Warhammer 40K: Desk Marine, the Equestrian Vacation.
*BANG* The body hit the floor. The killer was a 8ft man in a robe, twin scars flowing down his face, and over his eyes. The robe had golden lining on the sleeve ends and the part of the garment that folded over itself. He was holding a Bolt Pistol. It was a thick box with a comparatively small handle. It had a double-headed eagle, the insignia of the Imperium of Man. The gun had a main paint job of white. It fired .75 caliber 'bolts', or, more appropriately bullet-speed rockets that exploded inside the enemy. Beside him was a big motherfucker, Khorne. He was 10ft tall and covered in very thick armor, skulls, both real and fake present everywhere on the armor. He was also blanketed in the blood of those he's slain. Said big motherfucker threw his head back and pulled out a Chainsword and a Heavy Boltor, revving the sword and firing the Boltor into the ceiling at a diagonal angle. "DEATH! GUNS! VIOLENCE!!!!" The Chaos god shouted, as the Space Marine, known as Desk Marine (A nickname, a.k.a. the name he remembers) shook his head disappointingly while closing his eyes. He opened them and began to walk down the long, wide hall, spitting on the corpse as he walked by it. Khorne shredded it while laughing maniacally. Desk Marine was walking fairly fast, his shoes making sharp sounds on the floor. Khorne caught up and was humming the Angry Marine song, 'Fuck you, and fuck everything that you do'.
"So, what's going to happen once we get out of this shit hole?" Khorne laughed, but not before blasting the shit out of an Imperial Guard.
"We're going to teleport your ass to a....ugh, peaceful planet." It said, spitting the word 'peaceful'. "Personally, I'd like to rile that place up, but the local deity would kick my ass." Desk Marine raised an eyebrow.
"Local deity?" Khorne groaned.
"Ugh, I hate that horse woman. Never thought a redhead could match me." Desk Marine was now confused, What kind of god was a horse?
"A...horse god?" Khorne nodded in confirmation.
"The only reason we're even allowed to put you in that world is because of your shitty life. You're going to have to talk to her first, though." Desk Marine nodded.
"Okay." Silence reigned like Slaanesh in the bedroom for a few minutes. It was broken by Desk Marine sighing. "I can't believe I'm finally leaving this place. 8 years. 8 years of paperwork, and it's over." Khorne threw his armored, blood-coated arm over Desk Marine's soldiers.
"You better fucking believe it! It was fucking difficult as shit to get that horse woman with a nice ass to let us warp you to her world." They walked through the massive doors to see a bunch of Chaos Space Marines slaying the local guards. Slaanesh was standing in the middle of the Marines. She clapped joyously when she saw Desk Marine. She floated up to him, and threw an arm over his shoulders and looked at the horizon.
"Hey, look! You're finally escaping your job! Aren't you happy?" Desk Marine nodded. She hugged him, pressing her chest against his. While a regular man would've blushed hard, he simply patted her a few times on the head. She drew back, a huge smile on her face. "Are you ready for your vacation?" Desk Marine nodded once again, and she squealed girlishly in happiness. Khorne and Slaanesh stood a few meters away from him. They both pulled out a scroll and unraveled it. After saying a few words that Desk Marine couldn't understand, they tore the scrolls in half simultaneously. A white aura encased Desk Marine, and, as wind swirled out of nowhere, blowing Slaanesh's hair back as she waved heartily, a massive, excited smile on her face. Desk Marine floated into the air a few meters. A extremely bright flash exploded out from the aura, and Desk Marine was gone....
Desk Marine was in.....a white void of some sort. 'Had it worked?' he wondered, but before he could contemplate further, an annoyingly bright flash came out of nowhere, followed a the sudden appearance of a....horse? Was this the god? She landed on the void, her large wings folding to her sides. Her......hair? Wait, mane was red and banged. She had a long horn and very large eyes. "Hello, human. I am Faust." Desk Marine bowed his head, but did not make any further actions.
"And I am Desk Marine, but I suppose Khorne told you that?"
"Yes, he did. I do not like him very much. He was staring at my," She blushed. "Flank the entire time. It made me uncomfortable." She shivered slightly. "Anyways, I'm sure you want to start your vacation?" Desk Marine nodded. "Okay. There's a few rules. Don't kill unless it's in self-defense and absolutely necessary. No sharing technology with any race. No exceptions. Last, don't try to take over a nation of any kind."
"Understood." Faust nodded and touched his forehead with her horn. Desk Marine was hit with another annoyingly bright flash.
Desk Marine opened his eyes to see a dark blue horse staring at him in curiosity. He was currently laying in a grassy field, and it was quite dark. It was night time. He began to get up, and the horse backed up a bit. Once he was standing straight, Desk Marine dusted of his robes and bowed his head in her direction. "Greetings. I assure you, I mean no harm." The horse's eyes widened. She took an aggressive stance and shouted at him.
"Who are you, creature?!" Desk Marine took a second. Then he spoke.
"I am Desk Marine, a human. What is your name?" The horse relaxed, then drew back triumphantly.
"I am Princess Luna of Equestria! I am an alicorn pony!"
"Good. Now, where is the nearest settlement?"
Author's Note
As you can guess, I took some big fucking liberties with the WH 40k canon. It's for the sake of simplicity in description. Just try to describe this poor bastard:
