Gone, but not Forgotten...
Author's Note
This story is heavily based on a true experience I had when I was seeking support for my emotional problems. It was inspired by the author FlutterPriest. Hopefully it will provide me and some of the others reading this some sort of relief.
Gone, but not Forgotten...
Sunset adjusted the camera connected to her computer. She'd used it many times in the past, but this time was different. Her expression was much more grim and remorseful than anyone had ever seen. Setting up her emulator for a gaming session, she took a deep breath and began speaking.
"I wasn't really sure when I would talk about this. I guess it was sort of a long time coming."
The chat exploded in a frenzy of endless messages. Sunset was hoping her regular watchers would show up today.
"I first started attending Canterlot High about a year ago. Up until that point, I had been receiving special instruction from a tutor. For some reason, I felt extremely frustrated for not obtaining the knowledge and power I was looking for. I started straying away from her teachings and went my own way. I made a huge mistake and ended up causing a lot of people misery."
Upon reading the text flooding the side of her screen, she noticed the other users were acting sympathetic. Truth be told, she expected them to ridicule her to the ends of the earth, but that didn't happen.
"I was lost in a really dark place, and I knew that. When I first started learning about the resources available for guidance and counseling, I joined an online community with over 6000 people. The founder was an easygoing, laid back guy who was really into ambient and experimental rap music. I started listening to everyone else's stories. Many of them had been through way worse stuff than I had. I mostly kept to myself, but I would post from time to time if I had a really bad day."
The option to select a character name appeared after a few lines of dialogue.
"The reason I'm playing Shadow Hearts today is to create a memorial file for one of the members."
Taking a drink of water and staring down at her desk, she selected the name "Ari Bear" for the female character, followed by the initials "(SK)".
"I never got the chance to talk to her, so I couldn't ask her her real name, but she went by two pseudonyms; Ari Bear and Shotgun Kitty. She was a good friend of the group leader. To this day, I still don't know what happened. The night she passed away, the founder did a stream of his own. By the time I got there, he was already in tears. Everybody who knew her was heartbroken by the news. The emotion must have been spreading out like a wildfire. The last thing I remember after that was crying my eyes out and waking up the next morning. I don't know if it was because of the shared cause or my reaction to seeing the leader cry for the first time, but I lost all sense of hope. There weren't any words for the pain I was in. I visited her profile several times after that. She seemed like a nice person, and that made it even harder to take in."
The exasperation hit Sunset like a train. The chat was gradually filling up with sad face emoticons.
"I tried to cut myself off from the pain of seeing so many people suffer at once. I ended up deluding myself into thinking I was handling it okay."
Sunset suspected at this point many of the users wanted to DDoS her stream just to keep everyone from getting too upset, and she believed that would have been as justified as recounting the events in the first place, but she needed to put her thoughts out there for her own sake.
"I went down a self-destructive path to try to cope with it. I genuinely believed if tragedy could be inflicted on good people, what was the point of trying? Short of committing felonies, I did everything I could to drive everyone away. The thought of one more day of sadness like that felt like torture. Actual medieval punishment probably would've been preferable. Nobody should ever have to lose their friend, girlfriend, sibling; anyone they care about. It's just not fair..."
Wanting to end the discussion before she broke out in tears, she composed herself to the best of her ability.
"I want you guys to know that I do care. Your life matters more than you could ever possibly know - maybe not to some divine deity, but it does to me. If I had the power to change things, there's no doubt in me I would. I tried to run away from my demons, and they almost swallowed me whole. We can't keep living with hollow hearts while we confine ourselves to our cliques. That's not the way humanity is supposed to work. I would hope that says a lot coming from me."
Sunset proceeded through the game without saying much else for the remainder of the stream.
Having to discuss unfortunate events from her personal history really bummed Sunset out, and it showed in her face and body language. Her body became heavier, and her frown was perpetual in nature. The next morning, she went to school, hoping no one would notice the bleakness in her demeanor. Without realizing it, she'd stumbled across Twilight and the rest of the group.
"Sunset, are you okay?"
"Oh. Hey, Twilight..."
"We watched your stream yesterday. I've never seen you look so sad before..."
"You probably think I'm a whiny brat now."
"What you said was right. I can't believe I failed to recognize it from the very beginning."
"What do you mean...?"
"Somewhere along the way, we isolated ourselves and hoped our problems would go away on their own, but that's not how the world works at all."
"You think I did the right thing?"
"On an intellectual level, I can't be sure, but on an emotional level, that's how I feel. Your maturity far outclasses mine. Now I know why Celestia chose you as her student before I came along."
"What about all the things I did?"
"It was your moment of weakness. There isn't any one correct way to cope with loss. Our brains respond to trauma individually. You were bound to break without a viable support structure."
"I'm sorry..."
"So am I..."
The two former enemies joined together in a tight hug. For once in her life, Sunset felt she was on the right path; a path no one could dissuade her from as long as she continued breathing.
