Of Pizzas and Mares

by Anon A Mous

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Anon, Second Person, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Sex
Length: 3005

Anon fights for pizza, on this, the most vile of holidays.

Hearts and Hooves Day. Anon wants a pizza; Cadance wants to find him a marefriend. Only one of them is going to get what they want today.

Published 2019-02-15 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-15 00:50:01 UTC

Pizza Dis Butt

You are Anon.

And you completely forgot what day it was until right this moment.

Having just finished locking your front door, you can only stand there on your porch and stare down at the horrid pink thing that is before you. Despite barely coming up to your waist, her presence is enough to send a shiver of fear down your spine. The fact that she is currently giving you the largest smile you’ve ever seen just adds to the fact.

You remain frozen for a moment, hoping that her vision is solely based on movement. It’s sadly not, as she continues to stare up at you while hopping in place.

Defeated, you sigh and release your grip on your doorknob. “What do you want this time, Cadenze?” You already know the answer; after all, it just so happens to be that day of all days.

If at all possible, the pink alicorn’s smile grows even wider. “My name is Cadance, the true and fair!” she chirps in a sing-song voice. “I am here to find your mare!”

Your eye twitches. Oh god, she’s doing a fucking bit, isn’t she? Yes, yes she is. You can hear the faint music and everything. God damn it, you aren’t in the mood for this right now.

Rubbing the bridge of your nose, you groan in annoyance. “Cadenze—”

“Cadance.”

“Cadenza. Please. I’m not in the mood to deal with this today. I just want to go and pick up a fucking pizza, okay?” Before she can respond, you step around her fat ass and head off down the path towards Ponyville. As you walk, you silently pray to yourself. Please let her get the hint, please let her get the hint, please let her get the—god damn it!

The sound of fluttering wings can be heard, and she’s suddenly right beside you, hop-skipping along as happy as can be. Looks like it’s going to be one of those days again. You try to ignore her as best you can, but this proves difficult as she starts up with her shit again. “Don’t worry, Anon, we’ll find one yet! We’ll find a mare, and you’ll be set!”

Christ, she’s annoying enough to begin with, but today of all days? It’s getting even worse. Like, Celestia-during-a-solar-eclipse or Luna-during-a-Blood-Moon levels of worse. And why is it always directed at you?

Stupid Cadance and her Hearts and Hooves Day.

As Ponyville comes into view in the distance, Cadance gives you a curious look. “Would you like them young or old?”

Just ignore her. Maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll get bored and go away. Or she’ll catch sight of some couple in need of her rape love magic.

Unperturbed by you silence, Cadance hums as she looks around at the ponies that are walking around town. “Would you like them warm or cold?”

Now, let’s see. Where was that pizza place again? Two blocks down from Sugercube Corner? Or three blocks? Crap, you can’t remember and you really don’t want to be out longer than necessary today. Especially with slutbutt as your shadow.

You’re trying to recall the exact address of your destination when Cadance suddenly appears in front of you before shoving a random mare right into your face. Letting out a surprised squawk, you stumble backward.

“Would you like them with some tuft?” Cadance asks, holding the blushing mare in such a way that her chest fluff is prominently on display.

Recovering from your surprise, you glare down at the annoying pink beast. “Cadenze, no. Stop.”

“Would you like them kinda rough?” she asks.

You blink.

Somehow, the mare in her hooves has completely changed. Now she’s holding a lean mare whose thighs looked like they could crush a watermelon with little to no effort. This mare, unlike the first one, doesn’t look too pleased with the situation she found herself in and is now glaring up at you.

Running a hand down your face, you sigh and step around Cadance and the proffered mare. Sadly, you only manage to make it a few feet before Cadance is in your face again. Flying backward, she gives you a critical look. “Do you like them big or small? Do you like them short or tall?”

You open your mouth to tell her to fuck off, but suddenly get a better idea. Pointing at a random pony in the distance, I say quickly, “I like the looks of that mare over there!”

Cadance gasps and spins around excitedly. You take that moment to duck beneath her and dart down a nearby alleyway. Chancing a look behind you to make sure she didn’t follow you, you step out the other side, into the marketplace. And lo and behold, you can see the pizza joint at the far end of the plaza. Only a few blocks stand between you and that sweet, cheesy goodness!

Waiting a few more seconds, just to be sure you’re safe, you step out of the alleyway and nonchalantly make your way across the—god damn it!

“Would you? Could you? Please don’t bolt?” Cadance asks from her perch atop your shoulders. “If not a mare, how ‘bout a colt?” Looking more like an overgrown parrot than a princess, she leans over your head to peer at you upside down.

You glare up at her. “We’ve been over this, you overgrown buzzard. I’m not interested in colts or mares at the moment. All I want right now is a fucking pizza! Now, leave me alone!” Waving your arm about, you manage to shake her loose. Instead of listening to your request though, she begins to prance around you in a circle as you walk.

“You may like them! You will see! Perhaps you’ll like them in two’s or three’s?” she chirps happily. She jumps in front of you, her eyes sparkling with eagerness. “A herd! A herd! A herd! A herd! Could you? Would you? Join a herd?”

Stopping, you bend down slowly and stare into Cadance’s eyes. “I’m not joining a fucking herd, Cadenza.” Before she can answer, you pick her up bodily and dump her into the nearby fountain with a resounding ‘splash’. As she’s spluttering and coughing, you head off.

You manage to make it a good block and a half before she shows up again. You’re making your way through a small playground when she pops up out of a bush—completely dry and ready for more.

“Say!” she gasps “In the park? Here in the park? Would you search for a mare in the park?”

“If it’s not food, I’m not interested,” you growl, a little venom now making its way into your voice. Not stopping, you continue on by her, only for her to pop out of another bush a little further down the way. Damn it, it was bad enough when Pinkie did shit like this; you don’t need a second reality-bending, pink abomination following you around now.

“Would you? Could you? With some butter?” she asks, her hooves behind her back.

“I swear to god, Cadenza, if you so much as pull—”

“You may like this volunteer, Flutter!”

Fluttershy smiles up at you timidly, a small blush on her face. “I-if that’s okay with you…” she mumbles out. You notice she has on a bead necklace, little plastic hearts running along her neck. She’s also wearing a pair of panties that look like their made out of a thin, red plastic—those… those are fucking edible panties.

With a deadpan face, you slowly pick Fluttershy up in your arms. She gasps, her eyes widening before she quickly nuzzles your chest. Cadance has the largest shit-eating grin on her face right now. You can see hearts in her eyes, even as she scrunches her face up with joy.

The joy quickly turns to horror as you unceremoniously dropkick Fluttershy through the air. She sails off through the air, barely clearing the top of the trees before she disappears from view. Cadance yelps before taking off, hurriedly following after Fluttershy.

You take this moment of peace and quiet to finish making your way to the pizza place.

It’s fairly empty inside of Cheesus Crust’s, and given the day you aren’t that surprised. Most ponies are probably out with their special someone’s right now, enjoy romantic picnics or something. It only takes you a minute to place your order, and the teenage mare with acne behind the counter gives you an odd look when you proceed to order one large with cheese, one large with half onions and half pineapple, one with onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, and a fourth one with three different peppers, four kinds of cheese, and ranch drizzled on top.

Whatever, pepperoni face. Judging by her weight, she’s finished off several pizzas by herself.

…

Oh no. Hangry Anon is starting to get loose. They better hurry it up.

About three minutes into waiting for them to finish your order, you feel something tugging on your pant leg. You glance down, only to curse and stare up at the ceiling. “For fuck sake.”

Cadance is back.

“Would you? Could you? With a fox?” she asks as she points at a fox-pony hybrid that is currently walking in front of the store window.

You say nothing and continue to stare ahead.

“Would you? Could you? With some hawks?” The two griffons sitting at the corner table give her a dirty look before returning to their pizza.

Cadance’s brow furrows slightly.

“Would you? Could you? With some pugs?” Cadance hovers in front of you now, trying to catch your eye. The diamond dog behind the counter cocks her head, her ears perked in confusion.

You cross your arms.

“Would you? Could you? With some thugs?” Luckily, the minotaurs currently placing their order don’t hear her, cause those two girls look like they could bench press three of you for fun.

Cadance’s eyes narrow. A look of determination flashes across her face, and her tail begins to twitch back and forth quickly.

And then things proceed to get weird.

“We’re in this line, lined up like ants,” she says. “Would you? Could you? Drop your pants?”

This causes you to finally look down at her. “God damn it! All I wanted was to get some food!”

“You can eat me out if you so choose!” she answered eagerly, her hips swaying back and forth.

You’re debating whether or not it’s worth waiting for your pizza anymore, regardless of the fact you’ve already paid for it. Luckily, for once it seems luck is on your side, as the mare behind the counter calls out your name. “Four pizzas for Anon A. Mous?”

“Yes! Thank Christ all mighty!” Stepping forward, you gather your pizza and without a backward glance make your way for the door. Now you just have to get home and you’ll be safe. Your house is enchanted so that not even the alicorns can get in without your permission (annoying as she might be, Luna’s still a bro for that).

Carrying your pizzas carefully, you make your way down the road as quickly as possible without jostling your precious load. You get many strange looks for the surrounding ponies, but you’re pretty sure that it’s not because of you, but rather the bundle of pink autism that is currently hurrying along beside you.

She. Won’t. Shut. Up.

“Would you? Could you? In my throat?” she asks. Her tongue hangs out as she attempts to show you the back of her mouth. “Would you? Could you? Make me bloat?”

“Piss off!” you huff, weaving through the crowd.

As you pass by Berry’s store, Cadance takes one look in the window and grins. “Would you? Could you? With some hooch? A little booze to get some cooch?

“Are you deaf as well as dumb? Piss off!”

She darts out in front of you, nearly tripping you in the process. “Would you? Could you? Let me smash?”

You aim a kick at her, which she nimbly dodges. “Would you fuck off, you pink-furred trash?!” Shit, now she has you doing it. You’re almost home—just a little longer.

Cadance pouts. “Anon just keeps getting meaner. All I want is his tasty wiener.”

“Fuck off!”

The pout turns into a sly grin, and she takes to the air. Flying out in front of you, she positions herself so that her rump is in your face. She peers back at you from over her shoulder and shakes her butt. “Would you? Could you? Fast and hot? Would you? Could you? Up my plot?”

“Get your fat ass out of my face, you whore.”

She continues to give you a smoldering look over her shoulder as she continues to fly in front of you. With a small flick, she moves her tail out of the way. “Would you? Could you? Fill my cup? Would you? Could you? Knock me u—”

WHAM

Too busy trying to get you to stare at her thoroughly-stretched out baby cave, Cadance doesn’t notice that you’ve arrived home until she slams face-first into your door. She collapses into a heap on your porch, her eyes spinning in her head.

Stepping over the dazed pony, you reach into your pocket and pull out your keys. It takes you a moment to unlock your door—having to balance your four large pizzas on one arm—but when you finally manage to open it, you breathe a sigh of relief. Putting your keys back in your pocket, you go to step over the threshold, but pause.

You peer down at the pink alicorn who was now nursing a large goose egg on her forehead, right below her horn. She’s looking up at you with big, watery eyes, her lower lip trembling as she sniffles. “I just wanted to help you find a mare. One that you could fill with love and care.”

Kneeling down, you look into her eyes.

“Cadenze…” you say softly.

She rubs at her eyes with a hoof. “Y-yes, Anon?”

“Why didn’t you just say so?” you say. “I’ll happily let you find me a marefriend.”

Her eyes light up. “Really?!”

“No.” You stand back up and glare down at her. “We go through this every fucking year, you stupid cunt! And every year it’s the same fucking thing! I tell you again and again and again but it just doesn’t seem to get through that thick skull of yours. I’m going to lay it out for you one last time, you failed eHarmony reject.

“I do not want you to find me a mare.

“I do not want them young or old—I do not want them warm or cold.

“I do not want them with some tuft—I do not want them kinda rough.

“I do not want them big or small—I do not want them short or tall.

“I do not want them in two’s or three’s—I do not want them, can’t you see?

“I do not want to with a fox—I do not want to with some hawks.

“I do not want to with a pug—I do not want to with some thugs.

“I do not want to in your throat—I do not want to make you bloat.

“I do not want to with some hooch—I do not want to get some cooch.

“I do not want to fast and hot—I do not want to in your plot.

“I do not want your help today—so kindly fuck off and go away!”

With that, you slam the door in her face.

Leaning against the wood, you close your eyes and let out a tired sigh. It takes a moment for you to compose yourself, and it’s only when the smell coming from the pizza reaches your nose that you finally move. Kicking off your shoes, you move through the entryway and into the living room.

Everything is exactly as you had left it. Dirty clothing lying everywhere, because you couldn’t be assed enough to actually put effort into disposing them properly after work. Empty Nacho Mare bags litter the coffee table, along with several empty bottles of soda and booze. Your tv, one of the few things in your house that you actually spent good money on, is currently playing a very old and very cheesy horror movie marathon.

And there, longing on your worn-out couch—her emerald eyes glued to the tv even as she has a bored expression on her face—is a very large bugpony.

“What took you so long?” Chrysalis asks, not even glancing up as you walk in.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you grunt as you deposit the pizza boxes down onto of the empty taco bags.

“Whatever.” Her horn lights up and she snags two pieces from the topmost box. She takes a huge bite, long strands of cheese dangling off the piece as she pulls away.

Sitting down next to her, you grab a slice of your own before glancing at the tv. “So, where are we at?”

“The bimbo and the cheerleader are both dead, but the jock is still alive.”

“Nice.” You take a bite of pizza, finally able to enjoy the delicious treat that you had worked so hard to acquire today. The melted cheese, the mixing flavor, the crust with just the right amount of crunch—it is all worth it.

“So, how many movies do we have left?” Chrysalis asks.

“Mmm, three… I think?”

“Good,” she says as she takes another slice. “Watching all these teen ponies bang and get killed really gets a girl going. I’m going to need a pizza of that human dick later.”

You pause in your chewing and slowly turn your head to stare at her.

She gives you a confused look. “What?”

“That was awful,” you scold. “From now on, leave the puns to me.”

“Oh yeah. Well, let’s see you come up with a better one!”

You open your mouth to oblige her, only to stop and then shake your head.

“Nah, never mind. It’s way too cheesy.”