disaster from the pen of Peter Chimaera. ...Half Life: Full Life ConsequencesOctober, by this point, was wrapping up, and November was making its mark upon the world, especially noticeably in Canterlot. Although snow was yet to arrive (that was usually mid-November, although there was that one time when it snowed in September), the temperatures had dropped somewhat. In was in one home, down Lewis Road, that Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom had gathered, currently huddled around a computer at which Scootaloo was typing into a search engine. “Argh!” she said. “I know I have it somewhere!” “Why not just check yer search history?” Apple Bloom suggested. “My PC doesn’t record it,” Scootaloo replied. “That’s how it was set up.” “That must be a pain,” Sweetie Belle added. “Yeah.” Scootaloo continued typing, with a number of entries coming up. “Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction?” “We did that last time Scoots, remember?” Apple Bloom reminded her. “Oh,” Scootaloo replied. “Right.” She typed in another entry. “Cheerilee’s Garden?” Sweetie Belle looked closer. “Isn’t Cheerilee your Mom’s name?” “Yes, it is,” Scootaloo answered. “So who has been writing stories about her? And we don’t even have a garden!” Just then, the door opened, and in stepped Cheerilee herself. “Hi girls!” she said, with a smile. “You having a good time?” “Yeah!” Apple Bloom replied. “We’re just readin’ bad fanfiction fer our channel!” “Oh!” Cheerilee answered, stepping over. When she saw what was on the screen her eyes widened in horror. “Don’t read that one!” “Why?” Sweetie Belle asked, confused. “Because it is violent and has inappropriate content!” Cheerilee scolded. At that very moment, she realised she was not in the classroom. “Just-don’t.” Scootaloo glanced over. “Did something happen while you were out shopping?” she asked her mother. “Why do you ask?” Cheerilee asked in return. She hadn’t expected such a question. “Because you’re dressed completely differently to how you were dressed when you went out.” Scootaloo had a fair point. Rather than her usual white shirt, brown waistcoat (or vest, depending on who you asked), green skirt and brown boots, she was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt, a much shorter green skirt, and purple platform boots. Her hair was also done up in a completely different way to usual. “Reason I ask is because you look like one of your old College photos.” Scootaloo was almost immediately to the point. Cheerilee sighed. “Well, Rarity’s magic seems to have gone a bit haywire today. I was walking down the street on my way home when suddenly she walked up the street singing something about being the girl you want to be. Then something-magic, maybe?-shot out of her hands and flew in my general direction. One minute, I was dressed as I usually do, the next, I was wearing this.” She paused. “This whole magic thing is getting weird,” Sweetie Belle commented. “One minute, rainbow lasers and flying about, and the next, Rarity can magically change clothing?” She checked her own outfit, to ensure it hadn’t just turned into something else. “Yeah,” Cheerilee nodded. “Please ask your sister to be more careful in public. Now I just hope this wears off-” Just as she said this, another bright light flashed, and there she was dressed as normal. “Speak of Discord, and he shall appear!” Scootaloo proclaimed. “Did somebody say my name?” a voice asked. Cheerilee laughed. “Well, that cleans that one up. I’ll go start work on dinner. Then I have about 30 music exams to mark.” She left the room, her face looking grumpy, and then closed the door behind her. Scootaloo typed in something else. “Masters of the Universe?” Sweetie Belle went pale. “Scootaloo, that’s 50 Shades of Grey." “Maybe not.” The orange-skinned girl typed in something else. “My belo-” “NO!” the other two girls called. Just then, Scootaloo spotted another link. “Half-Life: Full Life Consequences?” She whooped. “Yes! This is the one I was looking for!” Sweetie Belle smiled. “This is the crème de la crème of bad fanfiction. Shall we begin?” With that, Scootaloo started the camera. The light went red, and into the intro they went. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” “As promised,” Scootaloo continued, “we are reading another bad fanfic. This time it is Half-Life: Full Life Consequences, written by none other than Squirrelking, who has been stinking up the internet with his rubbish for nearly a decade!” Apple Bloom looked closer. “Wow,” she said. “This is really old. 2006?” “Check out the description,” Sweetie Belle added, already confused by the bad English. “John Freeman who is Gordon Freemans brother has to do what has to be done and help Gordon Freemen defeat the enemys?” She shook her head. “Ouch.” “John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day an office typing at a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him-” “That must’ve hurt,” Scootaloo observed. “-and aksed him for help so he went.” Sweetie Belle’s jaw hung open. “Well that made next to no sense.” “How can a person be ‘an office’?” Apple Bloom asked. “Surely, ‘in an office’?” “John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform-” Scootaloo chuckled. “Why did he wet the platform?” “Clearly he was drinking too much coffee,” sweetie Belle replied, before continuing. “And wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close.” Her face showed a look of confusion as she read that sentence again. “And normal people close because he was still wearing his office labcoat?” “What does he mean by ‘normal people close’?” Apple Bloom asked. “May be meant that, because he was wearing his office attire, he had to put on civilian clothing,” Scootaloo ventured. “John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said ‘it is time for me to live up to my family name and face full life conseuquences” so he had to go. John Freeman ramped off the building and did backflips and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have wepon.” “We saw that typo back in Halos in Space, remember?” Scootaloo asked. “More evidence this guy is a troll.” “The countrysides were nice-” Sweetie Belle had to stop as she was now laughing too hard to speak. “I’m sorry. “The countrysides were nice and the flowers were singing and the birds and the sun were almost down from the top of the sky.” “Sorry, what?” Scootaloo asked. “Ah don’t think this is gonna start makin’ sense soon Scoots,” Apple Bloom added. “The mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said “its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys”. Stunned silence filled the room at the awfulness of the sentence, so Sweetie Belle continued. “John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.” “Had headcrabs?” Scootaloo asked. “I’m pretty certain headcrabs control a person. It’s not a disease or anything. Is it?” “I cant give you my lisense officer” John Freeman said “Why not?” said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman. “Because you are headcrab zombie” so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking “my brother is in trouble there” and went faster.” “Hold a minute!” Apple Bloom chimed in. “Ah thought he didn’t have a weapon. So how could he shoot the officer?” “Maybe he took the officer’s gun,” Sweetie Belle suggested. “John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw “Ravenholm” with someons writing under it saying “u shudnt come here” so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.” “Even I can spell better than that,” Scootaloo replied. “Went fast again would make more sense,” Apple Bloom said. “John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.” “Well, that’s better than what Joe Chief did with the weapon,” Sweetie Belle said. “Piced it up?” Scootaloo asked. “Language!” shouted a voice from the kitchen. “John Freeman said “Zombie goasts leave this place” and the zombie goasts said “but this is our house” and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.” “They weren’t at piece,” Apple Bloom noted. “True, they were in ‘pieces’, but not at peace.” “Where did he get the explosives from?” Scootaloo asked. “He could hardly have got them from his bike; that’s in pieces as well.” “Maybe he had some on him?” Sweetie Belle suggested. “Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.” Scootaloo burst out laughing. “The pants were dead? This guy’s great at comedy!” “Given pants are by their very nature inanimate, what could their bein’ dead possibly mean?” Apple Bloom asked. “Plants?” Sweetie Belle’s suggestion floated through the air. “When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said “John Freeman! Over here!” so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see. Gordon Freeman said “its time to end this ones and for all!” and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said “thanks i could help, bro” and Gordon Freeman said “you should come here earlier next time” and they laughed.” “That was quick,” Apple Bloom shrugged. “All that buildup over in nothin’?” “Ones and for all?” Scootaloo asked. “There’s so much you could take from this!” “The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled “LOOK OUT BRO!” and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said “NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!” and John Freeman walked real fast out. John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry. “I’ll get you back evil boss!” John Freeman yelled at the top of lung.” “Overed quickly?” Scootaloo queried. “That is not a verb.” “And why was John standin’ on a pair of lungs?” Apple Bloom asked. “That simply don’t make sense!” “That’s all for this week!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “See you next week!” She then switched the camera off. “Talk about a cliffhanger,” Scootaloo sighed. “Shall we continue the story next week?” Apple Bloom asked. “Aren’t we at Cozy’s next week?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Let’s see what she thinks!” Author's Note https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs Listen and despair...
...Halo! Halos in Space!It was a cool evening at Sweet Apple Acres. As was typical for a day such as today, three girls could be seen speeding across the apple orchards, past the shed which held the locomotives of their small railway, and into the house itself. Apple Bloom smiled, and wiped her brow. “Well,” she said to her friends, “Ah think today’s been a mighty fine day.” “Yep!” Scootaloo added. “I’d agree with you on that!” The three girls had been out trying out rock climbing at the local park, which had been a lot of fun for the three of them. Well, except Sweetie Belle. “I hope Rarity will be accommodating,” she said, indicating the smudges on her jacket. “You know what she’s like when things are dirty.” “Well that’s rich!” Scootaloo replied. “Didn’t you have to wash her clothes one time because she wouldn’t come out of her room because she was crying over a failed dress she’d made?” The other two girls simply stared at her. “What?” Apple Bloom siged. “Scoots, ya need ta use WAY more commas when ya speak.” Scootaloo just looked utterly confused. “Why would I need to use commas when I speak?” “It makes your sentences easier to understand,” Sweetie Belle replied. “And yes, I did have to wash her clothes. The amount of ice cream stains in them was ridiculous!” “Ya also run live steam on yer layout, don’t ya?” Apple Bloom asked her white skinned friend. Sweetie Belle nodded. “That can get a little smoky at times, but we use methylated spirit to run them, combined with radio control.” Scootaloo grinned. “Sweetie Belle, you are great with technology. It’s no wonder you and Button Mash get along so well!” Sweetie Belle simply blushed. “Thank you,” she replied. “Shall we head up ta mah room?” Apple Bloom said. “We’ve got stuff ta do, remember?” “Oh!” Scootaloo said. “Right.” “Onwards to Adventure!” Sweetie Belle called, and away they went, up the stairs. “Not so loud!” called the voice of Bright Mac. The three girls reached Apple Bloom’s bedroom, where a camera had been set up just above her computer so it could record whatever was looking at the monitor. In addition to their usual hobbies, the Crusaders also ran a YouTube channel, where they uploaded a mixture of music videos, reaction videos, recording of railway related things, and many other recordings. They took turns to record at each other’s houses, and tonight Apple Bloom was doing the honours. “So, what are we reacting to today?” Scootaloo asked, taking off her trainers and sitting on Apple Bloom’s bed. “Is it another wheelslip fails video?” Sweetie Belle added her enquiry to the pile. Apple Bloom looked back over her shoulder. “Well, actually, Ah was thinkin’ we could try somethin’ a little different,” she said. “Namely?” Sweetie Belle asked. There was a pause, as Apple Bloom held her friends in suspense. “Fanfiction!” she said at last. Sweetie Belle clapped her hands, but Scootaloo just looked at her, dumbfounded. “You mean stuff like 50 Shades of Grey?” “I think we’re too young to have read that,” Sweetie Belle added. “Not ta mention it’s just bad,” Apple Bloom said. “From what Ah’ve heard!” she quickly added. Scootaloo shrugged. “That book started life as a Twilight fanfiction, according to Wikipedia.” Apple Bloom turned back to her PC, and typed in her password. There was a momentary pause as the machine logged in, and then the main screen appeared. Apple Bloom clicked on the Firefox icon, and opened a bookmarked page. “Nah, bad fanfiction!” Scootaloo looked at the opened page. “Halo: Halos in Space?” “I’ve never played that game,” Sweetie Belle said. “I bet Button has though.” “Aw, c’mon!” Apple Bloom said to her friends. “It’ll be a hoot! What ya say, y’all?” There was another pause. “I’m in!” Scootaloo said finally. “Me too!” Sweetie Belle called. Apple Bloom reached up to the camera, and set it running. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” There was a pause, before Apple Bloom began speaking again. “Tonight, we are gonna do somethin’ a little bit different. Tonight, and every now and then, we will be reactin’ ta bad fanfiction. Today’s entry is Halo: Halos in Space!” Scootaloo leaned in. “Sheesh, needs an apostrophe.” Sweetie Belle peered at the publish bar. “Published June 6th, 2006? Wow, this one is old.” Apple Bloom spoke up. “Aliens are comin’ ta Joe Cheifs ship and he has ta leave and go ta Halo army base quick?” She shook her head. “What? That don’t make sense!” Scootaloo looked over. “Hey, do you wanna read Sweetie Belle? You’ve got the best public speaking voice.” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat, and began to read. “Joe Chief was in Space and had wepons and was a army guy but he wasn’t a robot liek Master Chief so he didnt fly.” “An army guy?” Apple Bloom ventured cautiously. “OK, I can see this guy has serious issues with spelling, punctuation and grammar.” Scootaloo’s comment rang especially true. “Joe Chief was one day in a place and shooting wepon at targits and then got a call on the space tv in the ship that said to him "JOE CHIEF ALIENS ARE SHOTING AT SHIP COME HERE QUICK" so he went.” Sweetie Belle shook her head. “Talk about breakneck pace.” “And why are the aliens...shoting? Showting? I have no idea how to pronounce that word!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “Joe Chief ran fast there to where bullets were from aliens and took out his wepons and shot at space to hit ships.” “What?” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “That don’t make sense at all!” “Yeah,” Sweetie Belle added. “I get the impression this guy doesn’t do logic.” She then resumed. “Aliens started flying from space into Joe Chiefs ship so he had to do somthing quick. Joe Chief punched a alien and ran fast to get big wepon from the lock room so he went there and got it and shot alien again in teh legs and they fell and Joe Chief shot again and killd them. Joe Chief lookd at dead aliens and said to them "Aliens we are human people and you are aliens but we dont need to kill things like us" and then pushed them into space.” “Well, that speech made no sense,” Scootaloo added. “How did this even pass moderation?” “There is no moderation on Fanfiction.net,” Apple Bloom explained. “It goes straight through.” “Explains why the quality is so crap,” Scootaloo added. “This is terrible.” “Ya think this is bad?” Apple Bloom asked. “Just wait till ya read the next bit!” “After teh normil aliens the flood came and every thing got wet and messy and lightningy becaus water hit teh space tv and all the things and made sparks. After teh aliens sent the flood other aliens with big heads came and Joe Chief had to runaway becaues there was to many of those and they were killing other human people on teh ship.” At the point when they reached ‘wet and messy’, Scootaloo cracked up. “Oh my God this is hilarious!” she cried as she laughed. “Is that even a word?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Ya know, becaues?” “Ah think the author meant, ‘because’,” Apple Bloom admitted. “Besides, ‘and all the things and made sparks’ makes no sense. If we may continue?” "Human people army guys hurry and come in ship!" Joe Chief said to the human people there becaus aliens were killing them and he was in a escape ship and ready to go. 3 other human people came just in time becaus the big ship blew up n they were flying fast in space and going to the Halo to meet the army base and get ready fo tight.” “Ready fo tight?” Sweetie Belle asked. “That sounds like the time when Rarity made some clothes that were a tiny bit too small for me.” “I never knew you could spell ‘because’ so many different ways,” Scootaloo added. “You’ve got a bit of an interestin’ history in that regard,” Apple Bloom said in response. “That was only because somebody asked me to spell ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “You try spelling ‘rhombus’!” “Rohmbus?” Apple Bloom ventured. “If we may get on,” Sweetie Belle said. “And it’s rhombus.” “Joe Chief had to fly fast and go a round tings liek alien ships and things. Then out of no where BOOM happend and the back of the espcape ship fell open n one of the army guys fell out and explodd in space then another one closed it and said "NOOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!" and then got tired and slept.” “Is it normal to describe and explosion using onomatopeia?” Sweetie Belle asked, confused. “Are you some kind of walking dictionary today?” Scootaloo retorted. “Besides, Ah’m pretty certain that is not how ya spell ‘escape’, or how ya spell exploded.” “Besides, do you explode if you fall out into space?” Scootaloo asked. “Actually, you would,” Sweetie Belle continued. “Your skin would inflate as the water evaporated, causing you to-” “Too much information!” Apple Bloom called. “C’mon, we’ve only got three more paragraphs ta read.” “Joe Chief lookd a front of him and seen alien shooting at him so he did a barral roll and teh lasers went around him and went away. Joe Chief sawd the Halo in Space so he put the ship faster and went there quick becaus a lot of aliens were there. Joe Chief shot like "bang bang bang" from teh ship and made aliens blow up and then landed ship on Halo.” “Is this guy just bad at English, or is he a troll?” Scootaloo said. “Because something doesn’t feel right.” “I don’t know,” Sweetie Belle countered. “This somehow feels genuine.” “Joe Chief said to teh other 2 army guys "Were here now get wepon n kill aliens fast" so they did but when they left a ship landed and skwashed them. Human people army guys were all dying fast and Joe Chief had to save them but he didnt know how but then he saw something and went to it and piced it up and said "no we win" to himself.” Scootaloo cracked up again. “I think I’m gonna piss myself from laughing!” she hooted. Apple Bloom shook her head. “Well, he did do that thin’ with the somethin’.” “The pacing is terrible,” Sweetie Belle added. “He didn’t know what to do, then knew what to do?” Apple Bloom looked into the camera. “Well, that’s all fer tonight. See ya next week!” She then stopped the camera. “What did ya think?” she asked. “Can we do more of these?” Scootaloo asked. “That was hilarious!” Apple Bloom smiled. “Sure. Another one, this time next week?” “It’s my house next!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. Author's Note https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKYKXAakmuw Yes, this story really is as bad as it reads.
...Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction!“So,” Scootaloo said, as she kicked off her trainers. Said trainers sailed across the room and hit the wall of Sweetie Belle’s bedroom, leaving a smudge on the wall. Given the wall was painted yellow, this was very noticeable. “Scootaloo!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, shocked. “You’ve made a mess of the wall!” Scootaloo looked around her, her cheeks red. “Oops, sorry.” She then resumed her original line of enquiry. “What have you got for us this week?” Sweetie Belle closed Steam, then opened up her web browser, selecting a page she had bookmarked. “Does this qualify as bad enough?” she asked. Apple Bloom scanned over it, and looked closely. “Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction?” she asked. “Yup, this is bad enough!” She motioned for Sweetie Belle to start the camera. The girls prepared to give their intro. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” There was then an awkward pause. “As ya requested, we are doin’ another piece of bad fanfiction today. The ‘story’, if ya can call it such, is called ‘Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction.’” Scootaloo leaned in to look at the date. “Wow,” she said. “It was published only a few years ago.” Sweetie Belle sighed. “Is it the same guy-” “Or gal,” Apple Bloom interrupted. “-or girl as last time?” Sweetie Belle finished. “Nope!” Scootaloo answered. “This is by a...PeterChimaera. The last one was by SquirrelKing, right?” Apple Bloom nodded her head. “Well, shall we start?” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat, and began to read. “Atuhor’s nose-” Sweetie Belle immediately broke down in laughter. “What does that even mean?” she snorted, through a mass of giggles. “Do they mean ‘author’s note’?” Scootaloo ventured. “Maybe,” Apple Bloom replied. Sweetie Belle had finally composed herself, and resumed reading. “Atuhor’s nose: Uncycylopedia (which is online encyclopidia like wikiped) said I was writing story called Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction and dontn't know where come but I decide to write anyway.” “Uncycylopedia?” Apple Bloom asked. “I think he means Uncyclopedia,” Scootaloo explained. “It’s a satirical website that spoofs Wikipedia.” Apple Bloom simply nodded. “OK then. ‘And dontn't know where come but I decide to write anyway’? That doesn’t even make sense!” “Maybe he forgot to proofread?” Sweetie Belle suggested. “Always proofread your work, especially if someone else proofreads it for you.” Scootaloo grinned at her advice. “Well, that explains how ya put a comma in the middle of the word ‘hello’ in an essay once,” Apple Bloom said in a snarky manner. “Hey!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “That was Microsoft Word messing up!” “Shall we continue?” Sweetie Belle asked. “YEP!” the other two chorused. Sweetie Belle began reading again. “Chapter 1: What it Means.” Sweetie Belle paused. “What a weird title.” She then glanced down, and took a look at the next sentence. “Gordon Freechmen was studying in his was studying laboratoried. Fellow scientist cow-orker Jimm said "Gordon Freemant what are you working on" "UI have discovered new radoactive isatope but it is so vollatile that it does not have a half-life but quarter-life so we must observe with hasty". She stopped. “Seriously!” she exclaimed. “When writing dialogue, put a period or another piece of punctuation at the end of the sentence!” “The importance of speaking in punctuation can NEVER be understated,” Apple Bloom added. Scootaloo looked closer at the screen. “Notice he spells ‘Freeman’ differently each time the word is written,” she observed. “I also wonder what a ‘cow-orker’ is.” “An Ork that looks like a cow?” Apple Bloom suggested. “You’d know more than I would on that,” Scootaloo answered. Apple Bloom glared at her. “First, mah family ain’t farmers. We simply run the orchard on the side. Second, when we were briefly a farm-and that were before Ah were born-we never kept cows. It were pigs.” “That’s where Piggly-Wiggly comes from, right?” Sweetie Belle asked. Apple Bloom glared at her too. “Never mention that again! Anon-a-Miss gave me enough trauma as it was!” “Anyway,” Scootaloo added, “I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty certain that is NOT how radiation works.” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. “Juts then a headcrab went on Jimms head OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM! GHordon wents to get his crowbarb ut it was missing so hhad to borrow a claymore sword. He hits teh headcrab and Jimm was okay but his head was cut”. She shook her head. “Now that is the definition of a run-on sentence.” “I like how the author considers a Claymore to be an improvised weapon,” Scootaloo snorted. “Why’s he throwin’ a ground explosive at Jim’s head?” Apple Bloom asked. “Surely that would kill Jim!” “Not that type of claymore!” Scootaloo called. “The claymore here is a sword, often associated with the Highlanders of Scotland.” “Well, you’d know more about that than me, eh?” Apple Bloom answered. “Just because my mom’s maiden name is MacLeod does NOT make me Scottish!” Scootaloo replied. “So, Jim was OK but his head was cut?” Sweetie Belle asked. “That makes no sense; in fact, that’s a contradiction in terms!” “Ah’m assumin’ that ‘OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM!’ is spoken dialogue?” Apple Bloom asked. “Because there’ no parentheses around it.” Sweetie Belle resumed reading before they could continue the debate. "Watch where you swings at me just kidding thanks" " HAha" They laughed "Whait oh no where id isotop?" "UIt is been stoled!" She simply facepalmed. “Good Lord, what a mess.” Scootaloo leaned in again. “Yeah. So, Jim is laughing even after being cut with a sword? So weird.” “And most of that last sentence has nothin’ ta do with the story.” Apple Bloom looked frustrated with the story already, but they had to finish it. “CHAPTER TWO: THEY REVOCER TEH ISOTROPE BUT THEY DON'T.” Sweetie Belle looked stunned. “What? Was that tiny parcel of text the entirety of chapter one?” “Way to go on telling us what’ll happen in the next chapter!” Scootaloo laughed. “Gordon and Jimm arrived at teh alien scene where a bad guy from the game said "I have take the isotope and it will cause meltdown!" "NO, NOT ALL OF DALLAS!" Which swas target of where they were and it was nice place and my friend lives there.” At that point the three girls just fell about laughing, and needed a moment to compose themselves. “Why tell us that bit about Dallas?” Scootaloo asked. “It completely breaks any immersion we had with the narrative.” “And who is ‘bad guy from the game’?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Anybody who hasn’t played Half-life will have no idea who they mean!” “Oh well,” Apple Bloom sighed. “As if this pile of junk is gonna make a lick of sense anytime soon.” "IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO MY DEMANS" "TOO LATE" and the isotope hit quarterlife and teh room was slowly become vaporize "Ew must escapes out of here fastly" but Jimm was already blowed to smitheroons.” “What on Earth?” Apple Bloom asked. “Ah’m pretty certain that is bad nuclear physics.” “And what is this word?” Scootaloo ventured. “Smitheroons? That is not a word!” “‘Ew must escapes out of here fastly’?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Does he mean, ‘We must escape quickly?’” “Oh well,” Apple Bloom sighed. “One more chapter ta go.” “CHAPTER THREE: DESTRUACTION IS IMMINANT.” Sweetie Belle sighed yet again. “PUNCTUATION! And why is he so concerned about getting distracted?” “Maybe he meant ‘destruction?’” Scootaloo suggested. “God only knows,” Apple Bloom added. “What I’d be without you!” Scootaloo answered. "This is Gordon Freeman how do we contain teh meltdown? I know!" And he used portals to push henemy headquarters into a portal so Dallas wouldnt melt down and it would only go off harmless in Atlantic ocean. "Hooray I scucceeded at winning the mission" "Not so fast, Mr. Gordon". Scootaloo shook her head. “The pacing is WAY too fast. There’s no time taken to develop any of these ideas, at all.” “And what’s with this random ending?” Apple Bloom asked. “It’s not a good way ta end a story, especially one as bad as this.” “That’s all for this week!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “See you next week!” She then switched the camera off. “So, Scootaloo, yer up next,” Apple Bloom smiled. “Got one ready?” “I got just the thing...” Author's Note https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOvglodUIcA Another disaster from the pen of Peter Chimaera.
...Half Life: Full Life ConsequencesOctober, by this point, was wrapping up, and November was making its mark upon the world, especially noticeably in Canterlot. Although snow was yet to arrive (that was usually mid-November, although there was that one time when it snowed in September), the temperatures had dropped somewhat. In was in one home, down Lewis Road, that Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom had gathered, currently huddled around a computer at which Scootaloo was typing into a search engine. “Argh!” she said. “I know I have it somewhere!” “Why not just check yer search history?” Apple Bloom suggested. “My PC doesn’t record it,” Scootaloo replied. “That’s how it was set up.” “That must be a pain,” Sweetie Belle added. “Yeah.” Scootaloo continued typing, with a number of entries coming up. “Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction?” “We did that last time Scoots, remember?” Apple Bloom reminded her. “Oh,” Scootaloo replied. “Right.” She typed in another entry. “Cheerilee’s Garden?” Sweetie Belle looked closer. “Isn’t Cheerilee your Mom’s name?” “Yes, it is,” Scootaloo answered. “So who has been writing stories about her? And we don’t even have a garden!” Just then, the door opened, and in stepped Cheerilee herself. “Hi girls!” she said, with a smile. “You having a good time?” “Yeah!” Apple Bloom replied. “We’re just readin’ bad fanfiction fer our channel!” “Oh!” Cheerilee answered, stepping over. When she saw what was on the screen her eyes widened in horror. “Don’t read that one!” “Why?” Sweetie Belle asked, confused. “Because it is violent and has inappropriate content!” Cheerilee scolded. At that very moment, she realised she was not in the classroom. “Just-don’t.” Scootaloo glanced over. “Did something happen while you were out shopping?” she asked her mother. “Why do you ask?” Cheerilee asked in return. She hadn’t expected such a question. “Because you’re dressed completely differently to how you were dressed when you went out.” Scootaloo had a fair point. Rather than her usual white shirt, brown waistcoat (or vest, depending on who you asked), green skirt and brown boots, she was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt, a much shorter green skirt, and purple platform boots. Her hair was also done up in a completely different way to usual. “Reason I ask is because you look like one of your old College photos.” Scootaloo was almost immediately to the point. Cheerilee sighed. “Well, Rarity’s magic seems to have gone a bit haywire today. I was walking down the street on my way home when suddenly she walked up the street singing something about being the girl you want to be. Then something-magic, maybe?-shot out of her hands and flew in my general direction. One minute, I was dressed as I usually do, the next, I was wearing this.” She paused. “This whole magic thing is getting weird,” Sweetie Belle commented. “One minute, rainbow lasers and flying about, and the next, Rarity can magically change clothing?” She checked her own outfit, to ensure it hadn’t just turned into something else. “Yeah,” Cheerilee nodded. “Please ask your sister to be more careful in public. Now I just hope this wears off-” Just as she said this, another bright light flashed, and there she was dressed as normal. “Speak of Discord, and he shall appear!” Scootaloo proclaimed. “Did somebody say my name?” a voice asked. Cheerilee laughed. “Well, that cleans that one up. I’ll go start work on dinner. Then I have about 30 music exams to mark.” She left the room, her face looking grumpy, and then closed the door behind her. Scootaloo typed in something else. “Masters of the Universe?” Sweetie Belle went pale. “Scootaloo, that’s 50 Shades of Grey." “Maybe not.” The orange-skinned girl typed in something else. “My belo-” “NO!” the other two girls called. Just then, Scootaloo spotted another link. “Half-Life: Full Life Consequences?” She whooped. “Yes! This is the one I was looking for!” Sweetie Belle smiled. “This is the crème de la crème of bad fanfiction. Shall we begin?” With that, Scootaloo started the camera. The light went red, and into the intro they went. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” “As promised,” Scootaloo continued, “we are reading another bad fanfic. This time it is Half-Life: Full Life Consequences, written by none other than Squirrelking, who has been stinking up the internet with his rubbish for nearly a decade!” Apple Bloom looked closer. “Wow,” she said. “This is really old. 2006?” “Check out the description,” Sweetie Belle added, already confused by the bad English. “John Freeman who is Gordon Freemans brother has to do what has to be done and help Gordon Freemen defeat the enemys?” She shook her head. “Ouch.” “John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day an office typing at a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him-” “That must’ve hurt,” Scootaloo observed. “-and aksed him for help so he went.” Sweetie Belle’s jaw hung open. “Well that made next to no sense.” “How can a person be ‘an office’?” Apple Bloom asked. “Surely, ‘in an office’?” “John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform-” Scootaloo chuckled. “Why did he wet the platform?” “Clearly he was drinking too much coffee,” sweetie Belle replied, before continuing. “And wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close.” Her face showed a look of confusion as she read that sentence again. “And normal people close because he was still wearing his office labcoat?” “What does he mean by ‘normal people close’?” Apple Bloom asked. “May be meant that, because he was wearing his office attire, he had to put on civilian clothing,” Scootaloo ventured. “John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said ‘it is time for me to live up to my family name and face full life conseuquences” so he had to go. John Freeman ramped off the building and did backflips and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have wepon.” “We saw that typo back in Halos in Space, remember?” Scootaloo asked. “More evidence this guy is a troll.” “The countrysides were nice-” Sweetie Belle had to stop as she was now laughing too hard to speak. “I’m sorry. “The countrysides were nice and the flowers were singing and the birds and the sun were almost down from the top of the sky.” “Sorry, what?” Scootaloo asked. “Ah don’t think this is gonna start makin’ sense soon Scoots,” Apple Bloom added. “The mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said “its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys”. Stunned silence filled the room at the awfulness of the sentence, so Sweetie Belle continued. “John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.” “Had headcrabs?” Scootaloo asked. “I’m pretty certain headcrabs control a person. It’s not a disease or anything. Is it?” “I cant give you my lisense officer” John Freeman said “Why not?” said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman. “Because you are headcrab zombie” so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking “my brother is in trouble there” and went faster.” “Hold a minute!” Apple Bloom chimed in. “Ah thought he didn’t have a weapon. So how could he shoot the officer?” “Maybe he took the officer’s gun,” Sweetie Belle suggested. “John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw “Ravenholm” with someons writing under it saying “u shudnt come here” so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.” “Even I can spell better than that,” Scootaloo replied. “Went fast again would make more sense,” Apple Bloom said. “John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.” “Well, that’s better than what Joe Chief did with the weapon,” Sweetie Belle said. “Piced it up?” Scootaloo asked. “Language!” shouted a voice from the kitchen. “John Freeman said “Zombie goasts leave this place” and the zombie goasts said “but this is our house” and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.” “They weren’t at piece,” Apple Bloom noted. “True, they were in ‘pieces’, but not at peace.” “Where did he get the explosives from?” Scootaloo asked. “He could hardly have got them from his bike; that’s in pieces as well.” “Maybe he had some on him?” Sweetie Belle suggested. “Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.” Scootaloo burst out laughing. “The pants were dead? This guy’s great at comedy!” “Given pants are by their very nature inanimate, what could their bein’ dead possibly mean?” Apple Bloom asked. “Plants?” Sweetie Belle’s suggestion floated through the air. “When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said “John Freeman! Over here!” so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see. Gordon Freeman said “its time to end this ones and for all!” and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said “thanks i could help, bro” and Gordon Freeman said “you should come here earlier next time” and they laughed.” “That was quick,” Apple Bloom shrugged. “All that buildup over in nothin’?” “Ones and for all?” Scootaloo asked. “There’s so much you could take from this!” “The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled “LOOK OUT BRO!” and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said “NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!” and John Freeman walked real fast out. John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry. “I’ll get you back evil boss!” John Freeman yelled at the top of lung.” “Overed quickly?” Scootaloo queried. “That is not a verb.” “And why was John standin’ on a pair of lungs?” Apple Bloom asked. “That simply don’t make sense!” “That’s all for this week!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “See you next week!” She then switched the camera off. “Talk about a cliffhanger,” Scootaloo sighed. “Shall we continue the story next week?” Apple Bloom asked. “Aren’t we at Cozy’s next week?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Let’s see what she thinks!” Author's Note https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs Listen and despair...
