Dealbreaker

by Zekeon

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Adventure, Human, Main 6
Length: 2353

Thanks to a teleportation spell gone awry and the hardness of hooves, a human ends up in Equestria.

Thanks to a teleportation spell gone awry and the hardness of hooves, a human ends up in Equestria, where he must attempt to find a way home, but for now must live among the ponyfolk. But as with any old land, there are still ancient evils that have either been hidden or locked away for years and years that are bound to at some point surface again. Allen Dresden, the only human seen in Equestria for at least a thousand years will be forced to combat an old and cunning evil that only wants to bend the will of others to it's desires.

Will Allen Dresden be able to thwart evil and find a way home?
Why don't the Princesses deal with this stuff?
Do ponies wallow?!

At least two of these questions will be answered in "Dealbreaker"!

Published 2012-08-07 18:34:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-07 18:34:03 UTC

Chapter 1: Teleport-lag

Yet another re-post, gosh dang Funnyjunk, a site for funny pictures and videos, was running slow that night. It felt as though I had seen that same picture of a gray pastel pony with a yellow mane and tail tearing through a crowd of other pastel ponies to get to a muffin a thousand times. When it wasn’t a re-post, it just wasn’t funny that night, in fact, that whole day hadn’t been entirely swell. My mother had been in a bad mood and none of my friends had been willing to do anything. I was left with just Funnyjunk and other websites to pass the time.

It was a slow day at all of them.

I finally looked away from my computer monitor to notice that it had gotten very dark outside, and when I looked back at my computer screen it said that it was two o’ clock in the morning already, but I didn’t even feel tired. Despite this, I forced myself to turn off the computer, stand up, and walk to my bed. The hallway to my room might have been dim, but the room itself was pitch black as usual. I walked blind into my room already knowing where everything was and set my hands on my bed. I slowly slid them forward to start laying down, halfway through doing this my hands hit something that I couldn’t see, it’s fur shorter than I remember (which should’ve been my first clue) but soft in my palms. “Hello Georgia” I said quietly to my loyal golden retriever, who would always be in my bed waiting for me. I decided I would need some light to get her untangle from the blanket and reached over past my dog to turn on my bedside lamp. click.

When the lamp came on and I looked at my dog I can honestly say I’m proud of myself for not immediately making some kind of loud, surprised noise. Georgia had suddenly changed from golden to purple. Befuddled by this change in color I leaned back and discovered that it actually wasn’t Georgia anymore. IT'S A PONY! was the first thing my brain tried to think before it was beaten to a pulp by my common sense and knowledge that ponies weren’t real. I closed my eyes for a moment to calm down, then opened them again to see what it really was. It had a small body, four legs with hooves, a long neck, a tail, and a horn on it’s head. It’s fur was lavender and it had a purple mane with light pink highlights just like the tail, which all shined slightly in the low yellow light of my lamp. Okay, so maybe it was a pony.

Wait, it’s a pony! An actual pony! From that one show I love so much, and not only is it a pony it’s the Twilight Sparkle! I don’t beli-- was all I could think before she started to wake up. I froze at that moment, unsure what to do. So all I did was stare while she slowly raised her head, looked at me, and screamed Aah! and jumped up to buck me in the face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I came to, I tried to open my eyes and was blinded. I looked away from what I later discovered to be a window to let my eyes adjust to the brightness. After I few minutes I opened my eyes again to find myself in a small but cheerful looking room with two doors and a staircase that I thought looked familiar but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why that was. In fact, the whole room looked familiar for some reason. The room was filled with lightly colored birdhouses hanging off the ceiling, there were also mouse holes just like in cartoons in various spots. There were even a few branches from trees growing inside. The floor itself was clean however with a rug that looked worn and used. I was covered in a blanket on a green couch next to a window which still hurt my eyes even after adjusting to the light. The sofa was on the opposite side from what seemed to be the main entrance and there was a bookcase in the wall next to my head and an end-table at my feet and next to that there was a lime green chair. I lay there for awhile slightly alarmed but not sure why. I was certain at that point I had some sort of migraine or headache but I couldn’t think of a reason why I felt as if I had a reason to be worried. When I tried to get up I felt excruciating pain in my head before I was even halfway sat up and fell back to my suddenly extremely comfortable pillow. Wonderful, I thought, I definitely got hit in the head… but by what? Apparently trying to get up had been too much effort for me and I felt very tired again. Before I knew it I was back to a dreamless sleep.

I woke up later to two big blue eyes full of worry staring me right in the face.

“Oh my, he’s waking up.” said the owner of those oddly large eyes with a hushed voice.

“Yeah, uh, where--” was all I managed to stammer out before what I could tell now was a yellow pony with a pink mane let out a somehow quiet shriek and ran out of the room. I nearly sat up to look after her but remembered in time that that would probably hurt way too much. After that episode I couldn’t fall back asleep, because of that and still feeling like I was hit in the head by a truck and not knowing where I am, I was content to lay quietly and try to ignore the pain for awhile.

Later, I heard (what I thought were) footsteps approaching, but they stopped at the door. I slowly turned my head with some effort towards the door and saw the yellow pony from earlier, and a lavender pony with purple hair that had-- Then it started to come back to me, I had found Twilight Sparkle in my bed where she promptly kicked me in the face and I was knocked out. If she’s Twilight, I thought then that must be Fluttershy! Wait, she's at my house too? That’s when I finally recognized my surroundings. I was in Fluttershy’s house in the main room. With this new-found clarity my head hurt just enough less for me to notice that they looked worried, and that the house's owner had positioned herself behind Twilight.

“Hey, I don’t bite you know.” I said looking at Fluttershy specifically.

All I got was a nearly inaudible reply from her, then Twilight started walking towards me “Hello,” she said a bit awkwardly “my name is Twilight Sparkle, and this,” she motioned to the yellow pegasus pony “is my friend Fluttershy.”

“Yes I know” I replied a bit sheepishly “Nice to meet you…and your hooves.”

“Oh yeah…“ she said apologetically “Sorry, you surprised me a bit“ then her eyes widened “Wait, you know?” she asked, surprised. “How could you possibly know who we are?”

“Well, I’d love to explain, but my head still really hurts.” I said as it felt like my ears were even starting to hurt.

“Oh right, I got you something for that!” she started to grab something out of her saddlebag that I was too bleary eyed to notice until now then she looked back to Fluttershy “Could you go make some tea real fast please?”

“Oh, uhm..okay.” Fluttershy replied as she glanced at me then left the room.

Twilight Sparkle had opened the saddlebag and used her magic to place a small bottle that rattled on the end-table next to my feet. “What are those?” I asked

I must’ve sounded a bit worried “Oh don’t worry, it’s just some pain medication I picked up at the pharmacy for you. When I took you to the doctor he didn’t know what you were exactly, but he could tell that you had only.. uh, just been hit in the head pretty hard and no permanent damage was done and that all you needed was some rest. But Fluttershy was pretty sure that you would need some pain pills, and now I see she was certainly right!” She paused for a moment to take off her saddlebags with her magic, which created a purple glow around her horn and the bags, and set them in a nearby chair. “Again, I’m sorry I kicked you, I didn’t mean it.” she said a bit quieter.

“Eh, don’t worry about it too much” I replied as cheerfully as I could, which is to say sounding like I didn’t feel like I had actually been kicked the face “I’ll just rest for a bit and I’ll be fine, I already feel better than I did earlier.”

She looked relieved “Okay good, I was worried you were going to be really mad at me when you woke up”

“Oh you didn’t need to worry about that, when I first woke up I was too busy wondering why my head hurt and where I was!” I laughed a bit but then that started to hurt my head so I stopped. “Which brings me to another topic, what am I doing in Fluttershy’s house exactly?”

“Well…” Twilight began, but before she could make any headway Fluttershy flew in carrying a tray that had a lovely clay pitcher and three teacups on it. She sat it down on a small table that was near to my feet in the corner of the room and started pouring tea. Knowing I’d have to at some point, I managed to sit up straight. It hurt a lot but when I had that teacup in a my hand and took the first sip it was well worth it and I immediately felt a lot better. I couldn’t name what kind of tea it was, but it reminded me of rosemary tea. After being told to take two of those pills which turned out to be just a bit smaller than a soda-can tab I started feeling like I could actually function again.

“Well that was fast,” said Twilight while taking her cup from Fluttershy with magic “what kind of tea is this Fluttershy?”

“Oh, it’s just something Angel and I made” Fluttershy said, louder than before but still very quiet

“So, Twilight,” I said over the now half empty teacup in my hand “you were about to explain what I’m doing here?”

“Right.” She said as she put her tea down that she had been holding with her magic “I was just trying this new spell that was supposed to let me switch places with something or somepony by making myself teleport to where the object or pony while simultaneously teleporting them to where I was. I had already done it with a few different objects but I wanted to try it on a living thing so I came here to Fluttershy’s house so I could switch places with Angel, her pet rabbit. When I tried the spell though, something went wrong and I ended up switching with something in your world.”

“Oh yes,” chimed in Fluttershy so quietly I could barely hear her at first “Twilight disappeared and there was this big sleeping dog instead…”

“So that’s why you were there instead of Georgia.” Fluttershy perked up a bit when I said that and looked like she was about to say something but I wasn’t done “But how did you get back? And why did you take me with you? How did you take me with you? It sounded like the spell was too new to you to do something like that.”

Twilight looked a little bit embarrassed again “I had kind of knocked you out, and I couldn’t just leave you out cold on the floor! It took a lot of effort, but thankfully your do-- er, Georgia, hadn’t moved since the teleportation and I managed to switch us with her back here.”

“Well, that’s quite something…” I said under my breath “Wait, earlier you said ‘your world’, and you haven’t asked me what I am, why is that?”

“Oh, I read a book about your species once!” Twilight grinned.

“Really?” I was shocked

“Really!” She replied “You reminded me of something and I found the book in my library while you were asleep. According to it you hue-mons aren’t from a place that anypony can travel to conventionally. However, sometimes a human will visit Equestria, or vice versa. It also said most of you who came here lived to a very old age and became very important in the kingdom, due to your rarity and your tendency to be linked to an important event in Equestrian history.”

“Wow.” I breathed “Did any of them ever go back to their worlds?”

“Well…. not that I know of.” she admitted

I had to process that for a minute. I was stuck here. Stuck in the land of Equestria. Either that or I was dreaming. Well, I suppose that can’t be all bad…right? It’s not like Equestria is a bad place to be. At least, I hope not. Maybe--

“I could always try to find a way to get you back though.” Twilight suggested, snapping me out of my reverie.

“You could?” I replied, astonished.

“Yes, all it would take is some study!” she confirmed “But it might take awhile”

“That would be great!” I said nearly spilling what was left of my tea in excitement

“Whoa there,” she chided “like I said it might take awhile. In the meantime would you like to go around Ponyville with me and meet my friends? After all, exercise is the best medicine!”

“That sounds better than staying in bed anymore.” I announced standing up to find that my legs were very very stiff. And that Twilight was about half my height. Huh, who knew?