The Experimental RariDash Crackfic

by Mystic Mind

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Derpy Hooves, Violence, Pinkie Pie, Death, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Starlight Glimmer, Romance
Length: 5774

How not to respond to a magical prophecy of doom; as told by Pinkie Pie.

Soothsayer Derpy Hooves experiences a dramatic prophetic dream, predicting the downfall of Lordships King Rainbow Dash and Queen Rarity. But alas, her words fall on deaf ears; dismissed by the king as a mad mare! Will the prophecy come true? What will become of the royal couple? And can Pinkie Pie stop giving away so many spoilers?!

Two out of these three questions are going to be answered! The results of which will undoubtedly be complete nonsense.

Alternate title: How Not to Tell a Tragic Story from Pony History; a story by Pinkie Pie. Hilarity ensues!

Written to be part of the RariDash fanfic competition, hosted by RariDash Doodles on Tumblr. Find the link to the full (spoiler) cover art and competition here: http://raridashdoodles.tumblr.com/post/151697565779/prompt-3

Also inspired by the song "Premonition of Pain" by 3 Inches of Blood: https://youtu.be/OiW1ozMWq2U

Published 2019-02-15 14:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-15 14:40:01 UTC

Prologue

Premonition of Pain

(Prologue)

A tremendous thunderclap erupted across the night's sky. Heavy rain pounded the castle walls, its magnificent spires standing firm. Across the muddy hills—which looked a lot like melted chocolate pudding, but far less yummy—an army was on the march.

From all sides, it advanced at snail's pace...

“What’s that about me?”

Oh, sorry, I mean at a snail's pace! Anyway, inch by inch they moved forward, the Pegusi generals flying at the front to bark orders at the lower-ranked soldiers. With the unicorns in the middle, the earth ponies remained at the back, pulling gigantic siege machines big as houses.

To any pony unlucky enough to be watching, it would look like the soldiers were marching on the spot, with the scenery looping around behind them.

I mean... they would think that, if they were not already flabbergasted by the sheer size of the army. At its helm were three generals: Applejack, Maud Pie (my sister!) and Bulk Biceps.

“YEAH!” cried Bulk Biceps, flexing as he walked.

Though mighty, none could rival the supreme commander levitating above it all: Warlord Starlight Glimmer. A grand, yet unintelligible speech followed, to which all generals nodded in agreement while cackling maniacally.

...Except for Maud, who Starlight reminded through gritted teeth, and a quick kick in the side, that she had a line to say.

“Oh, right, sorry,” Maud apologized, though she really didn't need to. Starlight was just being a meanie! “I was waiting for your speech to finish. Maniacal laugh.”

“Close enough!” Declared Starlight, turning her attention back to the castle. “Finally, the time has come to dethrone the wicked King Rainbow Dash and the mad Queen Rarity once and for all!”

Wait, I thought they were just going to rob the castle? I suppose that wouldn't make sense, what with the siege engines and all. Maybe they could just trade cupcakes for everything? That'd be way more fun to me, but hey, I didn't write this story.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Starlight raised her hoof, the siege ponies ready to fire at her command!

“Be ready to fire on my command!” Starlight repeated. Sweet Celestia, is she even paying attention? “Ready!” She announced, ignoring me. “Aim! Fire!”

Act 1

(Act 1)

Soothsayer Derpy Hooves awoke with a start, gasping for air. The war was gone, but the memory of the siege machines' deafening thunder and the volleys of burning arrows remained. She immediately kicked off the covers and bolted for the window, just to check if all was well.

At first, everything appeared to be normal (or should I say: boring! Am I right?). The morning sun gentlycaressed the courtyard like a warm blanket, with white fluffy clouds that looked just like the puffiest, softest pillows; so much so that I could just take a nap... right... here...

“Um, Pinkie Pie?”

Oh, right, the story! Sorry, Derpy! As I was saying, the castle guards were busying themselves with target practice. The odd servant who shouldn't have been there quickly shuffled out of the way as they made their rounds – though some got shot in the butt regardless, prompting a round of apologies from the inaccurate marks-ponies. Other servants withmore of a green hoof (literally in some cases) tended to the plants and other garden fixtures.

Derpy breathed a sigh of relief. Just a bad dream after all, she thought. Still, the growing clouds over the horizon gave her pause for concern. Best check the crystal ball, just in case.

So, she ran out the room... I mean, she ran around her room, not remembering where she left her crystal ball. She tried looking in the cupboard, under the bed, even through the hole in the wall where the mice kept their stolen cheese: but she just couldn't find it!

When she finally remembered, she galloped straight out the door, only to trip over her robes and fall down at least one flight of stairs. After several stern looks at the ceiling for no reason, she made it to the magic room, with the crystal ball resting on a red cushion in the centre. Waving her hooves around the ball, it flared to life with a bright flash, filling the Soothsayer's mind with the thousand horrible visions of war yet again!

“Oh no!” Derpy cried, pacing around the room. “What do I say next? I can't remember! Oh no, oh no, oh no!”

Luckily, at that very moment, the Soothsayer teleported right into the King and Queen's throne room!

“Well, well, look what we have here!” proclaimed King Rainbow Dash, adjusting her hollow, golden crown and dusting her royal blue cape. “If it isn't the dirty old Soothsayer. Come to give us another ridiculous prophecy, have you?”

Derpy gasped. “How did you know?”

That's what you're here for, silly!

“Oh, come now, darling,” said Queen Rarity, who wore a similar cape to Rainbow Dash, coloured red, and a fancier red crown. “Give the old Soothsayer a chance. After all, she's been quite entertaining with her stories as of late.”

“I have?” Derpy gave the two rulers a blank stare, her ears pricking up the moment she remembered that telling amazing true stories from the future is what Soothsayers do best! “Oh, right. Yes, I have.”

The couple looked at each other with loving smiles. “Oh, alright. As long as you're happy, my love. You always did know how to melt a girl's heart with your dazzling generosity.”

“Don't sell yourself short, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity giggled. “Oh, I mean, King, Rainbow Dash. You have dazzled the lives of many with your sonic rainboom as well; not to mention inspiring many a beautiful dress of my own. Surely a little story time will bring you some amusement as well?”

They held hooves as they nuzzled each other. D'aaaw, how cute! Aren't they just the best couple? I need to plan the party for their wedding day; it'll be such a blast!

“Ahem!” Derpy cleared her throat, returning the attention to her. Sorry! But you've gotta admit, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are cute together.

“My lord!” Derpy cried, holding up her crystal ball. “Your people aren't safe! A massive army is approaching from everywhere! They want to destroy your castle and rule your land for themselves!”

Rarity shivered. “Can this be true? What sort of fiend could want to destroy a magnificent kingdom like ours?”

“Ha!” the king scoffs. “You've got nothing to worry about, Rares. That crystal ball stuff is just a bunch of magical mumbo jumbo. There's no vision there at all!”

“Of course not, it's only plastic,” Derpy admits. Aha, so my fiendish plan is coming together after all! This means my invasion will be—

“No spoilers!” Rarity snapped... at no one in particular, of course. I mean, why would the narrator ever have anything to do with knowing the story to come?

Rainbow Dash waved her hoof in dismissal. “Get lost, Soothsayer. You don't know what you're talking about!”

“Okay, goodbye.”

Err, uh, the Soothsayer was about to leave, but then she remembered how horrible the vision was, so she decides to stay!

“Oh, I do?” asked the Soothsayer, finally remembering her lines, thank goodness.

“Oh, right!” She cleared her throat. “My lord, they're coming! Your people aren't safe! When the army comes, they'll... they'll...” Derpy paused and rubbed her head, trying to remember what she saw. “They'll burn down the castle! They'll kill you both! They'll trample on the daisies!”

“What utter nonsense,” Rarity rolled her eyes. “You're starting to bore me. Come up with a better story next time.”

“Okay,” Derpy shrugs. “They'll rip up all your tapestries and steal all your clothes!”

That made Rarity clutch Rainbow Dash's arm tight, her eyes growing wide as she trembled like a leaf! Hehe, that's such a funny saying. Can leaves ever tremble?

“That pony is a mad mare! No creature would dare to touch my most exquisite creations! Of all the stories she could tell, this is the worst. Possible. Thing!”

Rarity collapsed onto her fainting couch, which just happened to be right next to her throne.

“Rarity, my love!” Rainbow Dash dove after her, hooves shaking as she shot the Soothsayer an icy glare. Makes me shiver just thinking about it!

“How dare you upset the greatest seamstress in all Equestria with your blasphemy! Guards!”

Two guards rushed to the scene, but upon reaching the throne, the Soothsayer was gone!

“Oh, my goodness,” Fluttershy said. “She disappeared!”

“No, she didn’t,” corrected Twilight, pointing toward the door. “She’s over there.”

“Bye, everypony!” Derpy waved from the door. “See you at the finale!”

Wait a minute, that’s not the–! The Soothsayer just walked face-first into a wall, which was obviously a clever ruse to make everypony think she was clumsy; when in reality, she's getting ready to fight the oncoming evil horde.

“I am?” Derpy asked, blinking a couple of times until her eyes were straight. “Oh, right. Whoosh, zap, poof! Magic teleportation go!”

“Nice save!” said the King to nopony in particular.

Act 2

(Act 2)

Though the king didn't know it, while she was busy scolding the Soothsayer, a great army had just landed on the shore to the south. Funny coincidence, huh?

“Attention, everypony!” Warlord Starlight Glimmer announced, levitating over her generals. “We have lived under the oppressive hoof of King Rainbow Dash and Queen Rarity for long enough! Today is the day we finally rise up and take our revenge!”

General Maud Pie raised her hoof. “I thought we were coming to conquer the nation. Like bad guys, and such.”

“I thought we were gonna be reclaimin' a stolen treasure,” General Applejack interjected, raising an eyebrow. “Didn't y'all get the memo?”

“What's a memo?” Maud asked, deadpan as ever. Why did they write that in the script? Can’t any pony tell she’s just bursting with excitement?

Speaking of excitement, now it’s my turn to be a character in the story! “Oh, I know! I know!” I, General Pinkie Pie, bounced to the front. “It's like a letter, only it's in a super-secret code! So instead of 'invade the castle 'cause the king and queen are evil' it'd be like 'beep boop, beep boop, we're the bad guys after all.” I really am the best at telegraph noises.

“YEAH!” cried General Bulk Biceps.

“SILENCE!” A bolt of magic lightning cracked overhead. Dang, Starlight, you can be super scary when you’re mad!

“Oh, sorry, am I overdoing it?” Starlight’s cheeks flushed red as she landed next to me.

Wait, did I say that part about being scary out loud? Um, I mean… “It’s nothing, Lord Starlight. Please continue to be your evil tyrannical warlord self!”

Starlight wipes the sweat from her brow, but not before muttering something about always playing the bad guy. Well, Sunset Shimmer isn’t here, so who else would play the part?

“As I was saying,” Starlight continued, levitating back into the air for yet more maniacal speeches. “Each of you generals will march around the castle, converging at the stroke of midnight. Many years ago, I was the sole ruler of this kingdom, until the day that monster Rainbow Dash and her banshee of a wife

Rarity cast me out! But today, I shall have my revenge!”

“Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute,” Applejack stomped her hoof. “I thought we were s’posed to be the bad guys here, but now ya go and tell me it's Rainbow Dash who's the monster for stealin’ yer throne? Somethin’ tells me you can’t keep yer story straight!”

“Well… um… you see, the thing about that is…” Starlight chuckled nervously, looking left and right as she tried to remember what her villain motivation was supposed to be. “Oh, to heck with it.” A flash of her horn, and a bubble of silence was cast around Applejack’s head. “Does anypony else dare to question my villain status?”

Nopony else dared say a word – except for Appljeack, who for some reason continued to rant into her bubble. Silly AJ!

“Good,” Starlight rubs her hooves together as a mad grin grew across her face. “Now, march into your positions, and be ready to fire the catapults—”

“How will we know when to fire?” Maud interrupted. “We’ll all in different places, and watches don't exist in this story. So, I doubt we’ll hear you announce the time.” Silly Maud, doesn’t she know about Starlight’s super-secret evil plan of doom? All she had to do is—

“Pinkie! Spoilers!” Queen Rarity yelled somewhere in the distance. Wow, now that’s an impressive voice! Princess Luna would be so proud.

Starlight cleared her throat. “As I was going to say before being so rudely interrupted, you will know my signal when you see it. And once I give the order, you will unleash Tartarus on our enemies!”

A perfectly fine order, but there was one question I just had to ask.

“Yes, Pinkie Pie?” Starlight sighed. How did she know I was about to ask a question? She must have mind reading as one of her evil powers!

“Just ask the question, Pinkie,” she added, rolling her eyes and resting her chin in her hooves. Wow, she’s good at this!

“Can I use my party cannon as part of the attack? Pretty please!”

Starlight gave me a deep, scary frown, which made me worry she was gonna bubble me next! “Fine!” She grumbled. “I don’t care what you use! Just make sure it hits something.”

Act 3

(Act 3)

King Rainbow Dash paced back and forth across the room. “Ugh, stupid Derpy and her stupid prophecies,” she muttered.

“Whatever is the matter, my love?” Rarity asked in a weary voice. “You’re getting your royal cloak all dusty! I spent a long time sewing that for your birthaversery present.”

Rainbow Dash signed. “I’m sorry, Rares. I just have bigger stuff on my mind right now than clothes.”

Rarity’s eye twitched. “What could possibly be more important than my glamorous clothes?”

Dash stopped to give Rarity a quizzical look. “Well, I’d say a vengeful tyrant who wants to kill us and usurp throne for herself is pretty high on the list!”

“Oh. Fair point,” Rarity chuckled, rubbing the back of her head. “Wait, I thought you didn't believe the Soothsayer’s prophecy?”

“I don’t,” Rainbow Dash sighed as she slumped back in her throne. “But that doesn't mean I don’t have enemies. What if she’s the traitor and was trying to throw me off? What if the assassin is already here? What if—”

Rarity shushed Dash with her hoof. “Listen, darling. I know it’s hard to silence those creeping doubts, especially after such strong accusations. But ask yourself this: what’s more likely? That somepony with a grudge has an army big enough to attack from all sides? Or that some silly Soothsayer had a bad dream and wants to mess with your head?”

King Dash leaned over and rested her head on Rarity’s shoulder. “You’re right, I’m just being a paranoid egghead. Your wisdom far exceeds your years, my love!”

Rarity kissed Rainbow Dash’s forehead and stroked her mane. These two are so cute together! It’d be such a shame if somepony was to be lurking around the background, spying on them and waiting for the right moment to enact her master’s plan!

“Uh, Pinkie Pie,” Dash said, peering behind her throne. “You know we can hear you, right?”

“Oh no, I’ve been discovered!” I yelled, throwing one of Trixie’s smoke bombs and making my escape.

When the smoke cleared, the two looked at each other, still coughing their guts out. Yikes! I didn't think it’d be that bad!

“I think it’s time we got a little fresh air, don’t you?” Rarity smiled as she waved away the smoke.

“Not a bad idea,” Dash gagged, removing her crown and polishing its jewels with a small handkerchief. “Better fix us up first. We need to be presentable for our royal subjects, wouldn’t you agree?”

“You know me so well,” Rarity sighed blissfully, staring deep into her eyes before their kiss. “I love you, Rainbow Dash.”

“I love you too, Rarity.”

So, there I was, gazing over the castle walls, an arrow nocked, and my bowstring drawn, ready to defend my lordship – or, at least pretend to, since I’m secretly on Starlight’s side – when who should show up but King Dash herself!

“Hi Dashie!” I bowed.

“Erm, Pinkie Pie?” Dash whispered behind her hoof. “You don’t address kings with informal nicknames.”

“Oh, okay! Sorry,” I bowed a second time in apology. “My Lord Dashie and Lady Rarity. How are you today?”

Rainbow Dash face-hoofed and shook her head. What was that for? Did she have a bug on her face? Well, if she did, she’s squashed it now!

“We’re fine, Pinkie,” Dash rolled her eyes. “Just keep your eyes peeled for any suspicious activity, got it?”

“You can count on me!” I saluted my king, but before I could return to my guarding duties, I noticed something odd. “Hey, where’d my arrow go?”

“Ow! Watch where you’re shooting that thing!” yelled Bulk Biceps, shaking a hoof at me. Poor guy. If only he’d paid attention, he would’ve avoided flying face-first into a tower. That’s gotta hurt!

Both Rainbow Dash and Rarity tried to stop themselves snickering, with little success. It’s a good thing I meant for that to happen, otherwise I’d look really silly!

“Well done, Pinkie,” Rarity said once she’d composed herself. “Carry on.”

Trotting on, they didn’t make it five feet when Fluttershy dove in front of them.

“WAIT!” She yelled at the top of her lungs, freezing Rainbow Dash on the spot.

From underneath her suspended hoof, a tiny little spider crawled past. It took a moment, but once itmoved on, Fluttershy realized she’d just yelled in the king’s face. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” she bowed profusely. “The spider was on its way back to feed its babies and you almost smooshed it and I’m so sorry!”

“Hey, it’s okay, Fluttershy,” Dash grabbed Fluttershy’s hoof. “Take a deep breath. I know you didn’t mean any harm.”

“Oh,” Fluttershy wheezed. “Thank you.”

“Personally, I’ve always admired the care you give to creatures of all sizes.” Rarity smiled, which seemed to calm Fluttershy down – even if her face flushed an even brighter red!

“Just keep an eye out for any trouble, will ya ‘Shy?”

Fluttershy simply nodded.

A short distance away, a certain orange earth pony was attempting a surprise attack! Somepony had left a long ladder outside the castle walls, just waiting for AJ to take advantage of. Although, there was one teensy weensy little flaw in her plan.

“Say what now?” Applejack froze, just in time for the spider (who Fluttershy had saved) to return and push the ladder away with her amazing web powers!

“Dang nabbit, Pinkie Pie!” Applejack’s cry echoed as she fell. Silly AJ, your time to shine will come in act 4!

Just outside the western tower, Twilight scanned the valley through a pair of binoculars held in her magic.

“Good afternoon, Twilight,” Rarity said. “How goes the guard duties?”

“Eeek!” she screamed, nearly jumping out of her skin and throwing away the binoculars that were obviously out of place for this time period. “Oh, Lady Rarity, Lord Rainbow Dash, it's just you.”

“Well duh, it's us,” Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow. “Twilight, are you okay?”

“I'm fine, just fine!” Twilight wiped the sweat from her brow. “Just keeping an eye on that large mass of ponies marching across the horizon. At this rate, they'll be in place to lay siege within a matter of hours!”

Dash and Rarity looked at each other, before bursting into a fit of laughter. “I never knew you to be such a joker, Twilight,” Dash wiped a tear from her eye.

“Have you been listening to that silly old Soothsayer again?” Rarity shook her head. “Really, darling, you should always take her words with a pinch of salt.”

“Well put, my love,” Dash took Rarity's hoof and kissed it. “Besides, since when has Derpy's predictions ever come true?”

“Good point,” Twilight hummed, rubbing her chin. “There was that one time she pushed you away from the faulty throne room trap door. And the time she predicted the bug-bear attack on the royal gardens. Oh, and don't forget about the day of the exploding ice-cream— Ow!”

Rainbow Dash thumped Twilight's arm. That's gotta leave a mark! “Twilight,” she sneered. “How many times do I have to remind you: we don't talk about the exploding ice-cream incident.”

“Besides, those were all just coincidences,” Rarity added.

“Coincidences? But it was bug-bear season!”

“I'm sure you're just seeing things. What you think is an army is probably just a mirage.”

“A... mirage?” Twilight stared at Rarity, slack-jawed. “But it's barely even spring! How would that even work?!”

“That's enough!” Rainbow Dash snapped as an arrow flew overhead. “You're wasting time with your paranoid rants. Just tell us if you see something suspicious, and I'll send a squad of royal guards to investigate.”

“I am your royal guard!” Twilight protested, her voice muffled by the loud boom of something big hitting the wall – which wasn't my party cannon. “And I am telling you I see something suspicious!”

“What?” Dash raised a hoof to her ear as more explosions filled the air. “I can't hear you over this noise, Twilight!”

“I'm saying we're under attack!” Twilight kept yelling, but it was all in vain. Dash and Rarity shrugged and moved on, just as part of the wall behind them collapsed.

“A bit early for fireworks, don't you think?” Rarity asked.

“Never too early to appreciate you, my dear.” Dash kissed her.

“Oh, you're such a charmer,” Rarity giggled, wrapping her hooves around Rainbow Dash as the two started making out.

Act 4

(Act 4)

“Argh! Idiots, the lot of them!” Starlight stamped her hoof on the muddy ground. “I told them to wait for my signal!”

“To be fair, you didn’t tell them what the signal would to be,” Maud blinked twice. Uh-oh, Starlight, you’ve really done it now! She’s practically seething with rage! “I don’t know what you expected.”

“I expected them to know what an obvious burst of magical fireworks looks like!” Starlight growled, not realizing just how angry my sister could get!

“Then say that next time.” Maud’s expression dropped the length of a full chocolate bar! Starlight, why’d you have to push her over the edge like that?! I can’t watch!

“Huh? What was that? Maud, did you feel something touch you just now?”

“Sure did,” Maud replied, her anger spent.

“Must’ve been a bug or something,” Starlight shrugged. Now she knows not to mess with my sister! “Anyway, Rainbow Dash and Rarity must know we’re coming now! All units, attack!” Starlight’s horn burst into a dazzling array of pink and purple fireworks, leading the charge as the siege engines fired in perfect unison with the thunderstorm that had just started. Funny coincidence that, huh?

Later That night, Rainbow Dash woke with a harrumph.

“Is everything okay, my love?” Rarity murmured as she yawned, rubbing her eyes.

“I’m fine,” Dash let out an annoyed grunt, kicking off the bed covers. “It’s this stupid thunderstorm. I can’t sleep with all this noise!”

“My Lord!” Fluttershy burst through the bedroom door, yelling her lungs out. “We’re under attack! We—” She stopped mid-sentence, averting her gaze and turning bright red yet again. She’s doing that a lot in this story, huh? “Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry!”

Rainbow Dash gave her a blank stare. “For what?”

“That I didn't knock first!” She cringed from behind her wings. “I didn’t realize you slept naked!”

“Huh?” Dash looked down across her bare body. For shame, Rainbow Dash! Such lewd behaviour! “But I’m always… ugh, y’know what, never mind.” She hopped out of bed and opened the closet, pulling on her fluffy blue cloak along with her crown. “There, is that better?”

“Much,” Fluttershy chuckled awkwardly.

“Now, what was that about an attack?”

“It’s your old rival: Starlight Glimmer! She’s returned to take your crown and rule the kingdom for herself!”

“Huh, I don’t remember having an arch-rival.” Dash scratched her head. “Aside from maybe Lightning Dust.”

“Um, Rainbow Dash, darling,” Rarity cleared her throat. “I don’t think it’s wise to speculate on who is attacking, so much as being under attack!”

“Huh, I guess you’re right!” Dash bumped her front hooves together. “Fluttershy, get me my royal sabre!”

“I’m coming too!” Rarity announced as she leapt out of bed. “In case you’ve forgotten, it’s my kingdom as well, so it’s only right we both come to its defence.”

“Sounds like a plan to me!” Dash kissed Rarity on the cheek. “Fluttershy, fetch Rarity her royal rapier as well.”

“O-Okay.” Fluttershy backed out of the door slowly, looking away from the second naked pony she’d seen that day.

The courtyard was in chaos. The castle's outer walls had been blown to pieces, leaving a smouldering rubble in the army's wake. Enemy soldiers stormed through amidst a stream of confetti from my party canon, clashing swords with the guards as flaming arrows rained from the sky!

Big Mac stood strong, facing wave after wave of foes throwing themselves at him. But not a single pony could get past the swing of his great hammer!

What he didn't know was that I had been watching, waiting for the moment he let his guard down. All it took was a single shot from my bow, and down he went! Dead from an arrow to the head!

“Hey, don’t I get any lines in this production?” were his last groaning words before his tragic end! “Ugh, forget y’all. I’m goin’ home.”

I never knew how, but Big Mac was tougher than expected. With a final push, he stood up and staggered away, stage left; surely to meet his inevitable end away from the battle.

“Nope!” His voice echoed on the wind. “I ain’t dyin’, an’ I don’t care what some dusty ol’ history book says!”

Meanwhile, Applejack and Maud fought side by side. The guards were swarming all around them, but they stood firm! Well, Maud stood firm. Applejack rushed down anypony foolish enough to get close, killing a dozen ponies with one blade spin.
Still the guards poured over them! Everywhere Applejack turned, there were more and more throwing themselves at her – some of whom looked remarkably like the ponies she just killed.

“There’s just no end to ‘em!” Applejack strained, hooves shaking as she blocked another overhead chop. “How ya holdin’ up there, Maud?”

“I can manage,” she said, trying to hide the anxiety in her voice. By the look of her war face—a three-chocolate bar frown—it was obvious she wasn’t messing around. She held her sword between her teeth, moving her head left and right to block every attack thrown at her. “For the glory of Lord Starlight!”

As the flames rose higher across the courtyard (somehow not put out by the pouring rain), the battle looked to be as good as ours – right until King Rainbow Dash and Queen Rarity arrived!

“Alright, time to even the score!” Dash unsheathed her sword and pointed it at the besiegers. “Ready, my Lady?”

“You know I am, my Lord!”

Sharing a grin, they entered the fray. They fought back to back, in perfect synchronisation with each other as they thrust, parried and guarded.

Rainbow Dash unleashed a flurry of brutal hacks and slashes on any soldier who dared come near, while Rarity’s quicksilver dance was the grace and elegance of a posh pony at the Grand Galloping Gala. Which just so happens to be the perfect description for Rarity!
With a hop, skip and a jump, Rarity landed behind Applejack, taking her down with a single thrust.

“I’ll make you pay for that,” Maud said, but Rarity gave no chances to fight back. Ducking under Maud’s swing, she thrust her rapier into her chest, right through her heart.

“Oh no, I’ve been hit,” she said, coughing up blood. “Cough, cough, oh no, curse you. Now I’m dead.”

“Psst, Maud,” whispered Applejack, clinging to life. “You’re supposed to fall over when ya die.”

“Oh, right.” The world slipped into slow motion (or Maud was just moving slowly, I couldn’t tell) as she fell on her side, life expired.

“No! Maud!” I yelled, shaking a hoof at my sister's murderer. That was Starlight’s cue to burst through the wall – although she could have just walked through the existing hole right next to her. It is pretty big, after all!

She levitated a full five feet off the ground, her horn crackling with magic lightning that exploded off everything it touched. “My time is here at last! Today is the day I take revenge on you, King Rainbow Dash, for everything you ever did to me! You'll pay for throwing me into exile and stealing the throne that is rightfully mine! Now, with the power I hold, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can do to stop m—”

Everpony gasped as Rainbow Dash flew straight through Starlight’s magic bubble, killing her with one stab! If only Big Mac were here, he'd know how accurate to history this battle has been.

“Well, even if it's not accurate, it should be. How can anypony be dumb enough to make a huge speech in the middle of a battle?”

“What?!” Starlight snapped, the veins on her neck bulging outwards. “Pinkie, I thought we agreed I’d get a big showdown if I played the villain!”

“Feeling betrayed are we, Starlight?” I cackled, rubbing my hooves together in the evillest way I could manage. Though I still made sure to stay hidden, since I can't be seen yet!

“Ugh, never mind!” Starlight rolled her eyes and looked back at Rainbow Dash. “No! How could you do this! I was supposed to have my revenge! I… was… blech.”

Starlight’s body fell limp, slumping forward on the king's sword. Rainbow Dash shook her off it as she landed next to Rarity. “My love! Are you okay? Did they hurt you?”

“Oh, don’t be silly, Rainbow Dash,” she waved her hoof in dismissal. “I barely broke a sweat. But more importantly, we saved the castle, and the Soothsayer’s prophecy never came true!”

Rainbow Dash glanced around at all the dead bodies and broken pieces of scenery being pushed out of sight. “Yep, we sure did!” she grinned, locking eyes with Rarity. “That was one heck of a battle, huh? Now we can build an even more awesome castle, and with a touch of your magic, it’ll be the most beautiful castle this land has ever seen!”

Rarity giggled and blushed. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, you do so know how to flatter a girl,” she wrapped her front hooves around her. “And when everything is said and done, you will be the coolest king to ever have lived. Now kiss me, my supersonic dashing hero!”

Just as they leaned into a kiss, I burst from the rubble with bow in hoof. “Don’t worry, Starlight, I’ll avenge you!”

“Noooooo!” Rainbow Dash cried, but it was too late. Rarity pushed her away just as I released an arrow, shooting her in the stomach. With a final croak of pain, Rarity fell backwards, her crown tumbling from her head.

“Rarity, my love!” Dash fell to her knees, tears streaming down her face. “How could this happen? The battle was won! Guards, seize the traitor!”
Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, I was already making my esca—ow, hey! Twilight, Fluttershy, what’re you doing?! That’s now how the story's supposed to go!

Epilogue

The crowd watched on in stunned silence as Twilight and Fluttershy pinned Pinkie to the ground, tying her up with a rope.

“Boo! Kill the traitor!” Cried a green-haired earth pony on the front row, violently shaking her fist. “Off with her head!”

“I don’t believe it,” remarked Doctor Hooves, the brown earth pony nextto her. “I lost count of the historical inaccuracies, but this really takes the cake.”

None of this mattered to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. It had been their idea to run a charity stage play for the run-down Canterlot Library, but they never imagined anything like this.

Scootaloo was on the edge of her seat, eyes wide as she peered over stage’s edge. She was shaking like a leaf, yet she couldn’t look away. Sweetie Belle bawled, hooves covering her mouth as she watched the king kneel beside her fallen wife and kissed her on the cheek. Applebloom’s expression was somewhere in between, bitten hoof shavings falling away as the final drama played out.

Then, if only to complicate the continuity, Derpy returned to the stage a full ten minutes after she was supposed to. “I tried to warn you, Rainbow Dash!” she tutted. “But you didn’t listen. And now you beg for your life on your knees and… um… Rainbow Dash?”

If Dash heard her, she didn’t show it. She was too busy kissing Rarity up and down, and though the queen was supposed to be dead, Rarity couldn't stop herself giggling along with her. The two locked lips as Rainbow Dash slid herself on top, her long blue cloak shielding their physical intimacy from the audience.

In response, Derpy just shrugged, deciding to just walk off stage and leave them to it.

“I... er... And so, our tragic tale comes to an end!” Spike announced as he ran onstage to wrap up one of the strangest nights of his life. “The moral of the story: listen to Soothsayers and don’t try to overthrow royalty, good night everypony!”

Any cast members who hadn’t already stormed off joined Spike on stage for the final bow, much to the delighted cheers and applause from the audience – though with the gratuitous display of passion behind him, Spike still rushed to get the curtains closed and leave the two lovebirds to their business.

He only hoped the audience would be as generous with their donations as they were with their applause.

The End

Author's Note

Thanks for reading "The Experimental RariDash Crack Fic"! This story is something a little different for me, narration wise. I've been wanting to write some crack comedy since last years "The Griffon and the Derp", and with the RariDash fanfic competition, it was the perfect opportunity to push my comfort zone a little.

Constructive criticism welcome! Big thanks to Raridash doodles for the inspirational prompt art.

~~RainbowPie is still my OTP, though.~~