Part 1: Connection Issues
It was an infuriating, maddening feeling.
It was one of those feelings that nagged you from the back of your mind, screaming to be let free from the confines of your head as you try, and eventually fail, to ignore its cries, its screeching wails burning into your cranium like dragging nails on a chalkboard. It was one of those feelings, where no matter what you do and how you try to fix it, it never goes away — consuming you from the inside, nibbling away at your patience, gnawing away at your sanity.
Many events, for a young colt such as Button Mash, could trigger this sensation. Sometimes, it was the ever-growing pile of unfinished homework hidden under his bed, kept out of sight by the lame excuse that his dog (something which he did not actually own) had eaten it. Sometimes, it was an Easter egg in a video game that he knew for certain existed, but could not for the life of him find out where it was. This though... this was much more severe.
"MOOOOOOOMMM!!!"
"Yes, honey?"
"The Wi-Fi's out again!"
Now, this was a perfectly valid complaint. Little Button Mash had been playing a round of PonyUnknown's Battlegrounds, and was just about to win a chicken dinner, too, when all of a sudden, mid-shot of his Thompson SMG, the arena had frozen around him, lagging bit by bit until finally, a text-box popped up that would ruin his entire day:
NO INTERNET CONNECTION. PLEASE RECONNECT AND RESTART THE GAME.
"MOOOOOOOMMM!!!" Button shrieked again, getting up from his bed. Perhaps if I went closer to the router, my phone would reconnect, he reassured himself hopefully.
But it had been no use. There he stood, his phone pressed against the antennae of the router, helplessly turning his Wi-Fi on and off as he attempted to salvage his game.
"MOOOOOOOMMM!!!"
Now his mother, Love Tap, was usually a very patient mare. In fact, she had been working on a very important business email when the Wi-Fi had decided to go AWOL, and all she had done out of frustration was grit her teeth as she saved her email for later. After all, nothing in life could be solved by mere shouting at one another —
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!"
"WHAT?!" Love Tap stormed up the stairs and burst into her son's room. "WHAT COULD BE SO IMPORTANT, THAT YOU'D HAVE TO INTERRUPT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WORK?!"
"Mo-om, the Wi-Fi isn't working," her son whined, furiously (and quite fittingly) mashing the power button repeatedly with one hoof, clutching his phone in the other.
If she could have a bit for every time her son complained "Mom, the Wi-Fi isn't working" or "Mom, the Wi-Fi is too slow" or "Mom, when can we get a better router?", she would have enough bits to afford a nice, relaxing, child-free holiday in Los Pegasus. Oh, and perhaps enough bits left over to buy a better router.
"You'll just have to wait a little while," replied the mare. "You know how the Wi-Fi is. You can at least survive another ten minutes without Wi-Fi, can't you?"
But Little Button Mash didn't think he could. What would the rest of his team think? That he had quit on them on the most critical point of the game? He would never hear the end of it when he got back to school the following Monday. He'd be so embarrassed, so humiliated, so...
No, he needed a way to get back online, and fast.
"Well," his mother said, gritting her teeth patiently, "Why don't you go outside and play? It's such a lovely day today. Just be sure to be back before sun—"
But her son was already gone, having dashed out of the room with nothing but his phone and a few bits.
"Huh," Love Tap frowned, watching Button disappear over the horizon through the bedroom window. "That was surprisingly easy."
"One hayburger, please. Oh, and some cola, too!"
"Alright. That'll be four bits."
Button handed over the currency and eagerly looked around the restaurant, his gaze scouring every single wall, every single poster, every single sign on every single doorway.
Nothing there.
Hmm. Perhaps they had written it on his receipt. He glanced down at the slip of paper in his hoof, his eyes skimming through the numbers until he had reached the bottom.
Still nothing.
He groaned. It must be somewhere! He'd just have to search harder.
And thus began little Button's rampage through the restaurant. Flowerpots were toppled, chairs were tipped, drinks were spilled. It was well known, or at least, well known enough, that most customers dining at Hayburger King came for a quick pick-me-up. They did not, however, predict that during the course of their meal, they would actually be picked up by a little colt in his desperate scavenger hunt for a precious string of letters and numbers, only to be plonked firmly back down on their seats, their dinner sent flying up in the air by Button Mash's extreme antics.
Finally, the colt sighed in resignation, slumping into an empty chair, slivers of lettuce and tomato all splattered on the floor around him. Where could they have put it? He scowled, picking out hay fries from his hair.
"Order number 923? Your meal is ready."
Button Mash sprung up from his seat. There was, still, one other option.
"Thanks! Er— what's the Wi-Fi password?"
The cashier frowned and shook her head. "I'm sorry, but, we don't have Wi-Fi here."
"What? But... it says here—" He whipped out his phone, almost slamming it into the poor mare's face. "Look, FreeWiFi@HayburgerKing! You can't tell me you don't have Wi-Fi!"
"Ah, but that's the staff Wi-Fi. It isn't for customer use."
What kind of establishment was this? Button was on the verge of exploding, he was so furious. "Can't you give me the password anyway? I came all the way here, just to have —"
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that. It's the staff Wi-Fi, and I'm not allowed to give out the password."
Button Mash groaned. Why did this always have to be so difficult? Then, pulling a face so stern it would put a cockatrice to shame, he declared with the deepest voice a colt could muster: "I'd like to speak to the manager, please."
The cashier shrugged. "Suit yourself." She disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Button to munch angrily into his burger, slurping his cola with great gusto as he waited impatiently.
The manager was a smiley, kind-faced stallion, with twinkling eyes and a faint aroma of vanilla ice-cream. This didn't faze Button, though — it was probably all a ruse to distract internet-deprived colts like himself.
"What seems to be the problem, young boy? Are you not satisfied with your meal?"
"No, the meal is fine. I just want to know the —"
"Did your meal not come with a free toy? I'll get one for you if you want —"
"No, I just want the —"
"How about a free refill of some cola? I'm sure you'd like that—"
"I JUST WANT THE WI-FI PASSWORD!" Button Mash bellowed.
Silence shrouded the restaurant, as startled ponies looked up from their burgers, staring in shock at the young colt. The manager was taken aback, too, and, adjusting his collared shirt, smiled awkwardly at Button Mash.
"Now, don't be angry, young boy, but our free customer Wi-Fi isn't working at the moment. Even if we gave you the password, you still wouldn't be able to connect."
"What? No — that mare from before just told me it was the staff Wi-Fi!"
"Did she, now..." The manager seemed to digest this for a moment. "Then, yes. It is the staff Wi-Fi."
What kind of logic that was, Button Mash wasn't sure. Either way, he was appalled by the lack of excellent service that he was certain all outlets of the Hayburger King franchise should boast.
"Well, I've just about had enough of this," he replied indignantly, inhaling the rest of his meal as quickly as possible. "I'm off to find a place that will give me exactly what I need."
He pouted, got up, stomped his hooves angrily and turned to leave the restaurant, but turned back a few moments later, sheepishly trotting back to the manager.
"Er — you're still giving me that free toy, right?"
Of course. Why didn't Button Mash think of this before?
Internet cafés always had Wi-Fi. And he still had quite a few bits left, enough for perhaps one or two hours of gameplay before sunset.
A spring in his step, he forgot all about the whole hayburger incident, skipping into the café, grinning widely at the prospect of all the chicken dinners he would win that afternoon. This time, he wasted no time in asking:
"What's the Wi-Fi password?"
The mare at the counter bent down to look at him through steel-rimmed spectacles. "Where are your parents?" She demanded, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, they're at home." Button explained. "It's alright, you must be new. I come here all the time — do you need to see my lifetime membership card?"
The bespectacled mare simply grunted. "You have to pay, just like everypony else. It's three bits an hour."
"Fair enough. Here's six bits. So what's the Wi-Fi password?"
"The Wi-Fi isn't working today."
"What?!?" Button Mash slammed the counter with his tiny hooves. "Then give me back my bits!"
"Sorry, we run a strict no-refund policy."
"But —"
"You may take a seat. We have plenty of interactive, offline software a young colt like you can play with." She began listing off names in the most monotonous voice possible. "FreeCell. Solitaire." She paused. "Microsoft Paint."
"But why isn't the Wi-Fi working?"
"You ask too many questions. Go. Sit. Computer No. 24."
"Fine, fine." At this rate, Button Mash had given up hope of finding a stable internet connection before sunset. He didn't want to waste his pocket money, though, so he trudged miserably to Computer No. 24, shaking the mouse vigorously to wake it up. A game or two of Solitaire couldn't hurt, could it? At least it was a computer game, and not just some silly plastic toy from Hayburger King (it had broken on its first try, and Button was deeply disappointed).
He was just about to sit down to play, when a familiar voice cut through his thoughts.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid pistol! Ugh, why can't I get better loot? I should've landed in Ponechinki."
To say the voice was familiar was an understatement. To say the voice had been permanently drilled into the head of everypony in Equestria in the form of public speeches, Summer Sun Celebrations and Hearth's Warming Eve addresses — now that sounded more like it.
Button Mash wasn't one for formalities, though.
"Princess Celestia? Why do you have Wi-Fi?"
The white alicorn looked up from her game, surprised to see such a young colt questioning her so casually. "Oh, hello, little one. Yes, the Wi-Fi isn't working at the moment. I'm currently using my mobile data."
Button groaned. Was everypony trying to lie to him today, or were they just extremely lacking in basic IT skills? And of all ponies, Princess Celestia?
"No, no, no! You are connected to Wi-Fi! The Wi-Fi symbol is right here!" Button Mash shoved his hoof into the royal iPhone, slamming into the floor, the sheer force of the impact cracking the screen as Princess Celestia let out a horrified cry. Her despair, however, had nothing to do with the state of her device.
"You silly colt! You have no idea what you've done, haven't you? Look, I've just been knocked out by another player, and a first-timer, by the looks of it..."
Button Mash didn't seem to care. He didn't want to care. Yes, he was about to be harshly disciplined by the ruler of all of Equestria, who had started screaming in his face; yes, juvenile detention wouldn't look that great on his permanent record... but did that really matter?
"Look," he interrupted. "We both know you're connected to the Wi-Fi here. Why everypony tells me otherwise, that's a different matter. I just need to know one thing. What's the Wi-Fi password?!"
Princess Celestia looked pained. "I... I didn't want to do this... Not to a child... But you leave me no choice."
And before Button Mash could formulate a response, he was enveloped by a magical golden aura, his eyes slowly drifting off to sleep as Princess Celestia hastily stuffed him into an empty garbage bag.
"Good, no witnesses," Princess Celestia muttered, slinging the bag over her back. "We can't have that, can we?"
Part 2: Of Pancakes And Kidnappings
When Button Mash came to, his mind was flooded with a sea of questions:
Where am I?
Have I been kidnapped?
Why is my kidnapper serving me pancakes?
"Oh, lovely, you're awake," Princess Celestia beamed, drizzling syrup onto her own breakfast from the other end of the table. Beside her, the other diarch of Equestria picked at her own pancakes, eyes haggard with fatigue from the long night before.
"I trust you had a pleasant rest?"
"Knock it off, Tia," her sister grunted. "You just kidnapped a foal. And why? Because you didn't want anypony stealing your precious Wi-Fi."
"You know it's much more complicated than that, Luna," Celestia shot back, casting a warning glare at her. "Besides, you're the one always watching episodes of that 'K-Drama' you found last week. Aren't you glad you can finally stream it in HD?"
"Shut up."
Button Mash wanted to ask something important, but he was too groggy to do so, and his muzzle appeared to be sealed shut with what felt like duct tape. Even if he wanted to eat the pancakes, he wouldn't be able to. He tried waving his hooves for attention, but they were tied firmly to the back of his dining chair, rendering him immobile.
"Mmm mmm MmMMM MmmmmMMm?" he tried, but to no avail.
"Why do we even have to have pancakes every morning?" Luna complained. "Surely it must be common knowledge that the princess of the night prefers waffles instead."
"Mmmm... Mmm MmMmmm... MMMmmmm?!"
"My shift, my rules," Celestia mumbled through mouthfuls of pancake. "Once you stop making the same type of pasta for dinner every night, I'll consider a change in the menu."
"MMMmmmm! MmmMMM MMmm??!!"
Button Mash rocked so far back in his seat, it tipped backwards, falling to the floor in a loud crash. With a horrified gasp from Celestia and a reluctant moan from Luna, the two royal sisters hurried to help him back up, and, potential spinal injuries aside, he was fine.
"MmmmmMMm MmmmmMm MMMMmmmMm????"
"Hang on," Luna frowned. "Tia, I think the colt is trying to tell us something."
"Goodness, you're right," Celestia replied. With one swift motion, she ripped off the duct tape, almost taking off half the skin of Button Mash's face.
"GYAHH!" Button gasped for air, wishing he could have his hooves to rub his excruciatingly painful muzzle. Never mind, that didn't matter. As adrenaline coursed through his tiny body, the fact that he had just been kidnapped by the rulers of Equestria became much more apparent. Much, much clearer, actually. He had so many questions to ask, but where to begin? Why was he here? How was he here? What... what...
"What's the Wi-Fi password?" He blurted.
Despite the sheer confusion on the royal sisters' faces, Button felt it was a perfectly sound question to ask. After all, if he had been captured by a royal princess, they were most likely in the royal palace. And if they were in the royal palace, they were most likely to have 5GHz, high-speed, royal Wi-Fi.
And it was most likely to be password-protected.
"How about..." The princess of the Sun's eyes darted around hastily, first at her sister, who simply shrugged, then at Button, who was waiting impatiently, then at her banana-and-maple-syrup pancakes, who seemed indifferent.
"How about... you take a nap?" With a blast from her horn, she incinerated Button's breakfast, the once fluffy pancakes now blackened to a crisp. "You need some rest, don't you?"
"What d'ya mean, take a nap?" Button protested. "I just woke up! After you kidnapped me!"
"She has a point. It isn't a kidnapping without a kid napping," Luna quoted, summoning a little bed with a neatly placed duvet into existence.
"But why can't you tell me the Wi-Fi password?" Button Mash whined.
For a short, fleeting moment, Button could almost notice anger flit across Celestia's face, but it was quickly replaced with something calmer — what was that... Sympathy? Benevolence? Constipation? Before he could analyse further, it morphed into a forced smile, the princess's pearly whites clenched tightly together, her quivering eyebrows unable to decide whether to frown or not.
Yep, Button confirmed to himself. Looks like constipation to me.
"Let's not talk about the Wi-Fi for now," Celestia chuckled. "Anyway, what's your name, little colt? Where do you live?"
Button raised an eyebrow. "Button Mash. I live in Ponyville, you know, where you kidnapped me."
"Details, details." Celestia dismissed the idea with a wave of her hoof. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Button Mash."
"Is it?"
"Yeah," Luna added. "Is it?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"For starters, we don't usually tie up our honourable guests to dining chairs," Luna countered, pointing at Button.
"Oh." With a few sparks from her horn, Button was freed from the cords around his hooves. Now if only he could find his phone...
"Sorry, sorry, I'm new to all this kidnapping business," Celestia apologised, as Button Mash rummaged under his propeller hat for his phone. "Would you like something to drink? We have apple juice, orange juice, pear juice, grape — wait, what are you doing?"
Button glanced back up at the alicorn, mid-dial. "Calling my parents to let them know where I am. Duh."
"Ah. Okay. Wait, no—" Princess Celestia grabbed the phone, opened the nearest window and hurled it as far away as possible with all of her alicorn might, the device soaring off into the distance with the speed of a Wonderbolt. "I can't let you do that!"
Button Mash winced. "Curses."
"Now you're going to be a good little colt and take a nap," Celestia smiled. "And when you wake up, there'll be no talk about this silly Wi-Fi business. Okay?"
She skipped out into the palace corridors, humming a little tune, leaving Button and Luna behind, the latter shaking her head in disbelief.
"Why don't I get to know the Wi-Fi password?" Button complained.
Luna sighed. "Perhaps... perhaps if you obey my sister for the time being, she will eventually explain it to you. It is a very complicated matter, and even I do not fully understand what goes on in Celestia's mind." She patted the bed, fluffing the pillows with her cobalt blue aura. "You should get some rest."
"But I just woke up..."
"Trust me, you do not want to experience the side effects of Celestia's sleep spell." A small smile emerged from Luna's lips as an idea came to mind. "You like PUBG, do you not?"
Button Mash grinned from ear to ear, while, unbeknownst to the two of them, somewhere in Saddle Arabia, a deafening cry erupted from the village rooftops, one of the houses having a newly-installed phone-shaped hole in the ceiling.
Celestia scrolled through her Equinstagram feed, double tapping and giggling to herself as she did so. Now this was the life. Reclining comfortably in her favourite cosy sofa, a mug of freshly-brewed coffee by her side, stalking her beloved subjects... What could be better?
"Aww, look at that adorable photo of Flurry Heart and Cadance," Celestia cooed. "She's growing up so fast."
She left her like, then typed out her comment on the side:
celestia.banana1000 So cuteeeeee!!!1!1!! #goals #cute #littleprincess
She continued scrolling, until another photo made her stop.
"Is that... is that...?" Coffee erupted from her muzzle as she guffawed in laughter, spraying her drink all over her phone. "It is! It's Twilight in a quesadilla costume!"
pinkie_poo_partayyy @princesstwily LOL you silly filly! 🤣
sonic.rainboom #yikes
princesstwily Please, I swear it's photoshopped! Discord, take it down! 😡😡😡
glim_glam @princesstwily Oof
fan.of.puppeteers.discooooord @princesstwily hmm no thanks 🙃
"Tia?"
"Huh? Oh, goodness, Luna, you almost me scared me for a second there."
"Tia, we need to talk."
"Talk?" Celestia set her mug down, her attention now fixed on her sister. "Why, what's wrong?"
"You can't just take away everypony's Wi-Fi!"
"Oh, that again," Celestia grumbled, reverting her gaze to her phone.
"Tia, this is serious!" Luna protested. "You just kidnapped an innocent colt! This is getting out of hand! Please, if we use my methods to solve the problem—"
"Luna, we've been over this. And my methods are the only way!"
"You don't know that."
Celestia sighed in exasperation. Sometimes, her sister could be so stubborn. She thought banishment to the moon would have taught her that lesson, but nothing seemed to have changed with her.
"Fine, be that way," Luna huffed. "But when Equestria loses this war, don't come crying to me."
She stormed off, leaving Celestia to slowly process her sister's thoughts.
Hah! — Just kidding. What was there to process? 1000 years of experience had brought her to this conclusion. Without Wi-Fi, it was a sure victory for Equestria. Luna may not have realised it yet, but this was definitely the only option.
Besides, it meant she could read even more hilarious posts!
She grinned to herself at the prospect, exiting Equinstagram and opening up iFilly. She couldn't wait to turn Quesadilla Twily into a meme.
"Featherweight, I'm heading to Ponechinki, you comin'?"
"Ponechinki? But that's out of the safe zone! You'll get yourself killed!"
"Not if I return fast enough," Button Mash responded to the voice in his ear, hopping onto a nearby motorcycle.
"You're crazy." There was a pause. "Good luck!"
And with that, Button Mash zoomed off, past ransacked houses and worn-down buildings, taking care not to crash into any trees.
Only 5 left alive. He was so close.
He clutched his trusty assault rifle in his hooves, feeling a chill shoot up his spine as he crossed the boundaries of the safe zone. His strategy, though unorthodox, usually worked: He would leave the safe zone, wait for everypony else to kill off each other, then return to the safe zone to finish off the last remaining opponent.
Okay, maybe it didn't always work. But this was Button Mash's dream, so he could play however he liked.
3 left alive. A duo didn't make it out of the blue zone in time.
BANG! Curses, somepony was behind him. BANG! The gunshots quickly changed to rapid fire, one of the bullets taking out his back tyre.
"Button, blue zone incoming," Featherweight warned, as Button swerved in and out, attempting to dodge the ammunition. "You'd better hurry up!"
"Don't worry," Button grinned. "I've got a plan."
In PonyUnknown's BattleGrounds, plans and tactics were usually silent, discreet, usually thought of in advance. It was not only a game of skill, after all, it was also a game of strategy.
Button's plan, however, involved racing around on his motorcycle like a maniac.
"Come and get me, d3rp_muffins!" He taunted, waving his gun in the air in such a deranged fashion, he could have been mistaken for an inflatable tube man. The grey mare weaved in and out of his view, galloping back and forth as she attempted to find the best position to deliver the fatal shot. But of course, Button Mash wasn't about to let that happen. He was ready. He was prepared. He was going to get that Winner Winner Chicken —
"Dinner's ready!"
His eyes snapped awake. Oh come on! He was this close to winning!
Granted, it was one of the best dreams he had ever had. Everything was so realistic, so life-like — if Princess Luna wasn't the reigning diarch of Equestria, she would have a promising career in virtual reality.
Propping himself up on his hooves, he stretched any remaining weariness out of his body, yawning as he swung his legs over the bed, the chilly air-conditioning cooling his body as he stepped out of the warmth of his cosy duvet. As the mouth-watering aroma of freshly-cooked tomato and basil sauce pasta drifted past his muzzle, Button Mash realised he hadn't eaten in a full 24-hours — not since that lunch at that horrible, incompetent Hayburger King.
Stomach growling, mouth salivating and tiny hooves pounding against the floor as fast as they possibly could, he made his way to the royal kitchen, where he prepared himself to enjoy the most wondrous of—
Schlomp. The hot, sticky mess of overcooked gluten collapsed weakly onto the plate, as if already accepting its fate that it had lost its chance to ever taste any good. The sauce was so watery it was more of a soup than a sauce, and that was already pushing it, as dotted about the dish lay small clumps of diced tomato — not even diced, Button noted, mushed — pulverised to a pulp by what could only be the hooves of the alicorn of the night. Button was sure of this, as he had noticed a strand or two of glowing navy hair within the alleged 'meal'.
"Enjoy your meal!" Luna beamed, placing the plate of pasta in Button's hooves, who wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I've spent a long time cooking it, so you know it's good!"
Before Button Mash could inform her that that standard didn't necessarily follow for pasta, Celestia came trotting into the kitchen, her eyes still glued to her device.
"You aren't going to believe how many ponies liked my Quesadilla Twily meme," she began, grinning at the growing numbers on her phone. "Such a stroke of artistic genius, coming up with that punchline."
Her eyes fell on the pasta, immediately groaning. "Oh, Luna. Not that pasta again."
Button Mash tugged on the princess' foreleg. "Princess Celestia? May I have the Wi-Fi password now? It's important."
Celestia frowned. "What could be that important?"
Button Mash glanced back at the pasta worriedly. "I think we may have to order dinner online."
