Part 1: "Global Warming" in Equestria is just what it's called when Celestia is either tipsy or sick.
Puffy-eyed, with a swollen, red nose and a matching horn tip, Princess Luna trudged down one of Canterlot Castle’s many hallways with the speed of a wounded tortoise that somehow carried within it the presence of an angry panther. Perhaps picking up on the latter, the droopy-eyed guardsponies and sluggish staff of the castle wordlessly scrambled out of the fervor of the princess to give her a wide berth.
Luna seemingly noticed none of this as she slowly and deliberately prowled down the hallway, her expression only changing to a deeper frown as she locked eyes on a familiar white door with an even more familiar sun emblem on the front.
A muffled and, admittedly somewhat adorable “Aaaachew!” sounded from behind it. Luna may have found the sound somewhat endearing under normal circumstances, but since she was squinting her swollen eyes due to the unfortunate brightness outdoors, this new external change - along with the ongoing struggle her body was currently going through - meant she was in no mood to find any levity in the situation.
These things may have also resulted in her less-than-cordial entrance of her pained horn blazing midnight blue and throwing open the door as she yelled. “Sister! This MUST stoaaaaaaWWWWWWWCHEEEEEEEEW!”
Luna caught a quick glance of her startled, bed-ridden sister, who was in a similar state, but somehow in full regalia despite the fact that she was in bed, as per her bizarre custom. However, this scene of her sister was quickly changed as a cone of sparkling dark-blue and silver glitter fired from the Princess of the Night’s horn and landed all over Celestia.
Celestia’s surprise turned to fear in an instant and she immediately began screaming. “Help! HELP! My bed has come alive and it’s trying to DEVOUR me in revenge for years of wearing my pointy golden crown and hoofwear to BED! HEEEEEEE—”
Her grumpy countenance changing to near panic, Luna looked left, then right, and bolted for her sister’s personal bathroom. The brief sound of water shooting out of a sink was heard. Luna returned a moment later with a large glass of water held aloft in the midnight blue glow of her magic.
“—EEEEEEEEE—”
‘Splash!’
Celestia blinked the cold water out of her eyes and shot a glare at her sister. “…elp.”
Luna met the glare for glare and floated the cup back into the bathroom. “You’re welcome!”
“For what?!” Celestia sneered. “For giving me visions of being devoured by my own bed? Or soaking both me AND it?” Before Luna could answer, Celestia took a calming breath. “Oh, who am I kidding, the whole thing is covered with sweat as it is!” she exclaimed as she slid out of her dark brown covers which hit the lilac floor of the bedroom with a moist ‘slump!’
Luna couldn’t help but cringe. “How unpleasant.”
Celestia’s glare returned. “Perhaps if you could have knocked rather than rudely barge in and spray me with nightmare glitter, I could have spared you such a display!”
“Apologies, but I came to inform you it’s unseasonably cold in Las Pegasus and very unseasonably warm in Manehatten!”
Celestia grunted in annoyance as she trudged into her bathroom. “I’ll deal with it in a moment!” Celestia said. “I’m sure my little ponies can handle a few hours of unseasonable weather.”
“By that, I meant that there is a sub-zero blizzardin Las Pegasus and Manehatten is on FIRE!”
“… Oh,” Celestia replied as she poked out her head, which she was busy drying with a white towel suspended in her sunshine-colored magic. Again, her eyes narrowed. “Open with that next time, Luna.”
“Ponies are burning decks of cards for warmth and a major metropolitan city is ablaze, and you want to cavil over how I conveyed the message?”
Celestia threw foreleg into the air. “I can’t help that I have allergies, sister!” she announced, her tone growing more irritated.
“Yes, but lives may be at stake. Tia!” Luna exclaimed. “You need to get a hold of yourself and take some responsibility here!”
Celestia’s swollen features tightened up so much Luna thought her sister’s face might begin to tear at the seams. “Maybe I would have SLEPT better if some pony could stop filling my sleep with terrifying nightmares!"
“I was trying to help you while you suffered!” Luna insisted. “It’s not my fault my allergies are still effective when I’m in the dream realm!”
“OH!” Celestia cried indignantly. “So when YOU can’t control your powers, it’s ‘not your fault’, but when I can’t control them I’ve got to hop-to and take responsibility!”
Luna shot out another glare then took a deep breath. “Perhaps I was being unfair. I, too, am not quite myself and I—”
“Achew!”
Luna’s whole body shook as bright, shining yellow glitter was shot over her body.
“—now have a fever thanks to you, thou clumsy malmsey-nosed horn-beast,” Luna concluded. “That is just swell…”
Celestia made a phlegmy inhale as she rubbed her nose. “Sorry, Lulu. Let’s try to focus on the problem at hoof.” She made her way to a window draped with dark purple blinds and threw them open with her forelegs, squinting as she found herself bombarded with sunlight. “I should be able to at least adjust the position of the sun and…” Celestia trailed off, her ears turning one direction, then the other as she heard hooves cantering their way closer and closer to her door.
Also taking note of the sound, Luna turned as both sisters observed Princess Cadance appearing in Celestia’s doorway, out of breath and looking every bit as ill as the Equestrian Diarchs.
“Huff… I need help! Puff… It’s an emergency!” Cadence managed to sputter out between labored breaths.
Luna couldn’t help but scoff at Cadence’s declaration. “There are cities in Equestria facing natural disasters the likes of which are rarely seen, Princess Cadance. While I am certain you think your powers running amok are cause for concern, I am afraid there simply are more important priorities!”
Celestia frowned at her adopted niece. “I’m sorry, Cadance, but I think Princess Luna has a po—”
Cadance raised a forehoof to silence Celestia as she began to speak. “I sneezed on the way here and Raven and Kibitz are making out like a couple experiencing heat for the first time!” she declared.
Luna winced as Celestia mulled this over. “You know, I always thought those two had a healthy respect that might turn romantic if the wind blew the right way… Maybe this is for the best.”
Cadance continued, “Well that’s not nearly as bad as what happened in the Crystal Empire before I left…” Cadance paused to take a deep breath “… Also the train ride over! Aaaaand all of Canterlot between the train station and the castle. So, if you two have no desire to find out what the inside of the other’s mouth tastes like, we should put our heads together on this one!”
“Princess Cadance,” Luna began, “I do believe I owe you an apology.”
Celestia nodded in agreement before turning to look outside where the light dimmed somewhat. “This does seem to be an issue of some immediate concern, yes.”
Luna shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead with a foreleg. “Well… A cold glass of water worked on Princess Celestia when I accidentally gave her a dose of my own magic gone awry…”
Celestia glanced up at the sun and nodded satisfactorily. She turned and trotted away. “We can rally the local weather ponies to gather some rain clouds and alert the local fire brigade.”
Luna thought for a moment. “That rather does sound like an effective way to give the ponies smooching in Cadance’s wake a cold shower.”
Cadance took in a few more breaths. “Also, Flurry Heart also has allergies and sneezed the Crystal Empire into another dimension.”
There was a beat of silence as Celestia and Luna took in the full gravity of what Cadance has just told them.
“Next time perhaps OPEN with a problem of such magnitude!” Luna snapped.
Celestia gave her sister a sideways glance, but opted to change the subject. “Is little Flurry Heart okay?”
“Well, aside from having allergies, she’s fine. Shining and Chrysalis are keeping watch in the massive open field that once was the Empire.”
Luna’s jaw dropped. “You left your progeny in the care of the former Changeling Queen?!”
Cadance gave Luna an indignant look. “Do you know of somepony else better equipped at handling adversity?!”
Luna opened her mouth to reply then thought for a moment. “Alright, perhaps I misspoke once more. Also, with Shining there, I suppose Flurry Heart’s influence will at least be… balanced in an oddly literal sense…”
Far, far away in a very empty field, Queen Chrysalis loomed over the sniffling baby Flurry Heart; her razor-sharp teeth on full display as she grinned down at the alicorn baby. “… And then the changeling said, ‘Little ponies, little ponies, I’m so lonely! Let me in or I’ll turn your flanks into baloney!”
Standing directly behind his daughter, Shining Armor glared at the Queen. “That’s not how the story goes! The changeling’s supposed to threaten to turn into a timber wolf and blow the house down!”
Chrysalis gave Shining a quizzical look. “Shining, do you even know what it is Timber Wolves do?!”
Shining frowned, “I… erm…”
“The don’t ‘blow’ houses down, that’s for sure!” Chrysalis puffed out her lip and looked down at Flurry Heart. “Why, a timber wolf would chew a tiny baby pony to pieces!”
Flurry Heart let out a distressed shriek and hid her face behind her feathers.
Shining sighed. “Alright, tell it your way.”
Chrysalis smiled darkly. “Gladly!” Her features softened as she looked down at the infant. “Huddled in their straw hut, the ponies responded with, ‘A creature who is lonely?! Oh dear us! Please come in and partake of friendship ceremonies!’ So, the changeling was allowed in where it immediately cocooned one of the foolish ponies and dragged it back to its hive for sustenance as the other two fled in total abject horror!”
“Chrysalis!” Shining snapped.
“You said I could tell it my way!” Chrysalis snapped back.
Despite her weakened state, Flurry let out a giggle.
Chrysalis motioned triumphantly to the baby. “See? Your loin-spawn approves!”
Flurry’s face suddenly contorted and her red nose wrinkled. “Awww… aww—”
Chrysalis’s eyes widened like she was suddenly staring down a speeding freight train barreling towards her in a rather slim tunnel.
In an instant, there was a plum-colored flash of light, Shining disappeared in a ‘POMFF’, another flash of light flared as he appeared next to Chrysalis and threw a foreleg around her back, and a second ‘POMFF’.
“—CHEEEEEW!”
‘ZOOORT!’
Flurry Heart opened her eyes and let out a distressed cry as she opened them to see a hole in the ground where her beloved ebony baby sitter stood moments before. Her distress was short lived as she was quickly scooped up into a black, hole filled foreleg.
Relieved, Flurry Heart let out a burble of delight, and nuzzled against Chrysalis’s carapace.
Shining let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Close one…”
“Yes. Thank you, Shining.”
Shining looked up at Chrysalis in disbelief. “Of… of course! You’re welcome!” he said, unable to hide the joy from his face.
Chrysalis held the giggling Flurry Heart out at forelegs length. “I always thought this child would be the end of me, but not in such a haphazard manner.”
“Uhhh-huuuuuh…?” Shining replied, his mirth quickly replaced with confusion.
Chrysalis continued, “No. When she DOES end me, it’ll be to topple me from my dark throne and take her rightful place upon it!” She brought Flurry to her chest and embraced the baby lovingly, a single translucent jade-green tear falling from her eye. “It will be magnificent…” she whispered with grim affection.
Shining Armor just sighed. “Why don’t you just continue the story? I want to hear how the third pony wins in the end.”
“HAH!” Chrysalis exclaimed as she gently put Flurry Heart back on the ground. “What a delightful fantasy you must live in, Shining.”
Shining huffed out an exasperated sigh as his daughter merely clapped her hooves together in anticipation.
“Well, as long as everypony is safe…” Celestia mused.
“Again, my Empire is probably in some limbo dimension,” Cadance muttered.
Celestia thought for a moment. “Well, as long as my darling grand-niece is safe…”
Luna rolled her eyes. “One must only wonder how Ponyville is holding up.”
There was a brief silence as all three Princesses stared at each other and rushed to a window that immediately had drapes drawn away and was thrown open.
Celestia’s lower jaw nearly unhinged. “No…”
“… That cannot be true!” Luna added.
“That’s impossible!” Cadance chimed in.
“Absolutely nothing is wrong!” all three cried in unison.
Celestia rushed off to a desk and began producing stationery, an inkwell, and a quill.
“It’s simply unbelievable!” Luna exclaimed, staring down at the perfectly pristine city. “All it takes for disaster to strike the village is a pet that’s acting out of sorts or even a special occasion such as Nightmare Night or Saturday!”
“I’m sending Twilight correspondence now,” Celestia said as she strained and squeezed out a brilliant aura that basically plopped to her desk and whisked the scroll away in a shining, magical breeze that exited out the window. “Maybe my previous student nipped this one in the bud in record time.” Celestia chuckled proudly to herself. “I suppose my tutelage was more effective than even I dare dreamed.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, sister. Your stratagem of throwing children into the middle of the ocean over several centuries and hoping they figure out how to swim instead of drowning and returning as resentful young-adults certainly paid off this one time.”
Celestia’s already crinkled face creased further as she turned to glare at Luna. In lieu of a response, however, she elected to turn, look upwards and utter a soft “mehmehMehmehMehmehmeeeh…” to nopony in particular. As Celestia tossed her dirty look toward the far wall, her throbbing horn began to glow once more, she had the good sense to turn back to her desk where a glob of sunshine-colored magic dripped to the wooden surface and exploded into a scroll.
“What’s it say, Auntie?!” Cadance asked as she and Luna began to crowd around the desk.
“It’s from Spike…” Celestia began in an unsure tone. Her face lit up. “Zecora has a cure!”
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Luna asked.
“Wait, there’s more!” Celestia shushed. “Something about a side effect? And uh… The rest looks a bit smudged as if something was spilled on it…”
Cadance glanced at the scroll. “That’s ‘spit up’. Something clearly ‘spit up’ on the rest of the message.”
Celestia turned towards Cadance. “How can you tell?”
Cadance sighed. “Lots and lots of experie-aah….AAAAAAh…”
Luna’s eyes flew open. “Sister! We must depart for Zecora’s at once!”
Celestia turned and give Luna a concerned look. “But we don’t know what the side effect is!”
“AAAAAAHHHHHHH—”
“There’s no time!” Luna shouted. “Quickly! To Pony—”
“—chew!”
‘Knock! Knock! Knock!’
Glancing up from her cauldron and the mushy orange substance within at the rapping, Zecora wordlessly trotted to the door. Once again she heard the tapping, but thought it not worth rancor. The zebra sussed she'd see Spike, or perhaps one of the princesses before the 'more. Opening the door to her humble hut, she saw not one, but three princesses. Clearly in a rut.
At least this day would not be a bore.
Zecora gave a small bow. “Greetings your eminences, I’ve anticipated your arrival at my residence—” Zecora frowned slightly “—ses…” she added awkwardly. She made a mental note that sometimes she’d need to account for plural rhymes.
The Princesses seemingly took little notice of Zecora’s odd turn of phrase. “So you do have a cure!” Celestia said excitedly as she and the other two princesses entered the hut, both Celestia and Luna having to bow their heads quite low to get their horns inside. “Oh, bless you, my little—uh… someone’s little zebra!”
Zecora let out a good-natured chuckle as she went up to a shelf with a large jar of murky green substance and began distributing differently-sized doses amongst three small bottles. “Oh, please do not fret, I’m happy to repay my hosts of this land in which I’m a guest.”
Cadance frowned slightly. “Fret and guest are half-rhymes at best.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Must you be so persnickety?”
“Sorry,” Cadance said with a small smile as her ears drooped somewhat. “It’s just I tend to pick up on meter and rhyme…” She turned towards Zecora. “Also, you wouldn’t happen to have a potion to return an entire Empire that's been shunted into another dimension by a baby alicorn, would you? Flurry is also a bit sneezy and I’m reeeally hoping I can get her whammy, room, and Crystaller back before she accidentally teleports her father and guardian, shape-changing, murderous, sexy, psychopath of a babysitter to another dimension and is all alone." Cadance’s eyes went distant as if she was trying to see past this mortal plane to whatever one her Empire resided in. “That would be abjectly horrifying.”
“For Flurry Heart?” Luna asked.
“No,” Cadance answered simply.
Zecora ceased distributing her potion long enough to look at Cadance sadly. "I can brew all manner of muck, but in this case, you are out of luck."
The pink mare sighed. “Let’s hope the cure makes magic wear off faster than it takes allergy season to—”
Cadance was cut off by the jingling of bells as a smiling grey pony sporting a long, white beard and wearing a blue, star-themed wizard bell hat as a pony popped his head up from behind one of the open windows in the hut "Did somepony say something about 'another dimension?!" he chirped mirthfully.
“St-Star Swirl!” Luna gasped out as fright overtook her features.
The Princess of the night slowly shuffled behind her larger sister who simply gave the pony a quizzical look, "Have you just been following us around waiting for an opportunity to offer your portal expertise?”
"YES!” Star Swirl happily hollered. "I literally have nothing better to do!” He glanced around the hut, mouth gaping wide as he laid eyes on Zecora. "My word, is that a Zebra in the corner?!"
Zecora’s eyes narrowed as her back hoof tapped an irritated staccato. "You will find I possess a name. Tell me, old codger, are you always this lame?"
"He is,” Luna confirmed. “Though he’s doing substantially less yelling than I’m used to…”
“Well, even if he is rude, perhaps you, Princess Cadance would be wise to seek help from this prude.”
Star Swirl looked over at Cadance and smiled. “Why, I’d be delighted to help the most feminine, and therefore, most prone to hysteria and panicking princess of the land!”
Cadance’s left eye twitched. “Is it wrong to think that maybe Limbo isn’t that bad?”
With a zap like lightning outside and another white flash inside, Star Swirl appeared inside to the jingling of his own bells. “Not at all, ignorant young mare!” he chirped merrily. “Though, it’s not that good, either.”
Cadence sighed. “Walked right under that one…”
Celestia shot Star Swirl a frown. “Perhaps you should have a talk with Twilight later… Be sure to bring up the phrase ‘casual sexism,’” She turned to Zecora. “Also, do any of these many bottles contain a home-brewed mouthwash?” She asked. The Princess of the Day turned to glare at her sister. “Somepony had fish for her most recent meal!”
Luna grunted in annoyance. “It’s called a ‘traditional Neighponese breakfast’ and it’s very well balanced and healthy! At least my mouth doesn’t taste like a cart full of boxed chocolates crashed into a distiller’s workshop!”
Celestia scoffed. “Are you kidding? That sounds amazing! I think you should be thanking me!”
“I suppose there’s some truth to that,” Luna said, “I don’t think my tonsils have ever been so clean.”
Cadance looked back and forth between the bickering sisters and inhaled phlegmily through her nose. “Can we move this along before this hut becomes the scene of an interracial, incest, bi-sexual, multi-generational orgy?”
Zecora’s eyes widened as she trotted over, balancing a somewhat rhombus-shaped wooden tray on her back with the three bottles of cure. “Though it may be a crime, to some zebra, that might sound like a good time.”
All other sets of eyes were suddenly on the witch doctor present who sighed heavily. “Note to self,” Zecora said, “some thoughts are better left on the shelf.”
“You do realize, of course,” Luna began, “that Star Swirl would be included in this hypothetical activity?”
Zecora took a measured glance of the ponies in the room. “Though he is not one I’d like to embrace, it would be ‘totally worth it’ as you ponies say, in this case.”
Luna pursed her lips and glanced around the shelves of the hut. “Though I know it’s highly illegal, you would not happen to possess a memory-erasing potion, would you? Let’s just say there’s a princess pardon now and a ‘get out of legal peril free’ pardon later if—”
Cadence’s eyes began to water. “Uh-oh… Ahhh… AHHHH… AHHHH—”
Panic in their eyes, Celestia and Luna’s horns suddenly flared to life and Cadance found her head and horn inglobed in not one but TWO barriers as she let out a sneeze and her horn fired off pink and red sparkling glitter. Her swollen eyes tightened as the two sisters dropped their protection spells and the substance fell harmlessly to the floor.
Zecora looked down in the substance in interest. “If no one disagrees, I’ll happily collect the alicorn love-dust as a fee.”
“It’s fine!” Cadance said. As she turned, her back thighs notably pressed tightly together. “If anypony needs me, I need to find a tree to hide behind for a few minutes here!” she declared as she shuffled outside of the hut.
“Young mare,” Star Swirl began, “if there’s anything I can do to be of assistance—”
“I rather set my crotch on fire!” Cadance sang in a mirthful tone. “Thank you!”
“Anytime!” Star Swirl replied, equally as cheerful. “What a charming young lass,” he commented without the least hint of scorn.
Celestia turned and looked at the tray balanced on Zecora’s back. “A thought occurs we could have drunk those a good minute ago and saved Cadance some trouble.”
“Well, what are we waiting for?!” Luna asked rhetorically as she trotted over and took the middle-filled bottle in her forehooves.
“Here, here!” Celestia shouted in agreement as she walked over and grabbed the most-filled bottle. “Cheers, Luna!”
“Bottoms up, Sister!” Luna replied.
“Yes, yes, yes!” Came Cadance’s ecstatic cry from outside. “Bottoms WAY up!”
Exchanging awkward glances, Celestia and Luna quickly downed their oddly colored beverages. Much to their relief, their horn and nose shrunk down to normal sizes almost immediately.
“Wait! Waaaaaait! Don’t drink those po—” Spike suddenly appeared in Zecora’s doorway, took one look at the empty bottles in the Princesses’ hooves and finished his sentence in a defeated tone “—tions…”
Celestia and Luna frowned as the gently place their bottles on Zecora’s tray.
“Greetings, Twilight’s Imp!” Star Swirl greeted cordially. “Are you here for the potential surprise orgy I’ve heard so much about?”
Spike’s expression immediately curdled as he turned to maternal figure #2 in his life. “You know I prepared myself for all kinds of ways this day could get worse. That sentence was not one of them.”
Celestia took a deep breath and let it out. “Yes, Spike. I know.”
“All too well!” Luna added.
“This is about the side effect, isn’t it?” Celestia asked trepidatiously.
Spike sighed and turned, revealing a backpack occupied by a baby Twilight whose face immediately lit up upon seeing Celestia. Spike did an over the shoulder point at the baby with a thumb claw. “Yep.”
“Oooooh, poop,” Celestia said.
Luna groaned. “I dare say there will be plenty of that in our future.”
Celestia smirked. “True, but we won’t really have to deal with it, now will we?”
Luna’s new moon expression suddenly became full, “You raise a good point sis—”
In dual flashes of light and twin ‘poofs!’ the two adult alicorns disappeared; replaced by two tiny alicorn babies that wafted to the ground. Spike braced himself for the foregone baby-wails of woe that were to come, but much to his surprise he was only met by delighted burbles as the sisters crawled towards one another and began awkwardly pat/swatting at each other’s faces all the while giggling.
Possibly feeling left out, baby Twilight stuck out her tongue as her horn glowed magenta. With a ‘Pomff’ she was suddenly on the ground with the other Princesses to join in their rousing game of ‘Pat, pat, swat, giggle, giggle, swat!’
“Huh…” Spike uttered. “Maybe this isn’t so—”
A trio of blasts shot up from the babes on the floor and through the roof of the hut. The sky turned black for a moment, then turned back to daylight the next, and then an orange with blue wings and a beak fell through the hole in the ceiling where it splattered into a pulpy, citrus mess right before if let out a gurgled death-chirp as a pool of its own juice oozed out from its round, zesty body.
“Nope!” Spike said as he pumped a fist in front of his chest. “We’re all going to die adorably!”
“I have an idea!” Star Swirl proclaimed.
Zecora turned the left side of her lips down into a frown. “If you think a portal to another world will be your parachute, don’t even think about it, you miserable old coot!”
“I have no ideas!” Star Swirl proclaimed. He turned to Spike and smiled happily. “Good luck, Twilight’s winged, demonic familiar! My work here is done!”
Spike shot a glare at Star Swirl. “But you didn’t do anything!”
“Away!” Star Swirl announced as his horn flickered out bolts of white lightning that created a flat disk of pure light that the wizard stepped through and disappeared into.
Squinting, Spike took a quick baby head count. “Well, at least Cadance isn’t—”
“Oh, yes… Yes!” Cadance’s lust filled cries called out. “Give it to me! Call me a slut!”
“Haha, you take the hoof, you dirty slut!” Cadance’s own voice replied.
Spike’s face contorted in confusion as he turned towards Zecora.
Zecora just gave Spike a tight-lipped frown and shook her head. “An explanation you’re hoping there is one, I am afraid that I have none.”
Spike sighed as he glanced at the babies who all let out another series of joyous burbles before firing off another three horn salute into the air that made it night, then day again, before a watermelon with an impressive wingspan plummeted through the large hole above and splattered into red, feathered fruit chunks over the occupants of the hut. Much of the delight of the babies present, who began to feast on the mysterious bounty from the sky.
Spike let his arms dangle at his sides at he boggled at the site in front of him with a rather vexed expression. “You think being friends with Discord would have prepared me for this moment, but I’m beginning to see why he sits a lot of out misadventures out. I mean, 9 out of 10 times he probably feels we’re all doing a fine job without his ‘help’.”
A long, satisfied sigh wafted out from the doorway. Spike and Zecora turned to see a much calmer looking, if frazzled, Cadance. “I needed that…” Cadance murmured.
“Cadance!” Spike exclaimed. “Am I glad to see you!”
“Hey, Spike!” Cadance greeted as she flapped her wings, flew up about the height of a pony then landed next to Zecora gently. The remaining cure was scooped into her forehooves within the blink of an eye. “I’ll be with you in a moment!”
“No, don’t—”
The drink disappeared down Cadance’s throat before a pony could say the phrase ‘Zero gag reflex!’ With a somewhat less satisfied “Ahh…” compared to her tone moments ago, Cadance put the bottle back on the tray still balanced on Zecora’s back. “Okay, what were you saying?” she asked Spike. “Also, where’s Twilight?”
Sighing as he ran a claw down the entire length of his face, Spike motioned to baby Twilight and her new playmates.
“Oh…” Cadance uttered as she looked over the trio as they joyously slung chunks of watermelon at each other in-between licking the juices from their own lips. “I bucked up, didn’t I?”
The left side of Zecora’s lips curled upwards in a half smile, half frown. “Although it’s somewhat my fault things went awry, I think you just hit the bullseye.”
Cadance thought for a moment. “Eh, I think I could get into diaper play.”
“… What?” Spike replied.
Cadance replied with a “Wha” — ‘poof’ — “whaah.” As she too flitted to the ground in her new, smaller form.
Pressing his left claw against his forehead and letting out a sigh, Spike turned to Zecora, a pleading look already locked and loaded on his face. “Puuuuuleeeeeeaaaase cut me some slack! I had to sprint through the Everfree Forest to get here as soon as I saw the Princesses leave the castle! And that was AFTER I wrestled Twilight away from her room that was several inches deep in milk that used to be her furniture!”
Zecora thought for a moment. “I have an idea, though it might be something of a leap, I could brew something to safely put the babies to sleep.”
Spike gave Zecora an indignant look. “Okay, fillify grown adults a few minutes ago, now your idea is to chemically knock outbabies!”
‘Zap! Zap! ZOORT! SPLAT! Phesssheeeeeeoooow!’
Spike expression changed from judgmental, to considering, to accepting in the time it took a pumpkin with a raccoon tail and limbs to tumble from above and smash itself on the already juicy floor. “Which is an idea I whole heartily endorse as my greatest fear is to die a fat cantaloupe!” Spike announced as he and Zecora quickly found themselves compulsively hugging as a pink glow engulfed them. “Uh… friend who I love platonically.”
Despite her forelegs being wrapped around Spike like he was the most cuddly thing in all existence, Zecora gave him a solemn nod. “Although it will be hard with this new found desire to hug, I’ll quickly brew up a sleepy-time drug!”
Spike huffed out a sigh as he scooched baby Luna into Twilight’s bed. The tiny alicorn seemed to instinctively cuddle up to her ‘big’ sister who was already busy being cuddled by what had to be a barely conscious baby Twilight. Despite the nearly unconscious state the babies had to be in, baby Cadance seemingly took closed-eyed umbrage with her position at the end next to Twilight and crawled her length across the other three babies before passing out.
Having enough strength to lift Twilight’s blanket over the slumbering infants, Spike then fell backward and extended wings as he stared up at the crystal ceiling and considered the fact that he had never known hard floor to be this comfortable. Before he too could succumb to the siren call of sleep, a not unfamiliar buzz and red glow startled him to full consciousness.
With a groan, Spike rose back to his feet and made his way to Twilight’s nightstand to the item disturbing his passed-out-on-the-floor slumber; a hardbound brown book, sporting a yellow and red cutie mark of a sun seemingly in balance with itself. Unfortunately for him, the words within would show anything by balance.
Thumb-clawing his way to the latest page words materialized at a fevered pace.
‘Twilight! TWILIGHT! I need help! Personally! Somehow my magic; and only MY magic has gone haywire coinciding with some crazy allergy symptoms! I don’t know what kind of messed-up Equestrian horse-hokey is going on, but my empathy magic is on overdrive!’
Frowning slightly, Spike went off to fetch an inkwell and quill, but the words poured forth regardless.
‘Have you ever sneezed in a cafeteria and knew exactly how many people in it wanted to have sex with you?! Lemme tell you, it's flattering and terrifying all at the same time! I can feel all the things, all the things Twilight! Do you have any idea how horny teenagers are all the time?! Thank God Adagio isn’t here! It would be like having an empathy-magic driven sex-fest with TWO of her!’
Spike returned with an inkwell and quill the scanned the words already written as more still poured forth.
‘So, sorry for getting this personal, but I’m a step away from either taking a vow of celibacy or ripping off my clothes in front of as many students AND FACULTY, as possible and telling them all to just work through their sexual desires on my body so long as someone is nice enough to deliver my spent and sticky self back to my apartment. And, if I’m being honest here, that first option is a bit of a long shot.’
Spike dipped his quill in ink and began to write. ‘Hey, Sunset. It’s Spike, Twilight is currently indisposed with all the literal baby she is.’
The page finally fell silent for a few moments before the words ‘I don’t suppose I can convince you to forget the last few paragraphs you just read, can I?’
‘No. And before you respond, know that I had to listen to Star Swirl gleefully ask if I was going to participate in an orgy with himself, Zecora, Princess Luna, Cadance, and your mom.’
There was the briefest of pauses. ‘Right! Scrubbing all of that from my memory! So, Twilight’s a baby now? Huh. That’s different! Say, buddy-o-pal, who’s great at keeping things on the DL, you wouldn’t to know how I can make this non-stop hardcore stream into my brain chill for a bit, would you?’
‘Yeah, but there’s a side effect!’
“It’s fine! Whatever the side effects, it can’t be as bad as sneezing everyone’s weird fetishes into your head every few seconds!”
“It will turn you into a baby. P.S. All the Princesses are currently babies. Also, help, please. All the Princesses are HERE. ”
Spike stared at the page, awaiting a response to sparkle onto the page. When it became clear one wasn’t coming in short order, he raised his own quill back to the book.
“Sunset?”
“You know what? Maybe I can live with this ‘Every 30-seconds there’s a porn hub deluge’ for a little bit. Think I’ll just stay here!”
Spike glared down at the page. “I don’t want to throw the phrase ‘Princess Responsibilities’ around, but in addition to me playing babysitter to FOUR alicorns after pretty much ALL Twilight’s friends abandoned her with me, it’s been 3 o’clock for several hours, Flurry Heart still needs her cure, oh and also the ENTIRE Crystal Empire got teleported to limbo, or something!’
Again, the space underneath what was written remained blank for longer than Spike was comfortable with, however before he could coerce a response from Sunset, a bolt of sparkles appeared on the page followed by an odd splatter, then another… and another!
“Sunset? You okay over there?”
“Poor little Empire Demolisher is sick and all alone?”
‘I feel there are several things wrong with that sentence,’ Spike replied ‘but she at least has Shining Armor taking care of her… Though, the only other one that didn’t get teleported was Chrysalis near as I could piece together from what little Zecora could tell me and all the rhyming, apparently, so maybe it more or less evens out?’
Again, Spike found himself waiting for a response. A wait that, again, went on long enough that he considered queuing Sunset for a response before the familiar cry of a rather familiar alicorn being flung head first through a dimensional mirror sounded out from down the hall followed by the muffled ‘Pomf!’ of said alicorn colliding with a pile of pillows.
“Thank you, Starlight Glimmer!” Sunset called from the pillow.
“Did somepony say my name?” Starlight called from elsewhere in the castle. “Does somepony need my help?”
Sunset’s fiery response blazed to life as Spike quickly made his way down the hallway. “You stay the heck away from any and all going ons today unless specifically called for by Spike or myself, Starlight Glimmer! Just keep doing whatever you’re doing as long as you’re SURE it’s not going to ruin any pony’s, city’s, or country’s entire day!”
“Okay!” Came Starlight’s immediate and cheerful reply. “I’m here if things get super desperate, BFFFAD!”
Sunset’s shouted response softened ever so slightly. “You know it, somewhere in my top five BFFFADs, BFFFAD!”
Spike made his way down a flight of stairs and finally arrived at the portal/study/backup-backup library room that Sunset was in. Despite the fact that the tip of her swollen horn and nose matched the color of her geode and roughly 50% of her hair, he still gave the orange alicorn an annoyed glare. “Could you keep the shouting to a minimum? The babies are currently not unravelling their immediate surroundings like the laws of physics are parental rules they’re too young to understand.”
“Right! Fair!” Sunset said as she gathered herself up and focused despite the fact that her head felt like it had three different invisible vices applying pressure on her. “Let’s go save Cadance’s proof that I can, too, make an adorable bundle of ‘the-universe-is-mineaaaaH-AAAAAH-AHHHHHCHEW!” Sunset sneezed, coating the immediate area - which included Spike - in something that resembled sparkling red cinnamon candy dust.
“Ghah!” Spike rubbed at his eyes furiously. “Wow that, burns! I’ve dealt with all kinds of surprise fluids from babies, but would it be too much trouble to ask you to cover your mouth next time?”
Sunset paused for a moment and gave Spike look of quiet consideration. “Really? You think you can fill THAT many of my holes at once?”
Spike grimaced. “I’m sorry! Er, if it makes you feel better I pretty much fantasize about all my friends every now and again?” He swallowed. “That makes it worse, doesn’t it?”
Sunset simply shrugged and trotted past Spike. “Believe it or not, that was a lot tamer than most individuals from Canterlot High have unwillingly given me.” Sunset turned up a forehoof in a matter of factual manner, “And considering the company you keep plus the fact you apparently hit dragon puberty recently, you’re actually keeping it together really freakin’ well.”
“Uh, thanks?” Spike replied as he nervously scratched the back of his head.
“No problem. Speaking of keeping it together, can you please explain how ground zero to the entire universe apocalypse is so quiet?” Sunset took a concerned look at her surroundings. “Or are we in the eye of the storm and everything a mile out is just a jumbled mess of love, darkness, fruit, and fire?”
“Zecora took pity on me and gave all the girls a potion make them sleep for a bit. It just kicked in a few minutes ago”
Sunset’s eyes shot open. “Zecora roofied the babies?! She honestly thought THAT was an appropriate response and you CONDONED it?!”
Spike put his hands on his hips and gave Sunset an indignant look. “Do you mean the baby that made it night time across Equestria because I wouldn’t give her another cookie, the baby that inflicted a horrible waking nightmare of everyone I know and love disappearing from existence just because she was left alone in a crib for all of a few minutes, or maybe the baby that decided her alarm clock would be much more fun as a massive yellow bird with a giant neck that had a lot to say about numbers and the alphabet that the FOURTH baby had me compulsively hug before said large talking bird was turned into Equestria’s biggest pineapple by baby three as I was STILL hugging it, and it detonated into sticky, juicy chunks that were all gleefully consumed by all four babies that desperately needed baths before nap time at that point?”
Sunset took a moment to look at Spike and worked her mouth up and down as if the words of superiority would just come to her as it began to dawn on her that for all the troubles - the sexy, yet DISTURBING troubles - she had experienced this day, she was not the Obi-wan enjoying the high-ground in this particular exchange. “Okay, in hindsight, I suppose exceptions can be made for super powerful alicorn babies that more-or-less have several aspects of reality as their playthings.”
Spike simply nodded. “Oh, I have no idea how long we have before crazy alicorn metabolism kicks all the sleepy meds out of their system, but a word to the wise? If you HAVE to take a magic bolt, take baby Cadance’s. There’s a lot of snuggling in your future that’ll make it a lot harder to feed babies when you’re compulsively spooning a zebra, but it’s all far more preferable to the being set on fire, feeling a deep, dark emptiness inside your soul, or worrying you’ll be turned into fruit.”
“That’s, uh, certainly advice!” Sunset replied. “Okay! We got this~!” Sunset warbled in an odd sing-song tone. “I know things seem bad, and messed up, Fixer-tap-dancing-Christ practically everyone I know and love wants all kinds of inside my pants, but WE. WILL. MAKE. THIS. HAPPEN!” Sunset declared as her turquoise eyes betrayed the fact that her brain had clearly packed its bags and was desperate to catch a train that was about to leave the station. “And together we're going to run around, Spike! We're going to... going to do all kinds of wonderful things, Spike. Just you and me, Spike. The outside world is our enemy, Spike, we're the only friends we've got, Spike! It's just Sunset and Spike. Sunset and Spike and their adventures, Spike.. SUNSET AND SPIKE FOREVER AND FOREVER A HUNDRED YEARS Sunset and Spike.. some...things.. Erm… Me and you runnin' around and... Sunset and Spike time... all day long forever! All a hundred days Sunset and Spike! forever a hundred times…! OVER and over Spike and Sunset... adventures dot com.. W W W dot at Sunset and Spike dot com w..w..w... Sunset and Spike adventures a hundred years! Every minute Sunset and Spike dot com.... w w w a hundred times... Sunset and Spike dot com..."
Spike threw his claws into the air. “Filly, do I need to slap the overactive teenage hormones out of your system?!”
“Cool! Start with my flank-No, no!” Sunset said hastily as she waved a forehoof in front of her. “I’m quite certain that’ll just put another obstacle in between us and saving the known universe! Now, let’s go get that cure and help that adorable, destructive baby!”
Spike folded his arms across his chest as his wings seemingly twitched in irritation. “You mean the potion that turns full grown adult alicorns into babies? You want to get that and give it to a literal baby.” The young drake rubbed his temples irritably, took three deep breaths and continued, “Sunset, I hate to be that dragon, but I sorta need you to get your head in the game after the day I’ve had. If I just needed somepony to come up with horrible ideas I would have clued Starlight into what was going on and accepted there was a good chance her solution would be to just make everypony in Equestria a baby to balance things out.”
Panic suddenly flashed across Sunset’s face. “Uh, what I meant to say is: let’s go fly to the zebra who can tell us if this potion is safe to use on babies!” Sunset turned towards the nearest window, and promptly obliterated it and the surrounding frame in a fiery blaze. “Quickly, Spike! Mount me and let’s get off together!”
“You and I know you could have just opened or even teleport—”
“For God’s sake, just get on top of me! In a non-sexual way if you REALLY care about the fate of the universe, because it’s getting EXCEEDINGLY hard from over here for the last adult Princess in Equestria!” Sunset’s lips twisted for a moment. “Man, that line would have been funnier if I had a penis… like about a good quarter of the fantasies I’ve encountered today.”
“Listen, both those things sound great, but there’s a bed with four sleeping babies and—”
With an anguished cry from Sunset and the sounds of several crystal walls giving way, the large, makeshift cradle of Twilight’s bed came down, babies in all, through the ceiling of the already somewhat broken portal room and hovered a good meter off the ground in a red orb.
“Okay, that works!” Spike cried as he clambered onto Sunset’s back, taking care not to straddle her wings.
“Awww…” Sunset uttered in disappointment. “I mean-AWAY!” she cried heroically as she took flight into the sky above Twilight’s castle, keeping the bed a few pony lengths behind her as she soared majestically through the sky. She immediately broke into song. “Turn around, look at what you seeeeeEEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeee, yeah-eeeeh~”
“Speaking of turning around,” Spike said, “We’re heading the WRONG direction.”
“Oh, Mom dangit!” Sunset cried. As she made a 180-degree turn in the air. “Okay! In her face, the mirror of your dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeaaams, whooo-oh!~”
“Still the wrong way, Sunset.”
“Spike!” Sunset snapped. “You’re apparently the only teenager in CREATION who can prioritize the fate of the universe over getting his dick wet! So, if you could be a lot less vague, that’d be a great buckin’ help!”
“Dicks,” Spike corrected quickly.
“… What?”
Spike held up two claws. “I have a hemipenis, meaning I have two of them. I mean, as long as you want me to be specific…”
“GrrrrrraaaaaaaHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHCHEW!” Sunset roared-sneezed as she flew over Ponyville. “Grrrrreeeeeaat…” she muttered. “Ever want to know what it’s like to fantasies about doing your roommate to the beat of dubstep plugged into a double headed dildo while she works your erogenous zones with a cello bow?”
“…Not until this very second, no,” Spike admitted.
“Yeah, me neither!”
“Look, if you just take us down right now, I think that’ll ease the tension here and it’ll be much more relieved about—”
“Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!I’M DOING IT!” Sunset screamed as she descended along with the bed into the forest below where a pack of Timber Wolves were presented with surprise delicacies on a fluffy platter before not one but two previously unknown creatures made it clear that said wolves were NOT top of the food chain and also made out of very, very flammable wood.
Part 2: Hey that’s alright, my life has never been a bed of babies.
With all the grace of an angry bull hyped up on cocaine, Sunset Shimmer burst through the door of Zecora’s hut followed by a displeased Spike and Twilight’s magically englobed bed which smashed through the witch doctor’s front entrance as Sunset screamed “Oh, YEAH!” before she unceremoniously lowered the bed amongst the rubble.
Though initially startled by this unexpected confusion, Zecora looked up from her cauldron to glare at this intrusion.
Spike shot a highly irritated look at his compatriot. “Do I need to remind you the babies are sleeping and if they wake up, this whole situation goes from bad to apocalyptic?” he said as a tossed a glance at the bed to ensure the babies were still asleep.
“It’s fine! It’s fine!” Sunset stressed. “We just need to move super-fast before the baby drugs wear off and everything will be peachy keen!”
“Okay, but maybe you could have just left the bed outside?!”
“WHAT?!” Sunset snarled. “It’s the Everfree! There are baby-eating hawks out there, Spike!”
“I just meant the be—”
“One mishap with nature and suddenly I’m a blubbering mess explaining to Equestria what happened to all the princesses while I let Starlight play Reanimator!”—
“Alright, just talk right over me.”
—“Is that what you want, Spike?! Undead baby princesses?! Because leaving babies outside in the super dangerous woods is how you get undead baby princesses!”
A gargle squawk sounded out and Spike tracked the noise to a beak sitting atop a smashed watermelon pile crammed into a large clay pot. “I’d honestly feel a lot worse for the hawk that made the attempt…”
Sighing as she looked over the fresh new mess which overtook the rubble from her new sunroof and chunks of animals turned to produce she had cleaned earlier, Zecora shot Sunset a glare. “Thank you for making a mess of my door, it really adds to the current decor.”
Sunset was clearly in a mood to have exactly none of this. She took a few wide strides and thrust a forehoof under Zecora’s chin as her face became far too uncomfortably close to that of the zebra’s. “Stow it, you after-school special created to appeal to the urban demographic!”
Spike cringed. “Dude, harsh.”
Sunset simply barreled on, her words seemingly flowing from her mouth before she could think them. “Listen! The other four Princesses are out of commission because of your cure!” Sunset expanded her wings, one of which bumped a jar of something ichory and eye-bally and sent it shattering to the ground. “See these wings?!” Sunset pointed at her horn. “See this swollen horn?! This means I’m the only Princess in charge of your buckin’ bucks! That’s right! I’m the sun Princess now! Everything the light touches is mine!” Sunset pursed her lips for a moment, then gently scooched Zecora into a sunbeam coming from directly overhead. “That’s right! I own you!”
“Uh, Sunset?” Spike tried to interject.
“I own this planet!
“Sunset!”
“You know what! BUCK this planet!” Sunsetscreamed as she turned towards the hole in the tree hut and fired off a massive beam of crimson energy which exploded in a fiery blast into the direction of the Everfree. The immediate area was quickly littered with falling dirt, rocks, and flaming tree as the forest shattering ‘kaboom’ subsided.
“SUUUUUUNSET!” Hollered Spike.
“WHAAAAAAAT?!” Sunset shrieked as she wheeled around.
“You’re being kind of a megalomaniac douchenozzle, here! Megalomania I can deal with, douchenozzle to my friends, on the other claw…” Spike said as he pivoted a claw palm upwards.
“I’m stressed and horny, okay?!” Sunset snapped.
“Right, but how does insulting Zecora and screaming help the situation exactly?” Spike asked as he spared another glance in the direction of the slumbering infants.
“I…” Sunset thought for a moment and mentally went back through the things she said. “Oh… Oh, God! Sorry! Did that come off as racist?! I’m not racist! I just, you know… am in charge of Equestria right now and my Mom and family are literally a bunch of babies instead of the usual figuratively!”
Although Sunset’s previous exchange had temporarily made Zecora wish she could hate somepony to death, she instead elected to take a deep breath. “While I’m inclined to accept your apology, I ask that you please not make a mess of the local ecology.”
Apparently oblivious to Zecora’s statement, Sunset instead turned to Spike in a near panic. “Spike, Spike! I think I said one or more things that could be considered racist! And I didn’t meeeeeeaaaaan to! I’d have called Zecora a name and said I owned her even if she was a rapping dog, bear, or like… fire elemental even!”
Spike swatted at Sunset’s cheek with an open claw. “Get a hold of yourself, filly!”
Sunset went quiet for a moment as she raised a forehoof to her cheek in stunned silence, then responded by wrapping her forelegs behind Spike’s neck and her lips around his.
“Mmmmph! Mmmmmph!” Spike raised his hand and pressed them against the alicorn princess’s face as her tongue began exploring the far reaches of his mouth. Try as he might, he found her alicorn strength a bit beyond his ability to merely push away, but he managed to move his head far enough to the right that his lips escaped the lock Sunset’s had placed on them. “Sunset, I’m flattered, but we’ve got work to do.”
“Sorry! Sorry!” Sunset exclaimed as she released her grip on Spike. “I just thought you were coming on to me!”
“I slapped you!” Spike pointed out.
“Roughly coming on to me!” Sunset qualified.
“You really took a slap as me coming onto you?”
“Have I mentioned I’m incredibly horny?” The mare whined.
Spike smirked. “Hi, Horny, I’m Spike.”
Sunset grimaced. “Ghah… Alright dad, can I go throw up in the corner, now?”
“I don’t know, can you?”
Sunset held up her forelegs in frustration for a moment before her expression softened. “You know what, keep going with the dad jokes. I’m feeling less attracted to you by the second.”
“Oh uh…” Spike looked around the witch doctor’s home. “You know what this hut needs is a good deck.”
Sunset frowned. “No, not working. The idea of you building stuff is setting off some primal need to make Kirin babies with you.” Sunset turned to Zecora. “Hey, Miss Ryma-Stripes, you got anything that works on unexpected pony hea—”
Zecora unceremoniously dumped a pot of ice water all over the horny sunspot.
Sunset shrieked momentarily before the breath got caught in her throat.
“If impure thoughts are testing your willpower, I find a good solution is a cold shower!”
“C-cold! Not FREEZING!” Sunset snarled.
Zecora gave Sunset a wicked smile. “Well, while you have behaved like a demon, I believe this makes us even.”
Sunset took a calming breath. “Alright, faaaahhhAhhhh—” Sunset reared back as her eyes closed.
Spike cringed. “Hit the—”
“— chew!” Sunset let out a not so calming sneeze that, in turn, let out a spray of fiery, glimmering glitter from her horn that blasted Zecora in the face.
Spike sighed. “— deck.”
Zecora wiped the magical substance from her face while Sunset rubbed her nose with the back of a foreleg.
“You haven’t made it yet,” Sunset said. She turned to Zecora. “Also, being berated is your kink?” She asked in surprise. “Guess I feel better about my douche-canoe entrance now.”
Zecora stared at Sunset in wide-eyed surprise. “Okay. Just. What? Is your alicorn power to see everypony’s mental smut?”
Sunset shook her entire body and mane, spraying water everywhere before she threw up a foreleg. “No! It’s empathy but everyone apparently wants in my pants today!”
“Okay, for starters, you’re not wearing pants,” Spike began.
“That kinda helps explain things!” Sunset replied.
Spike continued, “Also, I know you’ve looked in the mirror many times, are you honestly surprised?”
Sunset thought for a moment. “Right, right… With everything going on I momentarily forgot that I’m practically the walking definition of sex on fire.”
A small yawn sounded out from Twilight’s bed followed by a pink ray of light.
“Oh, that reminds me!” Sunset said. “The babies with the unstable god-powers, that’s still a thing.”
Spike walked over to Sunset and immediately glomped her. “Tick-tok! Ugh… still wet.”
“I know! I know!” Sunset said. She turned back towards Zecora. “Look, we need a cure for, and I can’t possibly stress this enough, BABY Flurry Heart. One that won’t, you know… unmake her.”
Zecora glanced over at Sunset as she thought to reassure the alicorn princess. “Though the cure’s effects are still unclear, I can guarantee the child will not disappear.”
Sunset frowned. “Can you give me more to go off than your guarantee? If anything happens to Flurry Heart I’m going to get Starlight to pull some time magic, and that probably won’t end well for anypony, but at least no one will have to live with infanticide!”
Zecora gave Sunset a heavy frown then stared upward and turned around. She walked towards a wall, pivoted, then trotted the other way with her face wrinkled as her brain had suffered a stall. Wordlessly working her lips around, she finally turned to Sunset to give her the breakdown. “The cure’s effects are whimsical for sure. Yet, the magic of those that drink it cannot be omit.”
“Huh, alright,” Sunset replied. “You know you can try not talking in rhyme, right?”
Her patience already starting to wear, Zecora shot Sunset a glare. “I’m afraid it’s something of an impulsive tick, like your unrelenting ability to be a bitch.”
Sunset couldn’t help but close her eyes as she let out a good-natured chuckle. “Oh, I like you. Well, I’m going to need you to get a tiny dose of that stuff, so hop on the baby bed and we can head out to the former site of the Crystal Empire.”
Zecora gave Sunset a disbelieving look. “Surely it is only the cure you require, I see no need to enter the crossfire?”
“I’m literally an unfocused hot mess right now and if you’re out, the most level-headed will be a pubescent dragon who’s currently nuzzling my mane with his face like I’m a lamp and doing so will get his wish granted. And if that wish is ‘getting laid by the lamp’, there’s a good chance he’s going to get it!”
“Sorry!” Spike said. “It’s not me, it’s Cadence’s magic cuddle ray, but saying that’s certainly not going to get me to stop.”
“Right, no one is asking you to,” Sunset said. She again turned back to Zecora. “Listen, I know you just met me and this is crazy, but the world is in danger, so please get on the bed with all the babies.”
Zecora’s lips contorted for a moment before she rushed to her shelves. She began to dart one way then the other as she began to gather potions, some white powder, and a pot to gather a generous helping of the mashed orange substance she was making. “If Equestria itself is at stake, then I suppose we cannot wait!” she announced as she gently crawled onto the bed as not to disturb any of the sleeping princesses. Though seemingly like sharks smelling blood in the water, this was followed by a series of small yawns as the assorted infants in the baby pile began to stretch their legs and open their eyes. Zecora swallowed. “Although this is a group of adorable tots, I must admit I’m having second thoughts!”
“Don’t worry!” Sunset said. “I wouldn’t have put you back there if I thought you didn’t deserve it.”
Zecora’s eyes narrowed. “Insufferable, stuck-up thot,” she mumbled loud enough for Sunset to hear.
Sunset’s ears shifted slightly and she frowned. “Wait, that didn’t-Oh. OOhh! Haha. Clever!”
With a magenta blast from Twilight’s horn and a ‘Zooort!’ Zecora’s clay pot of mush suddenly exploded into a generous collection of large, bright orange spiders that began to crawl all over Zecora and the babies to the former’s great distress and the latter’s great delight.
“Dude, that’s creepy…” Spike muttered as he held Sunset tight and watched baby Twilight stuff one of the carrot-constructed creatures into her mouth. The other babies also began to snack on their newly created spider friends.
“At least they’re eating!” Sunset quipped.
“Uhhhhhhgggggggghhhhhu,” Zecora moaned in fright. “I’m too scared to yelp, and wouldn’t mind a little help.”
“Yer doing fine!” Sunset announced with a slightly sadistic smile. She looked upward, a heroic expression on her face. “Okay! To the Crystal Empire!”
Spike detached himself from Sunset to fold his arms across his chest. “You’re not going to be able to fly us all the way to the Crystal Empire, especially not while carrying a bed with four babies firing off magical beams and a fully grown Zebra!”
“I can if I believe in myself!” Sunset claimed.
“Sunset!”
“No!”
“Sunset!”
“Not listening!” Sunset put both forehooves over her ears.
“We.”
“Oh, lalalalalalala~!”
“Need.”
“Lalalalalalala~!”
“To.”
“LALALALALALALALA~!”
“TAKE!”
“LALALALALALALALA~!”
“THE TRAIN!”
Sunset stopped singing and shot Spike a death glare. “There HAS to be a better—”
“Starlight might be able to teleport us there in a few jumps,” Spike interrupted. “But that means asking Starlight to put her special brand of solution finding to the situation.”
Sunset groaned. “Train it is!” Sunset extended her wings and once again started upwards. “Okay, Spike! Mount me!”
“You know I have wings now, right?” Spike said as he extended out his leathery wings to their full span. “I mean, I’m down for a good flying pony ride every now and again, but I can get myself to the tra—”
“Just hop on top of me already, dangit!” snarled Sunset.
“Okay, okay! Geez!” Spike said as he clambered on top of Sunset.
“AWAY!” Sunset declared as she shot upwards, floating the bed behind her as it smashed through more of Zecora’s hut.
Zecora sighed heavily as surveyed the further damage of her home. “Since I know that you are not blind, I must ask, do you mind?”
“AWAY!” Sunset exclaimed.
“Sunset,” Spike said. “The train station is that way!” he said as he gestured behind the group with a thumb claw.
Sunset growled then let out a defeated sigh. “… I really wish I was heading away…”
Part 3: How to Train Your Alicorn Super Babies
The train car was packed.
Ponies of all races, sizes, and ages were huddled together and cuddling. Sunset supposed that this was due to either magical compulsion or fear, but she still couldn’t help but look at them all appraisingly.
One could cut the tension in the cabin with a knife; maybe because Sunset had gathered every pony —including the sandy-colored, earth pony conductor —together for an important announcement. Or possibly because she was sandwiched between a particularly exasperated young dragon and a zebra that had her arms full of super-powered alicorn infants. Both Spike and Zecora did everything and anything to distract the little bundles of magical energy with basically only their faces as tools, as day and night constantly shifted back and forth complete with the occasional eclipse.
Things probably would have been a wee bit more relaxed if it weren't for the odd piece of luggage running around barking and ‘licking’ ponies with whatever odd pieces of clothing happened to be inside.
After what seemed like an eternity of Sunset simply taking in the display in front of her, she addressed the crowd in a rather grievous tone, “Fillies and Gentlecoats! Somepony on this train… is a saboteur!”
The ponies on the train swallowed and looked at their neighbors — or the ponies they were cuddling — nervously as the sun seemingly choose that moment to disappear and everypony was bathed in moonlight. Who could it be? What kind of a pony could even do such a thing as endanger a train full of innocent train-goers who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wro—
“And it’s me!” Sunset announced before she gleefully stepped back through the door into the small car between the engine and passenger car everypony had piled into. Her horn immediately blazed red, then spike, Zecora, and the babies were quickly whisked behind Sunset as she decoupled the train engine from the car with a smile on her face. “Eat my entire vagina, SUCK TRAIN!” she shouted as the section Sunset and her friends were on began to pull away from the cars it had been hauling.
Taking a moment to collect his wits, the train’s former conductor displayed his disapproval.
Vehemently.
“Oh, this is OUTRAGEOUS!” he hollered out amongst the confused ponies. “I don’t care if you are a Princess! Princess Celestia and Luna will hear about this!”
Sunset turned and gathered the two babbling baby princesses in her forelegs, then turned again to face the irate pony. “Here they are! Complain away!” she said with a saccharine smile.
The former conductor had only a moment to react to the situation with wide-eyed confusion before Luna’s horn shimmered with midnight blue energy and a similar-colored beam dotted with tiny stars fired off into the passenger car before the glow of the energy washed over the ponies in it. A dreamy, calm look suddenly came over everypony.
“I mean, do whatever you want, oh divinity from another dimension!” the former conductor said.
“That’s what I like to hear!” Sunset said as the train continued to pull away. She turned to face the front. “My actions not having any consequences, just like Starlight when I’m not around!” She raised Luna to her face and began nuzzling the infant. “That’s a good auntie!”
Baby Luna cooed in delight and returned the nuzzle while, Celestia, cradled in Sunset’s other arm, puffed out her lips and glared in a jealous pout.
Holding Cadence who was content to snuggle her caretaker, Zecora stared at the train cars as they shrank into the distance. “While I appreciate that our task is now hastened, what in Tartarus just happened?!”
While the baby Twilight in his arms let out small noises of protest as she reached out for baby Celestia, Spike shot Sunset a glare. “Sunset. Sunset Shimmer is what happened. And this is pretty reckless, even for you!” he cried at the remaining adult alicorn.
“Hey! You saw the state the train was in just by virtue of us being there with these four adorable half-pint demi-gods! Everything on the trains was more messed up than usual! We did everypony a favor,” Sunset insisted.
~>-o- A few minutes prior -o-<~
Sunset stared out the train window, her overstressed expression showing that she’d clearly rather be somewhere amongst the landscape she stared at even if she didn’t necessarily know where that might be. Teeny-tiny Twilight was clutched in Sunset’s left foreleg as Sunset attempted to stave off Twilight’s habit of turning the benches on the train into butternut squash before ponies ran out of places to sit. As a result of Twilight’s antics, Sunset found herself separated from all adult or ‘close enough’ creatures but Zecora by both distance and a massive pile of squash she couldn’t even see over, where on the other side, presumably, ponies were making peace with the image of their beloved Sun Princess currently going at Sunset’s right ear like a dog with a rawhide bone.
The infant Princess Cadence had decided Sunset doubled as a jungle gym and was busy clambering up her left foreleg then up towards her neck repeatedly to ride her back down like a slide. Baby Princess Luna, thankfully, was content to sleep by Sunset’s side, the day undoubtedly feeling unnatural for the tiny-tyke to be up during. Trouble was that she had decided to use Sunset’s tail as a pillow, making Sunset feel guilty about the very thought of moving.
Sunset turned away from the window to shoot an irritated glare at her zebra compatriot who was busy mixing a couple of things with the orange, gooey paste she had brewed up prior. “Are you sure you can’t take care of at least one baby while you do that?!” Sunset hissed as Cadance let out a delighted burble as the tiny alicorn slid off Sunset’s back once more.
“While I understand your frustration at the mission, it’s important that the babies get the proper nutrition,” Zecora answered while she added a bit of white powder to the mush.
Sunset cringed as she felt a particularly hard bite on her ear. “Well, how much protein does a pony ear contain, you reckon?”
“Forgive this one who was not born with the great advantage of a horn,” came the slightly testy reply.
Sunset glanced up at the pointed protrusion coming off her forehead. “This just makes me slightly more qualified to deal with these adorable tiny terrors,” she replied as Twilight’s horn glowed magenta, and a beam fired off that was quickly blocked by a fiery shield projected from Sunset horn. “That doesn’t automatically mean I should handle all four of these babies.”
“While I’ll help you soon for sure,” Zecora said as she held up her pot of orange goo with one hoof and gave it a vigorous stir with a wooden spoon with the other. “For now, you’ll have to endure.”
Sunset sneered as the midnight-blue pony below let out a loud snore. “Well not to be too blunt,” Sunset began, “but you’re being kind of a cu—”
“I’m back!” Spike cried as he crawled out of the middle of the squash heap holding a cardboard box.
Twilight responded to the new arrival by extending her forelegs and uttering a tiny, excited “Thpic!”
Sunset finally cracked a smile. “Thanks, Spike!” she said as a sparkling red magical aura surrounded both Twilight and the box and swapped the pony for the prize Spike had brought her. “But why didn’t you just fly over the squash?”
Spike accepted the tiny alicorn without hesitance, who let out a soft sigh of contentment as she rubbed herself against his chest, but frowned heavily at Sunset’s words. He looked at the squash pile, then at the wings at his back, and smacked his forehead with an open claw much to the delight of Twilight in his other arm.
Sunset chuckled. “Happens to the best of us,” she said simply before she telekinetically opened the box. The smell of freshly cut flowers sandwiched between two slices of oat bread greeted her and she eyed her lunch hungrily.
“A-chew!” came the sneeze from the tiny pony atop Sunset’s frown. With the sneeze came a visible mist that seemingly covered every bit of her sandwich.
With a growl, Sunset’s horn glowed red once more and she blasted open a nearby window and tossed the sandwich out into the landscape as it sped by.
“I must admit these displays are making me unwary,” Zecora said as she rose a spoon full of orange mush up to the eager mouth of Celestia. “But destroying that window was quite unnecessary.”
“Well, hey, maybe we wouldn’t even be in this predicament if somezebra did a little more research on her potion before awwww-aaaaah-ACHEW!” Sunset sneezed a cloud of fiery, glowing glitter out of her horn. A cloud that wafted out over the squash pile. Her face tightened. “Seriously?! Here, too?! Even when there’s a pile of produce between me and everypony? It’s not even mating season!” Sunset cried in exasperation. She took a deep breath. “Alright, you two… Gather everypony in the passenger car behind the engine.”
Spike thought for a moment. “What, all the passengers, or do you mean all the passengers, staff, and even conduc—”
“EV-RY-PO-NY!” Sunset cried. This was punctuated by an angry babble from baby Celestia directed at Spike as if she was agreeing with the only fully-grown sun Princess present.
~<-o->~
“Plus, I really need to get off the train,” Sunset concluded.
Spike raised an eyebrow. “Get off the train, or get off on the train,” he asked, adding a sultry inflection to the latter half of the sentence.
Sunset’s eyes narrowed. “You’re just lucky I find that kind of wit attractive, Mr. double-dicks.”
A wicked smile spread across Spike’s face. “Why Ms. Sex-on-fire, flattery will get you fulfilled in ways you never thought possible.”
Zecora’s eyes darted between the two other ‘grown-ups’ on the train. She piped up, “Before you two decide to get steamy, let me remind we have Princesses which are currently mini.”
Sunset took in a deep breath and let it out as a heavy sigh. “Alright, alright. ‘World Saving Mode IngaaaahhhhHHHCHEW!”
Again, Sunset’s alicorn allergy dust went everywhere. Sunset’s face muscles suddenly went on a rampage as she seemingly tried to express every emotion at once. She began to rapidly fire off words, “Everypony-should-cuddle-I-DESIRE-more-attention-Man-Sunset-is-still-hot-when-she’s-angry-I-want-WHITE-pony-friend-I-AM-THE-NIGHT-While-it’s-true-we-may-die-that-Sunset-is-a-sexy-mare-I-can’t-deny.”
Rather than acknowledge anything just spoken, Sunset cleared her throat as she maintained eye contact with her companions and Celestia crawled her way back up to the top of Sunset’s head where she began her vigorous chewing regiment on the other ear. “Okay, we just need to ride this train out to the crystal empire — Ow! Mom, not so hard!— give Flurry her cure, and then we can toss these adorable bundles at ponies who actually have the most experience with a demi-goddess baby.”
Spike rolled his eyes. “We’ll just have to hope nothing happens to this train now that you basically kicked off all the ponies qualified to run it.”
“How hard can it be?!” Sunset asked as she tossed her free forehoof into the air. She motioned to the front of the train. “The train is literally on tracks!”
Spike gave Sunset a sour look. “There’s more to it than that. You have to coordinate the activities of the train crew, for starters.”
“They’re on the cars we abandoned. Mission accomplished. Next.”
Spike’s eyes tightened. “You also need to coordinate activities of switch-engine crew near the destination so the train doesn’t crash into anything on arrival.”
"All I'm hearing is an excuse to re-enact The Rapid and the Rabid 5, and ditch the train before it disintegrates into an amazing fireball." Sunset mused, "Do you know where we could get a modded out stagecoach?"
Spike’s frown only increased. “Plus, conductors need to regulate the steam pressure to make sure the train runs swiftly, but not dangerously so, because it could jump tracks, crash, and kill everypony on it totally unexpectedly.”
“Oh…” Sunset gave Spike a nervous grin. “I don’t suppose you know how to operate a train?”
Spike sighed, rolled his eyes, and gave Twilight to Sunset. The currently-in-rule-by-default Alicorn attempted to juggle the three babies in her forelegs. His claws now free, Spike reached into one of his built-in pockets and produced a train conductor’s hat. He quickly put it on then made his way to the knobs and controls of the train and grumbled something about a crazy filly that was going to get everyone killed.
“Great! It’s settled!” Sunset said. “Everything is fine and will be that way forever!” announced the alicorn suffering from magical haywire allergies who also was taking care of what was basically her family turned into babies as her mother specifically teethed on one of her ears.
Like a baboon presenting a newborn lion cub to the savannah’s entire population, Zecora reached Cadance up to Sunset’s free ear where the alicorn immediately took a page out of the book Celestia was in the middle of and began nibbling on the still slightly soggy appendage.
“Was that really necessary?” Sunset asked in an annoyed tone.
“I hate to be a killjoy, but I need my hooves so food I can deploy.” The zebra didn’t sound the least bit sorry. “And since your hooves were in quite the lurch, I thought your head may be a better perch.”
Sunset sighed heavily as the four babies in her forelegs immediately began to squirm and try to escape from her grasp. “No, no… I deserve this for that last sentence…”
~-o-Many attempts to feed the babies later-o-~
Sunset’s already orange coat was now several shades and several coats oranger as her pin-prick sized pupils stared off so far away they might have well not have been in the same dimension. “Everything is covered in carrot and I don’t know how much longer I can bear it.”
Zecora, who now had enough additional color she could pass as a gum mascot, struggled with the spoon as she attempted to bring it to a, also much oranger than usual, Celestia who giggled and swatted at the spoon with a wing, launching the slightly thicker mound of goo off in some direction. “Oh, how I wish I didn’t just have hooves, if I had a horn, I’m certain things would be much improved.”
Spike whipped the fresh splatter from his cheek with a spare claw as he took his eyes off the tracks in front of him and took in the two grown ponies on the train, one white-turned-orange baby held in Sunset’s foreleg, and other three baby ponies running amok in the mush. “Well, could you keep away the goo? I’m trying to operate the train in this small area just for crew! Also, it’s bad enough that everything is covered in slime, but must I listen to two equines rhyme?”
Sunset raised an eyebrow in Spike’s direction as she cradled Celestia in one foreleg and let the tiny princess suckle pureed carrot off her forehoof. "I can't help it, you vexed bint! Ponies know from birth they’re supposed to sing along unless it's a solo piece of the song! What's your excuse, Mister Obtuse?"
Spike threw his claws into the air. "I was raised by ponies, you racist phony!"
Sunset’s eyes widened as she leaned back. "Okay, one, that was so harsh it makes me want to stick my head in a mar…” Without warning, Sunset screamed to herself and swatted a pair of forehooves across her own face. Taking a deep breath, she continued. “Two, we call it ‘tribalism’ since ponies are technically the same race. Three, you're a different species, so that makes me speciesist... And I am not helping my case am I?"
Spike smirked. "That’s all a mouthful, phony pony. Wouldn’t it be easier to admit you're a little bit racist?”
Sunset shot Spike a judgmental look. "Well, you're a little bit too!"
Spike suddenly stood up straight as his eyes widened in realization. "I guess we're both a little bit racist."
"Admitting it is not an easy thing to do~" Sunset sang.
"But I guess it's true~" Spike mused, also in song at this point.
"Between me and you, I bet~" Sunset added as Spike joined her in singing “Everyone's a little bit racist, sometiiiiiiiiiimes~!" The pair turned and smiled at each other. "Doesn't mean we go around committing hate cr~i—”
Zecora suddenly thrust herself between the two and thrust a forehoof forward as she stared frightfully onwards. “While I hate to interrupt, the tracks come to a stop that is CLEARLY abrupt!”
Spike and Sunset’s eyes whipped around in the direction of Zecora’s hoof was pointing.
“Crud, CRUD!” Spike cried. “The Empire INCLUDING everything attached to the train station is gone!”
“I thought you were supposed to keep us safe, Mr. Conductor!” Sunset snapped.
Spike wheeled around. “How is being mad at me in this situation going to keep us alive?!” he demanded fiercely.
“Wow! That’s a really good point!” Sunset replied just as angrily as her horn glowed fiery red and Spike, Zecora, all four babies, and Zecora’s gear were suddenly pulled into a tight embrace as a spherical crimson barrier surrounded the group. “Everyone hold on to your, no doubt, carrot-based lunch! It’s about to get explody and hamster-ball-y up in here!” she said as she extended her wings in the confined space around both babies and compatriots.
Zecora swallowed as baby Cadance cooed contently against her chest. “Well, in case we all happen to die here, that this has been the most stressful day of my life is clear.”
Sunset and Spike exchanged glances.
“What, maybe top ten?” Sunset suggested as Luna trotted in place a few times on her mane, circled three times, yawned, and finally laid in a crescent shape against her horn as the baby alicorn princess closed her eyes.
Spike found the room to raise a single claw in a shrug as Celestia and Twilight flanked his face with tight, smiling, hugs. “Maaaaaybe it cracks the top twenty-five for me,” he offered, punctuating his sentence with another, quietly murmured, “maybe.”
“Really? Twenty-five?” Sunset said in a tone of genuine curiosity.
“I live with both Twilight and Starlight,” Spike reminded.
Sunset didn’t even have to consider it. “Oh, FaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
The colorful speeding train quickly found no more tracks to keep it on a fixed path and immediately tilted into the soft earth that spread up around it at it plowed forward. This brought a short, steamy, and more than a little fiery end to the train’s journey as a large red ball composed of; one-part angry adult alicorn, one part adolescent dragon, one part zebra, four parts baby alicorn, a triple-dash of screaming added flavor, while four parts of mirthful giggles added sauce. The whole recipe bounced away some distance before slowly rolling to a stop and ‘popping’ into an orange mess of creatures that collapsed on the green grass amongst various pots and bottles.
There was a fleeting moment of silence, followed by the sound of heavy chitin hooves marching against the ground like it had simultaneously offended the owner of the hooves, and was also lucky enough to be trotted on by said hooves. “Look, Shining!” Chrysalis said as she craned her neck over the goo to stare at the trio of grown creatures. “A cadre of clowns has arrived in lieu of actual help!”
"Oh look Sunset," Spike snarled back while still laying on his back, "A dethroned malcontent continues to be a hindrance!"
“Wow, excuse you peasant!”
--”I’m Twilight’s personal assistant! I’m probably, like, a Duke, or something!”--
“But I’m currently the Crystal Empire’s only competent babysitter!”
“That’s at least two lies and you know it!” Shining Armor cried as the alicorn baby in his arms looked on in fascination.
“Bleh! Details!” Chrysalis spat out.
Shining peered at the mess of ponies, dragon, zebra, and puree as he clutched a merrily clapping Flurry Heart in his forelegs. “I’m pretty sure that’s Spike—”
“Yo, Shining. Sorry about crashing your train into the crater that was your empire, my bad,” Spike called from a distance.
“It’s cool little bro, was gone before you got here. Oh, and that’s Sunset—”
“Present and... accou-ccccchew! Oh my God! Twilight, stop helping the carrot goo achieve sentience!”
“And uh… Twily’s friend Zecora…” Shining took a closer look at the new arrivals and immediately attempted to deplete the air in front of him of oxygen in one massive gasp.
“Yes, I’m capable of recognizing ponies I’ve met before,” Chrysalis replied haughtily. “Your point being?”
Sunset, Spike, and Zecora took a quick moment to pat themselves with their limbs and establish they were alive before getting back on their legs. This took about much time as it took the four carrot-coated alicorn babies all locked on target to Shining Armor and Flurry Heart. Flurry immediately burbled excitedly at the new playmates and reached her forelegs out as Celestia and Luna began to trot/crawl forward, their eyes on Flurry. Meanwhile Twilight, who was also crawling and Cadance, who had begun an awkward flight, clearly had taken an interest Shining Armor. Shining Armor could only look on with wide eyes as one baby he was seemingly in charge of, turned into five babies that immediately began to climb all over him.
As sixteen additional tiny hooves made contact with his body, Shining Armor froze in place, his expression unreadable. “Oh… Oh… Oh, Princesses… YES!” Shining Armor cried as he tried to gather as much baby into his forelegs as possible. “Give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME!” he cried excitedly as he began to roll around with the quintuple helping of infant, which seemed to gleefully respond in a chorus.
Sunset looked at the display blankly for a moment. “Did you two know that alicorn ovaries apparently have a ‘machine gun’ mode? Because I just learned that just now.”
Spike gave Sunset a sour look as Zecora cringed. “While the sight of a strapping handsome stallion playing with children even gives my heart palpitations, Sunset Shimmer, there is still a thing as ‘too much information.’”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Is that so, Miss ‘chain me to a post and flog me?’”
Chrysalis tilted her head slightly and tossed a glance in Zecora’s direction, clearly at least mildly interested in this bizzare topic shift.
Zecora doubled, then tripled down on her cringing. “Must you add to my shame when your own allergies are to blame? Given my preferences instead, that information was to stay in my head.”
Spike’s lips contorted as he mulled this new bit of information over. “Who would want that many crazy powerful babies all at once?”
“Right,” Sunset agreed. “I mean, you’d probably die.” A glazed over look of pure malicious mirth suddenly spread itself across Sunset’s face like a pool of blood collecting on a sacrificial altar. “But if you could pull it off, who could possibly stop you?”
“OH MY GOSH, I COULD JUST DIE!” Shining Armor cried as he let out a manic laugh.
“Wow, never mind,” Spike muttered as he let his arms dangle from their shoulder sockets.
Chrysalis shot the trio an incredulous look as if she couldn’t believe she was being ignored before glancing at the mass of babies and turning to the new, grown arrivals with renewed irritation. “Oh, good!” She began in a sarcastic tone. “You’ve brought us more trouble! Just… Words cannot express how grateful I am at this turn of events.”
Sunset’s head whipped around, eyes already in the ‘Getting’ really tired of your shit’ position. “Okay, but we—”
“Oh wait, yes they can,” Chrysalis said. “‘Buck you!’”
Something behind Sunset’s already bloodshot eyes snapped,
A horrified look came over Zecora as she looked between Sunset and Chrysalis. “This turn of events I must condemn, because now there are two of them.”
Sunset’s eyes narrowed into slits burning brightly with pure rage as she stepped so close to Chrysalis that the former changeling could feel and see the temperature around her raise considerably. “You want to play the game of who’s had the worst day so far?!” Sunset exclaimed as glob of baby food fell from her left cheek. “Let me tally that for you! OR should I SAY FOUR me?! Because I can guarantee that I’m winning Chrysi!”
Spike cleared his throat.
“… the position of first runner up!” Sunset added. Despite the slight speed bump, she barreled forward. “So, buck you! That’s ONE baby to our four! Do you have any more funny things to say, Chrysi?!”
Chrysalis swallowed. “I do not consent to this nickna—”
“YOU CAN CONSENT TO SHUTTING THE BUCK UP AND LETTING ME FINISH!” Sunset roared. “How much icky fluids have you had to deal with personally, hmmmmm?! Statistically, it’s at LEAST four times less than what we’ve had to deal with!Do you really want to go there, Chrysi?! Are you sure you can withstand the blistering waves of ‘buck you’ Chrysi?!”
Chrysalis opted to take a few steps back, rather than test the temper of the fiery alicorn.
"Well, mark me down as scared AND horny," muttered a confused Chrysalis. "Why hasn't Cadence tied you to our bed?"
"She's scared of me. Why are you purring at that news?!" Sunset cried.
Chrysalis let out a dark, if oddly good natured chuckle for the changeling queen. “Okay, so you’ve had a taxing day, but did you know that rocks could burn?” She asked as she motioned to an alarmingly large amount of fire in the distance. Everyone present took a gander at a nearby mountain that was the new current record for Equestria’s biggest bonfire and holding strong.
“Because I didn’t,” Chrysalis concluded.
Sunset let out an unimpressed scoff. “Clearly you don’t know a lot about fire magic.”
Chrysalis blinked a few times. “Right… Why don’t the other Princesses let you fight the myriad of nasties that befall your pathetic pony country?”
Sunset flashed Chrysalis a demonic grin. “Because it’s a lot harder to reform a pile of ashes into a contributing member of pony society!” she answered sweetly.
There was a beat of silence as Chrysalis took a moment to look at Sunset and just soak up all the Sunset Shimmer she was at the moment. Chrysalis turned to look at Spike. “Spike? All is forgiven.”
“Uh… coolzies?” Spike replied in a clearly confused tone.
Sunset reared back and closed her eyes “Aaa-CHEW!” A spray of sparkling, fiery, glitter blasted Chrysalis in the face.
Chrysalis took a deep breath and wiped the sparkles from her closed eyes as she shot Sunset an annoyed glare. “You’re lucky I’ve already decided I want to rock your stuffy nosed, swollen-eyed, world, Sunset Shimmer.”
Sunset raised a forehoof and opened her mouth as if to reply, but found her eyes trailing sideways as no words came out. “Okay, wow… Didn’t expect to be beaten to the punch on that one, but you might have to get in line.” Sunset nodded her head in the direction of her comrades covered in carrot juices.
Chrysalis took the barest of glances at Spike and Zecora. “Well, if you three can find yourself some running water, you’re in luck. I could use some extended stress relief.”
Zecora stared wide-eyed at the former Changeling Queen who was clearly eyeing her as if she was dessert in a full meal. “To think just a bit ago I thought all was for naught, now I can’t help but think ‘jackpot’.”
“Yeeeeeeaaaaah,” Spike uttered. “Really glad my boys have a pouch at this point, ‘cause that would be one awkward boner… or two, I guess.”
The sound of giggling hit a fever pitch of multi-colored beams and suddenly day turned to sunset, night, sunrise, sunset, night sunrise, and day again. Sunset, Chrysalis, Spike, and Zecora found themselves hugging as potatoes rained from the sky, and the fiery mountain was quickly enveloped in a purplish-black vortex.
Silence once again descended over the group.
“Okay, still having fun!” Shining Armor cried out. “However, I’m no longer certain this is how I want to go out!”
Chrysalis sneered as she looked down at the, notably orange and moist, affection assortment she found herself in. “I do believe I requested a wash down before the festivities commence.”
“Hey!” Sunset replied chipperly. “Did I mention we have a cure for alicorn allergies?”
Chrysalis tossed a wary eye at the quintuple serving of babies present. “I have to admit, I’m feeling a concern backed by potential unconquerable rage that would have served me well before my empire came crashing down.” Chrysalis singled out one member of the group hug and glared daggers. “Thanks, Spike!” she uttered in a tone dripping with venom.
Spike looked up with a glare. “Why must you play with my emotions like this?”
“Look,” Sunset began, “Zecora totally promised that Flurry Heart would be okay if administered the cure, so if this all goes south, you know who to blame!”
Zecora’s eyes shot open wide. “While a relatively safe side-effect is the likely possibility, Sunset, I feel my words you are taking some liberti—”
Chrysalis simply nodded. “If something bad happens to Flurry Heart, the Zebra is first to die as you two make a run for it. Very well.”
“I get murdered while Spike and Sunset flee?! To this, I do not agree!”
“Hey!” Shining chimed in. “I feel, as Flurry’s father, I should have some input!”
Sunset’s demonic grin returned as she shot an askew glance at one of the babies clambering over Shining. “Okay, but what do YOU think, Mama Cadance?”
The pink alicorn cooed in excitement.
Sunset’s smile suddenly went supernova as she detached herself from the hug heap, magicked up the tiny vial of green liquid from the assorted muck, and practically appeared next to Shining Armor and his energetic playmates. “Good enough for me! Bottoms up!” she cried as she uncorked the vial and served up the green liquid into the eager mouth of one Flurry Heart.
