Saintly

by MurderosLordofEdgetopia

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Comedy, Profanity, Adventure, Discord, Violence, Crossover, Death, Narcotics, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2096

The Butcher of Stilwater is now a pretty pastel pony, This can only end well.

Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia, Element of Magic and Alicorn Princess of Friendship. Nightmare Moon, Discord, Sombra, Tirek or even a little filly, this esteemed mare had vanquished them all in the name of Harmony!

This story has nothing to do with her. You see, this particular pretty purple pony make a habit out of burying overprivileged brats alive and stuffing unpleasant mares in trunks so their coltfriends will accidentally run them over with gigantic steel carriages. Come! Take a seat and make yourself comfortable. This story is fun for the whole family!

Oh and I lied.

Published 2019-02-12 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-12 01:30:01 UTC

I like humans. Humans are cool. Equestria need more humans.

Harmony and chaos, day and night, light and darkness. You ponies all know the tales by now; an endless struggle since the dawn of civilizations. In this corner, we have Celestia! The Solar Diarch, Princess of Daylight. In the other is yours truly, Discord! Lord of Chaos and of Not Having A Stick Up Your Flanks.

Aren’t you bored of always hearing the tales from one side? Don’t you want to know how it is on the other side? You already knew about how the brave and virtuous avatars of Harmony came together time and time again to barf rainbow and friendship all over my schemes, but don’t you want to know how those schemes came to be, how they grew and took root before the inevitable foiling?

Make yourself comfortable, my little pony. You may just learn something.

__________

Our story begin not too long ago (relatively), on a planet not so far away (for one separated by the veil between realities). On this peculiar planet, which rotates around its sun as dictated by the cruel and tyrannical will of physics, exists only one sapient species called humans. Much like their own planet, humans are also a peculiar bunch: they has no magic of any kind. Yes! The sky is not their canvas, the earth not their ally, and the fabric of raw arcane will never be their to wield. In fact, they has no immortal deity to hold their hand every step of the way.

“But how!?” I hear you ask, terror filling your adorable equine heart, “How can somepony live without absolute control over the world around them? How can somepony go about their day without an almighty godly mother-figure to tell them what to think?”. Oh but they manage! They manage quite well, in fact. As for the how, well… do you know those foals in the playground who repeatedly smash their face into a rock to show how tough they are and why nopony should mess with them? Humans self-governance is sorta like that.

Upon this planet exists a nation called America, the shining paragon where humanity's greatest qualities congregate and my therefore favorite vacation spot. It was on one such trip that I found myself in a wonderful city called Stilwater, named for the grand lake upon which it was built. That, my friend, was a city with character. There's a saying that variety is the spice of life, and Stilwater has spice by the shovels.

On my third night there, I found myself in what they call a strip club. Humans have this obsession with clothes, see, and to go without it is considered erotic. So a strip club is where one would go to pay for seeing pretty specimens baring themselves.

Aside from medium, it wasn't very different from the equivalent Equestrian enterprises, truth be told. There were liquor, drugs, music, dim lightning. Everything you'd expect. But what it lacks in novelty, it made up for in patrons. Well, patron. A woman, to be specific, sitting alone in a booth with her legs on the table.

Most would be stricken by the tattoos. They covered her right arm: a red wolf head, a yellow river serpent, a black and green human skull, and a brown cogwheel-sun. The fifth was a purple fleur-de-lis which she bore on her neck

But I am not most. Do you know how ponies sometime develops special senses pertaining to their cutie mark? Well this has nothing to do with that, but for yours and the story’s sake, we shall say it’s close enough.

What mattered was that I smelled blood on her. So, so much blood. An oceanic amount of blood. It’s like she was an abattoir for vampires.

And if you don’t know what an abattoir it, I highly implore you to seek answer on that fascinating piece of Gryphon history from Princess Celestia.

I couldn’t resist. How could I? I'm not much of a slaughtering draconequus, no. I prefer subtler things, but before this sultry temptress with mane of fire and perfume of war, my mismatched heart doth quivered. What could poor Discord do but to surrender himself?

So I made my approach with in a sauntering gait. Much like in Equestria, the form I took here was indeed stunning and absolutely irresistible. A true shining example of desirability. To top off my immaculate physique was the finest, most avant garde fashion. It was only inevitable that she would take notice.

“I don’t know where the renfaire is.” Oh, but her voice was angelic, like a dragon’s. Her breath was like a dragon’s too, but only from before the Celestia-Torch Concord was signed.

“Oh, but why would I seek the renfaire?” He answered, taking a seat in her booth “After all, I doubt I will find such a scintillating sight there as I did here.”

Silence fell like an executioner’s axe, and I didn’t need I to tell the patrons’ gaze were upon me. A most terrible transgression, I made. My gruesome fate, they awaited

She stared at me and, upon realizing my intention, stared some more.

“Oh?” She turned toward the stage. “Want one of them? I'm sure you can afford a night.”

“No offend to our belles tonight,” I bulldozed through the offered exit. “but my eyes are upon the moon and not just any star.”

Low murmuring claimed the silence like carrions over corpse. If I focus on them, I could make out the rustling of bills changing hands as more I'd wagers were made. However, my attention was wholly upon the beauty opposite to me, specifically on her left eyebrow which has risen slightly over the right. That's right! Visible emotion. Your Lord of Chaos still got the touch.

“And how the fuck are you gonna get up here, Armstrong?”

I put on my most winningest of smirk and reached into my sleeves, the fabrics providing a convenient layer of mystique for me to weave chaos. This world had no magic, yes, but it was also incredibly suffused with untapped chaos. From this inchoate primordium, I weaved two decks of cards. Cardboards encased in plastic sheath, with a brown vortex on their back.

“You’re shitting me,” The bloody angel declared. Both of her brows were raised by now and confusion were written plainly on her face.

“What make you say that?” I asked, one hand tapping my chin while the other expertly shuffled the deck. “Now, ladies first!”

She eyed the deck before her before drawing five cards. Once her initial misgiving passed, she only needed half a second to asset the hand fate dealt, and a tenth to act upon it. Thunder cracked and light blossomed five times in a staccato of death, the sound alone had the lesser things around us cowering.

I made sure to wait for the smoke to clear, it wouldn’t be proper otherwise. Once our views of each other was no longer obscured, a little box appeared next to my chest, unseen by all but us. In it, the number 4000 counted down until it reached 3500.

“A decisive move,” I complimented her as I made a show of considering my retaliation. Really, with my hand, there was only one course of action. “For my turn, I summon Blue Eyes White Dragon in attack mode!”

“Wait! That’s not even le-” And that was as far as she got before a two story dragon busted a hole through the building.

Did I say I wasn’t a slaughtering draconequus? Well that wasn't all! I’m actually Mi Amore Cadenza, Princess of Love and I’m here to teach you how to handle a relationship. Lesson one: if you and your significant other disagree on something, you should find a compromise.

__________

“Not as wonderful as Friendship!”

All good things come to an end, I suppose. I just didn’t want it to end like this, with me staring at purple, pink, white, yellow, blue, and orange. I’d prefer just white, and as pretty as Rarity’s coat was, she was no Celestia.

“Oh, this again?”

O Celestia, Celestia! Wherefore art thou Celestia? Why did the Lady of Light and Harbinger of Harmony left our ballad to these foals? But silly Discord, You knew the answers to all this! Here, let me ask something I didn’t know.

Do you think Celestia sneered at herself in the mirror like the elements did her when they ripped themselves from her soul?

“You know what I've learned, Discord?”

You know what I’d learnt in Stilwater that night, Twily? A sufficiently athletic human is, pound for pound, one of the most physically tenacious creatures on their planet. I’d recommend the experience to you but I’m sure you have curfews.

What came after that was some banters on Friendship, Harmony and other such diabetic things. I flexed my magical muscles, and Twilight Sparkle flexed hers. If you’re really interested in this part, I’m sure Sunbutt keep a window of this somewhere. What mattered was that I returned to my throne and resigned to putting up a good show for the inevitable rainbow.

What? Did Celestia tell you that my eyes, ears and brains were still petrified. Even if they did, my skin, scales and feathers would still crawl under the Harmony boiling in my domain. No, I could see very well that the Bearers were through with their little phases. They snapped out of it surprisingly quick too, but then again Twily did cheated and used magic on them.

Well, I did too, but only on Fluttershy. A wise mare once said, “An eye for an eye make the world blind, and if you go five for one then you will be blind and rude.”

But I digress. Yes, I did see Twilight's friendshippifying beam coming, and I resigned myself to it. She actually didn't pause for a second to consider my nonchalance, by the by. I would call it quaint, but Celly apparently decided it was a good enough story for you ponies, so what do I know?

Now why would I give up my freedom so easily after a thousand year in stone? It was not a pleasant accommodation, oh no. I can demonstrate it if you wish. We'll start by gauging out your eyes and puncturing your ear drums! No? I promise you won't feel anything during the procedure, or afterward for that matter. Still no? Thought so.

The less than agreeable condition of my confinement aside, this dance of Harmony and Disharmony had grown rather stale, see. I am not the first Spirit of Chaos, and those six lovely mares weren't the first Bearers. It was fun with Celly and Woona, but now they won't even try to shoot me in the face. Oh the passage of time is most cruel!

So, I decided I'd rather cut to the chase this time. Our ballad had been running for more than a thousand years, and now it was a good time as any for a curtain call. Beside, I had a sneaky to pull this time.

You want to know what it's like for your favorite draconequus to be hit with the Elements of Harming Me? Imagine going through what I described previously, but slowly, while acid is injected into your veins, while stuck in a vacuum spell. The last part is crucial here: the Elements suck, both I general and in that I can't spread myself out and become intangible. Once they get working, they will gather all that is Discord into one cohesive form, before condensing me into a convenient, stony package.

But what if a little piece of Discord somewhere very, very far away? The Elements’ reach are long, but even they have trouble reaching across the ever shifting sea of chaos between realities. They can still exert some influence, enough to retrieve that wayward piece, even. But not enough to finish the job.

Cutting off a piece of myself in a way that we would be seperated yet whole hurt, getting Friendshipped hurt even worse, and having my soul splorted out of my body like a banana out of its peel was also unpleasant. However, all of that hardly seemed important when I was zipping across Equestria enjoying the feeling of not being encased in unmoving, unfeeling stone for another thousand bloody years!

Let me tell you, it was a good feeling. Definitely recomend it.

"What. The fuck?"

Oh! And my favourite human was here with me too! Everything was looking up for old Discord.