Is My Life Really Worth Anything

by TheBrokenBrony

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Sex, Suicide / Self Harm, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Sad, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Spike
Length: 3425

I thought that if it's hard to feel happy, then death would be a better option....If only i can understand how much my own life is not worth throwing away.

"I'm done, and I'm so sick of feeling this way. Let's see how far i can make it into the blizzard." With no one around, and mostly myself to talk to, i began to remove all of my thick layers of clothing i had on. No longer wearing a winter coat, scarf, sweater, and gloves which all lay discarded in the snow in the middle of the night during one hell of a storm i begin to aimlessly walk forward. With having passed the point of any hope to return, let alone to have any idea where the hell i was in the middle of a forest, feeling satisfied of the pain I'm inflicting on myself i go as far as i can until i finally pass out from the cold. As everything seemed to finally fade out, a voice as clear as day echoes through my mind, "thou don't deserve this, thy life deserves more. We shall not allow thee to suffer any further."

Self-insert fiction
My first real literature I've ever done
only Spike is rule 63-ed, is of legal adult consenting age, and will go as 'Barb' in my story

Warning --> the reading POV will change throughout reading only in the beginning

Published 2019-02-14 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-16 08:39:12 UTC

If I'll die, I'm going down being stubborn about it

Author's Note

despite being completely nervous about this, I've decided to just go ahead and publish the first chapter. *sigh* sorry for bad writing skills on my part but, i just couldn't sleep knowing I'm taking way to long to get anything done for this site. So here i am in a hospital bed getting this out to the rest of you. At first the chapter would've included details of what i did before i ended up in equestria but i just had way to many negative comments about it so i scrapped it and made it into the story's summary. Maybe my own expectations are way too high, maybe not. All i know is, my editor said they couldn't keep their interest in the story with what i originally had.

This chapter will be very very short, due to the fact i want to at least get something published so i can finally fall asleep without feeling guilty for taking so long despite being an inexperienced writer. The anxiety is just totally getting to me right now, and i can't take it. This will also not be looked at by my editor before it is published.

With all that said here you go. My promise to all of you that i am in fact trying my hardest to do this, despite everything that has been happening to me.

If I'll die, I'm going down being stubborn about it

As I force myself to lift my body onto one knee after regaining my consciousness, I try and force myself to ignore the throbbing pain within my head by aggressively shaking it left and right. Sadly, that proved to be a very bad idea as the headache seemed to have gotten worse. Gripping my head with one hand, I finally managed to get my eyes to open and what I saw made time feel like it just stopped for a moment. "Where did I.....how did i get here!?!" I mentally shouted as about thirty two hundred meters out was what looked to be some kinda of bright sunny kingdom right in the middle of this frozen wasteland. Once I was able to stand albeit a bit wobbly, I start to drag my legs through the snow toward said kingdom in the distance.

[roughly about an hour or so later at the edge of the Crystal Empire]

A lone guard was quietly minding his own business, silently hoping his shift would end soon. It's not that he himself found the job to be bad, but with a majority of the Crystal Empire's threats either taken care of or dealt with there wasn't much to actually be on the lookout for passed its own borders.

"Hey Meta! The captain sent me around to check up on things. how does it look out there? Anything suspicious?"

After the initial shock of suddenly getting pulled back into reality from his mind wondering about, he pulled out his binoculars and began to slowly look out into the distance. "Well as far as i can tell there really is-", but his current statement was instantly halted when he found a silhouette of a living being out in the distance of the snow.

"Hello? Equestria to Meta Blade? What's happening out there?"

"Wait, th-there's somepony out there! Go get a medical unit out here, they just collapsed out there. I'm going to get em."

"Oh my celestia! Why would anyone just be walking about out there? Be careful Meta, don't let your guard down out there."

"Don't worry, I'm not going alone." Meta Blade replied as he climbed down his small watch tower and ran off to a pair of his fellow Crystal pony guards stationed about eighty feet away. "Guys I need some back up. Somepony just collapsed out there in the snow. I'm going to make sure they are ok."

"What in equestria!?! L-Lead the way!" Within a matter of seconds, the small search party began to make a mad dash out into the snow.

[back to my own pov]

"S-s-stupid b-body limit-t-tations." I knew my body was definitely weakened, cold temperature aside, but my irritation only seemed to rise once i fell over onto the snow. "Oh wh-who am I k-k-kidding? I'm g-good as d-dead anyw-ways." Following that final statement I began to close my eyes as i begin to allow the cold to overcome my body. Then after what felt like minutes, I once again lose my consciousness curled up in the snow expecting to freeze to death. The only sounds I was able to hear before completely blacking out was the sound of a small group people approaching me trying to yell something that was unable to be hear by my fleeting senses.

[Crystal Palace Balcony Platform]

"It can't be all that bad could it Princess Cadence?" Barb asked as she slightly bent forward to lean her forearms onto the balcony railing overlooking the Crystal Empire

"Oh you don't even know the half of it Barb, I know i'm a princess and all, but it just seems so repetitive to hold meeting within the palace throne room just to go over the same exact results of how the city is handling its renovations to catch up with what most of Equestrian society has created." Cadance explained as she decides to sit on the railing close by to where Barb chose to stay. "I dunno how my aunt Celestia handles it, but I'mm just so annoyed with boredom having to hear constant reports on how everything like the local spa is doing great with how the crystal ponies managed to integrate it within the empire. Its been a month already ever since it was finished being constructed. I don't need to have a constant update of everything there is running fine."

"Yikes, they still bring that up after so long? Man that's almost as bad as having to listen to Rainbow and Applejack argue about some kind of competition they are having on a daily. At least their arguments have varying subjects."

"That reminds me, how is Twilight holding up lately? Last I've heard anything about here was when Equestria lost all its magic two weeks ago."

"Things are actually going ok. Other than running the school of friendship, she and the girls are doing pretty good. In fact, she should be here sometime tomorrow after she finishes grading the last of the current years finals since the school will be closed for summer break."

"So that's what she meant when she said she would be too busy to arrive here with you at noon."

"Yea, it'll be great once she gets here tomorrow so we all can spend some family time together." Barb ended just before the sound of the palace staff could be heard approaching frantically.

"My most sincerest apology for interrupting your majesty," The female lime colored crystal pony bows upon arriving in front of Barb and Princess Cadence "and to you as well Lady Barb. A messenger from the guard barracks gave me this note stating it was to get to you urgently." Upon having received the letter from her the crystal pony took her leave to allow the princess to read the letter in private. Upon opening the letter, Cadance and Barb learned that a small portion of the guards stationed along the border of the empire found something that seemed to barely be alive out in the snow in the distance. currently as of right now, no one knows who or let alone what it may be and that their presence along with Shinning Armor's is required immediately at the barracks' medical building.

"What do you think this could be?" Barb asked, her tone filled with concern. "Do you think the empire might be in danger again?"

"I'm not sure, but what ever it may be, it would be best if we head over to see for ourselves. Once i get a message over to sunburst to help keep an eye on Flurry, we can head on over with Shinning Armor to see whats going on."

"Right behind you Princess." Barb stated allowing Cadence to lead them back into the palace.

Only Some Can Understand

"Don't you worry princess, I'll keep and eye on Flurry Heart while you guys figure out whats going on." Sunburst happily stated.

"Thank you so much for coming on such short notice. I just hope this isn't something life threateningly serious." Cadence said while giving Sunburst a hug.

"Oh I'm sure its nothing you guys can't handle. You'll have Barb and Shining Armor with you as well after all."

"Looks like we are all set, lets get going over to the barracks medical building and see what's going on." Barb suggested. With the guard barracks stationed close by to the palace, it wouldn't take them long before they finally arrived and found that security was very tight and on edge. "What's gotten into everypony?" As it seems, everywhere they looked the medical staff and most of the guards seemed to be very shaken up. The receptionist having over heard Barb's question pointed a very shaky finger towards the emergency room which for some odd reason was not only left open but had a wall of armed guards standing in the opening facing towards the inside of the room. With Cadence taking the lead, the trio approached the emergency room and upon arriving closer, noticed one of the doctors with his medical coat roughed up a bit.

"Oh my goodness, are you alright?" Cadence asked with concern now evident in her voice.

"I am ok Princess, a little roughed up but no injuries at all."

"What happened to you?" Shining Armor asked.

"Well after the border guards brought in something from out in the snow that was barely alive and freezing we started to treat it." The doctor began as he gave an irritated sigh, "But once we got its temperature slightly stable it got very violent."

[My own point of view after gaining consciousness]

As I tried to open my eyes my vision was instantly blurred by bright lights. Without much thought or care, I threw the covers off of my body as I rolled off the side of the bed I was placed in. "Damn light, way too bright to deal with right now." Using the bed to help myself stand up, I began to realize that although I am not freezing my body still feels very cold. Attempting to just walk it off however suddenly became irrelevant to my mind for just after a few short moments of observing the room and coming to the conclusion that I'm in some hospital, I spot an anthropomorphic cartoon looking pony in a doctors medical coat. "What the hell?"

"I insist you get back into the bed, you haven't fully recovered yet." The pony said to me.

"To hell with it." I declared with hostile intent. Naturally, I tended to get very hostile when under a lot of mental stress of any kind. The fact that there is some kind of talking anthro pony in front of me, really didn't help my mind to remain calm in the slightest. Wanting to find a way out as soon as I could, I start walking toward the doors only to be stopped by the pony who spoke to me.

"Please you haven't fully recovered." The pony said as he attempted to grab me to stop me from reaching the door. Unfortunately, despite his intention of worrying about my health I reacted aggressively by grabbing and yanking his arms off me as I then forced his right arm behind his back and pushed him off to the side. "Guards! Stop him!" He shouted, stopping me dead in my tracks as a realization hit me. I just made my situation a very bad one to be in. Within barely one second the doors burst open and there I see a group of armed ponies blocking my way out. One guard steps into the room allowing the pony I shoved to the ground an opening out before the rest of them formed a wall in front of the door way. Out of all the others this one didn't seem to be armed at all, but i could clearly see he has some experience in hand to hand combat. If the look of his defensive stance was anything to go by, then my odds didn't look good.

"Just calm down, I don't want to hurt you." he said as he started to approach me. On instinct, I throw a high head kick out of fear from him approaching me, not fully realizing what he had just said. After blocking my kick, he took that as a sign of aggression and immediately lunged toward me in an attempt to grab me. With my balance still being on one leg since I couldn’t recover from the kick in time, he easily grabbed me and with very little effort flipped me over his shoulder thus resulting in my back slamming into the floor hard. With a groan, my vision became blurred due to the impact of hitting the ground. In addition to the pain in my back, I began to feel light headed and stayed on the ground as I try to somehow force the pain away with no success. “Stay down, don’t make me do this.” The guard said as he stood over me with one arm gripping my shirt, the other pulled back ready to throw a punch if I did anything else hostile.

“I’ll cooperate!” I yelled as I pulled my arms up to cover my face in case he decided to continue beating me. Due to barely getting my vision back, there wasn’t really much more I could do.

“What in Equestria?” Cadence shouted as she entered the room surrounded by shining armor and the guards. Carefully while still being held, I take a look over at who may have arrived and what I saw other then the guards was what looked to be a white non-crystal looking pony in armor, a pink non-crystal looking pony in regal attire, and from what I could guess they were accompanied by a dragon.

“What in Tartarus are you?” Barb asked

“I’m someone that just realized they made a very big problem for themselves.” I stated looking toward the female dragon. “Look I’ve calmed down bit, can someone please get this guard horse thing off of me so we can talk?”

“I’m a pony.” The guard nonchalantly replies

“How do we know we can trust you right now?” Shining asked in a hostile manner. “You just assaulted a medical staff and a guard on top of that.”

“Look you all clearly have the upper hand, as evident of this guard completely kicking my ass at the moment.” I then open my hands and bring them up over my head. “I don’t mean any real harm, I’m just so confused and startled by all this.”

“Stand down.” Cadence ordered. “I can tell by the look in his eyes that he is telling the truth. His eyes only carry the look of shock and fear.” Doing as he was commanded the guard holding me up by my shirt let go and backed off of me. Offering his hand to me to help me up, I reluctantly took it and allowed him to help pull me up. “Let’s head back to the palace. It seems we have a lot to talk about.” Cadence said taking the lead.

“Ok I’ll follow you.” I said following her while being watched by the guards and the other non-crystal looking guard. Throughout the entire duration of the walk my arms remained above my head with my hands held open, not wanting to further screw myself over. The situation itself isn’t off to a good start as it is.

2 voices in my head.....

"Just breath. Nothing has happened." I began to internally say to myself as my own heart rate was increasing to the point of hyperventilating. "Remain calm. Easy peasy." despite the short distance we have walked I wasn't fooling anyone at this point. hell my breathing was already panicked, and now my vision starts to blur every few seconds.

"Um....are you ok?" Barb asked realizing how stressed and panicked I seemed at that exact moment.

"I'm fine." I replied rather blankly as I finally got to the point of the darker part of my mind beginning to take over. "You shouldn't be concerned with me anymore. You would be wasting your time." as my tone grew nonchalant by the end of my statement, I lower my arms to my sides and continue the rest of the journey to the castle as if all signs of life disappear from my body's reactions.

"Hey honey is it me or does something seem very very wrong with that look in his eyes.” Cadence whispered over to Shinning Armor noticing the almost immediate shift in my emotion.

Giving of a subtle shudder, “it’s almost like I’m looking into nothing. Before it seemed like he was alive but now, I’m sure they are still alive but he looks so, dead.” Shining armor whispered in reply. Once arriving at the castle my own posture, and any motion I made was that in resemblance of someone practically being led to their own execution and have accepted such a grim fate. However this greatly unnerved everyone in attendance since it really wasn’t in any of their intention to do something so grim or harsh, having come to the assumption that I was just acting out of self defense of the unknown.

"Since we have established that you are indeed intending no harm or hostility you will not be confined to the dungeons. However, considering how we don't entirely know you I shall have guards every now and then keep an eye on you." Cadence declares having led everyone into the throne room. "since the only other room that isn't occupied is next door to Barb's room here in the castle i shall let Barb keep an eye on you for the remainder of the day."

"I don't intend to do anything at all regardless, it may be better to have guards outside the room so she won't end up bored or burdened." I replied, "Once she shows me where ill be staying I'll just be wherever that location may be."

what followed afterwards was an awkward silence throughout the castle lobby area as everyone there gave a confused look toward me.

"U-uh ok, the room is over this way." Barb reluctantly called out as she led me to the room. Once arriving within said guest room she gave one last glance back towards me as I walk over and stare into the mirror on the wall of the room in utter silence. for some reason this doesn't feel right just leaving him in here. I have no idea why but why do I have a feeling he might be safer in a cell? with that though in her mind, Barb finally closes the door leaving me alone in the room.

"Now how can I see you again." I spoke out loud wandering the room. making my way over to the bed i began to remove the blanket from it and stuff it in front of the bottom opening of the door. Next I make my way over to the window and completely shut them effectively darkening the entire room. "There we are, hello again darkness, its time for me have another chat." Stumbling my way back in front of the mirror I stare into it looking at myself, "Why bother, the endless abyss is all I'm familiar with. Fuck everything else, endless pain is all life is. Everyone else around me doesn't understand this and yet I'm tired of trying to explain it to others why living is only pain."

After a moment a voice spoke to me in my head,"What is the point of talking when actions speak out so much better. Hahahaha No one is too stupid to figure that out." I then begin to focus on the mirror itself my own reflection fading away from my own perception. ”Don't say anything at all.....”

"Shut up....."

"and show them that-"

"-pain is all that life will ever be." Removing my shirt and tossing it to the side, I throw all my weight into the mirror, finally silencing the voices inside of my head.