The Inn At The End Of Equestria

by Nobodyslament

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Sex, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity
Length: 27468

If you travel across Equestria end to end, you can find almost anything. Magical artifacts of unknown power, demons, angels, and gods all wander the world with complete freedom. However, the one place all stand as equals is a lone inn.

There exists in any given location either an inn or bar where the locals meet at the end of a long work day and trade drinks and stories. By the ancient laws of happenstance, the same must be true for areas where the permanent population is exactly one. Now, most would assume it would default to those creatures preferred drinking area in their own house. These people have never been to the only truly lonely place in Equestria. On the border of the unending sea and the badlands there sits an Inn, with a strange bartender. If one comes seeking riches or fame, he will gladly kick you out, stating the only riches here are booze and misery. But if you come for a strong drink and an ear to listen to your problems, then you have found your home.

Rocking the featured box again. Can I get a hoorah? 2/12/19 for those curious.

Published 2019-02-12 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-05 12:59:04 UTC

Intro: Why You Never Let Strange Humans Into Ruins

In the darkness of a cave there sat a lone chalice resting upon a shrine of stone and bone. Signs in every language the creatures of Equestria called their own were scattered about filled with warnings of doom and curses. They had kept the chalice safe and undisturbed for the better part of a century. The curse of King Solaris long sitting undisturbed and unused. At least, according to the signs.

They also did absolutely nothing as a flash of light lit the cave, a massive burst of wind wiping each sign clean and knocking the bones from their pedestal. From the light, a figure fell. A loud crash echoed through the cave as darkness descended back into its native land, making the cave impossible to see in. A voice called out from where the light was just a moment ago. "JESUS FUCK I'M UP! WHO WAKES SOMEONE UP LIKE THIS?!"

Grumbles flew through the cave as shuffling was heard until a beam of light cut through the darkness. It was the first creature to go into the cave since the signs were posted, and it had not a single thought about this. "Damnit, what type of bender did I go on last night? I'd kill for a glass of water."

The beam paused at the chalice, with the bones knocked off it seemed to sit on a natural table. "Well, that's convenient." He walked up, heavy boots echoing off the cave walls as he walked to the chalice. Placing his light on the floor he grabbed the drink, peering inside suspiciously. "My brain says I should not drink this under any circumstances whatsoever." There was a pause before he shrugged. "But this headache makes it so I don't care if I live or die. So bottoms up."

He threw the chalice back, chugging the clear liquid with reckless abandon. With a sigh, he lifted the chalice. It was a beautiful thing, molded from a single chunk of gold with four gems set an equal distance apart. He ran a finger over it's intricate engraving, painstakingly carve by the hoof of the greatest master is all of Equestria. He rolled his eyes before bouncing it up and down in his hands. "Well, that's a rather tacky cup, ain't it?" He smiled and grabbed his light, making his way out of the cave. "Well, assuming I don't die this will be the most profitable drinking trip I've ever been on."

With a tune in his heart, he began to merrily make his way to the distant light of freedom. The mouth of the cave was a fair hike away, and it took him several minutes to make his way there, with the rocky terrain slowing him down. "Damnit, I'm a bartender, not some damnable spelunker. I never even went camping." He clambered over a small wall of rocks and took in the sight of the nearby area. An ocean to his left, a desert to his right. He stared in utter confusion. "What the hell? This isn't anywhere near Chicago!"

He continued his staring until a building caught his sight nearby. A large two-story building peeking up from the sand with a road coming to an end beside it. He shrugged. "Well mate, you have two options, hope the owners of the building are friendly and will help you out with a right awful hangover, or wander the desert like an ancient nomad." He looked down at his polo shirt and blue jeans with flip-flops. "Yeah, I'm just gonna head to the building and hope for the best. I'll at least die in some weird place with a roof over my head. Just hope I'm not going to interrupt Bubba during chainsaw cleaning day." He began walking as a random thought entered his head. "Wait, does that joke only work when you're on a farm?"

The trip to the building was uneventful, consisting of complaints about the heat and many wishes for central heating and air. Upon reaching the door he found a note nailed to the door. He looked it over, happy it was at least in English. Due to the lack of customers or any reason to actually stay open The Inn At The End Of Equestria will be closing from this day forth. I guess if you're crazy enough to live here then go for it, but I have no clue where the key is.

The man looked at the note before shrugging. "I'll take a free Inn, at least until I have to move on." He pulled at the door, only to find it locked. He grumbled and patted down his pockets. "Come on Charles, you just locked yourself out. You have the fix for this." He paused at a jungle from his back pocket, pulling out a ring of blank keys. He began sizing up the lock, flicking through the keys before selecting one. He put it in the small slot, giving it a solid bump up as he turned it. The lock turned, opening the door without so much as a groan.

Charles looked over the interior of the bar, taking note of the thin layer of dust that seemed to coat everything. He ran a finger over a table, grimacing as it came up soaked in almost a months worth of dust. "Shit, guess you get what you pay for." He decided to search the back room as his number one order, followed by order number two, drinking himself under the table.

What Do You Mean Princess!?

My name is Charles Russo, no relation to the film directors. I'm a 24-year-old bartender with a Bachelors degree in philosophy because I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. And that was before the weirdest day of my life where I woke up in the middle of a cave and stumbled upon an inn that I now live in. Of course, that meant next to nothing, as here I am a few days later with the only difference being I have some weird fridge still half-stocked with food and a lone menu that I found a nail for before posting it above the bar.

So I was still screwed. I had maybe another couple weeks worth of food, no maps, and if the menu's word for money was right, which by the way was bits, Then I had no money. Of all the stupid names for your money, I think bits ranks right up there with marks. Just a meaningless word in my opinion. Sorry, I got distracted. Either way, I had staved off the reaper with free food and drink and busied myself by hoping someone would come by to lead me to the promised land of possible jobs and safety. So, of course, a smile broke my lips as my front door opened, the rusted bell above the door letting out a sad ring.

I turned towards the door, a large winged unicorn staring at me from my post behind the bar where I held a glass I was cleaning. We stared at each other for a moment before I shrugged. I woke up in a cave where I found a golden goblet. This place was either a weird trip or fairy tale central, so the best I can do is roll with it. I gestured to one of the odd seats in my newest establishment. "Come on in, drinks are two bits a glass, me judging you for being a horse is free." She looked at me flabberghasted, but I simply shrugged. "Make your order or don't, I really don't care."

She snubbed her nose up, her solid white fur and ethereal mane catching a wind I couldn't feel. "Do you always treat customers so rudely? I would hardly expect repeat business if you do."

I scoffed, pouring a drink for myself. "Lady, you look like a horse. If you want me to call you something different then tell me, but I don't exactly have a mile-long line leading into the desert. I have, in fact, zero customers. So unless something changes I'll have to pull up stakes soon anyways." I looked over the inn. "Which is a crying shame, this place is rather pretty in its own way."

She paused, looking over the rustic charms of the hand-made walls. Or maybe hoof-made, if talking horses were a thing. She nodded. "Indeed, it does have its charms I suppose. And I am a pony, not a horse."

I shrugged. "Well, I guarantee to remember that if you buy a drink." I shot her a grin. "Guys gotta eat y'know?"

She gave me a half-grin. "Yes, I suppose you do. Fetch me the strongest drink you have," She paused, raising an elegant wing to touch her chin. "And, mayhaps you could sit with me?"

I nodded, grabbing a spare glass and a bottle of whiskey from behind the counter before snaking my way around to a table. I plopped down with an oof and began to set the table. "So, what's your story pony? Out wandering the desert for treasure? Adventuring the world? Or just all sorts of lost and alone?" She leveled an absolutely evil glare at me, which caused me to raise my hands in mock surrender. "Cool it pony, I have no clue who you are or what's going on. Just trying to make friendly conversation." I made note of the bags under her eyes and the slight slouch in her neck. "You look like you need it."

She let out a sigh, and her horn freaking glowed. With a tendril of gold that captured my imagination, she reached out and grasped the glass, downing the shot like a natural. She shook her head as the whiskey began taking its toll. "I apologize, it has been a trying time." She paused, her one eye visible through her mane looking me over with a critical eye. "Do you really not know who I am?"

I shook my head, taking a sip of my drink lightly. "Nope, don't rightly care either way. Everyone got problems, a barkeeps job ain't to judge. Just offer someone who can listen to problems and maybe offer some sage advice." I reached for a pocket before frowning. "Add complaining about a lack of my pipe to that list. I can hardly give the right image to customers if there's no chance they see me smoking outside when they approach."

The pony raised an eyebrow and tapped the table. I poured another glass and she sighed. "I have done something horrible, and I don't know who to talk to about it."

I smiled, this was a familiar situation. Bring me your lost and your damned and I'll profit from their sadness, and maybe help them out in the effort. "I can promise you one thing lady, I got two working ears and all the time in the world. You wanna chat, then your story won't leave these walls."

She gave a smile I'd seen a thousand times on a hundred faces. The smile of the hopeless seeing a thin glimmer of light. "Me and my sister fought. I couldn't stop her from destroying all we had built together and was forced to banish her. I fear I will never see her again."

I shrugged. "That is some shit." Pouring myself another drink I thought of a response. "I'll admit, I don't know too much about family. Never had much of one to speak of, so I'm the blind leading the blind, but I'm pretty sure if she loves you you'll see her again. Nothing stays gone forever, and from all I've seen, family has the tendency to show up whenever its least convenient."

She let out a quiet laugh, snickering as she raised her glass again. "Hear hear, family truly does tend to show themselves whenever it causes the most problems. But I fear this is a bit of a bigger problem." She sank back another drink, not seeming to care about the fact she was going on a quick ride to Drunksville. "I was the one who drove her to her ignoble actions. I fear there is little chance that her return would be one of love and harmony."

I let out a laugh. "Meeting old friends or exes can be the exact same. Best you can hope for is that dream that they'll forgive you. In the words of one of the greatest people from my home. We must learn to live with finite disappointment, but never give up infinite hope." A small sip of my drink followed as I chewed on that little quote. "Hell, despite my lack of customer's I'm still hoping that I'll be able to stay here."

She gave me a soft smile, one that seemed more honest than the sad smiles before. "And what if I said I could help with that?"

I shrugged. "Well, I'm just a lone little worker. Doubt I can offer much in repayment. But if you keep this place open you would have free drinks and a free room until I close up shop." I smiled at my menu on the wall. "Though I'm a pretty awful cook, so if you asked for food I'd probably charge you just to keep you from buying any of it."

Another giggle escaped her white throat and she rose on four legs. "Then I shall help. I will send word when I return home to send a carriage monthly with the supplies for a full month. I shall send them monthly, with the promise that if I enter all goods are paid for."

I smiled wide. "Well if that's your offer then I've got a room upstairs if you want to wait to leave until morning." I stood myself, downing the last of my drink slide down my throat. "Of course, I think the bed was made with shorter ponies in mind, so it might be a little cramped." I then looked a bit closer, noticing her body was pure muscle coated in a thin layer of fat. I stumbled over my words. "Also the bed may collapse, the bed looks a bit rickety..."

The mare let out a shocked gasp. "My dear sir, are you calling me fat?!" I began to stutter, trying to recover from my misstep before a laugh like bells sounded from the mare. "No no, I'm sorry dear innkeeper. You made it all too easy." She flicked her head to the side, allowing me to see both eyes, as well as the thin scar, peeking out from under her left eye. "But I do have a country to run, so I must be off. If you ever vacation to Equestria proper then hunt down the palace. Tell them Princess Celestia is expecting..."

She rolled her hoof, prompting me to introduce myself. I gave a jaunty bow, smiling as I swept my arms forward. "I am Lord Charles Russo, Wiseman of the brown bottle, and spirit of spirits." She giggled again and made her way to the door. "Then put the drinks on my tab, if it takes longer than a week I shall return posthaste to settle my bill."

With that, she left, and I stayed behind smiling like an idiot. "I'm never gonna see that money, am I?" I shrugged and locked the door behind her. With a whistled tune I made it to my room upstairs and chuckled as I opened the door. "Though that's the first time someone pretended to be a princess for a free drink. I don't even mind too much, that combined with her being a magical talking horse meant she probably would have gotten free drinks either way. The novelty alone was worth a few sips of my ambrosia.

***

It was two more days before another living creature approached my lovely little home. Knocks on the front door roused me from my chores. I tossed the broom at the corner and opened the door with a smile, only for a jaunty collection of ponies in a veritable rainbow of colors sat staring at me. All of them looked to me in confusion as I looked back. After a moment of awkward silence, I fell back to my old ways. "So are you here as one party, or am I gonna have to make a million tickets?"

One of the ponies chuckled, and the one up front coughed into his hoof. He was in some gaudy golden armor, but I chose to ignore his poor choice in body armor and turned to him as he spoke. "By the decree of her highness Princess Celestia we have come to grant the being known as Charles Russo, Wiseman of the Brown Bottles, with a month of supplies for as long as he is able to provide a signature."

I looked at the ponies before leaning outside, looking at the wagon filled with booze, food, and a few random odds and ends. I paused a moment before saying the only thing that came to mind. "WAIT! SHE WAS AN ACTUAL PRINCESS?!"

A Changeling Walked Into The Bar

I grabbed one of my shiny new rags, letting out a content sigh. I'd been here a decade now, and while I didn't feel like I aged a day I could see proof of the passing time. A few ponies had become regulars, dropping in once a month as trade routes became finalized, and I was repeatedly told my inn was a bit too far off the beaten path to be truly successful. I had ignored such slander, stating that never in my life had I seen a successful bar that actually cared about its customers. They would shrug or nod and order their drinks, and the subject was always dropped. I would clean glasses until another pony would call for me, and go back to the grind. My work had been rewarded, and the inn was now rarely empty, though I also never had more than one or two patrons.

Of course, there were also days like today, where the inn was empty with the exception of some soldier sort sleeping upstairs, apparently coming back for vacation from some distant camp. I was doing my normal morning rigmarole, sweeping up the almost nonexistent mess and singing a tune while my broom made lazy circles in the dust and sand that invaded my store. I smiled at the image and began to faux march around the store. "Begone vile cretins! You are not welcome in my humble kingdom!" I began pantomiming a battle as my broom became a blade, striking down such harmful invaders before they could gain a foothold in my home. "En Guarde, I shall strike you invaders down before leaving you in ruin!" I swung the broom wide, pointing it at the door at the exact moment the bell clanged to herald a customer. I glanced at the strange creature that looked shocked to see me in the inn.

I found myself shocked as well. It looked like a pony, but the black chitin and bug-like wings told me it definitely was not a pony. I had seen many creatures in the past decade. From griffins to minotaurs, but this was new. I let out an appreciative whistle at the cracked holes lining the creature's legs. "Damn, you are terrifying to look at." I spun the broom into the crook of my shoulder. "So you buying or just ducking out of the sun for a moment?"

The creature seemed even more surprised at me talking to it, though why that was a shock I didn't know. "Er, I was just looking to escape the heat sir, do you mind?"

I shook my head. "Nah, I'll get you some water to cool down." I moved behind the bar, pulling the large skin I kept cool water in from its hanging spot in the wall. As I poured a glass I kept talking, trying to tease some normal conversation from my newest guest. "So mate, what brings you out this far? Going on some ill-conceived treasure hunt?"

There was a moment of silence as the creature held its tongue, but it loosened when I placed the water in front of him. "No, I am an exile. I was simply wandering."

I nodded. "That's some tough luck friend. What'd you do to get kicked out? If you don't mind me asking of course."

He looked at me as one of his eyes twitched. I think it was the same motion that would raise an eyebrow, but hard chitin doesn't move like smooth skin. He looked me over for a few seconds before a tether of magic shot from his horn. "I questioned the queen of my hive. A greater sin in the hive doesn't exist. For my arrogance, I was cast out."

I nodded, moving to resume my morning chores. "Sounds like your queens a right bitch. Hell, half of my customers question my business. Can't kick them out for it, and sometimes it gives me a good idea anyway."

The creature flinched at my words, looking around as if some FBI team was about to start screaming and charging through the doors. After a moment he relaxed. "She could be... difficult at times. But, she really does have the best interest of the hive in mind."

I shrugged. "Good intentions don't mean dick to dollars if you can't keep the people around you happy." I paused, looking at what was going to be my breakfast. Tasteless meat, grilled to be perhaps even more tasteless. A beautifully devious idea began to bloom, and I smiled. "Yo bug, can you cook?"

He looked offended for a moment, spitting out words of venom and malice that his high-pitched voice made humorous and silly. "I'll have you know I am not a bug. I am a changeling!"

I smiled. "Okay, cool. Can you cook though?"

He rolled his eyes of solid green. "Yes, I was trained to cook with the expectation of infiltration and subterfuge. As useless as it is right now."

I smiled wide. "Then I've got an offer for you. You make me breakfast. I like it and you're my cook. As long as you want you can stick it here and enjoy the bevy of joys that come from working in an inn. Decide to leave and you can head out at any time, sound good?"

He looked at me in confusion. "Did you not hear me when I said I was a changeling?" He raised a hoof to the ceiling. "Bogeymare of Equestria, love parasite, the creature of evil? Any of those ringing bells?"

I scratched my chin, thinking over all he said before shrugging. "But can you cook though?" He let out a sigh, which I took as a victory. "Yeah, just head back to the kitchen and turn the meat into something edible. I don't stock anything that can kill me unless you want to add bleach, so go nuts."

He looked between me and my kitchen. "I haven't even introduced myself yet. How do you know I'm not a wanted criminal?"

I shrugged. "I'm Charles Russo, and I don't care. Now introduce yourself and if you want the job head on back."

He began looking at me with as critical an eye as he could emote without being able to move his face. After a minute he nodded. "I am known as I-3247. And I would appreciate a chance to earn funding for my future life." Without another word, he made his way to the back, and I pumped my fist in victory. No more tasteless cooking if this panned out and a possible employee? This was what some people I knew would call a home run.

I took the barely touched glass of water and dumped it out. I had a purification machine powered by some weird gem, so losing water was hardly a worry for me. I cleaned it out and moved to my next chore, kicking out my late sleepers. With heavy steps, I made my way upstairs. I had barely decorated the inn in the last decade, and the upper halls were no different. Bare wooden walls that were dusted weekly were the only sight one could spot. I made my way to the first room, opening it up to the sleeping pony.

Ponies were adorable when they slept, this was one of those immutable laws of whatever strange world I was on. I'll admit a few years ago that thought might have annoyed me, but I had grown used to my adopted home. I also still had my wonderful sense of mischief. With silent steps I made it right up to the side of the bed, grabbing a spare pillow from its home under the bed. With a warcry to match Attila the hun, I slammed the pillow into the sleeping pony, who let out a strangled cry and rolled away.

I guffawed in laughter as the pony rose from the other side of the bed, a confused wobble showing how off-balance he was. I placed the pillow under the bed. "There's your wakeup call friend. I got a potential cook downstairs if he passes muster I can get him started on breakfast. On the house since I had some fun with you." He let out a tired nod before stumbling to his bag, probably to grab the useless armor all the pony-types wore. I was still wondering why they used such a soft metal, but they were technically a world superpower. I guessed it was the worlds strongest flex. We use fancy, expensive armor because you'll never get close enough to matter anyways type of deal.

I went down the stairs in fine spirits, marking yet another chore of my daily to-do list. It was still early, maybe ten at the latest. That means any caravans wouldn't be showing up for at least another few hours, and lone walk-ins were rare enough that I figured with one already inside I was clear to do whatever I wanted. I moved to the corner and grabbed the only thing I had splurged on in the past decade. A beaten old fiddle, barely kept in tune by amateur fingers with a frayed bow. I could barely play it, but I was slowly improving. Now I felt comfortable playing with a customer or two around, though I would hardly call myself an expert.

I begin to idly saw at the old strings, sending a bastardized jig to the heavens as the inn creaked and the wind blew. I began tapping my foot in rhythm, keeping myself in time with the mystic beat that seemed to flow through the earth itself. Playing an instrument was perhaps the only hobby I could find. I didn't get merchants enough to waste paper writing or drawing, and books were a rarity on the best of days, but besides basic upkeep materials which I bought whenever I could find them, my trusty fiddle was always there for me.

My tune seemed to help the lone guest fully rouse himself, as after a few minutes he stumbled down the steps with a bag in toe. He slung it under a table and sat down, glancing at the menu. He grunted in my general direction. "Think you can get me a salad?"

I nodded. "Sure thing, lemme just see if the new cook passes his little test." I got up, placing the fiddle in its home beside the stone fireplace and making my way to the back. As soon as I opened the door the changeling ran into me, a simple meal grasped in his green magical field. I smiled wide, grabbing the plate. "Let's see how it tastes, huh?" He rubbed his head as I took a bite, and an explosion of actual flavor erupted in my mouth. I wouldn't say it was the greatest thing I'd ever had, but compared to my meager skills it was artisanal. I nodded. "Jobs yours friend. We'll talk pay and like when our customer clears out. If you make him a salad and bring it out I'll take care of the front and drinks."

He peeked around me. "Er, take it out? Do I have to?"

I shrugged. "It would be nice, but if it does bug you when the next merchant drops by I'll get a bell so you can ring it and I'll bring it out. Until then though, you'll at least have to poke your head out so I know your done."

He nodded slowly. "Alright, I can do that. Just, don't let them arrest me or something, okay? There are horror stories about what ponies do to Changelings."

I nodded and grabbed my plate. "If you poison him then make sure he dies after he's cleared my bar, I don't want to deal with hiding a body so close to my business."

I turned about, cradling my new meal with a loving embrace. I sat at the chair across from the guard, using a knife to cut the meat into thin strips. "New cook's better than me, so he'll start your breakfast right now."

He gave a slow nod. "Is a drink with the free breakfast?"

I nodded, finishing off the already dead meat with vicious cuts until all that was left were bite-sized chunks. "Yeah, booze or water?"

He bounced his head back and forth. "Water's probably smarter, got a long walk back to Canterlot. I'm hoping to make it in time for the Summer Sun Celebration." He perked up as I walked off. "Hey, did you know Princess Celestia's actually going out to do it again? First time since the revolution that she's left the palace on official business."

I shook my head, filling a glass and bringing it over to my customer. "Nah, haven't seen her in ages though. If you get a chance then tell her Charles wants her to drop by, I never got to actually talk to her. She just had some whiskey and left."

The guard froze as the drink seemed to stick in place en route to his mouth. "Princess Celestia ate here?"

I nodded. "Yeah, musta been about a decade ago, she was my first customer. We chatted for a bit, talked about some stuff. Thought she was lying about being a princess until I got a letter a few days later." I laughed at the memory. "Man, the guy who delivered it was a total prick, complained at me for not keeping decorum with the princess when I told him I slung back some whiskey with her. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack then and there!"

The guard lowered his cup, staring around the inn as if he had received some great honor. Or maybe he had some gas, I could barely read pony body language that wasn't a pretty obvious analog to human stuff. "Wow, I never would have thought..."

I shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. I keep this place as calm as possible, I don't want a thousand would be rulers coming in thinking I'll do them favors. If you walk through my doors you get treated like every other ass in the world. Which is why I keep ponies coming both ways through. Noone likes a place that plays favorites."

The guard looked at me like I was crazy, but was interrupted by a cough from the back. We both turned to see my newest employee holding a salad in his grip. The guard moved fast, getting up to charge the changeling as soon as his eyes met him. I moved faster, reaching over the table to grab him by his collar. "Hold up partner, that there's my newest employee. So play nice and thank him for your breakfast."

He turned his head, glaring at me. "He's a bucking BUG! Their all just leeches that steal from Equestria like a parasite!"

I tossed him back into his chair. "Look, you can be as racist as you want, but you check that at the door., He hasn't done anything illegal, and he accepted working for me. That means you can either enjoy his wonderful breakfast or walk out that door and try to badmouth my inn to every joe schmo outside." I leaned over my table. "I'll give you the same rule I've given every other creature that entered my home." I pointed to I, gesturing with enthusiasm. "If you want to talk to him then sit down, talk to him, then you can loudly proclaim your hatred and I'll smile and nod."

I walked across the room, patting I on the head and grabbing the plate. I placed it in front of the guard with the utmost professionalism. "So quit being an asshat and eat your food. I'm still comping the cost, so enjoy and then you can complain about whatever imagined crime he did to your buddies."

The guard glared back and forth before sighing. "Whatever, but if I see Celestia she will hear about this!"

I nodded. "Cool, now eat. I'm going to talk shop with my employee so leave whenever. If you want to stay another night it'll cost an apology." I shuffled back to the kitchen, closing the door behind me as the changeling sat there trembling. I moved to the stove, looking it over. "DAMN! Did you actually clean this thing?" I poked the now shining metal surface with a finger, scared it would collapse since I thought the rust and dirt were holding it together. It held firm as I peeked at it like it was a mystical artifact. "I mean, I legit thought it would break if I cleaned it to much, yeah no, you are definitely working for me, I'll give you thirty percent of profits and a roof with meals. Deal?"

The changeling fell to his butt. "But, the guard.."

I waved him off. "I don't have time for assholes. Are you going to track him down and kill him?" He shook his head and I nodded. "Then you're good. Hell, maybe some of your old hivemates might stop by for a night with you here. Doesn't really matter. What do you eat anyway?"

He shuffled from hoof to hoof, the solid clink of chitin on wood sounding. "Er, I eat emotions."

The system has encountered a runtime error.

Charles OS has encountered an idea that sounds too silly to exist, restarting system.

...

...

Restart complete, stupid idea threshold has been significantly lowered.

I let out a breath. "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, and I watched late night television before, so the bar was pretty fucking low." I ran my hand through my dark black hair. "Well, will it kill me if you eat my emotion?" The changeling shook his head. I let out a low whistle. "Okay, okay. Then whatever, just snatch what you need from me or the patrons, just don't hurt anyone and I don't care."

The changeling perked up. "Really?"

I rolled my head. "Look, your weird, this place is weird, and I feel like a wave of weird magical bullshit has finally eaten my last scrap of sanity. I'm just gonna pretend you eat when I'm not looking and not think about the utter clusterfuck my life has become." I made my way upstairs, deciding not to think about the several issues that seemed to have become my life now.

Author's Note

Well, this demented journey is happening. Huh.

Don't Party With The Princess

It had been a long time. Like, a really long time. I stopped counting when I realized my age was apparently hard-locked in my early twenties. My changeling had left after a few decades, only to be replaced by another. It appeared hiring one spread through whatever passed for a rumor mill in their home because I always had at least one exiled changeling working in my kitchen. With occasional wait staff for a few months before they wandered off to do whatever it is they did. The ponies and griffons adjusted quickly, probably because I complained at them until they either ignored them or left.

Of course, It still was hardly a hotspot of customers, their slow funneling rate showing just how little my area was traveled. This was the main reason I was so confused when early on a winter morning a knock sounded at my door. I put down my fiddle and walked up, opening the door without fanfare. I didn't bother looking at who was behind me, instead going back to what Sam-I-am, my first employee, had dubbed the king's corner. A small plaque proclaiming it proudly hanging above my stool and fiddle. I picked it up and watched the door. A head poked through. "Er, are you going to announce the princess's arrival?"

I stared at the guard in all his shiny glory. I raised an eyebrow at the embarrassed pony. "No, if she wants a drink then go tell her to come on in, but I ain't gonna put on airs for her."

There was a fearful look from the guard, but he ducked back out without much preamble. I began to play on my fiddle, beginning a sea shanty for fun and profit. "Yo ho, up she rises! Yo ho, up she rises!" I began going through the full shanty as the same guard ran through the door. "Presenting her royal highness, Princess Celestia!" I paused my playing, watching as the sad winged unicorn from all those decades ago walked through the door. She seemed a bit taller, and her sad eyes now glinted with joy as she scanned the area.

She stopped at a small painting of the desert, strange shapes and otherworldly figures haunting the way. She looked it over. "My, what a unique piece!"

I put up the fiddle, walking up as soon as it was resting softly. "Yeah, dude who sold it to Sam was half-baked. Literally. I'm pretty sure he was smoking some speed weed becaude he said this was the view outside his rooms window." I began move behind the bar. "Of course, the fact that his room didn't have a window seemed to vex him quite a bit. Been a while Celestia, cashing in that free room?"

She stared at me in confusion. "Charles? You still reside in this inn?"

I nodded, grabbing a glass before peering around my first customer. "6, 7, 8. Eight guards. I don't have enough rooms unless some of them are fine doubling up, but I should be able to host you guys pretty easy. Food's free too, I have a cook now, so I'm not scared you'll throw up or something."

Celestia seemed to stare, and a small tendril of that old golden magic reached out, lightly touching me as my vision flashed slightly. She took a half-step back, confusion evident on her face. "You are Charles, how are you alive?"

I smiled. "Good eating and the will of my many many customers." I gestured to the empty bar. "And the gangs all here tonight, lemme check on the cook." I turned around to face the small window we cut between the kitchen and the bar. I saw Butter half-asleep in the corner. "Yo Butter, get your shit together! We got customers who need a fresh meal and a cold drink. I'll handle the floor if you can make orders!"

There was a solid thump as she fell off her chair, and I laughed. She grumbled a bit. "I told you I'm not Butter. I am D - 163, and I would appreciate being called by my given name."

I laughed again. "If you think I'm calling anything a number I got bad news. Down that path lies unions, caring about profit margins, and soulless paperwork. So come up with something better if you want me to stop calling you Butter!" I turned back to Celestia, who was watching in both confusion and delight.

One of her guards spoke up. "Uhm, sir? Was that a changeling I heard in the back?"

I nodded. "Eyup, just don't call her by whatever it is she just said. She's Butter until she comes up with something better. Or Butter. Haha, puns." I clapped my hands together. "So, what can I get you wonderful ponies tonight. Butter is pretty bad at meat, but luckily when it comes to veggies she's a grade-a supastar!" I did a few energetic motions I spoke if only to wake myself up from my own sleepy haze.

The guards all looked worried, but Celestia let out a small giggle. "I'll admit, I was here to see how you could keep signing for things far past how long I thought you would remain alive, but we did need a place to rest tonight. If you would be so kind as to suggest a meal, we will gladly use your generous offer."

I nodded with a wide smile. "Badass." I leaned back. "Yo Butter, get me one order of your greatest sampler, I'll get the other's in a sec." I looked at the guards. "Aight gold boys, there's a menu above my head, take your pick. Drinks are on the house but don't get too rowdy, my only waiter is passed out upstairs right now."

I begin pulling out glasses as orders slowly funnel in. I let myself get lost in the humdrum of day to day work until one of the guards says something not relating to work. "So this is the special service a princess gets?"

I shrug, filling his glass. "Nah, she doesn't get any special service besides free. I don't fake stuff for my guests, I believe the term for what I do is keeping it real."

The guard scoffed. "Respect isn't fake. For a weird ape, you seem awfully sure that you need not care for proper decorum."

I finished off his glass, and moved to the glass beside him, filling it up. "I don't put on airs because I don't care. I respect her like I respect the sea. I know she wields power that could destroy everything, and that I owe her, but like I don't bow to the sea I don't bow to her. If she needed me to bow to show my appreciation then she would be far more foolish than I believe." I paused, looking at Celestia as I thought. "Though you are right. YO CELESTIA!" The guard sputtered as I walked off.

I began grabbing a few bottles of various booze, pulling out a large glass. She looked to me with a raised eyebrow. "Yes Charles, do you require something?"

I smiled as I sorted the bottles on the counter. "Yeah, loose women and new set of fiddle strings. But that ain't what I'm talking to you for." I put the glass in front of her. "You've done right by me celly, so I ask you. Do you want to taste the drink that can only be brought to you by the greatest human mixer in all the land?"

She giggled. "Of course, though since you are the only human I've ever seen I fear you may have earned that title by default."

I nodded. "Yep, the best way to win a title. Then let me give you my under the table special. I call it Wing Burn." I spun a bottle in my hand. "Fair warning, don't go flying for twenty-four hours after drinking this, and please remember the vomit bucket is conveniently located in each corner and under the bed of the private rooms." There were a few laughs and many more gasps as I began splashing various drinks in the glass. Celestia watched as I spilled more and more liquid courage into the cup. Whiskey, Rum, beer, ale, cider. They all mixed and swirled inside as grabbed the final ingredient. With the holy care it deserved, I grabbed a small golden vial. I popped the top and spilled liquid rainbow into the top. A small pillar of smoke rose from the drink, and I smiled.

Celestia reached forward, and I slapped her hand aside like she was a toddler. "No, not yet your majesty. This drink hasn't earned its wings yet." The guards glared while I poked my head through the window behind me. "Hey Butter, you got a few seconds?"

Butter glanced behind her, removing her pan from the heat and nodded. "Yep, gotta let this sit for a moment anyway. What does my useless boss need today?"

I flipped her off. Because I am a mature adult. "We're giving a patron wings, I need you for the finishing touch."

Butter smiled wide, vampire fangs glinting in the firelight. "Oh Tartarus, why didn't you say so." She began galloping around, opening the door and ignoring the patrons as she approached the bar. I'll admit, watching Celestia turn to her was perfect. The way her face fell and she skidded across the floor into a table was perfectly perfect. Her head popped up from an empty pan that had been on the wall. "Uh, boss? Did you perhaps notice the leader of an entire nation sitting at your bar?"

I smiled. "Don't worry about it Butter, I need you to light this drink up like a firecracker."

She groaned. "Whatever, guess your plan is to get us killed for giving the princess alcohol poisoning." She slowly trotted up to the counter. "I want it on record right now, I am being forced to do this against my will." She began to use sarcasm so thick I thought of making it my newest drink. "Oh, ah no. Please don't make me boss."

Despite the complaints, she lowered her horn to the tall glass and a thin spark of magic arced into it. The drink erupted into flames, the topmost layer softly burning. I gave a bow."Princess, your drink is ready."

The whole group stared as Butter took the moment to slink back into the kitchen. Celestia raised a wing to point at the drink. "Is it supposed to be on fire?"

I nodded happily. "Yep. Couldn't call it Wing Burn, if it didn't burn, could I? I am many things my dearest princess, but liar is only kinda on the list." She still appeared hesitant, so with a roll of my eyes I grabbed another glass. "C'mon Celly, I'll drink one too." I paused, before pointing to a random guard. "You, go upstairs to room 9 and wake up Billiam." The guard looked to Celestia who nodded. As I began mixing my own drink I shouted after him. "Tell him I need his help because I'm about to get wasted."

I did my work quickly, letting my hands move like blurs as I focused on the task at hand. I knew I only had a few more vials of liquid rainbow left, but I was so fine with using it like this. Turning up with a princess was quite the achievement even without it being my own special drink. I cracked the top, and added a flourish to its dump for my own ego, spinning the bottle as I emptied it into my mixture. I held the drink through the window. "One more Butter, light up my world." I heard a sigh, but felt the fwoosh of flame and pulled the drink to my chest. "Alright, princess lets go." Without any lead in I flipped the drink into my mouth, chugging down flaming alcohol like a white girl with daddy issues.

I will say, you've never been to a college party if there weren't a bunch of lost students with no clue what they were doing in it. I may have earned a degree, but it was useless and I knew as much. So I hid my own lack of plan under a mad amount of alcohol, and my chug game was on point. Within ten seconds my attack run on my liver was complete, and I was pretty sure I nailed the exhaust port if you catch my meaning. Mostly because the world probably wasn't wobbling and I don't remember when I doubled the signs hanging around the eating area. Celestia let out a breath as her own drink hit the bar. "Oh my, that was much stronger than the last drink I had here."

I nodded and felt myself fall into my bar with a solid thunk. I laid on the floor for a second before several heads peeked over the counter. I raised a thumb to them. "Hells yea, Wing Burn's a hell of a time." I began stumbling into a vertical stance that I hesitate to call standing. "I think- I think it's the strongest drink I make. I normally only let employees have it, but you're a good gal Celly. Hope ya liked it." She nodded with a smile. It was a nice smile, though I liked everyone's smile. I'm probably biased. "Hey Celly, I got a room special for you. Since you said you might wander in, I got number... uhhhhhh." My train of thought derailed as a sight came from beside me.

I turned to it, and Billiam was standing behind the bar. He looked at me with lidded eyes, disappointment flowing from his face like a waterfall of issues I hadn't seen since I told an ex I ran a bar. "Boss, go sit down." I nodded emphatically as he gave a bow to Celestia. "I'm sorry for my bosses actions, I don't know what made him think it was a good idea to drink Wing Burn with guests in the bar."

I raised a hand, pointing to the sky while trying to spin to his direction. "Hey!" I overshot, scrambling to find my balance as I stumbled backward. I caught myself before impacting a chair, steadying myself with the bar. "Celly's no guest. She's a friend. Like- Like..." I snapped my fingers as a thought coalesced. "Like Bob Ross, or Mr. Rogers. A true Hero of her time!" That was as far as my speech went, as the floor decided to reintroduce itself to my face. With another loud thump, I hit the floor.

***

I groaned as I woke up, my head pounding. I looked over my surroundings, trying to make a checklist of my fuckups. "Okay, number one. This is almost 100%, not my room." I glanced at the bar floor, with a fair number of loose bottles scattered across the floor, and a single guard still in armor passed out in front of the door. I stood slowly, patting myself down. I was still wearing clothes, so that was a positive. Unfortunately, my pipe was missing from my pocket. I felt my bag of tobacco, so I had that still. I glanced around before my vision settled on the carved Griffon head on my wall. It was based on some hero of legend and Sam bought it before he left. My pipe hung from the beak, and I grabbed it before packing it and walking to a small candle. I used the open flame to light it, and took a few puffs, looking at my current trash pit of an inn. I peeked in the kitchen and found it empty.

"Okay, so everyone is probably hungover. Sadly I'm included in this list." I rubbed my face, before popping out a smoke ring. "Okay, so pick up the floor and make hella hash browns and pancakes. Ultimate hangover cure. And if I can do it without burning myself it will be a successful morning." So that's what I did. Using many years of training I silently cleaned up the floor, placing each glass bottle gently against the wall so I could trade them to the next passing merchant. As soon as that was done I moved to the back and turned on the oven.

It took another thirty minutes before proof of life came from on high. Heavy hoofsteps sounded from the stairs as I threw together the second plate of hash browns. A thump sounded from somewhere outside, and I grabbed the plate with the easy grace only given by repetition. Bussing tables were always my best skill, being loaded up with tons of food and delivering it with style was a hobby I rarely got to enjoy anymore. Walking out of the kitchen I found Celestia, apparently, none the worse for wear as she happily sat at the bar. "Oh, hello Charles! I must say you do know how to throw a party, I think that was the first Nightmare Night I've enjoyed in ages."

I placed the plate in front of her, before pawing behind the bar and throwing a prepared bottle of water that I kept for moments like this in front of her. I began to slink back into the quiet kitchen before my brain loaded what she said. "The fuck's a Nightmare Night?" No answer followed, and I heard Celestia begin her meal. I decided that was a question for another day. As a lance of pain speared my head I changed my mind. It was a question for another year because today was definitely a quiet day.

You Can't Keep a Good Sun Down Pt.1

By my great God in heaven, just how long would it take me to die? I looked at the land around my inn, smoking a pipe. It has been so freaking long since I got here I literally lost track of time. I said before that I stopped keeping count, but it was still a logical fucking number! As I looked over the horizon I took a puff. Sunrise should be approaching soon, and it was some sort of holiday. I supposed I could check my calendar for which one, or that I should have figured out the holidays by now, but I didn't actually care. The only holiday I still celebrated was St. Patricks day, sure I just said it was the fourth of March because I couldn't really remember the day, but I digress. Half price drinks for all and a Wing Burn for each employee, followed by a total wreck of a party.

I rolled my eyes as the sun staunchly refused to rise. The moon hung in the sky like some mad jester. I stared at it in confusion, something was different. I leaned back towards the inn, calling to whoever was inside. "Hey, can someone come out here and help me establish that I am, in fact, insane?"

I heard some grumbles from inside before the door beside me opened and my grumpy assistant walked up. Pupa, some high born Changeling apparently in their version of the witness protection program. She was fresher than a newborn babe, only showing up about a day or two ago. Thus far she was much too passive for my taste. She looked up at me and rolled her eyes. I beamed at her. "There you go, show some feeling for once." I took a puff of the pipe, doing my best Gandalf pose. "So young Pupa, tell me. Does the moon seem different tonight?"

She glanced at the clean ball of grey in the sky before her eyes bugged out. (Haha) "Mr. Charles, we need to hide!" She bolted back inside, the door swinging slightly as I stared at her smoke outline as it dispersed. I took another puff of my pipe, judging the ever-loving hell out of her for bolting at the moon losing some colored spots. A second later her head peeked out. "Did you hear me, Mr. Charles?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course Pupa, if we all hide in the only building for miles around we'll never be found! What a brilliant plan!" I pointed my pipe at the surrounding desert. "Look, kid, we're surrounded by zip, zilch, and a small smidge of nada. If something comes looking for us we're nicked anyway, so how about telling me what exactly has you running about like an idiot?"

She stared at me before giving me a look that betrayed her utter astonishment at my lack of what very well may have been common knowledge. "The mare on the moon? You know, the story about the mad princess Nightmare Moon who wants to make the night last forever?"

I tapped my pipe on my chin. "Hmm, that's pretty fuckin' stupid. I mean, don't plants need the sun to do that silly little photosynthesis thing?"

Pupa opened her mouth slightly as if my comment was ridiculously stupid. "What part of mad princess did you miss?"

I nodded towards her, dumping my pipe out on the sand. " You know what? Good point." I tucked my pipe into my chest pocket, making my way to the door. "Well, nothing doing. We'll start up breakfast for my little Gucci gang and see if the sun will figure it's life out later."

Pupa stared at me in horror, as if I was saying something so stupid that it may cause her physical harm. "What if she comes here?"

I shrugged. "Look kid, if this Nightmare Moon chick is so hard up for stuff to do that she'll wander to my little nowhere inn, then she'll do whatever she wants to when she gets here. Until then we're gonna do our jobs and that's it." I did pause when I reached the kitchen though. "Hey Pupa, should we wake up the folks who asked to be woken up at sunrise, or just let them sleep in?"

She looked between me and the stairwell, before throwing a longing glance at the door. She sighed and deflated a bit. "Today's a day to sleep in. I'm sure of that at least."

I nodded. "Yeah, I figured that much at least. Then go and wake up Lord Jeffery the fourth, I've got the wake-up tea for the day." She nodded and stomped upstairs like I just beat her with a 2X4. I raised an eyebrow as I moved a teapot to the stove, grabbing a second one to fill while thinking aloud. "That girl needs to calm down. Not like we're gonna get a guest today, so I highly doubt anything will come of this.

I listened to the bubbling water with a bobbing head, pulling the kettle off as soon as the first whistle chimed. With sure hands, I grabbed the various leaves my special wake-up brew required. Packed with enough caffeine to drop a full grown elephant, and a taste of heaven, this was the lifeblood of my operation. I poured the three glasses my small teapot allowed, grabbing the next one. Technically I only had two employee's, so three glasses were more than enough. The rub of it was that today was gonna suck, so my guests would get some goose juice with my compliments.

I poured the final glasses as there was muttering from outside. A changelings head poked through the service window. "Boss, you're well aware of the current literal apocalypse event going on outside, correct?"

I nodded. "Yep, don't care. Want some tea?"

Lord Jeffery was an odd sort. Upon finding out I named three of my changeling wards Jeffery, he immediately proclaimed he was Lord Jeffery the fourth. I didn't mind this, he made a mean plate of stir-fry and actually had enough manners to cover the front whenever I wanted a break. This did nothing to distract from the fact that the boy was about as strange as they came, and held the airs of aristocracy despite knowing more about architecture than court politics. He looked over the kitchen and nodded. "Good enough chap, I'll handle the bar for any customers. Think you could play us a merry tune while we await our end?"

I nodded. "I can do that Jeff, pass a tea to anything that stumbles down the stairs. It's gonna be one of those days." WIth a positive sounding smack of his lips he disappeared. I placed all but one of the glasses on the window and walked out with y own. Taking a sip I moved over to the King's Corner. My stool had been changed over the years, my various employee's changing whatever they thought they could get away with. Long gone was my simple stool and burned sign. Now an official metal plaque hung freely, with gothic script displaying it's adopted name with pride. The stool was metal, with a plush velvet seat in a soft red. I kinda hated it, but it fit the theme of my corner so I let it slide.

I picked up my fiddle and dusted it off. It had evolved with time as well, though by my own choice rather than others. It had been replaced twice, and this model had gone through more strings then I wanted to share. I felt old just thinking about it. I raised my bow, trying to think of a song that would raise some spirits. After a few experimental pulls of my bow I nodded, and played.

I let myself get lost in the tune, tapping my foot and bobbing my head as my fingers danced across my old friend. I heard several noises in the background but ignored them as my mind stuck to the fiddle like glue. I played with the clarity of a Buddha, and the focus of an ancient monk. Which was odd considering I was as far from enlightened as one could possibly tread and had the discipline of a distracted dog. I finished the song with a flourish, bowing at the small amount of scattered applause.

I looked and found all two of my wonderful patrons standing in front of the bar. I gave them a jaunty wave as I picked up my tea. After a refreshing sip, I smiled wide. "Well, can't ask for a prettier day for the end of the world, eh?"

Jeff gave a laugh, and one of the ponies strained out a smile. The griffon just sneered at me, but he was a grumpy ass, so therefore his opinion was meaningless. The pony spoke up. "So that's it? Nightmare Moon is free and the worlds over?"

I shrugged, looking around to find Pupa pouring herself a glass of whiskey. I waved my bow at her. "Pupa, stop that! If you have to day-drink make it Irish tea so you'll at least stay awake!" She jumped as she turned to me before nodding. She dumped her shot into her tea and stirred the wonderfully evil concoction before taking a sip. "Right, sorry about that folks. But to answer your question, maybe?" I waved my bow about in a hopeless manner. "I figure either something will happen, or it won't. So how about we just enjoy our free tea, and maybe get drunk until we know what's going on?"

The pony looked around as if speaking to a madman, but the griffon nodded. She raised a claw to her beak, tapping it twice. "Yes, that does seem like the smartest course of action. Booze free today?"

I shrugged. "Eh, we'll say two free drinks." I turned to the bar. "Jeff, you stopped being too stuck up to mix drinks yet?"

He chuffed at me. I still had no idea how anything could chuff successfully, but Jeff was a master. "A gentleman takes his drinks straight or abstains. I will not lower myself to your barbaric level."

I laughed, an easy thing with my merry band of idiots. "Yeah yeah, but mom loves me more than you."

I put down my fiddle in its little case. Some little changeling made it a shrine, complete with a plaque which I had used to name it. My Fiddle was Carl if you were curious. I scooted him out of my way, grabbing a tea. "So, you want to make your tea Irish kitty-cat?"

The griffon rolled his eyes. "Of course monkey, though if you want me to come back you could just call me Grimin."

I looked at him. "Is that your real name? Because it sounds fake." She nodded, causing me to begin pouring a bit of booze into her tea. "Well, I'm Charles. I've somehow managed to net a few titles in Equestria, but I made them up so I doubt it does much for my social standing." I paused as a knock rang out through my door. I finished the drink and shouted across the room. "DOORS OPEN, COME JOIN OUR LITTLE APOCOLYPSE PARTY!"

The door slipped open, and Celestia trotted through the door. A collection of bruises and cuts littered her body. I raised an eyebrow as gasps sounded through the bar, but chose to follow my normal subtle stylings. "Damn Celly, you look like shit."

As is the standard for when royalty walks into my door gasps rang out in stereo. I tossed them aside as I reached under the bar, pulling the medkit free. "C'mere Celestia, let's get a look at you." She moved slowly, sitting in front of the King's Corner as I moved over to my stool. I began disinfecting cuts as I looked her over. "So, does this mean we're fucked, or did you have a back-up plan?"

She coughed, but no blood fell. For which I was thankful. When she spoke her voice seemed weak and strained. "I have a plan, and I believe it will work."

I gave her a gentle pat, looking over to Jeff. "Hey Jeff, put on a new kettle. Make Tia the fancy shit, and do whatever gentleman crap you do to make all those ladies smile." Jeff nodded with a smile, running to the back as I gestured to the pony and griffon. "You two, keep doing you." I rolled my hand. "This ain't the first time this old horse wandered in, so just ignore it for a bit until she's fit to talk."

They nodded dumbly, turning around before breaking out into hushed whispers. I checked each cut again, making sure they were clean before slapping a non-bruised area of Celestia. "You're all fixed up boss! Wanna drink while we wait for that plan to finish eh?"

She nodded, a slight smile peeking from under her mane. "But of course Charles. It would be rude to deny such an offer." She paused, looking over the bar. "Though, I don't think I have the time to reenact our second meeting. Perhaps we shall have time to share some Wing Burn later though."

I glared at her. "Celestia, I still don't know what happened that night. I somehow ran out of enough booze for a month in a single night. I found my best two suits on the roof, and Butter called me the lord of dance until she left. I will never do Wing Burn with you again."

Celestia paused, but I couldn't stop the smile as her voice returned to its normal cheer. "If I asked you really nicely and brought a guest would you?"

I've been told I have an iron will. However this was only by liars of the highest caliber, and one of them was actually struck by lightning that very night. I let out a defeated sigh. "Sure, whatever. But I swear to God almighty if you don't send me replacement booze I will write a very strongly worded letter to you and then mail it to the wrong address. I'd like to see your public image after they found out you pulled a dine and dash. Even if it was from a restaurant you've been funding the entire time."

She let out a giggle. "I will prepare the paperwork as soon as I return."

I stood behind the bar and began shuffling back and forth. I looked for breakfast before leaning back. "Yo Jeff, throw on four orders of Pancakes, two with bacon." I paused, before turning to my guests. "I'm feeling like hash and cheese, who else is game?"

The pony seemed to be dumbfounded, mouth open and in an expression of shock. He nodded regardless though so I rose one finger. The griffon simply shrugged. "I will try it, though I have no idea what this hash you speak of is."

Celestia clapped her hooves together like a happy filly. "Oh yes, your hash browns are most excellent. Is it possible I can have some mushrooms with it?" She looked at me expectantly, and I didn't have the will to say no.

I peeked through the window. "And make four sets of browns with cheese, a large one with mushrooms for the princess." Jeff nodded with enthusiasm, passing a large mug to me before returning to the stove. I placed the mug in front of Celestia. "There you go you oversized kid and one set of hash and fungus coming right up."

She stuck out her tongue as I turned to the pony, who was still sitting with his mouth open. I reached over an closed it, before turning to the griffon. "Grimin, right?" She nodded and I checked her half-empty drink. Damn bird drank fast. "Is your friend okay? He seems to be kinda broken."

Grimin shrugged. "I haven't had the honor of traveling very long with him, but from what I gather he is one of Celestia's pet paladins. I think he is simply starstruck at her appearance."

Celestia turned to look at him. "Oh, he is. How are you Comet Trail? Did your mission in Marelantis go well?"

Comet nodded, maintaining a solid unblinking stare at my wall. I snapped a few times in front of his face, getting no reaction. I looked between him and Celestia. "Is this normal? Cause it's freaking me out."

Celestia nodded. "Oh yes, several of the ponies in the Order of Light never expect to meet me. Honestly, the fact that he hasn't fallen to his barrel to spout the various litanies of light is a rather marked improvement over the norm." A ring interrupted everything as my window was filled with food, all smoking hot and smelling wonderful. I began sorting the food to each of my patrons. I reached under the counter, pulling out a large container of maple syrup.

Celestia grabbed it without a second thought, covering her pancakes with a terrifying amount of tree-blood. I watched in abject fear at the pure diabetes slowly leaking onto her plate as a small golden wall rose to keep her hash browns safe from cross-contamination. I shook my head, trying to ignore the affront to health invading my inn and began munching on my own plate. After a few bites, the other guests joined in, me and the griffin enjoying our meat-filled treats. I paused mid-bite, before gesturing my fork to Celestia. After forcing down my flapjack I managed to mumble out my question. "Since you raise the sun, and you can't do that while Nightmare's doing her thing, how will you know if your plan worked?"

She didn't say anything, preferring to shovel the last of her hash browns into her mouth. I raised both eyebrows, unsure whether to be proud or scared of how fast she demolished her plate. Before she could swallow I saw a distant explosion out my front window, a rainbow mushroom cloud rising on the horizon. Celestia pointed to it while nodding. I let out a whistle. "Damn, that's a hell of a cue. Can you make with the sunshine now?"

She nodded, her horn glowing as dawn broke a few hours late, but the sun chasing away the dark desert night. She waved a wing at me before teleporting away. The griffon looked to me with a raised eyebrow. "Did you call the princess of Equestria an oversized kid?"

I nodded, fishing out my pipe. "Yep, called her a horse too." I pointed my fork to her hash browns, only a few bites taken from them. "You gonna finish those hash browns? Tonights gonna be weird."

You Can't Keep A Good Sun Down Pt. 2

I woke up with a killer headache, betraying the fact I made a fair few mistakes last night. I looked around, and let out a breath of relief. I was in my room, with the shitty painting I got from Jeffery the first hanging above the door, and the chalice shoved on top of my wardrobe. I let out a groan and patted my bedside table. I felt the cool skin of my water pouch, squishing under my fingers. I pulled it towards me, letting the cool liquid hit my parched throat. Properly hydrated, I moved off my bed. I looked myself over. I was thankfully in actual pajamas, meaning I had some control over myself last night. This was good because it meant the chances of finding something ridiculous and embarrassing was fairly low. Then I stepped off my bed and heard a shout of pain.

The floor rolled from under me, sending me back onto my bed with a thump of impact. I looked up, my head loudly having a full-scale coup at its mistreatment, and seeming to successfully kill me. I groaned and heard it repeated by whatever I had stepped on. I peeked forward, noticing a blue-winged unicorn laying on my floor, a bottle of whiskey held in the crook of her hoof. I stared for a minute, before flopping back onto my bed. "Hey, you hungover too?"

There was a growl, which I assumed was a yes, or a threat of murder. Either way, it was long past time for my standard cure, only this time with tea thrown in. "Okay, look I have no clue who you are. I also have no clue what happened last night. So I propose that I go downstairs and we grab some greasy food while we fight off this bullshit. Sound good?"

Another growl, this time with a question mark following it. Luckily years in a bar made me fluent in the language of pain and regrets. "Yeah, I can help you down. Just leave the bottle, I can clean up in here later." There was a grumble as glass rolled across my wooden floor, and the mystery guest rolled to her hooves. A small crown rested on her head, and she had that weird metal necklace that Celestia wore whenever she visited. I shrugged it off, using a hand to guide her as we stumbled our way downstairs. With her being a trotting hand-support, and me fulfilling my role as a mobile wall, we managed to stumble to the bar. I left her by a table, letting her figure out the minutia of sitting while I made my shaky way to the kitchen.

I pulled the various utensils I would require from their homes as carefully as possible, each noise sending mister headache into a very painful tantrum. After negotiating the depths of hell to ready my kitchen and ingredients, I began cracking eggs cutting spuds. I was thing eggs, hash browns, and some bananas would be what the doctor ordered. I threw the kettle on too, hoping tea would help as my drink. As everything warmed up I filled a few glasses with water, making unsure steps as I delivered one to the stranger at the table. Some might say I should have charged, as such cutthroat business would ensure a profit. I would say that the day a hungover man denies aid to his fellow hangover family os the day hell has truly descended upon earth.

I fell into the familiar beat of cooking, letting my muscle memory handle the details while I focused on ignoring my suicide-inspiring headache. Without missing a beat, I plated the first round of food. I could guess I should feed me and my guest, and my little 'lings didn't need food so tea would be good for them, but I laid out three plates. I shrugged, deciding to trust my instincts and readied all three. With robotic efficiency I grabbed all the plates, placing two drinks on each before heading outside.

I saw Pupa holding her head behind the bar, and I whispered as I passed. "Grab a tea kid, welcome to the shitshow." She did so with a nod, one of my cups floating away softly. I made my way to the table, placing each plate at a chair and falling into a chair. The guest grabbed a fork, shoving a banana slice into her mouth as I took a sip of tea. It did the trick, pushing part of the headache away.

Until a cheery voice crashed through my inn with all the subtlety of a flaming jet fighter with a drunk Russian pilot. "GOOD MORNING MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS!"

I hit my head on the table in pain, shouting back from my hunched over stance. "SHUT UP YOU OVERSIZED PIGEON!"

There was a stumbled step, followed by several crashes that made me wish for the sweet embrace of death. Once the toll of the death bell finally finished I raised my head, taking another sip of tea before spearing my own banana slice. There was a blessed silence until someone ruined it with a whisper. "Oh dear, you two are pretty bad off, aren't you?"

My guest hissed at the voice, getting a familiar giggle as I turned to see Celestia, happily sitting beside the third plate. I took a small amount of pride in fixing her a plate and then flicked a banana at her. "Shush, let the miserable fight off their hangover in peace."

My guest nodded. "Verily, the humble innkeeper speaks the truth."

I let silence fall again, shoving some egg in my mouth and trying to ignore the fact everything tasted like ash. But with some of my meal gulped down, I felt up to a mild conversation. "Hangovers are the worst type of hell. Everything tastes like ash and vomit, and the only way to get better is to eat. Biology is stupid, and so is everyone here."

Celestia let out another damned giggle while my guest simply nodded. Pupa surprised me by speaking up. "I agree, why I drank something on fire last night will forever confuse me."

I coughed. "Shit! I thought I banned Wing Burn half a century ago."

Pupa groaned but managed a response. "Celestia asked for all of us to have one to celebrate her sister's return."

I blinked, before turning to my guest and looking between her and Celestia. "Celly, is that your sister?" She let out a happy nod, holding her tea like an excited kid. I nodded back, barely able to form a coherent thought. "Right, then I guess it all worked out." She nodded again, still sipping her tea through a silly straw which I didn't remember putting in her glass.

I heard the proper tones of Lord Jeffery the Fourth from the stairwell. "Right then folks, I assume we're all nursing a proper hangover?"

I nodded, pointing to Celly. "All of us except little miss sunshine over here. I formally invite everyone here to curse her out once I figure out more words."

There were various grunts of agreement as we all moved towards our food. I held out a tea for Jeff, which he took with a muffled thank you. I felt my headache lessen more as the morning dragged on, and before long the food was gone. My headache had retreated to the rear of my thoughts, allowing me the faculties to actually function. I looked around, finding Pupa leaned against the bar with an empty glass. She was shaking her head but didn't look worse for wear. Jeff was sitting in the corner smoking a pipe, a book held in his grasp as he happily sipped his tea. As weird as he is, he does seem to match the style of nobles and kings easily. I sat up, looking over my still pajama'd body. "Okay, I can now walk, probably." I turned to Celestia. "Did I give you my pipe last night?"

She shook her head. "No, I believe you told Jeff he should put it under the bar so it doesn't fly away after the second round of drinks."

I got up, the headrush letting part of my headache push past my defenses. I pushed it aside, I was a man on a mission. With a goal firmly in mind, I fought my way to the bar before gesturing at Pupa. "Hey, Pupa. Check the lockbox for my pipe." God bless that little bug, she did it quickly, passing me my walnut pipe before going back to her post while staring at her empty glass. I gestured behind me. "If you can make it, there's a spare tea on the table."

She began shuffling like a zombie, making her way to the life-giving liquid. I stumbled to Jeff. "I don't have on pants Jeff, got some stuff for my pipe?"

He made a harrumphing noise before a pouch floated from beside him. I grabbed it and began packing my pipe. "Thanks, big guy. You're good people." He made a positive hum as I stumbled to the door. "If anyone wants to join me outside for a smoke and the distant hope of fresh air helping out with the pain they are free." I pointed to Celestia. "Celly, fuck you, you cheery piece of shit."

She smiled wide, waving a wing at me before taking a dainty bite of eggs. Like I didn't see her destroy a massive meal yesterday like it was a freaking cookie. I heard a chair scoot back, but I focused on my next challenge. The door was locked and made a particularly loud noise when it was pulled. I gritted my teeth, praying to whatever absent god that somebody had fixed it since I hadn't opened in months. Thankfully it opened softly, allowing me my freedom without taking a toll from my own sanity.

With an appreciative nod to the nice door, I walked out into the hot desert air, letting the gentle sounds of wasteland soothe my aching body. A set of hooves followed me out, and in line the ancient rules of humanity I offered my pipe. There was a crack of flame, and a small ring of smoke rose from my side. I glanced down as I stuck the pipe in my mouth. It was Celly's sister, which meant it was time to get awkward. "Hey, what's your name lady?"

She sneered out at the desert. "We have forgotten that our name us lost to history. We thank you for the reminder."

I nodded. "Good that, but I still don't know what to call you." I took a heavy hit of my pipe. "I mean, it's not the first time I've woken up beside a chick I don't remember meeting, but it is the first time it been a pony. I'd hate for the future generations to hear it as that time Charles slept with a random princess."

A collection of coughs to the side brought a smile to my face before a much more energetic voice came from the mystery princess. "We did not do that! We simply retired to your room to 'turn up' as you called it."

I nodded a few times, watching dark clouds form overhead. "Sounds like me. After my first couple of drinks, life's a party. But seriously, if your half as long-lived as Celly in there I really want your name." I looked down the road, half-expecting a supply carriage. "Also, I think you get free drinks too. Don't quote me on that, but if you're in a similar position to Celestia then you get free drinks and room from here."

SHe was silent for a moment, before tapping my side. I lowered my pipe, letting her take her own hit before she spoke again. "Not that we didn't enjoy our evening last night, but why would sister-dearest choose to stay here?"

I rubbed my chin, letting my unshaved glory scratch my palm. "Hmm, no clue. She just kinda drops by every now and again. I'm sure she'll tell you some stories about it later."

There were a few plops as the rain began to fall, giving me forewarning that I would probably have an empty inn and asshole workers as my only company today. The princess cleared her throat. "We are Luna, princess of the night and mistress of the moon."

I paused, looking at her with a raised eyebrow. "So does that mean you're in charge of government prostitutes or...?" Her cheeks puffed out in annoyance and I smiled. It had been a good day, even if I would probably hate whatever surprises drunk me left last night. For now, I could just enjoy a pipe outside the inn, letting the rain talk to my new friend for me.

Author's Note

I finished this last night and my internet die. Also mobile is dumb and I deleted a comment trying to click something else. I know it's my fault, but fuck it.

Leave Her Johnny Leave Her

There are very few ways to get on my bad side. You either have to cause trouble without good reason in my inn or wake me up early. That's it, you can do pretty much anything else and I'll forgive and forget. However, if you do both... well I keep a crossbow loaded under the bar for a reason.

And on this, the day of our Lord whenever the hell it is I was awoken from my bed by a small explosion from right outside my inn. I sat up, my Pj's hanging loose while I grumbled. With curses flying from my lips I threw on a shirt and jacket, putting on proper pants and dress shoes. A full suit, because whatever woke me up was in for some serious business. I slammed open my door, and Pupa jumped out of her room. "Mr. Charles! There's a group of pirates outside!"

I glared at her, not stopping to talk as I went to the bar. First thing I grabbed was my whiskey, taking a solid swig before grabbing my crossbow with my off hand. Thusly prepared for the day, I walked outside to see what the fuss was about. I heard hoofbeats behind me, and they stopped as I opened the door to stare down the breach of a cannon. A loaded one if I didn't miss my guess. I peeked over it, seeing a score of ponies and griffons behind it, with murder in their eyes. I let out a sigh. "Anybody out there got a light?"

There were a few mutters as I pushed the bore up, pointing it towards my roof as I took another swig of whiskey. Upon finally hearing the answer as a negative I rolled my eyes. "Whatever then. Who's the head honcho of the little Mean Girls reunion tour?"

A few more murmurs, these much angrier than before. Finally, a pony with perhaps the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen walked up. "Avast, ye be under assault by the pirates 'o the Sunken Dandy. Surrender your goods and ye shall live another day!"

I looked him over. He was probably an Earth pony with how stocky he was. His hat was distracting though. He came up to maybe my waist, but that hat easily reached eye-level. Feathers and stones littered the tower of overcompensation and I couldn't make myself look away. He spoke up again, this time impatience cutting through his sea-dog accent. "Be ye deaf strange ape? I am the great captain Tallhat, and ye shall deliver your goods before we sack yer inn and do it ourselves."

I could have done many things here., I could have used my silver tongue to try and smooth-talk my way out, or maybe I could have just given them my stuff. Instead, raised my arm, smashing my whiskey bottle over the pirates head with enough force to shatter the bottle. As the captain sank to the ground I stood tall, remembering an old song and paraphrasing it to fit the occasion. "LISTEN UP YE MEN OF STUPIDITY!" The area fell silent, blowing sand the only thing brave enough to be heard as I walked forward. "You've made three mistakes coming to the Inn at the End of Equestria."

I walked to the corner, seeing a ship moored a little distance away, rowboats sunk into the beach's sand only a few meters south. I tossed the broken bottle to the side and raised a lone finger. "The first was barging around uninvited and waking me up. Such a crime normally results in banishment." I cocked back the crossbow and gestured for the terrified Pupa to walk up to me. "The second was badmouthing me in front of my employee's, such a breach of honor only forgivable after a sound beating."

I cocked back the crossbow, grabbing a long bolt from the built-in quiver. "Light the tip dear, don't be shy." With a crack, the arrow lit aflame, and I took a knee as the pirates stared in horror. "The final error was leaving your ship alone and unguarded. Nobody to keep an eye out for brigands and pirates." I let out a breath and pulled the lever. With a twang, the arrow lept from it's home. The pirate's heads all watched the arc as it embedded itself into the body of the ship, and a small fire began burning. I stood up. "So if I were you, I'd go put that out. And never come back."

They ran off, leaving their captain unconscious in the sand. I watched as the pushed the rowboats out, their frenzied movements sending them seaward. Pupa looked at me. "Er, Mr.Charles? I think they'll come back once they put out their ship."

I nodded, walking back to the inn. "Ah, but if they have no ship they can hardly escape when they do so. Especially if some of them are to water-logged to put u a fight." She looked at me in confusion as I began belting out a shanty. "I thought I heard the old man say, leave her Johnny leave her..." As Pupa's gaze fell to my destination she let out a giggle. With a smile I pulled the cannon out of my doorway, spinning it around and rolling it about to face the pirate ship.

We watched in companionable silence as the rowboats reached their ocean home, and then watched some more as the battled the fire which had grown since their hasty departure. "That'll do it, gimme a sec to aim this thing." I began adjusting the barrel, using complex math and physics to find the perfect angle. "How the fuck do you aim this thing anyway? Fuck it, we're putting the barrel over the sails and saying a prayer. Pupa, light this sucker up!"

With a smile, she lit the fuse, and I watched in anticipation as the cannon let out its furious cry. I swear you could see the ball in midair as it spiraled gracefully in flight. I had apparently aimed low, and the cannonball did not hit the sails as I wanted, instead crashing into the bottom of the hull. It turns out, this was better. Water poured in from the gaping hole, and I thought I could hear the beautiful freakout of the pirates as their ship quickly descended to Davy Jones Locker. I rolled my shoulders, moving back inside. "Pupa, man the bar. I'm going back to sleep."

Pupa looked at the sinking ship. "Okay, what about the captain?"

I stepped over him, grabbing his hat on the way. "I don't care, if he wakes up tell him it's ten bits to stay the night."

Pupa walked in behind me, shutting the door as I made my way upstairs. "Er, sir? Isn't the going rate five bits for a night and a meal?"

I nodded. "Yep, tell him meals aren't included, and if he wakes me up I'm slapping him with a raw fish until seagulls chase him every time he goes to a port." I went upstairs, banging on Jeffery's door as I passed. As I made my to bed I glanced at a calender. "Why does this shit always happen on tuesdays?"

Author's Note

The song is This means war by professor elemental if you're curious.

Dancing Fool

Humdrum days were what I lived for. With all the insanity that seemed to flow from Equestria, I had found an unparalleled sense of enjoyment from a day of basic drudgery. So I was in a great mood as I closed up an empty inn at the end of the day. Pupa had gone on a sabbatical to the nearest town for a few days, deciding to pester whatever merchants and entertainers were in the local area. Of course, that was a few days ago, so she could be back whenever. That meant it was me and Jeffery rolling deep as the bachelor gang. Or it would have been if Jeffery wasn't such a damn gentleman.

"I'm simply stating the facts, sir. If we were to hire such baseless entertainment I would excuse myself for whatever classless cess-pit of a party you were planning and retire for the evening." He was smoking his pipe, flipping through a newspaper while sitting at the bar.

I was sitting in The King's Corner, toying with my fiddle in the stupor of simple boredom a happily useless day brings. "C'mon man, I've been here ages and never seen a pony stripper. I think it's a requirement at this point!"

Jeffery sighed, flicking the paper to a new page. "Sir, if you were required to pay mares to strip it is only because you lack the skill and grace to get them to do so willingly to mutual enjoyment."

I glared at him, plucking the strings to make a menacing tune. "Be careful what you say Jeffery, or else I will try to charm the pants off of whatever female species comes through those doors next," I put my fiddle down, propping my chair back and resting my legs on the table. "And I will do it with more grace and gentleman-ly charm that you can muster on your best day."

Jeffery scoffed. "Of course you will sir. I shudder to think of what cruel pure power would come from your rendition of the pony pokey. I'm sure females of all species would find themselves short of breath at your; oh what do the kids these days say? Ah, your 'moves'."

I let out a grumpy grunt. I could dance. It was one of those things you learn with the burden of free time and a lack of care for your grades. In fact, I worked as a dance instructor for ballroom dance for three years! Of course, if you asked me to club dance I would look foolish, but that's beside the point.

The door opened, and salvation showed its face. Salvation showed its face in the form of a grumpy changeling stomping into the bar with a scowl. I jumped up as soon as I saw her. "Pupa, just the girl I was looking for! C'mere."

She turned her scowl to me, but luckily I didn't care. I just gestured her closer, smiling wide. She began stomping towards me. "WHAT!? I just had a god-awful trip and-"

I cut her off by standing her up. "You know how to dance Pupa?" I grabbed her fetlock, hooking one arm around her waist. "Because Jeffry said I couldn't dance, and I need to prove him wrong."

She stared at me in shock, before a slow nodded seemed to roll from her neck. Jeffrey got up. "Oh, now this I would like to see. One moment sir, I'm quite sure I have a record player upstairs."

I began running through the basic steps, Pupa stumbling along. "You sure you remember how to dance Pupa, I'm not sure if changelings can dance in a bipedal stance." I raised my head slightly, clicking my tongue as I thought. "Probably should have asked that earlier honestly."

Pupa stumbled, before straightening up. She quickly began to match my steps, keeping up as I transitioned from a basic box step to a full tango. "Of course I can dance like a biped! I would hardly be a worthy changeling if I couldn't fit in at a foreign ball!"

I shrugged, speeding up the temp a bit. "Alright, then follow my lead and, y'know, don't fall or anything." I took a quick two-step, shuffling sideways so I could see the stairwell as jeffrey descended. His music player was new by Equestrian standards. I still didn't know whether to be proud of species for the advent of mp3's, or embarresed that ponies were so slow with technology.

Jeffrey set it up quickly, before spinning it up. "Well then old chap. If you can dance to this I shall officially withdraw my mockery of your dance skills."

I smiled. "Drop it, Jeff. I'll show you how my people dance." With a smug grin, he dropped the needle, and I smiled. The number of parallels I had run into from my world and here was frankly astounding, so I was less surprised than one might think as a familiar beat began sliding out of the old speaker.

I would bet money that somewhere there was a pony with the unfortunate name of Flank Sinatra. I started up a simple foxtrot, letting myself take a moment to meld with the beat. I started a zigzag, moving across the open floor with all the grace my ancient memories allowed, doing a cross or two with Pupa to keep myself up to speed. Once I felt comfortable I moved to a basic box step, instantly throwing it into a promenade for some added style.

I had forgotten how much I liked dancing. I could ignore the fact that roughly ninety percent of my background was done with old ladies, and just let the music have its strange and mildly alluring way with me. I know that sounded strangely sexual, and it was intentional. Music was romance, and in my juvenile mind romance was sex, just drawn out and not always as physical. I guess it could just mean love, between friends, or anything else.

I mused on that while switching from my familiar foxtrot to a six-count swing. Was it a perfect fit for the song? Probably not. Did I enjoy it? Yes. As the song dialed down I led Pupa into a spin. On the final beat she stumbled, slipping backward towards the hardwood floor. I caught her, turning her fall into a dip. She looked up at me as I smiled. "Out of practice Pupa?"

Her face turned a little greener, giving me pause. Did changelings get sick? Were they literally color coded if they got nauseous. You would think I would have noticed having almost exclusive changeling employee's for a while, but they were mostly just houseguests at this point, and I don't babysit them. If one of them says they aren't working, whether sick or just tired I didn't really care. I touched at her forehead. "You sick Pupa? You're looking a little green under the gills."

She stumbled over her words. "I-I Y-you..." She let out a breath. "I thought I'd fall."

I stood her back up, making sure she was steady before letting her go. "Silly Pupa, I'd never let you fall. Couldn't stand seeing you hurt. Especially when you helped me shove Jeffry's smug nature up his snout sideways."

She muttered a bit before bolting upstairs. I raised an eyebrow as she left. Jeffry walked up a moment later, his pipe held between his teeth. "Well sir, you did show me. I'm now in the awkward position of having to apologise for both the offenses I laid at your feet."

I nodded, looking at the stairs. "Yeah, suck it Jeff. I'm gonna make sure she's okay." I began walking up the stairs. "And, tell me if you get sick Jeff, I think I know less about Changelings than I thought."

As I ascended to the rooms I heard him chuckle. "Believe me sir, there is much you don't know. Your treatment of Pupa shows that as clearly as that exotic nose on your face."

Author's Note

Light Fluff for Valentines and only three hours late. Deuces.

Time Traveling Pony Interrupts Poker

Cleaning dishes was something close to my religion at this point. The sink was my altar, the water my communion. I paused. "Wait, no. I don't drink the dirty dishwater..." I tried to think of another job for the dirty water, but baptism was out for obvious reasons. "Incense? It does have a bit of an odor." I nodded. Yes, the water my incense. With that in mind, I could continue my monologue.

Only I couldn't, my thoughts had been derailed. I tossed the last plate into the sink, groaning in annoyance. I moved to the front, clear of all customers with Pupa and Jeffrey playing a game of cards. I sat at their table, tapping it twice as I scooted onto a chair. "Deal me in next hand."

Jeffry nodded as he looked at his two cards. "Fair enough sir. We're playing five card draw, do you know the game?"

I smiled. "Yeah, I may be familiar with it." I decided not to mention I had introduced the game to Equestria forever and a half ago. I watched the round unfold as Pupa focused on her cards. It appeared neither of them practiced my normal strategy for friendly games, which just meant more fool them. I watched Pupa fold with a grumble, and the small stack of bits in the center of the table were shuffled to Jeffreys loving arms. "Now sir, should we go easy on you? Or would you prefer to be thrown to the sharks as it were?"

I paused, an evil plan forming in my mind. "Yeah, take it a bit easy, I have to shake the rust off." Cards flew across the table, with my hand neatly in front of me. I picked up the hand, barely paying attention to the cards. "So, how's the day been up here?"

Pupa looked over her cards, before answering with a slight hint of annoyance. "Quiet, there was a small storm outside, but that was probably just some rogue weather."

I nodded, looking to Jeffry. "Anything happen with you today old bean?"

He scoffed, throwing a small bet into the pot. "Of course dear sir. I completed my latest project, as well as wrote another portion of my memoirs."

I listened to his voice, which was just as calm as normal. I matched his bet, sparing a glance at my cards. Pair of aces, useful but not an assured win. Pupa matched the bet, but I had already seen her tell. She was annoyed when she spoke, but from the split of bits on the table she wasn't losing enough to get that frustrated. She had a bad hand. She looked over the table. "I didn't expect you to talk Mr. Charles, most creatures focus when playing poker."

I shrugged as Jeffry threw each of us another card, then started the next round of betting with a check. "That's boring. I'd prefer to lose money talking over being bored the whole game." I looked to Jeffry, who was shooting an occasional glance at his cards. I hedged my bet, throwing a few bits onto the table.

Jeffry nodded. "Understandable chap, though I much prefer leaving with heavier pockets than not." Pupa tossed a few extra bits on the table, and I grinned at Jeffry as he folded. I was ready to milk Pupa for as many bits as possible, grabbing a small measure of bits in my hand.

A crack of lightning ruined my play, singing the wooden floor as it seemed to crash through the building. I dropped my hand as I watched the only physical proof of a magical lightning strike rose in the center of my inn. A pony, wearing a fancy vest glowing a soft gold. Shapes stitched into his clothing that hurt my eyes, and I would swear they somehow measured up to something more than three-hundred-and-sixty degrees. I blinked it off, shaking my head to confirm it was really there.

Opening my eyes showed that he was, in fact, there. I stood up roughly, sighing and walking behind the bar. "Come on in, booze and food if you want it."

The pony stood up, staring about in a confused manner. "Ah, yes! Food is necessary. I require seventeen pounds of bananas and a glass of tea!" I stared as he trotted to a table in the corner before he paused. "Wait, I want the tea first. Seventeen pounds of bananas would be hard to eat without tea."

I pointed to Jeffry and he disappeared in the kitchen to brew tea. I meanwhile flipped open my inventory book. I opened it to the plant section and looked over it. "Sorry sir, we only have fourteen pounds of bananas. Would you like the lot?"

He nodded. "Yes, of course. I'm tracking prey that I hypothesize will be highly attracted to bananas. I need as many as possible."

I shrugged. "Alright, it'll be thirty bits. Would you like to pay now or after?"

He reached into his vest, pulling out a book and a pouch. With a flick of his hoof, he tossed the pouch towards me. I caught it and counted out thirty coins. I placed the pouch beside him and began moving to the back, packing up my entire stock of bananas in a small sack. Pupa walked in after me. "Are we really just serving him?"

I nodded. "Yep, no point in kicking him out."

Pupa looked at me as banana after banana disappeared into the sack. "And the fact he's buying our entire stock of bananas?"

I shrugged again. "Once sold three barstools to a dude since a caravan was due the next day. We're getting a fresh shipment in a little while so we won't be out long." I grabbed another banana and tossed it in the sack, reaching in again to find the pantry bereft of potassium. "So, we serve him and let him chase whatever insanity he's after."

Jeffry made a scoff. "Indeed, you are still new here Pupa. The strange and bizarre is another day at the office for us."

I held my hand out to Jeffry. "See! If I refused to serve the weird things that wandered into my bar I would go bankrupt within a month." I gestured to Jeffry with a finger, following him as he brought a pitcher of tea and a teacup to the eating area. I moved the bananas besides the pony. "Well sir, here's all our bananas, and some tea. Just ask if you need anything."

He nodded slightly, finally turning to look at me. He froze as he saw me before a hoof dived into the bag and pulled out a banana. "Want a banana? I have plenty here," He began softly clicking his teeth as I stared. I looked to Jeffry and Pupa, who were hiding laughs behind their hooves. Unfortunately, with the holes, it didn't really work. Then he said the one phrase that cinched the deal. "I have plenty more at my lab, and trees to play on too!"

I lowered my eyelids, slapping my head. "Hell no, I'm not dealing with this." I ran my hand down my face, letting it fall loosely to my side. "I'm not going to your lab you strange, strange little pony." I turned back to my bar. "Just, eat your food dude."

I moved to the bar, and the pony stood up to follow me. "But... but... you're a strange creature! I have to study you! You have a temporal lock around your inn and this is the only time I can secure you for study!"

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Look, guy, I own this inn. You're a guest right now, but I can kick you out. So either eat your food or in the holy language of my people GTFO."

He opened his mouth, before bringing his journal out again, writing down a variety of notes before snapping it shut. "What if I said I could offer you an adventure through space and time?"

I snorted. "What, gonna fit me in your coat pockets? No thanks, I'll run my inn thank you very much."

He stepped back as if I slapped him with the pimp hand of justice. "This is no coat, sir!" This is the Variable Embarkation of Space and Time vest!"

I paused, trying to figure out if what I just heard was as stupid as I thought. He began jabbering on with gestures and pointing hooves, but my question was much simpler. "Is it a vest vest?"

He paused. "Well, I suppose if you must use such a simple acronym then yes. But see it's really much more of a-"

I reached over the bar, holding his mouth shut with my hand. "no, just leave. I have no time for a time-traveler wearing his vest vest. Just get your pony pony butt out of here and don't come come back." I turned to the stairs. "Jeffry, man the front. I'm going to go drink until I forget today happened."

Pupa giggled. "Would you like me to bring you a banana?"

Author's Note

I have a discord if anyone is interested. https://discord.gg/TEMFc2K I keep my discord on so if you wanna chat or whatever, then go ahead.

Old Tom's House

I was stuck staring at my bar. God had abandoned me and took my best drinks with him. Namely my favorite mead, which I refused to serve to any customers. Mostly because the only way to get more was the most time-consuming process known to man, and ninety percent of it was just travel time. I looked up, watching Pupa clean a table. I debated whether or not to leave before a lone speck of dust flew out of my cabinet. Nope, I was not going to put off my all important booze run for no reason. I began walking to the stairwell. "Pupa, hold the bar. I'm running to my room real quick."

I went up the steps two at a time, heading to my room to ready myself for my trip. I had a bag packed, everything but food and water I would need for a long trek through the desert. Hoisting it up I grabbed a small necklace and tapped it a few times, triggering a small song to play from deep inside the metal jewelry while it glowed softly. I bobbed my head to it for a moment until a solid click sounded. A voice came from the necklace. "Hello hello hello, this is Tom! Purveyor of the strange, magical, strange, rare, and weird!"

I smiled. "Hello, Tom, Charles here. Was wondering if you had any of my special mead in stock."

There was silence for a moment. "Yes yes yes! I have a few casks and a wagon you can have! Just come on over whenever you want. But the magic pixies are here, so bring a guest, or else they'll kidnap you for a few years and make you play silly games."

I paused, trying to figure out what in the hell he meant. "A-are you serious Tom?"

There was mad laughter from the other end of the line. "Ohohoh, come here alone and you'll find out! But I must go, there's a bear wandering around my foyer and I doubt he'll leave without a fine bribe of honey and a pixie stick."

There was a click from the other end of the line, and the necklace ceased its glowing. I threw it over my neck, putting my bag on my back. With my only preparations done, I made my way back downstairs. Pupa was behind the bar, wiping down the counter despite the fact it was fully cleaned. I looked to her before deciding she won the vaunted position as my first traveling companion by being the one who was readily visible when I walked downstairs. "Hey Pupa I gotta go on a long-ass trip, I need a bosom companion. Wanna join in?"

Her face went slightly green, and I worried for a moment whatever sickness got ahold of her while she had gone on a trip was rearing its ugly head. Much to my relief, it died down quickly. "Er, where would we be going?"

I began packing my fiddle in its case, taking more care with it than I normally give my belongings. "Oh y'know. Gotta head to the enchanted forest grove in the middle of the desert in order to get my best booze. Need somebody with me to make sure I don't get kidnapped by magic pixies."

Pupa stared at me. "A-are you serious?"

I closed the latch on the fiddle-case, picking it up. "Maybe. Whenever Old Tom says anything you have to take it with a grain of salt. On the other hand, I totally believe he has magical pixies there, so better safe than sorry."

I heard a voice call from the kitchen. "Forgive me sir, but did you say magical pixies?"

I saw Jeffery's head poke out from the service window, a cloth n his telekinetic grasp. "Yep, going to Tom's house is always an ordeal. Anyways you wanna tag along Pupa?"

She slowly nodded, speaking as I threw on a pair of gloves. "Sure? How long is this gonna take?"

I shrugged, grabbing a walking stick from beside the door. "Well, normally getting their takes about a week. So assuming Tom doesn't chase us out as soon as we get there, then we should stay a couple days. Give some extra time for travel and we'll call it three weeks."

Pupa nodded, walking out from behind the counter. "Alright, I'm game. Who's gonna watch the bar."

I gave her a deadpan stare. "Jeffry, you dead?" He shook his head and I let out an affirmative grunt. "Cool, you watch the bar. Don't die." His head was still hanging out the window, and he gave me a curt nod. I turned to the door, shuffling my shoulders so the bag would fit comfortably. "Alright, let's go, Pupa. I got booze to get." I put a simple wrap around my head as I walked out, ready for the desert heat.

***

I'm not going to write about desert travel in depth. I can summarize it much easily with two words. Hot misery. I baked under the sun that Pupa seemed immune to because she has an exoskeleton made of cheating. Also, I got to become even more intimately familiar with sand. It wormed its way into several areas where chafing was not supposed to happen, and I'm pretty certain I was sterilized by the grains that decided my pants were a good place to roost. However, it was worth it if only for Pupa's reaction to the magic glade.

Woods sprouting in the middle of the desert, trees, and grass running against sand with floating lights creating a path to follow. Pupa let out a small gasp, her eyes going wide as her mouth hung open. I smiled, remembering my first stint in the desert where I wandered here. I couldn't blame her when my reaction was so similar. I patted her head, rubbing the hair-like membrane on her neck. "Come on, Tom's waiting on us. Stay by me."

I began walking into the woods and smiled at the hurried hoofsteps behind me as Pupa fought to keep up. The forest itself was beautiful, as always. Trees in vibrant health, with spirits and creatures of magical origin flitting about the floor. Will 'o wisps floating off the path, hoping to confuse passing travelers. I saw a snake with legs wander about, whispering dark deeds as it moved. Such creatures that in a past life I had been sure were fantasy all crossing my vision. I remembered a small quote that I found fitting. "There are more things on heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in my philosophy."

Pupa paused, looking me over with a questioning stare. "That sounds... deeper than your normal trite."

The statement poorly hid a question, and one I was more than happy to answer as we made our way through the enchanted realm of Tom's little realm. "I know lots of things, and this place reminds me of that." I pointed to a disgusting creature lounging in a pool of water. It looked almost like a pony, only without skin. A hunched semi-human figure sprouting from its back. "Like that. Where I come it's called a Nuckalavee and is a terrifying creature said to be made-up." I watched as it softly nuzzled a bird resting on a twig. "I never would have dreamed of seeing one, and yet..."

Pupa remained silent as we walked up to a large cottage seated in a clearing. I saw a familiar sight. I poked Pupa in the side. "And there, that's the Pixiu." I enjoyed watching the Pixiu. At a glance, you could mistake it for a male lion, but a closer look betrayed its magical nature. The mane was not simply gold-colored, but flowing gold surrounding its neck that let out the soft sound of clinking metal as it walked. And then there were its wings. Made of fire and hugging its body it looked like a sculpture of the highest quality and were it not happily chasing a hanging bell I might think it was one.

I clicked my tongue and walked up to it, letting Pupa hide behind me as the Pixiu turned to look at me. He let out a happy purr, charging at me with his tongue out like a dog. With a frightened yell Pupa ran to the side as I was tackled into the dirt. I began laughing as I felt soft gold rub against my chest as my whole body vibrated with the beasts purrs. I began rubbing his snout. "Hey, boy? It's been a little while, huh?"

He gave me a lick, with his sandpaper tongue leaving a red mark on my face before he rolled off of me, revealing his belly before giving me a mournful look. I shook my head. "Well Pupa, if you're scared of the fuzzball here than give him a belly rub. It's guaranteed to make him like you." I squatted low running a gloved hand over his stomach. It only took a few seconds before a chitinous hoof joined me. I let the soft vibrations of a happy kitty shake my hand for a moment before the hoof paused over my hand. I raised an eyebrow at it before patting Pupa's hoof a couple times.

She made a few frantic breaths as I rose, and I patted her head again. "Calm down girl, he probably won't eat you. C'mon, we gotta go visit Tom." Hoping that put Pupa's fear to the side, I walked through the wooden door into Tom's house.

Tom's house looked about how you would imagine if you thought of Tom as a schizophrenic hallucination of madnees, which I'm pretty sure he was. There was a small lake in the exact middle of the foyer, with a stairwell leading up and two rooms branching off to the sides. There was a mix of different styles winding through the house. Corinthian columns, Egyptian Hieroglyphs, and Norse runes decorating the room. Tom himself was ducking his head into the water, his black fur rustling softly as he shuffled in place. I walked up. "Tom, you got your head on?"

Tom bolted up, jumping out of the water. He looked between me and Pupa for a moment, before smiling wide. "Oh, Hello hello hello! It's so nice to see you, Charles! Did the pixies give you any trouble?"

I shook my head, walking up and sticking a fist out. "Nah, didn't even see them. Ran into the Nuckalavee though. She seems to be doing well."

Tom reached out with his hoof, tapping my fist lightly. "Of course course course. She froze the exit to my little lake though, so the Ogopogo is stuck under my house. I was trying to bring it up for a chat. But it was to busy sulking."

With pleasantries done, I grabbed my fiddle case from my back. "Well then, I assume the price is the same as normal?"

Tom sat down on the ground. "Yes yes yes, one song I can sing to. Let me just get ready." He reached over to a nearby chair before pulling it towards him. The noise attracted Pupa's attention, where she was previously inspecting an old Aztec-looking engraving on the wall. Which meant it was no surprise when she screamed as Tom pulled off his head and placed it on the chair facing me. He stamped his hoof. "Hey hey hey, calm down strange bug-pony! Me and Charles are about to play!"

Pupa's scream strangled off as she stared in horror at the dismembered head talking to her as the hole in his neck emitted a smokeless flame. "Charles?" Pupa's voice was very quiet, almost a whisper. "Is this normal?"

I began opening my fiddle case, getting ready for my show. "Just about, normally he has a special stand, but I guess he didn't bring it out."

Tom's head bounced up and down in place. "NO! The mean little pixies stole it because I wouldn't let them trim Pixiu. His mane is far too beautiful to take something as bland as scissors to."

I nodded in agreement as I raised my bow. "Yeah, Pixies sound like bitches. So, sad or happy today Tom?"

Tom paused for a moment. "Let's do sad, maybe that will get grumpy-pants down there to come back up."

I nodded, plucking a few strings. "Alright then, I'll lead us in. I'll give you the first few words, but I expect you to sing most of it." I ran the bow across the strings, letting a mournful wail sound from my fiddle. "O' Death."

***

I smiled as I approached the end. With my song rousing the Ogopogo, we had been forced to make a hasty retreat. Pupa apparently was less pleased with meeting a giant predator when it was easily within biting distance. Since then she had decided I was apparently the only safe haven in both the glade and the desert, not leaving my side. At this point, I think her ribs might have fused to my hips.

I walked through the inn doors and Jeffry looked over the bar. The soft dark of night backlit me and Pupa beautifully I thought, though this was ruined by the soft chuckle from Jeffry that prompted Pupa to sprint her way upstairs. I watched as she sprinted upstairs. Jeffry looked after her before turning to me. "So sir did anything happen out of the ordinary."

I scratched my chin, thinking over my trip as I looked at the wagon parked beside the inn. "Nah," I said, grabbing a bottle and moving inside. "Pretty normal for a trip to Tom's."

Author's Note

Okay, so two notes. One is what in the hell in a Nuckalavee. Well I have a picture. And of course, source. http://nathanandersonart.tumblr.com/post/116790728029/name-nuckelavee-nuckalavee-area-or-origin

Two, I know Oh death in this song is sung by a girl, but I couldn't find one that had both fiddle, and sung by a dude. That I liked anyways.

Whoever gets the reference and links it gets bonus points

Ignoring a Royal Summon

There are few things that make me truly paranoid. A full inn was at the top of the list. I could count the times my inn had been full on one hand. It was three. Each one had been an awful experience of crawls, drunkards, and in one case a lost unicorn turning three of my tables into gardening equipment. I took me a year to find suitable replacements. I decided to fight my paranoia by doing what I do best, serving my customers and ignoring any possible issues. So there I sat, carrying a tray of food to a table while blatantly ignoring the fact I had a full inn. With a plate delivered and seated in front of a pony who was quickly approaching drunk I skittered behind the counter.

I looked over the floor, smiling at the temporary reprieve. I grabbed a glass of water and let the cool liquid pour down my throat. Mana of the gods, I tell you. My brief moment of freedom was quickly dashed by three solid knocks on my front door. I stared at it in abject horror. In my experience, anyone dumb enough to knock on an inn door either had business or wanted trouble. With a full inn, they were sadly interchangeable. I watched in fear as a single drunk patron stumbled up to the door, opening it with a wide smile. "HELLO, WELCOME TO THE PARTY!" With his piece said, the drunkard fell to his side, collapsing on my floor.

This set of events seemed to cause no small amount of chagrin to the very fancily dressed guard sitting outside my room. He looked disgusted at the frankly common occurrence of drunken debauchery that greeted him to my little slice of heaven. I raised an eyebrow as he slowly stepped over the unfortunate pony. He cleared his throat a few times before pulling out a large scroll of paper. I grimaced at this and muttered my thoughts. "Business, it's always business."

With another batch of stuck-up throat clearing my cooks peeked out from the back. Seeing all eyes on him, the guard began speaking. "Hear ye hear ye, on this, the most glorious night of joy as decreed by our gracious princess, the creature known as Charles Russo is to have a full invitation to the Grand Galloping Gala. If he is present he may present himself in proper attire and be teleported to the party post-haste." He looked around expectantly before a griffin who frequented the bar began laughing.

It was slow, but almost every guest who came to this bar every now and again began slowly laughing. The guard began to turn from an apathetic, practiced, gaze to one of outrage. At least until the griffin spoke up. "Hey Charles, think the Wiseman of the brown bottle is gonna enjoy being at the stuffiest party of the year?"

I smiled. "Oh yeah, how fast do you think I'd get kicked out?" I pulled out a mead from my special stash, popping the cap and taking a swig of the heavenly brew. "My guess is right about when I call Celestia an old horse."

The bar erupted into laughter, and I waved at my audience as the guard looked outraged. before the laughter faded he stood tall. "HOW DARE YOU!! THE PRINCESS DESERVES YOUR RESPECT AND AWE, NOT THIS ANTAGONISTIC ATTITUDE THAT SUCH LOW-BORN TRASH FIND HUMOUROUS!"

I shrugged, letting the laughs grow for a moment before signaling a halt. "Listen, guy, you're obviously new..." I paused, trying to remember the last time I was invited to the gala. "Especially since I told Celly last time I wasn't going to a gala unless she thought it would be hilarious. And since she sent the stick in the mud I'm assuming it's going to be bad and she wants me there as the entertainment." I walked around the bar if only to see the pony easier. "So no, I won't go. Instead, I will stay amongst my unwashed masses and serve booze. As I have for years."

I heard an angry shout from my right. "Hey, I'm washed! I took a bath this morning!"

I rolled my eyes. "Friend, everyone in this bar smells like booze and broken dreams. I know this because I also smell like booze and broken dreams. I can sniff out my own kind like a bloodhound."

There were a few murmured agreements before the guard spoke up. "NO! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR SLANDER AGAINST THE HIGH PRINCESS!" He pointed to me dramatically, as if the bar would support him. The silence seemed to be good enough though, as he smirked underneath his stupid helmet.

I took another sip of my drink. "Hey Jeffry, we have the stock for the secret Russo family technique?"

There was a small amount of shuffling from the back before Jeffry's cultured voice rolled from the window. "Ah, of course, sir. Give me a moment." The silence was broken by hoofbeats as Jeffry walked from the back, moving behind the bar with quiet elegance. As soon as he was ready he nodded. "Whenever you're ready sir."

I flexed my muscles, posing dramatically. "Behold pony, you are about to see the secret technique, passed from father to son through my family line for generations." I struck another pose as my customers stared before I shouted. "FREE ROUND OF DRINKS ON THE HOUSE!" Each of my lovely customers began a mad charge for the bar, surrounding me and the guard in bodies. I lept over the crowd, sprinting to the door. "RUN AWAY!!"

I ran from the front door to the cellar, ducking into the room before bolting the door behind me. I let out a few rushed breaths as I went into the small hidden room between two barrels of booze. Sitting at the small table I pulled out the book on the table and began reading. I figured the guard would leave in an hour or two, so I got a break out of this.

***

Celestia looked over the guard who hadn't managed to secure Charles as a guest this year for the Gala. She read over his report again, resisting the urge to smile. "So you say he used a secret technique to cause a stampede, and then bolted from the inn into the desert?"

The guard nodded stiffly. "Yes, your highness. With your say, I will return post-haste and arrest the cretin."

Celestia let out a small giggle, causing the guard to adopt a confused expression. After a moment she shook her head. "That won't be necessary. Honestly, I was hoping he'd come, but this is about what I was expecting. I can hardly expect him to drop everything at such short notice. Return to your station, you did well."

Author's Note

I have a discord. Its on my profile. I'll Link it here when I'm not phone posting.

Chaotic Birthdays

Today was a holy day. One to be retold in the ancient tomes of the inn that I totally didn't write myself. Today was an employee birthday. Normally such days were marked with a small party and a simple gift, but Pupa had chosen the most foolish action she could. Not warning me ahead of time. She had refrained from mentioning it until complaining about a large mass of travelers passed in. Thus my holy crusade began. A chalkboard and tape changed the king's corner to the Queen's Corner. A chair from my room and a hack-job in upholstery gave her a throne to match the corner, and some free drinks turned the entire inn into a large party. everything was perfect. From Jeffery hosting a large card game, to Pupa glaring daggers at me as I drank whiskey straight from the bottle with a smile on my face.

I spun around the room with a smile on my face, dancing to a lively tune a merchant was playing on a guitar. A random minotaur lady joined my impromptu dance, spinning and laughing alongside me before grabbing the whiskey from my grip and leaving with a smile on her lips. I didn't let it faze me if the worst thing to happen at this party was some stolen drinks then it was going to be a huge disappointment. I twirled my way over to the birthday girl, my happy buzz guiding my stumbling steps. I stopped in front of her. "And now, we reach my endgame. You stand charged with the crime of not forewarning me of your birthday. How do you plead?" Pupa stared at me in confusion. Her mouth opened to speak, but I cut her off. "Of course, guilty. Choosing the honorable way." I raised a hand and placed it on her shoulder. "I shall take this under consideration during your sentencing."

Pupa's eyes widened. "Sentencing? What would the punishment possibly be for not telling everyling my freakin' birthday?"

I leaned forward. "I'm glad you asked my fine chitin'ed friend. Your sentencing is thus. You shall tell me your heart's desire for a birthday gift. Upon sharing with me this great secret, I shall upend the heaven and the earth to bring it unto you." I raised a hand to the air. "Was it not the great Thomas Jefferson, one of the founders of freedom, who said that honesty is the first chapter of wisdom?!" I raised my other hand as if signaling to God above my words were holy writ. "While I make no claim to have the book of wisdom, I remain true to the first chapter. So tell me desire, and if I have to call the princess herself, it will be delivered unto you like divine salvation!" I clenched my fists to my chest, finishing my acting scene to scattered applause from several of my drunker customers.

Pupa's face had a green tint, but after a moment she opened her mouth to answer. "W-well, if it's anythi-"

She was cut off by a loud pop sounding off above a table. She stared at it with an open mouth as I turned, and saw something strange. Even by my standards. A mismatched creature, floating in the air above my table. He was looking around as if searching for something, but I was more confused by his appearance. I saw a bit of snake, dragon, goat, deer, and nightmare all making up his body like a blender had gone haywire in a petting zoo from hell. I stared as his eyes fell on me, and he perked up. "Ah, you must be who I'm looking for. Tell me, have you ever heard of the creature named Strife?"

I stared at him a moment longer before my fine instinct for survival kicked in. I slowly turned around, walking to the bar and pulling out another bottle. I took a sip, letting the flavor rest in my mouth as the creature looked at me with a quirked head. He looked around the bar. "Can this thing hear? Or is it some strange pet of the owners?" He snapped his finger, and I began glowing like a Christmas tree.

I took another sip of whiskey. Because when weird shit happens it's better to be drunk than sober. As I lowered the bottle I confronted the problem as my centuries of experience allowed. "Questions are free, info comes with drinks."

The creature raised its eyebrows. "Are you serious? Do you know who I am?" He gestured to the creatures in my bar. The drunk ones had begun to party even harder, while the sober ones had all started to glare at their drinks. Pupa was sniffing hers. The creature turned it's eyes to me with a crestfallen expression. "Apparently they don't care who I am..."

I shrugged. "Well, you just crashed a birthday party. By the laws of man, I must say a quick phrase to you." I cleared my throat. "Fuck you." I smiled wide. "With that done, it's two bits for a drink of your choice. Three bits if you want to join the party and get four free drinks."

The creature raised a paw, counting on fingers that appeared in order. By the end, his paw had somewhere around twenty digits. "That's a huge discount."

I shrugged. "It's a party. Everything else got it free, but crashing parties comes with a cost." The creature shrugged, and with another snap of his fingers, three bits appeared on my counter. I nodded and scooped them up. "And with that, you get your info. Never heard of Strife, unless you mean the emotion." I bent under the bar. "What's your poison?"

One of the creature's ears twitched. "One moment, something happening." He snapped again, disappearing with a flash of confetti. I watched dumbfounded and nodded. I took another sip of whiskey. This was one of those days. Right about the time I decided to return to Pupa, the creature appeared again. "Sorry about that, had to see a pony about a necklace and a boulder." He leaned forward into the bar. "Ugh, ponies can be such a bore." He waved his hand. "Whatever you think would fit a sad immortal.

Instantly my thoughts turned to wing burn. Just as instantly I shut them down, and instead grabbed twin shot glasses and a bottle of bourbon. I poured both and grabbed one for myself. "I find the medicine for an immortal of any sort is company and hard liquor, what's on your mind?"

The creature sighed, before slinging back the shot. "Well, you see..." His ear twitched again. "One moment." He disappeared again, this time a full strawberry cake replacing him on the seat. I leaned over the table and grabbed it, placing it on the counter for later. Sure enough, he returned. "Sorry about that." He straightened himself out a bit, floating above the seat. "My name's Discord and the only other of my kind I knew of is missing." He let out a breath, blowing sparkling glitter over my bar. I took a sip of bourbon and refilled his glass.

He gave me a thankful nod. "The last place I could find a hint of his power is here, and all I find is a strange monkey and a birthday party. While that would be exactly where I would be if I was hiding. My poor older brother would be somewhere much more boring."

I shrugged. "Well then, let's do what you'd do." I slammed back my bourbon, before walking out from behind the bar. "LET'S GET THIS FUCKING PARTY STARTED!!" I grabbed my fiddle and bow, hooking it into my cheek and smiling. "I DEDICATE THIS SONG TO TWO FOLK! FIRST UP IS OUR RESIDENT BIRTHDAY GIRL! PUPA, RISE FOR THE CROWD!" Pupa shot me a glare but rose as the customers began stomping and clapping. I pointed my bow to Discord. "AND SECOND, TO THIS RANDOM IMMORTAL WHO WANDERED IN, GIVE IT UP FOR DISCORD!" The applause was stammered and broken this time, but Discord bowed deeply and caught a few roses that I was about seventy-percent sure weren't thrown by anyone. I ignored it and sawed out a happy tune.

***

I woke up in the bathtub. As far as after-party stupor went, this was actually pretty high on my ways to wake up scale. I slowly sat up, moving downstairs in the light of dawn. I went down to find my guests gone, apparently leaving early. Pupa was in the kitchen, making my normal after-party meal. She smiled through the window and passed the plate to me. I smiled back. "Pupa, you're a goddess, don't let anyone tell you different."

She nodded and came around to the front, a glass of tea held in her grasp. She sat down beside me. "Well, I had to thank you somehow. Because of you, I got advice from a god, and I liked what I heard."

I looked at my plate for a moment. "Advice from a god, how'd I manage that. The only guy I helped was that Discord schmuck."

Pupa giggled at me. "Silly Charlie, Discord is a god."

Pupa was evil, telling me that as soon as I shoved a banana in my mouth. I choked for a moment. "Wait, that dude's a god?!"

She smiled and nodded. "Yep, Discord, god of chaos and disharmony. Once he sent everyone home he said for my birthday he'd give me five minutes to talk before he went back to Ponyville to something with the elements of who-cares. I just asked him for some advice, and he gave me some pretty solid pointers."

I nodded. "Like what?"

She shrugged. "You'll find out." She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. As she walked off I raised an eyebrow. I began thinking as I munched on the food. Did female changelings get touchier than I was used to the more comfortable they got around you? I had only had one female employee, and I was fairly sure Butter hated me. I shrugged as I took a bite of pancake. It'd all come out in the wash anyway.

Author's Note

You know, if you just get more up front he'll probably figure it out. - Discord, having no clue how dense Charles is.

Vicious Harpy

I was a simple man when all is said and done. All I needed to be happy was a full drink, a happy tune, and cheerful friends. Today I had none of those things. My next supply caravan was held up by a rogue storm on the pass, and the pegasus who delivered that message was sleeping upstairs until they arrived. While I still had enough food not to be worried, my alcohol reserves were low-enough that drinking my own reserve was bad. So I got to sit, bored out of my gourd behind the bar as everyone slept in because they were lazy bitches. And because nothing was going on. But facts couldn't stop my annoyance at the fact I was all alone and not in the mood to play.

I began stacking mugs. There's an art to it that I was unsure had ever been discovered or mastered by any other than bored barmen. Using handles and loose change as supports as I began to construct a tower to rival that of Babel. Or Babble, intentional misspellings for the sake of humor were always fun. I giggled at my private joke, which caused a tremor in my hands. My castle fell, struck down for my hubris of comparing it to the building made to counter gods radiance. Or maybe because I was a clumsy bitch. The world may never know. I sighed at the fallen monument to my sin, knowing deep in my soul that I would be the one to clean it up. "Damn, try to entertain yourself..."

I sighed as my head met the counter. Today just wasn't my day. The cruel mistress of idleness had made my simple inn her home, and I was stuck in her cruel clutches until I found both the means and the will to escape. Cleaning up spilled mugs was going to provide neither. An unholy crash splintered through my bar, the door crashing open as I looked up. On bird-like talons, a strange being sprinted in, doubled over as it sprinted up to the bar. It jumped up, a flap of its wings propelling its tiny body onto the bar as a pony face rose from the bird body. It shouted in a feminine voice as it struck a pose. "BEHOLD, YOUR DOOM! I AM APATHY, SPIRIT OF BOREDOM!"

I stared before a smirk found its way to my face. I jumped the bar, sprinting from the building with a smile. I heard the clack of talons on wood following me as I bolted out the door. I felt like Usain Bolt on cocaine as sand shifted under my feet. I couldn't tell you why I ran. Perhaps some part of me decided that seeing something that could be called a predator thought that running was the best idea. Perhaps I was simply so bored running from a so-called spirit sounded entertaining. Or, perhaps, I was simply insane. As I tore through the sand and ducked into my cellar I heard the shifting snap of talons on desert ground. Without closing the door behind me, I slid into my private getaway. Behind the casks of alcohol, there was a table, a pair of chairs, and a few counters. I slid into a chair, as my momentum forced it to lean back I grabbed at the bottle of ale on the counter. It slid back onto all fours as I popped the cap. As soon as I took the first step the spirit crawled into my private room. I raised the bottle as I smiled. "My demons were chasing me, shame they were doing a naruto run."

The spirit stared at me as I reclined in my chair. My bottle rose up in a mocking salute as I gestured to the opposite chair. The spirit raised an eyebrow, it's scratchy voice coming free from its twisted beak. "Just to be clear, you are offering the spirit of boredom a seat at your table, yes?"

I shrugged, downing a gulp with a smile. "Sure, why not? I've got an empty bar, plenty of time, and some booze to share." I looked it up and down, marking it's dull feathers and slow walking stance as it lazed its way to the chair. I grabbed another bottle and slid it over. "So, introductions first, right?" My arms spread wide over my head. "I am the Wiseman of the brown bottle, the spirit of spirits. But to the ill-informed wanderers, I am Charles Russo, owner of the most remote inn in the world."

The spirit gawked at me for a moment, before shrugging itself. "Then as I said, I am Apathy, the spirit of boredom. I will admit, when I felt a source of power here I didn't expect to meet another spirit. What cause is so important here to attract you?"

I leaned back, an eyebrow raising as I swished my bottle back and forth. "Cause? Mate, I just serve booze and beds. Food if one of the cooks is having an off-day. I'm not rallied here like some hero of old, just enjoying a peaceful life as best I can." I put my bottle down and reached back for a hand-bound book. I have hobbies after all. I began flipping through it for a moment. "I believe I remember a fitting quotation for it. Ah, yes, here it is. Manny Pacquiao. I'm just a regular person who believes life is simple, and I like a simple life."

Apathy rubbed her dull beak, nodding once. "I can see the wisdom in that, though I have never heard of the speaker."

With a shrug, I downed another drink. "Well it's a good quote, and I have a thing for quotes." With a sweeping gesture, I brought the entire room to the spirits attention. Hand-bound books littering bookshelves, tables, and floor with reckless abandon and a subtle hatred of order only a human can truly enjoy. "I have found that the musings of others prompt the musings of the self, and in all that one can reach tranquility."

Apathy looked around the room with interest, before her gaze returned to me. "And what tranquility have you found? What secrets does the Wiseman of the brown bottle hold."

My teeth flashed with my smile, and I put the bottle down. "As the world turns, and mortals die, I've found that three things are eternal." To prove my point I held up three fingers, lowering one with each point. "The sun also rises, the moon always sets, and if the barman doesn't steal a few drinks check the register, cause he's definitely stealing some money."

Author's Note

Huzzah, an update!

(Crossover) Wait, you're a WHAT?!

There wasn't a whole lot to do in my inn when life was going slowly. Sure, I could drink or write, but after so long of doing both they almost felt like work on some days. On those few and far-between days, I had a schedule. I leaned over the bar at Jeff and Pupa, gesturing to the door. "Hey guys, I think I'm in a mood today, mind scampering off for a few days while I do some private work?"

Pupa opened her mouth to argue, but Jeffry beat her to it. "Ah, this is what the small book in the proto-hive was about. Come, Pupa, I shall elucidate you on our way to Malibuck. I've heard there's a wonderful festival going on tomorrow."

I froze as they walked out, shouting as the door shut behind them. "WAIT, WHAT PROTO-HIVE?!" There was no answer as I was left in silence, making me huff and puff as I walked to the window and flipped the open sign over to read closed. With that done I began to whistle as I pulled everything off the walls, leaving all except the king's corner bare. I began hauling various items down my trapdoor, and into the basement. I walked past the door to my reading room and kicked an empty barrel until the hinges hidden on the side gave way, allowing me into the little hall of memories I had constructed. Every item given by my changelings littered the area. Decorations littering a wide variety of tables, with the wall all but invisible due to the massive amount of paintings coating the wall. I began smiling wide as I began looking over the various treasures in my horde.

"Well if I have a horde, that makes me a dragon, right?" My head shook as I looked over a painting from Pope Augustus, a strange changeling who claimed he would spread my name far and wide. It serving all who walked through the doors, a griffon and pony holding large flagons as a dragon sat in a wagon outside with a full barrel in its claws sipping from a straw poking through the lid. I laughed as I saw it, lowering it down as I began to sing.

I sang many songs as I picked up a few new pieces from my horde, unable to hide the smiles both sad and joyous as I combed through the collection of almost a thousand years of friendships. There was the little crown that the changeling I dubbed Lancelot wore after I promoted him from knight of the inn to lord-protector. The heavy steel was dinged and warped from the time he challenged a unicorn who had been causing a ruckus and had promptly gotten a face full of fire for his payment. I had lost it at that. I have no clue what happened after that, but Lancelot had returned his crown when I woke up, claiming he couldn't ever offer better protection than I. He left shortly afterward, going on a quest to gain more strength to be worthy of serving me. I couldn't convince him otherwise. I held it aloft and reached out with another hand. It found a carved changeling head, one that looked regal and noble.

I picked it up and felt the memories. Leonardo da Torto, my waiter a century or two ago. He was always carving in the empty bar, making many a statue and print in his room that sold for a mint. He claimed this piece was called Mirror, but I
didn't see it. I slid the crown over the piece, hoisting it over my shoulder and readying it to go up as I looked for a few more. There was a crack of displaced air from behind me, and I sighed as I deduced the only person it could be. Not now Celly, I want to be alone."

There was a decidedly unfamiliar cackle from behind me. "Nyehehe, the young man thinks the great RAGAR THE MAGNIFICENT is Celestia herself?! Such a compliment is to be accepted gratefully and with reverence." I turned as a hooded biped bowed in front of me, the think dark blue robe hiding any and all details from view.

My eyebrows raised slightly, looking over the creature before me. "Look mac, bars closed and I can't rent you a room today. Sorry, you wasted your time."

The figure shook its head, looking over my horde from under its shadowed hood. "No, Ragar doesn't believe he has. This is your hall of the fallen, your mausoleum. Ragar has a very similar one of his own, though he keeps less from normal ponies than you."

I stared at him as he raised a covered hand to the rough location of his chin, stroking it idly while a strange clack sounded from beneath the hood. The hood shifted up suddenly. "Ragar would assume you are another immortal human, though your method of longevity was probably more refined than Ragar's flawed method." He leaned back, sighing to the sky. "Alas, if Ragar had another century he could have kept his rogueish good looks. Ragar's magnificent hair would still be flowing to this day."

I nearly laughed as an incredibly fake sog ushered forth from the hood, and I found myself relaxing a bit before I paused. He had said another human. "Hold up, are you... human too?"

The figure instantly straightened up, tilting its head at me. "You were unable to tell? Ragar was human, but with the learning of magic he broke such mortal bonds." He threw back his hood, revealing a skull in place of a head, two glowing orbs of gold floating in his sockets. His skeletal grin clacked in place as I took a step back. He cackled once more, his sleeves sliding down as I readied myself for whatever hell this demon would summon. "NOW YOU MEET THE TRUE RAGAR, MASTER OF AMUSEMENT AND CARNIVAL RIDES!~"

...I was not prepared. I doubled over as laughter racked my body, nearly dropping the carving on the ground as Ragar stayed in his spooky pose for a bit longer. After a moment a chuckle escaped from his own lips. "Yeah, I thought that one was pretty good." I looked up as his stance changed. Instead of looking like a goofy wizard like a comedy version of Dumbledore, he relaxed back, sliding his hands into small pockets. He leaned against the wall. "Man, I hope you don't mind if I slip out of character for a bit. Being Ragar all the time is tiring." He snapped his fingers, summoning a tophat on top of his head. "As much as I love conducting Mister Bones Wild Ride, sometimes I need a break."

I shook my head, looking to my pile of stuff. "You're good, help me haul this stuff up and all is forgiven." He pointed a finger at the pile, sending it all to the air in a small field of black smoke. I began leading the way up to my bar, beginning basic small talk as I hauled myself one-handed up a ladder. "So, you new in Equestria?"

The was a clack from below me as Ragar gripped the ladder. "No, I have been in Equestria for many many years, but not this Equestria. I was doing an experiment to test a theory. I was hoping to for a semi-stable path home to get everyone through when..." He paused for a moment before a litany of soft clacks sounded below me. "When I save everyone I can."

My eyes widened a moment. "You can get home? It's been so long I'd be scared to."

I hauled myself up onto the floor of the bar, placing the bust on the counter as a fair few paintings and knick-knacks floated in after me. Ragar's bleached skull followed shortly after, a few bones rising from the ground to extend the ladder so he could easily step onto ground level. I scoffed. "Cocky bastard."

The cackle sounded again, reminding me of Skeletor. "But of course, could the greatest lich to ever live degrade himself with crawling about on all fours in front of a new friend?"

I chuckled, looking over the room to begin a rough design for how my newest decorations would fit. It was an eclectic collection, and placing them without thought would look like a trainwreck instead of an eccentric collection. "Lord forbid that the world ever has witnesses to a great necromancer doing such normal things as helping someone redecorate."

I heard Ragar move as I moved to the pile of bric-a-brac, pulling a painting out and hanging it over the wall. "So, question. What exactly are you planning on doing now?"

Ragar shrugged, snapping his fingers and making his top-hat disappear. "No clue. I need a little bit to catch my breath before I leave. If you're fine with it I wouldn't mind chilling here for a bit."

I nodded, grabbing the bust from earlier and hanging it above the door. "You know what, I would love some human conversation. Pull up a chair, when I'm done I'll grab us some drinks."

***

I was dusting off the bar when Pupa and Jeff returned home, each wearing new clothes with a giant stuffed dolphin in their wake. Pupa had it bouncing on her back as she spoke. "I'm just saying, it seems weird that they had a dolphin plush at a farming festival. I just don't get it."

I smiled as her hoof hit the small rune burned into the floor, and a small puff of black smoke flew up, a skeletal head appearing in front of her. WELCOME!" The voice of Ragar spilled through my inn. "I am RAGAR THE ATROCIOUS, AND THIS IS RAGAR'S FAVOURITE INN IN EQUESTRIA!"

Pupa jumped back as Jeffry dived into a booth, making me giggle as I grabbed a shot glass. "So, you guys have a fun trip?"

Author's Note

This is a crossover with my own story of the Worst Equestrian Necromancer. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/412095/the-worst-equestrian-necromancer

Hitching Post's Guide To Equestria

I could count the number of books I had enjoyed since my arrival on my fingers. Ponies liked action and adventure far more than my innate love of drama and thrills. Of course, that meant a large portion of my time was spent working on other hobbies. That would change today. With the latest trade caravan, I had found a book I was hoping to enjoy. A travelers guide to Equestria that had all the best out of the way places mentioned and covered in full. Including my own little slice of heaven. I leaned up on the bar with a pencil held in my grip as I tapped the page with a photo of my home plastered on it. It was taken sometime after the pirates decided to attack. I knew this because a cannon was resting beside the front door.

I took in a deep breath, ready to weather whatever words that the author had decided to write about us. Pupa was seated at the bar, and some random minotaur was decimating hash browns like they had offended his mother. Pupa raised one of her eyebrows. "So, are we just gonna sit here staring at the book, or actually read it?"

Moving the pencil slowly, I turned the page with its eraser. With a quick clearing of my throat, I began to read. "If one finds themselves in the desert between San Ponymo and Malibuck, there lies a small inn on one of the ancient trade routes. The aptly titled Inn At The End of Equestria is a traders inn, merchants and wanderers from across all the world meeting to share a drink and sell to each other. The owner is one Charles Russo, who was quietly made an official Lord of Equestria some hundred odd years ago."

Pupa coughed and doubled over. "Wait a second! You're a legit Lord of Equestria? Like, noble title and all?"

I coughed slightly, hiding my face behind my hand. "Er, well y'see. I may have introduced myself to the princess as a Lord. A little while ago she decided to make it official." I think the official saber of my office was somewhere in the attic, collecting dust like the title itself.

Jeffery sounded off from his post in the kitchen. "So we've technically been noble vassals this whole time? Quite the surprise sir."

My hands waved as if to dispel the awful thought. "Ew, no. Stop. I am not some petty noble lord, I am Charles. Just Charles, the bartender of the most remote inn in the world." I tapped the page. "But back to the important stuff. The service at the inn is exemplary, as long as you expect no special treatment. The owner treats every guest like an age-old friend. Complete with mild antagonism, occasional free food, and in this authors experience a single count of drunk and disorderly adventure." I looked down at the book in confusion. "Pupa, did I go on a drunk adventure with someone?"

Pupa shrugged, but Jeffry quickly rose from the window. "Well sir, you do tend to go on a bit of a bender every now and again, so I would assume this gentleman simply had the poor luck to be caught in your wake."

My eyes blinked a few times. "Wait, did you just call me sir?"

Jeffry nodded, lighting his pipe with a flash from his horn. "Well if you are indeed a lord I must give some measure of respect. Loathe as I am to admit it."

I smirked, leaning back into the book. "Well then, I'll be sure to remember that then. Anyways, let's see what else he says." I coughed a few times before continuing. "If you are exceptionally lucky, he may even allow you to peruse some of his more private works. After we had retired from a brief trip to a small set of ruined buildings under the waves of the ocean behind his inn he invited me to see some of his musings he has made over the years. I was given a book filled with quotations most strange and wise which I have taken to keeping beside my bed.

Pupa grabbed a glass, filling it with tea from a pitcher beside her. "So you gave him one of those books you write in while drink? And he could read it?"

She ducked as a rag soared towards her, making my attempt to hit her useless. "I write in them while sober, and they have important quotes and philosophies in them. I doubt Equestria has ever heard of half the things written in those. Or that Equestria should have them. From all I've seen I doubt the works of Machiavelli or Che Guevera have much of a place here. Anyways. The food and drink is excellent, staffed by a strange species that in all honesty I was having to much fun to investigate. While I doubt a trip simply to the inn would be worth it, one should consider visiting if ever within a days trot."

Jeffery nodded while puffing on his pipe. "Well sir, it seems we've gotten rave reviews."

I smiled, taking the open book to rest above the bar. "Course we do Jeff, we're awesome. Though I'll need to send him a letter. I have a few complaints."

Pupa smirked. "What? Mad he didn't mention your the best human drink mixer in Equestria?"

I reached over, poking her nose with my finger. "No..." I stepped back. "Well, yes. But he failed to mention our unflappable cook. Or our cute waitress."

Pupa's black shell adopted a minorly green tint, but she stepped forward. "Oh, cute am I?"

I nodded, leaning on the bar. "Course, cutest changeling I've ever had in the bar. Bar none." I giggled a bit. "Ha, bar none. I made a funny. But with that done I have to look through my books. Need to make sure I didn't accidently give a pony a copy of Mein Kampf. That'd probably be bad."

Pupa squeaked something from behind me as I pulled open the small trapdoor behind the bar, ducking into my hidey-hole. I grabbed the mostly blank book beside the door and began scribbling in it. "If you do not expect the unexpected you will not find it, for it is not to be reached by search or trail." With my scribbling done, I began poking at the shelves. All while trying to remember who exactly I got drunk with and invited down here.