Discord Suffers Several Life-Threatening, Cuteness-Induced Heart Attacks

by Wow_Gay

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Spike, Comedy, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1708

Nobody informed Discord that having a cute boyfriend would be this dangerous for his health.

Spike was cute.

Verified, certified, bonafide adorable, and Discord finds himself being shocked every time it truly hits him just how precious this boy is to him.

Forget Celestia's little gas ball, that brilliant smile is what lights up his life.

At least...that would be the case. You know.

If Discord's life wasn't being threatened every time the boy worked his cutesy charms.

Mushy Dispike fluff. Human AU. Crack-ish.

Art done by myself!

Published 2019-03-15 05:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-15 05:00:02 UTC

Discord Nearly Dies from Adorableness

Dear Diary:

Spike is adorable.

Gods, is he ever adorable.

Don't misunderstand. I was fully aware that he was cute when we began our little...relationship. Long, curly green hair, pale skin, emerald green eyes and soft, impish features. I'm not blind. The boy is physically quite...alluring.

But that was nothing compared to how cute the other things about Spike were.

Like his laugh.

We'd had been hanging out together, naturally, as one does while in a romantic relationship. I wouldn't have sprung to necessarily call it a 'date', but I was out on the town with my boyfriend, so it had to be something similar.

I sat beside Spike, body relaxed. It was peculiar, I always felt just a tinch more relaxed around him.

Anyways, it was going well. We were talking about what had been happening lately in our lives. Normal stuff.

And then came the realization.

Gods, I still shudder, even recalling it.

I shared an anecdote from my younger days (I shant bore you with the details of it here. All I can say it involved me, Hearth's Warming, and a whole lake's worth of figgy pudding), and...

"*snrrk* Pfft-hahahaha! T-That's- *snort* that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Spike giggled, his cheeks turning rosy. He then devolved into snorty giggles, struggling to calm himself down it seemed.

Oh gods.

Oh gods.

It was frighteningly cute.

Now, I know what you may be thinking, dear reader- (speaking of which, you're being rather rude. Quite impolite to peep in on someone's diary.)

Anyways, you're probably saying, 'Alright, alright he's cute, whatever. It's not that deep.'

No.

You aren't listening...

I felt my heart begin to palpitate. My breath catch in my throat. My vision blur.

Spike is mind-bendingly cute.

I wanted to kiss him. Completely kiss the life out of him. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to cuddle him, and snuggle him, and completely smother him in an almost repulsive amount of affection.

It was terrifying.

I was awestruck! Dumbfounded! Flabbergasted! Other synonyms!

But that was only the beginning!

"Discord? Are...are you alright? You look...pale..." He said, his tone taking on a cloying note of concern that I was sure was about to give me several cavities.

"I-I'm fine..." I wheezed (rather pathetically, now that I look back), clutching my chest and attempting to get my erratically thumping heart back in a somewhat more consistent rhythm.

"You clearly aren't, dude." His brow furrowed and his bottom lip poked out in a little p--

Hm.

My apologies, I was forced to step away for a bit. Clear my throat, get some fresh air, and other things that I'll refrain from describing here (keep it G-rated for the kiddos, as it were...).

You'll have to forgive me. The memory of just how obscenely adorable he was just utterly consumed me. Trust me, be thankful you weren't there to witness it. It was diabetes inducing.

Anyways, after he pouted the way he did, I was still struggling to recuperate. But then, horror of horrors, I discovered...

He had only begun to cute.

"R-Really, Spike, I'm quite...hHHNngh...I'm alright. N-No need to worry on my account..."

He frowned at me (gods, even his faces of displeasure are enough to make my heart beat faster), and then huffed. "Dummy...I want you to be okay! Stop being afraid of telling me what's botherin' you." He placed a hand on my own, the one not occupied with clutching my chest, and began rubbing the back of my palm with a thumb. I remember fear filling me, silently pleading with him to please, please stop being so sinfully adorable before he outright killed me-

And then he gave me a peck.

Right on the tip of my nose.

With his cute little lips.

A soft little kiss.

It was...euphoric.

I felt as though I had entered rapture. A state of utter nirvana. As if I, Discord had reached adorable enlightenment.

The world around me swirled into an array of color and sound, distorting wildly in chaotic patterns I could only dream of producing...

And then I woke up in the hospital.

Welp.

Needless to say, I was quite surprised to awaken and discover that I was now holed up in room 124 of Ponyville General Hospital.

"Mr. Discord, are you awake?"

"As awake as I'll ever be." I rasped, wincing at how loud my own voice sounded to my ears. "Where-"

"The hospital. Ponyville General, to be precise. You have suffered a heart attack."

Now, my mind was just the teensiest, weensiest bit foggy, so naturally, I asked why.

"Well, that we aren't sure about. Your partner described everything being mostly normal. Then he claims you started behaving strangely and promptly went into cardiac arrest when kissed."

"Discord?"

My eyes darted to the door, where Spike stood. He looked a bit frazzled, and his eyes appeared a bit glossy and red, likely from crying.

"S-Spike-" My words caught in my throat as I finally recalled all that had transpired up until this point...

He rushed over to my bedside and threw his arms over me. "Oh thank Celestia...you're okay! I was so worried! Y-You collapsed and you were twitching and I was so scared and I had to run to get someone to help you and-" He let out a shaky sigh of relief, and looked back up at me.

My heart clenched as I saw the tears staining his cheeks. He then began to pepper me in smooches, clearly overjoyed and exuberant at my recovery.

At least, that was what I rationally assumed he was doing it. Meanwhile, my heart saw it as yet another adorable attack on its life, and promptly seized again.

The world swirled into vibrant shades and hues once more, and the sound of the voices of the nurse and Spike slurred and faded.

Second times the charm, I supposed.

"Mr. Discord, as a medical professional, I must inform you that suffering cardiac arrest from the cuteness of one's significant other is literally impossible."

"Well, as myself, I must inform you that you're wrong, because clearly it isn't. Because I'm in the hospital. After suffering cardiac arrest. Because my boyfriend is cute."

The doctor, who clearly was regretting his career choice at that instant, sighed and pressed a hand to his forehead. "Are you sure this doesn't have something to do with your...eccentric diet of...rarely anything of nutritional value?"

I squinted at him and shrunk beneath the thin hospital covers. "I just suffered a cuteness induced heart attack, and you're lecturing me about not eating my veggies?"

The doctor sighed. "I just find it incredibly difficult to believe."

"Have you seen Spike?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "While your boyfriend is very...cute-"

"Indeed."

"-Cuteness is not a trigger for heart attacks, Mr. Discord."

"Maybe it's an outlier! Conduct some tests or something! My life is at stake, doctor!"

He rolled his eyes so impressively that for a moment even I was in awe. "Well, if you truly believe he's the trigger for it, then why not break up with him?"

I promptly gave him a look that peeled the paint on the wall behind him and made the bouquet of flowers on the table by the door wither and die. "While heart attacks are quite obnoxious, I'd honestly rather die than watch him cry, which I'm 90% sure would happen if I just randomly did that." I hissed venomously.

He held his hands up in in exasperation and surrendered. "Fine, whatever! Do what you wish, Mr. Discord. What in Tartarus is the point of a bloody doctor if you don't listen to any of their advice!?" He ranted as he left, slamming the door behind him with a bang.

Leaving me alone.

With my thoughts.

Always a poor move, if I'm honest.

"Yo. Discord?"

Discord turned his head towards where the boy's voice had come from. "Yes, O wonderful love of mine?"

The teen stared at the leatherbound book in his hands, then up at his boyfriend, who was wearing a black blindfold around his eyes. "Yeah uh...you know how you told me that the doctor said you were...light sensitive?"

"Mmhm. Sun in the eyes equals unpleasant experience."

The boy narrowed his eyes. "I have a...hunch that isn't true."

Discord frowned nervously. "And uh...what proof do you have that...that is the case?"

"This part in your diary where it says, 'I'll wear something over my eyes. If I can't see him, his cuteness won't be threatening me because I can't see him. Wow Discord, you're so wonderfully, dastardly clever. Remind yourself to give yourself a pat on the back for being such a terribly intelligent spirit'." Spike recited, eyebrow raised in blatant unamusement.

Discord broke out in a cold sweat. "Ah...w-well...uhm...hm."

"Y'know making weird noises isn't gonna distract me from what's going on, right?"

"...hhngh."

Spike pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Oh my gods...look, Discord, it's not that serious."

"Pfft, says you! I find living very important, which I can't do if I have to bare witness to anymore of your tooth rotting adorableness!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "I'm not even that cute..."

Discord gasped. "Hold your tongue! That's sheer blasphemy! If you say that again, who knows what sort of...eldritch abomination of cuteness will arrive!"

"I'm not that cute." Spike deadpanned.

Discord gave a full body shudder, clenching his hair. "Ah, the horror...the sheer wrongness of those words! Like black tongues into the ears of gibbering madmen!" He crowed.

Spike just sighed, wondering how in the world he had gotten to this point in his young life.

After two weeks of Discord treating his boyfriend like an eldritch abomination of adorableness, he abruptly stopped. The spirit was later quoted as referring to the event as 'cuteness induced hysteria'.

Spike was summarily unamused, but mostly just happy he could continue snuggling and kissing his boyfriend without killing him, apparently.

Love. It's a beautiful thing, is it not?

Author's Note

This stupid Idea is brought to you by the letter D, as in Discord is a goober.

Want to yell with lil ol' me about Dispike? Then join the crew! The Dispike Crew! https://discord.gg/XpKnvt8