The Canterlot Cuddle Catastrophe

by Dreams of Ponies

Rating: teen
Tags: Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 2459

The crazy, crazy adventure of two journalists as the whole of Canterlot falls to the worst, possible thing.

The crazy, crazy adventure of two journalists as the whole of Canterlot falls to the worst, possible thing.

Warning: Features my wild, runaway imagination :pinkiegasp:

Written for: The cuddle maniac's contest

Prompts used: All of them!

Edited by The Best Dasher
Preread by Burnt Bread

Published 2019-02-16 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-02-16 00:10:01 UTC

The Disjointed Notes of a Flustered Pair of Ponies

The following is an excerpt from the notebook of Plot Device, from The Mustang:

“They’re getting closer!”

Perfect Climax slammed against the boarded-up door, hooves sticking through the little gaps toward him.

“Back! Back!” His pearly white coat was covered with grime and dust, and as he wiped his hoof, he sneered at the stain spread across it.

I leaned back against the wall, heart hammering my ribs. “What now?”

There was a pause as Perfect tapped his horn in thought. “I-”

Crash! The boarded window near me exploded inward, shards of wood and glass scratching red lines on my side. “Ahhh!”

Pastel colored hooves reached for me; I fell back, the open-mouthed horrors before me shaking me to my bone.

“Snuggles! Snuggles! Snuggles!”

“Plot Device! In my office!”

Snap!

Plot Device snapped the quill in her magic. Sighing, she let the quill drop from her cherry-colored magic into the dust bin; there was a little skitter as the feather joined its broken brethren.

“Coming, Quick Sell.”

Stepping out, she closed her office door with a practiced flick from her black tail. A quick trot down the narrow hallway brought her to a set of double doors. A plaque labeled Quick Sell, Mustang Manager was emblazoned in gold and silver, and took up an entire door on its own. As Plot Device raised her hoof, taking a deep breath, a voice boomed out.

“By the goddess’s great glistening gloots, I’m dying of old age!”

Plot sighed and pushed her way inside; her boss, Mr. Quick Sell, had his red mane in mid-flick as she entered. On a cushion in front of his desk sat a bemused, but snickering coworker.

“Climax…” Plot shook her head. “Quick Sell, what’s—”

“Pack your bags, the both of you!” He got up and stepped towards a large glass window that looked out over the Manehattan streets. “You’re going to Canterlot. I’ve heard some rumors, and the story might be—”

“Umm…” Plot Device started, her hoof half-raised toward Quick Sell.

“—big...if true! Your transportation has already been arranged.” He turned back towards his employees and reached for a cigar. “I need hooves and eyes on the ground. Something good is going on in Canterlot; not a word from the inside for the past twelve hours, not even from the Princesses.”

Perfect Climax shuffled on his cushion. “Sounds like a job for the military, Mr. Sell.”

“Hah!” Quick Sell stomped down. “I say again, ‘hah!’ You’ll never get to where I am unless you grow some steel on that pair of yours, Climax.”

Plot Device held her hoof to her mouth, fighting a creeping blush. “As much as I hate to give him a point, Climax is right.”

Perfect sat up straight, blinking at me. “I am? That’s right, I am!” He puffed out his chest before Quick Sell darted a quill into his chest. A deflating sound filled the room.

“Do it or you’re both fired.”

A drizzle of rain had begun to drum down on the Manehattan buildings by the time two ponies stepped out onto the roof. The giant neon sign of The Mustang flickered and buzzed as Perfect Climax and Plot Device placed their saddlebags on a small, waiting wagon.

“How did you talk me into this?” Plot Device huffed as she clambered into the wagon, followed quickly by her colleague.

Climax gave his best ‘you know you want me’ smirk. “Because I’m gorgeous and witty?”

Plot snorted, plopping down without ceremony. “More like obnoxious and conceited.”

“Fine. Look, I’m sorry you had to stay late last week to cover me. I’m. Sorry.”

She looked over at him and gave a roll of her eyes. “Half.”

“Excuse me?” Climax paled and the carriage lifted off.

“Give me half of your pay for this job.”

“But…” His lip began to quiver, his hoof going to his bitbag on his saddlebag automatically. “Twenty percent.”

“Half, or I bail now, and go write children’s stories for Equestria Daily.”

Climax stretched his hoof out for a brief moment before slumping in defeat. Fine… You bloody thief.”

“Clop-writing chump.”

“Stuck-up prude.”

A long moment paused as they peeked at each other from the corners of their eyes. Then they both chuckled as they picked up speed.

The following is an excerpt from the notebook of Perfect Climax, from The Mustang:

“I. Can’t. Keep. Running!” I fell further back as Plot Device led the way down the stairs. The murmur of ponies behind us crept up my backside like they were already on top of us.

“Hugs! We just want to cuddle!”

Plot Device turned back toward me, the exasperated face of that beautiful mare scowling as she dashed forward.

“Get off your lazy flank! Run now! Rest later!” She tugged my blonde mane in her mouth and I was nearly dragged the rest of the way down. The downside of this position was that I couldn’t see where we were going. The upside was the view. I would follow that lovely azure flank through Tartarus itself.

Smack!

“Ow! What was that for!”

“You were narrating aloud again.”

Canterlot seemed perfectly normal. Down they were flown, landing near the city’s great fountains before paying their pegasus flier a quick wave. As the wagon started to move, a voice called out to the writers.

“Climax! Plot! Not you two!”

They turned to see a spotted stallion of grey and black trotting towards them, a bundle of papers on his back.

Climax groaned, and Plot decided to look elsewhere.

“Quip, that you? What’s…”

He looked around, and then tapped Plot Device on the shoulder. “Look at that.”

Where he had gestured were a number of guards holding a group of ponies at spear point. They could make out yells of ‘Stay back’ or ‘don’t come any closer.’ The ponies they were herding seemed… off somehow as they rubbed and hugged against each other, even as they tried to press against the guards.

“What in Equestria?” Plot Device watched with wide eyes before turning on Lashing Quip. “Care to explain?”

“I, uh.” The stallion rubbed his mane. “I can’t disclose confidential information to a competitor.”

He was glared down by the pair until his water reserves abandoned ship. “Nopony can leave… Anytime they try, they end up just like those…” He pointed at the snuggly group. “I don’t know any more that that! I promise!”

Plot Device snorted, pulling a paper from his back and reading the title in a loud, exaggerated voice. “‘Prince Blueblood was allegedly caught spiking Princess Luna’s coffee with love poison, this source says. Also, castration to be reinstated as a punishment from the crown.’”

“More lies and slander as usual, Quip?” Plot cocked an eyebrow and the stallion nearly folded in front of them.

Perfect Climax was one step ahead of her, calling a pair of guards over to them with a whistle. A pegasus and thestral pair trotted towards them, their eyebrows immediately narrowing below their helms.

Quip shrank back as the two focused in on him. Perfect showed them the paper, and they groaned and shook their heads.

“R-rolling Thunder… Red Dawn… good to see you two.” He gulped, looking at the ground. “Am I being detained?”

Quip squeaked as he was cuffed and dragged away. “You have the right to be silent. We would prefer if you use it.”

“So how’s Barrel Roll?”

There was a thud as Quip smacked into a trash can. “Sore topic, I guess?”

Then the group of guards fell beneath the onslaught of cuddling, snuggling ponies.

The following is an excerpt from the notebook of Plot Device, of The Mustang:

“I think we’re safe for now.”

We had found a small, abandoned donut shop and I was peeking from behind the counter. A long pause later and I heard the smacking of lips. Mouth full, eyes glazed and totally into it, Perfect Climax looked inches from a foodgasm.

“There’s a time and place, Climax.”

He closed his eyes, swallowed, licked his lips, and then, finally smiled at me. “Yes, I’m hungry, and this is a donut shop. Time. And. Place.”

“Do you ever stop?”

“Only if she says no.”

I started to retort when motion caught my eye. Ducking and looking through a stack of glass, I spotted a group of mares slowly moving past. Purple, blue, white, black, unicorn, pegasus, earth pony, it was like a fuzzy collage of snuggly-wuggly, silly, goofy gushiness. Mares and stallions alike were clinging to each other while meandering in any given direction. There were little giggles and cooing spattered throughout the cuddle-cluster, and they never seemed to tire.

“That’s adorably creepy.” Climax spoke through a mouthful of donut, but that was the second point I had to give him today.

“They’re everywhere… Do you think the Princesses are okay?” I turned and frowned at him. “Maybe we should head to the castle.”

Climax nodded as he explored the little bits of the donut shop, opening a door marked ‘office’ with a slow push. “Maybe there’s something useful in here?

The slow, deep groan reverberated through my bones.

“Give me your hugs…”

Plot and Climax were quick to bail when the cooties broke the line. The ponies—sick, or demented, or mind-controlled, it didn’t matter—cuddled forward with adorable ferocity. Hugging, glomping, snuggling, rubbing, and even booping everypony they came across. It spread instantly, whatever it was, the guards joining the ranks to ensnuggle the survivors.

“Plot! Come on!”

They turned and ran through the streets of Canterlot, ponies around them, unicorns mostly, barricading themselves in their shops. This, it turned out, was a bad idea; the ponies seemed to sense the uncuddled, and gripped and pried at the locks, and eventually found their way in.

As the pair barreled down a small road, the voice of Princess Twilight Sparkle filled the city. “This is a reminder that Canterlot is unsafe. Doctor Wave Function and I are investigating the cause of the strange ailment that has befallen many ponies in Canterlot and urge you to seek reliable shelter. Remember ponies: practice safe cuddling.”

“Really? What are we supposed to do?” Perfect Climax huffed, his breath already a bit ragged.

Plot Device pushed past and led the way forward. “You heard the princess. Help me find a place to hide.”

The following an excerpt from the notebook of Perfect Climax, from The Mustang:

The stallion was lying in a giant pile of pink-frosted donuts, sprinkled to perfection. Drool dripped down his face as he snapped awake, the name Joe on his nametag becoming visible for a moment. I took a step back, then another.

Then he yelled and lurched for me.

“Ahhh!” I screamed, yanked backwards by my mane. As I fell back, Plot slammed the door and helped me to my hooves. Starlight sparkled around her as her lips moved, but I couldn’t even parse her words.

“You’re amazing.”

She stopped trying to pull me out of the shop and turned. “What?”

“I-I said that was amazing. Thanks.”

We left the shop as quickly and quietly as we could.

The donut shop had been a bust. With Plot’s prompting, they dashed straight for the castle, going from shop to shop with careful glances and quick movements. All around them, the moans and groans of full-on cuddles continued unabated.

The royal castle wasn’t far now, and as the pair neared it, they were cut off by a huge mob. The sea of pastel ponies shifted and snuggled, spiraling inwards towards one identifiable figure.

A small, purple and green dragon seemed to be the target of the ponies’ affection, and was enjoying every second of it.

“Don’t worry, everypony! There’s enough hunky dragon for all of you!”

“He’s immune?” Plot Device darted towards the closest structure to the castle’s stairway.

“Lucky bastard.” Climax followed closely until they reached the building. Inside, they found a small, empty office, scattered guard equipment and paperwork all around. “Let’s bunk down here until they pass.”

Plot nodded and helped move the desk in front of the door. “I don’t like this… at all.”

“Snuggles! Snuggles! Snuggles!”

They were getting in, and no matter how Climax struggled, or Plot pressed, snuggly doom was quickly approaching. Falling back from the stretching hooves, they pressed against the opposite wall of the guard house. As boards cracked and glass tinkled to the ground, they found themselves in each other’s hooves.

“Plot…” Perfect Climax turned and looked into the eyes of his unfortunate coworker. “I want you to know something.”

Plot Device closed her eyes and sighed, despite the coming cuddle catastrophe. “I know you don’t proofread any of your own work, Climax. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“No, not that.” Climax pulled her chin upwards with his magic. “I think you’re actually… kind of cute.”

The horde of cootie ponies was almost upon them as their horns touched and Climax planted a perfect kiss on Plot Device. Static sizzled from their connection, a buzzing not unlike a bug zapper, which filled the room with a chain of bzzt sounds; the ponies around them, who had been rubbing and snuggling with everything that moved suddenly become walking magnets.

“Ow!” The word was echoed repeatedly from pony to pony as they were lightly zapped. Plot and Climax watched with dropped jaws as the ponies looked around, lost, but no longer ensnuggled.

“What… happened?”

Perfect Climax turned and waggled his eyebrows at Plot Device.

“No.” She held out her hoof to stop him. “Your libido did not just save Canterlot.”

“Aw, come on!”

Official statement from the Canterlot Castle constabulary:
Earlier this evening, there was a disturbance in the city square where a strange breakout of ‘The Cooties’ caused ponies to act overly amorous, and the condition was exceedingly contagious. Guards attempted to restrain the group, but were eventually overwhelmed. The Princesses were immediately informed and secluded.

Later that evening, it was discovered, thanks to a pair of lucky—or unlucky—journalists, that static electricity was a treatment and possible cure for the symptoms. The cause is still unknown as to how this problem started, only that all affected also are suffering from strange ear aches on one side.

Unrelated, the reports that Princess Twilight Sparkle apprehended a miniaturized Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings and a large amount of tiny drones are completely unfounded.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading, everypony! I hope your faces didn't explode from narrative whiplash :twilightblush:

Anyway, found out about this contest kind of late, and just wanted to write a silly story for it. Special thanks to my editor for knocking this out the same day. Call it: Birthday guilt, eheh.