Horse Divorce

by Flutterpriest

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Shining Armor, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Alternate Universe
Length: 1094

What happens when the rulers of the Crystal Empire are stupid, terrible and get a divorce? Well, alcohol. And trying mostly trying to remember WHY they got a divorce.

What happens when the rulers of the Crystal Empire are stupid, terrible and get a divorce? Well, alcohol. And trying mostly trying to remember WHY they got a divorce.

Part of the B_25 vs Flutterpriest 24 Hour Writeoff

Published 2019-02-02 05:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-02 05:50:02 UTC

Wait, Why Did We Do This?

When Cadance entered her bedroom, after a long, hard day, she found her husband sitting on their bed, his back to her.

“Heya sweetheart!” Cadance said happily. “You would not believe the shit I had to deal with today. Literally! Like. I knew that having a castle staff chili feed would be a risky move. But I did NOT anticipate that tasting all of them for the prize would mean so many BEANS.”

Shining remained silent, refusing to look at his wife.

“Like. I have been farting ALL DAY!” Cadance continued, casually tossing her crown and shit onto some furniture. “I’ve been blaming it on the guards, but like, four of them quit. And that was all of my guards. So I really hope we don’t have terrorists.”

“Cadance,” Shining said seriously.

“And let me tell you about this John Mason I had. Like seriously. It was-”

“Cadance!” Shining growled, looking to Cadance. “I got the divorce.”

A silence fell over the room.

“What?” Cadance asked. “What’s a divorce?”

“I don’t know! But, Like. I got the divorce. It’s done.”

Cadance looks to the window, then walks over towards shining.

“Isn’t that the thing where you were married, and then you aren’t anymore?”

“Yeah, I think.” Shining said. “The ponies used a lot of words that didn’t make sense to me. Like ‘This is a horrible mistake.’ and ‘What? Does Cadance know?’ and ‘Call the news.’ and ‘Are you single?’ but yeah. I think so.”

“Oh.” Cadance said. She held out her hoof. Shining bumped it. Cadance then turned on the spot and Shining smiled widely.

“So, you were married?” Cadance continued.

Shining sat up straight and looked at Cadance in confusion.

“Weren’t we married?” Shining asked. “Cause if we weren’t. Then today’s been some sort of really weird dream. And a really, really long one. Not really a bad one though.”

“OOOH! I love those dreams. Like where you wake up and you really aren’t sure what’s the truth and what’s the dream. So, like, you hurt yourself, but then you realize that you could still be dreaming because that pinch stuff is bullshit. So you know you have to really up the ante, but you’re worried that Mom will be sad if you do something too drastic-”

“Wait, no. What movies are you watching?” Shining interrupted. “That’s messed up. No. We were totally married. Because we have a kid. Everyone knows that when you get married, you automatically get a kid from the government. I think we made that law.”

“Ohhhh riiiiggghht,” Cadance answered. “But. Wait. I thought that was because of all the sex.”

“I thought it was because of abstinence.”

“Are you abstinent?” Cadance asked.

“No?” Shining answered. “Are you?”

“I don’t think so.” Cadance replied. “I have sex with you, so I think that rules me out? I’m not sure. I’ll just say no. Okay. So neither of us are abstinent, and you’re divorced.”

“Yeah.”

“Cool,” Cadance said happily, moving back to the dresser. “So who did you divorce? Is she pretty? Did you have kids”

“Wait, what?” Shining asked. “No, like. We’re divorced.”

“Oooohhh!” Cadance said happily. “There we go. That’s where I was confused. That makes sense. Okay.”

Cadance pulls a brush off her dresser with her magic and began to stroke her mane. Then. She stops. She turns to her husband. Well, used to be husband, once more.

“Wait. No, we’re not,” Cadance replied. “We’re definitely not divorced. We’re definitely married. I remember it happening.”

“Not anymore, apparently. I went to the court today and got papers. And signed them. And that undid years of emotional bonding and attachment.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, that’s what the paper said.”

“Weird,” Cadance said, pulling out a nightgown. “Oh wait. Hold on. Why?”

“Why what?” Shining asked, rising to his hooves.

“Why did we get a divorce again?”

“I don’t know man. You gave me this list of stuff to do, and it had divorce on it.”

“Oh okay.”

Another moment of silence as Shining grabbed a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

“So, I thought we’d celebrate a successful divorce with some champagne and some loud, passionate sex. Maybe some chili.”

"No chili. That dude, Chekov."

"DUDE. CHEKOV WAS THE BEST GUARD."

"Yeah, he quit."

"Wow what a loser."

"Right?"

"Right. Anyway. His chili really messed me up. So no chili please.

"Freaking Chekov's chili."

Another silence filled the room, but then, Cadance's ears perked.

“Wait,” Cadance gasped. Her face grew taught. Her pupils dilated. “Was that the shopping list I gave you last week?!”

“Yeah?” Shining replied, taking a step back.

“DUDE! I WAS SNACKY! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN I’M SNACKY!”

“I’m sorry, I just, like, love you and stuff. And want to make you happy. That’s why I got us a divorce.”

“So, wait. Can divorced couples have sex?”

“Well, yeah,” Shining said, “We’re not abstinent. I think that’s in the sex handbook.”

“Is that the Karma Poontra?”

“Yeah.”

“Good book,” Cadance replied. “I made it mandatory reading for the nation.”

“Good move. This is why you’re a Princess.”

“But wait. I’m still confused why we’re divorced now.”

“It was on the list.”

“But, like. I don’t remember writing that down.”

“Well, hold on. I think I have the list somewhere.”

“Really?” Cadance asked.

“Yeah. We’re royalty. Our assholes are our pockets, remember?”

“Oh yeah.”

So, with a pink glow of Shining’s horn, a list emerged from his rear end, and then unfurled in front of the two of them.

“Pickles. Ice Cream. Cheese Crackers. BOOM. THERE.”

Shining points to a line.

“Horse Divorce.”

Cadance looked to Shining, then back to the list.

“Shining, that says Hors D’oeuvres.”

“Cadance, I don’t speak moonspeak.”

“No, like. That’s actually a common word. It means appetizers. Like chicken wings.”

“Oh,” Shining said. “Well shit. Now I want wings.”

“Yeah, right. Me too.”

A silence fell over the room as Shining stares at the list.

“So, yeah. Now we’re divorced.”

“Now what?” Cadance said.

“Well. I mean. Does this really change anything? We can still sex. We still have kid. We’re royalty.”

“Which basically means rich.”

“Yeah. So. Alcohol!”

“YEAH!” Cadance yells! “AND WE CAN SEX OTHER PEOPLE.”

Shining immediately drops to one knee.

“Cadance, please marry me?”

“Ohmygawsh yeeesss!” Cadance screamed. “This is such a surprise!”

And so, the more things change for our happy couple, the more things stay the same. Probably because they’re really dumb, but because they love each other.

But definitely because they’re dumb.