It’s a normal, average day in Equestria. For you anyway. The rest of the fucking town of Ponyville is in a mild panic.
“Anon, can you please quit internal monologue for, like five seconds and pass me that beaker?”
“Oh, yeah. Sure,” you mutter. You hand a beaker of purple fluid to Princess Twilight, who’s wearing safety goggles and a lab coat, like a good chemistry student. Fucking nerd. She should risk blindness like all of the cool kids. At least, that’s how I got cool in school.
“This is really serious business, Anon,” Twilight continues. “This disease is spreading through Ponyville like-”
“A cold?”
“Well, no, because it’s not a cold, Anon. Jeez. We went over this.”
“Oh, sorry. Your ‘Hoof-in-Mouth Disease.”
“Well, yes. For now. Until we understand what it actually is. Until then, all I can do is keep working my tail off to try and find a cure.”
“Okay, but what I don’t understand is why don’t you have any of the sick ponies here to try your cure on?”
Twilight glares at you incredulously.
“Because Pony experimentation is completely unethical and is heavily frowned upon. Get with the picture.”
“But you had me shove pills up my ass last week and that was completely an experiment.”
“Yeah? Well, you aren’t people. Turn the page of the book for me, my hooves are full.”
“Why don’t you just use your wing fingers?”
Twilight’s ears fold and she takes a deep breath.
“Anon, I’m trying to do serious medical research here. Ponies lives are at stake.”
“But, like,” you say. “As far as I know, the disease just makes ponies hooves into their mouth. How are lives at stake?”
“They could stop breathing! This is very serious!”
You look down to the book in front of her, then back to her. Twilight looks back to the chemicals in front of her and carefully begins to take some of the purple liquid with an eyedropper and put it into a small vial.
“But, like, they have noses.”
Twilight slams her hooves on the table.
“Anon, if you AREN’T going to help me here, then you should leave!”
“Alright! Alright!” you say, taking a few steps back. “I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry that I was, like, saying truthful things. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Twilight sighs and looks across her cluttered, yet organized workbench.
“Yes. I was able to isolate the virus, bacteria… whatever it is into this sprayer.”
“You don’t know what the disease comes from?”
“Pinkie broke my microscope. It’s a long story, and Spike is basically useless. Can you go spray this on plants and small animals when Fluttershy isn’t around so we can figure out if this transfers between species?”
She levitates a bottle into your hands and you look down at it in borderline shock.
“Uh, sure.”
“Good. Now leave.”
You’re lifted off your feet by a powerful purple light, and pushed straight out the door of her lab, down the stairs, across the hall, down more stairs, through the corner of the third library, past where Spike was trying to fap, and right out the front doors. The doors slam loudly in front of you, and then you find yourself standing alone, out in the wide open world, with a contagious, mysterious new disease.
Then, you had an idea. What if… you abused this misplaced trust that Twilight put in you. For laughs. But you, being the wonderful, kind friend that you are, would never do such a thing. Right?
“This is going to be good,” you mumble to yourself with a mischievous grin.
“And so, wonderful citizens of Ponyville,” Mayor Mare says, standing behind a tall podium. “While I know it is a scary thing to know that a new, mysterious disease is ravaging through our little town, I can assure you that there is nothing to worry about.”
You stand to the side of a stage near the center of town, where many familiar, fearful ponies gather to listen to what their fearless leader has to say. Well, not really leader, because that’s Twilight. But, she’s an antisocial nut job, so hey, second place isn’t so bad.
“Princess Twilight is doing her utmost to cure the ailment for those who have already been affected, but fear not! We have sanitation crews patrolling Ponyville at all hours of the day to clear the air of all vile substances, including this terrible disease.”
“EVEN FARTS?!” you yell out.
“Especially farts!” Mayor Mare says triumphantly.
This elicits a cheer from the crowd, whose spirits seem to noticeably improve. You take a deep breath and look around. Well, that was lame. You were just trying to add a little fun to all of this stupid shit. Man, it’s like they wanna live normal lives or something. Haven’t they heard of fun? Haven’t they tried putting a little fun in their lives?
“So, that’s why I am here to proudly say, that while my teams patrol the streets, no pony in this town will be infected by this disease.”
The crowd cheers again. You look from the mayor. Then to the bottle.
You point the bottle at Mayor Mare.
“Oops!” you say, as you pull the trigger. You said oops, so you know it was definitely an accident.
The instant the liquid touches her skin, her eyes dilate until her irises shrink to near non-existence. She raises a hoof high into the air, and plunges it deep into her throat. She falls to the ground instantly as the crowd’s cheers turn to screams. Utter pandemonium erupts as ponies quickly scatter through town square, trying to escape the infection.
“Oh shit, that didn’t go how I expected…” you mutter. Taking a few steps aside, you quickly disappear into the crowd. Well, not so much disappear, because you’re in a world of 3 foot horses. But they have more important things on their mind.
“Well, that got kind of intense,” you mutter. “This is pretty serious. I have the power of nature in my hands. Is it right for me to willy nilly just spray another pony with a disease? Who am I to be the one to decide something like this? I mean. I pretty much did a terrorist act. Against a leading authority figure no less. I’ll probably never really face the repercussions of my actions, but that said, does it make it any less wrong?”
You sigh, staring at the bottle as you walk down the streets of Ponyville towards Sugarcube Corner.
“If I spray another pony, it needs to be for a good reason. I can’t just spray a pony because I think it would be funny. I should spray some plants. Maybe some mice, and call it good.”
As you near Sugarcube Corner, you find a small flower growing out of the ground. You lean over it, and give it a nice spray.
Nothing.
Well, that was lame.
You stand up, and just exiting Sugarcube Corner is Derpy Hooves, carrying a bag as she flutters out of the store. She reaches into the bag and pulls out a muffin. She looks at it longingly, lovingly. Drool escapes the edges of her lips.
So you run up, and spray the SHIT out of her.
The hoof holding the muffin suddenly grows a mind of its own, springing up into the air, the muffin flying away from her, and the hoof shoves itself into her mouth. She looks out at the muffin as it flies away, no free hoof available to reach out for her lost love as it crashes to the ground, getting a little bit dirty.
One second passes. Two. Then three more.
The five second rule passes, and the muffin is now inedible.
“Fucking classic,” you mutter as Derpy’s ears fold down and you sprint away.
You know who can probably just… fix all of this shit? A real medical professional.
You know what you need? A good lay.
So, naturally you head to the hospital to try and kill two birds with one stone. You run, excited at the prospect of being able to see that hot, white nurse pony. Not that the fact she’s white is important, it’s just, like, a description. To be honest, it’s the pink hair. Pink hair gets your dick -ROCK- hard. Like, you’d totally let her take your temperature. If you know what I mean? Like. With an anal thermometer.
Okay, that got weird.
But anyway. As you make a turn towards the hospital, you decide the quickest way to get there would be to pass the good ol’ Ponyville lake. And ‘lo and behold, who seems to be slacking off but the Apple family!
“Heya, Anon!” AJ calls out to you. “Comin' for a swim?”
“Not now, AJ! I’ve got MEMES to do!”
“What the hay is a meme?!” she yells back.
“Sis, I’ve told you a million times-” Applebloom says, paddling through the water.
“Not now, Applebloom. The adults are talking.”
Applebloom sighs and dips under the water.
“It’s not important!” you yell back. “I just need to get to the hospital before I’m out time.”
“Alright! Just be sure not to trip!”
“Why would I trip?!” you call.
“Well, it just seems like a really inconvenient thing to do right now!”
“Yeah! I’d be inclined to agree!”
“Eeyup!” agrees Big Mac.
“Darn tootin!” nods Granny Smith in a ducky floaty.
Applebloom comes up for air, and you trip on your face. The spray cap on top of the sprayer busts off and a huge amount of fluid splashes RIGHT on Applebloom’s face. Applebloom gasps loudly for air, and shoves a hoof DEEP down her throat before she sinks like a rock deep into the lake.
“OH SHIT,” you shout.
“APPLEBLOOM!” Applejack screams as she dives into the lake.
“IMGOINGTOGOTOTHEHOSPITAL,BYE.”
You snatch the bottle and spray top and haul ass to the hospital.
Nurse Redheart sighs, staring across the desk from an older mare. She sits in an old, yellowing chair, her face staring blankly into her hooves.
The nurse opens her mouth, not sure how to start.
“This is my least favorite part of my job… I hope you know,” she says compassionately.
The mare looks up to meet eyes with Redheart. Red looks away down to the papers in front of her.
“We got the test results back.”
“Just tell me, Nurse Redheart,” the mare says. “How bad is it?”
“Well,” Nurse says. “I’m afraid that you have-”
Just then, you bust into the room.
“NURSE REDHEART I REALLY FUCKED UP,” you shout.
You thrust the bottle of Hoof in Mouth disease forward, making the final drops of liquid fly through the air, then drips onto Nurse Redheart. Who does about what you’d expect.
However, the mare is completely distraught.
“I HAVE WHAT?! NURSE! TELL ME! WHAT DO I HAVE?!”
The mare turns to you with a hateful glare in her eyes.
“IF I DIE BECAUSE OF YOU-”
“Ohshit-”
You slam the door closed, and hold your back against it.
“Twilight was right!” you groan. “This is awful! I’m not to face the consequences of my actions! I can’t survive a stern talking to!”
Just then, a very disgruntled purple alicorn princess flies into the hospital.
“ANON! WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!”
“Oh heck.”
Twilight locks eyes on you and bolts toward you.
“I TOLD YOU PLANTS AND ANIMALS ONLY!”
“Ponies are animals.”
“PONIES ARE PEOPLE.”
“I mean, I’m technically a person too, but-”
“I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ETHICS,” Twilight screams.
“Isn’t that literally how-”
“I’ve cleaned up after you ALL DAY! APPLEBLOOM ALMOST DIED!” Twilight growls. “You’re lucky I accidentally discovered a cure, because the havoc you’ve caused is almost unforgivable.”
“Oh, wow,” you say. “Well, I’m really proud of you for finding a cure. You’re a really smart pony.”
“BUTTERING ME UP AND COMPLIMENTS WON’T WORK THIS TIME!”
“Not even a hoof rub?”
Twilight pauses, and thinks for a moment.
“Well- Wait. NO! I’m going to go fix whatever’s behind that door you’re clearly trying to avoid. And then we’re going to have-”
“No.”
“A long.”
“Please don't.”
“STERN.”
“Anything but that please.”
“TALK.”
Your instincts go into immediate fight or flight mode. Body! Think! Fight!
You punch the fuck out of Twilight. She falls to the ground. Out cold.
The ponies in the hospital stare at you.
“OH SHIT!”
And with that, you ran out of the hospital as fast as you could. Chances are that Twilight is probably going to kill you later, but you learned a very valuable lesson today. But, you suppose that’s your fault. After all, you really let things get out of hand. Hoof. Fuck. I give up.
