Anon Pimps Equestria

by Dellinger

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Violence, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Spike, Comedy
Length: 2269

Equestria has a thot epidemic, the stallions can’t cope, but one day a hero appears to put the hoes of Equestria in their place.

The hoes have taken over. They run the schools, the businesses, the government. When all hope seems lost for the males of Equestria, a hero appears to put the thots back in their place with his all powerful pimp hand.

No bitch’s face is safe from his unmatched power.

Cover art by this fuckhead.

Published 2019-02-09 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-11 12:18:03 UTC

The strongest pimp in the realm

No one knows when exactly it happened, or even how, it happened so fast that none of the stallions could see it coming. One day your marefiend, your neighbor or that cute mare at the cafe that you want to stick your dick into would all be friendly and happy, then the next day they’d be taking your money, your house, your kids and every ounce of masculinity you had left.

All of Equestria’s mares had become thots.

One by one all the seemingly innocent mares became slutty, gold digging hoes, and one by one each stallion fell prey to these merciless beasts.

We come to find one of the few surviving males boarding up the window to an abandoned home on the edge of Ponyville. Spike the Dragon banged the last nail into a plank of wood, reinforcing the last window on the ground floor of his protective shelter. It wouldn’t be enough, he knew it wouldn’t be enough to stop a hoe from breaking in if they found him. He only survived this long due to most mares thinking he was gay for the new king of the Changelings. There were those that knew different, his former friends knew he was as straight as flagpole, and they were looking for him.

Having done all he could to protect himself, Spike wipped the sweat from his brow and trudged towards the soft, worn out couch in the middle of the room to rest.

He sighed to himself as he held up a photo of him and his friends, before the outbreak had started. A single tear slid down his cheek as he wondered if he would ever get his friends back, if he would ever stop needing to hide from the ones he’s loved.

The unfortunate dragons thoughts were interrupted by a loud knocking on the reinforced front door.

“Oh Spikey-wikey~” A familiar voice sang out, causing the poor drake’s balls to recede in horror. “I know you’re in there darling, I just want to talk.”

What could he do? He had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It was all over for him. Just when he thought the door would be blasted to pieces by a blast of magic from the thotty fashionista on the other side, a series of loud, powerful footsteps could be heard.

“Oh my, who might you be handsome? You look like you could give a mare a good ti-“

SMACK

The sound of a loud, powerful slap shook the building and the young drake to his core. After a few moments of silence, the front door exploded into a rainfall of splinters and a tall, muscular figure entered the building, looking down at the dragon.

“You need not worry little wimp.” The bipedal beast spoke in a smooth, deep, masculine voice that made Spike feel like his dick gained 2 inches just from hearing it. “I’ve come to set things right.”

“W-Who are you?” Spike gasped out in awe.

The figure lifted his right hand, which glowed with an awesome power. “I am Anonymous, Master of the Pimp Hand. I sensed that a great number of hoes had been stepping out of line, but things are worse than I could have possibly imagined.”

“Yeah, things have been... really bad here lately.” Spike sighed as he gained his bearings. “All my friends care about now is money and dick.”

Anon nodded in understanding and placed a mighty hand on the young dragon’s shoulder. “Hoe-ism is a deadly disease, it spreads quickly and doesn’t discriminate. I’m sorry I did not sense it sooner.”

The two were interrupted as a disoriented Rarity stumbled into the room with a bright red mark on her right cheek. “Oh my... what happened? Where... am I?”

“Rarity!” Spike exclaimed as he tackled the walking marshmallow.

“Spikey? What’s going on?” Rarity asked, completely confused. “And why does my cheek hurt so much?”

“There is no time for questions.” Anon stated, brushing past the two and walking out of the house. “There is work to be done.” He finished as he rubbed the back of his right hand while looking out to Ponyville.

The hoes of Ponyville watched in horror as Anonymous marched into town, pimp slapping any who got in his way. Once the human reached the centre of town, accompanied by Spike and a very confused Rarity, he cracked his knuckles and turned to the gathering crowd of whores, sluts and their destitute victims.

“Who the heck is this hunk of stallion?” A random thot in the crowd asked as many others whistled in approval of the walking embodiment of testosterone.

“I am Anonymous, Master of the Pimp Hand! I come from a village in a distant land! My home was ravaged by the hoe-ism disease, it took my mother and sister, who then took my father for everything he had! Before he died from starvation because the hoes had taken all his hard earned money, he turned to me and said ‘Trust in the power of the pimp slap.’ I struck my sister with the back of my hand and felt a great power was over me! I liberated my village with my natural power of pimping! Once word of my power reached Mount Opimpus, the God of Pimps Pimpules trained me so that my pimping could become godly! Now I travel the realms purging hoe-ism wherever it may spread!” The man announced as he raised his hand over his chest and it glowed with an intense power. “Now I will save you all.”

A hoe in the crowd smiled and walked forward. “I don’t know what any of that means but I’d sure as Tartarus want to have a go at-“

“First rule of pimping, never hesitate.”

SMACK

With a strike as fast as lighting, Anon pimp slapped the hoe-ism straight out of the mare.

Every thot stepped back in fear as Anon turned to them with a raised hand. “Second rule, let no bitches escape.”

What followed was a full blown pimpageddon, Anon was quick and merciless in his pursuit to pimp slap every hoe into submission. One by one each town and city was purged of the deadly disease, and stallions could finally keep their money and dignity. Anon eventually found himself before the top bitches of Equestria, the 4 princesses, the last of the infected.

“Look at this strange creature, he thinks he can tame us.” Princess Luna snickered thottily.

“It is impressive how far you have come, but you won’t be leaving here with any money or swimmers.” Princess Cadence growled hungrily as she licked her lips.

Princess Twilight merely grinned as their leader and top slut, Princess Celestia, stepped forward with her horn charging a great deal of hoe magic. “You should never have come here demon, now you shall face the wrath of 4 top sluts!”

Anon took a fighting stance and channeled all of his pimping power into the back of his hands. “All of my pimping days have been leading to this battle. I shall make my father, and my teacher Pimpules proud.”

As all four Princesses charged their horns and unleashed a wave of hoe magic, Anon charged forward with his pimp hands primed, ready to purge the great evil from the land.

Author's Note

I have no clue what I was thinking when writing this

Speacil thanks to PyraBlue for doing my dumbass request for the cover art

Here comes a new challenger

Author's Note

I don’t know, I got bored

Here comes a new challenger

Anon sighed in relief as each of the princess lay unconscious, bald patches on their cheeks from where the sheer force of multiple fully charged pimp slaps had burned their fur to a crisp.

“The deed is done.” He spoke to himself. “The hoe-ism has been purged from this land, and now I shall rest, until I am needed once more.” Turning to leave, the human halted as he felt a great power appear from seemingly nowhere. “This power... where have I felt this before?”

The sound of slow clapping echoed through the throne room of the castle. Anon turned to find a tall, skinny figure with messy hair and a green shirt clapping his boney hands together with a small smile on his face.

“Like, nicely done dude. Not just anyone could purge the thottiness from literal gods man.” The figure spoke in a lazy, cracking voice.

“Your power, it is familiar to me. Who are you? Are you friend or foe?” Anon asked cautiously, his years of battling hoe-ism preventing him from judging this fragile looking man by his appearance, as thots come in all shapes, sizes and ages.

“I’m just a bored guy lookin’ for a worthy opponent man.” Without warning, the man fired a beam of white energy from his palm.

Anon pimp slapped the beam away effortlessly, redirecting it into the throne room wall, leaving it and much of the mountain behind it reduced to dust.

“Woah dude, that beam was like 2% of my power, you may actually be worth missing that Scooby Snack sale.” The man grinned and charged forward at blinding speed and threw a punch. Anon crossed his arms in front of him to shield himself, the strangers fist colliding with his muscular forearms as the two struggled against each other, neither moving an inch. “Like, impressive dude, you’ve survived two of my attacks. What’s your name man?”

Anon jumped back and pimp slapped the strangers hand away, the force redirected into the other wall of the throne room, causing the roof of the building to come down onto both the fighters. The stranger grinned and blasted the falling roof into oblivion, the sky above splitting in two.

“I am Anonymous, Master of the Pimp Hand, and you are?” Anon stated as he and the stranger began walking towards each other.

“I’m Shaggy man, the most powerful being in the multiverse.” The two stopped mere inches from each other, neither breaking eye contact.

“Well Shaggy, If it is a fight you’re looking for...” Before Anon finished, he pimp slapped Shaggy with the speed of light, launching the skinny being to a nearby mountain, the top half of the mountain exploding in the process. “...you’ve picked the wrong opponent.”

Within an instant, Shaggy reappeared in front of Anon, rubbing his cheek with an eager grin. “Like, I actually felt that man.” Without giving Anon time to react, Shaggy teleported behind him. “Like, nothin’ personal bud.” Anon was struck in the back with a powerful punch, rocketing him upwards.

Anon shook off the pain and grabbed onto a cloud before he could be sent through the atmosphere. As he stopped himself, Shaggy appeared before him and knocked him off balance with a powerful uppercut straight to the jaw. Anon staggered back and glared at the unholy being, focusing his power into the back of his right hand and charging forward. Shaggy raised a hand to defend his right side from the oncoming strike, but didn’t notice Anon immediately move the power from his right hand to his left, allowing him to strike Shaggy’s unprotected side.

Shaggy recoiled from the shock of the pimp slap. “You’re like, pissing me off dude, you’re making me use 20% of my power.”

“Then start taking this seriously, or we’ll just keep launching each other into mountains for eternity.” Anon stated in annoyance, growing tired of his opponents overconfidence. “Come at me with everything you have, or don’t come at all.”

Shaggy became enveloped in a clear aura as his hair became a whiter shade of its usual brown. “Your in for it now dude, you’ll face the wrath of my Mastered Ultra Instinct!” He announced as he flew into the atmosphere and stretched out his palm to Anon, and the planet below. A ball of destructive purple energy appeared in his palm and began to grow to the size of the moon. ”Hakai...” The ball of destructive energy blasted towards the human.

As Anon looked up at the approaching beam of destruction, he closed his eyes and breathed slowly. Raising his right pimping hand, he channeled all of his being and power into the back of his hand. “Come to me, Holy Pimp Rings.”

Time slowed as Anon became enveloped in a wave of golden light, attracting the attention of every pair of eyes in Equestria below. As the light dimmed, Anon stood with a golden aura, 5 perfect golden rings having appeared on his right fingers and thumb, embedded with green gems, the rings on his fingers spelling PIMP with their gemstones. With the power of the Holy Pimp Rings and every ounce of his pimping soul, Anon readied his pimping hand.

Just as the beam of destruction was about to hit, Anon threw his hand forward, the back of his hand connecting with the energy, pimp slapping it back towards Shaggy. The beam perfectly being reflected back at him, with the full power of the Pimp Gods added on contact, was too much for Shaggy to take.

“Zoinks! Like no dude! This isn’t supposed to happen man! I’m supposed... to be... LIKE, THE STRONGEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTtttttt....”

When the beam dissipated, there was no trace of Shaggy.

With the battle won, Anon collapsed as the Holy Pimp Rings disappeared from his hand. Completely spent from the epic battle, Anon’s eyes became heavy and he fell into a deep slumber to regain his strength.

Anon had defeated the greatest thotty threat in any universe. He could finally live a life of peace.