20,000 Legumes Under The Sea

Trust in Twilight to make everything complicated.

The first part of her flight had been in first class. A triumphant return heralded by the most extravagant luxuries was just what she needed to soothe away her aches and pains, and meditate on the new direction her life was going.

Thirty two hours and four layovers later, not only had she been downgraded to coach, but the final stretch of her journey involved a shuttle out into the backcountry, where she was dropped off at a dirt runway. It proudly featured a rickety old hangar that could more adequately be described as a shack, a rickety old puddle jumper, and a rickety old salt of a man who insisted on being referred to as ‘The Captain.’

Sunset’s legs wobbled as she climbed out of the old seaplane, grateful for the relative stability of the dock beneath her. Her vision swam in all of its one sided glory, and the contents of her stomach threatened to become fish food, but she held it together.

For now, anyway.

“You sure this is the right place?” Sunset asked, looking up, They’d disembarked alongside what appeared to be a giant oil platform in the middle of the ocean, though large portions of it were still under construction. Maybe she’d heard wrong, and this was supposed to be an industrial park, and not an amusement park.

“Yarr, little missy,” The Captain growled, his voice the timbre of an ocean storm. He brought fingers gnarled like genetically inferior root vegetables up to scratch a beard that was probably more salt then hair, and then spat into the sea. “I best be on my way now. The sea bears ill tidings on this day. Beware what comes from the deep.”

With a cloud of exhaust, the little plane turned and ambled off into the waves, barely managing to clear a rock outcropping and heading shakily back towards land.

Sunset hoisted her duffel bag up over her shoulder. “Right.”

it didn’t take long to climb the stairs up to the top of the platform proper. People in yellow vests and hard hats milled about under the din of construction equipment. And ahead, in the center of the platform, casting its shadow upon her, rose a long, cylindrical and rounded tower that looked exactly like Sunset expected it to.

With a sigh, Sunset shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. “You know, Twilight,” she said out loud to nobody in particular. “Normally when guys make giant, dick shaped buildings it’s because they have something to prove. What’s your excuse?”

She thought about asking one of the construction workers for directions, but knew that at the end of the day, there was only one place to go. Her instinct was proven correct after a minute of walking, when she caught a familiar blue face running towards her, arms waving in the air.

“Sunset!” Rainbow Dash called out, face lit up like a kid at Christmas. “Holy crap, you actually made it!” She skidded to a stop in front of Sunset, and before any more time could be wasted on words, wrapped her arms around Sunset in a bone crushing hug.

It hurt, sending twinges of pain through Sunset’s still recovering injuries, but honestly she barely even minded. She returned the hug with as much force as she could muster, euphoria spreading through her at the sight of a long missed friend. “Hey. Good to see you, Rainbow Dash. It’s been too long.”

Rainbow Dash pulled out of the hug, though not before slapping Sunset on the arm several times for good measure. “Man, you have no idea how much things have—” Rainbow Dash’s gaze fell upon Sunset’s face, and she did a double take. “Oh, no freaking way! I was right! The girls are gonna flip when I tell them about this.”

Sunset winked, and tilted her head to the side. “Tell them about what?”

“Everyone’s been wondering about what you were doing, wherever you were, and my thought was always that you were off sailing the seven seas plundering ships and stealing mad booty. But no, everyone was all like ‘that’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard Rainbow Dash,' and ‘pirates aren’t even real’. But look at you!”

It took several moments for Rainbow Dash’s words to sink in, until it finally clicked and Sunset snorted with laughter. She reached up to touch her still injured eye. She’d replaced the tacky bandage with an eyepatch from a children’s pirate costume that she’d found in an airport gift shop. Well, Captain Sunset certainly fit the atmosphere. “I suspect my affinity for nautical adventures might be a bit lesser than you imagine, though I did end up keel-hauling my fair share of scallywags, if you catch my drift.”

“Really? Thought you weren’t into that. But hey. Niiice.” Rainbow Dash raised her fist.

Of course Rainbow Dash thought it had something to do with sex. Correcting the misconception wouldn’t be worth it, in the long run. She grinned, and returned the fistbump. “Speaking of things that kick ass, I hear you’re a dad now. That’s pretty kickass.”

Rainbow Dash’s swagger dimmed, and she rubbed at the back of her head. “Oh, you know. It’s pretty cool, I guess.”

“Fizzlepop Berrytwist, right? How’s Tempest taking all of it?”

“Eh. When Tempest first saw Little T—I call Fizzlepop ‘Little T’— her eyes got all wide and she vanished in a puff of logic.”

“Oh.” Sunset felt her heart sink. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know her all that well, but I suppose—”

“Of course, she re-appeared in another puff of logic like thirty minutes later, only with a burrito in hand.”

“Um…”

Rainbow Dash furrowed her brow. “I think she might have just left to get a burrito.”

“Of course.” Sunset laughed, and rubbed at her forehead. All of this would have given her an aneurysm just a few short weeks ago, but after the Blood Dome… it just felt normal. Nostalgic, even. “So, what’s this park like anyway?”

“Beats me.” Rainbow Dash shrugged, and gestured vaguely over her shoulder at the looming dicktower. “I’ve never been inside yet. Twilight just asked me to come here and take the preliminary tour with you.”

Sunset pursed her lips. “Really? I would’ve assumed she’d have gotten everyone else's opinion before trying to track me down. Is she here?”

“Maybe? Either she went down already and is gonna meet us there after the tour, or she had to run and get something and will catch up. Can’t remember. Either way, she didn’t want to color our first impressions or anything.”

“Huh.” Sunset stared up at the dick tower, then adjusted her duffel bag on her shoulder. “Well, no time like the present. I’ll admit, I’m actually kind of curious.”

Rainbow Dash gave her an odd look as they started walking towards the tower. “I don’t remember you being so chill about Beanis. Usually you’re like, way grumpier and swearing about it, or talking about how you could really use a drink.” She paused for a second, then a pained look crossed her face. “Man, I could really use a drink.”

“Yeah, well.” Sunset rolled her shoulders. “I had a big epiphany in the Blood Dome, you know? Life’s too short, and in my own way, I’m just as crazy as the rest of you. No sense fighting it.” They passed into the shadow of the beantower, which probably made for an excellently dick shaped sundial, and a shiver ran up Sunset’s spine. “If you want a drink, though, I have a six pack I snagged from a bartender in Fiji. Local delicacy, rare treat. It’ll be lukewarm, but hey. Beer is beer.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes lit up. “Dude, hook me up! Fluttershy doesn’t want me drinking around the baby. Which is pretty much all day every day. This is the first time I’ve really been out and about for a while, you know?”

Sunset winced, then stopped and unzipped her duffel bag. “Everything I’ve ever heard suggests newborns are rough. My condolences, but I’m sure the hard parts will pass by soon enough.” She found what she was looking for, then tossed a can to Rainbow Dash and grabbed a can of her own. “Drink up.”

“Uh, I thought you said this was fancy beer from Fiji.”

“I got it in Fiji, yeah. Why?”

“This is PBR.”

Sunset grinned. “It’s a local delicacy, because they think it’s some kind of American delicacy. I didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth.”

“Huh.” Rainbow Dash shrugged, popped the top, clinked her can against Sunset’s, then they both took a long swig.

“Eugh.”

“God that’s disgusting.”

They looked at each other, and laughed.

When they got closer, the tower itself seemed to be covered in a sheathe of a fleshy, bean-like material, because of course it was. A slit in the side opened up as they approached, and an unfamiliar female voice boomed out over unseen speakers.

“Welcome to Beantopia, Sunset Shimmer and Rainbow Dash! Please enter the lobby, and your journey to an underwater wonderland of magic and enchantment awaits!”

The door opened into a massive antechamber, dominated entirely by queueing lines strung up to cover the entire floor. LCD monitors lined the walls, likely to play continuous advertisements for sex toys to a hypothetical waiting crowd.

Sunset stepped over one of the velvet ropes, disregarding proper etiquette. “Looks like Twilight’s expecting a big crowd. How exactly are people supposed to get here, anyway? The Captain isn’t exactly set up for mass transit.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “The who? I assume they’d just take the ferry, like I did.”

“The what now?”

“You know, the ferry. Arrives on the hour every hour? It’s super nice actually, I think it’s like luxury or something. You get free shrimp.”

That old spark of anger flared up in Sunset. “Son of a bitch!” she roared, and kicked over a queue stand. It toppled lamely in defiance of her dignity.

Rainbow Dash scratched at her head. “Isn’t that how you got here too?”

“Freaking useless GPS,” Sunset muttered. “Nevermind. It’s fine. Let’s just keep going.”

Even hopping over every rope, it took them a good two minutes just to reach the door on the end, wherein they found another circular amphitheater, a long glass cylinder rising up from the center.

Before Sunset could properly take in the interior of what she now realized must be the urethra, a gigantic face appeared on a massive television floating over the far wall. “Helloooo!” the bubbly voice from earlier sung.

“Gah!” Sunset jumped backwards, covering her ears. “A little loud!”

“Oh, is it? I’m so sorry! Let me turn it down.” A click of a volume control echoed throughout the antechamber a few times, and the extreme close up pulled back to reveal the freckled face of a young girl with blue hair. “Is that better?”

Sunset gave a weak thumbs up.

“Perfect! Hiya! My name is Skystar, and you must be Sunset Shimmer! I’m really excited to meet you. I’ll be giving you your tour today!”

“Huh. Alright, sure. Nice to meet you.” Sunset frowned, staring up at the giant monitor. Not exactly what she had been expecting, but what ever was?

Rainbow Dash folded her arms over her chest. “What, I’m not worth getting excited over?’

“Hi Rainbow Dash!” Skystar waved. “We met once already, remember?”

“Uh…”

“Yeppers! My Mom and I came to visit Beanis Inc once with when we were hashing out the deal for this park. You were introduced to me as one of the core founders, you asked if I wanted to see something, and before I could say yes some purple lady with a mohawk dragged you away, muttering something about me being sixteen.” Skystar shrugged. “Dunno what my age had to do with anything, but whatever.”

Sunset snorted, and punched Rainbow Dash in the arm. “Do I need to call the FBI?”

Rainbow Dash looked away. “Haha, yep. Now I remember. Silly me, can’t believe I forgot.”

The amusement warmed her, but something felt off. She felt like she’d heard the name Skystar somewhere before. “Who exactly is your mom, that she’s making high profile business meetings with Beanis Inc?”

And what was the world coming to, that anyone high profile would even bother?

“Well…” Skystar blushed, and fidgeted back and forth. “It’s kind of embarrassing, because it makes it seem like bragging. I don’t want you to treat me as special or something, okay? My mom is Queen Novo, ruler of Seaquestria.”

Woah. Now that was a royal pedigree. She didn’t know much about Seaquestria, only that they were a reclusive nation with advanced technology that had only recently decided to enter the world stage. If Twilight had somehow convinced them to partner with Beanis, of all things, then it at least made sense where the bankroll was coming from.

“So you’re a Princess?” Sunset said with a grin. “My apologies for my earlier impertinence, your highness,” she said, executing a perfect curtsy.

“Oh no, see!” Skystar gesticulated wildly, her face twisted up with all the raw emotion of a teenager. “See, this is exactly what I was talking about. You don’t have to act like that! We don’t even do the whole ‘your highness’ thing, that’s all Hollywood!”

Sunset threw back her head and laughed. “Relax, kid, I’m just teasing. I know way more princesses than you’d probably think. And not all of them are even ponies.” The memories finally clicked together, and she snapped her fingers. “Also, I think I know your cousin. Terramar?”

Skystar gasped. “You know Terry? How’s he doing?”

“He’s getting by.” She stretched, then glanced over at Rainbow Dash. “Anyway, pleasantries aside, where does this tour start?”

“Oh, right.” Skystar pursed her lips for several moments, as if thinking about something, then nodded and cleared her throat. “While the marvel you see before you is already mind blowing, it is merely the literal tip of a metaphorical iceberg! The shaft of Beantopia extends deep, into the ocean, where the adventure of a lifetime awaits beneath.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Alright, decent ad-copy, I suppose, though you could probably stand to workshop it a bit more. But what do I actually do?” She gestured at the tube in the center. “Is this thing an elevator?”

“Hey, it is! You must be super smart.” Skystar beamed, then shook her head. “But there’s a few things you have to do first.” A door slid open next to what would have presumably been a ticket booth or something on the outer wall. “First, we need to take a quick medical scan of you. Please set your bag to the side and remove all electronic items from your person, then step inside.”

“Alright…” Sunset did as told, and stepped through the open door. The door slid shut behind her, and she found herself in a tight cylinder. It was a good thing she wasn’t claustrophobic. Orange light shone out of the walls in a ring, and slowly moved up and down her body. A screen on the wall showed a model of herself, complete several variations, including skeleton and organs. Fancy stuff.

The door slid open behind her, and Sunset stepped back out.

“Excellent! You should have no problem descending.” A small slot opened up on the wall next to her, and a black and white pill popped out. “Please take this. It will protect you from the effects of the ocean’s pressure.”

Sunset picked up the pill and stared at it. “Knowing Twilight, I’m kind of surprised this isn’t a suppository.”

“Oh, I remember this!” Rainbow Dash pointed at the pill, grinning. “It actually did go up your butt, and worked like, super well. But Twilight said you’d never accept it, so she spent like, a bajillion dollars to make the pill version instead.” Rainbow Dash scowled, and rubbed at her stomach. “The pill makes me gassy.”

“She did, huh?” It was oddly touching, in a way. Sunset popped the pill in her mouth, then swallowed a gulp of water from a nearby water fountain.

Then she realized she’d just put a mysterious pill of unknown origins, developed by Twilight Sparkle, into her own body. All to go to a dick themed amusement park.

The urge to vomit it all up hit hard, and she had to hold onto the wall to contain herself. God, what if the capsule was filled with tiny little beanises? Wriggling around in her stomach and shooting magical jizz everywhere in order to inoculate her from the ocean depths.

“Are you okay, Sunset?” Skystar asked, her voice full of concern. “You’re looking a little green around the gills.”

Deep breaths. She could hold it together. It was probably just a normal drug. She’d come back here because she wanted to trust and believe in her friends again. To accept the madness of it all.

Rainbow Dash sauntered out of the scanning chamber, then grabbed a pill of her own and swallowed it. She made a disgusted face, then slapped Sunset on the back. “See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. The suppository was way better.”

Bile in the back of her throat. Sunset grit her teeth, and forced a smile. “Guess I’ll have to take your word for it on this one.” One last shudder ran through her body, and she stood up straight. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

“Yay!” Skystar clapped her hands together and jumped up and down. “I’m really looking forward to showing this off to you guys. Twilight and my mom have all worked soooo hard on everything, and I just know you’re going to love it!”

Sunset hefted her duffel bag once more, and made her way into the central elevator alongside Rainbow Dash. It was large and wide enough to accommodate vast crowds of people, or even heavy construction equipment.

Another monitor inside blinked on with Skystar’s face. “Alright, folks! Before we begin, I do want to remind you that the ocean is a dangerous place. Please obey all warning signs, and follow any instructions given to you by staff. In the event of an emergency, there are escape pods located at several locations in the facility, including one on the elevator itself!”

“Well, as disconcerting as that might be, I’m glad you’re at least taking the necessary precautions.”

Skystar nodded emphatically. “We at Beantopia pride ourselves on customer safety!”

The doors closed behind them, with the hiss of pressurized air. Then with a brief jolt, they began to descend.

The walls of the elevator seemed to be made of glass, but the only thing on the other side was cold steel. “So, what is the princess of an entire nation doing working at an amusement park anyway? This some kind of summer internship thing?”

Skystar rolled her eyes. “I told you, it’s not like that? I’m not really… a princess in the same way you seem to think I am. Besides, this is so much more than an amusement park. We’re doing great work here!”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

The expression on Skystar’s face could only be accurately described as ‘a shit-eating grin’.

The cold steel walls around them faded away, and they were submerged in earnest, revealing dim, murky water, with faint sunlight filtering through from above.

Lights clicked on, and the ocean exploded into color.

Metal latticework spread everywhere, the support for the platform above, crisscrossing this way and that, along with numerous thick columns leading down into the ocean floor.

That was entirely expected, for a structure like this.

More surprising were the multicolored dicks sprouting from the latticework, drooping languidly through the water like wet spaghetti. Some of the bigger dicks even had smaller dicks growing from them, and the water was filled to the brim with fish, of every size, shape, and color imaginable. Swimming about, nibbling on dicks, and dodging the predators that came looking for snacks.

“Holy shit,” Sunset breathed, and she heard similar wonder expressed by Rainbow Dash. “This almost looks like a—”

“Welcome to the Great Beanis Reef!” Skystar threw her arms wide, beaming. “It turns out with a little bit of modification, your standard Beanis can function very similarly to coral! It creates a fast growing reef capable of pumping nutrients into the sea, and allowing thriving ecosystems to flourish!”

As she spoke, Sunset watched one of the bigger beanis growths shudder, then ejaculate into the ocean. Fish everywhere swarmed in to nibble at the semen. Sunset took a deep breath. “This is… really cool, actually. Wow. I’ve seen some of the reefs out there, and I know how much they’re being threatened. Something like this could be huge.”

Skystar leaned forward towards the camera. “See! Stuff like this is why my Mom is so into this project! We’re not just providing unparalleled entertainment to millions, we’re doing important research, that will help secure the planet’s future!”

Sunset nodded, suddenly feeling a whole lot better about this whole thing. She turned to Rainbow Dash. “Did you know about any of this stuff in—oh, goddamnit, Rainbow!”

Rainbow Dash shuffled uncomfortably, then put her hands over the massive tent in her shorts. “What?” she said, her tone defensive. “Look, seeing all those Beanises out there made me think of Fluttershy. She hasn’t really been… in the mood, since giving birth, you know?” She fidgeted back and forth, a few times. “Look, you’re chill about all this now, right? Would it be cool if I rubbed one out real quick?”

Sunset scowled, and crossed her arms over her chest. “There are still lines, Dash, and that definitely crosses one.” She glanced over at the monitor where Skystar stood, head tilted, then stepped in between the monitor and Dash. Not that she knew where the camera was. “Besides, Skystar here is sixteen, remember? Whip it out carelessly and you’ll be put on a registry for life.”

“Rub one out of what?” Skystar asked.

“But…” Rainbow Dash whined. She looked around for a few more moments before sighing in defeat. “You’re right. Sorry. I’ll just go do it in the bathroom when this thing lands. Do laws like that really apply here though?”

“Uh…”

Skystar piped up. “Oh, I don’t know what law you’re talking about, but this park is considered a sovereign part of Seaquestria, so all our laws apply.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Do you still have laws against kiddy diddling?”

“I don’t know what that is, but I can go look it up for you!”

“Wait, really? You don’t know about—”

The lights clicked off, plunging them into complete and utter darkness.

Sunset’s heart started racing, and she held still for several moments. “Um…” She said, her voice suddenly very loud in this relatively small, pressurized chamber slowly descending under thousands of tons of water.

“Where’d you guys go?” Skystar called out. “I can’t see anything!”

“Ow, fuck!” Rainbow Dash called out. “I smacked my dick against the railing!”

Well, some priorities never changed. Sunset fumbled around in her pocket, looking for her phone. “I assume this isn’t part of the tour?”

“Nuh-uh!” Skystar sounded frantic. “There must be some kind of outage, I don’t know what’s going on! Nothing is working.”

“Hey, stay calm, kid. We can still hear you,” Sunset said with a confidence she didn’t quite feel. “We’re just missing a handful of lights. It’s not like we live in a world where literally everybody carries flashlights in their pockets nowadays. Oh wait!”

Sunset flicked her light on.

A massive eyeball the size of a bus stared back at her.

It blinked.

Something slammed into the shaft from outside, and the elevator shook, sparks falling from the ceiling. Sunset stumbled, falling backwards onto her duffel bag.

“Oh fuck, what was that?” Rainbow Dash called out. “Shit, I think it saw my dick!”

Sunset turned, and in the scattered light from her phone, saw that Rainbow Dash had, in fact, taken her dick out. “Rainbow Dash…” she growled.

“Look, Skystar can’t see us now, okay?”

“See what? What’s going on up there?”

Another boom from outside, and the elevator shook yet again. Sunset grunted, and unzipped her duffel bag, searching for something that would bring her comfort, project strength, and make her feel powerful.

She drew her baseball bat from the bag like it was a holy sword of legend, and brandished it towards the darkness outside. “I am not dying at the bottom of the goddamned ocean, you future plate of sushi.”

A series of deep clicks answered her, echoing through the tiny chamber and reverberating through her bones. A dark shape rushed towards them, and when it got close enough, she could see rows upon rows of razor sharp teeth.

Sunset screamed. Rainbow Dash screamed. Skystar screamed.

The monster slammed into the shaft.

The elevator broke free, and dropped.

The screaming stopped.